The Tim Dillon Show - 206: 206 - Turn Yourselves In

Episode Date: June 28, 2020

Tim talks about the lovely people at Netflix's Big Mouth, how to look fabulous using Jeffree Star's makeup tutorials, and why Family Guy is finally moving in the right direction. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: WALLETS - http://www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. UNDERWEAR - https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ and order with PROMO CODE Tim to get 20% off your first ord Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody. It is Tim Dillon. I want to start off on a serious note. I want to address something that a lot of people are talking about, and it is about race, and it is about changing our society, and it's about holding people accountable. And that's something that I've become more open to in the past week, you know, holding people accountable. I've been really excited, and I think that is the right word by the amount of people who are outing themselves as problematic. And I've been excited by it because I think that's the first step to really healing and creating an equitable society. The first step is for people to come out. Jenny Slate, comedian, writer, the show

Big Mouth. Jenny Slate is a white woman, and she played the role of a character named Missy on Big Mouth, an animated show on Netflix. And Missy was a mixed-race character who had a Jewish white mother, like Slate, and a black father. I mean, clearly, we're looking at Missy here. Missy is clearly black, even though she's mixed-race, but, you know. Jenny Slate has recused herself from the show, and she's leaving, because she said black characters should be played by black people. I don't think that's enough. Okay? She's contributed to the erasure of black people, and she's said that. She said she erased a black person. I don't even know what that is. I don't know what futuristic weapon, what ray gun she used

to erase a black person, but I don't think it's enough to just say sorry and go back to your mansion. No, thank you, ma'am. Jenny Slate has to go to jail. She has to be brought up on charges, and she has to go to jail for no less than ten years. For what she did. This is not a fucking joke. Stop laughing, you white pig. She needs to hear every night. She needs to hear the bars clink. She needs to lose her freedom. What has she done with her freedom? She's used it to erase black people by voicing the character, a mixed-race character on Big Mouth on Netflix. No thank, and cancel Big Mouth while we're at it. Sorry, Nick Kroll. Cancel Big Mouth. You're going to have to get a job with your family. Doing

security-related matters. I'm sorry. I don't want to be this way, but I am. I don't want to be this way, but I am. Jenny said, I've come to the decision today that I can no longer play the character of Missy on the animated TV show Big Mouth. At the start of the show, I reasoned with myself that it was permissible to play Missy because her mom is as Jewish and white as am I. But Missy is also black, and black characters on an animated show should be played by black people. I acknowledge how my original reasoning was flawed that it existed as an example of white privilege and an unjust allowance is made within a system of societal white supremacy and that me playing Missy was engaging in an act of erasure of black

people. Put her in jail now. Put her in jail. Put her in jail. Why is she not in jail? Why are the producers of this show not behind bars? God damn them. God damn her. God damn. I am only laughing now because I'm so angry that when I laugh, I get angry and I laugh, but I goddamn them black lives matter. Do you understand that? They matter on a Netflix cartoon. Put her in jail that Nick Kroll's parents built. Not even a- not even a- I mean an underground prison. What do we not know what they do? Use Google, dummies. I get it. She's gotta go to jail. A secret underground facility where she can be reeducated. Not my fault. I want to hold people accountable. They're being held accountable this week.

That's it. No more games this week. Tim is here to hold everyone accountable. Will I apologize for the bit I did with Nick Mullen where we said that Orthodox Jews were wearing diapers to- to Landlord Tenant Court because they were pretending to be insane so they could continue to rip off their minority tenants? I will not apologize for that. That I will not do because I did not erase a black person in that. If anything, I called attention to inequality with that. You see the difference? I've had enough. For too long, I've sat on the sidelines while cartoonists have destroyed the fabric of American society. We cannot tolerate this anymore. Most importantly though, Jenny says to anyone that I've heard, I am

so very sorry. Oh, I bet that feels good. I am so very sorry. How many people have killed themselves because of this? How many lives have ended because of your show? I bet it's unquantifiable. How many people killed themselves? Put a gun in their mouth, jumped off a building, cut their own throat, maybe their wrist. Odeed on bills, took a hairdryer and electrocuted themselves in the tub, asphyxiated themselves, hung themselves. I bet all of these black people that are dying tragically with nooses, they are hanging themselves because they found out that Missy was voiced by Jenny Slate. That is a hypothesis I have. It is not proven, it is a hypothesis, but I think it's pretty damn good. I'm asking Miss Slate and the producers

of Big Mouth to turn themselves in to the military. Not even the LAPD, those corrupt bastards. No, the military to have a tribunal. We need a military tribunal in this case. And they will not have a jury of their peers. They will be tried by a jury of people that are selected, the people that have been affected. The people that have been affected, failed comedians will judge her. Comedians that don't make any money will judge Miss Slate. People that have podcasts that have 45 reviews on Apple will stand the judgment of Miss Slate, Mr. Kroll and the entire show. They will judge you and I hope explain it to them. Explain it to the people that couldn't even get a fucking free drink for their horrible comedy

and have wasted their entire lives. Those are the people you have to convince. And the death penalty is not off the table. I'm not saying it's going to be, it is a tool and it should be available to the prosecution. That's what I'm saying here. I'm done letting people off. This by the way, what I'm doing here is what everyone's going to have to do. This is the new strategy with woke people is to go more woke than they are. This is the new strategy. When they say we should take down that monument, you go we should nuke an American city. That's what you say. If someone says now I want to get rid of this monument, go let's nuke DC. Let's nuke Washington. Because they got to look at you like, huh? It's got to be so bad

now. When she steps down a big mouth, I go, we shouldn't have a big mouth. It's got to go. It's tainted. It's over. It's over. That's what you're going to have to do. You're just going to have to, when somebody says to you, when somebody starts a conversation and goes, listen, why not get rid of all these monuments? Go, I will do you one better. I will do you one better. Why not get rid of them all at once? Let's nuke Washington DC. Let's get a suitcase nuclear weapon and nuke Washington DC. If they're shocked by that or they are you against that, you just look at them and go, what? Oh, so you're going to take the monuments that are offensive and leave the White House and Congress and the Washington Monument and what? No, no, no, no.

We are going to nuke the Capitol. That is the woke position. And when things get better, when the radiation is gone in a few months or years, I don't know, then we will go and build an equitable society, but we're not going to do these surgical strikes. We're not going to do these surgical strikes. We're going in with a suitcase nuke. We're going in with a suitcase nuke and Jenny Slate will be publicly executed for what she has done to the black community. Yes or yes. Yes or yes. Don't get that as the great Darrell Davis drunk real estate motivational speaker in Long Island would say yes or yes. Don't give them don't give them the chance to say no. Should these people go to jail for their old tweets? Yes or yes? Yes, they should. I don't

even know who these people are, but they're trillionaires. Shane Dawson, Jeffrey Starr, they've got their own literal planets. They own literal planets. Jeffrey Starr own Saturn. And you're trying to cancel him. He owns the planet Saturn, which they I don't know what they're doing. They're painting it with face paint. You've made an entire industry of people that only talk about makeup. What the fuck? People in makeup used to not have public personas because they didn't need it. Who is the chick from Maybelline? Nobody knew who she was. Rita Revlon, whoever the fuck these read. Nobody cared. People knew Coco Chanel was. That was it, but like it's cosmetics. What is so important about makeup? Can someone illuminate this sick

trend for me, please? Can someone help me understand why people painting their face like Harlequin clowns in their in their room that is only lit by the blue light of their computer and they sit there and they put makeup on their face and stare at Reddit threads? Can someone explain to me how this makes $8 trillion a week? They have more money these people and you can't cancel them. They own the earth. They own the earth on which you live. Your Twitter doesn't matter. I think Shane Dodson's a rate. He owns the earth. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how it happened that the only thing that's profitable in this country anymore is makeup. That's the only industry we've got left is people

putting lipstick on. I missed that. Somehow that trend missed me. But apparently one of them, though the Jeffree Star, the one that looks like, I mean, let's be very honest. If you'd bumped into Jeffree Star in real life, you would go, what? I mean, your first thought wouldn't be this is a beauty consultant. Let's be very honest about it. There's no shade to him or whatever. I don't even know anymore. They're rich. They don't matter. You don't get a gender when you're a trillionaire. You don't get a gender anymore. You're a planet. But if I bumped into Jeffree Star, it would be like interesting that they made their money with cosmetics and no shade to them. Good for him. Whatever. Good. Good. God love you. I'm just confused. As always, I exist in a permanent

state of confusion on this program. I don't understand. I look at people out. They all look like shit. No one's even wearing the makeup. So I guess people just wearing it in their fucking hovels they live in. Are they eating the makeup? Is it edible? No one has food. Nobody has any money or food. How are they slinging a hundred dollar makeup kits? Who's buying this? Fat women in the rust belts are sitting there, putting men, women, whoever. Who's doing this? I thought everybody's money went to opioids. How do they have the money to go into makeup now? But you can't cancel them. They own you. Stop trying to, I don't know why they're even cancelling them. Shane Dawson did blackface and one of the photos he looks like,

Oprah, it's weird. He's a chubby gentleman and he did blackface. That's why I don't do blackface. I don't need people calling me precious. Hashtag precious. Once people have a certain amount of money, it's like, what are you canceling? It doesn't matter. But they will have to pay too. They will have to also go to the, into the military tribunal of which they will own. They will buy their way out. But they must, they must, I think Jeffrey star called someone fat once. He must have, he must atone. He must atone for that. He must atone for calling someone fat. It is not right. Not right. He must be brought up on charges for that. And Shane Dawson did blackface.

You know what's funny about the blackface? I wonder when blackface was accepted because I like, I got into comedy in late 2010, early 2011. I would like never do blackface. Like I'm wondering when that, when people thought that was okay. Like did no one think this is maybe not a good idea? I understand like in the early 2000s or whatever, but when, I mean like, I don't remember when that was like a thing that felt like a smart move. Like let me just do blackface. I'm sure this, you got to think to yourself, if you, if you've made yourself up in blackface and eventually this might come back to her. Yeah. I think a smart person has to think, think like when they're, when they're putting on the makeup and they go, you know what, this is, like I say,

we're doing characters, right? I mean, that's the argument. Right. They were doing a character. They like makeup. That's what they're into. That's how they made all their money. You can't just pull white makeup on. It gets boring. Occasionally you got to throw on a little copper, a little tone. Right? I don't know. I'm asking, I'm asking these questions because I truly don't know the answers. When I was a little kid, I was an actor. We know this. I'm a fucking star. When I was a child, I was in South Pacific. It is a Broadway show about Polynesians. Me and my little cousin, Katie, who was a white chick, I'm clearly white. We put like bronze makeup on and they gave us Asian eyes. Don't make a face. What are you making a face for? It was the fucking 90s.

What have Polynesians done for you? Happy birthday, by the way, it was his birthday the other day, and I don't care because celebrating birthdays are their achievements for people that don't achieve. People are never more entitled and disgusting than on their birthday. Cut it out. When you're 18, birthdays end, they end. Enough. Celebrate accomplishments, not that you've survived another year. So happy to fuck yourself. And I was made up to look like an Asian and given a black wig, and the audience loved it. It was me and my little cousin, and I forget what song. We were like, Happy Tucky. Happy Tucky. Now, it wasn't a problem back then because we were, they needed Polynesians, and maybe there weren't Polynesians that wanted to perform in the fucking Beth Page High School,

you know, South Pacific performance. Maybe there weren't just lines of Asians I was displacing by being a young kid in a fucking community theater production of South Pacific. I mean, I don't know. I'm trying to look back on some of my problematic race behavior in terms of putting makeup on. That was probably the, I erased a Polynesian child with that move. I should tweet that. I should go, when I was a child, I was in South Pacific. It was a community theater production in Long Island. I was given a black wig and orange paint, and they made my eyes Asian, and I sang an Asian song, and I pretended to be Asian. Come for me, bitches. I mean, that's the truth. And I'm, I'm ashamed I did that, and I will kill myself after this program.

Okay. Because I'm deeply ashamed. Texas is shutting down again. I hope you enjoyed your rattlesnake bites. Get up the rattlesnake bite. It's a very nasty appetizer. The rattlesnake bite, oh, it's a medical emergency. It is a medical emergency, but it's also, so the rattlesnake bite is an appetizer. What is it, Ben? It's a jalapeno popper, cream cheese wrapped in bacon and baked or grilled. And the rattlesnake bite is pretty, is it Texas thing, right? Totally. Yeah. Well, I hope you've enjoyed them. Texas is shutting down again. They're shutting back down. Florida's shutting back down. Here's the deal. I live in LA for now, and I drive around and I see all these children and young adults and people of all ages

really, but specifically on the younger side, standing outside of these stores. And I want to know what they're waiting for. And they're all in a line and they are called hype beasts. Ray Cump had his phone stolen by a hype beast one day. He was in an Uber pool and a kid like a supreme sweatshirt swiped Ray Cump's phone. And then he had to go to like the cops and he was like, he was reporting his phone stolen. I don't know why it was just, he had to do it for to his insurance, whatever claim. I don't know. And he's like, my phone was taken by a hype beast. Hype beast circuit. But the beasts are, they love t-shirts and sneakers and shit like that. Fucked.com online store sells out. This shit sells out. June 27th from June 26th,

typically items sell out in a matter of minutes after we open this store at noon on certain Fridays. Why don't you subscribe to the newsletter of fucked.com. Follow on IG or Twitter, start mentally preparing and strategizing on how to cop items while everyone else is in FOMO frenzy made and getting cart jacked by supposed bots. I'm amazed that these people are fans of my show, but they are. And that's great. This is what we want. We want to expand the base, you know? So this is great. You got to look cool unless you're like, I don't have to look cool because I'm like talented, but you're not. So get cool shit. That's how you get laid. That's why people will talk to you be that, you know, white guys. Now you're just kind of have

to be like good looking and quiet and cool. That's the only, you just kind of have to stand there, not really say anything. If anyone says anything, just say black lives matter and move on about your day. And the way to do that is in a fucked shirt. Fucked popup got shut down by the police. Wow. That's how much people care about fucked. That the popup was shut down by the police. It was LAPD, huh? It went in there just, did they shoot anybody? Did they show restraint? Um, there's going to be no promo codes, no free shipping, no discounts, no free shit. It's not going, none of it's going to be free because this has a high resale value. Okay.

This is the game that the hype beasts play. They play it very well. They buy this shit. They resell it, get in the game, get smart. This is online life. Now this is digital currency. You got to really get a fuck. You got a fucked hat on. Yeah. They sent me this and the jacket. Yeah. Great. They, uh, and I got a sweatshirt too. I'm not wearing it, but I might. Um, it came with a hype beast, the hype, the open the box, the hype beast gets out. It's vaping. Yeah. You know, Brandon Wardell, they send they open it. You open the box, Brandon Wardell. Yeah. I guess give me that. I really want to die. Go to fucked.com. F U C T.com. It's a call to action. This is real

deal shit. Okay. Like this is serious shit. I know you're like, Oh, it's just t-shirts. It's, it's not, it's, this is how people make a living now. This is how people make a living. The manufacturing is over. The industrial base of the country is over. You're going to have to buy and sell shirts. You should subscribe to the newsletter. How do they do that? I think at the website, at the website, you subscribe to the newsletter and then we can see what the founder Mark Burnetti thinks, right? What's he think? Let's go to him. Eric Burnetti. It's easy. Can you go back to the fucking thing, please? Jesus. Easy to read of the moment short and concise interview with Eric by a store in Malaysia.

Easy to read. Well, it better be. It better be. I don't know if warrant piece is the demo. Eric went to Sinaloa two years ago to shoot a look book. I sent him there even though Sinaloa was on the US department of state to not travel advisory list. That's where El Chapo comes from. He wanted to shoot our cartel themed collection in Tijuana, but I didn't think it was authentic enough. His assistant refused to travel with him because of a Netflix appointment recently been killed while scouting in Sinaloa. Eric almost got kidnapped and murders while shooting in a remote village that was home to El Chapo, but he made it back alive with some fantastic material. Is this real? Is this like am I being like elaborately trolled?

Looks they have pictures that back it up. Okay. The Sinaloa cartel keep going down. There's a rooster fight. They have a cartel line. It's for the cartel. Okay. Do you want to live like a cartel member? I bet you do. This is very important that you pay very close attention here because this is the way you're going to make a living by buying and reselling this shit. Okay. We will be bringing back SSTD in the fall. Originally only available in Japan. These

are cut and so higher ticket items for an older demographic 30 and up. Demand has been consistent for the past eight years or so. This is like, this is like a legit, legit wild thing. I'm very happy that they're advertising on the show. It's, you know, I am a very much into fashion and everyone knows that and I'm, I cannot say enough about the culture of shirts and sneakers and the people that buy these and resell them. I think they're the greatest patriots to have ever drawn breath in this great land. I think it's so important to stand on a line or digitally wait on a line for shirts and you can buy them and resell them. It's very important. I'm thrilled about this and you like your clothing, right? I love this stuff.

Well, why do you keep zipping it up? Do you think people don't know how to use a zipper? You keep showing, you showing it off by zipping it up. You know what it reminds me of? You have a car and heart. Remember car and heart? Yeah. Car heart. Car heart. Whatever. I don't wear it. I'm not a pig. I'm not a fucking, I don't work on a fucking the Long Island railroad. What are we doing? I hope they're paying $30,000 for this. I really do. To fire everyone in my whole fucking team is getting fired, by the way. Hope everybody's ready for that. Firing everyone except my realtor in the desert. It's the only fucking person I like. Go to fuck.com. I mean, listen, this is,

it is fun to fuck around with this shit. Buy a shirt, resell it. Is there a promo code? It's not promo code, right? Yeah, it's nothing. You don't get this. This is high end. This is high end. Go to Tiffany's. What do you think you're gonna get a promo code for it? No. High end. They sent me a big sweatshirt. Get that. Okay. I'll put it on. I'll see if I like it. Ben could have, you know, prepared before the show, but that's, you know, that's not his M.O. It's not what he does. He's too busy golfing. It's all right. Give it to me. It's blue and it has the word fucked.

It's comfy. Yes. Cotton. Cotton. It's made in Honduras. I had a friend from Honduras that grew up with him, Rolando. 50% cotton, 50% polyester. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Who's ever listening to this over there, the Sinaloa Cartel or whoever is enjoying this. Thank you so much. I truly, you know, there's a lot of people out here that are into fashion and at least into the business of buying and selling things online and it's well worth it for them. It does look cool. I mean, I'm for that. I'm for going to a, you know, a place where there's a cartel and putting clothes on them,

I guess. I think that's cool. I think cartels are cool. I really do. And I think that people should have clothing lines that glamorize, you know, potentially negative behavior, but the Sinaloa Cartel cares like more about their people than like our government cares about us. It's kind of true. I mean, you know, what are you going to do? By the way, here's the reality and the Sinaloa Cartel like probably doesn't care that much about their people, but it's still better than, you know, follow on Instagram or Twitter. What, what are they? Fucked FUCT on IG or Twitter? That's important too. You want to be part of the culture. They didn't give me a link for that. I like that. It's too late to recycle. I want that one.

Can I have that? Oh, is that a shirt? Yeah, that's kind of cool. I like that. And then there's bin Laden. Well, I like some of this now. Yeah, some of this shit's really some of it is actually good. That's been bad. That's a, is that a bin Laden scarf? Yeah, I want, can I have that? Why don't I have that? Well, I think it's limited. What is this blue fucking shit? I'm going to walk around like cookie monster. Where's the fucking bin Laden scarf? What are we doing? Or get rooster from the Sinaloa video. Always send me the bird. Cool too. Yeah. I'm going to walk around and look like a blue M&M in this fucking thing. Where's the bin Laden scarf? Or let's not recycle. Let's fuck it all. Sure. I like that.

I want that bin Laden scarf and I want it now. What about those two aliens? What's that one? Well, all this stuff is already sold. So, I know this is the stuff that I can't get because it's fucking elite. That's pretty cool. Yeah, but that's what I want shit like that, but I don't get it. All right, because they send that who to who brandish out. I get to fucking the cookie monster sweatshirt. And he's in a fucking, he's in a fucking, he looks like a cop. He's going to get his head gaved in. Fucked.com. F U C T.com.

If you get the stuff you could comment on IG and brag about what they were able to purchase if you get it or what you missed out on a lot of kids making money reselling fucked because of high resale value. Is this a, uh, is this, uh, an ad we got because they dropped off, you know, who's podcast? Something feels off here. Fucked.com. F U C T.com. Go to it and get involved with fashion. People ask me where are you on masks? People say to me, they're like, where are you on the great mask debate of 2020? Here's what I'll say folks. As a person who's 300 pounds and spent the majority of life drinking and doing cocaine, I don't comment on public health policy. I just don't do it. Now many comedians do.

Many celebrities do. They might be 7,000 pounds and drug addicts. They may eat their own vomit. They may be bulimic and anorexic or anything, but they still comment on public health policy because they think people want to hear that from them. They think people want to hear, uh, from them how to be healthy in the middle of injecting things into every area of their body. I say if you, if I go in a store, I wear a mask and let me tell you why I wear a mask. I don't know shit about the transmission of coronavirus. I wear a mask is everybody else is wearing a mask. Okay. It's the same reason I wear shoes when I go into a store. It's because they're required. When I'm outside and when I'm alone and when I'm in my car, wherever I am, I do not wear a mask.

I don't go inside restaurants. I don't go inside bars because coronavirus I do believe is real and I don't want to get it. So I stay on patios and I stay away from other people other than people I know. I kind of did that before the pandemic. I wasn't just diving into groups of 100 people. So I don't really have a strong feeling on this, but just be prepared for them to reverse what they said about masks because they've reversed a lot of other things about this. I'm not saying they will or not. I'm just saying just be ready for it and stop, you know, it's this, you know, battering ram that people are using against each other. Yeah. Listen, man, if you're inside somewhere, it's probably a good idea to wear a mask at the present moment. You don't have to.

I don't think it should be a law that you should, but private businesses are allowed to, to, to regulate their business the way they want to. And if they mandate that you wear a mask, you have to wear a mask. If you walk in without a mask and they've asked you to wear a mask, you're being a dick. You're just being a dick for no reason in wherever shopping, you know, supermarket you're going into. You know what makes me mad about the masks? I was in the desert and as we're spending a lot of time, I go out to the desert. I go to the desert, you know. I am Tim Dillon, the only comedian left in LA. I'm kidding. And that's a comedy. We're a comedy show. I go to the desert now. And why are you left? I go to a comedy show. I mean, I don't go

I don't go to that. I go to the death by these tickets for these shows in August that I'm sure will be canceled. I'm kidding. By the tickets, I go to the desert and I, and you know, we go to this Mexican restaurant and it's outside and you have to walk inside for like a brief minute to get to your table outside. Okay. You go in and then the woman starts with the mask. She goes, you got to have the mask on. I said, listen, I'm walking with my two friends. We're alone. They're like, well, you got to wear a mask in all the common areas of the restaurant. I'm like, well, I don't want to be in the common area of the restaurant. I want to walk to my table. So you're making me put on a mask so that when I get to my table, I take the mask off.

What are we doing? It's five seconds to walk to the table. I have to put my mask on for what? I understand if I'm standing in a grocery store or if I'm sitting inside of a place, but I'm literally walking through to get to my table and the woman's like, you got to have your mask on. And then if you don't have your mask, you just got to go like this. This is my favorite thing. People just put their shirt above their nose. Stop blaming the protests. Stop blaming the early re-openings. We all decided, we all came together and said, we're done with this. Everyone said, I want to go back to work. I need to go back to work. I need to throw a brick through the window with a target.

I need to burn the thing down. And I get it because cops are fucking nuts and people want to get out there. Some people want to do the rattlesnake bite. Some people want to get out there and fucking, you know, attack the government. Whatever. It's fine. Whatever you're doing is fine. You just want to be outside. Are you going to Denny's or are you burning it down? It doesn't matter. You just want to get out. Don't one side can't blame the other side. They have to unite. Fat people that take cruises and violent anarchists have to unite. They're fat people can wear suicide vests that will pack so much dynamite in them that they could take out the entire house of representatives with one fart.

You understand? Why should people go together? But stop blaming everybody. There's so much anger in the country right now. I don't know what to do. There's so much consternation. There's so much bitterness. There's so much division. No leadership. There's no, except here on this program, here, but nowhere else is there any leadership. I've suggested what to do. Military tribunals for everybody involved with Big Mouth. Everyone. Where is, have you heard that? Where are your woke friends? Your woke friends didn't say that, have they? I think Sarah Cooper's talented. She's a pleasant woman and she does the Trump thing. Please stop calling her the greatest political satirist of our time. Please stop. I like her

and I think what she's doing is fun. But please let's not get hysterical as we always do. Okay? I'm not mad at her. I wanted to have all the opportunities. Sure. I get it. But let's rein it in. She would probably agree with that. Okay? I know everyone loves her and no one loves me and that's okay. This town does not love me. They don't love me. Jerry Seinfeld does not love me. Pat Noswald doesn't love me. They don't retweet me. They don't care. They've taken no interest in me, nor will they. And I realize that's because of my words and actions. The reason that these people don't fuck with me is because of my words and actions, my general demeanor, my beliefs, and my unwillingness to compromise them for whatever. So I get it. I'm not hating on anyone. I want

everyone to do well, but it's just what it is. And I have these meetings with everyone and everyone's like, you should have your own show. Here's the deal. When I'm about to have my own show, I will be called into a room or it'll be a Zoom conference and somebody, an executive, will say, will you apologize for when you and Louis Gomez and Nick Mullin did Sebastian Menescalco goes to Africa bit where you basically said, and I quote, let's let the Italians cater the clitoractomy. Well, you apologize for that. And I will go, no, that is funny. And they will go, yeah, but no. So that's why I won't have a show. It's not going to happen. Cause I won't apologize. And then, and then even if I just, so if I apologize and I look, you know, and I, and I,

and I go against everything I believe, then they give me one or two seasons of a show. And then I'm going to come back to this podcast and I ask you guys to fucking, you know, like give a shit about me after I've just compromised. It's just doesn't, it's not the way it works. I'd love a show. I'd love them to let me do a show or a movie, but that's not what it's going to be. They're just going to give it to people that lip sync. I mean, that's what Twitter is. It's like, you know, everybody, I mean, it's what, uh, TikTok, everybody on TikTok and they all lip sync. They don't, nobody sings their songs. Nobody writes songs. I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's very strange what's going on right now.

It's very strange that people are enjoying people lip sync things other people did. Not as a novelty. As like entertainment. It's interesting. But the answer is what the younger generation wants. They want to lip sync. They want, they want people that are good looking. It's all about optics, you know, they want a good looking person to lip sync a song. And what's great is if you go on TikTok, you just see the white kids dancing, trying to not say the N word. That's the whole challenge of TikTok. That's the challenge of TikTok being a white kid. You can't say the N word. They're like, uh, they smile. They just got a smile through the n bomb. They just

can't say it. Can't say it. Florida, man. Florida's like, they're just drowning in a sea of ron and they don't give a shit. Shout out to Florida. Shout out to the greatest state that's ever been. Yeah. I, this is why I love Florida. I went to side splitters in Tampa's and I just shit on Tampa for 20 minutes. And when I was done shitting on it, they seemed disappointed. They, they know what it is down there. They know what it is. One of our greatest episodes, brownie boat on the Patreon details my time in Florida, but I respect my friend, uh, this kid, Dan Carney, who used to open for me when the world existed. Uh, he's going to come to LA for a little while. He's down in Florida right now. And he said,

it's just, you know, wild. Like it's just wild down there. It's just, it's, you know, there's people running around. What is that a bug? A moth, moth. We're in like a carpet at hell. You know, I mean, can you, Matt, do you realize the loser you have to be to have an apartment with a carpet? Like we have carpets here. You have to be fucked if you have a carpet. But Dan was just saying that he ran into some old lady like he's picking up a pizza. Yeah. And, you know, some old lady saying outside the pizza place, she's like, this is fear mongering from the military. So like I like that. Like I say, maybe I end up there. Do I end up there? Those seem to be fun people. They don't have blue check marks. They have blue lips because they're overdosing

on oxycodone. And that might be my demo. Let's sour Cooper of Hollywood. God love her. I support it. She's a pretty, she has an interesting look to it. It's very, she's very pretty though. She's like someone you want to get to know. You see her and you want to get to know where I want to have lunch with her. I want to spend time with her. People see me. That's not their feeling. They want me to tell them something and then leave immediately. You know, there are people like that. Those characters populated my entire life. People that you want to say something and go away. Like tell us something and then get out of here. We just had the old guy from upstairs wanted to look at the tile on the on the on the deck on the whatever it is. What is that called?

It's just a balcony. Yeah, it's a balcony. It's not a deck. It's a balcony. And then the guy comes down and he's like, the building was built in 1947. And it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He starts to go into like the way the different apartments were configured in this. He's been here 50 years. He's been here 50 years, you know, then he starts doing this thing. My favorite thing is like, why would I go buy a condo or 1.3 million when I got the space I need up there? I'm like, well, that's true. And also you don't have the money to do that. You also don't have 1.3 million dollars. That's part of the reason why I'm going to go buy a condo. I got all the space I need here. I was talking to big J's ex-wife, who I love, Carla, fat Carla, Carla. She's a plump woman

as am I. And she was telling me she had coronavirus in Long Island and she was just having like blood clots in her mouth and like spitting out the blood. She had like such a horrible bloody nose. She's just like spitting blood and she was like standing outside of an urgent can. She's like, open the door. She's like, can I have another mask? My mask's all bloody. So that's the way Long Island has been handling coronavirus. Just stroking out outside of urgent cares. Spitting blood like for lots of rappers. She told me, she goes, my daughter was so happy the first time she could have Chipotle. We both started crying because it was the first time we could eat. She just imagined that, just chubby people in Long Island in a Chipotle just crying,

just crying into a burrito bowl. Yeah. I mean, Long Island is a, I mean, it's wild. God love her. I like her. She's handling my tickets and my license is suspended right now. The Long Island Comedy Club has opened the comedy club in the alley of their building. Governor's Comedy Club, which has banned me, is opening up. They have. All I said was that the audience was grotesque. Wearing sweatpants. I said they were wearing their starter jackets on from the nineties. And what do you want me to do, fuck? You want me to lie? You want me to tell them they're hot? I didn't say they were bad audience. I said they were grotesque. They look like, you know, I mean, you know, the Hollywood improv, the audience is like hot influencers

and they suck after time. They're like, I don't think it's funny. I don't think it's funny. Yeah. I don't think it's good. Where's the comedian from the Netflix show? But, you know, I'm banned. I'm banned. I like him. We're having good. We're going to have to Leon. Why not? Let's do it. He's having a rough couple of weeks, but not no one's been convicted. That's the reality. I believe in the rule of law, not really, but I believe in due process. I believe you got to give people their day in court. I believe that. I have no problem with them on a personal level. You know, if he's done the things people have said, then then it's like, no good. I understand that. You know what I mean? But I mean, I'll have him on

to plead his case. He should do a bigger show than this. You know? Probably shouldn't come on here. Probably low rent. You know? Can you imagine his team being like, what show did you do? Did you do Rogan? What'd you do? He's like, I did have a Tim Dillon show. Like what? What if we have Christalia on next week with Candice Owens? What if we did that? And like, he doesn't know she's on? Somehow I get canceled. Him and her start dating. We're having fun, folks. It's the end times. You must enjoy yourselves. Chris, you're on the program with Candice Owens. You know Candice? Delia defends himself on Tim Dillon show with guest Candice Owens. What a fun

episode. I'm just trying to figure out how to have fun. I'm getting bored. I want to have a little fun. Let's kick up a little dust. Like that girl, Kat Cohen. She's a talented comedian. She's out of New York City. She does like cabaret comedy. And she sings. That's what she does. And then she did a sketch. And I talked about this on the Patreon. She did a sketch where she was satirizing white racism or millennial entitlement, whatever. And she put up one of her friends, a black guy in a noose, because one of the bits was she's like, my parents own slaves. It was a black guy in a noose. And it came out like two weeks ago. That was like not the week, right? For that to emerge.

But I just like, I just thought it would be funny. If like, she just went all right, cabaret. She was like, build the wall, build it now. Let's talk about the shapes of skulls. Would it not be funny if she did that? Yeah, it would be funny. Why can't we just admit that that would be funny if she went to, if she was a neo-nazi cabaret? There's enough gay people in the alt right that she could make a probably pretty decent career at that. Yeah. Culture matters. It's all these gay guys in the audience. Who's on the piano? Yes, Kat. What? Who's on the piano? I don't know who can play. Richard Spencer who can play piano.

I don't know. I don't know which one of those guys can play piano. You have to find it out. Culture matters. Europeans built our lands. She's just like, you know, it's a bunch of gay like alt right Nazis. Yeah. There'd be something there is what I'm saying. Where are the managers who can see this? I can see it. It may not be a good idea for a career. It wouldn't be that. It would be short lived. If she became a Nazi cabaret, it would be short lived a short window, but strike while the iron is hot. Get in there and give them a few hits. Give them a few hits and then move on. You know, she'd just come out and like, you know, like a whatever, you know, like a sash, you know, and she just sits on the thing. She grabs the microphone as somebody doing the piano

and she's like, let's talk about crime rates. It's uncomfortable and everybody's like swaying. It would be hilarious. So next week, Crystal Leia Candace Owens, we got it. We got to shake it up a little bit here, folks. Why not have a little fun? We're going to be a war with China in six months. Have that second slice of cake. Break your keto diet. It's, it's coming. China's going to come and I don't know. I hope this is not true. But I've heard. I've heard. This is what I've heard. I've heard that China, the country of China. Okay. I've heard is behind a lot of what's happening right now. They're behind it from what happened to big mouth to a poo on the Simpsons. I heard China gave Harry Kandabalu money and they pushed him to make the documentary. There's

something wrong with that poo, right? Wasn't that the documentary? Yeah, I think that's it. Was it who took a poo? What was the documentary about a poo? But I think China's behind that documentary. It's very divisive. The problem with a poo. Is that what I said? I think so. Oh, I said something is wrong with a poo. Well, the problem with a poo. I think China, China is being, this is China's sewing division. And this is how they did it. They made a documentary about a beloved character on the Simpsons named a poo who was a business owner. Yeah, he was an immigrant to America. He was beloved. People liked him. But the problem with a poo was that he owned a business or he owned a quickie marty because people don't like the idea that Indians

or any race is stereotyped, Irish people being drunk, Italian people being criminals. Now the Simpsons had had the Italians were criminals, the gangsters, right? They had the the mayor who was very creepy, who was a Kennedy guy, that Homer, who was the white American buffoon, the ultimate American idiot, right? They had Patty and Selma, the whatever, spinster, smoking, potentially dykes, we don't know. But they had a lot of these characters that played into those stereotypes. But a poo was especially distressing to Indian people, I guess, because they were teased with the accent. Yeah, people would tease them with the accent. And that was hurtful to them. When my grandfather was growing up, he was Irish, and then there

others were people Italian. And they would beat the shit out of each other with like weapons on the streets of New York City. People aren't nice to each other. That isn't new. We don't need a cartoon to give kids the excuse to be cruel. Kids are nasty and cruel, and vicious and vindictive. Ask Delia. That's a joke. I'm kidding. And I'm I have done nothing but help. So I get it. I was made fun of when I was a kid. Okay, people always made fun of me. Oh, you're so cool. You're so popular. You're so shallow. You're fake. You just you just want to be with rich people. I took abuse. People are like, Oh, yeah, Mr fucking popular. Mr.

Everybody loves you. Mr do whatever you want. Mr hangs out with all the cool kids. Mr gets all the good drugs. I took horrible abuse as a child. I would lay awake at night. Oh, you don't care about anybody. You're always with the cool people. You're just always with the coolest parties. I get it. I get it when someone comes at you. Oh, Tim doesn't care about his friends. He just likes to cool kids because they love him. Everyone loves you. That's what people used to say to me. It was it hurt when they go, Yeah, everyone loves you. Like literally everyone. I would hear that and I have to go home and process that. Do you know how hard that is to hear constantly that I'm adored and loved and an iconic figure? That is hard. So I get it

if somebody went up to you and go, I get it. And I'm not for it. I'm not for that. I am against doing that to people. But I'm also against creating a world where where because how many sacrifices will we have to make as people to create a world where and by the way, this would be impossible. But the idea is that we could create a world where the likelihood of that happening is not is less by taking away an Indian character who owns a store and has an Indian accent. Indian people sound like that. I like that accent. I like accents. I like West Indians. I like it. I like that they sound different. Who's the racist? I love Jackson Heights. I like them and they like me. They love brown people

love a fat person. They're the only ones that do and you go in and you eat galab jam and it's like a pancake. It's the shape like a small ball. I used to go in with Raymond and they would bring us these deep fried things and they're in it. They fry them in like there's a lot of diabetes there. They fry them in like some type of syrup and they spit syrup galab jam. They spit syrup and myself and Raymond used to go to Jackson Heights and all of the Indians would come and shove it in their mouths like that and we'd go. And all of the Indians would love us and many of them would do a traditional dance around us. So this idea that people shouldn't be different or be stereotyped is stupid. It's crazy. It's crazy. I don't understand what's the problem

with a guy that owns a quickie mart. He's doing good. Yeah. Well if not all Indians own a quickie mart of course they don't. Of course. Some are comedians. Some are losers. But the ones that aren't I mean. So Hank's area played the Indian character Appu in The Simpsons and he said he was stepping down from the role following years of controversy. Now that role by the way do you know who's going to play that role now? Jenny Slate. Jenny Slate will be doing it now and I and I support that. What if Jenny Slate see if these people were fucking funny Jenny Slate would tweet I'm now going to be a poo. I'm going to tweet that right now. I'm going to tweet. I'm going to I'm going to tweet very happy that Hank has area stepped down that Jenny Slate will

be voicing the role of a parade. We're trying to have fun. I don't understand. I mean nobody can have any fun anymore. Everything's outlawed. This is why people are out in the streets. Have you heard of this new thing? They think the cop did the blog. You got rid of the plain clothes and my PD officers. So they think there's a conspiracy that the block is a lot of fireworks going on raise in Brooklyn. He told me that. So there's a conspiracy that the blog on the cops or whoever are just giving fireworks to homeless people letting them go crazy with them so that it's an excuse because they just came up with this new fireworks commission which will be undercover people. So it's like they took away the undercover but they're like okay but we this new group is

going to be undercover. This is what people don't understand. They think abolish the police. There's not going to be any law and order in the world. There's going to be law and order and you might like it less. Power vacuums are going to be filled. You know. This is the result of people that go to college and have no they have no fucking understanding how the world works and they think they can like shame people. That doesn't work in real life. Go up to somebody in real life and be like I'm excuse me. I think that you're a bit like you can't build people put a gun in your face. I'll punch you in the face. They'll put a nail cut your throat. It doesn't work. Your Twitter antics don't work in real life. Not with criminals. Not with criminals.

People that want to kill you don't really care if you can't go and cancel people that want to kill you. That's not the way it works. Can't fault. You're can't fault. After front and critically acclaimed rock band Lion Eyes who they are talented and their fans of the show of the past decade for the past decade. Nate Bergman is making his first solo music that's already being described by classic rock magazine as Otis Redding Cross with Bruce Springsteen and making instantly likable tunes that hold their own. Metal Hammer UK says Bergman has one of the most original voices in modern music and distorted sound described his first solo show in London as a jaw dropping performance. American press American songwriter says painfully honest and witty

lyrics that are delivered through powerhouse vocals. The songs were recorded analog and feature real instruments which Nate played all of himself. Wow. That's fucking rare. It sounds very different from it sounds what it sounds very different from Doja Cat. If you love Doja Cat you might not love this. There's no songs about butts. I mean who wrote that. Did he write that probably him. I started beef with Doja Cat. You know however there are songs about Alan Dulles and I'm being trolled by the ads. Now I'm dead serious now. Are the are the ads a troll this week because if they are it's good

but if they're not everyone's getting fired. There's songs about Alan Dulles middle of the end is about Alan Dulles and the life of the American entertainer living on the line. Nate is a Rothschild member the patron and has been a fan and supporter for many years. Well thank you Nate. We don't need to start a war with Doja Cat. Who's had a rough couple of weeks anyway. You could go to his patreon patreon.com slash Nate Bergman sings for just five dollars a month. The patreon features exclusive studio songs live streams and playlist companions that are uploaded every week. Can we play some of what he's done on this.

Yeah let's find his stuff right now. Is he even in this. There's like a check. I don't even know. Yeah okay. I presume. He's got a great voice but they're it's coming out of the girl. Well just for the music video right right. Yes it's a good album. I bet he's good. I bet he's good you know.

What a song. Called the middle of the end. Go back to that. What a song about. Isn't that one of the episodes in my podcast called middle of the end. Because I said to Ray we're in the beginning of the end and Ray said we're in the middle of the end. Right. Where's my money. This guy out of his mind. That's the title of one of my podcasts.

Do we have a lawyer who's representing us. This guy not trying to start with Doja Cat and then saying you're going to name. He's like you might like my new song life in the big city. Right. I mean he has a good voice and he plays instruments. We appreciate that. Is he going out on his own now. Is he done with lion eyes. Looks like he's solo now. What happened to lion eyes.

Bands are rough man. Can you go up. Yeah I mean is this good. He's got a lot of great reviews. People are into it. Maybe he's still with lion eyes. I don't I don't want to say he's not. You know. But he's it's time to go out solo. Those guys I mean everybody's probably losing a lot of money now because of this. You know bands bands make money touring man. It's very tough. So if you go to patreon.com slash Nate Bergman sings I mean he's doing music about this show.

So you'll probably like it if you're a fan of the show. You're a fan of the show. You'll like what he's about. He's got a great voice. He plays you know he plays an instrument. His website Nate Bergman sings.com is through Wix when we had Wix as a sponsor. Fuck Wix now. But thank you for doing that then Nate. Instagram Nate Bergman sings. Go follow him. Twitter.com Nate Bergman sings. So go show him support. He's clearly a fan of the show. He really sings. He really plays music. I respect that. I appreciate that. He's no joke. You know he's just not you know he doesn't love the cat. Those are cat. That's OK. I think you should try to collab with the cat. You know

but I get it. Good for him. You know I'm I support anyone in the arts. I mean you know not really but I think it's a nice thing to say even if not to do Nate Bergman B. E. R. G. M. A. Nate Bergman sings dot com patreon dot com slash Nate Bergman sings for just five dollars a month. It features exclusive studio songs live streams and playlist companions that are uploaded every week. It's probably a good idea if you want to be a musician this guy might like to live streams and play you know why don't you teach people a little guitar on there you know it's an idea Nate why don't you throw a little guitar tutorial in there teach people about music a little bit

that might get them over it's a good idea it's a good idea I'm full of good ideas left BMG records after a major label failed to launch a previous band and is releasing music exclusively through patreon wow wow pretty cool this advertisement was paid for with the current stimulus check and several weeks unemployment good we appreciate that and we're going to send some people your way but I think you got to teach them a little guitar on there or whatever you do teach them a little tutorial tell them about the music business tell them what they got to do to succeed tell them the good the bad the ugly get you know get in there really create a community of people that want to be musicians I don't want them

I'm kidding I don't have anything that you know I have nothing to offer them but I mean this guy is really committed to to doing this so it's patreon.com slash Nate Bergman sings Instagram at Nate N-A-T-E Bergman B-E-R-G M-A-N sings same on Twitter go give him a follow if you like what you see go over to that Patreon he's singing for five dollars a month he's literally singing for his sepper and then about that song middle of the end we will have an attorney uh contact him and we will threaten him and we will suit no I'm kidding you have my blessing you can do all of the make-up who took Johnny themed album whatever you want to do we appreciate it

we like that you are a fan of the show and the life of the American entertainer living on the line I wonder what that song is about the life of the American entertainer living on the line everything is a screenshot a screenshot frozen in time they can re-emerge whenever screenshot suck oh jesus Nate Bergman sings that was Nate by the way just pumped through my locals Nate has a sing-along with Lewis Farrakhan on his Patreon if you want to go check that out

it's he teaches Lewis Farrakhan how to play guitar I didn't know that I think that's kind of cool he says I enjoy playing music but I enjoy playing music the most when I do it with Lewis Farrakhan okay interesting but that's fair me and Lewis started jamming and we really respect each other's styles so if you want exclusive content from Nate and Lewis Farrakhan go to his Patreon they play classical gas yeah the song Nate Bergman of lion eyes what happened to lion eyes that's the question

the major label failed to launch the previous band so what does that mean you just went solo gotcha BMG records they fucked them over it looks like it's crazy what's awkward is that our next ad is for BMG records that's kind of awkward but what are you going to do Patreon.com Nate Bergman sings he's a talented man he's now on his own if you love Doja Cat you might not love this but you know what I think he's wrong there I think there's room for Bergman and Doja Cat you know I think there's room for everybody

Nate, Lewis Farrakhan and Doja Cat that's a collab Doja Cat and Lewis Farrakhan collaborated show this man some love audience go and follow him and go and do whatever you know do whatever feels right support the man he spent money on the ad we appreciate that we love independent creators artists musicians whatever and we need them in this country you know we need them we also appreciate the cat but you know we're all over the place here so patreon.com Nate Bergman sings Nate Bergman sings on everything Twitter Instagram

Nate Bergman sings calm keep up with them and we wish him the best family guys star Mike Henry will no longer play Cleveland Brown and he made the announcement Friday on Twitter it's been an honor to play Cleveland on Family Guy for 20 years I love this character but persons of color should by the way how regressive does that sound I love this character but persons of color persons of color should get their chance at the role person to color Netflix well this is a little insane this is all from today are they gonna see this on the show yeah yeah yeah Netflix pulls community episode over blackface comes it's Kenjiang it looks crazy right dude Kenjiang can Asians do blackface what are the rules Kenjiang's like four feet tall

well they do in China right I think they do yeah I'm doing a blackface tour in China later this year I in China I I perform as as a backup Lizzo I make a lot of money doing that in China I just they just play one of her songs and I just go blame it on I just put blackface on I go and I gotta do black leg that's the real rough one they gotta put my thigh in it all and I just go blame it on the juice you can blame it on the juice and I'm saying juice not juice but who knows what that song really means I mean do Kenjiang in black like if I had a wedding that would be my wedding invitation would be Kenjiang in blackface I mean this is it's literally the craziest thing but here's

the thing it doesn't look like a black person I know I'd get this off please um get us taken down off YouTube you leave that up there for too long so the guy who played Cleveland is just going to dip after 20 years looks like there's a purge right now 30 rock took down episodes with blackface and other shows how much this is just a question this is just an aside how much blackface was going on Sarah Silverman did one in 2008 I know it's weird it's like I didn't realize there was a lot of blackface going on yeah I didn't realize how much blackface was happening they're like the view is taking down an episode where all the ladies did blackface I'm Barbara Walters and today I'm in blackface to honor the great Harriet Tubman yeah yeah I mean was this just happening

everywhere does everybody do blackface in this country I just wasn't aware of it just laying Maxwell being canceled over blackface photo next on access Hollywood Jeffrey Epstein's interest is asking the country for forgiveness because she went as a part she went as Diana Ross won Halloween but do you understand what I mean folks we're just kind of losing our minds here about this I know I'm a white guy and that's easy for me to say you know but I am Irish and there's no group of people in this country that have suffered more than the Irish nobody nobody our lives are utter tragedy no matter no matter who you know I mean the Irish we are a damned race this little Marxist on Twitter always says that Sean McCarthy who's uh

he's a sweet kid he's nuts but he's a sweet kid he doesn't think anyone should have more than five hundred thousand dollars but I like him he's like this little guy he's good sunken in eyes he's very funny he's very funny on Twitter and a nice like a genuinely nice guy like a sweetheart he's got a pretty wife like he's like a good person um but he always talks about that like he's one of these guys who understands like the Irish because you have a last name like McCarthy people expect you to be a loser Dylan I can hide because it's French Dylan has a little French in it but if your last name's like oh Lachlan oh oh Flaherty imagine going through the world with a name Flaherty like you know go to Irish last names how sad people's lives are with an Irish last name

it's I I would argue I would argue that if your name is O'Sullivan it's almost it's almost as bad as having having been a slave let's see Irish last names Kelly burn Ryan O'Sullivan the O's are the bad ones like oh oh Lachlan these are the boy the here we are here's some Irish last names top ones are Murphy Kelly keep going down O'Sullivan wall Schmitt O'Brien burn O'Connor O'Neill O'Reilly Doyle Doyle hello my name is Pachi Doyle yeah you're gonna fail Gallagher Gallagher oof this is worse keep going McLaughlin John McLaughlin McLaughlin O'Carroll

nobody nobody with the name O'Carroll is doing well you know about my friend Bobby O'Carroll his wife little man fire while they slept she set a ban she told her to do it Boyle Boyle your last name is Boyle this is these people power I've never heard that I've never heard an Irish person last name be power I know Kavanaugh is Irish Kavanaugh Brett Kavanaugh see you will not succeed with a name like Kavanaugh you have a name like Kavanaugh well what are you gonna do you know Brett Kavanaugh yeah yeah okay so he's on the Supreme Court I bet he couldn't be the president Higgins Higgins when I thought I liked girls I had a

crush on a girl who was last name was Higgins she's I bet she has a horrible life now horrible horrible life horrible it's a horrible life Chris you know Candace right I mean all we're trying to do folks we gotta bring some enjoyment back everything's too tight that's why I've tried to be silly this whole show China's going to fight us they're probably going to win maybe not but if we keep being fucking losers about everything like literally everything it's gonna be a problem you know toughen up a little stop fetishizing trauma stop using the word trauma

lightly trauma is something serious trauma should be reserved for like genuine victims of rape and sexual assault and soldiers who've we've asked to kill children for no reason that those people should have trauma okay like not people that went to hurt something offensive or saw something they didn't like they're like I have the trauma the trauma stays with me let's cut it out traumas for soldiers is sign up for the military because they think they're doing the right thing and then they end up in Afghanistan protecting pedophile warlords that's who the word trauma is for okay that's somebody who goes to an open mic and here's something they don't like

who's gonna play Cleveland now no one knows being rams is you think vin right but Cleveland's like a white black guy right it's like a whiny suburban guy I'm not saying black guys can't be whiny and suburban but like we don't think of them as that right should we should we start thinking of black guys like bitches is that I mean I know the the the the argument is like oh okay but I don't think of black people as criminals either you know like people are like oh you think you're scared of them you think of them as criminals I'm like no I just don't think they're bitches so I don't think of them as like wow like that's what Cleveland is right wow wow I guess maybe that's what everybody

want you know um like Cleveland is the white voice that black comedians do you know right that's what Cleveland always was so I was like that's why the character's funny he's like just big loaf of bread Cleveland you know like he's not what are we gonna have a thug Cleveland like a guy who's like motherfucker I'm Cleveland like what you know are we missing the point of Cleveland a little bit Cleveland's like a fat white bitch what are you talking about it's like it's like a suburban male with tits should be like fucking voiced by a white guy yeah some just some lactating old white male who's just got milky titties he's driving a home depot then he goes through the fucking drive-thru or somewhere just left out a little fart and

just eat something that's what we think of Cleveland we don't think like a cool black dude right we don't think of anyone who has any even if like we don't think of like like Peter Griffin Cleveland's like a guy that would hang out with Peter Griffin right they're like fat suburban losers and quagmire who's a rapist yeah quagmire the rapist it's like not what are we fighting over make more opportunities for black people make better shows black people don't watch a lot of your shit because it's whack yeah it's whack it sucks a lot of my black friends don't fuck with this shit because it's bad I don't mean family guy but I mean a lot of the stuff though woke shit people nobody watched a nightly show no one watched it of any race watched the nightly show

because it wasn't good it was not good was that Larry Whitmore Wilmore Wilmore sorry don't erase him by saying Whitmore I'm just saying we've lost our mind a little bit here folks we're starting it's starting to get it's starting to feel weird starting to feel very strange in the sense that it's nothing's enough for anybody I don't know what the future is people like white people can't write roles for black people now like right white people can't write a character for black I mean like what are we doing are we going back to the separate water fountains Lewis Gomez made a point today it's like at what point do we just this seems like we're bringing back segregation it seems like that white fragility

book written by a white woman by the way I mean that if you read any of that the dance they want you to do when you meet someone so that you don't offend them it's like no one will ever be friends again show McCarthy by the way who I like on twitter follow him by the way get his handle up he thinks it is kind of interesting that identity politics is the cia's way of preventing any class cohesion that's not it um short no I don't know find him I'll get him and and he might have a point there like he's like maybe all these big businesses and you know uh you know intelligence uh you know the you know agencies and stuff keep pushing this kind of radical identity politics because it prevents any unity amongst a class of people okay so that's what he said like he's like this he

has a podcast called grubstalkers pod I don't know what that's about they just I don't know they give billionaires a lashing or something but he's a funny guy but he's uh he had a good point about that where it's like the ruling class is kind of served by continually dividing people and it seems weird to kind of like divide them like this I don't know then he says other wacky stuff like nobody can have more than five hundred thousand dollars Sean stop it you're out of your mind so follow that guy I like him you won't agree with everything he says but he's very funny get my twitter up follow me too by the way follow me on twitter many of you don't and it's unfortunate we're changing the name of the cancel your family tour I think we're going

to call it life in the big city tour cancel your family it just seems a little tone deaf now with corona I don't know it also feels like it's over uh Dick Cheney says to wear a mask and I listened to Dick Cheney why because Dick Cheney pulled off 9 11 right Donald Trump can't even fucking pull off a wall this guy slaughtered 3000 people on our own soil that's fucking impressive and he says wear a mask I'm listening to him I'm listening to a guy that killed 3000 of our own people I'm sorry I am okay yeah he doesn't need to be a medical expert I'm listening to a guy that instituted a torture program and and and and got us out of that faggoty Geneva convention that says we shouldn't torture people this guy tortured innocent people and he killed them

and that's who I listened to guys who kill us and kill innocent people and invade countries for no reason really and and make a lot of money for Halliburton and other defense contractors and if he says wear a mask I listen to him I listen to a guy who spends most of the day torturing people and a little part of the day being nice to his lesbian daughter which is a nice thing that he does that but I listen to that guy I support that guy so if you're not wearing a mask right now you're making Dick Cheney unhappy and I don't want to live in a country where you ungrateful are you dead did he kill you did he torture you I seem to remember the economy doing pretty well after 9 11 thank you sir thank you Dick Cheney so when a genocidal mass murderer

who institutes torture wears a mask and a cowboy hat I listen when a genocidal monster who is responding out this is this is when I realized my career that like this this rant right now is limits me this is limiting this is limiting you know what I mean like I feel like like I feel like that like certain like this isn't like Alan doesn't want this you know what I mean Alan doesn't want this Alan wants to hang out with Dick Cheney Alan wants to go to Abu Ghraib and see where the blood got spilled and that's why she makes $80 million a year and I'm very grateful for my patreon thank you for that but I'll never make that kind of money because what kind of money because what I respect about Alan is Alan wants to smell the burning flesh

you see so she wouldn't she wouldn't go on a rant like this because you know she'd she'd meet Dick Cheney somewhere you know who knows Alan's probably at Bohemian Grove like leading that cremation of Kara ceremony yeah she's Alan and she's like dancing and all these billionaire CEOs are dancing they roll tick talking Dick Cheney's tick talking in front of the owl in front of the owl in front of Molok they're just playing the planes going into the buildings and they're all just fucking like remember 2001 everybody's got masks on they're watching the planes going to the buildings Alan's just fucking there in front of the owl she's just fucking doing the Charleston everybody's there

all the big CEOs the big media heads they're all there Anderson Cooper is there Cheney's pissing in his mouth you know Don Lemons there everybody's having fun you know imagine if I like if I imagine like my career gets better I'm on CNN one day and Andrew Cooper interviews me and he's like hey I'm like hey because I will have to do like I will I will have to meet some of these people eventually like on a show where they interview me and I'm like how are you how's it been uh Tim you've mentioned me Fallon no no how are you how are you how are you I don't think I'll meet him but I might I'm just in an area that like I could meet him I'm not expecting to I'm not gonna like hang out with him I'm not in that rarefied air of

comedians it's up there but like I could be in a place where he might be and like there could be like just this awkward and I don't think he knows who I am hopefully but that that clip's almost got a million views of me saying he bit someone's tit that's funny though so all I'm trying to say this is how I'm gonna end the episode Jenny Slate needs to go to jail Dick Cheney does not okay all Dick Cheney did was lies into a couple of wars pull off a false flag to get us into them institute torture bankrupt our country and and use it to kill innocent people both at home and abroad Jenny Slate erased a black person using a cartoon she's a sick bitch you know what I mean so I think she could go to jail and the only way that she can redeem herself

the only way that Jenny Slate can redeem herself is if she can do Cleveland Brown's voice and if she can't do Cleveland Brown's voice then I've had enough and she goes to the gulag but is that a funnier tweet if I say should I tweet uh Jenny Slate congrats to Jenny Slate on a new job voicing Cleveland Brown I'm so ready to get out of this business and move to the desert you have no idea I'm a year away from Florida or the desert we I don't know but I'm so close to just pulling the fucking chain get the fuck out of here I don't care anymore fucking meetings with people so what about what

what about like what about what about what about what about what about like hey hey it's Josh it's chill hey hey hey so like what about what about if the show is like you like what about what about have you ever thought of like hey have you considered you know it would be really good like I really see you in the hey shut up shut up you go get me a show I'm gonna get Rosie and Arnold on it to talk about Q first fucking episode first episode if I have a fucking show first episode everybody's gonna have the script they're like we're ready to shoot and then I go throw the script away boys and then I bring Rosie and Arnold on I sit her down I lighter a cigarette and I say tell us the truth Rose tell us the truth

see everybody being like everybody's like paranoid reservation at a restaurant Beverly Hills in a half hour okay I like uh ocean prime in Beverly Hills because it's a it's a it's a it's an expensive red lobster and it's very diverse black people love it because they love seafood I love seafood and shellfish that's why I go most most restaurants at Beverly Hills are very white and Persian but I like ocean prime because it's like a big red lobster that's my commitment to diversity I used to eat there with Latoya Jackson all the time she was in another table I'd be in another table you know I don't know folks how great would that be just a show first episode I just bring Roseanne on dude did you can you play the Roseanne

Donald Trump but did you see what she did recently oh I think so yeah she's a fucking genius I'm supposed to be on a show can her fucking son please get in contact with me because your fucking mother is literally the one of the last fucking oh geez left in this fucking game I don't care what you believe it I'll find it hold on did she everyone at least her tweets now I don't know she somebody might have fucking told her to delete it she's so good everything she does is good this is it you know what I think you know discuss amongst yourselves if you don't agree you don't really have to burn me at the stake for just for not agreeing with me but let me just throw out one idea and I hope that the hungry dogs in the street have enough meat as not to come after me for

thinking and speaking I'm tired of it but I have this to say as follows and it's okay I say because nobody lives that fucking thing I say which is great I'm tired of being monitored you know and corrected and shit fuck it I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say Trump hear me when I say this Trump is in my opinion the first woman president of the United States the woman is just fucking she's designed to make me happy everything she does not the monkey thing she said but most of what she says planet of the apes whatever but a lot of what she says I just I just enjoy her gosh darn it I just enjoy a crazy person can we go back to enjoying crazy people can comedians stop fucking going to college and telling everybody how to live

stop no one cares we should not allow any comedians other than like malaney we shouldn't allow any comedians that went to college I mean that's ridiculous I know but I know it's stupid but not the ones now the ones graduating now are no good yeah I'm just saying that we have to have fun people out there are not having enough fun you enjoy the quesadilla it is quite literally your last enjoy it have fun have fun at the cheesecake factory go and have fun go drink and get behind the wheel of your car and drive because it's fun cheat on your significant other leave your family and let them fend for themselves

because it's time for you it's time for you now do you understand that it's not time for everyone else how long have you lived for other people too long but now in end times with many many plagues just enjoy enjoy what you have you know enjoy what you have I'll tell you that I want to show I want to show I I want the industry to believe in me I I I want to be like Sarah Cooper I want I want I want the people I want the people with the suits in the offices to care I want them to give me a shot because I will I will make a beautiful show I will make a beautiful show and the show will end with Rosie Ann Arnold first of all a black hand will go out to grab Jenny Slate's hand and forgive her and then Jenny Slate will see as the black hand draws her

closer that it's Candace Owens and then and by the time Jenny's on the other side of the of the of the stage Roseanne peeks out and hands Jenny Slate a cigarette I don't know if Jenny smokes but Roseanne goes here you go and then Jenny lights up a cigarette and then they all just stand there and then they hold up Q letter Q and then I come out with Dick Cheney and a child he mercilessly tortured and Alan DeGeneres and we dance like everyone is watching good luck out there folks and have fun