The Tim Dillon Show - 189: 189 - Welcome To The Show, Hillary

Episode Date: March 1, 2020

Tim talks Corona Virus, getting even with a friend, and Miss Hillary's new podcast. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Follow the show: Tim J Dillon Twitter - http://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Tim J Dillon Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Tim Dillon Live Dates! http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Coronavirus would be the best thing that happened to this country. Welcome to the program, everybody. I am 100% in support of a full scale pandemic of coronavirus in this country. Get people off the streets, out of the malls, into their homes. Get them fucking out of their cars. Close the schools and make the kids shoot their families and not each other. I think it would be a great change of pace in this country for a worldwide flu-like pandemic to hit. I'm in support of it. I look at the cases every day and I get angry. There's not more. Everybody go in their house and start a podcast. That's it. There will be nothing left. The economy will collapse. Everybody will come either a podcaster or a cam girl or boy.

And you'll either diddle yourself on camera or you'll yell into a microphone. And that's how this society should appropriately disintegrate. With everybody sitting in front of a green screen. Ben and me have talked about this. This is how it ends. Everybody back into the house, in front of the green screen, live streaming and broadcasting. That's it. And just delivery people that brave the elements to deliver us our pokey bowls and our general towels chicken. That's it. That's exactly how the American experiment should end. With everybody in their home ordering roadcasters and microphones and headphones from Amazon. Have them being delivered by drone and live streaming and deciding who's responsible for the pandemic.

Is it Jews? Is it fucking, you know, is it the fucking deep state? Who is it? Is it the Chinese, the chai comps? Who did it to us? And we could spend the rest of our lives theorizing about why exactly this is happening. What a great opportunity to put enough with the pop up stores. And it's an experience. We're having an experience. We're filling these little boots with cheesecake. Enough. Go home. Lock down. I love that idea. No more fun experiences. No more, you know, vacations. You can't go to Iceland anymore and swim in a hot spring and put it on Instagram.

You can't stay in an igloo. You have to just stay in your home. And then you, you, you, the only money that you'll ever make now, because you can't go outside. The only money you're ever going to be late, make is in super chats, live streams, patreon subscriptions, limited selection of merch that's available because we'll have self driving cars. That is it. And I'm so excited for that. I'm excited for that. And I think everyone should be too. Let's finally do it. Let's finally sever ourselves from the remaining bit of reality that we live in, which is really just annoying. Reality is just annoying now. Traffic and weather, it's annoying. Shut it down. Black out the windows. That's the move.

I mean, think about it. So much of what we do now is online. So much of who we are. We're just creatures that respond to stimuli that's delivered to us through our devices. Why have, you know, there's fantasy that when you're going to go to a national park one day and we'll hike up a hill. Stop. It means nothing. Nature is fake and it's annoying. Go into the darkness and stay there. Put up the green screen. You broadcast nature behind you. We have opted for the darkness because we knew it was coming. We knew coronavirus was coming. You don't think we, you don't think we have a faggity little studio like everybody else? The cash app is shoving cash up their ass. So they have a cute little studio. Look, it's so cute. We will edit that out if they invest. They are not sponsoring us yet. We will edit that out.

Ben gives me a look. Wait a minute, but not yet. They haven't. So what we've done is we have the darkness now. And if you don't like that, if it's, you know, if audible.com doesn't think this is suitable content, well, then fuck off. It doesn't matter soon. It's not going to matter soon because it's all going to be burning and mass graves. That's right. I hope I'm only nervous. I get very nervous that this is actually being hyped and inflated by the media and that none of the, you know, ideations in my head will come true. I hope that that's not the case, but there is, there is an argument to be made that actually maybe the media is hyping this up and this is more of a flu than the people that don't have already compromised immune systems, i.e., you know, not the elderly or children probably won't be that affected by it.

That would be the worst case scenario. The best case scenario is within two to three months, we're starting to see lockdowns. We're starting to see travel bans. We're starting to see schools closed, governments closed. You see a little civil unrest on the edges, on the margins, you know, a couple of Molotovs through the window, nothing coordinated yet because we need time. And then, you know, it becomes like the stand, the Stephen King miniseries, which I enjoyed with my father in the 90s, the stand. We watched it every night. And my father looked at me when I was a child and he said, son, this will happen one day. He was great. He was really good at his job at parenting. He said to me, oh, there's a child like eight or nine watching this. And he goes, this is what's going to happen. And they loaded up everybody on military vehicles. And I was excited then. I said, well, that sounds good, you know, that sounds good, you know, that sounds like a nice fun development.

Even then, I knew that this was probably heading in the right direction. So every now and then, like when we get a SARS or an avian bird flu, I kind of get excited. And it always turns into nothing. It always turns into nothing. Swine flu is nothing ever. Everything's fake. But I mean, it could be real fun because, you know, and a lot of people are watching this probably, you know, like this seems a heartless and cruel. No, I don't want people to die. I've been clear about that. I just don't want them to leave their homes. I want them to fully integrate into the darkness that we are in right now. I don't want anyone to die. I need listeners. I'm not an idiot. I need people listening to me. What I don't need is people stomping around outside. Outside is the enemy. That's where the disease is. You go back right in your hovel and listen. That's right. That's right. Jimmy Fallon and James Corden, they all have to do their shows from maybe their homes and they have massive estate so they can, you know, like Jimmy Fallon can still do the Muppets in his estate because he can't leave.

And Corden can still, you know, with the top hat and the cane or whatever he does, they can all still do that in their homes. You know, I just, I just think that's going to be great. And then there's going to be people, you know, without shows and they'll be listening. But I think everyone will start to have a show. That's when you know things are going to be good. When everyone that you've ever met is sitting at their kitchen table eating cereal in front of a green screen and just ranting. And I mean, they haven't showered in days. They've ran out of anti-depressants. They're screaming and they're screaming into the void. I mean, you can see they're sunken in eyes and they're emaciated. They're starting to lose weight because there are shortages now, of course. Food shortages and they're drinking and, you know, whatever they keep, whatever drugs they can get their hands on and they're starting to hallucinate. And their shows are getting really good. You know, they're getting really good. Watching someone degenerate on air is actually very entertaining.

It's very entertaining to watch somebody lose it marble by marble. It's fascinating. It's actually a great watch, you know. It will be much better. Instead of having the Tonight Show, they should have a schizophrenic at progressively more insane every single day. And that would be much better, you know. I mean, so that's where I'm at with coronavirus. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm unaware of what's going to happen. I'm just saying, let's not, let's look at the benefits. There's a lot of benefits. Imagine this. Did you see the checkpoint in China when the guy tried to get through it and they just threw a bag over his head and threw him in a van? Imagine that happening on Melrose at a sneaker store. They just start begging up those little kids, those hypebeasts who wait all day to buy Supreme Sweater. They just start begging them because they refused the checkpoints. They begged a little fucker and put them in, take them out, get them out of here. That's a good thing. That's not a bad thing. And I think we're being a little...

That's just, again, maybe, maybe it's, I love that people on cruise ships are getting it. I've a bit about cruises. I've a bit about cruises in my act. There is no type of vacation that more defines the fat boomer generation than the cruise. A disgusting floating toilet where fat privileged pigs can sit and eat and drink and gorge themselves for days and then show up to another fucking island where people used to live before they were cleared out by Carnival and Royal Caribbean and fucking, and they show up and they just get out and they walk their 400 pound asses around and they buy magnets and fake jewelry and they fucking eat Taco Bell quesadillas and they think they're having a cultural experience. There's nothing more quintessentially American than pulling up to an impoverished third world country in a floating country. I mean, pulling up where you have, there's 60 chefs on some of these boats, 60 chefs, you're pulling up to a country with one doctor and it's a witch doctor. It's not even a real doctor. It's somebody who waves fucking, you know, ferns at you when you're sick. And so the fact that those people are being quarantined and they're not letting them back on the mainland and they're killing them, I mean, I just, I'm trying to see the negative in this pandemic.

I've been trying to see it. I've been trying to see the negative in this pandemic all week. I have people calling me concerned. They're like, somebody called me, I swear to God, my aunt called me. She goes, this is horrible. What if you can't do stand-up comedy anymore and you just have to do your podcast from your house? I went, oh, yeah, baby. Oh, I don't have to walk into a mall and entertain people choking on chicken fingers. No, that's crazy. I just get to communicate with my fans and never see here or touch them. Wow. That does sound like a horror. What a nightmare. Bring on the bubonic plague. Bring it on. You know, there are people that have died and that is sad and I want to say that. I do want to say that. I don't know any of the people who've died. I get it. I get that that is sad. I don't want to sound like a total sociopath. I'm just saying there are silver linings to all the clouds. You know, the stock market's losing money. That's fun.

You know, I'm not really invested in the stock market. I don't really care what happens. I don't care. So, I mean, I don't want the economy to completely tank and people not being able to support me via Patreon slash the Tim Dillon show, which you all should be fucking on already because we're doing great work over there. Stop consuming everything for free. Have some pride. Take some pride. Support your local artist. Don't you love when you first get into comedy? You do these horrible shows in the backs of bars and like they put, they make these flyers, these people and most of these people are delusional psychopaths who should be taken out in the street and shot. And they're, they're, you know, comedians, you know, I'm on keto. It's like we get it. And these people, they put on the flyer like support live comedy and support local art. And support. It's like, what? It's just so funny. The idea of that. It's like support live. It's like people do. They do support live comedy. They don't support you. They don't support you. And there's no, it's because there's nothing to support. There's nothing to support. Those shows should be done in front of people that are unlucky enough to be boozing their life away in that particular institution on that evening.

That's what it is. If you're a drunk and you're not home with your family, you might get somebody yelling into a microphone in your space. That's what it is. I performed in a lot of those bars on Long Island where people are just trying to throw their lives away. And I'm like, hold on. I'm trying to throw my life away. I want to ruin my life. And they're like, I'm here to ruin my life in the quiet, you know? And it was just that tug of war of two groups of people both wanting to completely sever their relationships with society, trying to figure out who. I've watched bars throw their, like their entire business model was based on doing open mic comedy and their regulars, the only people they're making money from were like, what the fuck is going on? I just come here to drink. I come here because of my local watering hole. It's a gin mill. It's a blood box. I come here, you know, I come here to just fucking disassociate from my fucking life. And then I have to like be inundated with a stream of psychopaths who've convinced themselves that they're following their dream. Is there anything more disgusting than when someone's bombing in like a bar or something? They go, oh, and no one's listening to them and no one should be.

And they go, oh, it's all right. I'm just living my dream up here. Well, then you have a shitty dream. You have a shitty dream and no one should respect your dream. Oh, it's just my dream up here. That's all. It's just my dream. That's your dream to stand by a pool table in a bar and perform to seven people because somebody told you in the cubicle next to you that you had something to say. You have nothing to say until the pandemic where you will make no money unless you figure out something to say real quick and live stream it. Well, I want to let you know that the I'm going to go on door dash now and see where the cheesecake factory KCD order is. We live in Los Angeles. There's not a lot of good Mexican food in Los Angeles. So what we've done is ordered KCD is from the cheesecake factory because they are very good. And a lot of the authentic Mexican in LA, some of it is good, but a lot of it is dog food and I don't want to eat lizard meat. And, you know, in the guacamole, he's never good. It's always like creamy and it's not, you know, and some Mexican here is great. But I mean, some of it is just like, you know, enough already with it, you know, and there's nothing wrong.

A quesadilla to me feels American except unless you go to that place, the Dean Del Ray told me about in San Francisco and the Mission District. I forget the name of it. El Feralito. It's amazing. The best state quesadilla in the United States of America at El Feralito and it's nice and you can eat it and then walk directly outside and watch a man pick off the rest of his face. There's nothing better than that. You could watch someone take a nice steaming shit right on the curb. San Francisco, you know, so it's really, really truly, it should be arriving in 13 minutes, you know, but I like, you know, there was a great thread on Twitter about the Cheesecake Factory. It was a phenomenal thread that somebody wrote and it was just about the aesthetic of the Cheesecake Factory. See if you can find that. See what's amazing about Ben is young Jamie, of course, would have had it up already because as soon as I mentioned it, he would start looking for it. But Ben, Ben, you have to look directly in his eyes and say to him in unbroken English, can you try to locate the thing I'm talking about now to make the show better?

Because that might be interesting. Young Jamie, a crane of Rogan's neck or just the way Jamie would have it up already. Ben, you have to say to Ben, like, Kent, hi, hi, I'm the host. Can you do, can you pull it up and... I was waiting for more info. You just said a thread about the Cheesecake Factory. I know. Why start typing in? I was very mysterious. I was very mysterious when I said a Twitter thread about the way the Cheesecake Factory looked. The aesthetics, which means the look of the Cheesecake Factory. It was very mysterious. How would you possibly know that I wanted you to look for a thread on Twitter about the Cheesecake Factory? I should have emailed you. I should have done show prep, which I refuse to do because really, to be honest, fuck you people. We're heading into a pandemic. I've been on shows where they do show prep. They're nightmares. Can you read it? Yeah, this person deleted the thread, so I have to find it on it.

Are you serious? Yeah, but I found it on Mashable, so let me see if I can piece this together. I wonder what corner of the internet Ben found. I don't know if this is clearly the thread that I'm talking about. Ben has found some thread where some guy's like, I was sitting in the Cheesecake Factory and I started thinking about different cultures developed in different parts of the globe. Which me and I'm like, no, that's not it. It's about the way it looks. But it's, I think the argument is that the Cheesecake Factory is the most American restaurant in the country, which I think it is. I don't think there are other than McDonald's. I don't know if there's an argument that there's any other restaurant that is more emblematic of our failed experiment than a restaurant called the Cheesecake Factory. A factory, which I mean, it's just amazing.

So the Cheesecake Factory essentially grew out of a Los Angeles bakery business. Then in 1992, they brought on hospitality designer Rick McCormack and shit went off the rails. We're talking Victorian, Egypt, Rococo off the rails. I mean, check out this exterior. Greco-Roman cornices, am I saying that right? Cornices? C-O-R-N-I. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the things. Okay. Seashells above the pseudo-arked doors topped with a dome airlifted from fucking St. Basil's. The interior is a world of aesthetic chaos that feels like a mix between a fries electronics, an overgrown Panera, and a laser tag arena. It's sensational. Palm trees set aside 2000s chic glass lighting fixtures, French limestone floors, mosaics, fresco-like murals.

Pseudo-Egyptian faces top columns with hybrid palm, frond, lotus blossom designs, and pseudo-hyroglyphics. It's unchecked white exoticism slash Orientalism run amok with a huge budget. Some elements like the face's third eye and the sauron-like sconces borderline on a cult flavor. It's really wild. Now, let me ask you a question. Can you read? Can you actually... That was a vet. That was... It was a lot of words, though. It was a lot. It was uncomfortable for me to watch you go through that. This is because he went to a Christian school where the only word you learn how to spell is Jesus.

And... No, that wasn't a good job. You did a good job. Listen, there's a lot of words in there. I get it. There's a lot of different words back to back over and over again. That's the problem. Word after word after word after word. But it is crazy. When you're sitting in a cheesecake factory, you're like, this doesn't even make sense. You look around and it is this fucking... I used to go there and I would sit there with friends. It's such a big thing in Long Island and you would sit there and you'd look around and you would just be like, what is this place? Do they have them in Texas?

Yeah, absolutely. Everywhere. I mean, they're always in malls and they're always massive and they have these massive columns. It looks like you're eating in a set from Xena Warrior Princess. You feel like you'd just be sitting there with a bunch of guys drinking jug wine and then Xena would come in and just start fucking you up, except it's not Xena. It's a suburban real estate agent and she's eating herb-crusted salmon, which isn't bad with the lemon sauce. It's not bad. It's not great. Their mashed potatoes are good because they're filled with... they just inject them with like, I don't know, sugar and fat, butter.

I have a lot... I got in an argument with somebody the other day. They were like, oh, you act like you're foodie and everything, but you're kind of white trash because you like condiments. There's this anti-condiment movement going on right now, which I want to address. It was one of my friend, Michael, who is genuine white trash, whose nose has this arch in it. Listen, if you're low-born, there's nothing wrong with this. If you're high-born, I have a European facial structure. Now, many of you don't notice that because I'm fat, but go look at me when I was a child. It's a European facial structure.

Now, what that means is I have an angular face like an Abyssinian cat. An Abyssinian is an Egyptian cat. Not Ari Suffir, Jewy, like, where it's sunken in and weird, but I have a... It was an angular face and then I got fat, so then I got the American pot like an apple pie fat, but that's not me. That's what I've done to myself. So, I am high-born. Now, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying it makes you better than anyone, but inherently and biologically, it does.

Low-born people, my friend Michael has a nose like... I'm trying to look at Ben. Ben's nose is not bad. It's really not bad. It's... Noses are important. My friend Michael, yours is fine. Thank you.

Michael has a... You've seen Michael's nose, right? What is it? It's like Ben. It has a bit of a hook. But it's not Jewy. It's not Jewy. What knows Jews run the world?

We're not shitting on them. And don't isolate that. What I'm saying is that... When I see a big notch on a Jew, I know that I'm dealing with somebody that's fucking God. In most cases, has their shit together. But Michael has that white trash face. It's kind of a bent nose where it has a little bend in the middle of it. And it just screams working class.

It just screams like you're a nobody. When I see that crooked bent nose, I go, you're a nobody. You're a factory worker. You're a slob. You're a punchin' in. And I support all those people. But you feel like they're identifiable. And so Michael's telling me he doesn't like condiments.

He doesn't like ketchup. He doesn't like mayonnaise. Shut up. You know what I mean? First of all, the only problem with mayonnaise is that there's too much of it. Mayonnaise is an essential component. But it can't be an individual. It's not supposed to be a component on the sandwich.

It's supposed to be an enhancement. And what happens is because Americans are fat, disgusting, irredeemable slobs, they've taken this gook and then just slapped it on things. And it's gotten bent. It has all kinds of flavors. It's not supposed to be like that. But there's no argument against mayo. It's just there's too much of it.

And when there's too much of it, it is gross. It is disgusting. He's like, oh, ketchup's for white trash. Ketchup, barbecue sauce, mustard, and all that stuff. What are you saying? What are you saying? You know, this is a kid that I got in an argument with because he said he was going to pick me up from the airport, pick me up for the airport.

He offered. He said to me, I'll pick you up and drive you to the airport. Listen to this. Listen to this. And then after all, I'm going to give out his phone number to his address. But listen to this. I don't want to announce that he's. Should I say that he's.

Say whatever you want. I can cut it out if you don't. No, we're not cutting it out. He's having a baby. Okay. He's going to have a baby. That's cool. Yeah.

I mean, take me to the airport. Here's the thing. You offered. You offered. You said to me, I'll pick you up. This is why he doesn't pick me up. This piece of shit. It is a half hour before he's supposed to be at my house, like eight o'clock in the morning

until 30. He calls me. I don't answer. I can't sleep, but it doesn't matter. I could have been in the shower. You, when you say I'm going to be there at eight, what do you do? You be there at eight, right? You don't call a half hour before I'm not canceling my trip.

You know, I need the ride. And then he says, I'm not coming. I'm not coming to. So I'm like, how do I get the kid back? I felt long and hard about it. I was like, should I, because his mom died of pancreatic cancer last year. I'm like, should I deface her grave? Is there a way to deface?

I've never even defaced a grave in my eye, but you could hire people, right? To deface a grave. What if you dug her up? I'm just, these are the thoughts I'm having in my head. Now I understand these are the thoughts I'm having in my head. What, and this is one of my best friends. I truly, I love the guy and he's been very good to me. I think Dordesh might be here.

He's been very good to me and I do love him. He's like a brother, but I'm like, what if we dug up his mother or to face the grave? You know what I mean? Put swastikas on it. Try to get her kicked out of the cemetery. Then I was like, maybe cause I know his dad and I have his dad's phone number. I love his father's father's a great man.

Could I pay people to call his father as his mother in the middle of the night and pretend that it's the mother calling the father and maybe she's like, I'm in hell. What did you do to me? I'm in hell. I'm thinking about like, how do I creatively do something because it's, you don't not drive someone to the airport. It's not right. It's not right.

I confronted him about it and he's like, oh, I have Uber. Can you leave it in the, just we're going to wrap up. We'll eat and then we're going to come back and do more. But come here for a second, Brian, because I want your thoughts on this. What if I had, cause I have his father's number. I love his father's father's a good man. But is it fun to get back at him by having someone call the father in the middle of the night as the dead mother and claiming to be in hell?

Like the, like she goes, I'm in hell. What did you do to me? So I'm like, so now I'm like, now I find out, oh, he's having a baby. Do we kill his child? Like these are all because you don't not jump to somebody for the airport. What about the dog? I blocked his dog on Instagram. His dog is on Instagram.

I blocked his dog because I didn't want him trying to get to me through the dog. Right. I started talking to him since then, but he's, he doesn't deserve me as a friend. He doesn't deserve a celebrity friend. He's in the weed business, which is the most boring thing ever. And he drones on and on about grow operation. No one gives a fuck. Shut up dummy.

No one cares what you're talking about at all with your fucking weed business. You're fucking working for a drug dealer. Okay. He's not Warren Buffett. He's a fucking drug dealer. And I'm glad that you're, I'm glad that, oh, and that's every weed company. That's fine. I'm glad you're making money doing it.

I don't think it should be illegal, but let's not talk about it like it's a fascinating fuck a bit. It's just not, it's not a fascinating bit. Oh, what do you, you have the weed and people buy the weed. Shut up. We get it enough. You're a boring fuck. So usually he is, he's just a boring, pouty little bitch.

He pouts a lot. He's always like, you know, so he's dating someone who's going to have his child who is a in the dreamer program. She's a dreamer. Can I get her deported? I mean, genuinely, can I get her to commit a crime? Can I convince her to commit a crime? Can I go to her to commit a crime so I could get her deported?

These are all thoughts that are appropriate. These are appropriate thoughts. You can't let people fuck you. Am I wrong here? No. I didn't do a lot of this. It takes too much effort. We put too much money in the studio.

I can't hire people to deface graves. I just don't, I can't pay everyone. I got too many. I'm paying this guy. I can barely talk. Can barely talk. Can't look anything up. I should have him to face a grave.

I should tell him that's part of what he's doing now. You go into the face of grave. I've decided not to. I've decided to start speaking to him again on a limited basis to see if he can earn the friendship back. But don't enough with the con. Tell me I can't have condiments, you know? But this is the thing.

It's like, how do you get anyone back now? How do you get anyone back? You can either cut them off or you have to go big. You really have to go big. You know, we're going to take a break now. We probably need to reheat the quesadillas anyway because, you know, it's the traffic in the city is like you order something. You get it three days later.

They've eaten half of it. You know what I mean? There's people, all these, a lot of these people living in their vehicles. It's very hard. Like they're, they're sleeping on a, you know, a fucking pizza bar. It's like, it's a, it's a, it's an utter nightmare here, which is why what a joy a pandemic would be. What a great change of pain.

Everybody was like mad about the pandemic. They're all the worst people through all the worst. Oh my God. I hope that. I don't know. I'm just sort of sex. We're going to Mexico and it's coronavirus. I hope that it doesn't.

Oh, I hope it does. I hope it does. I hope you're wheezing on a beach. I hope you're wheezing on a beach somewhere. I hope your girls weekend goes so south so quickly. I hope you're wheezing on a beach and I hope that there's fucking little Chinese guys would fucking, you know, like those big fucking bug nets and they're just fucking throwing them over you because that's what happened to

the other guy. That's where I'm thinking, but I'm going to be friendly again with, with Michael, but I mean, wasn't he wrong? He was in the wrong completely. He should take you out maybe on a vacation or he should run a house out in Malibu for the weekend. I think you should go big. These are good ideas to win back my friendship.

Would that be enough for you? Something like that? No, it would be a start. It would be a start to open a dialogue. I think that would be a start to open a dialogue. Okay. He is really one of my best friends. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Like we have to, we have to realize. I did. I would feel weird like going into facing his mother's grave. Yeah. Yeah. That would probably be too much. Right?

You think so? Yeah. Then say, I think it's illegal. Also. Then say that because he's a Christian. He's a Christian. He's a Christian. He's a Christian.

He's a Christian. He's a Christian. He's a Christian. He's a Christian. Also. Then say that because he's a Christian. He believes in all this mumbo jumbo. He believes in all this mumbo jumbo.

When I'm dead, I want you to take me out fucking party on and fucking throw my fingers in a restaurant and stuff. I want you to take my rod and corpse, use it in a political I don't even have to agree with. I don't even have to agree with what your stances. You just take my rod and corpse and go all over the place with it and animate me or whatever. I mean, I'm for it, you know, I just hope that people aren't

listening to the show and they've found out or they think that I'm a bad person because I had some of those thoughts because those are normal thoughts to have when you are wronged like that by a friend who says I'm on my way to work now. I called you. You didn't answer. I thought something was up. So I turned around and went the other way.

What? Excuse me. No good. No good. So I thought there would have been nothing wrong with, you know, or calling or I was thinking about accusing him of rape. Like as a woman, like as a woman creating a woman or paying a woman or several women potentially to accuse him of rape or

to call his parents, like his father and his brother and say, I was raped. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do any of it because I'm, you know, but these are all, this is what they call a proportional response. He has your AirPods also. You know, now that I think about it, he still does have my AirPods.

I had to go buy $200 AirPods. I'm going to deface the grave. I think I'm going to deface the grave. I really think I'm, what if I just write Trump 2020 on the grave and so people think she's a Trump supporter. All right. Let's go eat. We'll be back.

All right. We're back everybody. I did a spot at the comedy store in LA. A lot of fun. We are on the second leg of the show. We're slightly calmer. I filled in for Eliza Slesinger and me and her have different fan bases.

There was a lot of hot chicks in the show with the boots up on the stage, but it was a great set. They were a fun audience and I'm thankful that I was, you know, thanks for putting me in coach. A lot of fun. Some of the women, you know, chatted during my set, but I get it. If you come to see her and you see, you get me.

It's a little bit of a culture shock. You know, I get it. She's very successful. She's got, I don't, I don't, I met her once and it was, we had a little bit of a, it was like, it wasn't great, you know, or meeting. It wasn't phenomenal. I don't, you know, I'm not going to go into it.

I don't want to start airing, you know, whatever. It wasn't, it wasn't anything memorable. She wouldn't remember me. It's just like, you know, people said to me, they're like, do you have any, do you have any opinion on the Pete Davidson, Louis thing? You know, and Pete specially described it. I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I have an opinion on it.

They're both millionaires and I'm not. So I'll stay out of it and I'll let them handle it. And I'll, I'll ask them to, you know, buy me a donut. You know, like the, that's where I'll, that's my position. What's, what's your position on the Louis Dave? What? I don't know either of them. What are you talking about?

They're both doing great. I'm, I'm, I got a studio here in an apartment. We're trying to, we're trying to live trying to survive. I got to fucking decide who, who, which one of them I want to alienate. I support both of them. I agree with both of you. Fine.

And if either one of you want to produce anything I'm doing, let's, you know, Hillary Clinton is starting a podcast and many people know my affinity for Hillary Clinton. And I don't even mean as a joke. I do respect. You can't be a student of history and not have some level. I don't want to use the word affection, but you, you are in awe of certain people's abilities, certain people's

abilities. Even if they are murderers, even if they have sexual problems, as her husband seems to, but you look at a guy like that. It was a Rhodes Scholar smart guy. The human brain is fascinating. Some of the most talented people in the world have things that are deeply wrong with them. Michael Jackson, you know, maybe Woody Allen.

I don't know. Maybe I, you know, allegedly like brilliant people, insanely talented people in, in certain cases have real issues. You know, Bill Clinton was an incredibly gifted political mind. Watch his speeches. Watch his ability to communicate with people. He would go into a room and make these, you know, single mothers think he gave a fuck and he wanted to fuck.

He didn't give a fuck. He wanted to fuck. It's a different. It's an amazing skill set. And there's very few people that I've seen have things that approximate that skill set up close. Some people are magic. I've met a few people that are magic.

Have those quite your odd Carmichael comedian producer has a quality of magic where when you're talking to him, you feel like you're the only person he's talking to or thinking about or he's, he makes you feel very good. Now he's a good guy. I'm not saying that this is not, you know, who he is, but I'm also saying that like it's a skill. It's a skill. Some of these people are great salesmen.

Some of them are great politicians. None of the words because the word salesman makes you think of somebody like me, you know, it doesn't make you what I'm, what I'm trying to describe is hard to really put into words because it's, it's a magical quality that certain people have star power or whatever you want to say. It's infectious. You want them to like you. You trust them.

Hillary Clinton did not have any of that. She didn't have it. Her husband had it. Hillary has a lot of other qualities. She's a great deal maker. She's a great behind the scenes operator. She's, you know, a tough bitch. She knows how to, you know, string up a noose.

Metaphorically, but was elected the governor of art. You know, he went to, where did he go? Georgetown. Yale, Harvard, Oxford, Yale, Oxford, Georgetown. His mentors, a guy named Carol Quigley, who wrote a book called Tragedy and Hope, which is this huge epic history of the world and our time talks about, you know, the Eastern establishment, the Anglo American empire, everything. It's really a history of everything.

And, you know, people have put it, you know, as a, you know, it's like, they've said the genre is, you know, conspiracy literature, but it's really, it's much more than that. It's really an amazing compendium of all of these councils and all of these groups of people that have shaped and continue to shape the world. And that was Clinton's mentor. And Clinton was elected to governor of Arkansas. I believe it's 31.

He was like the boy governor. He was a young governor. Right about the time the CIA was flying, you know, planes full of Coke and Amina, Arkansas and dropping off that so that we could put it into inner cities and fund the Contras. It was, you know, that's, there's so much evidence of that. And Clinton was, you know, like, hey, you know, kept his mouth shut. There were two boys who were hanging out down by where one of those drops was

happening. And I think their name were like Kevin Lyles and Don something. I don't know. The boys on the tracks was the documentary about it or the film about it. And they, they were somewhere in the secret airfield or wherever where they were, they had witnessed something they should not have witnessed. And then like many young teens do, they ended up smoking marijuana and falling asleep on the train tracks.

Well, I've smoked a lot of weed and I've never fallen asleep on the train tracks, but this is the story. You have their names? Don Henry and Kevin Ives. Yeah. Kevin Ives and Don Henry. And they ended up, you know, falling asleep on the train tracks and getting killed.

Nobody bought this. But, you know, they witnessed something they shouldn't have witnessed. This is when, you know, and is Clinton the governor at this time? I'm pretty sure he is. Yes, he is. Yeah. Clinton's the governor of Arkansas during this time. So again, this is, you know, his bona fides are established here.

He then is mentored and guided, you know, then he ends up at like the Bilderberg conference. Again, it's the governor of Arkansas. What is the state of Arkansas? I have to say about international finance. Not much, but he ends up there and then he ends up getting elected to the presidency twice and defeating George H.W. Bush, friend of the show, done many episodes on him, many episodes on the Bush family.

Don't worry about them. They get a poppin, you know, you know, there's no shrinking violence over there. They're deeply connected much deeper than the Clintons. The Clintons were like trash, you know, in this sense that they were, you know, being you, but the people that make the Clintons, like, and I do it too as a joke, you make them like into a boogeyman. They're not running the show. They are.

They're they're amoral people. That is why I do it because I want you to know how amoral your leaders are. But when it comes, you know, the Bushes were deeply connected to the intelligence apparatus deeply. Um, but Hillary is now starting a podcast, my friend Hillary. I mean, I don't want to do a million hack jokes about her podcast. It's just, here's what I will say. How far the mighty have fallen.

How far the mighty have fallen from the world stage. From murdering Vince Foster from arranging the suicides of many of your secret service people from the Clinton global initiative, laundering dark money from all over the world from the Epstein's from the islands from little St. James to reading an ad for blue juice. How the mighty have fallen. It comes for all of us at the end, doesn't it folks? I talked about it earlier in the show.

I watched a little bit of a CPAC, you know, the conservative political action conference. I want to say this and I want to be clear whether you are a young college kid at CPAC in khakis and a blue blazer, or you're in skinny jeans at a Brooklyn DSA meeting. If you are actively involved in politics when you're young, you were a closeted homosexual. That is it. If you and a bunch of other men are going into hotel rooms to debate each other, stop it. You're wrong. You want to suck their cock.

I get it. I did it. I was on the debate team. I get a bunch of dudes in suits walking around a hotel showing off their brains, their big hard brains. I get it. That might not be all of you, but the amount of hot sex going on at CPAC right now, the amount of people taking balls to the chin.

After listening to Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom, that con artist, remember her? I mean, you got to respect the level of grifter and con artist that's at CPAC. She was engaged. She was like married to Gavin Newsom who ran San Francisco. He was the governor of California. He's the governor of California now. And now she's dating Donald Trump Jr. And then the pit stop between those two was Fox News.

God love her. God love her because there's a version of her in Tampa getting railed out by a failed real estate developer doing lines of coke on her waterfront property. That's really three blocks from the beach, but she fucked her way into the White House ish. They're probably not allowed in the, but good for her. These con artists and the Democrats aren't any better. I mean, if you're at a political conference, what are you doing?

Didn't you hear what I just said about Mina Arkansas and you think anything Mercedes slap is saying Google Mercedes slap? Who's this? Who's this broad? She's getting up in front of a conference room. Socialism's bad. It's an honor to die. You want to know who she is?

I'd love to know who she is. I can hate on her. She's an American lobbyist and columnist. Oh, great. She served as White House director of strategic communications in the Trump administration. Since July, 2019, she has worked on the Trump 2020 reelection campaign. These people by and large have nothing to say. The Republican Party has been devoid of anything.

Listen, guys like Bill Crystal, these guys justified genocide, but at least they wrote books. At least they knew how to speak. The clown car of grifters, liars and thieves that has become the modern Republican Party is kind of hilarious. And, you know, listen, not that the, I mean, the Democratic Party, I don't have to say this. You have nine people having a breakdown on the debate stage every night.

And the CIA is, and the fucking billionaires send in Mike Bloomberg, who like has far less charisma than like Momar Gaddafi. Like, you know what I mean, like this guy, he's trying to literally steal the election from people that are Tom Steyer is criminally insane. And I support him. I'm a Steyer stan. But he just performed with juvenile. He just does a rap thing with juvenile.

I think they were doing back that ass up, which is a great song. But Tom Steyer is a billionaire. He's dancing on the stage. The country's a joke. It's a literal joke that you would, you would, you would pitch this show in a writer's room and get doled to sober up. Nobody would believe this. These are billionaires that are bored and they're getting out there and performing with

rap. She got a CPAC and you watch everybody fight it out. Everybody's talking about taxes and they just want to suck each other's cocks. And why not? They find some, uh, some drag queen and went into a library and we're all by the way, not only have I never seen a drag queen in a library, I've never seen a library. Where are these libraries? Who's reading?

Who are all these children being read? Who's reading? Where are the reading programs? I mean, I've already thought on record and said that it's, it seems very forced and weird that drag queens are in the library is reading the kids odd. They're in weird costumes. They're not overtly sexual, but in some of these dances they do are suggestive and strange. I don't, I don't, I'm like, what the fuck?

I see this and I have a natural aversion to anything that sexually, but it's also interesting that it's being portrayed as a national epidemic that like it's just happening all over the place. And it's like, and a lot of it is because the economic policies don't work and no one can get anything done in Washington because like it's just gridlock and nothing gets done. So you just get a tax cut. They flood the market. They keep the interest rates low.

They suppress them artificially. You know, I mean, it's just wages don't go up. Healthcare doesn't get fixed. Everything ends up costing more money. There's a certain amount of rage that people have. So you got to like direct it at the real problems in the country, the drag queen in the library and Colin Kaepernick. Cause that's what they're talking about a CPAC.

Those are the big problems. Colin Kaepernick and the drag queens at the library are the reason that you went bankrupt three times because of a knee operation. It's like, and it's just the people that are at CPAC and I'm not a model, but some of the people at CPAC, like the way they look, like the German anti Greta and I've said Greta is creepy and strange. And I think it's weird that Democrats have no problem throwing a 17 year old girl into the ring with Donald Trump.

I mean, it's barbaric. You shouldn't have kids making points. I don't care what David Hogg thinks. I don't care what Greta thinks. How dare you? Like I don't, I don't want children. I don't need to be lectured to by children. And I think it's pretty fucked up to trot children out and let them just get attacked.

But this girl looks, I mean, Naomi, whatever. Naomi's see it. I mean this one. She describes herself as a climate realist. She has also had to deny she made remarks that could be seen as anti-Semitic following an attack on us on a synagogue last year. I stand here. We stand here.

I mean, I didn't know she was real. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. I don't know what she's like, but I've learned about climate is the jewel. The jewel will come. Like she's at CPAC and she's like, they're like waving her down. They're like, they're giving you the light. They're like, it's time to go.

You know, at the end of her speech, she's like, did you come into your country? And they start to manipulate the weather, the weather. And they're like, all right, give her a hand, everyone. Give her a hand. Thanks so much. Fun. Can you imagine going to a political conference? What type of loser do you have to be to be standing in a ballroom listening to these people speak?

Any party. The same thing with the DSA people that are in Brooklyn, when all that shit, they can't even afford a hotel. They could have their parents paid. But it's the same. It's like, listen, I'm not telling you not to help people, but this is not helping. None of this is helping. Showing up to the Gaylord Hotel, hilarious, which is such a trashy hotel.

My friend, Michael, who spoke about him earlier, was like, if you go to Dallas, you got to stay at the Gaylord Hotel. It's perfect. It's big. It's ready. It's grotesque. If you look at the Gaylord Hotel, they're grotesque. I've been to it.

It's trash. It's trash. They have a big ice sculpture thing you can see on Christmas. Yeah. They have a river walk. Yeah. San Antonio has a river walk. Everyone in San Antonio is 450 pounds.

Okay. And they scoot down the river and they just eat churros. Okay. And they don't share them with the birds. The birds in San Antonio are emaciated. They're about to die. The birds on the river about to die because no one throws them any bread. There's not one carb that gets thrown to a bread at the San Antonio River Walk.

So the Gaylord Hotel has a fucking river walk. Like I'm going to walk around the river walk. So it's like, listen, some of the kids that went to CPAC are friends with me on Instagram. Like one of these, one of these kids, I forget his name. He works for like Tucker Carlson's thing. And like when we made the, when we made, they wanted to introduce me. Somebody reached out from the Daily Caller. They're like, we'd like to interview you.

I'm like, let's not, let's just not. You know what I mean? Somebody also sent in a request from like Love It or Leave It, that podcast. Oh yeah. They're like, we want to interview you. I'm like, let's not. I interview myself for several hours. We're good.

We're good. That's okay. And then they were like, well, could you do, you should do a video for us. I'm like, oh, I'm just independent. We just do independent videos. Thank you. I appreciate it. They're not bad kids, right?

They're not, they're stupid. Cause they're young and they don't realize that nothing they do matters. And you, I get it. I get it. I get wanting to be part of thing is the job and it's fun and it's a convention and it's like, I mean, listen, we're, when we do the convention, a real convention, a sales convention in Arizona and a Marriott for young entrepreneurs that want to get involved in a new company called Jules by podcaster Tim Dillon.

I will show you what a real convention is. Okay. And it's not listening to Dan Crenshaw. I mean, can you stop war is good. I mean, what is the message over there in CPAP? What is, what is the message? Let's just get the last of earth's resources and have a fun time doing it. What's, what's the thesis statement of, of that group at this point?

Health care is great. Shut the fuck up. Everybody's fine. If you have an issue, start a hedge fund. What's the thesis statement anymore of the group? You know, Ru Paul's coming to kidnap your kids. Colin Kaepernick's dishonoring are honorable police who keep shooting black people in the face. Everybody I know in high school that grew up that used to bully retarded people is now a police officer.

Everybody I know in high school that used to spit in the face of retarded people now as a gun. And I'm, we're all supposed to pretend that that's some type of coincidence. One guy with high school was like a baseball guy, a bunch of, a bunch of guys are what we're going to be athletes and that didn't work out. They got injured and now they're cops. I'm sure they're not angry. I'm sure they're not mad at all. And listen, I'm just shitting on the conservatives because they had the conference when the liberals have their conference. I mean, God only people like that, you know, identifying themselves by, you know, what is your gender?

You're gonna have nine name tags. Well, you prefer gender. How far away someone has to stand when they talk to you in case you have a breakdown. The medications you're on so that you could leave your hotel room and function, you know, how loud someone can be. Please don't clap near me. I mean, we saw the DSA thing where they were like, that's coming. And I'll shit on that when it's here. It's just, imagine, I would like, I would, it would end my friendship with someone.

If they're like, I'm going to the political, I'm going to the political convention. What? Yeah, I want to go see Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom. I want to hear her take. And they just get up there. They're like social. What is, what is representative Marsha Blackburn from Tennessee think? What?

I mean, that's the whole thing over there, but there's probably some really, really hot gay sex happening at CPAC. It's just what it is. I guarantee you those grinder apps are going crazy because a lot of these very eloquent, articulate young men are gay. My friends are all straight. They're retarded. My friend, go get my friend and go ask Michael what he thinks about the global economy. I don't like weed. I like pussy and weed.

That's what straight men sound like for the most part, not all of them. Not all of them, but young college dudes that are getting pussy. They're not reading, unless they're total sociopaths like Bill Clinton and they want to just rape. This is what I mean. If you're that, if you're that articulate and you get really excited, like you're on the speech and debate team and you get really excited. And you know, a lot of those guys are like the moral fiber of America's being threatened. You're like, okay, you have come coming out of your ears. The fagotry that is the college debate about politics is like, it's just hilarious.

So like, we have to notice that in the same way that these emaciated, far left weirdos who can't even come because they're on SSRIs and 20 other medications. They come dust and they don't even have sex. They just, they just hold somebody else and cry together and rub their genitals together until they get warm. It's just, how about we tell everyone under 25 to take a knee, shut up, vote, vote, but go live a little. You don't have to be at the Gaylord hotel listening to people vote, do whatever you want. You know, but it's like enough with the Greta's and the dish. So I got to get lectured by a 19 year old who's a climate realist. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.

You're 19. You don't know anything. You don't know that Hillary and Bill, you don't know how they got. That's why you start to, you start talking about the bushes and the Clintons. You're kind of in awe to a degree. I'm like, these little pieces of shit at CPAC, you think that's all it is? You think that's all it is to get on a fucking stage and say, they're low taxes are good. No, you got to kill people.

You got to kill people. Are you willing to kill people? You fraud. You got to, you got to have private islands with blackmail operations set up. You got to overthrow dick. You got to overthrow fucking Democratic elected governments and installed dictatorships. And you got to do it all while you're dancing on Ellen. You don't know what it's like.

You don't know what the sacrifice is really like. You fucking retard. You're getting up at CPAC. Don't you see the bear? You don't fucking know what you have to do. It's like these young comics, you're like, I had a good set. Why aren't I famous? Cause you don't know what that you have to do.

Billie Eilish is killing people out there. Slitting throats. She's a massage agent. That's what frustrates me. People are shitting on Hillary. You don't know what that bitch did. Kimberly Guilfoyle knew some of you. What are you?

You're a cheap whore. Hillary is a real bad, bad bitch. She's a real murderer. So I'm just saying these kids don't know what it is. These millennial snowflake cuts, wanting about their student loans. Don't understand the work it takes to run this country. The dungeons, the blood, the narco trafficking.

It's not just going and having a fun little debate at CPAC. And after you do all of that, and after you murder, and you kill, and you maim, and you torture, after you do all of that, you're still thrown in the street. After you do a comedy special, and a Netflix special, and a pilot, and you have another show being produced by a big producer whose name I don't want to mention because I don't know if it'll work with me again,

probably not, but whatever. The point is, you're still thrown in the street, Hillary, or Tim. And what do you have to do? You have to start a podcast. So welcome, Miss Clinton. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is where we're all at, bitch. I know what it is.

They say you're going to get a certain amount of ads every show, and you're not going to fucking get them because they're lying. But you do a good job on the ads you have. You read that Bluetooth ad. You read that ad, bitch. You get them to buy the Ridge wallets, Hillary, because we're all in the same bag bowl of shit now.

That's what it is. You were high on a horse, jet-setting, arranging executions. You were doing it all. You were doing the most. And now, you're here with the rest of us, with the legionous ganks, with my favorite murder, with come town, with myself. You're here with all of us.

You're just, you're three years away from doing Skankfest. And you don't even know it. And those people will open their arms to you. That's your new fan base, Hillary, even with the global finance and the shadowy intelligence intrigue. Goodbye, international power brokers. Hello, Manscaped. But that's what it is.

Welcome to the show, Hillary. I, for one, welcome you. I think you've got a lot to say. I think it could be very interesting. You could make a good podcast, you could make a good post, do it on your own, get good, learn how to broadcast, learn how to be personal, build an empire, like we're all trying to do, by podcasting.

Because that's the only economy left. Do you understand? Welcome, Mrs. Clinton. I'm honored to have you as a colleague.