The Tim Dillon Show - 198: 198 - I'm A Hero

Episode Date: May 3, 2020

Tim has a confrontation with a cop, goes in on celebrity quarantine shows, and gives the real graduation speech everyone now deserves. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ and order with PROMO CODE Tim to get 20% off your first order https://www.expressvpn. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. My red nose is because I got a sunburn. It is not an indication of a relapse on alcohol, even though that would be called for, given the news. I think nobody could really blame me if I decided to throw a decade of sobriety away in the current climate. I'm not doing that. However, you know.

So it's a sunburn. That's what it is. I was out today in a beach town in Los Angeles and Manhattan Beach, and I was with a friend and we're walking around. And here's the deal now with the face masks. You know, we're all wearing them as chin straps because nobody wants to put them over their face because they're disgusting. I mean, they're gross.

You breathe in them. It's, what are we doing? You can't get air. See, when you wear the face mask, you can't breathe. It's 90 degrees. So not breathing shouldn't be part of the strategy to help the sickness. I understand in situations when you're around people, it's the right thing to do. So I have it just so I could slip it up if I need be.

If someone walking by me looks particularly panicked or I have to run into a grocery store, I have the, I put the mask up, but everybody, you know, I'm in Manhattan Beach. People are not wearing masks. Some people are jogging. They're on bikes. Here's the thing with the lockdown out here in Cali. It's busting at the seams. I mean, people are on the road.

People are out. They're going to the beach. People want out, man. They've been in their house. It is beautiful weather. People spend a lot of money to live here and they've had enough. Doesn't mean coronavirus is fake. Doesn't mean it won't kill you if you get it.

Doesn't mean that it's not serious if you get it, but people have had enough. Domestic violence is skyrocketing. People are just, which I am somewhat surprised. I thought being a domestic abuser was somewhat a fixed personality trait. Like if you beat your kids, you beat your kids. It wasn't contingent upon them being home more or less. Like if you hit your wife, you found time to hit your wife. That's what I thought.

Literally. That's what I believed. I had no, everyone's like, domestic violence is skyrocketing. I was like, why? I guess people are becoming domestic abusers during this period of time. I guess stresses are running high. The kids are around. And I guess what happens is every day, day in, day out, the nagging at a wife, the disrespect

of the kid, after a while you start going, you start seeing the real limit of words. You start wondering, you start saying yourself, you know, words are really not what I need at the moment. I need to give somebody a little reminder who the boss is. Now, it's not right, but that's happening and it's happening at a, it's startling how much domestic abuse is going up. It's odd. I thought if you were that guy, you were that guy.

I guess maybe it's that guy beating them more and woman too. I don't want to be, I want to be inclusive. There are women also beating their children and probably beating their cuck husbands and maybe beating their wives. I don't, I don't want anyone not, I don't want anyone listening to the show to think I'm saying that domestic violence is primarily a man's thing. There's tons of proud women that also engage in just flogging their family, beating the blood out of their family when things don't go the way they want.

So don't for a minute think I'm only, but it's largely male, right? I mean, I'm sure that that's, and that's going up. People are upset about that. There's domestic violence because that's, that's the big conversation. They're like the economy. It's the thing they always bring up to like the economy. We're heading towards a great depression, all true, by the way, all true. I know you want me to be positive on the program and I've, you know, you know, I'll tell you

about, I had a good burger today. We'll get into that later. It's not all bad, but we are looking at, I mean, the statistics are not favorable, right? So for me to say that I would be, you know, lying. It's other than the economy, people, you know, when we talk about the cost of the lockdown, people bring up suicide and domestic violence and suicide goes up and I get that suicide goes up and then also domestic vibe. People go, the domestic violence is going to just, I mean, this is when you talk with

people, they go, they go, they go domestic violence is going and I'm like, are you hitting your chill? Like what are you confessing to me? But I guess that's what happens. I'm not doubting it. So the lockdown in the beginning, I understood, hey, it's a new virus. We don't know what the fuck's going on. I still understand it.

I still understand it. Dude, New York is being ravaged and if you don't know people in New York, you're not talking to people in New York, you're unaware of what's going on. There's people dying. You know, there's like 23 year olds dying and then people go on my Facebook and be like, but that person had a pre-existing condition and I'm like, you're 600 pounds. You're on Facebook, you are a pre-existing condition. What are you talking about?

I got fat people saying, yeah, well, that guy's probably had diabetes. You, what? So the idea though, the country is full of pre-existing conditions. You can disagree with the lockdown or say we overreacted or say that there's a better way without being a complete idiot and not realizing that there's people that are in body bags, okay, but let's be honest, roll, roll, set up, roll, get a little sick of it and we're busting at the seams, people are out. In the beginning, you know, human nature is funny because in the beginning I understand

the, because my whole thing was like, hey, morally, I don't want to infect somebody else that's an older person. I perform with a lot of people that are decades older than me. I don't want to infect somebody that is diabetic or somebody that's vulnerable or has MS or and kill somebody because I'm going to, I'm an idiot and I need to be out eating a pokeball. I felt like that was a, that's a character issue. You know, take a chill pill, do some Netflix, calm down, but then, you know, this goes on and on and on and you're like, what the fuck are we going to do?

People are running out of money, they gave you $1,200, there's no money left, there's no money anyway. There's no money on the outside. We're going to find that out soon too, but let's, that's, let's wait a few weeks for that episode. Everyone's like, open it up. It's like, okay, we'll see. But people are, are, are, and the thing with human nature is human nature is funny.

You know, whenever you give people the smallest idea that they're doing something altruistic or that they're doing something for the greater good, they will literally justify any state. That's when they'll just go and commit a genocide. If they think that they are doing something that's for the good of society and you just give them that, you go do this and police each other, rat on each other, turn into citizen informants, turn into brown shirts, run around like the Stasi, yelling at kids on skateboards and pointing to people's faces and go, where's your mask? Those are the people that put you in the camp.

They are. Those are the people that throw you in a camp. And that's what you're seeing. Human nature goes there within a few weeks. Within a few weeks, people were relishing their new roles as the enforcers of the quarantine. They were calling the police on their neighbors. They were yelling at children who were standing too close to each other. They were just anybody that was having any public enjoyment out there in the world, they

were going to go and try to rob them of that. And now I had to run in today to run it with a cop, run it with a cop. And I'm starting to notice that the police now, after 9-11, everybody got really important. Doorman in buildings in New York thought they were part of the Homeland Security Department. Everybody thought they were important, just like you know now with the essential worker and everybody's a hero. Thank the hero. It's 8 o'clock.

The hero. Thank you. Who are the heroes again? We don't even know. The doctors. Did it make it 300 grand a year? The nurses. The guy at Home Depot.

Who's the hero? Door dash. Everyone's a hero? Am I a hero? Can I be a hero? I left my house today. Can I be a hero? Hey, I went to Home Depot.

I bought something. Can I be a hero? I go to the grocery store. Who's the hero? We don't know who's a hero anymore. I got it. The nurses are working hard. I bought you food.

Enough. The point is this. The heroes are getting a little out of control now. They're getting out of hand. Calling people heroes apparently does something that's not really that positive. That's why you never call your kids heroes because they turn into monsters. If your son or daughter does something good, you don't sit down and go, you're a hero. You don't say that, do you?

No, you say, good job, Bobby. Good job you shared with your sister. You don't go, you're a hero because then Bobby would turn around and go, I'm a hero, mom. I shared with her and it's like, well, no, Bobby, that's what you should do. No, I'm a hero. I mean, so the TikToks, and I get it, they're blowing off steam, but it's highly inappropriate. Widely inappropriate to blow off steam and many nurses agree with me. Many of them.

They're aghast at the behavior of some of these nurses, aghast. And I'll say it again, to delivery people that are not getting the food to the homes in time are not behaving in a heroic manner. Your dash is not behaving in a heroic manner. They're not. So the reality is, we got to be a little careful with that word because we throw it around. We throw it around. After 9-11, every cop and firefighter was a hero.

Every cop. And then they started choking black people out because they were having cigarettes in the street. So let's be careful with the word hero. There are real heroes, but it's an individual thing. You know, when you brand everyone, everyone's a hero that's, you know. So I bumped into one of those heroes today in Manhattan Beach, one of the heroes out there on a go-kart, being heroic on his little go-kart.

Guarding Manhattan Beach, guarding the wealthy hamlet of Manhattan Beach, California. Okay? Whose biggest crime is when a seagull bothers someone. Like Manhattan Beach, they file a report for like an aggressive seagull. That's the type of community this is, okay? A fucking shack in Manhattan Beach is $6 million. Okay? Now I like Manhattan Beach because I like wealthy hamlets that I cannot be legally kept out

of, which is Manhattan Beach. They have to let me come there. I patronize the restaurants. I know the owners of the restaurants. There's a lot. The best seafood restaurant in LA is in Manhattan Beach. It's called Fishing with Dynamite. We go there all the time.

And they have another restaurant down there and I hunted them down. And I kind of walked into their other restaurant and I was like, what's, hey, when's the other one opening? And they were like, when the lady was British, she's like, it's coming soon. I was like, good. And I got food from their sister restaurant, but Fishing with Dynamite's great. And so I'm in Manhattan Beach and there is no cars on the road. And I'm with a friend of mine.

There's no cars on the road. And there's a red hand signal that you shouldn't cross the street, which applies when there are cars. Rules and laws are conditional. You know, they are there to govern. When you have a quarantine and no one's really out driving in that particular area at that time, it's not essential for me to follow this rule. It's a stupid rule.

But, you know, that's why I'm not a hero. I'm not a hero because I, I made a real time judgment call to walk across the street and a hero, a man who is standing beside standing between me and the breakdown of the civil order decided to come up to me in his go-kart or whatever he's fucking driving around in. And he's like, hey, what are you doing? You know, when he looked like the way cops look would like the flat top hair. I mean, you know, just, you know, the guy that just, just barely got the job on the foot.

It's why he doesn't have a car. That's why he's in the go-kart. He's extra angry. He's got to fucking be tough. He's that guy, you know? So he goes, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm crossing the street. I'm crossing the street.

And he's like, he points to the fucking, he's like a Neanderthal. He points to the fucking red, you know, dealing with this monster. So he points to the red, and I go, yeah, I know, but there's no cars. And he goes, rules are rules. That's what he says. He goes, rules are rules. And then he goes, go back to the other side of the street. I'm like, what?

Really? And he made me walk back to the other side of the street I was on and stand there and then wait. And then he was sizing me up, giving me that weird look like, am I going to put this guy in jail or not? And it's like, this is the type of attitude that these people have because we, we're now called everybody's a hero. And we've, we've decided that they are, they are standing between us and the breakdown

of civil society. And that they are, they are now, and they, they become brown shirts very quickly. They, it's just in their nature. Do they love every cop I, every guy I know that became a cop is somebody who just loves, he's either sell, they're insecure people. Not all of them, but a lot of them are. There's great cops out there, really good detectives, but, but there's, there's an element of the police force which stems from deep insecurity.

I know a lot of guys are like, going to be like big athletes and then toward their rotator cuff, another driver on Penn, Penn station in a, in the little go-kart thing and their cops and like, they're not happy. They're not happy. That's not the way they want to like to work out. Doesn't mean they're necessarily bad cops, but they're dicks. And when they can be a dick to you, they're a fucking dick. Okay.

And this guy was being a dick. And you know what I was trying to fucking do? I was going to the Manhattan Beach Creamery, the ice cream shop to find out what flavors were vegan and keto. That's what I was doing because I wanted to bring ice cream to the nurses and the doctors. That's what I was doing. And I bought a lot of ice cream for the nurses and the doctors. And then I realized it was melting because it was 90 degrees and I had to eat it.

But I, I, it was for the ER. It was for the heroes. It was for the heroes. The popsicles were for the heroes. And this douchebag in his go-kart patrolling Manhattan B. I just, I can see something happening that's not good. I can feel it. I can feel it in the scowls of the people when someone doesn't have a mask.

I can feel it. You know, the old has been turned against the young now. You know, and I look 17. I'm 35, but I look like a teenager. I present like a healthy teenager. So I am getting scowls from people because they're like, you're flaunting health privilege is going to be next, by the way. It was white privilege. It was male privilege. Health privilege is coming.

Get ready for that. If you're not 600 pounds with 19 problems, you're going to be an issue. You're going to be an issue. Don't you come here? Do you have gangrene on your foot? And you shut your mouth. I only want to hear people where tumors are growing inside them as we speak. That's what's happening next.

That's going to be the new form of identity politics. It'll be somebody on stage talking about that they have 19 tumors. That's going to be the new version of Nanette. I've got a tumor. I've got 14 tumors. They're called comorbidities. They're pre-existing. That's the new, it'll be called pre-existing.

And listen, I could be dead in a week from this virus or a host of other things. So I'm not saying that this shit isn't serious. You shouldn't take it seriously. But let the kids skateboard. Let them go to the beach. Maybe they don't live with old people. A lot of kids live with elderly people. Some of them don't.

Listen, man, I don't know the best way forward. I said before, I'm like, if we fling the doors open, maybe there is a lot of bloodshed and carnage. I don't know. But this idea that we're going to close every public space and force people to not be, the mental health effects of telling people they can't be in nature and they can't be in places that genuinely calm them down and make them better and they can't exercise and they can't do things like that for years? What's the plan?

Do you know bad domestic violence? That's bad. People are wailing on their kids and their wife. And the molestations are going up. Is that what they say? You would think that's another fixed personality trait. You would think that that's, I would think there's not too many people. I guess there's guys sitting around on their couch going,

I'm going to fuck my family if this doesn't end in a week. I'm going to really get in everybody's fucking ass, literally, if this does not end in a week. There's guys looking at Gavin Newsom and you're like, you better lift these restrictions because I'm about to go room to room in this house with my dick out. I've never thought about it before, but I'm going to start beating and molesting my family if I cannot go out and have a sit-down meal. I want to sit down and be served.

If not, everybody's getting raped in this family. You would think that that, you'd think that's a fixed personality trait. Apparently, so much is up for grabs in this environment. I didn't know that. It's harrowing, haunting, it's haunting. But I don't like the direction it's going in. I don't like the direction burgers are going in. Calm down with the burgers.

The gourmet burger, we got to put the brakes on it. I had a burger today, which was good. But the caramelized onions and the smoky chipotle, there's nothing better than a grizzly burger off a fucking grill in the backyard with a slice of American yellow cheese on a little potato bun, a little bit of ketchup. There's nothing better than that while touting yourself off because you're just swam in a pool and you're sitting there

and you got the grass under your feet and you're just eating a burger in maybe somebody else's yard. You didn't pay for anything, you know, because you live in hell. You don't have a setup like this. You've made a friend. You can pretend it's your life for a few hours on a Sunday. That's great. You don't, you don't need all the accoutrements.

You got to calm down. There's nothing better than, and that's coming back. The house parties are coming back. The summer barbecues are coming back because people I don't think are going to be going out this summer the way that they were. People are going to be, you know, they're going to be in smaller groups. It's the summer to get a friend. Get a friend.

Many of you are fucked. Get a fucking friend. Get an idea. Get a clue. I would start fucking looking at that Facebook. Start scrolling that Facebook. Where's the pool? Start messaging people you have not spoke to in six years.

It does not matter. Just say, I just want, I want to know if coronavirus has affected your family. And I just wanted to pray for you. I just wanted to pray for you. Whatever you have to say to get in their good graces, you better do it. You got two fucking months. You got two months before it's, you know, it's go time. You know?

A lot of people are making adjustments. Ben was going to have a wedding. Ben didn't choose not to have his wedding. When was the date of your wedding? April 25th. So Ben chose to surrender his civil rights and not have his wedding. And it was in the state of Texas. He could have showed up with his fianceing guns.

Because they, you know, they're really only accountable to the Lord. But he chose. Now he doesn't get a wedding present because of that. And you understand why, right? You've explained to me. I've explained it to you, but now other people have sent you a wedding present. They have, yeah. Most have.

Most. I mean, most, most, most people are animals. Like they crawl. No, you don't get a wedding present without a wedding. It's not the way it works. You don't get a birthday present without a birthday. You don't get a graduation present without a fucking graduation party. And by the way, if, if, if, if, if, you know, they're doing a new show.

Did you hear this? Because I'm convinced now, and I, I almost think this is hilarious. I think the big studio heads and the people that are making decisions in Hollywood are so Republican and conservative behind the scenes that the new things they're doing are, they're almost trolling with the new shows that they are coming up with. Go to the Hollywood reporters, Twitter. I love this new show that is coming out is if, if the Trump campaign wanted an ad, a perfect ad, keep going down, you'll find it.

If they wanted an ad, it would be this show. It would be this show. It absolutely is. Here it is. No, keep going down. I mean, it's one of those things where it is, it's like the imagine video, but a show. It's like somebody who watched the imagine video and said, you know what, what if this could happen every week?

I mean, it's so fucking crazy. How much does the Hollywood reporter tweet? Yeah, we're like 10 hours in the timeline here. We're 10 hours in the timeline. Just fucking some Hollywood shut down. How, I mean, how much can they fucking tweet? Jesus. What the fuck?

I mean, dude, this is who runs a Hollywood reporter's Twitter account. Somebody on cocaine, of course. Somebody doing blow. All right. So here we go. This is the, the, the Trump campaign ad here. Listen to this. Fox, Fox makes you think.

Fox is greenlit 10 episodes of an unscripted series called celebrity watch party, which as its name implies, will feature famous people in their homes discussing the biggest shows and news events on TV in the past week. I mean, are you fucking insane? Are you fucking insane? We are in a pandemic. We've got 30 million people unemployed. We're on the fucking brink of a great depression and you're going to have a show where celebrities

sit in their mansions and discuss the news of the day. Are you, do you want Trump to ever be out of office? I mean, do you, do you just want Trump to become Putin and just not leave? Because that's where we're. Celebrity Watch Party is set to premiere May 7th with its debut episode featuring Rob Lowe, Meghan Trainor, Joe Buck, Raven Simone, Master P and Romeo, Jojo Siwa, Steve Wozniak, Curtis Stone, Robert and Kim Herjavec, Herjavec. I'm going to give money to Candace Owens soon.

I mean, do you understand where I'm at now? I'm very, very close to giving serious money to Candace Owens and bringing her on this program. Listen to this. Studio, uh, Lampert, CEO, Steven Lampert, Limpair, whatever. We're delighted so many famous people love the idea of this show and want to be a part of it. It's a show which asserts the indispensable role of TV in the fabric of people's lives

and the way it's at the heart of the nation's weekly conversations, especially in these unusual times. Huh? It asserts the indispensable role of TV in the fabric of people's lives. What? And the way it's at the heart of the nation that these people are so fucking out of it that they think people give a fuck about what Raven Simone has to say about the fucking COVID-19.

Is anyone sitting at home going, what does Meghan Trainor have to say? Hey, where's Rob Lowe on ventilators? Hey, hey, where's Master P on Remdesivir? Does anyone know if Master P and Romeo have anything to say about hydroxychloroquine? What about celebrity chef Curtis Stone? Does he have an idea? What does Curtis Stone think about Biden's sexual accuser, Tara Reid? Hey, Steve Wozniak, you think Biden put a finger in?

What the fuck is wrong? They, I mean... So what is the show? Dude, there might have been a high-level Illuminati meeting in Hollywood that said, listen, if Trump's not reelected, we have nothing. I mean, dude, I'm not even fucking kidding. There might have been a high-level Illuminati meeting in Hollywood where they went, everything has gone up since he's been elected.

And everything was failing before that, including Twitter, SNL, news programs, comedy programs, lots of late-night shows, Colbert, lots of our landmark properties. They've all grown tremendously in the era of Trump. We cannot lose. If Biden comes in, we're fucked. We need Trump to win. And they're all sitting there, and they're, you know, it's some Bel Air mansion. They're all sitting there.

They're smoking cigars or whatever, and they're looking at each other, and they're like, how do we, how do we guarantee that Trump wins again? And they go, what if, what if there was a show where Raven Simone talked about coronavirus from a mansion with Rob Lowe and Master P and just celebrities? Like, they were like, what if every week we went to a celebrity's home in a state and then film them on their couch discussing the news of the day? And they're all like, you're all kind of like, you know, Sniffer's a brandy. They're like, this is kind of a good idea.

They're like, but we need them to talk about more than pop culture. Like, they have to talk about the news. Yes. And then one guy goes, and they don't know anything about the news, but they'll have a kind of offensive opinions. They go, yes. And we need them without any of their handlers. We can't really be scripted.

They need to have just crazy off the cuff takes that half make sense. They have to be annoyingly liberal and completely out of touch. And if we do that week after week, we can pretty much guarantee that Donald walks right back into that office and we sit right back. I'm telling you right now, I'm telling you right now, I know this is conspiracy thinking, but I'm not that wrong. This doesn't make sense. This show does not make sense.

This is crazy. This is genuinely crazy. And something is behind this. If it's a brilliant Republican mole in fucking one of these networks, bravo. Hots off. Because I didn't even see the show yet. I read the description, the Hollywood Reporter, and I'm about to give, I'm about to take all the money out of my bag again, give it to Kansas Owens.

I'm about to give the money and sponsor a Kansas Owens goes on tour calling the virus fake. After seeing this fucking thing. They don't learn these people. They don't learn. Bush, George W. Bush, learn. He paints silently in his house in Texas. And he just chills. And every now and then he pops up with Ellen.

He's somewhere at a football stadium. While he's passing a message along to her from whatever to fuck those two were involved in. I mean, I'm telling you right now, folks, something real weird about a show like that. It's kind of interesting. TV is not at the heart of anyone's fucking life. Can you stop the fabric of their life? It's not. Everybody's online now.

Everybody watches everything on fucking YouTube. Yes, occasionally people watch the masked singer and shows like that. Yes, TV has more resonance than I would expect in middle America. But the majority of people are online. It's very funny to think about. It's very, very interesting, you know, but you know, we move on. We move on, folks, to bigger and better things, to greater things, you know? We will all make it through this.

And by all of us, I mean 18% of us, roughly, 18 to 20%. We can't really tease the thing we're going to maybe launch, right? We can't do that. No. No. Okay. Good. But I did want to get into this, too.

I did want to talk about a few other things. I mean, that Hollywood show, I mean, that's just simply amazing to me. But that's what happens, you know? I mean, this is what happens when people don't learn their lesson. It's just like fat people. Fat people don't learn their let's why they stay fat. It's just you don't learn your lesson as a fat person. From authority on that is you don't learn your fat.

People don't learn their lesson. Fat people don't get to have control. They don't get to make choices. Any, and I've said, I talked about this before on the show, know every diet to market itself to fat people that's like, it's your choice. And there's so many choice. It's like, no, fat people are fat because they make the wrong choices. Take away their power of choice.

They should get no choice. You know who had no choice? The kids that worked in work houses and they ate gruel. None of them were fat because they didn't have a bountiful harvest of choices. We don't need an American. We have this bountiful harvest. You know, if people are saying to me the other day, they're like, why is art? Like, why is so much of it garbage?

And it's like, well, how much great art comes out of a country with 400 kinds of cheesecake? How deep are people really digging in themselves? When there's 400 kinds of cheesecake, you can name 100 kinds of cheesecake off the top of your head right now. If you had to, if you had to write down 70 kinds of cheesecake, 80 kinds of cheesecake, it would take you maybe 10 minutes and you could write it down easily, easily.

Okay. You could barely name one healthcare company. You'd be like Blue Cross, Blue Shield. And then they'd be like, okay. And then you'd be like, ah. But you could name 70 kinds of cheesecake. So yeah, it's like, how much art's really going to, have you been binge anything in quarantine?

I watched the Americans, which is a great show, which again, made by accident. I didn't see that. Yeah. Well, it's made by accident. Everything good in this country happens by accident. It's made by accident. Everything should be Santa Clarita diet. Like everything in this country should be a show about zombies where people have

with straight faces have to say, this is a show about Drew Barrymore eating clams from Serbia and turning into a zombie and eating people in her neighborhood. That's what every show in this country should be. But occasionally by accident, they make the Sopranos or the wire or breaking bed. But it's primarily Santa Clarita diet, which is about a zombie who eats people in Santa Clarita, California. That's the show. And I even watched some of it, you know, and I watched some of it and some of it wasn't

horrible. It was kind of a fun. I'm not saying every show has to be good, but that's where the majority of things are. They just, they take an idea and they just dumb it down because they're the Hollywood's opinion of Americans and they're not all wrong. But Hollywood's opinions of Americans are like shapeless blobs that can't really move and can't really speak and just kind of sit in couches and go like this. Like that's what Hollywood thinks Americans are.

Just shapeless beast people that just eat like frozen food in the container. They don't even heat it up in their microwave. They just start gnawing on it. They just eat fast food. Hollywood's American viewer is a 600 pound shapeless, massive flash sitting in a throne made of fast food wrappers with a fucking MAGA hat on. That's what Hollywood thinks everyone in America is. So they go, what will be interesting for them?

Oh, let's do a show about zombies. They like eating. And they're like, well, the word diets in the title, that'll turn some of them off. No, but we, as soon as, as soon as we can convey to them that it's about eating people, that's why Santa Clarita diet, all of the things about it were like a hand in a multure. Because then people were like, Oh, this isn't a show about eating cucumbers. It's about people eating each other. I'll watch that.

Have you been bingeing anything during the quarantine? That's, that's been good. I got into Better Call Saul. And you said it's as good as Breaking Bad. Now that most people would disagree with you. But I'm, I told you, I'm like on the 13th episode, you said it starts to fall off. But Bob Onakirk's very good. I do like the show.

What do you think he's giving you a job? He is great. He's great. He's great. No, he's not giving me a job. Giving anyone a job. Lunch with the guy who runs his production company. Thanks for the lunch, by the way.

Appreciate that. It's good. You know, it's one of those lunches. They go, yeah, well, good luck with everything. It's nice. I get it. I get it. I have a lot of lunches.

People go, because I think people like the idea of me. So they want to go out with me and talk about ideas. It'll, you know, it just is what it is. And then when it's time to like actually do a thing, they go, no, no, no, no, no. That's because I might say something funny. That's the biggest problem with my career is that I wasn't asked to do any of these coronavirus benefits, by the way. Listen to what I was going to do.

This is funny. All of these coronavirus, they asked Norman, they asked Samuel, great comics, but they don't ask me. Now here's what's fun. This is guys. Do you see the humor in this? I get asked to do the coronavirus benefit and my bit, because I don't believe this, but my bit, my reoccurring bit is that I think the virus is fake.

And I think the nurses are actors and I keep bringing that up during the benefit and I keep suggesting that we storm the hospital with weapons. Now as a bit, because I'm a comedian, that's hilarious. That is, it is hilarious to go. Now do say something heartfelt. You're, you're a celebrity comedian. Say something heartfelt about why we should support the coronavirus people. And I'm going to tell you why my idea would have been great.

And they missed out on what could have been a great bit. I've seen a lot of stories on the internet about nurses. Their faces have welts and sores on them from the mass. They're working 18 hour shifts. They're, they're very tired. We need to reach out to these people and provide support in this time of need. I appreciate that. I think we have to really start asking the tough questions about this disease and about

those marks on their faces specifically and where those marks came from. And if those marks could have come from makeup. So I know that a lot of people are donating tonight to help the nurses and the doctors, but I just want to ask you a question. Want to ask you a question out there. If this is a real pandemic and people are really sick. Why do I drive by hospitals and not see bodies burning on the street? You know, the other thing is like, you're going to,

and now they're going to have the celebrities give the kids graduation speech. By the way, here's the thing with the graduation speeches, folks. There's never been a time in our society where the graduation speech has meant less. Okay. Information is everywhere. If your kid wants information, they can get it. Information's been democratized. College is kind of a scam now.

Like there's definitely a more cost effective way to do college. But the idea of like somebody like what? Like the people that are giving these kids like commencement speeches are like Jimmy Fallon and Ellen. It's like, and like the CEOs of companies, it's like, guys, that's not going to help you out right now. We're heading towards a world that's going to look very differently. You need to have a homeless person give the commencement speech at the college so that a lot of these kids are going to know what's happening. They literally need a homeless man to get up there with like a Vietnam vet homeless guy to get up there who's like two shoes, but like they're both kind of falling off and he's dirty.

And he's fucking, you know, he asked for a cigarette before he starts and you give him a cigarette and he's like, it's fucking. What is this? Well, where are we? And then he goes into it and he tells you the real shit, you know, tells you the real shit. He goes, I went to Vietnam. Country doesn't give a shit. I came back. I started fucking this hooker.

I had a kid, you know, we bought a house. She went insane because there's no mental health care in the country. She burned the house down. I ran out with my two children in the street. Luckily, our neighbor was one of these Christian freaks. She was a real freak and was kind of annoying, but she took me and my kids in that night. My wife is dead because she burned the house down because she didn't get any mental health care. She was hooking because she was molested by her father who ironically was in the church.

She was a deacon, not a priest, but a deacon who used to molest his daughter. That's probably why she liked me. She liked fucked up men. That's just the way it is. So we started fucking and she was fertile. I mean, she was Puerto Rican. I mean, fucking fertile. They just shit out kids, these Puerto Ricans.

And we had two of these motherfuckers and then she burnt the fucking house down in the middle of the night. I was pretty fucked up. I'm not going to lie. I'd been on a coke bender for like three days and pretty drunk. So what happened was I felt the flames. They were touching my feet and I woke up and I'm like, I hope my kids aren't burned. I hope they're not burned. So I ran into their room and they were sleeping like angels.

I mean, literal angels. It was the only moment I believed in God. And as soon as I had that awakening where I believed in God, I thought immediately of the devil because I saw the flames. That's the duality of man, isn't it? The duality of life, God and the devil. And then I ran outside and my ass was still kind of hot because the flames caught onto my jeans. And I was always like breathing fire because I was drinking whiskey that night trying to get to sleep. They had to the coke bender.

So I'm in the middle of the street half naked with these two kids. Their mother is being burned to death in the house. The fire department didn't come because we live in the fucking Bronx. So they waited for the fucking whole house to go up. So then finally my fucking freak Christian neighbor comes out, took my kids and got them closed. Those kids went into foster care, went to the state. They found me later, told me I fucked up their whole life. One of them is in jail.

The other one's somewhere out on the fucking street, man. I had a security coward job for like half a year in 96. I don't really know what's been happening since anyway. So I just want to say to the class of 2020 that just onward and upward, brighter things are ahead. And a lot of people end these things by saying the most important lesson I've learned and the most important lesson I've learned in my life is kind of to just say fuck it. And then he would light a cigarette and then he leaves the digital graduation. And then that's really, that's a great, and then just stunned, stunned, soulless TikTok youth

in their fucking rooms with their parents, their fucking parents, sitting there mouth agape, some of them giggling, some of them floored, staring at each other being like what the fuck just happened. That would be so much of a more valuable commencement speech than some fucking celebrity who's there to talk about how you just have to keep going and then eventually Lauren Michaels will see enough with that shit. Tell them what it really is. Tell them what they've won. Bill Gates does a speech. He goes, there's a needle under everyone's chair.

It's already pricked you in the ass. And we're going to see how, now you all, we're going to see here during my speech, we're going to study your reactions and see what happened. Is the vaccine coming? We don't know, folks. We don't know. Maybe it's coming. It's kind of a fantasy. The more I read about it, the more the idea of a vaccine to a virus like this in any type of reasonable amount of time seems like a fantasy. Also, the antiviral drugs almost seem like a fantasy. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a virologist. I'm not an immunologist. I don't work in the pharmaceutical industry.

But from what I've heard and what I can tell, this seems to be something that we might have to learn kind of to live with. We might have to mitigate its effects, somehow figure out a way to deal with this, treat it like a seasonal flu, if that's at all possible. Doctors are going to learn about this and learn how to treat it. But I do think we're edging inevitably towards a conflict with China. I don't know how that conflict is going to manifest, but I think it's coming. A lot of U.S. and other countries, their companies or manufacturers are leaving China. China was a hub for manufacturing. Well, the jobs that left America went to China.

And, you know, man, just is what it is. I just want to inject a little dose of reality into a world that I think, you know, there's a lot of money to not be. There's so much more money in bullshit on this planet. There's so much more money in it, which is understandable. But, you know, I just think it would be funny to have a homeless Vietnam veteran to all the caught. By the way, no, no, everyone gets the same. Every college gets the same speech, and it's this one guy. It's just one fucking guy, and he does the speech.

Every single college gets the same speech. Every group of kids, all these, you know, I see that my friends, little brothers and sisters are like, yeah, roll tide, Alabama's like, well, we'll see. We'll see. I don't know if school is going to be back in there in September. I hope so, because if not, everyone's going to be beaten and raped. That's, I mean, that's apparently what's going on. There's just beatings and molestations going on.

If a family has to sit together in the house for more than 48 hours, dad gets a little weird. Yeah, my dad had never displayed any inclination towards that kind of behavior, but around week three of the quarantine, he started getting weird, you know? He started getting odd, you know? He started just playing incest porn on the family TV and asking us if we liked it. If we didn't, he used to just beat the shit out of us. Up until this, he had been a great dad. But this is what happens.

This is what happens when somebody can't go out and have a nice sit-down meal. It's a problem. Food is not meant to be takeout. You're not meant to eat out of boxes and bags like a dog. You're not meant to do it. You're not meant, all these high-end restaurants that are doing takeout. You're not meant to eat a ribeye out of a tin. You're not meant to eat a ribeye out of a tin.

For the love of God. It's a fucking tin. You're meant to eat Chinese food and pizza takeout. Not even sushi. Barely sushi. I know you all love takeout. And I eat it, too. But it's not meant...

You're meant to dine like a person. The food should go from the pan to the plate to your mouth in a reasonable amount of time. Not everything can't be put in a tin in a bag for you. You slurp it out like a dog. Fuck Mastros. Mastros takeouts at Beverly Hills is running a human trafficking ring. We got rid of swingers.

We're done now. Sorry, swingers. Sorry, your vegan nuggets or whatever the fuck you were serving. That faux retro embarrassing diner. And your tattooed staff. A fucking Avril Lavigne wannabes. Or whoever the hell they thought they were going to buy. Enough.

They thought they were the pixies or something. The staff walking around there. Hey, calm it down. Calm it down and get the omelet, please. You're not living in LA cool life. Okay. Oh, my life's like a movie. No, it's not.

It's not like a movie. It's very much like the... I don't have my omelet. That's what your life is like. Put a smile on your face. Stop being brooding and dark and complex. You have not a thought in your head. You have not a thought in your head.

My music's really about, hey, shut up. And get the cake. I feel bad that they closed, but... I missed a meatloaf. They had good turkey meatloaf, but the reality of the situation is I was in a war with them. And I was in a war with the don't go...

Hey, restaurants, don't go to war with me. Don't go to war with me. It's not a good move. Not a good move. Bad things seem to happen to the restaurant. Because I know. I know what's going to happen. There are certain restaurants I love.

Craigs in Beverly Hills. Phenomenal. They've been delivering food and it's been phenomenal. You know? I think they have a bright future. But Swingers... Not good. They didn't treat people nicely. They treated people...

I went in one day and this is a famous old episode we did called The Big Booth. I went in and I said I want to sit at a bigger booth and they said there was no one in the restaurant because you have to have a group of six to sit at that. And I was like, oh, you just like the cop in Manhattan Beach. You're enforcing rules that don't make sense. You're a brown shirt.

You're a brown shirt. You're a Nazi. And I don't like Nazis. That's not... They're not nice. I like people who are accommodating and you're not being accommodating. So,

Swingers is gone now and it's gone. Sorry. But, I'm going to open a restaurant. I'm going to do it in LA because New York has a lot of good restaurants. Maybe not after that. But I will open a restaurant in Los Angeles and I'm looking for investors and here's the reality.

If you have a lot of money, give it to me and let me open a restaurant. I know what I'm doing. I will make it good. I will make it good. I know how to do it. I know all the ins and outs of the business and I know what has to happen. People like restaurants.

You know? I... Man, I could have saved Swingers. It's just a little faux retro diner on Melrose in LA. Man, I could have saved that place. If they sat down and they said, what should we do?

Tim, how do we do it? How do we do it? I would have fucking told them, man. I would have absolutely told them how to do it. You know? Absolutely. I would have said, take your staff.

Put them in burqas. Head to toe burqas. You want to win in this town? You got to fucking... You got to... You got to go hard in the woke paint. Head to toe burqas.

Head to toe. Only small slits for the eyes. Everybody. I don't care how hot it is. Head to toe black burqas. Men and women. There are no genders. It's a genderless restaurant. Gendered language is banned.

Gendered language is banned. All the food is halal. It is an homage to Islam, which is a religion that loves homosexuals and transgender people. That's what the movies seem like. That's Hollywood.

So we have people in burqas. And then also, we have just gay icons on the wall. Harvey Milk. RuPaul. Gay icons. Jonathan Larson, who wrote

Rent. I don't know if he's an icon or not, but it's a great show. Just gay icons on the wall. Everyone in a burqa. You know? I could have saved it if they asked me. Nobody asked me.

Nobody came to me and said, Tim, how do you turn this around? I know how to turn it around. I know. If you're a restaurant and you're failing, it's because you don't have an Instagrammable dish. If basic white bitches are not pulling out their phones

to take a photo of something in your restaurant, you are going to fail. You are going to fail. White women need to take photos of a dish and spread it around. That needs to happen.

Or you're in trouble. The boomers are now on Tiktok because of the pandemic. They've all discovered Tiktok. It's going to be fun to see how they can be racist on Tiktok. It's going to be interesting to see how my aunt can figure out how to be racist on Tiktok. How is she going to come up with a dance

that shows that she harbors a lot of unsavory ideas? How can she show in a themed dance that she believes that women who've had abortion should be committed?

How can she do that in a Tiktok themed dance? It would be interesting to see, huh? It would be interesting to see how she can show a commitment to a radical Catholicism on Tiktok. Through a themed dance. You know?

How can she show us her pro-family values stance? Her pro-Trump stance, you know? She loves Trump. Politics is sports for people that are just older. You just get into politics. Life has a few stages of it.

And the final one and it starts for some people it starts at 19. The beginning of life is really the spectator stage. You're no longer participating. The job is going to be the job. The family arrangement is going to be the family

arrangement. She's sliding into the spectator phase of your life which I never hope to do. I hope I never do that. Maybe I will. I mean, some very successful people get there. A lot of unsuccessful people get there too.

It's a spectator stage. You know, you're going to be in a rush with people about meaningless horseshit to just buy the time until there's a cancer growth that the doctors can't do anything about and then they zap you. We're all just racing till the end here.

There isn't. We don't get saved. There's no eternal consciousness. Certainly not for us. Not for you people. You're a fucking income bracket. They're not going to freeze you. Some, some are going to get you.

So, until then, you know, there's stages of life. I see them. I was at Manhattan Beach. See the young kids that are in their late teens. They're in like the dream like, wonder like stage of life. Not all of them. Some of them are in private prison.

I know. But a lot of them aren't. And they're in the dream like, wonder like, anything's possible. Everything is in front of you. You don't know what you feel because the things you think are possible are actually not. But you don't know that yet

because you don't know yourself yet. I thought I was going to be like a Navy SEAL or something. I thought I was going to, number one, not only would I, do I not want to do any physical work. I don't... What?

I'm going to go and pretend to kill bin Laden? Like, stop. You know, I thought it's going to be you know, like in the government I was going to work because I liked being on debate team. You don't know yourself. When you're 16 or 17, you barely know yourself. But that's the dream like, wonder like phase

of whatever. And then as you get older, get in your 20s and the 20s is like the work, worky phase where you're like, you're excited to work. Work is exciting in your 20s. Jobs can be exciting. Getting somewhere

is exciting. You're figuring out your love life. You're figuring out what you do. You know, you're figuring it all out and you're, you're figuring out who you are in your 20s and what you want out of life. Now when you're 30s, you're figuring out really who you're not.

That's what you figure out in your 30s, who you're not. Yeah, I ain't going to work that hard. I'm not really going to be that nice to my brother. I'm not really going to call my parents as much as I should. I'm not going to take this bitch's mouth off.

I don't give a fuck. You start figuring out who you're not in your 30s. You start to be like, you know, hey and then eventually you just, you get to a point where you are just a spectator.

And that's a lot of people you see on Facebook that are fighting back and forth. It's a spectator sport. Life has just been distilled into a clever post of life. Well, do you know that Trump canceled the

travel from China? What are you doing? What are you doing? And then the person goes back and the CIA gave him a memo and he didn't do, what did he do with the tar? And it's like, you guys

are fighting about nothing. It's literally nothing. Just go vote. If you think that's the answer. If you still think that's the answer, God bless you. And

go do it. Go do it. Go vote. You pull that lever. Pull the liver in the local library. Where all the scary drag queens are reading. I'm sure one of them will show you. I'm sure Ginger will show you

where the voting is in the library. You pull the lever and you go home and then sit back and sit there in your glory. Sit there after your candidate wins and sit there in your glory. Sit there and really enjoy the glorious victory

that you've won. You rode into town on horseback and you just murdered all the men and fucked all the women and now you're just sitting there with all the gold. All the gold. Enjoy it. Bickering with people.

It's stupid. I see smart people doing it. And they're like, well this is fun. It's not that fun, you know. I talked to one of my friends about it. Like, why are you fighting all the time? He goes, I like it. It's fun. I'm like, it's not...

Why? Get another hobby. Get another... Get another sport. Fighting on Facebook. It's ultimately... No one's mind is being changed by

300 common thread on Facebook. No one cares. Just walk away. Dude, the happiest people I know are people that are so disconnected. Disconnect. Live your own life. Live a life that's not being

given to you in an algorithm by Mark Zuckerberg. Literally. Live that life. Live a life that isn't being designed for you by people in Palo Alto. Live a life like things that aren't being recommended to you by, you know, nameless,

faceless technocrats. Have actual friends that you speak to over the phone or in person. I mean, you know, I don't know what to tell you. You know? If you see that cop,

see that cop at Manhattan Beach, tell him he's a hero. You tell him he's a hero because there's nothing I like more than telling, telling a cop who's risking his life,

risking his life to stop a fat guy halfway across the street and make him go back to the other side of the street. He could be in Compton. You know, Watts. He could be places, he could be in Van Nuys. He could be places with actual problems.

But he's in Manhattan Beach, which is an ideal seaside paradise, driving around on a go-kart. Guarding the ice cream shop. And he thinks he's a hero. And he thinks he's protecting you. And he thinks that he stands behind you

and the dissolution of society. That's a problem. And I don't know how it can be fixed. It probably can't. But that's one of the reasons we need to figure out a way to live with this fucking virus.

I don't know how we're gonna do it, but we gotta figure out a way to live with the virus because I can't have a cop driving around an idealic, beautiful seaside paradise eating a popsicle thinking that he's a fucking hero.

You're not a hero. We should do that in society. So we bang the pans for the heroes. What do we do for the non-heroes? What do we do

for the people that aren't heroes? Should they get anything? Should they get any acknowledgement? Maybe they're heroes in training. Maybe they just need a few hits on the pan to become a hero.

We're ignoring them. But I hope this lockdown begins to come to an end. I hope it does. Because if it doesn't, if the lockdown doesn't come to an end, I don't know many things. But I know

that a lot of women are gonna be pregnant with their father's baby. Good night. And good luck.