The Tim Dillon Show - 165: 165 - Please Come Kill Us

Episode Date: September 15, 2019

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Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Cam, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pots, and candy wrappers. Mmm, they all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. Everybody live from the Tuscany Hotel of St. Giles or St. Gilles Hotel in New York City. What the fuck St. Gilles means? I don't know. That's what it says, the Tuscany of St. Gilles Hotel. Okay. St. Giles.

And I'm here with Raymond Comb. I secured this hotel for $215 a night on Hotel Tonight, which does not advertise on the show. No. But it's good. It's a good service. There's a lot of amenities here. There's no amenities. But the room is large. It's a nice spacious room. It's got a nice brown feel to it. It's a shit feel. Yeah.

I mean, when we came in here before when you checked in, we were in here for like a half an hour, and we had a spot to go to. She was waiting for us in the closet. It was made. Yeah. I was like, I will clean now. It's like, you know, she was expecting a river of shit in the bag. Yeah. You fuck him? Good. Yes. What is there? Shit? Blood? What do I have to deal with? Right. We checked in and they were like, I need his name. And Ray's like, I'm not playing over. I'm not. We're not doing nothing.

And the lady was like, yeah, whatever you want to say, I need your name. You can say whatever you want. He's not my daddy. You go up, you fuck each other. I don't care what you do. I need your name. Yeah. She's seen worse than us. Yeah. Not much. Not much. Interesting hotel. Empty restaurant downstairs. Nobody's here.

It's a nice. The steakhouse is nice. Just empty. It's a nice vibe. I got like five double espressos in the lobby. Yeah. You know, they're getting real nervous. They're like, this guy's about to, it's about to drop dead. I might cut someone in the lobby. He's doing some serious espresso drinking. A friend of mine sent their parents to my show. I did a brunch show at the stand at 4pm. And these are like, you know, high end people.

Right. Upper crust. They make a little dough. What? They make a little dough. They got a little, they got a couple of shekels. Yeah. And they said to me, the father said to me, he goes, hey, listen, I love these gestures. You know, one of the things that me and Ray love is the empty gesture.

Right. And we always, we always fantasize about capitalizing on it immediately and making the person feel just like, cause he would send the person into a panic attack. Right. They go into panic mode. If you just on a dime, we're like, yeah, I'll take you up on that. So he says to me, he goes, listen, if you ever come back to New York, just know that you have a place to stay. You have a place to stay with us cause we've got two empty rooms. And I felt like going, great.

I canceled my hotel. I'll get my bed. I'll see you at the place. You have a car. Me and Ray are going there right now. Now Ray also needs to stay there and listen, minimum six months. You can't ask him to leave before six months. You got the advantages.

Yeah. He needs medical attention. Bring him into your home. So me and Ray thought it'd be funny if you showed up at their house just fighting like drunk. Just fucking fisting each other. You bitch. Are we staying here or not? You said we could stay.

I'm just slurring. As soon as we walk in, you turn around to the family and you go, I don't know about Tim. You keep an eye on him. I think he's trying to steal. Now I'll do what I can to watch him. But I need help. A place like that. Do you have little things to steal that are worth money?

I mean, whatever. You know they're rich better than me. I mean, we'd be looking for a safe. They have little knickknacks. Yeah. Like porcelain knickknacks. I mean, I don't think they have that. I've been in there.

I don't think there's any porcelain knickknacks. Like what is the custom jewelry? If you knock over a place like that, besides jewelry, is a silverware worth money? I mean, it would depend on the type of people. Sometimes there's a safe with some petty cash. Sometimes there's some jewelry. I don't think there's a ton of shit in there. That particular place.

I love that we're talking about robbing them. What can we get? I just love the idea of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you were good. I'm going to come tonight. I'm staying tonight. Right, can stay too, right?

They'd be like, uh, yeah. I mean, they'd go along with it, right? They would go along with it, which is hilarious. Why don't we play? We should. All you do is play the long game. Why don't you ever play the short game? Play the short game?

You're right. Get a nice, get us a little fucking smashing grab. Yeah. What if it's crazy as we are? They got even crazier. Like what if we walked in drunk and were like, you want to fuck? And they're like, do we? Clothes started coming off.

Put the strap on. Then we'd have to fuck them. Yeah. I mean, that would be great if they called our bluff. If they looked at us and they said, you can stay at the house, but I'll tell you one thing. We're all fucking like we're all playing chicken. Yeah.

And we're like, whoa, we're fucking. Neither of us can get hard. They start spitting on us. They're spitting on us. Hitting each other with whips. A friend of mine told me a crazy Epstein story about a family that was connected to Epstein the day he died. Somebody on the Hamptons, they ran into their kitchen before the

news broke and they had like this big meeting and kicked everybody out. Wow. Yeah. I'm going to have that friend repeat it, but I can't say it on the show. I also forget the name of the family and I can't say it on the show. Warmbuff. It was Warren Buffett. It was Warren Buffett.

I want to play the new National Anthem of this country, by the way. I want to play this National Anthem because you're a lover of music, Raymond. I mean, I make my own music though. No, you're making EDM. Yeah. What? This is an interesting progression. Right.

Because you worked at a morgue. Yeah. And then a mosquito lab. And now you edit from media conglomerate. Don't forget the prison. You worked at a prison. Yeah. Okay.

I figured morgue covered that, but you're right. Now, how did you become an EDM DJ? Well, I've always flirted with synthesizers and making techno music. I've come in and out of it. I built a synthesizer when I was in high school. You built? Sort of. Just like kind of like used parts from Radio Shack.

You built a synthesizer. I had both the control to oscillate. It made noises. It wasn't a great synth. It wasn't like a, you know, expensive. Yeah. You couldn't use it to make good music, but I was a handy guy. And I was never very good.

If I showed you my old tracks, they were terrible. They were unlistable almost. But you're really proud of the new music you're making. I think I've made a big leap. I told you some of them were pretty good. And if you were like a young, skinny, white guy, and you had maybe hot, dark skin, black girlfriend, you could do something in the EDM community.

And you were young and hip. I figured we could do a middle even. You have always LA, you know, young boys, you know, young guys. Very few of them are from LA. All right. But you know young guys. You know good looking young guys. So you're saying give them the EDM music

and let you be the puppet master. Right. Who's the guy we had with the Backstreet Boys? Lou Perlman. Lou Perlman. So you'd be the Perlman for EDM DJ. Yeah. Who do you think is the puppet master for this?

I want to play this. This is Doja Cat. Who does the song Juicy. He's a very talented young woman. I feel like it's just like it really is more like say something you white motherfucker, criticize me. I mean, like they really call in the bluff here. The people at Juilliard have to be insane.

Right. Like the people studying music have to be mentally ill. I don't know. I mean, I tapped out of this shit like years ago, but I don't know what to make of it. I mean, you're into Cardi B. She's fun. I mean, it can be fun.

You're into Lizzo. I mean, this does nothing for you. Well, Lizzo is talented. She can sing. Sure. I mean, what is the other song, the Doja Cat song? Juicy? Is it good?

Pretty good. Have you never heard it? No, I don't know Juicy. You've never heard Juicy? Juicy Juicy. I eat that lunch. They played at the Taco Bell? Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's catchy. It's better than the other one. Right. I'll say that much. Well, the other ones are riffing.

Maybe that'll become a great song. I have no investment in any of that. Like what is good and what isn't good? Right. You know, I, I just love the idea that there is still a good. Right. And that there's still like, I love the idea that people are striving for to be good at things.

In this climate, it's funny to me. That makes me laugh. I feel like most art nowadays is literally just like the, whatever you want to call it, the illuminality, the deep state, whatever you want to call it, just shoving stuff in your face going like, this is a new week. Like this is like, it's just an act of submission, like submit to this. My twink is calling. Oh.

You want, you want to pause this? I said, no, I'll take it. Okay. Hi. Why'd you say, oh, shit? I'm, I'm podcasting. That's all right. You're anonymous.

Say hello to Ray. Ray is podcasting. Hi. How are you? All right. Not much. How you doing? He's chilling.

Giz Blanz garbage. You got to get the, the harp logger. Yeah. Yeah. Can I call you after we're done? All right, buddy. Thank you. He's not my twink.

I don't own him. He's a twink. Right. I don't want to start being like that guy. You rent them. I don't rent Raymond. Raymond, please. Flipping.

Flipping. Blah. How soon will it be? To politicians. Start answering questions like that. You know, we're going to do. How are we going to ensure that people have a blip. Blip.

Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. I spit on the caca. Blip. Blip.

Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip.

Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip.

Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. Blip. I mean, I mean, I mean,

they're going to get it. They get it. Like the way we look at boomers now, what do you think they're going to think of us? What? Like our kids or the generation after us. Yeah. What did you call them? Well, we look at boomers.

Boomer, what did you say though? I say burners. Boomers I said. Oh, okay. They said burners. Like people that went to Burning Man. That's right. We look at people burners, go to Burning Man.

That's to me. I just think it's funny. I'm having fun with it. You got to have fun. Anyone upset about anything now? You're living in a Terry Gilliam film. Just enjoy it. Just enjoy the end.

And maybe it's not the end. I don't always want to be negative. It's the next phase. People are like, oh, what do you, what are you going to, like, why would you have kids? What are you going to do when the climate starts changing? You're burning the death. Who cares? You're selling on fire.

Let them figure it out. Our boomer parents didn't care, they fed us poison and sent us out into the world with no fucking money. I think it'd be hilarious if we did just keep telling them, like, no, it's a meritocracy. Yeah. Everything's fine. Repeat after me. Flip it.

I mean, it is what it is, man. Like I did this podcast with Logan Paul. All these guys were like, I can't believe you're doing a podcast with Logan Paul. I, I can't believe you and Theo would talk to that guy and have my, I hope you just roast him. I hope you were. And I'm like, no, I'm going to ask him for a job. Fucks.

The idea of comics ridiculing YouTube stars. That's over. What? You live in a mansion? Yeah. Yeah. What do you live? And you could say to a guy like that.

Hey, I think your content sucks. You'd go, yeah, it's not great. They don't care. Like the shit you people care about. They don't care. That's why they're living in mansion. Right. The things that concern you don't concern them.

That's why they're in a, I just think it's so funny that I'm going to get up there with my shitty fucking career and start talking shit to this guy. Right. Hey buddy, I'm the real deal. I'm a comic. I perform a governor's comedy club in Long Island. You, you bitch. What do the polls do?

I know, I know they went to the suicide farm and they, and they, and they make videos on YouTube. Like slumber party shit. Who knows? Right. I don't really watch it. I don't find them that attractive. Maybe we could be the poll brothers.

I would love if we started a, are they fuck force 10 or whatever team for team 10 is Jake Logan is low gang. Okay. Oh, he has the one thing. He's got low gang. Right. He's fighting KSI. This black YouTuber from the UK.

It's a major event selling out the staples center actually fighting a boxer and they're selling out the staples center in LA Hawking CBD oil on a podcast and you want me to go shit on him? What world are you in? What ONA fantasy land do you fucking people live in where you're going to really give it to them? Huh? Like ONA who stopped doing that five years before they went up there.

Yeah. No, I'm going to ask him for a job as a janitor at his property as a gardener. You know, I hope he takes pity on me. Are there, are there 10 guys in team 10? There were chicks and guys. I'm not a scholar of team 10. Okay. I'm not saying, first of all, I want to tell anyone this, I'll talk to anyone on a podcast

except a member of my own family. Yeah. We've been clear about that. I don't, I'm not endorsing the content with the kids. I don't know what they do. He was a very nice kid. He's not an idiot. I know everyone says he's an idiot because like he's not, I don't know that I wouldn't

call him an intellectual. I wouldn't say he's a deep and contemplative guy, but what do I know? Did you get that vibe? I think he's a lot smarter than people think he is. Did you get that vibe the way people who meet with Kissinger like, oh, we were a president like, oh, like, you could tell your talk, like, yeah, he's got a Kissinger vibe, right? That's exactly what he has. That's a good way to say it.

Thank you. No, but it's, I remember when comics used to ridicule YouTube people and standup comics would ridicule the idea of being a social media. You know where those people are now, they're a month away from homeless. They're performing in casinos. They're performing to half empty rooms of people. They are babbling about the craft of comedy in a podcast with nine listeners. No one cares.

This is the reality. Of course the Paul Brothers just starts. Trump is the president. But who's going to be a star? I still have a chance, maybe. Yes. I've never doubted that. We should have had, I look at some good looking guys and I go, why are you even trying to

be comedians? Just jump on a bed in your underwear. They do these things. They're like, let me do a video about 10 Things Girls Do That Piss Me Off. That's what they'll do. That's what a YouTube star will do. These are five things that girls do that I find really cute and five things that girls do that piss me off.

So let's practice. You're a YouTube star. You're on your bed. You're in your undies. You got your shirt off. And now I've said to you, all right, tell me five things girls do that you don't really love. They expect me to pay when I go out to dinner.

You got to smile and be kind of cute with it. You know, they fucking, they look at my dick all weird. They think my dick's weird. They get mad when I can't get hard. I try to get hard. They just got to lay there. I'm like the social media manager because they do exist and they have to tell these kids what to do a little bit.

They're usually like gay men who are clearly taking advantage of these kids. It's a great documentary called Joyline on Hulu about it where this gay guy just has a house of twinks and he just orders to make these videos. Oh, well, okay. But the manager would be like, all right, Ray, that's good. But we, you know, the reality here is we want to be a little more positive. It's about positivity and it's about people feeling good. So even though these are things that girls do that make you mad, we want them to feel

silly and lighthearted and we don't want them to really feel depressed and make people want to kill themselves. I got it. Do you understand what I mean? Well, let's do another take. Okay. These whores wear unboots to the bagel store, all right. Now let's not call them whores because a lot of kids, parents are monitoring the content.

So we don't want you to say they're whores right off the bat because someone might, a mother might be making dinner in the other room. They hear that coming out of the back book. Now they're making the daughter unsubscribe. Right. Yes. You see what I mean? Yeah.

We got to just come in with a light touch. Okay. I mean, these girls are in their late teens and let's make no lie, they're fantasizing about you. Sure. Of course. Okay. So let's do another thing.

Five things that girls do that kind of irk you in a cute, light way. Okay. You know, they ask me what I do for a living. I'm like, what's your fucking dad do? Who the fuck you say? You think it's better than me? Okay. That's not the worst thing.

Okay. I think we can take the fucks out. Okay. Here's an example of one that I would do. Right. Like, hey, you know, like when a girl, when a girl, you know, it's one of the things girls do that take me off is like, you know, sometimes like they pretend to like not want something, but they really want it.

I wish they would just come out, like really tell me what it is that they want. Oh, okay. Do you see that's more the direction we're going in, you know, you got to watch the new doc jawline on Hulu. Have you seen that? It's about an inspiring influencer who lives in Tennessee. I talked about it on the last episode and all of the girls that are into these social media stars, by the way, I thought these girls just wanted to get fucked.

All these girls are like, my father's in jail and my mother works through jobs. These social media guys are the only people who tell me not to cut myself. I'm like, God, are we in a dark, God, are we in trouble? Like is this why everyone went to go see the Beatles? Is this why everybody went to go see the Beatles on Ed Sullivan? Because they were, they were cutting themselves and John Lennon was like, don't cut yourself. Is that the only, is that what, what it was? I mean, look, there was a famous Hendrix song was like, you don't have to vomit to be a

pretty girl. Is that true? No. You don't have to vomit. I mean, what do you think about these guns? What's going to go on now? We got mass shooting after mass shooting after mass shooting. I mean, at this point, the who cares?

I mean, I honestly think you want my honest opinion. Yeah. I'm reporting on it. Yeah. We cover it up. Right. I really do feel like. I know it's like not worth the anxiety and stress, even though this sounds like a crazy

take. Dude, the pushback I get when I just asked a question, right, how many massacres would it take for you to adjust the AR 15 policy? Right. How many would it be? Would one a day with three a day, I'm not saying I know what's going to work. I'm saying as a theoretical, philosophical question, how many a day would do it? They look because they'll come back with the AR 15 was popular gun in America, right?

And there's like five million people or 15 million of them out there or whatever. Yeah. It's a yes. Sure. Whatever. But it's like the reality is people were so much dumber than people give us credit for. We're so much more like just animals.

Yeah. And like it's just literally like, oh, this is on TV. I agree with a lot of libertarian ideas. But it doesn't work in a society where everyone's retarded. Right. Everyone is retarded. And we're literally just mimicking shit. Like it's right.

percentage of population. But it's like if you just stop talking about it, people are listening to flippity blip blip blip blip blup blup blup blup. And we're going to give them all guns. I mean, they like listening to fucking baby talk. My things is I've been creative about it. Right. I wish they were to leave, like, how are you killing 20 people now with a clip?

Kill three, but do it in the way that stands out. Fun. How I'm buying kids came out like they were new and it was like it was like they were kind of I think that's before the matrix even the matrix kind of ripped them off it feels like they were kind of a set in a standard with these trench coats and everything. I'm like no one's got any style anymore. You know what I mean? Why not just have like, yeah.

It sounds like an awful take. Yeah. Trench coat mafia had a fashion statement. Right. Right. Nope. Great point. Nobody has an aesthetic.

Yes. Yes. And it's just like, yeah. I'm saying like, why not like kill a couple people, but do it in a crazy way? And then you go, oh, don't give me an idea where like matching outfits. Yes. Do you give any credence? Now we're going to get in trouble.

But do you give any credence when there's like reports of multiple shooters in places and it's always just one guy? What is the deal with that? I'm going to ask you. Yeah. Because I watch people go, oh yeah, there was multiple shooters or shooters here, there's shooters there. I saw.

I think look, I mean, what's happening? I think most likely it's people have no concept of how most people have concept of how the acoustics of gunshots work and you give it an environment. There are people that say I saw a guy with a dress of full gear and it was not like. I mean, look, do you believe here? Here's the question. Do you think to see like whoever the CIA, whoever is just doing it for what purpose? No, I never said that.

No, I'm saying like, what are these people getting at that like? I don't know what's going on. Because you really like, I don't know what's going on. I'm not saying you're saying that, but that is usually the implication that it's a false flag and that like this is done to like. I don't think it's a false flag. Is it impossible that some of these kids were went into some weird medical trial that nobody knows about?

Okay. Is it impossible that some of these kids were, you know, these, I don't know, man, you know, listen, all this shit that we've talked about on this show, you're going to tell me it's completely impossible that they're fucking. I'm just saying that I'm not saying they did. Here's one. Here's my podcast, folks. We're in a hotel room. We're in the Tuskegee by St. John's.

Come kill us. Please, please come kill us. We're asking nicely. We're asking nicely. We'll give you the room number. Deep state wherever you are. Come kill us. I'm just saying like, it's a super soldier program to get people to like, oh, can we

get them to kill people? Like, look at Vietnam. They would just blow up like villages for no reason. Like, you know, just give it to me. It was soft. That's why we lost that war. And that's why we had to drug them and shit. I don't know, man.

I just, I don't know what's out there, man. I don't know how deep it goes. I mean, I wonder when you look at the types of black budget programs, right, the fact that a lot of these shooters or a lot of these homegrown terrorists, a lot of them have tried to get into the military and then we're rejected. Were they all rejected or did they go into some other program? We don't know. He's like, he's trying to be a cop and they're like, hey, why don't you come in or a little

pro? Yeah. I don't know. What do I know? Maybe. I mean, reality is like, have you been to Sandy Hook is my point. I mean, we should do a live podcast with Sandy Hook. I mean, we're trying to get ads.

I'm just saying, like, I don't know what the end game is in the sense of, like, for years now, for over a decade, I've been hearing and longer than that, probably agree. Yeah. That, like, oh, they're just trying to get into a position where they can finally show their face. And it's like, I think they're there. I think they can show their face. And the whole thing is when people got mad at me the other day because they said, like,

hey, I don't know. Like you said that, oh, if we give up our guns, the government will really start to overreach. Guys, that's not a valid argument because they've been doing it already. They just haven't been doing it to people that look like you. Yeah. Right. They've been going into all of these countries.

And I mean, they have been doing it to people that look like you because, you know, Chelsea Manning was being tortured. Oh, sure. Edward Snowden, Barrett Brown, anybody who was a whistleblower, anybody who leaked information that they were spying on you or that the U.S. military was committing war crimes. I mean, well, they've also, look, we, the elites go to war because like someone nationalized the banana plantation where they were in Guatemala and like they've economically decimated an entire country, entire class of people.

And like, well, we'll only fight them if they try to take our guns away. And it's like, why, like, if you don't, why not fight now? Right? I know. The protest in Hong Kong. Yeah. People getting tasers to the fucking face over like extradition treatment. Right.

Like over extradition treatment. We, we, we don't, what would it take Epstein got murdered before he was going to drop a dime on politicians fucking kids and nobody cares. It's the most heinous, unimaginable evil and nobody gives a shit about it. So my whole thing is like, well, what would get, what would make you show up with the weapon? I mean, if they came into your house and tried to take your gun, I guess that's the only that's when you get up.

If they want the guns, they can fight the government in case they take the gun. Right. That's the only time. Now we're, let me do a disclaimer here. We are not telling you, now, what's hard about this is we kind of are, but we're, we're performance artists. Right. And this is performance art.

I'm just saying. But we're imagining if they, if they marched on DC and said, we want healthcare for everyone. Right. You can get behind that maybe. Get your gun out. Yeah. And say we would like a living wage or health insurance or we'd like, if you not fuck the kids, something by the, the only time I've ever seen is those groups who go to statues.

Like this. Remember when I was taking down the Robert Lee statues and old racist statue? Yeah. And so they go to defend the statue. So you got to take any statues down. That's the only time I've seen anyone do anything with the guns. We had a weird interaction today. Do you think explain what happened today on the street?

Cause this was, we've got a lot of weird interactions in New York. This was one of the stranger ones. Oh, the woman by the deli. Oh, no. That's a different one. Uh, what happened by the deli? Now you got to say that. No.

Just some woman was asking for money. Yeah. And we don't have any cash. Like just buy me some child. Some PNM and M's. Right. And then we did. And then she got pistol.

So that's, I think. So they just, whatever. But no, so we're working on the street. I forgot about that. Yeah. This is the big one. Yeah. So we're working on the street and it got someone giving you at your spot.

And they gave me a book at the brunch show at the stand. And it's a book. The red dawn or some shit. Some book about whatever. Yeah. It's a political thriller, but it's true. It's fake. Nonfiction.

Yeah. So this guy, we're walking down and like, and he kind of brushes past him and he goes and he like sees the book. He goes, what you reading here? And I look at young guy, you know, guys in the thirties, like what you reading there? And he's like, Oh, someone gave it to me. Hey, looks to cover. And I don't know if it's reflected above the book.

And he goes, Oh, is it a David Goliath story? Did David win? And like, we're like, what? And then he's like, maybe he should call me and let me know what happens. He doesn't want to tax me the title. Yeah. And I was so thrown off. I didn't even know.

I didn't think the guy was trying to fuck me. I was so thrown off because I'm so on guard for like an old school grift. Right. Smash and grab, grab the wallet. Sure. Grab my phone. I take my phone out. He grabs my phone.

So it's running. Now I got to chase this guy down. Maybe he's a good runner. What am I going to do? Either way, he's a better runner than you and you. Oh, right. I mean, I still run five miles a day. What about now?

Nothing much. You're going to chase. No, we're not chasing. No. So I'm like, um, you could just put, uh, and then he gave me this long, longing, weird look. Yeah. Like you want it to fuck, but what's weird is like, he didn't even see my face when

he stopped me. What's the thing? He starts it from behind and, uh, I don't present this guy except you said I have a little bit of a gay walk occasionally. You know, from the back, do you think he said, and that guy's, I'm a weird sell from the back. Yeah. If you just watched me walk down a street, that's why you want to fuck me.

You don't even have a fat ass. No, I got a nice face, but I would think you've got to see me from that. I don't think you were gay walking then or for like a better term. I don't know. But like you were just kind of occasionally you have like a tippy toe thing, but this guy kind of stuck. He was kind of looked stunned that I wouldn't give him my number. I think he like walked away and he was kind of puzzled.

Like, I can't fuck that guy. My first assumption was it was a pickup only because what else could it be like a griff but what is this grip? Maybe it knows who I am. He wants to put my phone number on Reddit or something as a joke. I don't know. I mean, that was a dumb joke. I don't care.

I really don't even care. So I get in dick pics. Like, all right. Yeah. It's not bad. People just call me and I keep them on the phone for an hour. They're like, this was a prank. I want to go.

I'm like, no, listen, there's a super soldier program. I don't know, man, but he was kind of good looking and I'm kind of mad. Dude, if I was that aggressive, I could lay it all the time. Maybe that's just what that guy's about. Yeah. Maybe he's just like, he's got a fucking dick full of cum. Yeah. And he just wants to fuck everybody and I screwed it up.

But also maybe you wanted to come over to my hotel room and like rob me. Sure. You know, I don't know. It's a weird, but it's a weird like of what? Who does that work on though? I don't know. I don't. Yeah.

I don't get it. Like, does it would just certain dudes just go, Hey, making me here. Yeah. Here's my number. Will you play your phone? He rips out your hand. Yeah. But he didn't even know I was gay.

He didn't know anything about it. No. Like he pulls your phone out like and you're like, Oh, I guess I'll text and like assuming the hill like you'll just not text him, but you won't be polite and then he rips the phone out of your hand. Maybe. I don't know what the deal is. I'm just kind of weirdly on guard when somebody, some stranger gets in your face and starts

asking you a question. Now I respect his hustle. Sure. Whether he's snatching a phone or trying to kidnap a kid or trying to fuck, you know, either way I'm with you. I just don't want to be the victim of your scam. Right. But maybe it wasn't.

Maybe he was just trying to fuck. I mean, if that's the case, he doesn't think we're fucking good point. You know, you should have stepped in. Yeah. That's my man. That's to me. You're fucking him. You're fucking me.

You're fucking his balls. I want, he just gave me this deep look. Right. You, I think you have a question on this guy. Did you, he was kind of good look, but did you catch the way he looked at me? It was weird. The whole exchange is very odd. And I'm like kind of paranoid because we talk about weird shit on the show.

I'm like, is he the guy? Is this the guy that's coming to get us? Maybe he was casing us. Yeah. Is this the guy? He's like one of those Michael Clayton guys. Is it Billy Eilish fan that wants me dead? Oh shit.

He's going to torture and kill you. I don't know. Nice. I mean, I don't know. But now I feel weird about not giving him my number. Not living dangerously. I mean, you did fuck up. I mean, you could have gotten at least gotten later.

What did you think? You said he wasn't that good looking. No, he wasn't. Look, he wasn't your type. You definitely like a more slender guy. Yeah. But no, he was fine looking. I mean, I think he was definitely.

Imagine if you did that to a woman. What are you reading? Listen, what are you reading? Wasn't that a real David Goliath story? Does David win? Does David win? You want to text me? Why don't you text me the title of the book?

They would like, they would use like a Patriot act to like put me in Gitmo. They would. She would use bear spray on you. Not even May. She'd go right to bear spray. She just takes it to the gun to start firing while she says fire. What are you reading that? This is why we can't give up the guns.

You would be on a poster. This is why you can't give up the guns because this man asked what you were reading. Right. What are you reading? You want to text me? You want to start a book club? Do you ever think what it would feel like to get eaten? Who is that dickens?

You're reading? Is that a tale of two cities? That's not right. Um, I don't know, man, very strange, but I'll move on. It's another misconnection. We're talking before about, you said you want to get out of New York at 20. You like almost the idea of living in New Orleans. I mean, New Orleans is my favorite city that I've ever been to.

Don't you think we're too old to kind of live in a, like, I don't know. I feel like I mean. I think we had our time and I squandered all my time. Sure. When I was 22, I could have been getting hammered in New Orleans. I could have maybe went to another country. I could have went on vacation, dude. I was just getting fucked up in Long Island.

What a disaster. What? And I couldn't even get a fucking TV show made about it. I feel like New Orleans is the kind of city though, where it's like you can have older failures that are kind of not looked down upon because they're not like they don't have money. Absolutely. It's, it's a whole vibe. Yeah.

You have to really get into it. We have to go to go full Mardi Gras and like, I think you'd have to go there and just, I don't, I think the charms would get old. Right. So I think you'd have to resign yourself to being what that city is, which is like kind of disconnecting from the larger society, right? Which is like, what, what, what is there in larger society you're going to miss? I don't know.

Time. Sure. People have no concept of time, half of them, like they just float around and barely know what day is. They even like, if you live there, are you going like, are you even listening to jazz and like music? Some people are. I really don't know.

I think a lot of people there, there's a literary idea of what a city is, and then there's what a city is, right? Yeah. And in my opinion, New Orleans probably gets the closest to the idea of what it is from the, from the limited amount of time I've spent there, right? Work is hard because there's a million New Yorks, there's a million L.A.s. I mean, the real L.A. is the bullshit Hollywood. Everybody's trying to suck off somebody famous, whatever, literally and figuratively.

But New Orleans is the idea that it's got a very distinct culture and that the people who live there love it and want to live there and they give themselves over entirely to that. They're not like, you're not half in, half out. You don't dip your toe in. You go fucking head into New Orleans or you don't even do it. No one really famous used to come out of New Orleans. I don't know.

Like you, like you might be someone who left New, like New Orleans area, but like who, what's star got their start in New Orleans? Like it's more like a, I can't think of any. It's just kind of like a place where you just kind of live this artistic life and then like you get hammered all the time. And are you living an artistic life or are you just getting fucked up? I guess, I guess you could be playing music. Well, I mean, it's like, look, what was Hemingway?

Like Hemingway is writing these books and he's just getting fucked up in Paris. It's like, it's like, but no one cares about music or books in the US. Yeah. And so it's just like, we're not going to be happy anywhere. Good point. That's what it is. It's just, we're going to be fat and miserable wherever we go. Why not there?

It's too humid. Too humid. Yeah. No. It was probably the summer. We're not built for the summers. You need to be a wiry guy who's not built because it was like just. Don't you wish you were young and hot?

Would you have, dude, if I wish I was young and hot anywhere, if I could do it again, I would do nothing I did in this life. Right. I really believe that. I would do nothing. And I know I make a lot of you laugh and you go, oh, you're so funny. Hey, shut up. If I could do it again, I don't know.

Maybe I would do what I'm doing now. Do you? I don't know. I think I would do something else. What would you be? Blank slate. And then I have some questions from the, well, no, we're going to do them on a Patreon episode.

We're going to record later in the week. People, the pay money, get to ask you our questions. And some of them are like, so stupid. It's like, what do you think about, you know, and it's like, all right, we'll do that in the other episode. I'd be a lacrosse player. Is this true? I mean, I feel like I would have been an athlete if I could go back.

You could go back in time. This isn't very fascinating. If right. Come. Yeah. Could do it all again. Can I go through a period? I was talking about this earlier.

When I was around 30 years old, I was running five miles a day. Not even when you were younger. You were 30. No. I'm saying I was fat. That was 45. No. That was like, what, seven years ago?

No. Like something like six, five. I just love the idea of like, you're like, listen, I was 30. I was an athlete. No. My point is like, I'm not, I'm not, you know, I'm not running five miles down. Where were you running in? Weren't you running around the morgue?

I ran around around the morgue for a while and then eventually you want to go back to your glory days of running around the morgue. I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that I came to a realization like, cause I was fat my whole life up until then. There was a fat kid. It was never good. And like, oh, I should have been like pushing my body more because I was a kid.

And like, if I were to go back, I would, yeah, I, I, I, I'd practice. I didn't understand. Like, I understood they say practice, but until you get good at anything, I was never good at stuff as a kid. And finally, if I get good at something, oh, yeah, just put the time in, you can get good at baseball and feel good about yourself. Like people like to pretend like, oh, these, you know, athletics don't mean anything and they're shit.

Yeah. If you're doing two days at age 14 and like your whole town's revolved around football and rape, sure, it's not great, but I mean, the idea of having, you know, athletic backgrounds is a nice thing. I mean, it's a nice, the Greeks did it. Let's be honest. There's no professional lacrosse league. I'm not, you're saying you would do some collegiate sport.

I'm saying, I'm talking about, I would have lived more active. I would have been more active and that would have bled into the rest of my life. Okay. And I would have probably got into like law. I could have been a, I mean, I could have been like a trim lawyer. She wanted to be like a fit lawyer. Yeah. Cause no one wants to, I had a fat lawyer once, uh, but I mean, the worst, the worst

is to have a fat lawyer cause he was a good lawyer, but he was still embarrassing. Yes. He's like wearing like, he's wearing a scarf in the middle of court. He, what? I don't know. He was like, he was, was he a real lawyer or was he just, no, he was, he was, he was dead now. Look at a good looking lawyer.

He told me once, like a young guy was kind of, oh, I did have a, for a different thing, a good looking lawyer, but he was terrible. Cause the fact that I was good, the fact, but it's still embarrassing when he gets up. Yeah. He's, he's good because he works, he worms his way into the, into the county for years. What was the biggest problem with him was just the sight of him or was the way he talked? He was just bombastic and he kind of had a lisp and a slur and like, but he was, he knew everyone, he had these huge Christmas parties, I think where he'd invite the whole

county over. She's like a flamboyant, fat lawyer. Yeah. But he wasn't like, at least no one thought he was gay, but he, they kind of acted like a, he was a little bit of a, yeah, and, uh, and he was greatly, he, he, he, he was better than deserved. He was a real raconteur. Yeah.

And he was good, but like, I was still like, oh, but I knew, I knew he was right. He told me like, shave your beard and like, I look bad with that beard. You like, just shave it and I just don't listen to him. Now I agree with you. So you would be a fit lawyer. Yeah. And you would live where? Uh, probably like college would you go, if you could have went to a college, where would

you have gone? What's, I mean, I could have gone to a college, I mean, I'm a smart enough guy. I did pretty well in the SAT. You're everyone about you, everyone that knows anything about you knows how very incredibly intelligent you are. And I applied myself. Nothing. I mean, it's almost an original story.

What'd you get on your SDGs? Uh, like a 1280 without any practice, which is not, it's not, it's not the charts off. But I'm saying, if I, if I done a little bit, I could have gotten a 1400. Right. I think. And, uh, and not, yeah, it's, it ain't Mensa or no, maybe it is, but the point is, like I could have been, I could have gotten into Columbia, maybe, or like, uh, Dartmouth, maybe. I mean, is that like, I don't know.

I don't know much about the IVs, but I could have gotten into when I like, uh, if you're a white guy. Well, yeah. But back then, you know, that was a while ago. Here's what I would say. If I could do it all over again, I agree with you. Ben lost his phone and this is how he lost his phone. Ben, the producer of the show.

Yeah. It fell out of his pocket. Plank off. I mean, I've never known you to guy, I've never known you to pull up with things like that. I mean, it's just, I love him to death, but I mean, is this the guy? You know what I mean? I thought he lost his wallet too.

I guess that also did. Hmm. Is this where Peter says to, what is Peter's upon this rock God says to Peter upon this rock? I build my church. You know what I mean? I don't know. Plank off and the wallet fell out.

I don't know how you lose both. I mean, people change. That sounds, do people change another question? The great, great come. Um, like I'm not a drunk anymore, right? Right. But I'm still like an idiot. What's the thing?

You don't, I'm still an addict in many ways. You white, look, you don't change. You just white knuckle with the rest of your life. You evolve. I'm still an addict. The addict mentality has helped me with comedy. Yeah. You know, like, like these people who find serenity through Christ or like 12 steps

they're insane. God bless them. But that's a good insane. That's what you want to be. But that's the best you can hope for. Right. Like we've talked before about how like if you're fat, yeah, there's like research that shows like if you're fat and you lose a lot of weight, you keep all those fat cells

the rest of your life. Really? Yeah. So the minute you start eating fat again, it comes, it comes right back. Uh, once fat forever fat. Yeah. Like you can alter your behavior, but you don't change. Right.

And that's the scary thing. You're always going to have these demons probably. I mean, you know, I'm doing that keto or trying to do keto. It's not real keto. It's like Keto, Xali tomato sauce and shit, but I'm not eating bread, pasta, rice, sugar, like, you know, no desserts, none of that shit, no juice, I'm drinking only water. And you know, I can hook up with good looking dudes. I've hooked up with really good looking dudes.

But if you told me like, Hey, you'll just fuck male models for the rest of your life or whatever. I still kind of want ravioli. That's how deep the hook of fat is. Right. I still kind of want ravioli until I can never have a gyro again. I mean, I want gyro. That's the thing.

What am I not going to have ravioli? We, you know, I want to see, I want that feeling. Oh, but everyone look at you and they want to fuck you or you'll have a better chance fucking people. Yeah, but, but I want lobster ravioli. I mean, do you really want, how much do you really want to fuck? I want to fuck a decent amount, but not crazy. I'm saying people who fuck all the time.

It's like, I don't get it. Right. I mean, I have a girlfriend. Right. I love her. You know, you know, it's consensual. It's legal. No need to call the police.

Don't file a report. And we, and we have great sex. But it's fun. But I mean, I don't want it to be my, it's sweaty. It's, it's a mess. Yeah. You don't want to be your whole life. Right.

You guys were, were you going fuck boys? I guess so. I mean, I can't be a fuck boy. Well, I think you're putting limits on yourself and I hate to see you do that. But I don't know. I just, you know, I'm going to try to keep this diet going and I'm going to try to exercise. Right.

It's another thing I hate. I don't like, like, I've never known you besides the time you told me you swam when you were a child. I love swimming. But I've never known you to be like, do any exercise. I mean, you never, like, do you have a gym now? I'm not meant. Let's be honest.

Let's be honest. People are going to get mad at this. Ready? It's a controversial take. Come on. Is it exercise? Kind of for stupid people. Come on.

Fundamentally, I guess. I mean, and I don't mean that it's not the right thing to do, but. Come on. Well, they look aren't there. It's a lot of dummies. Yeah. And the thing is this, you got to work. If you're a working person, you got to work now.

I know that I should be stupid in its shape. But it's not my fault. Right. God made me, you know, I sit around. I sit around. I think, I think, I lay, I lean, I dream. Do you guys have much like when you go to work and then you go to a gym? You're spending like, you know, when do you actually watch the YouTube documentaries?

When do you squeeze that time in these people? Yeah. I don't understand it. Like how do you watch the docs? Yeah. Where does that happen? You could do it on the treadmill. You could do it on the elliptical.

Right. I feel good when I work out. I like swimming. I should swim more. I want to be that guy again. Here's the thing. Like the reason most art is created is because you don't feel good or content. Right.

So it's like, the point is, are we really art? Is anyone really an artist anymore? Is art really exists at all? Maybe not. Right. And that's because that's the thing. Like you could look at Michelangelo and go, oh, he wasn't happy, but he, you know, sculpted and you made the 16 chap.

Was he not happy? Uh, I mean, I get the impression he had some demons. I think she had demons. Right. Or pedophiles. Yeah. I mean, look, they were happy then when they were fucking, but yeah, not all the time. You know, everybody's ever done anything great was a pedophile.

What if aliens call our planet planet pedophile and no one even knows it aliens are like, yes, the most elite people there. Fuck the children. And you're like, wait. Chomsky used to love to have the whole, what if aliens came down and they just observed our society? What would they think? And he'd like to talk about like, well, obviously the rich and all that stuff.

And yeah, you're right. It would just be like, well, you got to fuck kids to get ahead. Yeah. They would be like, oh, this is planet pedophile. Yeah. As they left in their spaceship, they'd be like, oh, this is planet pedophile. Right. That's what that is.

But if I could do it all over again, I would be a swimmer because you're the hottest with the rip bodies. Yeah. Dude, I'd go to a state. I'd go to school like Colgate or Marist. Oh, I did. I did the cross camp at Colgate. Yeah.

I don't. I'm going to fuck with the Ivy's. I wouldn't even make my life about trying to be smart or good. Like this is what I've realized. Yeah. I would go to school at Colgate, get a hot check or a hot whatever. I would be in the checks probably. I don't know.

You just, you would do a scale, like a conversion camp. No. I mean, we're just doing a fake life. Okay. And then I'd have kids and I think I'd get like a fucking house by a lake or something. It's not give a fuck. I really think if I could do it all over again, I would be like, fuck all of that. I don't care about it.

I don't know. I mean, it's kids who grew up upstate. My dad's friend was his, my mother's friend was a swim coach at Colgate or Marist or one of them. But I think he worked at Colgate. He ran a camp there, whatever. And they had a nice, him and his wife had a nice house on the lake or his parents had a house on the lake and you would go there and dude, you know, they just didn't give

a fuck. I would love to have grown up. Like I mentioned it, like, yeah, in upstate New York or in a swamp. Americana, man. They're just living a Tom Sawyer life. There's no Italians, you know. Yeah. The food sucks.

You have a burger who cares. Right. You don't need everything to be great. They ruined you. The reason I like New York is the food. I'm a fat fuck. Yeah. I mean, Keto, I don't need to be here.

Right. I don't need to be in LA. I don't need to be any. You do Keto. You do it in the woods. Either raccoon. That's the point. The fuck you're going to be here for.

Right. Broke chicken. Don't you just fantasize about that life? You're just on the lake. I used to go to a Boy Scout camp. There was a pond. I don't even like the lake, but I just, the life seems great. The pond is not a pond.

The lake is a nice. It's Americana. The oceans are great too, but there's something about a lake. You have a nice lake house. It's quiet. Did you ever go fishing? You write novels. I would be writing a novel.

I've went fishing. You like fishing? Yeah. I'd go to a free port with 40 other losers from Long Island. Right. Calling the fish n words. But no, I went fishing with my uncle Michael out in Hamptons. I like fishing.

We're just like, we're indoor kids, aren't we? We're geniuses, right? This is the problem. We're geniuses in a society that doesn't care. I'm in the Tuscany by St. Gilles. Anxiety wants us to get in shape and go flippity blippity blop. And you know, I guess we should. I guess it's time.

I mean, who? Change or die, evolve or die. Yeah. I mean, most of us just die. I don't know. I like, I take a lot, I ponder a lot during the day. You can't ponder at a gym. Right.

Well, yeah. I mean, you kind of get into his zone. I'm going to lean on something for 45 minutes. Yeah. And think. No, because mostly when I'm at the gym, I'm just in pain. I'm just like, oh, what? When is this end?

It's hurting. Yeah. I'm hurt. Yeah. And I just want the end. Our bodies have failed us. Our bodies, our minds matter. Right.

Our bodies, which is why I'm excited for the transhumanism. Put this mind in a better body. I love a spider body. I've always wanted an erected body. That'd be amazing. They're not going to us. No. Why?

The spider bodies. But like, why not us? Like, why not? Because it's not, they're not going to give it to us. We're not going to get a good spider body. We can still upgrade like something, right? We will get the worst upgrade. It'll be rusty.

It will literally be, they'll put us in the same bodies with like metal legs, like tin men, tin men legs. This is all you two got approved for. Right. It's like, it's just like, we have to like move the spider legs with our arms. Like we're just pushing and pulling them. Hey, aren't we going to get the new spider body?

No. You got to prove to make your feet a wagon. We still have to, we still have to shit through the machine. Yeah. I mean, it's hard. I'm trying to change, man. I've lost a few pounds. It's a tough, I'm going to keep doing it.

Yeah. I'm going to keep doing it. The next step is I got to start exercising. But I just, I got to get into it. Yeah. I mean, exercising will get you kind of focused. I know. You really, I mean, you need to become a jock.

I mean, you can pick up guys at gyms, can you? Sure. I mean, that's a, that's a more healthy way. Pick up guys in the street, apparently. Sure. I mean, that's the thing. You want to be a guy who's got like, just get some biceps going, get some nice toes.

I wish I was rich. Yeah. I just want to be rich too. I just want to, you know, just get a trainer to come in and kill me. Just fucking strangle you. I just want a trainer to blow my brains out. I just want a trainer to come in and murder me. So I don't have to go along with the training program.

I mean, would you, would you just like, would you do fantasies about being grappled to death? Oh. All right. I mean, I don't know, man. I, I, I, we're at a point now where you go. I'd like to make something good. For who?

For what? I mean, that's a good point. That's a good point. Who is, who is the audience? Who wants it? And I don't want to be one of those guys who's like, fuck this and fuck that. We don't want to be that guy. Yeah.

But we got to be honest. And you go, well, well, you have this idea that like, well, the masses will go for this, but you're making something that will last for history. But like who's like, like almost like we're putting in a time capsule and waiting for someone to appreciate it later on. Everything is shifted. We're even like the smart set, like shit. Right.

The masses have always like shit. The mass is now like, like gobbledygook baby talk. Right. The mass is like just big ass. Even, even, even your friends who were talking about before your, uh, the people came to your set. Yeah. I don't look, I look at Rotten Tomatoes.

I look, I look at the audience score they were saying. Who? Right. It's like, they don't like no one. No one cares about. No one. Fine art. No.

Fine art. I mean, you think I'll make some good for niche group. Is it niche or niche? Neesh, I think you make something for a niche group. What, and they don't want it. No. I mean, no one wants it until you have, cause that's all bullshit too. Right.

It's like, yes, there is objectively good art, but the rich kids jerking each other off. Right. Exactly. Like, you know, that's why I think Warhol was a fraud. Well, better than what we have now. Sure. Warhol is a better than, I think the best life.

You just, you have a lake house. You're cooking burgers on the lake. You're reading, you're writing, you're reading, you're swimming in the lake and you're maybe doing a little light jog. You know, maybe go to the gym every now and then. You, maybe you're the teacher at the local school and the summer the kids graduate, you have sex with them. Right.

When they graduate. There's a pig. Would you like to be a pig? I feel like it'd be a nice, you know, I don't be slaughtered the first year, but I mean, I feel like it's a nice till you got slaughtered. It would be good. Yeah. I mean, look, I don't think you have to come back to be a pig.

You can pretty much, you could just climb in a pen. Yeah. I mean, they're smart animals. Are you focusing on losing? Cause you're big now. You're at a big place. No. Yeah.

I mean, look, we, we went out to the brunch today and they were eating meat and shrimp. Yeah. I'm doing no carb though. I'm doing the keto. Stay, stay with no carbs. It's the breads and the sugars, man. And the rice.

It's poison. Not to like, you know, reasonable people can moderate themselves, but. I hate that we grew up with our parent, our boomer parents feeding us poison. And we got to a point where we, we, we really, people don't realize I was shot food wise by the time I was like nine. I was just, I mean, the garbage I was eating. Right. I grew up on garbage.

I grew up on fast food. I grew up going out to eat. Yeah. I grew up at Fridays. I grew up, you know, and then you get to a certain point where you've lost control completely. And now you got to do a diet where you can't even have a little bit of rice. No, look, you, you have to admit you're an addict the same way alcohol and drugs and

the whole country. We've got lots of addicts, man. Yeah. Look, that's the thing. This country is built on hooking you on shit. Yeah. It's just like, you know, use it before like cat, like the fucking, the advertising firms with the cattle, with the cereals and the fucking food.

Yeah. The sugar cereals are just doing anything they can to get it down, you know, get it in front of a kid. Right. So they can get hooked young. The sugar industry is big. It's just like what I don't get is like so few people in this country actually have like jobs that matter anymore.

It's all service jobs. It's like there's like, they're selling to us. They treat us like cattle to get us to buy shit. But it's like, it almost like money is fake. Everything's fake. Like it's almost like, why is it like if the elites are really running this thing just to like get what out of us? Like, I don't understand.

It seems like you're robbing Peter the PayPal. They're just, they're just cash and checks. Yeah. Just moving it around. Just cash and checks, dude. No, that's the real creepy thing about everything is like, there really isn't an elite like condiving and running. They're doing it.

They're scamming and you're killing people. I think it's out of chaos. I don't think people like, I don't think there's a grand design, this new world order shit. I don't think there's any end game, this depopulation of the earth or whatever. Sure. They would, that would be nice. They would love that. But I really think it's just at the top.

I think it's just chaos. The reality is the economy is inflated so like since like over 100 years now, since the Fed and all this stuff, even before that with inflation and just the monetary policy and just like credit expansion and debt that like it really is just a bunch of plates in the air. And like you, like even if you were like, you know, want to be like an Austrian economist, libertarian, we're going to solve everything, you couldn't even unravel it. It's just, it's just,

No, I think it's just the great unraveling will be the final unraveling. Yeah. And it'll take a long time. Right. I mean, somebody made a point. I forget who it was. They're like, Great Britain is still called Great Britain. It takes a long time.

But yeah, man, and I think if you read the Whitney Web articles about Epstein, you see that like criminals, and by the way, and when I say the word criminal, I mean everybody who's behaving in illegal fashion from the, from the government to intelligence agencies, to legitimate criminals, to billionaires, the crime syndicate. Right. And the many crimes syndicate that are, we don't like to say that we don't have a shot. Right. Or to say that we're going to drain the swamp as Donald Trump said.

Yeah. He can't even drain the swamp we know about. Right. There's a whole other swamp that you can't even see and no one's writing about it. Right. And no, and the people that do get killed. And it's so much deeper and darker than people realize. And knowing about it doesn't help.

And the only way to have a good life is to not know. Yeah. Because the only way you get in is to be compromisable. Right. Like it's the whole thing with a skull and bones where like what are they, they fucking blow each other or they do whatever. No, they chuck off. Whatever it is they do, they do.

So they have something on each other. They don't trust you unless they have something on you. Right. Unless you're, unless you're someone we can, you know, close the lid on if we need to. Right. Because it goes back to the Meyer Lansky. And before, you know, and fucking like, you know, the turn like boot like a prohibition error in these early, the early mafia and people act like even people who like are into

this shit act like, you know, the CIA used a mafia to kill Kennedy, but that's it. Like, no, they're like, there's a, there's a permeable fucking like wall the same way to finance in the CIA is. Yeah. And I mean, you know, so it's like, I mean, Jacob Hoover is denying the mafia because they, you know, they had dirt on them. It's an invisible mechanism that controls a lot of what you see. Right.

A lot of the stories in the newspaper, a lot of the things we focus on are, are distractions. And then there is this invisible, all powerful, somewhat omniscient God like entity. And that doesn't mean it's five people in a room. It means there's many different groups of, of, of criminals. And, and the sophistication level is so high. And that's the problem. I am not defending the criminal networks that are in this country. And I'm not saying it couldn't be better.

But when you look at, like there are people who talk about like the nature of democracy and like democracy is unwieldy, right? Yeah. And especially on the scale of men, people we have and like what do we take to do anything in this kind of like, would you, would they be able to get, and I'm not saying most of what they're doing isn't like war profiteering and like debt slavery, but like, would they be able to get anything done without using a listen means, you know, under, under the table?

Well, I think part of it is that we, we, we all look at it and go, things aren't that bad in this country because for a lot of people, they aren't. Number one, number two, we're pacified by a lot of creature comforts and things like that. Number three, I think the real horrors and tragedies of this country, we write off as business as usual. That's just life. Right.

People are too sick. They can't afford them. Wow. That's just life. Yeah. This person gets evicted from whatever. That's just life. This old lady who's been living in an apartment forever gets evicted and they have health

insurance. Well, you want to wait two days for a doctor? Maybe. Right. But I mean, so we've conditioned the American public. They've done such a great job of conditioning people to accept nothing. Right. And to, you know, I did a joke on the last podcast and people are competing, competing

on American Ninja Warrior for insulin and they're saying it's a privilege. Yeah. I mean, that will be what will happen down the road. I mean, people love these GoFundMe's and they'll retweet them over that. What a great story. This family had no money and this little guy, like there was one which was amazing. They go, here's a three year old with a disease. John's healthcare company didn't know if they covered a new wheelchair for him.

So they made him a wheelchair. At Home Depot, they like made him a wheelchair. And this was like tweeted out and everyone was sharing it going, this is beautiful. This is the American spirit. It's like, no, the American spirit is to demand that the company give the fucking kid a wheelchair. Right. What? But this is the...

Maybe he's faking. Yeah. If we gave every faker a wheelchair, we go out of business. This little fraud. Game in the system. But that's what I mean. We've been conditioned and you can't talk to people. Right.

You can't talk to them about this because they all believe in some overarching political philosophy that's going to help it. They've kind of lost their humanity. They act... It was weird. They act like we invented patriotism. Yeah, dude. We invented freedom.

How about the Trump article I sent you where the people, the Walmart woman has no money and she goes, Trump made me believe in myself. I stopped paying Obamacare and I didn't pay the fine and nothing happened. And he taught me I could stand up for myself. To what? To get... To not have insurance. Yeah.

What is... We're rotten to the core. Rotten to the core. We're not like... Rotten to the core. It's sad. It's really sad. I mean, honestly, how does it get better?

And it's all these people that are positive. Do you not go outside? Have you not had any experiences with the human race? Here's the problem. People talk about ingenuity or like perseverance. It's like, no, I think we could fix all of this. Right. But like the people just won't accept...

Right. They won't even come together. No one even like... We used to value compromise in this country. Yeah. And like, yeah, it's hardly... I'm not saying the Republican Party isn't like, you know... Right.

And whatever, but like it's... But there is the idea that you're gonna like come to the table and make a deal is just like you're a traitor to whatever you do. The other thing is that nobody even agrees with the problems are. Right. They don't think that no healthcare for the kid is a problem. Yeah. They don't think the mass shootings are a problem.

They just think it's a function of freedom. And they look at it decaying society and go, well, people are free to do what they want to. They want... Look, we... They don't want it... Yeah, you're right. Like they don't want it to be better. Right.

We act like we want it better, but like... Why? That's a great question. Why don't we want it better? That's a really good question. I'm like a battered wife at this point. Yeah. We've just been like sold.

I mean, look, down deep, do you think we all want to... Like, and I'm not saying everyone's a pedophile, but down deep, do you think part of the sickness in this country is that everybody wants to be an elite and everybody wants to be on... Everyone wants to fuck people on an island. Not saying they have to be kids, but everybody wants to be able to murder and maim and torture and kill and have all this money. And like, is that just the dark? You know, have we...

Like, is this country pure id in that sense? I don't even... People say that. I don't think it's that. I think it's more fundamental that they just think it's gross to take a handout, even though like they're taking a handout probably. They're probably like someone like, you know, middle class white guy on a well... He was like, no thanks, on welfare and or whatever.

Like he's scamming the system, but like the idea of socialism is gross because like just some... Look, it's kind of like we're in the middle of hyper normalization. We're in the midst of it. When you see year after year, nothing change. And like, you know, Obama, then before that, there was Bush, right? Like nothing fun like when Obama didn't shut down Gitmo. And like, I'm not saying he was the same as George W. Bush, but it's like, oh yes, it's business.

The more like over time that just built up. And so everyone's just kind of like battered. No one really expects anything to change because it's just a swamp. Like, what is the swamp? The swamp is a like vague term for like, they're fucking us. Really, the swamp is like the corporate state. Right. That, you know, whether it's...

And however you envision that, whether it's lobbyists buying influence, whether it's the corrupt political dynasties. But the idea of the FBI couldn't arrest these people if they wanted to. But the idea like... The FBI is a problem. That's scary. Yeah. So that's scary.

There is my favorite movies, those conspiracy movies where they go find a cop or something and you find that he's in on it. Right. You know what I mean? Every Stephen King novel, you're like, oh, that guy. Right. But my point is like, but the idea that like, it would be hard if you actually had a well-intentioned government to do something about the swamp.

I also totally understand people who leave America. Right. If you can. You should never understand those people. I don't understand people coming here. Where can we go? Because it's so bad. Yeah.

But I never used to understand people that would leave. And now I'm like, yeah, I get it. Go to some seaside town somewhere else. But I mean, it's all getting bad. There's not a lot of places left. I mean, what's going to be funny is like, even when we fix this, we've already poisoned the earth. It's just done.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean... Maybe it's all fake. Maybe it's all fake. It's all rent Lamborghinis. I talked to a guy about the Hollywood. He's like, everyone out there is renting Lamborghinis.

They're all fake. They're fake if they can make it. Yeah. I'm like, no, they've made it. Yeah. That's how people justify it. They're all rich kids. Yeah.

A lot of them are. I know. Some of them have made it. Yeah. Some of them have made it. It is what it is. That is making it in America. Being a rich kid.

Being a rich kid is making it. Yeah. Maybe that's if we could do it all over again. Fuck all this shit. Be rich. Fuck lacrosse living by a lake. Don't be rich. I just want to have a cold mother and an aloof father and a lot of fucking money and expectations.

My friend Michael, like one of my best friends has always said if his parents pushed him a little more. Right. Because he got into St. John's. But if he could have just gone to a little better college, his life would have been better. And he goes, if his parents just pushed him a little bit more and not, not that it was their job to. Right.

But he said, like, you know, that's one of the things he looks back on. Yeah. Sounds nice. But John Rockefeller's dad was a deadbeat. Right. Hey, fuck you, Michael. Raise right. I mean, you know, wasn't Carnegie's dad also like push yourself?

Yeah. We're comparing him to the greatest, some Titans. I mean, the Titans never come from like, I never hear stories of my dad, which is like hardworking. I know. The big problem, I think, is also that we talk about those guys and that they're illustrative of anything other than that they're freaks of nature. Sure.

They're freaks of nature. I mean, that's part of the thing. That's like I was joking around today about the motivational speakers, Gary Vee. Right. I'm like, nobody needs that. Warren Buffett doesn't wake up and go, should I hustle today? Should I grind? Nobody needs that.

But there's a cottage industry of people telling other people that they're, and on the left, or the progressives or whatever you want to say, this celebration of people being 700 pounds should stop. Yeah. And women. Celebration of women being 700 pounds, never men. Right. So is women being morbidly obese?

No one knows. That is a victory. No one knows how to just speak without hashtags and buzzwords where it's like, you know, don't buy into the patriarchal sense of beauty, but yeah, don't be morbidly on the brink of death. Right. There's no nuance to anything. There should be a middle ground.

Right. There should be a little bit of a middle ground. I'm comfortable with my body. Obviously not. No one. I'm telling you, we're fat. I'm fat. Yeah, I'm not comfortable.

This is not comfortable. I'll tell you another thing. I just, this idea that you're good how you are and you should never evolve or grow or change. I mean, it's just the worst. It's the worst thing to tell anybody, whether it's about your body or your fucking mind. Right. Oh, you should just stay put.

Stay where you are. I don't know, man, if I was a conspiracy guy, I would say that the forces love this shit. Sure. They love this pretend activism. They love watching a group of people just get too fat to even leave their house. I mean, who are we going to fight? Right. Are we going to go scoop up the tear gas grenade like the guys in Hong Kong and like put it

into a thermos? How impressive is Hong Kong? Oh, God. I am so impressed, man. I'm watching it every fucking day, dude. They're patriots. I am so impressed. The idea that that even exists in this country is fucking laughable.

I do love how guys like he's like right-wing people on Twitter when that will be like, Oh, why don't you left us, learn something from that when they're not the ones like behind like whatever. By the way, you want them to. Right. You really want them to. Let's not fucking around here. Fucking moron.

My uncle said it. He was quoting somebody else once. He said it. You know, he said it right before Christmas prayer. It was a little weird. But he said the country is too dumb to be governed. Yeah. It's too dumb to be governed.

If it's not Trump, it'll be another con man. And look at that. That's what we get. It's not biological. It's not like, oh, we're willfully dumb. We don't, we don't like, you don't have to be a fucking Mensa student. Do you think it's the food? Do you think part of it is the poison?

Doesn't help. Doesn't help. But I think it's more the iPhone. It's more like the TV. It's bad. It was bad before the iPhone. It was bad. Look, it's gotten worse and worse.

It's gotten worse. When I say iPhone, I don't mean literally the iPhone. I mean, it's the amenities. It's the creature comforts that like the indulgences that we allow to distract us. Because like, you know, no one, the idea of like, you've said before, it was like, you know, we talk about like, you know, how does this affect me? Yeah. And that idea of allowing it to like disconnect where it's just, it is just an abstract aloof

notion. Well, physical communities are dead. Right. I talked about that the other day. Physical communities, for the most part, don't exist. Many of them were built around a plant or a company that shut down. Some of them were built around a church that's really no longer relevant to that area. And the only communities that are left are kind of digital communities.

Yeah. And, you know, I hate to say it, but they're not sustaining in any meaningful way. No, I mean, like there is no problem is they're so fickle. I mean, I don't really give a lot of credence to religion. And I think that, you know, a lot of toxicity comes from it. But when they worked well, when they were when they were productive things, it was like, it was a steady hand that, you know, it gave people a sense of tradition and a sense of like, you know, we like the idea that you like, you grow up and you teach your kid that trade

or whatever. Back when we had more like, you know, if you were a mason or a farmer or whatever, like that mason. Blacksmith. Yeah. Whatever it was. And, and you lived in a more like, you know, you lived in the same town and the idea of like, it's not all just pop culture and fickle.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, there is no continuity on any of this. There's nothing timeless. Right. How would you like it to end Donald Trump Jr.? You would always said a very funny thing you had said, a very sloppy false flag in the mall of America, you know, just blowing up the mall of America, Trump blaming it on China.

Right. It's just like, you see the video, it's just fat guys like running up guns, the guys Chinese. They're just blowing up the orange Julius. Just blowing up the mall of America and blaming it on China. That would be great. I mean, look, that's, I mean, look, you always joke around. Right. Well, 9 11 was like blatant enough.

Right. We would look at it. The first day, I don't think either one of us was like a truth or I mean, you have Epstein, which is just like, I mean, folks, wait, the cameras are all worked, guards are asleep. It's goofy. Yeah. It's clumsy. It's goofy and it's almost fun.

Right. It's on the edge of fun. It literally is. It's like a chapel. It's like a keystone cops. It's like fucking. So, yeah, I mean, it's just going to get more and more. I think they want to get to the point where they don't want to work hard.

They almost don't have to give us any type of story anymore. Yeah. I think the Soviet Union, uh, when Chernobyl happened, what were they telling people when Chernobyl happened? It was like, it was just like a fire. I mean, yeah, it was like, yeah, they didn't have a try hard. Yeah. Gorbachev didn't have to sell it.

It was just like, hey, you think we're full of shit? All right. Yeah. That's where we're at. Yeah. You don't like it. Fuck you. Yeah.

How long have we done? Uh, we're at 115. It's a lot of fun. I should have given that guy my number, man. Look, yeah, you gotta live dangerously. Yeah. What I mean, what am I protecting myself for? Exactly.

You see, you got a little cut up, whatever. You got a little stab wound. I want to thank everybody here at the Tuscany, the St. Gilles Tuscany. I mean, the amenities are really, that's what they pay for. Well, they have breakfast in the morning. That'd be nice. That's probably a lot of money. But what am I going to do?

It is what it is. I could walk to the deli and just get some bacon. Bacon and eggs. Yeah. I don't know. I kind of want lox. I want to go to Sables, but that's all the way up town. I love smoked fish.

You're not that into it. It's nice. Look, I'm like a nice piece of lox. I mean, we had some lox this morning. It was nice. They have nice lobster salad at Sables. Yes. That's how it is.

Keto. Yeah. Keto. Oh. I got to start going to the gym. I got to change it all. Yeah. It's still doing the, just sort of like walking in treadmill.

Maybe I can still get that lake house. Get the fuck out of this business. I mean, it's not that expensive. I mean, it depends. You can get a decent lake house in the Carolinas maybe. Are there any of those nice places, laughter, is it all just overrun by like the Klan? I mean, the Klan is going to be part of the game there.

I mean, like we think about these, you know, all these out of touch people like, I just want to live in a small town. And they're like, guys, there's two of those small towns. Right. The rest of them are bankrupt vacant lots where meth zombies are running around and people delivering babies on the sidewalk.

There's no squaint small towns. Maybe Vermont. Yep. The houses are 900 grand. Are they? Yes. Stop with the Vermont. Oh.

TimDillonComedy.com for any live dates. I'm going to be in a lot of places. I can't really remember all of them. I'm opening for Burke Reicher on his tour, Body Shots World Tour. I have other weekends coming up. I'm excited about them. I don't know what they are offhand,

but they're going to be on the website. RayComp. You can find me on Twitter and Instagram at RayComp, R-A-Y-K-U-M-P. You can listen to the COMP podcast. Also, I have a great podcast with Lucy Steiner called Our Love Is Disgusting. Both available wherever you get podcasts.

Check them out. Also, if you want to contribute to the show, if you want an extra episode each week and you want longer versions of the desk videos we do, if you want to interact with us and suggest topics, the Tim Dillon Show Patreon, get in there. You can be a $5 member

or you can be a Rothschilds member. $20 a month. You get all kinds of goodies. There's more coming for the Rothschilds. We're going to do an extra episode a month. You get the longer versions of the desk videos. Obviously, everybody that is a patron gets all the archives.

You know, it's fun. So get in there. Enjoy that. And good luck. And if somebody stops you in the street... Just give me your number. Give him your fucking number. Who cares?

I could be fucking right now and not talking about the demise of society. You know? Or maybe that's what this guy wants to talk about. I mean, that's the real... That's the real... That's the real...

The horror. I show up. I think he's going to suck my dick. I take my pants off. He goes, what the fuck are you doing? I'll talk to you about your universal basic income. He goes, I want to talk about transhumanism.

What's going on? All right, goodbye, fucks.