The Tim Dillon Show - 177: 177 - Sober December

Episode Date: December 8, 2019

Tim goes off on people's sick obsession with pets, having Kyle Kashuv on the podcast, navigating the holidays sober, what December means to him, and the greatest Christmas movie of all time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Cam, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers. They all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Thank you to all the people on Instagram that have reached out to me that are gay, but also Nazis that are very excited that there's a gay guy out there that doesn't make being gay his whole thing. And it's real fun. Some of those messages I get, people are like, listen, hey, I just want to let you know I'm a gay guy. I'm also a Nazi. And I just want to reach out because it's very important that I'm kidding, of course, but you do get a lot of messages from

a lot of different people out there. You don't know who they are. You don't know who's a fucking fed. There's some feds in my inbox, probably, I don't know, keeping tabs on me, maybe not. Some dude who looks like a fucking hot lacrosse player, but it's really a 58 year old in fucking Virginia in an FBI office, just fucking trying to figure out the inner workings of my mind so they can co-op me and weaponize me. The Irishman is a real movie, finally a real movie. I love the best Facebook status I read about the Irishman is a guy being like, you're not going to get it if you're not from certain parts of the East Coast Jersey, New York, Philly. That's why people don't like it. They're not from these parts.

Yeah, it's a guy that spent his life working at Blockbuster. He identifies with the Irishman, the movie about Hoffa. A lot of strong opinions out there in the world were in the month of December, folks. December is such a, as my boomer father would say, good man, as he would say, it's so fast. It all goes by so fast, which it does when you're destroying the world. It accelerates when you're using up all of the resources. Yeah, it just goes so fast. It's all my dad would say at holiday parties. He'd go, where does the time go? Where does it go? It goes to mortgage crisis and it goes to trillions of dollars worth of debt. That's where it goes. It is a fun month. I'm traveling a lot. I'm going to the East Coast a lot,

try to link up with people. Somebody did this to me the other day, which I don't love. They do the dinner sneak where they go, hey, you want to do dinner? And I go, yeah. And they go, oh, great. So and so is going to come. And I'm like, no, no, they're not going to come. You don't do that. You don't ever DM somebody or text somebody and go, hey, let you want to go to dinner because that's a solo invite. Two people dinner is different than dinner with me and somebody else. It's a different game. When you bring somebody else to the dinner, three people dynamic, unless you all know each other well, the dynamic changes. So you got to be up front and go, hey, would you like to do dinner with me and blank? Not, hey, you want to do dinner? I'm under the

impression it's just with you. And then you bring in a demon from hell. And then I have to sit there and eat Caesar salad with, you know, I don't know, but it's just, it's not right. Be up front. These two cats are fighting again, man. They always fucking fight. I don't know what it is. There's a lot of hostility. These are not my cats. I'm living in a home in Los Angeles where the woman that I rent from has abandoned the home. She has gone to New York to live, which is fine. I'm renting it. It's a good deal. It's by the comedy clubs. It's right in the, in central, you know, LA in a nice area. I don't want to tell you really where it is because, fuck, and I don't need people knocking on my door trying to tell me about QAnon.

Okay. Well, I'm waiting for postmates. But what they've done is they've left the two cats here and they, all they talk about is how much they love the cats. They love the animals, but they've abandoned them. They've abandoned the animals that they supposedly love. And, and her and her daughter, I mean, they, they all, you know, when you bring up, they go, oh, is the cat okay? Is the cat okay? Well, come see it or take it. Get it out of here. And when one of the cats dies, which will happen, they're going to be, there's going to be crying and people are going to be upset. But it's like, if you care about the animals, be here for the animals. We've overdosed in this country on animals, dogs and cats. If you are young and you're in

your twenties and you want to accomplish anything, which most of you don't, but if you truly do, you should not have dogs or cats. I'm telling you right now, and this is going to be unpopular with a lot of you, because a lot of you stop fighting. A lot of you, I don't know what they're fighting over resources. There's enough here to get it. They're like territorial over the litter box. Cats are so disgusting. The litter box always smells like shit. Cat food smells bad. Cats are filthy creatures. They're like mops. They just soak up all the dirt and the dust. Things live on them, fleas and ticks. And God only knows there's a whole fucking ecosystem living on these beasts. And dogs are not much better, folks. They're not much better. And I know a lot

of you are going to get angry right now because you don't want to hear this. You don't want to hear this. This is Tim Dillon's holiday message. Are you ready for it? Because I don't shy away from controversy. I had Kyle Kashuva on the Patreon. He's the parkland kid that wants more guns, and he says the n-word, and he lets it fly on Xbox Live. And I had him in my home, and I bought him sushi, and that ungrateful fuck didn't say thank you. And I should have opened some hot lead into his abdomen and see how he liked it because I spent $100 on a sushi platter, and I got three pints of ice cream from Salt and Straw, which was another 50 fucking dollars, where your Patreon money goes is feeding this fucking Jew. And furthermore, he comes into the house, he shits on Ben

for vaping. Ben does vape a lot, but he's made a lot of positive changes in his life, and he doesn't need to hear shit from this little kid, okay? Who's famous because he accidentally didn't get killed? And so if he's yelling at Ben for vaping, and poor Ben gets really mad, and Ben never gets mad at anybody, but Ben's like, hey, man, you know, I used to smoke cigarettes and drink, and now I just vape, and it's like, Ben, don't let this little prick get under your skin. Ben, can you get the, I think that the Poke Bowl is here? That's not a euphemism for crack. That's a literal Poke Bowl. Just sit it on the table. I'll get to it later. The key to the Poke Bowl, folks, is a Sriracha Ponzu. You gotta, the Sriracha, what is it? Sriracha? It's not Sriracha, right?

It's Sriracha. Yeah, that's the move. But anyway, so Kashuva gets here, and we also have Sam Tripoli for an hour, you know, talking about QAnon and Frazzle Trip, and you know, talking about the Hillary Clinton kid cookbook. So that'll be out too. You're missing a lot by not, I'm really giving a fucking, I'm really giving a great unsubscribe from the Patreon pitch right here. So Kashuva gets here, he starts, then he starts shitting on Oscar because Oscar's fat, and everyone knows Oscar from Instagram. He's the fat cat. I'm like, number one, Oscar, if you shave him, is not that fat. He's not morbidly obese. He's a fat cat because cats are supposed to be fat. And then Kashuva's like, no, animals aren't supposed to be fat. It's not natural.

I'm like, what about elephants, bears, whales? There's a lot of fucking animals that should be fat, Kashuva. You know it all, little prick who's 18 years old. He doesn't know anything. Sweet kid, but he was really testing us last night, and he comes in here and he just fucking starts popping off, calling me a boomer because he says that on text, right? It's just out of control. No respect. No respect. Okay? So my point, folks, about the animals is, and this is my, and this is what I mean. I don't shy away from controversy. We bring it to you raw, uncensored. I go at Kashuva. Now, some of you are going to be mad at me because I ask him, I push him on his narrative because he's like, you know, guns, guns, guns. You know, we wish you

a merry Christmas here is an AK-47. And I know that every time I push back a little, I go, wait a minute, is there a better way to do it? All of you get mad because you think, oh, you're a Hollywood shell. You're being paid. No one's taking your guns. What I'm saying is, if anyone comes on the show and I'm going to push back at what they're saying, number one, because it doesn't necessarily make a good episode to agree with somebody. It's actually not a good episode, but many of you are too insecure in your own beliefs. So all you do is listen to people that you agree with already because your lives are meaningless. So you just turn on whatever garbage that someone will agree with you already

because you just want to hear that you're right. So you can go back to your loveless home and choke down a pork chop and then go to sleep knowing that you're in the right. You're in the right side of history, pal. So yeah, I do have questions about guns. I do think there's a better way to do it. You should make guns harder to get. You shouldn't take them away, but you should make them harder to get. No, they're already hard to get. Well, shut up. They're not as hard as they should be. I think most people would agree with that. Most sober rational people would agree with that. So I pushed back a little bit of cashew. Okay. I know that online you roll psychopaths. Most people are in the center. Most people don't care. Most people don't want to, you know,

rehabilitate Stalin or Hitler. That's just not what they do. They're sitting in a cubicle with little Christmas cards on it. They have a family. They're just trying to get by. They're not into, you know, you know, fucking, you know, the extremes. I talk to people all the time and it's like some people just online all day, every fucking day, take a walk, you know? Take a walk. But we have cashew on here and now that cashew's been here, I think everyone should have a gun and most people should get shot. I'm now pro school shootings. Because I've interviewed him. I want no gun restrictions. I want everybody that wants a gun to have a gun. And I want, I want schools to be shot up randomly. So because these fucking 18 year olds, this kid comes over

here. This sushi doesn't say thank you. There's no thank you. Anyway, the point I'm saying about the dogs and cats, here's, here's what I'm saying about dogs and cats for Christmas. If you're having a Christmas event at your house, have the decency to put your dog or cat to sleep before you have your family there. Put them down. Put them down. Especially if you don't have a big home. If your home is not already impressive. If it's not, nobody wants to smell the dog or the cat, the mangy. Put them down. Put them to sleep. And I know it's a controversial message. Put your animals to sleep and focus on yourself. You made a mistake. Learn to love yourself. Get rid of the dog. Get rid of the cat. They do not love you. They just want food. Yes, they're fun to have when you

have a certain, when you've reached something in life, they're fun to have. But when you're struggling, you got to get people to watch your, do you know how many people I see online that have people watch their dog? Can you watch my dog? There's a whole industry of people that bring losers in to watch their animals. Kill them. Put them down. Get rid of them. It's, if you cannot handle the responsibility of having an animal, get rid of it. You are giving yourself an excuse to be a loser. I can't do it. My dog, my cat. You've adopted another person, another life form that's going that is needy just like yourself. You're needy. You need someone to come and feed you. You need someone to come and walk you. Now you've adopted another loser like yourself

who needs constant attention. And then you try to pawn it off on other people because you can't afford, if you're paying, that's one thing. If you have a professional come in, that's a different game. But if you're just pawning your animals off on your friends and family, because and or your children on your friends and family, you should put them to sleep. Your animals and your children, put them to sleep, smother them, smother your children. If you cannot, if you had a child and it's two or three years old, and you just, it's too much pressure, smother them in their sleep. This is, I just sometimes I say lines like that because I, I think it'd be a very funny place to put an ad. Like right after, right after smother your children

in their sleep, I could start talking about Ridge wallet. I just think that's a funny, I'm not serious about smothering your children. I'm not serious about killing your children. I'm really not even serious about putting your animals down. What I'm saying is I'm making a, I'm making a point in a funny way. My point is that far too many people have pets. It's gotten out of control. Far too many people make their pets their identity. It's very sad, and it's very disgusting. And we all see that you're doing it. And listen, I put pictures of Oscar up online all the time because he's funny. Okay. Because he's been de-platformed. He lost his social media account for publishing Nancy Pelosi's address. He's been accused of trying to

violently overthrow the government. He's been kicked off a lot of crowdfunding sites. So when I platform him, it's because he lacks a platform. But enough with the, enough with the animals all the time. You know what I'm saying, folks, use your own judgment. But what I'm saying is you just have to, you know, enough already. My, my aunt, my father and his wife bring their dog everywhere. My father and his wife have three dogs. You want to hear about these dogs? I'm going to tell you about these dogs. Okay. My father is married to a lovely woman. She's very liberal, which is great. Her parents are very liberal, but they're lovely people and I enjoy them. Okay. How liberal is she? Hear the names of the dogs. Fred for Frederick Douglass. By the way, my father and his wife are

white. Just in case you were wondering, white, like I'm white, blotchy, red, Irish, white, pale, translucent, burning, skin cooks like a red lobster in the sun. White, white. Okay. White bars. Suburban white. She might be a little Cuban, whatever. Fred for Frederick Douglass. What's the other dog's name? Maya. For Maya Angelou. Maya is a lily white dog. Maya is a white dog, looks like a white supremacist. The third dog is named, hold on. Ruth for Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Maya Angelou and Frederick Douglass are their three dogs that they have. They brought them to my grandmother's house one year and my uncle Tommy, who is like a drunken lunatic, but I do like because I appreciate that in a person. He has a Make America Great Again hat

and he's great. He's just a fun, he's just a fun guy. You know, he kind of lets it fly when he's doing the barbecue. You know, I think he had some business deal. Didn't go well with Jews once and he's like, maybe little Herschel can't go to summer camp this year. And he's like flipping burgers. I enjoy that. You know, I like when people lean in, you know, he came up to me once. He's like, your lifestyle is no problem with me. I'm like, well, thanks so much. Thanks for calling it a lifestyle. I appreciate it. I, should I go dive aids now on the kitchen floor just to make, you know, so he's nuts. I mean, he's a crazy person, but, but I appreciate that he's, he's, I like like him. I like him better than the liberal people. Like I rather him, you know, this is why

Trump gets elected because you'd rather the great like Kamala Harris drops out today and all these people are, they're throwing a fit. It's like knuckle it down, get ready for the fight. Stop tearing each other apart. You want diversity? I'll support Cynthia McKinney. Do you know Cynthia McKinney is? She's the black four-term Congresswoman from Georgia who punched a fucking cop on Capitol Hill and questions 9-11 all the time. I'll support her phone bank for Cynthia. Hi, this is Tim Dillon. Have you heard about Cynthia McKinney? She just started to, she just wandered into the Gaza strip and just started going crazy one day. I support her, bring her in, pull the lever for synth. But so they got these three dogs. They bring them to my grandmother's house for her birthday.

My uncle Tommy like loses his mind. He's had a few drinks. He's like, you know, you know that my mother hates dogs. You're fucking selfish. You're selfish. Like, and by the way, he's a hundred percent in the right. Leave the animals home. Don't travel with nobody wants your animals in their house. Now Tommy's maybe wrong about a lot of things, race relations, gender dynamics, you know, you know, who, who you shouldn't, shouldn't support in World War II. I don't know, but he was right about that. Get your fucking dogs out of the house. Too much with my dad will just text me a photo of his dog. He's like, hello, Fred says, hello, it's, and I get it because the kids are raised. The kids are raised and

there's nothing really to love except boomers didn't really love the kids that much anyway. The booms, he booms. The boomers really weren't that into the kids. The boomers would bring the kids to do things they wanted to do. That's why me and my generation saw like movies we shouldn't have seen when we were like five because our parents wanted to go. So they would just sit us in the theater next to them while they saw basic instinct while Sharon Stone's getting plowed and you're fucking nine, but it is what it is because your parents weren't going to get a babysitter for you because it was about them. And now the dogs and this is why so many boomers love their animal and I'm not hating on you. Listen, I love animals. Everybody loves animals.

I'm just saying it's a little too much. You know what I mean. We all know what I mean now. There's people walking around New York City pushing strollers with dogs in them. It's fucking insane. It is crazy. And for whatever reason, the boomers have gotten really into animals. The boomers have really gotten into like dogs, little dogs and cats and they're very in they're more into that than they were ever into being parents. So it's very interesting to watch that happen because they're a little older now and they're like, they, you know, they love doting on an animal. I'm just saying as the holidays come up and you're asking people to go to your homes, just keep in mind that not everybody's in love. Everybody loves a dog that's clean and well-capped

and okay, and a cat is fun. But let's not let's not have a barn when you walk in a house. You know what I mean. This house that I'm staying at sometimes when you walk in, it's you like walking into a barn. When I first got here, there were multiple dogs, multiple cats, and you'd be walking in and you hear when you're at somebody's door, I fucking cringe when I'm at somebody's door and I hear the fucking panting and the fucking already already I hear the the collars jingling and the panting and the barking and the screaming because I know I'm going to walk into a pigsty. I'm going to walk into a pigsty. I'm going to walk into a barn and I'm going to walk into a disgusting home that smells like a wet dog or it smells like cat piss. It smells like a cat just

took a piss all over the house and I know people love their animals. I'm not going to keep doing that disclaimer. I'm doing it one more time because I love animals. I don't hate animals, but I think people need to realize that you need to to fucking keep up with you. The animals can't run the house. You know, far too many people you go into their homes, the animals run the house, you sit on the couch, there's five dogs have jumped on you and start drooling, biting, fucking you. My friend just got a dog and you know, everything's about his dog now, which is great. He loves his dog and you know, but he doesn't have time to see his dog that much, but you know, he loves his dog and it helps him learn responsibility, which is good.

And that's, I appreciate that. I respect that. You know, I'm just, you know, I'm going to wrap it up with the animal chunk. I'm just saying, you know, I was in somebody's house the other day, knocking on the door, you're waiting to walk into their home and you're just basically bracing yourself for everything you own to be ruined. And you're bracing yourself for spit and fucking hair, just dog hair and cat hair. And then you're just brushing it off yourself in an Uber, just clumps of hair. And then wherever you're going, you're walking to a meeting, you're walking in somewhere else. You've got a, it looks like you have pubic hair all over your body.

Man's scaped. That'll be a great manscape placement. That's why you get manscaped. Office Christmas parties are coming up, folks. Office Christmas parties. Maybe some of you are throwing them. Office Christmas parties are a lot of fun. Not as much for sober people. They're just not. Many of you are sober. I'm sober. Things are less fun for us now. Own that. Understand that. Stop living in a fantasy world that things are as fun as they used to be. But things are not as fun as they used to be, but they're also not as bad as they used to be.

There is the trade-off. And when you're an adult, you understand that that's what it is. Life is a trade-off. It is not as fun to go to a Christmas party sober. In fact, it's almost pointless. Not completely pointless, but it's almost pointless because alcohol is that social lubricant that allows you to really, first of all, what alcohol allows you to do at Christmas parties is you start looking around at the people that you see every day and you start appreciating them and you start imagining that what's going on constitutes a life, which it doesn't at all. But alcohol allows you to believe that Sue from accounting and you have a bond because that one time she got your name wrong, but then she rushed a change so that you could get paid by Friday.

And remember that, Sue, remember that. And remember when you came in the kitchen and I was like, eyeballing Natalia's lunch and you made that joke, oh, don't steal her lunch. And I didn't. But you always kind of looked at me skeptically, Sue, because of that. And you thought maybe he was stealing lunches and I wasn't. What I was doing, this is all hypothetical. What I was doing is I was looking at what other people ate. That's what I was doing. I wasn't stealing anything. But you need to, why don't you go back to your office and fucking get the names on the checks, right? Because I've worked here for seven months, Sue. So what alcohol allows you to do is when you get really hammered, you don't want Sue to die in a car accident anymore,

which is what you want every day. You want to say hello to Sue. You want to say, how are you? How's your daughter? You have a daughter. Oh, she's going to Northwestern. Isn't that good, Sue? Great. Yeah. And then you make some dumb joke and that's what it allows you to do. You look around at the people in your orbit and you go, oh, these are people and this is a life. I'm living a life. This is a life. This will do. This will do. It's Christmas. I work at a shitty company. We all hate each other. We're all terrified of losing our job. We're working for this fucking trunk loser. This whole thing's probably a Ponzi scheme. We're probably going to be thrown out into the street any minute. But right now there are lights on the bar. There's booze in my cup.

There's a Southwestern egg roll. If you're lucky enough to be at Chili's, if you're lucky enough to be at Chili's, there's a Southwestern egg roll or there's a little shrimp with a tangy fucking, you know, cocktail sauce or, you know, what do they love in Long Island? That bang bang shrimp, that fried shrimp with that chipotle aioli bullshit fire, cracker sauce, where you know exactly what I'm talking about. And you can nibble on that and booze it up while Bald Mike from accounting comes over and tells a couple of street jokes that he heard. And if you have to do that sober, you want to shoot up the whole thing. It's hard to do. It doesn't make any sense because you realize very quickly if you're sober that this is a horror of all the places in my life

I could have ended up to end up in this shitty bar in a strip mall with these losers in this corner of the world is such a human tragedy. Sure, it's not as bad as stepping on a landmine or having cancer or getting fucked every day by senators or having a fucking, you know, an adoption go wrong and then you're getting burned with cigarettes. I get it. People have worse problems. But if you're a sentient human being and you're self aware and you look around and you have to fuck and have another conversation with Denise, Denise, who talks only about the one time she went to Aruba and that she's saving up for another cruise so she can take her plump, fat Italian ass and put it on the top deck of a carnival ship so she can tan. And when I tan,

I'm basically black. I'm basically black when I tan. I'm black. I'm black when I tan. And you have to sit there and you have to listen to these people, these mouth breathers that don't have any idea that they too are locked in this hell, that they're in this fucking simulation, but they are not cursed with self awareness like you are. They are like animals. They don't have the power of reason. They don't think they just fart and fuck and move and the pedal to the metal and then they stop the car and start the car, open the door, close the door, take a shit. I'm hungry. I'm not hungry. Cocaine, nostril, boom. That's what they do. But you, for whatever reason, have been cursed like much of humanity with a little self awareness. So when you're at that bar and maybe you're a

little early and you're waiting in your car because you don't want to be the first one there, but you're not going to go home first because if you go home first, you know you're not going to fucking go. You know you're not going if you go home first. So you get to the place a little fucking early because God forbid you work a little harder at work. So you get there a little early and you're just in the bar and you get there and you're alone. And the only person who's there is fucking Ralph and Ralph's creepy as fuck. And he's probably a pedophile. You don't know, but he's fucking weird because he talks about high school girls a lot and that makes you very uncomfortable. And Ralph is there and you're like, fuck, I don't want people walking in and seeing me and Ralph

there. But who walks in the boss and he walks in because you're standing there with fucking Ralph and you're like, fuck, and the boss is there just to make sure everything goes well tonight, you know, because he knows he's running a scam, but at least he's got to keep everyone invested in it once a year. He throws a stupid shitty Christmas party. We got a tray of wings, a shaving dish of, you know, balsamic chicken, some penne alla vodka, and you walk around, you commiserate with these fucking adults that you work with and you have to see every day. And at that point, some booze and a few hits off a fucking blunt or a vape can really go a long way. A nice cold cigarette when you're all lubed up with some kettle one can really help a holiday

party just sail by. It almost might be fun. It starts to get fun because you start to realize it's not that bad. Things aren't that bad. Things aren't that bad. Look where other people are. That kid you grew up with, he's dead. Remember him? No one. He just disappeared one day and they found him in a lake. What happened to him in those final hours? You'll never know, but you're in Long Island. It's okay. There's movie theaters and Italian restaurants and girls that might suck your dick if you buy an eggplant parmesan. Things aren't that bad. And sure, you didn't really do anything with your life and you're just floating around. You're 25 years old. You're sexually weird and confused. You can barely perform with women. You don't have that many

friends left. Many of them have passed you by and they threaten you so you get them out. It's fine though because at the end of the day, these people at this shitty job see promise in you. Do they really? Let's be honest. They hired you before you even said anything. They just needed a warm body in their office to convince themselves what they were doing was fucking reasonable. But hey, it doesn't matter. It's not that bad because you can call that fat girl again, your bone last month. Maybe she'll be involved and then you can just fuck. Not even because you enjoy it just because you can say to yourself, well, I'm fucking, I'm part of it. Things are going to happen. You can imagine that shitty little levitt home you'll buy in a few years when

you just save your money and your parents are proud of you because you finally have a basement apartment in Hicksville with four Micah counters. Okay. So things aren't that bad. You're not in jail. You're not in prison. You're not dead. You know, it's a fucking, it's what you do. You measure yourself against the absolute lowest of the low. You say to yourself, Hey, I'm not shooting up schools. Look at me. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just here and maybe it's a dead end job. And maybe I have nothing left and I have nothing in common with these people and every passion that I have, I've extinguished because they've all frightened me, but it doesn't matter because I had a few kettle ones and I smoked a joint and Ralph's kind of funny now. And Denise, she's a big goofball.

She's saving for a cruise. You know, when she tan, she looks black. She's got a big fat ass. And you might fuck that ass. Who knows? It's weird. But then there's another guy in the office, Clark. He's kind of gender non specific. Would you let Clark blow you in a bathroom? You don't know. That's for the third or the fourth drink to tell. And you actually start liking your boss, even though he's clearly a criminal and he'll probably be in jail in a few years. What he says makes sense about hustling and grinding and just making it happen. He didn't need a college degree. You know, he didn't need, you know, any discernible talent or skill. He just kept pushing through, kept calling old people and telling them they should remortgage their house.

Okay. And you just followed that because you wanted to prove that you're a real man with Alexis. And in those situations, it is so essential, so essential to have a cocktail, a stuffed mushroom. I mean, this is what I'm going to lie to you. I'm not going to tell you, I'm not going to tell you that it's going to get better. It's not going to get better. The things that I have to do for my own business sober, after my Netflix special, I went to the Netflix party and it was embarrassing because Netflix had like a bucket of hummus that they poured on the floor and all these poor comedians got on their hands and knees and lapped it up like, like street cats in an alley. I was, of course, appalled by this. And I looked at my manager

and I said, I'm leaving. And I went with my friends Eric Taylor and Laura Savers for funny comics from Boston to a local waffle house where we witnessed almost a fight, but it was, it was, the waffle house has guards, but listen, it was late at night and people were passionate. My point is that waffle house with two close friends was much better than a shitty party. Now, many of the other comedians enjoyed that. They enjoyed hobnobbing with agents and managers and networks. They like scum. You know, they like vapid shells of human beings. They want to walk around and feel like they're important. They want to really luxuriate in that moment. To me, I hate it. I'm disgusted by it. I want to leave immediately because it's low rent shit. It's low

rent shit. It's comedy. It should be. Okay. It's not a fucking velvet rope. It's not a fucking VIP section. You're not getting head in the back of one oak or 10 maple or whatever the fuck these places are. You're in a shitty hotel bar with some executive from Netflix eating hummus. It is not an accomplishment. It is an embarrassment. It's another word that sounds like it. I can, I can see how you would get them confused. So you run away if you have any sense. I have to go to parties all the time and I stand there sober and I realize I don't really enjoy many people and it's not their fault nor is it mine. It's just the way it is. And booze would help that and weed would help it and pills would help it, but that's okay. It's okay because I realize

that those things also have many, many negative, many, many negatives and some people I really do enjoy and it makes the person you do connect with sober all the more meaningful and important, you know, maybe whatever. The point is you can't relapse folks. You can't go back. You can't go back. That's the point. That's what I'm trying to tell you because you're going to find a way out of that life. If you sober up, if you fucking have a lot of people fucking messaging me about drugs and alcohol, a lot of people, if you find a way to sober up yet you got a few soap, you got a few shitty Christmas parties ahead of you, you're going to find your way out of there. You're going to find a way to do something that you really fucking enjoy. That's what it is. Survival is not

only about finding food, water and shelter. It's about finding something that doesn't make you miserable to do. You'll find that, you know, or you'll find a way to make more money being miserable. I don't know. And then find a hobby you like. It's not my business. I'm just saying, I'm not going to lie to you because the month of December is very tough in terms of sobriety. It's tough for a lot of people. Many people, you know, they talk about their family Christmas. They like getting fucked up on their family Christmas. But to me, it was always the office Christmas party. And you know, when I was in mortgages, you would not only go to your party, but you would go to the parties or the real estate agents or the title companies. You would,

you would hit a few different office parties, you know, and even the bars and restaurants in your area, they all seem festive. And when things seem festive, it seems like a fun time and you should just booze it up. It just seems fun. Every day is a party. Thursday night's a party. It's a party. And you can all just go out and really get fucked up. But you just can't do it unless you're in the throes of it and you're not ready to stop. Then just don't drive. Get an Uber. Get a cab. Because I get it. When you're ready to let it go, you let it go. But there is no place that booze to me serves more of a function than an office Christmas party. I know that obviously when you go out Friday, Saturday night, you're trying to get laid. That's a huge thing. Guys and

girls, heterosexuals, a big deal. Gay dudes, it's not as big of a deal. Most of them are on drugs anyway. I would imagine. I think most of them are not all of them. The dudes I hang out with, they're barely gay. They don't come out. They're very weird. They're like, they're not in the gay scene. So I don't really know. But most of the gay guys in the area that I live in seem to be on crystal meth. I don't know if that's the case or not. But they also seem to have a lot of money. They seem to be doing well. I don't know. Is crystal meth a problem? Maybe not. I don't know. The point is, I know people, Rogan Fitzsimmons talked about it the other day. It's like men and women hitting on each other sober. It's weird. But when you talk about social interactions,

the office Christmas party calls for getting fucked up. There's no other time that calls for booze more than that party. Because you kind of know these people. You spend your life with them, but you don't. It's a very interesting co-workers or very interesting. They're not your friends, but they are your friends. You see them more than your friends. You see them more than your family. But there's that understanding that if you will get fired or if you quit, it's over. No office friendships ever last. It just doesn't happen. Don't DM me and tell me that yours did. I don't care. You're a loser if that's the case. When you walk out of that office, it's kind of over. You might see that person a few months later. You might have a French onion soup,

but that's it. Because your bond is being in the trenches, whatever those trenches are, whatever they are. And then your bond could grow into other things, but it's really contingent on where you work. So when you go out for that Christmas party, jokes hit so hard in an office setting because everybody understands the premise. Everybody knows Doreen. Everybody knows she's full of shit. So when you crack on her, everybody explodes with laughter. A really great comedy show is the same thing. It's like everybody gets the premise. They get what you're doing, and they get why you're saying it. That's why if your fans come out, it's so much better of a show because they understand you, that your point of view.

When you attack a subject, they get it. You have to do less work bringing them in. They're already there. And that's why some of the hardest laughs I've ever gotten outside of stand-up comedy have been in an office and specifically at an office Christmas party because that's the time to bring out your A material. Everybody's shit-faced. Everybody knows the premise. They understand things. Oh, the government's fucking us. We all got to take this new licensing exam. They're cutting our commissions. The company's fucking us. There's that moment in an office Christmas party where somebody comes up to you and you don't really know that person that well, but you have this interaction that you feel is really meaningful. And then you see them

the next day at the office and you realize that you hate that person. But it's that one magical moment where you have a conversation about a hockey game you were both at. And then the next day at work, you're like, oh, yeah, I hate him and he hates me. And you can never not hate each other because that's the way it's supposed to be in the world. But it was that one beautiful moment at the office. There's also that amazing little huddle that you all have when you're all smoking cigarette. And by the way, if you don't smoke cigarettes at an office Christmas party, fuck you. I don't care if you have emphysema and you have to smoke it through a hole in your throat. That is an office Christmas party. You smoke that fucking cigarette. You do it nine months pregnant.

You do it. You do it however you need to fucking do it. Don't fucking when you go out and you smoke cigarettes and like usually it's the boss and he's got a team of guys, you know, four or five guys and your women, whatever. And it's, you know, he's smoking a cigarette. And he's just kind of giving you, you know, it's like he's giving you it's not really a pep talk. But it's just kind of a, you know, it's like a year in review type of thing. And there's something nice about that because he's like, let me relate to you as a human being, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna talk to you as a person and maybe you share some story from the past and, you know, you're there and you're like, oh, this, you know, he at that moment, what he's trying to do is

convince you that he doesn't look at you like a piece of shit, which he does. And he has no reason not to. But in that moment, he's just drunk enough and he realizes the responsibility he has, he has to like look at you like a person and talk to you like a person because he needs people to work at the company. And he doesn't need you to go back to college or fucking, you know, move to fucking another country or whatever you're considering, you know, or kill yourself, he needs moved to another country. It's like, who's my audience and not moving to another country. But you know what I mean, moved to another county, maybe county, I meant county. But I, so that if somebody says to me,

what do you miss? Like, what do you miss about drinking? You know, I kind of miss an office Christmas party. And I, and I, that I'm reminded of that in December. I'm reminded of that in December. And I've been a really shitty ones. I've been a bad ones. I've been the ones that where they bring in a hero into the office, because things are really fucked. And it's been a bad year. And they bring in a big hero and some macaroni salad, and people just start making drinks in the office. It's I've been in some bad ones. I've been in those are the worst because people are not making that much money. They're pretty depressed. And it's, it's very safe. You're in an office Christmas party in your office. You're fucked. I mean, it's just,

it's not, it's not a good sign. You got to be at least somewhere else. You got to be somewhere else. There's no other way. There's no other way that it works. How many times do I have to tell you people that you need to change your life? You need to get new outlook. You need to remove negative toxic people from your life and also positive people. That's something nobody tells you. You also have to get rid of positive people too. Negative people is that goes without saying, but many positive people also have to go. That's just a fact. And we're back. We're in. We just got back from the comedy store raining in LA when it rains here. There's no reason to be here. The city smells like shit. Not a lot of people leave their home. They don't go out. It's pretty bad. The city

is not designed to handle any rain. There's no, I guess, what's the term irrigation or flood system? I mean, it's whatever. It's bad. It's bad. It's fucked. It's fucked, man. It's fucked. What are you going to do? Go down to Florida. Go down to sunny Florida. But yeah, for all of you struggling with sobriety issues over the holidays, fuck, and I hear you, you know, I get it. I know what it's like. I sobered up in 2010, and I haven't really had anything to drink. I haven't smoked any weed or taken pills. I haven't done any drugs since then, you know? I mean, it is really fucking amazing. Fat Oscar, the cat just jumped up. He jumps up. As soon as we start podcasting, he jumps up on the equipment

because he wants to do a podcast, but Apple will take it down. Like he wants to say things that can't be said. He's just a problem. When I look back, though, I think December was my favorite month to use drugs and alcohol since I was a little kid. Since I started smoking weed, there was something so much fun about walking around my town when the Christmas lights were out and I was smoking weed. They're fucking going at it again. I'm trying to focus, guys. Get them out of here, man. They got to go. You got to go, guys. I'm trying to focus, and this little cat is fucking Oscar up. Oscar is this big fat mess, but it's very interesting. It's like MMA, watching them go at it, and Oscar just says, no, his reflexes are not good. He's just a fucking mess, man,

and he's really getting his ass handed to him, and he deserves it, which is why if it was up to me, they'd both be put to sleep, which is what I told you to do with your pets earlier in the episode if you remember. But walking around my town when I was 14 years old, smoking weed with my buddy, all the fucking Christmas lights were out. There was something fun about it. There was something festive about it, and then I remember as I would get older and then somebody had a car, you would go drive around these really wealthy areas in Long Island and fucking all the Christmas lights would be out, and it was just a fun time to be fucked up. It just is. Month of December just is. For other people, it was the summer. I like doing fucking drugs in the summer too.

Don't get me wrong. I like doing drugs in the fall, the spring, the winter. None of that mattered, but the month of December to me was just a great month. I love doing drugs the month of December. There was something about it. I remember a lot of my, when I can look back at a lot of the times that I remember with my friends getting fucked up, they were around the holidays. It was Christmas break. It was parties. It was as you get older. It was fucking office parties and fucking going out to bars and everybody, you know, there's something stupid about Christmas lights that just make you feel like your behavior is warranted. There's just something about hanging Christmas lights on the outside of a house that makes it okay that you're doing cocaine in front of someone's

children. I don't know what it is. You just feel festive. You're just like, I guess it doesn't matter that we're doing cocaine with a pregnant woman because she's got an elf on the shelf, you know? I don't know what it is, but you know it's true. You know I'm not lying. There's just something about it that makes it feel okay. The worst food. You can eat the worst food, ice cream and cupcakes and cookies and hot chocolate. There's fucking something about it. It's the month of December. You turn on the radio and there's that Don Mariah Carey song and, you know, I don't wanna laugh, fuck it. I mean, and it's all okay. Like it doesn't matter that I'm drinking, you know, 1200 calories of caramel hot chocolate right now. This is December. I've earned this.

This is the fucking month. That Mariah Carey song, by the way, is the official song of every, like, fat, you know, curvy, sorry ladies, body positivity time, curvy Long Island woman driving around like a mall. I don't wanna laugh, fuck Christmas. And she's just drinking a Starbucks venti, you know, fucking, you know, cappuccino and she's just driving home to her house, you know, in Roslyn, you know, that her parents own. It's worth, you know, $2.4 million. Her dad's, the shady Persian real estate dealings or whatever. And her, you know, her mom just sits around and takes Vicodin and, you know, puts lipstick on. Reapplies lipstick all the time and scratches herself. But so I know how tough it is out there. So if you're fucking getting fucked up in December,

enjoy it, own it. But if you're not, you know, sober up and realize it is not a good month. It's actually not fun. All of this sucks. It's not good. The crowds, the people, it's, you know, there's something to be said for it, certainly. But, you know, embrace the hatred of it too. Sober up. Don't dull your senses. You know, lean into how silly it is. And, you know, this isn't the real meaning of Christmas going out and eating fucking cupcakes and, you know, getting, you know, buying a fucking dildo with Bitcoin for your sister-in-law. The real meaning of Christmas is fucking, you know, the real true meaning of Christmas is being fucking rich, really rich. You know, that's the real meaning of Christmas,

having a lot of fucking money, having simple decorations, a candle in each window, nothing gaudy. Stop with those inflatable things on the lawn. Stop it. Have a little class. I'm going to tell you how to decorate for Christmas. I know many of you that listen to the show literally are lost. So here's what. Now, many of you don't own homes and you can, oh, can I decorate my apartment? No. This is to the people that own or rent homes. I'm sorry if you have an apartment. You don't get to decorate it. You don't get, yeah, put a little Christmas tree next to your microwave. You know, listen, I'm not judging you. I live in that crazy bitch's house. The point is, this is for people that have a home with multiple windows. Or if

you have a really nice apartment and you have, maybe you can also apply this to your thing. You know, I'm not talking, if you own a condo, I'm not shooting on you. I'm just saying, listen, you know, if you live in a bomb shelter, it's going to be a limited amount you can do. I've always been a fan of the single candle in each window because it's Christmas, but it's very creepy as well. And I like, Christmas should have a creepiness to it. It's not overbearing like Halloween, but you should realize that it's, you know, it's really another year. It's the end of the year. It's the death of the year. There's a coldness to it. And there's a severity to it. And you should embrace that. I really believe that's why the best Christmas movie is what? Ben,

what is the best Christmas movie? Let's see if you know it. Now, Ben has been raised in a, he was raised in a, you know, in a, in a, in a, in a Texas rodeo town and, you know, what is the best Christmas movie based on what I just said? Think about it. Don't fire off an answer like you usually do because you're always wrong. The best Christmas movie. Now, again, the season folks is severe. If there's a severity to the Christmas season and this is what we're losing, it's not fucking silly. That's why when you sober up, you'll start to realize that it is not just silly. And I want to bring back a severe Christmas. What is the best Christmas film? A Christmas Carol. Not only is it not the best film, but it is such a basic bitch answer that I

want to come over there and I want to strangle you with the, with the microphone cord. Okay? But you'd probably get off on it because you're a sick repressed Texas fuck. You wouldn't know what to do. Here's the point. The best Christmas movie is it's a wonderful life. That is the classic fucking movie. It's a wonderful fucking life. And if you disagree with me right now, crash your fucking car. Oh, it's Gremlin. No, it's not. It's not jingle all the way. It's not bad. It's, it's a wonderful fucking life where a black guy plays an angel. Isn't that true? Look that up. And that's nice that he does that because there's fucking, you know, everybody's represented. And the thing about it's a wonderful life is there's a severity to it. It's about a guy

and you know, everything sucks and he's on a bridge and he wants to kill himself, but an angel tells him not to kill himself. Clarence. Clarence, right? Yeah, he's not black though. Is he not a black guy? He's an old white guy. The film is good folks is my point. I thought it was the black angel. I'm mixing up movies. It's a wonderful life is the best movie. I also like Scrooge, but that's not the point. The point is there's severity. Ben's always got to ruin everything. There's, it's a severe film. It's a wonderful life. It's great. So what, here's, here's what I mean when I talk about decorations in the, I like the Windham Hill Christmas collection. It's like a piano music.

It's very somber. There's a sadness and a somberness. I, not a lot of peppy Christmas crowds do this becoming somber Christmas house. I'm telling you, it's very important. The Windham Hill Christmas, I'll find out the exact one. It's kind of piano. It's very somber, sad, but nice. You reflect, you know, you sit in your chair, you go, remember what happened? Where's that guy? That guy's dead. You know, and then you just have a nice like, you know, candle in every window, nice Windham Hill music in the house. My mother, when I was young, used to have these things that I never really liked. They were the, you know, the, the, the, they were in the window. You would put these dolls in the window. It's a big thing in Long Island

and they'd all have a candle and the candle, it was in their hand and they would go left to right. Yes. Like back and forth. My mother would, you know, she really loved decorating. She, because she was insane, but also because that was what, you know, you did when you lived in Long Island, you had a house, you would make a display. And my mother would put these dolls in the window and it was a big deal. And I mean, decorating was a huge thing. It took weeks. My mom was super into it. I mean, I don't think you have to do that. I think you could just put a single candle and each, you know, do it, do a nice Christmas tree, but very taste, do it, do it, be tasteful, tasteful and have it, have it be somber, have it be somber, a nice wreath on

the door. It should look, even if it isn't expensive, it should all look expensive. That's what Christ would want if he existed, which he probably didn't, but it doesn't matter. We're a real primitive race of people on this planet and we're almost done, which is why I'm happy to be. I'm happy to be at the end because when you look around, you go, we have, we don't deserve to make it to the next phase and we won't. Machines will come in and they will, they will take over and we're ready for it and we need it and I'm happy it's happening. Okay. Also, also what you could do is you do like, you know, a little nothing, you know, maybe a nice little ribbon or something around that, you know, do, I, you know, sometimes those 1950s

lights are nice, the big colored bulbs. I remember my mother, when I was a little kid, I was in, I was in plays. I was an actor when I was little. I started acting when I was like six and the first guy that put me in this play was a guy named Scott. He was director and he's dead now. And he had a winter wonderland in his, in the basement of his Long Island house, you know, he was a gay guy. I don't think he ever told, he lived with his dad. His dad was like a real weird guy. I don't think he ever told his dad he was gay, but he did have a winter wonderland in his basement. So that might have given the dad some idea that there was something going on. There was no wife, but there was a winter wonderland like to the guy, and winter wonderland,

I mean, the guy would have like all these dolls and all these like, it was just a big deal thing. And I remember my mom took me and my father there and we like walked downstairs and this guy lived in this house and his father was like a psychopath. His father was like one of these Long Island guys that I think was in a war and just stayed in the war forever and had like combat helmets and guns and knives all over his room. He was just waiting for the next war and his son was downstairs, you know, with like a winter wonderland fucking display in the basement. It was a very interesting change from the first floor of the house to the basement. And me and my father and my mother would like, we went over this guy's house, we walked around downstairs into this fucking thing and my

dad was like, what the fuck is this? I mean, it was great. It was like the level of detail, how meticulous it was. It was one of the first examples I had of somebody that was so meticulous and detailed about, you know, something, they were just obsessed with it and nobody would see it unless they knew him, like it wasn't in his window or anything, it was the basement of his house. So he'd have to kind of bring people in and when you walked in the living room was just like a regular shitty Long Island house and then you'd have to walk downstairs and then you would see this winter wonderland display and it was wild. I always think about that sometimes. I think about like what that guy was about, like what he was about, just being, living in that house in Long

Island, having that dad that probably hated him or maybe liked him. No, didn't like him, but maybe it was a, maybe they got along. I don't know. You never know. You know, I don't, I don't know. What do I know? But going downstairs every night and just creating this world, this winter wonderland world in the basement of this fucking Long Island house, you know, while your father's upstairs loading his gun and preparing for the next battle, like what a wild country this is. You know, what a genuinely wild country this is. And that's why the whole thing, where everything's political now, you just, I mean, how do you politicize that? How do you make that into Republicans and Democrats and bigger, small government? The truly fascinating shit in this

country is just how insane it all is, you know, and, and, and you can't distill that to politics. You can't just think about people's lives and the proximity, how close they live to each other and these lives and these crazy things you'll never know about people. You'll just never know what people are into, what their passions are, what excites them, you know? Most people just labor away at things they hate because they have to. It's just shitty, you know? And you'll never know like what that person was like. You'll never know like, you know, that you'd be like, oh, this person loved the clarinet, you know, or, or, or this guy likes, he likes torture porn, you know, that's his, that's his thing, you know, and that's, you'll never know like what

different subcultures people really get into. It's like, but it's just so crazy. I always think about that. That to me, like that type of creepiness of Christmas, not over, not Halloween scare boo guy, but it almost just scarier Halloween. Like it's a deeper, I think about that guy in his basement, just make, you know, crafting this little world where he could just go down there and be in this winter wonderland where all these dolls had these candles and everything, and he would just go down there and get away from his life and spend time down there while his father was upstairs, just, you know, choking down Salisbury steak or whatever. And the, the darkness of that moment, the idea of it to me, you know, when I think about Christmas, I think about things like that,

because he loved that winter wonderland was like, he invented this little, and then he just died. I think he had an aneurysm or something. I forget he was just kind of, he just doesn't exist anymore, that guy, but it was just an interesting, it's an interesting thing when you think about this month. It's a dark month. Let it be dark. Don't have to fight that. There's a beauty to that. There's something special and interesting about that. It's not, there is a lot of funny shit. There's a lot of funny movies and stuff, but there's a darkness to it that I don't, it doesn't have to be silly. You know what I mean? Embrace what it really is. You don't have to get hammered and goofy. I mean, you know, unless you're young and it's fun and whatever or you've earned it or you

think, you know, I mean, but there, you can really just settle into what it is, which is the end of the year. It's the end of the cycle. The cold comes and the snow comes and everybody dies, you know? And that's, that's how I think of it. That's why I like that really somber Christmas music, you know? It's just, it prepares you for new, and then January is just death. And that's my birthday, January 22nd. I came into the world with the height of death, the coldness, the frost, you know? And then, and then things start to come alive again in the spring, but the winter is important. So I always think about that guy. Remember Scott? Scott, he was the director. And I mean, not of anything important. I mean, he, you know, he directed plays at the local school,

you know? And interesting, man, interesting stuff. You know, and he had fun, you know, he had a, he had a fun life. It wasn't a horrible life. He had friends and freaks that he was, you know, that friends with that they'd go out to diners after shows. And, you know, that was, that was my first glimpse into what people's lives were like when they were outside of the mainstream. You know, people were out because a lot of these people were, you know, the theater group, they were like, they were fucking, what did they do? They were, they were teachers or they were, some guy was a mailman. Some lady worked at a bank, like they had jobs. They weren't making any fucking money. But then they would be in these shows and they would go out, you know, to eat after rehearsal

or after the show. And it was like something for them to do. And it took them outside of their lives, you know? And that was the first glimpse I had of that. And I was six or seven, I remember internalizing that and being like, it's just fun to go to a diner late at night, because that's like the ultimate fuck you to the world. I remember it's seven. I was like, oh, no one cares. You go, you go out late at night, you just say, you know, you sit, you say what you want, you laugh, you don't have to go to bed, you don't have to get up for school, even though I did have to get up for school. But I was like, these people can just do what the fuck they want. It was my first, then when I got older and I understood it, I was like, oh, that was their escape.

That wasn't their life. Like that was their life. That was the part of life they liked or enjoyed, but their, their life was that bank or that fucking, you know, job at FedEx or whatever. They were able to get out of that and do these shows. It was just interesting looking back at it. It was my first glimpse of people that and none of them really thought they were going to make it. There was no idea that they were going to get to the next level that they were going to support themselves. Many of them were either well in the middle age. They just enjoyed it. It was, and some of these people were so fucking talented and, and I've looked up some of them on YouTube and they're still fucking talented and they're still doing shit in Long Island. There's just

theater in Long Island, you know, you know, and I feel, I feel guilty kind of when I YouTube them, you know, when I, when I see what they're doing, because I'm, I'm the most famous person in the world now. And I wouldn't, if, if any of them said hello to me, I would literally spit on them. And then I would have people that I walk around with, pull a gun on them and, and, and, and just no, I just, I feel guilty because I was able to, to make money doing something I liked. And that's a tough thing. And, and, you know, not everyone gets to do that. That's kind of a cool thing to do. I don't know how long that'll last or, you know, if I'll end up blowing my brains out, probably both, you know, it'll probably last a while and I'll also probably

end up blowing my brains out, but I'll get a lot of people first. Don't you worry? No, I'm kidding. But what I, it was just interesting. That whole, that whole idea of that was the, that was the first glimpse I had of like, oh, some people just, you know, they, they, they, they, they escape. And December feels like where we all feel like we escape. We put lights on the houses. We all pretend to give a shit about each other. We all, you know, talk to people we haven't seen in forever. We forced to social interactions. We go to the holiday parties. We lube it up with, with booze. You know, it's just fun. Everything's, everything's supposed to matter a little bit more and everything like that. But there's an underbed. There's, there's another

side to it that's a bit more serious and darker. And that side, you appreciate when you sober up. And when I saw, if that excites you, the idea of just having a little bit of a colder Christmas this year, you know, there's something nice about being sober and sitting there in judgment of everyone around you. I'm telling you, there's something beautiful about that. Just sitting here and looking at your family and judging them, looking at them and going, what the fuck is, what are they about? That's, you know, interesting. And then judging yourself, turn it inward, turn it right onto you. But I do love this month that I, I, I, I do miss it. If I'm honest with you, I do miss, you know, you know, going to a holiday party, getting real fucking boozed up

and having a forced conversation with someone, there's not, there's no greater feeling than going into something you think is going to suck and then having a lot of fun, whether it's a comedy show that you're doing, whether it's a date, whether it's a fucking chat. It's a challenging thing. You think this is going to suck. And then you go, oh, this is fucking great. And if it's a good holiday party, that's what it feels like you go in, you're like, oh, I'm just going to get this over with. And then, you know, sometimes it just becomes epic, you know, and then you fuck someone you shouldn't or whatever, or, you know, you just say something you shouldn't, you know, and the booze is a big part of that. But, you know, if you sober up,

you can always just go down to your basement and build that little winter wonderland you can escape to, you know, two or three o'clock in the morning while everybody's asleep, you're like one of Santa's elves working in your little winter wonderland making a perfect little Christmas village. And then upstairs you're your father snoring and dreaming about Hitler. You know, I always think about that. It's a real, it's a wonderful Christmas. It's a wonderful Christmas memory. You know, that's really, that's what it's about. But, but, you know, this is a fun month. I do enjoy it. And you've got some exciting episodes on the podcast coming up. We have a lot of fun stuff. The Patreon, we had Kyle Koshuvan. I said a lot

of fun things about him. Nice things about him in the beginning of the show. We also have Sam Tripoli. Sam Tripoli is coming up next week. We talk about his channel getting taken off YouTube. He goes into some, you know, we talk, we talk a lot. We talk a lot about what his read is on Trump on the, you know, what's going on with the deep state, with the dynamics of all these intel agencies and Trump. We talk a lot about that. We talk, we talk a little bit, not too much about Epstein, but Epstein comes up, you know, me and Sam, we go deeper. I mean, Epstein is like pop conspiracy now. It's in the news, but me and Sam go super deep. So, you know, it's an interesting episode. I think if you have an interest in that stuff,

you know, Sam lays out what he believes that he thinks is going on. And as always, you never know, but it's, you know, he brings us a really interesting possibilities, you know, the Patreon is growing. We appreciate everybody that's subscribed to it, you know, getting some extra episodes. We're going to get some more people on that Patreon. We've got some big guests coming up in 2020. We're going to do video podcasts or coming back in 2020. But the reason that we're not doing them in December is we're broadcasting from our porch in LA. It's gotten very cold. We can no longer do that. So we're going, we're looking at a few different places, but we found a place we think we like. We're going to start with the studio and we're going to be

doing video podcasts for the YouTube channel. That's all going to be happening in 2020. So don't complain. Don't be upset. It's all coming. It's all coming. We have, we have really cool shit planned live standup shows happening all over the place, timdilloncomedy.com tickets. We have our life in the big city shirt. It's probably when this comes out, this will come out Sunday. You don't have a lot of time left to get it. Let me tell you, this is coming out. You've got how many days left, Ben? When this comes out, you'll have five days left to get the shirt. Five days left to get the life in the big city shirt and or hoodie. You'll get it maybe before Christmas, maybe a day or two after Christmas. They ship it on the 23rd. Will you give a fuck?

It's, it's still Christmas until New Year's and you know it. You fucking know it. Between Christmas and New Year, it is Christmas from the 25th till December 31st. December 31st is another holiday that's New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, which my parents used to have a great big party. We had filet mignon. My mother made cream spinach. We had peach Melba dessert. She'd buy a Sicilian pizza on Long Island, the fat square one and cut it up and then put toothpicks in it and everyone would think it's like pizza bites. It was really great and we did that for many, many years and then of course they decided they didn't love each other and they dissolved their marriage and as an affront to God. But New Year's Day is a great day for rest and then,

you know, everybody starts, starts working again. So you got five days from when this comes out to buy the life in the big city shirt. It comes from an episode of this podcast where I said life in the big city and that's something that my mother's friend Dennis said. Dennis, I was an interesting guy. He lived in my house. He lived in a van in our driveway for a while and he still dispensed a lot of advice while living in a van. Not that he didn't own the van, by the way. He lived in my mother's van but he still would give advice. That's a special kind of person that while living in a van that he doesn't own in the driveway of a house he doesn't own, still be able to give you advice. It's an interesting guy. And no matter what happened in

his life, no matter how bad things got, his kids wouldn't talk to him, his friend died, whatever. He would just shrug and say, life in the big city and he would smoke Marlboro reds and he would drink wine out of a Burger King cup and he would just, you know, this was the greatest year in the history of all years. The year was 1999. It was pre-911. Where were you in 99, Ben? I was seven years old in Big Spring, Texas. Oh, God. Oh, God. Big Spring, Texas. Jesus Christ. I was in Long Island, New York. I believe I was 13, 14. I was born in 85s. 85 to 95, 95 to 99. I was about 14 years old and it was 1999 and my mother was renting her house out. Dennis had one of the rooms and he would just stare into the fire all day. He'd work all day,

but he'd come home, he would stare into the fire, smoke Marlboro reds. He would say, life in the big city. He had a few different sayings. Some of them are not appropriate to say. Again, these are not sayings that I endorse. I did not say them. These are things that Dennis said. Dennis said a lot. He'd go, there's an N word in the wood pile. I don't know what that meant. That was a saying he had that is not going on a shirt. And then he would say, life in the big city, good life in the big city. And he would just drink the wine, box wine out of a Burger King cup. And a lot of people are like, Oh, where's the Burger King cup on the shirt? Shut the fuck up. Nobody's going to know what that is. Listen, you have the box of wine and the cigarettes. He drank box wine. It wasn't

always a Burger King cup. He could have a cup from wherever it was just a plastic cup that came from wherever it rarely said Burger King on it. You know, Burger King cups, I don't think say Burger King those plastic cups, I forget, you know, so it was just a plastic cup. Sometimes it came from Burger King came from wherever he ended up getting his fucking lunch that day. So it's a great shirt, but he would just say life in the big city. And I remember one of the best examples of it was when his kids tried to reach out to him after not speaking to him for five years, he answered the phone drunk and they never think they hung up on him and they never call back. And my mother said, your kids tried to call you but you were you were drunk. And

and he just said life in the big city. Great. Just want life in the big city. Life in the big. You call my mother the bear. She was a big woman. He'd go the bear. He was the bear is angry with me because I got too drunk. He goes I got too drunk. He goes to talk to my shit kids. He goes the bear is angry. And he would just smoke a Marlboro red and I would just sit down. I would smoke a Marlboro red next to him. My friend Shay would be there. Shay would smoke a Marlboro red and we'd eat baked clams and Dennis would say the N word. And it's not you know, it's you know, it's not like he didn't really say it hatefully. I'm not defending him. You know, he's you know, he's a character. The shirt is not a endorsement of his views even though

he wasn't he wasn't that racist. You know, I think I think that's the way to say that. He wasn't that racist. But that's the deal. Get the merch. Enjoy it by the products that we advertise please if you need them. I mean, if you don't need them, you can just buy them and give them to people. I mean, you know, but it's very important to us that you buy the product so that we can you know, I'd like to advertise real big shit on the show. I'd love to I'd love to get a deal with like chilies. I like chili. I'm like, why doesn't chilies let me just say like to talk about the Southwestern egg roll once an episode or fucking talk about you know, you know, I don't know. I want a big corporate sponsor ice cream, salt and straw or something

like that. You know, I use your product if you listen to this. Thank you for somebody reaching out to me from the Saddle Peak Lodge. I'm going to go back there for brunch. I'm sure it's a good restaurant or just Thanksgiving. We had a rough meal. You know, but I was right. It was that drunk that old drunk woman got hammered. You know, they took her out in a stretcher and then her dirt bag family stayed and had the Thanksgiving there. So I will be going back to the Saddle Peak Lodge and that'll be that'll be a lot of fun. If you have a company that wants to advertise on the show, by the way, if you own a company that wants to advertise on the show, you can you can contact me DM me through Instagram. I do read a lot of those messages. I read all of them. You know,

I don't respond to a lot of them because some of them are insane and I just don't have the time to respond to everyone. If I don't respond to you on Instagram, don't take it personally. It's just because there's a lot of messages. You know, sometimes I'll write, thank you. If you say something I like, sometimes I won't. I try to read them, but I get a lot of messages, but you can contact me and DM me through Instagram. And if you have a company you're interested in advertising on the show, you can contact me. We are going to set up an E because the Instagram system is not a great system. So what we're going to do is we will set up an email. Do we have an email for the show? No. The Tim Dillon show at gmail.com. Email, forget Instagram, forget DMing me. You could DM me

to tell me some other things, you know, you're fucking, you know, your mother's, you know, has approved that Michelle Obama's a man or something. You know, but email the, what is it? The Tim Dillon show at gmail.com. Email the Tim Dillon show at gmail.com if you want to advertise on the show. If you think that we're a good fit for whatever your product or service happens to be. Tim Dillon show at gmail.com. Contact us with opportunities. We've got a live podcast coming up in Toronto in February, which is interesting. I don't do a lot of live podcasts as a solo podcast, but we're going to start maybe doing some more in the new year. And those are some housekeeping notes. Thank everybody for listening, really embraced. I just wanted to give everybody a

welcome to December episode and what December means to me as somebody who's sober. December really means death. That's what it means, but a beautiful death and then a rebirth and then into January, which is also another death. So it's death, a rebirth and then a death. That's kind of what it means, but life, but also life, you know, if you, if you like that life, whatever, whatever, listen to me, whatever gets you people to buy the Ridge wallet. Do you understand? If you want to think December's about life, then fucking do that. Is it about death? Do that. Is Trump a demon from hell? Maybe. Is he a patriot, a freedom fighter? What? Listen, buy the wallet. Don't fuck with me here. I don't care what you believe. It doesn't matter. We're all going to

be dead. They're all going to do what they want Washington. Shut the fuck up. Log off Facebook. Tell Aunt fucking Carol to shut the fuck up or aunt whoever. I like my Aunt Carol. That's not about my Aunt. My Aunt Carol is not the, she's not the divisive one, but it's the reality is do what you're going to do, folks. Stop getting caught up in these fake skirmishes and these wars. They don't matter. Work on yourself. Like Gary Van your truck says, build your fucking business. Gary Vee. What's he saying today? Let's end with some Gary Vee quotes. I want to get pumped the fuck up. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes I wake up and I don't feel like hustling and I don't feel like grinding and I don't feel like building a business. And then I listen or read the

daily Vee and then I, I'm back. Do you know what I mean by that? I'm back because Gary Vee is the greatest business mind of our time because he's company sells ads on Tik Tok. That's business. He makes a lot of money. He's got a lot of money. What are some of the daily Vee quotes Ben right now? What's going? Well, how can I motivate the people? Let's see. A lot of this is just promotional. I'm trying to find a quote. I mean, he literally just tweeted a heart emoji. Right. 53 week retweets 800 likes. Let's see. I got to find because what he's saying with the heart emoji guys is you got to have heart. Okay. Nothing happens without a heart. Ask a doctor. It pumps the blood throughout your body and your business, your body and your business.

Okay. Don't minimize that, Ben. It doesn't seem like that's hard work to type heart, but it is. It's a strategy. So what else? What else is going on? Kindness always prevails. Lean into patience if you're confused. Kindness always prevails. Lean into patience if you're confused. Here's what I like about him. He's not even trying to make these coherent anymore. He's not even trying to make them make sense because he realizes that a lot of the people he's playing to are so brain dead that it doesn't even have to like, I'll do some Gary V quotes. We should do a test where it's like, is it a real Gary V quote or am I making it up? But it's like, here's what I would do if I were inventing

Gary V quotes, right? I would say, I would say, like, that one's such a perfect example of it because he's like, lean into patience if you're confused. It's like, what the fuck are you saying? But I would be like, if I was a Gary V quote, I would be like, I would say something stupid, right? I'd be like, empathy is consistency. And then people would be like, yeah, that's right. I'd be like, empathy is consistency because you have to understand what people are going through all the time, not just once. You got to know your product. You got to know your market. Empathy is the first step to understanding your market. You're understanding people's problems. If you're not understanding people's

problems, you can never understand their solutions. Boom, I'm a guru right there. I just did it. Now I'm a guru. You have to be on TikTok. You should be spending three hours a day on TikTok, liking posts, just trying to understand what's going on. You have to understand the new media landscape. Okay. Empathy is consistency. Consistency is empathy. Lean into patience if you're confused. The Daily V. That's it, folks. That's the show. Go follow Gary V on Instagram, Twitter. I'd love to do his show. I would love to do his podcast. I think me and Gary would have fun. I do not hate him. I think that he serves a purpose. I don't know if the people that follow him serve a purpose. That would be my question. But I do think that Gary serves a purpose. I understand to an extent

what he does. I just think that some of it is wacky. And some of it, you know, as a comedian, I have to call it out because it's fucking insane. That's what it is. It doesn't mean I hate the person. Megan McCain, any of these people that I make fun of, I understand it is what it is. Like, you know, nobody's, you know, nobody's perfect. These are public people. They get everything they say. It's, you know, you know, people are, but when you say crazy shit all the time, you know, it's funny. And if it's funny, I have to point out that it's funny. It's funny when you tweet, kindness is delicious. It's funny. It's funny when you're, you know, David Hogg, they all tweet, it's also general and vague. David Hogg's like, the militarism of

everything is basically shut up. So, and what? What's your, what's your fucking idea? David, David, what's your fucking idea? You're just going to tweet racism's bad. I don't like ring down. Empower women. It's 40,000 likes. Oh, shut up. Shut up. You vapid cuck. You know, be a real liberal. Go to Gaza. Blow yourself up. I respect those people. You understand? Do you know how, how I would, so respect, if I was sitting at a table and somebody said to me, my cousin's a suicide bomber, I'd go, fuck yeah. I hope he's not here tonight, but fuck yeah. I go, that's so interesting. You know how much I relish that I want that in LA instead of somebody go, oh, my cousin works at Hulu. Do you know how much more I'd rather go,

somebody go, yeah, my cousin's a suicide bomber. Oh yeah. He's, you know, strapped a, strapped a bomb to himself and he blew, you know, I'm not saying that deaths of innocence are good. I'm not saying that. I'm saying that's an, you know, a person that becomes a suicide bomb after you've spent a lot of time talking to people that work at Viacom. Someone who works as a suicide bomber, or is in that line of work, or is it terrorist or knows terrorist? That's interesting. It's like, what's that world like? What's it like? Maybe it's not better than working at Hulu, being a terrorist. It probably has downsides. I don't know. I'm not saying that it's better to be an ISIS than work in Hulu. I think it is, probably.

I just think it's, it's just more interesting is what I'm saying. I'm getting in all kinds of trouble folks. I think we got to go. We got to go. I, you know, at a certain point, we, we reach a certain point in the program. I'm trying to, I'm trying to make points, but I'm making them sloppily. I'm making them sloppily. You know what I'm saying. If you were out to dinner with somebody and they said, hey, my brother's a suicide bomber or something, you know, you, you would just be like, it's the same dude. If somebody said, my brother's a murderer, he's a serial killer. My cousin's a serial killer. You would be interested. That's what I'm saying. It would be interesting. Okay. And I use Gaza as an example. It really could be anywhere. Don't DM me and be

like, actually the seven day war, it's like, enough. It's not my beef. Fucking Irish from Long Island. You solve it. You figure it out. Not my fucking beef. My people have been shit on forever until they want to come to a country like mine and make a fucking movie about knights and dragons. Not even Game of Thrones. Well, I think they did shoot some of the Game of Thrones in Ireland. Did they? Probably. Don't look it up. Stop. You fucking, you're such, you're such a sloth. Jamie Vernon is so good bringing things up. You're such a dumb Texas sloth. You can barely pull anything up. Everything Ben does, he makes it out to be so much. He's like, it's so much work. It's so much work. I just can't even do it. I work so hard. Yeah. It's so much work.

He's his fiancee, Lerlene. Lerlene Wallace, George Wallace's wife. Ben's like, this is my fiancee, Lerlene. And Lerlene's like, Ben works so hard. He works so hard. Ben, Lerlene, she knows we work hard. Lord our God, no say hard hour. He's a sloth. And he better keep it up because I'll tell you right now, we're going to get, we're going to get a team of very small, very efficient Asian Asians, real Asians, Japanese, Chinese, high end, not Filipinos, not fat Asians. Although I do respect them and identify with them. Filipinos are the only fat Asians. Respect. I respect the hell out of Filipinos because of that. You know, it's tough to be the only fat Asian and they do it. They pull it off kind of in a

stylish way. Although Koreans are kind of chunky too. And they're also very fun. Interesting. Listen, was SNL going to get mad at me? Are you not going to give me a job? Because I noticed that Filipinos are more rotund than Japanese. Oh, sorry. Sorry. It's the way it is. You know, folks, timdilloncomedy.com for live tickets, live shows. God bless the queen. God save the queen. I'm trying to think of a real crazy political, I want to start like a political party, or I just want to like adopt a stance that is not controversial because it's so stupid and so out. So like, I'm trying to think what I could, what I could really get behind. Like, what, what, what could I get behind that's so crazy and like barely registers

as like a, as a political ideology? Should I become a wig? Like a part, like a long dead party. The long dead political part. Like, me try to revive a long dead political party. I wanted to, me and Dan St. Germain, who was a friend of mine, were going to pitch a show where I ran for Congress on Long Island. Or like a really local job I ran. And we were going to like, it was going to be like a unscripted show where I ran and we had real advisors and everything. And we had debates and I ran for like school board or something. And it was just this crazy campaign thing, it would just kind of be funny as a show. But TV is dead, movies are dead, the Irishman sucked, all you have left is this fucking podcast.

Listen to it, buy the Ridge Wallet, don't fuck with me. Goodbye.