The Tim Dillon Show - 168: 168 - The Funniest Guy I Ever Met

Episode Date: October 6, 2019

Tim talks going to Logan Paul's house, getting sober, how many of you need to get a life, and the funniest guy he's ever known. Live from the deck in Los Angeles. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Cam, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers. Mmm, they all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody. It is Tuesday, October 1st, the beginning of sober October for Bert, Ari, Tom, Rogan. I'm leaving in a few hours from this porch to go and get on a tour bus. We'll fly first, and they got on tour bus with Bert Kreischer. And then I'm opening for him on the first leg, the first couple of dates, the first week of his body shots, world tour.

Very excited for that. Bert sober. I'm doing keto, so it's going to be a lot of fun. A real wild time, but it should be good, man. I'm really psyched and pumped to see people. And we just got back from Logan Paul's house. We just did impulse of the podcast. A lot of fun. There's a helicopter going over. We're going to give that a minute. Logan Paul, man. Beautiful home. Ben said it. Ben was like, he lives like the kid in blank check. Like there's toys everywhere and cars everywhere and friends everywhere. It's a good life. Really is. He's actually a nice guy. He's training for that fight he's doing with KSI. And we had a great podcast there. It was a lot of fun, you know?

And I explained in the previous episode with Ray, the futility of being angry at the YouTubers. That's over. You can be angry at them. You can be angry at anybody. Doesn't matter, you know? That whole, you know, response that Theo got when he had Logan on and response that I got. Why can't we all? How about no? There was a lot of people that were like, Hey, how about no? You're talking to that guy. And a lot of people just hate the kid because they don't feel like he deserves to be famous. Hey, will you get famous? I mean, I don't know what to tell you. This whole idea of deserve is a word that a child would use. It's a child that throws a tantrum.

I want it. It should be mine and not his. Get over it. Deserve. He works hard. Fame is not a thing that you discuss in those terms. You could discuss respect in that way. You could say this person deserves to be respected or they don't. Or their art or their work deserves to be respected or it doesn't. You can have conversations using that framing when you're talking about respect, when you're talking about legacy, when you're talking about influence. But when you're talking about something as fickle and as vacuous as fame,

especially right now, you'll find yourself chasing your own tail. This person deserves fame. These people are famous for no reason. The reason is that people watch and listen to what they do. That's why they're famous. I'm not even trying to be a contrarian here. I'm saying that is the reason. Your quarrel is really... I had to realize this, folks. I was kind of one of these people. This is why people are like, why are you blackpilling all the time? I'm not blackpilling. I realized my quarrel is not as much with the politicians. It's not as much with the entertainers. It's with the people. It's with my fellow citizens. That's the quarrel.

That's why people have guns. I figured it out. It's not to fight the government. It's to shoot their neighbor in the face. It's so that the people in this country can defend each other from each other. That's why people are armed to the teeth and they all have arsenals. Not because they think they're going to take on the Green Berets, because they're going to take on when Reddit goes live, when it's Facebook live in the streets. Mike, your quarrel is with the people. It's not with the bold-faced names. It really isn't. I talk to so many comedians, so many people in the arts or in entertainment, and they're like, can you believe that this is getting the attention? It's getting whatever it happens to be.

It's like, hey, man, talk to the people. Now, there's a lot of things in entertainment where they are propped up by writers and reviewers and journalists and media, and the people want nothing to do with it. But in the case of Logan and these YouTube guys, they have the numbers. They have legions of fans. So I don't know what to tell you. Get a life. Literally get a life. Find somebody to love. Figure something out. Get a job that fulfills you. Get a hobby.

The Great Red Compos used to talk about hobbies. But sending me a message saying I shouldn't go on the podcast when the guy's a perfectly nice guy. Do you know how many podcasts and people I do I hate? Do you know in the business how many times I have to talk to people I hate them? This guy's fine. He's a sweet kid. Now, I don't know. I mean, there's things, we've all done things and said things that we don't want on our epitaph. In a funeral, like in a cemetery, we don't want it on our headstone.

Everybody has done that. Fucking get over it. This rage, you know. When I talk about Doja Cat, I don't begrudge her her fame. Of course, Juicy is a song. Of course, she's famous. It would make so much less sense if she wasn't famous. That song on YouTube Moo where she goes, bitch I'm a cow, bitch I'm a cow.

I'm not a cat. I don't say meow. Of course, that has 54 million views. Go outside. Talk to someone, anyone. You'll get it. Watch a few minutes of the news. Look at our political leaders. Look at the fact that no one wants to go into politics anymore because they feel like they can really change the world more in tech

or working in that fake charity circuit, that bullshit philanthropy they all do, where they donate money for tax reasons. But they don't want to work in politics because politics is just very dirty. And a lot of tech is the recipient of a lot of talent that would have gone into politics or would have gone into finance. They go into tech because they think that their altruism has a better place in tech. Now, we know what altruism in tech is.

It's being super woke for the corporate state. It's giving yourself over to the idea that surveillance, not a problem, not an issue. De-platforming people, not a problem. As long as you are on the ideological spectrum of the people that work in those companies, and I know some of those people, I talk to them, but none of those people are revolutionaries, but they do believe that they're making the world a better place.

They believe that's what they're doing. And if you go to them with facts or statistics or a counterargument based in one of those two things, they tend not to receive that well. They don't receive that criticism well because they believe that they are literally changing the world and that they are the guardians of our democratic process and they are the guardians of free speech

and they will decide who should have it and when it should be had. But it was a fun podcast. Check that out. That's probably out already. This is going to come out, you know, Saturday Night Sunday. I talked about this article on the Patreon episode. I want everybody to read this article because it's a fucking killer article. And to their credit, The New York Times published it.

That's called How to Hide $400 million. Okay. It was written by Nicholas Confessore, published on November 30th, 2016. How to hide $400 million. It is so good. I'll give you a little preview and then I want you to go read it. We're not talking about it really today. This is just assignments. This is homework.

I give you homework. And if you're members of the Patreon, you already got this. When a wealthy businessman set out to divorce his wife, their fortune vanished. The quest to find it would reveal the depths of an offshore financial system bigger than the U.S. economy. And what's great about the article is you read it. You start understanding that Epstein was not only the island,

wasn't only the sexual blackmail, but it was this huge operation to launder money, to wash dirty money. It came from a lot of different places. Came from a lot of private, you know, major players in the financial world. And it also came from corporations. And Epstein was a guy who was very skilled at doing that. And that's from on the record,

north to record conversations I've had with a lot of people that believe that the full scope of what he was involved in actually is heinous and as shocking as the human trafficking was and the allegations about that, which are all true. There is something even larger in scope when you talk about the financial system that exists only for the wealthiest, most powerful people in the world and the way that they're able to hide money offshore overseas.

Very fascinating article. We're going to try to get some people on the show to talk about that. It's very, very interesting. I'm trying to book some dates in London over the holidays because I want to be a victim of terrorism. In the UK, I've sat down with my agent. We said it would be really good. It would kind of get, you know,

I don't know that I'm a sympathetic figure, but I feel like if I'm plowed down in a open street market in Britain by somebody, not hurt, but just kind of knocked over, knocked off my axis. I think it might make me look a little better. But no, I'm seriously thinking about going over there, doing some shows, and then maybe shooting a special that I might distribute myself over at the Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow,

which was one of my favorite rooms in the world. And I love going over there. And I haven't really been on a vacation in a long time. Like I haven't been on a vacation. And the vacations I went on when I was a kid were OK. I mean, my parents took me to one place called the Enchanted Forest, which is, I think, up by Canada by the border. I don't know what the fuck they were doing.

They're probably trying to sell me to pedophiles. But then once they saw me, you reneged. And they were like, OK, I guess we'll have to take them to the theme park now. And then I went to Disney World twice. We've talked about that at Nauseum. I went to a castle in Scotland with my dad. We talked about that. We did not take a lot of vacations as a family.

It was not a thing that we did. And I don't take a lot of them now. So I don't have a lot of money. And, you know, so I would like to get over there to the UK to see what's it about? What's going on over there? You got Brexit. You got Boris Johnson.

What's the deal? Let me sink my teeth into that sociopolitical climate. Go and criticize their food. You know, get a British twink. You know, one of them is really goth and pale. You know, maybe one of the Harry Potter kids who's grown up is now on drugs, spent most of their money. Me and Ben were watching today.

We were watching like, you remember if you grew up, you remember TGIF, family matters, step by step, boy meets world and hanging with Mr. Cooper. Those were like the shows you would watch as a kid Friday night, TGIF. Thank God it's Friday. And I don't know if they even have TGIF on ABC anymore. They probably don't.

Those were like the shows for kids on Friday night. It was a fun... Yeah, that ended in 2003. That ended in 2003. Then all the kids started watching 24. They started watching Jack Bauer, torture terrorist. There's a ticking time bomb. We need to get information from this terrorist

before a nuclear weapon goes off. Jack Bauer will do it. Nothing... I love that very few pop culture phenomenons did more to legitimize torture than 24. 24 was cited as a reason that torture worked. People forgot that it was a show. It was a show and people would be like,

well, you don't understand. Did you see 24? And you'd go, well, that's a show. Yeah, but that's the way it happens. No. Yeah. No. Usually when you have a ticking time bomb scenario,

it's too late. Okay, dum-dum? That's too late. It's not working. When the bomb is already in place and it's literally ticking, that's movie shit. That doesn't work. But I love that that was a pop culture phenomenon.

24. When you look back at these shows, it's going to be amazing to look back at all of the... And they were not even good, like all of these garbage things that made us think that the Iraq war was like a good idea.

All these movies that made us think that these things were good. Well, what about Flight 93? That was a great one. Dad, how did 9-11 happen? Watch Flight 93. Shut up. Well, you just watch it.

What? Let's reset. Let's roll. And then he killed the terrorist on the plane. And then he took that plane and he captured bin Laden. We won't even know. We won't even know what the real... Because our minds will be melted by drugs and food and Adderall and Taco Bell.

By the time our kids come to ask us, try to explain any event to your children. It's impossible. I mean, can you imagine 15 years of kids are trying to explain to them like the Iraq war? You're like, ah... Well... 19 hijackers hijacked a plane.

19 hijackers hijacked one plane. No, no, no, a lot of planes. How many planes? I don't know. I don't know. And then they drove them in. They flew them into buildings in the Pentagon. And then we went to war with Afghanistan and Iraq. Why?

Well, because Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, we thought, but he did. And then we went to war there. How long were we at war there? 20 years. 20 years in Afghanistan and Iraq. And then what happened? Then we elected Donald Trump.

How did Trump get elected? Well, he was funny. He was entertaining. And we got to a point in our country where every politician just lied to our faces very professionally. And we wanted to elect somebody who would ruin the country. We knew that was going to happen. We wanted to elect a guy where there was a very good chance he would burn everything down.

And that's why we elected him. Because we thought there was a good chance that he could either turn around. Like I remember one guy was saying to me, he goes, you know what I think? Long Island guy. Long Island people never need to be asked their opinions. They always just goes, you know what I think? I think Trump's got to be the best president ever. I was like, okay.

And then if you ask, it's great about Long Island. Ask them a follow up question. They go like this. You go, why do you think that they go? Watch. That's a Long Island follow up. They go, watch. Dude, that business going to fail.

Why do you say that? Watch. It's a great way to not have reasoning for whatever you're saying. It's huge in Long Island. I don't know where you people grew up. Very big in Long Island. My dad would say it all the time because he used to say things that made no sense. And then he'd be like, just watch.

Just watch. And then you'd watch and it wouldn't happen. And then of course you wouldn't bring it up to them again. It was just, they won the moment in their own head by saying, watch. Six months later, of course that didn't happen. You know, they just just like, hey, how did that work out for you? How's that working out for you? Shut up.

Then they'd have a new thing. They'd always be on to a new thing. One of the glimpses into insanity that I got, and I got a lot of them. And I've probably given many people some of them. But one of the glimpses of insanity I got that I take with me, and I found to have a lot of value, comedically and otherwise, was a man named Howard. We called him Howie.

Howie used to work in mortgages with me. And Howie was a small man. He was short, diminutive in stature, but he was very loud. And he talked with his hands like this. And he was who you would cast in a movie like Boiler Room. He was who you would cast in a movie like The Big Short. He was exactly the person that you imagined would occupy that type of space. He drove a BMW truck.

He lived in a condo in not a great part of Long Island, but it was by the water. And he made no money at the office because he was a horrible salesman. He made the majority of his money selling cocaine. And the cocaine was not good. It was very bad cocaine. It was so bad you would do it and go, is this cocaine? That's how bad his cocaine was.

But he believed in his head that he was the greatest salesman of all time. And the only other job he had before he worked at our company was he worked at a company on Wall Street that was famously, basically, it was a currency trading firm that was essentially just the bank accounts of the Russian mob. And it was legit, legit in terms of that there was a lot of people making a lot of money, but it was also a complete and total fraud. He comes out of that company.

He landed in Long Island with me. I thought this guy was very funny because he was insane. I always loved people that didn't, that the facts were irrelevant, were completely relevant. Like he didn't sell any mortgages and he didn't make any money from our company. But yet he would still walk around the office as if he was the CFO. Like he was a CEO. Like the guy didn't care that he wasn't.

And he would say that he wasn't making money because the company sucked. Like everybody else was making money. People were making 30,000 a month. I wasn't making it, but there were people making a lot of money. And how I was like a young guy was like 22 or 21 and maybe even younger and Howie was just this character that liked me immediately because I spoke well and I was good on the phone. You could put me on the phone with a client, but I would listen to Howie

and the bosses would tell me to go, don't say anything Howie says. He's a bad salesman and we probably shouldn't even have him here because he doesn't care, but it was the facts were relevant to him. It didn't matter because he had a condo and he had a beamer and people were like, I think his parents pay for it. And people were like, I think he sells Coke to make that money and people like, yeah, but the Coke's horrible. Who's buying that?

We're like, good point. So nobody knew how he had any of this money, but he didn't even have that much money, but he had enough. His friends had money. People liked to keep him around because he was crazy. I mean, he would, the company we worked for was called Franklin First and he would call people up on the phone and say things that were so unbelievably untrue,

provably untrue, baseless, that people would be like, I mean, he would call up people and you'd go. Hi, this is Howie from Franklin First, you know, Ben Franklin. And they'd go, what? People didn't even know. People would be like, did Ben Franklin start the bank? He'd go, he was involved. I mean, people, he said once, he's like, I'm standing in the stock exchange

right now in an office overlooking the stock exchange. Nobody even knew if that was possible. We're like, are there even offices on the second floor of the... But he was calling people in the middle of the country who had modular homes. I remember once, he was trying to do a deal with this woman who had a modular home, which is essentially like a double white on a foundation. And he had the file and he's like, he goes, he walks to the secretary's office.

He goes, what the fuck is the problem? That's the way he's... That's the way he used to talk to our secretary. Kelly, who was just a drunk, smoked Marby Reds, Marba Reds. And she was like, she goes, lower your voice. Who the fuck are you talking like that? He goes, what the fuck is the problem? He goes, I can't close the deal with this goddamn place.

And Kelly goes, the woman who told you it's a modular, she goes, it's actually a double white. So we can't do a double white. And she'd throw the deal back at him. So then how do we get on the phone with the woman? And he'd go, hey, apparently it's a double white. Is this true? The woman goes, no, it's a modular.

And then how we would like cover the phone and scream at the secretary and go, it's a fucking... And by the way, total commission on this, maybe $1,200, right? Maybe $1,200, but he's screaming. He's screaming. He's trying to cover the phone. And he goes, it's a fucking modular. I told you that.

And then he'd get back on the phone with the woman. And the woman was like, you know, I'm looking at some of the papers and I don't have the certified modular paper. And then how he goes, well, then it's a fucking double white. And how he goes, we don't do double white. You're wasting my fucking time. And then he'd slam the phone down. And then he'd just walk out of the...

And he'd start going like this with his hands. And he would just start screaming. And then he'd just walk out of the office. He goes, nobody has any fucking money. And the whole... Everyone was making money. Everybody had... But it was funny.

People thought it was funny. It was a good breakup of the day. I remember I was at his house. He would blow with him once. And he goes, I want to move to Santa Domingo because they treat you like a fucking person. I'm like, I don't even know. I just started laughing.

I was like, I don't even know what that means. But he was so bad at sales. He didn't know any of the programs. He didn't know how to sell anybody on anything. And he would just try to refinance people that lived in boats. He didn't care. But I just started thinking about him

because I'm like, the facts never... The facts were so unimportant to him. If you sat down with him and you showed him like you're like, listen, buddy, you've closed no loans. You've made no money. He would spit in your face. He'd be like, you know, fuck it. He's like, you think I'm making money here?

Because if I was waiting to make money here, I'd be fucking dead. Are you fucking nuts? You can't... Nobody can make any money here. People, the bosses would be like, everyone is making money. Everybody is making money. But he was just completely unhinged.

I mean, he did, and I've told the story before, but he did one of the craziest things ever where he sat down at a closing and he said the APR, which is the annualized percentage rate, which is the cost of what the mortgage costs you with all the financing included into it. He literally looked somebody straight in the face and went, they go, why is the APR rate higher

than the contract rate, the note rate, whatever? And the answer is, well, it's because it includes the cost of financing. But instead of saying that, he said, well, that, honey, that's the average person rate. And you're better than average. So we gave you a lower one. And the closing attorney called my company and goes,

this guy, they go, this guy is out of control. We can't even... But the amount of times that he would try to refinance a modular home and then find out it's a double wide, because this is the guy that talked big, steak houses, money, coke. And then he was just trying to refinance homes that people could get in and drive away. And then he would find, because to be a modular home,

you'd hear him on the phone. He's like, yeah, we do modulars. Do you have the modular certification? And then somebody said to him, they're like, what do you want a mobile home specialist? He goes, will you shut the fuck up? I'm on the phone with a client. And he'd be like, do you have the modular paper?

Can you please bring me the modular? I mean, but it got me thinking, what we were talking about earlier in the show is like, there are people that you'll meet in life where the statistics, the facts, the real story, what's actually happening, have no interest in it. They feel about reality the way I feel about astrology. I know a little about it and I don't really care.

I see it occasionally in a magazine briefly. And I'm like, oh, that's interesting. That's the way a lot of people feel about reality. That's the way Howie. Howie, there was this guy, Mike, this guy, Uncle Mike, that used to work there and he was like the older guy. You got to realize all of this, this is a company started by a 24 year old who used to sell drugs and his lawyer was like,

we can't get you off if you get popped again. You got to sell something else. He discovered mortgages and he started making like 90 grand a month because all the guys that got kicked out of stocks went into mortgages. And I was like a young kid and I went in and I was just on the phone getting applications, handing them off, making a few bucks here and there, part-time college. I hadn't gone full in yet.

I hadn't quit college and bought the house and did all that. But I remember going into this office and there was an older guy who drove a Honda Civic, this guy, Mike, and Mike was the guy who owned the company. I don't want to say his name. I don't want to say everybody's name, but the guy who owned the company, his uncle, was like the guy that was supposed to be the office manager,

the HR guy, human resources. And he was a respectable guy that was lured out of some version of corporate America, but he drove a Civic. So Howie would be like, Howie would just be like, like Mike would try to talk to Howie about how he's like behavior in the office, but Howie didn't respect him because he drove a Civic, you know, and he just clearly was like, didn't have a lot of money.

And nobody knew how, how he had money, but he had some money. So Howie's just like, I'm got a guy in his Civic. He goes, because I got a homeless guy telling me how to behave in this office. He goes, I mean, I don't understand. He goes, how does this office work? You have, you have, you have a vagrant telling me how to conduct myself in the boardroom. He used to call the office, the boardroom, by the way.

I mean, it's like, if anything could have been less of a boardroom, it was this, we gave the guy who delivered, there was a deli called Sujans or this Asian guy would make sandwiches. He answered, go, hey, Sujans. And you go, hi, Sujans. And I go, hi, can I get cracked pepper with turkey ham, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, cracked pepper on a hero, macaroni salad, Nestle quick. Talk about a lunch and I'll take you out of the game. Sujans go, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

And then he would send this Spanish guy that we called Eddie, who knew what his real name was, it was Eddie. So Howie, swear to God, hired Eddie to start calling Spanish leads. Okay. Howie was like, the reason that I'm not making money is I can't speak different languages. Everybody's like, no, the reasons you don't even know what you're saying, you sound like a crazy person. And the only people that will talk to you are people that have like modulums.

I will say this about Howie. Funnest person, maybe top three funnest people I've ever spent any time with. Okay. I mean, he walked into the Christmas party, coked out of his face. It was like a beautiful, like catering hall, not beautiful, but whatever, Long Island. And he goes, he walks in, he walks in, he walks in, he walks in, he looks, he takes a quick look around and goes, oh, good, a shithole.

And then just kept walking. Just keeps getting drunk on free booze. He goes, oh, good, a shithole. But he hired this Spanish guy. And days later, the Spanish guy starts crying in the office. We're like, Eddie, what's wrong? Howie gets him to quit his job delivering food at Sue John's, Delhi.

Howie gets him to quit his job. He's like, I'm not working. I have no money. Howie, no, give me nothing, man. He give me nothing. And like, so Michael Mike had to call Howie and he goes, you can't do this. We never hired this guy. Howie's like, I don't have to run my decisions by you.

Mike's like, you absolutely do you 100% do. You don't know who this guy is. You have him in here calling leads. He's now crying. He's upset. You got him to quit his job. He has no money as a daughter. Howie goes, I didn't tell him to have a daughter.

He has a daughter. But this is the type of stunts that he would pull. This guy was bawling, this poor guy. We went over to him. We're like, we're sorry, man. People are giving him money. Howie's standing outside smoking a cigarette. We're like, dude, your guy you hired is crying.

Howie's like, well, whatever works. Is he doing it on the phone, trying to sell leads? We're like, no, he's having a breakdown because you're not paying him. You got him to quit his job. Howie's like, well, smoking cigarettes. Well, you just do that a lot of go. Sociopath. This crazy.

I mean, the guy was bonkers, but so much fun. It's hard to describe how much fun he was. And a guy like that, you're like, oh, he couldn't even do that much damage to anyone because he could barely sell anything. So as much as you'd want to blame someone like that for the financial crisis, he's maybe the most innocent person in the building because he didn't sell anything. He was just selling cocaine to people that would have bought cocaine anyway.

In that mortgage office, two people died of an overdose in the time that I worked there. Two. One of them was a friend of mine who I really liked. He died and we all went to his funeral. It was fucking crazy. And he died and then a secretary also died. And the guy who sold my friend the drugs worked in the company. So then he had to leave and go somewhere.

It was kind of like wild. It was wild time. I don't know how many of you have worked in that type of environment. Probably not many, but it was fucking crazy, dude. And we start, you know, I still remember that having to go to the funeral, having to go into work and, you know, his parents being there, his sister, you know, going into his desk, seeing his desk was very, very hard. And he was a great, this guy was a great guy.

Who died and it was like sad. It was fucking, it would ripped everybody up in the office. It tore everybody up. And the guy that sold the fucking drugs was in the office. So it was like, it was a crazy time to exist in this space. So that guy could like never go back because people wanted to kill him. This guy's friends were like, we're going to kill this guy. You shouldn't have sold him that, you know.

And I mean, if any situation that I've ever worked in, any situation that I've ever worked in, that first company that I did mortgages in was the craziest group of people. Forget comedy for a second. Just let's talk about the real world being out there. The amount of people that were assembled in that office were some of the wildest people and the craziest people. There was a guy in that office. There were so many people in that office, but there was a guy in that office. And I mean, I can't say names, but I wish I could because these people's names are so perfect.

They immediately start to understand who they are if I said their names, but I can't say their names. But there was a guy in the office who was an older guy. He used to wear like a button down shirt with like, like it was like down to here, down to here and just like his chest hair out. And it was just like, no, everybody was like, what the fuck is this guy doing? And he was just, he was like this Italian guy. His name was Jim something. And, you know, think of an Italian food dish that you like. Chicken Cacciatore.

Call him Jim Cacciatore. Same thing. And he would call people up and he didn't know anything. So like every two seconds on the phone, he'd have to go, hold on one second and he put them on hold. And he'd go, what's the deal with this? And they would go, just get their info and call them back. And then he'd go back on and go, I think the 30 year loan is the best loan for you to take. Well, there's a few reasons for that.

Hold on. Why? Why are they taking it? Why are they taking it? So like on the other end of the phone, you just would put on hold, put on hold, put on hold, put on hold because he knew not like he didn't know anything. He didn't even know what a mortgage was. He had no idea what was going on. Like every two seconds, he'd have to stop and he'd have to ask somebody.

And eventually people were like, listen, fucker, just, just, you know, generalize. But I mean, there was a lot of wild people in that office. I will go through them one by one one day on a podcast. I tried to pitch a show that was not that office, but another office that I worked in, which was sadder because it was 2009 and the market had crashed. So it was sadder and therefore funnier, the 2009 office. But the office that I worked in in 2006, 2005, 2006 was the height of insanity, the height of crazy, the height of drugs, the height of my, it was probably, yeah, it was the height of my drug use. It was when I would take a morphine, like somebody hit me a pill, they'd be like, and I'd be like, what is this?

They'd be like, it's morphine. I would take a morphine pill and get into my Oldsmobile 88, which barely worked. Like I would hit the brakes sometimes and the whole car would stop. And I was on morphine and I'm like, oh boy, like starting it again, getting it going. And then I'd have to continue to drive home. But legitimately, you know, and that's when the Coke came back heavy. The Coke came back super heavy. And I would just, I owed money.

At one time I owed people thousands of dollars, just cocaine. And I would just sniff a line of cocaine. And then I would just call people on the phone and be like, hey, how are you? This is Tim Dillon with Franklin first has everything going. And then I would, you know, try to pitch them and everything and just do more cocaine and more cocaine. It was bad. It got to a point where I was just, I forget where I was living at that time. I was living in a windowless basement apartment in Massa Piqua, Long Island doing cocaine.

And then I moved into another apartment in Long Beach, which I barely lived in. I was doing cocaine there. It was just what, and then I finally bought that house. But the drug regimen was strong. And it was a lot of fucking, it was a lot of late nights at that guy, Howie's house, just sitting there, listening to him go crazy. Sometimes his coke was better than others. He was doing it with you was okay. If he was selling it to you, it was horrific.

And then we'd go out as a company. We'd get in this little limo, this little shitty old limo driving to the city and then we'd go to these nightclubs. And then like, you know, these goons would party and we'd just dance and drink with chicks and do coke. And then the boss of our company just punched this guy once so that we all got kicked out. It was just like that type of event. Or we'd go to this place Mirage in Long Island and Mirage was like this. It was this massive mega club right in the middle of Long Island. And it was like, you know, Gold Digger just come out and all these crazy sorts.

Everybody would just dance and do blow and drink. It was just a true religion jeans and a lot of cocaine. And it was like, you know, you couldn't have, if you had gone into any of those clubs, you would go, oh, everyone in here deserves a financial crisis. Like you deserve it. There's not too many clubs you could walk in where you wouldn't feel like that, by the way. But there's something about those Long Island people that are so confident. They're so self-assured. They know what's going on.

Watch, just watch. This is the way it's going to work. Do you have any facts? Watch. There's something about seeing those people have a good time and really just drink and get loose where you want that. You want like something horrible to happen. You like sit there and you look at these people and they're getting away with it. All their ignorance, all their idiocy and they're dancing around.

And you guys just kind of want a crisis, a financial crisis to just kind of thin this herd. At least there'll be less of them. At least there'll be less people dancing in this warehouse if we thin it out, you know. But it was some of the, and I wonder where those people are right now. I don't, and I don't wonder like I'll ever try to get in touch with them. Not that much. I don't wonder that much. But I do wonder what happened to some of them because some of those people probably ended up in jail.

I heard that guy ended up in jail. Howie, I could be wrong. Some of those people maybe ended up, you know, doing too many drugs and dying. I heard a few other people from my, if you could do a tally of how many people are still alive from that period of my life or how many people, you know, how many people from that office died, it would be high. It would be very, very, you look like you were going to ask a question. Were you not? Okay. You had a face. It would be an uncomfortably high number of people that died. I went to two or three funerals in that era of people.

One was a car accident, but, you know, a lot of that was brought on by. One was the OD in the office and then there was this other one, but it was just fucking tough. It's very, very tough to watch these stories about people that are on opioids and taking pills and it's very, very tough. I mean, it's like, it's brutal. It rips families apart and, you know, it just fucking dude, it's an epidemic. It's a disease, you know, and then you have this family, the Sackler family that like owns OxyContin, you know, trying to like bribe people to get to say that it's not addictive, you know. God love them. It's brutal, man.

And I did a few of those pills. I did OxyContin a few times due to wasn't my thing. I ended up just scratching myself. I liked to perk a doodle, viking him, but even that wasn't my thing. You know, you just scratch yourself. You get euphoria. I mean, I do. I love to perk a set in the morning.

You get in your car, you take two perk a set, you get two eggs over a medium big and a cheese, salt, pepper, ketchup on a roll and you get like a double latte from Starbucks and you just drive to work with that. And then you fart and you'll kill yourself by the fart of all of those things. You'll literally just kill yourself in the car. But I would drive to work and I would smoke like seven cigarettes and the perky high is great. And then you're at work and you start itching and you're like, this is a socks, you know, and you always felt strung out. That was never my, my, my fucking jam. But a lot. I saw a lot, you know, a kid that I went to school with Odead and we, we ended up going to his funeral.

That was the third funeral I went to. Like there's a lot of people that do, there are drug counselors, people who spent years in drug counseling, counseling addicts and they go to funerals every month because they know that that. So if you're out there, if you're listening to the show and you do anything like that, you know, get help because that's, you cannot kick that alone. Gary Vee isn't going to help you kick it. It's not getting a positive attitude. Go to a rehab, like go to a program if you can. I know with insurance it's shitty, but I mean, I know a lot of people that die. It's not something that people recover from.

You know, it's not like falling out of ketosis, getting back into Kato. I had a biscuit. Uh-oh. That's not this. This is a major problem. And when I look at the height of my drug use, the height of it was in, I would say 2006, 2007, when I was just a worthless drug addict, like totally worthless, completely incapable of functioning without not only drugs, but the idea that there would be drugs if I did this and that. I'm like, well, I'll get, I'll be able to get high.

If I, if I do, if I complete these tasks, I'll be able to get fucked up. And dude, what, I think what kept me alive is that I didn't mix drugs. It was kind of a pussy. When I drank, I drank. When I did coke, I did coke. People always thought that was so weird. When I did pills, I did pills. I didn't drink and do pills.

I did not mix drugs. And I was a purist. But no, but I, but I think that's what kept me alive. I think if there's anything that kept me alive, it was luck, maybe some form of genetics and fucking the idea that I just didn't really mix a lot of those drugs. Because you see when these SoundCloud rappers, and I am dating little Zen, when these SoundCloud rappers, unfortunately, a lot of them die because they mix. They take lean. I don't even know what lean. What is lean cough syrup?

I mean, a real issue here. The kids are really the drugs kids are on today. I mean, it's crazy. It's literal pharmaceuticals, literal. They're ordering them from Merck and Novartis. I mean, these kids and they're all tiny little kids and they're so fucking high. They're so tiny and so high, so small and so fucked up. It's amazing when you see somebody that small be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, just completely.

How long have we done here? 48. Okay. We're about to wrap this puppy. Get the fuck out of here. I got to go on tour with Bert. We got to start doing some sketches. We're going to put together some more of that mortgage stuff.

I don't know the best way to do that. Maybe it's animate it. Maybe it's sketches, but we need to take that. It's got to go somewhere. I was trying to pitch a show where a lot of those stories would go in there. And unfortunately, it's just not on anybody's to-do list. It's not on any networks to-do list. But dude, the reason that I've always liked those types of people and the reason that

I connect with them, even as a comedian stills, because when you start like any job that's creative or maybe it's your own business in the beginning, nobody believes you. Everybody thinks you're full of shit. So the facts have to take a backseat to the idea and the ideas and the delusion. And that is incredibly healthy. You need that. You can't overdose on the delusion because you end up 38 with four roommates in a coffee house talking about Russia and Trump and Mike Pence and you're tweeting at Bernie Sanders

and he's a Russian agent. That's when you do too much delusion. No good. But in the beginning, you need to be a little crazy. So I've always kind of, I myself am a little crazy to do what I do is a little crazy to want to do what I do is a little crazy. And I think that I've always kind of had a soft spot for people that were a little out there because not only did they make the world less boring, but without those types of people,

without the tenacity of crazy. A lot of the greatest shit that we have would never have been brought into reality, would have never been brought to fruition because, you know, everybody tells you all the time to just walk the path that everybody walks. And then if you go outside of that path, you know, it takes not only some guts, but I think it also takes, you got to be a little nuts. I meet people all the time and I'm like, oh, you're not going to succeed because you are too sane.

You're too normal. You're too sane. Like your, your, your eyes are all dotted. Your T's are all crossed. And that's a great life. But it's going to prevent you from going to the places that you need to go to get great at what you're trying to do. The risks you have to take, you're not going to take the people that you're going to have

to become friendly with. You're not going to become friends with probably because you're going to look at them and be like, well, what? You're not going to shake your life up to the extent that it needs to be shaken up to get a really different result from the one that you're getting right now. And so when I talk to people, people message me like, do you have any advice on comedy? People message me and it's like, obviously I always say, don't do it. Don't joke, joke, be crazy a little bit.

Like what would be the craziest thing? And I don't mean be crazy, like live in a tent. I mean, like if the craziest thing for you would be to move to New York or move to Los Angeles and, and totally change your life and, and change the relationship you have with a lot of your friends and your family. If you, if that feels fucking bonkers, if that feels batshit crazy, do it. Whatever the thing is that feels batshit crazy, do it. Because if you don't do it, you know, you might regret it.

You might not. You might regret it if you do it. Now here's where I, where it's like, because that you're like, well, I thought you hated Gary Vee. Here's the other part of this. This is what Gary leaves out. If you do it, the chance it will pan out is so small. It's like head of a pin, head of a pin, Lotto is much better chances.

Play Lotto, much better chances. And the chance that even if it does work out, it won't completely destroy you is zero. So that'll be, there you go with that. I mean, find something you love and let it kill you. What it is. Don't let it kill you. No, but I like Sunday morning. Yeah.

No. But it's all about, so I still look fondly. I look at my time with those people fondly, even though they were crazy and I don't know where they are now. And they were, a lot of them were the bad kind of crazy. Some of them were the good kind of crazy, but really it's always a mix. It's always a mix. It's never just the good kind or the bad kind.

You always get a little bit of both. And that's what I take away from those people. Sometimes facts can't matter. You just got to fucking go out there and see what you can do. And then sometimes facts should matter. You got to land on earth eventually. You got to land. First couple of years, you can just kind of like, hey, you have that feral look about

you. You're just trying to claw your way somewhere. But eventually you got to pay the piper. You got to land on earth. And that's the way it is. And I don't know where those people are right now. I imagine that some of them, maybe, you know, these are the types of people who would throw their mothers down the stairs to inherit a house.

I mean, literally. Literally would push their elderly mother down the stairs. And you'd hear her go clonk clonk clonk clonk clonk. And they would go ma. You know, this is the type of people they were. But I still look back at the times we had together and some of the lunches and the dinners and the late night chats. And I say, you know what?

They were very, very, very bad people. Maybe. Who am I? God. But they were a lot of fun. And fun people go one of two places to rehab or to jail. That's where fun people go. Truly fun people, not like Uncle Terry's fun.

Remember when he dressed up like a shut up? That's not what I mean. I mean, really fun people. Really fun. Like 100 miles an hour in their Porsche Cayenne, doing rails, screaming, smoking bots, laughing. Fun. Real fun.

Not your goofball. Shit. You people. That's where Uncle Jerry. He used to dress like Santa and one time you wore a bikini. Well, you shut up. The adults are talking about real fun. People have abandoned their families to have fun.

That's how much fun they were. They left their wife and children to go have fun. That's how much they were committed to fun. And those people, unfortunately, the window of time, they can be fun. Sadly, very short. But those people sitting in that modular home in South Carolina, they're better off for having talked to one of those psychopaths. Maybe.

I don't know. Probably not. But it was a way, it's a way for them to pass the day. No deal got done. Nobody took their house. I mean, nothing happened. It was just some wasted time, you know, some very, very, when you look back at what humor really is.

At the end of the day, humor is a way to waste time in the best way possible. It's really, that's what you do with it. You're wasting time, but it's the best way to waste time. And now I have to go here, get on a plane and get on a bus so I can continue to waste my life in the best way that I know how. TimDillonComedy.com for all live dates. Good luck.