The Tim Dillon Show - 220: 220 - Hail Mary

Episode Date: October 4, 2020

Live from Nashville, Tim talks the AI Parkland video, explains why his opener got angry at him, why he might have to leave LA, and receives the news live about Trump on air. Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 👛 WALLETS: get 10% off a ridge wallet ▶▶ https://www.r Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I am Patricia Oliver, and this is my husband Manuel. Two years ago, our beautiful son Joaquin was shot and killed at Parkland. Every day I think about him and what his last moments must have been like. Meanwhile, every day nearly 100 more families lose someone they love to God and violence. Every single day, we keep telling people it doesn't have to be like this. They don't listen. So we found a way to bring back someone that no one will ignore. It's very hard for me to look at this.

So please, please listen to what our son has to say. Yo, it's me. It's Joaquin. I've been gone for two years and nothing's changed, bro. People are still getting killed by guns. What is that? Everyone knows it, but they don't do anything. I'm tired of waiting for someone to fix it. The election in November is the first one I could have voted in,

but I'll never get to choose the kind of world I wanted to live in. So you've got to replace my vote. Go to UnfinishedVotes.com, register, then go vote. Vote for politicians who care more about people's lives than the gun lobbies money. Vote for people not getting shot, bro. I mean, vote for me because I can't. We've got to keep on fighting and we've got to end this. Well, that was fun.

I like that. I think that's fun. I think that's a good idea. I think reanimating the corpses of people to come back and make political points is a good idea. And I know many of you probably are watching this program, didn't expect me to come down on that side of the issue, but I like it. I like it. I like making technology work for us. I think it is such a cool way to get a message across,

just bring people back from the dead and put words in their mouth. And maybe, did he say his name was Guac? His name is Joaquin Oliver. But he goes by Guac. He goes by Guac. In the beginning he said, hey, it's Guac. If I die, please reanimate me and have me just slinging promo codes. I hope Ridge Wallet does it.

I hope if I die, Ridge Wallet brings me back from the dead. And I'm just like, I used to sling these wallets for years on my show. And I've been dead for three years and they're still great quality. And they're still great value. I would have bought these wallets if I was alive, but I'm not. I'm dead. I don't know. It's a little disturbing.

But I get it. They're passionate and they feel like what can we do? I would have liked if they did a rap song. If they had made Joaquin Oliver a rapper. He could have came back and did a rap song. You know, that would have been a little more impressive. I get it. You could do the, you could recreate the voice in the imagery.

Creepy. But I know it's possible, but make a hit. You really want the kids involved? Make a hit. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Have them do a talk. Bring him back.

I want him back again for a tick tock viral dance challenge. And a hit song. I respected he's got a political message, but let's take it one step further. This is the beginning of the dystopia that we discuss on this show day in and day out forever. Since we've begun talking, this is, it's materializing. Now I don't know if now that it's materializing, I'm going to have to go in like a whole other direction. Right. Because it's almost, it's like barely funny now that it's here.

You know what I mean? Like it's, like it's kind of at a point now where it's like substantially less funny that it's arrived. And it's just mouth and gape, jaw dropping. Holy shit. They are literally bringing back a dead kid to do a fucking PSA about voting. Like this is literally happening. It's real. His parents are doing that.

This is nuts. The president of the United States has COVID. The doomsday planes are in the air. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Jimmy Fallon and the Muppets are the way to go. Maybe I was wrong. I mean, it's, it's truly, I said the other night on stage where Nashville here, that's where the studio looks slightly different. The great Ben Avery flying down to make it seamless here and for you to enjoy our, you know, our lovely curtain.

Our studio's a curtain and we want you to enjoy it. And it's simple. It's like, this is like, this is a table with a cloth on it. It looks like we, it looks like we're a bunch of veterans who sat at the table in the Nassau, I mean, Nassau Coliseum in Long Island during like some type of trade show, military history, you know, show. We have all kinds of medals set up and we just want to talk to you. But I mean, when Ben showed me that this morning, I was like, well, it's here. Like, what do you do when it's here? Like everything we've discussed, I mean, it's just here now.

I don't know. You want me to do interviews with upcoming bands? I don't know. But I mean, this is really, truly 100, it's arrived. It's not on its way. It's not coming. It's not a futuristic movie. It's not an article you read.

It's not an idea. It's not a joke. It's not a prank. It is 100% in effect. It's here. The dystopian nightmare has arrived. You don't know who's talking to you if they're real. If they're dead, when they were dead.

You don't know if the people running for president are alive or dead. They're being hidden. Everybody's got COVID and then no one does. States are open and then they're not. I don't know. Reality is a, I don't know. You just, you key in. We just had this Hattie B's Nashville hot chicken.

It's disgusting. It's just disgusting. What's wrong with you people? Large swats of this country are just drunk near duels who just like some local garbage. I mean, the chicken is like so hot you can't eat it. There's only one reason to have food that hot. And that it's that you had to put so much spice into it because it's bad meat. It's bad meat.

Just fry the chicken, throw a little spice in there. It shouldn't melt your face off in the afternoon. A lot of people like that here because they're drunk and they're trying to become, you know, the next Luke Bryan. Trying to become a country music star. How sad is that? Country music is said anyway, even when it's great. So when you're failing at it, it's very, it's like comedy. It's really like stand up comedy.

When you go walking in one of these bars in Nashville, do you just see somebody with a guitar be like, hey, y'all. I got molested as a girl or whatever they sing about. I don't know, but I love country. I like country. I love it. But it is said when you first start out just like stand up comedy. You're standing in a room alone and you're revealing all these things about yourself to, you know, an audience of drunks who don't care. And then I guess you go eat Hattie B's hot chicken, which is now invading LA hot chicken.

You know, white people love somewhere. If they eat it, they feel ethnic. That's really what it is. They love eating something spicy. White women named Sarah with pit bulls love eating spicy food. They do. They love it. So we're down here in Nashville and Ben came down to put the studio together late last night as we're falling asleep.

We just got word that the president of the United States and his lovely wife, Melania Trump, who had a little whoopsie. She was on the phone and she was talking about Christmas decorations and she goes, who cares about this? Who cares about this Christmas shit? But I do it. I do it anyway. The migrant kids who cares? No one cares when Obama does this to the kids. Poor Melania Trump.

You're hot. There's some Slovenian model. You know, you fuck a billionaire. He he wipes you up. He locks you up in a golden tower. He's cheating on you. You don't care. You might be cheating on him.

Who knows? It's some type of arrangement. You're rich as fuck. Things are going well. You're going out. You're having fun. You know, all of a sudden he goes, listen, I'm going to be the president of the United States. And for a minute you think, well, that might be a little fun.

And then as you get into it, you realize what an absolute hell it is. I mean, she is the most. I don't want to be disrespectful to say she's like a mail order bride, but she's not. But let's be honest and say that if Donald Trump owned the plumbing company, if he owned the plumbing company, he's not married to Melania Trump. Probably. Right. Or many of his otherwise.

It's just what it is. I'm not. I hope I'm not blowing anyone's brains with that information. I still hope you believe in love out there. I still hope that you believe in a connection to soulmates. Eyes longingly meeting in a cafe. I hope all of those things to you are still real. But let me not, let me not mince words here.

There would be no way that Melania and Donald would be together if Donald didn't have a little bit of a fortune. He has a sizable fortune. It makes him appealing a sizable fortune and the lifestyle can make someone appealing. And now she's in the White House and she was brooding when she first got there. She wasn't really happy. She didn't like it. She was like a dump. They thought it was a dump.

You know, they said that she had to have the Obama's toilets removed. She didn't like any, you know, she thought it was like a dump because she wants to live, you know, in a gold palace opulent. You know, in the White House is, I guess, kind of plain for them, you know, because they live like that because they love the poor. Donald and Melania Trump has always had a deep affection for people that worked in the coal mines in Pennsylvania and Ohio. They love the rust belt. That's what they're about, you know, forever. And that's why they live in this opulent gold fortress on Fifth Avenue. And that's why they didn't want to move to the White House because they were like, this is a dump.

You don't want to move into this dump. But she finally got there and they had a very, I think they were kidding around when they did Christmas there. I think that's what she's talking about in this leaked phone call. Do we have that by the way? We're going to play Melania Trump's leaked phone call. I feel bad for these people. I often feel for billionaires. I know that people say I shouldn't.

I often feel for the very rich because you got to put yourself in their position. They're very rich. And all of this is just a bother. Like the idea that the guy Jeffrey that was at your house, now it's uncovered a paper that he's running a human trafficking ring. It's like, this is annoying to me. That's what being very rich feels like. They're just annoyed all the time. There's just little annoyances all the time.

Oh, that woman just slain that used to come to the house. She used to have a couple of drinks. It was kind of funny. She was kind of funny. Well, you're not going to believe this. She's running a human trafficking ring for the Mossad. And it's just their small annoyances that you have. You just get upset.

Like I get annoyed when, you know, the Wi-Fi at the Airbnb doesn't work. And I go, this is annoying. There's people get annoyed. So I feel bad for Milani because poor Milani Trump's now in a White House, which is a dump. She's in the dumpy White. It's not, let's be honest straight. It's not that nice. It's not that nice.

Real estate has moved on. Watch million dollar listing. What selling sunset you can do better than the White House. You can do better than a fucking old White Plain House than a bunch of school kids walk through. A bunch of fat middle Americans taking tours every day. No, thank you. So Milani is already pretty disgusted because she knows she's in the private residence. But when she wakes up every morning, she knows before COVID that there were like gross people

on the other side of the house taking a tour. She's disgusted by that. She's like, this is grotesque. She goes, I didn't leave my country to come here to be with American people. I came here to marry a billionaire and live like a bitch. Now I got to do Christmas decorations and worry about kids in the cages. So Milani is like, what the fuck's that about? Milania goes, I know some women that went in cages.

It was the best thing they ever did. Change their life. So here's a leaked phone call. I'm not a fan of leaks. I don't know where this came from. Her senior advisor. Her senior advisor. But this is just fun and you can hear in Milania's voice is what I like about it.

You can hear in Milania's voice just the frustration with the whole thing. Like what is this? Milania Trump everybody. They say I'm more uncomplicated. I'm the same like him. I support him. I don't say enough. I don't do enough.

Where I am, I'm working like a ass. I know. Christmas stuff. Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration? But I need to do it, right? Yeah, but a hundred percent. You have no choice. Okay.

And then I do it. And I said that I'm working on Christmas planning for the Christmas. And they said, oh, what about the children? They were separated. Give me a fucking break. Where they were saying anything when Obama did that? I know. I cannot go.

I was trying to get the kid reunited with the mom. I didn't have a chance. It needs to go through the process and through the law. But here's my thing. Here what you just said. Instead of that, if you just, you're messaging, you were so loved. They would not do the story. We put it out.

They would not do the story. I'm telling you. You would not believe it. They would not do the story because they are not, they would not do the story because they are against us because they are liberal media. Yeah, if I go to Fox, they will do the story. I don't want to go to Fox. Give me a break.

Give me a break. Put the kids in the cage. It's Christmas time. Give me a break with these fucking kids in the cage. We're having Christmas. I love her. I like her immediately. Don't you like her when you hear that?

I like her because you know what? She's angry. She goes, what are they saying? I'm complicit. What do you want me to do? I'm fucking this guy for his money. I'm taking his money. Melania Trump's a feminist hero.

She's stealing this guy's money while he sleeps. Now she's fucking got COVID and blaming her for the goddamn kids in the cages. I feel for her. She goes, I did the Christmas decorations. Who gives a fuck about that? Gives a shit, but I do it. And their Christmas decorations were weird. People were saying on Twitter, it looked like the upside down and stranger things.

They were comparing it to the Obama's because Obama's had like a warm Christmas thing. And the Trumps had like, I think it was like a cold winter wonderland theme. I remember that. Yeah. Melania looked like the white witch from Narnia. It was just a strange, but I like, I like a cold Christmas theme. I feel for Melania Trump. Maybe I vote for Melania.

How about that? Can I vote for just a spouse? Can I vote for Jill Biden? The spouses here have got to be better than the men. The women have got to be better than the men. Jill Biden's got to be more on the ball than him. And from what I've just heard, I think Melania is more qualified than Donald to do this. She's a fucking Slovenian gold digger.

Nobody knows more about America than a woman like that who comes over and marries Donald Trump. Nobody understands this country better than her, by the way. People want a shit on her. She gets it. She knows what motivates people, what animates them. I mean, the Doomsday Plains are up in the air. Ben told me, and what, now these Doomsday Plains, and they activated them after Trump got COVID. And they didn't want anyone to freak out.

They didn't want anybody upset about this. They just said, it was a coincidence. It's a coincidence. It's happenstance. It's just one of those things that happened. We just put the Doomsday Plains up in the air because we like to fly. We like to fly them around, see what happens. It's just a Doomsday Plain.

And why do we call it the Doomsday Plain? No reason. Now, these are the planes that are, what do they cost? It's something absurd. So I'm like 220 million. 220 million dollars. And the plane is supposed to be able to withstand, what, like nuclear radiation and... Yeah.

In the event of a nuclear war disaster or other large-scale conflict that threatens key military and government infrastructure, they're used by the airborne command posts. Oh, good. And there's four of them. There's four Doomsday Plains. Do we know how many of them have been activated? All of them? I'm not sure.

Let me look that up. We don't know. It's hard to know, folks. I've got my opener on the road with me, Dan Carney. He got upset with me last night because I was going in on sports journalists. And I was suggesting that people like Jamele Hill weren't geniuses. Really funny. I was...

It's sports. It's... What are we doing? It's... There are smart people that are athletes. Let's get this out of the way for all of you that are angry at me. You go, oh, Tim, you're fat and you're not an athlete. And that's why you're gonna...

No, no. I am an athlete. I'll beat you in a swim race. I was a great athlete, third fastest butterflyer on Long Island at seven years old. That counts. That kid doesn't matter. I'm fat. Now it counts then.

I was winning then. You've never won. But a journalist who covers basketball is not an intelligent human being. Enough. They're not bright. It's what it is. Most journalists who cover politics aren't bright. There's like five of them that I respect.

But let's stop. But here's the problem. This little guy, who I love, is great. But, you know, he had like a basketball podcast. You know what they do is they get... You can't tell anyone under 30 right now that they're not the greatest thing to have existed on Earth. Because they think it's abuse. They stare at you like you're abusing them.

If you tell them that they are not the reincarnation of Jesus Christ on the planet. So when he goes... Everybody likes things they can talk with authority about. Sure. You know what I mean? People like things they can speak with authority about. So when I was denigrating people to talk about sports professionally for money, he got a little mad at me because he's got it.

You know, he had a basketball podcast with his very attractive friend. I used to tune in every now and then because the friend is like insanely attractive. And then, you know, of course, there's the one that I usually spend time with. But they're just not. I mean, sports are important. We need them as a country. They're good. I'm all for that.

Competition, blah, blah, blah. With it all. They're very smart people that are coaches and I get that. But when you talk about the people that are sports journalists, I mean, I don't know how many real geniuses you have in that crew. Am I? Is that controversial statement? I don't think so. Are people angry at me?

I like Bob Costas. He's kind of... He's pretty smart. Yeah. Brian Gumbel. I mean, I'm not saying there aren't smart people out there. Bill Simmons. Yeah, Bill Simmons.

Yeah, there's a lot of smart people. But by and large, on the whole, let's cut it out. What are they analyzing? Balls going in a hole. That's what they're doing. No, there's more to it than that. Not really. Not really.

It isn't. Am I wrong here? They're analyzing a game that can be played by children. It's not, but it can be understood by a child. That's why children play sports. Children don't play war and peace. They don't play geopolitics because they don't understand it, but they can understand sports because it's pretty simple.

There is a hoop. The ball will now go in the hoop. Is that not what's being analyzed? Am I wrong here? Is there something deeper than that? I know what the SJW shit and the politics everybody wants to, you know, pretend. But let's be very honest here.

I mean, you love golf. Are you going to get mad at me if I say golf is simple? No. If I'm writing about it as a journalist, is it relatively simple? No, you're whacking a little ball in the woods. Tiger Woods dad at four years old said, you're going to be great and he got great.

I turn it to the same thing to his ex-wife, Tina. Said, you're going to be great and she got great. I'm not talking about methods. It doesn't matter. I turn it. Didn't say to Tina, go out to honey and figure it out in your own time. He said, let's get it moving. And what happened?

Legend. What happened to Tiger Woods? Legend. But how complex is this? This isn't the Cold War. It's golf. It's fucking basketball. Cut it out.

No, Tim, it's, you don't like sports. You're gay and gay people don't appreciate sports. I love the sports, the drama, the competition. I get it. Just don't come around and tell me. People that recap reality shows are also not bright. Am I hurting anyone's feelings when I say that?

People whose main job is to do a recap of a reality show. These are not terribly intelligent human beings. They're crafty and savvy. Maybe there's many of them all over the place on social media. But the first words I think of are not intelligence. When somebody's breaking down a scene that happened on Love Island or whatever horror is being delivered to us. There's not a lot of smart people on this planet.

There's not. There's a very small, there's a very small group. It is a curse that I want to, I don't want to be one of them. I'd rather not be one of them. I'd rather not be one of the smart people. I don't want that. I'd rather have a huge dick and a six pack and not know anything. But I am an oracle of wisdom.

Oh no! I didn't know that was going to happen. But it happened. People get mad at me because they don't think that I respect their basketball podcast enough. Stavi, baby, has a basketball podcast. I'm sure it's fine, but Stavi wouldn't tell you this is a genius level. Because we're talking about sports, which is not complex. It's not that complicated.

People make it to be very complicated. It's not that complicated, by the way. You have a lot of money. You buy the good players. Some of them get hurt. You got to buy other ones. Am I, I'm going to get so much hate for this, but I don't, I don't, I don't understand it. It's relatively, we, I get it.

I love athlete. Like I like, I'm really impressed by somebody that gets up every day and puts work into their, their ability to do something physically. I think that is great. I'm a big proponent of that. But again, are they the brightest people? No. No, in fact, being dumb is a great asset. If you're an athlete, it's so, so important to be kind of dumb.

If you're an athlete, if you think you're going to think your way out of winning. I'm telling you, if you're too intelligent, it's a curse. You got to be into the physicality, the body, the, the moving around the, the, the, the just focus tunnel vision every day ball hole. You can't be with your mind at going in 10 different directions. You can't be a deeply contemplative person. I think it helps to be a little dull, little dense. We don't want, and that's where you see athletes. They're gorgeous and they're beautiful.

We love them. We need them. But you don't, they're not, you know, they're not exactly the smartest people. It's true. I'm telling you the truth. You don't want the truth. You go somewhere else. Don't get mad at me.

I felt bad. This little guy got mad. He talks when, when, you know, he'll make a point with sports. He gets in a tone and he's like, well, what do you have to understand? Shut up. What are you saying? Are you on the team? Are you on the team?

Are you making money from the team? Then what are we doing here? What I have to understand? What do I have to understand about the Golden State Warriors? What do I really have to understand? What's essential that I understand? Okay. Not much.

But you can't, you can't talk to somebody who's young and tell them that. I mean, it's also like, I've done this rant before. I'm not going to do it again. But men treat sports like women treat fashion. They all like it. They all think that there's some job in it for them. And in many cases, there's not. Okay.

You're not going to be Dave Portnoy and you're not going to be fucking Tory Burch. It's just what it is. Every fucking girl's running around college going, I love fashion. I want to work in fashion. And a lot of guys like, I want to be a sports agent because they like sports. Everybody likes sport. It's like majoring in tits. You like pussy too?

I mean, I don't, but it's pretty popular. I mean, that's what people like. I like fashion. What do you mean? You like being hot. Right. No fat chick ever says that. No grotesque monster goes, I like fashion.

I love fashion. They don't love fashion. Hot chicks like fashion because they like looking hot. It's not a job. I mean, it is a job. Melania. But the reality is so people just lose their minds when you, when you tell them, I mean, this guy, I think he majored in like exercise science or something major than the elliptical.

I mean, the guy, I mean, this is a major now. Sports medicine and what toy was sports medicine? What is that jerking off an ex major league baseball player? Is that what we're doing? He majored in that something. You know, I get here's what the hell is that major? Here's your knee cream. What are we doing?

But that's what he majored in. He majored in fitness and I don't know the philosophy of the treadmill weight training. You know, I don't get it. They studied what Proust had to say about the ketogenic diet. I don't know. I'm just saying it's not a major and you not intelligent. I get it. You're all you're good looking.

I appreciate that and I respect that and you all have discipline. But don't come at me and get mad at me for just saying a little bit of truth. Audiences in Nashville have been fine. They've been good. We saw that six shows. They have not been as amazing as Texas. I've been really getting into Texas. We're really thinking about, we're thinking about maybe moving Los Angeles.

We talked about this earlier today. We're thinking about getting out of California. And it's part of it is the economic collapse, the fires, the homelessness, the civil unrest, the racial tension, the policing, the lack of freedom, the dirt, the diseases that are coming back, the high cost of living, the high property tax burden, the high income tax burden, the mismanagement of the state, the political issues, the earthquakes, the tectonic issues. That's just to name a few negatives.

The death of Hollywood, how embarrassing it is to even be in this business. The idea that everything is independent now and you don't have to be in Los Angeles to get any opportunities. And nobody's giving you any opportunities. You give them to yourself. And the opportunities you get can get taken right away. And we're thinking about moving it. And I've got to be honest with you, for no other reason, and me and Ben literally just threw a fuck.

We looked at America and we threw a fucking pin at the country and we didn't even know where it was going to go. We're thinking about maybe Austin, Texas. And it's just, we threw a pin and the room was dark and the map was dark and we just threw a pin and I said, what is that? And it was Austin, Texas. And it's so, and again, I don't know if we'll know anyone there. I don't know if anyone we know lives there, probably not.

We'll probably be alone. We'll probably be the biggest podcast in Austin, Texas if we move there. I'm not saying we will, but I imagine if we do, we'll be number one. Pretty quickly. But maybe we'll go there. I don't know, I spoke to a realtor, I called a realtor, but you know me, I do a little fake business. I don't know if it becomes real business, but I am a little sick of the idea.

When you sit in LA and you sit in these restaurants and you watch how silly this town is, how sad it is. In LA, you have two extremes of people. You have 16 year olds who've just arrived, the TikTok kids who are running around, the paparazzi are chasing them. They've got a, you know, they've got, it's a quick burn their careers, but they're getting money stuff down their throat.

They're having a ball. And then on the other side, you have people that won't let fame go. They won't let it go. They just, you know, they're holding on to it for dear life. Both of those things are very interesting to watch. You're between both of them in LA. You have people that are relevant for no reason immediately, who are like just in a daze or in a haze.

These kids don't even know what's happening. They're just being followed around by paparazzi. They're making all this money. Some of them are savvier than others, but they're just like, wow, what the fuck? And then on the other end, you have people that are just at the end. You know, they're, they've, they've done it. They've done what they came to do. And many of them don't know that yet.

No one's informed them. No one's pulled them aside and said, you've done this, you did it. It's time to graduate. Here's your diploma. Now walk out. You should have did this years ago. Walk out with the class now. You can't keep coming back into the school.

We know you like the pep rallies. We know you like the pep rallies. We know you like homecoming. We know you enjoy it. We know it's funny. You feel just like you felt the first time you did it, but I'm here to tell you this. Everybody's creeped. They're creeped out.

You know, and I'm telling you, it's like Grisabella. If you've seen cats, it's a gay podcast. I shit on sports. I'm talking about cats, but Grisabella in the play cats is like an old cat. And she's like, she sings memories. And she's like this ratty cat that walks out and that's what you have in Hollywood. You got a bunch of ratty cats walking around. They don't know it's time to go die and cats go die alone.

Sometimes you got to go die alone. Whitney was making me laugh. Whitney Cummings was like obsessed with helping animals, which is what I like about her. She helped people. It would be grotesque. But I liked it. She helps animals. And she kept picking up a cat on her way back to the comedy store, taking it to the animal hospital.

And they kept going, the cat's just trying to die. Like cats go alone to die. So like literally this cat is trying to die. And the Whitney's like putting it on her Instagram. I'm like, saved it again. And the cat's like, let me die. So that's what LA is. There's a lot of people there that you just got to let them walk out.

But I look and I go, what's my place here? What's my place? What am I going to do? Am I really going to walk around Jake Paul's compound with an AR-15 and protect him? What am I going to do? What is my purpose here? What is my point? I sit in a boa steak house and I stare at these kids and they're walking around with face tattoos and their role on drugs I've barely even heard of.

You know, they're just dancing in front of their cream spinach and they're making more money than I could even ever imagine. And I'm just sitting there like, where do I fit into all of this? Am I going to be in the merch? Is that what I'm going to do? Is that why I came to LA to sell t-shirts? I just want to sell merch. This is my new shirt. New drops.

New drops coming. New merch drops coming. We're dropping it. Getting dropped. It's merch. Things you can wear. Things you can wear. You wear them.

I sell them. You buy them. I'm an artist. Is that what we're here to do, folks? You want sneakers? Now we are going to do merch. And don't, when I do that, don't come back with this and tell me I've done the wrong thing. I'm not letting it become my whole identity.

It's the point. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. I've done it in the past. But I mean, the excitement people have overmerged. Get it. It's getting dropped. Is that what we're supposed to do? I mean, the NEL kids make a trillion dollars every time they do a drop.

It says full send. They've got to make billions of dollars, those kids. I like those kids. Why? Because they embrace the darkness of the world in a different way. They go to college campuses and tell everybody to just fuck the corona out of each other and jump head first into a pool and do all the drugs and, you know, light your parents' car on fire.

I respect that. You know, they do fun pranks. Like, I don't know. They drink beer in front of cops and getting fights. They go to jail. They try to recreate 9-11. All of that stuff I think is good. It's interesting.

It's better than a lot of the shit my friends are doing. Let them do it. Good for them. But the merch, I mean, the merch, they just go wild with the merch. Everybody, young kid, they just want that full send and God love them. Send me a full send sweatshirt and I'll wear it. But is that what we're supposed to do? Are we supposed to hang out in LA and just meet and talk about merch until we blow our

brains out? Is that what I'm going to do? Design a hoodie? Mike, other merch is a joke. It's fun. You should wear it. It's cool. But it's a joke.

We got a guy to do a sketch. It's a bit. And it's funny. I'm going to sit down now and like I'm a design, like I'm a fashion designer. And you look at me, you go, I want merch from Ham. What is that? Comedians are now that. Can you imagine some guy talking to Kinnison and be like, now you're at, you're also a

stylist. What did that come about? Yeah, I've got a new line of merch. But my time is a tent preacher. I'm Kinnison's doing a new. I mean, I don't know. I just look around at LA and I go, where do I fit? Where do I fit?

97% of people that do comedy are mentally ill. 3% of us are mentally ill and funny. See only difference. You got two clubs in LA. You got the improv and the comedy story in the ice house. Okay. And flappers. And I love the, the ice house and I love the improv and I love the store, but I don't

know when things are open. I don't know when Garcetti is going to open that up. They were going to do shows in the parking lot of the comedy store and they fucking, they already said no, right? Somebody ratted them out. Some rat. You know, the saddle ranch, which is next to the college. It's a, you want to talk about a horrific restaurant.

I mean, beyond like, it's like chicken fingers. It's the most popular restaurant in LA right now. They've set up tables and chairs in the parking lot and the TikTok kids go in there and they throw chicken fingers at each other. What is, why is the earthquake not here? I mean, what is going on? How do you take this place seriously? How does one grow old here with any dignity?

Explain that to me. Show me how. I get it why RuPaul went and started fracking. Okay. I'm going to start fracking. If I make a little more money on his paycheck, I'm going to go to cut, you know, RuPaul's got fucking gas lines in Kazakhstan and I get it. What are you going to fucking do?

Sit at the saddle ranch and eat coleslaw. Well, 15 year old finger fuck each other in front of the paparazzi. You got to move into other things. Christ almighty. I used to like LA when I first met Benjamin. We used to sit in Benjamin's garage and watch info wars and, you know, the news and we'd have a lot of fun and we did the sketches and they were fun and we'd go and do spots and we'd go to the house of pies and eat pies, which were good, but not great.

But Ben really loved them. But did I get you the Brian Muir Farms pie? I didn't get it for you. The one me you and Ray did on the in Long Island. Is that the one you're talking about where we got the pie in the cider? No, the Brian Muir is a raspberry cream from the East end by the hand. We didn't get it that time, but that's the pie. But the point is, you know, at a certain point, you got to just know when to hold them,

know when to fold them, I guess. What's coming good here? Show me what's good. Why am I stay? Why am I staying here? The business I'm in has melted. It's it is goo on the ground now. The idea of having a TV show is embarrassing.

It would have been bad. You're embarrassed now if you have a TV show. Oh, are you the guy from that show? No. Are you the guy from that show on true TV where they talk about whose doghouse is better? No. Yes, you are. That's the guy from true TV.

Are you the guy that hosts the hot dog challenge? No, I'm not. Please just drive me home. I saw your show. It's really funny. It's an embarrassment already. Enough is enough. We Reno 911, arguably one of the funniest shows of the last decade,

ends up coming back on Quibi, which is like this app that's a fucking complete mess where you're supposed to download it and watch high quality stuff shows in seven minute increments. It's like a joke. It's called Quibi. These always have dumb names. NBC did something called CISO.

Now they're doing Peacock. Is everybody lining up to watch Peacock? What's your favorite show? I like the show on Peacock. What are you saying? It sounds like a gay bar. I want to go to Peacock. I'm watching my shows on Comstream.

I mean, I just think it's kind of a joke now. The show is what we're doing. The studio is what we make it and what we do. The videos are what we decide they are. The guests are who we book. The live show is what the live show is. I mean, there's no other components here. And there's something a little frustrating about that.

When you hit a wall and you go, well, wait a minute, what's the goal is to just try to keep being funny and keep introducing new elements to this show to make it better. And that is, that's interesting and it's challenging. But I'll tell you this right now. I have a very bleak view of the future of the mainstream of this business and my place in it specifically. And when you, when you, when you get rid of that,

the reasons to live in LA are not that many. It's not a beach ain't that nice. It's nice. It's not bad. Hermosa Beach is beautiful. Malibu's okay. But the amount of money you spend there and the hassle of living there versus other places to live, like Austin, Texas, maybe,

we don't know, completely random selection is a very weird, random selection to choose there. But I don't know where the hub of comedy is going to be. I don't think it's going to be in LA. And you know what? I went back to New York and I love New York and I'm, you know, a New Yorker and blah, blah, blah. I'm not too impressed with New York at the moment.

I just, I'm not too impressed. I think New York's got a lot of pain ahead of it. And God bless the people that still live there. I've never defined my life by geography. Some people are, I'm in New York. Shut up. What are you? What are you?

Freak. I'm in New York. Shut up. What'd you do? I think New York gives a fuck about you. I've never defined my life by a zip code. I like to get out there. I don't really give a fuck where I live as long as we can work and make funny shit.

Um, but yeah, I'm not going back to New York. I'll tell you that much. Not with the Blasio and not with that fucking nightmare. And all these people in New York are like, it's going to go back to being gritty and all the artists have come back. Yeah, but there's none. You see? None of you are talented.

Okay. This is like CBG, CBGB, but everybody sucks. There's no David Burn in the talking heads. You can't play the guitar. So you're just getting stabbed and then there's no upside. It's all bad. I got beat up on the way to the club. Now I get to walk in and hear this hack who's horrible.

It sucks. There's some great comics in New York, but let's be honest. Comedy right now is just full of people that for the most part should be locked into home. They should not be there. There should be contact tracing for comedians. Where'd you go? Who'd you see? Who'd you talk to?

Not all of them, but a fair amount. I'm not too impressed with New York. I don't know. The once great city and I'm sure it'll be great again. I don't know that 35 years old. I don't have the time to wait around through another few cycles of, you know, people of bloodletting. I don't need to wait around through the bloodletting. Ben's trying to start a family.

I'm trying to start a harem of lacrosse players. I don't need to be sitting there for five years waiting for like Bill de Blasio or whoever. He's going to maybe get ousted in 13 months, maybe not 12 months, whatever that election is. We're a month away from the presidential election in America. The president is quarantining for two weeks. All souls day Halloween, the doomsday planes are in the air. We've got people being recreated. Dead Parkland kids are being recreated and turned into fucking voting PSAs.

We are there. So you got to decide where you want to be. You got to decide what physical location you want to be when there gets worse because we're already there. I just don't know where there goes and it could be somewhere not good. You might want a little property. You might want a little space if you can swing it. You can't swing it. That's okay too.

But something's coming. Something's ready here and it's not good. And many of us that have paid attention kind of understood this was happening. It's been happening for decades and decades. This is not new. If you've read a book or two that weren't recommended to you that you stumbled upon and found and you understood the deep trouble that we've been in for a while and the propensity for that trouble to get even worse. This isn't a shock.

How quickly it's all happening is a little shocking. It's a little stunning. My mouth was wide today when I saw that kid get recreated. I was kind of shocked at that. So me and Ben might go back to Texas. Ben's a Texas boy. He grew up in the Texas Hills just walking around looking for the devil. We got some live news, Tim.

What is it? Trump is on his way to the hospital. Really? Yeah, he's departing the White House by helicopter late Friday. The official said the visit was precautionary and that Trump would work from the hospital's presidential suite. Early Friday, the White House said Trump remains fatigued and had been injected with an experimental antibody cocktail. But he is going to be at a military hospital for the weekend. This is very bad news.

Obviously, nobody wants, well, I don't want, and I'm not going to say nobody because I'm sure that that's not a factual thing. Nobody wants Trump to be impaired drastically by this. Number one, if you're a thinking person, you realize how vulnerable that makes the country, even though the Pentagon will step in. You want an election to happen here. You don't want somebody who's drastically impaired. This is a very, very trying time. It is truly, we're on the brink here. We're on the verge, we're on the edge.

As much as we joke around, as much as we have fun on the show and that's what our job is, we are on the brink of some challenges that could prove insurmountable in the short term. And I think that people don't quite understand that. We are heading towards a place, there's never been less trust. I mean, if you go back to the Civil War and stuff, fine. But just for the purposes of the point I'm going to make, there's never been less trust in this country than what I see now. People are quick to violence. Nobody trusts any of the major institutions, the media, the government. We have a pandemic.

We have an economic collapse. We have a president of the United States in the hospital. We have an election that's already very contentious, unraveling and unfolding where we're going to have some answer in a month's time. It's, I mean, one of my favorite quotes, hell is empty and all the devils are here. William Shakespeare. I mean, truly, this makes 2009 look like a cake walk in the park. 2009, we just had a recession. We had a cool black dude running the show and everybody was like, well, figure it out.

But as far as this goes, we are right now, we got dead people coming back to do commercials here. That was that great Bill Hicks joke about that Yule Brenner when he died. It was an anti-smoking PSA. And Bill Hicks was like, Yule Brenner is like, the commercial was, I'm Yule Brenner and I'm dead now. Bill Hicks was like, what's he selling? The great joke. Trump headed to the hospital precautionary visit with COVID. He's on a cocktail of Regeneran.

It's an experimental anti-smoking treatment. He's getting the best. He's getting the best. How, I mean, this could mean war with China. This could just mean a war with China. I mean, truly, how he has a fever. He's very esophagic. They said this is just all precautionary.

Is he 75? I think Trump's 74. Let me see. I mean, this is who it's going to get. This is how it's, who it gets. He's 74. Yeah. I mean, 74 is not the age you want to be if you get Corona overweight too.

He's overweight. Yeah. You know, bad diet doesn't eat the best foods. I mean, you want to talk about Shakespearean if he died of Corona virus, right? It's a little Shakespearean. Yeah. Little crazy if he died of that. If his condition worsened, that would be, I mean, this is the wildest period in American

history, I think, other than really World War II with the Civil War. I just can't think of anything where there's just been a succession of events that have happened one after another like this. You know, it highlights even how silly LA is, what a silly, unserious place it is when this stuff starts to happen. And you start to realize now that, you know, we're in uncharted waters here. I mean, Boris Johnson went to the hospital with this. Yeah.

And he came out okay, but it was tough. It was tough. Yeah. And he was much younger than Trump, probably both in not great shape, but a precautionary visit. Yeah. Boris was 56. Here's the thing, man, he would not be going to the hospital if there was nothing going

on. That's how I'm kind of thinking. Yeah. They'd have doctors come in there. They have doctors there would come in. Right. They would come to the hospital and it's not, it's not good. I mean, the power has not been transferred to the vice president yet, but this is all

live on Drudge. I'm here right now. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Mike Pence is healthy. Right. We're sitting in an Airbnb in Nashville, you know, it's like we're sitting in an Airbnb

in Nashville. The president of the United States has just gone to the hospital coronavirus, the 74-year-old overweight president of the United States who happens to be Donald Trump. Today, I woke up and I watched a child who was killed in a Parkland school shooting get reanimated to come back and deliver an anti-gun PSA. Okay. I then scrolled down on my phone to be informed that trusted institutions was at record lows and people were already starting to see irregularities with the voting in the election, which has been

taking place absentee for, I believe, a few weeks. Then I looked at the earthquakes that are happening right where I live out in the desert in California that could suggest a larger and bigger earthquake. Okay. Then I ate some truly mediocre hot chicken out of a box that my opener waited 35 minutes to get all the while on the line probably cursing me because I didn't understand the importance of his basketball podcast. Okay.

Now, we sit down, try to do a nice little episode for everybody. Talk about the things that are happening. Defend the honor of the great grifter and gold digger, Melania Trump. I don't know if she's in the hospital. You think she's accompanying Donald to the hospital? Probably. She's having child symptoms though. She's supposedly fine.

She'll be fine. Those Eastern Europeans, I mean, come on, they come to the country in a crate. You think you can get them? We're on the verge of a civil war, conflict with China. We're ready in a trade war with them, cold war, hot war, a country of endless griffs. The month of October, the month of October, want to make a hack pumpkin spice latte joke here, but you just can't because we're on the verge of, you could wake up tomorrow and the president could not be here anymore to be pandemonium.

Oh yeah. It could happen during one of my shows tonight. We could get word, God forbid, we don't want this, that the president is in a coma or passed dead or anything during one of my comedy shows. And I mean, what a time to be performing standup comedy. Somebody could yell out a heckle during my set like Trump's dead now or something. And I guess I would just have to say, all right, well, in light of this news, I don't think it's appropriate to continue the show.

Right? That makes sense. What would you say? I think that's what I would say if something like that were to happen. And I don't usually do stuff like that, but I would say kind of like in light of the recent developments, I would say tragic. I'm a natural. I'd say in light of the recent tragic developments, it is inappropriate now for me to continue

my show, but we do have a merch table outside with a hoodie that I've spent months designing for you. So if you want to get in on this merch, but man, it's fucking wild. I don't know where this goes. This is the Willy Wonka boat ride that we're on here. You know, can you get that up? Can we play that a little bit? Or is that the Willy Wonka boat ride?

Yeah, maybe see if we can get that up. They get on the boat with Wonka. I can see he's mentally unstable. That song's not copyrighted. I think we should be able to. It's probably all copyrighted. Yeah, it's copyrighted. Well, YouTube will take all our money.

YouTube will say no more money. Wow. Well, we hope the president has a speedy recovery. We hope there is an election that it is fair that people are happy with the result and no one's ever going to be happy with anything, but that people are confident that it was a free election and that we still have a democracy. I really hope that. You know, yeah.

But don't, we will be a dictatorship with merch. Like we will still have merch. Don't worry about it. The military junta will be firmly in place. I will all be selling each other fucking hoodies with funny wacky faces on them. I don't know what to tell you. I'll use the sports analogy. It feels like it's time for a Hail Mary.

How about that? Is that fun for everyone? A little sports analogy right now. We're in end times. It's an odd place to broadcast from. It's an odd place to plug dates, which I'm about to do right now. But during end times, where are you getting your chuckles? Because right after this, we've got shows in Salt Lake City, Utah.

We've got shows in Tampa. We have shows in Palm Beach, Florida. We have shows in Chicago. We have shows in Oklahoma. We have shows in Denver and we have shows in Kansas City. And then we are wrapping up this leg of the tour and then we're going to chill for a few months in the winter. Keep doing the podcast, get some of our energy back, regenerate, you know. And Phoenix too.

And Phoenix, which is not selling well. So if you're out there in Phoenix, please buy tickets. Phoenix is selling okay. Everything else is really sold out. Every market really except Phoenix. And we've added shows. So there's tickets in every market, but we've added shows. Phoenix could do a little better.

Speaking of Phoenix, we hope Donald J. Trump rises like a Phoenix. You think Milani is at his bedside right now with a lawyer and the will. Donald, you made promises to me. Donald, I have to put up Christmas decorations. Who gives a shit about them? Wow. I mean, by the time this is out, he might be. I don't know.

I mean, we're hoping that that does not happen. But I mean, I've never really, we've never seen some, the wheels come off something so quickly. I mean, I don't, I can't even imagine. I can't, I can't even begin to tell you how quick the wheels have come off this society. Truly. But, you know, get that merch. Good night.