The Tim Dillon Show - 172: 172 - Long Island Wedding

Episode Date: November 3, 2019

Live from the deck of the Safari Inn in Burbank, CA. Tim proposes comedy journalists should let him ghost write articles for them, and talks his high school Halloween shenanigans, getting stopped around LA trying to shoot the Epstein temple video, and what the perfect Long Island wedding would be. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pots, and candy wrappers. They all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. All right, we're in folks here at the Safari Inn. It is Halloween night. Burbank, California, just saw a maid talking to two other people staying at the inn, and they were like, listen, this woman opened the door, she goes, listen, you gotta clean this whole room when we leave. We're both very sick, which means that they're all fucking junked up in there. They're vomiting all over the room, and then this poor maid is gonna have to walk in

and deal with this shit when these people drag their carcasses out of this place, and you know that's gonna be a late checkout. You know they're not rolling their asses down 11 a.m. or noon. Somebody's gonna be banging on the door at 12.45. Probably the cops. We released the video today where I played the Epstein's Temple. It's got about 110,000 views on Twitter in about five hours, which is really nothing. And I fault the majority of you for not retweeting it because what the fuck are you doing? Set up an account and retweet it. The shit that we make is great. It's very funny, and it's hard to make. And then you see what gets 9 million views, and it's like, you know, a gang fight in a McDonald's,

which is good, and I do enjoy those, but you know, I'm not asking for 10 million views. I'm saying smash the retweet button on the fucking Epstein Temple video. I spent money on that costume. Ben followed me around LA. I dressed like the fucking temple from Pedophile Island. Okay. Everybody told us we couldn't film. Even Flapper's Comedy Club, which by the way, if you're ever in Burbank and you're in need of water to survive, I would never walk into Flapper's Comedy Club for any reason, but certainly not during the, what is it called? Flappy Hour. Yeah. Not during Flappy Hour, which is the open mic they have there. What is it? Daily, Ben? I think so. Yeah. Every day they have an open mic for divorced dads and assorted psychopaths

in Los Angeles County that make their way into Flapper's for Flappy Hour. Okay. And then they instructed us that we weren't allowed to film there. Ben's filming me. I paid fucking $10 for a Red Bull. I don't even drink Red Bull. A friend of mine was with me, and $3 for a fucking water, three and change. So of course you leave the five. So $15 to perform for seven people at Flappy Hour. And then this woman walks out and says to Ben, oh, you can't film. I don't even own my own set after $15 and having to sit in a room with a stench of delusional psychopaths. Comedy for these people is like, it's not even, it doesn't even, it's not even a hobby. Put it that way. It's not even a hobby they put any work into. It's something that was like court ordered for a lot of the people at Flappy Hour.

They said, hey, instead of shoving your wife, how about you go and get some of that energy out of the open mic? Yeah, instead of pushing your wife in a stairwell, how about you go and tell a few jokes, work out your anger that way. Fucking psychopath in that place. I remember I performed there one time and I ordered, what did I order? Do you remember what I ordered? The hummus. Yeah, I ordered like hummus. Yeah. I ordered it like an hour before I got up on stage, which they couldn't figure out how to put the hummus in the fucking,

I imagine many of the employees run the phone with their illegitimate children and couldn't get the hummus in the bowl. So then the woman came up to me afterwards and goes, hey, I was looking for you all over. I didn't know where you were with the hummus. I said, I was on stage dummy. I was on the stage for an hour, earning my $160. God, that place makes my skin crawl. I'll probably have to delete this when I'm there next month. I won't delete, I will not delete this.

I don't care. I will burn that bridge. Fuck it. I hate Burbank. It's a big mall. I'm just waiting for these people to stumble out of their room and just start projectile vomiting. The way she looked at the mage is like, we're really sick. You're going to have to just burn this room when we leave.

110,000 views. Listen, all I'm saying is this. The video quality is great. The editing is great. The fucking thing is funny. Celebrities are such pussies. Other comics are such pussies. So many people just don't want to retweet it because I know you don't want to upset anybody.

You know, God forbid, God forbid this jeopardizes your chance of getting on deal or no deal. And I know that's what most of you people are in this for. And I don't even blame you because there's no there there. It's a mirage. Nothing is real. Just got a few checks from deal or no deal. I don't even know what that show is. Apparently you, you, you go with the deal or not.

I, my career is called no deal. It's a show called no deal. It's been going on for a decade. So I don't know what, I don't know what that show is, but I know that I'm sure there's, there's a lot of game show hosts in this city and I'd love a game show. Someone give me a game show. I'll tone it down for the game show and for everything. But for the time I'm on air, we can, I could do a family friendly version of this for a half hour to an hour.

Think about a game that I could get involved in. You know, is this okay with the cars? Is it not? No, it's fine. It's fine. We're recording outside on the deck of the safari end. Yeah. But is it okay?

Yeah, it's fine. There's some traffic, but it'll be good. Okay. It's not a big deal. You know, folks, it's called background noise. They don't, you know, why don't you appreciate a little bit of a, you know, ambient noise in the background, like the sound of a soft summer rain instead, except these are cars that are fleeing the fires. You can hear their wheels screeching as the terrain around them burns and they're in the car with their family.

They're thinking about what would have happened if that, that family had just burned with that house. And of course it would have been sad, but it would have been a chance at rebirth. My father's wife almost died once from food poisoning and my dad looks so disappointed when he talked about the fact that she was saved. And I don't think it's because he doesn't love her, but there's a chance at rebirth. Do you understand that? It's not that he didn't love her. It's that, you know, waking up alone sometimes is what's needed after you've been in a bed for, next to somebody for a long time. Sometimes waking up and reaching for someone who isn't there is the ticket.

That's at least what his face said. He was kind of very solemn when he said that she was saved. He said, we almost lost her. And the way he said it, it was, he was very like matter of fact, like we almost lost her, but that would have been it. And I would have had to move on. But he's like, you know, she was, she was saved and, you know, we're all, we're all back together again. I'm just saying smash the retweet button if you can folks, not a big deal if you can't. I get it. Many, many of those jobs, you don't want to get fired, whatever.

Instagram is like hiding us. You can get to ISIS. You could have gotten to beg daddy on Instagram before you can find me. He's now dead, but you could have got to him. You could have got to his IG live before you find anything that I do. Because Instagram is, you know, I, you know, we just had dinner in Burma, you know, and then we said, I said to the wagers, I go, is there a bathroom? Because yeah, just take the key and go around back. What the fuck are you talking about?

Take the key and go around back. So I could what work at the restaurant. Why is the bathroom locked? Is it really, I guess it really is post apocalyptic hellscape out there. And is everybody given birth in the bathroom? Is everybody shooting up in the bathroom at Marie's Italian restaurant in Burbank, whatever it was called, that you need to have it locked up? We need to use a key to get in. Is it that bad out there?

When you check into a hotel, is it that bad that you the key works for three seconds in the elevator to get up to your room? Before you have to, you have to hit the sensor again. It shuts off after like a second. Who is getting on the elevator in between floor three and floor seven to murder you? Apparently everybody. There was probably, as I say that, because none of these corporations give a fuck. There was probably like a slaughter in like a Hyatt or something. There was definitely, and it had, it was a big chain and somebody got in there and just went crazy.

Somebody went in there and went, you know, breakfast buffet, it's not good today. And they went into the elevator and plunged a steak knife into someone's throat and then Hyatt was sued. And now it's like the NSA, you get into your room. There's 95 sensors to get anywhere. And then the cards de-magnetize. You got to keep going down to the front desk and go, hey, they don't work. They don't work. Did you keep them near your phone or your wallet?

Yes, I did. I did. I didn't keep it in my mouth. I have to put it somewhere on my person. How about we invest money into cards that don't de-magnetize by the two things everyone has to carry? Don't keep it near credit cards. Don't keep it near your phone. Should I put it in my ass for the day?

What should I do with the card? I'm seriously asking, can you hold it? And I'll pick it up at the front desk before I go up. How about you don't even give it to me? If it's going to de-magnetize, standing there in the elevator, waving it in front of the sensor like a psychopath, everybody gets in the elevator. Nobody knows whose card to use, whose everybody's waving the cards frantically at the sensor, just trying to get up to wash the rats.

It's enough already. Let people get killed. If that's the other option, let's live with the fucking chance. There's a fucking chance that someone's going to get us. There's nine bolts on every door in a hotel. I guess shit went down that I was not aware of in a hotel. I guess somebody who walked into a Marriott and disemboweled a family and nobody, I didn't realize how fucking crazy hotels are with security.

I stayed in Clearwater, Florida. They gave me a bracelet, which was cool because it's a resort. They go, here's a little bracelet. But again, you got to use the bracelet to get from the pool, to the beach, to the lobby, like every layer of gate you got to go through now. Because apparently there's just a lot of people stealing other people's vacations. That's what you have to believe. There's people stealing vacations.

They're showing up to the pool and they're sitting there and they're stealing the vacation that someone else should be having. I get it. I get that you need security, but there's got to be a happy medium between like no security and feeling like we're like in the underground city under Washington DC. There's got to be, you know, a holiday in express shouldn't feel like the Illuminati bunker under the Denver airport is my point. It two people just walked by.

I really had enough. We started, we started filming at this hotel. This hotel, by the way, thinks it's the shit because Apollo 13 filmed here in Desperate Housewives and a true romance. So it's got a cool sign. It looks like a 1950s, 1960s real LA. You know, it's got the outdoor pool and it's a real cool motel the way it looks and the rooms are fine.

But the attitude here is that, you know, it's this legendary iconic place, which is fine to a degree. It might be. I don't know. I don't think it is. But the attitude here, I did tweet iconic the other day. The safari and is a joke because it's like, what are you iconic? They call it iconic.

The fuck's iconic about it. That it was in coach Carter. What the fuck are you talking about? It's an inn. Make the bed. Stop. Everybody's acting like, everybody's acting like, you know, that we're all, it's like Hollywood royalty walking around here.

It's an inn. We're all here because we're fucked. What are you talking about? It's termites in my apartment. That's why I'm here. It's the woman I rented an apartment from. Let termites eat the house. That's why I'm here.

Not because I want to see the room where true romance was filmed. So what they do is they bought a family's come here and they stay and then they take them in a van every day that to Harry Potter world or whatever. God awful nightmare. The universal studios is cooked up for the American family. You know, to take their minds off of God only knows whatever's ailing them. You know, it's a nice little family vacation. You come here.

Stayed to Safari and a new someone in a van drives you to Harry Potter world. I don't know what that consists of. I imagine it's rides. I imagine it's, were you a big Harry Potter fan? No. I liked Harry Potter. I didn't read the books because I was, I'm an adult. I didn't read the books, but I saw some of the films.

I probably saw all of the films. They're fine. You know, but you know, my friend's wife went to Harry Potter world with her friend. This is something adults do now without any shame. They go to a theme park for kids and that's okay. Listen. Hey, I'm not here to judge anybody. This is what goes on.

This is a van pulling up right now. There's a van. There's a Jurassic world van pulling in right now. They yelled at us for filming. I wonder if we can, if we're allowed to pod, I think we're allowed to podcast wherever the fuck we want. Yeah, I think so. Bitch, I'll start screaming at these motherfuckers.

If they try to stop us from podcasting, I'll be like, bitch, I own my fucking voice. I'm not going to pay you money to speak into a microphone. Of course you got to pay. You got to, what's a rental on this? 10 grand a day to shoot? More. Probably yeah. Maybe even a little more.

Yeah. We got stopped filming here. We tried, we filmed in the Grove. We got stopped filming there, which is a shop, outdoor shopping center in LA. We got, they stopped filming. We got told to stop filming at Flappy hour. Yeah. The Supreme store.

They want to let us film there. They would not let Ben walk into the Supreme store in West Hollywood. They let me walk in. I appreciate that. Just like Epstein's temple. It's Halloween. One thing I will say in LA is that people have really gone to some trouble decorating their homes for Halloween.

And I appreciate that. Like that's a cool fucking thing. Halloween's a cool holiday. It's fun to see people get into it. We never really decorated for it when I was a kid. And I'm sure you didn't because you came from a very Christian. Were you even allowed to celebrate it? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But we did not really decorate. My mother had Christmas decorations that she would put up and they were dolls and many people from Long Island and from other places. I don't think it's specific to Long Island. People know there were these dolls where they had, they were holding a candle and then the

arm would like go back and forth with the little candle in it. It was just like, there are these famous moving dolls that you put in your window. It's like a display for Christmas. My mother loved doing that. It was a big deal. She did not like Halloween that much. She thought it was satanic. She thought everybody was poisoning kids with the candy.

She thought, you know, so she didn't really go out of her way to celebrate that. It's nice to see people in Burbank really getting into the spirit here. It's nice. And you can see the kids when they hit, like the kids that are a little older are walking around and they're kind of, you feel the energy of like they're trying to like break off from the pack. They're trying to get into trouble. They're trying to figure out like what's the next move.

I remember seventh grade or eighth grade. I was, I went out with like the kids in my grade that were, you know, popular or cool or whatever. You want to say they were all throwing eggs at cars and other people. That's what you did in eighth grade. That was like a rite of passage. As you were growing up, that's what you did. You would throw eggs and shaving cream and you would vandalize property.

That's what happened. That's what Halloween was about in the suburbs. If you were a winner, you would go out and you would get into a group of people and you would vandalize people's homes and their cars and you would throw eggs at kids and hopefully those kids weren't bigger than you would come and beat the shit out of you and every now and then you'd hear some story about, I don't know, some kid who swallowed an egg and died or you know, there's always a story. Well, you didn't hear about, you know, you know, Jeannie's son went out and he threw

an egg and someone turned around and shot him in the head. You know, there's always those stories. You can get an egg shell in your eye, you know, you know, and you listen, I'm sure kids got fucked up. There were fights should happen. We always went around with just a huge mob of kids and eighth grade I went out for like the first time with those kids and it was fun. Like we had fun and then I think I had dinner with my dad after at like 930 or 10, it was

like a late dinner at the steakhouse, you know, in the town. I grew up Jimmy Hayes and we sat there and I was covered in shaving cream, but I'd rubbed it all in. I was wearing all black because I was an Antifa and I'm kidding, but I was dressed like I was an Antifa, fat Antifa, chubby Antifa, eighth grade. I wasn't fat, but I was chubby. Me and Ray, we're going to do a sketch called fat Antifa or Antifa, however you pronounce it, where we were two guys dressed in black, supposed to go to a protest, but instead we

go to Arby's and we're just dressed in black and we just don't ever make it to the, it's like a funny, it's a funny idea. You just never make it to the rally. We never make it to the, whatever it was, the rally, the fight, we just never get there. We just keep going to different restaurants, like stopping off to just get different fast food items on the way to the rally and we just, we just never get there. And at the end, like a Tommy Lahren type girl comes and just like, like hits us with the butt of a gun or something.

Like we get close enough to the actual rally and then she just comes in and just fucking, but I was dressed in all black and I, I had rubbed the shaving cream in, but I just, then I just smelled like shaving cream to my dad's like, what is wrong? What do you smell like? We were at the table with him and the owner of this restaurant. I was like, oh, I just wore some clone in the owner of this restaurant. I was like, yeah, because you're trying to fuck those girls, aren't you? And I was like, well, you know me fucking them hoes.

I didn't say that. I was like, well, I just smiled. My dad was like, that's what he's doing. Just wearing cologne, trying to fuck members of the opposite sex, which was not the case. We were just trying to have some fun and throw some eggs and vandalize people's property that they'd worked hard for kind of. Slung Island, as I look back now, I go, you know what? Listen, an egg on your Buick Le Sabre isn't the worst thing that ever happened yet.

You're fine. And then the big thing was gang initiated. Everyone was like, Halloween is a big night for gang initiation. And it might be. It probably is. I don't know. But I remember the, the worry was the fear works. Everybody loves like fear.

Everyone loves to be afraid of what's coming. I do. We all do. We all like it. That's what we're all, we're all invested. We love horror movies. We love like peeking behind the, you know, the monster under the bed. What's the deal?

You know, where's the bed stuff? Where's the dark show? We want to see it. We want to see how bad it really gets out there. We're into it. It's, it's, we're hardwired for whatever reason. And, and, and, you know, everyone talked about gang initiation. Halloween night, you know, our mothers along either mothers would be like,

you know, Halloween night is the night where gangs will just pick a few of you boys and kill you to get into the gang. They'll come here. They'll kill you so that they can join the gang. And me and my friends were just in, you know, staring at our parents stone, being like, well, thank you for letting us know. Like trying to not, trying to not let, let, let, let, you know, let it out that we were literally starting to roll on acid, you know.

Thank you. Well, I, I bet we should just go down to the basement now and stare at the posters on the wall for an hour or two and think about what to do with this information. Gangs are coming from the city. Very coded words. All right. So what you're saying is people from the city are coming here to our leafy suburb to kill us, to prove a point.

Well, I bet we should sit down in the basement and just relax for a little while before we decide how to proceed with our evening. You know, our pupils with the size of golf balls just, we don't really know what to do with this, but thank you so much for this. Just wanted to let you know. Be safe out there. Be careful. Gang initiation and listen, I'm sure somebody, when I do something like this,

you know, without, without, without fail, someone on Instagram will share a story with me about an actual gang initiation that happened on, on Halloween. I am, I am not saying that, that isn't happening. I'm sure it is. Have you, did you hear that, that it was the night for gang initiation too? I never heard that. You never heard that. No, no.

Yeah. I heard that the one about the car coming in the opposite direction with its headlights off and if you like flash it, then it'll like turn around and chase you down and kill you. I heard that might be a thing on Halloween. I don't even know it. I think that's, isn't that like an urban legend, housewives tell. Yeah. Okay.

I don't think that's real. Yeah. Ben, Ben has no idea what I'm talking about. I'm like, did you hear the one about gang initiation? He's like, no, I heard the one about the Chupacabra. I'm like, Oh no, this is kind of based in reality. Ben comes from just this fucking wild background of superstition and no, I heard that heard the one about the black cat crossing a path and I heard the one about the vampire and the werewolf.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We're talking about gangs now. Some of them, listen, maybe, maybe it is gang initiation. What the fuck do I know? The episode today is going to be brought to you by uncommon apothecary. CBD is from the hemp plant. Unlike its sister, Mary Jane CBD contains less than 0.3% THC. So it does not have any psychoactive drugs in it.

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It's good. CBD. That's what we need. We need older boomers on CBD able to go on Facebook. Because they think they're speaking directly to Donald Trump. I got a wedding coming up this weekend. I can't tell you who's because the person is famous and it's very nice. And then they also said, hi, we're not doing any social media this weekend because we want to respect everyone's privacy.

And it's like, hey, I'm like into getting photos with famous people. So how can we respect your privacy? But also respect my need to get photos with people who are doing fucking better than me in the business so I can put them up and give people an idea that I'm on a path I'm not really on. How can all of our needs be respected at once? Can we find a way to bridge the gap between your need for privacy and my need to look like things are going better than they are? How about we meet in the middle?

Could we meet in the middle? No social media. Well, how about this? Just tell everyone I was there then. I don't have to go. It's no social media. I shouldn't have to go. It's crazy.

I mean, I don't know. Listen, it'll be a good time. And of course I'm kidding. I'm always kidding. I've never meant anything that I've ever said, ever, ever, ever, ever. Especially anything that would ever have said anyone. They're all jokes. The things that are not jokes are the things that people universally accept as truths.

We only know what they are after they've been said. Hard to know what they are before they've been said, you know? I wish I was at a really, I want to be at a Halloween party right now in LA with like some people in my little cool costume and I want them to be taking photos and I want them to, but I don't want it to be comedians. I want it to be like post Malone. I want to be at a party with post Malone.

Okay. Or even Carl Malone. What is, is that such a, is that such a unreasonable request? I want to be at a party with Billie Eilish. I want to have a photo with Billie Eilish, but instead I'm at the end, listed these junkies, tell the maid that she's going to have a lot of work ahead of her

when they slither out of that room. You can always tell when people are on drugs and are pretending to be sick. It's one of the funniest things ever. I mean, it's not funny in the sense that they're destroying their bodies and minds and souls, but what is funny about it is it's so obvious to everyone else that they're not really sick and that they're just either withdrawing from drugs or they've taken too many drugs or they don't have enough drugs, whatever the case is.

We're very sick, both of us. We both caught it from each other. Ah, did you, huh? But, um, but yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't really, uh, I don't know. I think the gang initiation thing, was probably a myth. There was a lot of myth-making. Like, you know, we did the Patreon episode where I talked about,

you know, the false memories and all that stuff and the idea that like a lot of them might have been actually hinting at real abuse. I'm not saying that people don't falsely accuse people. I'm not saying that recovered memory. I don't know anything. I'm not a doctor. I'm not saying that that isn't a type of science where it could produce some results that, you know, are not necessarily true and accurate and verifiable.

I don't know. I don't know. Um, but there was a lot of myth-making going on when I grew up. And the myths usually had to deal with people coming to kill you. And here's the, here's the thing. Some of them were, like some of them were, now that we've known about, you know, the human trafficking and stuff, kids were getting kidnapped. Kids were getting snatched, but not nearly as often as it would seem.

And on Long Island, you had to see some of us that were getting warned. Like some of us, we weren't getting snatched if we wanted to. Nobody was pulling up in a van and grabbing us. But like every day your mother would be like, just understand that there's people out there that are going to kidnap you and fuck you. Good. It's like, all right. The thing is, if we were innocent kids, listen, they weren't wrong to warn us,

but what was hilarious is that we were cocaine addicts and stealing from them. That was funny. In hindsight, that's what makes it funny. Not so much that they were that, they weren't really wrong, but it was just funny that we were like going and doing blow in the projects and they were like, you're just good kids. It's bad people in the world. I'm like, we know we're them. We got a good eye.

They were all of our friends. You know, all the, the, yeah, you know, the people selling Coke to 14 year olds, those bad people, yeah, we know them. They're pretty funny. They're actually a good hang. But I'm sure that there's not, I'm sure that there is not. The thing with the wedding, there's a lunch and then the ceremony and then the dinner. I don't need to be there for the lunch and then the dinner.

We don't, no one's doing that. No one's doing it. We go for one meal. It's not nine meals. Otherwise you go there for the whole weekend. I can't go there for the whole weekend. You go for the ceremony, you do the meal. I don't even go to my best friend's wedding.

My friend Joe got married into why I had a, like I had a weekend. I worked for years to start headlining at clubs and I, I, if they, if they let you get a shot to headline, it could be the only shot you get that year or that 18 month period. You want to get in the rotation of these clubs. So a lot of people that I really love and care about, I could not go to their weddings because I work Friday, Saturday nights. This is what I fucking do. I mean, and, and, and I, and I worked for free for many years to get to the point where I could

get paid to work on a Friday or a Saturday night. So it's not that I don't value people committing to each other or the ceremony, but what I can't do is give up and now, now I can do it easier than that, than I could then. Now I can move things around more than I could have then. Back then I was just getting on the mat. This was like my first chance at a lot of these clubs headlining. And you know, people get married. I would have to go, I can, I really have to work.

You know, I mean, that, that's a fact. You know, it's literally a fact. I enjoy weddings. I've had fun. I've had good times at weddings. I'm trying to think of my favorite wedding that I've been to, maybe my friend Joe and Allison, who you met, mortgage people, they had a lot, they had a lot of fun. It was a very Long Island wedding.

The Long Island wedding is always a huge waste of money. A Long Island wedding is an $80,000 where you take a handful of money and light it on fire in front of a room full of people. It's a, it's a 12 hour event where you say for like two years and you live in a basement and you, because your wife wants to feel like a princess for nine hours before she goes back and does medical billing for nine years and gets fat. She wants to feel like a princess for just a day before she goes back and starts drinking fucking French vanilla coffee made out of the fucking bottle with her other friends and smoking

marbora menthol lights outside of the medical billing office in Corum. But before she commits herself to a lifetime of that, she wants to shove her rib-eye-sized steak feet into a few nice shoes, put on a nice but cheap looking but expensive wedding down because Long Island loves spending a lot of money on something that looks like you found it and then strutting her stuff. She's been on keto for nine months. She's lost six pounds because she doesn't know what keto is and you and all your dirt bag friends get to go do cocaine one more time and I mean one more time that week at a strip club the night before, the week before, before the big day and then your father gives you a fun talk, you know, before the wedding.

He says some, you know, profound grunt. He's like thank you. That's, you know, thank you for that guidance. And then you go to a place like Jericho Terrace or you go to a place like Leonard's of Great Neck where they shot a scene from the sopranos. You go to a garish disgusting Long Island catering hall that has some stupid name like Chateaubriand and you go to this place and it has a fountain and it looks like a place where they have like Little League trophy night which they do and it looks like a place where subprime mortgage brokers learn how to rob you. We did and it looks like a place where they have sales conferences, you know, big titted blonde-haired bitches and goomba greasy head pigs eat chicken franches and figure out a way to snatch your

pension from you with, with the PowerPoint presentations because that's what these places do during the day and then on the weekends they all light themselves up so that Nicole and Tommy can finally tie the knot. A match made in heaven. I met Nicole at Lily Flanigans when she lost her shoe. She was vomiting. When I asked if she had too much to drink, she said, no, it's because I'm actually pregnant. But she was, she was enjoying herself, having a few drinks. I fell in love immediately. The next day I took her to get an abortion and a bacon egg and cheese and we discussed how sometimes movies aren't good. Over the next year we decided to move in together because we could not afford our apartments on our

own. Moving in together was a very big step for us because we had both been evicted the week before. Nicole supported my DJ business and I supported her as a medical receptionist. She would make people radiology appointments and I would show up in the parking lot and we would get high during lunch break. We adopted a pit bull which we cared for as best as we could. We had to give it to my father because it was hard to afford all of the food and it also bit one of the children on our block in the face. We should have trained it better but this is life. As my father always said, it's always something, you know? Then I finally got a job, punched your tickets on the Long Island Railroad. I gave them my name four years ago and then

finally they allowed me to take my place, my rightful place, among the legends that work in the most important job in New York, taking people from Long Island into the city so that they can do their jobs and watch Rangers games. Nicole also did very well. Sadly, the two kids that she were watching for a year got hit by a car so Nicole decided she was going back to bartending. Our parents were so proud when we finally got married. I proposed at Lily Flanagan's and then our parents told us that they would pay for our ceremony at Chateau Briand. Nicole, I love you. I've always loved you. What happened with your friend doesn't matter.

You know that she's a skank whore and I know that you've always loved me. I can't wait to have many children with you, show them how to play baseball and get drunk and beat each other up. I mean, that's the Long Island, you know? And then she's like, I thank you, Tommy. I love you, Tommy. My name is Nicole. I feel very special today because my friend Donatella is here with me. I know that you've had many struggles over the past four years. You were gone for a period of time in and out of rehab and jail. I love you, Donatella. Thank you for being, where is Donatella? She's in the bathroom. All right. I get, when she gets out, tell her I'd tell her I love her. Tommy, you're so beautiful inside and

out. You're not only a person that I know, but you're someone that I really truly understand. The first time we saw a movie together, Harry Potter, I remember how we said it was overrated and we didn't really understand it. And then you explained to me that we had actually seen the third Harry Potter. We should have saw the first two Harry Potters first. Then we went and saw the first two Harry Potters with each other. And now Harry Potter is the most favorite thing we've ever seen ever because you're my magic, baby. We don't have Dumbledore, but we got each other. Our honeymoon will be at Harry Potter World and we will stay at the Safari Inn where they will pick us up in a van. There will be a fat man on the roof yelling,

you will say that you think you know him and that you did cope with him in your town. And he's the comedian. We will then ask him for free tickets to his show at the Comedy Store. So I just want to say, Tommy, I absolutely love you. I want to thank my mother. My mother, you've got everything to me. You show me what it's like to be a bad bitch who drinks long island iced teas, who doesn't take any shit, who shows up for work when she wants, who quits cigarettes and yet still smokes, who knows how to carry herself in the community as a woman. You told me how to be a woman, mommy. I'm going to cry. I just love everybody so much. Thank you for sharing a special day. So I love weddings. I love them. Long Island weddings are the best

weddings because they're two people, two criminals, two demons, two monsters, two things that crawled out of a swamp of coffee, creamer and bacon egg and cheese with ketchup and buffalo calamari and beer farts and long island iced teas and excuses and the door gate, my homework. And I failed out of Onianta, two absolute pieces of the puzzle that unite and start the process of living a horrible life and ruining this world just a little bit, just a little bit in the ways that they can. Being a little ruder, a little dirtier. They make the world a little less understanding. Oh, enough. I had a real rally there, but I mean, there's nothing better than a long island wedding. It's something that's great. There's real characters there. What are those two people dressed up like,

Ben? I love the adults that are dressed up in the- So they're both Pikachu's. They're both Pikachu's. They got those costumes at fucking CVS. Sad. What were some of your Halloween costumes? I was a pumpkin, a skeleton, Super Mario. I think that was the last time I dressed up. I was Super Mario. You're a little bit of a basic bitch with the costumes. Nothing wrong with that. Were you ever tried to be a scary thing? No, I never did. I wasn't into scary stuff. I was into video games and stuff. So I just dressed up like Super Mario or I think I did Yoshi. Oh, I did Simba one year. What? Simba from The Lion King. Okay. How old were you? I stopped dressing up at 11. So I think I was Simba when

I was five. Okay. When did you stop dressing up? Did you stop dressing up in high school or- Yeah, I didn't really dress up past eighth grade. Yeah. Eighth grade was the year I went out and threw eggs. I think seventh grade, I might have wore a mask because you edge out of the costume into the mask. Yeah. You go from the costume to the mask. And then some people get into the costumes again or get real creative or whatever, you know? Yeah. But seventh grade is the year of like, I'm going to wear a mask. I'm a badass, but you still like candy, you know? You still want candy. And then- And then eighth grade is kind of the year. And then high school, you know, some people have parties,

but then high school, Halloween, I'm trying to remember. I think they were just, oh, you know, high school, Halloween, like- I can't remember. One year, I think I went out with a bunch of kids and we were like doing similar shit. Me and my friends in 11th grade used to- my friend had a house in Rockville Center and we used to throw fruit off the- which is very dangerous to throw like fruit at cars. There was like police involved. It was very bad. It was crazy. Like we threw whole fruit at cars because we thought it was funny. And we were in 11th grade. We're like adults. And we thought it was funny to just pelt passing cars with fruit. And you know, they would get mad. They would stop their

car. They'd bang on my friend's door and they would be like, hey, a fucking- I just got nailed. Like what the fuck, dude? Like oranges and just whatever, you know? People get pissed off at that. But this was like one of my- one of your friends that you have where you're like, oh, this kid's got a bigger house than me. It's fun to hang out with him. He's a fun kid. His name's Ryan. He's still- he's still a fun kid. But like he would do crazy shit. He was really into pranks. He was really in like- So what? They just loved it. They just loved throwing like- I didn't give that much of a shit about pranks, but you just do what other people do to fit in. Okay? That kids, if you're listening, the biggest mistake you can do is march to the beat of your own drum. If someone else is doing

something, even if it's dangerous, just do it. It's the way the world works. That's how we get people to go to war. So my point is, and if you tell me that you shouldn't do bad stuff that other people are doing, don't ever tell me, then how are you going to support the troops? Because I think that's pretty much the logic of that. Well, why are we all doing this thing? Shut up and do it. Are these people guilty of anything? Shut up. We're doing it. Okay. I'm kidding. I know that there's more going on there than that, but I can unpack it now. It's not the time. It's not the time always for discourse and geopolitics. Not the time. It's a farry in. But sometimes you make a friend. You just got to do what they do.

And this kid loved throwing eggs. One time, me and him, our other friend, Tim, who passed away from drug overdose, who was a great kid, very funny kid, insanely funny. Some of the first times I ever got drunk were with this kid. We would just show up to his house hammered. His mother would be like, what the fuck is wrong with both of you? You're drunk? And he would be like, they already took our fake IDs, mom. And she would be like, excuse me? He's like, we were already caught. This is overkill now. What you're doing is overkill. And she would just lose her mind. And we were full of that laughing. He'd be like, they took our IDs at Gillians, mom, which was like, Gillians was like, I'm trying to think of the, it's like a Dave and Buster's

Long Island. He's like, they took our IDs at Gillians because we had IDs from Boston College. And they said, other than the guy said, he went to Boston College. What dorm did you stay in? And Tim said the Kennedy dorm, like an idiot. I'm like, maybe there is a Kennedy dorm. Tim's like, well, they just knew that we were fighting. His name is Tim too. And we also had a lot of fun. My friend, Jerry Ann would pick us up a lot and drive us places. And she would be like, I don't know if we should do this. And Tim would just look, Tim would look at our girl. Will you shut up? Like she just drove 45 minutes to pick us up. She's like, I don't know. I think I have to be home early. He'd go, hey, shut up.

That's the funniest thing ever. The funniest thing ever is to look at someone who's genuinely like trying to have a moment with you and go, hey, shut up. It was great. He did all that. We, I mean, he made me laugh so much. And we, one day we just bought like three dozen eggs. There was a ballies in his town, a copag. And the ballies had a huge window. And the window was from floor to ceiling. And you saw all these people like on the ellipticals or on treadmills or whatever, lifting weights. And we said, wouldn't it be funny if we just started pelting the window of this ballies with eggs? And we did it. And no one cared. Like no one really, we like did it a bunch. People were like barely noticing. And we're like, then we just ran away. We was just

dumb things to do. We're in 11th grade. Didn't have a lot to do, you know? We threw things at people. And then we got into drinking and then we're like, oh, this is more fun than, and there was like a divide in our group. Cause one of the kids was like clearly not ready to start drinking and doing other stuff. And he just still wanted to throw fruit at things. We're like, dude, we can't do that forever. Like we have to sneak into bars, get drunk. We have to throw up. We have to make out with chicks like that. I remember one day we snuck into this bar and it snuck in meaning that we had fake IDs. We were not, you know, we wouldn't sneak in. We're let in. There are these bars by Hofstra College in Long Island and they're all underage and a lot of high school people would

go there. Literally it's children. It's like we open the door and it's just like toddlers hammered, like dancing around and they get shut down like all the time. And they just pay a lot of money for a fine and they reopen as like another names. They reopened and there was one called Bogarts. Bogarts was this bar club. It was a club. We would go in and do shots. And I remember I was like dancing with this girl who had like short hair. She was like, probably like some like older, dykeier chick, but she was kind of hot. And my friend's older brother just whispered in my ear as I was dancing with her. He's like, you're the fucking man. And I was just like, yeah, I felt so cool. He was like, you're the fucking man. I was just dancing with this like short-haired lesbian.

And then we started making out, which was fine. I didn't care because I was like hammered and it looked cool in front of your friends. You know, it was just funny. And then we all got in the car and then we had to pull over on the way home. We were all just vomiting. And what was funny is like when your friend's parents didn't care, like when you'd get home and the mom would always be like, this is enough. And the dad would be like, they're being kids. They're just having fun. Well, you relax. And you know, listen, we're all successful in our own right. We're all fine. I do miss Tim who passed away. He was a fucking very truly funny kid. Always had a hot girlfriend. Always. He was a surfer, skater kid. Always had a hot girlfriend, very, very hot girlfriend.

And he was just a very funny guy. And that was one of my favorite things he ever did. He would go, will you shut up? His mom would say something. He'd go, hey, did you flip out? He'd be like, will you shut up? Like as we're walking to the car, she'd be like, don't, now I said home by 12. You shut up. You shut up, please. Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I remember he used to have a block party. It was like a truly shitty block party on his block. And it was just like, you know, it's just an excuse for people to walk out and drink in the street. And like, he would always just like, his parents weren't even big drinkers, but he would make them feel like they were huge drinkers. He'd like walk out to them,

like his mom and dad. He'd be like, but you're going to have a few more, huh? That's what you're all about. Aren't you? You're just going to, you're going to call out of work tomorrow. You're just going to, what, how many beers you had? 18? God, we won't see you for three months. His parents are like, what are you talking about? They were like, good parents. Like, what are you saying? He's like, I'm just saying, you know, just take a few more and then just get in the car and go for a spin. Don't worry. It's just the law. He's crazy. It was so funny, dude. There are those people that you're blessed with in your life for not that long, who are so fucking genuinely funny, none of whom are comedians that I've met.

Um, but maybe that'll change one day, but it certainly hasn't, certainly hasn't come down the flappy hour. Are you high? I walk in and I go, listen, I, she calls my name for the mic. I go, I can't go now. She goes, why? I said, I, I'm dressing up like Jeffrey Epstein's temple. And I'm going to perform as that. She's like, what? I'm like, well, you just call someone else to the stage and give me a minute to put on this box. I'm checking, uh, where the videos are with the, uh, the videos out right now. I hope Post Malone retweeted it. 123, Ben. It's not that bad. Nice. Nice. Five to what? An hour? We're at 55 right now. Yeah. We got to do longer than that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just giving you a timestamp.

I've got to do six hours. I'm deciding, deciding when I have to fly. The problem with flying back to New York is that you lose three hours and I hate fucking up like my sleep cycle. I hate like taking a red eye where I don't sleep and then I napped during the day and then I can't go to bed at night and now I'm fucked. I hate red eyes. Red eyes drive me insane. I don't like them. They make me paranoid. I don't like being on a plane where everyone's asleep, but me, I don't like it. So then I sometimes leave early in the morning, but then sometimes you leave so early in the fucking morning that it's absurd. I still made booked a six amp flight. I don't know. I got to go. I got to get a dress shirt for this fucking wedding and I got to get

khaki pants or like nice pants, a dress shirt for the wedding. Actually don't have to do, you know, I thought about it. I'm like, I don't really have to do laundry before I get back on Sunday. I'm just going to buy an outfit and wear it. That's right. Yeah. I don't, I can just do it on Sunday. Perfect. I don't have to go crazy. I don't have to go. I just have to go to this wedding where I'm going to give somebody who makes millions and millions and millions of dollars, a $400 gift certificate to a restaurant and a bottle of wine that I'm splitting with another person. It's a group. It's a group gift. Okay. But that's the way it is. You got to, you got to act appropriately. This ain't a Long Island wedding. This is upstate

Westchester. These people know how to act. This is going to be nice. I'm expecting some good food. It's a very nice food. You know, I mean, that's the situation. You got a wedding coming up. That'll be, have you guys done any planning for it or you're just, it's kind of, yeah, we, we have the venue and everything, but we're working on everything else right now. You can have a DJ. You can have a band. I'm not sure yet. You want me to get post Malone? He's good, man. He's talented. I like him. What are you saying? I like him like I don't like him. I like him too. He's good. Want me to get Billy? Yeah. Can you get Billy to come to my wedding? I'm a bad guy. People in Long Island are so out of it. They wouldn't even know who she is.

Who's this girl? Oh, this socks. Put on Joel. Where's Nelly? They're like, like 13 years behind popular culture. I like Nelly. Where's Kanye West? We love God. They love Kanye now. He's talking about Trump and Jesus. Nice. It's a real, it's a real interesting thing. Watching people commit their lives to each other is an amazing thing. I have friends with children. That's an amazing thing. I encourage people to do that, to have children, to get married. I think that's the way to do it. I think those experiences matter. And I think that we kind of devalue those experiences and we tell everybody to follow their

passion or their dream, knowing full well that most people don't have a dream. They have dreams at night, but they don't really have a passion. And a few people that have the passion don't really have the work ethic or the ability to do anything with it. So we've had this massive switch in society where we're now just telling everybody that they shouldn't have a stable career. They should have an exciting one and they should just be excited because that's what Gary Vaynerchuk said. Gary V told me to be excited every day. And listen, I get that it sucks being in a dead-end job. I get that you want to push yourself and you want to do something that you love. Good. You should do that. But the lack of honesty in society about what that takes,

I don't feel like it's ever been higher or like it's at a fever pitch now. The dishonesty and the lying to children about what it takes to follow a dream or a passion. We're completely denying reality and we're telling children to follow your heart, follow your dreams. And that's why we have a generation of people that are completely unprepared when the door is shut in their face continually and repeatedly and they can't handle rejection and then they flip out and they don't know why they were rejected and they start saying, well, it's society. It's this. It's that. It's these barriers. It's the way it is. It's the rule and not the exception that people are going to tell you to fuck yourself over and over again. And we seem to leave that out. All the stories seem to

leave that out. Every fucking Rudy-esque movie and it's about somebody, that dumb movie Whiplash or Miles Tellers that gets in a car accident and he's just beaten the drum. Is that what you want to be? I'll just tell you, there's never been a time that I feel like there's more of a disconnect between the reality of what that process is, doing something on your own and the idea of what that process is and how glorified that process is by people that tend to make money off their commodifying your hopes and dreams and they're making money telling you to follow your hopes and dreams and they don't have a goddamn clue what your hopes and dreams are. Your hopes and dreams might be an ethno state. They might be another Epstein Island. Who knows, but these people

are just here to tell you to just go and do it. Just do it and get it done. Fuck it up. It's your time to crush it. Maybe, maybe it is. Maybe it ain't. It's a mixed bag. That's a Tim Dillon motivational course. You can follow your dreams, but baby, it's a mixed bag and I'm telling you that as somebody who thinks you're working out. It's a mixed bag. You've got to make a few sacrifices. You've got to like, you know, it's not always going to be what you think it's going to be and you don't, you know, you have to kind of put a few things on the back burner to do what you want to do and nobody tells you that. Everybody tells you how fun it's going to be. It's just, you know, go and get the glory, bro. It's going to be great. You know, it's not necessarily great. There's a

lot of people I know that got stable jobs that are very happy with stable jobs and insurance and they're able to have things on the side and they don't need to earn money doing the thing they love. They can just simply do the thing they love. That's it. We don't talk about that anymore in society. It's all or nothing in this society. It's all or nothing. We don't like any moderation. So it's like, go all the way or fuck you. It's like, that's not always the case. There's a lot of people that have hobbies that are a great part of their life that they don't need to earn money doing. You know, most people do in comedy. It's a hobby for them. They don't know that it's a hobby because they're insane, but it's a hobby. They earn no money doing it. Here comes the fire.

Here comes the fire trucks that nobody lets pass. No, it's an ambulance. I was driving today and oh God, here we go. They go so slow. These fucking people rush. You're supposed to be saving somebody's life, but if somebody gets an egg shell in their eye, but you know, I was driving today up through Beverly Hills and then like the fire trucks are coming behind us. These people don't even want to let the fire guy. They don't want to even let the fire truck through, you know, because they're late. They're late for a table read for mom. They want to hear, they want to do what they need to be at their table read for the new show, mom about a zany mommy. She's the zany mommy. How about a show called Nazi mom where mom is redpilled. Wouldn't that be a great show? Mom is redpilled and the

family now has to deal with it. And the dad is like, what's going on? Everybody thinks it's always like men that are redpilled. What if mom is redpilled and everybody's trying to pull her back and she's drifting further and further. Does that not excite anyone? That excites the fuck out of me. That excites the fuck out. I never really wanted to be in a writer's room. I'll tell you right now. If, if they do a show called redpill mom, I will write for that show, you know, we're like, the family sits down for dinner. Okay. And she's just sitting there and she serves everyone like roasted chicken or maybe like salmon gravlox, you know, and they're like, why are we eating this? And she's like, well, you don't really know much about your Nordic heritage, but I think we should

start talking a little more about who we are and where we come from. It starts like that. Like, and people are like, okay, like that's fine, right? And then progressively through the first episode, she starts letting, like letting you in on the fact that she's a little based, as the kids say, as the new generation of children say, it's going to be a fun world in 20 years. I'll tell you that much. If the kids are any clue, it's going to be a fun world. You may want the corporations in 20 years. You may be begging for chaseback. You might be like, remember when it was your city bank that we had to contend with and not bands of marauding psychopaths that are armed to the teeth? I don't know if that's the case, but it certainly doesn't seem that. Thank God no one

leaves their home. That's the only thing that we all, we all can really just sit in the fact and the, and the, and the comfort that nobody really, unless they have to leaves their home. We've created such a life for ourselves online that we would never be able to produce an actual life. Online, everyone's a hero and everyone's this and that. And in real life, everyone's just online and dunking donuts and disgusting. But online, everybody's making positive changes. They're live. It's a real, it's a, it's one motivational poster online. Everyone's like an eagle with the wings spread. Everyone's like sore. I'm soaring. I'm, I'm destroying people. I'm clapping back at the president. I'm shitting on the president. I'm giving celebrities a piece of my mind. And then

when you walk out of your house, what do you do? You go to McDonald's and you get a cheeseburger and then you eat it in your car and you cry. And then you go back in and you're like, I'm going to tell Alyssa Milano to fuck off. And good. Cause I don't like her, but that's what it is. So whenever, whenever I think things are going to get too bad, I realize that we are blessed with the fact that, but you know, who knows, that'll eventually run out. I'm sure. And as things get worse, people might, you know, people might venture outside. I don't know. It may happen, may not. I just want to go, I just want to go to as many weddings before that day happens. I just want to go to weddings. That's all I want to do, man. Let's just go to weddings.

Thanks. Somebody did, somebody was OJ. OJ Simpson did a Halloween thing. I love him. Can we forgive him? Can we let him back in? Like, can he come back now? He paid his due. He killed his wife and a waiter and, but look at all the good things he's done. Like I'm sick of this cancel culture not taking into account the full person. And that's what I, I think OJ is a real, I view him as a, the first casualty of cancel culture. Really. We canceled him. We didn't take stock that he was like great athlete, a lot of good films, a fun guy, you know, and he's canceled. People got mad at Michael Che for making a joke on SNL. This is the black portion of the show. I just go over black issues. I'm kidding. But I just, as I transitioned, I realized

that that sounded crazy, but I just don't have more to, I don't really have a lot more to say on OJ. I will. I say some stuff about, I have a whole bit about how OJ is the only motivational speaker that anyone should listen to. OJ and Trump, they both exemplify America, but Che said something about Bruce Jenner. He said there was a fellow named Bruce Jenner and people said that's dead naming a trans woman because Caitlyn is now Caitlyn. And my whole thing is, well, he said was, there was a fellow named, he didn't say Caitlyn was Bruce. He said there was like past tense, which there was. Bruce Jenner existed. He got married. He had children. He won Olympic gold medals. I mean, to say that Bruce Jenner was never Bruce Jenner, you could say that he didn't

feel like Bruce Jenner. Okay. You can't say he wasn't ever the thing. But I think people are, and then some people are like, Oh, it was just a cheap shot, which it might have been SNL's trash. Che's really funny, but SNL's garbage. It's just not good. And I've defended SNL. I defended it to open mic or shitting on it. And I feel bad that I defend it because the people who often shit on SNL are often unemployable vagrants who live on floors and borrow drugs. So they are like shitting on a thing that they couldn't eat. If somebody gave them a job that they couldn't do it, because they would have to shower and leave their apartment and arrive by like nine. Like that would never happen. It could never happen. They couldn't even do it. But they blame

all of it, but SNL does. Here's where those human, you know, like human garbage people are right is that the show is not good. It's not funny. It has funny moments. It's an hour and a half. It doesn't have as many funny moments as it should. But like everything else is past its prime, you know, this guy wrote a thing about Peter Luger's and it's still good. It's old. It's over. It's got nothing to prove anymore. The heyday is it's already in the history books. Nothing matters. Peter Luger's is well past its prime. It's well past any type of the market isn't checking Peter Luger. It's going to be full no matter what you say about it. SNL is just going to be the show on 1130 Saturdays on NBC. Really, no matter what happens until, until they decide that it's not

going to be. That's what it is. I mean, things get so big they become it's mythos. Peter Luger's, SNL things like that. They just coast along, you know, not being particularly impressive for a while and then having hits here and there. Luger's are certainly still a great restaurant and SNL could still put out a funny sketch, but it doesn't mean that on the whole, on average, these are institutions that are well past their prime. And I'm always amazed that everybody's shocked that, you know, 150 year old steakhouse or a show that's been on 40 or 50 years is no longer hitting like it used to be. Yeah, the Simpsons not hit like it used to be. Get over it. Your childhood is over. Your childhood is done. We're moving on to other things. Stop remaking

mad about you. What the fuck is that? You know they're going to ruin, if I thought they weren't going to ruin Reno 911, I would love to see it get remade because I loved that show. I guarantee they'll ruin it. They're going to ruin it. They're going to introduce it to a whole new generation of people as something that is much shittier than the fucking irreverent, hilarious thing that it was back when no one gave a fuck. You know, I, you know, I talk about political correctness. I thought myself, it's so funny. So some of the Halloween decorations in Burbank and some of them were a little weird. There were skeletons being lynched on the trees. And I just say to myself, I go, you know me guys, I'm not an S J dubs, but you start seeing the skeletons being lynched. You

go, you know, do we need that? Do we need the lynched skeletons from the tree? Now I know that lynching, you know, lynching as a racial component historically in this country. No, but there was white people that will let yet no, I know that I'm just saying, do we need it? Do we need the lynched skeletons for the Halloween display for the children? You got two year olds in Buzz Lightyear costumes pointing at these things. What's that? Oh, that's a way to kill someone where we hang them and we cut off the flow of air. And a lot of times their neck is broken before they can even die of strangulation. Anyway, go and get your peanut butter cup. Okay, pal. Oh, no, if we need that. It was also like,

there was one that was clearly an ode to like, what's the one was it? Michael Myers, what's the one with the summer camp that happened at the summer camp? Friday the 13th. So there was clearly an ode to that or it was, I don't know. They were all the same. To me, it's there's Freddie Krueger, there's Nightmare on Elm Street, then it's Friday the 13th. It's like, then there's Jason. It's a whole thing. It blends together in my head, you know? I love all that stuff, but I'm not an aficionado. I prefer horror movies like things that I've seen that have like, you know, Jacob's Ladder with Tim Robbins was a good one. Things like Cabin in the Woods that were fun. You know, Joss Whedon made before he joined the Lilith Fair or whatever

he thinks. Yeah, that guy, the hell's going on here. He got his wife canceled them. Got cancer. Was it cheating on his wife? He's like, wait, you know, you don't know. I love these guys that get caught and then move like further to the left when they were to the left. It's like, no, you got to go right now. You got to shimmy ride. Shimmy ride, shimmy ride. You got to get redpilled. You can't dance further to the left. Like these guys, these guys, like they get caught cheating on their wife and they're like, well, I'm non-binary now. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, hold on. But that was a fun movie that was like, I like House of a Thousand Corpses, Rob Zombie, Devils, Rejax. I like stuff that's a little campy, a little funny. It has elements of fun in it,

but I love all the old shit too. You know, hostile was fun. The ring was great. Jenny Slate's new special. A lot of these things are any of themselves. Kidding. It's phenomenal. You know, everything's great. Everything's great. The comedy press has lost their minds now. They've collectively lost their minds where I can't even get mad at them anymore. They should be put in a padded room. People writing about comedy right now should be put in a padded room and have all sharp objects and shoelaces taken away from them. They are a danger to themselves and others. They are no longer rational beings that should be able to plan their own day. They need to be in an institution too sweet immediately.

They're making comedy lists with people who haven't done comedy in five years who are homeless, and they're going, these people are the comedians that you're going to know. By the way, being on one of those lists is a curse. I know I've seen people that have been on those industry lists. Three years later, they're like wandering around the streets of Los Angeles. You know, like, like they can't find their way home. So good luck. There's some people that are funny to get on the list, but by and large, every special review, every list right now is being made by people who are mentally unwell. The only comics they like are comics that they think would invite them to a party, i.e. losers. The only comics they like are comics that don't remind them

of the people who rightfully used to spit in their faces during homeroom. I'm really going off today. You know, it's a good, the air is very crisp and I feel very, I feel very good. But what I mean is, and I don't want to sound too drastic or too extreme. I believe the police should arrest the people that are reviewing comedy right now. They should arrest them in the middle of the night and take them away from their families and interrogate them with any, as to why they find certain things funny. They should be interrogated. They should be under a hot light and they should be forced to watch this special and fucking admit or at least have reasoning for why you found this funny, whatever special it happens to be. I've got no beef with Jenny Slade. It's just, that was the

special that everybody said is the greatest thing that's ever happened and I watched it. Listen, she's clearly talented. It really wasn't for me. That's okay. I'm probably not for her, but the praise that is leveled on people clearly has nothing to do with the actual thing anymore. It's completely divorced from what the thing is. It just doesn't matter. It's not that specific special. It's really all of them. It's anything, it's anything that anybody's fucking doing right now. It's a statement. Everybody's, I'm making my reviews a statement. It does have nothing to do with the actual thing that anybody's watching. Nobody was mad about your pal's special. It wasn't real. These people turned it into something that wasn't real.

Okay? Nobody thought the net was the greatest thing in the world. They turned it into that. No one, not a one, not a person on earth was like, this was the greatest comedy, but they might have thought it was a meaningful piece of art, but there was not one, people were trying to say, it is funny. Fuck you. You don't know what fun. It's like, so my point is that the people writing about comedy right now, you know, and that, you know, Jason Zimmerman at the times can write some good articles. Meg Wright at Vulture occasionally do something that isn't completely insane, sometimes half accidentally. Jesse David Fox is a lunatic over whatever the fuck he writes for. Decider, Vulture, whatever pretend thing. I'm just saying, I'm not, I am saying that these people

should be in jail. Do you understand what I'm saying? I can take criticism, but I'm saying it should be leveled at me from bars that they are currently behind. That's, that's my only point is that they are not, they are looking to kick up dust and start trouble and stir the pot. They are not having real reactions to people's comedy or art and that, and they haven't been for a while. They are only trying to start shit and the only comedy they like is comedy done by people that they feel crawl on their floor every night in a bowl of anxiety, like these fuckers do, apparently. And that's the type of comedy that they like. You know, I have anxiety too, folks, and a lot of my friends do too. I think Gomez has anxiety, you know, but the reality is they like

one type of comedy. They think one type of, I mean, they write off Skankfest as like this fucking, it had the best comedians of the last century. They're dummy. I mean, with the exception of certainly some people, Louis, Bill Burr, Bobby Kelly, Bonnie McFarlane, Yamanica Saunders, Rich Voss, um, fucking Ron Bennington, a legendary broadcaster, Dan Soder, Mark Norman, Michael Chey, you know, like Michelle Wolf, three years ago they had, like, these are great comp, like you're writing it off as like this alt-right thing. It's not, it's not to do with that. It is nothing to do with that. Were you there? Were any of them there? No. No research. No homework done. Nothing. They have no first-hand sources or experience.

They source their articles from other garbage that other people tweet and write. But these people don't contact anyone. I've been contacted once or twice by the New York Times guy, and he's actually, he might do some due diligence on some articles, and I do appreciate that. But these people that write about comedy should contact me every week, and I should write their reviews for them. I should go strike every review. That's what I'm saying. I should, they should check in with me every day. Hi, Tim. How are you? What are our orders? What should we do? And then I give them their orders. I tell you what we're doing this week. That's what should happen. Email me. I write you your article. Or you go to jail. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable.

Everybody's on Twitter trying to get some goddamn attention. These people, you know, some people tell me they like the videos and then they don't retweet them. I mean, I'm going to start asking people that say I like the videos. I'm going to start looking at them straight in the face, dead in the face, and go, can I ask you? Why don't you retweet them? Are you a coward? Is it moral cowardice? What is it? Is it that you don't feel like I do enough for you? What are we at right now? Hour 22. Yeah. We're going to start to wrap this up because we have to then record some ad-dosing ads on the

road and we'll get this baby to where it needs to be. I wanted to talk about a few more things. It's been a real uneventful Halloween. I mean, we made a fun video. We worked very hard on that. In LA, people don't realize you can only shoot because the sun trenches everything out. It's very hard to shoot. You've got to shoot early morning or like, you know, sunset time between five and six. And to get anywhere in the city is an hour and a half, an hour, long traffic, parkings, a bitch. I mean, it is, you know, I love doing it. We have a lot of fun doing it, but it's actually, it is a process. It's not nearly as easy to make things. You know, when we're in Ben's garage, it's a little different, but when we're going out and actually

doing something like this where we got to go to several different locations is actually quite different, you know? And it's kind of an interesting, it's very interesting to do it. And then imagine that people do things like that with a huge budget and they're out there with so many professionals and so many cameras and assistants and a huge budget and they don't manage to ever do anything funny even by accident. And you're like, that's so shocking to me that you people are so like divorced from what is actually good, that you have all these resources at your disposal and everything you do is shit over and over and over again. It's like amazing to me, but that's the name of the game. It's what it is, folks.

You just got to bury your head in a trough of shit for as long as you can. And hopefully somebody taps you on the shoulder one day and says, hey, hey, it's going to be good. You're going to be okay. Keep making those lists. These are the comedians that you're going to know. Yeah? Is that it? Is that the way it is? Okay. But if we don't know them in a year, the penalty for writing that article should be death. You should be put to death because clearly there are no consequences and the lack of consequences are not good for anyone. You pseudo-intellectuals running around there. I should be writing all of the articles about comedy. That's it. That's my offer and I'm offering anyone out there, some of them listen,

please, I will never take credit. I will let you have the credit and I will write the article. Here's my first article. Here's my first pitch. Okay? Okay? The first pitch is called 10 comedians who should be killed in their homes. And we write about 10 comedians who we make a list. We go from people who you wouldn't be upset if they were killed in their homes to people who should be killed in their homes. And that's the list. And we do a small paragraph on each. Pitch it to your editors. You know? I mean, here's another article. Okay? Here's another article. What would you rather do? Watch the Tonight Show or your mother get raped.

Think about it. Beginning to end, no commercials. Beginning to end. Okay? And the guest is someone where Jimmy can't really understand them because of their quirky accent. Beginning to end. What did you say? What did you say? Or just a good old fashioned rape of your mother. These are the thoughts. These are the questions. These are the articles that should be written. These are the talking points. These are the issues of the day. We've had a lot of fun. We're going to wrap it up. We've had a lot of fun here tonight, folks. I know that you want a visual aid. We are going to get back into that studio.

But right now, we've been all over the place and because we're doing these videos and because, you know, it's getting a little colder out in LA. It's a little hard to be on that porch every time. We're going to still, we'll get a few more in and then we're going to go grab a studio and do it like grown-ups because we can't sit out on the porch in February and we're not going to sit there in the middle of the day because the sun's going to fuck up everything and, you know, you're not going to, you're going to barely see us. So, you know, we're going to have Devon on again soon. Everybody's running around. We do appreciate everybody that listens to the show, that tells their friends about the show, that donates to the Patreon or that, you know, just shares things

on Instagram and Twitter. We do appreciate that. You know, you guys are the ones that determine who gets attention or what, you know, whose content gets looked at. Fuck everybody who's writing about anything. Doesn't matter. You guys are the ones that matter. So, if you enjoy what we do, you know, keep trying to share as much of it as you can and, you know, we do appreciate it. We're going to try to do cooler, funnier stuff and we're going to try to keep getting better. We've got guests that are coming up on a lot of Patreon episodes that I think people are going to dig and we're going to continue to have fun. So, let's, you know, let's all arm ourselves. Let's get ready. I'm kidding. But no, let's, you know, let's really just,

here's a guy driving by with a perfect ending. Guy driving down the street, seemingly all of his possessions are on the back of a bicycle. I bet you two years ago he was on a list of comics that you were going to know. You were going to know him, you know? Nobody should have any confidence. People in this business should open the door every day, crack it open like there's someone that's coming to kill them. And that's the only way to truly advance or like to truly appreciate how fragile everyone's position is and how insane this whole entire thing is and how crazy it all is. And this bullying confidence that people have is disgusting. Be confident in what you put out,

but don't become, you know, this fucking person. Like you're a comedian. You're supposed to be making people laugh. You're not a rock star. You're not a rapper. Calm down. You know, enough. Cut it out. Your tongue. TiptollaComedy.com for all you, the dates. I'll be Oberkreicher a bunch this week and then I'll be back in LA. I will be in Fort Worth, Texas at Hyenas the 14th to the 16th of November. I will then be at the Vermont Comedy Club, the 20th through the 23rd in Burlington, the fifth through the seventh. I'll be at the stress factory in Connecticut, Bridgeport, Connecticut. And then I believe the Comedy Connection of Providence, Rhode Island, the 14th to the 15th.

Yeah, 13th and 14th. 13th to 14th Comedy Connection of Providence, Rhode Island. January, I'm going to be at Magoobies. What dates? Magoobies? January 9th through Saturday, the 11th. January 9th through Saturday, the 11th. Magoobies in Baltimore, Maryland, Timonium. Or Timonium, yeah. Timonium, actually. Zanis in Chicago. I'm going to be there from February 3rd through the 8th. 5th through the 8th. 5th through the 8th. And then I just confirmed it all for today. I'm going to be up in Toronto.

And the Toronto dates. It's a theater up there in Toronto. And it's going to be a lot of fun. February 14th, February 15th in Toronto. Then March 4th, Caroline's on Broadway, New York City. First weekend headline in Caroline's. Huge deal. If you're in the New York area and you could get down there, it's going to be a great show. Going to have a lot of fun. I'm going to bring out some really fun openers. You guys are going to dig it. So that's all the live stuff. There's more live stuff. Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram and Twitter. Share this shit if you can. We do appreciate it. And rate the podcast. Review us. Five stars. Leave us a positive review.

Keep telling your friends about it. Buy the products if you need them, even if you don't need them. The CBD helps us a lot. Helps us if you buy these products. Give it a shot. If you hate it, you hate it. Give it a shot. We're doing a swipe up on my Instagram for New CBD Company that we're working with. Check it out. Maybe fun to try. And all of that stuff does help the show and it helps fund all the shit we're trying to do. So thank you very much. I appreciate it. Goodbye.