The Tim Dillon Show - 216: 216 - A Good Deal

Episode Date: September 6, 2020

Tim goes off this week on people that love the outdoors, the child he'd like to raise, the wealthy's perspective on the ongoing culture war, and Tim shows his support for the military! Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 👛 WALLETS: get 10% off a ridge wallet ▶▶ ht Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We are here without Wi-Fi in the middle of the desert, in the middle of California heat wave, wildfires, 118 degrees scorched earth everywhere you look. The smell of sulfur or burning the brown landscape just being charred in front of your own eyes. But that's where we've chosen to make our stand from. That's where we've chosen to plant our flag

here in the middle of the desert, literally on the surface of Mars. I'll be here for a few more months and then I have to rejoin society little by little. Thank you to everybody who came out to the Stress Factory in New Jersey. We had a lot of fun. That is the club in America right now that I believe,

and this is from other people that have done this as well, that is really having the best results with an outdoor setup. The Stress Factory, the owner of any brand, put a lot of money into an outdoor, fully functional comedy club. You have 150 seats, you have lighting, you have sound, you have everything

that would make a regular comedy club. It really feels like you're at a festival, like an outdoor festival. It's a great experience. We sold out four shows there immediately. And for everyone that didn't get in that wanted to get in, we'll be back hopefully sooner rather than later. More shows are being announced.

We're back out on the road. Things are opening up. A lot of comedy clubs are opening up at 50% capacity. Some are socially distanced. And I mean, this is what we're gonna have to do. In the beginning I said I'm not gonna be out on the road. We didn't know what the hell was going on. I still don't wanna perform in front of cars.

I still don't wanna perform on the street. I don't wanna perform in the middle of a park. I mean, these are, I'm not saying I'll never perform at one of those car things. I'm a little curious, but I just don't want to do it. And because the show is very successful and we can be funny on this show, we don't need to do it, thankfully.

But now the things are opening up. I gotta go back out and be a comedian. That's part of what I do. It's part of the attack plan here, you know? And we're doing it as safely as we can. I mean, the numbers are going down even in the states that are hot, you know? Now the COVID craziness has become QAnon for the left.

This is what it is. It's my aunt calls me about it. She starts quoting models and doctors from other countries and 80,000, 30,000 beds in the ER. And you don't understand a latency period. I mean, you know, it's become a QAnon movement for the left, the insanity and the obsession with COVID. I'm not saying to not be careful.

I'm not saying it isn't real. I'm not saying I can't get it and drop dead tomorrow. All of these things could happen. What I am saying is that this incessant need and desire to sit at home, drink wine, and imagine worst case scenarios is infecting the body politic and it's not healthy. I'm just saying that on both sides,

on QAnon, kids in the tunnels, everybody's gonna get COVID and nobody's gonna be able to draw a single breath. That they are both unhealthy extremes where people are imagining the worst over and over again. Any boomer that is plugged into politics heavily is Q or COVID. That is it.

Truly, that is where they live. They're either hardcore Q or hardcore COVID. You know who they are. They might be your parents, your aunt, your uncle. They call you up and they have statistics. When somebody has statistics ready, it's a problem, okay? If you're out to dinner with someone and they start talking about a chart,

it's not gonna be a good night. If they bring out a model, my aunt called me. I'm in a car. I'm in a car. I'm in a cab. On the way back, I'm with Dan who opened for me and we're on the way back to the house and my aunt calls me, starts talking about models.

So it's gonna be about the model they've built and the COVID deaths and what's gonna happen and where we're all going and I'm like, I'm kind of laughing and the cab driver's laughing too because it's like no one fucking knows anything about anything here. The one thing that we've proven over the last fucking six months

is that nobody really knows anything. Some people have been more right than others, but we're still figuring out what the fuck's going on. Supposedly doctors now have a better way to treat this. They have a cocktail of drugs. They're using ventilators as a last resort. Listen, I'm not telling anybody what risks you should take or what you shouldn't take,

but there's a whole hell of a lot of people in this country that never got a fucking quarantine. They've been fucking working. Have you gone through a Del Taco? They've been at work. Have you gone to a hospital? They've been at work when they're not tick talking. Have you gone to a fucking store, a grocery store?

They've been at work. A lot of people have been at work. So it's time to start dipping our toe back out there and going back to work. There's no other option. There's no other option. You can't sit around and wait for a vaccine that may never come,

which I don't personally really want to put synthetic coronavirus in me. I've never gotten a flu vaccine. I've never had the flu. I don't want to walk into a Walgreens and get shot up with synthetic coronavirus. Some people do and that's great, but I personally at this moment in my life,

maybe I'll regret that decision. That's what's great about decisions. You may regret them. You may not. But I mean, is anybody excited about the coronavirus vaccine? I'm excited about the idea of there being a vaccine. No one's excited for that needle.

Nobody. I don't care who you are. Nobody's excited for it. You like the idea of it. You want other people get it. Give it to everyone else. I want to go to dinner. Give it to everyone else,

but not one person. When you imagine the vaccine, it's kind of hilarious. You imagine it as like this fucking concept that you're never going to really have to get in line to get. I imagine the coronavirus vaccine is something I read about in the news. Oh, good, good, good.

The more seats are open and whatever. I don't want to go to show up to Lab Corp and get needle in my ass, Bill Melinda Gates. That's just, so we think about the vaccine. It's like an idea that is a positive idea for society overall, but for me personally and a lot of people that I know, and then I talked to,

nobody's running out of their house demanding to be one of the first fucking trials of this thing. Nobody wants it. You know, we need it. And I hope some people get it, but I don't want to get at. Let the other people get it.

You know, the others. I'm not saying racially. Give it to the elderly. They're on their way out. Let them see if it works. See if it works. I don't know. People with pre-existing conditions,

maybe they need it and want it. And it's, I'm just saying that we're back out on the road. Dates are coming. Tickets sell out fast. People are hungry. They want to get out. They want to have fun. You know, we're not doing meet and greets.

We're being careful. All these comedians that are shitting on people on the road are usually comedians that have never been on the road, you know, and they're like, oh, these comedians are back on the road. Like you've never been on the road. What are you, no one's coming. What are you upset about?

You know, listen, throughout this whole process, I never judged one motherfucker that went to work. I wasn't doing it. Like I'm not judging you if you put a needle in your ass, the minute that the vaccine debuts at wherever the fuck they're going to start, letting people get it. McDonald's, I don't know.

But I don't judge any. I'm going what I'm going to do. And what I'm going to do is now kind of go out because I've seen numbers and I've seen things that lead me to believe this is the appropriate time to begin to start going out. But when there were comics out three months ago, I didn't judge them and you do what you got to do.

If you're earning money in live situations only or even just primarily, you got to do what you got to do. I don't judge anybody, you know? I mean, a lot of people have been working. Cops have been working, right? I mean, there's many videos of them doing their jobs, police in major cities working. God, man, I saw that video where they put a hood

over a guy's head and then the guy suffocates and then they push him into the ground. And it's like, what, what is the excuse for that behavior? I mean, truly, the guy who was sick, maybe at Corona, he had something they didn't want to, I don't know what the argument's gonna be. Yeah, he was yelling he had COVID-19. So they put a spit hood on him to protect themselves.

This was back in March. Yeah, it's part of the, it's part of the medic medication for COVID-19 slamming a guy into the ground. Like, and then the guy suffocates. Man, I mean, the country's gonna burn. I mean, I don't know what else to tell you, like you watch some of these videos

and they are fucking wild. And you don't know what's going on. And I talk about this in my act and I'm not gonna give away this joke, but I would like to defend more police, but a lot of the people I know personally, and I've said it before on the show, that are cops that have guns should not have guns.

So I do understand that there's, the screening process for the cops is apparently, I know people are gonna email me and go, it's actually great. Well, it clearly isn't. There's clearly a problem for smashing people into the ground. You know, we don't need to put hoods on people.

I mean, what, what, I mean, this is like, this is the way Ellen DeGeneres treats her staff. That's how bad it is. Putting hoods on people. It's not right. We were just in the party store. We go to these dumb Halloween pop-ups a lot of times. You know, one of the things about being in LA proper

was that there was a lot of costume shops. There's a lot of places, you know, the coronavirus costume, the Epstein Temple costume. We had actual costume designers design those costumes because they have to be really cool to look at, but they also have to be durable. We get in and out of cars. We're all over the place.

And that was a benefit of being in LA, but now we're in the desert. You gotta go to these Halloween pop-up stores. And we're at this pop-up store just looking at stuff, you know, might make stuff, might not. And I'm looking at this section of the store and I'm seeing inflatable boombox. I'm seeing gold chains.

I'm seeing hoop earrings. And I'm going, this Halloween's gonna go bad for some people. I'm telling you that right now. I don't know what section I was in, but that was the section of the Halloween pop-up where you're going to lose your job. That was the section. If you're white, whether you agree with it or not,

just don't show up with hoop earrings and an inflatable boombox to the office party this year. Let's just let this year be the year you do cat ears. Do sexy cat. Don't show up with gold chains and dress up as Run DMC this year. At the holiday party, race relations are not at the best moment they've been.

Just a little advice from me to you. I know, I know, cultural appropriation is kind of BS and blah, blah, blah. I'm just saying for your own advice out there, this is really not the Halloween to be. Are they still making cop uniforms, by the way, for Halloween? I think we saw one.

Yeah, I think we did. I mean, good luck. Good luck going as sexy Derek Chauvin this year for Halloween, by the way. I bet those cop uniforms are going to take a hit. Some people will dress their kids up as cops. We support the police, blue lives matter. You know, there's some poor kid who's like,

I want to be a vampire and you're like, you're not going to be Satan, you're going to be a cop. That's what you're going to be. A lot of parents are going to be dressing their children up as police. And then Halloween is right before the election. Isn't that fun? Right before the election,

which from all of the media reports should go off without a hitch. Should be very calm and peaceful. The media is literally going out every minute going, there's going to be civil unrest. There's going to be, I mean, what are we all preparing for? Voting's already started. It's mail-in voting.

You can already vote. Trump's telling people to vote twice. Everybody, and I tweeted today, this is so much of a bigger problem than Trump. Trump is a big problem. He's not doing a good job. That being, I mean, that's putting it as mildly as I can put it for you psychopaths out there.

They're like, no, no. So many people get mad at me when I say that. No. And here's the other thing. He doesn't like the military. Guys, you know he doesn't like the military. I think that article in the Atlantic should have been sourced,

but you know he doesn't like the military. You know he doesn't respect people that wear uniforms for no money. I don't care what you do. Garbage man, anything. He doesn't respect that. He does not like the military. He doesn't give a shit about first responders.

He doesn't get it. In his own mind, he doesn't get it. He might not actively hate them. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get it why a guy would wear a uniform and potentially die for a job that pays him 70,000 a year, maybe? And that's not even,

I mean that's like after you've been in for a while. He doesn't get that. You don't get Trump if you think he's perplexed. I think he's genuinely confused as to why anybody would do anything that doesn't net them a lot of money and the ability to fuck models and live in a mansion

or live in a high-rise apartment. Like he doesn't get it. It's just not his game, you see? It's not what he's into. He doesn't respect like EMTs first response. I mean, it's not his thing. You think he really likes the military? By the way, do you really believe

when you put your head on the pillow, do you truly believe that Donald Trump understands like the sacrifices that service men and women make? Do you believe that? You don't believe Trump's a little confused. You don't think if he looked and goes, you're making $36,000 a year? What are you doing?

Get out of here. You don't think he's a little perplexed by that? He doesn't get it. What does he do that's not for him? What has he ever done in his entire life that doesn't directly benefit him? Well, the presidency, I love that. People go, well, he's president

and he's actually losing money, he's not. And also people, there's some people that would argue being the leader of the free world's a benefit. Some people would say that that's a benefit. So he's not actually, it's not a selfless pursuit. You see, controlling a nuclear arsenal, the world's most powerful military,

running the economy to the extent he wants to or can, that's not exactly a step down from where he was. So he doesn't like the military. I mean, it's just what it is. There's a great part in that Atlantic article. This is an article, if you don't know, came out in the Atlantic magazine. Jeffrey Goldberg, who's the editor of the Atlantic.

Some of their shit's fine that they write and some of it I don't like. I think this should have been on the record, by the way. Fox News, though, did confirm a few high-ranking Trump administration officials that were on board with this. The military does not want him in. They do not want him in.

So you could continue to like and love and support him. The military doesn't want him. They want people, they want recruitment numbers up and the recruitment numbers don't are in high if you're joining military and you think you're gonna fight your friend in the street. So when Trump says we're gonna send a military in everywhere, you might agree with it.

You might say we need law and order, but it doesn't exactly help. It doesn't drive recruitment numbers if you think you're gonna be deployed on your streets fighting. Nobody really signs up for that. So the military, a lot of them are just not a fan of this guy.

Some of them are, some of them certainly are, but a lot of them aren't and they know he doesn't respect what they do. They know that and you know that if you think doesn't respect. Can you imagine explaining to Trump why you joined the middle? Like I believe that I'm making a sacrifice

for other people's freedom. His eyes would glaze over in his head like you were speaking in alien language. By the way, my eyes almost glazed over in my head when you tell me that's why you're joining the military. I am a little like, what? I'm like, and by the way, I'm glad people do it, but after we know what the leaders of this country

ask these people to do, I'm a little like, really like, I would understand much more if a guy goes, I love killing. I can't kill at home. I gotta kill abroad. And then I go, okay, he goes, I like violence. That's how I come. I enjoy making someone go bye-bye. And I know that that's not everyone in there.

There's a lot of people in there that do believe in ideals and that's great, but there's a few people and there's certainly a few. There's a couple of people in there that really just wanna bathe themselves in blood. And I would understand that as an explanation, almost a little more than somebody who's like, I just wanna secure our freedom.

And I go, okay, good for you. Again, I don't understand it either. So stop pretending that Trump understands it. Like I barely understand it. Let's be very honest, you don't understand that. And if you did, you'd be there unless you are in the military and thank you for your service and everything.

Whatever, I do thank you for your service. I mean, some of it, some of it I thank you for. Some of it I think we gotta stop doing. I gotta be honest, it's half and half. Some of your service, I say yes, and some of it I go, we can't do that anymore. It's a problem. But I don't understand.

Do you understand it? Of all the jobs you could get? It's hard to understand, right? It's very hard to understand. I'm gonna back up Trump here a little bit. It's a little difficult to understand. I'm kind of with him. If we were eating a steak on the Upper East Side of Manhattan

and Donny turned to me and goes, what the fuck are they doing? I'd go, yeah, I don't know. Donny, yeah, I don't really know. It's freedom and it's our freedom and he'd go, thank God someone's doing it. And then we'd have a nice little cheesecake. I'm telling you, I'm telling you stop the fantasy that this guy is like some proud military historian

who loves the military, it's just not what it is. I know we need a military. They need to be strong. They need to kick ass. Some of my fans are in it. I'm fucking happy they do it. I wish they had better civilian leadership. I wish the people in the military cared more.

And I don't mean the rank and file, I mean the brass. And more so than even the brass, the politicians. Those are the problem. I wish they cared more about veterans. And I wish we had better veteran health care, mental health care, all of that shit, 100%, okay? But let's just analyze. For example, let's just take a look at the decision.

That level of selflessness of bravery, you know, in many cases we're excluding now the sociopaths who just wanna watch things blow up. We're saying the other people that is hard to understand. I don't wanna go to Iraq. I don't. It's a little difficult to grasp. And I know that, and I know that we're all,

you know, everyone's horrified that Trump, but most guys that make millions and millions of dollars don't understand people that do anything, especially if it could kill them for not a lot of money. They don't get it. But people get high on different things in life, right? Some people like danger, some people like risk, some people like physical, physicality.

They wanna be out moving. They wanna work with their hands. Some people wanna sit behind a desk and all those Wall Street fucks, their risk is financial, you know, primarily. Like they're not putting their bodies in danger, but they're putting, you know, they might be putting their family

or their financial, you know, their entire enterprise at risk all the time, depending on the decisions they make. And that could affect themselves, their company, their employees, but they don't put their body in danger. So it's hard to explain to guys like that why you would do a job that might get you killed.

It's tough, you know, when people become cop, I don't understand why anyone becomes a cop either. I don't get it. I get firemen because it's fun because there aren't a lot of fires and they don't really do much and they have these big meals in the firehouse. And the first guy I sucked off was,

I think a volunteer fireman, I don't even know, something, it was after 9-11, he was trying to do it. I don't know if he ended up doing it or not, but he had a huge dick. And I always remember his dick, like all firemen have that dick, where it's like, not insanely long, but fat, like a hose you could use.

Now, I don't know what happened to that person. I assume he's dead, but I'm kidding, of course, about there not being fires. There are fires in Los Angeles all the time. There's so many fires, it's kind of embarrassing. But everyone's like, are you donating to the firefighters? It's like not really, because the fires come back every year.

So we're at a certain point now where it's like, I just don't know if we're gonna get, we're just throwing good money after a bad year. It's like, guys, can you do a job or not? I mean, you do the job, and then two weeks later, there's fires back. So I'm no expert, and yet I still think that's not really a good track record, okay?

People getting evacuated three or four or five times out of their fucking houses. But I understand that job, but if somebody tells me I'm gonna be a beat cop, I'm just gonna walk around. And we need them. We need people to do these jobs, but let's be a comedian.

That's a great idea. Who the fuck can go explain that to someone? Yes, I'm gonna work for 10 years and be broke and maybe even longer than that on the off chance that maybe I figure out how to be funny and then an even slimmer chance that I can market that to people and make a living doing that.

And it's a brutal process. So people don't understand that. No one understands anything really other than like, oh, you make money, got a big house. So if I do the job that makes me, I get the house and the money in the car, I get that. But anything that you do that doesn't immediately net you financial results,

nobody in America understands, I don't understand it. And I do one of those things. I spent a decade doing it. It was just like a weird calling with something I had to do. And maybe that is the military, but Trump doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand a calling.

He doesn't understand like higher purpose or the idea that this is what you should do in your life. He doesn't get that. Everything's a game. This is, he's a casino magnet. He's playing a game. And why play such a game that could kill you? Why play a game that could knock you out?

And that's a fact. And that's just what it is. I understand, you know? But it would have been nice if they sourced the article. I don't know. Well, this article in the Atlantic, and you can just put up, because we have no wifi in post,

you can just throw up these two articles. There's an article in the Atlantic. I'm sorry, there's an article about an article in the Atlantic. And it was a cover story in the Atlantic that they did on transgender kids. And I'm gonna try to get this right here because I don't, you know, it's so hard to talk about without misgendering somebody.

And we do not have the wifi. So I do, I know that the person on the article is now going by the he, him pronoun. At the time they were going by the they, them pronoun. And I believe potentially before that they were biologically born a female because we gotta say that, right? Because that's the whole thing about transgender

is that someone has to think of their biological sex, they have an issue with it and they wanna, so I'm trying to discuss this respectfully, okay? I just don't have the wifi. I don't have the wifi. So I'm trying to remember who everybody is at any given moment, it's a little difficult. It's a little trying.

The person shows up they, because at the time they were they, they showed, because it's a journey, I think, from female to they, to male, perhaps, in this person's case, right? We're all people. So, they show up to just do a photo shoot for LGBTQIAXLEZKNI.

I was gonna spell the N word a little bit and then pull back from it because, but I realized that that's just not even funny, but I was just gonna say N-I-G just as a joke and then pull back from it just to see if any of you are paying attention, but none of you are. The point I was saying is that these children show up to get the photos taken.

The Atlantic then makes them sign, you know, that standard release, we can use it anywhere in the magazine, wherever we want. They put this person on the cover of the Atlantic and say, your kid is trans. The kid had no idea they were going on the cover. Their parents didn't know. The kids, I think, uncle or grandfather,

I don't have Wi-Fi, had a subscription to the Atlantic and ended up being like, oh man, this is blank. I don't know the name. This is that person that we know. And so the kid, and they also misgendered the person. They mischaracterized the whole thing. It's really crazy. And I read the article and again,

it was an article about what to do or the debate around children who want to transition, okay? Which I'm not saying anything about right now. I can't wait into this. I don't have children. You know, there's a certain point where you gotta step back. You can't be in every fight all the time. I've said before, and I stick with it,

I don't think anyone should do anything at nine. People should wait till they're older. I don't know if that's ages 18 or if it's in their teen. I don't know what it is. I'm just saying, I don't think anyone should be making life-changing decisions at six. But I'm really not, if I can't get involved in all the fights, I can't.

I can't be involved in everything. Everything can't be. God bless these people at every day. Brett Weinstein and Heather Hying and all these things. Every day they, every day Heather Hying's like, hello. It's Heather Hying, hello, it's Heather. And then Brett's like, hello, Heather. Today, as Portland is bombed,

we're going to sit here with our cat and discuss, you know, and it's like, I understand, I get it, and I'm sure everyone's serving a function. I just can't be involved. I have to, I have to step back. I mean, I have to draw a circle around myself and only care about certain things. You know, it is what it is here.

If I have a child, if I have a child, I will encourage that child to be a financial criminal, regardless of gender. I will encourage that child to go into banking, to live in the Hamptons, to have a, you know, to live in the city, to have a home in the Hamptons. I will want that child to work in private equity or hedge funds.

I will, I, my, I, and like the transgender person on billions, the non-binary person on billions, I would hope that that is my child. I would hope that my child, in addition to being non-binary, would be kind of a numbers whiz with a real, real kind of loose sense of morality that could infiltrate an institution. And that, that would be my hope.

I mean, that would be my hope. I don't think I'll adopt a child, but if I do adopt a child, when I sit down with the adoption agency, I'll say, is there any way that we can know which one, you know, will be a criminal? Because I would want that one, like an intelligent criminal, not an idiot, a bodega, go get your money.

But like a fun criminal because that, I would want to give that kid advice. And I think, you know, when I'm older in my life, if I have a child, if I have the, you know, if I adopt, if I'm in a relationship with somebody who's sober, which is a big, and they're, you know, not in jail or something, and we want to have a child or like raise a kid, which I don't think,

sometimes I think about like, I don't know, like I think about getting a dog, I have a dog for an hour and then you go, this is enough. But it might be nice to raise a kid, but I'd want the kid to do something. I'd want a fucking real deal, like Olympic kid. Like I wouldn't want a humdrum regular loser. I'd really want like a kid who is like obsessed with sports

or, you know, a chess grandmaster. You know, not like Bobby Fisher, who just went to, he just starts talking about the Jews. But I mean, someone who just displays a tremendous amount of skill at something, I want a driven kid. You know, I want a kid that it's hard to relate to. Like I opened the door to his or her room or their room,

and they just kind of look at me with disgust because they have no respect for me because they're like, yeah, you have a big house, but you're a fat clown, you know? What are you really? What are you, what's your legacy? I want my kid to say to me, what's my legacy? And I want to crumble and I don't think I have, I don't.

And I could just say, you know, comedy doesn't really age, I don't know, you know? But I want my kid to be like a stone cold little psychopath. That's what I want. I don't know if I can get that. I don't know if I'll get that, but that's kind of what I want. Like a tough, sharp, you know?

I mean, that's what I would like if I had the chance to have a child, you know? That's all, you know? It's also like, what kind of grandparents would my child have because my mother is insane and my father has a putting green in his backyard? So it's like, what exactly am I bringing the child into the world in terms of grandparents for?

Like what guidance? My child will clearly get no guidance from my parents, you know, who gave me no guidance and gave themselves very little guidance. So my parents, like many boomers, are just on a sailboat sailing. The wind is blowing them around and they'll land where they land.

So the idea of, you know, like where's grandma and grandpa? You know, where's grandma? Well, grandma's in a mental institution and grandpa's putting in his backyard, you know? Well, the election's gonna be fun, folks. Get ready for the election. It's gonna be a fun one. And I do think democracy has not worked.

Can we say that? Can we put that out there as a thesis? Can we throw that out as a thesis and then work backwards from there? Yes or yes? I'm asking you, do you look around and feel that democracy has really worked? Maybe it hasn't even been tried.

I mean, we're a republic, we're not a democracy. But we're not even that. We're more like an oligarchy and then that's also failing, right? The oligarchy's kind of failing because, you know, Dave Smith made a good point about this. I'm not a libertarian, but I do like Dave a lot. People, we all know the people are nuts, you know?

The people, a lot of BLM antifa types that are like knocking over restaurants are nuts. We know that. We see them, we go, that's a crazy person. We see, we say that's a crazy person because we know there's no root from what they're doing to anything better, right? We know that by knocking over brunch tables,

we're not getting to an equitable fair society where people are treated with respect. And it's also the wrong goal, by the way. The goal should be to change laws and to have laws govern people's lives so that they have the maximum amount of opportunity. The goal should not be to create or change everything at once because none of that ever happens or ever works.

There should be specific pinpoint focus on things that are fucking people and that you can change and that it shouldn't just be this broad eat the rich horseshit that never works, never has worked. And the other side of eat the rich is just some type of authoritarian socialist state that is run by people that will corrupt

like every leader does and then run the state into the ground and run everybody that lives there into the ground as well. That's just historically what has happened, right? That doesn't mean that you shouldn't, like the carried interest loophole on Wall Street, you should eliminate. That should be a folk get rid of that first. Doesn't mean you don't do anything else,

but it means like there's things you can actually fucking do or try to do. But we know that the people knocking over the brunch tables are nuts. And we know on the other side, the people that are walking around talking about an ethno state where they are 15s, you don't really want to throw your hat in

with those people either. That's just not what you, you look at both groups of people, you go, I bet they're not going to run a real great society if we give them the opportunity, right? 17 year old gamers who want to bring back the monarchy versus fat non-binary women from Seattle, both options nugget for society.

But we forget, and this is Dave Smith's point, how radical the center is, how crazy the center is, how truly detached the elites are, the center. They have also left the planet. The center, and I don't mean the majority of people in America, when I say the center, I mean the people that have any power, any influence, the people that are elected,

the people that are behind the people that are elected, those people as well are completely out of it. The centrists, the ones in the middle cannot just be for eternal war and a financial system that crushes people and no healthcare, and that's the center. Those are the safe people. That's the safe choice.

Just unending war, manipulating fucking, you know, currency, crashing economies all over the world, driving our economy off a cliff every seven years in his boom and bust cycle, you know, charging off all of our debt, letting it be serviced by all these other countries. That's the center, and that's also a big problem. I think people forget that,

because it's easy to point out how crazy the people on the streets are. But why are the people on the streets? Because the center, the people in the suits, the people that look respectable, the people that have lovely families, and you go sit down with them, you have lunch with them, when they start talking, you go,

oh, you as well are fucking insane. You as well have lost it. I was in the hand that's talking to people, they're going, aren't the problems mainly on Twitter? I'm like, they're burning down, what? The cities are falling and you people are drinking rosé in your backyard. They don't have a clue, they're out of it.

They're living in this insular bubble. They have no idea what is happening. And they're the center. They are the Buttigieg, Klobuchar, centrist. They're not people that you would ever point out and go, that's a lunatic. But when you hear them talk, and when you realize that the policies,

they don't think it's a problem that we have the level of wealth and equality that we do. They don't think it's an issue. And one of them said to me, one of them said, well, wait a minute. They go, what is this, what's the problem with this wealth and equality? So I'll give you a few problems.

But I said, the one major, one of the major issues that I can, because I'm smart enough to realize, I'm not gonna try like an emotional appeal with these people. I said, a lot of, if you have a small group of people that have all of the money, they also have all of the political power.

So the problem is that in a democratic system or a republic or whatever we fucking are under the impression this thing is, if you give all of them, if the money is earned and hoarded and capped by one small group of people, they also make all of the decisions syringe in your ass, Bill Gates, you know.

So that becomes an issue too. And they said, oh, well, I can see your point there alone. I go, yeah, a little bit, I see that. I said, you see? So people don't have any power anymore. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the one of them goes, well, they can vote. That's what they said.

You can vote, just vote. What's the problem? And I'm like, yeah, but the lobbying and the legalized bribery, the bribery that isn't legal, the blackmail, all the skull duggery, all the fun that you people have been having forever. Yeah, that kind of overrides the vote.

Doesn't it? Not saying you shouldn't vote. And I'm not saying, by the way, that the opposite of voting is like, let's go fuck up a brunch. Cause somehow then these people are gonna be dethroned. But the center is fairly radical. It's wild when you talk to people

and they're not radical in their appearance and they're not radical in many of their beliefs. Like many of them are pretty, you know, regular, you know, down the middle kind of way. But when you start talking to them, we're all radicalized by our self-interest. This is really what it comes down to. I think that's part of the issue,

the radical nature of a lot of people's beliefs. Sometimes it goes against their self-interest, but a lot of times it is perfectly in line with what they want either the world to look like. And even if you don't understand someone's self-interest, like you look at all these rich kids saying that they want communism, that doesn't make any sense.

It does when you realize that they actually just want anyone to pay attention to them. And that's the one thing they haven't been able to buy is their value and worth as a human being. So that's why they're walking around unironically calling themselves Maoists, walking out of Starbucks with a cold brew and then stomping around the suburbs

saying that they're Maoists. They just want fucking attention. So that is in their self-interest. But I mean, all these Wall Street fucks out there in Hamptons, and I only spoke to a handful of them, but the ones that I spoke to are incredibly detached from what is actually happening out there.

They just don't care. And when they talk about it, their belief, it is a radical belief to say, is aren't the problems just on Twitter? That's a pretty radical wild take. Because they can afford the news. Many of them are friends of the people who run those companies.

You know the news, right? You could just turn it on or glance at it occasionally and you would see how big these problems are and how widespread they are. To say something like, isn't it mainly on Twitter? It shows that you're just so completely removed from it. And that's why a lot of these elites are just incapable of charting the right course.

For America, so if Trump leaves, don't think for a minute that the people coming in, I mean, Biden was chosen because he is a corpse, make no mistake. He was chosen because he is a corpse. And because he's a company man and he's gonna go in there and they're gonna keep with the same policies and the same attitude

that created Trump. That type of empire at all costs, fucked the people, mentality, politics is Beyonce shaking her ass and having a trans Batman. That level of commitment to the American people workers can fuck off, people that have families can fuck off.

But if you want to jet around to little St. James, you'll have the best legal defense possible. But politics being primarily the color of the superhero has not worked. And that's what it is, a very aesthetic optics-based politics in which nothing gets done by design and little people get little breadcrumbs,

a little nugget of this and that. Here you go, enjoy this. Obama came in, tried. You know, that didn't work. Doesn't mean that, you know, so that's just, that's how radical. And as far as the antifa people, can you start knocking over Hollywood restaurants,

stop with these like middle class or upper middle class brunch places in DC, start knocking over restaurants at Beverly Hills? Because here's the deal, they're gonna, the celebrities are kind of gonna have to agree with you. Like that's what's gonna be funny about it. They're gonna have to agree with you.

They're gonna have to, like Sophia Vergara is gonna have to throw a fork and say, black lives matter. They're gonna have to do it. Like Reese Witherspoon is gonna have to kind of go along with the chant. Like she might be sitting there completely like, wow, but she is gonna have to be a little bit like,

as they come in and start doing the table, she's gonna have to sit there and kind of go like, black lives matter. I agree. Like that, because these celebrities kind of have to do it, right? Aaron Paul, that guy from Breaking Bad. Let me go to a restaurant he's at.

You know? They're gonna have to go to where Bette Middler's hanging out. They're gonna have to agree, right? They can't be like, this is absurd. No, they're gonna have to say, yes, yes, destroy it. Yes, beat me with a salt and pepper shaker. Why not?

I believe, I agree with this. I agree with you. I'm agree, look at me agreeing. Yes, dude, do it in the restaurant Beverly Hills. These fucking idiots will sit there and be like, yes, good, we agree. And of course, the poor restaurant owner will watch this restaurant get trashed

while the celebrities sit there and cheer it on. Cheer it on, let that happen. Why not? We went to the restaurant the other night. We were inside, we were in North Salem. There's a nice area, Letterman lives up. There's a nice area in New York, and I was there with a few people,

and the food was so bad, but it was just so fun to complain about. You know, to each other, we didn't tell the restaurant. We didn't tell the women at the table, like, we should, you know, we should fucking lay. And because, you know, that area is just all wasps, and wasps don't complain about food, Jews do. So that's why, you know, where Jews live,

you get good food, because they'll complain, and ethnics will complain. And people like my mother, she's who's Irish cat, but wasps are above, you know, above everything in their own head. So they don't complain, they don't like, they don't complain because a wasp doesn't wanna even have eye contact with the server.

They don't even wanna discuss anything with the help. So if the Dover Soul wasn't good, it's like, whatever, doesn't matter, wasps just wanna be around other wasps. So as long as the restaurant looks like an old-in that George Washington would go to, and as long as it looks like that, and as long as the makeup of the restaurant

is pretty uniform, if you know what I mean, the wasps don't really care. They just, you know, they go in with their bow shoes, they sit very quietly, they have very quiet, respectful conversations, and then, you know, the dudes go home and watch porn that would make your eyes bleed. I mean, the things that those people probably watch,

but that's what they do, and I'm in there with ethnics. We got Italians, Greeks, we got Jews, we got, it was ethnics in there, and people, you know, we're loud and we're fat, some of us, not all of us, but some of us, and you know, we're like, you know, a couple of them were like, I wanna, yeah, we shouldn't be paying for this.

I was like, I agree, but we didn't complain. Obviously, we're not trying to hurt anybody, but it was just so fun to sit around inside a restaurant. We said, we wouldn't think we'd be doing this to just sit here, it's a real luxury, to sit there and complain about food that isn't good. There's sometimes it's really fun to go to a restaurant where everything is bad.

You know, my uncle's works for a restaurant group, Manhattan, and they're some of the best steak houses in the country, quality meats, and quality Italian, and Smith and Molinsky's, they're just legendary spots, they're really good, Malone and Porcelli, and Park Avenue. I mean, they're part of the fabric of what makes New York dining great.

I mean, the guy that he works for started TGI Fridays. I mean, these are legendary people, but they opened a restaurant called Quality French, which was, and I took two of my friends there, it's a history, I mean, it's Chris and Yanis. And to say that the experience was atrocious, I mean, his restaurant, they love doing fun things, like in one of their restaurants, Quality Italian,

they have a chicken parm shaped like a pizza. So they like doing fun table side shit, you know, they finish the penne alivaca with the lobster, they finish it with a flame next to the table, and they're, you know, it's a show, it's theatrics. So the first thing they do, they come over here as they go, they have herbed butter, they bring out a hunk, and I mean a hunk like this big,

like the size of like a small box of butter. Just seeing that amount of butter was so viscerally disturbing that we were like, our stomach started to churn. Then the food started to come out, and I mean, it was, everything was bad, the French, I went to the manager after was nice to listen, I come to these restaurants a lot, I love them.

This experience was atrocious, and I am now very upset. And I said, I don't know. And she was like a sweet older Asian woman. She's like, I understand. I'm like, I don't, I don't know when I will be able to make this okay in my own head, what just happened here? Because what happened here was an act of war.

The chocolate mousse, you know how the chocolate mousse is done in a way that it makes it look like ice cream? They decided to not do that. They decided to smear it on a slate to make it look modern. And you know what it looked like? Dog shit, actual shit. It looked like I had stepped, it looked like a slate of concrete sidewalk

with a smear of dog shit on it. And I called the manager over and said, let me ask you a question. What does this look like? She said, what? I said, what does it look like? If I had to ask you to describe this in a few words, what would you say it looked like?

And she looked down and she said, it kinda looks like poop. I said, yes, it looks like poop. Correct, why is it on my table? Why did we pay $18 for shit? It was an atrocious experience, but we had so much fun shitting on the experience. We had so much fun seeing something go wrong.

There's nothing better. When I used to eat out in New York, I'd eat alone at the bar a lot. And you'd watch these restaurants struggle to keep up with the flow of a Friday night or something. And you'd just see the wheels come off and the waiters start to go nuts and shake. And you'd hear glasses dropping

and people like getting upset. And then the kitchen door would open. You'd just hear brief screaming before closed again. And people were getting reamed out and they were in the weeds. It was tough and I would just watch that. And there was really nothing that made me happier than just watching that operation just at the brink,

just buckling under the pressure of the flow of people, nasty, loud, tourists demanding New Yorkers, just a cocktail of horror. And they didn't keep coming, they kept coming. And I just sat at the bar and would just chew a soft shabbat. I'd just, and watch.

Watch people lose their minds. Watch them curse the decision they made to move to New York to be an actor or this or that. Watch them curse their coworkers. Watch their hearts fill with hatred while this was happening. I watched customers roll their eyes, hold glasses up in the air for more water,

pound on the table, wanting to get the attention of the server, crowd the matredi similar to the way the BLM folks are doing now, almost in a threatening posture. But this wasn't about equality, it was about calamari. But I've watched all of that happen and there's nothing more enjoyable than that and I don't know why.

It's a funny thing, but I don't know why. There's nothing better. I've been at work, I've been, when I was a tour guide, I remember when it was raining and people were screaming at tickets, they were trying to get on the double-decker bus that I was a tour guide of and they couldn't get on and I had to hang over the bus. I'm sorry, now the bus is coming.

And the people, you know, would just shout and all their different accents and go, lawyer, lawyer. Sing liar, cause they knew I was lying. Lawyer, you're a fucking lawyer. And I'd have to wave to them and the rain was coming down and people, we had to hand out ponchos, they're trying to hand out ponchos on the bus

and people are screaming and the bus, this old metal death trap, they pay off the city to just say it fucking works. It's weaving side to side and people are screaming because they can't make their Broadway show tickets and they realize that the entire vacation has just been a succession of stressful moments where they're just trying to move

from one thing to the other. So I understand what it's like to be in that position, to be in that nightmarish position and there's just nothing better than watching it just kind of eating a soft ciabatta. There's just something about not being at work, just not being there, you know? Was there ever something that went really out of control?

Yeah, when we'd serve liquor there on a- Wait, hold on. I'm gonna bleep out the name of the store because I can't legally say it. You serve liquor at- I gotta bleep that out again, yeah. Why? Because it's illegal, it's illegal to do.

We would do it on like 4th of July, days like that and usually homeless people- Are you envisioning, and I'm not gonna say the name again, but are you envisioning people suing or trying to get you in trouble legally? Maybe, I mean, it's highly illegal to do. Well then you bleep the two names and I won't say it again.

Can I say the genre of store it was? It was a pet store. It was a pet store. You were serving alcohol to pet store. Why? To celebrate Independence Day and we would do it on Halloween. Why are people celebrating Independence Day at a pet store?

Because they wanna dress up their pet in the costumes that we have and they have a little better- You had pet costumes as well. Fuckin' wow. I thought it was just mainly like toys, shoe toys, and dog food. No, it was the whole works.

I mean, people that really love their pets came to that store. Was there ever a question about a pet's gender identity? I'm dead serious. No, but people would correct me if I said he or she on accident. Okay. Yeah.

I don't, I recall one person- All pets are its, by the way. They're, it's an its, it's a beast. It's a beast. I'm reading a book right now about people. So what would go to, when you got people drunk, was there ever a situation where you go, this is getting out of control?

Yeah, this guy who loved birds came in and he was, he would talk to us for hours and he got just fuckin' wasted in the store and we basically had to ask him to leave because he was just too drunk. But people would just get hammered and just kinda hang out. A couple of homeless people came in and started drinking.

We had to ask them to leave too. Cause you can't assume in like Eagle Rock and Silver Lake that someone's homeless until you kinda put two and two together. Don't give people hints about the store now. Giving people hints. But there's something nice about being a person who's experienced hell while you work,

which that doesn't sound like hell. It just sounds a little annoying. I'm talking about real like heavy workload. People are going crazy. Right. And I've experienced that. So to not experience that, but to be somewhere where I can observe

other people going through that, that's nice. That's kind of what all the people in the Hamptons are doing. They're just chewing a soft charbad at the bar, staring at all of the waiters, trying to make it through the night. They're all just sitting at the bar, chewing, just watching, staring at it, looking at it in an academic sense.

Not really invested in the outcome. They don't really care if somebody drops a bowl of lobster bisque on the floor. They don't really care if this girl's gonna sprain her ankle and not be able to work. Doesn't really matter to them. They're just chewing a little roll, watching it all go to hell.

That's what they're doing, you know? And people have to remember that that's the problem. All of the other things, Trump, people dressed in black, a lot of these people are side effects of the medication. But the real issue is the people who drove the country to this point, those people who still don't care. I mean, they still don't care. I mean, there's riots in this, they still don't care.

I mean, things are burning, they're still unconcerned. They still don't give a shit. What would make them care? The White House will be on fire. They'll go, isn't that on Twitter? Isn't that mainly on Twitter? That's an Instagram problem, right? What do they storm the White House?

Is that a TikTok thing or is that? No, it's real life. Crazy. You forget how fucking nuts these people are just because they look nice, they have colored shirts. They're fucking nuts. I'm reading a book about people disappearing in national parks cold.

What is it called? Oh, a cold. The cold vanish? The cold vanish, yeah. I just picked it out at random in an airport because I do that a lot with books. I usually read a chapter of it and then say I'm gonna read the rest and never do,

but this book is interesting people. And I don't really, and the reason I don't care this much about this topic is number one, I don't think it's Bigfoot, I don't think it's aliens. I do think people might be getting abducted. I don't care that much about nature or people that really seek out nature. I think they're very sick.

I think people, I don't mind, you know, obviously a beach or something like that, but I like civilization. I like small town, a couple of restaurants, and in a natural setting is nice, but I think people that go into national parks are very sick and very ill. And I believe that.

I believe if you're looking for, you know, people that set up tents and do like 10 day camping in a national park are very sick people that have a lot to hide. Truly, I believe that. And I believe that if you are in those situations, I don't know what the fuck you're into, so I don't know why you disappeared.

I don't know what you're doing, but I think you're very, very sick and I don't know what's going on. I think a light hike is fine, but when you start telling me you're like spending days upon days in Zion National Park, I mean, get away from me. Oh, you gotta go to Yellowstone.

Get away from me. I'll go to Yellowstone for a minute. Hey, look at that. Woo, look at that. Woo, look, look, look, look. Out. That's where Satan is. Okay, so anybody that wants to be in the woods

for an extended period of time, I believe is out of their fucking mind. I don't know what influence they're under, spiritual or otherwise, but I think it's a big problem. I truly believe that. And I know I say a lot of things for effect here, but I mean, you know, all these people,

Joshua Tree, I want you to go to Joshua Tree and take mushrooms and then figure your life out. I'll figure your life out for you first. Instead of going to Joshua Tree, blow your brains out in the car. How about that? I'll figure it out. Don't bother the aliens with your life decisions.

I'll tell you what to do. Pull off the tennis and swallow a Desert Eagle. Stop looking for mystical experiences and go to work. Jesus Christ, we are a selfish generation of sick fucks. What do you want to commune with these? So what, you could get a better deal on sneakers? Give up this mystical realm. You won't keep fucking around in.

You are slovenly selfish pigs. You have no fucking thought to what it would, what do you want to commune with the, for what? What do you think, Terrence McKenna? You're going out to Joshua Tree to get more energy so you can go back to your job ripping people off. Take shrooms for the fun of it, but don't pretend it's a fucking journey.

You're not a shaman. You're not a shaman. You work at a pre-production company that makes shows about midgets. I'm just saying. Enough already with the Nate, the national parks. Who gives a shit? Can we solve the blood in the streets?

The streets are running with blood. Stop with the park all the time and the hiking and the fucking view. I mean Christ, almighty enough. Stop fleeing to these fucking parks so you can sit there and get high by rock formations. The earth is burning. Civilizations, buildings, bridges,

restaurants, schools, hospitals. Let's figure that out. Enough already. We want to take like a trip and I hope you get abducted and I hope a bear rapes and kills you. Stay the fuck out of nature. It's disgusting.

Nothing makes me happier than when Instagram people take a photo on like a cliff and then die immediately afterwards. Nothing fills my heart with hope more than that and I hope that keeps happening. A little beach is fine. A little light woods are nice. You start going for a week long trek in the woods.

You are, there's a problem. And some of these joggers that go into these national parks and get abducted, it's just fucking jog on the street but it's a better, yeah, it looks nice. Well, then you take your risk. But this whole thing, I'm a little sick of these fucking corporate tech pieces

of shit pretending that they give a flying fuck about nature. They don't. They don't, okay? All these fucking people at Burning Man, which is virtual this year, God forbid they not have Burning Man. It's gotta be a Zoom meeting of Burning Man. So these people that work at Goldman Sachs,

who spend their day destroying economies and these people that design, you know, the type of security systems that keep the children in cages for ice, they need to go do a virtual Burning Man this year because it's not like the real thing. They can't dress up like a fucking weird starfish, weird steampunk angel on roller skates

and go fuck around in the Black Rock Desert. So they can recharge themselves to go sit behind their desk and take more of your freedom and control more of your mind. That's what all those new age Burning Man types are doing. They're leaving that fucking thing and then deleting you on social media. They're a Burning Man and they're like,

hi, it's a lie, lie, lie, lie. And then they go back to their fucking office and they just program fights for you. They just program how many family members you should fight with for the next three months. They just say, ah, ah, ah, ah, everybody's fucking, it's all fun when you're eating, you know, peyote, fucking, you know, frittatas

or whatever's going down there. That's my opinion on that. Stay the fuck, stop pretending to be some connoisseur of the natural world, you're a demon from hell. Own it, own it. What happened to the old Wall Street types? Michael Douglas in Wall Street wasn't like,

you know what I really like? I like winning, I like winning and Yosemite. I love Yosemite because the hot springs, no. Own it. Enough with these motherfuckers. Ben has returned to the show. Ben was suspended for a week. He had a suspension because an article came out about him

in the LA Times where he was accused of multiple rapes. And we thought that the punishment for that was a suspension for a week. And one of the women is alleging that he branded her. And so he's now back. And if we're sourcing these claims and if it is true, he will be suspended for another week and then that will be his punishment.

But we haven't really found the validity in that. We're gonna start putting up new dates on Instagram. Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N. Twitter, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N. Follow me on Facebook, Tim Dillon, timdilloncomedy.com. We are gonna throw some new dates up. We're back on the road, September, October, November.

We've got dates. We're coming to Texas. We're coming to Florida. We are going places. As soon as all of those offers and deals that we have cook in as long as we can verify that they're gonna happen and we can put those tickets on sale, we're going out. We've got some new material, some old material,

some crowd work, some riffing, some fucking, just having fun talking about this craziness that we're in. Subscribe, rate, review our podcast, Five Stars. Tell friends about it if you like it. Rate us on iTunes. Tell everybody about us. Call Spotify. Tell them to give us a fucking $100 million.

Whatever you wanna do. We appreciate this. The show's grown dramatically. It's only gonna grow more, hopefully. And we're looking at some new options for later on in the year, early next year. We're gonna have a cool new studio. You know, we're taking a lot of the production quality.

The videos has gone up. You've noticed we're going in a different direction. Hopefully we have a fully functional, like kind of like a late night show that's actually funny. Wouldn't that be nice? An actual funny late night show, eventually. So like something that you could actually watch

and go, oh, that was comedic and I enjoyed it. Which is nothing that is happening right now. There's not one thing you think is funny, truly. There's not one. The only funny thing right now, truly to watch is the news. Because literally you watch it and you just see, you know, people climbing through the windows of a Friday

with blow torches and you go, ha, ha, ha, ha, honey, you gotta come in here and see. You gotta come in here and see. The guy, he's got a bat. He's in, I think it's Ruby Tuesdays. I can't wait. I can't wait for Trump to not accept the election results or whatever and there to be like this weird civil war.

But by the way, all of this military stuff is there. The military is sending a strong signal to Trump. Don't count on us. That's what a lot of it is. They're sending a strong signal going, don't count on us, we're not with you. And I just can't wait for that to happen and there to be like some real,

just civil unrest and some real problems in the country and then, you know, one of these guys on Wall Street's, you know, just drinking a Cabernet and he's just sitting there and he just, you know, like it turns on the TV and he's just seeing, he's like trying to understand. He's like squinting. He's squinting and he's just seeing, you know,

burning and everything like that. And he just, he just kind of shuts it off. And then he goes, ah, you know, his wife goes, what's going on? Is there a problem? He goes, you know, it's, they blow it up the media. They make it bigger than it is, you know. Everything's fine.

Everything's okay. And, you know, he just fucking ignores it. Just fucking lights a cigar and everything like that. And then he hears like the sound of distant chanting and he goes, it's probably, it's interesting, you know, the neighbors are loud. They're usually not that loud, but I guess they're having an event, you know.

And he smiles. He goes, it's nice to have parties. He remembers when he used to have parties. And the chanting's growing louder and he doesn't understand. Chanting's growing louder. And now he's a little curious. He gets up, he's got the cigar.

Maybe, maybe he's moved on from the Cabernet. Maybe he's a little snifter, a brandy or something. He's got a McCallan and he's whiskey. And he just sees, and all of a sudden he just sees the, you know, he just sees the people and many of them are in black and many of them aren't. And they're just, they're angry and they're carrying things that look like weapons,

you know, batons and clubs and things like that. And maybe one guy's got a chainsaw. Now he's a little nervous. He's a little nervous. He doesn't quite understand what's going on, you know. And they come into his property and they start lighting it on fire. And now he's a little disappointed, you know.

He doesn't really mind the house burning down because the house is never what he wanted. He loves the property. And he thinks maybe, I mean, I'm assured, maybe I could build something else. So even in the initial stages of them burning his home, he sees the opportunity in it, right? He sees, this could be like a blessing in disguise.

You know, he sees the thing going up and he goes, man, you know, I got a good policy on this house. You know, and even if the wife gets it, he goes, you know, me and her haven't been connecting. We haven't been connecting as much, you know. So he sees the opportunity and I mean, maybe she gets horribly scarred and he just sends her away to some sanitarium

and then he could kind of, you know, call that waitress at Bobby Vans and say, Harbor, that he really likes, you know. Because she's an older woman, but she's, you know, big tits and she gets them and she likes power and she appreciates them, you know. And not like his wife does anymore. She doesn't appreciate him.

You know, this new one does because, you know, she's new and new is important and new is good, you know. And it's been a while since he's had me new. So he's watching his house burn down and he's thinking about maybe his wife being horribly scarred and still, and still there's nothing that's really troubling him. And then a couple of the people start to approach him

and he says to himself, yeah, it's not a huge deal. I mean, I'm sure they just want to talk and then they kind of start pushing him. And this is when he goes, now his physical safety starts to enter his mind for the very first time in the whole equation. And he goes, yeah, this is, you know,

this is a real, this is a real issue and I don't know how I'm gonna make it out of this, you know. He's thinking in his mind, you know, when he fighting moves, not really, not really. You know, he's been in only a few scrapes. He's lost most of them. You know, he's a wiry frame small man that made all his money, you know,

just closing down the companies that he imagined big, surly guys work at, you know. And so they're now getting him and now they've hoisted him up and they're carrying him and he's now very uncomfortable because he now realizes that this might just go left here, you know, like even though he's tried really, really hard, there's just, this may not be a good equation.

This might just end very, very badly. And he doesn't, he doesn't really know where this is gonna go and they walk him and they're walking him to a tree in the middle of his property. It's a big tree. He's always loved this tree, you know. And they, they're just, you know,

they start tying him around this tree. And he goes, this seems very strange. You know, it reminds him actually of one of these kind of fun rituals that he used to do at Bohemian Grove. He thought maybe that was gonna be it. He's like, maybe they just wanna have fun in nature, you know, nature, huh?

But no, they start tying him around a tree and then they start dousing him with something and he recognizes that smell. It's kerosene. It's kerosene. And they're dousing him and finally he goes, oh, I think they're gonna light me on fire. He's still very calm and collected, you know.

He didn't realize he was gonna die like this, but he's had a pretty decent life, you know. He's made a lot of money. Some people have made more. A hell of a lot of people have made less, you know. The kids went to the best schools. He's only cheated on the wife a few times and he tested himself for STDs

before he had sex with her again. He's done everything responsibly and right, you know. And he just, he's there and he's just, you know, soaked in kerosene. He just wants, he doesn't wanna say anything offensive. He doesn't want, he's thinking of legacy now, you know. He's thinking of his legacy. And it's kind of a proud legacy to be burned

at the stake in the Hamptons really by an angry mob. You know, he'll probably be remembered. If he is remembered, it'll probably be with some type of sympathy, right? It'll probably be with some type of sympathy and they're burning him and they haven't burned him yet, but they all have torches and they're getting ready to burn him and he's just there

and he's doused in kerosene and everything like that. And he's tied to the tree. When he finally, he finally starts understanding, you know, that there are some problems in America. There are issues in America and he never understood that. You know, so then they start burning him and he's smelling his own flesh burn. And the pain is so intense.

He's gritting his teeth and his teeth are almost breaking and the blood is kind of oozing out of his mouth. He's just clenching his teeth and he can't even speak. There's so much pain, you know. There's so much pain. And he's just, as he drifts off and he's just again, cooking, tied to a tree in his Southampton home.

As he's cooking, the last thing that he thinks to himself is he goes, man, maybe we should have let them get a knee operation, I guess. But then he reminds himself that hindsight is 2020. And he cares, he cares more about the fact that as soon as that house is burned and that that tree is burned and that his body is burned, a nice young family of guys like him will move in there.

So even though he's dead, his last thought is, you know what, fuck him. You know how expensive it is to put in a new knee? A hell of a lot more pricey. If you multiply it by the amount of people that really need it, it's a hell of a lot more pricey than just building a new house for another hedge fund guy that can just move in there.

And that hedge fund guy will look out at that burnt tree and he'll maybe learn a few lessons, but I bet he won't. So even in the last throes of consciousness, he decides against the knee operation. He says, fuck it, you know what? The system's important. What is my flesh? What do I have to say that will ever be greater

than the system? That's what gets people up in the morning, right? My life is nothing. So he kind of has a smile on his face. He has a smile on his face and it's charred. You can kind of see it. But the smile is because the last thought he had, he goes, man, the next guy who buys this property

is gonna get such a good fucking deal. Good night.