The Tim Dillon Show - 194: 194 - We're Going Home

Episode Date: April 5, 2020

Tim Dillon with the full hour to breakdown what an "artist's" life will become, insane zoom office calls, what he will do at JFL this year, and why we need to stop with the "isms". Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. https://www.manscaped.com/ use promo TIM Follow the show: Tim J Dil Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. I am Tim Dillon, week three of quarantine, I believe, right? Week three. We're in week three of quarantine in the United States of America. Most states now have stay-at-home orders, um, non-essential business closed in most of the country. There's never been a time when every piece of news has been equally horrifying. There's never been a time when every article, every click, everything that you see is as

nightmarish as every other thing that you see. It is a wave. It's like if you've ever been to a beach and you get knocked down by a wave and you keep trying to get up and you keep getting knocked down and then you're just laying there in the surf, that's what this is. I mean, this is an amazing period of time. I mean, and the media makes it worse. I mean, it's bad.

It's undeniably bad. In fact, it's so bad, the only joy you have is calling people and telling them that they don't know how bad it really is. That's the only bright part of your day is calling someone in the morning and letting them know that they don't even know how fuck they are. You get those calls every day. We all compete to deliver the bad news. We're all like Paul Revere, except we're not riding through the night on a horse.

We're sitting on our couch watching Netflix, and then every morning we pick up our phone and call somebody and you go, oh boy, you got to see, listen, this quarantine's not ending. There's going to be chips in our arm. It's, you know, we're not going back to work anytime soon. Kids aren't going to school in the fall. College is getting pushed back. You're never going to eat out in a restaurant again.

Everybody you know is dead. You were dying. You only have one lung working right now. You're like, I feel kind of good. Shut up. You don't know how fucked you are. That's the only bit of joy we have. You get giddy.

You get giddy. You get giddy. And I like to call people, because most people I know now have resigned themselves to the fate that this is going to be a long, hard slog, as Donald Rumsfeld would say. But every now and then you'll catch somebody with a little hope, with a little hope, with a little like spark of hope, and you get excited because you know you're about to crush it. Because you know you're about to extinguish their tiny amount of hope. They go, yeah, man.

They go, you know, I'll probably start opening up in the summer and you go, ho, ho, ho, ho, you ignorant piece of shit. You know nothing. Have you not read anything? 30% unemployment, massive bank failures, a rise in homelessness. The pandemic will never end. They go, yeah, yeah, I guess what's going to change between now and July? Tell me.

I don't know. Nothing. I guess, yeah. You hear them sink, sink a little bit lower, and then you go, all right, talk soon. The only joy you have now is bringing people down. And then sometimes it's fun to lift them up a little, because you got to lift them back up to crush them again. So I call people every other day and do good cop, bad cop.

So yesterday I called everybody, told them quarantine was going to August, they're pushing school back in September, comedy clubs will never reopen. They all had to get new jobs, and that, you know, we're going to see millions of deaths. And today I called them with good news, you know? I cherry picked some, you know, some, you know, positive news, you know, which there's very little love, by the way. So it's a real, and then I lifted them up a little bit. And I like to confuse them.

They don't know, they don't know where I'm coming from. They don't know where I'm going with it, because sometimes I like to give, because sometimes I'll be real down, and then they'll be real down, but then I want to go motivational. And then I go, but here's what you got to realize. But my motivational is different than other, because this is what I was doing today. I was telling people, I was going, listen, we're going to be okay, and I'll tell you why. And they go, why?

They're in New York. I mean, they're shut in. New York is America's Italy right now. They're singing in the streets. I mean, it's wild. You know what I mean? And as a New Yorker, as a guy that grew up in New York, it's fucking wild to watch, you know, from LA, you know, you know, not there.

I'm not there. And, you know, like my friend was like, she's like, everyone there is such, you know, LA is such a narcissist. She's like, I'm glad I'm in New York. I'd rather experience this with New Yorkers. And I'm like, well, good for you. She goes, that's where we differ. I said, indeed, absolutely.

I'm glad we've identified that divergence of opinion. But I was saying today, I said, the American economy is going to get back on track because Americans don't put any value on human life, their own or others. And that is a good thing. It is a good thing that we are a deeply suicidal country with a death wish. It is a good thing that we arm ourselves to the teeth and sit in our little survival bunkers waiting to be allowed out so we can go walk our fat asses onto a cruise like nothing ever happened.

It's going to happen again. Those boats will be full. People are going to be back in the Applebee's putting quesadillas in their ass because that's what we're about. They're going to be back to friendly fire incidents in their home. Their four-year-old's going to find the gun they bought for the pandemic and he's going to blow their brains out with it. Don't worry about it.

Thank God. Thank God we have a country of people who truly don't care what happens next because that's the only thing that's going to save us. Europe is fucked. They're going to sit at home and ponder. We're going to go right the fuck out as soon as we can get drunk and crash our cars. Don't worry. Tow trucks will be working.

You're going to be working. Geico's back in business. As soon as we can get back in our cars and hit someone, we're going to do it. As soon as we are allowed out, we're going to cause some problems. We're going to cause some bodily harm and that's what we're about. That's the only reason I am hopeful. I don't trust the government. I don't trust the private sector.

The only thing we have left is science truly. The only way out of this is a vaccine or an antiviral drug. Maybe this chloroquine helps that they're giving to people alongside erythromycin, which is the drug from a Z-PAC you take for bronchitis. Maybe that gets approved as an official treatment. It did in France. Maybe that helps. Maybe there's another antiviral.

That is it. The public policy solutions here are not going to please anybody. There are no good solutions. There are waves of this pandemic. There's waves of the virus. You let people back out. The numbers will spike. The numbers spike.

The hospitals suffer. You don't let people back out. The economy crumbles. You know? It's not. There's no way out. As Thomas Sowell said, no solutions, only trade-offs here. And no good trade-offs either.

I mean, it's just you got to decide at one point what is the more destructive path. But you're worrying, you know, you're waiting for science. You're waiting for a guy in a lab coat that's a hell of a lot smarter than me or anyone I know who's fucking feverishly working on a vaccine for this. Because God help you if you think Donald Trump or Joe Biden is going to figure a way to put the world back together. It's not going to happen in the short term or the long term. Your best hope is science.

And science takes a while. That's why everybody's freaked the fuck out. The average length of time that it takes to get a vaccine going is 15 to 18 months. That's not terribly encouraging. That's what most experts are saying. And until we get that, most articles that are dribbling at now are preparing people for a longer haul than they originally were. They're saying that life is not going to go back to normal until we have the ability to

prevent people from being hospitalized. So that could be done with a vaccine or that could be done with an antiviral that somehow prevents hospitalization so that it becomes what people said it was a bad flu. For those 20% of people that would have been hospitalized, it becomes what it is for those 80% of people, a bad flu. And again, this is all as of Friday, April 2nd, 3rd. It's the 3rd. Yeah.

Friday, April 3rd. We could have an entirely new, that's what's great. You could wake up on April 4th and they could go, oh, by the way, remember how we told everyone to wear masks? Now everyone should wear hazmat suits if you leave your home. So please put on the hazmat suit before you go to the grocery store. And everybody's going to walk around looking like astronauts. Why the fuck do I have to wear a mask if I'm alone walking around an area that I'm too

poor to live in, which is what I do every day. I walk around Beverly Hills alone. I don't talk to anyone. Nobody talks to me. It's LA. Nobody spoke to each other pre-pandemic. We leave each other alone. Why?

I'm not six feet from anyone. Why do I have to wear a mask? Is the virus just sitting around in the air? Stop. If it was truly airborne, everyone would have it. Stop it. I get it if you're going to go to a grocery store, if you're going to have an interaction with somebody.

But I'm certainly not wearing a fucking mask to walk down the street if I'm not near anybody. I understand in New York, everybody's next to you. I get it, you know? I'm just asking the media to give us a minute, give us a minute, not every story. But the media is now like, the stories are like, transgender surgeries are being put off because of the, it's like, okay, can you give us a minute here? Abortions are not being provided. That is sad.

But can you give us a minute with it? Do you have to unearth every negative thing that's happening now? Don't we have enough? Every human interest story, and I get that these are stories that need to be told. Do we have to tell them all at once? Do we have to tell them all at once? At least we waited until the towers fell in 9-11 before we started printing up the stories of the dead.

Deborah was a mother of six. Her lung collapsed. It's like, oh my God, it's bad. I know. If the people are still playing frisbee, shoot them. If they're not taking it seriously, shoot them, I guess. I don't know, but just stop writing these stories. You're trying to guilt people to stay in, but they're not going to do it.

The NYPD, the LAPD, they shoot people for a lot less than this. I'm not saying if you're jogging or walking, but if you're in a park with a lot of people, I don't know. Shoot them. You don't have to kill them. Rubber bullets, gas them. Tear gas. What do we find, I mean, I don't know.

I mean, you know, there's no good options is what I'm saying here. You know, I don't want a tyrannical government, but I'm just saying, if I saw a bunch of fucking TikTok kids in LA getting tear gassed, I might smile a little bit. I mean, you know, what are we waiting for? Everybody send me these conspiracy things about agenda 401 or the Bill Gates thing and whatever. It's like, guys, if they did it, if they released the virus, then it's like, if they're willing to do that, I mean, do you even want to know at that point, just buy some heroin and get

ready to meet what's on the other end of this? I mean, guys, at a certain point, what is uncovering the truth even fucking do for you? I don't personally believe they did this because I think they would rather us making money in our shit jobs and sitting in the house while the world economy collapses. But if they did, and this is some way to wipe the slate clean and they're willing to do this, well, then what the fuck, I mean, at a certain point, you've got to fucking roll over, I guess. I don't know.

I mean, I don't know what to tell you. If Bill Gates released this virus, I mean, what are you going to do? You know, we're going to do a tweet about it. I mean, you know, at that point, do you have a militia? You ready to go? We've got a few guns in the back. You shoot at your tree in Georgia? I mean, I don't know.

If these people really did that, then I tend to believe there was probably some accident. It's probably a Chinese bio weapon. It probably leaked out of that lab in Wuhan. I don't know how it did. Maybe they still were selling bats. Maybe they're selling animals that they experimented on. That seems the most probable thing. Is it weird that it happened during the Hong Kong protests?

Yes. But I also think that, you know, potentially, you know, China didn't have any problems shooting tear gas at those protesters. China didn't have any issue doing that. So I mean, is it, is it impossible to say that they released it to get rid of the, no, but I don't know that they did. You know, it could have happened, you know, and again, to China release this to just say, fuck it.

Let's see what happens. I don't know. I don't know. You don't know. But what, so as Ray Kump said, I was talking to him today, it's like, so what's the plan? Go to the beach. Like, what are we all supposed to do? In fact, everybody that we know, is that the move?

Even if we know it's a bio weapon, is the move to just go out and it'll all get sick and that a lot of people die? That doesn't seem logical. Well, it's a bio weapon from China. So what? You still have to protect yourself, your family, to a degree, you have to be ethical, you know? I have a friend that was going to fly to New York to visit his girlfriend. I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind?

Dude, what are you doing? This is the stand, the Stephen King miniseries on TV that my father allowed me to watch because he allowed me to watch most things in the nineties. That was his style of parenting. He said, if you want to watch it, you can watch it. The movie Seven? Sure. Not a problem.

Whatever you want to watch, you want to watch Deadman Walking, you want to see Sean Penn get lethal injection? What are you, Seven? You'll enjoy this. Come on. It's playing up the block. I don't want to pay for a babysitter. I want to go watch Casino.

You ever seen someone get buried alive? You're about to. Handle it. Handle it like a man. That's a great thing about boomers who had one kid, the only kid houses. We would go out with our parents to dinner with their friends, you know, and their friends would talk about things that were inappropriate for us to hear. But it is what it is.

If you have two kids or three kids, you get a babysitter or maybe the older kid will watch the younger kids. In my house, it was like, my son's coming. Don't censor yourself. My son's coming. Talk freely about wanting to kill your wife. Talk freely about it. My son's there.

He's nine. He'll think it's hilarious. And I did. Talk freely about it. Get hammered in front of him. Talk about it. Talk about the drugs you do. He won't mind.

He'll be doing them soon. He'll be doing them within two or three years. Get him ready. Let him know. Let him know you were coked out of your mind the other night and you thought about pushing your wife out of the attic window. That's something a guy really said. I was sitting there.

I was like 11. I look at my wife sometimes. I go, I want to just push her out of the attic window. He goes, who would know? The whole table of guys just red wine laughing. It's great. We're great memories. I appreciate the way I grew up.

That was a great style of parenting. It's getting real now on Long Island even for people that didn't really grasp because in the beginning, the outlook on this on Long Island was, will you shut the fuck up? That's how it was handled. Shut up. People had to sit down with their parents and go, you can't golf. You can't go golfing. You can't have, you know, you can't go to Maria's baby shower.

You can't. And they would have to explain it and they'd go, so what? Nobody's sick, you know? And now it's those, see those, those, those statuses, they're getting, they get, those people are going quiet now. They go, because some of them are dead, but they're going, they're getting a little quiet like the it's just a flu status. So that's why I never make these stupid predict, like I never go out there and I don't take

these hard stances when I don't know something because I've learned that you could, you only have to walk it back. So if I'd come out and was like, it's just a flu, it's all fake, the fuck it, I mean, we drove by Cedars sign it one night, there weren't a lot of people there. It would have been easy for me to come on and be like, yeah, we fucking drove by Cedars. There was no one there, this thing's fake. And then now I would have to be like, well, looking at numbers and, you know, it's gotta walk it back.

So, you know, people are going to get real quiet, you know, they're getting a little quiet because in the beginning it was, this was, you remember that this was a liberal, this was liberal hysteria to wreck the economy so Trump would get voted out of office. This was what I heard from my people on Long Island. And this was hysteria. Somebody I knew wrote, they're closing the country down because of sniffles. And Long Island loves World War II memes, they'll be like, this is the greatest generation. And then they'll show like somebody blowing your nose and be like, this generation closed

the country down for sniffles. And the funny thing about that is the people that shared those memes were never in the military. They'd never served in the military, okay? And they love World War II, although they probably did nothing for their grandparents that served in World War II other than rob them. The only thing they did for the greatest generation was take money off their mantle, okay? So but they love those World War II memes that are like, this Joe, we're pussies now.

The damn pussies, this flu, sniffles. There's still, and now there's still people doing that by the way, there's still people that are going, you know, there's still people with the mortality rate and the death toll and that's all going to stop because it's coming and most people, there will be some people that don't care. There will be people on ventilators right before they go out, you know, you know, before they were in a coma, there'll be people going, so what? This is not.

It's just, Trump 2020 will be the last thing certain people say on Long Island, Trump 2020. That'll be it because they'd rather just, you know, drowned in their own lungs than unravel their worldview, you know? I mean, listen, man, God bless them. Let them know. That's what it is. If you have a significant other right now, you might be having more sex than usual.

You might not be. It really depends. I don't know. I think I know a lot of people that are growing to hate each other more and more every day and what a blessing that is. By the way, how is anyone like, I haven't had an office job in years. How is anyone even like being productive on these Zoom meetings? How is anyone not going, we're all going to die?

How in God's name is that not happening? Like they're having these Zoom meetings for work and you're all supposed to act like everything's normal? I mean, what's that about? You're going over marketing numbers on a Zoom meeting right now and you're sitting there in your underwear and you got to like, aren't people like, you're not going to fucking, you're not going to just be like, hey, I'm going to go through this report in a minute, guys, what do you think this is?

You think we make it out? You think there's a society on the other end of this? I don't know how to farm. I mean, fuck man. My wife caught the other day. I thought about not letting her in my house. I love her, but I, you know, I got to think about myself. I'm in survival mode.

Man, I don't know how I'm going to provide for my kids. Fuck. All right. Well, anyway, the new product guidelines that I received seem to be pretty positive. The client enjoys the package. You know, I mean, how do you just, it's like doom every day and then you just got to get on a Zoom meeting and pretend that everything's okay and you're just sitting there. You just came all over yourself.

You just masturbated for 30 minutes and I mean, you really got into it and now it's a Zoom meeting and you got to sit there covered and come and like look at everyone that you used to work with and they're all covered in their own come. I mean, manscaped.com, 20% off, free shipping. It's all good. Goodbye. That's a lot of what I find amazing about this time is this new technology. It's not new, but everybody's using it now.

It's like Zoom where you don't have to go into your office and you just sit around in your own filth and then try to be professional and there's people doing Zoom comedy shows because they're insane. By the way, everyone doing that, you're probably going to have to get a day job soon and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but people that have relied on stand-up comedy as their only source of income potentially, I'm not saying definitively. Nobody, I take no joy in this. I think a lot of them may not be prepared for what's coming and I don't know if what's

coming is going to be an environment conducive to earning a living at stand-up. It might be, I hope it is, but all signs on all systems are flashing red. I know you think that in two months you're going to be back up in Adam and that's why you're keeping sharp on the Zoom comedy show, but I think it's time to get call mom and dad and apologize. Stop ridiculing your religious family and start learning hymns. You're going home. You're going to start singing in the pews, my our God is an awesome God.

That's right, you're going to marry your high school sweetheart and dedicate your life to the Lord. You're going home to that small town. You're going to community college, you're going to be a waitress at a local diner and you're going to get fucked good by the town bad boy in his leather jacket. It's pleather probably, but whatever, he's going to fuck you good and you're going to remember what old small town cock tastes like and he ain't smart and he hasn't read Marx's capitol.

No, he's going to fuck you good in the basement of his house that's owned by his alcoholic mother who's very happy to see you because she thinks you're going to save her son's life. Hello, you were living in New York. Oh, it's glad to see you're hanging out with Cliff. Cliff could use a girl like you. He's had a rough couple of years, but he's a good boy, mama loves Cliff and you're going to go and you're going to suck his balls and you're going to lick his taint and you're

not going to eat his ass, but you should because you're not going anywhere, settle in, start becoming friends with your high school. The girl who used to torment you, who was a cheerleader, now she's a fat mother of three and now you see her as a person and you don't mind how much he tortured you. You don't mind that because you see how much she's suffering now and there's some shouting Freud in it for you and you too become friends and when Denny's opens back up, you sit there and you wedge yourself in a booth and you scraped the bottom of a bowl of queso and you eat pancakes and fried shrimp and food that doesn't even go together because you're

back home for good and you've dedicated your life to Christ now and you're going to community college and you're working as a receptionist at a construction company that's failing and your boss and you do coke together and he hasn't tried to fuck you but you've already resigned yourself to the fact that if he tries you're going to ride him good because you don't have shit left, it's all over for you. Six months ago you were prancing around Brooklyn telling everybody you were non-binary and you hated your parents. Now you're back home fucking men and praying to Jesus.

You're back home eating big fluffy omelettes stuffed with cheddar cheese and grits. No more tuna tartare, no more vegan fucking soup. It's all over and all ended quickly but you realize in that that this life is actually more real than anything you experienced in New York or San Francisco or Chicago. This life was a life you were always meant to live and you go into that local bar and they know who you are. They say hey baby, how are you? And you go to the bartender Erica because she's a friend of yours and she's got a few

bumps of coke for you and you take a few shots and you feel like a winner. You sit on that bar stool and you light a cigarette and you feel like a winner for an hour and then you walk back out into the cold night terrors because you have no more money and no more blow and you go home and you toss and turn and your bed is you sweat and you come down from the devil's powder and you think about Cliff, the town dirtbag who puts his cock in you. You think about your fat arch nemesis who's now your only friend, you think about your shit construction job and you thought to yourself if you had any sense you'd get back in your

car and drive it right into the ocean but Denny's ain't bad. Those pancakes are fluffy and they'll be hot tomorrow morning when you slide them down your throat, when you slide them down your pig or throat because you're going home. And that's my message to the people out there that are confused about what the next steps of your life are. Many of you don't know but that's what it is, that's where it is, okay? You're not going to be, they just rescheduled it just for last comedy festival for October, probably won't happen.

This September, October, it's not happening, folks. And if it does happen, if somehow the pandemic recedes and it does happen just so I don't want to be wrong, I'll go up there as a suicide bomber and blow it up. So if I'm wrong and JFL happens, I will wait till the new faces showcase and I will walk on stage and pull the pin and blow it up and right before I do, I'll look at you right in your face and said, told you so, we're going home one way or the other, you're going home. You're either going to Syracuse, you're going to see Jesus because I'm not going to be wrong.

It's what it is, Benjamin, you know it's what it is. I only speak the truth here. I'm not here to, I'm not here to pad you. I'm not wearing a mask at Beverly Hills. I have a beautiful face. I have a European facial structure. I'm showing it off. It's the only part of my body that hasn't gone to total shit.

I'm not putting a mask over it. You can call the cops and drag me in. It's not happening. I mean, this pig wasn't wearing a mask. No, I was not, sir, because I live in the United States of America, which is still a free country. Although we can't work, fraternize, leave our homes, walk down the street, but you cannot compel me to wear a mask when I am not near anybody.

Ben, let's do the totals. It's time to do the totals. We do the totals. We try to do the totals. Coronavirus cases 1,099,622. That's 59,193. Recover 228,938. Don't know what that means.

Don't know what they mean by recovered. I guess they mean had it and then got better. USA, we've got 277,000 cases, 475, 277,475, OK? Deaths, we have 7,402. So that's where we're at. Let's look at the country map again. This is going to, sadly, really take a toll on the third world, and I think people in rural America are not prepared for the toll it's going to take on rural America, because

even though they're more spread out, they don't live on top of each other. In certain cases, they do, but those hospitals do not have the money or the resources to accommodate any type of outbreak. So that's going to be a real issue. But thank God we have Jared Kushner handling everything, because of his extensive experience in evicting people, he's now going to evict them from life. He's now going to show people how to evict them from the planet. You know, public health advocate Jared Kushner.

I feel good. By the way, even the die-hard Trump fans don't love globalist Jared or Ivanka or the fact that he gave his family jobs. Even if you're a Bannonite isolationist paleo con, you cannot like fucking cone in there from Goldman Sachs, and you can't like fucking. I tend to think if you vote for Trump again, I mean, you know, we just get what we deserve. If Trump wins again, it's like, listen, it is what it is. I will just laugh as I've done for the last, because I'm not going to drive myself crazy.

But if, I mean, Biden sucks, he's a bad candidate, I get it. But if you think that Donald Trump is handling this the right way, or you think that his demeanor and tone is appropriate, as nurses and doctors are dropping dead, if you think it's appropriate for the guy to go out and brag about the ratings of his press conferences, then I don't know that you, I don't know that you can be right. I didn't fall for Trump, but I didn't fall for Obama. I didn't fall for any of them. I didn't fall for any fucking person who told me he gave a fuck about me.

And if you're a child and you did, well, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for you if you're a fucking child and you fell for that, that somebody cared about you and just coincidentally that also coincided with them getting the most powerful position on earth. I think it's time to give somebody else a shot. I would give Bernie Sanders a shot. National healthcare seems like a real good idea in a world with a pandemic. We've got a pandemic.

It seems like, yes, I know the government is, is, is inefficient. I get that. I understand that. I don't think that system is going to be perfect. Our system, when you get a $30,000 bill for the ventilator that Buffalo Wild Wings built for you to use, that's not a good system either. So let's all fucking start to understand that like we're going to need to move in a direction of smart collectivism, not in the sense that, you know, it's not, it's like, we don't want

a Maoist country and the idiots that back Bernie that are always, you know, shit talking landlords or whatever. And like, you know, even though I do have a funny video coming out this week about landlords, but the people that think we're never going to be a Marxist country, it's just never going to happen. Cut that shit out. But the one fucking, I mean, man, I completely understand the idea that it is almost suicidal in a country that, that is susceptible to these types of pandemics to have hundreds,

you know, have 100 million people, 50 million people and more than that now, because we're all getting laid off without any type of coverage that aren't going to go to the doctor, that will never know if they're sick, that will be going out and spreading this disease that are not going to isolate, that are not going to know if they have it because they don't want to get a bill. Like don't you realize, stop with the isms, capitalism, socialism, it's just, stop with the, we're not in the classroom. Okay, this is the reality.

Keep talking about capitalism. You're going to get a bat to the head. You're going to get a knife to the throat pretty soon because people are going to go, I want your money and rich people used to understand shit like that. They used to understand like, well, we can't be too, we can't be put, you know, we can't just fucking dangle it in their faces all the time. We got to have some type of functional society. And if you think of functional society as somebody who was laid off from their job,

who goes to a hospital, who ends up on a fucking vent, is going to get in three months a $30,000 bill from that hospital with no fucking job and a $1,200 bill from the government. If you think that's a good fucking system, I hope you can fight and I hope you got a lot of weapons. And I know a lot of you fat pigs that listen to the show think you can fight and you think you do have a lot of weapons, but you're going to be too drunk to find them when the time comes. Let's be honest, okay?

I mean, this is the reality of the situation. All these tough guys, you know, all the tough guys on Facebook live with their mom. A lot of these guys, these like libertarian leaning like guys that are like, oh, I value my freedom. Well, you have the freedom to leave your mother's house. How about the freedom to fucking get out of your parents' house? Stop telling and have a little human compassion for a while. I'm sorry that whatever happened to you, that you don't care about any other human being

that fucking exists except yourself. I'm sorry that you can't care about another fucking human being, okay? I ran my favorite country, 53,000 deaths. Very sad. Many people know that I'm friends with a lot of the Mullahs in Iran. That's where I started comedy. No, I'm kidding. But a lot of people know my cat, and I don't really own him and he doesn't live with me,

but my cat, Oscar, lived in Iran for a few years and was a Mullah. He was one of the Iranian Mullahs. He was a cleric. Oscar was a radical Muslim cleric. Oscar's been in many extremist groups. He's been in Antifa. He's been in Proud Boys. He's been in neo-Nazis.

He's been in all of them. I mean, he's been in, you know, Golden Dawn. I mean, he's been in, you know, radical communists. He was an eco-terrorist for a while. He doesn't really care. He just wants it to burn down. He doesn't care where it comes from. But it's going to be tough, but it's a little enraging.

And I'm the furthest thing. Like, you know, all these articles that are coming out that are like, this crisis is a gendered crisis. Many of the health care workers are women. It's a gendered, I'm like, dude, that's not the move. And the move isn't on the right, because, you know, these guys are going to start putting out articles with, like, rich people in masks, and they're going to go, the virus has made us all one.

It showed us we're all vulnerable. It's flattened us. We're all the same. We bleed, too. And it's just going to be pictures of, you know, and it's like, no, we're not all the same. You're quarantining in a mansion. You have the money to pay for medical care.

There are people right now that are fucking worrying. They're through no fault of their own. They're worrying about getting thrown out on the street. And then if I say something about that, people are like, you're a fucking, you want liberal in Hollywood. Hollywood doesn't exist anymore, dummy. It's shut down. It's shut down.

And there's nothing liberal about not wanting people to be fucking on the street. Do you want to walk through a gang of violent, hungry people every day? Is that a good functional society? Even if you don't care about people and you only care about yourself, don't you think it's in your interest to not have a third of the country on the street begging for food? How high do you think these gates are? I know where all these rich communities are in LA.

You could climb that fence. You could climb the fence. The most elite communities in this country could climb a fucking fence. You're right in there. You're right in there. I mean, there's probably ones I don't know about. And they're going to trust me. They'll start building them.

They're going to start building ones we're a little tougher to get into. And they have their own water. You know, in Montana, they have properties with their own water aquifers and shit like that. But I take heat from people sometimes, from people who are like, you know, as soon as this crisis ends, I will go back to being against health care workers. I'm against them. I've always been against nurses. I've always been against nurses and I've never liked doctors.

And it's very hard for me now to have to like them. But I do and I get them lunch when I can because it's a good thing to fucking do because that's all we can do. We can do nothing else. But I can order delivery. That is one of my skills. I can or I could call an Italian restaurant in Jersey and have them drop off food at a hospital. And you can fucking too.

OK, so while you're waiting for the storm, while you're waiting for a 500,000 rich pedophiles to be picked up by the military during the period of the Internet being taken down. While you're waiting for that, if you have a little money, go order some penne alla vodka for the local nurses that are going to drain your lungs of fluid. If they have to, OK, because QAnon, whoever that is, is probably not going to be able to hook you up to ventilator. And and I have said I will apologize if QAnon is correct. Nothing would make me happier than seeing rich pedophiles arrested, especially some of them.

That the people that you guys say are pedophiles, if they all ended up being pedophiles and get arrested, I would laugh my ass off and I would be like, hey, I'd wear a QAnon shirt. I'd be like, this is it now. You guys were right. Hey, I was wrong. I would tell everyone that's all we would say for the rest of our lives, by the way, if QAnon's right, all any of us would say for the rest of our lives is you're not going to believe it. I thought they were bullshit.

And and it turned out that fucking Tom Hanks fucking guy, I had no idea. And so they shut the Internet down and they brought over these hospital ships to New York. And we thought they were going to be to, you know, to help people that were affected by this pandemic, but they were like filled with fucking Hollywood celebrities that were arrested. I mean, wow, my favorite thing in the tweet is that they say during the three days, they're the TV is going to come on and they're going to explain to everyone that the world is run by a satanic pedophile cult. That's my favorite thing only because I want to know how they're going to get into it.

Like what newscaster do they choose to break that news to the public? What newscaster do they choose to like to be like? Hello, everyone, welcome to the program today. As you can imagine, we have some special breaking news. You may have noticed that the Internet has been shut down and you can't use the phone except to call 911 and you may be asking yourself, why is it some type of outage? Correct. It's actually a forced outage because, well, let's, I'll just rip the band-aid off. The world is run by a satanic pedophile cult.

Tom Hanks is in it and we had to fake a pandemic to arrest Tom Hanks. Now I know some of you might have questions. Some of you might have a few. And this is not to say that there aren't pedophiles or that they're not very powerful or that some of them aren't satanic. I don't really care about the religion of the pedophiles, by the way. These people seem to leave out Catholic pedophiles. Why? I don't understand.

What about a Methodist pedophile? Are they not a problem? But I understand that. I've done interviews on my show with the foremost experts in this. None of them believe in this theory. Nick Bryant who wrote the Franklin scandal. None of them believe that Donald Trump is freeing just, none of them believe this. And these are the guys that wrote the books on the fucking things that you people half understand.

But if I'm telling you right now, if it happens, if it comes to fruition, and I, I get, I'm still in the camp that would, would rate that unlikely. But if it comes to fruition, I will apologize. And I will just say, hey, hey, I was off there, but if it doesn't, now I challenge you. If it doesn't happen, can we let it go now? Not, not stop trying to protect kids. Not trying to, not stop trying to fucking bring people to justice. But can we stop believing that this bullshit thing you think is going to happen is going to happen?

Can you grow up? Can you fucking grow up if it doesn't happen, if there's no internet outage and they don't? And I love that you dummies are like, there's 500,000 sealed indictments. Like they're going to need indictments if it's really that bad. And they're getting, they're taking a satanic pedophile cult that controls the world. They're taking them into custody. They're going to read them their rights. They're going to do indictments.

They're going to go buy the book. They're going to make it buy the book. If they're all living on Adrena Chrome and murdering kids, they're going to be like, oh, well, we don't treat terrorists like, like, we're going to treat them, we're going to treat them better than we treat terrorists. Like we're going to, we're going to, we're going to read them their rights. We throw Arab guys in Guantanamo Bay who've done nothing, but we're going to read Tom Hanks's rights.

We're going to hand them to make sure he's indicted properly and brought through the system. If he's been living off the Adrena Chrome harvested from scared children and sacrifices, you really think we need indictments at that point guys? Guys, this is what happens when you take a few nuggets of something that's undeniably true that the world is run by sick freaks. The world is run by some very sick people, not all of them, but a lot of them. They're into heinous shit. Some of it includes the abuse of children and the murder of children, 100%.

But if you think that all the, the justice is being delivered tomorrow for that, I think you're wrong. And I'm a conspiracy guy. Like I'm a guy that is very receptive to a lot of these ideas and things. Here's what you do. If, if, if, if super important, go to Drudge. There's a few funny articles. Henry Kissinger writes an article, pandemic alters world order, which is, you know, just wanted to, you know, it's like, uh, we need, you know, we need, and, and, you know,

there's an argument for this. I mean, Kissinger, of course, is a war criminal. So he said, you know, he's, you know, grandpa genocide, but he's like, we need more global cooperation to defeat these types of pandemics, you know, potentially, potentially. I also think it was probably not a good idea to have everything built in other countries because corporations didn't want to pay their workers. So now, you know, look at the percentage of medicine that's made in China. This is jarring. This is the amount.

This is the percentage of pharmaceuticals that are made in fucking China. Okay. Um, American pharmaceuticals made in China. Go to which medicines are made in China. I'm telling you, go to, go down. Here's what's made in China. Okay. Drugs for blood pressure medicine, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, epilepsy,

depression, so much shit. Dude, ibuprofen, go to ibuprofen. How much of that they make in China? Dude, so much of the over-the-counter medications and even serious medications that people need are made in China. And this is the problem when you outsource everything. If you have a war, if there's a supply chain breakdown, you cannot get the types of medications that you need.

Last month, the U.S.-China Economic and Security Review Commission held a hearing on the United States growing reliance on China's pharmaceutical products. 97% of all antibiotics in the U.S. came from China. 97% of all antibiotics come from China. Centralization of the global supply chain of medicines in a single country makes it vulnerable to interruption, whether by mistake or design. If we're dependent on China for thousands of ingredients and raw materials to make our medicine, China could use this dependence as a weapon against us at any time.

So even if you don't care about workers, you don't care about wages, you certainly care about your kids getting medication. You certainly care about 97% of all antibiotics. And there's other stuff too. So I mean, this is part of the reason that I think that it's kind of a fantasy to suggest. I do think you need global cooperation to defeat pandemics and threats of that nature. But I think it's this globalization, which is truly just this financial system that has primarily benefited wealthy people or benefited people in certain industries

and has decimated large swaths of the country and a lot of workers. That system is the system that allows a lot of essential products to be made in labor markets where the labor cost of producing those products is the lowest. And that becomes a problem. It becomes a big problem when you can't get those fucking products. So Henry Kissinger goes out there with an op-ed and he's like, well, we need, you know, we don't want to put up more walls and we don't want to, you know, but it's like, hey, buddy, so here, you know, so we go down here to my favorite

paragraph, go down a little bit. He goes, leaders are dealing with this crisis on a largely national basis, but the virus society dissolving effects do not recognize borders. While the assault on human health will hopefully be temporary, the political and economic upheaval it has unleashed could last for generations. No country, not even the U.S. can in a purely national effort overcome the virus. Addressing the necessities of the movement must ultimately be coupled with a global collaborative vision and program.

True, but some of the economic upheaval are going to be people going, we're living in a fucking system that doesn't work, Henry. We're living in a system that's not fucking working for anybody. Some of the economic upheaval is going to be people kind of waking the fuck up. And he's like, we need a global collaborative vision and program. How much do you want to bet that global collaborative vision doesn't include anybody that makes under, you know, $10 million a year? How many people are going to be collaborating that aren't millionaires?

Not, not many. I understand that you don't want to be in isolation as country. The Fox News people that just keep yelling China over and over again, you know, Trump is so good. He knew, he knew, because what the left should have done is when he said, it's the Chinese virus, the left could have said, hey, man, we don't care what you call it. We should have had tests. Why didn't we have tests? That's the, you know, that's, and that stops his, that doesn't give them,

but the left has to write all these op ads about like, stop calling it the China virus. And then so Trump and now they're, they're in a tit for tat about what you call the fuck, who cares? Why didn't we have tests? Why are you bragging about the ratings on a press com? But, you know, everybody just falls for it, man. And if you're old enough and you're smart enough, you simply realize that these political solutions are not going to work and you just hope to God for science.

You pray that somebody smarter than anybody that we know is going to figure a way out of this, because the people that, that, that we, that are tasked right now with solving this problem, they don't have a clue. I mean, Jared Kushner, he doesn't have a clue. I mean, it's just good luck, but keep doing what you're doing. Keep, keep getting through it. Keep calling people every day with bad news. It makes you feel a little better.

Keep calling them. Wake them up with it. Oh, sorry. Did I wake you? Oh, you gotta hear what I read. Gotta hear what I read. There's a study coming out of China right now that says rats that get coronavirus grow to six feet long.

They're eating dogs. They'll be here soon. Anyway, have a good day. How are you holding up? Everybody's calling you now. They're saying that. How are you holding up? How are you holding up?

As soon as they say that, ask for money. Go good. Can I get a, can I get a thou? Can I get a grand? I'm doing good. I love a thousand dollars. I love a thousand cash, please. I want to buy some masks.

You know, but I mean, you know, we had a lot of fun on the Patreon, not to plug the Patreon, but the Patreon episodes are really funny. Really good. You know, I mean, we do try to put work into them. We don't ask you to pay for something that sucks. We do try to put work in them. What we try to do with the Patreon episodes, they're audio only, but we drive around. We try to drive around and it's funny and I have a different, a little bit of a different

vibe, but I'm driving, I feel free. I used to love to drive. I used to love to blow a few lines of cocaine on my nose and drive. My dad's Mitsubishi galant until I smashed it into that front, into the car, with some, some grandmother, but she lived, she lived enough. So grandmother with the kids, I got her head on. I made a left turn from the right lane and ruined her day. Smacked my secretary's head on dash.

She lived. She's a big woman. But I used to love to drive the freedom, the freedom of driving with nowhere to go. Just driving through the wasteland of the culture, just driving through the pandemic, seeing the boarded up storefronts, seeing the people looking at you from their houses, wondering if you've come to take what they have and make it yours, looking at the suspicious people and the scared children and the pets that don't quite understand what's going on, looking at the shuttered bars and performance spaces, seeing the comedy store

with the very fucking spooky sign that doesn't have any names on the marquee. It just says stay healthy, something you'd find in an apocalyptic film in a deserted town when you were trying to figure out what the hell happened. We're living in a movie, folks. We're living in a movie and you're in the movie. You're in the movie. I don't know for how long. I don't know how long I'll be in the movie.

That's the fun about the movie. We don't know when and if this ends. We're all filled with uncertainty and we're concocting stories and ideas in our head to try to make it okay. We have to. We're pattern-seeking creatures. We want justice. Enter the QAnon people.

We want explanations for why this is happening. We haven't truly given ourselves to the randomness and cruelty of whatever this existence is. Maybe it is a simulation. Maybe it's not. Maybe we're just fungus on a rock and nothing means anything. And we're just here and the few moments you get listening to my show or having kids or whatever makes you happy. Those few moments make it all worthwhile because that's truly what it is.

You've got to resign yourself to that now. You have to prepare yourself to die, folks. I mean, that's really what it is. You have to prepare yourself for the end because nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. And you've got to think about how you want to live the rest of your days. You have to prepare now. Prepare for the end. And the way that you're going to prepare for the end is move back in with your religious parents

and start fucking Cliff, the town bad boy. Become friends with your arch nemesis from high school. She's a fat whore. And she's got stretch marks on her neck. And you become friends with her and you eat at Denny's with her late at night. And you start smoking cigarettes and doing coke. And you hang out in a local bar with a fat bartender named Erica. And you let your boss at the construction company pump you and cheat on his wife

as he shoves his half hard penis into your vagina. And you don't even wash it anymore because what does it matter? It all becomes one smell. Your vag and the dirty Denny's floor. It all becomes one smell. And it's not a bad smell and it's not a good smell. It just smells warm and rotten. But when you smell it, you realize what that smell is.

It's home. It's home. And we're all going home one way or another. See you next week.