The Tim Dillon Show - 200: 200 - Knife Fights In Malibu

Episode Date: May 17, 2020

The 200th episode of The Tim Dillon Show. Tim talks Billy Boy blocking out the sun, dining restrictions in Long Island, and the celebrities on cameo all while enjoying a bowl of Magic Spoon dot com slash Tim Dillon. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ and Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. I am sunburned again and I have aloe vera on my face now, so I look shiny and red. And you can ridicule that if you'd like, but I got that sunburn in a, at least a seven million dollar home, it was a stunning estate. And many of you, let's just put it this way, it was in your average lake house, okay? I know you out there like, well, it's just, it's the same beach. It ain't, it truly ain't. LAPD now testing wants to test everyone for coronavirus that they arrest.

So if you cannot get a coronavirus test in Los Angeles, commit a crime, commit a crime and you'll be taken care of. No problem. We've got our magic spoon for our 200th episode, we'll be treating ourselves to some magic spoon cereal with zero grams of sugar, three net carbs, 11 grams of protein, and of course some almond milk, you know, we're not going to talk about them because they don't fucking give us anything. Fuck them.

That's what it is out here. My dad, we're going to get into this later on in the episode, but my father sent me a, I don't know what you would call it. It's just the, it's the rules. There's one restaurant in Long Island. I don't know if he's been there. I'm sure he likes it. He, you know, I'm sure he's been there and likes it, but he sent me a, you know, it's

on their website, the rules of how they're going to reopen their restaurant. And it's kind of crazy, all of the things that they're going to have to do just to get any type of crowd back in the restaurant. And I don't know why it's not coming up there. It comes up on my phone. Look at my dad saying it comes up immediately on the phone. I might just not be coming up there. No one's going to go out to eat.

This is what's, we're really going to, what it's coming down to. When you, when we go through all the rules that, I mean, did no one, I love going out to eat. It's no one loves it that much that you're going to sit there and then people are going to come out and be keeper outfits and then hand you a butter. And then there's going to be a bowl of hand sanitizer and there's not going to be any table cloths and they're going to be wiping down the table. You just going to be a car wash.

Who the hell wants to eat in a fucking car wash where everything, what are you smiling about? I'm reading the rules. The rules are insane. These are some of the rules. These are some of the rules for this Italian restaurant in Long Island to just, to just get back to serving any kind of food inside. All right.

Reopening guidelines. All employees will wear gloves and mask during service until recommended by the CDC or New York state. Fun. So let's just picture that you're at a table, you're at a table in the restaurant in Long Island, by the way, half of these people aren't following the rules. They're going to take the mask off be like, you know, this is bullshit. The whole thing is fake.

But Obama want, you know, right? Obama created this to make a fucking us wear masks. Yeah. So I got to fucking wear this shit. Hand sanitizer will be readily available to guests. Hand sanitizer will be readily available. And I'm sure in Long Island, they'll do it in a very classy way. I'm sure there's going to be very classy way to get hand sanitizer to the guests like

fountains of it that are, you know, lit on fire. There's going to be like hand sanitizer, ice looses in steakhouses in Long Island. People just sticking their dirty myths in a fucking big bowl of hand sanitizer. I'm sure that I'm sure that's smart. Masks and gloves will be provided by the restaurant. Please alert management if there is none. Great. So not only are the waitstaff in masks and gloves, you will get masks and gloves from

the management so that you can put it on. So you can have gloves and a mask on while you're eating so that you just take the mask down and eat and then put the mask back up, I guess. I guess. I guess. I guess. I don't know. I don't know how well thought thought out this is.

All tables are disinfected before and after seedings and service hours. Good. So they cut, so they disinfect it right in front of you like, you know, like sitting at Wendy's where they come up with the spray bottle and then they wipe it down. There's nothing better than paying $75 for a steak and getting the table sprayed down in front of you by a guy in a mask. Kitchen will be sanitized. I mean, that makes sense.

Well, it won't be. That's anything out of sight. Well, nothing's happening, especially in Long Island. We're not doing any disfaction in the kitchen. Keep the food coming. Keep it hot. Keep it coming. All surfaces are wiped down disinfected routinely following cleaning schedule.

Great. So just every surface you see is going to get, get a dirty rag going across it multiple times a night. There's nothing better than going out for a romantic meal and just watching people clean. God, nothing better than the smell of hand sanitizer and disinfect it, which we're all fucking desensitized to now, by the way, just a smell of hands. Oh, honey, how are you?

Don't you enjoy that? What's that aroma? Oh, it's ammonia. Do you like it? It's the chemical that's going to kill us in several years worse than the coronavirus will. It's this is nine pages long. It's not.

Keep going for a little bit. I just want to know a few more of the things. All sanitation is scheduled and recorded. Okay. Health, guest health. Guests will be asked for contact info for notifications. This is when it gets good. Keep going with this.

This is some of my favorite. Read this again. Guests will be asked for contact info for notifications of contagion and pledge that they have not felt any symptoms of COVID-19. Uh, a pledge and we all know in Long Island, it's a truthful group of people. So they will, so, and they're also going to be asked about their family history before they get into restaurant. By the way, that's going to cheer everybody up.

So I hate Vinny. We hate to do this, but you know, anybody that died of cold here, my mother fucking died in a fucking nursing home. I'm trying to fucking forget that Cuomo, let a fucking burn in that. Make sure a little fire, let them fucking burn this motherfucker, let it burn and gives himself a raise. I was trying to forget about that, but coming out here a lot of abundance and trying to have fucking lasagna and now I got to talk about it.

Okay. This one, I don't understand Matilda's law will be enforced as long as it remains in effect. Okay. Matilda's law. A lot of people don't know what Matilda's law is on Long Island. Matilda's law is if, if a woman is enough of a bitch, she doesn't have to follow any of these rules.

So Matilda's law is named after a woman named Matilda, uh, Fabrizzi Cohen and she was an Italian Jew and she was the most annoying person it's ever lived. And no matter what the law is, she's such a cunt and she's so loud that they just let her, she's like, I'm not putting on no fucking mask. I don't give a shit. So that's Matilda's law. They don't, I don't know what Matilda's law is. Uh, okay.

So this one, I don't know if this holds up. Customers over 70 are not allowed to dine within our walls or I love that. Customers over 70, which is everyone on Long Island, the youngest person in Long Island is in their mid sixties. Everyone over 70 is not allowed to dine within our walls. How nice is that 70 year olds can't go to dinner anymore. Wow. 70 is not that old either.

No, it's not 70 years old. You can't go to dinner. Not within our walls. You can eat in the parking lot. You can eat in the lot. Employees will take and record contactless temperature checks as well as take health pledge daily. The health pledge.

Yeah. I'm sure no one will lie about that. And by the way, what if you have a symptom of COVID? You don't have COVID. Right. Doesn't this sound like it seems like it's a lot. And by the way, if this is not transmissible, does any of this fucking even help? Well, maximum parties of four.

Maximum parties of four. I like that. I do like that. Someone's got to go. This is going to be a renegotiation of all the risks we take in our life. People are going to be like, how much do we like these people? How much do we want to have dinner with them? How much does this couple need to be here?

Do we really like that movie? Do we really like that comedian? Do we really? And I'm here to tell you what industries are going to go and what are going to stay. I'm going to tell you that. Okay. Because I have a Facebook. That's my qualifications.

I'm a citizen and I'll tell you any industry that involves me is going to stay for a little while. It's going to stay around. And I'm not, and that is a conflict of interest, but it's the truth. College is done. You fuckers that are paying 40 grand a year to learn where and when you start vomiting. What beer is too many. What your tolerance is.

And sitting around listening to professors babble who have no other marketable skills except talking. Who are those people? Can you imagine that some people, these professors, they do nothing but talk for hours and it's the only money they make is talking. It's ridiculous and it'll be stopped. I won't allow it. A post COVID world will not allow these bloviating professors.

Blah, blah, blah. They say anything and that's all they do is just sit or stand and talk and I am disgusted with that archetype of person. So they're going to have to get real fucking jobs and figure it out. College is done. I am sorry. It needs to be remodeled and remade into something that prepares people for actual life. It should prepare you for actually doing something.

You can't spend years and years just having weird threesomes and protesting things you barely understand and sitting in the library doing Adderall. It's time to come into the world. Come to the market now. See what skills you have. We got to start reforming college and we will. A lot of colleges, struggling colleges are not going to make it to this. This is a big scam.

Try to ensure guests stay separate while waiting to be seated. Correct. If one party four comes in and another party four comes in and they might want to talk to each other because they live in the same neighborhood or know each other, they can't do that. Somebody's going to have to come up to them and go, well, you two shut the fuck up. Here's what's hilarious about this. Do you know how inartfully this is going to be done on Long Island?

Do you have any idea? Hey, you know you're not supposed to fucking talk. Cut the fucking talking out. You shut the fuck up for five minutes. We're getting a table Donna God. We don't want to get shut down by the government. I mean, do you know how poorly this will all be executed long ago? They don't make it a day with all of these regulations.

There's no way this even happens in Long Island. There's no way. There's a whole section about mental health. There's a whole section about mental health. It is an island where I would say on Long Island, 30% of people are mentally ill, mentally unwell. 30% of them are mentally unwell. The whole section about mental health.

We've all heard it. If you can't take the heat, the best day out of the kitchen. But all too often in the restaurant industry, the heat burns on longer than your shift. It's mandatory. Pause the service has allowed us to consider what's already a global issue in house service. Mental well-being. Yeah. Mental well-being.

Great. It's a new world, folks. You want a bowl of spaghetti? Get ready for an episode of American Ninja Warrior to get to your table. Get ready for hurdles and foam pits and sanitizer and, you know, get ready for it. That's insane, but I don't know. I just don't know who's, I love going out to dinner. It's one of the things I specialize in.

I'm very good at it. Some people aren't good at it. People, we all know the people that aren't good at it. They don't know what they're doing. They say stupid things when they sit down at a table. They don't, you know, you know, they peruse the menu too long. They don't get it. They order the wrong thing.

Take them to a steakhouse. They order breasted chicken. They know who these people are. They're just not. They're not good at going out to dinner. They haven't put the time in like I have. They put the time in like having a relationship or earning money, starting a family. Okay?

Sure. Have all of that. But you get them out and you go, oh, yeah, you're not fun. They don't have a good story. They don't have a quick anecdote. They don't understand that, like, they got to wrap it up before the waitress gets there. You know, that there's a rhythm to a dinner. There's a rhythm to a dinner that works well and it's just, it's going to be completely

destroyed, completely destroyed with a lot of these guidelines that are coming in. I mean, it's just, it's just a death knell to the restaurant business as we know it. It's crazy. And I, and this is a business that I've always wanted to own a restaurant. If I didn't do this for a living, if I wasn't a comedian, I might be in that business. I don't know. Um, I probably wouldn't. I'd probably do some real estate scam in Southern Florida with the elderly, but I would still

always enjoy restaurants and it's sad. I can't imagine them unless we have a few months without a case and people are just like fucking who cares unless there's a national fucking who cares unless there's some type of vaccine unless there's an antiviral drug that works. All of these things seem less likely, you know, the vaccine, the viral drug, all these things seem less likely. I'm not an anti-vaccine. I just want to know what the fuck's going on.

I just want to be, I just don't want to hand the world over to Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates and all of these trillionaires, billionaires soon to be trillionaires, let them do whatever they want. You see this dude thing on Facebook, all these boomers are sharing it and they're like, how did Bill Gates, who's the best man that's ever lived, who's saved more lives? He's saved lives of the Congo. He's saved lives of Polio. How did Bill Gates be turned into some villain?

I love Bill Gates. I don't care that he wants to shoot a missile full of dust at the sun and block out the sun. Who cares? I hate the sun. My sister, I thought I had a melanoma last week. It turned out it wasn't. It was just a pile of dirt that collected on my body and I didn't watch it, but I thought

it was cancer. I hate the sun. I don't care that Bill Gates wants a tunnel to the center of the earth and bring back to dinosaurs. He's the good boy. He's the local boy to done good. He's just, all he does is try to help people every day after the government monopolized, they busted him on all these monopoly things.

He went into philanthropy and decided he wanted to give his money away to his charity organizations to give to schools where his son goes. You know, dodge taxes all over the world by playing fucking cameo with the needle and fucking whatever third world country won't kick him out. I like Bill and I don't want to hear anything negative said about him, not at all. It doesn't matter that he wants to send nuclear weapons to Mars and blow it up just for fun. He understands global warming comes from the sun, get rid of the fucking sun. Get that article up.

Get Bill Gates wants to shoot dust at the sun, by the way. This is what happens when you let people get billions and trillions of dollars and then nobody's, you know, that's all. He just wants to shoot some dust at the sun. Here we go. What could go wrong? Could dimming the sun save the earth? Bill Gates wants to spray millions of tons of dust into the stratosphere to stop global

warming. Critics fear it could trigger calamity. Fuck these critics. How dare, who are these critics? Astronomers, scientists, who are these, have they not heard of windows? Who are these critics stopping him from shooting dust into the fucking, into the atmosphere? Who is saying that it's not a good idea to block out the sun? Why not let him experiment?

It's fun. Why roll these conspiracy theorists? What's their problem? He doesn't want the sun anymore. He wants to dim the sun. This is not a crackpot plan of a garden shed inventor. The project is being funded by billionaire and Microsoft founder Bill Gates, and pioneered by scientists at Harvard Epstein University.

Keep going down here. Come go out for a minute. Go out for a minute. In theory, the airborne dust would create a gigantic sunshade, reflecting some of the sun's rays and heat back into space, dimming those that get through, so protecting earth from the worsening ravages of climate warming. Keep going down here. The initial $3 million test, known as the stratospheric-controlled petrobation experiment,

would use a high-altitude scientific balloon to raise around two kilograms of calcium carbonate dust the size of a bag of flour into the atmosphere 12 miles above the desert of New Mexico. This would seed a tube-shaped area of the sky about half a mile long, 100 yards in diameter. Over the ensuing 24 hours, the balloon would be steered by propellers back through the artificial cloud, its onboard sensors monitoring this dust's sun-reflecting abilities and its effect on the thin, surrounding air. However, Scopex is on hold amid fears it could trigger a disastrous series of chain reactions, creating climate havoc in the form of serious droughts and hurricanes, and bring

death to millions of people around the world. I don't want a bad word about Bill! How did a man who just wants to cure disease and get rid of the sun get a bad rap on Facebook? All these yahoo's are making fun of William. I love Bill. So what? He wants Americans to live underground so that the ravages of global warming don't stop them.

There's a slave race of lichens who have white skin because they're all albinos. They can live underground. It's nice underground. If you've ever been underground, it's lovely. Stop it. Stop telling Bill what to do. He's got billions of dollars. Let him do what he wants.

That's where they go. Let him do what they want. Hey, let him do what they want. Hey, if Jeff Bezos wants to automate and just destroy grocery stores and everybody would just get a drone of apples dropped off, just let him do it. Let him do it. Doesn't matter that millions of people are going to lose their jobs. Who cares?

Doesn't matter. If they can design a robot, let them do it. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't really matter. We'll just let them do whatever they want. We don't want to debate the pace of which people's jobs are going to evaporate and be taken over by AI.

Let them do it. Just get it. One of the Harvard team's directors, Lizzie Burns, admits, our idea is terrifying, but so is climate change. So is climate change. So I don't want to hear a bad word about Bill. I can't believe you ninnies would say anything. So he knows he's up to no good, by the way.

If you ever see his face, Bill Gates, by the way, he knows he's kind of up to no good. Yes, he wants to save people's lives, kind of, but let's get real here. There's some other things percolating in that old dome of his. There's a lot of good with the bad. I'm sure Jeffrey Epstein was nice to waitresses, maybe. I don't know. What if we found that Epstein was a big tipper and he never complained and he never sent his food back?

You know, as an occult or noted, Hitler didn't smoke. Like everybody's got a thing that's nice about them and it's nice that Bill Gates wants to cure infectious diseases. And then somehow that will also bring the population of the planet down there. He wants to do that. I get it. There's too many people. I'm in LA.

There's too much traffic. I get it. In his eyes and his dome, he's got some other things going on. Let me tell you fucking, thank God I don't have a billion dollars. Thank God I don't have a billion dollars. I'd be fucking, I mean, if I were him right now, I would be fucking, I would be doing some much wilder shit than he is. Just got to watch him.

You got to watch Bezos. You got to watch these people. We know that the government is inept. The government and private industry have gotten in bed together and they've created what people like Chris Hedges have called the corporate state, which means it has all the power of the state and all the, and, and, and the endless financial resources and also all the like, you know, supposed credibility of the private sector where we bring in these geniuses, incredibly intelligent.

We all know like Bill Gates is not a dumb guy. Bezos and all these guys are incredibly intelligent people. So we bring them in and then, cause we all know people who work in the government are kind of dunces. We all think the government's, you know, up until recently when everybody's with Obama and Trump and everyone's like, these are gods. Now Obama obviously is a smart guy and Trump is intelligent in his own way, but the reality is we, we, we know these geniuses exist for the most part outside of the government.

They exist making billions of trillions. Cause who the fuck wants to work for the government when you got heads like these guys have. They want to truly revolutionize the world. Great. But when they team up with the government, they're just this unstoppable force. Nothing can stop them. Truly nothing. Don't like what you write?

They delete it. You don't exist. You're unpersoned. Doesn't matter. You're getting this health policy, whether you like it or not, these are the required things. You don't like surveillance. Well, fuck you.

You don't like your email read, but it's getting read. FBI can go into your search history now. It doesn't matter. FBI, go right in your search history. What do you search it for? You search it for something they don't like. Okay. The FBI is like, we are, we are looking at all of the searches and we don't mind any,

we will be, but we don't mind anyone searching for child porn as long as they make a certain amount of money and they're searching through our approved partners. But we do, we don't really love if you're, if you're on some anti-government forum, we don't love that. Don't propagate any conspiracy theories. Don't say anything mean about Bill's plan to block the sun out. Keep your mouth shut about that. Just put a bag over your head and go to your local Italian restaurant and get wiped down

with hand sanitizer before you eat and let Bill and the boys do their work. Let Bill and the boys do their work. Stay awake here. It's a little crazy out there. These fuckers on Facebook. What are you getting? Checks of Bill. Relax.

We lie. No. The other side's nuts. They take everybody in LA. It's a fucking trillionaire. It's fucking kids. And you know, I get how crazy those fucking people are too. They think Bill Gates is the anti-Christ and everything goes back to Jesus.

Everything goes back to revelations and Jesus and I get it. I get it. And they think Donald Trump has, you know, got a little hat with a light and he's just going through the tunnels under Central Park trying to free the kids. We get it. But we know that that's not the answer either, okay? We understand. Most people in this business live in a car, by the way.

They're not in big mansions fucking kids. They're trying to whore themselves out. They have their pussy on the street trying to get any money saying, come on me, do whatever you want. Just buy me dinner. So let's, this idea that everybody in Hollywood doesn't even exist anymore. These parties that everybody's talking about in Hollywood, I don't even know, I don't even know anyone who knows anyone who has them.

It's like, doesn't even exist. It's me and Whitney Cummings eating magic spoon in her backyard trying to wait for a bobcat to come. She's like a bobcat with three days ago. I was like, well, I hope we see the bobcat tonight. That's the elite party that fucking everybody thinks is going on here. I'm sure there are better, I know that there's better parties, whatever. You know, you know, I get it.

But these lured ideas of what's going on in this town, but you know, listen, you can't swing so far to the other pendulum where you're like, well, I just, I just, I just sit in my house and I wait for Lizzo to tell me what to do. I just went for Lizzo to tweet the rules. Stay home. Stay home forever and bake bread. Share inspirational story. Just people that have never made more money in their life than this quarantine.

I know people who've never made more money in their life right now that are sitting around every, every package that gets to talk about getting passed. I know guys that are chomping at the bit, chomping at the bit like a cat looking at a fish bowl. Every time Nancy Pelosi talks about another little, a little package, I'm not saying that there's not a lot of people hurting out there. There is. I just happen to know dirt bags that take advantage of the system.

I don't happen to know a lot of people that are like genuinely salt of the earth. I've never met any of these salt of the earth people that are out there. I want to, I see them. I know they're there. I just don't attract them into my orbit. I attract thieves, goons and liars. So they're riding this out like they rode Hurricane Sandy out Long Island, Hurricane Sandy was the best thing that happened to Long Island because it gave all of my friends

a decade excuse for the failure that was inevitable anyway. I had one friend like after I get to see these, that's why I don't live on the water. It's that's risky. And it's like, no, you don't live on the water because you failed out of NASA community college and you have a, you have a criminal record. That's part of the reason. Yeah. Hurricane Sandy people right after everybody's house got destroyed.

Everybody was like, well, here's my, you know, I was working as the medical bill before Hurricane Sandy. Everything was coming together. I was going to get married with Vincent and then the hurricane happens and our entire lives got turned upside down. Thank you. For letting us say our grievances, Obama did this cause he is black. We know that he did it with his black witch powers that he has from his country.

He did this to Long Island because we voted for that other guy, McCain, Mitt, whoever, the white one. Anyway, Hurricane Sandy ruined our lives. Yes, I was technically fired from my job two weeks before the hurricane for showing up drunk. Corona virus could be the new hurricane Sandy. Everybody's going to be, everybody's just, just going to be, just, it's just going to be one word, you know, they're going to be, so what have you been up to?

And some people just going to go, well, come on, comedy's starting to, comedy's starting to get back in business a little bit. Things are opening up, very small percentage of the room, 25%. I'm hearing mixed things. Some people say it's fun. It doesn't look fun to me. I've worked pretty hard to perform for rooms full of people. If this is the new normal, yes, I will eventually come out and do these rooms.

I'm hoping it isn't the new normal and I'm hoping that in time there will be a return to some kind of normalcy and that we'll be able to get some more people in those rooms and we can have something that feels more like comedy and less like just a crazy guy in a mall who's held 75 people hostage. That is what my shows feel like anyway, like a guy who lost it in a mall with a gun. That's kind of what I market myself as, just a father of no children but has a dad energy and he's lost it in a mall. Some of my best shows are for 14 people in a room that's seated 500 when I was losing

my mind in San Antonio with the improv, screaming at the top of my lungs and those people just having a great time because nobody could find the club. The mall was so poorly designed, I know, shocker, right? And it was such a poorly designed mall and the club was on the fourth floor of the mall and we know San Antonio. They don't like floor two. So floor four. I mean, come on.

I don't think so. I just remember, so I will get back out there. I'm going to get back out there. I mean, the times are, the times are, we're going to have some magic spoon though right now. We're not doing an ad read, but let's just have a little bit of it. This is the fruit flavor here. You've still got some milk, good.

And the thing about magic spoon, folks, is that it cures corona. It is a cure. It's a cure, prevents preventative, whether you have corona now or will have corona, you'll never have it now. Great thing about magic spoon cereal is that it's, what is this? It's a loop. What is this? What are we even selling?

It's good. It's tasty. I've never had it in my life and I'm kidding. I enjoy it. I like it because you don't feel guilty. You know? I don't feel guilty after I eat anything. I should.

But I know, but I'm now feeling more guilty because I'm starting to think about health because of COVID. I fucking, you know that I burn my mouth and I've, you ever burn your top of your mouth and then cereals like a razor? Yeah. It hurts so much. It hurts so fucking much, which is good because nobody wants to hear me chew the rest of the podcast, but it just, there was nothing worse than the roof of your mouth being burnt,

being cut with the razor sharp edge of cereal. And there's people that have done that. There's probably people that are listening to this show that can identify with that, just hot coffee, you know. What's the restaurant you guys all want to go back to? Here's the other thing. Let's get into this for a minute because I, people on Twitter, they're like, hey, me and my boyfriend are big fans of you.

I appreciate the hell out of that. Can you, can you send them a birthday message? No. Here's why. I don't send my family birthday messages. Okay. So here's the reality. I don't, this is the 200th episode of the show.

Is there balloons in it? No, enough. Move the fuck on. Okay. We tried to get someone. They wouldn't come on. I got to do their show first. It's a whole thing.

So we will have them. It'll be fun. But the reality of the situation is I love all of my fans. I appreciate you. I miss seeing you at meet and greets after the, after the podcast. But like, it ain't cameo. I'm not joining cameo. I'm not shading anyone who has joined it.

It's just not for me. I just can't for the life of me be like, hey, hey Tom, I know you're a big fan. Happy birthday, but hey, happy birthday. What are you and Marissa doing for your big day? I will blow my brains out on cameo. And I know that everyone loves that. Hey, hey Sheila. Hey Sheila, your friend Rick just wanted me to tell you, congrats on fucking graduating

nursing school hero. Like, I can't personally do it. I know that people do it. I respect people that do it. People of talents I don't have. I do. I cannot pretend to care about your life. Okay.

I will not do it. You will have to go somewhere else. There's a lot of people that do. They're much more popular than me. It's not happening. It's not coming. And I'm not mad at you that you asked. I'm not.

I appreciate Elizabeth, but I will not pretend to care about your life. Other people pretend to care about your life to the tune of two, three, four million dollars a year. I do not care. I have family members bodies ravaged with cancer. I barely the phone to them. Hello. Hi. How are you?

Good. How are you? I'm better. Good. I can't. You know, I wasn't going to get eaten out. Oh, yeah. It's eating up.

I'm kidding. No, I'm not. But the point is, what are you going to do? What am I going to do? Hey, hey, hey, hey, Kelly. I heard Kelly. I heard your fan. You like to show?

No. No. Well, well, fucking Frank has something pretty cool. A plan for you, Kelly. Turn around. Frank's standing there with a knife. You cheating bitch. He's going to get you.

Stop crying. You know what you did. I would do a cameo for murderers where I would announce your murder. That's right. You had announced your murder. I'd announced tragedies, breakups, you know, but I just can't bring myself to treat you like children and pretend that I give a flying fuck. It's your birth.

I don't care. It's that it's my birthday in January. It doesn't matter. I didn't get him a present for his wedding. Here's the reality. And you know why that is because of coronavirus. It can't be delivered. Don't make a face.

I wanted to do it, but I refused to put him and his fiance at risk to make me feel good. Enough with you know me. You've heard hours of me on the show. You can't imagine that there's a part of me that wants to wish you and your boyfriend a happy birthday. How about this? This is for everyone. Happy birthday for all of you in the past and in the future.

That's the happy birthday. Enjoy it. What? Here's the thing with cameo, by the way. I think it's funny when like somebody did it with Blagojevic. Somebody had Blagojevic do it to promote my Caroline show. Things like that are clearly funny. People do it with Chris Hansen.

It's very funny. But like who are the people unironically using cameo? Who are the people that genuinely want fucking the chick who played fucking, you know, the chick who played, you know, I don't know, Delta Burke's friend on Designing Women. Like who wants Kathy Najimi wishing them happy birthday? The fat chick from the, I blank it out. Kathy Najimi who's hilarious, but like she's the fucking, she's in hocus pocus. The fat witch from hocus pocus.

Is she on cameo? She might not be. She better be on cameo. Of course she is. Who's going, I genuinely want the fat witch from hocus pocus. Bitch, don't you have money? $150. I mean, she's great.

I love her in that movie. I love her in a million things. But I mean, enough already. I get it. I'll be on it fucking next week probably. I just can't, I just can't, you know, who are the people? Is it just, is it rich people that just Hollywood has fallen so far that it's fun to watch your favorite celebrities who are scrounging around on their floor for cat food?

Is it fun to watch them have to be degraded to wish you a happy, they don't care about you. They don't want to be near you. How nice was 90s fame when if somebody went near Sharon Stone, they got a gun in their mouth. If Sharon Stone is having lunch at the IV and you went near her, you were physically removed. Now this bitch has got to wish you happy Valentine's Day. What a fucking hellscape.

I know that there's a lot of people on this sort of good people. I just, you know, there's a lot of people on this sort of suffering too. A lot of people that are suffering. Abby Lee Miller, that bitch from Dance Moms. How much is the cameo from that fat fuck? My mouth hurts so much. Recently active, of course, this fucking loser has no mind. Go over, make cookie one of the right.

Oh, there she is. 99. I mean this fat whale. Audrey cried for 30 minutes. She's showing everyone. She said it was the best present ever. Thank you so much. This is the woman who did Dance Moms, which I thought was a great job because I like to see greatness demanded of children.

I like to see children cry and realize their mistakes. Many of those, many of those kids killed themselves. Some of them don't. They grow up to be great people. Listen to this. Talk about stunning estates. I was at a friend, a buddy's house today where I got sunburned. His mom rents a house on Malibu every summer for the month of July.

I was like, you know, I'd like to rent something down there. I can't, of course. I can't afford it. But I just like to enter into conversations like that. So potentially it calls my bluff and she puts me on the phone with her realtor, like a real estate agent. So I'm like, okay, so what's great about these LA real estate agents is they're like right out of a Robert Altman movie. Like they're just exactly what you'd imagine them to be. Like there's dialogue written for them and just handed to them.

First of all, they're always super familiar with you. They're like a, they're like a waiter at Fridays. It's a little weird who's like, who gets down on his knees when you're a little kid and you're there with your dad. And he's like, hey champ. Hey buddy, I bet you're pretty hungry. I bet you want some fucking chicken fingers. Don't it's like, you know, so I get on a phone as well. Of course her name is Tracy.

Every realtor's name is Tracy. Okay. Tracy is either the name of a porn star or a realtor. Okay. And the real estate is porn is much more reputable. So I get on the phone with this woman and she's like, hey Tim, how are you? And I'm like, good. And she's like, let me tell you something right now. This market in Malibu, it's a real knife fight. It's a real knife fight down here in Malibu.

I don't care what the government saying. People are snatching up properties left and right. So I'm just letting you know what it is. And I'm like, okay, I don't want to get into a knife fight in Malibu. But I can't, I will get into maybe a shoving match in Silver Lake, you know, maybe a fender bender in studio city, but I don't think a knife fight in Malibu is appropriate. And she's like, so is your budget under 40 a month?

And she means 40,000. I'm like, yeah, yeah, around there. I mean, I'm like, because if I'm going to spend more than that, I'll just get a house, right? She's like, right, cause I'll send you some options. Cause this could be your summer of love. There's a whole different world out here, Tim. There's a whole different world just like cracked out of her face.

She's coked out. Her husband's fucking her assistant. She's like, Tim, it's a real knife fight here in Malibu. I haven't felt since I found out my husband fucked my sister last Christmas. It's a real knife fight here in Malibu. The only thing I ate last week was Adderall and grapefruit juice. It's a real knife fight. Come armed or not.

It's a knife fight here in Malibu. My son thinks he's a woman. It's a knife fight. Take the blades out and get caught. Someone's getting caught. My name is Tracy and I'm a real estate agent. And you can't take that away from me. You can take everything.

My fat sister and her husband in Ohio, those three disgusting kids, she's beat cancer three fucking times. They're so happy and they're above ground pool with their poverty. But she doesn't understand. I get in that white Jaguar license plate says sold and I drive down to PCH and I say it's a knife fight. It's a goddamn knife fight. Are you ready?

Not really. I'm not really. Tracy, you seem a bit intense. I feel like I'm not really ready for this sword fight. I'm not ready for it. It's that intensity that she hangs on to. Her husband blew her brains out years ago. She found his brain matter all over the kitchen table.

She didn't even move it. She just sat there. Took a little sip of cold brew and stared right out in the beautiful ocean. She's got a stunning estate. It's a stunning view. It's a knife fight. Life's a knife fight. That's probably your high school yearbook quote.

Life's a knife fight. I can't believe my, my goddamn, I can't believe I got so sunburn. I'm really fucked up. Like my sunburn, it's like bad. Looks bad, right? Yeah. It's like a bad one. It's very red.

It's very, very bad. My nose is like running. I think that's this room. Is your nose running a little too? It's the fucking studio. It's around like minute 30. It starts running. Yeah.

It's a studio. Thank God I have this magic spoon. Fucking hurts my mouth, but it won't hurt yours. If you don't have a, what do you think of it? Isn't it a nice cereal? I legitimately really like it. The fruity flavor is the best flavor. It's good.

I mean, it's good. It's good. You know, low and low and what it has to be and high and what it has to be as well. You know, it's both low and the bad and high and the good. And that's all we ask. And you don't feel shitty after you read it. Breakfast is a knife fight. You know what I mean?

It's a real knife fight this market for healthy cereal. We can get Kashi, you fucking Tivo wearing dyke. Put the Kashi down. It sucks. It's not good. So I don't think I'll be renting anything in Malibu. Cause I'm just not prepared for that level of aggression. What options does she give you?

Anything? I mean, I have to email her and I probably have to tell her. Then I tell her I have no credit. Right. I'm like, Hey, is there anyone in Malibu that wants to rent me something with no credit? I have money, but no credit. How do they feel about, Hey, how do you feel about this? Let me, let's talk about our knife before we get into the knife fight.

Because our knife is kind of dull. I found it on a train and it's got, it has some dried blood on it. So it has worked before, but I just don't know if we can get, you know, they probably have a real nice sharp, shiny knife, you know, from one of those Japanese block wood, you know, one of those knife collections that people buy. It's almost like a samurai sword. And I'm coming in with like adult butter knife used to kill a mother.

It's a goddamn knife fight. I just love the way they talk, man. I love, I love real estate agents. There's nobody I like more than if there is deep as a puddle. There is deep as a puddle this bit. I mean, there is nothing underneath there. It doesn't go deeper than that. It's market.

Hey Tim, this market's a real knife fight. So I'll tell you this right now. I don't care what the government's saying. People are snatching up these properties left and right. It's a real knife fight down here in Malibu. You know how many times a day she says that. Hey Karen, how are you Tracy? Just getting back to you.

It's heating up down here. Market's a real knife fight. You know how it is. They make stupid jokes that have to be like, you can't offend anyone. So the jokes have to be like dad jokes, you know. They have to be like, well, you know what happens? You get a little tequila.

I could be a little wild. I wish I felt. You know, that's what they're on drugs too. I mean, they're on. They have to be pumping themselves up. Yeah. Cause you know, here's the other thing. They're not wrong.

It's not, not a knife fight. Like it's a lot of rich people that are just throwing houses at each other down there and everybody wants to be in the best place for the summer. Yeah. I mean, it's just funny when you hear one of them talk because they're, it's exactly what I would have imagined her to say.

It's like perfect. Perfect. Have you ever met someone and they were a human being and it's so disappointing and you're like, no. No, don't tell me. Don't tell me your son has MS. Tell me it's a knife fight. No, I want to hear about the knife fight.

I want to hear about the billionaires throwing houses at each other on the beach. Oh, there's only a certain amount of plots that everyone wants to build. No. Oh, no, you have a lump on your brass. No, what about the knife fight? Can we go back to the good old knife fight?

The fake knife fight. The knife fight. That everyone fights with wire transfers and lawyers. I do like Malibu though. I was driving around and there's some beautiful, beautiful homes and, you know, God love the people that are there. It's just nice. The saltwater air is nice.

The fish is not that good. You know, I don't understand people in Malibu seafood and reel in. I mean, the East Coast fish is just better. The cuts of meat, they're colder. They're insulated more. They're the fish. They taste better.

It's very fishy out here. The Pacific fish is very fishy. I don't know why that is, but the East Coast fish is just better and I'm a big seafood person and I got to be honest. It's a little disappointing. That's why you got to just put it in a taco here. You just got to put, just put it in a taco. Just put it in a taco, a little avocado crema.

Come on, put a little pico de gallo in there. That's, it's very hard to just get a grilled piece of fish here and have you go, wow. There's none of that. Just put it in the top. Put it on the tortilla and just be done with it. Be done with it. It's fucking fishy.

I don't know why. There's not much we could do for the 200th episode folks. You know, I mean, a lot of people that we, we could have. I don't want to do the zoom. I don't have people on zoom. I don't like that. I know other people like listen, there's a million shows doing that. If you want that, go and get that.

Go and get that. Go and defend Bill Gates on zoom. Do whatever you want to do. And I'm not even going to Bill. I mean, I did for 30 minutes, but it's, he's a wacky boy. He's just got to be, he's a, he's a wild man and he got to rain him in a little bit. Billy, Bill, Billy boy. What are you trying to do?

Trying to get rid of the sun. Bill, rain it in. Rain it in, Bill. He's like, I want to save the planet for climate change. And it's like, and what? Have the people run it another way? Step aside and let the lava get him. What happened to those billionaires?

Because they step aside and let the lava get him. Yeah. We fucked the planet up. Let the planet eat us. Don't deny the planet that joy. Don't deny the planet the joy of eating us, striking back and lashing out at us. Please don't deprive them of, what about the planet? Have you ever thought about what the planet wants?

Global warming is nothing to do with the planet. It's the whole Harlem bit. It's everything to do with us. Planet doesn't give a fuck. So it's like, oh, Bill wants to save the planet. It's like, no, he wants to save your kids' dance studio. He wants to save the strip mall and fine, I get it. I'm not against humanity, but like, let's get fucking real here.

He's the best person ever, Bill. Don't say anything. He's done more for anyone that's ever lived. That's the thing going around Facebook. They're going, he's done more for people than any person that's ever lived. And people are saying mean things about Bill. It's crazy. Just because he wants to shoot nuclear weapons at the moon.

See what happens. He wants to send a spaceship full of nukes and detonate it and blow the moon up for a fourth of July show, because it's better than fireworks, and everyone's mad at him now. Why? He just wants a little chip in all of your children. And whenever they have a negative thought, it blinks, and they're told to never have a negative thought ever again.

And to get up every day and talk about how much they love this country and sing the national anthem, what's wrong with that? I don't understand why anyone would be mad at Billy, boy. That's the show, folks. Episode 200 in the bag, we are moving on. One episode free every week. If you want to get another episode, Patreon's $5 a month.

If you have even more money, give us 20 a month. You get one extra episode a week, plus a monthly, you know, two-hour long episode as well. So that's the deal. If you don't have the money, because things are fucked right now, everything we do here will always be free. You'll get four episodes every week, every month for free. You'll get all of our videos and shit like that,

100% of the time for free. So don't worry, there's more than enough shit out there. If you have the money and you want extra stuff, it's a great way to support the show and we appreciate it. But this has been 200 episodes, 200 hours of talking, really more, really more because we've done multi-hour episodes. Probably close to 250 hours of talking. It's a lot of talking.

We started this in 2016 with the great Ray Kump. At the behest of Louis Gomez, I had done Legion of Skanks. I was doing some other podcasts. I had done a bunch of podcasts before. I did one called The Unbelievable Podcasts by the Aliens. I did the early Tim Dillon show with the guys from Queens Network in 2011 with Andrew Zarian. And then eventually I started doing this show with Ray Kump

out of the guest digital studio, which was in Ralph Sutton's apartment. Of course with Legion of Skanks, Louis loved those guys. And then me and him and Nick still do a thing on YouTube, Bastard Radio. Louis, name that. We don't have to tell you that. You knew that when you heard the name. I got to start doing that better.

I mean, I just do it on Zoom. People don't really complain about the sound quality, though. People have been so beaten down with everything they don't care. Probably better if I hook up with a mic, but it cares. But that's a fun show. But yeah, and then we've been doing the Tim Dillon show. We left Gask. I moved to L.A. and we just wanted to go independent.

It was time. And when did we do that? You moved to L.A. June 1st. I think you went independent in July or August? Yeah. You started the picture on September? Yeah. So the show's grown massively.

We have a few celebrity listeners. Isn't that nice? And the celebrities are Bill Gates. Melinda Gates. His team of killers. He's going to hire the Descent on my apartment and kill me. Yeah, I mean, it's been a wild ride. When I started podcasting, I didn't think it was going to be my career.

I thought it was going to be something that I would do while I got my show on Comedy Central. How funny is that? I thought podcasting was going to be just a fun thing I could do to stay strong as a stand-up while I got my show on Comedy Central Network that now doesn't exist, essentially. As of a few weeks ago, it really doesn't exist. So, especially, thank God I pivoted. The only reason I've been successful at anything, people ask me like, are you a harder worker?

Sure, there's some innate talent or whatever, but the reality is I get bored easily. So I got bored with stand-up, and I still love stand-up. I still do it. But I got bored with it, so I started doing podcasting. And then I got bored with podcasting, so me and Ben started making content, videos, things like that, to put on YouTube, social media. So the reality is, if anything, I think it's about getting bored and doing new things, not stopping doing old things, but adding new things to your repertoire. And we really started doing the show, and the show became stronger because of Ben.

Essentially, Ben and me have really made it into something that we both enjoy. We both enjoy doing, and we enjoy making these videos. We want this to grow and get as big as you guys will allow it to get. But yeah, I mean, from where we are now, even where we were a year ago or a few years ago, it's like you can't even, it's not identifiable. And Joe Rogan's a huge part of that, by having me on the show as much as he's had me on the show, and by promoting us and putting out our videos and everything like that. Of course, we don't forget that.

And there's a lot of other people that have helped me out here too, but I'm not going to mention them by name because it's like whatever. It wasn't the hugest help. It was fun. I mean, Joe's a bigger help, to be honest. I'm not going to go down a laundry list of people that are, we get it. Okay, you know, these other shows I've helped out by being honest. So the reality is, the reality is that we're grateful. We're grateful for the heroes. Anyone who's had me on their podcast, The Hero, in my book, The Hero.

But it's been a wild ride. We are broadcasting at the end of the world. This is the apocalypse. For most people, it's not to sell and choose, you know, to sneakers. You know, the great thing about this country and about civilization is like, the longer and longer things like this go, the shutdown, the worsening economy, the black mirror, whatever you want to call it, I heard the black mirror was named that because it was like what a computer looks like when it's off. Yeah, that just looms larger and larger. That just grows.

Now, as outside gets more dangerous or more contentious, you know, as it looks, it's going to start looking worse, you know, cities are going to go bankrupt in states and they're not going to be able to keep anything up and the people are going to get angrier and they're going to be civil unrest. It's going to be all that stuff, most likely. And as the outside gets uglier, you're going to fall into the computer. You're going to fall into that black mirror. You're just going to fall in there and then you're going to exist primarily digitally for the rest of your lives. I mean, this is just what is going to happen. Some of you may hold out the last vestiges of freedom

that you, you know, drink deep the wine of freedom. There's not a ton left in your glass. I don't even mean some more well-earned government. I just mean like everything is integrated itself into this, you know, you're fucked. I mean, every which way you're just going to, the future is digital. It's on a screen. Your friends are on screens. It's horrific. It's a horror. I hate it. It sucks. It sucks and it's not real. And a lot of the people that have gotten massive digitally when you look at them and it's not like guys at Grogan who remember the other side. They remember real life, you know?

But he needs to stand up. So he's always out there with you. But when you talk about these big YouTube guys, a lot of these guys that we meet out here, and not even so much like Logan Paul, because those guys still are out in the real world. He's fighting. He's doing like real things. But then there are these guys who like never, they just exist online and when you meet them, there's something missing. And I can't identify what it is. They're just, they're kind of not there. They're only alive if they're on a screen. There's something sick about it. There's something sad about it. And that thing will be the future.

I mean, it's unfortunate, but that's probably, I mean, not to deliver it dystopian. I mean, the show, the show for the last three years, I think it's been largely positive. And so I don't want to do a negative thing on the 200th episode because it's not me. It's not me and it's not what you expect. You know, start your business. It's going to be great. So hustle and grind, hustle grind, hustle grind, hustle grind it out, grind it out, hustle it out, hustle grind it out. But I will say this, man, I mean, we would always joke around about this situation that we now find ourselves in, broadcasting from a room as the entire world falls apart. This seems to be one of the only appropriate art forms at the moment.

It does seem like that. It doesn't seem like it's, I don't know that I need to be at some, you know, comedy club while people are scarfing down chicken fingers. This seems much more pertinent and this seems fitting. It really seems like it fits the time that we're in. I love live performance. I hope it comes back. It will come back and I'll be out there doing it when it does come back. But there's just something about this that just for the moment, for the moment and maybe for the foreseeable future feels right. And I'm very happy that we did this and we, we start, and by did this, I mean the coronavirus, we started the coronavirus, we engineered this and released it.

And it's worked so well. I had no idea. No, I mean the podcast. It's a, it's a crazy time, but I, you know, I don't want everybody to just fucking exist on the internet, but that seems like where we're headed. It seems like where we're headed. Some of you have been there for years, so everybody will just catch it up to you now. You know, you've been on 8chan, 4chan, 8kun, kan, chan, mon, whatever it is, making all your friends there and having fun conversations about the future. And we're all catching up.

Eventually it'll all be, it'll all be on the, you know, soul online now, right? So, I mean, this is happy. I'm happy about this. I mean, you know, not, not, not, not, I'm not thrilled about it, but we're adjusting to it. And I'm hoping we can adjust back. I'll never be the guy that just wants to exist in this medium. I'll never be the guy that just wants to do it. I'll always be the, I'll always enjoy, as much as I enjoy the show, as much as I do this, I'll always love a shitty comedy club in the middle of nowhere, looking at real people,

seeing their faces, shaking their hands when we were allowed to do that. I'll always enjoy that more, even though I'm good at this and this is fun. I'll always enjoy that more because it's real. It's actually, I don't know who you are out there. I know, I don't know that I want to know. But that exchange that we have of energy in a real life situation, a comedy club or in a theater, that to me was always, that's what it's about to me. This is in support of that. This is all in support of that.

And we hope we get back there sooner rather than later, but this is a great fucking show. I mean, if I could list every horrible podcast out there, I mean, if I could go through them. I mean, God, but I can't because these people are my colleagues. You know, if you've ever been to an office, you walk in every day, hey, Linda, you suck. You can't, you go, hey, Linda, good to see you. It's what it is. I'm kidding. Everyone's great at what they do. And I'm honored to be in a community of comedians in America that every one of them's a joy and a blessing.

Netflix has a new spade movie on Netflix. Man, it's good. They're wrong, Missy. It's good. And Lauren Labkis, who said to me when I was doing a show, she said to me once, I was doing jokes on the show and it was being funny. That's kind of what the show was. You do jokes on it. And Lauren Labkis looked at me. She's like, what are you, the hot take guy?

So I, you know, me and her, we're not like besties. We don't really know each other. But let me tell you this. She makes that film. She is fucking amazing. She's so good in that movie. And it's so, she's, it's so fucking funny because of her and other people. Swartons and a lot of great people are in.

It's beige. It's great movie. But Labkis is just to stand out like crushes the movie. And yes, I am the hot take guy. And one of my hot takes is how lovely you are in the film. How good you are in the movie. So that's it, folks. I mean, that's the state of the union.

That's where we are and where we're going. There's nothing you or Bill Gates could say about it. So if you want to sell me, if you want to sue me, bill it by you, Melinda, get to it. But I, I best you ignore this. Best you ignore me and you keep finding ways to block out the sun.