The Tim Dillon Show - 199: 199 - Monkey Sex Traffickers

Episode Date: May 10, 2020

Live from a stunning estate in Beverly Hills, Tim contemplates whether health is real, gives his take on Plandemic, monkeys trained as traffickers, and wants to see Adele even skinnier. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: https://magicspoon.com/timdillon use code TimDillon for free shipping! https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon to get three months free Follow the show: Tim J Dill Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, live from a stunning estate, it is the Tim Dillon show. Thank you for joining us. We are here from Beverly Hills, California, in the middle of a nationwide quarantine in response to the pandemic of COVID-19, which we all know is fake. But we are doing our part pretending along with everyone else that there is a disease out there called coronavirus, and that people are dying from it. We know full well, we know full well that everybody who's dying never existed, and that all of the nurses and the doctors are actors, hired by who, by Dr. Anthony Fauci,

by Bill Gates, and Greta Van Sashtra, I don't know, I'm just saying that maybe she's involved. And I learned this all watching pandemic, the YouTube documentary from a thick woman, a thick older lass who looks like she flogs her children after she's had a few cocktails. Of course, the YouTube thugs, whom I respect, thanks for having us, capitulated to social pressure and yanked the documentary off, and I have no, I've never agreed with that method of dealing with misinformation, making it sexier by removing it. People want to hear what I just said. I started the show and I said coronavirus is fake.

People want to hear that. People want to hear that there's an Orwellian plan that's in place. I think that is actually comforting. Instead of the idea that this is a chaotic period of time, it's a mess, nobody knows what's going on. There is no plan. Good or bad. Yes, people are going to use this crisis to accelerate things they wanted to do.

You will leave this crisis with less freedom. You left 9 11 with less freedom. Every day you wake up by the time you go to bed, guess what? You have less freedom. It's true. You're not paying attention to it because you're, you're, you're out. You're doing things. There's some credibility issues with the woman who did pandemic, by the way.

I don't care what you believe. I don't know what I believe is this being overstated, exaggerated, probably. Do we know that? I don't know that. How contagious is it? How transmissible is it? I don't know any of that. I speak to doctors.

I speak to some nurses. I don't know. Please stop messaging me. Pandemic. Okay. Enjoy your life. Find a way to enjoy your life. I'm deadly serious about this.

There's not much of it left. Figure out a way to enjoy your life. And it is not watching pandemic is Fauci shady. He's been a government official for decades. They're all shady. They all make deals. I don't know what Bill and Melinda are doing. I don't know.

I'm sure there's a good with the bed. I don't know if Bill Gates is Satan. I don't think he is. But I'm also not willing to hand a handful of billionaires control over the planet. They've taken it anyway. Whether I'm willing to hand it to them or not, they've got it. You can wrestle it back potentially. But I'm taking this seriously.

I've made a pact with myself. I will not visit my family under any circumstances. I will not attend a family function. I don't care if states open up. I don't care if they find a vaccine. I don't care if coronavirus disappears off the face of the earth. And it's 10 years from now. I still will not do it.

Won't do it. I will not go and spend time with my family because I owe that to the heroes. I owe it to them. I owe it to the heroes to be steadfast in my commitment. I am deleting them out of my phone. They're done. They're done now. People are on Zoom calls with their family.

No thank you. It's too tempting to be on a Zoom call with your family because you might think, hey, down the road, I'm going to visit those people and break bread with them. Not me. No. I'm steadfast. So I'll tell you that. That's very important.

And I want you to know how seriously I'm taking it. For the heroes, even in 10 years, when no one's even mentioned coronavirus, I'm still and many of my family members are under deathbed. I still will honor the work the heroes have done and not visit my family. I've deleted them from my phone. I've gotten rid of them because it is not safe. I will not be sending birthday presents or wedding presents as Ben. I will not send an Amazon package of coronavirus to his home.

No, no, I won't do it. It kills me to not do it. It destroys me as a human being to not do it. All I want to do is give him a present for his wedding he chose not to have. I want to buy him a big whatever. Go on the registry. I don't know what the fuck they want over there. A juicer.

I don't know. I didn't look. But I would give it to them and I'd wrap it in a shiny bow. I would and I'd drop it right at their door and now I can't because it'll be full of Corona balls and I won't do it. I I love giving gifts. I love providing for the people that I care about giving them a thing watching them open it with big bright eyes.

Nothing would make me happier than to give this man a wedding present but I can't do it because why because I don't go in front of a nurse and spit in her face and it would be doing that. I'm not getting any eye even before the pandemic. I don't want to be out in the open and telling people that I kind of knew what was going to go on. But even before this pandemic I was not sending presents to my family through the mail because I know a little bit about virology.

I know a little bit about the way things work. I wasn't just willy nilly sending things through the mail that you're opening up and that could kill you. Sorry. I've been taking them by type this is the new world we're living in and I'm doing it because I want to honor the work that is being done on my behalf. Another thing I'm not doing I am no longer entertaining the idea of having a friend that is not worth ten million dollars.

I'm done with that. Why? Because I want to only be friends with philanthropists that give their money to better society. I want to spend time with people that give it of themselves. They give it what they have it. That's who I'm spending time with. So it's very hard to be a philanthropist if you don't have an eight figure bank account. So that's who I'm choosing to spend my time with because of the Corona pandemic.

That's why. I'm ordering food every day and not cooking because of the economy. I've chosen to not cook or clean or wash dishes because of the Corona pandemic. Yes, I could fry an egg while people starve in the street. I choose not to. I choose to order things even when they're completely unnecessary like napkins and bottles of water. I order them because I want people to live sorry sorry I like a plague with the only

thing I can do is lay on my couch and order postmates. That's what I can do. Other people can do other things. They have different skill sets. Some of them can intubate patients. Some of them can deliver things to the local hospital. I can stay home, order food, not send people presents and not spend any time with family. I choose to do that.

Why because I want to win. I want to win. Can you fight like I'm fighting? Can you fight? Are you going to roll over? Start cooking. Start reaching out to family members and asking them how they are and making plans to eventually see them like a terrorist.

Have a little fucking class. How about that? Stop sending me pandemic. Whether this was planned or not, I've adjusted and I suggest you do too because you're a hero whether you know it or not. I don't know what Anthony Fauci is doing. I've never gotten a flu vaccine and I've never had the flu. What does that mean?

I don't know. I don't know. That's not a scholarly paper. That's not peer reviewed science. I just never walked into a CVS and said get the needle out. I've never walked into a wall. Now Raymond Cump has gotten a lot of flu shots. I don't know.

I don't, I guess he's, and I think he's gotten the flu. I don't know. Some vaccines are good. Some vaccines are bad. That's what it is. I don't know which ones are which. All of you do. All of my friends know everything immediately overnight about Fauci and the World Health

Organization. There is no health. There is no such thing as health. How about that? I'm going to go even further. You want a conspiracy? I'll give you the big one. I'll give you the big, the bigger one.

The biggest one. There is no such thing as health. You're not healthy. There's no such thing. It doesn't exist. Let me prove it to you. Friend of mine was healthy. Got in a car accident and died.

How healthy were they? Didn't handle a little pile up on the Long Island Expressway. Died instantly. Not healthy to me. Adele was fat. Now she's thin. Didn't look good fat. Doesn't look good thin.

Sounds great in both incarnations. Didn't care about her fat. I don't care about her thin. It's good. The songs are good. She sings. She deserves her fame at $150 million. What she looks like doesn't affect you.

Be fat. Be thin. Doesn't matter. Doesn't really matter. It's better to be thin than fat. Better for a lot of people but better. But doesn't necessarily make you healthy. I know a lot of thin people that are fucked.

Don't kid yourself. Thin motherfuckers walking around waiting to drop dead. What is this health? What is it? I don't understand what it is. They go to a doctor's office and they tell you their blood's good. Who are they? I subscribe to, I've never trusted western medicine.

When you start to get to a certain level of wealth and you live in California you get very skeptical of western medicine. I'm starting to connect with the tribes and many of the peoples that I feel are like many white women of a certain means. Age group and denomination of money. I now I'm starting to think about chakras and energy and auras. It's not all bullshit. It's not all bullshit.

People are depressed and anxious in this country and here's what people aren't going to want to hear. Here's what people don't want to understand. There is and I'm going to tell you this is going to sound controversial. People aren't going to like this. There's no such thing as cancer. You just have a bad attitude. Do you understand?

Do you get it? You have a bad attitude. You're cranky and you're negative and that little ball of negativity becomes a cancer. You eat sugar and white bread all day. You crash. You think it's depression and anxiety. It's a bad diet. And then the pharmaceutical companies come in and they try to save you with their medications.

It's a cycle. Your mother, her whole life took over the counter medications, pseudofed. Everything she could get her hands on, pep herself up, put a little pep in her step, clear out her nasal cavity, make her feel better. She had hay fever and allergies and every ailment you could imagine, every plant that was on the planet was conspiring to kill my mother personally. They all had meetings and they wanted to just do her in. Every tree was a potential threat.

Every vine that hung down was a potential deadly situation for my mother unless she could put a few pseudofed down her throat. It's not good. Stop with the dayquil. Stop taking bright orange tablets of goo. Stop drinking Robotocin unless you're a white young rapper. You don't need the over-the-counter shit. My grandmother used to get sick.

You know what she did? She had chicken soup and water and she got over it and they all lived to their late 80s. We have aisles and aisles of fucking shit in the grocery store and the pharmacist. You do not need. You do not need this shit, mucinex. It just alleviates your symptoms. It doesn't cure or heal you. Understand your chakra.

Understand your spirit guides. You don't got a spirit guide? It's because you clog in your mouth up with Robotocin, cut it out of there. Get a spirit guide. My spirit guide is a racist. So I had to get another one. My spirit guide was a very racist being. I didn't realize that when I first got them.

But after a while they started displaying signs that were very troubling. In the beginning it was all they appeared in light and they would, you know, walk me through the gardens of life and they started talking about the protocols of the elders of Zion. I was concerned. I'm now looking for another guide spiritually to take me through the universe. Have you ever felt healthy in a Walgreens? Have you ever walked into a CVS and thought that was a place to vote it to health?

Truly. If you ever walked into a CVS and said, thank God I'm in a place where I can get medicine or a tub of cookie dough. Because that's what drug stores are in America. You can get Vicodin and you can get Red Baron Pizza, which is not bad frozen pizza as they go. But that's what drug stores are in this country. The potions, the soaps.

Your skin is bad because you eat dairy. My skin is bad because I eat dairy. I eat the milk of another animal. It is not healthy. But I do it. My skin gets red. I get rosacea. I get eczema.

And why does that happen? Because of my diet. Because what I consume. And then I go and I get Cereve and all these garbage, bullshit moisturizers and cortisones and your face gets addicted to what you're putting on it and it's bad and it just covers because you're unwilling to realize that the problems are of your own making. Many of them. There is no such thing as AIDS.

Do you understand me? You have AIDS. It's God's way of saying enough already. Enough. Don't always swallow, spittle it out, save a little for later. Don't have it be a foregone conclusion that you just take it all down into your abdomen. For Christ. God's looking at you every time you suck a dick and by the time you get to the end

of it he goes, for Christ, spit a little of it out. Take half of it. Stop taking it all down. Every time it's not Thanksgiving, you're getting AIDS. AIDS is not real. Tony Fauci created AIDS with God. Bill Gates, Tony Fauci and God created AIDS. They have a corporation and they patented the vaccine for AIDS.

Some of what I'm saying here is incredibly important. Some of it is less so. You have to find out what is what. We're in the quarantine. We're in a stunning state. I don't have to tell you any of this. You should be figuring it out yourself. Many of you will never understand what's truly great.

You will not see any value. You're slugs, many of you. It's not my fault. You crawl on the ground. You have it evolved into being that can handle the information that I'm telling you. Multiple sclerosis isn't real. They're just clumsy. They're just clumsy people.

Parkinson's disease is people that want attention. Yeah, we see, we see Uncle Frank. We get it. How about you stop the shaking and come up with a funny anecdote? I've never met a pharmacist who I didn't want to kill. They're rude, thoughtless people. They think they're doctors. You're not.

You sling pills in a fucking Walmart. You're nothing. Western medicine is a problem. I try to align my chakras. Who's your spirit guide? Mine? Yes. Shit.

I'm trying to think. He's fucked. I'm not in touch with my spiritual. You got to align, align. Everyone's like, I need health insurance. You need a fucking clue. You need a clue. It's over.

Stop trying to figure it out out there. Plandemic. It's all bad. The whole thing's bad. I'm just telling you, it is what it is. If you don't want the vaccine, don't take it. Don't get it. If you do want it, get it.

It ain't coming. We're probably not even going to get one. Everyone's worried about the coronavirus vaccine. It's probably not going to happen. They're going to go about it another way. It's just not going to vaccinate you. They're going to just figure out a way to not let you leave your house. I don't know what to tell you.

If you're never allowed to leave your house again, what's the solution? Here it is. Get a stunning estate. Get a stunning estate. If it is not stunning, you're in trouble. The people will help them, by the way. My aunt reached out to me and she's like, she loves disaster porn. So every day she's telling me about new ways COVID can kill you.

You know, it's in a mail, it's in your deck, wherever. And I said, listen, you got to go with God. And then eventually she transitioned very quickly and she's like, there's so many people dying and I just hope realtors can sell houses. I'm trying to sell my house. Always remember where a boomer comes from. A boomer is an animal I've studied for a long time. In every statement of concern, you must study the boomer, understand the way the boomer

thinks, watch the way the boomer moves towards the wine, away from the responsibility. This responsibility over there, away from that, towards the wine, towards the cigar. Ooh, a golf club. The boomer, the boomer in every statement of concern, there is cloaked self-interest. The boomer's inherited the earth and lit it on fire and are now going, it's a little bit hot. It's a little bit hot and I don't like it. So when the boomer begins a soliloquy about disease and horror and the famine or climate

change, very soon after you will see how they are personally affected by it and that they don't really give a shit about, and it'll be very quick. You just got to, you just got to pay attention to the boomer, to which I said, I just say, go with God now, respond to every text, go with God, go with God. Figure it out. Sorry. It's not my problem. The woman from pandemic does not hold the keys to the jail cell that we're all in.

She doesn't. What was that? We just heard something. It sounded like a squirrel jumping to the tree. Was it a squirrel? I think so. There's a lot of people unemployed in this goddamn country. Every squirrel is a potential issue.

Every squirrel is a potential fucking front page of the LA Times. We're just laying here in our own blood. Just another two young, promising men covered in blood in a stunning estate. And they'll come in. They'll sell it. They'll sell it while we lay here, while we breathe in grass for air, while our carotid arteries are still, you know, spitting blood. They'll come right in here and walk around our dead bodies and take a look at the view.

And they should. It's a circle of life. Adele is still fat, in my opinion. She needs to get thinner. What if Adele, what if it was like that movie thinner where Adele got thinner and thinner every year until it was uncomfortable? What if Adele in six months is just bones? Wouldn't that be hilarious?

It's fun to see fat people get very, very thin and then thin people get very, very fat and people should do that. People should do that more. And I mean, we're, it's scary on both ends. Like how great would it be if Adele got bony and, and scarily thin? Like where everyone was nervous. Remember how thin Callista Flockhart was with Allie McBeal, where her waist was the size of a compact disc and every, and everybody was like, is she gonna, can this work?

Have you ever seen someone so thin where you're like, can this even work? You just see the blood shooting all through their body. Their skin is translucent. It's like when you stuff a sandwich in with small Ziploc bag and it doesn't fit. That's the way their body presents. Their skin is thin, just hanging on their bones. They're all skin and bones. I wish that for Adele.

I would like to see Adele thin, thin, thin, where everybody got uncomfortable. And then I would like to see a very thin person and I don't know who. Let's pick out a very thin person. Someone who's very thin. Like, like they have a problem. Yes, but maybe not public problem, but when you look at them, you go, God, I want them to get very fat. Laura Dern's pretty thin.

Laura Dern's not that thin, but I like, no, she is thin, but I don't think she has a problem. But I'd like to see Dern fat. I'd like to see Laura Dern. Good example. I'd like to see Laura Dern get so fat that people would terrify of running into her because they wouldn't know what to do. I like when people get so thin or thought so fat that just the thought of bumping into them makes you have a panic attack because you don't know what to do.

Like if Adele got so thin that you didn't know what to do anymore. You wanted to ask her if she had a rare blood cancer, which doesn't exist. I mean, that's, people are going to be so mad at this episode because people are so stupid. And people don't understand comedy. So what they will do is they're going to, they're going to either send me information that cancer exists, okay? Or they will then talk about why I need to just watch a pandemic again. I don't care about pandemic.

It's a clever name. What does it matter? It truly, if you want to go out, go out, go out. Don't wear a mask. Do it. Do whatever you want. Let them arrest you. Let them be the bad guy.

You live your life to the extent that you can live it. Don't want the vaccine. Don't get the vaccine. Don't get the chip. Buy a gun. Stay fucking alert. Pay attention to all those things you should do. But just cocooning yourself in your fucking on your couch, watching these fucking hack

doctors on YouTube isn't an isn't an answer. People are sick. People are dying. Is it a lot? Is it too mad? Is the mortality rate lower than it? Who knows? No one knows.

Is the government lying? Yes. Yes. Because they always have been. Stop sending me these fucking doctors. They're like, well, the mortality rate is lower than it. Good. Go out.

Go bowling. Go get sloppy. Go do something you want to do. All these states are opening back up. We're, you know, we're heading back into it now. I get it. This quarantine has sucked. It's been frustrating.

But you're going to come on the other end of it with a renewed appreciation for masturbating and not talking to others. Get rid of your friend group. Get rid of them. You're going to, when this quarantine opens, you're going to go out with a bunch of your friends and go, I want to be home whacking off. Truly. That's what's going to happen because you've realized that you don't need people.

You really don't get the cereal, get digital, get quick, get quickly acquainted with the digital sphere. Yes, it sucks, but it's not going away. Put a chip in yourself. How about that? I'm going to go to chip. You already have gone. I already fucking have it.

I got a better chip than you can chip me with. Stop pretending like you're not going to like to chip a little. You're going to show your friends the chip. Some people are going to put a chip in their dick. They'll be like, I got chipped in my dick. You're going to get to chip. Chips coming. Yes, it's going to be, yes, you won't have any more freedom.

I'm getting made up. Me. I'm a clown. So I'd send a pandemic to other people that can do something about it. I'm going to fucking me to do. Plandemic. You think I got a fight with 136,000 people on Instagram? There's dogs and cats with more than that.

Send them. Plandemic. Who do I fucking have out there? I perform in fucking sloth houses. You want me to do? You're not wrong. You're not right either. There is no wrong or right.

It's over. Things making sense. When this quarantine ends, dress crazy. Wear a shoe on your head. Like that guy, vermin supreme. All bets are off now. You choose your future. Put a chip in yourself.

I'm, you know, I'm cautiously optimistic about our potential when we reopen. I think that people will potentially embrace the new economy, which of course will be everything that happened will now just happen with 75% of it not happening. And I think that'll be great. I think people will enjoy being 75 people in a comedy club that seats 500 and strewn around the room and they can barely hear each other. And I think comedy will work. I really do.

I think comedy will work with a small handful of people spread out in a large room. And I think that that should happen as soon as possible. I think that's actually the best way to see comedy. I think comedy will happen. I think it should be outside with masks and gloves, temperature checks. Yes. I think that's the best way to watch a comedian with a mask on. I think the best way to enjoy a restaurant experience is to have a waitress dressed in

a hazmat suit, hand you a brownie Sunday. It all makes sense. Don't tell me it doesn't. It's about time to go back to the woods, folks. Get the guns. Go to the woods. Keep the Wi-Fi. Until we can go back the way we were, it's pointless.

It's pointless to do these half measures. We either open or we don't. We need to slowly open. I understand that. But the experiences have to be something like you kind of remember, you know? And they're not going to be. So I'm not doing clubs that are 25% full. I'm waiting for those clubs to be full.

I'm waiting for people to feel comfortable going out, for people to come in and enjoy themselves. I will not be performing to only 75 psychopaths that are the first people in a comedy club. I will say this again. If the first thing you do is attend a comedy show, you should have a chip put in your head. You should have 10 chips put in your fucking head. If the first thing you do when quarantine lifts is to go eat frozen chicken fingers at a comedy club, you should be put in jail.

You fucking loser. Stay the fuck out of the mall. Jesus Christ. When they open the gate, go somewhere else. Go to a fucking comedy club and you're eating queso. Get a fucking purpose to be on this planet, please. Enough. People keep asking me, what are comedy clubs going to open?

Here's the answer. Who cares? Truly, who cares? That's the answer. There's 20 million people that don't have fucking jobs right now. There's 100 million people not in the labor force. And you want to know when the chuckle hut will be open? When do you think we'll be able to see?

I don't know. I want to perform again, but I'm doing it here in a stunning estate. I will perform anywhere. The people are online. I'm entertaining the people online. If the people are in a club, I'll entertain them there. I'm going to do shows. When I come back, I will do shows exclusively for the heroes.

I will do shows for the heroes. Only. You will not be allowed in my show if you're not a hero, period. I'll be doing shows for the people who work at DoorDash, grocery store employees, first responders, nurses, doctors, the heroes. Only the ones that have died, only the dead heroes. I'll be performing for the heroes that are deceased.

And I'll be paid. I'll be paid dearly. There will be no breaks on the ticket prices when we're back, by the way. You'll pay, and you'll pay dearly for this entertainment, okay? I think we should charge you more. There will be no, if you come to my show, you will not be donating. No proceeds of your ticket will be going to anyone but me. They will not be going to a food bank.

They might be going to, they'll be going to my bank. Don't you worry about it. Don't worry. If you come to see Tim Dillon, you're not going to walk out unknowingly supporting nurses. You're going to pay me, and I'm going to spend the money how I see fit. Okay? Don't worry about that.

I know there's a lot of people that are concerned right now. If they come and they buy a ticket to the Tim Dillon show, what's that going to do? Is that going to put food in the food bank? The hell it will. Here's the thing with food banks, why can't we just have postmates deliver people food for free? Why do we need a food bank with a long line? It's demoralizing.

Don't we have the technology, you know, to just deliver people the food? I'm asking you, why is this happening? Like you're talking like a food drive, right, where people go door to door and just drop off bags of groceries. Correct. Why are we doing that? I don't want to see the lines, it's depressing. You know when you see the long food line?

It depresses me. You know? Why don't we have people that can go to those families and kill them, humanely, euthanize them. Why are we not offering in this country euthanasia, right? And I mean this very seriously. Why are we not offering to euthanize the portion of the workforce? We're America.

We find a way to do it and win. We are America. Why are we not having people show up to your home with a needle and putting you to bed once and for all, goodbye sleeping beauty? Why do we make people suffer through the indignities of going through unemployment? Euthanize them. Is this not more humane? Do you know how hard unemployment is?

I do because I look at Facebook and everyone on Facebook in New York, they're comedians and they're getting unemployment. I don't know what the fuck from because they didn't make any money anyway, but they're getting unemployment and they're like, I spent 82 hours on hold. And then finally, everybody who gets unemployment, they get it as some accident, just some accident happening. They're like, I fell asleep. I hit my head.

I had a concussion and I woke up in the middle of the night and finally I was on the phone with the person and it just went through. But why not? Why not use science instead of figuring out a vaccine? We know how to kill people. We don't need a vaccine if we think smart. We got to lower the unemployment rate and we're not going to do it through people working. So we got to figure out how best to euthanize people and children and children.

We got the whole family units got to go because what a little Timmy and Tommy and then Barbara and Muhammad and Laquanda. I want to make sure I'm representing all races. What are all those kids going to do? Nothing, nothing good. You know, we, why not and listen, why not return to, I mean, listen, and I, I'm not saying this is a joke. What is inherently wrong with child labor?

Some form of children working because if not, we're going to have to euthanize them because otherwise they're just sitting around, you know, I have ideas. Media is not real. It's kids that want attention and many of them are pale. Get rid of them. I've had enough of them, haven't you? If you're a kid and you don't have 10 million followers on Tiktok, we're coming for you and you're going back to wherever you came from.

You can't support large amounts of people that don't pull their way, which is children. In my head, I feel like there's guys outside that wanted to do a home invasion but are so entertained and, and fascinated by what's happening right now. They're just sitting there with loaded guns waiting for me to finish so they could come in here and shoot us in the head. But instead they're listening right now to the gospel as many of you are because these are questions. These are real questions.

I want to know when the important things about our society, when does karaoke come back? When can disgusting middle-aged divorcees go drown their sorrows and booze and sing journey in a roadside bar? When can karaoke come back? Tony has that friend now that's asking when something's coming back and it doesn't need to happen at all. You know? They're like, when's midnight bowling coming back?

You know where they light up the lanes? It's like, what is your life? What is wrong? When's midnight bowling? When's karaoke going to come back? When can you go to that diner in New York City where the waitress is singing, shut up! I'm rooting for the virus. Call foundry.

Call gates. They're right. Chip them all. I'm trying to fucking not get on this T-population agenda. Stop asking about midnight bowling. When's laser tag going to come back? There's always somebody running their fucking mouth about something that doesn't need to come back.

All the good things are things you can do for yourself, you know? Killing yourself, using drugs and alcohol, stimulating your genitals. You can do all of that yourself. Foster a dog. How about that? Foster a cat. Why does no one foster a cat? It's kind of hilarious.

Be kind of fun. Do people foster cats? They do, but you can kind of just get a cat. It would be funny to foster a cat, the idea of a cat, because a cat has no attachment to you at all. Right. Wouldn't it just leave, probably? Oscar tries to escape every day.

No one cares. Cats don't care about human beings. They hate them. That's why cats are the funniest animal. They hate human beings. They're disgusted by human beings. The way they look at them, they're like, why, why are you imprisoning me in your home? I hate you.

I genuinely hate you. I like cats watching Tiger King. They're at least like, God, it's just, we're fucked all across the board, huh? Doesn't matter how big and powerful we are, we're just, Nicolas Cage is going to be in the new Tiger King movie. Snooze. Dude, the real Tiger King is much better. You know, I mean, it's going to come out years from now.

Nobody's going to care. It was a moment. We all had a Tiger King moment. I've been to every episode. It's a quarantine. We're going to have things from white chicks are going to be like, when this is over, like white chicks are going to be like, how is your car? How is your car?

James learned Mandarin. I just baked Rosemary Focaccia bread all day and we just cashed our inheritance checks. We had our financial planner fuck around with our trust, give us a little cash. Went out to Palm Springs, sat around stargazing. We rented this Airbnb because I hate my life and it's fun to pretend that while I'm living another life and you can get good deals on Airbnbs now, but I'll have to leave this Airbnb soon and go back to the nightmare that I've created for myself, a nightmare that at least proves entertaining for many of you.

Thank God I will participate. I'm getting very close to doing a zoom comedy show. Let me tell you why. I want to have a breakdown on a zoom comedy show. No one's having breakdowns on the zoom. Why? Why are you not having a breakdown on a digital platform that it's, I mean, is there a better way to have a breakdown?

I want to get on one of these and go, what the fuck is this? What are we doing? What are we doing? Are we that desperate for fucking laughs that we're on is on zoom? How many? How long have we done here? We're at 50 50. These the restroom, but I'll stick it out for another 10 minutes because I care about my

audience. You watch pandemic again. I know somebody's going to tell me, well, actually, you got to watch it. If somebody told me a voucher created AIDS, I go, yeah, it's not good. I mean, like at a certain point, folks are certain, but when you know what I know, what do you, what do you think you, who do you think you're sending any of this to get the archives? Get on the page.

I've been there. Done that. Yeah. They're bad. I get it. Yeah. They've done some naughty things. The rulers.

Some of them are bad. Some of them are worse. Some of them are good. You know, all I do, I mean, Ben, I saw this video of a monkey grabbing this girl and dragging her away and Ben told me, what did you tell me? The files are training monkeys to kidnap kids. So they ride little motorcycles and then grab kids and run away with them. Every day on this planet is another horror.

I mean, every minute, every waking moment of this existence is another horror that cannot be described. How can we still put this into words? How do we not walking around screaming all day and throwing ourselves on the floor? How can we still manage words? Is that true? Is there anything verifiable about that? It's true, but someone told me that like human traffickers are using like monkeys now to

grab kids and go away with them. I mean, I haven't done any real, I've really dive on it, but that's what I've heard. Imagine the guy at the meeting that brings that idea up and then everybody just looks at him like he's a fucking God. Everybody looks at him like he's when Wolfgang Puck decided to put goat cheese on pizza, not mozzarella cheese. And everybody doubted him at first, but then they were like, fuck. You know?

Somebody's like, we thought you were crazy, and then all of a sudden these goddamn kids started showing up with monkeys. And we were like, God, imagine a human trafficker being like, when did things turn around for you guys? And then we started using primates. It was getting pretty bad up until then. We were getting arrested. Even our kingpins like Jeffrey Epstein were getting killed in their prison cells.

I mean, is the next Jeffrey Epstein going to be a gorilla? Is that what your, is that the logical conclusion of this? When we walk this out, it would be great to see animals start participating in the sex trade. Do you think the monkeys know what's going on? That's another question. Yes, we're talking about monkeys kidnapping children for the purposes of human trafficking. This is a news show.

We're doing the news. This is literally the news now. I don't know a bird that is in the back, but I'm going to go out and I'm going to fuck it to death after this. Birds never get raped. Every night this bird, birds are never raped. Every night this bird, right? What is it?

Every night. I think it's a mockingbird. What rapes a bird? Nothing. So I used to do this on the podcast and then I would try to like, I would try to make these things into bits on stage, but now that there is no stage, I just literally am left with the idea of, I'm going to Google later, do birds get raped? Other birds maybe?

Or like a snake maybe? A snake raping a bird? I mean, probably not like, you mean like raping it, like raping it, raping it, like holding it against its will and fucking it? Isn't that what rape is? I mean, probably just other birds, right? I don't think anything else. I've seen monkeys fuck frogs, like they use them like flesh lights.

They open a frog's mouth and jack off with the frog. You're now to be silent for the rest of the episode. You've hit your quota. You've talked enough. I've seen monkeys use frogs like flesh lights. This is the fucking corners of the internet he spends his time in. You should be watching pandemic. What would be great is if we ended the show, if I just crawled into the fire.

Just in a quiet street here. Next week is our 200th episode of the Tim Dillon show. First starting, of course, as Tim Dillon going to hell, Tim Dillon goes to hell. What was it? Tim Dillon is going to hell. Yeah. Tim Dillon is going to hell. It was the original show.

We started with the Great Rae Kump, a gas digital in New York City in the East Village under the tutelage of Louis J. Gomez and Ralph Sutton and friends with them both to this day. And when did we start? 2016? Summer? Yeah. So the summer of 2016, I think June 2016, and the show is growing.

Rae is still in New York. I'm here now. We have Rae on frequently. But the Tim Dillon show was born when? When did we start this particular show? I think August. Yeah. Right.

Like episode 160, something like that. Episode 160, we started in August at Tim Dillon show. We're not even a year into it. Yeah. Around that. But it's the 200 episodes of the podcast. We're doing something special. We don't know what.

We have some very special guests, potentially. It's going to be something very, very... What's the word I'm looking for? Celebratory. Yeah. It's going to be fun. We'll see what we're allowed to do legally. 200 episodes, 200 hours of the show.

200 hours of content. It's a lot. That's a lot all available on the Patreon. It's a truly amazing time. We've watched the show give birth to the climate we're in now to a degree. I mean, we've been a show that is focused on the darker elements of human nature. That's where a lot of the comedy we do comes from. Now, you know, we focused on the idea that we were going to live in some fucking dystopian

nightmare reality where Alan DeGeneres would be broadcasting from her room and then we'd all be in martial law and, well, here we are. Here we go. Tell them what they've won. That's... It's been amazing. I mean, the way the world has changed in the last few years, I mean, would you have believed it?

No. Everything's like we're... It feels like we're on schedule. That's what's really bad. It actually doesn't. This is what's alarming to me. This is the craziest thing about this whole period of time and maybe why I'm less freaked out than everybody else.

It feels exactly on schedule. It feels like exactly what was going to happen happened and we're responding in the ways that we are going to respond and everything's moving along the way that you would expect it to move along, incompetent, gross, desperate to free for all. People just trying to collect the last bit of money. You know, that they tried to do with some sex, this Jacob Wall, you know, that kid who's always pulling those tricks. He's always trying to get people to accuse people of sexual misconduct.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, him and his... And that guy, Jack Berkman, they're like, you know, hucksters and woolen as dad or like big Trump guys. He was trying to get somebody to... A woman to claim that Fauci, like raped or something. I mean, every day... It's the same thing every year.

I mean, every week, it's like the same. It's the same news cycle. It's the same names. It's the same hucksters, Candace Owens is in a woolen, you know, Whole Foods. Somebody's bothering her, you know, same people, same things on Twitter, you know, the same people on Twitter complaining about the real problems right now are gender expression. Same things. Adele's fat, now she's thin, it's the same.

It's boring. Life has gotten deadly and boring. The real pandemic is boredom. Boredom with the current climate of how we all relate to each other and how we're all manipulated all the fucking time by the same people. At least give us new people. Give us new leaders of the three ring circus. We don't even have any of those.

The same Trump and Pelosi and AOC. It's the same characters. I want to change the channel. I want to watch a different show, you know, it's all predictable. You could guess the news next week with some regularity and you'd be right. You know, Trump will do this, AOC is going to do that, this person is going to do that, these people are going to get mad, celebrities are going to do something out of touch, they're going to seem ridiculous, people are going to get mad at them, somebody's going to do

that and then you just, and round and round we go, you know, but 200 episodes, 200 episodes. Hey, Johnny gosh, we'll come on the show. How great would that be? How great would be if Johnny gosh came on the show and he was like a coronavirus truether? And we'll let Johnny tell us the politicians who fucked you and he goes, I want to talk about this fake virus. And we're like, but Johnny, you have the chance to really, really crack open this case and talk about it.

He goes, the real concern I have is Fauci, I'm like Fauci, it's a little Italian guy. Here's the thing with people. I love that. Like nobody knew who Fauci was three months ago, now he's the Antichrist. It's amazing how quickly people become the Antichrist. Got to think the devil's kind of upset that like some fucking career, career political hack in the fucking CDC is not the anti or whatever the fuck he does is not the Antichrist. Satan's like, do you know how long I've been working cultivating like this guy's a hack.

He's an empty suit with a stethoscope. And you're saying he's the Antichrist, you know, and I'm not defending, I'm sure Fauci's dirty, but like this whole idea that everybody's a symbol of utter, the utmost evil. There's no, nobody's, there's no gradations. There's no fucking, you know, I like this pillow, by the way. It's, it shows you luxury burn the pillow. So what, what, what can we do for 200 episodes where we're going to try to get some really cool guests, a compilation of people, you know, we'll probably be back in the studio

because we'll need that for guests and we'll be out of this area. You know, we thank you for listening. If you're a supporter of the show, we appreciate it. We appreciate everybody on Patreon, everybody who just listens to the show. If you can't afford Patreon for episodes a month, we're always free, you know, one episode a week. We appreciate everybody that buys tickets to the live standup shows that buys the merch, which is still available.

The link is on Instagram. We get it. It's tough times right now. If you can't buy any of that, don't worry. There'll still be a shitload of free entertainment videos, YouTube, things like that. If you want to pay, you'll get more. It's all about what you can do, what you can't do. It's a comedy show.

It should make you laugh. It should be funny. It should occasionally make you think, you know, you know, this is not a medical advice show. Should go without saying, but it doesn't now. Doesn't. You know, people, people messaged me. They're like, why don't you go into the gene sequence and what?

I mean, you know, this is where comedy is. It's happening right here. It'll eventually happen on a stage again. And then we'll do it there. We'll do it there because we're not going to go legit. Can't get real jobs. We've gone too far down the river, gone too far down the river. 200 fucking hours of talking.

That is a lot of fucking talking. And then you got to add all the Patreon episodes too. Yeah. A lot of talking, man. How many episodes do you think we've done on Patreon? Would you guess? Around. We've done exactly 46.

Okay. So it's like 246 hours of content. Yeah. You know? Wow. Wild. You know, and are all of those episodes available on Patreon or no? 246?

Yeah. Yeah. Well. That's right. It should be like 170 because some are free. You know, some of the regulars are free on YouTube. Of course. Subscribe to the YouTube channel.

If you are listening to this Tim Dillon show on YouTube, subscribe. You know, some people enjoy watching the show. Some people enjoy listening. Doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you realize. The strep throat is not real. It's your kid trying to get out of school. Conjunctivitis isn't real.

Smack them. Send them back out. I hope when we all go back out, this would be the greatest thing ever. We all go back out and we, everybody goes back out. We just start doing the things we used to do and then we look at everybody. Everybody, we're like, like literally in the middle of like a dinner, everyone's got drinks and we're all eating and we're all happy to be together. And then like in the middle of dinner, we just say very casually, like we're not even

angry, but we just say very casually. We kind of look at each other. We're like, I hate you. Like this is funny and we all start giggling and we're like, why are you laughing? He's like, I kind of hate you. I also hate you. Be like, I didn't miss you at all. This is horrible.

You know, and then we just keep chewing on chicken wings. It doesn't matter. We just keep talking and you know, going on about our day, but I wish everybody here health. I wish you happiness. I wish you wealth. I wish you a stunning estate. I wish you all of the tools you need.

I'd love to get that woman. Judy Miskovits, whatever name is from Plandemic on. Oh, I have her name right here. Let's see. Yeah. Judy Mikovits. Dr. Judy Mikovits. Dr. Mikovits.

What a fucking name. Can't take somebody seriously. Mikovits and Fauci. Sounds like a fucking Fortvillian comedy duo. I'm going to see Mikovits and Fauci. They're hilarious. Yeah. They're fucking hilarious these two.

You know, she went home. She was all drunk. She looked at her kid. She's like, Anthony Fauci is a Dago Watt motherfucker. And if he opens his mouth and tries to talk over me one more time, I'm going to fucking cut his little fucking cock off. All right. Good night, folks.