The Tim Dillon Show - 190: 190 - I Am Luxury

Episode Date: March 8, 2020

Hotel Tonight, please sponsor the program. Tim explains how to treat the working class, talks the Corona Virus and even free style raps once again. It's all on this episode. Wuhan. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: https://ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet! https://bluechew.com/ use promo TIM. https://mybookie.ag/ use promo TI Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show everybody. We are here in week two of the pandemic. I got diagnosed with strep throat the other day and I thought I had the coronavirus and I thought how funny would it be if the first case of the coronavirus in Los Angeles was a guy who had went on his podcast and said I am for the coronavirus. I want the coronavirus and then the next day I get diagnosed with it. But it was only strep so I'm better now sort of. My voice is coming back. I hadn't had strep throat since I was like 10. That's something you get when you're 10 and you don't realize like being sick is fun when your kid is

fun for at least a few days. You can sit at home. You can watch movies. Back then we went to blockbuster and I'd rent movies, get a bunch of movies, watch them over and over again. My grandmother would make me french toast and grilled cheese. Being sick was good. But when you get older you know it's the hell. You know because there is no french toast and grilled cheese. I mean there's nobody's making you anything. Nobody cares. Even if you're in a relationship or something they don't care. They're at work. Nobody has the time to when you're sick when you're older give a fuck about you. That was the whole thing like when you were

younger people used to go I'll shut down or your grandparents didn't have to because they weren't working. They were like oh just come here and you can be sick and we'll get you better and we feel bad for you and you want to get movies and what do you want to eat and you know. But shrap man and when you're a kid you don't you love like a sore throat. It sucks. But when you're older and you have that shrap throat and you just open your throat and you're staring at the back of your throat and you're like there's a virus in me. There's something in me. I mean it's hard to swallow and you go eventually this is what esophageal

cancer feels like. It's just every sickness when you're over 30 is just a rehearsal for the big one and you don't know which one that's going to be and you don't know when it's going to be. But every mild discomfort you have is a rehearsal. You know every headache is a rehearsal for the tumor. That's the way I think. Every sore throat is a rehearsal for the cancerous polyp. You don't know when it's coming but you know it's coming. It's a fact of life. Every respiratory infection. Every wheezing especially if you're a smoker. It's preparing for when the doctor has you in the office. They call you in that little

office. He goes hey here are the options. What a sentence. Here are the options. You know it's coming. Uncle of mine just got diagnosed with throat cancer. You know great great dude didn't really smoke. You know how to but occasionally you know and so every sickness you get past a certain it's so funny. It's one of the things in life that completely goes 180 degrees the other way. Being sick as a kid's kind of like fun. I mean don't tweet at me and be like it's not fun for Kayla who has leukemia. I'm not talking about that. I'm not just I'm not saying that. Please don't tweet at me. It's not you know who's uninsured little

magical. I get. All right. I'm not saying that. I'm saying when you're bullshit sick as a kid and you get out of school it's fun. But when you're an adult it is not fun because you just think it about. OK dodged a bullet. Every doctor visit over the age of 30 you're dodging a bullet. That's all because we all know the stories now. We all have enough stories. Now you collect them as you go through life in your in your in your teens you have very few. Yes people die but it's the Y is very apparent. They got in a car accident. It was a DWI. It was an overdose. Somebody got shot. It's very cut and dry as to why this

happened. And your 20s it might get a little murkier like but you still kind of know. You know it's like fuck brain care. It's a rare and your 30s people dying to just go that's something something something not good. Just these things start to happen as you get older. Every decade it gets a little bit less surprising. You know 40s is a decade of like yeah the guy just had a heart attack and run and hit his head. His head on a rock. Heart attack didn't kill him but hitting the head on a rock did. My friend told me that story the other day. 40 year old. The guy got a two year old daughter just being out done. Heart

attack head on a rock. Didn't die from the heart attack died from the hitting the head on the rocket running. You know like two people in running Canyon die every week. People don't talk about it. So I'm not trying to make you in a hypochondriacs. I'm just saying that life is too short to not be hateful. You know what I mean. People people don't understand life is too short to hold it in the bile. The bile that courses through your veins like that goo that ran through the sewers. Ghostbusters too. It's too short. You got to let it out. You got to have a group of friends where you can let it out. You have to hate the

right people for the right reasons. You got to hate the right things. That's why hopefully you listen to the program because I do a lot to help direct your anger into the right places where it should go. Where it's productive. But life is just too short. You're going to go. It's coming. It's going to happen sooner than you think. And you know so spend your time on this planet airing out your grievances. I'm telling you you're going to regret it. Spend time on the planet letting people at the hotel front desk know the showers not as warm as you would like. In fact you'd like it hot and it's not what you

consider hot. Have the engineer go in there and check the room. You only get so long on this planet. Let the waiter or waitress know exactly what you think of the club sandwich. If the bacon wasn't crispy enough. Let them know. Don't hold it in. That when you hold it in that becomes cancer. Let it out. Let it out. I'm telling you. I went to the urgent care to get diagnosed. So urgent care is quick. You're in and out. Boom boom boom. That's what I'm into. I like the urgent care because I feel like if I go to like a real doctor I'm going to die because they're going to really look at me and they'll really figure out

what's going on. It's the last thing I want. So urgent care is quick. I don't think any of them are real doctors. They're all like UCB improv kids that are pretending to be doctors. The urgent in urgent care is that they urgently want you out of the office. It's like a five second diagnosis in urgent care. They're like hey what's up. You're like I'm bleeding. They're like yeah it's queen. Here's a script and go. And now that we're in LA and the ticket sales by the way slowing down a little bit because of the coronavirus. So I don't want the half in half out. And I talked to Ben about this. We're really going

to sell these shows out. We're going to rock out. We're not going to give a fuck or we're just going to we'll stay in the fucking in the bunker. But I'm not interested in like half full theaters of people coughing. I want all in or all out. Like people are like oh the last episode you were saying you want a pandemic. I'm like here's what I want. I want it. We're in or out. I don't want anyone losing money but if we are me and Ben have spoken about. Listen then we're all just going to stay in for a little while. That's all. That's what I was trying to say. I'd rather not. I'd rather not people lose money out

there. You know. But I don't want a half way thing where it's mostly hysteria and everybody's losing money for no goddamn reason. But we're in the urgent care and now the urgent care's job is to just tell everyone going to the urgent care that they can't test for coronavirus. The whole urgent care goes listen. If you're concerned about coronavirus you have to go to the ER. We do not have the means to test you here. So literally people walk in and they're like hey I want to be tested for coronavirus. And by the way people with no symptoms because no one cares. These people have no symptoms. They just

simply want to get tested. I just want to be sure. I'm like what. So you have those idiots go in. So I go in. I go in Monday morning and Monday morning my throat. I can barely swallow pain. I mean bad. My tonsils are huge. Feels like I have an abscess in my throat and it's like you're like fuck. So I walk in Monday and I go hey. Okay. Have you traveled out of the country recently. I'm like I went to Vancouver a few weeks ago. Doctor goes okay. And then I went like I wasn't even thinking. I went to the doctor. Like a lot of Asians though and she like pretended not to hear it. She like ignored it. She was still looking

at the chart. Like I was trying to balance because I was like yeah Vancouver a few weeks ago. She probably like yeah that wasn't okay. But I'm like hey but I want to be honest. A lot of Asians over there. Again not being a racist trying to get all the medical information to be accurate. I want you know. And she's like listen it looks like your strep test is positive. And I was like fuck yeah. Thank God. I was like that's good right. She goes yeah yeah I guess. I go yeah it is. You know. So then they give you a steroid shot in your ass. I don't even know what that does. It's supposed to calm your fucking. You know I don't know what

it's supposed to do. But I guess steroids you know they're supposed to help. I think it boosts your immune system. Right. Whatever. You still feel like shit. Right. Maybe they were the right steroids. It's also an urgent care. They could have pretended to do it. They could have just pricked me with a pin and not done anything. You know they're probably just giving fake steroid shots. So I go to CVS and my throat is like just you know and I'm coughing a little bit because you can't really swallow in the water. It's like your water is almost aspirating into your mouth. It's horrible. And then everyone at CVS is looking at you. You

know me and Ben just had lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I was coughing at the table and everybody's looking at you like fuck. Is this the guy. Is this patient zero. Is this the guy who brings it to LA. Is this the guy that brings it to the Beverly Hills Hotel. This motherfucker right now. See the guy. And I'm just there's a table next to us talking about Elizabeth Warren and I'm just sitting there going. And they're just these women are just staring at me. You know staring at me. Their eyes judgmental behind their four hundred dollar sunglasses. I'm a fan of Liz and another thing. Stop going on Twitter

and telling people I supported Liz. And now I'm supporting Bernie. Yeah. Obviously that's it. Guys we get we get it. You self important fucking we get it. You self indulgent pieces of shit. It absolutely logically follows that you'd go from Liz to Bernie. We get it. There's no fucking explanation needed. Keep your two hundred and eighty follower mouth shut. No one needs you to your ten point plan as to why you're switching from Bernie to fucking Elizabeth Warren. Shut up. It's if you're going from Warren to Trump. That's fun. That's fun. And I want to hear it. And I want to see a Twitter thread. I want to see a Twitter

thread of a woman who goes I supported Elizabeth Warren. I'm proud of the work she's done. But now that she's out of the race I'll be switching my support one hundred percent completely to Donald Trump to Donald J. Trump. That's a good thread. That's worth our fucking time. Tell us why you're going to drop now. That would be fun. Not war and a Bernie. We get of course we get it. I just think that Liz did a great job. But because of sexism and because I just and I'm going to support Bernie right now because I feel like he is the candidate with the bet. No I want to hear. I supported Liz but I'm now

supporting Donald Trump. I'm supporting Donald J. Trump because I believe in our strong economy strong borders. That's a fun turn to make. I don't know is Bernie fucked. Here's what I would say. People have accused me that Tim Dillon is ironically trying to be a Bernie bro and now he's I'm there's nothing about I'm not a Bernie bro at all. I like Bernie. I probably vote for Bernie because he's the anti establishment candidate. That being said there's some things I don't agree with them on and I don't know really what his platform will be in the general election but a lot of it I would agree with you know like people not

having to sell their blood plasma. That would be one. That would be one. That would be a strong agreement I have with Bernie Sanders that people shouldn't have to sell their blood to live in this country. That's all I mean again. I know that makes me sometime a Hollywood sell out and chill. That's my favorite thing to look Tim Dillon's a show for Hollywood and I'm like yeah because Bernie Sanders is what Hollywood wants. There's not nobody wants that guy. I'm telling you right now nobody behind the wheel of a Range Rover wants this dude. I'm telling you nobody in Hollywood. Nobody on Wall Street. Nobody in Palo Alto. Everybody

wants somebody else. He's the only guy that really throws a scare into people with money. Trump doesn't stop stop. I'm not saying Trump isn't at war with other parts of the establishment. He is political establishment 100% but Trump does not bother rich people other than aesthetically. Like they don't like how vulgar he is and how crass he is but he's not fucking with them. He said he was going to eliminate that carried interest loophole. He didn't do it. He said he was going to rain Wall Street and I mean he's done the opposite and listen the economy is good. It's good right now. Wages aren't up. You don't have insurance

you're still fucked. That's my thing. I'm like listen my friend's mother got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I mean this is the woman that I considered defacing her grave last week but I will now use her to make a point. I only considered it briefly and I don't even know how much money that would cost and I was just going to write Trump 2020 on the grave so that other people I just think it's funny to make a grave a Trump supporter. I think it's hilarious to go to someone's grave and put Trump 2020 all over their grave. Like just put all kinds of I think that's funny. This woman fought pancreatic cancer for 10 years

and lived and you know inspired like walks and all this stuff but like during that time went into deep debt you know the you know mortgaging the house over and over had to declare bankruptcy you know eventually taking the phone off the dodge and creditors and stuff and you're like she felt guilty that she was still alive she's like I feel guilty I'm saddling my husband with this kind of debt I'm alive you know what kind of system is that you know and the Republican answer to that really is who cares I mean that's really who cares that that's the Republican answer to that is we don't care that's truly what

it is if there's a God God's gonna figure it out we care about we care about aborted fetuses we mentioned them all the time we keep track of how many they are you know how many aborted fetuses and then the Republicans are like you know how many aborted black fetuses there are cuz Republicans love black babies you didn't know that I didn't know that either they adore black children they love them especially when they get to be teenagers so Republicans want more black kids around I didn't know that but having gone on Twitter and read about aborted fetuses and how many of them were black and that Republicans adore

black people that was funny too it's like you know during the whole immigration argument they're like immigrants come to this country they take jobs from african-americans it's like this is the angle now they're like how are these african-americans gonna make a living it's like remember when you were flooding their communities with cocaine so you could sell weapons to the Contras remember that not too long ago remember all that stuff um but you know I just don't understand how you can I understand being pro life I'm with hey if that's your conviction good for you I don't

understand being really pro life and then hearing a story like the one that I just told and going yeah you know we'll let the market figure it out we'll let the market figure out at what point this woman should disconnect her phone while she's fighting for her life trying to be a mother and a wife fighting for her life we'll just you know hey is that even political anymore I mean honestly is that even a political question like I don't even understand if that's a political question that that system is fucked and the and the the answer to that on on on the republican side is well you know and they'll go

into this long explanation about how why everything's fine and you're like okay but what are we gonna do now you know but we need a trillion dollars for the Pentagon we need a trillion dollars for the Pentagon need a trillion dollars to non-stop build the future of weapon systems we need that we need to be in a forever forever and ever and ever our civilization should only dedicate its resources to building ways to deliver death to the poorest people in the world that's what we should do every every innovation we have should be about trying to find another way to kill mass amounts of people you know I mean we

need a trillion for that I don't know if you can we can give any money to you you and your pancreatic cancer you're a big bummer big bummer but we like but I love that the idea is like that somehow I've gone Hollywood I hate the left I I don't I'm not a Marxist I hate identity politics I think the corporate left is particularly disgusting I think there's some smart thinkers on the left there's some smart thinkers on the right too people are like one guy on the patreon which I'm not even gonna read anymore but one guy goes oh you can't say Bernie Sanders is anything valuable to say in quote Thomas Sowell it's like you can

you absolutely can absolutely can Thomas Sowell might hate everything Bernie Sanders has to say that doesn't mean that Bernie Sanders and Thomas Sowell don't have some overlap there there probably is the solutions are probably different but again it's like the reason that you don't have a podcast and that no one listens to you and no one cares about what you say is because you are a person that can't fathom that you haven't figured it all out that's really what it comes down to out there wherever you live and I'm sure it's great but we're at wherever you happen to be you don't like that there's somebody out

there that might add to the dialogue and it might not line up with everything that you figured out in your life in your life of learning and acquiring all the knowledge that you've acquired I don't know how I imagine most of it through podcasts and cable news because you're a smart guy and you know you know that everybody that thinks to the left of you is wrong about everything and there's no way that any of them are right thank you I have such smart listeners I forget sometimes how intelligent my listeners are and how lucky I am to have them I'm so lucky to have so many smart people like when I have somebody on the

patreon they disagree with and they go oh there's a lot of smart conservatives though you should add a smarter conservative on really so that's what you wanted you wanted a smarter version of the thing you hated you wanted a more effective version of what you hated okay well find one you know we'll find one for you that's my favorite thing you're like this episode sucked I I hated this guy I can't believe you had him on and next time find a version of him that's smarter what I want to be more enraged thank you all you know the idea that you can't hold different ideas in your head at once like I think this woman should

have been given health care but I also considered defacing her grave these are two ideas that were held in my head simultaneously you know I don't know the best way to do it I don't know if getting rid of the private health insurance is completely the way that to weighted the way to do it I think Medicare for all is probably the direction we need to move in as a country 100% how you move in that direction we'll see I don't know but Bernie's the only guy if you're if you're a student of history and even not history of fucking the present which takes a lot less just be a student of the present understand what's happening

in front of you Bernie's the only guy they're scared of they're scared of him not even the republicans his own party the republicans are probably scared of him too but his own party is frightened of him you know Khlobu Char Pete Buttigieg dropping out both indoors in Biden right before the South Carolina primary is as close as you get to a maneuver a manufactured set of circumstances to boost Biden Warren staying in by the way all of these things boost one candidate yes Bernie didn't connect with black people he didn't connect with you know older women older voters but that being said one of the

reasons that Biden got a groundswell of support was because this race had a lot of different people in it up until the fucking night before when two of them said by the way vote Biden vote for Joe and that got him more momentum now that doesn't mean that Sanders people don't have work to do with young people a lot of young people didn't show up he you know I think he went a little too hard at Obama and I think that's why a lot of the African-American you know Democrats that's a sizable you know group there it's a sizable I forget the word but it's just like a sizable part of their coalition of the Democrats have always you

know I forget the I forget the word and I know everyone on Twitter is gonna be like I know the word I know a word here what is it contingency what is like when you're it's an interest group within the party I'm trying to figure the word the word like they're a they're important like women are an important blank of the Democrats so you're important I don't know I don't know I know what you're trying to say if I can't yeah word either so you know maybe Sanders is fucked maybe you're gonna have Joe Biden who is whose brain is broken whose brain is melted who can barely string words together who's very creepy with women

and children he's a creepy guy you're gonna run him you're gonna run a guy who's a Washington insider who's hopelessly corrupt whose son is working everybody in Washington Sun works for the same Ukrainian energy company by the way isn't that fun you're gonna run a corrupt guy with dementia so if he does remember what he says it's going to be a lie it'll be corrupt because he's you know you're running against Trump now Trump is another guy who's a liar who I don't know people are saying that he's in some stage of mental decline he's doing a lot better than Joe Biden maybe he is crushing Adderall and a story and I don't

know but he's doing a lot better than Joe Biden he's much better than Joe Biden I don't know what to tell you just old guy versus old guy you go with Trump in terms of cognitive abilities easily easily you go with Trump you go fuck yeah you know that guy is what he's entertaining I mean Joe Biden was not a vice president that anyone truly gave a fuck about he was just there he was making gaffes in the primary so Obama's the first nice clean black guy that ran for president like these are the things he was saying in the primary I mean the Trump versus Biden debate will be the debate when we go we don't need a

country anymore it'll be so embarrassing we will call China like a kid at a sleepover that's not working out calls his parents and we'll be like come now don't wait get in the car I'm ready now we're ready let's go let's get out of here we don't care how many bat flu's you got just come and run this thing please one thing you guys know how to do is run something efficiently you know there's something likable about Biden because he's just just so out of it yeah you know what I mean what do you say last debate he's like Tommy come lately no one knows cuz everybody jack and Chuck yeah he's out of it he's an old man

late 70s you know yeah should be put out to pasture he's about to be the president he's running to be the president of the United States the guy should be walking around you know the edge of his property kind of muttering to himself yeah come on in dad it's dinner time that's what the stage of life you should be at it's gonna be the president whoa oh get a ridge wallet ridge.com slash Tim T I am do you like that Ridge do you like that Ridge I have a beat prepared do you want to you know yeah here we go wow yo Ridge wallet are you using an old leather wallet just stop it just see smile it faker liar get

the new Ridge that shit is fire stop talking about white genocide in South Africa it might be an issue but I don't know it also might be a hysteria whoo is it a bio weapon maybe but stop your fucking schlepping and get a Ridge wallet 9-eleven didn't happen the towers are still there thank you Ridge wallet comm slash Tim was very funny it's very comedic what we do here many other podcasts are not funny and they do better than us but they're not funny very interesting if you're a comic and you're not funny you have a real chance of making it like if your comedy is for like I just it's

amazing to me it just if you don't have anything funny to say this might be the job for you yeah right truly like what somebody tells me they're a comic now and I'm like this guy's not funny I'm like you're gonna do well you're gonna do very well gonna do very well have nothing funny to say it's gonna happen gonna happen for you Ridge wallet comm slash Tim goodbye there's nothing like it good I just I just I'm having the apartment I live in detox from the strep germs the chemicals we're having in a maids command and you know having all the bedding taken out and so I'm in a hotel for a few days there's nothing

better than a nice hotel there really isn't and I learned it from my mother my mother loves hotels people that really love hotels hate their lives because that's what a hotel is it's a break from your life it's like let's get away from your father let's just get out oh another swim meet great and we get to stay in a hotel it's just far enough away where we can stay in a marriott and have the breakfast buffet and I don't have to look at this guy that I married and I don't have to sit in my house I don't have to sit in my loveless home if you really love hotels like you know you just you hate your life you look around at

the four walls you live in and you go huh but a hotel's nice it's a nice change of pace it's a nice pretend and I remember that my mother loved when we when I found out that the swim meet was far enough away where we couldn't drive home the next day and we had my dad wasn't the dad from Forrest Gump like he wasn't raping us and drinking on the couch they just hated each other just didn't like each other right they didn't like each other after a while there was just nothing to like after a while you hit a wall you just hit a wall and you gotta find then you got to find a partnership that makes sense and then

most of it is like raise the kids let's raise the kids some of it's like let's make money you know when you see like a husband and wife realtor team in the suburbs they hate each other they're just trying to do something so that they don't have to hate each other and and and God bless if it works maybe I don't know my parents weren't fucking real terms I'll tell you that much poor fucks but every now and then we could get away go to a hotel be away from our lives from our home be away from all of the things that make you cry that make you sad you check into a hotel you're a different person you're a guest you're

somebody's get I am a guest here this situation is impermanent but it's beautiful you clean up the room you clean up after me you bring me food in my bed I can eat my bed if I want cuz I'm a guest things are special makes you feel like when you were a kid and you were sick and you left school and your grandmother came and got you said what do you let's hit blockbuster on the way home let's get you what you want to eat you're a guest this doesn't happen all the time you're sick you've earned this treat don't get a little fucking don't get a little Roy Rogers little Roy Rogers back to the future whatever you

were watching at that time in your life you know and it was something nice and that's the way I feel in a hotel I I check in and I want to let them know I want to let soon as I check into a hotel I want to let them know I'm going to be a problem that's the first the first thing I do when I check in a hotel is alert them to the fact that today you're going to work today you're going to go to work today I know that a lot of you are young and hot and you think the service industries for young hot people and you see celebrities here and occasionally you take a shot with them and maybe they take in the room and fuck

you or whatever what you think it's cool you think it's cool well let me tell you that all ends right now because it's work it's work today I've arrived first thing we do let's talk about the room where am I going yes I booked third party yes I booked third party stop yelling that out like I give a shit I'm a proud member of the American people okay I have privileges you don't even know about I have pretend privileges that are unearned that I will fucking try it out in front of you yes I booked your hotel tonight yes it doesn't matter I'm still gonna lie and I have a assistant that booked the room I said you booked third

party hotel tonight and I go oh did she oh did she my assistant handles this I pick a nicer hotel and then I usually say I go oh I'm oh this isn't the Beverly Hills hotel where's this oh oh I guess this will be okay I walk into the hotel I'd look around and I'm horrified no matter how palatial and beautiful it is I'm kind of off I'm like confused I'm confused I go to check in I go I don't know what what's happening I try to get my assistant on the phone which is very tough because I do not have one I try to get my assistant on the phone there's a problem with the rooms the room not a suite is the room now hold on hold on that

Asian couple will be fine you get to them in a minute they're quiet people they will wait they're quiet respectful people that's why they're running the world they will wait allow me this moment so explain to me that the room's not a suite when the room is the suite I go explain to me what it is what is the room it's a bed like a shelter is it quarantine is it woo-hoo quarantine yes gay guy thin gay guy who thinks he's the shit you're at work today you're at work today I'm sorry I apologize okay I'd like to be on cocaine sucking everyone's cock too but guess what we got to work so the first thing I do is we let them

know room services what 24 hours at a full menu can I get the restaurant food delivered to my room or am I gonna have to go with that in-house dining menu that in-house dining menu or will you bring me up your restaurant food to my room already they start to kind of like to like I they're like yeah we should be able to work something out okay what floor am I on to I'm on floor two right now but I got a better I got a better room that's why I took floor two but usually if they give me a low floor I go I'm I'm I'm sorry do you even you have rooms on those floors you have guest rooms that's not some type of is that

not like an underground garbage facility that the hotel uses do you actually have a room on press them I like to call I like to call up as soon as I get in a room I like to call the front desk I go hi am I in the wrong room oh no they oh this is it I go this is it then you go like this you go no that's fine okay yes hey hey it's fine I'll make do that's a great one I go I'll make do I'll make do and I call I call about five minutes later I go you know the water in the shower isn't hot I like to steam in the shower a little bit I also would like a seat in the shower like a marble ledge I can sit on and steam I like to after the

shower I like to spend 20 minutes just with the water running really hot because of climate change and then breathe in the vapor of the shower it opens me up because I speak for a living is that any way we can do that and we can find a seat for me in the shower I don't love the water I noticed a little orange under one of the seats of my rooms I called up I said no there's a there's an errant piece of fruit in the room was that in someone else's mouth that had coronavirus that's the first thing I said I go with someone coughing on that that had coronavirus is that is that part of the welcome package hey is

the orange under the under the seat part of the welcome package because what I'm about to do is come down to the lobby and start coughing so is that what you'd like because I could come down to the lobby you start coughing and yelling Wuhan right now because because I'm a wild motherfucker so what I can do is I could come down to the lobby literally bare ass start coughing yelling Wuhan is that what we want yes or no let me know I'm here to help you I'm here to help you okay that's all I want it to be nice I want it to be nice I get a car a lot hotel they knew what we're about we checked in put us in room 911

immediately I go they get it they get it room 911 didn't even ask if it was an issue just put us right in room 911 in New York City a beaut that's a beaut that's a hotel that gets you that sees you and goes fuck yeah understands what was it what what you know when you were a kid did you go on vacations ever once we went to Disneyland everyone fought and then we never went on vacation again we just gave up on it Disneyland in California or a Disney World in Florida how old were you 12 we drove all the way across like in a van we rented and someone had smoked a bunch of cigarettes in it everyone

fought and everyone hated each other the air conditioning didn't work and then we just we literally never went on vacation ever again my mom would be like anyone want to go on vacation this summer and everyone would go nope we're good and then we would just she would cry and then I went on I went on I went on see talks I went on I went on very good we'll do it again next week I stop harassing Van out there by the way yes oh and also hotel hotel tonight please sponsor the podcast thank you yeah good idea I will listen I gotta be honest with you hotel tonight cuz we say a little while shit on here but let's get fucking

real nobody knows luxury like fucking my nobody knows luxury like I do you listening to me okay nobody understands luxury okay like I do you might not like that that might not be nice for you cuz I'm not some young you know half black half Asian you know hot you know whatever pansexual wet nurse I don't know what you want but I'll tell you right now nobody knows luxury like this fat Irish man from Long Island I know it all I've got class for years the Irish have been shit on and called animals for good reason and I've worked hard to fight that stereotype by going to restaurants and hotels at far I have

no money in the bank I'll die I don't care I spend my money on niceties luxuries little macaroons they they brought the room service little macaroons eat them you know that's so I know this shit hotel tonight the hotel tonight is for people that are a lot it's your marketing right now it's people that have fucked last-minute people that you know they come into a city or whatever and they are they're like and it's a great app and whatever and I understand that but I'm telling you right now you got some nice hotels on there you need you need daddy to open the luxury division of hotel tonight

that's what you need luxury hotel tonight luxury I like hotels and this is the slogan are you ready hotel tonight I like hotels because I hate my life hotel tonight be a person for 24 hours be a person till 12 p.m. maybe one if you get a late checkout that's what you need to start marketing as are you disgusted with your circumstances your decisions your friends your family how about a little trip for 24 hours you can exist in a completely different environment where no one can legally tell you to leave hotel tonight do you hate your life perfect hotel tonight I love hotels because I hate my life that's

that's the direction you that it I went when I was a kid to Disney World I've talked about this at nausea my bits about it on stage I'm not going to go into it my parents went to kind of like save their marriage it was a fucking disaster I went back when I was in there I was a tap dancer in a dance troupe I did the boogie woogie bugle boy this is when I was an actor from 6 to 12 I was a fucking actor you've nobody's done anything in this audience 6 to 12 I was an actor I was in nothing really not a lot I was in some community theater I was in some fucking NYU like student film like listen you know I tried I got

to like second call back third call back for grace under fire and then Brett Butler that drunk didn't choose me she chose the sweet life Cody one of them oh yeah Bill Leonard Cody yeah well whatever I was probably a better investment long-term oh Sprouse Cole Cole Sprouse yeah isn't that isn't that aren't they that isn't that the second that two fucking twinks on a boat or something yeah the sweet life of Zach and Cody yeah what's yeah the sweet life of Zach and Cody yeah Cole Sprouse and Dylan Sprouse yeah the Sprouse's they were on the dance night a cruise and he chose those fucks whatever no by guns

and I was a tap dancer before cool black eyes took it over like save you on Glover who's a genius and then everybody wanted to go see stomp but before that fat white men used to dance in this country like Jackie Gleason this is what Trump got elected fat white men who were light on their feet used to dance and people would love it and the cool black eyes started dancing and then what are the white people gonna do they vote for Donald J. Trump what happened was when I went to the Disney World I thought we'd be like a theater or something you know and in the dance in the dance classes there was me there was one other if the

fat kid there was another guy who's the fat guy I don't even know if he was gay or not I think it was sadder if he wasn't gay his name was George and my dad had nothing to be complete like masculine or competitive about with me he was never like oh we weren't in sports so he couldn't be like we're gonna kill the Tigers today or whatever fucking little league team so he's like you're better than that fat George guy like you're better dancer than George I'm like I know I am he's like you're gonna fucking I'm sure they'll give you the bugle boy you know that's all he can be competitive about with me you know poor

guy but you know have more kids you selfish boomer I'm sure that someone else would have came out that would have been better point is fat George didn't get it I got it I was a bugle boy so I get to go down to Florida you know all these you know like truly talentless predominantly Jewish women a lot of Dana's a lot of Rebecca's and just you know like not not good so we go down to Florida you have go play that play the song for boogie boogie boogie boogie I want people to hear what it sounds like it's an annoying 1920s like fucking let me make sure it's not copyrighted yeah right okay yeah I'm sure it is yeah

it's copyright all right but it's like yeah that's a ski and not a fine or whatever I don't know but what it was laughter they fucking we perform on this stage outside in Disney World that's by the bathrooms so all these fat tourists are trying to go there on a bathroom more performing for the bathroom line literally and it smells like shit because the shit is wafting out from the bathroom it's on your 20 degrees and we're just flailing around on this stage in the heat this is what show business really is that's all the people getting a comedy like it's not

fear it's like it's not supposed to be it's watching your life get ground up like meat you idiot so I came from this shit so I knew how fucking so we're like flailing our arms around and dancing and it's the number place over and over again right so there's no new number there's no new day like it's just you saw the one dance and then it's like boom and then it goes it starts again it goes so these fat tourists on the line are like so then they start to turn their back to us because they've had a not mean they've seen enough so literally I'm watching fat tourists on a bathroom line just turn their back to

you in the middle of like that to me is Disney World like that that was you and then at the end of the trip we went on Splash Mountain right and that was fun so that's Disney World and that's the life for most people hell heat the smell of shit and then one moment of weightlessness and then here's a picture that they'll sell you that's what it is you waft through the smell of other people shit you're just sweating you don't know where you're going you don't know why you're there you're embarrassed you're afraid and then at the end you get to go down the log flume you have one moment of weightlessness that's all I

fit you get a photo you know Disney World never did it for me but then my dad my dad actually to his credit took me to a fucking cool place called the Blantyre which was a fucking castle in Massachusetts I've talked about this on the show before that I was into because we saw people that were working class get abused and that made me and my dad happy because we poor people love seeing other poor people get abused and when the woman the old woman was out she's like where's Marie's I've done everything and all my planning has been with Marie's I don't know who you are go and find him go and when you see an old

woman with a chunky jewel necklace throw her hand in someone's face go go go from me now be gone it's great okay see I haven't gone for Bernie bro and and the Blantyre was cool we went a few other places we went to this place to chat at Sheepard and company doesn't exist anymore that was cool you know everybody goes on these all inclusive and I get it because they're regular people and there's nothing wrong with being a regular person it's never really interested me but many of you seem to be having a fine time doing it but the all-inclusive thing or the cruise thing or the I just I it's kind of gross to me

I think going out nature's cool going to different cities cool learning things on your own letting things happen organically but the idea that like when you're treated like cattle which is how a lot of people go on vacations they're treated like cattle and they're basically there they go these people can't make any decisions for themselves and they're right they're right they can't they're right yeah here's how much these people can't make this yeah endorsements still Matt that shocked me in the presidential race like endorsements matter like Jim Clyburn at South Carolina endorsing Biden matters

it's like guys you know who these people are they've been on your TV you've seen them you know what they're about and you still need somebody to go no you click that lever you vote for this person these are grown adults these are grown adults who need another person to go I think you should vote for this person okay I mean so that's my problem with a lot of these vacations is you just don't you're not allowed you know it's all you're corralled into a group and you're like here's what we're gonna do here's we're gonna do and I'm sure a lot of them are fun listen I work a lot I don't go out I travel a lot for work I understand

that there's a but to me it's like it's more fun I think it's a much better story to go to a place with your fiance and you go on a vacation and that and then she gets kidnapped and you have to save her and of course you don't save her that's Hollywood shit she gets killed but then you come back from that trip and you're a different person you understand things that you didn't understand previously you know you're able to kind of process the world in a different way to me I think that's a better I don't know I could be wrong maybe I am but you know but that's my whole thing with uh with where we're we were headed I don't

think Bernie's gonna win which is a bummer but he really could he could um his fans that are kind of throwing their hands up Ray company great tweet he's like you fucking graphic designers your candidate is still viable you're sitting in a coffee shop you know how are you less tough than an 80 year old guy who had a heart attack true you know it's true he's still out there I hope that he wins I really hope and I it would be interesting general election campaign to see those two guys go at it you know as long as Bernie doesn't do something stupid and crazy with the open borders or whatever I think he's got a really

good argument against Trump you know you know that being said what do I know you know I mean I think a lot of it is gonna come down to like what the fuck is this virus gonna do what's the economy gonna do is this a blip is this a fucking real deal thing you know two months from now are we gonna be broadcasting literally from like a safe house somewhere I mean banner just spraying each other with things we're broadcasting in dude we should have done full hazmat suits we should have done full hazmat suits for the show full hazmat suits have fun when you can cough a little bit when you're out I was

at the Beverly Hills hotel just coughed woo-hah sorry I just got back from China I can still smell the body is burning and then and then turn around to the waitress good slice tomato to bring a slight you know is there anything better than a side out there's anything better than a slice of tomato focus very you know good deep red slice of tomato I don't care the Monsanto diet it who gives a shit a slice of fucking tomato will change your life just make you a better

person you know make you a better person the other things I wanted to talk about I think it'd be great if I tell tonight did the sponsors I just don't know if that's gonna happen reach out to them yeah to tweet at them they sponsor the show we don't tell tonight guys and check your avatar before you tweeted them okay if it's an end white genocide avatar let's not tweet at them okay that might not be the you know you know like let's just check our avatar make make sure that our avatar might be appropriate for the corporate sponsorship we're trying to get from hotel tonight it's a great fucking app I got a lot of

status I should be given so much more free shit and I plug people for free all the time I get a lot from the steakhouse is in New York City I talk about quality restaurant group quality meats quality Italian all that stuff except I ate a quality bistro and I was not happy really not happy I hope they get it together but I ate there very early on and I think they'll get it together I hope they get it together because it was really I mean it was a problem it was a problem and and this is my family that's involved in some of that and I love them but I I it was it was an affront to human decency that restaurant at that

particular moment they brought over a hunk of butter and they said we have butter service they were doing a parody on like bottle service ago we have buttered service and I went what what's going on why are you bringing a hunk of butter it's stomach churning to see a hunk of butter and guys you don't understand what I mean hunk I mean a hunk like it was like a foot of butter different flavors of butter no it's just a foot of butter and then they put it on the thing with different spices and herbs and then it's still not good like doesn't taste good bad bad figure it out quality meats one of my favorites

quality Italian love it Smith of Alinsky's classic Don Angie great figure it out quality bistro figure it out there's a lot of people listening to this could be a great pre-theater restaurant figured out that French onion soup was fucking bad it's not good watery not good I pulled the manager aside it's lovely Asian woman I went right up to her and I said this is one of the worst meals I've ever had in my life I looked right at her and I said hi how are you good I said this is unacceptable it's one of the worst meals I've ever had in my life and I don't know what you're gonna do I said I don't know what you're

gonna do here because I can barely even come up with suggestions to make this better because it was such an affront to human decency that the meal the chocolate mousse was served on a slate like it looked like human shit mousse looks like human shit so what you got to do with chocolate mousse is like make it pretty make it pretty you can't put it on a slate like it's shit I was I was a guest I'm gonna give it another shot we might pop in there when we're in the city of car lines I might give it another shot I was unhappy and I was vocally unhappy my mother I grew up with a woman who would put the service

industry through all types of hell it's one of things I respected about her okay okay and she would demand things demand and stop with all your fucking liberal socialists like fucking I feel bad for working class no you don't you're just mad that you suck you don't care about the working class the working class many of them are Trump rallies and many of them are monster car shows you don't care talk about all these people in LA took about the working class and they start quoting Proust stop you in the working class never met each other okay somebody who's broke because they're trying to be a slam poet it's not the

working class it's actually the opposite someone who has the luxury of pursuing comedy and not working is by definition not the working class my mother used to say to like waiters and waiters who she'd go she'd be like I want the french fries lightly cooked and then the fries would come out and they wouldn't be and she would look at the waitress and she go listen I gotta be honest with you she goes if the chef can't make french fries I don't know that he's in the right business she goes I just wonder what I wonder what's going on back there I'm confused you know she would she would she would just

torture people my father watched her once get up in a diner and walk walk into the kitchen and my dad just saw a bunch of like Greek guys like staring at my mother she just yelled at a guy because the fish wasn't done the right way you know she wanted what she wanted when she wanted it brown the cheese on the pizza if the pizza box got lifted up in the restaurant and it was not brown cheese she'd go hey it's gotta go back in gotta go back in when she'd call over this little wop and she'd be like come here and he'd be like this fuck a fuck bitch and he'd walk over and she'd go hey Giuseppe can you put this back in the can

you put this back in the oven your little garlic monkey thanks so let let him out let him know if you're spending money it's okay to hit people it's okay to hurt them it's okay to smash them take the phone right out of their hand I'm talking to you my child no you're not grab the phone your mother's at work it we've been to we've been too nice to pay this is why I think you I I am for giving people health care so I can treat them like shit you understand that I care about people if you don't complain you don't care I want you to be the best I've done this a million times but I want you to be the best so if I see you

not being the best I have to tell you you're not being the best or if your institution is not being the best I gotta let them know I don't I don't rat I'm gonna rat so I won't tell on you but I will just make your life miserable by being myself a lot that's all but that's why I want you to have health insurance I don't think you should get cancer I think you should be able to go to the doctor and then you should be able to go to work and fucking deal with me because it's work time okay I'm sorry good gay guy who's not as good looking as he thinks he is otherwise he wouldn't be working at the hotel I'm sorry it's not time to

just take Molly and zone the fuck out wake up wake up I got a lot of issues is my room a corner room or not oh it's not oh we got a lot of work to do open up the ledger what do we got what kind of rooms we got left that's the reality you know that's why and this this is the working class argument provide the people with health insurance provide them with health insurance so you can spit on them I mean is that wrong I think it's pretty good provide them with a living wage and make them work for it climb over the counter in the Wendy's you can't you cannot yell at a fucking kiosk you can't threaten a kiosk a

touchscreen thing that's why I need real people you can't get real people out of the workforce can't get real people out of the workforce that's why I support giving people health care giving them child care so that their children can be looked after while they are brutalized that's why I'm not a marxist I don't believe in this horseshit world we're not all equal you dumb fuck we're not equal at all you're gonna get the boot in the fucking face but but sugar health care you should get health care but you should also be beaten beaten a lot of that is some of that is kidding but a lot of that is not

I I truly I was beaten I'm beaten now listen all of you giving me your opinions and your fucking tweets that's that's you spitting in my face because I have to listen to that and some of it I have to take into account now none of it but I've had so many shitty job the idea that you don't learn anything from a shitty job this is where those fucking Bernie stands and all you fuckers this is where you don't know you don't know anything about life truly truly don't know anything about life you're all from Vermont your old white you're disgusting point is this I oscillate every week from all left to all right all the

Antifa people are mad now but the other people have their torches up next week they are extinguishing their torches angrily and that and the Antifa people black things like this I imagine people voting for Bloomberg I imagine believing in less than nothing this guy's obviously buying your vote buying the race he's made no qualms about it it's his strategy buying the elections is strategy people that believe in you know mayor Pete or Amy people that voted for them they don't believe in anything either but they they just believe in nothing right they believe in tomato soup civility snow like they like the

holidays they're just those people Bloomberg's people believe in less than nothing it's a nihilism that I could never even get near on my darkest blackest day I mean they believe in less than nothing they're they're pawns in an operation there's they can't if they're not getting anything out of it woo him unless you are woo him unless you are woo him it's not I went to the thing it's not it's trapped it's postnatal but I know rich people from New York City that voted for him sure I know that yeah sure but I mean if you're in fucking Tennessee and you vote for a guy like Mike Bloomberg and you think he

gives a fuck about you just because he's and you're what is your criteria for who you elect how many commercials you see then vote for Hardie's I mean that's it vote for chilies if your only criteria is how many commercials are on the air in a span of time but that's the country you're living in that's the country you're living in you're living in a country where millions of people around the country cast their votes for Mike Bloomberg because he bought up all the air tier or the airtime on their television he bought up all the airtime on their TV so in between and practical Joker's reruns there was a lizard

Bloomberg going I'm gonna man a banner that and then these people while they were eating you know a bowl of Velvita cheese salsa that they had balanced on their stomach they they swallow Bloomberg's ad and they said oh I guess I'll vote for him because I believe in less than nothing I don't even know there's an election happening I barely know what these what what these what's even happening but I'll just do what the billionaire on TV tells me to do I tip very well I will say this I tip really well I think you should always tip well this will be the closing thing of the show because everyone's gonna be like oh

you talk shit about service people I only talk shit about the bad ones the good ones I don't talk shit with and I'm not addicted but I was a bad service industry person so I understand what it is and you do have to just get better what you do and it you know but I tip really why I think you should always tip really really well even if you have a disagreement with somebody like there was a person it was a woman who used to work at his diner and she was very rude to me and I said I was kind of a dick back to it but I still tipped her really well and afterwards as it was walking out of the diner I spit in the face and

and then she ran out after me and I and me and my friends hit her with our car and but I tip 20% always always 20% Tim Miller comedy.com for all the dates for all the tickets for all the tickets in the dates and the tickets in the dates and the tickets. All of the shows are coming up we're in Carolina in New York City we're in Philly, Des Moines March 20th March 19th to the 21st we're in helium comedy club in Philadelphia Pennsylvania come on out to that. Where are we been? Tell them where. Des Moines at the funny bone March 26th through the 28th. Des Moines Iowa come on out that's Johnny

gosh territory yeah are you gonna talk to anybody out there when you're I don't think so I might I don't know Omaha's really where it happened I mean Omaha's the whole Franklin scale but I was where I mean I might take a photo in front of his house everyone will be like that's the guy you kidnapped Johnny I somehow get arrested I wasn't even alive they blame it on me they blame it on Rick um oh you didn't promote Carolines by the way well when does this come out just yet listen guys tonight Caroline's March 12th through the 14th yeah Caroline a lot of tickets are sold there's some left get them yeah Thursday sold out

there's some left Friday Saturday then we got Bloomington House of Comedy April 9th through the 11th listen guys this is my nightmare this is the Mall of America April 9th through the 11th and Bloomington Minnesota this is my literal nightmare we're gonna film a lot of content it's gonna be fun please get tickets for that show Bloomington Minnesota Mall of America April 9th through the 11th I mean this is like everything I talk about it's the physical manifestation and representation of everything I've ever spoken about on the show it's like an indoor roller coaster that like drops you

into a vat of blue cheese it's an absolute nightmare we were discussed in country but please come and enjoy it with me after they are where we Albany at the funny bone funny bone at Albany Albany is a nothing place it's just opioid addiction and nothing yeah April 17th through the 18th there yeah and then back to Texas Dallas Texas at hyenas April 23rd through the 25th yeah April 23rd through the 25th Dallas I love Dallas it's one of my favorite cities I adore Dallas if you don't know why I like Dallas go to corporate steakhouse and listen to that episode I describe what I love about Dallas and then it's

that everywhere you look is corporate steakhouse then the live podcast in LA wow I think it's almost sold out live podcast Roosevelt Hotel Los Angeles wild we should add a second show I'm gonna talk to my agency and a second show I don't know if we can maybe we had a second show that that night well that night we have the late show ready maybe we had a Sunday show I don't know we'll see what we can do then you're going to Columbus funny bone yeah we're not we can't do we're not gonna do a whole tour but go on a fucking website get Columbus funny bone fucks Tim Miller comedy calm you know we do 40

dates here we're gonna sit here like and then you're going to it all but Michigan oh I'm showing the tickets are sold out for the Netflix thing a lot of people are saying tickets are sold out for the Netflix thing let's find out let's see if we can add a show let's see what we can do I don't know if we can do that I mean we've done a lot of great things today I've made the case for national health insurance better than anyone running has why to poor people in health insurance you can demean them you can you can really you know hit them with a fire poker you got you know that's why they deserve it that's why

they deserve it like if you're a lord in England and you're going you know you're in a horse and carriage and there's like a little street urchin and they look up at you and they got so it on their face from the mills you go get out of here you know and he's all running around that little bastard should be cared for but they don't get to get in the fucking carriage and go to the nice house earn it next week I'll just be like Stalin Stalin I just had a nice lunch folks and I become a monster after I have a nice lunch well you're like Oscar you switch every week Oscar does switch every week Oscar is the cat who's not my cat but

he's a friend of ours and we a friend of ours owns him and we do a lot of content with Oscar he's the big fat great cat that everyone says oh he's a fuck cut cut shouldn't be fat so shut the fuck up that the term is fat cat also he's not as fat I mean I know what people say but he is just a lot of its fur but Oscar has been a member of most of the terrorist groups like he's an antifum he went to Charlottesville he went in the alt right he's he's been in Glacier de Cristo which is the Filipino thing he's been in Golden Dawn which is some right-wing thing in Greece he's been a violent communist he's been in

Ansar al-Islam he's been an ISIS he's been in al-Qaeda right now he's currently working for Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil as a culture minister you know Jules by the podcast Tim Dillon coming soon we will let you know when we are setting up a and bonfire.com slash stores slash the Tim Dillon show those links are in Tim's body get some merch bitches get some shirts get some ads get some mugs