The Tim Dillon Show - 195: 195 - Take Me To The Moon

Episode Date: April 12, 2020

Tim remembers the ultimate drink that would just take him to the moon... He talks Bill Gates, Chris Cuomo, and the whole gang. It's a conservative show this week, folks. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. https://omaxhealth.com/ use code TIM for 20% off sitewide Follow the show: Tim Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, it's Andrew Cuomo. And you're listening to this fool like Pasta Fajul, it's Chris Cuomo. And the garlic not tells you, you gotta stay inside and you listen. Did you see the video where Chris Cuomo telling you to beat coronavirus by breathing? Because Chris Cuomo had coronavirus and he's like, a guy called me because you're Chris Cuomo's a tough guy. I ain't gonna let the virus beat me. I'm a fucking garlic not. So Chris Cuomo seems like a pulmonologist called me and told me he's like, Chris, you got that corona? You gotta do it. You gotta get up. The virus wants you in your bed.

This guy's a tough guy. Couldn't handle the word Fredo. The virus wants you in your bed. You gotta get up and breathe deep. It's literally, can we play that? Chris Cuomo giving people advice on how to beat coronavirus by doing some weird chest yoga, which may help. I don't know. But I mean, I mean, maybe he's right. Maybe the pulmonologist is right. I just have a low opinion of the Cuomo family. He's like, you gotta breathe. You gotta get the virus wants you on your, here we go. This is it. Okay. So here's what I've learned. Here's the secret to kicking this virus. It's not a pill or a potion. It's about your will.

It's about your will. Devotion. The virus wants us to lay down. The virus wants you to lay down. Are you a finook? Other than the blessed few, the rest of us who get this are going to have an experience unlike anything else they've ever had. Days and waves. The old notion of getting bed and stay there when you get sick. It sounds great. And if you're really up against it, you need to do as little as possible. I love that this is all written. Why can't anyone like, I do it all the time. Why can't you just talk? Like, why can't he speak? Like, he's reading something that's written. Clearly.

Right. Why can't he just sit, talk? Because every speech is just prepared for him in public, right? I mean, does he even have coronavirus? Like, are we, are these people lying? Like, these celebrities that say they have it, do they really have it? Some of these people on their Instagrams are like, you know, man, it's been very hard for me. They do like this little cough. They're like, you're like, is this real? Did your agent call you and go, hey, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta come out that you got COVID-19.

There are agents calling people right now gone. Here's the best move for you right now. Cough. Cough a lot on Instagram live because you need, people need to follow your COVID-19 journey. So listen, I'm going to play some of this because maybe Chris Cuomo is right. Okay. What, you know, Bob Grant, who is a phenomenal conservative radio. This is going to be a conservative show everybody. We did a, we did a communist show last week. We're going to oscillate. We go fascist communists every other week, keep everybody happy. Okay. I don't know who's going to win, but what I will, whatever boot is on your neck is the one I support.

So a Bob Grant, whatever you think of his politics, sure, racist, whatever, but a great, you know, radio guy, old-time radio guy used to go, get off my phone and people would call him up. They'd be like, Bob, it's Tony from Seaside Heights. It was always Tony from Seaside Heights. A long time list of first-time call up Bob. What do you think about? And they would just be some bullshit. And he'd go, you know what, Tony, can you do me a favor? You fake phony fraud. That was his tag. And he got, that was his, you know, signature line. He'd go, you fake phony fraud, get off my phone. And he kick him off the phone. He used to call the Cuomo's father, Mario Cuomo. I think he called him son of Swachim.

Now, I don't know what that means. It's probably bad. But Bob Grant used to be like son of Swachim. RIP Bob Grant. Bob Grant got kicked off WABC radio because when Ron Brown, a Clinton associate, was killed in a plane crash, that's a shock. Someone near the Clintons killed. Bob Grant said something like, the only good news coming out of this would be if we find that Ron Brown is dead and you did die and Bob Grant was kicked off. He was kicked off ABC and then he went to W-O-R. And I used to make my grandmother listen to Bob Grant while she would drive me like to and from play practice and dance class. So that's how gay Republicans come to be. You go to dance class and you listen to Bob Grant All gay people, by the way, secretly Republican. That's true. All of them. Every single one of them.

I'm joking about that. Somebody, by the way, you want to talk about rotted brains. Someone on Instagram accused me. This is great. They go, in your latest sketch, you say to you of a wife and I'm like, this sketch is me playing a owner of a, like a developer who owns properties and I'm evicting people. And he goes, well, don't you think that saying a wife instead of husband is like a little fucked up? And I'm like, the point of the sketch is that I'm a demon from hell real estate developer evicting nurses from the building and kicking people to the street. And this is how identity politics rots people's heads. He's like, yeah, but you said, so I'm like, so your problem is that the demon real estate developer isn't get, you want him to be gay in the sketch

that's on Instagram. That's what you want. Let's, let's continue here with Chris Cuomo, who does not have coronavirus. I know, but you can't stay there. Now I'm wise to the beast and its ways. It changes. The fever is just softening by the way, he means, by the way, the beast is ways. He means Jews. That's what he means by that. And then they had to, you know what him and his brother say behind closed doors, you know, there's small minded sauce monkeys, you know, they are, you know what they say when they get a fucking ball of sauce on the table and they take a couple of hunks of bread and dip it into the pot of sauce, you know, they got a couple of choice words for who owns the media. Again, I'm imagining that's what they do. I have no proof of that. That's something I'm imagining Chris and his Neanderthal brother do because they're Neanderthals. You look at Andrew Cuomo's face. He's a Neanderthal.

He's a Neanderthal, Andrew Cuomo. Chris Cuomo is a little, you know, whatever. And your body hurts. So you don't want to move your body because what it wants to do is get in your lungs. That's what it wants to do. I feel it constricting my chest when I had that chest x-ray dead. I saw that infiltrate right away. Now, I also have something else I haven't told you. I have a low IGM level. I have a low IQ. In fact, it was embarrassing for my family to find out how low it was. I'm basically functionally retarded. That's why I have to read a script right now instead of just talking to you like a normal person about my experiences with coronavirus. I have to read a prepared statement because I'm genuinely on the border of mental retardation and I have a television show. I genuinely have a television show and cannot process information like other people. So I have to have a prepared statement about my sickness.

Bons antibody. I've always had a low level. Okay. It's not something recent. It could be genetic. It could be cultural. I don't know. But it makes me susceptible to things like bronchitis and crap like that. So there I was on Friday night. Okay. I was not going to do the show tonight. I was done. I was in a pool of sweat. 12 hours later, I was in the same damn place. I hadn't slept a minute. I was just soaked and scared. Honest to God. So then I get a call from a friend of a friend of a friend. Now, this keeps happening to me now. This new reality of how much people just care. I have this new network of not just sources, but really good people. And they all come this way. Friend of a friend of a friend. Do you think it's because your brother...

Chris, let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question here. Do you think some of that network is because your brother is the governor? Do you think that's a possibility? I don't know. Do you think that? I'm not sure. Do you think it's because you have a television show? Some people... He's like, I have this great network now of people that truly care about me. They really care. Keep going. Battling this all over the country and the world and people want to beat the beast. So this doctor calls me up, asks me about my symptoms. He's a pulmonary expert and says, can you get up? I say, yeah, I can get up. He says, do it. He says, can you stretch your torso? How great would it be if somebody pranking Chris Cuomo? Like somebody just getting him to do like, how are you?

Yes, this is Daniel Cohen. I'm a pulmonary expert at Langone. I'm just calling you. Can you get up right now? Can you stretch your torso? Can you do, you know, the funky chicken dance? I want you to do that right now. And I know you're going to laugh, but I'm going to tell you right now, the funky chicken's movements open up the passageways in your lungs that get the virus out. So I want you to do that right now. And I want you to do it outside of your house because you need the fresh air. Can you do the Running Man? Can you do the Running Man right now? Let me tell you why. The Running Man increases circulation in such a way that the virus is less able to bind to your red blood cells. Can you do the Running Man right now? Can you put you, a video of you doing the Running Man on your Instagram account right now? Can you do that? Let me ask you another question. And this is going to seem, but you got to stick with me. I'm the head pulmonologist.

Can you do blackface? Can you do, let me tell you why blackface helps. If you put blackface on your face, the virus gets scared because the virus is racist. You know the way Asians feel about blacks. The virus is very racist. So if you do blackface, the virus doesn't get in there. Do you see what I mean? You want to keep going? Yeah, we got it. Like this. I'm like, oh, God, it's like, yeah, no, it doesn't feel that good. He said, do it. He said, can you hold your breath for 10 seconds?

I said, probably not. Do it, you pussy. Do it. Do it. And then he gave me the key. Who is this? He said, he heard me say that I wanted to keep this out of my lungs and he said, let's do it. It's in your lungs and you got the right fear and you got the wrong approach. You can't wait it out.

He said, you have to fight. I'm not in some silly metaphorical way. This isn't about like channeling Rocky or eye of the tiger. You've got to do the things that will beat this virus. You got to breathe deep when it hurts and it hurts. I know it hurts and I'm not trying to minimize anybody's pain. When you get a fever spike and that hurts, he said, you can't take confidence that it's going to go down. They're going to be spikes for at least 10 days when you get a fever. You got to layer up. You got to drink. You got to think about this virus, by the way.

No, and we're done with him, but nobody has any clue at all what's going on. Like, nobody has any like, not a clue, right? No, like fever for 10 days. Like, what are we saying here? What are we talking about? What is going on? Nobody has a clue. Now they said you read something. It says soap doesn't do anything. Ventilators make it worse.

Doesn't kill the coronavirus. Yeah. Ventilate. Yeah. Ventilators make it worse. Soon they're going to say hand sanitizer spreads it. Like, what, what do we, you know, hand sanitizer? You're like, no, this too. Now it's saying 13 feet. Well, these are scare monger articles. These coronavirus found in air samples up to 13 feet away.

None of the, they don't know if it's infectious particles or not. Like, you know, listen, man, they found coronavirus on that cruise ship, the diamond princess, the grand princess, whatever it was. What was it called? I think it's the diamond princess. The diamond princess. I want to go on a cruise to the diamond princess. I want to go.

How you're going to love it. It's the diamond princess cruise. I want it to go somewhere in Mexico, but nowhere scary. The diamond princess, only 17% of people on the boat contracted the virus, which means, and listen to me because I am a microbiologist. Okay. I, I, I, you know, I have a doctorate in biochemical engineering. I've worked, you know, people know what I am. That material on the, on the, it's the RNA of the virus,

the RNA, the ribonucleic acid, the RNA of the virus, not the infectious material. So it's not infectious after 17 days. They don't know if the particles in the air 13 feet away from you are infectious or not. They just don't know. No one knows. They keep saying fast food and shit safe. So I want to talk about the other day and I'm even on the drive through.

I'm like, this ain't safe. There's no way this is okay. They just want poor people to die. Everything poor people do is safe, by the way. They like your drive-throughs are safe. Yeah. Sucking a guy off on a bus is safe. Yeah. There's no risk in sucking a guy off on a bus. Listen, if that's how you make your money and we can send less of a stimulus out, that's safe.

Yeah. Hooking is safe. Yeah. Selling your pussy on the street is absolutely safe for COVID-19. Don't worry about it. Yeah. No selling a legal weapon. It's doesn't on guns is fine. It doesn't live on guns.

Have at it. Doesn't live on guns. Have at it, animals. Have at it. We took sports away. The least we can give you is a little gunplay in the street to make up for it. You need to do something. But they really are letting the poor die.

They just don't give a shit. And when I, I'm like amazed or like, they can't say that postmates, because by the way, postmates is, it's all the same risk. We had fucking delivery tonight. They're going to be crown on the napkin. Nobody knows. It's all the same risk. You leave your house.

It's a risk. It's just everything's a risk. I'm getting an antibody test to see if I had it. I want to know if I had it. And if it, if it, if I did not have it, I will throw a fit. This is what we're all going to do because by the way, no one had it. Everyone's full of shit. I love these things.

People are like, I was, was anyone else sick in December? It was the sickest I'd ever been in December. It was late December, early January. And I was sick. Was anyone else sick like that? Yeah. Yes, I was sick. I was sick too.

You people get sick. You fucking morons. It's not COVID-19. Did anyone have a cough in late January? Was that it? No. Now I was sick in early March and I was from coming back from Vancouver. And there was, there are many Asians, a lovely, proud people, but many of them lived in

Vancouver. I'm just saying that's what it is. So I'm thinking that perhaps I got the virus in Vancouver and I brought it back here and I think I had it in early March. I had a cough for three weeks. I had a fever. It was bad. I was sweating.

I was taking some little chills and whatever. It was not good. So I think I had COVID-19. I think I had Corona. No, I don't know if I did. And what's going to happen is we're all going to take these antibody tests and they're going to show that none of us had the Corona virus. And we're all going to flip out and say those tests aren't real and they're not effective.

And that the person who gave it to us can fuck off because we know we had it. There are idiots out there that are like, I know I had it. I know for a fact I had it. I had every symptom of it. And then they start listing the symptoms. They're not at all Corona virus. My stomach hurt. I stubbed my toe.

It's like, no, that's not it. You goon. I got from a friend, they got this hand sanitizer. It's a lavender hand sanitizer with a very high alcohol content. And when I spread it all over my hands, I breathe it in deep because it smells like gin. And I used to love beef eater gin. I spent years in a pool of lukewarm beef eater gin, beef eater in and out martini, meaning you put the vermouth in the glass.

And by the way, if you are a drinker out there, please enjoy this cocktail. And I'll tell you exactly how to do it. I don't usually give cocktail recommendations on the program because I am a degenerate alcoholic. So many people are disturbed when I do that. But take some vermouth, extra drive vermouth, you swirl it around the glass. You throw it out in and out, in and out. The martini go right out there. Then you put, then you take the gin, you stir the fucking gin.

You don't shake it like you're a 24 year old fucking bartender in West Hollywood, who's fucking shaking the gin and trying to see how many cocks she can fit in her so she can pay a rent. That ain't it. Okay? You're not gonna, you're not shaking a fucking thing and bruising the goddamn gin, waiting for your fucking seeking arrangement state to pick you up and take you to his fucking house. Enough. You're stirring the gin.

You stir it. Shaking it bruises it. It's a line from James Bond. It's absolutely true. And let me tell you right now, I threw my life away for this drink. I mean, I threw my life away for this drink. This studio is in an apartment in Hollywood. I am more talented than 90% of people that live in this city and they all live in castles.

So the reality is I am fucked and it was because of this cocktail. I have not had a meaningful relationship in my life because of this cocktail. I have very few friends, the ones I have that I've had for a very long time. I strongly dislike. I have no honesty with myself or others. I am a shell of a human being, genuine shell of a human being. I live to entertain people, to make them happy for nothing, for no reason. I barely enjoy that.

It's just what I have to do. I'm built to do nothing else. I'm just a vector of negative energy that will either go into a heroin needle or go into a stupid joke. I tell it fucking, you know, the fucking, you know, the giggle fucking, the giggle pig, which should be the name of a comedy club and isn't. Welcome to the giggle pig. Don't take out your phones. This is art.

But what I'm saying is all of that happened. I should have been, I should have came out of the closet earlier. I should have did the right thing. I should have went to college. I didn't do any of that. I was in subprime mortgages. I was dumb enough to sell the product to myself. I sold the house to myself.

You're not supposed to get so drunk. You scam yourself. I scammed myself. The Enron idiots weren't buying their own bad shit. Like, you know, so I did it all for this perfect drink. It is a perfect drink. And I'm glad I was an alcoholic. When I look back on the world, I'm glad it was an alcoholic.

You know, family, friends, accomplishments. I know a lot of people with those and I got to be honest with you. Eh, truly. It's truly a whatever. Your kids are shit half the time. They take advantage of you. They don't value the sacrifices you made for them. Your wife or husband doesn't really care.

And your career, you hit a wall with that. And no one really gives a shit. Truly no one cares. I just watched a documentary about a bunch of comedians that came out of New York City and the alt scene and everything. And some of them are funny and some of them aren't. But the point is truly no one cares. No one cares.

They care about David Dobrik and they're not going to care about him soon. They won't care about him soon. They'll care about something that just makes sounds and beeps. They'll go beep, beep. To entertain your kids like the most will be somebody that goes beep, beep, beep. So it's over and nothing matters. So you take the vermouth and you swirl it around in the glass. You spill it out and then you put the gin, which should be,

and this is another great line, which isn't mine. I don't know who wrote this. Vodka goes down too easy. Gin drinkers like to know what you're up against. That's why I didn't like Bombay Sapphire. It's too smooth. I like beef eater. I like a little punch.

I like a little punch in the back of the throat of Juniper Berry and Botanical and Lavender. I like to feel where I'm going because this, listen, martinis, gin martinis take you to the moon. Martinis are like breasts. One is not enough. Two is alright. Three is too many.

Four is a party. I didn't do that either. That's something else. I don't know. A guy told me that name Huey. He's dead. The point is this. He had a lot of great, he said one other thing that I left so hard.

It wasn't his, but he remembered it. He goes, she, he said this at dinner. He goes, she broke my heart. So I broke her jaw again. I don't know where you got it. It's probably a famous thing. It's very funny. Anyway, uh, he, what was I saying?

You're just describing. Yeah. So the drink takes you to the moon. It takes you to the moon. You get fucked up. When you get banged up on martinis, you get banged the fuck up. You do not. I mean, it's a bad, it's a boom.

Like you are, it's no work. Like you're at work the next day with a pounding headache. It's a real hangover. You got to do a couple of Percocet in the morning or a couple of Viking in with that, with that fucking Starbucks latte and that new port or Marlboro mental light or Marlboro light or Marlboro red or parliament. You get the idea or vape.

The point is, and I've smoked all those cigarettes. That's why I went through them. The point is I used to smoke basic unfiltered. Yeah. Back when I was a kid, I was 13 years old. You know, my friend Shay got a pack of basic unfiltered. We got to pack one day of Benson and hedges. We used to just buy different types of cigarettes.

L&M, Liget and Myers. What about a good documentary about cigarettes? Not about how fucked up they are about the tradition of tobacco, which did probably have to do. That's probably gets into slaves, but not that. I mean, a recent like, what were all the cigarette companies? And I'm interested in that. I want to know about that.

I'm going to die one day because of them. I want to know more about them, not just a rat documentary like Rat Lea Remini, who's, you know, everybody hates Scientology now that they're millionaires, but they didn't, they didn't hate it. They didn't mind torturing the kids when it was getting them all the opportunities. I see you rats. You're all full of shit.

Okay. You don't do something for 30 fucking years and then decide it's not for you. Shut the fuck up. Go out like the fucking mafia and suck David Miskovich's dick. All right. Anyway, the drink, this is my point here. I keep getting, I keep getting away from this, but

the drink, but the Fermuthin put the gin, no olives. Olives are for women. My boss told me that my boss was a guy named Tim that I worked for in mortgages had a scar across his face. He said, I said, how'd you get that? He goes, I was thrown out of a car at four years old through the windshield. I said, that's crazy. He goes, yeah, he goes, it taught me about responsibility.

No one knew what that meant. No one asked him, but he said olives are for women. It's a great point. If you have a blue cheese stuff, olive in your mouth, you're a woman. That's it. Or you're gay. I guess we could say that, but even gay guys predominantly are probably, I don't know, I don't know that they're martini people.

Martinis are for, you know, martinis are for people that want to go to the moon. They don't have, they want to go to the moon with a drink or two. They don't have time to sit there for the whole, they need to be fucked up by the appetizer. I need it to be in the bag by the appetizer. If bruschetta or tuna tartare hit the table and I wasn't in a bag, we had a problem. I needed to have that gin glow on my face, that heat, that heat on my face before the appetizer hit the table.

So it's very important that you make the drink the right way. Just, just lukewarm gin in a martini glass. You can even, I didn't have removed sometimes. I just do it with the gin. It's nice if you have a martini shaker. You could do it in a milk glass, you know, big bar glass, water glass. You can do that little stir. You know, it's, it's, it's, here's the thing, folks.

And a lot of people won't tell you this. It's, it is classy to throw your life away drinking certain drinks. Martinis, kettle on the rocks, whiskey, bourbon, scotch. They're nice. Something nice about throwing your life away like that. Not beer. That's low rent, but like a liquor alcoholic. I would say good for him.

That's somebody that knows where they're going and desperately wants to get there as quickly as possible. When you were boozing it up, you drank beer, right? White beer. That's light beer. I mean, you can't even be proud of that. But you didn't even have a good, what did you drink from college to what? You were till, till what? Like 19 to like 25.

Yeah. Yeah. I would say that was me too. I think I was like 19 to 25 because I was drugs from 13 to 20 and of course from 20 to 25 as well. But I, I got into booze when I was done with all the other drugs. When I quit everything else, I moved into booze. I graduated to booze. The good old kettle one on the rocks with a black fly in the glass from the good old bartenders at least as lounge.

But that's, that's what I mean. You know, I threw my entire life away for that drink and I don't regret it either. I don't, it was a great, there's nothing better than a Sunday afternoon getting shitfaced and going to sleep in your car. You know, you know, getting really, there was a place called church hills and Rockville center. And I was asked to leave twice because I think one of the women in church hills, one of the women, I was, I was drunk and it was 11am. And I was telling my table of people how important it was that we continued to support the people of Iraq by sending more troops and money. And I was screaming at the top of my lungs and yelling. And a woman started screaming at me from across the, you don't know what you're talking about.

I, I, and I was screaming and I was drunk. I think I called her a terrorist and I was asked to leave. I was really rare in a go. I believed in the Bush administration. And then I, and then I stopped doing cocaine and drinking. And then I was like, wow. It's amazing what happens when you start looking at things through the lens of somebody that's, you know, not doing cocaine and drinking daily. You do get a better idea of what's going on in the world.

I mean, I used to go nuts. Like I used to get coked out of my face, put a bunch of friends in my suburban drive around really wealthy areas in Long Island. And point to the houses and go, they deserve this money. They deserve it. They're better than we are. Screaming, sweating, screaming. And my friends were like, yeah, yeah. Back of the car, they were terrified.

They're like, are we going to die? What's wrong with this guy? I mean, they deserve it. Don't take their money, make your own money. And then sometimes a car would run out of gas like in the middle of those because I hadn't put gas in it. I would just stand outside of the car screaming. Just smoking cigarettes and screaming. Like when I say I completely destroyed my life.

I mean, you know, it's, I'm sure, you know, there's elements of it that are fun. But you know, I should have just vlogged. That's what I should have done. I should have vlogged. Everything I like about the world is live. Other than this podcast, everything I like is stand up and, you know, with that music, theater, all that shit. It's all live. It's in a stage.

It's real. Things can go wrong. You know, vlogging is edited and that's the generation we live in. We live, we live now in the time of editing and every all everything you put out there for the most part, a lot of these guys. And some of them are really talented at the way they do this and editing is certainly a talent. It's a skill. Some would say it's an art form. They'd be, you know, whatever.

But that's what we are. We're living in an edited. We're living in a time of editing and everybody's edited. And what I always was drawn to was live, unedited shit. It was raw and it was right in front of you. And if it fucking sucked, it sucked. And if it was great, it was great. And if it was somewhere in the middle, which it usually was, it was somewhere in the middle.

And maybe it had moments of brilliance and maybe it didn't. And maybe it dipped at the end and you were bored, but it wasn't ever, you couldn't duplicate it. You couldn't play it back. You couldn't show your friend unless they were standing next to you. There was something cool about that. That's why I've always liked restaurants and it's why I like comedy shows. I like things that even though there's a level of consistency, it's one and done. Like it's just, yeah, we had a great dinner and then we went back to reunites and it sucked.

And then you're like, what, was it even good? You see a comic destroyed and you see him the next time with the same jokes and it doesn't work. You're like, wait a minute, that magic was gone. Was it the audience? Was it him? Was it her? What was it, you know? So that's what we're moving away from.

We're moving into this world where everything is edited and everybody's going to be able to release the parts of themselves, you know, that they think are the best. And it's just, it's going to suck. I'm a little depressed about, you know, how tough it's going to be for live performance. Let's read an ad here. We're going to read it in real time. The Tim Dillon Show is brought to you by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Bill and Melinda Gates, we stick a needle in the third world and see what happens. The many of you are angry that Bill and Melinda have sponsored the show.

You've accused me of shilling for them. They did buy ads. They did commit to ads. You know, Bill and Melinda Gates are going all over the third world sticking needles in children and seeing how they react. And that's heroic. I think it's heroic. They are weird, aren't they, those two? They are a little off.

I'm not an anti-vaxxer. I think we need vaccinations. But, you know, the reality is I don't research these companies that make vaccinations and I don't know what Bill and Melinda are up to. I'm always very suspicious when they go, well, we're billionaires. But now we want to save the world. And it's like, okay. And listen, maybe they are. I don't know.

I don't know anything about it. I really, I don't know much about them, you know? I know they're doing some fucked up shit in the third world. Like the things they're doing, and I guess their attitude is, well, these kids are going to die anyway. So, I don't know. But they're, I'm very scared. Listen, everybody, the way that people are looking at conspiracies now, the problem is everybody's like, they're trying to surveil me and everything. It's like they're, listen, folks.

You've, I don't want to, I don't want to, I want to break this to you in a way that you've got nothing left, you know? Like you, you don't have anything left here. Nobody's surveil, like everybody's like, the new thing is like TikTok, like David Hogg is like, we got to ban TikTok because it's a Chinese national security weapon. Because the Chinese, they have all that access to, you know, all these kids, they have access to everything. They have all that data. What, China invested all of that in TikTok to prove what? Our kids are retards? You tell me we couldn't email China and said that?

Yeah, our kids are sociopaths that dance around. Doesn't matter what's happening. We could light the world on fire. They literally dance. I mean, that's the big, what is this surveillance? Where are you, you know, listen, I'm not saying, you should have been concerned about surveillance years and years and years and years ago. This isn't new. Remember how none of you gave a fuck because Osama bin Laden was going to come down to chimney and cut all your throats?

And now everybody's concerned about surveillance. It's been surveilling. It's been reading. They've been doing everything. You didn't care a fucking month ago. You shouldn't care. So it's again, it's Monday morning, quarterbacking the whole thing. They're not going to win the government in this country.

If you ever pose a serious threat to them, they're going to vaporize you in some matter. Your car goes into a tree. They leak a bunch of info on you. They find they audit your but they will they will break your spirit or they'll break your head. That's just what happens if you get to be a big enough threat. This is not to defend any of the new surveillance measures. This is not to say you shouldn't be vigilant. This is not to say you shouldn't pay attention on what's going on.

But this is to make you honestly understand that everybody in this country acts like they woke up and learned about everything today. Everybody acts like it just dawned on them that things are fucked this minute. Where have you been? Where were you? Where were you when this was going on through Obama before Obama during Bush? Where were you then? I just don't understand. I understand.

There's nothing to take here. They don't care about your lives as much as you think they do. They just want you to work and earn money and they don't want you to have health insurance. And they don't want you to be able to have the money to challenge them. And they don't want you to have the type of Democratic representation that you should have. That's why they fucking gerrymander and fuck up the districts all the goddamn time. They'd rather you not vote. They don't want you to do anything.

And this is all a problem, by the way. I'm not saying none of it's a problem. But this idea that they're spying on me, it's an issue. And they're spying on you because they want to sell you more crap for the most part. They want to sell your data to people so they can sell you more shit. So they can find out the best way to market a pizza right down your throat. If they could drone pizzas down your throat, that's what a lot of it is. And yes, if you start kicking up dust and challenging the status quo, which none of you do anyway.

But if you were to do that, like Mr. Michael Hastings, then you meet the tree. You meet Mr. Tree. So that's what it is. I'm not trying to be blackpilling. I don't want to be dispiriting here. But this, this, this pattern, everyone's at level 12 panic about everything. But nobody cared. You know, they're going to vaccinate us all.

Yeah, probably going to be a vaccination for this. We probably need it. They're going to put chips in us. That's a problem. I don't, I don't want any of that. I don't want any of that. That's a, that's a bad road to go down. But again, it's, you know, they might not, they might not put a chip in you.

They might, they might not care. They don't need to, they don't need to put a chip in you to control you. They're already kind of controlling you. All the things that you think you're not going to be allowed to do, you'll probably be allowed to do them. You're going to be allowed to go out to the buffalo hut and order the fire. You know, you're going to be able to go out and go to the fried chicken and grenade stand that you're like, you're going to be able to do that. But if you, if you, again, if you try to like unionize, you try to get some fucking money or self-respect or try to say, hey, I don't want to come in today. I've got Corona.

They're going to say, fuck you, get in here and die on the factory floor. That they're going to do. So be a little more concerned about, nobody's concerned about any of that, by the way. Nobody cares about any of that. It's all about Satan and it's an ancient religious war. And no, it's not. When you really figure out what it is, it's the ultimate black pill because it's not Satan and fucking what you people think it's trade routes. When you figure out the whole thing, the blackmail, the nightmares, the murder, it's all to protect ports and trade routes and ways to get oil to the Caspian Sea and ways to protect interests of very wealthy people.

It's the ultimate black pill. You're like, you're doing all this so that billionaires can be trillionaires. That's it. It's not because it's some blood oath, some ancient religion. Please tell me it's at least that. Please. Wait a minute. You're not even a lizard?

You're not a, you're, we're the same species and you treat me like this. It's even worse. I wish they were lizards. It would make you feel better. You'd at least get to go to bed and go, oh, they're lizards. No, they're the same species and they still don't give a fuck. They've got the same blood in their veins. They're not, you know, when I say they're lizards from another planet, it's a joke.

It's scarier that they're from this planet and they don't give a fuck about you and all the shit they do, the skull and bones, the shit, all the, all the weird stuff. Yes, they're morbid fucking people. Yes, they're a cult. Yes, blah, blah, blah, but what drives it? What drives the secret groups and what drives the secrecy and the bonding and the blackmail is money. It's the ability to earn money and to have nobody get in the way of them earning money. Listen, so when the conspiracy talk gets going, I'm, I'm, I'm with you. I just don't want to hear about time machines.

I don't want to hear about Q and A. I don't want to hear about Donald Trump be given a time machine. I don't want to hear JFK Jr. still alive. Tell me something normal. Tell me the government blew up the federal building in Oklahoma. That's something I'll discuss over brunch when we're allowed to have it. Tell me about 9-11. Talk to me about, you know, the Boston Marathon bombing.

And by the way, Ray Kump brought up a great point today. He said, no shootings. None of these kids are shooting anybody with COVID-19. You want, you start to wonder if some of these school shootings are not as random as they appear. Cause nobody's gone into a farmer's market with a gun and don't go do that now that I've said it. But the point is that when you start thinking about it, and I'm not saying the school shootings are fake or staged. What I'm saying is that it is interesting. It's just very, there hasn't been any random acts of violence since this, you know, there hasn't been any of that.

That's kind of gone, you know, they canceled that too, I guess. Right. We're like day 31 and just nothing. Nothing. Interesting. Maybe these random acts of violence we all experience aren't so random. I told you it's going to be a conservative show today. I told you that early on. And that might meant that today was not the episode for you. But what I'm saying is that I know there's a cult people out there.

I'm not saying there aren't. Trust me. I'm well aware of it. I know more about it than you. I've had more people. I've had real conversations. If you join the Patreon, you took to Nick Bryant, he'll fucking scare the shit out of you. And he scared the shit out of me with that episode.

And it was fucking wild. Read about the Finders. Read about the shit they're into. No, the FBI said that actually the Finders weren't up. Well, you shut up. The FBI said. If you ever start a sense what the FBI said and it's not a complete joke, I have no respect for you. The FBI.

People are murderers. The FBI. So yeah, go read about that stuff. But then just don't fucking come out the other way. Telling me that, you know, Tom Hanks is running a global. And I don't know anything about him. He seems sweet. Not a lot of people.

So did Harvey Weinstein. He seemed like a big teddy bear. Because he is. No. I don't know these people. You don't know any of these people. You can't say what they're into or what they're not into. I don't go to these parties.

I don't know these people. It is what it is, you know? Living with chronic pain is the worst. It's more than a feeling of discomfort. It can affect your whole life. Many of my listeners probably have some type of pain that has prevented them from relaxing and sleeping. Many of, much of it is internal, isn't it guys? Some of it is external.

Maybe you can't exercise because of your pain. We're going to try to get Alex Jones on the show. I want him to talk about what's going on right now. You know, and I don't care if you'd like it or not. I want to have Roseanne on the program to have her talk about what's going on right now. I'd like to get Chris Hedges on the show. I want to get all of these people on the show. I don't care that, you know, my biggest disappointment with some of the people that listen to this show

is when I talk to somebody you disagree with, you can't handle it. You're like, dude, it's stupid. You guys, you shouldn't do that. You know, I mean, or when I talk to somebody that you find dangerous. It's like, listen, man, quarantine's going to end. We're going to have to go back to work. NBC, pull up, drudge. NBC's already, these big companies are starting to figure out how to get people back to work. Okay?

Fear of second wave in summer. Cities begin canceling 4th of July events. Feds cover up nursing home deaths. Testing botched. Nursing home deaths had nothing to do with coronavirus. Just people in nursing homes bludgeoned, you know. That's what I mean. Like everybody's like, China lied about the amount of deaths. I'm like, wait, what America is going to be like, hold my beer.

Right. Wait till we start burning down nursing homes. That's odd. Remember when China collapsed that hotel? Beverly Hills orders face mask worn in public. Well, that's where I walk around every day. I wear them in public. You're wearing it now?

When you go out? I'm wearing it. Yeah, I did it today. I come down here. It's come to this. If you want to go for a walk at Beverly Hills, do anything else outdoors in that city, you're going to have to cover your face. City officials have decreed that everyone must sport some type of face covering when they leave their homes.

See, this is when I would love to be able to start a business immediately and have the infrastructure to start making like bedazzled masks. Yeah. Because you know you would make a couple of mill selling kind of fun, crazy face masks. Yeah. That's the type of shit. I wish I could snap my fingers and then have that infrastructure.

You know, Beverly Hills Mayor Lester Friedman, that's the name of the pimp and casino, right? Is that true? Yeah. Sharon Stone's boyfriend and casino Lester Friedman. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, I guarantee you it's Lester or Lester Diamond. Is it Lester Diamond?

Shit, hold on. It's Lester Diamond, I think. Oh, okay. Oh, that sucks. I thought it was Lester Friedman. I don't know. But the Mayor of Beverly Hills, yeah, Lester Diamond, the Mayor of Beverly Hills says you got to have a mask on to walk around Beverly Hills.

What happens if you don't have a mask, by the way? That's what I'm trying to find out. You know, what are they going to do? They probably cite you. You probably get a little ticket. Well, you notice it doesn't say law. It says it's a rule. It's a rule.

I don't even know. I don't even know anymore, folks. I'm getting a little tired of this. I'm a little tired. I'm a little tired of the scientific community not knowing anything. And I think I want them to open. Stop feeding the media all this info if you don't know anything. The media is starting to fucking get out of control now.

They're scaring everybody. It's true. Conservative show today. But I'm dead. I'm sick of it. Yeah, fuck Trump too. He's fucked up. He's not doing anything right for anybody.

But the media is like, oh, coronavirus lives in your ass. You know, it's like, stop. I'm trying to sleep. Coronavirus can come in and fuck you in your mouth at night. It's like, how about no? Where are the scientists? They don't fucking know anything. Turn it off.

Turn the internet off. Italy extends lockdown despite business pressure. Dude, Italy. Remember in the beginning, Italy was singing to each other on their balconies. And now they are stealing food because they're desperate and hungry. And this is the future of America. And I'm telling you right now, I don't want anybody to get sick. And I understand why we had to do this.

But we got to figure out a way to start opening the economies back because not where poor, vulnerable people get killed because that's what's happening now. But we got to figure out a way, whether it's, you know, testing, mitigation to begin, because this thing will spiral out of control very quickly without even the idea. We needed the idea that we're going to come back, even if it's not the reality in the near term. We need the idea that we're going to come back, which is why they were talking to several big companies. You're like, listen, we're going to have people come in and try to find that NBC companies, you know, big companies thinking about how they're going to bring people back to work, how they're going to bring their workforce back. Here's the thing, guys, until schools are in session, there is no way right there. Until schools are in session, we're not going to be back in business because people need to watch their kids.

So the reality is you need to put the fucking kids in school before people can go back to anything that seems like normalcy. So here's what they're doing, okay? They're saying this. They're basically saying that they're going to try to start to bring people back. A lot of companies are going to start to bring people back in early May. Chrysler, Tesla, Bolsang, they begin production again on May 4th. These are factories, and they're going to take some, you know, as many precautions and steps as they need to. Some things, and this is great, interesting.

They said for some things, demand will snap back immediately. Dentists, healthcare, barbershops, there's a backlog of demand. People need haircuts. They need appointments to the dentist, healthcare. So those are things that immediately people are going to need to do. Restaurants and bars, people might want to go. They're all cooped up. They might want to go out if they're open.

Are people going to start buying new cars and new homes? That's going to be a bit. Take a beat on that. That's going to be a little bit of an issue. You know, I mean, people are not going to be making big purchases immediately, okay? If they can help it. It's going to be a gradual process. This is the article here.

Any return to work will be a gradual process rather than setting a national go back to the office day. Still, many companies are ready in a hurry to get employees back to work. Well, they don't care. They don't care if people die. That's the other problem. These companies don't give a fuck. Goldman Sachs is going to build like an infrared, you know, they're going to get infrared technology to see if you have a fever. But you can also be asymptomatic for 14 days without a fever.

So childcare is the big one. One major limitation of any reopening will be childcare. Where are you going to put these kids? Now your kids are home. They're stealing your heroin and they're stealing your bullets and your gun. They got to go back to school. You know, these kids are little demons. They're on the dark web fucking trying to figure out the best route.

As soon as school opens up to try to figure out the best route through the back with the AK. You got to get them out of your fucking house. Little TikTok monsters. I can't wait till the governor's like to retards in the middle of the country because a lot of them are retarded. Start just letting people out and just it'll be a bloodbath. Or maybe not. We don't know. What's that guy Tate Reeves in Mississippi?

What's a Mississippi governor's name? He's my favorite Tate Reeves. Yeah, he's like a character. Can we play some Tate Reeves? He's like a character. Mississippi, by the way, is one of the fattest states in the country. Mississippi, by the way, is just... Look at...

You can't see this. Everybody, I wish we had the switcher which is back ordered. I wish we could show you this. Here's my big issue now. I'm going to be very honest with everybody. When did the sign language people start losing their minds? Dude, the sign language people have become so distracting that people with ears cannot listen. Because they've become so extra.

Have you ever seen a fucking sign language? You're like this, you're like... It's like what the fuck's going on? What kind of theatrical sign language is this? Every sign language interpreter looks like this is their moment. Like they're going to get picked up. They're going to get discovered while they're doing sign language next to the Mississippi governor. Calm it the fuck down.

Some of us still have ears and we're trying to pay attention. And you're dancing in the upper right hand corner of the screen and it's distracting. You literally look like you're having a full scale seizure on this. What is this? How many deaf people are there that we need to have this? Me and Ray were talking about this. You know, the deaf are really tough. The blind are lovely because they're more vulnerable.

But the deaf are very nasty people for the most part. That's the reality. Look how you like Marlee Matlin, fine. The deaf are an issue. And I have sympathy for them. But I'm saying enough with the sign language people that have lost their fucking minds. They're preventing people from getting the information because people are like what is wrong with that person? What is wrong?

I mean the guy here, and we're going to show you this because this will be the clip from the show. But this guy, never in my life have I seen anything like what I'm looking at right now. I'll screenshot this and throw this on the screen. Yeah, you have to see this because this is completely out of control. And by the way, it's not only him. It's every, whether it's de Blasio, whether it's coma, every sign language interpreter is going crazy. They are signing so big it is wild. And it is incredibly distra- it throws you off.

Your eyes travel to the sign language person. And you're like what is that even sign language? Does Trump have one? I don't know. He might. He probably does. Let's hear what Tate Reeves has to say. He looks-

I personally wouldn't hold one if I was a pastor. But I don't think what was happening on this Sunday based on what I've seen is in violation of my original order. I've been clear that no American government has the right to threaten to lock someone up for practicing their faith. That is not legal and it is not right. In Mississippi, churches are protected from over the top actions like these that is spelled out in our executive order. I've said many, many times and I'm going to say this again. This sign language guy looks homeless. I mean, I've- this sign language guy looks like he has coronavirus.

And he looks like he's signing on his- I mean, he's got this weird black shirt. The only other person I've seen wear that is the great red comp. Yeah. You know? It's the only other person that wears a black shirt is red comp. This guy in lounge singers that wear like a black, weird type of shirt like this. It's like a weird- dude, Tate Reeves looks- he's like, hi, Tate Reeves. I've been clear.

No government can put people in jail for worshiping their faith, worshiping their God, which I agree. Hey, Tate, I agree with you. But I also think we got to be a little, you know, keep, keep playing Tate Reeves, please. I'm going to get a job working for him. And I will admit, it pains me to do so. But I do not think anyone should attend gatherings of any type, including church services with more than 10 people there. Tate. But this is still America.

We still hold our religious liberties dear. I'll be happy to answer questions about that. But I want to make clear for all local officials who are wondering as we enter the second week of shelter in place in Easter Sunday. Mississippi is not a state that uses government threats to shut down churches. I personally plan to worship from home on Sunday with my family. We never missed Easter service before, and we won't miss the chance to worship in our home. I hope all Mississippians will celebrate responsibly and take precautions to stay safe. Stay home if you can.

Worship from home. Please use common sense. Be smart. Look out for your loved ones. I want you to know today also that we have taken some of this- Tate really impressed me. I wanted to shit on Tate. Tate did a pretty good job.

This is just sign language guys that got Tate Reeves hit with his car. Years ago and he's like, I'll give you a job. He's like, stay home. I know many of y'all know you want to go out. Want to get baptized. Easter, by the way, always kind of sucked as a holiday. Yeah. It always sucks.

You know, you get a nice honey-baked ham or my family. We did it with a vinegar mustard glaze, whatever. You know, you can do some lamb, maybe do a nice herb, crusted rack of lamb, maybe a nice chateau brion. You don't do a casserole on Easter. You don't do pasta. Jesus Christ is coming back. You fucking animal. You do a meat.

You don't do fish. You don't do fish. It's a roast. You don't do vegetarians. You don't do vegans. You do a roast of meat. You kill an animal or you buy an animal that's already been killed. And that's what you do.

That's the Easter meal. You do a grotten potatoes. If you can, they are the best Easter potatoes. Oh, grotten potatoes represent the spring. Chocolate should be only for the bunny. You should do like spring pastries, pastry creams, glazed fruit. It's the return of lighter desserts, but still kind of heavy because we're not quite in the summer. We're not doing like sorbet and shit like that.

You know, that's if you're, I mean, you know, you can't really have an event this year. Usually I try to give advice for people that are trying to have events that are trying to escape the drudgery and dreariness of their horrific lives. So I tell them what to cook and what to drink, but they can't do that this year. They have to just live in the horror that they've built for themselves. You know, this quarantine really makes you think. It makes you realize that the most important thing in the world is to have a lot of money, lots and lots and lots of money. Love is meaningless and your family and your friends in many cases are obstacles to truly what you can do. You have to throw those people away as quickly as possible.

Push them in front of trains, push them out the window of a high-rise apartment building, smother them with pillows in your sleep. They want you to fail. They don't want you to do better than they did. This means your parents and everyone near you. You have to get away from them. You should only keep friends for 24 months. At that point, you've gotten everything you can from them and you should throw them away. Act like you don't know who they are.

Push them in front of a train out of a high-rise apartment building, smother them in their sleep. Throw a hairdryer in the tub. Doesn't matter whether those are metaphorical suggestions or real ones or it is up to you to decide. You need to be a stick and move hustler. Keep going. Keep fighting. Don't get stuck in a bad situation. Whether it's a job, whether it's a relationship or whether it's a family unit, nothing matters.

Get away from these people. Trust me. They're trying to kill you. You just don't see it. Don't fall for hucksters like the Gary V's of the world. They tell you that you're going to start your business and you're going to be this brilliant, innovative person. Don't do that. Get a simple job and steal.

Get a simple job and learn the way around it. Learn how to steal. Stealing is so important. Steal. Take. Take. Pad your pocket with the extras. Find a way to circumvent the system.

Little crimes are very important when it comes to survival. These are things you're all going to need to learn how to do. Even if it's just stealing ketchup. One day it's ketchup. Next day it's someone's pension. Be smart. Play the long game. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have gone near comedy, this circus tent freak show.

I would have been in good shape. I would have stayed thin and I would have done like what Matt Damon did in Talented Mr. Ripley. I would have just stolen someone's identity, murdered them and tried to become them. That is also a great strategy for success. Murder someone and become them. You don't hear that often. You don't hear that. You usually hear like go to grad school.

That's not helping. That's not helping. If you want big gains, you have to take big risks. Get comfortable with death. Murder. Extortion. Blackmail. Violence.

Corruption. Betrayal. These are all things that you'll need to get very comfortable out to succeed in America. Imagine a priest giving this Easter sermon to people like wouldn't be great if a priest was giving this sermon. It's like a bunch of ladies with big hats. They're all nodding. Like fanning themselves. Yeah, they're like fanning themselves in a big southern church.

He's like the first thing y'all need to do is understand that you got to apply pressure to the right people. Understand that secrets are power and leverage is necessary to get what you want. And all the ladies are like, yes, praise Jesus. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. What's a joke and what's not, it's up to you to decide for folks. It's really not my business. I just offer you what I can offer you.

And I'm just telling you that the quarantine makes you think about things. How truly blessed we are to have this moment right before the world descends into chaos and violence. I mean, in five years, the idea of something to be true or not will be funny. The idea of truth will only be laughable because we will have gone, we will have descended by that point into a collective state of madness. Truly. The future of this country is a permanent state of schizophrenia brought on by the media, an endless assault of technology, narcissistic personalities, injecting their opinions into everything. You will fall victim and pray to the monsters that are coming to eat whatever is left of this decayed system.

You have no choice. Right or wrong in terms of like true or not true, what's real news and fake news. If somebody even suggests that, you'll just start to laugh maniacally like Joker pretty soon. We're heading there pretty quickly. There will be no value to truth in the future. There will be a collective split of realities. Some people will live in one. Some people will live in another.

A lot of people will have one foot in each world. I mean, it's going to splinter. There will be no more one reality. We're heading into, and I'm not trying to sound like an LA, you know, Looney Tune. We're heading to a place where people don't really have an interest in realities that don't confirm to their thoughts, ideas, opinions. Beliefs. They want to live in their own reality. Some people are going to live in their own reality.

And your reality is going to come with your own media, your own figures, your own gods, your own deities, your own myths. You know, it's going to come with all of these things. It's going to be prepackaged and sold to you. And you're no longer going to need any objectivity because it won't exist. Your reality is going to come fully fleshed out, just waiting for you to absorb it and become it wholly, totally, completely. There will be no more compromise. There will be no more truth, no more objectivity. There will only be the fucking darkness that you'll live in for the rest of your days until your physical body decides to quit.

Another fun thing on Easter is a quiche. Like, if you do a ham and cheese or quiche Lorraine, you could do one with vegetables and or something like that because they are, that is kind of a fun appetizer. Enjoy the holiday.