The Tim Dillon Show - 185: 185 - Stunning Estate

Episode Date: February 2, 2020

Tim addresses the Ari Shaffir controversy, talks his latest addiction to Million Dollar Listing, and tries to get Swingers ordered to the studio. For weekly Bonus Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Tim Dillon Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Please Support Our Sponsors: Get 20% Off + Free Shipping, with the code T-I-M at Manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you! Go to www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. Get the ridge, folks. Follow the show: Tim J Dillon Tw Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show here from the new studio. I'm wearing a blue shirt to contrast from the black background I do not work at Best Buy, but fuck you to the person who said that Let's kind of address the Ari Shafir tweet because a lot of people are talking about it And it's been a you know, a lot of people are kind of reacting to it. Let me read this very controversial tweet Ari Shafir wrote Aretha Franklin showed generations of black people that big can be beautiful dooming them to a diabetes epidemic roast and hell monster Again, it's a lot and I can understand why that angered certain people Aretha Franklin's an icon Maybe one of the greatest singers songwriters of all time and not songwriters, but she's you know, she's a performer She's amazing. She's an icon and I totally understand why some people

were not appreciative of Ari's Insinuation that somehow her being a big woman somehow made diabetes prevalent in the black community and that Somehow there she was somehow responsible for that. I I I do Understand why people are angry about that and I think that Ari does as well and you know, he's faced some consequences for that tweet Why are you laughing?

That's What what what is funny about that nothing cuz I don't think it was that funny. No, it's very offensive about Aretha Franklin That's what people are angry with him, right? Yeah, is that is that not it? I mean you're set is it is there's I mean you're looking at me like I'm wrong What well You know about the the cope people are mad at him about the Kobe thing. What what did he say about Kobe? He said Kobe died 28 years too late. Fuck the Lakers fuck Kobe. He's kind of celebrating that Kobe died I don't know if you saw that that's why people are upset. Yeah

Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, the day I dug up the Aretha Franklin They're mad at him about yeah, get it up what he said about cope. This is fucking crazy to me. I Had no idea. I thought they found an Aretha Franklin tweet Let's see, let me find this here Kobe Bryant died 23 years too late today He got away with rape because all the Hollywood liberals who attack comedy enjoy rooting for the Lakers more than they dislike rape Big ups to the hero who forgot to gas up his chopper. I hate the Lakers. What a great day. Hashtag fuck the Lakers That's why people are angry

Yeah, I get it now Because I had thought that they were angry because they dug up the Aretha Franklin death tweet. Hmm Well folks, I'm kidding, of course, that's our opening bitch. I I know what happened. I'm not out of it. I'm well aware of what's going on. I You know, I'm like anyone else. I You know, I'm like any other American I just you know survive in a haze of junk food and self-hatred and then every now and then I perk right up when I hear that there's a controversy and I

Get my ears and eyes peeled and I you know, feel things because that's what we all need to feel things now We need we need rage to just feel It's not enough to be like, oh, it's a sunny day We need to feel like something is being you know happening and unfolding in front of us We love that we like a controversy. We like a fight We like, you know, so I Think that that his tweet If when I look at it, I go, you know, I would not have said that I

Mean that's But Ari is consistent with that bit that he does Where when somebody dies, he says some the most fucked up thing he can say about the person And he does it Rather immediately like this is what he does after every single Notable person dies or celebrity dies. He goes and he tweets something really heinous as their body is still warm and I think This is clearly by far the most flack he's ever gotten for it because this is the biggest person he's ever said it about

You know Coby's, you know an icon the whole entire city of Los Angeles this morning We have friends that I've been Really upset because they've been like Coby was like a father to me which that also doesn't make sense That's also Ari saying the wrong thing But that's also insane on the other side to say this guy's your daddy dad If you when you have a dad can't it's not he's not your dad. She's what it is He said he's an iconic figure And I and I get that everyone's processing it in different ways

But there's people I've seen on twitter that have been like he's like a member of my family what huh I'm lost but I do get the importance of the The guy and you know now I think you know people are his parents have been doxxed People are calling in bomb threats to the venues. He's performing at I mean it is You know, I mean the internet they they get it poppin They really do. I mean they don't

waste any time Trying to dismantle your life when something like that happens You know, I remember when Dina Hashem made a joke about x x x tension the rapper and she had to make all of her accounts private because you know Like black emo teenagers were threatening to kill her or something. I don't know who that guy's fan base was but I mean, hey

I get it. I've made a few jokes about Billie Eilish and you know people of her You know young goth women have you know Surrounded me You know to rascals chicken and waffles and I've taken many many a beating For that, you know, I've taken uh I've taken some body blows For I've just not a huge fan of the music. That's all um

Ari Is a funny guy. He's been a good person to me um as a As another comic he's always been somebody who's looked out. I think for comics. He's introduced me to people He showed my stuff to people He is not But I I I do understand why people I'll never understand why somebody docks is someone's parents I mean, I'll never understand why somebody goes online and tries to

um Like people that had nothing to do with this like ari's fucking parents survived the holocaust Like they had nothing. I think his dad survived the holocaust like they had nothing to do It's not like his dad's texting him what to say about kopey brian um, it so it's so absurd that anybody Would do that that being sad. I I know why people are angry and upset about it and um You know

Hey I mean I think that we should all choose our words carefully when someone has died That is a beloved figure. You got to choose your words carefully Now, you know, I I have a video where I say that megan mccain Will only have sex with her father and I say that she'll fuck his corpse She'll fuck his corpse

And that's a video I have right I say That megan mccain will only have sexual relations with her father's corpse So And it's like, you know fun It's like a funny video to me I understand maybe why somebody but I didn't do it the day he died But I I'm clearly not going to get on like a moral high horse about like What type of things people can say

I'm sure there's things that I've said or will say That might get people You know What are you gonna do, you know You know, I mean I wish him the best. I've kind of been not paying attention to this as much as You know, I should or I really shouldn't no one should pay attention to anything in my book. Just fucking turn it off Turn it off

I've been watching real estate shows for the past 72 hours I've been watching real estate shows Based in la million dollar listing uh selling sunset And what I like about these shows is they're not about anything Uh, none of the characters are particularly memorable. They all try to be that's the thing with like these reality shows They try to be quirky or different, but they're not Um, the only reason people watch these is it's real estate porn

And they shoot the houses so beautifully And everything about la is sun drenched And gorgeous and then it's and then when you walk around i like even some of these nice houses They're just boxes and dirt That's what a lot of them are especially when you go up into the hollywood hills. They're just Concrete boxes that someone stuck in a mound of cat litter And they put little infinity pools outside and everybody pays 10 million dollars to live there But it's really when you see it

It does it's not nearly as impressive as this beautiful seductive style of shooting Where because ben always tells me oh, we can't shoot in the middle of the day because it's too sunny But somehow the bravo team has found a way to like Like it's sexual And they so why is that why can't we never do it but they can do it is because their equipment is better Well, they have a 40 000 camera, you know, so that's that's why do you talk like that? Well, how am I talking?

You don't talk like that in real life You go there for 40 000 I don't talk like deep and I listen back. I don't think I sound like that You never speak the way you're speaking right now. I listen back I don't think I sound These fucking Shows they're so vapid And they're not real like none of the negotiations are real Because the negotiations are all very like you're at 10 5 we got to find a way to get to 13

We got to find a way to get to 13 5 we're a million apart. It's too far Which is too far apart. We got to make a deal work But the real negotiations I feel like are like listen, this is all chinese blood money They can't get this amount of money out of the country immediately. You're gonna need to fucking take a few contingencies on this deal. Okay This guy's on the fucking run. He just poisoned a river They want him for genocide, but he loves infinity pools So he wants this property, but he could be in the un criminal court soon at the Hague I mean they want him for torture

I mean literally, but he adores this property. He likes the finishes. He loves the onyx table He loves it. It's got multiple exposures. He loves it. It's one of the best streets in Beverly Hills But you gotta give him some time to get the money out of the country because he's being accused of genocide He's just being accused of genocide But he adores That he can get 3 000 feet of outdoor living space because that's a lot to get I explain this to him I explained this to him while he was sawing off the arm of one of his political opponents

I said, will you just cut the buzzword down for a minute and listen to me? You're getting 3 000 feet of outdoor living space In the hills. This is big No one gets this not for this price point Because that's who's buying a lot of these properties. It's dictators. It's blood money A lot of this is but that's why the real estate show should just be called blood money It should be called blood money and it should be about people talking about that they now have to sell these high-end properties

to Third world the dictators of third world countries. That's what the show should be. It should be blood money You should be like there's a lot of powerful people in the world And sometimes they have to leave their countries after a coup, but they love the sexy los angeles sun So we're selling them hot properties Sure, many of them have been accused credibly of genocide and poisoning entire races of people But one thing they love is a nice view

So come on and watch blood money They'll be like the only people that can really afford these high energies be real to be like a good-looking realtor Well, like hot monolobiotic shoes. She'll be sitting on sunset boulevard And she'll be like, you know, some of the only people that can afford these properties right now are murderers I mean real murderers. I'm not even talking about oj. I mean, they've done shit. I'm talking about Biblical proportions. I mean they have laid down hundreds of thousands if not millions of people But they're coming like Michael Bloomberg. I remember Who like delusional people think

Is going to be the president like how nuts do you have to be to think bloomberg has a shot Or how rich because that's also I for my friends parents are very wealthy and they're like we like bloomberg and it's like Yeah Of course you do Um, so how rich or how insane do you have to be to think bloomberg is a shot bloomberg said about new york city He's like bring all the billionaires. We want them all We want them all and like you have to realize is like you but some of them Have done some dirty deeds

You know we want all of the billionaires so what they've You know Poisoned people in their own country. They like shrimp cocktail They like steak. Let them come here. We'll get them a beautiful penthouse But that's what it should be called. It should just be called blood money, you know Selling the higher, you know, because that's what we're doing. We're just selling the rest of new york and la To people a lot of them who've earned their money

By grinding people into a paste So that they have the kind of money Where they can come over here because they go, you know I ground everyone into a paste Everybody's upset about it But I want my kids to go to nyu So I want to get something nice and try becca, you know, my kids love gossip girl My daughters love gossip girl. So I want to get something on the upper east side, you know

My daughters are just huge fans of the hills They love You know, they just they just want to watch it So but that is literally what I did this show on a tour bus in new york city where we rented out a double-decker bus And took it through new york We would point out where these like russian fertilizer magnets lived and these, you know, chinese amusement park tycoons and, you know, russian gangsters and a lot of these people Were gangsters and I don't even mean i'm not one of these guys who just says oh if you're a billionaire, you're necessarily a Murderer that's not the worst

By the way, I mean you'd you would if you were throwing a dart board it is there's a lot You know, if you threw a dart board and if you threw darts and a bunch of billionaires on a board You would hit a few murderers pretty quickly But i'm not one of those guys who's like, oh, you're necessarily like an evil guy But a lot of these people that were just stashing their money in real estate in new york or la were actually Really like nefarious characters that had, you know, one guy that lived in the time Warner center had poisoned river and zambia like He was it was a mining magnet. I think his name is neat agarwal

He was a mining magnet and he had basically You know, he was like, you know somebody who had done some really Deadly things with the wastes That his like mine produced and he they wanted they wanted they was like He was literally being accused of like a genocide or at least like poisoning river and killing a bunch of people and then just the idea that

You know, he he came over to new york and and that's why he didn't want this is why real estate in new york or la is so attractive to these people is that number one They don't buy it under their own name like nobody gets real estate under their name They get it under a shell corp and a shell corp is a corporation that is formed Usually for the express purposes of buying real estate It could be for investing in a company

You could set up a shell corp to invest in a startup or something like that But usually it's a corporation where you don't have a fit like the physical address is different from your address And it's not, you know, you have to jump through a lot of hoops to find out Who the shell corp is registered to a lot of these people have addresses that came in islands or whatever It's a great way to just move money around and when you're buying real estate in places like new york or london You know, half of new construction in london has gone to foreign nationals A lot of it in new york has gone to foreign nationals You know, I think at one point in new york city half of the real estate market was was foreign nationals

Half of the entire market and it bumped the condo prices up the average condo price was like over two million dollars And you're like, well, why are all these people buying all this real estate? Because number one's a good asset. It's a hard asset. You can live in it. You can rent it out But also it's a great way to evade taxes. It's just a great way to get the get your the money out of your country It's a good way to get the money out of the country And hide it and god only knows where you made it. You could eat it could be drugs and narco trafficking Yeah, human trafficking narco terrorism Could be just, you know, good old fashioned, you know, the the wild west of natural gas and kazakhstan where god only knows what's happening

You know, it's like god only knows where the money's coming from. Nobody cares. Nobody in the real estate market cares These people don't care. They're not asking questions. I get it. There's not asking questions You look at these people you're making a lot of money and they're just not asking questions where the money comes They don't care where the money comes from. They don't care. Does it matter? Does it matter to them? Someone sold Epstein that island Someone sold them that island There should be a show where realtors show pedophile billionaires islands You know, and it should be called million dollar fisting

Where just you know realtors like was it like It would start like this you'd be like there's a certain type of person that loves luxury But even more than luxury they love privacy These are some of the top island brokers in the world It's not enough to just have an apartment or a beautiful estate These people need their own private island with a private heliport Where they can go and come as they please and take whoever the hell they want there Welcome to million dollar fisting. It would just be some chick who's like, you know

I was trafficked to one of these islands as a girl and I realized that I loved real estate I just had an eye for it and I understood why the island was perfect. It was just private It was in the middle of the virgin islands. I was just you know in love with the beaches I I love that it was just you know, I think it was about 75 acres And you know, it had several places where we could dock boats and it was just it was just one of those Isles so many of the traffic girls unfortunately, you know went into lives of crime or drugs But I really just got into the idea of selling high-end islands to pedophiles So that's what I do now. I know more islands

Uh than anyone else. I know the ins and outs of not and it would just be a you know a realtor just showing You know showing somebody around like an island like little st. James and being like, you know, hey, how are you guys? Oh, it's good to meet you. How are you? Hello? Hi senator. How are you? I think what you really love about this island? I was listening to everything you told me and I really started to think about it I think this is really the perfect property for you. It's very private. It has a heliport right near the house So there's not a long walk between the heliport to the house. I know that's a concern for you You know because you know, who knows what state people are going to be arriving here at okay? You've got great 360 degree views from your bedroom

So you can walk out on the deck and see who's coming in from where and that's super important You know, they've also got a lot of different boat slips here. It's a quick you can make a quick getaway It's really great. And I just think it's super. There's a lot of underground space, which I know is super important to you It's super important to have underground space, you know, you could really construct anything here We're talking about, you know, four or five thousand square feet of underground living space with absolutely no light coming in It's a very kind of medieval dungeon feel. I just think that's something that you guys would really like, you know The price is about it's about 30 million. I know it's a little more than you were looking to spend But there is some wiggle room. This is owned currently by saudi prince, but he wants to get rid of it

He's upgrading his operation right now And so there is a little wiggle room on price. So do you want maybe are you interested because I could just call him right now Hi, how are you? Great. Listen, I have my client right here. He absolutely loves it. He adores the underground dungeon space Okay, we're coming in right now at about 27 five. It's an all cash deal and we can close in two weeks I don't know he doesn't love that number. He doesn't love 27 five I Understand but this is a qualified buyer. We're coming in all cash. There's no contingencies here. Am I calling someone?

So just calling one of my friends This thing I'm lost my mind But that's really what like that's that's where we're headed With like a lot of these real estate shows and I just love them. They're hypnotic They hypnotize you and you just look at and you know, there's these they're all coked out these fucking realtors This is one British castle. Yeah, look at this house. It's a stunning estate It's a god damn stunning estate And you could just taste a chalk as it goes down his fucking throat. It's stunning site

All number one broker here in the Hollywood Hughes But that's that that's where we're at with uh with television is just We're all kind of being hypnotized And just looking at these and nobody's going to own like the the amount of money you have to have to own any of this Like none of it's even aspirational You can't imagine it. You can barely because it's so much money That it's like you're you're put at a safe distance from it. You could just kind of ogle it It's it's porn. It's literally porn. You look at something at a porn you go. I can't really do that

That's not something I can do and I don't know anyone that can get in that position It's just not going to happen So you can appreciate it just from like, you know, it's impressive and that's what this stuff is It's just real estate porn. That's why those real housewife shows Were interesting to me not because of the like the the drama or any of that garbage. I just like seeing Where rich people lived and a lot of these people by the way And that's the great thing about real estate you look at these real estate agents and you're like these people have made money And they're retarded so that does give you hope. Yeah, you're like these people

Have because you can't just be a hedge fund manager like you'd have to go to school You can't but real estate's a job where you literally in the middle of your life if everything else is fucking Fallen by the wayside you could literally go get a real estate license and start showing properties and you might be good at it Real estate agents have social intelligence. They're not that intelligent being too intelligent is probably a negative To selling real estate you have to be kind of a vapid person because real estate is vapid you want like like small talk You know, you can't like mention, you know, it would be amazing to me to meet all these people every day and not mention that They all drove through a post-apocalyptic Like la is just tense everywhere in tent cities

It would be hard for me to not mention some of that while showing them the house But that wouldn't go over big Because they you got to pretend like that stuff's not even happening. It just doesn't exist. It's not real Don't don't worry your little head about it. You know, one of my old bosses used to be like don't watch the news The news is not your friend Don't watch the news Don't live in the real world That's not the place to live

You know, he would just be like just go out there But I've always my fantasy life is selling real estate. My fantasy life is still a shitty life, which is great I'm still a like I'm still some type of like most people like their fantasy life is they're like They're the guy being sold the house. My fantasy life is I'm still a schmuck That's just selling high-end real estate to derelicts Like that's the the life that I think that I should live is just you know selling Because I always thought it would be The commissions on these houses are a quarter million dollars

You know $200,000 180 thousand dollars life changing commissions you earn one commission on one of these houses Your life is changes very few things you can sell where your life is changed after one deal You close one deal Your life is changed you sell a five million dollar house your life is changed For most people and that is what I always found interesting about it It's like you and you could do it. You could just be the right place the right time, you know I'm not saying it's easy, but there's a lot You know what I do is much harder

And that's not saying that there's a lot of people that or work a hell of a lot harder than me But I think it's just harder to entertain a room full of people for an hour than being hot And standing in a house and having someone fall in love with it and go okay And I know that's not all of what it is, but it's a lot of what it is It's a lot of what it is And obviously there's work that goes into it, but let's cut it out Okay, these are brain dead people when you watch these shows. They're literally brain dead Okay, they say the same five fucking things over and over again. It's a really unique property

You got to look at the finishes the finishes are all updated There's three exposures. Look at the view got some outdoor living space. It's really great. You got to jump on it now It's been a lot of interest. It's not there's nothing prefits like agents you meet with agents They don't say anything profound. They're like, oh good. You're selling tickets. You should sell more Thank thank you Good and when you sell more tickets, you'll be playing bigger venues Like that Gary Gary v the advice he gave to that tick tock girl. Yeah Yeah, he goes he meets the tick tock girl Gary v goes

She goes, what should I do right now? He goes stay on tick tock It's like, yeah, of course Then she goes should I go to youtube because I don't know maybe you won't translate. Maybe you will it's like Is this advice I mean literally I'm asking I'm not I'm not trying to just hate on him all the time But like is this literally actionable advice to give to another human being? Yeah, you know the thing that you're doing This working just do that And then the other thing that you're thinking about doing might not work as well But it's just you know, it's a way to give people non advice

so that I've just Hold on did swingers cancel my order again I would say my order was delivered Oh, really? Yeah, go check. Let me check. Yeah, just check you want to keep going. Yeah, I'm gonna keep going I don't think it was delivered I have criticized swingers in west hollywood because they run a human trafficking ring and I'm against that so I've criticized them and I've

sort of Suggested that people rise up and as vigilantes burn the place down but Did we get it Okay, we did get it Okay, well, I mean, all right. Well, don't burn the plot. I was just trying to get people to go burn the place down Well, don't do that now. Don't do it now Put it down. I don't want it now. We're doing a show

sit down focus I wish I could play Some of these videos for these people that would really make the show a lot better. Can we edit the minute post? From the actual tv show. No from youtube Uh, which show the million dollar listing or the ones you were showing me that ones I was showing you the like long island ones Yeah, because they're hilarious like I want to show people the difference between Is there a way to edit a youtube video into that? I don't know

Yeah, but then I think they could pull the video because it's like copyrighted because it's on their channel So I think youtube can recognize that in an algorithm. Yeah Yeah, is that true? I think so. I can post a link to that one video you kept watching But it's not we're we're gonna do this again when we can what do we have to do to get that to work Well, I mean we need a switcher. We need a hdmi cable. Yeah, we got it We got to get the tv working because then we can show you some of the stuff You know like we could show you that r. You should fear tweet on the tv. Yeah, just so you knew, you know Man arry man. God love him. But you know, hey, sometimes you just step in it

He just stepped in it. That's all You know I'm sure he'll come out of it You know I mean, what do you do? Do you double down? Do you go even harder? Is that what you think he's gonna do? I hope not. I don't think I don't think he's gonna do that I think he's probably taking a step back

It might be a good time for him to go on one of those sabbaticals. He does where he goes to Tibet for a little while Go and take a month You know, he does that he'll disappear for a little bit and go Maybe it's time to just let the heat cool off Let it cool off a little bit and then come back You know And buy a stunning estate Stunning estate in Beverly Hills

There's just You know, I said this on the patreon the other day I don't really get that upset with what people say Because I know how cheap words are And most people that are talking to you are lying and making things up Most people are trying to make themselves sound more interesting by lying They'll they'll make up things that never happened to them and they'll say it They'll tell you stories from movies that they think you didn't see and then try to pretend that they lived through them

This is how desperate most human beings are for any level of attention. They just don't care So words to me don't mean anything literally no matter what you say I understand that words, of course do mean things But I always I'm very cynical unless you show me something unless I'm able to deduce like what you say To me is is is absolutely for the most part as irrelevant as anything When people just pop off and talk I mean, I just I have friends that I like that I know are pathological liars That will sit at a table with you and make up something that's just completely untrue

And get called out on it and really don't have they don't have any shame This is just you know, I assume when people are talking to me. I assume that most of them are lying I just assume you're making you're making something up And then if I it turns out to be true, I go nice If it turns out to be an actually true thing I go. Oh, that's that's nice, you know I just you can't trust

people because all they're trying to do is be funny or interesting And they'll say anything people will literally just say anything People talk about things. They have no idea what they're talking about and they just go They just go There's there's there's no shame. They just they just go They just go right. They just let it out. Let doesn't matter

They don't have to know about how many times do we sit in a room and some people start talking to rogan about fighting They start telling him what the deal is It's like, what are you saying shut up Will you shut up? They don't care. They just talk Because they don't know what else to do. They're very uncomfortable with silence. So they just they just talk I've I've members of my family like that They don't know anything and they say ridiculous things because people don't call them out

And they just say things that don't make any sense You know Just let it happen You can't get angry people get angry that boomers go on facebook and light it up. Let it happen Cares, it's funny. They're crazy. They're almost dead They just they've never had a platform like this where they could just just launch They could just go it used to be a corner bar. Now it's facebook. They could just launch They don't need to have the facts

Doesn't matter to them. They they want to be heard Boomers, by the way, it's the first generation that has a shit ton of life experience and and and and and and and no wisdom Like they're like, I've been on this planet a long time. It's and you ruined it. Shut the fuck up half of you Not all of you, but a lot of you should just pipe down Just go out quietly. You destroy it's like you inherit a house. You burn the house down. Just leave quietly Just exit quietly Don't be loud on the way out You burned it down

You know and that's not everyone but you know Let them let them launch on facebook let them pop off Anyone still on facebook in any meaningful sense right now Is a is a mental patient and I mean that if you are on facebook Trying to make a point You're nuts

It's oh, it's a graveyard. I see people that I like kind of respect On fate and they go into these multi paragraph Things on facebook And they're true. They're like, well, here's what I here's how I see it Here's how I Could there be anything less appropriate than your take on facebook There's nothing to say anymore

On that site It's like The people are still there are sick You're convincing sick people. My mother is in a mental institution They're all More well adjusted than my facebook timeline People talk about drama in these little comedy community. No one cares about your drama in burnt corn alabama's comedy scene

stop talking about The open mic that banned you because you use the word oriental And then you and the nine other people in that scene are gonna have a 2000 comment thread about free speech After the orienting again people doing these big comment threads about free speech. Shut the fuck up You also have the freedom to not speak Doesn't affect you you're unaffected by this You don't need to go into a hole, but this is what

People do when and I've said it before they're feral. They've been bit Social media has given them this idea that they have to have a take on things. Just just let it go Does it no one gives a fuck about what you're saying? Calm down It's crazy. Stop posting Libertarian memes if you live with your mother Stop talking about a bad socialism is if you live with your mother Get out of your house these Long Island guys live with their mom

Socialism is bankrupted. Will you shut up? You're eating cereal that someone bought for you You're on a family plan you're in you're about you're in your 30s It's like that's what facebook is It's like people have authority Get all you're my favorite ones. They go get off my page Take that off my page. This is my page. I don't own a house, but I own this page I have this page where I can enforce the rules

Go I have it to sell some tickets to put some merch out there There was a lot. I had a lot of fun with it back in the day. I used to write these long things troll people There was a lot of fun But it's over now And if you're 96, you know, don't be on tiktok like maybe we'll all have to be on tiktok There's just something super sad about seeing Old people on that app. I know that we have to get on it probably for our careers, but there's something sad about it

You know, you feel Odd being on it because everyone's 15. It's like I'm not really trying to entertain 15 year olds. I don't care I you don't know you you shouldn't think I'm funny You you can't buy tickets to my show There's we're not doing anything here there's no overlapping Life experiences of me and you You were born after 9 11

You know what I mean? I was born before 9 11 And then I learned that 9 11 wasn't real So yeah, we're never gonna Yeah, I'm not doing your new dance on tiktok Okay I watched the towers fall and then found out they were holograms I I'm not doing you dance. I'm not doing your fortnight dance

Okay I'm awake Yeah, you don't get it you little punk bitch You don't know what it's like To listen to people talk about lizard people and then find out they're right Me and ray were saying this is why people are going so fucking nuts me and ray knew how fucked everything We knew how fucked all government was but then most people just found out about it with kid fucking So that's that's how their minds melted

Because if you know how if you knew about kennedy and about all of these coups that we did if you knew about These democratically if you knew about how fake everything was in the murder and assassination of blackmail You knew the shit the cia was into if you paid attention if you'd read any of those books if you knew You know our appetite for skull duggery and the things that we had done to other people children If you knew about mk ultra if you knew about that shit then once you got to the pedophile cults in epstein you were kind of like Uh, yeah, this is a heinous but logical conclusion to the infrastructure the groundwork that we already laid in our mind But if you just arrived at that your mind melts And that's what you're seeing is people's minds melt. So like oh fuck

Wait, what? It's crazy if your entrance point into how fucked up everything is Is there's private islands where politicians are fucking kids your mind will melt And i'm not saying it's not shocking if you if you knew other thing But it's less shocking if you knew what these people are capable of if you just know what they're capable of you're not like You're like, yeah, this is what we had thought It could be and it is that but that's what people's minds are melting And they're they don't know what to do. So I think that's where the QAnon stuff comes in

It's like they're just looking to believe things, you know, they're looking to they're like, well, I hope to god that Everything's you know But now it'll be okay, right? You're like, but now Because that's what all these things are they're like, but now it's good Because now we're in the there's the secret war It's hot and you're like, well, I don't know Hopefully you're right Hopefully there is a secret. I don't you know, what am I telling you?

I would love if there was a secret war and good people won great you know but I just You know, it's like Thinking that donald trump is leading that war to me is I almost have to believe that one of these realtors on bravo is doing it Because they're the same type of person They I would almost have to believe that

You know, yeah, one of the guys from million dollar listing is uh fighting a secret war to free all the kids that are being fucked really Good you would say good you'd go good The guy from million dollar listing That sold the house the big house with the rooftop pool He's doing the secret war Oh Well, I'm I'm happy about that. I'm not against that

I'm for that If it's happening, I'm for it I you know I've no investment in it not happening good You know That's what arish of fear has to do to get it and everyone's good graces He's got to figure out who killed epstein

Ari's got to solve the jeffrey epstein murder And then come back with a fire tweet Naming the perpetrator john mackafee did it recently. He's like it was tartaglione It was his prison guard and we're we're piecing the other things together. He's like if you know how it happened I'll buy you dinner It's like okay Prince andrew not cooperating that's a shock it's a shock

It's a shock They're still trying like they're still There's still elements. I'm sure the fbi that have some good people in them and they're still like trying to There's you know We wish everyone luck You're just laying Maxwell in a few years will be somebody buying a house in one of these bravo real estate shows You know The bill is one thing i'll know about just lying. She loves a stunning estate

Just lying is a socialite. She's made of money Hanging out people with a lost style So i'm gonna show a house in the bird streets The bird streets are like the hot hollywood hills you people don't know The truest ale of states A lot of this stuff is gated when I was a kid I grew up we used to drive through wealthy areas and smoke pot in the car and that's how you know white privilege It's annoying to hear but it is true because I literally used to get high and look at all my friends and go

I want to see the mansions and we would just drive around mansions just stoned and on other things And then we just get out of the car sometimes like creep creep up the lawn of these old mansions I'd be smoking a cigarette. I'm like look at this property. It's gorgeous We I I was driving through sands point long island when I was smoking pot My buddy tom who's now works for the government He's like a us marshal and we were driving And we had the windows down we were smoking pot driving through all these mansions And I was just screaming atop my luck these people are so much better than us

They're so much better than us And I wasn't kidding. I was awake and aware and And I got and that was fun. You can't do that in california because of the goddamn gates These fucking scaredy cats. They always need to be behind the gates But in long island a lot of those areas weren't gated so you could drive around You know all coked out look at christmas lights. There was something nice to be coked out And look at christmas lights. It's much nicer when you're stoned. Obviously, it's nicer It's nicer when you're stoned. You have a little hot chocolate from dunkin donuts and you can go look at the lights

So fun So fun. There's very you really smoking pot. It's supposed to be when you're in your late teens and early 20s That's what it's for Stop doing it if you're older than that It's an enough already enough You know, I get it that you people can't put it down but put it down It'll never be as much fun. Oh, I started smoking pot at 32. Okay, you fucking loser enough

It's for children. It's for teens and young adults. That's when it's the most fun You don't need to be doing it for your entire life. Your mind will melt. Trust me You just don't need to do it. It's not the move There's other things to do and I know this is super controversial because there's a lot of people that listen to the show That love weed Just just try Try a little time without it. Just space it out a little bit Take a hit every now and then

You know, you don't you stop There's something weird about being in your 30s and it's like everything's about weed Something odd about that grow up You know drink wine take pills Take pills and drink wine Get drunk OD in your bed die Do something adult for once be a fucking adult

Do something adult like get a drinking problem and lose your kids That's what adults do They don't fucking smoke pot and talk about how disappointing the new star wars was Lose your firm snort your house Destroy yourself with pharmaceuticals. I don't care. I'm not telling you to be a moralist But enough with being a fucking, you know Pothead when you're in your mid 30s grow the fuck up I smoke to go to sleep. We'll deal with your demons

Make peace with the monster under the bed Defeat him be him I'm just yelling this there's just a kindergarten class looking at me. They're like this was an appropriate taffy man This wasn't really great, you know But I've had enough with the weed living in LA every stores a weed store That's the only thing left in this economy is to take talking weed That's all that's left Is just people dancing and and and edibles

Nobody can live anymore unless they're shoving an edible down their throat How did we all sleep before weed? I need an edible so I can eat and sleep. What? It's a problem It's a serious problem Little our friend the kid who runs our website little alex They were gonna start making him smoke weed because he's like very tiny for like medical reasons, right? Yeah, because he can't like eat he fills up very quickly and he needs to like blow himself up because he's like this tiny little birdlike creature

And he needs to just get bigger So what he needs to do is smoke weeds. We just eat brownies and stretches his stomach out or something Okay, I don't know I don't know how it works folks. I'm just saying I'm not trying to I don't want the wrath of the weed people here I'm just saying it's fucking do something adult You know and there's nothing adult but like there's something Adult about developing an addiction to painkillers There's something

classy About a nice corporate pill Slides right down a little fiege Little fiji water you slide that sexy Pill down your throat And you just light up a little ciggy leggy And you have fun Stop the nature weed shed embrace the sackler family

Embrace Sometimes I wonder sometimes I wonder like what if there are impressionable people that listen to this Like I'm I'm joking now, but I'm also Serious in a way like I don't like the the weed culture is not for me It's grotesque. It's truly grotesque People that sell weed are stupid When you when they're when they're out and they start talking about their weed company You want to throw yourself in front of a car because or you want to throw them in front of a car. They're they're uninteresting people. Okay

uh They just start talking about my friend michael talking about weed all the time, you know And he tries to make it sound like he's you know building a super computer. It's like you shut the fuck up Yeah, people you have weed and people smoke and I get the fundamentals of the business I get what it is. Oh you put weed in the gummy bear. Now you put it in a meatball You put it in a brownie. I know what you're doing about you don't have to go on like your warren buffet Of weed and talk about how fascinating. Oh, we got a lot of shops. You gotta grow a grow operation Shut up

We don't need your mouth Shut up at the weed business not fucking interesting It'd be interesting if you work with the cartel and fucking chop people's heads off But it's not fucking interesting when you fucking tell me you're having a problem with your graphic designer This fucking kid that we hired it's not working hard. It shows up late and it's shut up I could listen to my fucking friends talk about their stupid corporate jobs. I don't need that A friendship with me requires you to shut your mouth and let me speak We sit down we have a lunch I talk for 45 minutes

At the end of the lunch you I hand you you I will hand you a script. These are the three lines You're allowed to say I can't believe you are not more famous. It is a tragedy Then you're also say Everything you do is so good and it's all moving in the right direction. Don't worry about it. It's gonna be great And then I say thanks man. I appreciate it and then we leave the restaurant and I pick And that's a friendship with me. There's nothing else There's no uh you tell me about your uh the office politics at the weed shop Who cares?

Oh such he goes he said to me one day goes your business is so you only have to rely on yourself I have to rely on all these other people you'd stop I have to rely on all these other people. There's there's so many people. There's so many things. It's so hard. Everybody's uh, you know Oh, you got to work. Oh you got to work You can't just sit around get high and walk your dog. Well, welcome to welcome to the races Yeah Yeah He gave a bunch of degenerates office buildings now. They're all fucking like it's so hard

Yeah, it's easy to sit in Wendy's and sell dime bags to me and my dirtbag friends Sorry, it's a little more difficult now that the guy he's like everybody's the government's involved and regulate. He ha It's what it is You have a business now You're not just selling ace From your mom's Camry I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. I just know that I'm I am my righteous anger is well-earned and I'm right I know that I'm right. I know that my targets are just and I'm right

That's all You just have to follow me folks. I'm not saying you should do oxy cotton I'm saying and you can't even argue me on this It is more adult to be addicted to percusset than it is to be high all the time I just respect a corporate addiction I respect when someone shows up and they're scratching because they're on opiates Not fentanyl that's too much too far but I respect a

a person who's uh, you know, uh just addicted to uh Kind of a a more exclusive drug That's all don't smoke weed all the time. We don't need it. You don't need it all the time It dims you it dulls you it makes you even less interesting than you are sober You're even less interesting than you are right now with the weed you know

Not for the weed all the time Now we are sponsored by a lot of weed Companies and that now this is awkward because I do I do want to say that everything I just said was a bit in a joke and I don't mean any of it And then I think weed is great. It's natural. It's fun. It's Sexy and great. I want everyone to do it every minute of every day Every minute of every day. I just want to smell weed. I just want to live at Coachella I want to live in a music festival where everybody's high all the time and nobody knows exactly who's talking to who

What who what? Um, I'm kidding. We don't we don't have any weed sponsors, but I'll I'll just tell you You know, I get it your mind gets melted and you know, I've been addicted to marijuana alcohol percocet cocaine Fiking in but really led me to percocet. I've been addicted to all of those things

and You can kick them You can be done with them and I'm not I'm not saying that they're all the same But weed is annoying. It's like an annoying addiction You know, it's annoying. It annoys me I would rather you go take pills in your bathroom and I don't have to deal with you and you can I can You we can you can suffer in silence Just go to your desk

Just take what you need to and go to your desk I don't want to have to be Inundated with your culture of your drug you know I used to take psychedelics I never got into the culture of psychedelics, which is like go to nature be a better person I never did that I would take acid and go to the garden city hotel

And talk about the fact that the people lived in the next town over rockville center hadn't really made it I'm like, they don't have any real fucking money Okay, because I embraced the material Even when I was high, I knew that the material world was right, but DMT, it doesn't matter. I take DMT. I go to the fucking I go to the other realm. I'll try to sell the aliens condos I'll convert them They'll be like, we're all high percent. It'd be like, will you shut the fuck up? Do you want a stunning estate? Yes or no

I don't need the culture of these drugs You can do acid and be a materialistic piece of shit. I did it for years You don't have to embrace you don't have to become a better person on psychedelics. You can fight it You could just take shrooms and touch your friend's dick You don't have to You don't have to have any great realizations You could avoid them you could avoid those You could avoid those realizations like the plague

I did it for years You don't have to be a better person while taking psychedelics You can just be the same shitty person you are except you see trails I mean That's what it is How much longer do we have? We're at 58. 58. Okay. We got we got to wrap this up because we have some ads And we have some other things to do and I haven't eaten since lunch. I do need to eat something I will begin the keto journey again very soon

Keto journey will begin again I've been off keto Because it is very hard to stay on it because it's very restrictive um But I will be getting back to it very shortly That keto cookie guy was going to sponsor the show or he fucking He fucking High-tail it out of here. Fuck you the cookies suck

They did they got sugar alcohols in it. They make you shit Can't have cookies don't eat good. Don't you can't have replacement cookies? Brian callan song when I was on keto three days into it. I was like, have you heard of the keto bakery? Brian Callagos, this is not gonna work. Is it? I was like, he's a keto bakery in Santa Clarita. He goes this is not gonna work But to bring it full circle, here's what I think about Kobe. I'm kidding Hahaha He was an icon man. He was an icon. He was not your dad. He wasn't your brother. He wasn't your best friend

Folks cherish the people in your lives that are real. I know they're shitty I know they haven't accomplished anything great. I know they don't inspire you. I know many of them smell I know they suck I know they're fallible. They're imperfect, but they're real They're actually there and many of you they're the people around you that you deserve You're not gonna get a Kobe To inspire you you just be inspired by your real uncle who just got away with a dewy You know like

The people in your life as shitty as they are and as unimportant as they are. Yes Maybe they're not buying estates In Beverly Hills with blood money Maybe they're not, you know, leading the Lakers to a championship But you can reach out and touch them and say get away from me That means something because they're real. They're actually in your life. Yes, they're not Inspiring figures. You're never gonna look at them and go wow You know, but you could look at them and go, uh

They're actually here. We're sharing a physical space. That's important You know, it's important that you embrace reality They're there to disappoint you They're there to make you feel better when you fail because they also fail they're there To be poor with you

To be gross But they're there and that's what's important Embrace them. They're the real heroes The people that you do just a little better than Those are the heroes The people that you could look at and go god that guy's a fucking real piece of shit He ruined his whole life. He threw his entire life away The kid from your town who died in a car accident

That's the guy You go that guy's dead It wasn't even his fault, but he's dead now and you're not dead And even if you're fucked in every other way, you're not dead And that guy is That should be your coping The guy that should inspire you is the scumbag Who's just dead now

Not the greatest iconic basketball player that's amazing and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but you're not gonna do it Stop It's insulting to him That you like him so much I'm inspired by people owned convenience stores Like the indian guy who keeps a shotgun behind the day. I like I like that. I go good for him. Maybe one day i'll be him You know Maybe one day i'll do go to another country and open a business that fucking works. It's not easy

It's not easy. Okay See, that's my rant about that. It's you know, I you know We've covered a lot today do oxys don't smoke weed Go into real estate if you can because you can be brain dead and do it and you should and Embrace the real people in your life all the stars in your life

People like kobe bryant or myself We are there to really You know make you feel like things are possible, but they're but they're not So embrace the people in your life that are actually there You know that fat woman Who just puts up with you? She doesn't mind that you have ibs and that you don't have any money You know

She's not gonna die in a helicopter. She'll never be in a helicopter an entire life She's only been in a plane once And it was to go to an all-inclusive resort where you threw up all over your shoes That's your hero Not the people on tv not the people that do great things that beast of a woman Who puts up with you? and and loves you Because her father touched her

That that's america And that's beautiful r.i.p. kobe r.i.p. r.a good night