The Tim Dillon Show - 215: 215 - Petty Little Pig

Episode Date: August 30, 2020

Live from a backyard in Montauk, Tim rants and raves as the wildlife and an annoying hedge fund neighbor cause problems. Tim talks the Rittenhouse situation, the ongoing New York City beef between Seinfeld and Altucher, and why Tim is rightfully a petty little pig. Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. There's gonna be some background noise here. He shut the fuck up about it We're doing a video episode for you pigs. You want it. You get it We're out here in Montauk in an Airbnb. I was promised that this was going to be a luxury experience and it is not and I am unhappy about it. I got a table of six squawking birds over there Which I don't like and I got a guy on his mower Okay, and I hope to God he's doing it because he enjoys it because if I look over there And I see that he's an employee and I have to look at those people. I'm gonna lose my fucking mind So I hope to Christ. He's driving a John Deere because he enjoys it

Okay, and it is not a worker while I'm sitting here in this shithole That was but it's supposed to be a surf cottage. What a working-class. Hell Montauk is I Was in the Hamptons. I came back to see my family who will die of COVID-19 in The second wave I will make sure of it COVID-19 may leave bullet holes in them and Strangulation marks around their neck. They're going down by November. They're going down by November. I don't care. I don't care Okay, and I went to see them. I got an Airbnb on that part of Long Island the South Shore I was sitting outside with two friends. Dan is producing the show today because Ben is back in California And Dan is here because he doesn't have a life

So he's producing the show. I was here with Dan and Luke Luke opens for me and I mean I swear to Christ with the fucking lawnmower. I'm gonna break someone's fucking head here I really am for the love of God They don't even have a couch in the fucking living room here It's two wood benches that they've put blankets on like we're in a methadone clinic here And every day the whole house is littered with Native American memorabilia And by the way, I'm a supporter of the Native Americans many of you know that but this house is owned by some white bitch Who's decorated it all with fucking you know

Co-co-pelly and dream catchers and everything it's it's just not tasteful How bad is this background noise getting? Pretty bad. It's hard to tell with hard to tell It's hard to tell we have a fucking mower and we got six we got six squawking birds Having a real white zen night out here in Montauk getting their opinions out Squawking birds and a mower. We're doing the best we can we got a real dinner party over there The cops will be here shortly. Trust me. They're coming. They came last night Me and Luke and Dan were discussing race relations in America. I swear to God. I

Swear to God. I said this sentence How do we get race relations to a better position and after that sentence the neighbor on Long Island came came over and said Hey, can you cut it out over there? Can you cut it out over there and then he called the police? What do you think that call was he calls up the cop and he goes by the way the guy next to me is trying to he's talking about bettering the lives of black Americans Please come get him Please come shut him down

So this cop shows up at the Airbnb and he's like oh, I was called to the side of a party and there's no party here I said yeah, there's no party. We're just having a conversation. I didn't tell the cop about what I Didn't say we're having a conversation about some of the activities you people have been participating in We're having a conversation about you people be a little trigger happy. I Don't want to have that conversation I want to have a nice conversation about Italian ice it's the end of summer But because you people can't put the gun in the toddler's face. You can't stop doing that. I Have to sit in my backyard and talk about these things. Does it make me happy?

We did lose a patreon subscriber recently and I don't usually Go into this, but this is weird. This was a young dude who listened to the show. I don't know him I don't I don't I don't think I've ever met him a guy named Kyle Rittenhouse Deleted his patreon subscription. So Hey, man, there's a lot of good entertainment that you're missing out on I don't know what your deal is But the reality is there's a lot of fucking good stuff coming on the patreon It was a little strange that he I mean, are we gonna keep it up? with the

Why are they doing this? I hate my talk. It's a working class. How I want wasps. God damn it. I want porcelain skinned wasps Eating silently eating fucking flounder and I'm here in this hellscape of fucking surfers and fishermen It's like a Billy Joel wet dream this fucking town bomb it damn it to hell I think the girls of I think the girls have quieted down now They know that they know that someone with an intellect is here But I'll tell you this folks The police will be coming probably shortly probably in the middle of the show

Hopefully not during an ad re But what are you gonna do? Who's that somebody come over? Yeah, people are wandering people are wandering over good for them You wander back to their trailers. This is not luxury. No, there's an animal skull on the table behind us I mean, we were promised. I was promised a luxurious experience. I Mean what is happening? I mean, it's it's a complete it's really truly a complete help and and I obviously I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know there's 18 million Americans out of work at 17.8 million Americans Out of work and all of them and that's just comedians So all of them are just stand-up comedians sadly, but I I you know, I'm just saying that when you promise an experience

You deliver the experience, you don't deliver this fucking surf cottage We've got a we've got a with a skull of a bison in there Some horns coming out like it's like it's a scene at a true detective. I don't like it Of course, we're kidding about Kyle right now. She was not on the patreon by the way How do we feel about that everybody? That's a new thing everyone's discussing right now I stayed away from that one on Twitter. It seemed very hot It seemed very hot that discussion about Kyle written house and his gun He went out. There was a protest in there Kenosha. Is that the way to pronounce it?

Kenosha, Wisconsin about the shooting of Jacob Blake Kyle written house went to the protest with his mother Mama written house mama bear written house. Also, I believe armed They're an armed family So mama bear written house took baby bear to the protest and baby bear brought it wasn't what is it air 15 or an AK? What did he bring? I don't know what he brought But I know that people are getting mad that people are confusing those things look hey before you comment on this How about figuring out the difference between an AR and an AK?

It's like yeah, but also how about just not having teenagers running through the town square with them No matter which one it is How about we not substitute junior prom with a shoot-em-up? That's just my thoughts But whatever automatic weapon he had it's actually not automatic Tim. It's it's you know Whatever so he shows up with a gun. I don't know what he's doing. I don't know if he's I've commented on this before I've spoken now. It seems like ad nauseam about what happens when you defund and Abolish

Police you will have malicious you will have I've never in my life by the way Heard this fucking dirty working-class pig on his mower for so long I hope to God he blows his fucking brains out on his goddamn mower I hate people that mow their own fucking lawn, but I do hope that if I do get a glimpse of him It is someone who's mowing their own lawn and not a worker because I'm pro worker So in this situation, I'd like my rage to be directed at the owner of the property But I don't know who it is if it's someone just doing their job I'm not as mad at it, but if it's just some fucking hedge fund piece of shit

Who's fucking doing his own lawn? Because he I want to feel like a real man. I just bankrupted Ecuador and I want to feel like a man So I surf and mow my own lawn There's a cute little bunny here. You can't see it, but I'm gonna break its neck shortly and dip it in Frank's red hot That's right. That's where you're going but my point about the the written house situation is This is what's gonna happen. It's predictable when you have chaos riots looting you will have people some of them children

picking up weapons For no reason Are they well, is he defending the who's he defend some people will defend their businesses some people just like chaos Some people like violence some people are quite bored They're bored and they say what's going on downtown tonight. Is it a parade? No, it's kind of a parade, but everybody's bringing a weapon Let's see what we're gonna get into and some people go well Sounds like a fun idea. Let's grab the guns get in the get in the buggy and head down to town

So we're analyzing it the wrong way. We're trying to look at it We're trying to be like but should he have what I don't understand It may be no people are bored and they have weapons. It's not a good mix You see it's a combustible mix when bored people have access to machinery of death Because they tend to use that they want to go out. They're bored. They don't have any jobs They've closed down the movie theater. So you can't go see Fast and Furious 27 Okay, you can't meet a nice woman and try to get a hand job by the popcorn machine You have to try to overthrow the government now if you want any fun

If you want to get your jollies, you're leaving your house So mama bear written house and baby bear grab the AK's and AR's or whatever they had the elephant gun the Uzi I don't know not an expert. Okay They get in the buggy and they head down to a Kenosha, Wisconsin The city center where the Black Lives Matter movement had been lighting up the the cars and the the dealerships and they lit up a few Dealerships and I saw what else did they get over there? Do you see what they got? They got a few few other things. We're paying attention. I don't care about this. The reality is well, that's good That's why you're on unemployment when that runs out. It's over

so the the Black Lives Matter people they come in and they They're they're they're looting and there's some chaos and there's some skirmishes and fighting Okay, and then you have look something up on this by the way, so I don't want to be wrong about this It seems rather important and then you have a written house You see the video I watched the video of the kid. He's being chased He has a gun he's being chased somebody kicks him in the head and then he gets up He sits up and he starts shooting firing and then after that I think he runs towards police and people are angry that the police gave him a bottle of water and they patted him on the head

Uh, and they didn't shoot him. Well, let's be a little consistent folks Do we want the police shooting people or not? How do we want this to play out? Do we want the police to just knee-jerk reaction start shooting people as a general rule? I don't think we do right? That's not what we want. In fact, I believe we're campaigning to reverse that behavior but Kyle went to the but now I did find it a little suspect that the cops You know let let him drive himself to the police station that I didn't like I didn't think that it was right that they had a ticker tape parade for him. I thought that was very strange

Uh, when they were chanting his name Kyle Kyle Kyle that I didn't like I thought that was very odd So there were there was behavior that they engaged in that was disappointing to me From the thing of law enforcement. Many of them just started making out with him when he walked over They just started deep mouth kissing him. I found that odd. He's a minor But they were they were seemingly very supportive of him. Uh, there was a lot of high fiving going on when he stepped over there So again, there are things that shouldn't escape. Uh, you know, the world's, uh, uh, you know I we should be looking at these things but Kyle was then, uh, taken in by the police now. He's booked on I believe

Our first-degree murder charges in Wisconsin. This is what I believe is happening and then this is the big uh to do Everybody is deciding Was it right or was it wrong what he did and what happened? Well, here's my position. My position is this um as a general rule When there is going to be, uh, civil unrest I tend to go the other way. I recommend an airbnb Something by the mountains the desert. I enjoy the beach I prefer that now some people like to go into the eye of the storm

So to speak with a weapon now that is that is your prerogative But when you do that you understand that things are going to happen many of those things unpredictable and unfortunate Maybe he was defending the local business. I don't know I don't like any business enough to defend. I don't like any of my family enough to defend In fact, if black lives matter was killing my family right now, I would not show up to defend my family I would actually tweet in support of whatever activity they were doing I mean, I'm talking about blm stomping my parents out in the middle of the street

I'm telling you I would not go in the direction of that. I might feel bad for my parents I would be like, oh, well, that's not good But I wouldn't get in a car and head to their house with a weapon when that maybe that speaks to my character Maybe I should do that But I just feel like This guy probably doesn't have a lot of guidance in his life. Mama bear written house probably not mother of the year She's driving her son to a protest. He's heavily armed. This doesn't seem like the best idea I don't know what this was. Maybe they thought it was going to be just a show of force

They were going to march around with the weapons. I don't know But again, when this type of thing happens diluting the burning the chaos, I suggest palm springs the Hamptons These are the nice places Jackson Hole Not my god help you. It was a smith and west I would rather be getting my skull kicked in right now by antifa than being this fucking shit all My point is this court lane. Idaho is nice These are nice places and I'm only of course

I'm naming the rich places because I'm being funny But there's a lot of other areas that aren't expensive that you can go You can leave you can leave connoisseur wisconsin and go somewhere else till things quiet down Try to get away until things simmer down. That's my general rule Now you can go and march with a weapon. I I just find it to be probably not too smart And now this kid's got a first-degree murder charge and that's that's what I've got to say about that I don't I don't know the kid. I don't know the family. I you know, all these people are I mean, I feel like they might be a bit off But I don't know

I don't know. It's not like I have any love loss. I mean these protesters are anarchists They want to burn down the city. They're not getting anything out of this. This is about violence and chaos It is not a political movement. It does not have a political goal It does not have points It does not have a leader. It does. There's no attempted negotiations There's very few demands that are realistic other than like eat the rich or end capitalism Which seems as a demand to be a bit lofty of an ideal

per se So again, we're seeing this as a as a movement which agitators and anarchists and people are going to take advantage of The united states government might send people into that movement to further delegitimize it They've done it with every protest movement ever every counterculture movement in america has been Subverted by the fbi look up coin tell pro look up any of these things. Okay So at the end of the day, you you do not know who's in that crowd when everybody's got a black mask on and everybody's just throwing Molotov cocktails. You don't know who's in that crowd why they're in that crowd what they're doing. Okay, it you know, when you see the uh

All that those antifa people or whoever they are. I don't even know who they are I would imagine this is what just calling everybody wearing black antifa now Which and that there probably are large numbers of them But they're yelling at this woman who's eating in washington dc And there's there's all of them and they're screaming and they're getting in her face and they're going black lives matter I mean, I'll tell you right now. That is a trump campaign ad It is a trump campaign ad To be honest when you see things like that and you go is the other side just pure chaos

Is the other side pure chaos and are they excusing chaos? Are they telling police to stand down and are they not prosecuting people who are destroying your property your business Your way of earning money that becomes a big problem. So that becomes a campaign ad right there I don't know who's in that crowd. I don't know who those protesters are. I don't know who they are I don't know if they're stupid kids. I don't know if they're anarchists. I don't know if they're undercover feds I don't know if they're foreign agitators. I don't know if from other countries. I don't know what they're doing Okay, because everybody's standing there dressed in black their faces are covered. We have no idea It's like twitter. This is twitter come to life. You look at twitter

You have no idea who these people are these bots You see the same tweet over and over and over again. You go. This is not a real fucking person This is a form of bots or something. What is it? It's not real You look at these avatars and you know, it's just it's just it's not real people So when you look out there and you see this is the physical manifestation of twitter, but are they real people? Who are they? I mean, they're they're living breathing things with flash. Sure But what are they doing? What do they want? How many different groups of people are involved in something like that when something goes down

In in Kenosha, wisconsin, how many of those people are just trying to grab some stuff? Because they've been unemployed for three months. How many of those people legitimately agree with the movement? How many of those people are fucking bored and just want to go out and light shit up? Because you know what after four months and not working and the government gives you $1,200 watching shit burn is funny I'm thinking of lighting this air bnb. I'm thinking of lighting this air bnb up and watching all these fucking pictures Native americans burn that this white bitch put in there. Okay I'm gonna I'll be by the end of this podcast. I'm gonna be hardcore BLM She's appropriated the native american culture and she's put it around this shitty surf cottage

But This is why you have to look you step back when you see these protests you see this shit happening You're like things are unfolding at a mile a minute. It's very fast-paced You look at these things. Some of these people seem like highly trained teams of anarchists where you go There's four or six of them. They're working in a cell. They know what they're doing. They're looking at each other They're working. They're coordinating with each other. One person is, you know, you know, tossing gasoline The other person's throwing the match One person's a lookout they seem like this is a coordinated thing

And you go, who are they? Is that antifa? Is that uh, are they people that are looking to? Burn down this this building as a diversionary tactic to go do something else to go loot to go steal to go rob Are these undercover fbi cia people that just want to take peaceful protests and turn them into something that Everybody's against Which is very easy a peaceful protest of a hundred thousand people is very powerful You start breaking windows and burning things down all of a sudden that very powerful political statement Now becomes something that most people are against and they go, what is this? So I don't know who's doing what but I do know that it is probably not a good idea to walk into one of these protests with

a ak-47 or an ar-15 or whatever it is. It's probably not a good idea Okay, this is not a good idea. You know, you know, no matter what happens the media is not going to have your back Okay, and and I'm not saying the media should have your back. I'm not commenting on this particular Situation I'm just saying when things go haywire when society collapses you don't go try to figure it out You don't go to the middle of the town square and go what's going on here You leave You go People can become animals very quickly if we try to reason with a bear. What are you doing?

This is not what you do You get away until things simmer the fuck down they cool the fuck down and the people can deal with logic and reason nobody Burning things down in in the heat of that moment is dealing with logic and reason So going in there and I just it was a hot topic on twitter like people going after each other And I I just didn't know I don't I I really don't know all I know is this as a general rule It's probably a good idea to stay the fuck away When things go haywire and not try to make sense of it and not show up to defend the local gas station Or the local target or the bigger or even even listen, even if it's a

You know, most of these businesses are insured even if it's a small business I'm not I I do not believe it's right that those small businesses are are burning down But a lot of those people have insurance Um, I don't think anything's worth losing your life over or losing your freedom over Obviously if they're attacking your home or your family, it's a different situation But to just walk into the center of town and go let's figure this shit out. This is the job of the police This is why you have a police force. This is the job of the police and if these if these people are not going to let them do their job and uh, this is also the job of actual legitimate activists to

Constrain these movements and make them productive and not let them become these big tents for people That just want to destroy things and rob people You're you're gonna have to actually exert some power over the movement and a lot of these people doing this shit are white Let's be honest and this is a black lives matter movement. So that's kind of what I have to say about that In other news. I was in new york city. We filmed a very funny video in new york city and new york city I mean, we're going into new york city like we're expecting Kenosha, wisconsin We think it's we're gonna get knifed beaten stabbed shot We think we're gonna be killed. We're planning how to do this video and they get right back in the rental car

We're imagining lurid fucking, you know scenes. I am legend every zombie disaster movie you've ever seen We're thinking about just you know young kids running around robbing you pelting you with rocks Okay, we're imagining boarded up storefronts people crawling on the street We're thinking about just pools of blood that are gathering at the corners of the streets We're thinking that it's going to be a horror. It's going to be a post apocalyptic Hellscape and we get there and it's Lovely, it's paradise. It's actually nicer than it was Yes, there's some shootings. You're gonna get shot

You're gonna get shot Maybe but maybe not the rents are falling. It's it's really nice people are out They're walking their dogs. COVID rates are low. The restaurants are open for dinner People a few of them recognize me. I love the show. This is nice. Thank you. I'm walking around again Gash is a blood all over me. It's great. By the way, you know, it's funny What's really great is it you know that no one cares about you when you FaceTime them They don't know you're doing the video that you FaceTime them and you have deep gashes in your face And you're bleeding and they don't know it's makeup and they still don't care

That's how you know, you've really surrounded yourself with a great class of people. It's really really good. My dad was like, what's going on? Why are you bleeding? That's the boomer response to everything. It's just light laughter and confusion Christina his but his face is bleeding He has a gash in his face. Why is your face bleeding? Are you dying? My son is dying I mean, I was shocked

at how nice How beautiful new york was and how you know, I remember it, you know, I love new york. I would never live there again But I just I loved it man. I love walking by and a guy like you you're a young guy You should be there if you're a young person move to new york date meet young people Get stabbed if you have to Take a bullet Gives you a little character Gives you a little story

But I'm telling you right now. I I think the media has hyped this up and this whole james altuture Who I like he's a sweet guy. He's like a bootleg Malcolm Gladwell And I and I and I mean and I don't mean that to offend him But he looks like Malcolm Gladwell. He's a big fan of this podcast altuture. He's uh, he's a really nice guy He's a fan of comedy. He's a comedian to some degree Um, and I and he owns he's a part owner of stand-up new york Which is one of the worst comedy clubs in the country And a place where every time I have to perform I've considered blowing my brains out on the way there

Instead I do it and and it's fine. I'm listen. I'm not I'm I kid I kid them and I don't I don't care about working there anymore But uh, I'm backing governors love governors. Thank you. We we we healed our wounds and we're and we're now back together We're back together and we'll do that with stand-up new york too if they get because I can sell a little tickets now So they'll be okay. It's it's a massage front. It is what it is. Thank you Anyway, I did a new year's eve show there once and the owner brought in like three tables of people And they were eating food out of like big tins and it's it's a massage front for weapons for the uh for the IDF anyway moving on doesn't matter who cares Anyway, does it matter? I'll tutors a part owner of this business. Why because it's a scam

And he's like a bitcoin guy and he's he's involved in all kinds of different things which I appreciate His new thing is going to be like doomsday prepper. He's going to be selling You know doomsday prep kits. Hey, you can run your business from your doomsday hole You know 10 tips for the modern business prepper dance nervous because he wants to work these clubs But I don't care But james is a sweetheart of a guy right and he bought into this massage scam And he he does like, you know every now and then he'll do a bitcoin seminar in between two of the comics Which is very helpful for a show, you know, I'll get up do jokes and then he'll come up and talk about a theorem

so We're having fun. I'm sure he enjoys this my my job is my job folks so james bought into uh stand-up new york massage scam and He they just made the bartender the booker once they just They just one of the maxing guys. It was wiping off the table. They go now you book the club because oh, okay who What what? Okay, here is line up godfrey

Godfrey Tim Dillon Uh, I don't I don't know who is who is this? Uh lordy kill martin, uh Okay, you're the booker now You wash the dishes now you book the club now you curate the entertainment for the audience They just give ever the homeless guy across the street was the booker. You used to have to go and audition for him He was blind so you would have to you know feel your face with his fingers

Anyway, so i'll tutor buys into this club Which is and by the way, the new york times jason zinnemann the the writer for the new york times comedy section He still has a job amazing Maybe the recession isn't that bad jason who I like who's been on the program open invitation again Unlike meg ride at vulture who will not come on. I don't know why i'm respectful to everyone Come on, but she doesn't want to leave for apartment. She's cocooned in there with many cats. Don't know But come on. Let's talk. I I don't even hate her. I I don't like what she does But I don't hate her I like that archetype of woman who's like kind of strange and

You know but committed to her work like I like I like a like a monastery type of like just typing and I like I'm like that I don't have friends and things I like what she's doing come and join me And we'll sit at opposite ends of the table and we'll talk about how our careers are our lives and our lives are horrible Yes, or yes, meg So jason wrote this whole thing about how it's so great to do stand-up comedy in central park and You know on the on the shores of the east river and in a cab It's so nice and stand-up new york's producing a lot of these outdoor comedy shows now because people

When people just get out of a four-month covet isolation and they're laying in the park What they really want is somebody yelling about their cock That's what they want They're just trying to set to be in the park with their family and they need some insecure psychopath babbling in the park So james l2 it's your part owner of stand-up new york who's uh on the oven's guard here and on the vanguard of all these new Comedy experiences curating all these comedy experiences in the park James l2 to write an article called new york is dead And it's never coming back and people were very very angry about that because l2 chair

Very smart guy knows what he's doing a little bit of a troll knows what he's going to do when he says new york's dead What's going to happen? Who's going to puff up their chest? Some gazillionaire Like jerry Seinfeld So jerry Seinfeld Who is a legend a king? Whatever you want. He's great. It is what it is. Probably wouldn't love me But wouldn't like my comedy. Maybe he would don't know

So jerry writes an article saying hey new york's gonna be okay It is what it is, you know, and that's the whole article. I mean, there's more parts of it But you know, it's not that funny, but it's fun And it's jerry going uh, hey, he goes. Yeah, I've never been to new york I have a house in long island which is I mean is an estate in hampton's house in long island But whatever he's allowed to say that right it is what it is So everybody, you know, so jerry goes new york's gonna be fine. Everybody's gonna be fine. Shut the fuck up And I saw him recently out here in the hamptons

jerry and he was just pulling he was pulling the The masks off off off waiters and waitresses and then deep mouth kissing them and gender unimportant And then kiss him and then he would say new york is back bitch And he'd say open your mouth and then he'd spit in their mouth And I was like that's the type of guy that I think it's important to have I think you need someone who's kind of tough like that and who's really has a passion for the city I like that I saw him hit a hit a maid with his car and he just said new york's back Bitch and kept driving and that I like that

But so jerry got in the new york times and just basically did a takedown of al-tutri and he called him a putz I love jerry seinfeld insults. They're like from 1935 this guy's the putz He's a louse This look at this carnival barker So jerry's insulting this guy with depression era slang In the new york times. I think al-tutri responds in the post And it's just been a knockdown drag out of rich guys who don't live in the city currently

Arguing about if the city is going to be back and guys the city is already back. It's actually doing fine I mean things aren't open things will open, but the city is doing fine. Yes, there is crime. There are problems There are issues with the police from what I gather But the city itself is actually okay So we have this tug of war between james al-tutri at stand-up new york and of course i kid stand-up new york I I love you guys. I I'd love to perform on a barge in the east river If you have my email and you have james al-tutri going at a legendary king of the hamptons jerry seinfeld

And they just it's a knockdown throwdown fight the two men are much more successful than your humble Podcaster here. So all I say is hey, it's fun I want to write a third article called new york's not dead, but let's kill it And it would be outlining the reasons to kill new york and how to do it That would be the humorous take which jerry and al-tutri decided not to be humorous in their articles Following the ethos of comedy right now to be very serious all the time and make tiny little jokes kind of That's what we do and that's what we give specials to and those people become uh millionaires But I would like to write an article called new york is not dead, but fuck me if I ain't gonna try

Let's kill it here's how to kill it and I would then just list You know an eight point plan or a ten point plan about how to destroy uh new york city. I think that would be That would be fun. I don't know if that's gonna happen or not probably not but You know We will see but that that's been a very interesting war that has been brewing uh in the comedy world that is uh what the comedy world has been kind of talking about and what it's bled out into uh Anybody that's on twitter or really anybody that say in new york's probably come across one of those articles

Saying that new york is dead forever And here's why and al-tutri made some good points. He said the internet speed allows you to conduct business wherever you want So why the hell you doing it new york and jerry seinfeld's whole point was that Which I thought was also a good point He's like where else can you kill a maid and then have it covered up in under six hours And have her body buried in the park so both of them have a good point And I think both of them should be heard and by the way guys You are so welcome to come on the show

You're so welcome to come on the show jerry and al-tutri and me just a couple of guys Just a couple of guys that want the best for the fucking greatest city in the world, okay? And I'll rent the nice air bnb. I won't be hearing this Montauk surf shithole I'm gonna burn this place down. You got to be on ayahuasca. I think this is a fucking Nice place. I paid for luxury experience. I didn't get it and when I'm promised luxury and I don't get it I squeal like a pig I squeal like a pig like a privileged Findictive petty little pig

That's a petty little pig if you heard me squealing From a mile away you'd go that pig didn't get luxury That pig was expecting luxury and didn't get it. What a petty little pig And I'd go I'd make a sound like that and I wouldn't stop And they'd toss and turn in their beds and they wouldn't be able to sleep And the kids would run into the rooms and the kids would go. Why can't I sleep? There's this blood curdling scream and the parents would say

Son I'll tell you I'll tell you a lesson. You're gonna learn a lesson right now if you promise a pig Luxury you better deliver because if you don't that pig will scream until that pig can scream no more Do you understand that? Daddy why is luxury so important to the pig? Well, the pig has a little else son The pig likes the luxury the pig likes the creature comforts That is why pigs exist to put themselves in situations where they can get creature comforts

And if they are promised these things and they don't get them they believe that the entire world should be burned to the ground son Even our family Yes, yes a pig who's promised luxury and not delivered it would watch you your sister me and your mother Burn to death without a tear in his eye. No emotion Because a pig deserves luxury. I don't deserve fucking wooden benches with fucking a blanket over them How dare you how dare you and I don't usually leave bad reviews On the air bnb, but i'm going to write on air bnb that this woman Uh had clan memorabilia in her house

I'm going to say that I was very uncomfortable by a room in her house that was dedicated to a history of the clu-clux clan Which her grandfather was in and she was very proud of she said i'm very proud of my heritage by the way she texted me She's like the last people at a party of six people It was a big deal. There was trash all over the yard people have food out. Please don't be that guy and i'm like bitch I'm not going to be that guy. I do the same thing in every air bnb This is my two-week end of summer vacation that will be back in the studio Next week every air bnb. I sit in the backyard and I scream for several hours into a microphone. That is my job The guy yesterday is like I close the cops. I'm like, it's my job, sir

My job isn't like your job to just go around and shoot people whenever you feel like it My job is to communicate with the body politic With the public. I have to speak to the public It's not my fault But I do I will miss this area. I do love this area, man There's great people watching we had lunch today And we walked into this place called the american hotel and sag harbor and they're just old ancient people here, man There was a woman when we walked in who looked like a grouper

Just a fat lady looked like a grouper and her two Friends or daughters where each had gray hair and they were like terrified you could tell they were terrified of this woman She was the grouper She was the boss and she sat in the corner of the restaurant in the corner seat And you could tell she controls the purse strings, you know, she she carves it all up and her will is malleable You know, she can just take out an eraser and ruin your life or with a flick of repent She can change your life and they know that because eventually the grouper is going to do herself in it's just going to be a little too Much chocolate mousse and then

So it's just great to watch Shut up the birds It's just great to uh to observe people like that in their natural habitat. It's very interesting It's it's a life that I'll know nothing about except from the outside. Yeah, I suspect it's very boring I suspect the fantasy life I want to live like finance and these elite groups of people. I suspect it's very boring That's what I've heard from certain people that have lived that life. Um, but I don't know That's my suspicion Like my life's kind of boring, you know, you think I have all these interesting friends and they're all funny and everything

And it's like not kind of true But some of them aren't for sure and a lot of them aren't but it's not as fun as you'd think It's actually not as fun as you'd think and most people are sitting there now going. No, we think your life's horrible We know that that's why we tune in every week Because I will blow my head off on the show one day in the middle of an ad read for magic spoon cereal I'll just blow my brains out. I want to destroy a brand when I go Like I want I want, you know, bud Dwyer remember that I want my suicide to be Always attached to magic spoon keto cereal

So that like Is anytime it comes up somebody goes, is that the one where the guy blew his and they go, yeah Yeah, that's it. They'll have to change your name and everything. I think it'll be a lot of fun um But uh, yeah, so I'll be back. We're going to be back in california and that's coming We're coming back to the desert on thursday. We're going to start doing shows in the studio again We got a great show coming up. We hope it's a great show at the stress factory in new brunswick, new jersey governor meatball Cuomo and his brother chris freido, uh

Corleone, uh Canceled uh my shows and we know that they're goons and they're a run of crime family So they canceled my shows and they didn't allow me to speak in my home state They would not allow me to speak in my home state Wow, but that's okay. I went to the next state over where it's still a representative democracy It's america apparently and I will be performing uh in a in a parking lot I'm very excited About that and then I will head back to the desert and then I hibernate

I hibernate probably through the the fall and the winter depending on what the second wave is doing And if we can get back out there But as soon as we can get back out there on the road We're going to get back out there on the road because i'm just getting a little bored Not getting stomped out by rioters to be quite honest with you. It's getting a little boring I want to put myself into the mix. I don't need all of these ribs You know, I want to get back out there. It's getting spicy in the streets I want to be on stage at zany's while everything's burning down, you know

Uh, so we will get out there. Don't worry about that. But until then We're going to be uh, how long we've done by the way, uh 40 minutes. Yeah I mean, so don't so if you if you are are are into seeing us live see me live It's gonna happen. Don't worry about it. Uh, it's not going to be a situation where We never do live comedy again. We're gonna do it again. We just want to find a way to do it That is fun and safe And uh, isn't completely horrible and does it ruin the experience of going out live? You know, we know that money is tight for a lot of people

We don't want to ask you to buy tickets to a show now. I know stand-up new york has had a lot of Uh success doing comedy shows in pipes underground new york and I respect that I respect I mean, I haven't been booked but I respect that That's very good. And you know, I appreciate listen the massage needs money They need money Hey, we're just having fun folks. And if you can't have fun, frankly, what can you do? Well, you can grab a weapon and run into the town square, but I wouldn't recommend it again It's just not a good idea. We all come back to what is and isn't a good idea

It's not a fun end of summer activity. May I suggest s'mores? And s'mores suck, you know, what's interesting about s'mores? This is fascinating and this is a lot of life This is a lot of life The idea of s'mores is good The the flavor of s'mores is great in other things s'mores ice cream s'mores pie A graham cracker crust with chocolate pudding and a marshmallow top. I mean nothing better But the actual s'more sucks

The actual s'more is not good Because you bite into it and the marshmallow has only a few seconds before it becomes too chewy And the chocolate is either molten and it's spilling on your hand and you're getting burned or it's not melted enough And the graham crackers are just not good graham crackers are not good unless they've been pulverized beyond recognition The s'more was a metaphor for a lot of things in life where you say to yourself, you know, this would probably be good At its components put another way are probably really good But in the way that they're intended, they're not good. They don't work. In fact, in fact, it does not work

at all But it's still a better idea Than shooting people in the street If we're talking about just fun end of summer activities Even though s'mores are very hard to get absolutely I've never had a perfect s'more. Have you had a perfect s'more? No, the process is is the the thing that sucks the most It's very hard. Yeah

Camping is is kind of a nightmare. I mean the one time I went camping I went with my uncle and it rained for two days straight and he spent time talking about the kennedy assassination And I was eight, but I appreciated that. I kind of like that What terrifies me is if I go camping again, I'll probably go with people that don't want to talk about the kennedy assassination And the sun will come out. That'll be a real hellscape. I wrote a bike today for the first time I wrote a bike on a highway of montauk like a like a monster Yeah, can you not just see me on a bike? If you see me on a bike

You look at somebody in your car and you go that guy just killed his wife If you see me on a bike You go that guy Just strangled his wife in the backyard and he doesn't want to get in the car And he doesn't want it, but he's on this bike For no, I mean, no, there's no good reason a guy like me is on a bike I I just did something horrible. I'm on my way to do something horrible. There's just no There's just there's no way a guy means that about it's undignified

It's undo is like a guy like me in a g like a denim jacket Like a guy like me in a denim jacket. You go. What the fuck Happened to that person because I know who I am like there's people that walk around this world. They have no idea They are I have friends that don't know they're fat. They're like women. They don't they don't understand they're fat And I don't know it's it's fascinating like I had a friend she called me the other day I said, I said, I'm in Hamptons. Where's that fucking muffin? The fucking muffin

She goes around swamp farms. They have the best berry Muffin it's got blueberries and rasp, you know, fucking what berries are and they're in this muffin and they're really good And I said, where's fucking muffin? She goes, that's a good muffin. She goes. Let me tell you another muffin We talked about so then then she tells me she goes, I think she goes I think I'm fat because I have My body's producing too much cortisol, which is the stress hormone and she goes and when you're fat When you have too much cortisol, you don't metabolize fat and you get fat and you have something called cushing syndrome or cuffing syndrome I don't know

And she goes that syndrome and she goes, I think you have it too And I said, okay, and she I said, what is that syndrome? She goes you have skinny legs and a fat stomach I said, but that's everyone who's fat has that That's everyone who's fat And she goes, well, I think I have it because I didn't get fat by eating. I said, we just talked about a muffin for seven minutes For seven whole minutes. We talked about a muffin She goes, I think I have cushing or cooper syndrome. I don't know what syndrome they have But you're gonna know who you are. It doesn't mean I can't lose weight. I'm trying to lose weight

I'd fish today, but the point is I shouldn't really be being on a bike Do you respect anyone on a bike? Is anyone on a bike like a person you want to really spend time with Truly you just don't I forget what comedians a great bit about people on bikes, whatever, but I just don't like The whole thing to me. I don't I don't like guys on skateboard scooters unless they're, you know, the appropriate age I don't need we don't need you to be 40 On a scooter a segue a skateboard hoverboard may be

You know, but this is just what it is. But I guarantee somebody saw me on Um Show me on the bike and just looked at like he's driving his son a little league and he just goes that man's done a horrible thing This sounds like what do you mean daddy? He goes he's on a bike He just did a horrible thing son. He'll never be he can close his eyes, but he'll never be able to unsee what he did He's like what you got all this from him being on a bike. I was like absolutely. I did I paid attention You know That's where it is. That's where it ends. That's where that's where we find ourselves here

It is 2020 the year of our lord at the end of august. We have found ourselves in a recession a depression Uh, you know, we've become Uh a quarantined we've become Uh bots people that exist only online. We've become the bots. We're the russian bots We're the things that everybody warned you about we've become the you know, shaved head genderless kind of You know fucking bdi's dark blue light of computer screen in our face all the time We became those people run and ruled by fear and anxiety and depression We became those people we became that darkness that darkness online that we always were scared

Was going to infect us we became it for the last four or five months and now as we leave our homes We can't shake that darkness. We can't shake it. We just want to watch shit burn We want to shoot people. We want to topple oppressive systems. We want to destroy things We want to burn things because we can't figure out how to how to really how to do anything else We can't figure out how to make life better for ourselves or each other So the only thing that we can do right now is to destroy And that's a big problem And if we don't figure out a way to make our lives better

We are going to destroy each other and we're going to destroy this planet and that's a big big problem For me mainly because I just started selling tickets So I would like a few years Of entertaining people which I worked very hard to do before we start burning this entire planet down But that's what you see happening. That's what you see happening with mama bear written house and baby bear kyle When they get in that car and they get in there with those guns, they know where they're going They don't know what's going to happen But they're going to the end of the world and they've been training for the end of the world for a very long time

And you've been training for it too and it doesn't matter how you want to experience it You might experience it on your computer. They might experience it up front They feel the heat of that fire and they're fucking fingers around the trigger But we're all going to the end of the world whether we're doing it in a van with a gun or whether we're just logging onto twitter We are going to the end of the world and if we keep traveling in the direction of the end of the fucking world The world is going to fucking end That's what i'm saying Take your foot off the gas take your finger off the trigger walk away

Go the other way go find a place that's quiet think and listen to jerry seinfeld and james altitude debate Listen to two millionaires debate the future of new york city a city that will be fine without either one of them By the way, but we can't keep Our pressure like we cannot keep our foot on the gas like this It's going to be very very very destructive and the next few months i i fear this and i don't want to say it But they're going to be bloody and they're going to be horrible. You know what i mean and and and listen I don't know. I don't know how much advice you want from me If you're gonna do it

If you're gonna go if you can't stop yourself Truly if you cannot stop yourself from grabbing a weapon and going to confront Your idea of whatever you think evil is and you're going to put yourself in hell Don't take a fucking bike Goodbye