The Tim Dillon Show - 193: 193 - Fun Easter Foods

Episode Date: March 29, 2020

Tim describes a perfect Easter lunch on this warm, uplifting episode of The Tim Dillon Show. Enjoy your Sunday! Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: https://hawthorne.co/ use promo code TIM Follow the show: Tim J Dillon Twitter - http://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Tim J Dillon Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Tim D Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ugh, I just wish it was like 9-Eleven, 9-Eleven in comparison to this was so nice, it was so, first of all it was the fall, it was the fall and you know the holidays were coming and yes you felt unsafe and yes your friends dad died and yes you went to a lot of candle vigils but you could be together, you could hug each other, kiss people on the cheek, you could sit in a bar, the booze was flowing and the food and you could go out and be together, there was humanity, there were displays of compassion all around, I just wish it was like 9-Eleven in the fall, eating pumpkin muffins, talking about all the bombs we were going to drop on the evil doers, it was such a nice time, it was so simple, there were evil people who had

done an act of unspeakable cruelty and there were good boys and girls in Long Island New York who were going to go to school and try to figure this world out because we were young and we had promise when this shit happens when you're 35 and you realize you're fucked, you were almost fucked before the pandemic, it's not fun, a crisis is not fun in your mid 30s, it's okay when you're 17 because you have so much to learn, it's okay, you're 17, you're like I'm becoming a person, this is a formative period in my life, I mean it's like at this point I'm oscillating between friends who think the virus is fake and friends who desperately want to get the virus because they want Instagram followers, they want attention, I got two types of people calling me, people telling

me the virus doesn't exist and I'm falling for propaganda and people that think they have the virus and want to just tell people they have the virus because they need fucking attention, they're praying for corona, these are the two groups of people I have in my life in their mid 30s just waiting for the guillotine to drop, I just wish it was like 9-11, it was so nice and simple and I was so young, I didn't understand anything about the world and I started reading Thomas Friedman who wrote for the New York Times and he doesn't understand anything about the world but I thought he did because I was 17 and he would write stupid things like the world is gone from interconnected to hyperconnected and I would go fuck I'm smart,

I get it and then you grow the fuck up and you realize that nobody has any clue what's going on and life is truly a waste of time, the articles are a waste of time, the tweet threads are a waste of time, it is truly all just something to do, there's no way to contextualize anything, nothing makes fucking sense, throw open the doors to the church if that's where you find yourself and I don't blame whatever you gotta do, you find yourself in an anarchist vegan compound in fucking Portland because you're a communist witch and that's the only way you can stay sane, God love you, no judgment from me, I've given up right and wrong, Republican Democrat left and right, it's all disgusting, we're all just germs waiting to go bye bye, statistics are stupid,

people are genuinely insane and I don't mean fun insane, I mean no genuinely, rubber room, danger to themselves and others insane and you share a country with them and they have a vote and you have a vote and I don't know how that works, I don't understand how that all works long term and the people with the money and the power of taking the last train out and they've shut the lights off and they've grabbed everything they can and they took the last flight out and left you standing on the tarmac and what did you think they wouldn't, you thought you were getting any of that two trillion dollars, good luck baby, you're getting 600 or 1200 depending on what fake tax bracket you're in and it's all fine,

we're in the end of winter, the worst time, the beginning of spring, march is the worst month and it always has been the worst month because you understand how bad February is going to be, it's going to be cold, it'll suck, it feels like forever and then you get to march and you have all this false hope and then march is just a rainy allergy filled hellscape where if everybody didn't have corona they think they have corona because everybody wakes up with a sniffle or a cough or post nasal drip because it is fucking March, the worst month in the world, you're just sick, you're sick of it and you need the sun and the heat and the summer, you need that time when you could just take a little breath, take a little breath, step away, go to your beach club,

go to someone else's beach club, go find a friend with a boat, go trade up, go find a friend with a little more going on than you have so you can enjoy the summer, you can't enjoy the summer unless you make friends with a little bit of money, let's get real, the summer's not for the poor, it ain't, never has been, I know you saw some movie about somebody swimming in a creek, that ain't real anymore, that's not real, the quickest, the creek is sewage now, so if you don't have a friend with a beach house, you're fucked, you're in a public pool where people are shitting and they're bleeding from their AIDS legions, not me, buddy, oh I'm gonna make a friend with a big boom, nice big pool and a plump cheeseburger, I put my fat face and I'll sing and dance for it,

I'll sing and dance and I'll make all the funny animals, I'll make all the anecdotes they want, I'll make all the anecdotes they want as long as I can visit their pool or their beach because that's really what the summer is, you gotta trade up in the summer, get the losers away in the summer, I don't care how you made your money, I don't care if you sold masks to nurses outside of the ER, I want that pool, I don't care, I don't care how much blood money it took to get this house in the Hamptons, I'm not going to a public pool or God forbid a beach club, the refuge of the middle class, no cops and firefighters for me this summer, get out of here, no Italians in Irish, Jews and wasps, I don't give a fuck about this pan fucking demic,

if I'm alive I'm gonna get a rich fucking friend for the summer, you better take a look at your social circle and think of all of you fuckers who's gonna be left and who's gonna have a little coin, I've been trying to donate to coronavirus and it is very difficult and I'll tell you why, they don't need money as much as they need supplies, they need masks, they need ventilators, I cannot make a ventilator in my West Hollywood apartment, I lack the skill, I lack the material, I don't know what it is, could I make masks, I don't know but I don't think I can and the masks that I make would just be insulting, it would be stupid, so anticipating that this is a larger economic problem of course, it impacts lots of people, I guess somebody told me today,

they said you could just donate to a food bank and all right but guys, guys, guys, how sexy is donating to a food bank, let's get real, does anybody want to donate anonymously to a food bank, I want to donate to something where I can show the world that I'm doing it so I can inspire them, I want a photo of me outside Cedar Sinai, I want two doctors and a nurse crouched on the floor holding their stethoscopes and I want to be behind them with my hand on each of their backs and I want that photo, I don't need to go anonymously donate to a food bank, I want something big, something glossy, a little sexy, a little sexy, I know they're going through with doctors and nurses, I know that, I know that and it's fucking

sucks out there and I want to help them but I also want to be photographed doing it if that makes me a bad person fine, if that makes, if you don't want to listen to the show anymore or then fine, I want to be photographed helping, I'm not saying I need a documentary about me helping, that wouldn't be horrible either but I want to still photograph or a few of them of me helping in whatever capacity I help, I want that's all so if there's a way for me to help that is a little sexy, please let me know, a little bit of a photo op, I appreciate all the first responders and nurses and doctors taking time away from patients to send me messages on Instagram so I know what's going on for my show,

I appreciate that, don't stop, keep sending those messages, just keep sending them, doesn't matter what the hell's going on in there, keep me abreast of all the local developments on the ground please, it's another pandemic all my relatives are going to somehow survive, great 9-11, the financial crisis, every kind of cancer, they're unbeatable, the boomers are, you can't get them, can't get them, they're going to walk around like Lazarus raised from the dead, complaining about the temperature of shrimp, what's wrong, did you leave it out for too long, I'm telling you, you're not going to beat the boomer, do people think this is this virus, the boomer remover, think not, it'll get some people and that's fucking tragic,

but the boomers are going to be back and they're going to be back with the vengeance, this is their holocaust, they're going, there will be, you think the boomers were bad before, they're going to talk about COVID-19 the way people talk about Kristallnacht, I'm telling you, they're not going to let it go, you think they were annoying before, these motherfuckers are going to go hard, they're going to go hard, they'll tell a nurse right to her face that she doesn't know shit, they'll be like well you don't even, well where were you, I was a nurse on the front line, the front lines are what, you're young, I was old in my house having to be racist in my home and not at the local restaurant, they're not going anywhere folks, the boomers are not going

anywhere, I'm reading a lot of things where they're saying that the 2.2 million expected death total you know is a little high, they might be revising that down but they also think you know obviously day to day it's a fucking nightmare and I have a lot of fucking people that listen to the show that are out there in the trenches and I fucking respect you guys and I appreciate it and I wish I could help you but I can't legally, can't leave the house so I will send a tweet, I will do a story on Instagram and I will even maybe do a TikTok dance but I can't leave the home and but I will donate money or I will do something, I want to order you guys food, I want to do something for you, I'm providing you a lot of entertainment, let's be honest, let's get real here, there's not a lot

of shows doing it like we're doing it right now, they're actually funny, it's a lot of garbage, there's a lot of collaborate, people on Zoom and everything and you can't hear anything, first of all enough with the guests, enough with the guests, if you need, stop, broadcast, give us your opinion, you don't need the same 30 comedians interviewing each other over and over again until the planet explodes, have a thought and articulate it, you're asking people to pay your money, how about that? Shut up, end times, you goon, enough with the guests, no I don't want to collaborate, I don't want to collaborate with you in a pandemic, I'm going to collaborate in a pandemic? No, everybody retreat to your corners, to your own thing, you're going to have a lot of

pandemic friendships, people are going to call you that you never speak to and you're going to be like my friends are this person and you might be but it's a pandemic friendship, there's going to be pandemic relationships, you're going to start fucking somebody that's near you because it's a pandemic, I tend to believe that relationships aren't the most valuable when they only make themselves known during a period of absolute and utter desperation and crisis. You know what I mean? I tend to think in order to find out who your real friends are, free associations needed, the ability to leave your home, those small benefits of being able to walk down the street and meet other people and stand closer than six feet away from them.

So just be a little careful, be a little careful with the pandemic collaborations, the disease friendships you're making, just we get it, don't be upset when they lift the travel restrictions and that person travels the fuck out of your life, that's all, don't be, don't be afraid to look at things with, you know, your head right now as well as your heart. What are the totals? We do this every episode. We do this not to be crass and not to, you know, but to just figure out where we are. This is Thursday, this episode is going as Saturday night, early Sunday morning. I guess everything could change in a day or two, but this is the most recent totals we have of sick cases. We do the world and then we do the United States of America.

And I am fucking bummed that New Orleans is having a time of it down there because other than New York, it is my favorite city and I love it. We have a total of 532,224 cases in the world and a total of, wait a minute, wait a minute, what? 532,224. Does that sound right? Yeah. And then deaths, we have 24,087. For the U.S. right now, we are at 85,594 cases, total deaths, 1300. Okay. Because you hear the numbers, here's the thing with this, you hear the numbers and you go everything is about what could happen and what might happen. Because if you look at the numbers and you are like, why do we have a morgue if there has only been a certain amount of deaths? Why do we have a frozen morgue ready to go? Why are we converting? Why can't we handle,

because more people die than this? We are talking about 1300. But I think it is the expectation that this thing gets so brutal and so ugly and so many people end up dying that like Italy, you are not going to be able to have funerals. And it is fucking deeply tragic that that shit could be happening. Because I get it guys, I am getting frustrated with the social distancing, I am getting very frustrated. I want to fucking leave my apartment. I mean, I do, I walk around and stuff, but like I have had enough. Dude, I spent the last decade doing stand-up comedy and I spent the last decade traveling, traveling all over the place to a point where the majority of my day when I wasn't traveling was just complaining about traveling as to how horrible it

is to travel. Okay. My life coughs and colds and shove and dayquil down my throat and Advil cold and sinus and sniffles and you know, the plane and everything, the germs and that was my entire fucking existence and now I am locked, locked down, locked down. I am only able to podcast and then you fall into the internet. You fall into the black hole, the abyss. You know, I like performing. I like people after shows coming up to me shaking my hand to go and hey, that was great or hey, I'm a big fan. You see the human face of people. You lose that when you're inside and you're online. You lose that. You lose that there's fucking real people out there that connect with what you're doing. I appreciate all the messages and shit you guys send online.

You know, but it's so, I'm just, I'm just, I'm so envious of the nurses and the doctors that get to leave their house every day. They're so lucky. I hope they realize how lucky they are. I hope they truly appreciate how lucky they are. The nurses and the doctors and the first responders that get to just Gallivan wherever the fuck they want. I'm just, I just hope they realize what a unique position they're in. That's all. That's all I'm saying. And listen, let's talk about the economy for a minute. I don't want to sound heartless. I don't want to sound heartless, but let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. Is it inappropriate to ask that somebody on a ventilator work?

Is it inappropriate for me to suggest there are jobs you can do while you're on a ventilator? Is it wrong? I'm dead serious. Why not? If you're intubated and you have tubes and your machine is breathing for you and you're in a medically induced coma, is there nothing you can do? I mean, I don't know. I'm not an expert, but I know the economy is paramount in everyone's concern. You know, Domino's striked. Of course I'm kidding. For you idiots out there that are probably like, yeah, he's right. He's right about that. Don't write about it. He's right. They should be working. Hey, what are they going to open up Chick-fil-A? After all this is done and after the nurses wore the garbage bags and after everybody dies,

there's people going to be like singing that Lee Greenwood song. It's going to be so far. I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free. Great. But that's the thing, the economy. Trump says we're going to have the churches full by Easter. If that happens, they'll call it the Easter Massacre. Just like killing everybody on Easter. Doctors say that this thing is fucking unpredictable in every imaginable way. You don't know how it really affects you. You can be healthy and drop dead. You can be unhealthy and it can be okay. You can be old. You can be young. They don't know anything about it. They don't truly have a real understanding of this. It's all pretty much based

on averages and numbers and China's full of shit. So Rogan sent me an article the other night, which I don't know if it's making the rounds. Ben's going to pull it out where it says, China's missing 21 million cell phone users. They just went offline. Yeah, it was in Bloomberg. If you know anything about China, you know that their cell phones are a way to track the population. So, you know, cell phone is pretty important in that country, especially to that government. They want you to have a phone. They want you to have a phone so they can find out what the fuck you're up to. So China mobile subscriptions fell by more than 8 million over January and February. Data on the company's website show. China,

Umicom, Hong Kong, subscribers fell by 7.8 million in this period while China Telecom Corp has lost 5.6 million users last month. Are we saying, does this mean that the death totals are much higher and that they're running 24 hour crematoriums and they are just burning bodies? I don't know. I'm asking a question. I'm saying, does this mean that the death total is so much higher, so much higher? Now they're like Spain has more deaths than China. It's like, wait, what? Really? That's what they're saying. Look it up. Doesn't make any fucking sense or maybe not more deaths, but more cases. What are they saying? Um, so on the worldometer, we have 81,000 in China and 57,000 in Spain. Death. Oh, but deaths. Yeah. By like 2000 more. Yeah. 1500 more.

No way, dude. I call bluff. There's no way. China's, but China's juke in those numbers. China, I know what you did. You, you're a good you. China is taking people and throwing them into furnace. By the way, you know why their cases went down? Cause if you go report a case, they go, Oh, thanks. Hold on. You know, when you go into a doctor and they, they sit you on the little thing and they go, they take your blood pressure and go, hold on, the doctor's gonna commit it and be in in a minute. If you complain of a COVID symptoms, the Chinese guy goes, yeah, hold on a doctor to be in a minute. And then the military comes in and they shoot you in the face. I mean, there, there's no way. I mean, like if you're reporting those symptoms right now,

they are not even listening. They are not hearing that ain't nobody got time for that. They are going to put the gun in your throat. Yeah. They're going to pretend this is some thermometer. You can look at it. It's going to be a gun. They're done. China's done with this shit. They're like, we're done with coronavirus. Next. They don't give a fuck. Hey guys, gotta be honest with it. Maybe it's not the worst attitude. I don't know. I don't know. I flip it. He flop. I'm on the fence here. You know, we cannot, we cannot sit in our homes for six months. I know some people think we can cause they have no idea the economy works and they're masturbating all day. They think this is fun. They're eating pancakes

and just whacking it. And they're like, this is great. What's everyone's problem? Some of us like to get out and do something. Doesn't mean do it tomorrow. We're not going there. But I'm saying eventually we need to kind of, we need to get out. We, you know, we, we can't just have fuck. We can't all be sitting here waiting for martial law forever. You know, looking at the windows going, what are the tanks going to roll down the street? We don't want to burden the hospitals. I get it, you know, but you still have to keep your eye on the prize. Think event, you know, when things are good in the summer, you can eat some big clamps. And you know what's great about this country? If the death toll is not as bad, you know, you're just going to be out to

dinner all summer with people that are like, I fuck, I told you, I told you it was fake. So it's like, almost like what's more annoying going out to dinner with those people or just let's take a million or two people, million or two and let's get, get them out of here. Because those people are going to be so annoying that even though I don't want too many people to die, those people at dinner are going to be so fucking brutal to sit down and listen to because they're going to be like, yo, yo, real big plague. That was she almost want it. You know what I mean? Right, right. You almost want some stats. Of course we, you know, you don't want anyone that we know to die. Right. Let's keep it strangers

or people I don't really love. A lot of people that haven't done enough for me in the business. Let's be honest. My level of talent does not correspond at all to my level of money. I should have a lot of fucking money and I don't. I have enough. Don't worry. I have enough. We're doing fine. We're getting by the Patreon, but like, look, look at the, I will, I could introduce you to millionaires who I mean these people. I mean, they can't spell their name. I mean, truly 80,000 cases in the US, 85,000 cases. What does New York have right now? New York leading the pack NYC 37,000 cases, 387 deaths in the state of New York.

You know what's interesting, man? It's a real reset for anybody who's young. If you're under 25, it's time to move back home if you can move back home. Listen, don't, don't be upset. Don't think it's a failure. But if you, if it's at all possible for you to go back home for 12 to 24 months and save fucking money, there's no shame in it. This is a reset. I can't go home. My mother's in a mental institution and my father and his wife lived together. I can't, there is no home for me to go and I'm 35. That's also, you can't go home when you're 35. That's it. You're in your mid 30s. The home you go when you're 35 is your death eventually. You're closer to that than the age when you can just walk, you know, go home,

which is why in retrospect, what a great time 9 11 was. It was just such a fun fucking time. 9 11. Wow. Just growing up, being young. You know, is it going to be anthrax? It's going to be smallpox. What's going to get us biotera? Nothing happened. There were no additional attacks. You know, you know what's great about 9 11? Everything made you a hero going out and getting drunk made you a hero because if you didn't go out and get drunk, the terrorists won. Right. Oh, so good. If you didn't go out and get drunk and eat a sandwich at 2am, the terrorists won. Do you want the terrorists to win? No. So you go live your life. Remember President Bush? He's like, what can Americans do? He said, go shopping. Go shopping because that's what we are.

We got to lean in a little bit to that. We are demons from hell. That's really what we are. We're not a good country of good people. That idea has to be smashed. Let's lean in. It's I get it when Bush is like, go shopping. He's not wrong. He's like, what are you guys going to do anyway? What are you going to do? What are you going to do to grief counseling? Shut the fuck. What are you going to volunteer your time to talk to people? Do grief counseling? No. Go and buy a dress. Go get a car and drive it real fast. Fatty. Go get a panini press. Go get a waffle iron. I mean, that's what we do. We shop or the terrorists win. We get drunk or the terrorists win. That was a great thing about 9 11. You were, it was your patriotic duty to consume,

to consume, to go out and gorge yourself with food and wine and booze, do shots with your friends and get fucked up on the weekends because this is America and that's how we roll and Osama bin Laden will never take that away from us. He'll never take away our ability to go out to bars and get fucked up with money that we stole from our parents one way or the other. Sometimes it was hard stealing. There's a little money on a mantle. It's mine. Sometimes you go right into the pocketbook, right into the purse, take a little bit off the top, go right in there and grab a couple of 20s, 50. Oh, you got 100. Gotta be a good night. Gotta be a good night. Hope she doesn't notice. She's had a few.

Lot of people in Long Island stole kleptomaniacs. They steal money. They love it. I would take money every now and then I was a junk box, druggy. Some people did it sober. That's funny to me. Hilarious. I mean, I know people who are stone cold sober stealing from their families. Great. No excuse stealing, stealing clothes. You know, there's something very deeply wrong with the area that I come from. It's a sickness. It's worse than Corona. It's worse than COVID. It's 100% rate of being a piece of shit. That's the statistic. You grow up in Long Island full of malls. You get a job because your mother's friend Deb knows someone at the rec center. You just sit there in a chair and watch

people almost drowned in the pool. Life is a meaningless waste of time. Don't kid yourself. And don't kid yourself. I don't think much will change in this country to this pandemic. I thought that it would. I'm like, people are gonna start getting serious. They'll move out to the suburbs. They're gonna want kids. They're gonna want, you know, they want real. I don't know. I don't know. It would be great if that shit ends. If you're a fucking one man show is over. If you realize that you want to get, you know, something real in your life, tangible property, family, you're not just going to wall surround being a dilettante pretending to be an artist, wasting your own time and everybody else's, you know, New York could get dangerous again.

Economy could get bad. Moving to a city like that could be a real risk. The fun might be over. You better really fucking want it. You better really want it. If you gave if you could get a knife to your throat on the A train, you better really want to be fucking funny and interesting. You better really want otherwise the pull of the traditional life, the life that many of you should be living, the traditional life that it's going to be a, it's going to be very strong. After this pandemic, my prediction could be wrong is that the pull of that tradition is going to come back suburbs back. I want space. I want property. I want a house. How many people are quarantining in a box right now going no more. I want out. I want to, I want something real. I

want to love someone. I want them to love me. I want real responsibilities. I don't want to host a fair weather friends and people trying to step on my neck to get ahead. I want to get the fuck out of these cities like New York and LA and go. People like me are going to stay, but we should stay because we're, we're good at what we do. You ain't and you know what I'm talking to. If you're sitting out there and you listen to this and you're like, Hey man, is he talking to me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you even think like that, I'm talking to you. You should be sitting there going, fuck this fat fuck. I do it better than him. And then you got a shot. If you're sitting there going, fuck this guy. I could do that show better. He's what is Netflix is whatever.

Everybody sweats this guy, but fuck him. Who cares? I would do it better. Oh, I'm making good. That now I respect you little demon, but you'll still fail because life's a bitch. So don't get too high on your high horse. Okay. I just booked a Lewis Gomez for an hour. This is what happens. I forget how much I like Lewis. You need people like Lewis right now. You're going to need people to figure out ways because there's going to be a lot of naysayers and doomsdayers. I'm one of them. I'm going to tell you to jump off a building. Lewis is going to give you a ladder and the

ladder is going to break and you're still going to die, but it's going to feel nicer. See what I mean? I'm just, I'm just ready for the summer. I'm ready for the quarantine to end. I'm ready for these call. You know, you got to call your family now. Hi. Hello. Yeah. It's bad. I know it's bad. I know. Oh, you're not going out either. I'm not going out. Yeah. No, I know. I know. No one's going out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and your family split between people who are like Trump's the hero or Trump's the antichrist and, you know, you know, whatever, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, you know, it's going to be interesting Easter. Easter for me was never a holiday that I loved. I mean, it was,

you don't get anything. It's not like Christmas. It's not good food. I mean, Easter is about honey baked ham. It's what it's about. Now, my nanny made a great mustard and vinegar glazed ham, which is even better. She took vinegar and golden yellow mustard. I mean, which is it just a beast mode on that pink ham beast mode. You own the appropriate potatoes on Easter or O grotton. They're O grotton. You fucking savage. Mashed potatoes. Fine. But it's an O grotton potato holiday. It's a pink ham holiday or a lamb holiday. It is not or beef. You can do a Chateaubriand. You could do a porter house. You don't do fish. Christ came back. You cheap fuck. You don't do fish. You do a fucking roast.

If you're Hispanic, you can get away with fresh pork and shit. I'm not telling you people how to live. Last thing I need is a knife to my fucking throat. It's not pasta. God help you. It's not pasta. It's not a casserole. It is steak, ham or fucking lamb. Nice rosemary crust on that lamb. Nice garlic and herb O grotton potatoes, string beans. The desserts are no chocolate. This is the rule. Chocolate is for the baskets. The desserts are pastry creams and fruit. Okay. That's what it's about. Light desserts. Appetizers are nothing. The dips. All the other holidays, you can have some warm appetizers. Easter is inappropriate. You have salads, light dips, things like that. It's a feast holiday. It's about a roast.

And the desserts shouldn't be heavy chocolate winter desserts. We're in spring now. Okay. You do, you know, like, you know, it's a great Easter dessert is that meal crepe cake meal, meal, whatever, from New York City, which is layered with crepes and cream. That's a perfect fucking dessert on Easter. You piece of shit. Oh, the podcast, they'll look at you like this. Yeah, I like that. I don't I don't want to look at you. The fuck over it. Tell me. Yeah, I want you to look at me. Yeah, I don't have to look at you. You get what I'm saying. Okay. Enough. Go watch something else. Why don't you look at the camera? Why doesn't your studio look like an adult treehouse?

Why not? Why don't you read listener mail? I don't because I don't care what you say. Read listener mail. Why don't I listen to your show? Listener mail. You fucking on crack. Can we send in questions? No, we do the live stream. You asked a question. That's sending you the question. Um, but that's what Easter's about. It's a good holiday if you eat and you know, but you gotta eat. Don't don't fuck around. You know, do the right thing there. You know, you're not going to be able to have Easter now. You're going to have with you. And here's the other thing. Let me say another thing about your quarantine content. Stop with the

cute families doing like choreographed dances. There are people wearing garbage bags, contracting this disease and dying. Stop with your choreographed family pajama dance. You psychopath. What in God's name is wrong with you? I'm glad it took a pandemic for you to be a parent. I'm glad. But keep it to yourself. There are people that are struggling and dying. They can't breathe on their own. Nobody needs to see you in a choreographed dance with your family and pajamas. Like it's a big fucking snow day. It ain't a snow day. Maybe this is why we, maybe I'm a little loud. This is why they're complaining. It gives a fuck. I'll get out of this apartment in three fucking months. I'll go somewhere else. Think I give a shit this shit all. Think I'm impressed

here. You fucking apartment dwelling pigs, the fucking own houses, huh? Scumbags. I love this complex. You Google everybody's father. See who's paying the fucking rent degenerates. These fucking apartment complexes. West Hollywood. They charge a lot of fucking money because everybody's, everybody's a loser and they can't get a house, but they're, they think they're less of a loser than some Kentucky person who eats carnival food because they get to live in Hollywood. Fuck you. You're a pig and I'll kick you in your face. I'll beat that property manager out. I'll, I will fight a woman. I will fight a middle-aged woman in the streets. Hummus at Easter. You serve something like that because it's the themes Middle Eastern.

I'll grab a hair. Have you seen a woman get a hair yank like that? She's not expecting it. Yeah. Oh yeah. Should have thought better of that. Yeah. Only if she hits me first and I'm protecting myself. The point that I'm trying to make is this. Stop treating this like a big snow day. It's not a vacation for the people that are in the hospital right now working their asses off. You know, and I got all kidding aside, these people are fucking working their asses off, you know? And I just think it's a little, you know, there was this one, there's one TikTok where, you know, people send me TikToks. I'm not even on the fucking, I should get on it. People send me TikToks. There's this one family that's like, it's my mom's birthday, so we're all dressing up tonight to

feel special even though we're in quarantine. Come again. You're in quarantine because there's a disease ravaging people's life. We're all dressing up tonight to feel special in quarantine. You are special, you dumb cunt. You're not sick, and you're not fucking helping anyone in the hospital. You're the most privileged person in the world right now because you're fucking not sick, and you ain't broke, and you got enough fucking money to eat. So shut the fuck up. You wanted to feel special by putting a fucking dress on. You're as special as you get. You heartless cunt. It sounds like I'm always against women, but there's men also. Cunt is not gendered to me. Her cunt father was there and her cunt little brother. My cousin said that. He's like,

that would never happen in our family. I'm like, yeah, we hate each other. My family hates each other, and it's my favorite thing about them. It's true. My family, you know, we really dislike each other, but we're open about it. We're honest about it, and we'll tell you right to our face, yeah, we don't. Not for me. How's your uncle doing? Yeah, not for me, but it's just like, let's fucking calm it the fuck down with how happy we are on the, you know, it's like a big snow day. It's a snow day. Look at my, look at my new socks that match my pajamas. I'm eating French toast in bed. Outside is just gunshots and screaming. You just hear dogs screaming, howling at the night. People don't want to feel special. You're lucky. You're quarantining with a few, you know how many

people are alone right now, man? I'm alone right now. I mean, Ben comes over and I have all of you fucking rejects that fucking listen, but you know how many people are alone right now? Like old people that are fucking alone and terrified and you're on fucking TikTok dancing. Just, fucking understand that you're lucky. There's a lot of people that are alone right now, man. Mentally ill people that are very sad, you know, you know, some of them said the pandemic's not worse, but many, many people can go either way. I'm just sick of sitting in this apartment. I'm sick of the fucking, you know, two of the rooms and you have carpets. They tried my allergies, fucking crazy. You know, I'm taking a fucking thermometer every day. Make sure I don't have COVID,

COVID coronavirus. Stop thinking Andrew Cuomo is going to be your savior. He's a meatball. He's a goddamn meatball. He is better than Joe Biden. I mean, Joe Biden is, I mean, Joe Biden can not be nominated to run for president. He is shot. He cannot be nominated. He has dementia. You got to go with Bernie Sanders or Andrew Cuomo and I hate Cuomo because he's a meatball. You know, he didn't shut down the city quick enough and then he reversed his decision and then everyone praised him for it. Like he's making the tough choices. Yeah, make it a week before. Make it a week earlier. Save people's lives. I don't like him. I don't like his brother Chris. It's CNN. I do not like them. The Irish and the Italians have destroyed the country. Okay.

They've destroyed it with their thuggery. So I don't want president meatball. I don't need that garlic knot. Why is he on TV every day? Why do you have a press conference every day? You're not the president. You'd think he was running for president. He's on every single day. Hey, you don't go to Cuomo. New York is a problem. But like we're doing everything we can. We're doing, I talked to my friend Sal at the pizzeria and he sent us a calzone to the hospital so everybody could eat. Hey, it's Andrew Cuomo. My brother works at CNN. His name's Chris. My name's Andrew. I'm a garlic knot. I'm a sausage and pepper hero. I'm the governor of New York. And everybody likes me because I can speak. I can literally

enunciate a word. That's what he's so good. Like that's that's a bad it's gotten in the country where people like he's a good speaker. He's not a good speaker. He can talk. That's the level we're at. He can speak. He's able to talk. Joe Biden's like, well, you know, you know, the declaration, etc. So many people like he's literally coming in and out of it. Do his aides. No, I bet they know. I bet Simone Sanders knows that big black chick that fucking wasn't it great to see her take that white animal rights activist, cut right off the stage. Love that. But I bet Simone knows and she's like, we're just gonna run. We're running Joe. And that's it. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna run fucking Biden. And you know,

yeah, he's fucking his brains rotted. You know, I mean, why not? It's a dysfunctional society. Why not have the head of it have dementia? You know, it's you know, it's like a failed state here. We can't get masks to nurses. Do you know how many frozen yogurt shops we have in this country? I love somebody, you know, there's a great article in the Atlantic about what could happen after the pandemic. It's very hopeful. It's a guy being like, people gonna turn to science and kids are gonna, they're not gonna want to be celebrities, gonna want to be scientists and public health is going to be the main issue in every political campaign. And I was like, man, man, I, I hope you are right. But man, I beg to differ. God, I beg to differ. I'll tell you that

much. Kids are going to want to be scientists. Yeah, okay, we'll see. They're licking the toilets. Which kids the ones that are licking toilets and coffin on the fruit. Those kids are going to be scientists. Yeah, doesn't I don't think they've internalized this. I don't think they've really realized this yet. Who knows that could be wrong. I've talked for so much tonight. It's like my third hour of podcast. It's amazing. It's amazing how much just raw talking, you're approaching like four hours of podcasting today. It's crazy. Yeah. And then I got to shoot this dumb thing for David Spade show. God, I mean, I'm really had it. I was wanting to bend on the couch earlier. I'm like, I can't do

that anymore. It's not right. I just like to go places, you know, I like to get on a plane, get the fuck out of Dodge. I like to go to Dallas. I like to go to Austin. I like to go to Vegas. Those are my three favorite cities at the moment to go to Austin, Dallas and Vegas. They're all somewhat close. Texas not really. You know, dude, what's fucking Vegas going to do? Vegas is very weird. I have a love hate with Vegas because, you know, I've been to Vegas a bunch and I've had some of the best times in my life in Vegas, but I've had some rough times too in the sense that like I went there with a girl in senior year of high school that she was into me and I was, you know, fucking, I had to ruin it by being a faggot. It's like, you know, I mean,

I didn't ruin it immediately, but I mean, eventually it was ruined. So Vegas is always kind of like this weird town of like comp, like to me, I'm like, oh, you got to kind of, you know, there's a thing about Vegas where it brings you face to face with who you are and what you're willing to do, right? It's like, what, what are you willing to do? How much are you willing to gamble? Who are you willing to fuck? Who are you willing to lie to? What are you willing to do? What version of yourself can you be? It can be any version in Vegas. It's very interesting town Vegas. And I've always, even when I went there the last time and we had dinner with Ty Rivera, funny comic, we were there, and I was like in love with the restaurant we were at and repulsed at the exact same time.

And I was like, I love this, that we're watching a show outside while we're eating and I hate it. And I love it and I hate it. And that was the whole, I asked my feel about Vegas, a lot of, it's a lot of people feel the same way about New York. When I talked to people about New York that lived there for a few years, it didn't grow, you know, they don't have like roots there or whatever. They're like, man, I love it and I hate it. But Vegas is interesting because it just, there's this endless amount of options about, you know, what you can do. Do you have money? Are you pretending to have money? Are you there to have a threesome? Are you there to fucking hook up? Are you there to gamble? Are you there to see a show? Are you there to perform? Are you there

to be? But I also like the freaks in Vegas. I like the night, you know, the freaks of the night, the people that are at the people that used to inhabit cities like New York, you know, you know, before, you know, all of those freaks started hedge funds. I like that element of Vegas, you know, you go down to like, I think it's Fremont Street. I mean, it was, you know, we were walking down there. I was like, I mean, it was rough. Yeah. Down there, you know, that big praying mantis shooting fire out of its antennas. Yeah. Fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's, I was going to say it wasn't pre mantis. I was going to say, and then it was the name of a comic and it was going to make you laugh so hard. But we can't, but it was just so fun. It was like,

that wasn't pre mantis. That was blank. Yeah. It was so funny. But then I thought quickly, and I was like, who can I say where they won't be mad? And everyone's a cunt now. So no one, so we have to abandon that joke. And that won't hit ever as hard because it's not, but that's one of the best jokes that I do with Ben is he'll say something. I'll be like, that was blank. It's got to be like a quick little Woody Allen one, one liner. Or you'll see a homeless person walking by and you'll be like, Hey, you know, blank, right? He just did Conan or whatever. Correct. Yeah. It's a good reoccurring joke. It's never not funny. It's never not a brightens the day. And the worst they look, the funnier

it is. Like if it's some guy just no shoe on wandering around with his own shit in his hand, holding his shit. And I go, Hey, you know this guy. It's funny. But Vegas is going to get hit. Vegas is going to get hit. It's going to get hit. But Vegas always find a way, you know, Vegas is a tough place. And the people that live there are tough people and a little crazy. And that's kind of what you need in a downturn. You need people to be tough and a little crazy. And people that live there and people that, you know, they tolerate risk in Vegas. That's what the whole fucking town is the whole thing. And I think that city, even though it's because it was crushed in the financial crisis, 2008 came back was crushed. You know, so it's a, it's a city that I find pretty interesting.

And I'm wondering how rough the road back is, but the road back is going to be rough for a lot of places. Cause we're not even, not even in the problem yet. You know, everybody on TV is like, we're not even in the thing yet. I'm like, what, when's the thing? When's that? Can we not have press conferences until that? Cause I can't take a month lead up to that. I thought we were in it. We're not even, we're not even in the thing. Well, we're not even in the wave. The wave hasn't crested. What? What's happening? I mean, can we, can we get to that? Can we get to that now? Is there a way to rush that? Can we get to the wave? Can we cough on some old people? Do a shock test the system? What do you want to do here? But that becomes

a dredge report is saying deaths will top 80,000 in the next four months. Did you see that? Yeah, but here's, here's my question. Okay. Yeah. That's horrible. What is that? What is that based on? The amount of people they think will get it versus the mortality, you know, saying it may not subside until June, according to a data analysis done by University of Washington School of Medicine. I think these data analysis models are not doing anybody any good. I think they're important to share internally with hospitals. But why do we keep putting this out in the news if it's based on like what the fuck, you know,

put a few of them out, let people know it could be settling in for a long haul. Why do we need a new model every day that's based on, you know, just projections? Yeah. We don't know. This could have been circulating for three months. We, you know, people have no idea. You know, I mean, looking at the new data analysis model, this will crest in 2020-28. It's like what, it's not useful. This is not useful information. These wild projections are not useful information. Tell people what to do now. Tell people what they can do now. But we're looking at April, May, June. I'm telling you right now, folks, we cannot have a 90-day quarantine. I don't think we can. I just

mean for the, and I'm not saying like, I don't want to put the vulnerable people out to work. Nobody should die for this. I'm not saying any of that. But I'm wondering if we can have a 90-120-day quarantine. Can we have shut the economy down for 90-120-day? I don't, I don't know. I don't think so. That's six or $1,200 you're getting is not going to do anything for 90 or, I mean, 120 days. So I think what eventually has to happen is once we get a handle on this, we have to start opening things up in small doses. There's just not a ton of other options here. You know, if we could all sit in a bubble for a year and somehow eradicate all of that, I just don't think that's going to happen. I think it's going to be, you know, a few months. But I think

May towards June, we're going to be looking at, you know, hopefully, and then we're all going to be so fucking traumatized when they open doors and go, you're allowed out. We're going to go, no. Yeah. You know, we're going to go, no. You're institutionalized. Yeah. Yeah. I'll stay in my cage. Thank you. Maybe that's what they want. I don't know. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not for that, which is why I've always been critical of the people that are like, this isn't real. The virus isn't real because I'm not an idiot. So I talk to people and they go, oh, it's real. Yeah. Yeah. On the other side, though, I'm very aware of how this can be used to enslave a population of people. I'm not an idiot. I know that when you take away everybody's rights and you suspend

rights that they would normally have had for an indefinite period of time, you're, you're dramatically changing the way that they live and that at the end of that, it can be incredibly tough to, you know, adjust to the idea that that power isn't just innate in the government. They shouldn't be able to just shut it down and tell you, absent a pandemic, absent a public health crisis. And then what is a public health crisis? You know what, now this clearly is one, but what down the road could be one that will be turned into a public health crisis. What, you know, down the road could be used to shut it down. I, you know, these are questions. These are real questions you have to ask yourself.

You know, you're getting a ticket for jogging in certain cities. So these are real, you know, you know, this ain't a drill. This is the reality of where you are. And you have to understand that while you're sacrificing your freedoms temporarily, you cannot indefinitely surrender them. And you can't, you know, you can't also think that that's not a possibility or that there are people that don't want you to have those, they don't want you to have any freedom. Truly, a lot of people do not want you to have any freedom. And people will voluntarily give up much of their freedom without guns, without, you know, I'm looking at a lot of cities and, you know, the expectation is that crime will go up.

It probably will, certainly will. But I also think that you're going to see a situation where there's so much publicizing of that fact. Oh, we're not going to prosecute small petty crimes and the petty crimes are like actual crimes. Cars getting stolen, burglary. So real crimes, property crime is a real crime. But when people start publicizing that they're not going to do anything about that, I'm like, what does this do other than terrorize the public? What are we doing here other than terrorizing the public? And I think that what purpose does that serve? Other than terror, keeping you terrified. So I think that we have to just, you know, it's a fucking hard because you got to, you know, it's like a gymnastics. You got to stick

to landing, you don't fall either way, you know, not that I'm a gymnast, but you know, when I used to watch the summer Olympics, stick to landing, you got to stick to landing here in terms of like, you can't be like the virus is fake. You also can't be like, Hey, just let me know. I'm just going to make waffles in my PJs and not fucking grasp what is happening, which is the shutdown of the largest economy in the world. And like a pandemic, you know, like you have to understand what is happening here. You have to, you have to kind of process that and you got to compartmentalize it because you can't go out and do the wrong thing and violate these orders and be unethical, put other people at risk. And at the same time, you can't forget that there is an outside and

there is a job you have to return to and that everybody has to return to and you're not going to eradicate every case of coronavirus before that happens. Doesn't mean we're all going to be, you know, fucking in churches in Easter, you know, but at the end of the day, you got to, you got to say to yourself, Hey, you know, this eventually ends, this eventually comes to a close and then we look back at it, we saw how unprepared we were and we try to figure out a way to be more prepared, you know, but I mean, this could easily turn into a situation where this lockdown becomes, you know, a problem, a big problem, more of a problem than the pandemic and the government uses this to take the few remaining rights away that you have.

And I don't, you know, I don't like that. That's why the UBI idea, I was like, it's a great idea if I trusted the government. But since I don't, the idea that you could just give people universal basic income and just say, sit in your house, stay in your house. Here's your money. You don't go earn money. Here's your money. It's scary. It's scary. The idea that government could just pay you to sit there. You know, I mean, there's something about that that should trouble you because now the only way you eat is the government. You know, my friend said the other day, like he's trying to apply for unemployment, young guy, and he goes, you know, unemployment, man, the system's crashing and they won't answer my calls. I'm like, yeah, welcome, welcome to,

welcome to what it's going to be. Welcome to what it's going to be when you don't, and he's frantic. He's like, I got to get through. I got to get this money. I was like, welcome to what it's going to be when you can't earn a living when the one thing that it's been taken from you. And now you are dependent on, you know, the government to earn living. I'm not saying the government can't do certain things. I'm not saying they can't, you know, provide a level of healthcare to people, basic healthcare so that people aren't going bankrupt every other day. But I, I don't want, and I have no business. This is why I'm not a Marxist. And I don't, a lot of the, you know, some of the Sanders platform I agreed with, but a lot of his fans are out of control. I don't want

the government providing me every need in my life. I don't want that. Then they get to decide what my needs are. I don't want that. I don't want that because that is how you slip into, you know, whether it's fascist or communist, there's not too much of a fucking difference. Truly. I mean, I know people who ripped me up for that, but it's true in terms of authoritarian structures. It's what they are. I don't want, I want the ability to earn a living. I want the ability to choose where I live. I want the ability to choose who I go into business with. I want to choose the industry that I work in. I want to choose how much money I save. I want to choose all these things. And if I'm unable to do that, and I'm prevented from doing that, I am, now I've

become some type of slave or bot, whatever you want to say. Maybe that's the updated version of that, whatever it is. I don't have any power. And I have no interest in that. And that is a totalitarian society. And you see it and see it in China. You see it in a lot of places. You see it in North Korea. And if you think it cannot happen here, you're insane. It'll be a different kind of totalitarianism. It'll be soft. It'll come with the Kardashians, you know, it'll come with new, there'll be new TV shows everywhere. And here's Jimmy Fallon and have you met Jimmy's wife. And it's, it'll be a soft totalitarianism. It won't be hard. It won't be the cane. In Singapore, it'll be a soft totalitarianism where you're just fed garbage on television.

You're fed garbage. You, you know, you consume garbage, whether you're eating it or listening to it or watching it. And you don't have any power. And you don't have the ability to go out. They've already broken like the labor movement. If you're a worker in this country, you have very little power. You just don't have that little, you don't really have power. If you're any type of independent journalist, you have very little power. You have almost no, other than utilizing the internet, but you have no mainstream power. You can't get your articles, no matter how well researched they are and well sourced, you can't get them in front of people. You know, you can, you can go indie and put them online and things like that, but you're boxed out of the mainstream.

There's four or five companies that disseminate all the fucking information. They own all the channels. They own all the radio stations. It's fucking four or five conglomerates and they just strangle that industry. So if you're an independent journalist, you just don't really have, you don't have the opportunity. You just don't, you know, you, you've been boxed out. The big money and the, the consolidation of those major companies, those conglomerates has eliminated your ability to really, truly break through. You know, people say it about YouTube, about everything. It's harder now to amass a following. It's harder to make money because the conglomerates, the cartels, the groups of people have come in and they've carved up a lot of these things for

themselves. Google, Facebook, you know, there's five companies. If you want to do anything online, you got to be, you know, Google, Facebook, Amazon, YouTube. There's, there's, there's a few platforms that you have to be in business with. There is no other way, you know? So the type of fascism that will arrive in America, it's not going to be like the boot to the face fascism. It'll be like, yeah, checkpoints. Yeah, you just can't go here. This is, you got to get approved to fly somewhere and it could be done all under the guise of public health. Could be done. Yeah, where you going on a vacate? Well, we'll tell you. We'll let you know. We'll let you know if you're approved to go on that trip. We'll let you know if you're approved to drive down this street.

We'll let you know if you're approved to, to live in this community because we have decided what car you can buy because we've decided this is bad for the environment. You can, you can buy this car. We're still going to have the other car. We're going to have the guns and the big cars and everything, but you're not. And, and we're going to still have the houses with the gates behind them, but you know, we'll decide where you live. We'll decide what industries you can be in. We'll regulate you out of them. We'll tax you out of them. We'll prevent you from getting into them. We'll, we'll just, we'll cut you off. We'll cut you off the knees. So the idea that all of this cannot be turned on you and, and truly used to. So, and,

that doesn't mean that you run out tomorrow and you cough down your grandmother's throat and you, it doesn't mean that. It means that you pay the fa, pay attention. Be vigilant. Don't, don't be stupid. Don't be making TikTok videos in your underwear. Understand what's fucking happening to this country. It could go bad quick. It could get bad quick. Your leaders, okay, are in a precarious position and who knows what the fuck they'll do. God only knows what these people do if they're backs of the wall. You got to realize there's a lot of people that aren't a fan of what has been happening, whether it's Epstein, whether it's some type of awakening. There's a lot of people that have a lot of money in the old structures in the old system and they

don't like that you can get on the internet, which is slowing down by the way. I love reading those articles. The internet's slowing down. Everyone's on it. Getting real slow. Maybe you can't use it on Tuesday. Maybe your day will be Wednesday. I mean, think all of these things aren't pot. They're all possible. Trust me. And there's a lot of people out there that don't love how the internet's been used to unmask a lot of what they've been up to. They're not fans of that. So if they could, if they could eliminate that, they would. Now they can't yet, but watch them. I mean, watch these people like a hawk, to be honest with you. And I mean, that doesn't mean that this isn't a real disease and it isn't a crisis and this social distancing

isn't justified because, you know, after 9-11, a lot of the things were very that they implemented made a lot of sense in that moment. They made so much sense in that fever pitch of rhetoric when we were all terrified and we're like, what the fuck? And then they passed all of these things. Oh, we're going to read your email and we'll read your email and listen to your phone and, you know, track you everywhere and imprison you if we want to and the torture you for information. And we don't have to charge you with anything. And well, suspend habeas corpus and you're not going to be read your rights and we're not going to officially bring you. And if we want, we could just put you in a military tribunal show court and you don't get any type of

democratic, you know, you don't get any type of trial and there's no democratic process. Well, you know, we just, just everything the country's based on, we're going to take away. We're going to take that away now. Everything that the country's been based on, we're going to, we're going to get rid of that. We were, we weren't right about that. We were wrong about that. Sorry. Our bad. My bad. So just don't forget that that could happen here. And, you know, this is a weird thing because this is invisible enemy that we're going to be fighting, you know, wouldn't it be funny if like terrorism, you know, after, after a while of like, we just can't, we don't care anymore. Like 9 11, like when people start talking about terrorists and

mussels, we don't even care. We don't stop, like stop. It's 20 years ago. Nothing's happened since. See, you can't get us. Well, I said, no, you don't care. Wouldn't it be funny if in years just still, you know, talking about this, you're like, what about Corona virus? And I was like, you shut the fuck up. We know you fucking, we know we don't have Corona virus again enough. You know, is that what the government's going to be able to, all they had to do was mention an Arab guy's name and the whole country was like, you know, turned in a little hitlers. How you standing? Like, it's all they're going to have to do now. Just be like this. You're just going to have to go, uh, hey, everybody. And you go, fuck. Fuck. He's right. Go inside. Go inside.

Take cover. It's Corona. I, uh, I had a, I had a, just before I go, I had a, uh, it's very interesting, man. You don't know, you really don't know what, where, where, where life is going to end up. Life is surreal. It's fucking insane. I mean, there's, there's, I mean, I, you know, there's nothing, me and Ben, we're doing this show before the pandemic. We were doing a show in a bunker before there was a bunker. It's crazy. And we were doing a, you know, we were figuring out how to exist online before we had to. And we're grateful. I'm grateful for that. And for Ben was a huge part of that. Um, but I will say it's not a, it's not an existing online primarily is not a nice place to be.

The sunshine is nice. People are nice. Going out and performing live is nice. Being outside and, and, and meeting people is nice. And this, you know, we're going to be here for you. We're going to be here every week, multiple times a week, but I'm just saying, don't give up every right immediately. Think about this. Think about where we're going. Figure it out because I don't, I don't want to be in a digital world forever. You know, I don't want to be, it's the same, same, same thing anywhere. It's like a bunch of people just sat and watch TV during the nineties. It was great TV, but you know, people just sat in a couch potato. Oh, there's a couch potato just sits on his couch. I'm telling you, man, it's not a nice

place to be. Twitter is not a good place to live, man. Instagram is not a good place to live. Your soul interactions can't be Twitter fights and just people dancing on Tik Tok or some drunk they find in a, you know, Waffle House parking lot, ranting about something. You can't, it can't be the only thing. You gotta, you gotta get some air. Ben made a great point. He goes, what the fuck's Instagram? I'm going to be, if nobody can go outside, right? What are they going to do? People post pictures that were asshole every day. What are you going to do? There's nothing to do. So my thing here is just, it isn't a healthy place to live your phone. Everyone is living in their phone now. It is not a healthy place to live. It's almost like the synchronicities. They're

trying to bring it about quicker. They're like, let's just lock them in their homes, give them their phones and see what happens. Let's see if when we let them out, if they want to be let out, or they're just going to be shaking in the corner with their phone because that's their only life, that's their only life source, you know? That's what I worry about. This is going to take a toll on people psychologically. It's going to be traumatic, you know? Timdilloncomedy.com who cares, there's nothing there. Go and buy merch if you want. Get a shirt. TimdillonDILON on Instagram and Twitter, the two things I just told you not to go to. Go and follow me. The rules are the rules. I am looking for volunteer opportunities. If you're a first responder and you're low on money,

DM me, I'll help you. If you're legit, if you're a legit first responder, like, and you're fucked, you know, I don't have a ton of money. But if you're totally fucked, you're a first responder for whatever, and you shouldn't be fucked. You should have money if you're a first responder. But, you know, we are going to find some ways and I think we're going to order food for a hospital. That's coming up soon, which is cool. So I do want to do something. You feel powerless, not doing anything, but they need masks and ventilators. And what the fuck do I know? You know? So, you know, I just want the opportunity to kind of be photographed helping people. It's so important that I'm able to help people, you know, in public,

in a verifiable way. That's very public. I'm able to go, hey, I want at the end of this, I want, I want to walk in the cedars, and I want everyone to start clapping and crying. And I want them to go, you're the hero. I go, no, no, you're the hero. And then they hand me, like maybe a gold stethoscope or something. That's kind of nice, you know, like a plaque. And they say, thank you. And the mayor of Los Angeles gives me a key to the city. You know? You know? And then they look at me and they go, can we tell you something? You promise to keep it secret? And I go, yeah. And they go, the whole virus was fake. I'm like, you fucking guys!