The Tim Dillon Show - 218: 218 - Fake Business

Episode Date: September 20, 2020

Tim teaches you this week how to start a fake business, being back on Keto, the downsides of living in California, and a Satanic AirBnB. Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 👛 WALLETS: get 10% off a ridge wallet ▶▶ https://www.ridge.com/tim 🩳 UNDERWEAR: Orde Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. We are here again for your viewing and listening pleasure. The shirt I'm wearing today, 9-11, a closer look. Tim J. Dillon brought to me by three gentlemen, forget their names at the Stress Factory Comedy Club in New Jersey. I appreciate that. This is of course a callback to the joke I said

that this is the class that I would teach if I was a teacher. And three gentlemen bring it up to me, they gave it to me. It's a little small, but that's all right. On my day five at Keto, we're turning over a new leaf. And a little small, but I wear it on the show to thank those gentlemen that came up to me and go, you could sell them, just give us half.

Gross, gross, just give someone. So everybody's Gary Vee, relax. Be happy I enjoyed it. It was a nice thing. What are we going into business together? I don't know the fuck you are. You're still it, man, just give us half. What are you nuts?

Oh yeah, get on the team. Fill out a W-9. We'll just salary everybody. Let's put you on a salary. You could come up with some more ideas. Thanks for all the work you put into the shirt. Giving you half, for what? You think I can't do that?

I hope they sue me an intellectual property court. We've sold 75,000 of these. I'm a trillionaire. I'm not selling 9-11 shirts, buddy, calm down. I do appreciate it and I like it. Thank you. The fires are finally starting to calm down now. The fire department in Los Angeles,

clearly an incompetent group of lazy people that cannot do anything has finally by accident, somehow made some progress with these fires. Okay? How about going to work? I saw we had breakfast the other day. I see one of these lugs, just would have a fire truck

on a suburban street standing there. And I said, I'm sorry. Well, are there not things for you to be doing at this particular moment? I think the firefighters are starting the fires to try to get relevant, because they're jealous that everybody's talking about cops. So the firemen are now lighting shit up

so they can get some goddamn attention, okay? Pretty childish. Bobcat fire spreads to 60,555 acres while still threatening Mount Wilson and the San Gabriel Mountain communities. Several areas in the Angeles National Forest remain under evacuation orders. Containment of the blaze increased to 15%.

So they've increased, they're 15% more successful at containing the fire than they were. Well, hey, good job. Maybe we'll get to 17%. What's going on over there? It's not hard. It's fire and water.

Put it in a hose and put it out. What are you doing? Standing and looking at it? It's pretty easy. Have you ever had a small fire in the kitchen? Yeah, it's easy. You put water or you put the lid on the thing. And get the air out.

Get the air out, put a tarp on it, tarp it up. Tarp it up, it's over. Don't fucking stand around trying to feel, cause you know, everything now is about, you know, oh, it's so hard. It's the easiest thing ever. There's a fire. What puts it out?

Water, we know that. This isn't coronavirus where we're searching for the vaccine. We know the enemy of fire is water. Point the hose at the fire and put it out. Am I wrong? Truly am I wrong here? If I'm wrong, tell me. I don't think you are.

I don't think I'm wrong either. We got a bunch of degenerates running around, not putting out the fires. Put the water on the fire. Do it from a helicopter or do it from a hose. What happens on the show? See, I started this as kind of a bit, but as I'm going into it, I do think I'm almost right.

Like as I'm leaning into this more, I kind of believe that I'm not all wrong here. What, the wind is blowing the fire? Then point the hose where the wind is blowing. How about making all of it wet so that it can't catch fire? Just start soaking shit. Get some super soakers. Remember those when you're a kid, you get the super soaker?

You could have fun. Have fun with it. Go out in the forest with the super soakers. It's fun. It's fun and productive. It's fun and nobody dies. Have a water gun fight. It's fun.

And you make progress with the fire. I mean, these things are going on for weeks. What are these slugs doing? I'm genuinely curious. Go up in the helicopter, spray the hose from above it. I'm confused. Does anyone out there understand what's happening? It can only be that these firefighters

are enjoying this because they're sick fucks. That's what I think. They're sick people. And they like watching things burn. Who becomes a firefighter anyway? What's that about? You like heat? It's a little wild.

I'm just saying, rain it in, boys. We've had enough. The citizens of California have had enough, how great would it be if Newsom got out and threw him under the bus? He goes, we have the most incompetent fire department. I mean, these people can't fucking do anything. I mean, God, they can't do anything.

These things have been burning for weeks. They know it. They know where it's gonna go. They just don't care. They're always shocked. It also happens every year. Why are we always shocked that the fire's coming? Get a clue.

As Roseanne would say, dumbass. She'd call me a dumbass. Dumbass. In other positive news in Los Angeles, people are now moving boulders under the freeways to keep the homeless from living there. If you've been to Los Angeles, which many people are leaving,

many are evacuating. Ben Shapiro took 75 jobs to Nashville, Tennessee. Joe Rogan took one job to Texas. He took Jamie Vernon. So there's an exodus out of California. People are leaving. They've had enough. The homelessness has reached a crisis point.

Under most overpasses in California, you see large tent cities, communities, Hoovervilles, if you will, only to be made worse by current economic conditions. But what does a functional society do when presented with such an issue? What does a functional society do? We take boulders and we put them under the bridges

so the homeless people can't set up tents there. We take spikes and put them places so they can't sit down. We put rings on the benches in the park so they can't sleep. We make LA into a level of Super Mario Brothers so no one can ever rest ever again. We have those trumps and that's what they're called. Those big trumps don't things fall down

on the homeless people if they, for a second pause and look like they're going to set up shop. This can't be the solution, okay? Other than the fact that it's pretty inhumane, it can't be the solution of a functional society to just build a lava pit where the homeless people were. That can't work. I don't know what will work, but that just doesn't,

is there more of a sign of a dysfunctional society than two guys walking under an overpass with a boulder and putting it down? Could there be any sign that this, I mean, just turn the lights on the way out, this place is fucking done. Then two schmucks walking around with large rocks. How creepy is that?

So you drive into the underpass, now there's no homeless people, there's just rocks. There's boulders everywhere. Hollywood screenwriter behind Point Break and Varsity Blues moved boulders into West Los Angeles freeway underpass to keep homeless people out of the hottest weekend of the year. Interesting, a Hollywood screenwriter helped arrange

to have 60 boulders lined up on a pedestrian sidewalk in Los Angeles to keep homeless people from setting up tents in the shaded area on a day when temperatures reached 111 degrees. So I imagine people are not too happy with this gentleman, right? People are probably angry about that. L.A. is a pretty liberal place.

L.A. screenwriter sets up large spikes to discourage homeless people from sitting in said area. It is out of control. I think it's nuts that a homeless person can set up a tent outside of your house. They're maybe mentally unstable, they're a drug addict, it could be a pedophile, they're hanging out, you got kids, you don't want somebody like that,

that could be potentially dangerous. I think it's weird that the cops won't break that up. I agree with that. But I think the solution must be bigger than just rigging an obstacle course around Los Angeles that homeless people have to now go through. You know? Hollywood screenwriter has put up hurdles

so that homeless people have to learn how to jump in order to get, I mean, we need some investments in mental health care, we need housing, and look at how much housing is going to be for homeless people. This is crazy. What the fuck are they doing? They say L.A.'s homeless housing now costs more

than some luxury condos, $746,000 per unit. And I don't know why it costs so much, I imagine because of regulations and I don't know, but $746,000 per unit for a homeless person, for a homeless, I mean, that seems a little high. Prop HHH tax dollars were intended to facilitate development of up to 10,000 units of housing for L.A.'s homeless.

Three years later, only 228 units have been built. Good job. What are you guys in league with the fire department? The cost per unit to the taxpayers keeps rising and construction on some projects is behind. We have a crisis on our streets. Last year, we had 1,000 people who died on our streets. So this is a question of life and death.

Galperin told the I team, which is the news team. Galperin says the rising cost of building housing for the homeless is due partly to the red tape involved in getting projects approved. There should be no red tape getting projects approved. How safe do these motherfucking things have to be? It's safer than under an underpass. What is this million dollar listing?

Get the fucking boxes up, put the beds in them and we're done here. What is some lunatic walking around going, my concern is the finishes because a lot of my clients really want high end finishes, granite, marble. What are the acoustics on the wood? It's very important. We don't want the rooms to be too loud.

Put the bed on the floor, move on. Heat, air conditioning, that's it, running water. God's name is taking so fucking long. Here's the problem. What happens is, and I get this, people don't want these low income, low cost homeless housing in their areas. That's what it is and that's probably part of the reason

it takes a while for these things to get approved. We just have to convince the homeless that LA's over. They gotta get out of here. They can be homeless anywhere now. They don't need to be here. You understand? They can do their jobs from anywhere. It's hot, people here are stingy, they're not giving.

They're not giving. There's not a ton of tourists to get over on. Maybe think about New Orleans or another place. Let's redirect the homeless and try to give them the idea that they can go somewhere else and have a better chance of duping tourists, better climate, more open spaces. There's so many places to go in this country

if you're homeless. There's so, and we should have a campaign for this. We should come out. LA should say, we wanna remind the homeless that we love having you here and we've loved having you here. But this is a big, wide open country with so much space. That's why people say to me, Tim,

you're so negative about America. No, no I'm not. I understand the great things about this country. One of them being that there are so many places to go if you're homeless. That is such a positive that's never talked about. We always talk about the other great things about our country like our healthcare or education systems.

But we never discuss how great it is to be homeless here. The absolute freedom, the utter joy of being homeless in a town with a high influx of tourists. Many of them will give you things you don't even have to have a weapon just look threatening. And they will call, many of them are drunk and you could push them down on the way back to their hotel and grab something from them.

So what is all the negativity about America? Things are actually pretty good. So we need to just have that campaign if you are homeless in LA. If you're unfortunate enough to be homeless in LA. I don't understand the homelessness crisis in LA because they say how many people we got on the street now? In LA County it's like 60,000.

60,000 in LA County. Here's, you know what my problem with that is? It should be a lot more. Most people I know should be homeless here. I have a conversation with someone. The first thing I do here is how do you have a home? How do you have a car? I'm shocked that half of the city is not homeless.

I mean, it's a city without any talent. Truly the dearth of talent here is mind boggling. And yet people have figured out a way. I don't know what they do. They get a job working for some rich person fingering their cat while they're on vacation and somehow they fucking they live in their back house. But the way I see it, nobody should have a fucking home here.

Airbnb is really disrupting real estate. And I know a lot about real estate. I just did a little fake business. Now you know that I do this. A lot of the audience don't know that I do. I do fake business. I call realtors all day when I'm bored and I pretend I'm a realtor

and that my client is very interested in their property and I ask them lots of questions about their property. I just did it with a commercial property on the Palm Canyon Drive. I said, hey, this is Tim. I have a client of investor that's really interested in the property. What are we looking at per square foot

and what are some of the local restrictions we should know about? And you know, these whole things, they go into this whole thing. They go, well, you know, they don't want a coffee shop in there because Starbucks has a competing business clause. So Starbucks doesn't want a coffee shop.

This is how the corporate takeover of America is, by the way, because when Starbucks moves into an area, they go, yeah, we don't need, we don't want some independent coffee shop opening. Not all areas, but a lot of them. We don't need somebody slinging lattes for less than we are. So the guy goes, well, there's the sprint stores. We can't do a competing business, blah, blah, blah.

And we talked about it. There's a lot of parking behind. I said, thank you. I said, I have an investor, but he's very concerned about, you know, the competing business clause and everything like that. And I was on the phone with this guy for about 10 minutes. And he said to me, oh, Tim,

that's cruel, their time has value. No, it doesn't. And I will continue to do fake business because I enjoy, I like doing fake business. It's one of my favorite things to do. I like to call people and I like to lie about who I am and what I do. And then I like to see how they conduct business

because on their end, they're conducting real business. I'm conducting fake business. And never the two shall meet. We've gotten to the point where I was, we're almost, one of my clients who doesn't exist was almost gonna put an offer on a house. This was last week. I've been on the phone with this realtor

for like 45 minutes, three times in a row. I've had to block her finally. She doesn't know what happened. Sometimes I have to block the people because fake business gets very intense. Fake business, people start throwing up contracts. I mean, she was calling appraisers. She was gonna have inspections done, you know,

I was representing a very motivated overseas client. Now, sadly, that client died of coronavirus before we could go see the property. That's not my fault. And I tried to explain that to her, but she was kind of confused and started saying, oh, this, you know, blah, blah, blah. Are you real?

Is this real? Cops, FBI, whatever, blah, blah, blah, blocked, blocked. I'm helping train these professionals. Do you understand? Yes or yes? I, by calling them, people need practice. So this schmuck over there on Palm Canyon, I did use my real name, by the way.

Like this is Tim Dillon. And sometimes I make up a firm name. Sometimes I use a real firm name. Sometimes I just say, this is Tim Dillon with futures. He goes, what? And I go, futures investment. He goes, okay. Just go, okay.

You go, yeah, all right. I go, yeah, you got a commercial listing on Palm Canyon on the corner. I'm wondering what we're looking at, price per square foot. What's the parking area like? What's the competing business clause? Well, any local restrictions we should know about.

I have a team of investors that are looking to expand into this area. Many of them, sometimes it's a franchise, sometimes not. But I'm just, you know, it's an investment group. They're very interested. They love the visibility of the location. Oh, he goes, this is a great location. So they love the visibility of the location.

And so you're right there. We're beginning to do fake business. Because then he goes to his wife. He goes, eh, I just got a call from a guy that may be interested in this. And then he tells his secretary. And then he tells his partner. So I'm in.

I'm in and I'll give him a follow-up call later tonight. I'll have 10 more bullet point questions. Before I bring my investment, I do this. A lot of people, I was explaining to someone at dinner that I did, I do this. And he goes, it's horrible. I said, why? I'm doing fake business.

They go, why? I said, I like doing it. So I don't have a real estate license. And I can't do real business, but I at least can do fake business. They said, that's pretty sick. I said, maybe you're sick because I want realtors to get the best professional.

I want your golf a lot, right? When you golf, when you golf every day, are you better at it? Yes, absolutely. Now that doesn't mean, now even that includes going to a driving range. Sure. Right.

Correct. Right. Sometimes I see golfers swing clubs in their backyard. Helps. Helps. Doesn't matter if it's real or fake. What matters is that this guy's going through the moat. The next guy to call him might be real.

But I'm going to beat that guy out. I'm going to do a competitive offer because I conduct fake business well. And many people don't. A lot of people do things. People go on fake diets. I've done a ton of them. People do all kinds of things that aren't real.

People are fake comedians. They pretend to be a comedian for a decade and impoverish themselves and live on a floor and walk dogs. Fine. That's all. When you go home to your family for Thanksgiving and you go, I'm a comedian.

If they're eating and they're like, no, you're not. You're pretend to be your fake comedian. I am a fake real estate investor. And I will continue to do fake business. So if you get a call from a guy that sounds like me, just be forewarned. The deal's not closing. The deal's not closing.

I have an interest in presenting myself. I have a lot of clients when I do fake business. They're very busy. Many of them are overseas. They cannot handle... I mean, we should probably get the phone and do a little fake business right now. Maybe we could get our phone.

Can you get the phone? Let's do a little fake business. Because I don't think people understand what I bring to the table and how good I really am. Do you have my... Is that my phone? Let me call this guy back. How do we get him in the rocaster? Is he in the rocaster?

Hello? Hey, Adam. Tim Dillon. How are you? We spoke about the property on Palm Canyon a few minutes ago. Yeah, I hate to. How's it going? Good, buddy. How are you? I wanted to know if there's a list of...

The competing clause. My client's asking me if there's a list of people who are in the rocaster. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So my client's asking me if there's a list of businesses, whether it's Starbucks sprint, things like that, that we could kind of figure out what the restrictions are, just so I could kind of email that to them because he wants to

show it to the, the, his investors. If that's possible. Also is there a way they can get out to see the proper property. Maybe later in the week. Yeah. Yeah. I will just go to the center right now and send you a quick list of all the businesses.

I would appreciate that. Let me ask you a question too. How long has this probably been on the market? I haven't, I haven't looked it up yet. Yeah. I've been marketing it for maybe. I think we, I just signed it like right when COVID hit. And then I delayed it for like two or three months.

So I said maybe like two or three months now. Okay. And what, before you had it, was it, was it sitting there for a while or now they always like to know these things. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I know banner mattress was there up until recently.

Okay. So I know there's a mattress right across the street. Yeah. I saw that. Is this, would this be a five year lease or what do we, what are they looking for in terms of commitment? Yeah. Really just depends on the, the tenant and the rate.

Things like that. Obviously the longer the commitment or better we can do on the rate. But you know, I think they're open right now. Okay. And I imagine they're, I imagine they're open to some form of negotiation at, you know, given the climate. Of course.

Okay. Well, I appreciate that. We're here to do deal. Yeah. Me too. But I mean, me too. It's a little wild out there. You know, are you guys mainly commercial?

You do any residential? I do a bit of both. Okay. Good. Yeah. You gotta be kind of a generalist out here. I agree. I'm just starting to get interested in this area.

And I think it's because, you know, LA's had a lot of problems and a lot of my, a lot of my clients, I do business primarily in Los Angeles and a lot of people are starting to look at this area. And, you know, a lot of them are excited about maybe jumping into something here, you know, because the high season, I imagine it's what January through, through June.

Yeah. Generally through April is our high, high season. Right. Like right now, like September through April, you know, so we have kind of, we kind of have like a shoulder mid season, which is September through December. Right.

And then January to April just crushes and then Coachella is obviously stage coach and April and that kind of, you know, and we have in Memorial Day weekend, July 4th, even during the summer, we do pretty well. Of course. I appreciate that. Well, listen, I have you guys, I have your website. I'm going to shoot you an email just again,

introducing myself. And then if you could just get me a list of some of those competing business clauses, just so I can show it to them. And hopefully they'll get out to see it sometime next week. You know, they're, they're super interested. One of them lives out here in Rancho and they pass it all the time. So they, they had me just kind of reach out to you and see what was going on, but they're pretty motivated.

And again, I think it's all about, you know, how restrictive those clauses are. Yeah. I think they're going to be pretty flexible. So I'll shoot you businesses. Yes. And we'll see if we can do something. Okay.

I appreciate it. Adam, thanks a lot for your time. All right. Thank you. So it's fake business and I'm doing it well. I'm doing it well. Let's be honest. I'm doing it well.

I'm protecting the interests of my clients. Am I not protecting the interests of my clients when I conduct fake business? My fake clients are important and they need to be protected. I want them to have the maximum amount of freedom in any given situation. You understand? Start doing fake business.

It'll change your life. I'm telling you that right now. Start doing it. No one can start. You don't need a license. You just need a phone and a computer and you can start doing fake business. Set up a fake email address.

I have one. Start doing fake business right now. It's the gateway to real business. Are you bored? Are you sitting around at home? You don't know what to do? Build a fake empire of whatever business you choose. You don't need any type of license to do this.

You can just call people and be the person you've always been meant to be. I think I've always meant to be sort of a rainmaker putting together deals. Guy with a six pack and a huge cock. Fucking people of every gender. Doesn't matter. Maybe connected to intelligence.

Maybe not power broker type of guy. And that's what I know. Of course I am not that. I'm negotiating commercial real estate mattress transactions in Rancho Mirage. It doesn't always. Fake business doesn't always work out the way you want it to. I wanted to be fake CIA.

I can't do that. But I'm a fake realtor in the fucking desert. Even your fake life will not be as great. You see. Even your pretend. Even in my pretend life. I'm just a shitty realtor looking to sniff out a buck. But I know who I am.

I know who I am in my real life and my fake life. And that's what's the most important thing. Set the expectations for your fake business. High but reasonable. This is my advice to you. Gary van your chuck tells you to start a real business. Oh I say no. No.

I say start a fake one. Start a pretend business. You can do everything that you will do in a real business. There's much less risk. Sure these people get upset after a while after you've called them 17 or 18 times. You have to make up stories about what happened to your investor. Why didn't show up to the showing. You were in the hospital.

It's easy to do. I'm just telling you it's important. Oh Tim these people's time is valuable. No it's not. No it's not. They love it. All they do all day is talk to 90 people. One of them signs a contract.

I'm one of the fake people. Until the contract is signed all business for intents and purposes is fake business. And I am one of the best. That's what I've been doing here to keep myself sane. I mean right now I'm negotiating a strip mall in Connecticut. You see that's much more. Much more complex. Because there's many different storefronts.

You see. See what I mean. As you get better at fake business you have to start looking things up. You got to know tax numbers. You got to know profit and loss. I mean you got to really know your stuff. If you want to start talking to real people. I have some real deal people I talk to.

They're legit. They make real money. And they think I'm a realtor. You know. They think I represent an investment group. So that's what I think you should do. If I had to choose how you spend your time. It would be that.

But LA is getting tougher to live in. It's getting harder to justify living here. Many people are leaving. The state tax in Los Angeles is 13%. 13% state tax. And then it goes up. They're trying to make it 17%. That's almost 20% of your money for high earners.

High earners are people that earn a million dollars a year. Now obviously we're not crying for anyone that makes a million dollars a year. But if you're making a million dollars a year in a business where you don't have to be in California. And you can go somewhere else and not pay really high taxes. It would be one thing if the high taxes led to people having better lives. That's what interested many people about Bernie Sanders. He was from outside of the system. He was going to come in.

We're all going to pay higher taxes. But people are going to be able to start getting health care and coverage. And it was going to be a transition. And it might take years. Maybe even a decade. And there would be some pain involved. But at the end of that situation. Perhaps.

I don't know if it would have worked or not. It was worth maybe trying. At the end of that situation you were going to potentially have coverage for people. And then if you're going to pay higher taxes. The idea of having health coverage makes a lot of sense. To just pay higher taxes so that we can continue to build drones to bomb kids playing soccer in Pakistan. Doesn't make any sense to me. Okay.

These pretend wars. But by the way, what do you think the government is doing out there? Fake business. Doing a lot of fake wars. That we don't need to fucking fight. And we're paying for it. If these taxes went to something that was actually verifiable. Maybe people would be more into it.

I don't know where we're going to end up. I don't know. Ben is from Texas. He's ready to go back there. He's ready to go back. Get baptized again. Start speaking in tongues. He'll do it.

He'll do it. They put him right in the lake. He wants to go down there and stare at the sun. Go into the woods. See the devil. Fight him. Maybe lose. But show up for the fight.

He remembers that. That's how he grew up. And he might go back to that. I might put him right back in a cult. I might start a mega church. Yes. I'll be a great mega church pastor. Great tent preacher.

Sweaty. A tent. I can be so good at that. He has never forgotten about you. But you have forgotten about him. He has never forgotten. You stay that over and over again. Whip him up into a frenzy.

This thing. By the way, so Airbnb. Here's the way I want to talk about Airbnb right now. Because Airbnb is very interesting. And then we're going to talk about that satanic house on Airbnb. Because I think that's very funny. When somebody went to an Airbnb and said, I think I'm about to be sacrificed.

So they left. A lot of long-term rentals on Airbnb right now are, are, are, are really fairly priced. Especially in big cities like New York or LA. A lot. And I learned this from James Altucher, the guy who wrote that New York is dead article, who is a part owner investor in the standup New York Massad scam.

It is a comedy club in New York City, which is a front to send weapons to the idea, which is fine. But let's, let's call things what they are. And James Altucher said, people are getting great deals, long-term Airbnb is you do not, you don't have to. There's no broker fee. There's no credit.

There's no bullshit. It's no risk for the people renting out because you pay up front. And your credit is your reviews on Airbnb. So that's probably what I'll do for the next six months to a year because I find out where I want to live or where I'm going to go. I'll just hop around to different Airbnb's. Obviously, if you have a family, that's harder, but it is much easier now to do two or three month rentals in Airbnb's.

You could hop around from area to area to see which one you really like. They're all furnished. They're, you know, you look at the reviews, they're well reviewed. If you're well reviewed and you're not going in and trashing people's homes, you don't have to deal with realtors, brokers, broker fees, credit, financial documents, any of that shit. You don't have to show up with tax returns. There's no approval process.

It's so simple. This is the perfect way to do it. It really is. Now, the problem is you got to come up with the money up front. But if you could do something within your budget and you have a couple of months of rent saved, boom, just like that, you're in. It's not a big deal. But that is really interesting what is happening.

And you look at all these realtors. You're like, well, what are all these realtors going to fucking do? What are all these real estate agents going to do? Take a primarily cater to the rental market, you know, like Uber, Airbnb. And this is really the thing with capitalism. It's like, you do have these real, it is kind of an issue here where you just have these companies that are very efficient. They come into a market.

They disrupt it, which I hate that word, but that is what's happening. And then they realign the market so that they trim the fat. And the fat is a lot of people's livelihoods. A lot of people make a living on that fat, chewing on that fat. And a lot of companies and these tech giants that are worth billions of dollars employ very few people compare. So then you think maybe the realtors transition into property managers. Maybe they transition into, maybe, you know, the cleaning crews now are working,

you know, especially because of COVID, but also, you know, they have to flip the property and they have to go in there and clean. You know, there may be places, jobs for people to transition to, I hope so. You know? And that's, you know, that's what I see happening. It's very interesting. I spoke to somebody real estate and they're like Airbnb is very interesting. And it's taking a lot of, a lot of the process, which is annoying.

The process, you don't have to go see the house. You don't have to do it. You just look at the pictures. They're high def. People go, the pictures look exactly like the house. You read the reviews, you go, good, I'm in. That's it. It's easy.

You pay a cleaning fee, you pay up front and then you're just kind of in. You can stay there two, three, four months, whatever, you know, they could stay a month, say, fuck it. I hate it. I'm going somewhere else. You know, and this really works for people that don't have a lot of shit. If you have a lot of stuff, I live out of a bag. I have clothes.

That's it. I don't want to furnish anything ever. Truly. I have no interior design. You know, it's the least gay thing about me that I don't like interior design. Also that I look and sound the way I do. But I don't care. I want to buy a furnace.

That's if I go to Texas, I'm getting a furnished place. Somebody else will furnish it. Somebody else will do it. Couples love doing that. Couples like walking around stores. They have nothing to do. I don't know. I think, is this the lamp that we like?

Is this that? Is that this is what it is? I don't have any time. I'm doing fake business and trying to save the world. I'm entertaining people. I don't give a shit about the coffee table. Does it work? Airbnb is very interesting.

So this guy, Frederick Joseph. Who is he? By the way, this guy Frederick Joseph. Let's see who he is. I like him. All through the black friend Forbes. Under 30. Marketer, founder.

Former national surrogate for Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Fair enough. Okay. I like this guy because I like when people invite you into their private lives to make a public point. I like this. I'm going to read his whole thread here on Twitter. He's trying to get a refund from Airbnb, but I've kind of done things like this.

I give up because I want to just insult the company and lie about what happened more than I actually want my money back. So I will, you know, I was famously in a feud with Dan Kim, the CEO of Red Mango frozen yogurt. Um, and then I would, I would say that I was raped in his store. And to me, it was more important because I just said, let us make our own yogurt because they still made it for you at Red Mango. You know, it was the heyday of self-serve and this motherfucker went, so then I just started

claiming I was being raped in his store and that there were rapes happening in store. Now that was more important to me than any type of real change. Do you see what I mean? I was just trying to use buzzwords to get attention and to upset him. I just want to upset people on social media more than I want to get something. Frederick Joseph says, we just drove three hours. My eight year old, wait a minute. We just drove three hours.

My eight year old brother for a getaway. Okay. Another thing folks, let's do the grammar a little bit if we're going to go out and call me and try to make a little money, which I have nothing against. We just drove three hours. My eight year old brother for getaway in the house. We arrived at, ended up having seemingly satanic items and stuff for witchcraft rituals. We had to leave because my brother and the rest of us were frightened,

but Airbnb won't refund me thread. So now the first four pictures are a Bahamut. So go up here. We got a Bahamut, which is creepy because it's got, it's the goat figure with the satanic pentagram and then two children looking up at Bahamut. And the next one is a picture of a goat. It is creepy. The people that own this house are probably Satanists, but many Satanists aren't really

dangerous. They're annoying. They're just people that tried to get into something because they couldn't figure anything else out. They're like, I'm going to put a bunch of candles around my apartment. Hopefully my life now has meaning. Spoiler alert. It does not.

It does not. Your embrace of the dark arts not withstanding. Go to work, please. I rented this house to do writing and spend time with my fiancee, brother and cousin already. I don't love that idea already. I don't love the idea of you going with your fiancee, brother and cousin to do right. Why are you going somewhere to do writing with three other people? I don't believe you're doing any writing.

Be honest. I rented the house to work out and I, and I brought with me a cake. It doesn't make any sense. I call out companies all the time, but again, I'm never looking for a refund. I'm just looking to get someone in the company very nervous about something even for a split second. And then they find out I'm a comedian and then move on. But even for just a split second, if somebody at Red Mango has to read the words, I was

sexually assaulted in your frozen yogurt shop. And I started doing this because I had the chocolate sorbet soft serve, which had sorbetol in it, a sugar alcohol, which made me shit myself for 72 hours. Like I had dang gay fever. I basically had malaria. Okay. It was not nice. So then in order to kind of right the wrong there, I then started tweeting at Red Mango

that I was viciously attacked. I had to delete the tweets. I was in danger of being removed from Twitter. I rented this house to do some writing, lie and spend time with my fiancee brother and cousin. It seemed like a nice place. Pretty basic layout from the listing pictures below. But as we drove up, we noticed there were no other houses in the area.

Just run down shacks and no phone signal. Now, what do you think, Ben? Ben, you think everything's satanic, Benjamin? Every time we see a gnarled branch of a tree, Ben thinks it's a scene at a true detective because he's always looking for Satan. That's what he's always looking for Satan. You just want someone to care about him, even if that person's trying to kill him. He just wants somebody other than his lovely wife.

He just wants somebody out there to notice him besides me. And he thinks that person will be the Dark Lord. What a lofty ideal. You think Satan's trying to find you? She can go golf? Does this seem weird to you that there was nowhere else up there? No, this is just people trying to be edgy, right? I think so.

But let's go on. We're not done with this yet. Okay? Okay. When we walked up to the house, we noticed an animal skull hanging on the outside of the house. By the way, I had an experience like this. I had an Airbnb in Montauk, and it was all Native American stuff. And I'm not saying that Native Americans are Satan,

but they've got some animal skulls and some things. It was a motif. The decor was not for me, especially because it was a white woman named Sarah. Okay? Now, you know the way I feel about cultural appropriation. I think it's bullshit. But I do get uncomfortable when a pretty peppy white chick serves me chicken and waffles.

I want a mean middle-aged black woman who's seen things to hand me my chicken and waffles. Okay? And I want her to call me sugar. And then I want her to go in the back of the restaurant and say, call me that big motherfucker. I don't want some girl who went to Oberlin College. I don't want somebody named Sarah, renting out a shack in Montauk and fucking, you know, thinking she's Pocahontas

because she's threw a bunch of fucking quilts in it. Sarah, you're the person that gave them the small pucks blankets. You. When I walked to the, when I walked, I went to the basement and found more animal skulls and ritualistic floor markings. Where are they? Do you have photos of them? I don't think so.

And then I went up to the rooms to find much more. It is a creepy house a little bit. As you walk through the two rooms, you find a bunch of imagery, candles, books, et cetera, for rituals. And what looked like devil worship. My brother was terrified as were we. We called Airbnb. See, I would have fun if I was a Satanist and I had this type of house. It is creepy.

I would put a picture of John Podesta in the kitchen and a picture of Hillary Clinton. Just fun. Have a little fun with it. Have a little fun with it. We called Airbnb and told them we couldn't stay there and explain the situation. Keep going down. We were told that we couldn't receive a refund. And they spoke to the owner who said they were just a few small art pieces and that they could come remove.

This was a lie. It was a whole damn house. Not a few things. A bahamut hidden behind a dead bird in a bag. There was also a bridge from the woods behind the house to the back patio. Needless to say, we left because we are black. I don't know what that is. I don't understand anything.

But I guess it's like a movie. Like you're like, this is a horror movie. We're black. We know this works. But I get it. Black, white, Asian, whatever. Pacific Islander. Norse people.

Nordics. Whatever. Who's ever out there? I understand this is creepy. Needless to say, we left because we were black and not dealing with something that was one. Advertise. Completely different. Wouldn't it be funny if you went to the Airbnb listing and they were like, it literally says

Satan's lair. You know, there's some angry Airbnb person. It's like, it says Satan's lair in the description. It says for losers who couldn't finish a screenplay that now have an interest in fucking Satanism. Weird German philosophers and the dark arts. Looks like a scene from hereditary. Made the entire family feel unsafe. All of that to say this isn't how guests should be treated.

I use Airbnb frequently and there are many reasons in this situation which would warrant a refund, especially our safety, mental, emotional health. So a lot of people, we close that out. But there's a lot of people on Twitter that are now like, hey, fuckface, crosses make me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, I saw that. I go to Airbnb all the time. There's lots of religious artifacts that make me feel uncomfortable. Why should you get a refund?

I walk in the house. I see Buddha's. I see all kinds of statues that are not in line with my religion. I don't know which side I come down on this. I think it's a little creepy. And then people are like, welcome to the country. It's like, that's not it. That's not the take, dummy.

City guy doesn't understand the country. It's a creepy house. We would have stayed in it. Yes. We would have stayed. I would not have asked for a refund. You know, I'd fill that house with a bunch of people to make the Satan Satan is scared. Stand up comedians.

Desperate, sad comics. You think a human sacrifice is scary? If you ever seen somebody over 40 do a tick tock. That ain't good either. That ain't nice either. But I would have stayed there. I don't think I would have asked for a refund. I don't believe in that black magic where I don't think you can get me.

I'm a baby. I'm protected. I'm protected. The light of the Lord. I will redecorate that house in MAGA. Fuck. They'll come back to that Airbnb. They'll come back to that Airbnb.

Guess who's on the porch? That looks like Tim Dillon and Candace Owens. And we're singing that Martina McBride song. Independent. Let freedom ring. Let the wonder of sing. Let the whole world know that today Oscar's got an AK. Today of reckoning.

What if I just replaced all the Bahamats with pictures of Oscar in a MAGA hat? Stop being a pus about everything. So Satanists own a house. They might have sacrificed a few people. I don't care. I'm glad they're in the country. Whatever. Mind your beeswax.

My friend Josh's Jewish mother just said all the time. Mind your beeswax. She also said once I was eating French toast it was disgusting. She was, have you ever had such Jewish cooking? It's like this is horrible. Eileen, this is horrific. It's very, very bad. The holla is not sufficiently submerged in,

that's the thing about keto and I've been on it for a few days. And the mental clarity I have is good. And, you know, Ben is still eating sugar because he's weak and weak people constantly, you know, go back to what makes him comfortable. But I have no problem turning out and really holding myself accountable and kind of running my body like a machine. I'm not on this like a machine, not the machine, of course, that's Bert. But I, it is interesting. And you start, you think of carbs.

Like it's a little, you just, you kind of, you kind of look at carbs you never ate. You never cared about. And they seem like enticing and alluring. What's your favorite breakfast carbohydrate? If you had to pick a breakfast carbohydrate, let me give you the options. Okay. So you don't say something completely absurd and derail the entire broadcast, as you've done many times before, which is why Lee Syat will be here very soon.

Lee's coming. I'm shipping Lee Syat in FedEx. He'll be joining the program. Oh, he's here right now. Hello. You stay there until we're ready. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Height means nothing. I like Lee. I love Lee and Joey and the church and then whatever it is, whatever else. I love everyone. My love for everyone is immeasurable. You can't measure it. Can you measure it? Correct.

What is your favorite? The choices of pancakes, waffles and French toast. Oh man. What? Well, why are you shocked that those are the choices? I thought you were going to throw bagel in there. Okay. Are you ready?

Pancakes, waffles, French toast. Those are the choices. It's pancakes for sure. Very interesting. Let me explain to you the breakfast carbohydrate pyramid. For those of you who are out there who are not on keto that might want to indulge in these things. Pancakes are. They are the most edible because they are made well with the highest frequency.

Okay. You go out and order pancakes. They're good 80% of the time. The waffle. You go down to 50%. Now French toast. Now here's the fucking thing. Listen up.

If done well. If executed perfectly without a fucking smidgen of inaccuracy. It has to be done to the T. Every morsel perfect. French toast is the best. If it is really done well. But it is rarely done well. French toast is only done well 30% of the time.

These are scientific figures from being fat for 20 years. 25 years. These are scientific figures. Studies I've done across the country doesn't matter. Across the world. French toast can be amazing. The best type of French toast really is there's all kinds of breads you can use for French toast. But really good is just that white trash wonder bread type of French toast.

That's really good ton of butter in a pan. Nice and soft. Store bought syrup. Never that Vermont shit. It's never as good. That gooey, you know. What is it basically? That syrup is basically just high fructose corn syrup.

That's all it is. You know. And that's really good. But if you have truly transcendent French toast. I'm talking about little orange rind. Little orange zest. Little Tahitian vanilla. Like there's a few things that can be done.

The French toast that make it. It elevates French toast. Pancakes are amazing. Respect. Love a waffle. Love a Belgian waffle. Soft, fat Belgian waffle in America. Not the hard shit they know on in Brussels.

Fuck you. Oh, it's the Lige waffle. You shut the fuck up. We know you love Hitler. But waffles are often too crispy. They're burnt. They're dry. They're not good.

They become crackers. You dip in syrup. It's a problem. Pancakes can get too fat. Too fluffy. Too breaded. Too dry. They need to have a life to them.

The best pancakes are the Clinton Street Baking Company in New York City. Why? Because they're soft in the middle. But on the outsides, they have that little hardened brown butter loop. And that is hardened because it is the way your parents used to make them. Because parents, the butter would not go in the pan. They didn't know the butter was all over the pan. And it would kind of unevenly kind of cook the pancake.

So when you're eating the pancake from the Clinton Street Baking Company, you remember when you thought there was love in the world. That's why they're so good. Because you remember when the world made sense and you thought there was love. And now, of course, you realize that those were childish fantasies. That we are living in hell and we are all demons. But that pancake makes you feel better. There's a great place called Burnt Toast in Algonquin, Illinois.

They make a phenomenal French toast. Get Burnt Toast up right now. Let's give Burnt Toast a little free fucking advertising. My friend, we dropped his hooker girlfriend back off there. She's not a hooker. She was a stripper. She was kind of a hooker. It doesn't matter.

She's in jail. We call her Blagojevic. She has a couple of kids, different races. She's very woke. We respect her. The point is this. We went there to drop her dogs off to her. And I had breakfast at this place.

This place is such a fucking good breakfast place. They have Grand Marnier French toast there. And let me tell you right now, it'll change your fucking life. Where is it? What's going on? I don't love these new pictures. What's happening? I got French toast sticks here.

No, I don't like that at all. Interesting. I don't like this at all. Something's happening and I don't like it. I'm about to launch into a dye tribe that is against you. Can you just Google image Burnt Toast, Elgin, Illinois, French toast? Let's try to find this Elgin. Yeah.

I don't know why it's not, it's not coming up here. Send me a photo. Do you have Yelp or TripAdvisor or anything? Let's go on Yelp. Go on Yelp because this is great French toast. And if you send me a picture of your banana bread French toast, I will do absolutely nothing, but I will repost it. If you're in that area, this is if you really want to get some killer French toast out there

if you're in Chicago, if you're in Chicago, yeah, yeah. Want to get some good French toast here? We're going to show you how that works. It's really good breakfast place. My friend Ryan loved it. He's in rehab now. And so we could just find, let's just keep scrolling down. Let's try to find the French toast.

I don't know why this is such a fucking problem. So here, here go to the left, go left a little bit. Okay. Go down. Okay. To the right. This one? Yeah.

So this is kind of there. I think the regular French toast and it's got the banana stuff on it. This doesn't look good. And it's not photographed well. This is kind of not. I don't know. See what's Grand Marnier French toast comes with bananas and walnuts on top. So the Grand Marnier French toast is really good.

It is good. This doesn't look good. Get this out of here. X out of all of this shit. I'm sick of trying to help places that don't know how to market. Do you know how much work I put into fake business? You know how much, how many fucking, I wonder how many people could be bad at me for just calling random people. Probably no one cares.

Doesn't matter. What else is going on? We are on the road. Let's get the dates up and let's figure out where we're going to be. Come see us live. It's a lot of fun. Fort Worth hyenas comedy club Friday, September 25th. Also two shows there.

Dallas all sold out. We've added another show to get tickets to that to show Saturday. We got a Sunday show in Dallas. Nashville is selling out. We're adding a show in Nashville. Salt Lake City adding a show. Phoenix by those tickets. We don't have to add yet Tampa adding a show.

Okay. So Nashville and Tampa. We're adding shows. Phoenix are tickets still available. Nashville and Tampa. We've added a show. You can get tickets now. Dallas shows added.

You can get tickets now. West Palm Beach, October 22nd to the 24th. A lot of fun. Please show up and have jobs. Unlike those Instagram influencers I performed for. Thank you to Hila. Hila Klein. What's her name?

Hila. Hila. Hila. Yeah. She was the best audience member of them all. And she laughed and she understood language. Some of those ladies in the crowd, the whole thing, they were like this. They didn't understand.

I think if there's not a phone like this, they don't know they're alive. It's got to be a phone like this. If you hold it near them, it's like a magnet. It's like, but other than that, they're down for the count. But thank you to the H3H3 lady for being a very responsive audience member. She was a lot of fun. But again, we're going to be, we're going to be out all these places. We're going to be doing some fun shit.

And then we're kind of shutting down for the holidays. And, you know, for, we're going to do some stuff in early November to Denver, potentially some other places, but then we're shutting down for the rest of November. And then probably also for December, we're going to go back out on the road sometime next year. You know, we're going to be picking some different markets. We're going to have some overseas stuff. Hopefully spoke to a doctor today about COVID. He's like, listen, it's not political.

It should have never been political. You know, he goes, we've had 10 deaths from the regular flu in the Coachella Valley this year. So he said, listen, man, he goes, I know you don't like wearing the masks, but I go, he goes, it does help. He goes, it does help. And he goes, we're getting better at treating this over the last 60 days. He did say that the vaccines that are coming out, the three big ones, Pfizer, AstraZeneca and somebody else.

I forget Moderna, those three Moderna, Pfizer and AstraZeneca, which are the three vaccine candidates. He goes, they're very safe, but they may not be effective. He goes, when you have a vaccine, the most important thing is that it is safe because effective. It doesn't really matter if it doesn't work. It doesn't work. You just, you can get another one. But what you don't want is any adverse health effects.

And he goes, he's going to read a little bit more before he gives it to himself and his children. But he did say they've gotten a lot better at treating COVID. But he did say that they don't know what's going to happen if you have COVID and the regular flu and blah, blah, blah. I mean, the reality is the problem has become, this is such a political football for both sides that we've lost. You just go talk to a doctor. Talk to a person with a lab coat on that has a medical degree because it can be like, yeah, it's real. It fucks people up.

This is what it is. You got to, you know, distance or whatever. But also it's not the end of the world. And, you know, we will, he says we're probably six months from being kind of really out of it. We have to go through the winter. So like it's hopeful. It's also like, you know, wouldn't it be great if he said, if I said, what do you think the deal is with coronavirus? He said, lock the door.

There is no coronavirus. This is a military operation because there is a satanic pedophile cabal led by Tom Hanks. We have released this disease ourselves because the one that Hillary Clinton was going to release was going to be a lot worse. That would have killed everybody, but this is not that bad. And we're releasing it so that we can have a total shutdown of the American electrical grid in the Internet, which will allow an army of people that Donald Trump has personally selected to go and serve 120,000 subpoenas. Because even though these are satanic pedophile cannibals, we need to subpoena them. We have to indict them. We have to do this the right way, even though they are dark arts magicians that are murdering children, we have to do it the right way.

And this is why Donald Trump is in office to do this. So that's what the coronavirus is. So you don't really have to wear a mask or do any of the distancing, but just prepare yourself for the three days of darkness and for the arrests of everyone in the political system, the media and Hollywood. Now you can unlock the door. And I just look at him and I go, wow. And he goes, also, you have adult eczema. That's what I was expecting. But he actually had a pretty reasonable explanation that involved data and numbers boring, but that is what is out there.

So you got to be careful, but we're doing all of these shows are safe to the degree that they can be. They're socially distanced. You know, you got to take take responsibility. I'm going to be out there where I'm masking up on the plane wearing some bullshit face shield or whatever I have to do. And then once we get in the club, we will be funny and then we'll all leave. We're not going to do meet and greets. We're not going to hug. It's just you move on, you know, and that's going to be the solution.

We're going to run now because the episode is over. But more importantly, I have a lot of stuff to do on that commercial property right now on Palm Canyon. I have to start looking at cash flow statements, profit and loss, kind of a big deal. So I will have you ever done fake business? No, but I've seen you do it millions of times. You're not cut out for it. You're not cut out for it. That's not an insult, but you're not cut out for it.

There's a certain type of person that is cut out to build an empire that doesn't really exist. And I am that person. So anybody out there answering a phone call trying to do business, beware because I'm coming and I have the facts and the stats. And that deal is not going to close. In fact, I'm going to be like a vapor. This guy used to call me all the time. He had all these motivated clients. Whatever happened to that guy?

That guy disappeared. He was just sitting on the porch of a satanic B&B with Candace Owens and a gray cat, loading AK-47s and singing songs because the power of Christ will not be beaten. Good night.