The Tim Dillon Show - 171: 171 - Brownie Boat

Episode Date: October 27, 2019

Tim returns from Florida to record in a hotel in Burbank. He talks tracking down the brownie boat at Twistee Treat, the time he went to rehab, podcasting at Pervert Park, and then stick around after the second advertisement to hear a 30 minute bonus from Tim at Ben's house the following day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pots, and candy wrappers. Mmm, they all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Ladies and gentlemen, you were listening to the Tim Dillon Show. I have just returned to California from the sunny Southern Command Center. Rush Limbaugh used to go, Ladies and gentlemen, it is Open Line Friday from the Palm Beach, who would say, from sunny South Beach, Florida, the Southern Command Center of the EIB Network. It is L. Rush Moe, the Maharishi. He broadcasts from Palm Beach. I was just in St. Pete Beach, Florida, our greatest state, the crown jewel of America. Why is it so great? Is it the sunsets? Is it the elder abuse? Is it that every other building is a sober house? Is it the fact that the rehabilitation is a major industry? I don't know. It's all of those things and more. All of the New York Jews go down to the East Coast of Florida, which is like Palm Beach, Boca, that shit, Fort Lauderdale, Miami.

And then the West Coast, where I was, which is like Tampa, St. Petersburg, Clearwater, is the people from Canada and the Midwest. They were telling me that when I got down there. But there are some people from Long Island, New York, on the West Coast, too, but they are so prevalent on the East Coast that you feel like you're in New York. You feel like you hear the accents. You hear the complaining. You immediately are like, oh, I'm home. You hear people upset. I mean, the first day I got there, the gravitational pull of Florida is so much because when you get there, you spend time there and you go, I could live here. I could become this. It's something you become. You're not born that way. Maybe some people are, but you become a person that just is eating a conch fritter on the back deck at 3pm. You know, like I went out to lunch at Ocean Prime, which is a restaurant in Tampa. They have one in Beverly Hills, one in New York. It's a chain. I got out of there at 3 and my Uber driver picked me up and he goes, how was dinner? So that's where they're at. He goes, how was dinner? And then he proceeded to tell me about his wife. He was in the asphalt business. His wife defrauded him out of his company, wrote fake checks. The whole thing.

He's like, the DA said it was clear that she committed a crime. He goes, I didn't charge her. I didn't press charges because we've got two kids. He goes, her sister, you know, said the whole family's bipolar. He goes, I just didn't want to. So he goes, now I'm just trying to get in business with my younger son. I'm like, oh good, ruin his life. You want just your own flesh and blood. He's like, my younger son wants to go into business with me. So that's what Florida is like a great place to start over. What did Roger Stone say? It's a sunny place for shady people. You know, the dirty tricks guy, Roger Stone, you get the vibe when you're in Florida that there's a lot of people there that are running from something. There are people that have given up on whatever they tried to do and they've come down in Florida and they're doing a version of what they wanted to do. And there's something nice about that and everything's inexpensive relative to New York and LA and you start thinking like, man, I could get in this groove. I could really, I stayed at a hotel for one night called the Don Cesar, which everyone said, you got to stay at the Don. It's where Louis stayed.

It's on the beach, beautiful old hotel. The owner killed himself in it. Again, Florida. It was a VA hospital during World War II. A lot of people died there. I walk in immediately. There's an old couple complaining that the restaurant was closed for renovations. It's 153 a night. Beautiful resort. 153 a night. Right now, because I'm between apartments, I'm in, I don't even know what I'd call an inn in Burbank. And it's got nothing. I mean, it is bare, but it looks industrial like every door looks like it's a supply closet. This is fucking 220, 200. Because if I wanted to stay in West Hollywood, it's like 400, 500, 800. You go down to Florida, 150, you get a resort. And so I stayed one extra day. The crowds were fun. The people that came out to sides, players in Tampa. You know, my cousin went down to Florida about 10 years ago, and she did Florida right.

My cousin did Florida right. She's addicted to heroin. She's in and out of rehabilitations. She also will smoke cracks. She said to me, she said to me once in the chilies in Delray Beach, she goes, Timmy, I'm a real garbage head. Whatever they bring out, I do not discriminate. I'll take pills. I'll shoot up. I'll smoke meth. She's a lovely woman, but she's had problems. She's had issues. It's not mince words. There's been problems. Okay. I remembered Thanksgiving a few years ago. She was back up from Florida. She'll come, they bring her back to New York. It doesn't work because New York is like, New York almost makes me do heroin. So if you're on heroin, you don't come back to New York to like get off heroin. So she comes back. She falls in with a bad crew, her old crew, or a new crew.

It's amazing when you're doing those kinds of drugs, you just figure out who's going to get those drugs and how are you going to get it? And she was at Thanksgiving. And my other aunt, my aunt who's like a pill head and a drunk goes, let's do, let's go around the table and say we're thankful for, which is always a waste of everyone's time. No one's really, truly thankful for anything because no one will admit what they're thankful for. No one will admit the reality of what they're thankful. I'm thankful that I got away with the D way. Like no one says that. No one will go into the reality of what they're saying. Everybody's like, I'm thankful for the seasons. I'm thankful to be around family. You're not, you're not, no one is, no one is. It's, I'm thankful I didn't get caught cheating on my taxes. I'm thankful my wife didn't catch that 23-year-old blowing me in my office. I'm thankful my kid didn't shoot up the school this year with my parenting. He should have, but no one will be on it. That would be great if we all went around the table and were like, I'm thankful for this.

I'm thankful for that. You know? I mean, half of my family would be like, thank God I was born white and I could just be mediocre at everything. And not of the cops constantly beating the shit out of me, even though they should be. But so you, you, you set up a situation where you have your, everybody, when you go around that table, everyone's full of shit. And my cousin is at the table and she's, you know, she's tired. You know, you know what that means. I was an addict for years. I don't talk about her in a judgmental fashion. I get it. But she's tired. Well, you know, tired means that there's, there are problems. So we're going around the table and everybody's kind of nervous because they're going to get to her. I'm trying to think of something dumb and funny to say. I think I say it. I don't know.

I forget what I even said I was thankful for. I think I said my nanny made chocolate pudding. My nanny makes the best chocolate pudding. It's, I think it's two packages of mighty fine chocolate, one package of mighty fine vanilla, mix it up. You get the pudding skin, pudding has to have skin. And so I said, I'm thankful for nanny's pudding or whatever and everyone left. So we get to my other cousin and they're going, what are you thankful for? And she just like picks the head up and she goes, I'm sick. And everyone goes, okay. And they go right to the next guy. They're like, and what are you thankful for?

And I'm like, well, do you see that this wasn't the move? But she went down there and half of Delray Beach, Florida is a rehab. The other half of Delray Beach, Florida is a crack house. It's like there's a line down the town, half of them are rehabs, half of them are crack houses. And you just shimmy over to the crack houses when you feel like relapsing and then you go back to the rehabs in the sober houses. And these sober houses are big business. Rich kids that get fucked up, their parents pay to stash them somewhere where they will be watched. And the rehabs kick them out usually after 28 days.

So then they can't come home. The parents are like, we don't want to see them. That's how we got it. That's why they're doing drugs in the first place. It's because we're busy making $8 million a year at Goldman Sachs, not raising them. So we clearly don't know what to do with them. Put them somewhere and I'll open my wallet to make that happen. The Ridge wallet. So what then happens is you have these sober houses, these communities of people.

And then my roommate, his girl was a sober companion. Her job is to sit next to rich people on flights so that they don't order drinks. I'm not even kidding. This is an economy right now. Poor people can't afford this. If you're broke, and I'm going to talk about my rehab experience in a minute, but if you're broke, you either don't go to rehab or if you go, they kick you out as soon as your insurance is out and they go good fucking luck.

Go with God. Go to meetings. Go to AA. But if you're rich, you go to all these bullshit rehabs which barely work. Promises in Malibu. Look, you're riding a horse. You don't need to do, you don't need to take OxyContin. You're on a horse, Nicole Richie.

You're on a horse now. Well, then what happens when you're not on the horse? You go, well, I'm home now and I'm not on the horse. I think I'll take a pill. That's the problem. No one is fucking doing synthetic heroin because they have a lack of equestrian opportunity. That's not it. There's deeper issues you got to get to.

But these fraudulent, you know, programs that they have in these, you know, multi-million dollar institutions are just to distract you. That's what rich rehab is. It's like distract. We have beach yoga. It's beach yoga. Nobody needs to do drugs. We're going to do yoga at the beach.

And then we're going to talk about our feelings by the sunset. And then we have a five-star chef who's going to make you admit, and you're like your pampered and it's luxurious and they're giving you whatever drugs they can legally give you to get you off the other drugs and whatever. And then you go back and the week you're out of that, you're using again. You're at 1.0, or 10.0, or 15.0, whatever these fucking clubs are on the sunset strip. And you got your face full of a big cake of coke because you learn nothing. You didn't grow spiritually.

There's a whole lot of shit. But my cousin had gone down to a few of these places in Del Ray and she's put some clean time together and then she relapses and it's sad. It's a fucking, the disease is insidious. It's deadly. It doesn't let you out of its grasp. It's clutches. It's a lifelong fight.

And I 100% respect that she's trying. It's fucking hard. And I remember I went down there to perform at a rehab convention because I used to do a lot of rehab comedy. When I first started comedy, those were shows that I could do. I wasn't in any clubs. I wasn't really working on the road. So the idea, the road was rehab shows. I did one in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where I got one of the best hackles ever.

I said something about Jeffrey Dahmer and somebody in the audience yelled out, Dahmer ate my friend. That was one of the best hackles that I have ever had. It is the top five. Ten years of comedy. A lot of people have yelled shit out. That was the top five. I did a rehab convention, Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and then we did one in Pompano Beach, Florida. Flew into Fort Lauderdale.

Now, the guy that used to book these was a one-armed X Crackhead and Keith. He had one arm. The arm that he had, the fake arm, was so bad. It wasn't like it looked like a Halloween, like he got it at a Halloween store. It was like a prosthetic, but it wasn't good. It was literally plastic and it only had one, like he couldn't move any of it. It was like an arm that was always in the position of like him giving a speech as a coach. And he lost it smoking crack.

He was a Marine, but he never really saw combat. But he used to get on planes and asked to sit in first class because he said he fought for the country, which everyone kind of knew was a lie, like no one believed that. And that's also not the way planes work. You don't get to just sit in first class because you lost an arm for the country and also you didn't. Also, you're lying, which I always respected him for. I respected that he would lie like that and disgrace the idea that there were people that had lost limbs for the country who just sat and coached, kept their mouths shut.

But he lied because you're always an addict. Even if you're not doing drugs, you're always a fucking addict. Those behaviors, they percolate. They rise to the surface. They're there. They're there. And you used to see it when he would get mad. He'd be like, I can't fuck.

He turned around and he'd be like, I can't fucking believe this. He goes, there's seats open in first class. They won't let me sit there. And the woman's like, that's not it. You have to buy a first class ticket. He's like, well, I'm a veteran and I lost my arm for the country. And then she'd go, well, thank you for your service. And then you walk by, you know, but this is, this is who's booking the gigs.

Keith, just plain Keith. That's what he called himself. Just plain Keith. He had a joke. He used to do other people's jokes. There was this great guy, Mike DiStefano. He was one of the best comedians and he died. He's an amazing guy.

He used to do heroin. He had AIDS. He was like this tragic figure, but one of the best comedians. I think he won or got very, he didn't win, but he got very close. Last comic standing. And everybody loved him. He worked the seller. Everybody loved Mike DiStefano.

And he did this thing called Fanny's Last Ride at the Moth, which like makes you cry. It's like a great fucking story. He tells him, and he used to have this great joke. He would open. He'd go, go, hey, everybody. He'd go, I have to, you know, I go, he goes, I'll, I'll, I have 10 years clean and everybody would clap and then he'd go in eight years. So now Keith just does that joke and Keith's like, I do it to honor his memory.

I'm like, well, all right. I don't know how that works, but he's like, well, his brother said I could do it. I'm like, well, I also don't know if that's how that works, but whatever. Sitting first class, do the guy's joke. I mean, you know, you're booking me. Who am I at this point? And that's, he used to have this other guy, Scott Papakuri, who was this other comic who like had a big career, but then had drug issues and women issues and all these problems.

But we used to travel around occasionally to gigs and like wound socket Rhode Island. And I've talked about it before on the show. We ended up going down to a convention. I forget what it was. I was in Pompano Beach and my cousin and a few of her friends came to the show and the show was a disaster. I mean, I did really good, but it was a fucking rough cause it's a convention. No one really, sometimes they really love the comedy.

This show was like not set up well. Nobody was expecting it. They sprung it on everybody. It was in a conference room and I was just fighting for my life up there, but I was doing decently. I was doing okay. And I think the next day or maybe it was earlier that day, me and my cousin had lunch at Chili's and that's what she said to me.

She goes, I said, what is, you know, are you okay? What is it? She goes, Timmy, I love the family. I love everyone. I just love heroin. She said very honestly. She goes, I just really like doing heroin and it was just such a moment of honesty. And I was like, fuck, thank God I never did heroin because I bet that's kind of, you probably

just get to that point where you go, yeah, I like heroin. I'm in the heroin and he's like, it's such a fucking, but what's also interesting about that whole community is the people that were drug addicts, then they all run the rehabs. Ex-drug addicts run the rehabs. They run the sober houses. You'll be talking to somebody and they'll be like, yeah, I'm a drug counselor. It's like, what'd you do last year? They were like, oh, home invasions.

You're like, oh, okay. Just a bit of pretty quick, quick turnaround on that, huh? And then next year they might be doing home invasions again. You don't know, but they're in charge. Now, they're supposed to have a certain amount of clean time, but then you're going off everybody's honor, the honor system. I've been clean for however long you need me to say I've been clean for to get a paycheck. And then there's this thing called a K-SAC, which you're supposed to get certified and

helping people this, that and the other thing. But my cousin's been in a rehab a few times. They let her in for free once. They were like, she's been here a bunch. We're going to let her in for free. And it's hard because it's tough. Money doesn't solve the problem. Money, I mean, money makes it better.

It'll help. But it doesn't solve the issue of somebody who has maybe changed their body chemistry or their physiology. And they are now truly kind of a ticking time bomb. And they're like ready to get activated. And they might put some clean time behind them six months or a year. And then they just get activated like that. And then it's like, fuck, it's bad.

I remember when I went right in the beginning of comedy, I went to rehab. I had started comedy actually. I had started comedy in late 2010. And I was still taking pills. I was taking Percocet and things like that. And I was like, I want to go to rehab to just get this out of my system. It's not really good. And I was, I wasn't taking a lot.

I was taking like three or four a day. Okay. That's still a problem. That's the problem. Now I told like my dad and other people this and they were like, you're not really doing that much. I was like, well, you know, it's just kind of parenting that is, you know, why we're here. That's why I'm in this. They're like, I had no idea.

I think you're kind of okay. You seem fine. You're wearing a suit. You got a job. Is your job going to let you take off to go to rehab? I'm like, well, yeah, but I'm maybe going to die if I don't. So I should do that, right? Yeah, but you're not taking that much, right?

But it's progressive. I'll take more and more, right? I'm drinking. I'm doing all these other things. So I go to rehab. And when you go, and I went to the place called the Long Island Center for Recovery. And this is out in the Hampton Bay, which is not the nice part of the Hamptons. And the Long Island Center for Recovery, I remember as soon as I pulled up,

I took a train out there and then I took a cab. And I'm at the Long Island Center for Recovery. And I feel like shit, right? You don't, you don't feel, you're in rehab. You're like, my life has become unmanned. This is no good. Bad. This is bad.

So because I thought, I was like, well, if it come out of the closet and I start doing comedy, I'll be able to just use drugs and drink and it'll all be fine. And that's not the case. You make all those deals. You go, well, if I'm just honest, I can do drugs honestly. Can't we all just do drugs honestly together like human beings without these dark secrets? Let's, let's just, we'll be on the other side of all this. I'm living my dream.

I'm a comedian. It's going to be good. So what ended up happening, I go to Long Island Center for Recovery. I walk into the room. This is intake. Now intake in a rehab is there, they're basically seeing how fucked up you are, how, what they need to do, what they have to do legally, what insurance is going to pay for. That's the big one.

And then they put you in a room and they go, okay, here's the program, blah, blah, blah. So I show up, I sit down and the woman goes, are you drunk? I go, no. She goes, oh, you're not drunk. I go, no, I was going to rehab. I figured I wouldn't get drunk the night of. She goes, ah, it's a lot better for insurance if you're drunk. I, she goes, could you go out and get drunk and then come back?

I said, well, sure. I don't really know of any bar. She goes, well, let's try it first without you being drunk. She goes, if you blow, if you take a breathalyzer and you blow like high blood alcohol level, insurance is like, oh, we got to pay. Because the good insurance people, they're not going to take you a word. They'd like, they want you to prove that you're fucked up. So I'm there.

My insurance is not good. They're not going to like, let me in this place. Okay. And I can tell that because you see the look on her face start to change as the application's going through. And in the beginning she started, she was using the word we, she's like, we're going to help you out. We're a family with this, with that.

We have to be accountable. We have to do this. We have to do that. And then as the insurance was not going through, she changed the way to you. She's like, you're going to be fine. You're going to go out. You're going to change everything. You're going to do what needs to be done.

And I'm like, we were, we were, we were, we a few minutes ago. So she finally goes, okay, I finagled it. I got you eight days, eight days of a 28 day program. The good, the good people at my insurance were like, Hey, he'll learn it in a week. He'll get better in a week. We're going to give him a week instead of a month. That's fine for him. He'll be fine.

So eight days. All right, baby. You get in, you lit, you have a prison cot, three other dudes. One guy was named Ricky. One guy was named Alex. There was another guy I forgot his name, but that guy was telling me that there are no negative consequences of doing heroin, except the withdrawal and the fact that it's addictive. He's like, heroin's a great drug because it does nothing negative to your system, except

the fact that you get addicted to it. And I'm like, well, I don't know enough to argue with you, but that sounds highly suspect. But you seem very convinced. And then there was a guy who was like Portuguese who walked around in his underwear. He was an older guy. We didn't know. He like muttered to himself and would laugh occasionally, but we didn't know what his deal was. I think he was drawing out.

I think he was a drunk. I think so when you're in rehab, you bond with people incredibly quickly because it's a prison situation. You wake up early in the morning. Methods kick down your door. These ex-method bikers that ran the rehab. You got to go to an early morning meeting. You got to go have a shitty breakfast and you got to go do dishes because you're working whatever on the thing, you know?

And it's a rehab. So they're checking you for drugs. They're checking to see if you smuggled in drugs. They're, you know, you get pat down to get random searches. You get all that shit, you know? This one girl, this fat girl came in and she, she would keep, uh, she would keep packets of honey in the laces of her shoes and just take the honey out and just suck down the honey. And then it was interesting.

Somehow it had to do. It wasn't just honey. Like she had somehow smuggled Xanax in to her shoes too somehow. These people are very creative. Alex was a fun kid, um, from Brookville, wealthy part of Long Island, part where my grandfather used to live. Alex was like a bro, Jersey Shore guy, had a hot girlfriend, rich mom. He's dead now, killed, killed himself.

I mean, I don't know what, I think it was drugs. It was either drugs or he did himself in, but I think it was drugs. I think another one of those dudes is dead too. One of those guys, Ricky, invited me over his house a week after we got out of rehab and I sat down with him and his girlfriend. We watched Jeff Dunham special and they loved it. They were like, you got to see peanut. And I'm like, who's peanut?

And they go peanuts, my favorite one of his puppets. And I'm like, well, what is it? They go, he's just this thing. He's just this funny thing. And peanuts like a crazy, and his girl's like, it's like a crazy baby. Peanut's like a crazy baby. She said, and I said, okay, I was sitting there watching the Jeff Dunham with them going, is this better than heroin?

Like, is this, is this better than getting a pay by the hour motel and cutting up cocaine and blasting it till our mouse and numb? It can't be, right? That kid, I don't know if he made it through either. I mean, these people were all on Facebook. I mean, hopefully he's still alive. He was another one of those guys. He got out of rehab, but he was still like in the EDM scene.

And I was like, yeah, this is not going to, he's like, my passion is electronic music. I'm like, you got to get another passion. You got to switch. He's like, I'm going to be sober and it's going to take my music to the next level. I'm like, you got to, you can't know. That's like being a drunk and getting out of rehab and being like, my passion is bars. I'm never not going to be in a bar. I'm just going to be drinking seltzer.

It's not going to happen. There was one guy at a bar, he used to hang out at least as long as this guy, Mike, who I saw the other day just driving around in Long Island. It was crazy. So him and this other guy, George, this guy, George had like a deformed face. He inherited a bunch of money, not a bunch, but he got like 120 grand in a lawsuit. And then some hooker named Carol helped him spend all the money. It was crazy.

And then he went back to like living in his car. It was very wild. But Carol was kind of fun, but not worth, not that much fun. But so I saw those two just driving around in a car. And I'm like, I wonder if they're sober. Cause that guy Mike was trying to get sober. He came to the bar one day and he's like, I'm sober. And he was like drinking water.

He's like, I'm sober. I just love all of you. And I'm here sober. And I'm like, well, this is much worse. Don't you see that? Have a drink. God, you hear with all of us sober, like you got to change your life. When you sober up, you just got to change.

And that poor kid, that kid Ricky was just like, and then I visited him in jail. Actually. Now I remember that's the memories are coming back. He was in jail and his girls like, Hey, he's in jail in East Meadow, Long Island. Why don't you go visit him? And we, we, I went in and I visited him and I was like, Hey, how's it been? And he's like, well, you know, he's like, it's not fun here. And, but the thing we rehab is you, you're, you're old brothers and rehab for the week.

And then you get out, you never see each other again. Or it's a funeral or it's something horrible happened because it's like the recidivism rate with that shit is high. It's bad. People go back to go back to go back and I don't know where that other guy is, but there's a lot of people. I go back to old face. Sometimes I'll think of a kid from my town and be like, I wonder what happened to that guy? When do what happened to Chico? Where's Chico?

Then I'll just look at his Facebook. It's an in-memoriam page or it's not an in-memoriam page. Here's how you know they don't even make it an in-memoriam page. It'll just be like one whore who just posts on his page every day. She'll be like, you know, like, I'm going to do a Spanish accent here, but that's not meant to be. This is a white girl who thinks she's Spanish, but I'm imitating. It's significantly less funny if she's actually Spanish. She's like, she's probably like mostly white, but her name is like Lizette or something.

This is exactly my head. This is where I'm going with this. So like every day she'll post on his page like, it seems to be a lot of people. I mean, this is hard because now I'm doing Marisa, which is Yana's papa's character. But that's the only Spanish voice I know. But so it will be a bitch who posts on his page every day. She'll be like, you know, it seems like a lot of people forgot about you, but I'll never forget about you. A lot of people forget. It's like, well, yeah, they can't post every day on his page.

It's five years later. She's like, a lot of people forgot you, but I'll never forget you. And you can tell she was one chick that does this over and over again. And you go, oh, he's dead. Like that's how you know he's dead because it'll be that one chick that keeps posting. I love you. I remember when we used to chill. When we used to chill like with each other. I never forget that time at the park when I was 14 and you were 30 and you was fucking me on the stairs.

I don't listen to folks. I'm just, I'm not saying I'm just saying that's how you know these people have passed on. It's just one girl over and over again. I love you. I always be remembering you. Okay. Move on. But it's difficult.

I'm glad I got out of that because for a lot of people, that's a lifestyle rehab is a lifestyle. They talk about who they are. It's what they're about. They know the good rehab is the better. Supposedly after I left the rehab, then the bad, like bad people came into it. It wasn't as fun. Like we were all trying to get better. And then supposedly right after I left, a crop of people came in that had no interest in getting sober.

And a lot of them were just court ordered and they were just trying to sneak drugs in and it became an issue. And it became like not a fun spot. You know, we were actually trying to not be, you know, fucked up. That, and after I got out of there, I was kind of done. I was really done with drugs. I mean, that was kind of it. I'm trying to think, I think I tried to smoke pot a few more times after that. And I was like, I just can't do it.

But the fucking panic attacks. And then like, so that's what a lot of Florida is. Florida has a lot of people trying to put it back together and people that have no interest in putting it together. A lot of pay by the hour motels, a lot of prostitution in Tampa, a lot of strip clubs. Florida project is a great fucking movie. I'd like you to see that. You should watch it. It's fucking phenomenal.

It's about a place called the magic castle, not this Faggity thing in LA where these clowns jump around. These people. I'm a comedian animator. You shut up. I'm, I'm just, it's an experience for the audience. Yeah. I got an experience. It's called Steven Patek.

It's called the Patek. That's what I got for the audience. Okay. I got a couple of Saudi arms dealers and a nice patsy. I'm kidding. Shout out to Saudi Arabia. You know, I love you. I'm not, I am not, I am not insinuating that that was an arms deal gone wrong or that you, you know, cooperate with elements of our government to do the 9-11 thing or anything or that you have an underground alliance with Israel and Britain and the U.S.

Hey, hey, hey. I don't mean any of that. I'm being a goof. I'm being a big goof. I hope that doesn't hurt. I hope you'll bring me over there like fluffy. Didn't fluffy go over there and perform for like five brief, like five guys where they would be heading people. Did he really?

I think he did. It was like, it was like, it was like Mohammed, but it was like the, the, the, the, uh, I'm fucking so exhausted from this plane ride. I'm trying to think of their name. The Saudi royal family. What was it? The, the bin salmons. I think it's been so whatever it is. The Saudi royal family.

I think they brought fluffy over and they all sat there and thrones beheading people and be handing people. And he was like, I'm fluffy. I like milkshakes. I love that. That's the kind of American comedy they like. I like milkshakes. Is people getting their hands lobbed off? Is women being beaten with sticks outside?

And then he comes into the palace and he's like, you know, I like to put a cake in a shack. And they're like, they're like, this is good. They're like, this is just good. Shout out to fluffy too. This is not meant to disparage him. Fluff. Fluff.

Listen, you and me want to start, I will start doing shit with you anytime you want. You know, hire me. I know about the Hispanic experience in this country. Thank you. But that's, you know, what was I talking about before I said, Steve and Pat, I should kill my audience. You were talking about the magic castle and how. Yeah.

So this thing in the Florida project is about the magic castle, which is a, uh, it's a hotel. It's an extended stay hotel that people just live in. And it's a great fucking thing, man. And they cast this girl from Instagram, Brie of Vinitay or whatever, who's like real white trash. They, they didn't even, it was just like, they just put the camera on her and let her go.

Um, she was like a great actress, but it's like, was she acting? Um, and this little girl, Brooklyn Pierce, I think was in it. This little girl that was great. And I think they also just use people from the magic. They use people from the hotel and I think they barely paid them. So Hollywood. Hooray for Hollywood. They're still living.

They wouldn't like a movie. They're still living in the magic. So, but it's just that culture of. And, uh, they have a great ice cream place down there, twisty treats. And that's in the Florida project too. What if they have something called a brownie boat, which is great that I got because it's, it's a kid.

It's keto. They do. It's your sugar free ice cream, sugar free brownies. And then the next day I went back to the, a different one, a different twisty treat. And I was like, can I have another brownie boat? And this woman's haggard woman goes, Hey, she goes, we're privately owned.

We don't have the brownie boat. I'm like, what do you, what do you, what do you mean? That's like going into McDonald's. You go, I don't, we don't, we don't do the double cheeseburger. We don't do the McDouble. We don't do the Big Mac here. We're privately on. She goes, I don't know what the brownie boat is.

Nobody can explain him what the brownie boat is. I'm like, it's the, it's the banana boat with brownies. So we don't have that. I'm like, you know, she's like, we're owned by the same people at own. I forget some of the ice cream please. She's like, we're owned by the same people that own eddies. And she's got her method son and they're helping her like God, this is real Florida shit.

Did you try to get her to make it? They don't have the right kind of brownies. They have just a shitty little brownies. The bigger, fluffier brownies are at the other one. That twisty treat was great. There was just a, I said to the woman, what should I get? This is the first twisty treat. I was like, what, what should I get?

And she goes, um, she goes, get, get, get the brownie boat. And the guy in front of me got the brownie boat. Everybody's getting the boat. They liked the boat, Florida. Just give me the boat. Let's not waste our time with the cone. Let's not waste our time with the sun, the Sunday, the Sunday. What is it? Chicago?

No, this is Florida. Put it in the boat. Put it in the trough. A lot of mobile home. So I was, I was near pervert park. And that, did you ever see pervert park documentary? We never watched it. Pervert park is a documentary about a mobile home park

in St. Petersburg, Florida, which is all pedophiles. And it's like really, really bad. Like one lady, like, like abused your son. These, they're like abusing three year olds. He's very bad. But then there's like one kid that like was 17, he's trying to fuck a 14 year old. And like, of course it was like the FBI pretending to be

a 14 year old. Cause they were, they were, they were like not busy that day. You know, uh, letting terrorists do 9 11 or letting boss and marathon thing get bomb. So they were just like, well, we're sort of bored today. So, um, we're just going to pretend to be kids online. So this poor kid, I mean, obviously he's got problems too. I'm not whatever, but he's in there with like hardened people.

And now his life's over and he's living in this. So I was like, I call Ben, I'm like, should I do a podcast from there? And he's like, what? I thought you were spiraling, dude. I was so worried about you called me at like 12 30 in the morning. You were like, what if, what if it was me just yelling about twisty treat in the pedophile park? Just screaming like about the brownie boat.

And I go, and I go to the next one. And this bitch goes, we're privately owned. We don't have a brownie boat. She goes, I don't even know what a brownie boat is. I go, it's the banana boat with brownies. You dumb cunt. And it's just a bunch of pedophiles. We're all smoking cigarettes.

And I'm like, all right. So you guys fuck kids. That's fucked up. But, but just hypothetically, if you owned a twisty treat, you'd make the brownie boat, right? So I call my friend Michael who I love, but he's dumb. And he goes, yeah, you should do it. The documentary is really good.

It was good. You should do a podcast. And I'm like, well, no, because if you go in and you're, if you're too nice to them, people get mad at you. Like if you try to, I'm not a serious journalist. So like if I try to do anything that feels sympathetic to them, because they are a lot of people have done monstrous thing. I mean, you know, so if you're too sympathetic to them,

people are going to be like, you're too sympathetic. And if you're too much of a dick, it doesn't really work. I can't go there and like be a dick to them. You know what I mean? I can't be, you know. So then it feels like exploitive or whatever. I mean, but it would be probably an interesting podcast. If I went there and I just talked about twisty treat

and this bitch who fucked me over. I was like, yeah, you guys, you guys, you got fucked when you were young. And cause that's why they're all there is they got fucked and they got touched. I was like, you guys got a raw deal in life and I get it. You know, there's horrible thing, but I go, like I let them talk for a minute.

I let a woman go. She's like, you know, my father fuck me and it's just a disease and everything. And I go, yeah, that's bad. I go, let me ask you a question though. Have you ever had a brownie boat? She goes, yeah, the thing at twisty treat. I go, yeah.

Listen to this. I go to another twisty treat. This bitch says they don't have it and they're owned by the same people who own eddies. What the fuck does that have to do with it? What are the people that own eddies don't want? It's the biggest seller at twisty treat is the fucking brownie boat.

The taco also does one of the Chaco taco that they dip and make themselves. But the point is the boat is, you just see the, you see the pedophiles, like they're like, I leave the park and they're like, you know what? It's good that we're not at the outside world after deal with people like that. At least we can live in this little pervert park together.

We don't have to deal with people like that. It could be worse. We could have some fat guy from New York screaming about a brownie boat. As soon as she said, we don't have the brownie, but I went like this. She goes, we don't have it. She was wrong by the people on eddies.

I go, well, what does that have anything to do with it? To be honest, I don't even know what Eddie says. Eddie's was up the block. I should have went to Eddie's. Then she said, tell me the whole thing. She's like, this was the first twisty treat. I'm like, all the more reason it should have the fucking boat.

She goes, well, we got bought out by the guy who owns Eddie's and we're French and we're allowed to do whatever we want. We don't have the boat. I go, well, don't people ask for the boat every day? She goes, every day people ask for this boat. I go, well, why don't you fucking, why don't you fucking do it? Figure it out. Do it for the people.

This whole state is fucked. You got people running around fucking and sucking for heroin. You got pedophiles in the park. You got Ponzi real estate schemes. You got old people who can barely keep the food in their mouth. You got 90 degree with it. It's an Indian burial ground. It's a curse swamp down here.

All we are asking for is the fucking brownie boat, which is what twisty treat is known for. It's what it is known for that and the banana boat. She goes, well, I don't even understand what the brownie boat is. I go, I'll say it again. It is the banana boat with brownies. She goes, are there still bananas? I said, no, but if you wanted to leave the bananas in,

that wouldn't be a problem. And then I looked at her and went, also, do you know where the pedophile mobile home park is? She goes, I do not. I said, all right, well, then just make the banana boat. Fucking, I'm here on vacation. I want the pedophile park and the brownie boat. It's my vacation.

It's a great dock pervert park. It is, it is a difficult, it's difficult. It's a difficult dock to watch. It's very hard to watch. It's not exactly light. It's not fun. It ain't great. But it is instructive in the sense that you feel lucky.

You feel lucky. Like I'm lucky. I'm not a pedophile. I'm lucky I don't live in Florida. You know, I mean, there's ain't Palm Beach. I'm lucky that I was not fucked as a kid because I was hot as fuck and I should have been. I'm lucky that I was not fucked as a kid because I was hot as fuck

and I'm lucky that I get to use someone else's Netflix password. Not even have to pay for this. You feel lucky. I mean, it's a documentary. You just do it. It's a fucking dark. I mean, it's a dark fucking life. I mean, I don't know what to say.

You know, it's a very tough. You should call that twisted tree. They're closed. They're open till 11. I just call her once a day every day. Hey, it's Tim. You recognize my voice? Yes.

You have the boat yet? No. We're independent. What do you mean you're independent? Every twisty tree is shaped like a big ice cream cone. There is no independence. You're not doing your own thing. It is a big ice cream cone with a hole in it where a person pops out.

It is not. You don't put your own stamp on twisty tree. You're not like, well, we want to do lobster bisque here. No. You make the creations that people have come to depend on. You know, this is. But yeah, it was a good idea that I didn't do. I don't even know how I would have.

What would I have done? Walked into the park with my podcast equipment. Hey, are you a pedophile? Well, they all are. Every single one of them. Everyone in the park. I mean, what would I have done? I walk in and go, hey, is there a hierarchy here?

Can I get, I want like one of the, like, I want a big one. I don't want like, you know, did I knock that out? No, you're fine. So did you go see the Joker instead of getting the banana boat? I saw Joker in New York. Oh, okay. And it was really good. I enjoyed it.

I thought it was great. I love, I love the scene where he's talking to DeNiro and he shoots DeNiro. Because I love, it's really the only time I've watched late night television in the past three years. I was happy with the outcome where I went, yeah, it makes sense. And it's also so much less dark than comedy. Yeah. It's like, doesn't even get it.

It's like, not even close to have breakfast on the road with someone who's featuring for you. It's so much. Most people are so bad at comedy that if you were to explain to them how bad they are, they would start crying. Like they have no idea how bad they are. This is the issue. Most people are so utterly hopeless in comedy that there isn't anything.

You can't tell them to do anything. There is no, it would be like if I wanted to be a marathon runner and other marathon runners had to take me seriously and tell me that, yeah, well, you know, yeah, a lot of people just, you know, start running and, you know, you get to get the times up and you'd have to talk to me about training, you know, go, yeah, we train. You got to get in the ice bath, you know, knowing full well, knowing full well that the chances of me being a successful marathon runner are equal to the chances of me flying around the city.

You know what I mean? Like that's where it's at. So then you like meet comics on the road. And like these comics are good this weekend that I met this girl. Katie was really funny. I forgot her last name. Katie Hughes, maybe I don't know. She was really funny.

But then like it's like, but then it's like sometimes you'll meet comics where it's like they're so far from where they need to be. There is no, you can't tell them that. You go, you're so bad. You're so bad and you're old and you're not unique and you're boring and the audience hates you and you just bomb and there's nothing to do. There's nothing to do except realize that this is not at all something that you should pursue professionally, personally in any, you should not be on a stage.

Just cause no one can legally stop you from getting up there. Does it mean that you have the right to stand in front of people and waste their time? I mean, that's the reality of so many comics you meet on the road. It's just very tough. They're hack. They're not even hacked. Great. The great Kurt Metzger would say, you got to get good enough to be hack.

Right. Hack means just working with derivative shit. You're like out there with nothing. It's so bad. Like some of these people, they'll be like, I don't really know what to do. I'm trying to get some work here and then I go, wow. Guys, what's the point? I mean, literally, what's the point?

Do you realize the audience hated you? Do you realize that the five minutes you spoke to them was the worst five minutes of their day? Do you realize that? Were you there for that? Were you present? Are you present for your own life? Are you even casually observing your own life? Because if you, and I've met people that just, they get on stage, they go into the state,

don't even know what they are anymore. They think it's all going well. I'm like, no one laughed. There were polite chuckles because it was uncomfortable. People were like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. They just want you off. They want you off that stage and so quickly back to your fucking day job. They want you so far away from that.

It is fucking insane that you had the nerve to get on a stage and put these people through your delusion and your fucking insanity. That's what it is. You're putting someone else through your insanity right now, you know? You're not, it ain't going to happen. You're not meant to be on a stage. You're meant to be in the audience. The majority of people doing comedy now are just fans of comedy.

Yeah. That we're allowed to get on stage because no one tells you anymore. You suck. You're bad. No one tells anyone the truth anymore. Honesty is gone from public discourse. It's gone. Everything's gone.

Any gender can get their period. We're all comedians. My thoughts are just as important as yours. No, they're not, you dumb bitch. They're not. If they were, it would be obvious because people would be laughing. That's the goal. Then they all talk about their material.

They're like, you know, my material, my material. I feel like sometimes the room doesn't get. I said, the room that gets your material doesn't exist. It is a hospital room. The room for you to perform in is padded. Okay. Straight chat. These people need to be in straight chat.

And I have to sit there and kindly nod and go, yeah, you know, let's move to New York. I God, sir. Move to LA, whatever you want to do. Just get in there and, you know, keep writing. No, no, not keep writing. Keep writing and sign yourself into a mental institution. Don't write another joke.

Sign your name on an intake paper. Put yourself away. Fucking lunatics. It's a world where no one can be told honestly that they're fucking full of shit. How long has this been? We have five minutes left. Okay.

Hand me my phone. I want to read a quote from the great Andrew Collin who once got pulled over in a, who once got pulled over jet skiing in a manatee zone. He's a real Florida man. He was speeding in a manatee zone, the great Andrew Collin. And he summed up Florida really well. He's, when I first met him in New York, he's thinking later he was an opener, a very funny guy.

I used to talk about Long Island. He would talk about Florida. And so I said, we're both going to end up in Florida. Andrew, when he writes back, he goes Medicare fraud, Tom Petty, horse fucking, two different face eating stories, fake tits, nice muscles, fried gator, surfing, wakeboarding, punching old people. Throwing old people downstairs, steal money from a dying old person. It has it all.

It really does. All our best people, Casey Anthony, Terry Shiveau, remember that vegetable that our husband fought to wheel around. Can you imagine that? What a fucking horseshit world we live in. Remember that? It's poor woman wanted to die. He's like, no, I'll wheel around like a vegetable.

We'll talk about Jesus for three years. Remember that Terry Shiveau? That was a height of Fox News insanity. Whenever I was like, don't let Tara die. Terry will be, she'll be kept alive like fucking weekend at Bernie's. She's, she's still here. I mean, I'm telling you this. I have a DNR.

I have a DNR. I have a DNR where I don't even have to be near death for them to let me die. I have a DNR if Chelsea Handler gets another deal at Netflix. I'm not to be resuscitated if Chelsea Handler gets a deal at Netflix. I'm to be, I'm to be taken out and killed. That's my DNR. Well, she will. Can you imagine the next time?

You know what I mean? Hello privileges meet Chelsea. What's the next time? She's like, she's just walking around the Gaza Strip. Sorry about this. I didn't realize as a Jewish person that we actually did some fucked up shit. Sorry about this. This is two year old pasta naked with no arms.

She's like, I'm sorry. I'm a big celebrity in America. And I realized that when I did a bunch of jokes calling you people rats, I realized that was not the move. Would you like to come to my house in Bel Air while I talk about this? Hello privilege. Hello Gaza. It's me, Chelsea.

If she does. Hello Gaza. It's me, Chelsea. I will like her again. That is what I will like her again. If she has the wherewithal to just walk around the Gaza Strip and I would be like, this bitch is crazy. She should go to every, she should apologize for everything America's ever,

ever done. Tuskegee Airmen. Hey Tuskegee. It's me, Chelsea. Hey MK ultra. It's me, Chelsea. I had no idea that there were people getting acid without their knowledge. I've always, I love acid, but I know what I'm taking it next.

It's Hey MK. It's me, Chelsea. She just goes and apologizes for everything that's ever been done. Great. You know, folks. You've never been to Florida. Once. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a vibe down there, man. It's a fucking vibe. There's some other rooms down there. There's a butt. There's like off the hook comedy club in Marco Island, which I think is like a red lobster with a stage. The Miami improv is like a big guy.

I'd like to go back there. I'd like to go back to Florida sometime. In the winter, not Tampa, but another part of it. Because it's nice to get out of the cold, even though I'm. What do you think that is? You think it's a noise complaint, Benjamin? I wonder. I bet it is.

Oh, the funds. I bet it is. Hello. Hi. Oh, there's loud talking. I apologize. Okay. Thank you.

There's a. Okay. The people at the coast hotel here. Are unhappy with this Benjamin because there's loud talking. So a lot of the pieces of shit. In this hotel, I should have said, what do they have to sleep for? What do they have to sleep for? They're just going to wake up the next morning and.

Go fucking chug some nuts. There's loud talking. What if people wanted to have sex in the room? Or watch TV. We're not louder than a TV. I'm probably on. The TV probably doesn't work. It's probably that's the one reason.

Well, half this place is under construction too. So it's like. It's an interesting aesthetic here. It couldn't be less. It couldn't be more drab. Yeah. It feels like a double wide that they hunt curtains in. 100%.

But it's also like. I can't really. Spend bananas money on hotels and I'm like, I can't. I can't spend so much money. You look at like the three day total. Of hotels or a lot of money. You're like, I can't. You're like, I can't do this.

The amount of money is so absurd to stay in Los Angeles. And New York too. It's like fucking. But then you leave those places. And you can like stay in a palace for no money. Pretty, you know. Not everywhere. There's some places like I was looking at rooms in Indianapolis.

They were more than I thought. I was like, Indianapolis. What? Omaha though. The rooms look kind of cheap in Omaha. Omaha. I'm going to call. That dude tomorrow.

Ask him. We're trying to do an epic podcast in Omaha. About the Franklin scandal where we get some people to talk. Maybe haven't talked before. Anonymously or whatever. We might go and visit Noreen. Gosh, who lives in Des Moines a few hours from Omaha. I got to talk to Nick Brian tomorrow.

We wrote the Franklin scandal. Maybe sometime in November or December. We'll have to see. When. Yeah, but it could be an interesting. It could be very interesting to get some people. To talk that haven't talked. I don't know that they would.

But. We'll see. You know, it wouldn't be funny if we got them to talk to like, it actually is fake. We're like, what? They're like, the whole thing is we made it up. Me and a bunch of kids, we made it up. We're like, wait a minute. What?

Like, yeah, the politicians are going to ban smoking. We said, we're going to just call them all Satanists and pedophiles. Like, wait a minute. So none of it was true. They're like, not even a little. Like, wait, what? That's crazy. I mean, I think that.

I think that could be an epic. And spooky podcast. It'd be like spooky. And you, you know, you would do it and you'd be like, yeah, you know. Being in a room like this, somebody would come in, they would say something horrific and heinous, like really, really fucked up. You know what I mean? Like they would, they would tell you something that was done to them or you'd be like, this

is fucked up. And I would look at them and I go, have you ever been a twisty treat? Because I went and then I had the banana, the brownie boat and then the next day I go and they, those bitches like we're independently owned. We're all by the same people that own eighties. And I'm like, what does that have to do with the presidency in China? Oh, wait, hold on. I keep going.

Yeah. In case you were chained in the radiator and beaten. The whole point of a franchise is to have a few items that are consistent. Goodbye, folks. Good night and good luck. Harvey Weinstein showed up to a comedy show in New York City over the last few days. I think it was last night or two nights ago. This actors group, like maybe a networking group of actors in New York had an event and

the woman who owned the, or ran the group thought it would be a good idea to invite Harv. I mean, who better than to tell these actors what they need to do? Who better to offer advice and counsel? Who better than to shepherd the careers of young, vulnerable, impressionable actors than the legend himself, Harvey Weinstein seems like a good idea. Doesn't it? Does it seem like a good idea that it's amazing that no one vetoed that, that nobody said,

you know, I got to be honest. I know he's made some good movies, but I don't think it's the best idea. To have him sit in the audience at a comedy show during this actors event. It may seem in bad taste if we have a man that's been accused by 87 women of rape. Many of them were actors. It might be in bad taste to have him sit in the front row of the show with his big grin. And he was called out by this comedian. I think her name was Kelly Bachman.

And she got maybe 75, 80,000 Twitter followers overnight. And I believe her clip is where is it? Benjamin, it's up at five million. Something like that. I'm going to check right now. She had about five million views on the clip of her calling out Harvey Weinstein. 4.8 million right now. 4.8 million on the clip.

How many followers she got? 77.3. 77.3. Go follow me on Twitter folks, Tim J. Dillon. Because, you know, I respect her. I told people to follow her, but like now it's getting out of hand quite quickly, you know? What would I have done? You know, she called out Harvey, talked about her own experience.

Go watch the clip. It's a funny clip. I respect that. A lot of comics didn't say anything because comics are pussies. And, you know, they were probably still thinking they're like, you know, Harvey's probably coming back. Harvey will be back. I don't want to run my mouth. What would I have done?

Great question. I racked my brain. Let's be honest. Harvey would probably enjoy my act. Not because my act is pro-rate, because he's a human being with blood in his veins. And those people like what I do. They enjoy what I do. I'm good at it.

Harvey would have laughed. What if I had seen that? What if I had been crushing with Harvey? What if Harvey had been laughing, belly laughing? So hard. What if you'd whispered to somebody at his table, this guy's a fucking genius. What if I saw him mouth the words, this guy is a fucking genius. I wish I still had the power to make him a star.

What if I heard that? What if I saw that? Would I have taken my time to berate him from the stage? What if I was really slaying, slaying the room? And nobody laughing harder than Harvey Weinstein. Nobody. Imagine maybe three years ago, Harvey Weinstein showing up to a show and you're just killing. Say, hey, Harv, because when did this break?

This didn't break. This is, this is, I think the Weinstein news broke in 2017, 2018, but it's not that long ago. Yeah. I think like a month before Louie. Right. I don't think, I mean, so if you went back a few years ago, which is not that long and Harvey Weinstein was in the audience at a comedy show, you'd be like, whoa, tonight's the night. Tonight's my night and it was still her night. This was still a big night for her.

Here's, here's, you want to know what we really draw from this event. Harvey is still making fucking stars. He is still making stars. And don't think he doesn't know it. Don't think he doesn't know it. He just launched a woman. Open my girl. Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe she was doing some other shows. I don't know. I don't see her out on the road. I don't know what else she's doing. Maybe she's a writer. I'm not trying to denigrate her. She's probably, she's probably very funny. She was, she, she handled that situation very well.

It's very adept. She was good. The things she said were very funny, but she was obscure. And Harvey made her a star. Maybe the last woman, she might even say in an interview on the last woman, Harvey Weinstein made a star, right? Very interesting folks. Isn't it fun how the world works?

It's wild. That's just how my mind works. Cause I say Harvey's still out there making stars. Just being in the same room with Harvey Weinstein, change your life. And it did overnight. You know, what would I have done? It's a great question. It's a great question.

Would I have recognized them probably? When I got on stage, I saw Harvey Weinstein there. I would have definitely addressed it. And I would not have been deferential to Harvey Weinstein. I would have tried to be very funny though, but I would have called him a rapist. I mean, I say that Ellen's in the CIA. I say wild things that are true, but I, I have no problem talking shit. But I think it's good that it came from a woman and a rape survivor.

I believe that. I think that was more the move. You know, I might have went the angle and said, God, Harvey Weinstein, how bad is your life now? You're in a fucking comedy show with a bunch of nobodies. Shouldn't have raped all those people, huh? You know, so I think, I think it was probably best. Well, it's amazing.

There were dudes in the back going, shut up when she referenced it. Who the fuck today? Shut up. You know, it's, you really think Hannah Gatsby has a point. Maybe Nanette, maybe she's right. Yo, shut up. Don't say nothing about Harvey. What kind of goons.

This is a guy that had the massage ex-massage and son is payroll intimidating women. You know, and they can't get him on anything, huh? Nobody could get him and can't put him in jail. Got all these people can't get him on anything. You heard those tapes. The tapes are kind of horrific where, you know, he's just trying to get into this woman's room and she's like, no, no, don't come in. He's like, let me in, let me in.

You know, he got off on, on torturing and terrorizing people. I mean, that's clear, you know, no matter what you think about, you know, no matter what you think about, you know, due process and whatever and all your, you know, people, because that's his defense, you know, well, it's the court of public opinion. It's like, yeah, but the preponderance of evidence is high. There's a lot, including your own words and actions, not good. Um,

Lewis Gomez tweeted something funny. He goes, Harvey Weinstein in the audience is gang fest. Of course not. He would have been in the green room. Very funny. Every now and then Lewis is very, very funny. It's not often, but every now and then he's verified. Ben, you got to shut those dogs out.

Okay. I mean, this is you live in a neighborhood. I mean, you ban has two useless dogs and they'll be useless children. Eventually, but him and his chick have these two dogs and dogs are, they practice on, like you practice on dogs and I look at some people with dogs that can't behave and I'll make, man, their kids are going to suck. The kids are going to be disrespectful. And I got to be honest with you.

It's not a good omen that these dogs are just poorly behaved. And, you know, and I mean, you realize that this is like, you're going to have, you and her, whatever the hell you're doing, you're going to have to get better when you have children because dogs are, this is like a rehearsal for children. And if these dogs were children, they would be like running around, you know, going crazy. Yeah.

So, I mean, I look at people's dogs and I go, Oh, you're going to have children and then these children are going to be, a problem. You know, so hopefully you two figure it out between now and then. It's fucking kids. What to rub my train of thought. Yeah. No, Lewis can be very, very funny and chooses a lot of times just,

you know, fight getting fights and troll people, but he can actually be very funny. And that's, I think people, I don't think people realize. Um, but. I was trying to do, we're trying to go down to Omaha, Nebraska and do an episode of the show about the Franklin scandal. And it's not going to happen for a million reasons because I'm not a

journalist and I don't have the resources. And then the people that are journalists, uh, you know, you know, people are very protective of their own stories and their own scoops. And they want to quote unquote, own that info. Even though it's somewhat public record.

So the sole idea of like, when people tell me they're like, Oh, you should do more conspiracy stuff on the show or you should do more, you know, deep dives and investigations and stuff. It's kind of like, well, I don't, that's not my job. I'm a comedian. What I will do is I will showcase the work of other people. I find credible, but they have to be kind of willing to do that. They have to be,

and if they have other projects that they feel like will be jeopardized, if they do that, I completely understand them not wanting to do it. They've put their lives, a lot of people with this conspiracy is not just the Franklin scandal. It's a lot of different things. People dedicate their lives to this shit and they want to get a payday. They want to expose people.

They want to, but they also want to make a little money because they've put themselves at a professional and personal risk to do the reporting that they've done. And now they want a payday, you know, so they come to LA and Hollywood and they get all these holding deals. Oh, we're going to make a movie and this and that. And you know, they blow smoke up your ass and tell you, everything's going to be great.

Now you're going to do this and that's going to be worldwide phenomenon. You're going to be the guy that broke the thing and the movie is going to make everybody care. Cause by the way, that's America. The goal now is never congressional investigation or anything. It's a movie. The goal is the only way to get the American public to care about anything is to have like a, like a movie or a Netflix series that gets a lot of attention. Like that would be it.

You know, if you wanted to wake people up about anything, you'd have to like put it in a Marvel film. You'd have to sneak it into a Marvel film to get people interested in it. I mean, so I think a lot of people in the, in the conspiracy space, imagine that eventually they're going to get a documentary user. Then those documentaries are going to be features. And then those features going to wake people up and then cause JFK did it to an extent, you know, JFK people started to get interested in that.

There was then pressure and they released some records. Again, what did that all add up to? You tell me, but it certainly, it certainly opened the window, open the door to more of a legitimate inquiry into that event. So that can happen. And I think that can happen. Usually what happens is it's usually 50 years after the event happened, when everybody's dead, that people start figuring out what happened or that there's

even like some idea of, you know, JFK was assassinated, I think in 1963. And JFK, the movie came out in the nineties. It's about 30 years later. I think in the nineties, JFK came out, get JFK up. It was a good movie. 1991. Yes, 1991. But 30 years later, you know, maybe there will be a movie made about the Franklin scandal.

There'll be a movie made sooner about Jeffrey Epstein because he's dead. So boom, you can, you can, you know, that'll come out next year. They'll do a Jeffrey Epstein movie. It'll be a year or two from now, maybe not even. It'll be a movie about a guy with a secret island and all these rich and powerful people, but it won't hint to you. You'll never get really close to what was going on. And I don't believe they'll, you know, portray any real politicians in it.

And one wonders if they'll even suggest that these people are at the top of the political, you know, system in their countries. There might just be guys in suits walking around an island that you know are rich and powerful, but like, are they going to, or it would the movie be like this guy's the leader of a country? Because that, that I think would change, you know, if they did a movie and they wanted to make it an accurate depiction, you would have to have leaders of countries going to this island. I think they'll actually just have, you know, people that have nice watches on and will have to, you know, deduct that they're rich, powerful, but it's not going to be like, you know, it's not going to be a direct, you know, and we'll see.

I could be wrong. So the problem with doing the Franklin scandal episode in Omaha is because I don't have, I'm not getting anyone to talk. Nobody's going to talk to me. I, you know, nobody's people who Google me, they say I've dressed up like Megan McCain. I also don't know how to judge the veracity of what other people are saying. I don't, I mean, I can't cross check things. This is not my job. This is not what I do. I have great respect for the people who do it. But those people need to need to facilitate this.

And, you know, maybe they will in the future and we'll do it in the future. But I think when people are like, you should do more, you're selling out because you won't do the conspiracy. It's like number one conspiracy is a mainstream dummies. They're trying to make movies about all this shit. People are so dumb. You guys are also fucking behind, you know? And, you know, you can't even grasp the fucking, can you bring the men please? You know, people like all this baggage around. It's like an excuse, you know? Oh, the dog, we have the dog, we have the dog.

Take the love that you give to the dogs and give it to something that's going to matter like a business, like children. Enough with the fucking animals. Don't edit this part out. Enough with the fucking animals, folks. It's, it's sick. It's really sick. It's like instead of getting going to a doctor and figuring out why you're so fucked up in the head, you just hug this warm bowl of fur. Enough with this, folks. Get a clue, get a handle on your fucking life, okay? Enough. These animals don't even want to fucking live with you, half of them. Half of them are bread. They're Dr. Moreau animals that they crossbreed

and they make these little freak things that don't even know why they're alive. They can barely breathe half these things and they just sit on a pillow with you and watch your water postmates. It's not what they want. They don't even know why they're on the fucking planet, you know? And it's every loser has nine dogs and can't do anything because of the dogs. That's every loser's story. I kill my dog, this needs me. I can't go and do anything in the world. My dog, he needs me. Your dog doesn't even want to be near you. Your dog doesn't even know why it's living in your basement. So get rid of the fucking animals until you have an actual life where you can have,

bring other living things into your life and take care of them, okay? It's a disgusting fetish that I'm sick of. I'm truly sick of these dirty people with their filthy homes and the disgusting dogs. My friend just got a dog. He's like, it's so nice to have a dog. I'm not drinking, going out, doing blow because I have a dog now. What? What? You stopped doing drugs because you got a dog? Well, there's a problem. Fix the problem.

I'm sure the dog loves that. Being the only thing that stands between you and a coke binge. It's really, so what I was saying about the conspiracy stuff is that it gets a lot tougher when there's egos involved. All of these guys have egos. Everybody's written a book as an ego. Everybody's been part of a documentary as an ego. Everybody wants to own their turf. They want to own the story. They want it to be done a certain way.

Then they get financial backers to make these things into movies or bigger documentaries. And then those people want exclusivity and it's the whole thing. So it's actually a lot tougher than you would imagine. The smiley face killer is, for example, this is just an example. I want to tell you people this because not all of my fans, but some of my fans are literally their brain dead. They don't have blood or oxygen running into their brain and they're somehow alive. It's a medical miracle. It's a literal medical miracle. Some of the people that messaged me.

I wanted to do a follow-up on the smiley face killers episode. If you don't recall that, it's a really interesting one. Join the Patreon. Check it out. The smiley face killers was supposedly this gang of serial killers traveling around the country or they have cells in different cities and they're killing young, good-looking, college-educated males and throwing them in a river. This is what was alleged. There was a show on it that Oxygen Networked in. It was a bad show.

It diminished the credibility of what I tried to do pretty severely, to be honest, because it was shot like a reality show. But again, everybody's got their hand out and these people just want to, yeah, we're going to put you on TV. That's totally fine. I understand that. I totally get it. I know that TV has an allure, new media, whatever. I had a guy that claimed to be a potential victim of the smiley face. I found him credible. I believed him.

It was completely happenstance that I ran into him in Wisconsin, which is a hotbed of this activity. His story was checked out. It was very interesting. I had him on the show. It was one of our most successful episodes. I emailed these three goofballs that have been touting this theory for 20 years. One of them is this guy. I forget his name. He's been accused of sexual assault. There's another one. I think he went to some college campus and he was like, hey, you know anything about this smiley face killer?

Why don't you put your smiley face on my cock? He took his dick out. There's this guy, Kevin Gannon, right? Is that his name? Kevin Gannon? Yeah. He likes to take his cock out in the middle of the investigation. So that goofball. And then this other guy, Lee Gilbertson, who's just some professor at St. Cloud. By the way, these three losers are probably killing these kids to get a show on Oxygen Network.

And then some other Italian goon from Long Island or Jersey or my neck of the woods. I'm sure there's a nice guy. A cop used to listen to my friend Michelle and she said these were nice guys, but they were kind of whatever. She's like, yeah, they're real New York guys. Everybody's got a million stories and what's true and what's not. And they got a million ideas and opinions, but they're probably not the most careful people that have ever lived.

Now, by the way, I totally believe something's wrong with the smiley face killer. Like, I believe something's going on with the drownings and stuff. I believe that there's certainly something that's going on 100%. A lot of these make no sense. It's in the dead of winter. These kids end up two miles from the bar, the party that they were in. Nobody and people like, well, when people are drunk, they like to be by the water. It's like, yeah, in July, not in February.

Nobody is walking two miles in February by the icy river to get home. I mean, it's just not rational, right? So I don't discredit this theory, but the people that came up with it, you know, these are, you know, people who they don't read the most credible. Okay. You know, they do this reality short oxygen, which I get it. They want to get the, you know, they want to get their story out there, you know, to overweight housewives, you know, so they could talk about it

while they at Weight Watchers meetings. I saw something there on oxygen. They were about young boys getting killed. How many points does a bathtub of lasagna have? Is that, how many points is that a tub of lasagna? Like a bathtub portion. So I emailed Lee Gilbertson, this one of these guys who helped originate this theory, who works at like St. Cloud, Minnesota, whatever.

I email him, I go, hi, my name is Tim Dillon. I'm a comedian. I did a hugely popular episode on the show. I'd reached out to you before. You had told me that you were waiting to see what oxygen network was going to do. If they were going to renew you, and then, you know, obviously there's, you know, they might have a say in what press you do. But I was following up with you because I didn't see you on the schedule

for next season of oxygen, which I, they're probably not, you know, because you can't beat this thing forever. You know, these people have been doing it for 20 years. They've been dragging these parents along for 20 years, and there's been no convictions, no nothing, no arrests. They've got a few cases reclassified as homicides, or maybe one case. One case, which I think is good. So email, I'll read you this guy's email back to me,

because I just want to show you this is the reality of what you're dealing with here. I'll read it back to you guys right now, word for word. I'll read you my email and then his email, and you can see, you know, where it is. I was like, hey, hey, just circling back with you, Lee, my podcast episode on the Smiley Face Killers was very well received. We got somewhere between 150 and 200,000 downloads on the episode. I had reached out earlier about a potential interview. I know that you guys are waiting to hear back from Oxygen,

just circling back to see if you have any more information about potentially another season and if you would be available to do an episode of the show. Okay? He comes back to me because, Tim, thank you for the invite and offer to present the story of the young men to a border audience, not broader, border audience. Again, I'm not going to, I'm not going to shit on them for fucking typos, you know, but sometimes a typo will just give you a little bit of an idea.

We have discussed this amongst our team, the team, the team. Given the gravity of this topic, a comedy venue slash genre does not seem appropriate. Were you to have another outlet, then we could perhaps accommodate your request. Again, thanks for extending the opportunity. Again, so I've not responded. I think I'm going to respond and go ahead and cover a lot of serious topics on the show. We handled them responsibly.

I've had XCI agents on the show. I've had best-selling authors on the show. And I've had people that have said that my interviews, I mean, Ray did with them were better than interviews that they, that were done with them at ABC or CBS or NBC. Mark Galliotti said that he wrote the book, The Vory, the inside story of the Russian mafia. He was like, these two comedians did a great job interviewing me. I don't think that'll change his opinion, by the way, of whether he wants to come on.

I'll fill him in on those indisputable facts. I don't think that'll change his opinion because these people are waiting for, I'm telling you, they're all waiting for the movie deal. I'm telling you, they're all waiting for the next season of the TV show. So don't come to me and go, you don't do conspiracies because you're selling that. Listen, buddy, there's layers to this shit that you fucking don't know about because you're sitting on your couch fucking and you have no clue and you don't know any of these people.

You don't talk to any of them. These people all want to payday. It's completely rational. I'm not hating on them. Why would they do this if there was no benefit? Okay, there needs to be some benefit. Do they also want to help people and get justice? Yeah, sure.

Of course they do. They wouldn't have spent years on this without that being a thing. But they also want this to be seen by the broadest audience possible. So they're not necessarily convinced that I can deliver that to them. Or they're not convinced that they don't want to muck up their ability to down the line, get a bigger deal somewhere from some outlet that is going to provide them with one. So that is a problem that you run into often with a lot of these people.

Not all of them, but a lot of them, especially when there's something salacious. Smiley Face Killers could be a great fucking movie. I'd go see it. You know? That's the problem here. You know, like Edward Snowden's on Rogan, poor guys living in Moscow, he's on a run. What would I have done if I was Edward Snowden?

I probably would have just went to Chili's, to be honest. Because I don't truly have faith in the people of the country. They don't care that they're being surveilled. We've talked about it before. I've talked to people that are like, so what am I doing? I don't care that they're watching me. You can watch me eat pizzas or the food. Who cares?

Call my ex-girlfriend a whore? They don't understand that having everything you've ever said or done being stored in a bank, waiting to be weaponized against you by tyrannical governments, not the thing. They don't get it. Good for you, Ed Snowden. Some people probably get it. Hopefully it changes history. It's certainly your historical figure.

And you got a lot more faith in these fuckers than I do. I would have went to Chili's. I would have brought five of my friends to a Chili's from Long Island and sat them down and explained everything that I had found and saw and I would have looked at them and I would have explained that I'm like, guys, everything. Guys, I would have sat them down. I would have looked at my friend Ryan and said, Ryan,

every single thing you've ever typed into a Google search bar, everything you've said on a phone, everything you've texted to somebody, everything you've looked up, it's all being saved in a database and the government gets to just do whatever they want with it. I would tell all my friends, you know, and you know what their response would be. They'd be like, yo, I ordered the burger medium rare. It's not rare. It's fucking, it's like brown.

It's like a fucking piece of meat on the fucking floor. I paid money for this. What the fuck? Yo, these egg rolls are good. The Southwestern egg rolls. And then I would have said to myself, wow, so if I go forward with this information, I'm going to be put in jail and I'll have to probably live in Moscow. I just want to silently ate the egg roll, looked at all my friends,

went home and went to bed and went, you know what, what are we saving? What are we really, truly saving? I'm not against Snowden doing it. I'm just thinking about my own, you know, going back to Harvey Weinstein. Yeah, I would have said something to him, but what if, what if Harvey just got it? What if he laughed at all the new stuff? What if he laughed at all my new material? What if he pulled me aside after the show and said, listen, I got an idea for you.

Sure, it's easy to say that I would be repulsed by him and I would because he's a rapist. But man, I've done a lot of rooms where good people just didn't get it. They stared at you. What if Harvey was howling, cackling, hitting the table, hooting and hollering, connecting with my material in a way that maybe nobody ever had, a way that made it all worth it, the shitty planes and the shitty clubs and the shitty hotels and the bar shows and the lack of friends and family and the loneliness. What if I looked at him and he got it, he understood what I was doing up there.

We were on the same fucking frequency. What would I have done? Would I like Edward Snowden? Would I have blown the whistle? Or would I have eaten the Southwestern Egg Roll? I don't know and I never will.