The Tim Dillon Show - 191: 191 - Corona Cast

Episode Date: March 15, 2020

We will brave the storm and continue to broadcast from the darkness. This episode, Tim prepares us for what's coming... Live from the End of The World, its The Tim Dillon Show. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: https://mybookie.ag/ use promo TIM https://www.manscaped.com/ use promo TIM Follow the show: Tim J Dillon Twitter - http Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And we are here, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show. It is the Corona Cast. Tim Dillon, Ben Avery, our producer, braving the new reality here from the studio. Broadcasting, this is it. I don't always want to be right, but sometimes I'm right. I said that music in America would be sooner rather than later, just a large bulbous ass that would shake. Then Lizzo went and famously performed in front of a large shaking ass. This is true. I said I made a lot of other predictions that were right. I can't think of what they are now, but there was a few of them. There was actually a few of them. There was one that was recent. It was after the Lizzo one where I predicted it and people were like, fuck. That's exactly what

you said. Oh, you said eventually the biggest stand-up is going to be someone dancing around on TikTok with just like jingles and jangles. Like he's not even saying anything. Yes. That's the biggest stand-up video on TikTok. Right. Right? Well, that was one of them. I said a lot of things. I have a great track record. Okay. And I said last week, I believe that the only economic activities left will be what I'm doing right now and the double penetration scene from Requiem for a Dream. Those are the two options you have to earn money right now or Postmates. No matter what happens, forever there will be Postmates. Thank God. Someone with a mask will hand you a poke bowl through a door or a slot and they will scurry away into the darkness.

Forever and ever, no matter if the Yellowstone Supervolcano goes off and Ash blocks out the sun, there will be creatures that adapt in that environment to glow and deliver Postmates. It's just the one constant we have in America, hopefully. We don't know what's going on. This is something that's very interesting. I watched everybody become a conspiracy theorist over the last two years, maybe even more than that. I watched it happen on the right. I watched it happen on the left. I watched normies, people that had never given the Kennedy assassination a second thought, that had never read books like the Franklin scandal. I watched them go hard into conspiracies. I watched people on the left go hard into intrigue, espionage,

trying to figure out the Russiagate issue. I've watched it and I've watched it be done recklessly, sloppily, as you would imagine people do when their minds melt. It's what happens after you spend an entire lifetime in the mainstream and you're just eaten tomato soup with grilled cheese and you're just out there trying to go to college or get your kids into college. Where's a fun spot for a vacation? What kind of dog is good with the kids? We have a decent size yard, it's nothing crazy. He'll have some space, but you know, how much activity, like you go from that, you go from that to Epstein overnight, your mind melts. It's true, you go from that to waking up that your leaders are no good.

Worse than you thought, bad in ways you can barely comprehend, unimaginable. Overnight, that happens. How can I get mad at you? How can I get mad at these QAnon people, even though many of them are, I believe, to be functionally retarded. And I mean, you know, unfortunate people. How can I get that mad at them when they're forced to adapt to this new world where the conclusions you come to are so blackpilling, so empty, that you are forced to concoct stories in your head about what is really happening? And just like I watched that, I watched people last week become preppers. I watched people become end timers over the last week and a half. People that had nothing but positive things to say

are now changing their tune. And I've, you know, I kid around and say that we've been preparing for this type of thing for a long time, but I mean, look, this is the set. We are the broadcasters at the end of the world. I am the anchor man at the end of the world. It's not Ted Koppel. It's me. It's not the guy who went on NBC. He could barely make sense anymore. Tom Brokaw went on NBC. He could barely speak. No, it's me. I'm the anchor man at the end of the world. And it doesn't make me happy. It doesn't please me, but it doesn't shock me either. I'm not surprised by it. I'm not surprised that a corrupt oligarchy of clowns didn't anticipate and or bungled the response to a pandemic. This is what happens when you erect a society run by

sociopaths who don't care. They, as Kurt Vonnegut said, they get to where they go. You know, they get to the places they ascend to those positions of power, because they don't care what happens next. They just go, do it, do it, do that, do this, do that, do that. They don't contemplate. They don't sit back. They're not thoughtful, contemplative people. They're doers, not thinkers. So when you're a doer, it all works until it doesn't. You know, Trump is great in boom times. He's, you know, an 80s political cartoon. Money's being made. Things are good. Now it's a little bleak. He doesn't look great. He looks like he might have a touch of Corona. We are recording this Friday.

Everything's changing so much by the hour that I want to, I want to let you know we're recording this Friday because I don't know, I heard New York City was going to be in quarantine by now. That still may happen. We all got that text from somebody. Everybody's got a friend that's highly placed in the government, by the way, during the pandemic. Nobody can get you a fucking parking pass. Nobody can help you at all when it's not a pandemic. Not one human being can do anything for you. They have no, they can't get you a reservation at a restaurant. They can't help you at all. But at the end of the world, everybody's got a highly placed source in the government that's delivering terrible news and they want you to hear it first.

And I heard that they were going to quarantine New York City. Seems like it's an eventuality that certain areas are going to get quarantined. Then, you know, BuzzFeed had that thing quoting the NYPD saying that's all fake. It's not going to happen. There's no plans, which great, how to get out of it. There's no plans at this time. At this time is a great way to say anything, you know, at this time. No plans to shut down roads, which is what a quarantine would be, shutting down the inner out, whether they get people to stay in their house or they, you know, I mean, after the Boston Marathon bombing, they shut down Boston and told people to stay in their homes. Okay. Until they caught the terrorists. We're not going to go into that, but that's, you

know. Now, we're thinking about, you know, Drudge Report today, headline nationwide shut down being talked about. What does that mean? What does that look like? How do you shut down a country of 350 million people? How do you keep all of those people in their homes? There's a lot of people and a lot of guns. I'm not even saying it's, it might not be necessary on some level. You have to stop the transmission of this thing. You have to curb the transmission unless we're all going to be fucked. If you look at Italy, you look at these other countries, you know, we're following the same path they are. Our healthcare infrastructure, by the way, not that much better than Italy. You know, I know that, but we're America. No, we have more people and many of

our systems are as unprepared or maybe even more unprepared than they're, you know, than there are in other parts of the world. So I wouldn't take any false confidence. Don't, you know, in the idea that we are a first world country. Well, we are in some respects and a lot of respects, but you know, we're going to put that to the test. Also, you know, yeah, you know, it's also like you have the conspiracy people going, they don't believe in the virus. That doesn't seem helpful. But it is interesting, you know, I do understand because their minds have been melted over the past couple of years and you're dealing with candle wax mines, you know, broken brains. You know, I do understand because the government's like, well, we can't test you.

If you feel symptoms, don't go to the hospital. Don't get tested. You start going, is this happening? Is this real? Are we going to go to fucking the hospital and see a bunch of nurses playing cards? What's the deal? What do you mean, don't get tested if you have symptoms? What's that mean? We don't have any fucking tests. That's not good. It's a problem. I understand that like, well, you're not susceptible to it. I was the first comic to cancel my shows. I have shows in 2021 canceled right now. I canceled the tour after the cancel your family tour. I cannot believe I was watching people debating. There's people doing shows tonight. Where? DC Improv, Zany. Guys, shut it down. Shut it down. Some of these people I know for

fact have money. They have money and they have mansions. Go home. You sick narcissists. Do you really need approval from people that badly that you're willing to go home and kill your grandmother because you couldn't walk out of fucking Zany's? Is that where we're at now? You're willing to risk coughing on an old person on the train and killing them because you want to get some chuckles up in Winnipeg? Shut it down, please. It's a moral issue. I understand if you broke a lot of comics out there broke, and they got to get every dollar. I get it. I get it. I'm not, I'm not going at you if you have to work. If you choose to work, it is what it is. If you have the money to not work right now as a comic, don't fucking work. Don't bring your

fans out. People were angry at me for canceling Carolines and a few other dates. I'm canceled through early April. Listen, fucker. A lot of shit ain't worth comedy. I love comedy. It's how I live my life. The greatest thing I do is get up and perform in front of people, but I could take some fucking time off if the result of me doing what I like to do kills people. You see? See, if me doing what I want to do kills people, then I'll take a breather, take some time, podcast, make a video. I don't know what to tell you, but I love how reticent people were to cancel. They were like, well, I don't. Am I supposed to not? I, people paid to see me. They paid to see me and get killed. I was first. I called my agent last week. I said, let's get, let's take it out.

Nobody was even talking about coronavirus. I was like, just cancel, cancel, cancel. Goodbye. Next, 2021. Take a big, take a red pen and a big ax out. Axe done. Who are these fucks that need to work? What's wrong with you? It's a sick day times a thousand. What kind of cock are you showing up to the office? They told us we don't have to show up to the office. We can go home, jerk off and eat spaghettios. Do that. It's not ruining everybody's fun, you fucking wacko. I get it. If you need to work, if you don't have any money, it's going to get bad economically out there. Tip people, tip the postmates, people are going to get fucked, and then they're going to come for you if you're less fucked.

Keep the guns, keep the bars on the windows. I'm telling you, I hope I'm wrong, but it's probably going to get hairy and it's probably going to get tough. And if you can get out of a city, get out of a city. I can't. I got to be here broadcasting during the end of the world. But if you can get out, get out, go to some ranch in Montana. I don't know. I can't tell you how to live. And if you're young and you have immunity or you had it and you got over it, this is the fucking time to travel the world, pussy. Get out there. Get out there. Take advantage of cheap flights. Go eat that Wuhan bat sandwich. Go spit in a stranger's mouth. You're young. You can take it. I wish I was young. I'm 35. And yes, I'm in great shape and I do tryathlons.

But there's other people that aren't. And I don't want to put them at risk. But if I was 22 and in the shape I never was, I would be really rocking out. I would be jetting all over this globe. Fuck yeah. Let me out of fucking college. And I'm sorry. I know it's very hard. Listen, it's I, my senior year of high school was great. It was one of the funniest years of my life. I was nominated for homecoming king. I was extremely popular. Everybody loved me. Blah, blah, blah. That being said, I know that there's a lot of people now that their senior year of high school or college has been cut short. Whether some of them are athletes and they can't play

their season, their last season. Some of them might have been tapped in the skull and bones. And now that's not happening. I'm very sorry. And I know it's very tough and a lot of lacrosse players aren't going to get to play. And a lot of people aren't going to get to go to the prom. But I say this and I say this, shut up. Italy's burning. There are countries in the world right now where they're choosing who lives and who dies. So sit down with your privileged little lacrosse rapist you've raised and sit him down and say, Tommy, listen, I know you're upset that you can't play. But let me show you the country of Italy. Remember when we went there two years ago? It's burning to the ground now because they didn't follow these rules. So there are people

that have worse problems than you, you little prick. You're going to grow up and be fine. You're going to grow up and be fine. And you'll remember this pandemic and you can tell your kids how tough it was that you didn't get to play your last season of lacrosse, which is a fake sport anyway that doesn't go anywhere. There's no look professional lacrosse. I mean, there's a few teams in Long Island, like the Long Island lizards and stuff like that. But I mean, that at that point, just I mean, I would rather my kid get who had and check the fuck out not being the Long Island lizards. Hey, everybody, my bookie is the best place for you to cash in on the insane nonstop buzzer beaters huge upsets and white knuckle finishes. They offer live

betting on almost anything, including the Democratic nomination, the presidential election, even the name of the next pope. They should start betting on coronavirus death totals. I mean, that's pretty dark, you know, but that's kind of where we're headed. My bookie, you know, start betting on when martial law is going to be declared. Let's get some statistics. Go to Drudge Report where the headlines out right now. This is again Friday, 720 Pacific Time in Los Angeles, California. All right, we're at the Drudge Report. Here we go. You want some headlines? Headlines right now. The top headlines. It's an emergency in red. Yeah.

Trump to be tested. Complete shutdown on table. Modern life turns surreal. So here's that's so that, yeah. So that's the interesting thing. They're using these words now like complete shutdown. Today was national emergency. He had the press conference today, but they're using these words complete shutdown. Now, what does that mean? Click that. Let's see if they elaborate on what a complete shutdown looks like, because I think it, it might be the grounding of domestic travel. It might be checkpoints. It might be quarantine. It might be staying your home. It might be all nonessential businesses will be closed. I'm wondering what that entails and what it looks like in a country as big as ours.

So this is a White House coronavirus expert, Dr. Anthony Fauci. Yeah. Well, he's the, he's the, you know, we, everybody else is a Jew. We have a WAP. We got a garlic knot. We have a fucking meatball giving us instructions here. Thank God. Can we get a Jew, please? You fucking morons. Yeah, Dr. Fauci. Hey, how you doing? You know, like the, your coronavirus, like don't put your head over the meatball pot, because then you droplets from your nose fall into the pot, then everybody gets sick. How did we get this goon? Jesus Christ. But so Fauci, they asked him a question. They said, listen, is a complete shutdown on the table? I think he said anything's on the table, right?

Yeah, it's pretty vague. Very vague. Yeah. There's, there's no explanation for what complete shutdown means. How many deaths we got? What do we got? What do we got death wise? What do we got case wise? New York City is leading the cases right now. So we got more than 2000 people in the U S with the virus and 43 have died as of right now. 2000. We got a lot more than that. We got a lot more than that. I've been coughing. I don't know what the fuck I have. They tell me that I can't go anywhere and get tested. But I just had strap. I came off of strap. Maybe I got a little sinus infection during strap. I don't have a fever. So that seems to be the real thing is the fever. If you're really, if you're really hot, if you're really hot, then you gotta, you know,

but I'm self isolating anyway. I'm quarantining. There's nowhere to go. It's nothing to do. It's raining here. It's raining in LA. It's depressing the comedy store shutdown, the improv shutdown. There's still clubs in New York happening. What's going on over there? Do you people have a death wish? I know many of you are destitute in New York City. But God, God, it's really kind of gross to not realize the gravity of the situation. And I mean, unless everyone is wrong, within a week or two, we'll all be looking back at the businesses that kind of stayed open and we'll be like, what the fuck was that? You know, maybe not. I hope not. Maybe again, I would like to be wrong about all this shit.

I would like to be wrong, but I don't know. There's going to be a lot of pressure to speak to friends and family in the coming days and weeks. I'd like my audience to fight it and stay positive. There's no reason to make amends with people reach out. There's no reason to build those bridges. It's fake. If you had to wait till a pandemic to call someone, you don't want to talk to them enough. Stop. Hey, man, how are you? So like, this is crazy. Hang up. Go into the darkness. Yes. Let it become you. Unless you can get a little money out of them, get a little change. Nothing wrong with greasing the wheel a little bit. Nothing wrong with throwing a guilt play for a little capital. That's what I say. Give them some, you know, I am, there are comics

that are still out there, man. God bless them. But I just think right now, if you cannot work, if you cannot participate in getting people together in a room, just don't, just don't do it. You know, where, how many cases does New York City have right now? New York seems to be a hot spot. I mean, New York City, I love it, but it's a Petrie dish of germs, the subways, the surfaces, forget it. It's climbed over 400 today. There's over four over just today or now it's all together. It's over 400. No, total over 400. Yeah, we're going to have a problem in New York City. They're going to have an issue. And I don't see how it gets resolved without a quarantine. I don't know if they're going to be able to keep people in their houses though. I don't know how they're

going to do that, but I guess they're going to try. All these Pete, you know, I was in Bristol Farms yesterday, I'm standing there next to Tyler the Creator because it's, you know, I live right on the edge of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood Hills and, you know, people are at Bristol Farms, you know, the rich are going to stockpiling crab legs in case it's the end. They're getting their almond milk, the free range chicken. And I'm just watching everybody, you know, buy all the food and it's like, there's going to be food, folks. I think there's going to be food. I could be wrong. Pavilions closed. A lot of stores closed, but there'll be food. I think there's going to be postmates. I think they're going to stay open. I think those restaurants are going to stay open

strictly to make and deliver food. They're going to make millions of dollars. They're going to make a mint. They're going to make a fucking mint right now. Why would you not just employ a chef or two to cook food and send it out? We do have a, you know, we have been looking at some of these crazy projections where they're like, you know, 70 or 150 million people end up getting the disease. Several million die with a mortality rate of around 3%. I mean, it's it's mind boggling when you think about that stuff. Yannis Poppe has told me to watch an old Bill Gates speech and I did today, which is terrifying, where Bill Gates kind of really called this whole whole thing so accurately that a lot of the people

in the conspiracy side of Twitter are like, did he plan this? I think like Cedric, the entertainer, reposted a video on Instagram. He's like, well, Bill Gates planned this shit. And then like, DL Hugh Glee was like, hmm, maybe he did. And then, you know, there's some other comic, Gary Owen, who's like the, what is the white urban comic? I think they were all like, they were all kind of pumping that idea. Who knows? I don't know. I think Gates probably called it out pretty, pretty accurately, but they don't, none of them care. This is the problem is like everybody talks, everybody says how, you know, we got to prepare, we're not prepared, we're woefully underprepared, and then nobody prepares because nobody cares. It all goes back

to his, it's his selfish country, where if you're not being affected, I mean, dude, we watched, when you think about it, we watched this unfold in China for like over a month and did nothing. Since like early January. I mean, Trump put a travel ban on China, great, but he didn't get more tests here. Like Google's building a website now to test people or, you know, to help help them realize if they have symptoms or not. But that could have been done. I mean, listen, it's not Trump's fault, the coronavirus, but it does unmask a little bit, you know, where Trump is weak, and he's weak in a pandemic. He's not the president you really want in a pandemic. You want somebody that is a little bit more cerebral in a pandemic. You go to bed a little

easier with an Obama type in office than you do with Trump. Trump's great when the economy's roaring, you know, but when, you know, when you're, and what's weird about this, because one of our other friends called me and said, you, like, you've been through 9-11. You've been through other things. How does this differ, you know, and I was like, well, in those periods of time, you saw a lot of compassion and empathy, human compassion. Now, because everybody's terrified of getting sick, you don't see any of that. People are terrified of each other. Somebody coughing makes them an enemy. So people are looking out for themselves and their families, and there's a dearth of compassion togetherness, just being outside,

being with other people. People are cut off from each other in a real meaningful way that, you know, you didn't see during 9-11. They had the candlelight visuals and the hand-holding and the people coming out. And 9-11 was scary for a bunch of other reasons. People like, what the fuck? You know, people were seeing jets rip up the sky going like, what's coming next? Is it SARS? Is it anthrax? Is this? Is that? Bio, you know, every news week, every different cover was like, is it sarin gas? What's coming? What's the threat level? Is it burnt sienna? What does that mean? But you could go outside. You could talk to people. You could go out with your friends.

You eventually could go to movie theaters and shows and concerts. I mean, you could just, life went back to normal. We're in the initial stages here of how big this disruption is going to be. But one thing I think that people can't fully appreciate is the end times feel of a society where everybody's cut off from each other. Because it truly does feel like we're heading into this uncharted territory. And we don't, you know, how we deal with this immensely emotionally. These are all real questions. You know, how is this going to affect people when they're cut off, when they can't work, when they can't go out, when they can't exercise in the way that they want, when they, when they have to just stay home.

How many marriages are going to fail because husbands and wives are going to have to talk to each other? You know? I mean, it's going to be a little crazy. All schools are, are, are, they're letting them out. So now there's kids everywhere and parents fucking, some of them are still working. Like, what am I going to do? There's going to be roving bands of tick-tockers prowling around. They're all immune. All these little fucking tick-tock fucks are immune. They're not getting this. It's not affecting them. So they're going to be going out playing with dead bodies. You thought what Logan Paul did was bad? What about that times a trillion? Go look at the statistics. These little kids are going to be doing Michael Jackson

fucking, what's that thing he does? What's the thriller videos with real bodies? I'm telling you, it's going to happen. These little narcissists go on that app. They don't even blink these tick-tock fucks. They're craven, bitter, little monsters and not bitter for any real reason. Just, they're acidic. Toxic little human beings. Black pill. They grew up believing in nothing. They care about nothing except, except likes and followers and views and money, merch. They believe in nothing. They're perfectly suited for this environment. They're going to play with dead boomer bodies and dance around the streets. They're going to dance around as the bodies burn. And you're going to learn to fear those little bastards. You're going to learn to

fear those little tick-tock fucks running around with their phones, documenting their brutality, little gangs of tick-tockers, documenting what they do to the bodies. And you'll be sitting in your houses terrified watching the TV. It's going to be rough folks. That's at least what I see happening. I could be wrong, but again, am I ever? Have I ever been? You're going to see very soon just bodies, little tick-tockers using real bodies like marionettes. And some of it will be artful. Some of it will be interesting, visually appealing and stimulating. And you might say, oh, this isn't that bad, but they're bodies. These are just my thoughts, unfiltered. You know, these are just the things that I think about, the things that need to be said,

that nobody else is saying. And it's going to be, we're going to have problems. We're going to have a lot of problems. And you're going to, we're going to use a Rocaster. So I'm going to go on Bluetooth. My Bluetooth is on. Rocaster probably connected to that. It says connected. Now all I have to do is call him, right? We're going to call Ray back now. He's in New York. Rosanne is also going to be on the show. I didn't want, I don't want to, I don't want to tease you, but we got big things coming up here. This is what we're really going to shine in the quarantine. And we're going to keep doing the show until we can legally not do it. Then I have to call Ben on FaceTime and then he'll upload. I mean, we'll just, we're going to keep getting it out, folks.

What did that fat fuck do? He ate his phone. We'll wait for him to call back. But my point here is this. We're going to keep this show going full steam ahead. We got a lot of people coming up. We did a nice little Corona special. We had Dr. Steve from ONA. He answered some questions. We had my friend's heartless fiance call who's a nurse who was like, this will help with social security because all the old people are going to die. Everybody was like, oh my god, but that's that nurses and flight attendants don't see any value in human life. They don't care. Nurses see death every day and flight attendants have made peace with their own death and the death of everyone on that vehicle. Flight attendants are sick. Have you ever looked in the eyes of a

flight attendant? They're sick. They get up on Southwest and do a little comedy routine. Hey, that's a sick job for sick people to be up there at that altitude and not give a fuck. You freak. Drinking tomato juice and pineapple juice at 35,000 feet. Get whipped around by the hand of God. You're defying God every time that plane takes off. You monster. They don't care flight attendants and they know it. I knew a few flight attendants. Drug addicts. Straight up drug it. They are so peeled up. They don't even know they're on a plane. These fucking whores. These fucking whores. And men. A lot of gay guys do the flight attendant job too. It's just they just fuck and do drugs and they all want that plane to crash.

They hate landing. They love taking off because there's a chance to plane and emoliate in the air. They hate landing. They're all fucking junked up. Drugies. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. We're in the midst of a plague. This is a sinus infection I have. I don't think it's corona. I don't have a fever. I've been coughing for like a month. You would have it by now. Other people that have been around me would have it. I've just been coughing because I went to Toronto and I was smoking cigarettes and then I had strep throat and that fucked me up. So I'm just trying to like I'm not smoking cigs and I will smoke occasionally. I've not smoked cigs in like a month or three weeks. I'm not going to smoke them

anymore. We need our lung capacity now. So I'm not smoking cigarettes. I just I need to build the lung capacity. Lungs. Because this is a disease of the lungs. If you get it and it gets bad, you feel like you're drowning in there. It's not good. Nobody wants it. You gotta stop the weed too. I know a lot of you switch to edibles. Stop smoking the weed. I mean it's you know or don't switch to edibles and get off drugs. Be a person. Start thinking about what's important like supporting this goddamn show and your family in that order because we're gonna have a lot of problems here. Are they quarantining all of us? Let's try Ray one more time. What the fuck just happened? You think you just called me right before he just passed out in a in a corona haze?

Does he butt dial a lot? Not really. Now I'm only hearing him in one ear. I wonder if he's been quarantined like he's being put in. He's being like dragged away. He's being like listen to me. Stop it. I was self-isolating. Don't put me in this. Are you a general? I wouldn't be taken away by a general, not the National Guard. His thing is so nice. He's like hello, it's Raymond Kump. I can't come to the phone and then you see him like what his real message should be. If his message looked sounded the way he looked, it would just be this. It would go, ah. Just he's in the throes of some nightmare. Considering a total complete shutdown, how many cases in Seattle and Portland? That's another hot

spot. The Pacific Northwest is a big hot spot for this shit. Came out of a nursing facility, a nursing home up there. It's a real issue. Everybody's getting those texts saying you're the next to be quarantined. Everybody's like I don't want to alarm you but I don't want to alarm you but I will let you know that my sister works for the CDC and she said that tomorrow they're putting a dome over Portland. You know, this is what everybody's saying. I don't want to alarm anybody but I have a highly placed source in the government that says that tomorrow morning at nine o'clock the military is going to come into your house and fuck you in your ass in front of everyone you know and upload it and put it on the internet. I don't want to alarm anybody.

I don't want to alarm you. Hey, I don't want to alarm anybody but I have a source right now that says that the government has decided to nuke Portland. Don't want to alarm anyone that's happening tomorrow around three. What does it say? Seattle and King County. Yeah, they got hit hard. They got hit hard. 58 new cases today. Yeah. Five deaths. A problemo. County total is now 32 deaths and 328 total cases. This is why we're trying to curb it. You got to curb it. You got to curb this thing. You got to curb the transmission of this virus if you can by not going out. You can't go out. You can't talk to your friend. You got to stop with the drinks after work. Cut it out. Maybe it is, maybe the virus is fake and maybe they're using this as a

way to institute martial law but let's help them. No, I'm kidding. The virus is not fake. I mean, you can't look at Italy and say this is fake. You can't look at China and say this is fake. Now, I don't know where the fuck it came from. Maybe it is a bio weapon. Maybe it's not. I don't know. You know, at this point, does it matter? Just get the fuck off stage and stop. You don't have to talk about your dick in front of a room full of 300 people. You can wait. That can wait. People are sick. This thing's a nasty fucking bug, dude. It's a nasty fucking bug and it's common. Common for a lot of people. Seattle's fucked. New York is fucked, too. Check LA. What's California got? I think we're doing kind of okay here.

I think we're doing okay. I could be wrong. Six deaths, 247 cases currently. In Los Angeles. Los Angeles County, yeah. It's a big county, but that still ain't great. 300 cases, confirmed cases in LA. Six deaths. The majority of these are going to be older people. That being said, some of them are autoimmune people that are compromised, that have underlying conditions. But who knows? We've got a lot of risk factors in the country. Fat people, smokers. I don't know. We've got 40 in LA. Well, 40 cases in Los Angeles. But you know there's so much more, dude. Yeah. Dude, there's so much more.

What do you think it really is? 4,000? Probably 10 times what they think, right? It has to. If I got it, I would just stay inside. I wouldn't go to a hospital. Well, that's what they're telling people to do. They're like, don't go to a hospital. And you're like, why? They're like, because this is fake. Yeah. They keep saying they're like, why can I not go to a hospital? They go, because this is fake. This is pretend. This is just a way to. Yeah. Soon we're going to be broadcasting and you're going to see a butt of a gun pressed to my head. And the military is going to be behind us. And the military is going to read ads for Ridge Wallet. Wouldn't that be great? General's just handing me ads for Ridge Wallet. And I'm like, hello.

Colonel has a Ridge Wallet, don't you? Remember when it was just that the country was run by satanic pedophiles? Those were just good old days. Those were the good old days. A corrupt oligarchy of politicians who murder and blackmail each other while they steal the resources, pillage, destroy the planet. But you still got to go to Disney World and TGI Fridays. Now you can't even do that. You can't have a three for all, which is mozzarella sticks, buffalo wings, potato skins. Can't even do that anymore. Everyone's going to become a fucking conspiracy head. I can't wait till everybody starts discovering Reddit and 4chan. What if the whole country goes on 4chan?

What if the whole country goes on Reddit? What if the entire country just fucking goes off the fucking deep end, gets fucking red pilled and starts going crazy? I mean, it could happen. Some of them are. Some of them are going to go down to bachelor wormhole or whatever. So there's lots of places online you can reside. I don't think it's healthy to spend all your time reading about the demons that run the show. But you do have to peek behind the curtain, take a look at the demon every now and then. We were in CVS today and it's a very cavalier attitude. Nobody's got masks on. The pharmacists, we have so one mask, the majority of them do not have masks on. No gloves. It seems pretty lax. Now you wonder if in a week or two that's going to be

like, oh boy, I can't believe, can't believe we were fucking that lax. It might be, I don't know, but I mean, I could also tell you this, you know, we all got to keep our wits about us, folks, because we're going to get over this. We're going to get through this. Okay. I'm going to tell you right now, we're going to get through it. And I know that a lot of people didn't feel comfortable because Trump looks like he kind of has it, but he just looks puffy and sniffly. You know, but I will say to all of you out there, we're going to get through it. We're going to get through it. And then we're going to be as selfish and as unprepared as we were for this. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry, TikTokers, when you grow up and your pandemic hits, we will have done

nothing to prepare. Trust me. I'm telling you right now. I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but we're going to get through it. We're going to fight through it. We're going to get through it the way we get through everything in this country by sitting on our fat ass as an eating. We're going to get through it the way we get through everything by not leaving our homes and watching streaming services and putting things in our mouth. That's how we're going to get through it. Don't worry about it. Don't give it a second thought. If there's one thing that people in this country can do, they can sit on their couch. God, do I have faith in this population of people? Raymond, you're on the podcast. You called in the middle of us recording.

Hello, Raymond. He should be connected now. Yes. You're on the podcast. You called in the middle of us recording. Well, you called me. I did. Hello, everybody. How are you? You called me first. I called you back twice. Oh, I, I'm sorry about that. Anyway, great to be on the show again. What's going on? You fucking butt. What a, what a sweet, sweetheart. Update us from New York. You're our point. You're our connection in New York. What's going on? There's a lot of holding going on. I mean, you go into these stores and fucking the shelves are pretty better. I got toilet paper. I don't know what they're talking about. I got plenty of toilet paper. It's definitely taken. But I'm not, you know, but other stuff, you know, like, you know,

corn, rice, things like that, you know, quinoa, it's definitely, if you try to get anything, like fucking whole food, it takes like two weeks. Now you and your lover have a, what do you have a 50 pound bag of rice, you said? I got, I believe a 20 pound bag. Let me check. What the fuck right now? Do you deal with a 20 pound bag of rice? I mean, look, you open it up and you kind of like just your mouth and do it. You, you know, you chew it. No, I just in case, in case there's a disruption, who knows? I'm just a, I'm an eagle snout. So I'm preparing. Right. I love that you are, you were shitting on everybody last week for preparing. Now you're getting bags of rice. Well, no, I was shitting on the panic. Right.

The facts are on the ground have changed. Are they going to be able to keep everyone in their house if they do a nationwide lockdown quarantine type thing? Aren't there too many people, too many guns? I mean, do you think it's a quarantine? I don't know. You, you, you might know better than me. You might not. Does a quarantine mean everyone has to stay in their house? What does it mean? You just can't leave it? Like, can you take a walk? What's the deal? Well, I'm not sure what's terminology is what, but I think in Italy right now, they can't eat. Right. Yeah. Because the whole, there's that video of them all playing the Tarantella or whatever. So like,

you know, calm each other down. Yeah, they're on the, they're on the porch. They're on their balconies, banging tambourines. Well, I mean, in New York City, the NYP, you know, just, you know, take a fucking night stick to your face and just, you know, you can try to get out of line. But, uh, you know, the parts of the country, I mean, it's not as, you know, if you live in some rural area where you're like, you know, you're 10 minutes away from your next house, I mean, it's not a big deal if you leave the house or whatever. But, uh, we'll be able to lock everyone. I mean, they'll be able to lock people down in the areas where it matters probably. Right. Yeah.

I mean, you've been using people going like shooting their way out of a blockade. Who knows, dude? You know this country. Who knows? There's a sizable amount of people on Twitter who think that, you know, this is a cover for, uh, Trump is going to go arrest Obama and all the celebrities for the pedophile stuff. He is a pedophile. What are we doing? Uh, like fucking what's his name? People aren't like, I'm seeing this shit. And it's just like this QAnon rambling. In addition, the point is QAnon, people. And it's fucking, there's no, there's no one has an end game. No one has a fucking reason. It's just like the liberals. I mean, some media guy made a point. Yeah, we did this. We did this. We canceled all the events

we covered. Right. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I just fucking, uh, I don't, I mean, you know me, I'm down for a good, uh, yeah, I believe, uh, I'm like half the, I'm like halfway, like the QAnon people, I'm like, I'm with them halfway. They're like, everybody empowers a satanic pedophile. I'm like, okay. And then they're like, and they're all going to jail. I'm like, no, yeah, probably not. Yeah. Sadly, no, I don't see any proof that's happening. But, uh, but yeah, that's literally nothing. So what they said is that this is a false flag or whatever you want to call it. So they're, they're, you know, they're closing the schools and the sports and all the arenas so that they can go arrest Obama and Hillary. And that Obama and

Hillary won't launch attacks. It's safer that the elites Obama doesn't have to miss the launch your own back with what we're talking about. You're the goddamn commander in chief. If you want arrest Obama, I mean, it's bad form, but you can do it. But you know, me and you have had this talk, this is what happens when your whole life is pretty mainstream. You believe mainstream things, then all of a sudden you get redpilled overnight, your mind melts, and then you, you can't cope with the world as it is. And you start concocting stories about what's fucking really happening. People. I would love to see Bill and Hillary, the way these people see Bill and Hillary. Right. It's like a Batman movie where like the fucking ticket in the road talks in. Yeah.

Batman looks like they just fuck much like, what do you think your secret agent? Right. They're fucking, you know, they're, yeah, like that people killed. But like, I don't know why they think it's like fucking like epic chess match of like fucking spies going on here. It's just a bunch of pedophiles and crooks and people who want pipeline. It ain't that fucking sexy. Yeah, it ain't that sexy, folks. I mean, why would they, why would they think to doubt? Right? Why would they think to stock market? It's a good point. Who is this helping? Well, I'll tell you why. This is, do you want to know the answer? Because I read it on Twitter. They did it because, yeah, I'll tell you. Someone from Chase told this guy on

Twitter that we're in a transitional economy. Trump's trying to get rid of the Fed, so they have to tank the economy in order to rebuild the new economy without a Fed. Yeah. I mean, what do they think the Fed is? It's not like the Fed. I mean, I don't think they know. Right. The Fed will basically put money at will for you. What's the fucking, what's the problem here? Yeah. I mean, I'm not, I'm not a fan of it, but I mean, I don't, I don't understand why any president was like, oh, I mean, Trump is crazy. He got mad as they were like raising rates like a, like a quarter of a basis point. But, you know, but mostly presidents, I mean, they don't do whatever they tell them to do. They're not, they're not fucking running the

morgans anymore. Well, listen, you asked a question and you got an answer. Why were they tanked? Because they always have an answer and the answer is one of nine possibilities and that's the answer. And they've gone from the virus. People like fucking, it's weird, he's leftist on the one, but not really leftist or like, I mean, we can do it in a way like a fucking DC, Robin Staxson, and Central Props supposedly, and now they're all just freaking out because Trump didn't, you know, getting the fucking face mat. But, but yeah, they keep repeating the end of monetary policy. That's just like, I don't under, they really think there's more to this. They really think that people, like,

people don't know what they're doing. Ben Bernanke barely knew what he was doing at all. Yeah. These people are just riding by the sea, they're fucking in coattails. That's what it's so hard for these people to understand that the people at the top, it's not necessarily like this well orchestrated thing. It's actually just fucking like, you know, hold on to your hat. We're just going, we don't know what's going to happen. And let's just fucking cover our tracks as we go. Yeah. I mean, it's not the only thing that's happening, but in no way, happiness was like, we don't want to be the guy who thanks to you at the county after 100, like 400 years. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you don't want to,

policy society, you don't want to be the asshole who fucking just dropped the ball. I mean, now Trump seems to be a little immune to that. He doesn't really seem to, I mean, now he's getting a little bit in line maybe, but like, he doesn't seem to give a shit about like, you know, you know what it is? I don't think people fully understand the level of indifference. And I think that is what bothers people. It's like, you know, there's a great line from a song, you know, it's a better, you know, John Gauke as a folks are really goes, you know, it's not hatred. There's no hate from her. The facts of indifference are cruel. And it's like, I don't think people truly comprehend that these people don't care. They're sociopaths.

It isn't this well planned, you know, 3D chess thing. It's people that are just trying to, as Russ Baker said, preserve themselves at all costs. They're just trying to preserve themselves. The only thing I've seen unusual about Trump, I've seen it before, it's like, he didn't have like 11 billion, but he probably had a couple billion, right? It's not all things. And it's like, and all these scams, I believe he's doing, I mean, fucking making money at Mar-a-Lago and all these shit. So like, to the tune of tens of millions, maybe even 100 million, but like, what's crazy is that like, when you already have a few billion, you're gonna, like, I'm not saying you care that much about the presidency, but you care so little that you'll just raise your name for history for

like money that really doesn't mean that much to you. That's the funny thing about him. He doesn't mean that much. Right. Well, you know, he's, I was just completely broke. And it was all his paper. I don't think he's completely broke, but I also think he doesn't think he's degrading his name. You know, I, I mean, it's like the George Carlin line when he goes, you know, sociopaths have very high self esteem. You know, I don't, I, I tend to believe he thinks this is the only way to cement his position in history. I mean, I don't think, you know, he would have gotten into history, the books for the apprentice, certainly not in the way that he's in there now. But I do think this could be the end of his

political career. I mean, this could get very bad. You know, the people on the, yeah, we might have, we might have missed the window. We might have missed, I mean, I don't want to buy too much of the, immediately into like the worst case scenario, but there are a few different people out there, like you're trying to say, like, we know the containment is a mess over. We missed that. We missed containment. Right. And like, you know, now it's probably about a million dead in America, possibly. It's like, hey, I look great in November or October when you're running. It's not going to look great. Right. But the guy running against him is like, has full onset dementia, Joe Biden.

Wait, you don't think, you don't think it's a good chance? I mean, I'm not saying it's that bad. I think there's a, there's a, even my chance maybe that with all this hysteria, people start shifting on Bernie. I hope so. And I mean, there's that debate. So I think what Bernie has to do, see Bernie, I think one of the things about Bernie, Bernie kind of lacks this killer instinct where like Bernie has to leave Biden on the floor in that debate. He has to leave him on the floor and he has to, you know, make him really expose him for what he is, which is kind of like this mentally fucking, you know, like he's incapable of doing this job, you know? And I think Bernie has to. He's right. He's the same today in a little

video out at white background where he's just blathering. Yes. And like he's not even facing the camera. No, he's on speakerphone. Yeah. Yeah. It's almost like that, like that's the terrorism, not, not the vibrate, like dangling him in front of them. Well, it's a perfect storm now of, of, of like everything that could go wrong. It's like you have a pandemic. You have a country that's $20 trillion in debt. We have foreign wars and entanglements. We have a bloated corrupt oligarchy. And the two people that are running it are elderly men that both may be kind of mentally unfit for the job. Like there's no new blood. Nobody's young. Nobody's interesting. Nobody's exciting. Every but I mean, it's like you want to talk about the end of an

empire. It's like it ends with these elderly kleptocrats other than Bernie just trying to steal the rest of this. They're just trying to loot. And you look at Biden's son and the Ukraine, it's like kind of hilarious that like everybody in Washington's kid works for a Ukrainian natural gas company. I mean, it's like, it's clearly just late stage, like let's loot. Let's, you know, it's their version of going into a grocery store. It's a smash and grab. And yeah, I think Bernie has to leave them on, on, on the floor in that debate. And then this is Bernie's type. There was ever a time for a guy like Bernie, it's right now. Imagine if you're like, and it's just the bed to fucking really like, and Biden just comes out

strong. I mean, it would be so all these, I mean, I like Bernie. I hope, I hope he fucking does take care of this guy, but it would just, it would just be, he needs to anyway. Like he has great, not great oratory sense, but like when he gets going, it's fine, but he doesn't usually use it yet. He doesn't really, he doesn't lean in. You said the best thing when I'm like, Hey, I think it's the beginning of the end of the Trump presidency, because it can't be funny anymore with the circumstances. You said something brilliant. You go, he'll find a way to be funny about dead bodies. Remember that? You're like, he'll find a way to make the deaths of your neighbor funny. Yeah, what a dark thought. Trump's roasting the dead. You know,

like the next election, he's like, that didn't work out too well for those people. Hey, you didn't vote for me. Didn't work out too well for you. Now you're all burning in the street. Do you think there's any, do you think there's any chance he tries to bomb his way out of political things? Oh, I don't mean like Dubai. What are you going to bombs? Yeah, Portland. You're going to bomb. No, I mean, like, I mean, the flex from the fact that like, you know, it's October comes along or September October. I mean, yeah, I understand what you're saying. Who knows? I mean, I don't know. You know, there's a lot of people saying though, oh, they'll cancel the election, but it's like, here's the deal. It's a fucking, it's all unprecedented.

You don't know what he's going to do. I hope to God, this is a three month thing, two to three months. I don't think it will be. I think it's going to be more like six months. But I don't know if it's six months of being stuck inside, but I think it's six months of disruption, you know, disruption. China is pretty much, China is like getting back on track. I mean, they're also able to just kind of like, you know, they had that hotel collapse on people. I mean, China gets back on track. They'll just, they'll just torch a city, you know, they'll just torch a city and be like back to business, you know, I mean, dude, we're too hard to have democracy. I mean, I'm not saying it's not better.

But no, but we're, we're a sentimentalist. So we're going to have like a bunch of visuals. There's going to be coronavirus, the musical, you know, it's going to be a different process than China. Who's just like, okay, that's done next. You know, red comp. Yeah. Well, one more question. What do you have to say? So I'm saying like this versus 9 11, definitely like a bigger scope to it. Yes. By all of it has the same punch. It does. I'll tell you why. 9 11, you could see human compassion and empathy. Now people are scared of each other. When someone coughs, they become your enemy. That does a lot. It's isolating. It's lonely. In 9 11, in that time, you had these

vigils, you have people going out, you have people connecting with other people. We're eliminating that now. And I'm telling you right now, it's going to be fucking quiet to watch people just go online. People are spending enough time online. Now we're just locking people in and saying, go on the internet. We're going to see people go, we're going to see a lot. A large portion of the country will become schizophrenic in the next 90 days. Interesting. I mean, I don't know. Where could they say, you know, you can find me on Twitter and Instagram at rate comp. I do some podcasts and where we get podcasts and also a lot of discussing.

Yes. So enjoy. Thanks for having me. He's got a Patreon. It's called what's your Patreon? That's right. That's right. You can go about you go my Twitter pages on there. It's on his Twitter page, folks. Support. I mean, you need to be a patron of the arts right now and we are the arts. You know, appreciate it. Thank you. Right. I'll talk to you. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America. Well, there it is, folks, quick little update from New York, from the great red comp. You know, it is Friday, 806. This comes out Saturday, you know, Sunday in New York, 12am, 9pm here on the West Coast, but it's a Sunday show. So we don't know where we're at. We don't know where we're going. We don't know what's happening.

We don't know when and if the quarantines are coming. We're just sitting here waiting just like you broadcasting into the night, going into the darkness, head on with good spirits, high hopes. We believe that we'll get through this. I mean, this is just what we do. We'll get through it. We'll sit. We'll be a lot of sitting. We'll get through it with some good conspiracy mongering on every side, either side. And there'll be sadly, there'll be some death and there'll be some destruction, you know, and there'll be destruction. There'll be disruption. There'll be, you know, hopefully it's not the end of society. Hopefully it's not martial law, end times, things like that. I don't know. Hopefully it's not contagion. I mean,

we watched contagion the other day. That movie sucks. It's not good. Disease movies are never that good. But, you know, on the flip side of it, we are here to provide you with the analysis. We're going to bring the experts on. Roseanne's coming on. We're bringing on the people that you need to hear from at this moment. We brought my friends, some chick he's dating as a nurse on. We're Dr. Steve from Opie and Anthony, the Great Red Comp in New York City giving us updates. He's our New York Bureau chair of our news service. But this is it, folks. This is the news. I am the anchor. This is the news. This is the new reality. You might not love it. You probably don't. There's negatives to it, but let's also embrace some of the positives. You're going to get some

time now. You know, comedy is canceled. Let's enjoy that for a few weeks. Let's enjoy that for a few weeks. Let's enjoy Netflix, not taping another special for a little while. Might be nice. I'm hoping to God that everything gets back up and running soon because we're all going to lose our fucking mind. So let's take two months. Let's sit this out. Let's see what happens. We're going to keep podcasting. And then let's come back on the other end of this strong. Go back on the road. Go back on tour. See what happens. I mean, two months is a real fucking Pollyanna-ish, lofty, aspirational timeline. But who knows? Maybe it won't be as bad. How are people that you know handling this? Pretty underwhelmed. Yeah. I mean, even at Sprouts last night in Eagle Rock, you were

behind Tyler the Crater in Bristol Farms. Yeah. In Eagle Rock at Sprouts, I was behind Badger from Breaking Bad. So you can kind of see the class disparity there with who were around. But no one really, people are just kind of waltzing around, talking on the phone, making jokes about Corona, but just grabbing food. No one seems to really, even at CVS, did people seem to really care? That was how it was in the beginning of Italy. Yeah. In the beginning of Italy, Corona. Just making jokes. And now they're just, just banging tambourines on their fucking, you know, fucking patios. It's a nightmare. So I don't know. I don't know which way we're going, but Germany seems okay. How many cases in Germany right now?

Germany seems like they're doing okay. I don't know. 3,675 cases and eight deaths and 46 have recovered so far. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. 3,000 cases, 3,500 cases. How many cases in Italy? Let's go look at Italy, because that seems to be outside of China. I think Italy is the hardest hit. Italy has, I mean, just this past week, 14,000 new cases, but they have 17,000 cases. So what does that mean? 17,000 in total? Yeah. But like this past week, 14,000 new cases. Yeah.

Yeah. So they are being ravaged. And Jesus Christ, I feel horrible. That's fucked up. Yeah. They're being ravaged. The country of Italy is going to take a while to come back from this. You know? Yeah. If you look at the map, it's all over the country. Yeah. Looks like Milan and everywhere up there got hit hard. Rome only has 215. I wonder if there were some rich people that got the fuck out of Italy. You know? Yeah. I wonder if there was anybody who said, let's get out of here. I don't know. Nobody could, nobody knew how bad it was going to get, right? Nobody could know. Nobody could know. We're all just fucking waiting.

You know? For the end. TimDillonComedy.com, no live dates. Don't buy any tickets to anything. Chill out, relax. Buy them. Stop messaging me and asking me, should I buy tickets? Buy them in a month or two. Listen, buy them when I'm coming. Don't buy anything right now. I don't know what's going to happen. Nobody fucking knows what's going to happen. As of right now, you know, Philly's canceled. Des Moines canceled. Minnesota's canceled. Those are the only things that are canceled. Everything's still on the books right now. But I would not buy tickets right now because I don't know what the fuck is going on. And neither do you. And I don't know which one of you. Most of these clubs give refunds. Some of them will just give you new tickets. I

don't know. I'd rather not, I'd rather just tell everybody to just chill the fuck out right now and buy tickets when we're back up and running. I don't know how long this is going to be. If you want to support us, patreon.com, the TimDillon show, buy this stuff, get the rich wallet, get the man scape, support the sponsors on the show. It's a great way to support the show. Patreon, you get one extra episode every single week. We're going to start live streaming on YouTube. That's going to come very soon. We're going to start putting together more, more and more different types of Corona specials. We've got Roseanne coming up. I'm a huge fan of her. I love her. We've got a lot of people that are going to come up on the

program. So again, you know, our live podcast in May is sold out with Ray Comper April, April or May. I think it's May. It's early May. Hopefully that happens. Let's see. But you know, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram and Twitter. Get on there. Subscribe to the Tim Dillon show on YouTube. If you can, we don't care who you are. You could be a QAnon head. You're welcome here. You know, you know, we don't, we don't, we don't think you're right. You're right about some things, not about others. You could be a violent communist. You're welcome here. We welcome everyone. Isis, get in here. You nut. Everybody needs content. Everybody needs content because that's all we have left. Get a podcast or lube it up. We're in the darkness now. Goodbye.