The Tim Dillon Show - 222 - Running Out The Clock

Episode Date: October 18, 2020

Tim explains why many of you are wasting your life, and how you should be more effectively doing so. He talks his family's Thanksgiving traditions, how Youtubers are saving the world, why the American party is over, and the future outcome of the election. Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow   OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS:   👛 WALLETS: get 10% off a ridge wallet ▶▶ https://www.ridge.com/tim   🩳 UNDERWEAR: Order with PROMO CODE Tim to get 20% off your first order ▶▶ https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ ⌚ WATCHES: Get 20% OFF and FREE SHIPPING ▶▶ https://www.vincerowatches.com/Tim 🔒 VPN: Get three months free ▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon   🥣 CEREAL: Use code TimDillon for free shipping! ▶▶ https://magicspoon.com/timdillon   🔵 BLUE CHEW : Use promo TD ▶▶ https://bluechew.com/   💊 HEALTH: Use code TIM for 20% off sitewide ▶▶ https://omaxhealth.com/   🤖 MANSCAPED: Use code TIMD ▶▶ https://www.manscaped.com/   👨‍🦱 HAIR LOSS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon   💎 JEWELERY : Use promo TIM ▶▶ https://www.anvilrings.com/   📦 SHIPPING: Enter code TIMDILLON ▶▶ https://www.shipstation.com/   🎧 HEADPHONES: For 15% off ▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim   🤳 COLOGNE AND SKINCARE: Use code TIM ▶▶ https://hawthorne.co/   ☕ MACK WELDON enter code TIM: ▶▶ https://mackweldon.com/   🧉 HYDRATE: ▶▶ https://www.drinkhydrant.com/TIM   👚 CLOTHING: ▶▶ https://fuct.com/   🛏️ BEDS: ▶▶ https://helixsleep.com/timdillon   🥇 GOLD: ▶▶ Text TIM to 474747   🚗 INSURANCE: ▶▶ https://gabi.com/timdillon   🚬 QUIT SMOKING: Use code TIM: ▶▶ https://lucy.co   🎹 MUSIC ▶▶ https://www.natebergmansings.com/   ⚓ NICK DAVIS'S PODCAST (BELOW DECK) ▶▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/another-below-deck-podcast/id1216741721   🏀 FANTASY SPORTS ▶▶ https://www.draftkings.com/ use code DILLON   💆THERAPY ▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃:   📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/   🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon   🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows   📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbg   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   ▶▶ Ed McMahon [e-mail] https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show coming at you from the fall. We're in the fall. We're in the season of apple picking and pumpkin picking and Halloween and other things, COVID and civil war and blah, blah, blah. But those take a backseat to the fall, the smells of the fall, the crisp autumn air. It's funny to see companies market things with the fall, even though the world is falling apart, but everyone's still into autumn, right? You know, it's our last fall, but they're like, but it's still the fall.

Get a pumpkin spice latte and throw it in a cop. It's still the fall. The crisp smell in the air is from the fires that are burning homes in Oregon or the fires as people burn down the courthouses. But that's okay. It's the fall. Get a pumpkin muffin, sit on the porch and watch the bloodshed. It's autumn.

It's the best season. Digital school is back. Zoom school is back. It's the fall. Get your pumpkin spice latte and head on out. It's spooky. It's Halloween time. It's gonna be.

It's a spooktacular. I love watching, you know, cause we, we can't, we got to go back to some type of normalcy. Even though things are just batshit crazy. So everybody's just like, Hey, it's the fall. You know what that means. You know what's back pumpkin cheesecake. Who wants some pumpkin cheesecake? You're like, I guess I'll all right.

Why not come out because it's like quarantine's ending, but it's also not. And they're relocking down, but they're not and nobody even knows anymore and they're relocking down parts of New York, but, but some of them aren't. And it's like they're locking down the hot spots and you know, I'm sure that that's not going to be a problem. Like you're locking down a hospice like you're locking down spots of people that just are, are, there's more COVID cases, right? So now what if there's more COVID cases in an area that's generally a specific race?

Cause that's what they're doing in New York with the Jews, Hasidic Jews are over it, Orthodox Jews are over it, shout out to the Sedum, shout out to the Sedum. They're over it. Yep. They, they're done. They want to be done with it. They want to walk around Williamsburg with those hats that I really enjoy the big furry hats and they're done.

And now they're trying, and now we've got, they've got to lock them. I'm a little uncomfortable with locking the Jews down. Am I wrong? This is the progressive thing is to lock the Jews down. That's a progressive ideology now. I don't want to lock anyone. I don't care what's going on. If there's COVID somewhere, stay out of there.

Don't go. These hospitals better be busy as fuck. Every nurse that I know is off. So if these hospitals are busy, I swear to God that they better be like busy, busy. It better not be like one wing is busy and then everything else is not. It better be every floor of the hospital is going to be packed if we're going to shut down again. I mean, it's, I'm not being unreasonable here.

If we're going to start locking down specific areas, which is troubling to me, little troublesome. We've got to go in and lock down Williams where we wait, wait, what? This doesn't seem to be the move. Come on. They're like, well, the Thanksgiving holiday. That is one lockdown. I'm for lockdown Thanksgiving. I want a quarantine that starts Thanksgiving and ends the next day.

Everyone in their house. No traveling. Now this hurts me and this is painful for me. Many people who watch the show and who have listened to the show and who've been a part of me and Benjamin's lives know how much I love my family, how important they are to me and how much of my success I attribute to them and their great parenting and their overall general support of me, you know, their occasional emails and texts. So the, the, the support system I've had has been just a solid foundation and it is sad

to me. It is sad that I will not be able to see them this year for Thanksgiving and, and they say to him, oh, we haven't gone to Thanksgiving in five years. Now that is true. But what, and the reason I've been doing that is because I've been, I've been weaning myself off like a drug. I've been weaning myself off my family so that this year I'm prepared to go cold turkey and not see any of them for the holidays.

Sorry. I'm sorry. But of all the ways you can get COVID, imagine getting it from your aunt Cheryl. Go fuck a stranger. Go buy tickets to one of my comedy shows on my website right now. Go to a Trump rally. They seem fun. Do whatever you want.

Go to a COVID fuck fast. Go to a kissing party. Go to a Halloween event. Go to a glory hall. Those do seem rather safe, but whatever you do, don't get COVID because you ended up listening to your aunt Cheryl talk about how great Kamala Harris is for an hour in your, in your uncle's house while he sits there and drinks himself to death in his chair. That is not what we need.

You don't want to be breathing heavy because you saw you. By the way, imagine if you could get AIDS from your family. At least you got AIDS. It was fun for most people getting AIDS was fun. That's the problem with COVID. No one's having any fun getting it. There are people with AIDS that are like, I don't regret that tensome I had where I was just everywhere in which way a dick was coming.

I didn't even know where they were coming. They were filling every orifice of my body and it was a lot of fun. I couldn't walk for three weeks and yes, I have AIDS, but it was fun. COVID. It's like, how did you get COVID? I took a bus to work. That's not fun. Is it nor is it going to your family's Thanksgiving dinner?

And by the way, and I've said this before in the show, if you don't have children, the holidays are not for you. If you are a single couple and you have not procreated and you're older, if you're younger, if you're Benjamin's age, him and his lovely wife, they're young enough, they're going to have kids. There's oil in the tank, so to speak. But if you're older and you don't have any children and you're just going to go and sit with your family and inflict them with all of your observations and thoughts about the

body politic, stay the fuck home, get some Chinese food, cocoon yourself in a bed and watch NCIS or one of those shows that are the most popular on TV that I've never seen and don't know what they are and wouldn't, I don't understand. I just mark Harmon. Everybody's getting court-martialed. It's about the Navy. I don't know. But everybody, go watch the Big Bang Theory and eat General Tao's chicken.

You don't have to go and get everybody sick at fucking Thanksgiving. You hear about it two days later, they'll be like, Aunt Kathleen was a super spreader. We're all going to die. Thanksgiving's an event for people and it's not like Christmas. There's no gifts. So it's just a nice dinner. It's a big dinner and there's something nice about it. Everyone can celebrate it in America.

Everyone can celebrate it. It's not racial, there's no religious connotation. You can go in, you watch a little football, eat a little turkey, whatever. Most people, I don't know if Antifa celebrates Thanksgiving. I imagine many of them are forced to. Many of their parents dragged them to somebody's house and go, you have to, before you blow up the bank, you have to go to Antonis. She wants to see you.

She hasn't seen you since you were a child and he was like, fine, where are my fireworks? You get them back after the meal. You get your fireworks back after the meal. I imagine the Proud Boys love Thanksgiving. They're really annoying about it. They're like, cool, it's football. You're like, no, no, we don't want to, no, we don't want to do that. Let's join a ball around.

Come on. What are you? What are you? Trans? You're like, Hey, hey, relax. Hey, relax. What's wrong with you? I'm in a men's club.

Okay. What? Proud Boy Antifa Thanksgiving. That'd be a fun video. We did a fun video about costumes in Halloween and I dressed up like a, we, I, we, at the end I dressed up like those two. McCloskies. Who are they?

What are their names? McCloskies. The McCloskies, the famous viral photo of two people standing outside of their property with weapons. And by the way, I have no problem with them doing that. And I don't know why other, they, they look fun. There they are. Now what was going on?

You had a protest going through their neighborhood. This is a wealthy area of St. Louis. Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the central West end couple who confronted protesters, June 28th with a rifle and a gun in mayor Lydia Kruestens neighborhood have been charged with unlawful use of a weapon slash flourishing. The unlawful use of a weapon charges a felony and can carry up to four years in prison. Gardner said in a statement that is illegal to wave weapons in a threatening manner at those participating in a nonviolent protest.

And we, while we are fortunate the situation did not escalate into deadly force, this type of conduct is unacceptable in St. Louis. Well, I guess the protest was peaceful, but the McCloskeys were saying, Hey, just in case the protest gets a little wild. So they're on their way to the mayor's house. The protesters were on the way to the mayor's house and McCloskey's what a great couple. Forget the way you feel about them politically. They're just fun.

Any couple, by the way, can you get the picture? Go down a little bit. Go down to the left. Go over there. Right there. This one. Yeah. Get that.

That to me. Blow that up. This to me is, is how that is how you make a marriage work right there. Just people that share values. What is he got? What is that? An AR? He looks like he has an AR.

Yeah. And she's got that look. What is that? Baby three 80, which she got. She got a little P 90. They're out there looking at the protesters and they got a big ass house and they got a lot of fucking money and there's people on their way to the mayor's house and they're probably chanting eat the rich and the McCloskey's are going, if you're going to eat us, we're

going to eat you. And I don't know anything about, I don't know how peaceful the protest was. Maybe it's, maybe it was a girl scout sat in the street selling cookies, but we've seen a few of these protests and they do get a little fun and people's property does get damaged quite often. So I think I guess the McCloskey's Patricia McCloskey patty or as I call it Pat, Pat McCloskey and her husband. What good solar port is the pistol Pat McCloskey used was only a prop form, I'm sorry, a prop

from a federal trial that the couple used in a case. Both of them were attorneys and they were on a private street. The protestors were a source familiar with the investigation told five on your side. The police did not find any ammunition at the McCloskey's home and that the rifle was not loaded when they seized it. Well, then maybe they're pretty smart. Maybe they went out with the dummy prop weapons. I don't know in any event I dressed up like the McCloskey's at the end of the video and

it was a fun little Halloween video. We're doing another one. Of course, last year was the famous Epstein temple video hard to top that we had a costume designer design, a temple, a Jeffrey Epstein's temple, which was it a music room? Was it a fitness center? Was it a church for human sacrifice? We don't know. We don't know.

But there I am right here, the Epstein temple was a great Halloween costume. We drove around for two days looking for those white tights. God, that was a nightmare. Remember that? Oh, yeah. And we just said, and they said, what kind of, you need white tights? The good thing about LA is it can't really question it because I could, they could be like, why do you need this?

And I go, what do you mean? I wear what I want. They're like, right. I would just go to Lane Bryant, the fat woman's store in LA and they would be lovely to me. I'm going, I'm, I'm, I am Megan McCain. They'd go good. They don't give a shit's LA. They know better than open their mouth.

Show me the fucking tights now. Show me something that makes me look svelte and they would have to do it. So the Lane Bryant ladies would just walk us around Lane Bryant and I would try on women's clothes and then the women in Lane Bryant would be like, Hey, it doesn't wear everyone's fat anyway. No one at Lane Bryant's really paying attention to anyone else. Everybody's just like, you know, nobody's thrilled to be in Lane Bryant. They were kind of, they were nice.

The staff was kind. The other women in there are like, they were helping me try on things. They don't care. They're like, we're rolling it together. This guy's a cross dresser, you know, they're all fat theater chicks. It's great. I miss Lane Bryant. I'm sad it closed.

I wish I could shop at Lane Bryant all the goddamn time. If they open Lane Bryant up again, I'm back in there with those kind, fat theater chicks that are nice. They just want to hang out with gay guys and eat mozzarella sticks and they hope no one at the after every, after every, after every, after every, after every, after every, after every show, there's a rap party or whatever, you know, you know, after tech rehearsal, dress rehearsal, everybody goes to the diner and then there's the fat theater chicks sit there and they just don't want anyone to notice how many mozzarella sticks they've had.

And they do that by continually calling attention to, they'll be like, oh my God, have I had, have you had, have you had, have I, I think I've had two, have I had two and you're like, we know you're going to, you just eat it, Cheryl, eat it. But I liked them at Lane Bryant and I wish I could be fucking back there being treated with some goddamn respect, but I can't, I should show up to Thanksgiving. By the way, this should be the only Thanksgiving I consent to going to because it doesn't happen. Last year, my family did like a zoom dumb thing or they did a zoom Easter and not last year, but you know, a few months ago.

They did a zoom Easter and nobody knows what's going on. Half the people in my family are drug addicts. They're like, they just see them staring. They're like, I'm like, are they okay? Do they need help? They're in some just living in their own filth. We see that their zoom background is just a mattress on a floor. They're like, happy Easter, Lally.

Happy Easter. Their mid overdose, trying to get the words happy Easter out of their mouth foaming at the mouth. I'm like, who needs this? Get me out of here. I didn't even go into it. Somebody screenshot it and sent it to me and I said, I will not be participating. By the way, listen to this.

My stepmother sends me a thing today, sends me a link goes, my mother's turning 80. Can you make her a video? What do you want me to wish your happy birthday as Epstein's temple? What do you want me to do? You know these things now where it's like somebody's birthday, everybody has to make a video and send it to them. Hi, thinking of you. Wish we could be there.

So I just, you know, I have my glasses on. I'm like, hey, Darthea, we love you. Stay strong. I said, stay strong. Like she's the woman has cancer. Just your birthday. My black glasses on. I'm like, Darthea, I love you.

Stay strong. Better days ahead. This is what I say. I don't even realize what I'm saying. I go, stay, like literally she got diagnosed with a disease. I'm just wishing her happy birthday. She's actually in great health, probably in much better health than me. I imagine that a fat guy telling you to stay strong, like I'm, I look like I'm literally

dead and I'm like, Darthea, stay strong, better days ahead. I go better days ahead and then I go, stay safe. And then I, I swear to God, I go like this, I go, see you on the other end. And then I finally say happy birthday. It's the most cryptic and disturbing message. I didn't know what to say. And then I'm like done. And then I just hit send because I didn't want to edit it.

So literally the whole video is, hey, Darthea, stay strong, better days ahead. I'll see you on the other end out. And then probably cuts to somebody who's like, happy birthday. We love you. And it's literally sandwiched in between two peppy, happy birthday. It's like, happy birthday, happy birthday to you. And then it cuts to me and I'm like, Darthea, stay strong. When I make it, I'll send word for you.

Stay safe, better days ahead. Just in black glasses. And then it cuts to somebody being like, happy birth, how old are you now? I look like I'm in a safe house. I'm just laying on my bed like this, a top, hey, happy birthday. I can barely breathe. I think I've called it. I'm like, happy birthday.

I smoked too many cigarettes last night. I'm like, happy birthday. Stay safe, better days ahead. Hope to see you on the other side. It's just the darkest. If you're wearing sunglasses. I'm wearing black sunglasses because I was outside in the pool and then I get this message like, Hey, you gotta, you gotta wish this woman happy birthday because she gives a fuck.

They asked my cut. They asked a couple of my cousins who were on heroin or on smack. They've met it twice. When you have a divorced family, nobody knows who anyone else is. What if they're going to ask her for money? Hi, happy birthday, Darthea. I've run into some hard times and I, I want to let you know if I give you my bank account numbers or any way you can send a wire here.

Could you send a wire here, please? I'm suffering and I need fucking help. That's great. How great would it be next time somebody has to do one of those video birthday measures? Do something like that, you know, especially if you don't know the person, you're kind of annoyed by it. I know this woman. I love her.

She's a phenomenal woman. She lived in London. I like anyone who's lived in London. Her and her husband are great. Her husband's great because he doesn't give a shit. Like he's argued in front of the Supreme Court. He's rude. He belittles people.

He ruins holidays and there's no archetype of person that I like more than that. He did a thing where he would bring, he had this game that would play after the holidays where he would bring a thing that nobody knew what it was and you would pass it around and you got to ask him a question about it. You'd be like, was this, was this a tool? Was this used? Whatever. And was this used in food production?

And you would ask him a question and you'd get to go around the table and then somebody would guess what it was and they would move on. This game got so competitive that he was banned from doing it because it got so, because he would, he would be so specific about the answers he would give, like he was in a courtroom. Like if somebody would say it was this in food production, he'd be like, no, and then you'd find out it kind of was, but it was involved in the harvesting as like, he was so specific that people would get pissed off and people go, Hey man, I fucking kind of said that, didn't I?

And he'd be like, well, you didn't. And he'd be like, words matter and what you did and they would start fighting. So he was banned from doing this. Like they had to come and by the way, he wasn't doing it at his own parties. He was bringing it in our family. Like he, he was just bringing it to art. Like people, he didn't know that well and getting, and it got fiercely competitive. And his name is Henry.

I think he's great. And they would go like, they would be like, he'd say at the end of the night, he'd be like, do you want to play the game? And everyone's like, Oh, let's go play Henry's game. And then like 30 to 40 minutes in, it had gone around five times. Nobody had gotten it. And he'd refuse. He'd be like, send it around again and it would just be this little weird pipe thing

or, and he always brought three or four of them. We'd only get to like one of them. Cause there's also a lot of people in my family retarded. So they have no idea they have no idea they'd hold up like this little thing, like a little lever thing, you know, and they'd be like, did you find it in out of space? And he'd be like, no, I'm like, we're going to be here for the rest of the night unless you ask them good questions, you know, but they're all drunk and idiots. I have lawyers in my family who are like, not lawyers.

I have people with law degrees. My aunt has a law degree, doesn't practice. They've set up in the basement a fake law. You want to talk about fake business, a fake desk where she thinks she's practicing law and there's nothing, she's nothing's happening. She's a pretend attorney in the basement of the house. This is the tragedy of the Irish. No one tells her that she's not practicing law.

She's never seen a courtroom. She sits, she's worked at a few law firms and they keep throwing her out because she's a problem. And so she sits downstairs and gets wine drunk and pretends to do law. I don't even know what that entails. There's like files on the desk. She's got phones. She said once she goes, we got to put a few phone lines in for the business.

What bit the business? But this is, so these are the people who are asking the questions of this really smart guy, and he's a fiercely liberal guy, but very smart, tough to get in an argument with him was like a Cuban orphan or something, laudable life story. He's like one of those guys who like, he's a dick, but he's earned the right to be a dick because he's so fucking smart and he's really lived a hell of a life, right? But he used to just throw everyone into a rage with that game. But if you have to record one of these videos, you got to just, you know, when it's, you

know, when you do it, when you hit record, you got to go, Hey, Jocelyn, happy birthday. Times are not good. I know you and Frank are not doing well either, but I'd really like some help. So I'm asking, I know it's your birthday, but I'm asking you for help. So for the love of God, please give me a call. I haven't heard from you in months, send something. The kids are going to bed hungry. Like something like that.

Cause then by the way, it would cut right after that to happy birthday, just like it's fun. I think it's rude to ask people for video messages. Just assume people kind of love you, which is what a family is. A family is a bunch of people who kind of love each other. I don't want to see anyone die. That's the standard of love in most families. Yeah. I don't want to see anyone get demolished in a car wreck.

But what else? That's the standard of love in most families. Yes. I would be very upset when I say very upset, I would be bothered. Let's, let's take it down. I would be bothered if one of my family members was mangled in a wreck. You know what I mean? Like I would be, I would not, I would feel bad for the other people involved.

And I would say that's not good. I would call Benjamin and I go, that's not good. But then we start talking about sponsors and ads quickly because you move on, you move on from these things. People are asking me to do birthday videos. I haven't seen these people in six months. We're done already. If you don't see people in the flesh, this is the problem.

If we go through the holidays this year and you don't see anybody, you're kind of done. You're out. You're not, you don't go back next year. If you're out for a year, it's hard to go back. Now obviously you can go back. Many of you will go back because you're weak. But if you've gone the full year and you're going to do holidays on your own and you're going to realize that you can do that, most people don't think they can do a holiday on

their own. I've, I've gone out to dinner with people. My mother didn't like my father's family because they all used to drink and she would instead take pills. So they, she didn't like that. She didn't like, you know, she didn't like that they were drinking all the time and she just wanted to take pseudo fed and a diner. Hots off to mom.

And she would go on Thanksgiving by herself at three PM at a diner in Long Island. They do a nice job. They do a good job. It's tragic either way. If you're sitting next to some drunk who's gargling some problem she has with another family member from 20 years ago, or if you're sitting alone at a diner eating cranberry sauce or piled up, whichever way you cut the turkey, it's a shit day. So you don't have to, you see what I'm getting at here folks, make choices, live by the choices.

Donald Trump is moonwalking. He seems, ehh, ehh, ebullient. He seems, the polls are not good, but the polls weren't good in 2016. But the polls might, the national polls have Biden at a nine point lead. That's probably what they had a Hillary at. Pennsylvania's got Biden up, Florida's got Biden up, Michigan's got Biden up. Democrats have taken an early lead in voting. Here's the way I feel about this election, because many people are asking me the way

I feel about this election, okay? This is the way I feel about this election. We're at a point now in this country where imagine the country is a corporation. Half the people in the corporation are convinced that the CEO is trying to kill them. Now whether that is true or not, it's becoming a very tough company to run. You understand and the CEO is tweeting out occasionally like, maybe I'll kill you and you're going, hey, this seems unnecessarily incendiary, does it not? And the other guy that might want to run the company is the guy that sniffs everyone's

wife's stiletto heels and is asleep. And then one guy is tweeting, I'm going to, I may kill everyone LOL, but I won't wink wink. And then the other guy's like asleep and dead. And those are the choices of who's going to run this failing corporate. And by the way, it's a company where we make things that nobody wants anymore. We make Pogs. We're a company that makes, remember Pogs?

Remember those? Pogs. Yes. Yes. Pogs and Slammers and Spinning. There was a major thing when I was a kid. Nobody wants them. They were major.

They were collectices before Pokemon, but for any of that, people remember Pogs. America as a company right now manufactures Pogs. It's just, that's the election. Trump has not done a great job at leading the company. He hasn't. Leading the company is not all about the ideas of the person, which Trump, a lot of them, I don't know how many ideas he has that are doable or that he cares about trying to do, but it's also about like, what about just the day to day psyche of an environment?

If you ever worked in an office and then the person who's leading the company, like there was a guy, Rastasol named Mike McHugh, used to run a company I worked for. The guy was a, was a built chubby Irish guy. You felt good when you went to work at this mortgage company because it was a legit company on Long Island and he had started it out of college and he was like a respectable guy that you wanted to respect you and he just acted the way a CEO should act. That's the way he acted, right? I didn't know him.

I didn't have that many dealings with him, but let's just imagine that what I observed was a guy who's, when they're like, that's the guy who runs a company went right, right. He didn't get drunk at the Christmas party, threatened to kill the staff. He didn't say that the other mortgage companies should go to hell. You know, like it was just, it was a level of decorum that he had and everybody goes, that doesn't matter. Well, it does matter if you don't want to live in an insane asylum. I don't care what this guy tweets, but yeah, this is the day California is going to help

vote Trump. New York's going to help vote Trump. You know, I sat on Twitter, the president shouldn't be doing this and everybody got mad at me. They're like, well, he's right. You know, and it's like, it doesn't matter whether he's right or not. And by the way, the country is going to hell. So he could just list all 50, go down the list, all 50.

And that's not even his fault. I don't know that he's helping. But when I said that, people got mad and be like, whoa, I'm like, the president, it should just may, it's maybe not a good idea to say that states are going to hell because maybe our enemies and the people who wish to do his harm might feel that we're a bit fractured. They might go, what's going on over there? He goes, New York has gone to hell. He goes, Illinois has no place to go.

Sad, isn't it? Vote Trump. This is, this is the reasoning he's giving. If you don't want to go to hell, vote for me. He's a lot of fun. If he goes, but it's becoming, you know, how are you that invested in this that you want to deal with the whining and the yelling and the screaming and the nonsense? And if it was all ridiculous, like if he wasn't pouring any fuel on this fire, which he is,

you would understand that you'd be like, hey, they're fucking nuts. And I think the other side is bad to the bone, bad. The only reason that I think it might be just my, him losing my take the foot off the gas is because I think Kamala Harris is going to be the president. And then eventually it's just going to be Obama too, and nothing is going to get done. The country is going to be destroyed. It's not going to matter anyway, but it will be somewhat livable during that period. It won't be nearly, Trump's not turning it around.

He's not turning around. I don't know what I, who I have to tell this to, he's not turning it around. Okay. Maybe he wants to, maybe let's say, let's say that for example, during his years as a, uh, you know, flandering billionaire, he was actually thinking about the American worker and now he's finally got the chance to prove that the forces, let's say that, which I don't believe, but let's say that the forces in the mechanism, he just can't get anything done.

It's too volatile. Um, Kamala Harris is going to come in and I don't know what happens, but I'd really like to go back to apathy. Let's go back to, let's return to apathy. No, no, no. We want to be activists forever. No, you don't. Where were you during Obama?

You were doing that. You were in Brooklyn, you were in, in these cities and these rapidly gentrifying cities and many of you were on stage to a comedy with funny hats and canes and you were dressed up like flappers in the twenties. So you didn't give a shit. You just want to not go, you want to go back, you want to go to a place where you cannot, you don't have to give a shit anymore. And by the way, I want you to go there too.

I want you to go there quickly. So I don't even care anymore. Elect Kamala, elect Beyonce, just shut the fuck up. What will make you happy? Nothing has ever changed. What will do it for you? Go swim in a fucking lake. What will do it for you people?

When will you fucking realize it's not up to them? It's up to you. You do something you like. I don't know what to tell you for the love of God. But it's all the dudes, the president's coming, we win, you lose. You're wasting your lives talking about this horse shit. But whatever, keep doing it. So that's where I am at this election.

Trump wins again. I'm going to wake up. God, Trump's in again. If Biden and Kamala win, I go, yeah, they're in again. I'm just going to look out my window and hopefully it's all not burning. And if it is, I'll get in my car and drive away. That's how I feel about the election. If I can, or I'll be taken out of that car and beaten to death in the street.

But either way, that's how I feel about the election. This war you're all fighting isn't real. It's on your computers. It's not an actual war. Yes, I think you should get health insurance. I thought Bernie Sanders would have been an interesting guy to elect. Why? He's outside of the system and I don't know that Bernie would have been able to get anything

done that he wanted to get done. But giving people healthcare, giving people a certain safety, sense of security so that they don't have to fucking go bankrupt when they get sick is as good a reason to pay taxes as I can think of. It's better than bombing Pakistani weddings for a terror war that is pretend. Remember that? That's pretend. That's another thing that's pretend.

The fake terror war. They chose all to pretend. This is a school play for billionaires. When you people get invested in it all the time, do you have anything else to do? You're bored. Get a hobby. The grade rate comp says it all the time. Get a hobby.

Learn how to master tennis. I don't know. It's not my business. But I just want, I want this election to, you know what I want to win? I want apathy to win. Let's go back to that because you, you know, stand up at a great point when they took to stand up, they're like, why don't you care anymore? It's like, remember when I cared and it did nothing?

Yeah. So you people, carings may be making it worse. It actually might be making it worse. Yes. Oh, Tim, what you're rolling over. You're saying that the elites should just be, guys, I, you know, I don't know what you think you're doing. I don't know what effect you think you're having.

I don't know what you're going to do. Yes. Should women get abortions? Yes. Is this bitch Amy Coney Island hot dog, whatever her name is. Is she going to come in here and start putting babies back in the post? I don't know. I hope not.

I don't think it's going to happen. Roe v. Wade hasn't been overturned since 1965. Are they going to make it harder to get an abortion? Maybe. I don't, I hope not. Are they going to reverse gay marriage? I hope not. Is it possible?

Sure. I think these decisions would go to the states. The majority of the states would have them. I think it's the fucked up social conservatism shit. I'm not in for any of that, but I'm not in for any of it. I'm not in for any of it. The Supreme Court also, for the most part, these social issues that everybody talks about, that obscures the fact that what the Supreme Court really does is protect the interests

of multinational corporations. That's what they really do. But you don't hear about those decisions because everybody's talking about the great debate about the should a baby be able to transition in the womb. And it's like, yeah, it's an interesting question, but also how about the company that's giving you cancer and killing you? What are they allowed to do? Well, they're allowed to do anything they damn well please.

The Supreme Court's also doing that shit. Can you get politics out of your goddamn heads for a minute and enjoy it? Can you enjoy the dissent? Enjoy it. Remember when you had a party and you couldn't clean up the next day and you heard the doors of your parents' car shut? There was a moment of sheer terror followed by a moment of almost immediate acceptance. We're caught.

We're done. Then you just started worrying about what was it going to be, a grounding? Who knows? Maybe they had fun on their trip. Maybe they'd be lenient. But after that moment of sheer terror, you were like, you looked around at the house and you knew it was so bad that it wasn't one or two things you could grab. There was so much shit.

They knew what was happening. They're going to get you. And you just had to kind of release yourself and go, hey man, sorry, we had a party. That's what you're going to have to tell your children. We had a party for 50 years. We did it on cheap credit. We did it by going all over the world and doing things we should not have been doing. Bad, bad things.

We had a 50-year party. We bought homes and cars and we mortgaged them and we put them on credit cards and we took out lines of credit. We took out big mortgages. We built big, beautiful cities and then stopped giving a shit about them. We financed this with expansion that was financed by war and deceit and fraud. And then we also did this on the backs of immigrants that we pay slave labor to. And we did a lot of bad things.

And there were good things that came with that, sure, but we've had a party. We had a big party. And the party was fun. The music of the party was fun. Well, now the music's not too fun at the party anymore because nobody can sing anymore. You turn on the music and everybody's like, help me, help me. And you go, this isn't fun anymore. And you used to be able to turn on the TV at the party and see some fun stuff and chocolate

and go, but you can't because you turn on the TV and it's Chelsea Hanley going, you're white, you're white. So that's not fun anymore either. And the party itself is starting to feel not too fun anymore. But then there are people at the party that are going, we can keep the party going if you come into this room and you go, what's in this room? And you go, well, there's a million words you can't say and you can't look at each other and you can't have any feelings, thoughts or expressions.

And here's a little chip and we're putting it in your ass. And do you have coronavirus and put on your mask and don't speak. If you have a business, you can't run it, stand in the corner and look at the fucking floor and there's other people that are going, well, we can keep the party going too, but you got to come in this room and I go, what are you doing in this room? We just jump around without the music and if you say there is no music, we kill you. We just say the party's going and it's fun. And then you go, well, if I point out that the food sucks and there's no music, then

we say, no dummy, did you read Q? There isn't supposed to be music at this party. Music's the devil. And you go, what? What about food? And you go, you don't need any fucking food. Q provides you all the nutrition you need and you go, so I have a choice between one or two of these rooms or you could just sit in the living room and wait for the parents.

And you know who the parents are going to be? President Xi and China. And when they open that fucking door and they say we're here, you're going to say mommy and daddy, I love you. I'm so fucking sorry. I could have gone and went in one of these rooms with the crazy people, but I decided to sit here and stay here and wait for you. I'm so sorry.

The kids from school brought people I didn't know and they started drinking and smoking and throwing lamps and they started buying houses and cars and going to war with other houses and I didn't consent to any of that. I just listened to music. I was just trying to get my dick sucked in the closet. I'm trans by the way. And then mommy and daddy, we didn't know. We didn't know.

And then mommy and daddy are going to say something in Chinese and then they're going to zap you and you're going to fall to the floor and they're going to give you a social credit score and you're going to say, well, it is what it is, folks, because the party's fucking over. There are people who don't invite me to things and I'm always, I always don't know why. I'm always confused as to why a lot of these Hollywood parties, Hype House, the Sway House, the TikTok houses, the content creators don't really involve me and I want, I want, because I want to be there with them dancing as it all goes down, you know, I want it to end.

I want, as it ends, I want to be, because there's no more fitting way to go than to just kind of to rock out and to dance and to just kind of enjoy yourself. I mean, what are we supposed to do? Do what you can for the people in your life. Make the change you can. Run for something. Run for something local. Make local change.

I'm not telling you to be a cynical fuck and sit in your house and do nothing. I'm telling you to stop every four years investing yourself. Put your tits away, Amy Schumer and everybody else is taking your tits out to you. Here's my taint for voting. Like what are we doing? Well, what is this? I'm naked and so you should vote because I'm naked, put your clothes on. I don't understand this.

I mean, I'm, I'm just saying that you should skip Thanksgiving this year because the threat of coronavirus is real. That's all. That's all I'm trying to say here. You know, we've got a lot of great guests coming up. I'm very excited. Some secret guests coming up. There are going to be a lot of fun.

I'm really pumped. And we're back out on the road Tampa, Florida, Palm Beach. Let's get the dates up, baby. Side splitters in Tampa Tuesday, October 20th through the 21st, Wednesday, West Palm Beach, Florida, October 22nd, the 24th. That's a weekend Chicago, Illinois, October 27th to Wednesday, the 28th, Oklahoma City, October 29th through the 31st Kansas City, Missouri, November 10th and 11th Denver, Colorado, November 12th through Saturday, the 14th, the last bit of dates.

And then I'm hibernating slash podcasting for the winter. A lot of great guests coming up. A lot of fun. A lot of fun and a lot of enjoyable times and moments that we will all have together. You can avoid your family. You can do a zoom if you want to do it with your family. It'll be a fun election. We'll talk about it.

I will have fun. We're going to have fun with it here. Everybody else is going to get mad. They're going to tell you to vote. I don't care who you vote for. I don't care. I don't care if you don't vote. I don't care.

Imagine caring. Imagine care. Imagine being at lunch and caring. You're not going to take my life. That's the way I feel. You're not going to ruin my life. I'm on Twitter. I'm on all these things.

You're not going to ruin my life. I don't care what you do. I am a being that's having a wild experience on the planet. I wish that realization for you. I wish that realization for all of you out there that you're not subject to all this shit. It's not real, but quarantine. You know, we went to New York to like, you got a quarantine and you got to fill out.

I put the cat in the hat. I folded it up. You fold it up like origami. You put it. They have these things in a suggestion box. You put it. It gives a fuck. Cares.

This state's too goddamn sloppy to be fascist. Everyone's too fat. They can't find their gun. It's stuck in a roll of fat. It's going to get bad, but it won't get bad for a while. It's pretty bad now. But I mean real bad. I mean, like, can't leave your house bad.

So enjoy the time you have left these laws and shit. You think you're it's, it's not, there's no teeth to many of them. Some of them there is teeth to and some of them are going to be worse. And if you can stop by all means, if you can stop people, if you can get us all of our freedoms back, I'm, I'd like that. I'd love that. But up until that point, I'm not going to ruin and waste. I don't know how many hours, days, minutes I have in this earth.

None of us do. How many tweets do you want to read about Amy Coney Barrett? How many? How many tweets do you want to read about Joe Biden's crack addict son in the Ukraine who's fucking stealing money and smoking crack? And by the way, good for him. He had fun. Do you see, is he alive still or no?

Yeah. Hunter? Yeah, he's alive. The one that didn't smoke crack died. Ain't that the way? Yeah. I just go off after I go, I don't know how much time we have any water. Is that water?

What happened? That's okay. We don't, I don't need it. I don't need it. We're almost done here. I just yell so much. And then sometimes I don't. But I get frustrated.

You know, my aunt sent me a pumpkin with an I voted sticker on it's like, will you grow up? I love her, but come on. You've only got a few more. Listen, we all, we might not have that many years of going outside left. We might not have that many years of going outside left. And you people are talking about Amy Coney Barrett. Go swim while you can, go hike while you can, go fish while you can, go fuck while you can.

Go enjoy the world while you can, go have dinner with friends while you can. I'm telling you, I'm not, I'm not even kidding. It's not a joke. We're in a whole heap of shit. And if you don't want to enjoy whatever time any of us have left on this fucking planet, we could all get this disease tomorrow and drop dead. They could send another 5g reboot of this disease. I'm not being a conspiracy wack.

I'm saying who the fuck knows what's the next Corona Corona. What is it? COVID-19, what COVID-20 might be the one, right? That might be the one where you get it and you fall down in the middle of the fucking street. So if you're driven to be an activist, God bless you. If you're faking it, which you are, relax, experience real friendship. Make a real friend.

You know, like Dan, who I fucking go on the road with, who's a fucking great dude who comes on the Patreon and everybody on the Patreon loses their mind because I'm not yelling for a whole hour and I let a person make a human point for a minute and then maybe I have a friend and we're out there on the radio and we're trying to have a nice conversation about it and everybody's like, maybe this guy should kill himself. I yell every episode. One at one episode I take a minute to say, hey, this is what's been going on and then you're like, hey, where's the unfocused rage?

Here it is. You got it here. Make a friend go through me and this kid are doing standup comedy in a weird fucking world traveling all over the place, having a lot of fun, laughing our asses off, enjoying our fucking lives. We don't know when they're ending. We don't know, but we're going to fucking laugh our asses off until they do. I wish that for a lot of people that literally get in touch with something spiritual, whatever

the for me, it's making people laugh. For you, I don't know what it is. I don't know what, and I don't tell people, it's not the Gary Vee experience. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm not going to tell you that, you know, it's spiritual start a vape company or a hoodie. I don't know, but if it is, it is, but you're ruining and wasting your fucking lives every fucking day. You're starting.

You're fighting. You're fighting with people in your family that you might like if you didn't hate each other for no reason because you have different opinions on Nancy Pelosi, a woman who you've never met either side of your families, never met her, whether you love her or hate her, she doesn't give a shit about you. Darn it. Remember she was given a tour of fucking gelato in her fucking freezer and she lives in San Frantan, just to Lenti.

That's basic bitch shit. Okay. That's a foodie city and you're the fucking speaker of the fucking house. Why don't you get some real fucking ice cream in there? Okay. You 119 year old. Remember when a bird flew into her Georgetown fucking townhouse and she had to chase it around that bird was trying to drag her back to the dimension she belongs in and somehow she

fought off that burden. She's here showing us fucking salted caramel gelato while the world fucking birds and you guys are fighting about her as if she gives a fuck. It's the wicked witch of the West. Is that what they did in Oz? Well, actually, actually the flying monkeys are really happy. The benefit pack. What?

Enough with this. Children. Have some fun. When's the last time you people had any goddamn fun? Have a little bit of fun. You know, when I used to be able to go to my mother's mental institution, I would have fun. I would visit all the other mental patients and talk to them.

And then I started to realize that they were actually right about the world. They'd be like, everyone's trying to kill you out there and I go, okay. And then more recently, I've gone go on. You know, I mean, life, life is not supposed to be an endless procession of, of, and yes, in a crack, crack, like this little guy that I have with me, Danny goes, he always goes, he goes, I want a great quality of life. He says it all the time ago. This is what the kids, they go, I want a really good quality of life and he's right.

But also shut the fuck up. You vocalize those thoughts to shut up, create the quality of life. But that's what I would tell everybody out there. Go out there and get in some type of situation, universe, world where you feel you're being fucking excited about something because dude, people fucking die shit ends. I hope this isn't my last episode, by the way, this is, this is very like, this is very strange. Right.

It's very odd. Like, and I just die in this. I'm brilliant, but I just don't want, I want, I want to stay here because I just started, just started doing well after 11 years. I don't want to be too cryptic, but I will tell you this, you got to enjoy whatever you're fucking doing. You got to enjoy the time you have here. And don't invest yourself in shit unless you really are prepared to do the work of

investing yourself in it, you know? I remember during the Bush Gore election, 7-Eleven was selling coffee cups as to who you voted for. Yeah. And I went to my nanny in grandpa's house and my nanny was saying that they had to stop doing that. 7-Eleven had to stop doing that because people were throwing the hot coffee at each other. And we all laughed.

We all laughed at that because we said, what are you going to do? It was funny. It was funny that I mean, now it's, you think they're selling those coffee cups this year? You think they're selling Trump Biden coffee cups? You think we could ever get back to a healthy democracy where you could sell a hot beverage in a cup that identifies who you voted for? How scary is it that you can't do that, by the way? They could, they could barely do it in 2000.

They could barely do it then. But I'm wondering when we will ever get back to that place where you could literally, you know, sell, here's your 32 ounce cup of hot liquid with who you voted for on it. Be safe, go enjoy, go enjoy the land. I don't mean don't care about everything. I mean, you're caring about the wrong things. Caring about the wrong things. Right.

Right. Look at these YouTubers. They all made all this money by going like, what are they, what are they, review serials, these people? They're trillionaires because they're, because that's, they realize they're like smarter than all of us. People are trying to figure out the world. They're like, I like apple jocks.

That's the move. That's the move. Half of these YouTubers are like, I'm on a plane now. People are like, I planes, planes, but that's it. They're actually right. The Tik Tokers are actually right that, and maybe I've been in LA for too long, but that's when you start, when you look at the state of the world and you see a bunch of kids like and I go, Oh, they're right.

That's what social media should be. I'm doing a dumb little dance and not a 300 comment thread about trade on Facebook, which you don't know anything about. You don't know what it is. That's when you know you're, you're crazy, you know, and crazy in the, in the truest sense of the word. At a certain point, you've got to give it to some of these YouTubers who were just like, the world is over.

It is falling. And I just want to do things that will pass the time for people so they don't start militias and blow each other's brains out. And that's, that's the best version of YouTube are people are going, Hey, don't start a militia. Let's talk about candy. Don't join ISIS. Why? Because I'm going to give someone a Lamborghini.

Okay. That's the best version of that. I'm going to open a gift. Don't kill your wife. Watch me open a gift. You go, Oh, good. Hey, don't put that cat in the microwave. There's Pokemon cards here.

We're going to play a game. How many kids don't shoot up schools because they get to watch David Dobrik give people Lamborghinis probably a lot. So I'm not against any of that. I think it's good. It's just a wasting the time. That's what we have to do. We just have to run out the clock.

You see? It's running at the, we're just running at the clock. We're only here for a little while. We're going to hear forever. You're not going to solve it. You dumb fuck. Think you're going to solve it? The problems aren't even new.

They've been around forever. The problems must be real problems, huh? So we're just running out the clock. We're just trying to prevent an incredible explosion of physical violence that will bleed into every aspect of American life. And what do we do? And how do we do that? We, we run out the clock with garbage shit.

I wish this stuff was a little better. I'd prefer a few more Woody Allen movies, a few thinkers, but the country doesn't want that. So it's okay. What am I going to tell the country what they want? What do they want to watch? What do they want to watch? Guy making a table.

Guy making a table. Hey, don't worry about whose skull is what shape. Watch me sand the table. We're running out the clock here. All the art you consume, including maybe even this show, is running out the clock. And it's important to do because if you don't do it, the demons are going to win. So to keep the demons at bay, you do your little dance, you do your little zoom Thanksgiving, you do your video for this woman that just turned 80, because at a certain point you're

going to hear your parents' car door shut. And then that's it. And you go to look around the house and you're going to go, the party's fucking over. But at that time, you don't want to look around and say, fuck, this looked like a lot of fun. And I wish I had some of this fun. You want to say, you know what, the party's over, but I got that toothy blow job. I threw up a lot of rum in the pool. I broke a lamp and blamed it on someone else.

And guess what? I'll take my punishment like a man or a woman or a non-binary entity.