The Tim Dillon Show - 209: 209 - Don't Curse Me

Episode Date: July 19, 2020

Tim talks this week about comedy legend Chrissy Teigen, the new show about lovely ladies he's obsessed with, Twitter accusations against him, and why no institution truly cares about you or your rights. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: WALLETS - http://www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. UNDERWEAR - https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ and order with PROMO CODE Tim to ge Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm Attorney General Ashley Moody with a warning about contact tracing scans. Health officials in Florida are calling people who may have been in contact with someone who tested positive for COVID-19. It's extremely important that they make contact with potentially infected individuals to help slow the spread of this deadly disease, making contact tracing vital to ending this pandemic. Sadly, scammers are mimicking these calls in an attempt to steal personal information. If you receive a call from someone who claims to be a contact tracer, take steps to confirm that the call is in fact from your local health department.

Know that a legitimate contact tracer will never ask for your birth date. They already have this information and will simply ask for confirmation. That's comforting. Contact tracers will never ask for your social security number or banking information. They have that too. They also will never reveal the identity of the COVID-19 positive person you may have had contact with. So what the fuck's the point? Finally, if a call seems suspicious, hang up.

Get her out of here! Get her out of here! This is again an attack on entrepreneurs. People reaching out to other people to do business, to drive the economy. It's about commerce, and if people want to call people and present and say, hey, you might have been in contact with somebody who had COVID-19, get a test, and then use it as a way to present them with a business opportunity. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And shame on the attorney general of Florida. Shame on her! Shame on her for that anti-business attitude. Shame on her! How dare she? We all don't get checks from the government. We all don't get checks from Uncle Sam. Some of us need to go out in the streets and earn a living, bring home the bacon,

rustle up a little cabbage! And what is she doing? She's discouraging men like myself. I gotta list the names of Florida. I'm just gonna call all of them and let them know they might have been in touch with somebody who has COVID-19. The fact that scammers are using the contact tracing to try to scam people is just, it's, I know it's sad, but it is so funny that it's happening.

Like, it's so funny to me that they're, because I mean, we would have done that. We would have been like, hey, how are you? Hey, is this Ms. Miller? Yes. Listen, it's never an easy call to make, but we just want to let you know that you may have been in contact with somebody who has tested positive for COVID-19. We have it on some good information that you have exposed yourself and your family to this potentially devastating disease.

Have you taken a COVID-19 test? Well, good news is we can show up at the property with a COVID-19 test. You and the entire family for seven easy payments of $69.99. Also, what rate are you paying on the mortgage? Mortgage rates have dropped precipitously due to the economic climate. Is there a way that we can help you streamline some of your debt and refinance that property in Florida while we're testing your family for COVID-19? I think that's the smartest thing to do.

Am I wrong here, Mrs. Miller? I don't think I am. And then we would just show up. We'd show up, you know, drug the family, make her sign all these papers, and then light them on fire. And if that is not America, then I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to live in a country where I cannot. First of all, if you're answering a contact tracing call, I don't know, maybe stop. Do you really feel better if it's the government going, hello?

Oh, it's the government. Oh, were you your sister's house last Wednesday? Because there was a party and three people have COVID. And what contact tracing is too late? It's too late. I mean, you have it, or you don't. I guess, yep. Just wear the fucking mask.

All of this is to avoid the dumb mask, and the mask is only because you people want to leave your homes. So be very easy. Don't leave. Don't wear the mask. Don't go anywhere. Unless you have to go to work, and then you have to wear the mask because you're at work. But it's this idea that you're like, oh, I want to go out. I don't want to wear the mask.

Then we have all of these other things now where it's like, well, now we have contact tracing. And you know, they're going to use that as they already have for protesters and everybody else. And you didn't pay your taxes last year. You said the word. You said an inappropriate word on Facebook. Now it's contact tracing. And wait, wait till that starts. Wait till social justice contact tracing starts.

They start calling people up. Hi, you like to tweet on less Thursday? Is this Sharon? Is this Sharon? Did you tweet last Thursday? Hey, Dr. Fauci, we know what you did with AIDS, and you're not going to do it again. We're just trying to trace all the different people you've been in contact with, the different people that might hold those opinions.

It's bad. I'm not answering a call from the government. I don't want anybody calling me. I don't want my friends and family calling me. Certainly. I'm thinking about moving. And it's just such a great boomer attitude. I was thinking about moving.

And my father goes, it's closer to where he, I mean, he's in New York. I wouldn't be in California anymore. And my father's whole thing, of course, the perfect boomer response to me thinking about starting my new life. He goes, well, yeah, it would be easier for me to visit you because I wouldn't have to fly all the way to California. So again, thank you. Thank you.

Just a great way. They will always make it about themselves as much as possible. You got to respect it. You almost have to respect it truly, you know, and it would be easier to respect if that type of attitude didn't destroy civilization as it rapidly crumbles. Rapidly crumbling, DHS agents going around Portland, snatching people up. If you've seen this a little disturbing, but I mean, Portland's crazy. There's a lot of loonies running around there, but still uncomfortable

with people getting thrown into vans by the government. But again, we knew this was going to happen. Everybody, I mean, again, the most predictable thing ever. They had barely made it up half a block when an unmarked minivan pulled up in front of them. I see guys in camo, four or five of them pop up, open the door, and it was just like, oh, shit, I don't know who you are or what you want with us. Federal law enforcement officers have been using unmarked vehicles to drive around

downtown Portland and detain protesters since last Tuesday. Personal accounts and multiple videos posted online show the officers driving up to people, detaining individuals with no explanation about why they are being arrested and driving off. I mean, this is, this was started after 9-11, this type of thing. We do not have to give you a reason as to why you are being detained. We can hold you indefinitely. This is exactly what, you know, people were afraid of. And of course, a lot of people are probably saying that these people are domestic terrorists

and they were planning on committing acts of domestic terrorism. I don't know if that's true. It's certainly not impossible. The people in Portland are out of their fucking minds, some of them. So absolutely, it's possible. But again, it's like, we got to just take the government's word for it and we got to just show up in a van and throw people in a van. It just doesn't seem, this seems like, you know, it heads to a bad place.

Is it just me? Is it just me or the camo guys throwing people in a van and driving off heads to a bad place? But what did I tell you in the beginning of this thing? I said the riots and the looting. What are they going to be used for? They're going to be used as a way for the government to take whatever few remaining rights you have.

This is not new. This shouldn't be surprising. That's why I was like, protests are great. Nonviolent protests are great. The minute you use violence, the state turns around and will use violence as well. And so the logical thing there is, if you think violence is going to work, you have to believe that you're going to beat the state. That you're going to actually drive the state, I mean, out of Portland.

I mean, how long did Chas last? Two weeks. They've got one by city hall right now. Everybody's just hanging out doing drugs, discussing what the new government will be like after the city falls. It doesn't work. It doesn't work because the government's got the money and the power and the weaponry and machinery of death.

They have the, I mean, we have a population, but it's also like there's no loyalty that anybody in this country has to anybody else. We're not a group of people that agree on anything. We're not, we're not going to be able to fashion a government. I mean, this is child style. I mean, this is like a crazy idea. The idea that we're going to like topple the government and then we're going to like, people are going to sit around a room and then decide what the new government's going to look

like after we've burned the White House down. I mean, and I see people that should be more intelligent than this, egging this on, pouring gasoline on this. And I keep wondering and asking them like, well, what is the plan here? What is the plan? We abolish the police that enrich communities, private cops, X Mossad, X CIA, fun folks, less accountability than the cops have now. And in the poor communities, who will fill that power vacuum?

The mafia, gangs, criminal enterprises, because businesses, people are going to want safety and security and somehow they're going to get it. And the only way they'll get it is by pledging loyalty to some type of criminal enterprise. This is what happens when the police are gone and then the state no longer has a monopoly on violence and that everybody's using violence in his vigilante way as they see fit everybody else. This is the anarchy that we fetishize on Twitter all the time. The same people that fetishize this type of anarchy get very scared when someone misgender someone. They think that's violence. Wait till they find out what actual violence is.

The same people that get scared that somebody doesn't use the right pronouns in a magazine or somebody has an argument that disagrees with them, feel perfectly comfortable with people marching through the streets, burning down buildings. Thinking this is all going to go to some, I mean, it's fucking wild that these are adults. This is fucking nuts that we're having these conversations with I get drug addict, failed stand up comedians who live on floors. But I'm looking at actual adults, celebrities, people with money, thinking that somehow these mass violent insurrections in these cities lead to anything good.

Is everyone nuts? This is like that thing when viral on Facebook that guy Tom Fullery, we talked about it on the Patreon, he did that. He did that. He did that thing when the quarantine first started. The like, you know, the bread making on Instagram was happening. Everybody was baking bread and everybody was talking about how the earth was healing and we were going to emerge stronger than before. How did that? How did that work out? Are we stronger than before? And then this guy, it went viral. It's like Tom Fullery, I don't even know who he is, he's this British guy. Can we play that on the show? No, we did it on the Patreon though.

We did it on the Patreon, we can't play it, but basically it was like a rhyme where he's reading a book to his son or a kid and he's like, we built cities with buildings very tall, but we weren't listening to each other at all. And then he would do this whole thing about how like, you know, and then, you know, people got sick and we started listening, we started dancing, we started baking and it was like, and it was just like this fucking crazy Pollyanna-ish view of like what would happen when you told the country they couldn't go to work tomorrow. They're like, everybody will start dancing in the street. And yeah, that works for a week. And then all of a sudden, it starts to get pretty dark pretty quick. But I mean,

I just don't understand if somebody can explain to me, if somebody intelligent can explain to me how they think this all works. Great. I'm open to listen. I'm open to listening. Okay. I'm open to it. I think Chrissy Teigen should lean in to being accountable at this point because she's probably not, but all of Twitter, a lot of Twitter thinks she is. So just lean into it and have John Legend get out and be like, we're just ordinary cannibals and sit on the fucking piano while he does it. Who cares? Chrissy Teigen is just a hot chick. Listen, QAnon people, all I try to do is help you people. I really do. Many of you are schizophrenic. Many of you are schizophrenic. Many of you

have a few of the right ideas and a lot of the wrong ones. And that's a potent combination. And it's quite bad. It's quite bad to have some of the right ideas and some of the wrong ones and just go confidently with that. Not good. So Chrissy Teigen, I don't even know who that she's like a model who married John Legend. She's on social media all the time and she's a hot chick who just, the biggest problems in life. Listen to me now. You see how I did that with my voice? That means I'm going into a philosopher mode. The biggest problems in life are people that can't be who they are. Rich people that can't just be rich and try to be like clowns. You look at them with pity and you look on in horror. I've seen rich people on stage like trying to do it and

cause nothing sadder than watching a rich person fail at trying to be a clown. There's nothing worse than a hot chick trying to be funny and relevant and interesting if you don't have to be. She's a hot chick who's addicted to herself. All she does is post fucking every, she deleted 60,000 tweets. I mean, the woman's tweeted like so many fucking times, it'll just be like, I can be, I'm eating a taco. She can't handle people not looking at her for five minutes. She doesn't have time to be a satanic pedophile. She's on Twitter all day. So here's the thing. She tweeted things about that show toddlers and tiars and some of them are weird and some of them are creepy. She tweeted some things about pizza or whatever. Nobody knew before Pizza Gate,

people just liked pizza. They didn't know. I don't like Chrissy Teigen. I don't think she's funny. I think she's annoying. I don't like that she judged a comedy competition on NBC. There's nothing funny about her and I don't know why the hell I'm going to jail over pizza. I mean, what was that? 2013? I mean, she, well, that didn't age well. Didn't age well. Didn't age well, but she didn't know or she did. I don't know. I don't know her. Okay. I don't like, I'm not like hanging out with her and John Legend, but I don't think they're eating children. I don't think her and John Legend, if she was a cannibal, it would be the most interesting thing about her. How much more interesting would this bitch be if she was eating children, which I'm against. But again,

just on the fucking, what makes people interesting, if somebody said, you know that hot bitch, Chrissy Teigen, who's for some reason hosting a comedy show on NBC, judging and telling people who's funny and who's not funny. Well, and she has a cookware line and I'm like, yes, and they would go, she's also a fucking cannibal. And I'm like, really? Really? But I don't think she is. She's just trying to be funny. And when people that don't have any perspective try to be funny, they just say things that are outlandish. She's just a hot girl trying to get attention. Okay. So when she's talking about eating human flesh, I would love to taste with a human. It's just when hot chicks talk, guys just laugh at whatever they say. Anyone Chrissy Teigen

her entire life. When she said something like, I just want to eat people, guys. Yeah, you're cool. Yeah, people, you're fucking wild. If I said I want to eat people, someone goes and calls the police. So there's a difference between me and Chrissy Teigen and how people respond to what we say. She's never had to be accountable for any word that's ever come out of her mouth. She just hasn't because she's gotten that hot chick. We're just ordinary cannibals. What a great song though. Why not do that? He's just playing in the piano. We're just ordinary cannibals. We just want to eat our fill. Just maybe lean into it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think she's eating chill. Why do we, why do the kids have, why is sexual abuse not enough

for the QAnon people? Why is it not enough that the kids are being sexually abused? That is heinous, horrific, should be like punishable by death. Why is that not enough? Why do they have to be eating the children? I don't understand why this has to be a Hansel and Gretel fairy tale for anyone to care about this. Is what Epstein and just Lane doing was that somehow better because they weren't barbecuing the girls after? I don't understand. Do you have to bring out a human size rotisserie for people to care about children? It's very strange, very strange to me. This obsession with the celebrities being cannibals. I think if you just have a very shitty life or you're bored and your life's actually pretty good but you're bored

you just start thinking that everybody who's achieved any level of success eats people. I don't know what breaks in your mind. I don't know what happens. Is Chrissy Teigen in the Illuminati? How embarrassing is it if this bitch is the thing that you all think? Like, can you imagine, doesn't that bother some of you that it's this woman, a woman who gets in cookware feuds with other, with the food bloggers? But I think she should probably get off Twitter or take a little break. Chrissy, you're not built for it. Relax. She's big on Twitter. I sub-tweeted her once. It said something and people are like, whoa, don't fuck around with Chrissy. They said, she'll get you thrown right off Twitter. And I said, why? I said, I'm just an ordinary cannibal.

I feel bad for people that are suffering from mental illness. I want to say that. And I think there's a lot of people in this country all over the place that this quarantine has exacerbated mental illness, including many of my friends and family members and a lot of people of my colleagues seem to seem to be slipping and losing their mind. Okay. Very sad. R.I.P. to Brian Callen, Brendan Shaw, but both died this morning of coronavirus. Very sad. They fought till the end. They fought till the end. And I respect that. I respect that. I just want to scream about ordinary. I started watching this show. Devon and Ida came over. We did the Patreon and I started watching this show. My big, fat American gypsy wedding. I've

become fascinated with gypsies. And I think everyone should get a hobby during quarantine. I really do. I think you should get a hobby. Do something better yourself. I've chosen gypsies. You can choose losing weight, writing a novel. I have chosen the Romani people. That is what I want to and listen to any of them listening. Don't curse me. Stop right there. Cause I am afraid of that. I'm going to talk about this very respectfully. I don't want any of the curses. I don't think they run anything else. So I don't really have to worry about them denying me, you know, a spot on tournament of last two, but you know, no, if the curses are legit, none of that, I don't want any of it. They're obviously the gypsies. They've been travelers forever. A lot

of people think they're thieves. I don't, I don't, I don't know about that. Who am I to? You make a little business here. It doesn't work out. You get in the caravan and go to the next town. What am I? Hey, what? I don't have anything to say about that. But they love like gaudy over the top dresses and bling and, and, and, and they have these weddings that are wild and these women show up in these fucking, you know, truly heinous, don't curse me, heinous grotesque outfits. I mean, think, can we show screenshots? Just Google Sandra Shelley, who's the designer of these outfits. This, this woman who's not a gypsy, but makes her living selling these people dresses to wear to weddings. And I mean dresses that like, look at, look at these. I mean, I mean, you'd have to

be on crack to walk down an aisle in that, but they love it. And they're, and a lot of them marry like their first cousin. A lot of them do. And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. Don't curse me. I just want you to be happy. And they're very open about that. I'm not. And now is that, then there's the charge of it gets a little inbred if you're marrying your first cousin. And, and, and, hey, I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but I, I, it's just such a great show. It's just such a phenomenal show. TLC just finds groups of people and just everything on TLC is just, you find people whose lives have been destroyed. My 600 pound life, my strange addiction. I mean, TLC has a room of executives basically going like, let's find a bitch who's addicted to eating a couch.

Let's find somebody who's addicted to eating glass. And it's destroying the lining of her stomach and her esophagus. And let's put her on, and let's put her on camera. And then they found these small groups of American Gypsies and they have weddings and they get in these feuds and they beat the shit out of each other. And I just, I, you know, I thought somebody told me about this show and I thought I'd watch it for like a few minutes. I ended up watching just at least a YouTube clip after YouTube clip after YouTube, but they are fun. They seem fun. I don't know if they're the brightest, but they seem fun people. Like they're, they're happier than anyone I know. And many of them don't have much, but they're happier than anyone I know. So maybe they figured

it out. I don't know. I'm being very careful here because I don't know if or I believe in the curse or not. Do you believe in the Gypsy curse? You're a fucking Texas. You come out of a deeply conservative Christian church. You believe in all this shit. I mean, where do you stand at Ken Gypsies curse people? I think so. I'm superstitious, aren't you? Like do you, do you see omens and stuff or like, I don't want to start problems here. That's all I'm trying to say. 10 million of them, right? 10 million Gypsies. I don't know how many there are of them. I'm just saying I respect your culture. I want to get this guy Pat baby on the show whose daughter Priscilla is a professional wrestler. I'm the culture is fascinating to me. I don't love the dresses, but I'm not going to get

married in a wedding dress. So it's, I mean, these wedding dresses at first, I mean, when you look at them, they're horrific. They're almost scary. You find that snow white one. Yeah, they're almost, they're kind of terrifying. And a lot of these weddings are in fields. If you are a Gypsy fan of the show, please reach out to me and let's start a dialogue about how I can kind of understand and learn more about the Gypsy culture. Yeah. I mean, look at that. I mean, it's just, it's kind of, it's a little disturbing. It lights up too at night. It also lights up. Yeah. But they love the bling and the right. So I mean, so if you're a fan of the show and you're a Ramachal, Ramnachal Gypsy, I don't really want

the Irish traveler variety. No offense. But I kind of want the real deal Ramnachal. Yeah. If you are a fan of the show and you're Ramnachal Gypsy, and that's possible. Correct. Please respectfully, without cursing me, reach out because I'm just very interested in the culture. I just only want to watch his Gypsies now. I mean, it's crazy. I just want to watch Gypsies. I just watched Gypsy weddings, Gypsy balls. I don't, I don't know what's happening to me, but I don't want to consume any other content at the moment, except Gypsies. There's something about it that I enjoy. I think of myself kind of like a traveler. I'm a nomadic person to a degree. Am I not? I've been persecuted throughout history for being

correct about everything. Why, why do I not get to, you know what I mean? They're, they're happy people. They're, they're interesting people. Are they in bread? That's a, that's a fair question that I am not weighing in on in any way. It's a question that I am asking, because the is, if you marry your first cousin, what is that? It's incest. Yeah. But, but you know, let's not come down on it hard too hard on the show. Let's just let it out as like, uh, I think Chrissy Teigen's the real problem. And, but you know, I don't know. It seems a little, it seems a little sus. I don't have a hot first cousin. I can't relate. Um, but there's a look that a lot of these people have. There is a look of that there's something going. There's maybe something a

little off. Not all of them. I haven't seen all of them, but certainly the ones on the show. Some are pretty. Uh, no, not it's unique. There's an interesting quality there. But I'm, I'm actually just fascinated by the culture. I've only seen the gypsies on the show. I don't know gypsies in real life. I'm not trying to discriminate against them. I've, I understand that all kinds of people have all kinds of issues out there. I don't, cousin marriage is not even in the, any of in the top hundred problems in America. And it's not even a problem. Do your thing. Um, it's, it's an interesting culture. The dresses are a little strange. Um, and they beat, they beat the shit out of each other at a lot of these parties. Like, because they don't like when a gypsy marries a non gypsy. It's

called the gorger. So the non gypsies called the gorgers. And then there's the gypsies. I don't know what it is. I'm just saying, well, we're not going to talk about this for the whole episode because I don't need, I don't need a fucking old woman coming over here and fucking, I don't know handing me a monkey's paw and cursing me. And maybe that doesn't happen. I don't know. But so here's what I will say. If you are gypsy and you want to like, you want to get involved with some contact tracing call scams, I would get involved with you. I would fly to Florida and set up a call center right now with gypsies, with gypsies. Listen to call people that and say that they've been exposed to coronavirus and then get their information. Just throwing it out

there. But other than that, I will just continue to watch every episode of this show, the UK and the American version that I can, because it is truly the only thing that is making me happy. I mean, it's truly the only thing. I don't know why watching two women in brightly colored dresses beat the shit out of each other in a field makes me happy. But right now it is. It's hitting the spot. It's just hitting the goddamn spot. We all got to find moments of levity. We all got to find things. I'm enjoying learning about different cultures. Isn't that the point of life? Learning about different cultures. That's what I'm doing on this show. That's why I watch my big fat American gypsy wedding to learn about different people and their way of life. So if you're a

rumnishel gypsy, not a traveler, I'm kidding. If you're an Irish traveler, please message me on Instagram. And now many of you are going to lie because everyone always lies when I say message me and they lie and I know you lie. And I said, are you in a secret society and then you lose just like, yes, I'm in skull and bones. We know you're not. Gayo dick suck. Gayo dick suck. Gayo dick suck. It's the apocalypse. Accused, by the way, I was accused, and I won't say the name, but I was accused on Twitter by an ex daily show writer of using coded language. Very disappointing. Very disappointing. Truly disappointing. This woman who I've been nice to and like tweeted out things she's done, because I think she has some talent writing, said like, hey, you always seem

like you're dancing around what you want to say. Let it out. We're all friends here. I think all of these people, if you try to have a nuanced point, they all think we're sitting in a room saying Heil Hitler. I don't know what's wrong with this woman, but this woman has a cooking show and I watched that and she made three Hitler jokes in the first minute. Yeah. So who's obsessed with Hitler? Maybe it's you. I made a point and I made the point on the show where I said that people that are, you know, very, very uncomfortable and feel unsafe when people use language they don't like or make points they disagree with seem to not mind. They feel very safe when you just have anarchy and chaos and violence in the street. So I was like, that seems like a very interesting

setup for a human being psyche to have getting triggered and feeling unsafe with language, but not really minding the fire and the gunshots and the violence. And then this woman was like, well, what do you, what do you really want to say? What did she think I was going to tweet back? Oh, right. I'm sorry. Heil Hitler. That's what I meant to say. I was making a nuanced point about people weaponizing the word unsafe to just basically shut down conversations by saying they feel unsafe. And you rightly noticed that and called me out because what I was really saying is Heil Hitler. Thank you so much for pointing that out. And I said there, I said, I have, I have a lot of podcasts. You can listen to all of them. My words are very accessible. They're

also my own. And I said to her, you made a living in a major corporation that vetted everything you said. Everything you said went through standards and practices, went through ad sales, went through legal. It got vetted. It got vetted to make sure that it was okay because fucking corporate sponsors were sticking ads in the middle of it. Okay. I'm allowed to say what the fuck I want. And I say that for now, by the way, for now, I say that and all my words are pretty accessible and they're my own. They didn't go through legal and standards and practices. And then she doesn't respond, of course, because these people just want to drive the car. They want to throw the rock and they want to keep going. That's what they want to do. I pick up the rock. I throw it back. By the time I've thrown it

back, the car is in the next town like the gypsies. And I loved, I love gypsy. Don't waste a curse on me with Chrissy Teigen's barbecue and kids. We're just all right. I can't believe I have to defend Chrissy Teigen 2020. Fuck you. I don't want to defend Chrissy Teigen. I hate her. But I just don't think she's eating children. I don't know. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go on the, but maybe I don't know. I mean, in two months, if it comes that she's eating children, I want to also make a disclaimer here. This is how fucked things are that I have to now make a disclaimer that if Chrissy Teigen is busted for eating children, I did not know and I'm not defending her. I'm basically saying the evidence presented at this point has not convinced me that Chrissy Teigen is a satanic

pedophile cannibal. That being said, if new evidence comes, I may revise my estimate. I don't know. I'm spending all my money right now trying to get just Lane Maxwell out of prison because she's been wrongly accused. This is a powerful, strong woman. She's a fierce advocate of women's independence and liberation. The idea that she's behind bars right now is a fucking tragedy. It is a travesty. It is disgusting. And I think we should get her out of jail. Just Lane Maxwell did buy an ad this week on the show. She did buy an ad this week on the show. And it was a lot of fucking money. We usually don't sell ads for this much money, but it was an ad and it's an ad for her being released from prison. And so we do have to do the ad and this is just essentially the ad.

Is it just Lane Maxwell wants to say hello to the whole Tim Dillon Show fan base and audience? She thinks that there's a lot of rumors floating around there about her, but they're easily corrected and she will be giving up some very big names. How great would it be if just Lane Maxwell's like they put her on the stand finally whenever this trial happens and won't by the way probably, but whenever it happens and she's like sitting there, she's like, listen, love, it's all Chrissy Teigen. We was working for Chrissy Teigen love. Me and Jeffrey wasn't doing nothing. We was afraid of Chrissy Teigen. How great would it be if just just Lane just outs Chrissy Teigen as the leader. She is the leader. I went, I had lunch at the yard house in Rancho Mirage, the yard house,

which is a, you know, people know I love a corporate steakhouse. They know that. But I also, you know, every now and then just to chain corporate lunch spot where they do things like tuna, ahi tuna, poke nachos and a nice crab cake sandwich with a jalapeno tartar, some truffle fries. You never leave mad. You never leave those places mad. Let's be honest. You never leave that kind of outdoor mall chain lunch spot, you know, whatever it is mad, you know, like a little upmarket, not an Applebee's per se, but like the place with just a little bit more. I don't like the term gastropub. I've been highly critical of gastropubs. I think many of them suck, but I think some of them, if done right and some of, and it's rare, there's really done right.

But some of these like craft brew houses, all this bullshit, they just have good food. So this is shot out to the yard house in Rancho Mirage with the ahi tuna, poke nachos and the crab cake sandwich. Phenomenal, sadly, Dickies barbecue pit in Rancho Mirage, still running a human trafficking ring. So if the victimization of children bothers you, go over and show Dickies how you feel about it. However you want to handle it, just handle it. It's not my, it's not my business. But when you take a postmates order, when you have fucking eight minutes and then you fucking call back and go, we're closed. It's like, you're not closed. I ordered it eight minutes ago. I'm just, I'm a little, I support the American worker and I have always,

it's something that I believe in. But I'm also getting very angry at the people in, in drug stores that are now using COVID as a reason to not just show you where the, the eardrops are. Like they just, they just, they point in general direction. They go, they're over there. I'll say, it's like, just show me where it is. Walk me to the eardrop, point at it and then leave and I'll pick it up. I just think that COVID in general is really bringing out the worst in everybody, including many of the people that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis, you know? And I'm just wondering how should we handle this kind of level of insubordination or this new like attitude that a lot of people have? Do we withhold a vaccine

from the people that are not performing? I mean, this is a question. I mean, do we withhold treatment from the people that are not performing? You know? I mean, is this the way to do it? Because I think there's just a lot of, there's a lot of tood now. There's a lot of tood and it's like uncalled for and unnecessary. I know you're miserable and you don't want to be there and you know, you're being exposed to a deadly virus and I get all of that, but like, here's the reality. I, I don't want the tood. I don't want the dude. I was all like sanders, working people, support, but then I'm like, I need an eardrop because I got water in my inner ear from the pool, which is not as big as I'd like, but it's in my inner ear now and that will cause an infection.

Where are the drops? And it just point to aisle seven and go, yeah, aisle seven and then walk away. It's like, what is this? Where is the pride? Right, Athe in Palm Desert? Where is the pride? No, truly. It just bothers me. I, I, I, I just think that if people at certain jobs knew that they would not be vaccinated unless their performance was better, they would rise to the occasion, yes or yes. Yes or yes. It's a question. I'm just throwing it out there. How do we mandate performance now? I don't know, but I'm saying, I think maybe it's time to kind of make people understand that there are stakes. When I had that crib, that's a fat crab cake at the yard house with the jalapeno tartar and the poke nachos were nice. They were a little light on the

ahi light, but that's okay because I understand that word where it reduced capacity. We're an only outdoor seating. I get it. You're trying to make a buck. I understand that. It's funny when you're on the desert, you know, we say like it's hot and all the locals like, it could be like 116 degrees and it'll be like it's hot and they're like, this is nothing. It's like, how hot does it get? What do you mean this is nothing? People love to say that. Like locals love to say they're like, you don't know what hot is. It's like, you know, I, 116 degrees is hot. That's hot. Oh, you don't understand. You don't understand how bad things are. Shout out to that restaurant. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's tough to work in the restaurant

business. It's very, very difficult and I've only eaten outside. We've eaten outside in a few places and my heart goes out to people in that industry because listen, it's an industry I'd love to get into. If, if I was successful at podcasting in a comedy more so than I am now and I could save some money, I'd invest it into a restaurant. I love that business and I would like to have a restaurant and I'd like to have like a neighborhood-y casual, like a high-end upscale cafe. I've talked about it on a Patreon and so when I, when I am at a restaurant and I see servers behaving in a way that just isn't, isn't, you know, doesn't really, you know, put the institution in a good light, I want, I want to take away their vaccines and I want to, and I want to make them, I want to

understand that that can happen and I just want to know how we can do that as a country to go to people at, to the essential, well, these are the essential workers, essentially, the people, the right, right aides and the Walgreens and the nurses don't get me started on them, but I don't think, I don't think the essential workers should be vaccinated if they're not the, if the, I want a peer review. I want a peer review, like I want to know that that they're, they're behaving like the other day I ordered Postmates and the guy just opens a garage and leaves it by the garage door and it's, it's like baking in the sun for an hour and I'm yelling at Postmates, he doesn't knock on the door, he doesn't open the door, he sees that

he goes in a garage and leaves it in a fucking garage, like should that guy be inoculated against this disease? No, no, I just, I'm just saying, I think a lot of it had to do with calling people heroes early on, calling them essential workers, I think people got a little bit of an attitude, I think people got, got a little bit of a chip on their shoulder when they heard they were essential and that people like myself were somehow not essential, the commentators, the people who speak, the people who talk, the people who speak on behalf of the people, the voice of the voiceless, I'm not essential, but some clown is a Trader Joe's and I think not, I think not sir, sir, I think not ma'am, non-binary Trader Joe's employee, I don't believe that you are essential

and I think we just, there was a little chip on the shoulder and I'm not, I am not blind to the sacrifices that a lot of those people have made but what I am saying is that there needs to be a standard of quality delivered in every interaction, no matter what, in the midst of rioting, in the midst of looting, in the midst of a pandemic, in the midst of an economic collapse, in the midst of a political crisis, in the midst of a crisis in confidence in government, in the midst of an escalation of a cold war, hopefully not a hot war with China, in the midst of all of those things, I still fucking think you get off your fat ass and you show someone where the eardrops are, that's what I think and if you don't do that, you don't get

vaccinated. We made a sketch for TBS this week that is so ridiculous, so embarrassing and we did it because we are actually daring them to put it on television. I cannot believe we made the sketch we made, we have all the footage right, we're gonna cut together the sketch, we give all them the raw footage and they cut it together, the last sketch we gave them, they completely butchered it and they removed all contacts and it didn't make any sense, if you'd seen the last sketch with me and Devin, we're sitting at a table, it's obviously two guys that are having dinner with everything else going on, we're looking at our phones, you hear screams and everything, they took all that part out, it took the context out,

you didn't realize we were at a restaurant, the whole thing was crazy. Again, the editors at TBS were drawing a salary somehow to edit content but the new sketch we gave them is so patently ridiculous, so absurd, truly it shows how little respect we have for the entire show, the entire institution of television, specifically basic cable but I mean it is so, I mean it is almost, the idea of it being on TV just makes me laugh, I mean have we ever made anything that crazy? It was like Freddy got fingered but like made less sense, it doesn't make any sense, somehow imagine if they like make it make sense somehow, every every sketch we've given them has made sense and they've made it not make sense by their editing decisions and you could vote for

vote for us at what, tournament laughs or whatever, I mean I don't know, let me give the link out now if you want to vote and by the way I don't care what you do, I don't care if you vote or not, I just want to watch Chipsies get married over and over again and get the Postmates orders I order on time, that's really all I want to do until I die and the way things are going is probably all I will do, who's left in the contest, do we even know? Who do we got left? So we're, we don't know if we're in round three or no we are in round three right? So that's the elite eight, I don't know if we're allowed to say that, that we're in round three. We didn't say it, what are they gonna do? Suez kicks off the show, thanks, they send me a promo

the other day to put up and I go I'm not in the promo, they go well everybody in the show is not in the promo, I'm like well why am I sharing it if I'm not in it, my fans are gonna think I'm sharing another fucking show that they don't want to watch if I'm not in it, how fucking dense are you people? How have these people made money? Soon they won't, soon I think this industry is gonna take a big haircut and a lot of people that previously had jobs and it will not have jobs and very few of them should currently have jobs but we don't know who's left, how do they vote for us? At the TBS tournament of laughs website, if you type in tournament of laughs in a Google it'll take you on the first link. If you go to the TBS tournament of laughs website

TBS.com's and then shows tournament of laughs they will allow you to vote for me and Ben to continue advancing in their contest and I mean so when is the sketch that we made, I mean this abomination, it is funny but it's like an abomination. So that's if we make it to round four, round three sketches airing Sunday I think. So round three sketch will air Sunday which is what, that we can't say. Like we can't say. Alright you've seen it before, you've seen it before. Round four of tournament of laughs is the abomination, if it happens and if it doesn't happen we will release the abomination on the show, we're going to put all the footage out of what we filmed and then I guess you will all see why it did not make it on TV but it might, we might win and then

they have to figure out something to do with it. Why we're sending it in like this so great is that we want them to stare at this and be puzzled and not understand what's happening and then have to somehow edit it into something that can make sense on television which I mean of all the things we've made this is like by far the most ridiculous. Yeah in round five if we make it to round five you think we should do something even weirder? If we make it to round five this is the plan for the rest of the show, we're just going to do things that are so insane and so absurd and they're going to make less and less sense that like I think what's the final round? I think round six so round six is the final round, if round five or six whatever it is the final round I think it

should just be like me sitting on in a bathtub eating my own shit and then just like Ben like screaming in another language off camera and then like we submit this and when they call us to go we're just having a problem I go what do you mean like sitting in a bathtub smeared with my own shit fake shit and then just eating like fake shit and then Ben like in another language and like like five like three minutes up I think it has to be like a five minutes no be five minutes to that and there's got like just screaming like Indian death chance or you know like Tibetan whatever prayer you know and then I'm just like eating my own shit and then I just stand up and I go like like we we want to make something that is so disrespectful that we'll never work in this

business again because we're bored I'm bored so we just want to we just want to get a call from the executives at TBS now the problem is the dumbest thing we make the executives probably call us up and go this is great this is actually great shit tub on TBS and they're like we love the idea of you sitting in a tub eating your own shit can you do this could you do this every week can like diverse other cast members sit and eat shit with you so that's the problem that's like the producers where they made that you know made that musical that ended up making a lot of money but that's the update god man thinking about getting out of LA don't know if I will or not but I mean the the thought always crosses my mind do I do I end up on the west coast of Florida

do I end up in Florida in some swamp I don't know Texas I like Texas a lot too you know New York has fallen uh people just call each other now they're like so ho has fallen oh my god they're like Tribeca is being occupied I'm like really but yeah I think I think I think the the journey to LA may be coming to an end you know I mean the clubs are closed there's nothing really to do um you know everybody makes fun of the tiktok kids but they really that's what LA is you're supposed to be 20 and good-looking and live in a house with a bunch of your friends and just fuck a bunch of people and make a lot of money and then by 30 it's all uh you know forgotten it's all like a dream that happened and then you just have some money and

you have a hot wife you have some kids you move down to Orange County and you get into Jesus and you go to mosaic the rocker church and you know just like Jesus keep letting me make all this money that's what the orange county church mosaic is Jesus please keep me rich and powerful help my swing help my golf swing my wife has new tits thank you lord and they're all they like dance around she'll just rich white people dancing around like some of them are playing guitars it's like you know Jesus is the first influencer type of church uh but that that's the LA life like that's the LA life and I'm never gonna have that life I'm never gonna be 20 and hot and living in a cool house and being cool and then moving to Orange County with my uh you know

fake titted wife and then get going to like mosaic church and jumping around and that's what that's what LA's supposed to be or california in general I just that's not going to be for me so but I could live a texas life like I could live that life I could certainly live a florida life those two states intrigue me I like them texas you don't have the state income tax um florida you don't have the state income tax either florida you do have floridians so that's a little bit of an issue you know do I join the gypsies do I join the Roma do I join a traveling group of people who I respect don't curse me I don't know these are these are all thoughts I never thought this you know I moved to LA about a year ago permanently and I got passed at the comedy

store about a year ago and then the entire world shut down and collapsed my entire business changed we've gone through like a decade of evolution in a few months everybody has become digital uh you know that's why the patreon's really cool because we can have a lot of fun on the patreon we get really wild on the patreon we're not worried about youtube yanking us off we're not worried about any of that uh we get pretty wild here too and we have fun on this show but like the patreon is a great I think that's just if you want entertainment if you want better entertainment you're just gonna have to find find it you're gonna have to seek it out you're not gonna get it networks aren't gonna give it to you you're just gonna have to seek it out it's probably

gonna be behind a paywall it's gonna have to be because i'm gonna be like the people that are on my patreon seek out my comedy so they're offended by something then it's their fault you know what i mean it's like it's like if i go into Gucci to try to get jeans and they're like we don't have a size 44 and i'm like what do you mean it's my fault you don't go to Gucci go to dxl the fat person store i went to the fat person's toy the other day and the guy's like do you have a work retail i was like no because i mentioned something about the fat store in Beverly Hills and clothes and he's like he's like we hated the people at the fat store in Beverly Hills they're like they used to send us all their rejacks like clothing wise yeah you know to this other fat store

like what am i gonna hear about this now i'm gonna hear about a few of fat stores this is the year 35 of my life this is the year 35 i get to stand here and have this guy talk to me about the feud he's having with the other fat store in Beverly Hills and i'm like well all the fat stores should stick together but they don't there's feuds there's all kinds of problems so what are you gonna do folks you gotta stay positive stay up stay positive that's what i do i just stay positive and what works for me is it working out is it eating well is it religion no i like gypsies i like watching them and learning about them that's what's doing it for me right now it's not fucking avocado toast and it's not a nine mile run but it is watching gypsies get married

in a field that is what makes me happy i suggest you watch that show my big fat greek no my big fat gypsy american wedding even though i want to watch the uk one as well because the uk one i think is very good uh too you know again i'm not i'm not throwing shade marry your cousin do what you want to do you know they they all seem to have a little bit of uh you know that they're that that's you know prevalent i think in the community is that they are they marry extended family and maybe you know and that's okay and i mean those dresses they're wild they're they're to me they make me they make me feel sick in a good way like when you first take shrooms yeah like i'm like sick to my stomach but in a happy way i don't know why

i'm like happy that that's happening you know i'm not knocking anybody but you because i am i'm afraid it'll curse me i'm truly i'm like literally terrified uh that they will curse me and i will end up uh overweight or something like that do not want that wouldn't be great if this is just a curse this whole covid was just a gypsy curse oh we're already cursed we're already cursed i don't know where should i live where should i go you're allowed to submit suggestions to me you know tell me where you think i should live where should i go where should we move this operation where should we go i don't know it's a good question maybe stay here maybe we'll stay in la

i'm trying to get maybe maybe they'll let me in maybe the hype house will let me in the sway house to tick tock houses i don't know it's just so it's that's when you should be like these 19 year old morons that are just driving around in teslas they have no idea they have no clue that's what la is about la is about having no clue it's a city you can really only enjoy if you don't have any clue and you're just like things go fast powder goes up nosy that's it penis goes in hole if you if you have any thoughts about anything you got to get out of here it's not a city of thoughts it's not a city of thoughts new york now it's hard to have a thought because as you're having it a bullet grazes your skull that is also a problem build the blasio

really destroying that city i mean and and by the way none of this none of this ignores the bungling of the corona the incompetence of government stealing not giving people money i mean everyone could call this they gave people 1200 dollars nobody's getting unemployment anymore in a few weeks that runs out people are on the verge of it you know i mean all of this everything my criticisms of like the blasio people again i always understand really the genesis of this issue which is that we have people just too fucking greedy in this country and they're unwilling to compromise at all and and allow people to live dignified lives which is what we need to do people can be rich people can own multiple homes people but you need to invest in an education

and and health care and have an infrastructure that allows people to live dignified lives if you rob them of their dignity and you destroy that and they're and they're and they're selling homes and going bankrupt because they get sick i mean it's it's in a moral system and both republicans and democrats have participated in that for a long time in a moral system that i said on twitter deserves to be burned down the system but when you start burning down like individual buildings one owned by like an indian woman who's like what what you know that's what she sounded like it's it's wrong and it doesn't help anything and then what happens then a few weeks later we have dhs agents running around grabbing people off the street because that i do you not know where we live

are you not are you unaware do you think these high school kids in portland that are now starting this youth liberation front of portland i mean do you really think those guys are going to be able to stand up against i mean the the true power of the state it just it's not going to happen and i don't understand why people think it's gonna happen or that or that we want to be ruled by high school students from portland is that i don't understand people just keep defending the displays of clear violence where you're like they're going up to people and and starting and intimidating people and saying like say black lives matter you got a group of people that are intimidating somebody you're trying to get them to say something you're under the threat of violence

what is that doing what causes that helping why are people defending that why is the media egging that on why is the media pretending that these two people who looked funny they looked buffoonish but walking out of their house with weapons and standing there whilst people walked by their home why is the media pretending that those two people are like terrorists when they literally just walked on to the front of their house with weapons i don't understand was it an overreaction potentially it's their home and it's their weapons why is the media you know and then i think the weapon was confiscated i think that guy's ak4 there ak47s were confiscated why are we cheering that on i don't understand why are we cheering on people's inability to defend themselves do you think the

people in the street are always going to agree with you do you believe that do you really believe that when you sleep at night in your bed when your head hits the pillow do you think that the people in the street are always going to have your back and that you would never need to defend yourself you think the government on the other side you think the government's always going to have your back you think any institution in america is going to have your back none of them truly every major institution in this country does not care about you and they will let you die fact so anybody ridiculing anybody's uh means of how they protect themselves or self-defense is crazy anybody ridiculing anybody uh you know it just makes no sense to me every major institution in this

country from the government to the media to the police everybody is not focused on your rights as a citizen they're all in some larger battle against something else some larger ideological war and you as a citizen as an individual don't matter and they'll let you die they'll let you die trust me on either side everywhere cops are gonna let you die to make a point about rising crime people in the street may kill you to make a point that they need to use violence to get what they want government may kill you just because that's what the government does the media may publish your address and have people dox you they may put out a false narrative about you that goes around the world before you're able to defend yourself you may lose your job you may lose your family you may

lose your career you may lose you the place you live in and the media will not give a fuck they'll move on but none of those institutions care about you as an individual what your rights are as a citizen it's true it's a fact your friends may care your family may care care about yourself but none of those institutions they're all corrupt all of them and none of them have any focus on your life as an individual and your family and your ability to work and live and and worship or whatever you want to do and so the idea is when you start ridiculing people who have the means to defend themselves from any of the above mentioned you know power factions when you start ridiculing those people i mean man you must have some faith you must have a lot of faith

in these systems i don't you must have a lot of faith if you're sitting there if you're a type of person who's not thought about even maybe getting a gun over the last three or four months good for you but also that's a lot of faith it's a lot of faith you know you know and if you're a person who thinks that the state cares about you or that trump cares about you or that trump gets the fuck about you right now and all he tweets is law and order as the cities burn and he tweets law and order you think that guy cares good for you but i would fucking you know it's time to start really understanding that like a lot of what we've been talking about for the last couple of years or a lot of what very smart people have been telling you was

going to happen is happening it's not a drill not a fire drill with the alarms pulled and everybody goes stands in a parking lot and everybody goes back this is not a drill this is the disintegration of society in front of your eyes and it will be probably the introduction into a dystopian surveillance state police state that we will live in and it might take us a few years of chaos to eventually arrive at that point which may be the plan but this is the beginning of that seeing writers leave newspapers and magazines is it doesn't mean anything to any of us but make no mistake it's the beginning it's the beginning of an Orwellian nightmarish control system that they're going to put in where you're ridiculed for speaking and you're

ridiculed for having the temerity to defend yourself or even brandishing a weapon and saying yeah i have the ability to defend myself the idea that that you would be uh ridiculed for that i mean you could be made fun of i tweeted the picture out i said when doordash i drew the picture i was like when doordash is fucking around they were standing there was funny you know but the idea that people are cheering on that they're the confiscating of their weapons which i believe were legally owned and the idea that people are cheering that on again it's just i don't know what you think is coming i really don't i'm unaware of what you think is coming because the adults in america have have like left it's really it's just the case i mean imagine a high school party

the adults are gone everybody is running fucking wild people are falling through tables there's broken glass people are trying to sweep things up there's fights breaking out people are trying to figure out who did what the kid who owns the house is odin in the bathtub he's throwing up people are trying to lift his head up nobody who knows who that kid even is everybody's trying to find him it's an absolute fucking nightmare you know you're kind of having fun because the party is still kind of fun you know the party's still kind of fun even though things are getting out of control quickly and then the cops come in and shut the party down i mean we're we're at that party we're at that party now okay and and the kid who owns the house is tweeting out law and order

as the house is burning and as the vases are smashing and as people that we don't know are just coming in the house and fucking your little sister and he's locked in the bathroom tweeting law and order it's not a good look and i don't know what comes next but i'll tell you where i'm gonna be with aroma