The Tim Dillon Show - 211: 211 - Snubbed

Episode Date: August 2, 2020

We play for you the sketches TBS refused to put on The Tournament of Laughs, talk the ongoing Ellen fiasco, and Tim expresses his deep respect for Godfather pizza chain owner Herman Cain. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: WALLETS - http://www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. UNDERWEAR - https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ and order with PROMO CODE Tim to get 20% off your Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show and thank you for joining us here on the broadcast First things first. We have a little housekeeping a matter of great import Earlier today. I was contacted by members of Dan Soder super PAC And they wanted to purchase an ad on this program to basically Get my fans and the fans of this program to vote for Ari Shafir as the president of Legion of Skanks and I thought about it and I was considering Doing it

But after some real soul searching About what is best not only for Legion of Skanks, but what is best for the country? I have decided Along with the Bryant family to endorse Louis J. Gomez for president of Legion of Skanks Go to skankthevote.com at Gmail and register before August 7th to cast a vote for Louis Gomez again. This is from Tim Dillon and the Bryant family That is their super PAC who paid for this ad so

Thank you so much. Now. We will start the program. Also, we will have a Hotline number later for you if you have been sexually assaulted at the Ellen DeGeneres program Which everyone that has ever worked there has apparently been gooseed in the dressing room at the Ellen DeGeneres What is going on at Ellen? She's out there dancing and in the back. It's a free-for-all Apparently it's the Marquis de Saade is running around the dressing room at Ellen terrifying The employees. I thought she was just a bitch That's what I thought. I know people that know her but apparently it's not that there's sexual deviance running around

And They're making people feel uncomfortable. They're sick get up how many people have been sexually assaulted at Ellen I won't stand for it. I won't Stand for this anymore Do I like the show more now that's the question Do I like it more now that I know that Ellen DeGeneres has been running a rape room in the back of her fun positive show I

Mean more trouble at the Ellen DeGeneres show former employees make sexual misconduct Alligation dozens dozens of former Ellen DeGeneres show employees Accused multiple executive producers of sexual misconduct harassment and assault Wow The generous apologize as an ongoing internal investigation into toxic worse workplace allegations revealed Deficiencies related to the show's day-to-day management Nearly a dozen former employees accused head writer and executive producer Kevin Lehman of sexual misconduct including groping making sexually explicit comments and

Behaving inappropriately at a company party. Well, it's a party While layman said he denied any kind of sexual impropriety multiple former employees accused executive producer Ed Glavin of being handsy with women and Leading the team by creating a culture of fear and intimidation though Glavin did not comment 36 former employees independently corroborated incidents of sexual misconduct 36 employees at Ellen The friendly show where the woman dances in China, they don't even call it they call it dancing lady in China

So 36 former employees at Dancing Lady Have been sexually assaulted and I'm not trying to make light of that although it is my job to and also I am but the point is I'm not making light of the sexual assault I'm making light of the fact that while it's going on Ellen is bringing out slots to make Kristen Bell giggle You expect that type of stuff at certain environments Fox News I don't even think there were 36 people at Fox News and Roger Ailes was just running around grabbing blondes and throwing them out of windows for months

That guy ran that place with an iron fist. I Mean Bill O'Reilly was just taking women's head and holding them in fish tanks and you still didn't get to 36 women Bill O'Reilly paid like 38 million dollars to somebody God only knows what that guy did What did you do to someone to pay him 38 million kill them? I? Mean that's the type of settlement you get when you murder somebody And still I don't believe and I could be wrong, but I don't believe they had 36. I Mean it's wild and you know they complain to Ellen about it They were like, you know Kevin got a little handsy or Ed got a little handsy with me

And you know she just looked at them with that stone face because she's in the CIA and she's an asset Who is the go Jorge? Composts or a rim or a compost. I do this all the time Jorge Ramos a guy at Univision Composts the only guy to meet Steven Paddock goes and is interviewed on Ellen It's a little weird Couple that which you sit next to George W. Bush and they're yuck it up yuck it it up about all their fun days at Abu Ghraib and She's you know, there's all kinds of emails that came out where you know, Hillary Clinton's on the show promoting You know, whatever war did she wants to have on a Wednesday afternoon and Ellen goes come on in

I'll work you in between the dance and the Kristen Bell slot that you can tell us why we got a bomb Syria hell Come on in come on down and in the back. We're gonna have women running for their lives That's why Hillary looks so comfortable on the show because behind the scenes you could hear the screams of women being muffled Oh That's why you got a dance and they turn the music up so you don't hear That's the official side official side of the elder generous show You know Ellen looked at them with that stone cold wolf like face she has and She was like fucking dance and the girls like what and Ellen goes dance and they had to go

It was Ellen was a trailblazer she came out Runner ABC sitcom, which also sucked, but she came out and that was good I applaud that and then she joined the CIA that I don't live and Then she did a show where she danced engaged in inane meaningless horse shit Conversation and behind the scenes people were being chased around with hammers. So it's been she's gone quite full circle She did suffer a lot of discrimination When she came out of the closet and apparently that sat with her and she said what if we just You know, we just set up a daytime talk show and in the in the background. We'll have a Abu Ghraib

It's a regular Abu Ghraib in the Ellen DeGeneres dressing room. You got dogs people naked stacked together Get up Abu Ghraib photos right now. This is what's going on in Ellen This is what's going on in the back of Ellen Abu Ghraib torture hit image Bring bring that up. This is These are the segment producers at Ellen If you're a segment producer at Ellen, this is how it works out for you And then your parents call you and they're real proud of your big LA job

And you go, yeah, mom There they are go back go get the guy with the they're electrocuting the guy. Look at this. Yeah, this by the way Yeah, that's the an intern at Ellen that came in late That's an intern at Ellen that was got stuck in traffic on a 405 And you know Ellen walks by that and says nothing She walks by it and says nothing because she's got to go sit in a chair and do a jig with Dick Cheney Henry Kissinger is coming on they're gonna do the Charleston What's going on over there? I want to know

Henry Kissinger is coming on they're gonna do the Charleston What's going on over there? I want answers God darn it She's never had me on What a fun interview let's practice The interview you be Ellen we come out we dance we sit right down Hey, thanks for doing the show. Hey, how are you? There's like three people being raped in the back. You know about that No, I have no idea Hoof. All right. Anyway, so I have a podcast of the Tim Dillon show

So I want to get into this too. I want to get into this because this is a show with a lot of serious matters I don't want to kid around anymore You can get this off by the way, can you imagine by the way? Hey QAnon, where were you? Did you care? Did anyone care about this? Did anyone care about this when we brutally tortured people? Many of them were innocent Did that bother anyone? By the way, that's not a conspiracy theory. That's the United States government, by the way That's the United States government designed by top down by Cheney Rumsfeld the whole crew In league with psychologist Mitchell and Jesson We took people many of them off off we grabbed them off a battlefield

Maybe they were terrorists. Maybe they weren't maybe they were confused kids And then we sent them the black side shipped them all over the world and tortured them so again Again, that's not Chrissy Teigen doing that. That's your government Okay, I want to talk about the TBS tournament laughs because we are no longer on the show and we were robbed and I love Jim Norton And I respect him and I hope he wins. He's going up against Pitha Magic Dragon. What an honor And here's the reality. We got to the final four and we were let go It hurts me. What's your dream out there? Do you have one? Because my dream was to win the tournament of laughs on TBS

When I got into comedy, when I first started doing it in a coffee house, there was also a tattoo parlor in Long Island, New York Okay, where people would go in with like tattoos of fucking some ex-girlfriend and they had to get them made into something patriotic You know? Can you, yeah, her name's Carrie. Can you cover that up and put Blue Lives Matter? Please And I started there and when I started there, I dreamed that one day there'd be a pandemic. I prayed I said, hopefully a decade in a comedy right as I'm starting to sell tickets, there'll be a pandemic. It'll shut down the whole operation None of us will be able to leave our homes. We'll only be able to upgrade lo-fi sketches

And we'll have to come and not just to enjoy them to compete with each other. That's what matters. Comics competing with each other during a pandemic Not to raise money for anything, just to do it So I dreamed of this and it was my life's work. I fought and I worked and I said to myself If we do the right things and if China leaks a bio weapon that the U.S. and China probably invented together How great is it going to be when we find out the only time that we ever got along with China is when we created coronavirus Because that book's coming out in five years Coronavirus was created at some U.S. joint China thing. I guarantee you we're involved with China And there's definitely a photo of us and China eating ramen with a bat

And we said, look at this mother fuck, we're just having fun It was some weird convention for bio research DARPA fucks And they created and cooked up this thing. I guarantee it. It's coming out in a few years. That book, by the way And I said, hopefully that happens because I want to be in a position where I can compete Tournamental laughs. So we made it to the finals. We didn't think we were going to make it there. The competition was fierce I mean fierce. These other comics were, you know, on drugs, in homeless shelters, uploading videos on their iPhones We didn't think we could beat them. How could we know that we were going to be able to beat them, you know I don't know. We went up against Fortune, Fiendster won. I don't know what happened. I don't know what her video was. She was stuck in a revolving door

I don't know. It's not my fault. It's not my problem. I respect her. The point is this. We won. We persevered Okay And then we got to the finals to do battle with Norton and whatever piff the magic dragon is and he's one America's got talent or something I don't know. Good for him. I should dress up like a magic dragon Now You know what I was thinking by the way the other you know David Dobrik it goes around and gives people and the face clan and face Rock whoever these people are Phase COVID whoever they are they give people the Lamborghinis. I said to myself what if I went around and instead of giving it giving people a Lamborghini

I give them like a Stern talking to Like instead of when somebody's working at Starbucks instead of showing up with a Lamborghini I show up and I drag him outside and they're getting really excited like what am I gonna get and I go what are you doing? What are you doing with your life? Let's talk Why do they cry when they get the car by the way? I know I've brought this up. Why do you cry? Now you got to go to lamp you got a Starbucks with a Lamborghini and everybody hates you your life is still shitty

You can just get to the horrible job faster. Thank you for getting me this car that's gonna get stolen and smashed And so I can race to my job that I hate faster Thank you so much. I'm crying. Thank you for this Lamborghini that a company gave you to give me. Thank you Tim Dylan doesn't do that. I show up with a Chris Hedges book America the farewell tour and I say there you go No price on knowledge. How about that? I think that's a good show What if I follow David Dobrik around and I give him beaters like old cars that people have died in Where there's like blood and yeah God's what if I give David Dobrik cars police cars that were burned in the riots

Just to He looks like a chipmunk you want to eat his face That's why so goddamn successful Everyone I insult on the show I want to be by the way Alan David Dobrik the Mossad So we get So we get to the finals of tournament laughs, which is literally the only thing we've we've ever really Tried for I mean hard Hard we tried. Yeah, we made it past levels and

Layers and yes, you're telling me Tim. You never told anyone to vote you barely posted a link You didn't know when the show was on the website kept crashing You know your aunt who supports everything you do referred to the show as a total embarrassment It was my aunt said it was so bad it was literally confusing She didn't know it was a show, you know That's good But I I loved it. I love being a part of it I love having the honor of being because I've loved TBS get up the shows TBS is done get get up what TBS is done now

You're lucky your ass got edited on that channel get up with TBS is done to Samantha B. Show Thank you very much the best political satire that's ever been made. Why cuz she's yelling and it's about Trump That's what she does Trump Uh, yeah Yes, I was happy to be on a network that had Angie Tribeca Yes Pull up Angie Tribeca, please

It's an American comedy television series Tribeca leads a squad of LAPD detectives who investigate the most serious cases from the murder of a ventriloquist to the rash of Baker suicides Angie works best alone The only problem shows a new partner J The squad also includes a pop a pop plectic captain Chet Atkins quirky The speckled medical examiner dr. Monica Sholes and detective DJ Tanner. This was my favorite show Okay What else have they done up there

They just buy shows from other places. What about miracle workers? Fuck yeah, bring up miracle workers on TBS. This is what Daniel Radcliffe was in miracle workers on TBS Man Frustrated with the current state of earth God is pretty much giving up to focus on petty hobbies They can yet might be near to determine angels try to change his mind Craig and Eliza low-level angels responsible for handing handling all of humanity's prayers must convince their boss to save humanity and answer their most impossible prayer yet Help two humans Laura and Sam fall in love The seven episode limited series based on Simon Rich's book

Turns a perception of heaven upside down Do you people understand what an honor it was To be on this network that had shows like Samantha be yells about Trump and you try back and whatever the hell this was With Daniel Radcliffe and Steve Buscemi were on it And Lorne Michaels produced it boo boo boo. Good. It's great Anyway, I've no beef with Lorne Michaels. By the way, I'm available. Email me. I'll delete this whole show I'll delete I will delete this whole show sir if you get behind my career. I'll act like it never happened I'll act like it never happened. I'll walk into the green room of Ellen and just throw hot acid in those fucking bitches faces

I will if Ellen comes back I will be the person who sprays mace at the Segment producers if they get Mouthy So we've already established TBS is a phenomenal channel We were lucky to be on it. Okay Lucky and We got to the finals and then we said let's let's kick it up Let's kick it up a little bit. Let's not do the normal what we're doing

You know how we usually work together and just it's me and him we hired a crow we hired lights We had producers we had we had about a crew of eight people to do these sketches literally that I spent I spent $30,000 Producing each one of these sketches, which I will show for you right now. They're not yet. Not yet. I don't mean right now I mean broadcast right now in 38 minutes. I'm kidding. It's coming soon, but I want to set the stage I spent $30,000 of Whitney Cummings money Buying Producers editors writers

We had the best team. I mean these people they had been behind the best shows Angie Tribeca The big guy Samantha B yells about Trump All the good shows we hired the best people Okay DPs and line producers you people don't know you're not in a biz But we got everybody We got everybody we got the guys who made the videos of Abu Ghraib of them raping people Which Seymour Hirsch said they have and then the CIA destroyed we got those guys to do the videography

They were the same people at Epstein's Island We got those people the people that installed the blackmail equipment in Little St. James came and they helped us make these videos Because they understand how to when something is high stakes they get it They get it. So that's what we got. We spent a lot of money. Yes. Was it morally questionable? Sure But we wanted to win because this was my dream We poured our heart and soul into it. We took a week to write A week then came over we stayed one week. We didn't sleep. We used drugs Adderall

Cocaine whatever We were huffing household cleaner Anything to write these sketches we were tripping mushrooms LSD ayahuasca We were wandering around the desert ours our third eye was open We were talking to God and the aliens Everything that we could do to enrich ourselves so that the other that our bodies and minds would be used as vessels And that those vessels would be able to deliver a message from another world Maybe to the people of earth that the highest level of art art in the sense of the priest and the shaman

That's what we were doing. We wanted to have a religious experience these sketches We put more work into these sketches Than anything and they refused to air them on television They refused to air them on television And I literally do not understand why these are the most intelligent Sketches they are smart they are sharp and they show that we not only took this show seriously But we have respect for the craft of comedy and for the great network of TBS who brought you great shows Like Samantha B yells about the president of the United States for 28 minutes

And then Angie Tribeca Which I've never seen don't don't start messaging me Angie, Angie Tribeca is not even that bad If somebody out there right now is like oh you're shitting on Angie Tribeca You better understand Angie Tribeca was kind of I've never watched it We're gonna play the first sketch now This sketch

Took four days to shoot How many to edit three three or four yeah In an editing room you had three editors working with you Day and night day and night And they refused to put this on television on the TBS network So now we're gonna show you this sketch which literally I've never worked harder at anything Than I have doing this and I submitted it to the TBS network And they did not air it on television and I want to know why

And maybe some of you could let me know Because when you see this you're gonna see how hard we fucking worked Hey look at this guy over here Yeah my name is Frank Fauci I'm Tony Fauci's son In Italy what we do is we go right in the bath like this We're going to the bath In Italy I'm going to Italy You gotta go to Italy

In Italy we go right to the bath Forget about it don't be stupid Forget about it Oh yeah forget about it Hey my father gonna figure it out My name is Frank Fauci The Fauci family name I have a lot of pride in that Don't be stupid forget about it this coronavirus

Hey look at this guy over here Oh yeah my name is Frank Fauci I'm Tony Fauci's son He's the fucking doctor Tony Fauci's the doctor Forget about it hey Hey coronavirus forget about it right What are you gonna do What are you gonna do my father Tony Fauci The country's in good hands daddy gonna handle it

Come on down daddy gonna handle it He gonna get everybody vaccinated come on Don't worry about nothing forget about it hey Hey come on Tony Fauci When I was growing up my father used to say to me He used to say hey little Frankie You better be you better get your vaccine I make him a favorite drink like this

I put the water from the sink like a dot Like a dot okay And then I put it in here like this forget about it I take it through the brush I stir it like that Forget about it Tony Fauci's son Frank Fauci Hey look at this guy here look over here now Look at this guy yeah he likes it Oh forget about it forget about it forget about it

It is an insult to me and to you and to the time we spent on that That that was not aired on television truly And if the the CEO of that company and the producers of that show Do not recognize that for what it is And I don't want to I don't want to be a part of it If you do not recognize that sketch And if you don't see the hours that we put into that If you can't tell the manpower

If you don't understand the team of people that we assembled To put something like that together Because we respect the show and the network If you don't get it I am I wrong here When I say that when you watch that sketch You think to yourself how in God's name did they do it with only 30 grand? How did they come up with this?

We're doing Game of Thrones level shit here On you know champagne taste on a beer budget I mean Now that sketch I was Frank Dr. Fauci's son Frank Fauci And that was written and rewritten And we had a team of writers kind of coming up with those lines And yes there was a lot of repetition of the forget about yes yes there was But it was driving a point home

Okay But the natural state of chaos it is the world And that you have to quite literally forget about it Which I thought was a pretty good message to deliver to TBS The cowards The cowards of TBS Did not want to put that on the air And to me

Little upset Little upset at the producer that we worked with who lived In a small shanty by the 405 who we used to FaceTime with She lived literally her balcony was in lane 2 of the 405 And every time I had to FaceTime with her I'd go are you okay? Um I'm a little upset that she didn't fight harder to get that on the air I'm a little upset at my friend Maureen who decided to

To Greenlight the show and then moved to Canada to go move to an igloo for seven months And abandoned us while abandoned the artists What about the artists? Okay we don't deserve this The people working on Ellen yes they deserve what they got that's different We're gonna show the second sketch now the second sketch was even Harder The degree of difficulty have you ever watched the Olympics?

You ever watched the summer Olympics? Me and my father used to like the winter Olympics because the speed skaters had fun names like Hey Chavo Now and it wasn't racist we like to say them Hey Chavo And we'd eat ice cream pints of Haagen-Dazs and watch the winter Olympics People would fall and whatever and you know then the skier had a fun name peekaboo street She was a white chick and then there were other good names too I forget We always liked watching the Russian gymnast because you know we knew that there were stakes

And when they you know when they when they didn't stick that landing in gymnastics They went back to Russia and they were literally the shame of the nation You know and then their their families would be assassinated and we felt like that We liked that you know and When I would watch the Olympics you would you would you would see those gymnasts and they'd have to stick the landing You'd have to stick it you couldn't step back you could have to stick that landing you couldn't stumble and fall And I feel like with this next sketch we stuck the fucking landing We did a brilliant sketch that was complex that was layered that multiple meanings

We had a lot going on in the sketch And if you know us that's not what we usually do usually do like a minute or two fun topical thing This was a real narrative piece That we put together that the cowards At TBS refused to air Thereby robbing us of our rightful victory and our place in the I imagine the television hall of fame I don't know but I'm just guessing that that's where we would have ended up So without further ado, I'm going to play you maybe the greatest piece of art that me or Benjamin will ever produce in our lives

And again the cowards at TBS would not let you see this but we will right here on the Tim Dillon show I just came home right and look at this lady's going through my mail Who are you? Who are you? I'm the owner of this house So what? I'm a neighbor in the community and I go around and I read people's mail to help them Who do you think you are? What are you crazy?

You go back to your own country you British bastard You goddamn limey Brit You go back to your own country You've gone full mental I'm not mental you're mental We beat you in the civil war We beat Britain in the civil war Is that your dog?

Yeah I'm going to kill your dog Oh my god I'm going to kill your dog you stupid fuck Oh Christ Now you said the Australian You stupid What's going on?

I'm a white woman I'm a white woman And I'm in charge of the country I'm president of my own cunt I'm president of my own cunt I'm going to party in your house I'm having I'm having a party

I'll kill you Get out of here You want to have sex with me? No I'll have sex with you I'm having a party Get out of here No you're not

You want my dick? I'm having a party I'm having a point Turn him into laughs Kiss my ass Turn him into laughs Kiss my ass Turn him into laughs

Kiss my ass Get out Attack You're Monroe Sick of him You're Monroe You piece I know you get out of here

Turn him into laughs Kiss my ass How about that? I mean the proof is in the pudding The proof is in the pudding To not put that on the air To deny the effort That went into that to me is criminal

Completely criminal And I am little disappointed Little disappointed How many times have I said on this program to buy gold? Countless I've never said that But it's only because I don't always want to give away the secrets The tricks of the trade

Something about owning gold bullion You know? It's not like this fake paper currency Something real you could hold on to it So the Epstein docs just dropped by the way They've declassified some documents I mean Alan Dershowitz is such a fucking pedophile You kind of have to respect how hard in the paint he's going

He's literally trolling at this point Like he's clearly guilty of like everything I think he was running the ring by the way I think Jeff Finch's Lane were like instrumental But it seems like Alan Dershowitz was like literally doing everything He's like written articles where he's like let's lower the age of consent It's like that's not a great article to surface If you're literally being accused

Incredibly accused of like raping children on an island I love this Alan Dershowitz defends op-ed Suggesting that age of consent for a section be lowered It's great Alan Dershowitz the outspoken controversial Harvard law Meredith's professor is defending himself on Twitter after an op-ed resurfaced In which he suggested the age of consent for statutory rape cases should be lowered In a 97 op-ed in the LA Times suggesting that 15 was a reasonable age of consent

Oh boy No matter how old the partner was Whoa Wow Keep it in your pants Dersh What a sick fuck I mean God Statutory rape is an outdated concept Alan Dershowitz

Now go to the documents that just came out Which people's name you know Bill Clinton is named in them I had a little fun joke on Twitter I said you know Trump is about to ban TikTok So if you want to see 16 year old girls dancing you got to take a plane with Bill Clinton Which is probably true I love Bill Clinton was like speaking at John Lewis's memorial And he's like talking about the civil rights movement and he's like literally I mean go hide Is it anyone hide

I mean So Clinton is now named in these documents by a witness who says he was at the island He was at Little St. James with two young women from New York That is what People are saying about Bill Clinton Other people named of course Alan Dershowitz New Mexico governor Bill Richardson There's other people named Ron Burkle supermarket billionaire friends with Clinton

There's other people as well You know their names are kind of escaping me I think Matt Lauer maybe Oh really I think Matt at least said something about Matt Lauer Being named as well there's just some odd stuff floating around With that And these are the first set of documents that are going to be released

There are more documents that are coming out About this case And Yeah I mean everybody was really Just laying Maxwell obviously Was not only Recruiting these women she was abusing them as well And that is why you know when we had Whitney Webb on the program Whitney was like

Why is she not being charged with that much more serious offense So Governor Bill Richardson denies involvement in Epstein sex driving Imagine all of these people like they thought they were kind of going to get away with it And they almost did like they're almost all dead That's the other thing like you're going to see the line of demons that can trot it out for this They're almost dead They're literally Octogenarians they're 80 years old

They're almost dead They were almost I mean they should want to get COVID these people now They should want to get COVID RIP Herman Cain Godfather's Pizza You know Ray Combs showed me a fun thing Herman Cain of course died of coronavirus He didn't wear a mask Whatever you also had stage 4 cancer he was 74

We get it But you know coronavirus probably speeded it up But Herman Cain Godfather's Pizza which is like just the most I mean I'm racist and get Italians all the time because it's fun But like Godfather's Pizza is like We'll make your pizza you can't refuse You know because you're all criminals

And then they have they had some guy tweeted the Godfather's Pizza Mafia name generator get this up Godfather's Pizza your mob name By the way if you're ordering Godfather's Pizza I mean COVID is the best thing to happen to you So create your Godfather's Pizza mob name So Ben yours is Blue Eyes the Ant

Using your first and last initial initials Create your Godfather's Pizza mobster name Mine is Teflon Tony the Iceman What are you supposed to do with these names Do they call you that name when they open the door to your trailer To give you Godfather's Pizza Hey are you Richie the Clown

Just open the door to your trailer Hey we gotta meet lovers for Richie the Clown Is Muscles the Grocer there We got a Supreme Pizza for Muscles the Grocer How about Whitey the Wise Guy How about Fast Franky the Animal Is Hot Stuff the Snake there We have some wings made

At Godfather's Pizza But these people almost got away with it And they're all Bill Clinton looks pretty dead You know when you see him at the John Lewis Memorial He's gone vegan he can't fuck anymore He has a hard problem I mean that guy It's all coming apart

Imagine living long enough to see yourself become the hero in the 90s The progressive hero like Bill Clinton when I was growing up Him and Hillary were like progressive heroes And they had you know James Carville You know the rage and Cajun would be like He'd be like you know revving up The fucking war room and everybody You know like we got the real candidate

We got Bill and Hillary were going all the way And like you'd see them he'd be giving stump speeches And he was amazing at this you know He was amazing at this he'd be in fucking wherever That he'd fucking be you know in Oklahoma Or Iowa, Pennsylvania, Arkansas, Colorado Wherever he was you know he'd be at a diner Shaking somebody's hand or kissing a baby

Eating a piece of pie and he'd get up He'd be like I love you and I love you And you know this country and everybody would be so into it So imagine living through that Like being at the height of power You're being worshiped And then you live long enough To see yourself become

I mean it's the old quote right? You know You die a president or you live long enough to see yourself become a pedophile It's the old famous quote But think about the journey that that guy's had Everybody loved him And everybody got mad he got his dick sucked And now he thought that was bad

Now 30 years later He's opening the newspaper and they're like We know your fucking kids on the island He's like oh god He's like disgraced Beyond disgraced And him and Hillary won't go away Like they won't go away

They're just still there After Herman Cain's death you know Republicans All went on Facebook to make You know not This is my favorite thing that people do on Facebook Now they go this is not a political post I don't want anybody to fight me on this This is not a political post

But isn't it fair to say that Dr. Fauci created AIDS? That's my favorite thing people do on Facebook They go this is not a political I don't want to fight You know I don't want to fight This is not a political post I'm asking questions Can I ask a question

The question is and again it's not political It's not political Are the people who died from COVID pedophiles Not political I'm just asking Are we using COVID to get rid of pedophiles Just a question throwing it out there Please don't attack me this is Facebook

It's a reasonable question to ask And now I can tell that the Republicans are They're acting like they're gonna lose They're gonna lose And they should lose I mean Trump should lose this election Forget politics I mean this is not

The left is so fucking crazy that he may not They're running a corpse I mean they're mentally ill You know they're talking about like the gender identity Of the COVID bats, you know I mean it's a real It's a circus over there And you know how I feel about it all

But Trump's really not running on a great record here I mean he's not running on a great You know my friend's like he's kept us out of a lot of wars And it's like Yeah but also Not the civil war That's coming It's like he's kept us out of a lot of wars

And you just go to like Oh you know you should go to YouTube And you just hear These major American cities are on fire Not exactly It's not exactly the most This isn't the most peaceful time Here's why I know Republicans are getting sensitive

They always lose when they become bitches And if you're a conservative out there And you're in any position of power And I know some of you listen to this program Listen to me now You're acting When Herman Cain died And a lot of people on the left were like

Listen, he didn't wear a mask And now he's dead And they were You know whatever They're dancing on the guy's grave And you guys were like You guys were like I can't believe

That people would speak of the dead In the way that they are Whenever you become Like righteous indignation And let people dance On the graves of their political opponents It is all that you've given them They have nothing left

You've refused to give them health insurance The serfs should be allowed to mock the Lord who died Can you imagine you pull the turnips out all day And then you go back to your hovel With your family And then they go You know Lord The Lord was stricken

They found him in a bed with a whore What are you supposed to say like Don't speak of the Lord that way Eat your rabbit gruel And be grateful No, let them You don't give them retirement health care Everybody is going to dance on the graves

Of their political enemies It's kind of nice It's kind of nice that this country allows people It's kind of nice If Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies Republicans would be like She was a witch Jesus Christ killed her

And Jesus Christ wants her to be dead So that we can have a conservative on the court Who funds ICE Because Christ loves ICE Christ for ICE Christ likes those immigrants Getting ripped out of there That's what Jesus

If Jesus was alive today he'd be in ICE You'll all dance on the graves So stop the preening moralism That's when you're coming from the posture of losing Righteous indignation is what losers do When they're about to lose I cannot believe it I don't understand

What kind of gentleman would speak of the dead of the man You're going to lose now Here's how you beat them When they say Herman Cain is dead You say no he's not And you get his corpse And you sit him on Fox News And you fucking have Tucker Carlson put his hand by

And you puppet act You weekend at Bernie's Herman Cain's corpse If you want to win Do you want to win or yes? Yes or yes? Yes or yes do you want to win? Liberal say Herman died because he didn't wear a mask Say fuck you, Herman ain't dead

Prop him right up next to Sean Hannity And spray him down with formaldehyde Or Hannity can handle the smell And you sit Herman Cain there on Fox News And you move his mouth and you go I'm not dead, fuck you I'm still not wearing I don't know why I'm doing Ray Cump's voice

Listen to me And have Ray come to his voice Listen to me That's how you beat them You fight fire with fire Stop the righteous indignation Weekend at Bernie's Cain Have Trump bring him around to stump speeches

Have Trump bring Herman Cain's corpse around to events He should be the keynote speaker At the Republican National Convention The ghost of Herman Cain Get ghoulish Get ghoulish with it You said the liberals are ghoulish And yes they are

They get a little nuts with it They're like Herman Cain's dad and god And I fucking can't, you know They go nuts But you go more nuts and say Herman's not dead The spirit of Herman Cain is alive And you bring him out at the Republican National Convention

To give the keynote speech You bring his body out And yes it'll be uncomfortable And yes people aren't gonna like it But the ship's going down anyway folks So why not fucking fight fire with a little bit of fire It's true That's my idea

You refuse to let that man die His ideas must live You say Herman's ideas must live I don't know what they were He had some plan called the 999 plan about taxes And it was kind of like his pizza thing Everyone kind of ridiculed it But he's having fun

God bless him He's a black guy worth 100 million dollars He fucking kicked ass in life Herman Cain kicked ass in life And the people that are shitting on Herman Cain suck He kicked ass in life He's a black guy that suffered all kinds of discrimination And he made money the way you should in America

Killing fat people with a racist Italian restaurant I couldn't respect Herman Cain more And me suggesting that Trump trot his body around to get votes It seems like it is disrespectful But it's really not because I do like Herman Cain I would say do it to anyone Bader Ginsburg any of them Don't let any of them die

I don't care The 999 plan was a tax proposal That was the centerpiece of Herman Cain's 2012 campaign For the Republican Party's nomination for president of the United States It was introduced August 2011 The plan called for replacement of all current taxes Such as the payroll tax, cap gains tax and estate tax With a 9% personal income tax

9% federal sales tax and a 9% corporate tax By the way, sounds fine I'm for it RIP Herman Cain Ray Connure Butts Apple Sox They're involved with China They're going to kill your family

My point about these Epstein Fox Is they're somehow, they're so fucking old They can't really be punished anymore For anything they've done Get Bill Richardson's statement out They're going to blame it on this idiot They're going to blame it all on Bill Richardson Billie Eilish's new song

Where she's hopeful about the future I listen a little bit of that God love her I hope she comes on the program No hate to Billie Eilish It's listen, hey It's not really for me I bet I'm not for her

She's doing a lot better than I am in this business And she always will Tina Turner had real Gravel in the voice Because she had blood in her throat The authenticity, you know Everybody under 25 has anxiety Shut up, you don't

If you're under 25 And you have millions of dollars You're no longer allowed to have anxiety You're no longer allowed Call it something else You can't have anxiety If you're 25 and you got millions of dollars Well Tim, that's not fair

Mental health is complex Shut up Herman Cain's corpse is coming These allegations Why did TBS not put those sketches on you? Are they out of their fucking minds? These allegations and inferences are completely false Governor Richardson has never even been contacted By any party regarding this lawsuit

To be clear, Governor Richardson gets it in He gets his dick wet But it's always with people that are of age And if some of them are in of age He doesn't know that Everybody looks kind of the same Governor Richardson has never been to Mr. Epstein's Residence in the Virgin Islands

Although he loves his ranch in New Mexico Where he's from Governor Richardson loves that ranch And they love to eat tamales and hunt children Kidding Governor Richardson has never met Mrs. Goofrey Virginia Goofrey In other news

And this is all I'll kind of be saying about this You know When the comedy store in Los Angeles opens back up I will be doing all of the spots So from when do the shows run? From 8 to 2 a.m. I will be doing all of the spots At the comedy store in LA

When they reopen I mean, you know I gotta get the reps in I gotta get the time in I gotta get the stage time in Vote for Lewis Gomez My good friend Lewis I love

Lewis is one of those people who I truly like more and more All the time And I start out liking him a lot Because he sees the world for what it is I appreciate that Follow Rick Kump on Twitter He's got the best Twitter out there right now

It's better than mine I just have more followers Because I make stuff Videos and everything But in terms of actual raw tweets I mean, Rick Kump's Twitter is absolutely insane I mean, when he hits He hits very, very hard

He's got 12.6 thousand Followers But go to my Instagram Because I have some of his amazing tweets On my Instagram Ray will of course be back on the program soon On our Patreon And then he'll

We'll have him on the regular episode too My dad just blurted out in the middle of dinner What's your gender binary So I just grabbed him And pulled him across the table And started hitting him on the temple With a soul shaker screaming You entitled white fuck

Don't you embarrass me at this Olive Garden You keep going Our grandparents spent their 20s Cowering in Europe Using World War II As an excuse to avoid the responsibilities of adulthood While our generation is left to shudder The burden

A shoulder the burden Of running countless new satire blogs Which nobody asked for And nobody thinks they're funny My roommate has been holed up in her room all day Leaving threatening voicemails For her ex-boyfriend's children Now she's blasting Gilmore girls at max volume

And hysterically crying I just want her to go to sleep So I can eat her meatball sandwich Republicans People need to take personal responsibility Also Republicans Buy this gun for your baby, you fucking deadbeat More Republicans

Oh my God, that baby has a gun Shoot it in the spine Democrats, we're gonna give poor people a pencil And this one is my new favorite My mom locked herself in the bathroom crying Because I kept showing her photo shops I made of Epstein and the Pope Now I'm threatening to kill myself

If she doesn't come out This is what speaking truth to power looks like At Ray Komp on Twitter, R-A-Y-K-U-M-P I mean just tweeting from, I mean a hole somewhere He's living in the hole that we found Saddam Hussein is Go follow my Instagram at Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N Go retweet the video we did about the TikTok kids That was a lot of fun

We made the video, one of my friend's son Casted all of the kids in the video I don't really know anybody in their teens And all the comedians that do I can't really talk to you anymore Now we're kidding, this is a comedy show And we're doing funny things About things that aren't funny

Now, so these kids were great Can we play that on the show? Let's play this, this is a fun one here Here's what we're satirizing by the way If you don't know this There's a guy that runs around in LA He's been taken over by these TikTok kids And I live up the block from this steakhouse

Called Boa And the food at Boa is atrocious I'm from New York, perhaps you've heard of it And we do steak very well So does Texas, LA doesn't LA doesn't do much well except like Pokey bowls and sushi and breakfast Beverly Hills hotel, nice pancakes

Scrambled eggs, lox, whatever And Mexican food, right? And Vietnamese, like, you know Jatladas, Thai, they do great Thai But they don't do Greek well Not Italian other than Nancy Silverton's Austria-Mozza, best restaurant in LA in my opinion They don't really do Italian that well

Greek, Italian, seafood, steak Remain East Coast It's just what it is I don't know about Indian food It's not for me I know that it's great I've had it and I've enjoyed it a few times But I just don't eat it regularly

I don't need a new food to like, you know There's some foods where I'm like Let me not, let me not get really into another food But these kids, and they're tiny They're tiny, they're like children And they run around the steakhouse With like bedazzled jackets on And they dress like hype beasts and everything

And grown-ups, paparazzi Have to stand outside and ask them About their lives, like, hey man Or, hey Griffin, you broke up with Dixie Or whatever, and these kids are like And you know these kids are your kids You have no idea what's going on They were going like this

Two years ago, now they're millionaires They're living in LA, they're being followed And by the way, it ends, kids, it ends So get that money while you can Because it ends, okay? But as of right now, they're living the dream They're fucking each other They're in this big house in the hills

Their parents are probably out of work Their parents are probably shot The kids are like supporting their families And again, just from this And I mean, can you imagine when they grew up They're like, what were you doing during the pandemic? Grandpa, what were you doing during the pandemic? Well, I was dancing in the Hollywood Hills

For millions of dollars An energy drink company gave me five million dollars But wasn't there, wasn't everyone dying? Yes, but I was dancing I was dancing and making money So these TikTok kids are just Running Los Angeles right now And there are guys, you probably came to LA

To be like filmmakers, you know, life's a horror And instead, or even be like Paparazzi, like Sandra Bullock Like people that have done things Let me follow around Sophia Vergara Somebody who's done something Now they gotta follow these 16-year-old kids In the Starbucks while these kids come out

And they're like, hi And he's like, hey, what's going on with you? And they're like, nada, nada I'm just like, I'm just like, here So we made this video, Satorizing This Guy And I hope this gets to him Because I respect him, I respect anyone's hustle And I don't want anyone to get hurt

But let me just say what would be funny I always worry when I say this I always worry when I say things like this Would it be funny? I don't want any of the kids getting hurt But would it be funny if this guy blew his head off In front of all of them? Like one day he just had enough

And they really didn't want to answer his questions And he's like, hey, Charlie D'Amelio What do you think about it? And she's like, I don't really have time And he goes, you don't? Look at me for the rest of your life Why do you remember this? I'm at the Greenfield from NYU

And then just these kids wouldn't care You know what they do, they go Would it be funny to just his brain matter Splatters on like their high-pieced sweatshirts And by the way, that's not shade on him They say shade, shade is a new word And it's an old word shade, really But I've just gotten into it

And now it's Trump, it's a new word But it's really... See, everyone thinks Trump imitation is that hard They're actually not that hard Like if anyone practiced or kind of... J.L. Colvann has the best Trump imitation ever It's fucking hilarious So we made this video

You can watch it Do you think Ryan should be canceled For dressing up like a Japanese person? I'm not really into cancel culture Ah, alright, alright What do you gotta say to the fans? What's going on? What are you working on right now?

Lots of stuff I can't talk about Can I get a picture? Yeah, of course Yeah, that's right I don't know, Ryan dressed up there Like a geisha in seventh grade That was very insensitive Hey Madison, what's up ladies?

Guess who? Yes, you're Madison You're never going to guess What I have in my possession right now What do you have? I have your report card from last year You failed chemistry That class was hard

Your mother paid for a tutor Talk to me, man What's going on? What's up, man? What are you doing, man? Dude, what's next for you? That's what everybody wants to know It's like, what's next for you?

I really want to become an actor An actor? Yeah, man So what type of acting are you trying to do? Uh, like, you know, like acting like Where you're like talking Yeah, yeah, I feel that, man I feel that

Yo, Gio, what's up, fam? What up? What's up? What's going on with you and Ashley, bro? I mean, you know, I can't really speak on that right now I'm just focused on the music Yeah, what kind of music are you going to put out? Uh, it's like, it's that new shit

Yeah, like what? Like, Lil Dicky meets Enya? Fuck yeah, man Yeah Are you okay to drive? Yeah, I'm good All right, fam All right

You sure you're good, bro? I'm good Look at a recorder mid-tik-tok So what's going on? You think we're going to war with China? Stop following our me and my friends You're literally like 50 years old Please get out

Leave, go, go All right Go! Yeah, man, so you took a trip back home What was that like? Yeah, it wasn't good, man My mom just passed away to COVID Oh, man, that doesn't slap

No, it doesn't No RIP mom, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's right RIP mom Yeah That kid was great That kid did it in one take

Like Jay-Z just got in the booth One take That was fun, though We did that video about the tiktok I thought some of the tiktok kids would share it, but of course We're still below them They're living on a cloud They don't even want to know people like me exist

And by the way, I don't blame them And it's also comedy is not for good-looking people That where things are going well Not my comedy, you know? Not any comedy I've ever respected It's like comedy needs to be for people who like My comedy needs to be for people who are like Currently on fire

Like that's who my comedy is for It's not for like a kid who just got $8,000 To wear a sweatshirt for a minute in a video It's for people who are literally Their leg is being amputated as we speak And not even in a hospital By like another member of Antifa Who's like, fuck the cops

Got, you know, I don't know Jasmine's leg I don't know what the Antifa names are It's not Jasmine, but whatever Fern What if Antifa, a general was named Fern? Yeah Antifa needs a head

They're too random You need someone to negotiate You need to be like a fat, non-binary purple hair Like you need like a Like a Dick Tracy villain To be the head of Antifa So you can negotiate with like Trump You can like threaten Trump

We're heading into like a comic graphic novel world So we need that I'm saddened, Freylin I'm saddened for the people that work at that program I'm saddened for the decay I'm saddened By the cowardice of the executives at TBS That would not allow what I consider

Two of the greatest pieces of art ever produced On the air Okay? Because apparently they didn't make sense And were literally insane And it was clear I didn't really care And I just submitted Nonsense of me playing with a bulldog

I mean, that's, that was their view Do you even see how they get that? I don't I don't TimDillonComedy.com No dates now or ever Kidding, hopefully we'll be out there eventually TimJayDillonDILL1 on Instagram

Go follow me on Instagram Go follow me on Twitter TimJayDillon Go follow RayKomp Go follow BenAvery What's your handle? Shut up Go follow

A lot of Oscar Go down the field Keep scrolling down the Instagram feed Let's find an old Let's find a really old Instagram photo Well that was when Oscar joined National Guard there Well Oscar Oscar is a very, I mean

He joined the National Guard Right as a protest were happening He's very suspect Right now he's Oscar is promoting that That Jamaican doctor who says it Does he just come from fucking demons in your sleep? Go old, I want older, go older

I want to see the old world I mean, I know that we're back into the old world right now But I'm like, wow Go up, go up, go up Go up Go up Go up Go to the left

No, no, no, down Down Go to the right Bring that up New host of Fighter and the Kid Good night everybody Hahahaha