The Tim Dillon Show - 201: 201 - A Sense Of Time (ft. Ray Kump)

Episode Date: May 24, 2020

Tim talks memorial day weekend, big boy cab dispatchers, the type of fame he deserves, and finally proves that Raymond Kump is in fact alive and well. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Ray Kump (Keto Kump) plugs: https://www.instagram.com/raykump/?hl=en https://twitter.com/RayKump https://www.patreon.com/RayKump Ray's Beats - https://soundcloud.com/user-987490101 Please Support Our Sponsors: www.ridge.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim Dillon show it is Memorial Day weekend the kickoff to summer and what a wild and wet summer It's gonna be It's gonna be partying boozing it up at the beach buds and suds real fun Splishing and splashing what a joyous time. We're gonna have this summer. I mean could anything be more fun masks and gloves and spikes and Wave runners jet skis Beach balls and corona balls and just you know Make of it what you will the funds there if you find it the fun is there if you find it

Ventilators and fireworks What a summer Beaches are opening up. I Guess they have a drones drones will fly over to beaches tell you the social distance in the water That'll be nice won't it won't that be nice You're on the beach and a drone goes, please keep six feet of distance Be nice Just you'll be like is that a jellyfish. You'll see it's just a drone

Let's see just drones in the water swimming around. Is that a shark? No, it's a robotic It's a robotic Reminder to stay six feet away from another human being isn't that nice What a fun summer it's gonna be I'm trying to do I'm on these some of these dating apps man the nightmare the hell of some of these dating apps people are just really First of all the humor on dating apps like the cute cute see humor Like the great thing about people that are really hot is that they never have to communicate effectively that's such an important part of Really hot people's relationships is because they're commute their communications all physical

So when you see really hot people talk to each other They just giggle because they're just want to fuck each other the whole time and they're just thinking about how much they want to Fuck the other person and then they're just like laughing at that. They're like giggling. They're like, oh, oh, oh The bread's good. I wanted to be your dick But other people Have to like actually try to relate to other people and it's nightmarish Like they're on these dating apps like one guy goes if you don't like Disney like we'll get along if you like Disney It's like you have a you have a Disney ultimatum

Like what is wrong with you? You have a Disney deal breaker Just the dumb jokes that and also the fuck Trump shirts and the like that's your life That you don't like Trump. That's your hole. That's what you that's what you're selling That you you don't like Trump There's nothing else except that

How sad How deeply tragic your life must be And all these dating app questions are like if there was a movie about your life, what would it be? It's like these stupid dumb Meaningless You know cutesy fun questions you're supposed to have like cute banter you're supposed to like comment on

people's questions and everything like that it's so Worthless, you know like you look at these My favorite thing to do alone is listen to viby music and chill This is these are real people Fact about me that surprises people I speak Spanish fluently I Mean what I I

Wanted to write like fact about me that surprises someone I killed a woman something like that That's real humor not some goofy shit That's something like actually funny My love language is acts of service I Mean how sick Are these people My personal brand is dark humor as it defends coping mechanism that's somebody and I guarantee they have a horrible sense of humor

It's just so bad out there man. I'm not saying I'm surprised, but I'm able to come up with better answers than this What I order for the table every time somebody goes mozzarella sticks every time where are you where are you eating? You trash bag Gay guys always think to the star of their own movie so they love things like this They're they're they're incapable of realizing that there are other people out there and that they are not interesting They're not stars. They're not they the whole show does not need to be centered around them But it's not possible for many of them because many of them were told they were very special They're a whole entire life people told me are special, but they were right

See the difference they were correct But a lot of other people were getting bad information fake news The summer is here and the beaches are opening and it's going to be very fun to see How this plays out? I don't know anything about virus transmission. So we shall see CDC was like by the way It doesn't really live on surfaces are bad thought it lived on surfaces You know how you were wiping down your groceries for the last three months Frantically scrubbing every surface you came in contact with well, we were wrong about that. Sorry

We figured we would err on the side of caution and just tell you that this thing's trying to kill you Every way on inanimate objects out of the mouths of people We just figured that the default was to have you terrified of everything not only people but desks Elevator buttons anything now. I'm sure it is possible transmission, but they say that Transmission is actually rather Unlikely the great rake comp will be coming up in the broadcast later on he is not dead That was a rumor floating around rake comp is alive and wild as ever and when he comes on the show today He dropped some I mean things we should probably edit out. He's completely

He's just he's an untamed man, you know, he is just I Believe I asked him how he was doing with the quarantine one time and he said I'm no longer in a dark room I have a sense of time That was his answer. I am no longer in a dark room. I have a sense of time So just to give you an idea of what you're dealing with there with the great rake comp when he joins us as well Thank you everybody for retweeting You know or or sharing on Instagram the corona ball video that we made where I War a corona ball costume and went around Los Angeles. I did not think my career was going to be this but it is

We live in a you know life is an unending series of nightmares and that is I Got rid of my manager who I'd been with for three years good guy, but we just had to part ways I wanted a real Hollywood manager. I've signed with somebody by the name of just slain Maxwell and she is Going to be representing me. We'll put her info on the website if anybody wants to contact her We haven't had a face-to-face meeting yet, but she seems very excited about the brand

She wants to meet me in a canyon by Malibu late at night. So Who knows she told me to come alone without a cell phone Weird these Hollywood managers are weird, you know Melinda Gates is gonna drive me Melinda Gates that she'll drive me to this meeting with my new Hollywood manager You know It'll be awkward if I met Bill and Melinda, you know, yeah, I was like, hey

What's up? Bill Gates is like did you do a video where you implied that I had sex with a bat and Gave birth to coronavirus and I'd have to go Yes, I did Because you didn't not do that Bill You know, but go smash that retweet button. That's what youtubers talk to like. Yo, what's up? It's your boy It's your boy Tim Dillon YouTube. Yo, what's up YouTube? It's your boy Tim. Don't smash that like button smash every today We're filling my kiddie pool with cheerios. I

Don't know why we're doing it, but we're doing it It's got 90 million views because we live in a fallen world Where people have no families in the role on opiates and they just want to put makeup on their face and watch me swim around in cheerios Cuz life's a hell anyway death to anyone that had any talent like and subscribe Smash that retweet button Today, I'm driving a Lamborghini up a hill. Don't know why But you're gonna fucking watch it love it and share it don't you wish you had a Lamborghini You've got nothing inside of you. Don't even look don't even look for anything to put inside of you

Just like and subscribe smash it, baby It's what YouTube's all about, you know YouTube's all about it's like what if we ate chicken fingers In a hot air balloon That's like what YouTube content is they're like like and subscribe, you know We're spending a lot of money on this video, but I don't care because I want to make you guys happy I want to make you guys happy. That's why for this video. We're giving my grandma COVID-19 That's right. It's just like six kids going

Just grabbing an old woman go and just coughing down a throat We're switching my grandmother's vent or ventilator out with an accordion like and subscribe smash that retweet button I'm lit. I've literally never felt I Have no conscience. I'm perfectly suited to succeed in this country like and subscribe smash to retweet button My best friend died in front of me, and I didn't blink smash that retweet button like and subscribe I'm 46 and I dress like a 12 year old like and subscribe I'm in my mid 40s. My fan base is nine like and subscribe I mean

So we're just trying to succeed in new mediums that's what we're trying to do We're trying to go into new mediums. It's I'm not perfect. I get it You know, I'm just you know I'm just trying to branch out into the into the new world We're trying to make funny things. That's all So go like and subscribe so go subscribe to the Tim Dillon show on YouTube If all of you did that that would be great But many of you don't do that and I don't know why because you think you better because you're listening to this while you jog around and you

Don't go subscribe Okay Support YouTube's not helping us Instagram is not gonna help us none of these tech Giants are going to help us because we're you know, we're a little edgy a little unpredictable We're funny. It's just funny Mark Norman at a great point. He goes edgy just used to mean funny Like he would go to meetings and they'd be like, yeah, that's this thing you're doing is edgy He'd be like that's good, right? Maybe like we're nervous, but like it just meant funny. So all we are here is funny So go and support us

We appreciate how much you guys support the patreon. We love that. That's great Our patreon episodes are good, but also in the larger scheme of things we also need to make sure that you guys are out there and You know wearing the merch sharing the episodes literally being devoted to me in a way that's unhealthy scaring people losing friends over how much you bring up the videos stalking me trying to kill me Forcing me to live somewhere else deep in the Hollywood Hills with security afraid to leave my house Coming up to me in grocery stores screaming when you see me falling down on the street crying making it uncomfortable

Threatening to kill yourself killing yourself coming back to life because it didn't work telling me that I'm the reason that you came back to life You met me in the afterlife and I am God That's the YouTube fame. That's the type of fame that those motherfuckers have and that's a fame that I deserve I deserve a fan base of emo psychopaths on the edge of a Mass shooting or killing themselves, but instead they decide to consume my content. I Deserve Instagram DMs and Twitter DMs from people telling me that I'm the only thing that stands between them and putting a gun in their mouth That's what I deserve. That's the kind of fan base. I deserve not these fucking lackluster 30 year olds

It may see me at zanies and may not I mean a hardcore group of sick fucks that need help Cutters people are afraid to leave their home The only reason they do it is on the off chance that they'll bump into me in a barking lot And it'll be like Moses in the burning bush and they fall and start screaming They they drop their phone cuz they're shaking they go into some parkasins like frenzy whenever they see me and people that even look like me Fat people and lesbians anybody that looks like me. They do a double take in their pulse quickens and their heart goes up That's the kind of fan base. I deserve. I'm sick of these comedy fan lackluster Maybe we'll see him when he comes into Tulsa. Maybe he won't I want a digital fan base of

Psychopaths kids that are sent home from school because they're good there They're they might self-harm and I want the only thing to be in their phone is a picture of me And they've carved an X into my face because I am a god to them. I am a deity That's online fame and I want it Just buy the shirt that's what I'm saying buy the life in the big city shirt You see these youtubers that go to malls people go crazy they start screaming for them these tick-tockers Why am I not in the hype house? Or the sway house. I think sway house is better as well

Why am I why can't I be big honey? There's a little honey. I should be big honey Little honey is a tick-tocker who's got three trillion followers and he's he weighs 19 pounds And he's just like he looks like Ryder strong the kid who was in Boy meets world and his name is chase hud It's like could there be a more tick-tocky name than chase hud It's like my name is chase. My name is Madison chase. I'm rich and you're not you know My name is is this is Gucci Lamborghini, you know, it's like and and this this kid is just a massive massive Success and I don't begrudge anyone their success. He's successful because like they'll they do a rap song and they sing to it

And they try to avoid the n-word. They're like all my not gonna mouth that one dance by the pool They just dance by the pool That's what it is Just dance by the pool, you know and God love them But that's what I want to do I want to be invited to one of these homes and I want to begin to make content with these people I think I have a lot to add. I think I have a lot. Why let's make a dance about imperialism Let's do it

Let's make a dance about the CIA killing Michael Hastings in front of the tree Let's do it a tick-tock like look here goes the car Drive the car Kennedy would do the Kennedy dance like why not involve Some element of conspiracy thinking in the dance. Why not do a great depression dance? Well, we all were online at like the food bank People are coughing. They don't have any health insurance I'm just saying I can go to different medium. I'm trying to expand the mediums. I

Don't want to just sit here and yell a new microphone while I just get the cab dispatcher fat Because that's no reason to not Cab dispatchers in Long Island like 7,000 pounds over guys whose arms is anyone like hey Bobby Do car do car and go to do car You just pick that guy up on Ocean Avenue to car to car you pick him up on ocean. Yeah Do car we just got him. We picked him up on ocean All right, you be smoking a cigarette. All right. All right. All right. You got to go down in McDonald's Street Got a to car go to McDonald's Street. I'm 600 pounds. I'm smoking a cigarette go to McDonald's Street to car

Do car they never let it was always a small little room in a train station They never left it was like a little hot and they fit just in the hot their fat was like Was like literally pouring out of the windows and they just like the only movement they did was they would move their hand to their mouth with the cigarette That was in the old days when you used to take cabs to do cocaine to get cocaine and do it You know, not everybody could do cocaine in the Hollywood Hills. Some people have to do it in Long Island in a cab We used to be able to smoke cigarettes at cabs there were there were great times in this country is what I'm saying

You don't know what freedom was Freedom was stealing money from your family and being able to smoke a cigarette in a cab on the way to get cocaine With a pregnant woman named Michelle The Great Raymond Cump will come up is Coming up here. All right, everybody. He's a longtime lister first-time caller. He is not dead So many people Messaged me is Ray dead. He hasn't put out his podcast. We've not heard from him on social media What say you sir?

I've I've gone over some existential Depression I'm feeling better People better people like you do not get to have existential Crises I I don't know to tell you I look I was planned before you called me and thank you for calling have me on the show I was planning on you know Restarting the podcast this weekend I'm Look, my podcast is I don't like you know liking myself to an Andy Kaufman or a or Lenny Bruce

But you know, I'm a mercurial figure in the world and That's why you know, that's my value. I'm not the guy. I'm not the bread and butter guy I'm the guy. I'm the spice you add in Correct to the bread and I need to go back underground You're the spice that gets added to the bread and butter where people go wait a minute. What's going on? No, I told people that I said the great thing about raise you couldn't get what you get when you get it Look, I'm not trying to be you know a terrorist about it. I'm trying to be egotistical

But you know, it's uh, if there's a genius to me it comes in, you know, I'm not gonna force it I'm not gonna give you I'm not Ryan Seacrest. All right. How much you want to make me him now? And it is awkward for many people because many fans you you share a considerable fan base with Ryan Seacrest The people that would be into what he's doing. You are a close second Look and what Ryan does what he does. I'm not gonna condemn him before it you know Great would it be if you had a meeting with like a manager in Asia and you're like, listen, Ryan Seacrest says what it does I'm not gonna condemn him for it

But I'm offering something similar that I think a lot of people will respond positively to if you know economics I am a substitution Clinical term, I know you know what a substitution is but it I remember being economics class in high school And they told me that Pepsi wasn't a substitution for coke But mustard was a substitution for ketchup, which I understand. I still think it's bullshit This is the kind of thing they teach you in high school instead of how the Federal Reserve works, right? That's true That's a very good point. Yeah, I liked it immediately We went from substitution economics to food like that's the only way you can teach Americans anything

They're like peanut butter. It's not a substitution for jelly. Listen up. Listen up you fat fucks Big beans, however, is a substitution for fun. Yes, everyone's like, right, right Makes sense. It is Memorial Day weekend. What have you done for the troops? What have you done for this country? What have you done to commemorate the sack the brave men and women who've sacrificed their lives so that we can sit here today? Many American ones Nothing for the Americans. No, sorry Yeah, there's certain certain look I I respect bravery where I see it I'm bravery, you know, you don't get to be us and be brave

I think brave About you know bombing a village when you're in some kind of you know, like hamster wheel plane You know can't be hurt. I think it's almost more impressive that we're not brave We're like running the world and we're kind of chicken shit, right? That's we're terrified of everything in this country and the idea that we've sold ourselves is like brave and it's kind of even better What's interesting though is some respect to the troops because it's a weird It's not like could we grew up thinking that that you know, and they were told us that like this weird Sheltered myth that's still weird that like basically they would not let a single American die

Even if it meant killing a hundred enemy right and like that's kind of the model like black Hawk down like no We don't care. We will get their body back when reality. They'll let the troops, you know, it's more about like, you know Mitch McConnell being safe and we're not ever criticizing the troops there You are sometimes and I do sometimes too, but I say about the troops I will suck many of the troop sticks depending on as long as they're good in good shape. Yeah But we we're always criticizing the government that sends the troops out to do the things A certain subset of troops much like cops not all cops, but they join because they want to do certain things

Very true. I mean sometimes you get in the game because you want to play Right, right Look, it's just you know, and it's fun. Look, I'm not even condemning that I get it I get why hurting people could be fun from a certain point of view. Yes, you know, but You know, we can't allow it in civilized society sometimes do it over there Be a hero and go do it there Don't hurt people in your own town Am I too old to join up at this point? I think I might be um

I don't know if it's age, but it's literally everything else Right about you and me I have a lot to offer militarily I mean, I'm all anti-war but if they gave me the keys, I'll I'll fucking drop some bombs Just give me some power. I'll fucking you know, I'll make up for You know, I'm like, I'm like, what's his name? I'm like, uh Kissinger, I wish we were in Long Island and we could go to like the blue angels fly over at Jones Beach You know

It was jobs different jobs. They had the yo, I mean my family goes to the blue angels this weekend So they get pictures with them and like 40 year old men. What are you doing? We're going to see the blue angels this weekend. They fly over and they make us proud Well, are those guys like current Air Force guys or are they like drunk like, you know, they kind of like the The ex uh gunslinger is like going around with Buffalo Bill. I mean, these are guys you like did the my line massacre, you know These are like these are people Who've done the worst things They're probably the biggest war criminals we have. We just put them in blue planes and they do tricks

Yeah I mean, these are people who've probably to blood on their hands is of hundreds of thousands Of millions of and you imagine in Long Island. That's what they say like they point up to this guy to go You see that plane the guy in that plane killed 80,000 people He's the first guy to drop beige and orange He killed 80,000 people 5,000 of them were were our own troops who made the sacrifice because we were testing out drugs on them They came and spelled the foliant

Oh Did you ever do anything from memorial to is memorial day something people celebrate? I can't even remember Yeah, well, we used to have like, um I see I could get blurred together because you know, my uncle Mike would have a barbecue on memorial and veterans day So start and end of summer and he had a nice like a half acre property in comac and uh, let me ask was he a Veteran I think he was a veteran in Korea. He was a medic but he got you know stabbed in the arm

Okay, so he had two of a lizard like a lizard On his arm. He also got stabbed there He had a purple heart Did he ever get intense when he had a barbecue? He ever throw a few back and it got a little weird Oh, well, he threw a few back. He was definitely on the Drunker side of an alcoholic. Yeah But you know, isn't it like he was a fun drunk. Yeah He was never he got he used to like Tabasco. He was like he loves spice. He loves spicy foods love Tabasco

I remember my grandma complaining once because he like almost died choking on Tabasco sauce and Thanksgiving and uh He would make scenes in that way, but he wasn't you know, he wasn't a racist I don't think he probably was but how do you choke on a sauce? Well, I think it's just going into convulsions. Uh, you know, it's just closing up your throat. Maybe I'm not sure And he put he was just like Dose it like keep going with it. You know, just just a whole bottle on the turkey R. I. P. Mike, you know R. I. P. Uncle Mike

He's a good man Yeah, he was the last guy He's a good man. There's always like a time Usually if you're at like a barbecue, what's a guy you served, especially that age group Or like he gets drunk and then in the middle you just hear him say something like better man than you But you know, like some like scent of a woman Like outburst Well, he would never do that. So

Now I'm an adult man and I'm looking back for I haven't thought about him in a while But he was so nice. He was so like always the life of the party and always just like good hearted So he probably did some bad shit. Yeah He probably was you know, if I had he probably got his fill of being aggressive Yeah, I don't remember I remember like we would me and my father would go Like when they had these blue angel flyovers, like we would hang out with his friend who owned a steakhouse and and and a few of his friends and we would all like drive to

uh Jones beach that strip of land in long island and then watch the blue angels and then just drive back To uh, you know, someone's house and sit in the backyard and You know, and I don't I don't remember if that was memorial day or fourth of july it all kind of blurs I mean, if you think about fourth july, well See, I was a kid. We always stayed put on fourth of july, but I guess people move around I guess people go to the beach and stuff but uh

Memorial for fourth of july feels more like, you know, you wouldn't want to necessarily leave like jump houses back and forth But maybe people do I don't I guess we always had our house I just I what I love about long island is there's an unending well just a deep well of patriotism Yeah, well look after 9 11 we went driving around just honking our horns just uh waving flags You know, it was fun. I mean like it was It was I'm not saying it was worth it. Uh, but it was nice. Yeah Well, we bang there are people that bang pots and pans now For nurses that can't hear them

Yeah, I mean I live in brooklyn. I'm here. Apparently they cheer every day. I've never heard this I haven't left my apartment in two and a half three months I love that you went out and you started banging a pot or a pan. You would be immediately arrested The cops would be like getting the fucking car. You'd be like, I'm doing this for the heroes You'd be like get the fuck in this car He's talking about his nurse. I think he's part of the yeah, he'll be yeah He's trying to kill this nurse with a pot He's got a weapon of you. Yeah

They shoot you three times. He's got a weapon. I'm trying to do this for the fucking heroes I mean look what's going on? I mean, I think we're at a third of what we were the peak in new york I kind of went through I Wherever I was a month and a half ago. I kind of know about as much. I kind of stopped listening to anything Um, I know a few and they're starting to try to reopen this shit So we're probably gonna go right back into a pandemic Uh, look at the split. Yeah, I I just don't know If the people or the system of government, I don't know what is worth saving here

Oh, it's a great point because here's the thing We have handled this so poorly on every one that we have to do this. We have to ruin the economy No, if any of us were reasonable I mean if trump and his cronies had gotten tests But also if people had just like stayed home on st. Patty's day, it would have saved a lot of lives Right, you know drinking green beer and eggs or whatever they do. Yeah, but people don't want to live I mean, that's really the crux of it people in this country Have a death wish and they're allowed to have it and they should have it

Well, we have to live for right right Look It's one thing People have this image of Rome where like the the Huns and Attila was on on on the footsteps of Rome And it was all and like we won't we don't mind going out like that the blades of glory They forget that there was hundreds of years of kind of decay And like, you know losing your grip before that happened and that's what we're in Like there's no fun being in the gradual freefall

Yeah, there was hundreds of years in Rome of payday loans and bad baby and fucking Whatever version just the dumbing down of everybody and Pipe's giving people fucking epilepsy or whatever. Yeah, just the plays being bad You know, whatever roman version of theater they had people being like these suck now. These used to be funny I mean the tiger eating a fucking I don't know like a fucking No more christian. They stop eating the chris. That's the problem For a while they were eating the christians and people like that

But then they start becoming christian and like no one who wants this You know, we we want fucking Rome was founded on like let's kill each other Let's get some blood in their hands and they come up with jesus and it's like what no, but we crucified this guy Yeah, we got rid of him Jesus or as we call him today, andrew qualmo right Uh, maybe don't kill you a grim like the the the ideas

that like I Knew that I was like having a cosmic break or like a split with humanity Well, like people like no one respected. Thank god not you because we're usually on the same page But people like no one liked we're like you gotta watch andrew qualmo speech It is the most inspirational thing you'll ever see and I watch it. I'm like, what the fuck are these people talking about The bar is so low now Because if you look look if you go back and watch jack kennedy jonath kennedy president kennedy The speeches were well written, you know, charles good with whatever whoever he had right informed. There were good speeches

It was barely inspiring. Obama was pretty good like though and they blow away this fucking meatball peddler. All right But you also can't blame people because like They're just impressed that someone isn't literally Calling someone, you know the n-word right on national television You know, he doesn't behind the scenes though qualmo watch the governor right now. He's he has not said the n-word This is elida. This is somebody we can all get behind He says it behind closed doors with his family. I bet you he says it plenty during a sweet 16 of nights at columbus Right when he's goosing 17 year old girl

Dirty andrew qualm. Let's start a rumor that andrew qualm was a pedophile But only over 16 and over he's not the other type. Yeah Yeah, he's in a heba file or whatever they call Let's start something called meatball gait about the qualmo brothers and say that they're both running a human trafficking ring They have a thing where they have they they hold a meatball between each other's cocks And then the girl has to come and eat the meatball You have no idea what the qualmo boys do. They have something called sausage and peppers. Okay You know what sausage and peppers is when they take their dicks

And they're both fucking a girl and then they start cutting their skin up with knives. So it's like onions and peppers They're sick the qualmo boys. Yeah I mean honestly here his brother Is he still like like dying in a basement somewhere in like westchester? The whole thing was fake He claimed to have coronavirus and he claimed to cure it by stretching No, he was like I do these breathing exercises and it's not just breathe. You have to really breathe I'm like, what is he talking about? He's a silver halide. Yeah, and then like two days later. He's like dancing in his house and every I mean, it's like

Hey, listen, I don't I need to see the test result. I I I smell a rat No, sure look uh Idris alba probably didn't have it tom hanks didn't like, you know I think it's a real thing. I do think some of these celebrities, you know, they just fucking said, hey You know, we we need to calm people down Why don't you go do a little skype channel thing? Do you think

Do you think boris johnson had it or do you think he just spent a few days in a hotel? That don't fuck wouldn't stop shaking the hands of like dying like patients So he probably did have he's old school british. He's going to the third world and like kissing fucking third world people like lepers, you know You died for the british empire. Yeah Congratulations. I like to walk around mumba and just kiss kiss legless legless women They they they're thankful for britain. They're thankful for it and I make sure they know how lucky they are I give them a big wet kiss. They have one tooth in their mouth and I'll lick it Yeah, he's a um

He's uh an interesting character. What's your friends of david cameron, right? Like he was one of the same prep schools and everything I didn't know that Yeah, yeah, he like he's fucking street. He pretends to be this fucking like man of the people kind of guy He literally went to like the same exact fucking like was it warting over there? Are you telling me are you telling me that the ruling class has split off into two groups? One that pretends to be men of the people and one that are clearly comfortable being not men of the people And yet they're both rich. They both protect each other and they both Propagate the same policies largely. I'm whoa. I don't have any proof yet, but

Go watch the blue angels to get proud of being an american Those guys drop bombs on people and murdered them. They killed all those people that were gonna kill us All those people in vietnam that were gonna come here and kill your family. They killed them all those kids Was it impressive when you saw it? I mean not really even then. I think it's a kid. You barely care. You're a kid. You don't give a fuck You just want to go smoke weed You know, you just want to get high. You don't want to you don't care about what the fucking blue angels are doing I just I love the displays of patriotism in long island are particularly

hysterical Well, I love is like because you look at russians. We both lost the americans again recently and like, you know still like People who are alive during world war two from russia Like they embrace like how brutal I like we lost 40 million people like we're all just eating shit and fucking, you know Like eating rocks America like the height of patriotism was like the first gulf war when like no one died Like that's patriotism in america is which when like absolutely no sacrifice. Yeah, like black hawk down like

I think we lost 10 guys and killed a thousand and people found that depressing They went to a deep depression Kind of that and then we pulled out like it's a it's really a real cock kind of patriotism Yeah, it's the greatest the greatest war was a gulf war because it's a guy that we installed Put into power supported armed tried to take out didn't take him out Like you like Yeah, right right tricked him into going into koi right with operation gladio I

Yeah, but also I didn't the fucking uh rumsfeld or wherever give him the nod Fine go ahead. We were like we basically implied like we wouldn't care Just just do what you got to do We just want the oil gives us shit. Just say you're doing a blue angels flyover Just say you're trying to inspire the people I mean, he'll give shit a trump about having his military parade or whatever, but what's the blue angels? Right, right

I just love the idea like Uh, remember jet blue started doing that low flyover over new york city for corona virus and everybody was like Everyone thought 9 11 was happening. They're like, what the fuck is wrong with jet blue I don't look. I mean, it's dumb on their part, but also like After the fifth day we knew oh planes aren't gonna hit us again They never did in the first place probably it's probably CIA like you like can you stop being such fucking cocks that you're afraid of 9 11 again? We already got the virus thing going I gotta fucking bomb I'm not gonna fly a plane to a building. You can just imagine like somewhere like the virginia

They're doing a pitch meeting and they're like, what about more planes? We got a virus. It's great It's good. What we got right now is great. They don't leave their houses. They're terrified They're gonna let us put chips in their ass like we don't need any planes And it's just a disappointed CIA guy He's got two planes like like he worked hard on this mock-up and he's just like He just walks out of the room and he's like fuck, you know He's like fuck. It's all the germ people now. That's all they care about is the germ people He's like I entrapped three muslim guys last week. No one cares

He called up Larry Silverstein like sorry Larry's no go Larry's a no go we tried He we tried he's like He's like I handed three muslim guys the anthrax last week. No one cares. No one cares because of this bat disease Who came up with this? You know I mean We're just having fun folks. It's an entertaining program. We don't believe any of that We believe everything

that we're told Michael Hastings was a fucking drunk. He was in drunk I love that. I love like going overboard where you're like you're trying to back the official narrative But then you go like well, well, you're like JFK had it coming and I mean that a random guy killed him JFK was a rapist and he sold out this country and what I mean by that I mean, what do you think happens with the some what kind of summer are you are you expecting to have? Uh, not much. Um, I might Depending on the situation in uber out to long island

See some people if it's like, you know open, but we're pretty much staying inside. I mean, I'm working from home right now. Um Honestly, like the time blurs for me. It's kind of weird like it's I mean, I have a I have a balcony I can so it's not like I'm just you know, you know, like I'm not like, you know, a lightless room like I used to be I I have a sense of time, but uh I won't be going. Yeah, I'm not gonna be barbecuing every weekend. I just love like the idea that somebody calls you to check up on you And they're like, hey, how are you doing? And you're like, I'm not in a lightless room like I used to be I have a sense of time

I have a sense of time now And it's like it's like what kind of game of thrones answer is that like the three-eyed raven has seen the future And the future is the blue angels will fly over long island and fat people will say the n word right Yeah, I mean, I I I see myself being a little more careful than a lot of people probably Well, we both are not small No, yeah, you know Not particularly healthy. Not particularly healthy. I mean, I'm trying. It's very hard. It's very difficult

Right So I'm not gonna venture out too much. I'm gonna maybe do these meals where they send you the meal Well, like blue apron Yes, but they're that you cook they have ones where it's like meal prep you just buy a bunch of meals It's like nine or ten dollars a meal and you just heat them up and eat them That's not bad. I mean, uh, what's the company? We'll talk about later. There's a bunch of them None of them are sponsoring the show so I'm not advertising any of them Yeah, um

Keto see every magic spoon keto cereal Is it good? No, it tastes like fruit loops. You like fruit loops Sure So if you eat magic spoon, it's fruit loops, but it's none of the gill What's in it? Well, how do you do we have a magic spoon ahead this week? We do like if we do what is it meat? It's a meat cereal. Yes. I'm dead serious It's it's dried turkey meat Wow

It's dried fruit. It's dried turkey meat and they toss it in a fruit dust A fruit dust but fruits got sugar in it But it's not fruit. It's it's it's meat. It's meat that tastes like fruit So you're eating meat with milk? It's it's a meat It's meat milk. They call it meat milk. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking With you, but what I am telling you is about magic spoon.com slash Tim I'm done. Oh, but what's in it? What do they make it at?

They take monk fruit and they use it to sweeten the cereal That's what's the red part What? It's like instead of grain. What is it hardly parmesan cheese. It's other things. It's a high fat Keto paleo. Everything's okay. That's what it is. Everything's okay I'm sure it's fine. I'm just asking is it Harder fat because what's good about it is you can eat it without the the guilt because it's it's fat and not sugar And fat is good and sugar is bad

Right. No, I'm totally I'm totally in so it's basically chicken skin That's been fried and rolled into a circle. It is deep fried pork products Okay, it's pork rinds. It's pork rinds that have been made into cereal. That sounds like I wouldn't think it would go well with milk But I mean, I like pork rinds. It's peach out on. Have you ever had a peach out on? Oh, yeah I'm kidding magic spoon is a it's a great cereal. Everybody loves it. If you're on a keto or paleo diet It's an easy meal replacement What you're able to do is eat it late at night not feel guilty if you need something to taste sweet It's they they use high quality sweetness like monk fruit. I understand. I just don't know what the base is

I will tell you what it is. I'll tell you what it is. You want to know you wise ass? Yeah It has zero sugar 12 grams of protein three I'm gonna tell you right now what it is It's keto friendly gluten free grain free soy free low carb gmo free They've got good ingredients. I'm sure they're great, but are they meat? I don't think it's me. Okay. I'll eat it. I'm like definitely go out and buy it. I'm just curious Well, you don't even have to go out and buy it. You go to magic spoon.com slash tim dillon and grab a variety pack and try it today That's magic spoon.com slash tim dillon

And then you buy it right now ray. It is a little pricey. It's $10. But what is your help? What for how many boxes? No, it's a fruit. You get a box for 10 Look meat's not cheap. So I get it It's not meat, but it's high protein. What do you think just because they call it cereal? It's gonna be cheap. It's right It's filet mignon You're eating it's a ribeye in every bite

It's a fruity ribeye in every bite Don't be cheap about it. If I can go out and buy it if I can do one nice treat It's gonna cost you. I hope they change their motto to just because we call it cereal. Don't mean it ain't steak It's fucking steak. That's the way you got to look at it. It's a great way to phrase it, right? You got to look at it like that it isn't Serial as much as it is a bowl of high protein very healthy food right like steak It reminds you of your childhood, but it's actually

uh Recently killed goat. Yes. And what's good about it is that you're able to Enjoy nostalgia Exactly, but what I never liked about cereal is that was never butchered first. Yes. This is butchered And and drained of its blood by being hung upside down. Right. Is it kosher? Where they kill like a like a dirty animal it it it's it's clean and I believe halal and kosher Okay, so they have to like hanging up by its fucking foot and drain cuts neck Yeah, they do every they don't the animal doesn't know it's dying

It's slaughtered and then made into a cereal somewhere in a lab The animal never knows it's going to be cereal I think they have a talk with it first, but they explained to it that we have such a weight problem in this country And they're dying for the much like those children with uh, boris johnson. Yes, I think for the empire Uh, here's what I will say the magic spoon slash tim dillon all kidding aside. I enjoy the cereal I tell everyone about it. It's great to get healthy There's a lot of people out there that want to get healthy but need to eat a sugar cereal like for a child It's true

There's a lot of people that are deeply committed to health but can't not eat cocoa puffs If you're the kind of person who you know decides i'm gonna lose a few hundred pounds, but still be fat But lose a few hundred pounds And like has to do it eating a strange husk oat uh pancakes. Yes, you might want to try magic spoon Yes, absolutely. We follow some fat people on on facebook who are what they do is they're losing weight by like Subs to like eating the most unhealthy things but substituting like almond flour And and then just still making like pancakes with whipped cream every morning with caramel sauce But they use like low sugar camels and it's like you're still fat

It's like it's uh, it's like crisco, but with caraway seeds in it. Right We should really honestly how great would it be if we became like serial killers who killed fat people? That's a great pitch. We should pitch that show We are so disgusted by other fat by the way, and you'll back me up on this Is anyone more hostile to fat people more than other fat people? um No, but especially when you start losing weight even if you lose five pounds you become disgusted by people who are less fat than you yes

I I'm telling you right now. I've been fat for a lot for a long time The hatred I have of other fat people There's no way thin people hate fat people as much as I do. There's no way. There's no way Because thin people don't see themselves in a fat person. They don't care. But when I see a fat person, I'm like, oh, fuck you Stop wearing that pugsly shirt. Take care of yourself Like me and ray went to the the pizza hut buffet in long island And we saw all these other fat people walk in and we're like, what a disgusting country

Meanwhile, we're just like fucking dripping pizza sauce into our recorder. Yeah. We're like, what a disgusting country The guy who helped us do that episode is now having a baby Is oh, is he? Yeah, he's having a baby. You're gonna say his name on here. I don't I don't want to say his name Okay Yeah, he also uh, I heard some things about his stakes Hey, same guy, right? Stakes

Did you have an episode we were I don't want to get into it What? He was using the steak and he fucking got mad about it Well, he cooked a well done steak for me and I didn't I thought it was rude and then I thought it should have been Called out Yeah, but now he's having a baby. So, you know, it's it's nice. Good for him Is it good? Is he gonna keep it? They don't know she's she's like four or five months in they're gonna make the decision in a few months

They're gonna relate to her thing. They might do one like eight or nine months in Just go in there and get it Yeah, I mean look Why not wait and see if it's gonna be a good looking baby. Maybe he's got a great dick. Maybe it's fucking a pretty baby You know, why you gonna like, you know, dump your dump your hand before, you know What if he what if what if literally what if the first thing he said to the doctor he looked at the doctor because you know We were gonna kill it, but it's got a great dick doctors like, uh

Should I report these people? Did you see? I had a great big as a baby What'd you say? My mom always tells me that I as a baby had a great dick Well, the doctor when he circumcised me used to use two forceps. Is that true? So she tells me what a great anecdote to share with people Thank you. That's you the way you should start your college commencement speech My mother said when I was a baby the doctor had to use two two forceps to circumcise my dick

She also had a friend in her prayer group I might mention this on an old episode who would uh, who confided to her In her church prayer group that she would when her baby would cry not because she wanted, you know, for her own Sexual gratification, but her baby wouldn't stop crying and the only way she could get to stop crying was the second stick No No 100% This is what I've been told by women of the cloth

Ray we're trying to advertise And make money here What do you mean? What do you mean? That some woman in a prayer group said that That mom was part of what they called a charismatic prayer group. What is a charismatic prayer group? It's not what it sounds like they would get together and they would pray Very intently for one thing to happen. So like uh, so we would win the iraq war or whatever

I mean, this is the 80s probably Um, just so that, you know, michael jackson Would make, you know, another great album with anything, you know, granada would the operation and granada would go well, whatever so, you know They would get together and then I guess during the coffee break or whatever, uh, this woman confided to my mother That her baby like, you know, I just couldn't get him to stop crying And it was driving me crazy. And look, you know, like some people Go so crazy from the baby crying that they shove it in the freezer and they kill it

It's a it's a thing. It's it's traumatic to some mothers. So but in this case, she didn't kill it How many people Are putting the baby in a freezer because she cries According to like, you know, sally jesse rafial at least five. Okay. I remember seeing these people on on the panel Um But it happens. I'm not saying it's common. So I'm not saying it's common for what this woman did But she went a different direction. She said, look, I just I realized I was just trying different things I put this penis in my mouth and it stopped crying. So now I do that

Did your mother report her? Uh, no, I think she told, I mean, I would have, uh, and the mom didn't think it was, you know, she wasn't she wasn't supportive of it Um, she probably shouldn't report her. But I don't think that this woman was getting off on it But it's not good. It's definitely rape How do I talk about rich wallet now? I mean, look, you're gonna need you're gonna need a good lawyer if you're in that situation. So keep his card in your rich wallet I Mean the horrors of the world are what what people confide to each other in prayer groups are

I mean, these are all the churches. We need to reopen by the way. These are all the churches that need their essential We need to reopen them. Make sure you Back in uh, don't don't social distance from his dick. I guess Jesus Raymond kump. I mean you are We're gonna we're gonna let you go you are it's in a you're an amazing character. Thank you so much Tell the people I just can't I don't know that we can legally top that story on the air

So you can find me at rake kump on twitter and instagram. Uh The podcast is kump This weekend, um and the patreon is ramping up and we'll be making up for a lost time. So, uh You don't worry about that. We're gonna be we're gonna have a we're gonna have a A week of kump or something like, you know, it's gonna be a cavalcade of uh Did you hear about this new show where there's a it's in the uk It's called labor of love and there's going to be like a bunch of people living in a house competing to impregnate a 41 year old woman I mean, can I get in on it? I mean, but but aren't the chances of the baby being born with something wrong when you're 41 so much

Higher definitely higher. Um, but I mean What's one more fucking, you know, fucked up baby who cares? I mean, you know Like the show is gonna make millions of dollars. You can tell me that like So we'll take care of the baby. Well, like they probably have accountants and lawyers like all right So we have to like pay for it's a scholarship for this kid to go to like second grade and then that's it Whatever We have a second grade scholarship

Oh It's gonna get a lot worse than that. That's all I'm saying If you're offended by that just know It's gonna get a lot worse than that It's gonna get a lot worse than that right comp. I hope people go and find you did you watch the video today the crown of all Oh, you did. No, I haven't I didn't see yet. I'll check it out very well. You should go check it out. It's a good, uh, It's a good video people are enjoying it I'm sure it's great. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Bye. Bye. Bye