The Tim Dillon Show - 225 - Friendsgiving

Starting point is 00:00:00 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. We are, I believe, in the death rows here of the Trump administration. The aides are coming in and telling him it's time to let it go. I believe he's got his family now. He's got Ivanka. He's got Jared. He's got his sons, Don Jr. and Eric. He's got Rudy Giuliani. And that's a small group in the camp of Don't Concede. And then I think most people now are starting to say, hey, I don't know. I don't know what you do if you're him. I don't know. I think you leave probably and go and do something else. I don't, you know, I don't know why you're doing this into the first place. Can't get anything done. The deep state and everyone else is against it. It's like, what, what is the point? Like, truly,

Starting point is 00:00:57 what is the point? Like, if it's hopelessly corrupt, which I might even agree with him on, like if, if he sat down and had lunch with me after this and went, the whole thing's fucked, I'd go, I will agree with you. Why even do it for the rallies, for the fun? I mean, just to be springsteen, to get out on a stage and like rock out. Like, if you, you know, I get it. The guy believes that he can do something. You can't. I mean, it's clear that you cannot. I don't know. I mean, I don't want to be too negative, but even by his own admission, the swamp, his words is just, you know, too great to be drained. Maybe, maybe it's time to go. I don't know anything about voting or a voting irregularities. I've spoken to a lot of people

Starting point is 00:01:53 that go, this isn't happening. People at Fox News, Republicans, people that wanted them to win, people that have a lot of fucking money and wanted the guy to win. And they're like, there's no real evidence of these, these massive voting irregularities. A lot of them are like troll things where they're like, this guy who's 2000 years old voted in Wisconsin. And then you look it up and you're like, that's not true. And I'm sure every election, there are some voting irregularities. It means like how many of them are there? How big of a problem is it? Recount, do whatever you need to do, recount it, make everybody happy. You know, again, I don't know. I don't, these vote counting operations,

Starting point is 00:02:48 I don't know what's going on there. Trump has filed a lot of lawsuits. I don't know the merit that they have or not. I think he probably lost. I feel like that. I don't know if they, if they stole the election from him, unless you want to say that all the mail and ballots are invalid and which I don't think you can do. I think it makes sense to say that the people that took COVID very seriously probably voted for Biden and that Trump won in the day of voting, but in the mail and ballots, they are going to heavily break for Biden because those are people that probably for the reason of COVID didn't want to vote. So I don't, is there a tremendous group of people that's like, I'm not voting because of COVID, I'm, but I'm voting for Trump?

Starting point is 00:03:42 Probably not. There's probably not a huge contingent of people that are like, I'm afraid of COVID and so much that I won't walk into a voting place and I love Trump. That's logically, I just go, that's probably not a huge group. Well, I don't put anything past anybody. I don't know, but I think it's getting to the point now where even like Trump's close advisors are going, Hey, what are we going to do here? What's the plan? I think he could use this opportunity to give one of the most scathing concession speeches in American political history, the most scathing and entertaining. Don't even mention Biden by name. Don't even mention Kamala by name. Kamala.

Starting point is 00:04:40 Rogan kept correcting me. Kamala. Don't mention them by name. Just do a scathing concession speech. Don't even concede, but you got to leave, but don't even concede. I won. How about this resign so that Pence can pardon you for whatever they try to go at you for when you leave? I'm not trying to be a naysayer. I know a lot of people are angry with me. They're like, no, he's got to fight on. For what? It's over. And guess what? The AOC, who I called the Genocidal Maniac on Twitter today, and I stand by that. She's done too. She's done the, the right of the, the young right wingers and the young left wing. They're all done. Corporate power one. They won. And you are now, you're going to go from zoomer to boomer, the zoomer to boomer pipeline.

Starting point is 00:05:55 And this is what's going out within a year. You're going to forget that you ever believed in anything within a year. Within three years, you're going to have a shitty job, a girlfriend or boyfriend. You're going to start liking the entertainment that comes out and you're going to start pricing out cruises because coronavirus is going to be over and you're going to go, I want to go on a cruise. You're going to start eat it. You're going to move to a shitty suburb and you're going to start going out to eat at a local restaurant and that, and it's over now. And AOC could tweet all she wants about, let's put all the names of people that ever said anything positive about Trump. Look at this lunatic. Is anyone archiving these Trump sick offense for when they try to downplay

Starting point is 00:06:44 or deny their complicity in the future? I foresee decent probability of many deleted tweets, writings, photos in the future. This woman has the same impulses as Donald Trump, authoritarian impulses. She wants to start making lists of people that supported Trump. I mean, that's a problem. No, but really Trump got a higher percentage of the African American vote and Latino vote. Young people did not come out again as they never do. The socialist coalition just didn't work. Didn't work. You've got Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. You've got two Republicans essentially in the White House. So the extremes on both sides ended up losing its business as usual. Who told you that? Who told you that? Sorry. I hate being right. I'm right. We can

Starting point is 00:07:57 week out all the time and I tell you people things and you get mad at me for being correct. What an odd thing to be mad at a person for being on the money all the time. Here's what's going to happen. No. What? And then it happens and they're still angry with me. It's back to business as usual. Don't worry about it. We've only got a few more years left on earth. Enjoy it. It'll be fine. Go back to, I predict what's going to happen. This is what I predict. I could be wrong, but I'm never wrong. I predict when COVID ends, when Trump is out, we are going to enter another era of goofy, silly comedy and entertainment. I believe that we are heading towards a great era potentially of people like Jim Carrey, people like Eddie Murphy, people that are not

Starting point is 00:09:09 focused on the political, the social commentary. To a degree, you'll have those people that are funny, that are in that space. But I think you're going to see a return to goofy and thank God for that. I hope. It's my hope. It's my hope. Imagine if people got more serious after this. I don't think so. Imagine that. Could it happen? Colbert is crying. All the late night hosts cry every week. I mean, what else could they do? Throw tantrums. I guess they could lay on the floor and pound their fists like a child. But I mean, they cry every week. It's a regular occurrence now to see late night comedians crying. How could that get more serious? I imagine they're going to get goofy again. Here he comes. I mean, look at this person. What is he wearing?

Starting point is 00:10:05 He looks like a Vegas lounge shinger. He's in all black. What is he doing? I don't know. He makes tens of millions of dollars a year. And he's dressed like a divorced history teacher who's going out on the first date he's had in six months. Christ. So we all knew he would do this. This is late night comedy. I mean, what I didn't know is that it would hurt so much. Yeah. These are comedians. I didn't expect this to break my heart. These are comedians in 2020. That's a comedian cast a dark shadow on our most sacred right from the briefing room in the White

Starting point is 00:10:54 House, our house, not his. That is devastating. This, this is heartbreaking for the same reason that I didn't want him to get COVID. Certainly why I wanted him to survive because he is the president of the United States. That office means something and that office should have some shred of decency. Okay. Well, those are comedians. So that's the comedy that you've been provided with for the last four years. Maybe that will change. Like perhaps this will be the catalyst in the business that I'm in because occasionally I do mention that not all the time because I don't think everything's about comedy. And I don't think that like the kind of comedy you get justifies whatever happening. If you love Trump, I get it. This is not a good consolation prize that these

Starting point is 00:11:47 people stop crying. I'm just saying an unintended consequence might be that there might be a, you know, some silly comedy coming back. You know, nothing too serious. I don't know if that's the case or not. Everyone is so serious now. I would have to dinner tonight in a parking lot surrounded by traffic cones. Thanks Gavin Newsom because we can't walk in a building unless we promise to burn it down BLM. So we have to sit in a parking lot surrounded by traffic cones to have dinner. And this we're in Echo Park, Los Angeles, which is a nightmare. It's a rapidly decaying hellscape. And it's full of these artists and pseudo intellectuals, but primarily dilettantes, people that think they're in the arts and are not. People are under the impression

Starting point is 00:12:51 they are comedians and are not. And then of course you get a few comedians here and there. We're sitting in and this restaurant called Tex, which is a horrible name, but it's a good restaurant. It's country French as the waitress told us. She is not showered in weeks and she has her ratty hair clinging to her face in Infenement sweat. And she said, it's country French cuisine. She is correct about that. And the food is very good. The food is very good. But Tex, what's it called? Tex doesn't matter. Folks, it's gone anyway. It did. T A I acts French restaurant and it's really good. It's been there since 1927. Well, what's coming in a high rise in Echo Park because more people need to live in condos

Starting point is 00:13:49 in Echo Park. So they have a high rise coming in and this restaurant is closing. We all know that. We all know that. And instead of just enjoying one of our last meals, of course, we have the waitress who we have to relive her horror for the entirety of the meal. She's telling us about the owner and if the owner is not really doing anything and the owner doesn't let them know what's going on and they don't know when they're closing and he didn't, you know, she goes, well, we had to set this whole thing up. We had to get the tables and chairs from the downstairs. And then she's talking about the councilwoman. I hope Nithya wins because some socialist candidate, she goes, I hope Nithya wins. You know, she's taking deep breaths and I want to

Starting point is 00:14:38 grab her and say, with all due respect, can you shut your mouth, please? We are trying to enjoy a meal. Can you shut your mouth? Every time she came near the table, I mean, she looked wounded. I'm like, do we have to take you to a hospital? I know it's been a tough five months. I know you haven't worked. Can you pull it together for Christ? I can't deal with it. Shut up about the city councilwoman who you think is going to save your life. I hope she wins. I hope she wins this gaunt heroin addict at the French restaurant. And this is all the servers now, all of the servers, because now it's the fall and I'm doing a lot of, you know, one of my sports, which I go out to dinner now. And this is kind of my sport. We kind of settle into the, from now until January,

Starting point is 00:15:28 this is going out to dinner season. You see people you haven't seen in a while. And now, because I live in Los Angeles, you get to go out to dinner and parking lots and alleys and things like that. And it's great. But the servers now are like they're, they have this weird, like they're wearing their heart on their sleeve because they've been out of work for so long and everything's been so tragic for so long. And they feel like you have to sit there and like take it. You have to like stomach their nightmare of a life while you try to eat, you know, risotto. And you have to sit there and go, yeah, so the owners doesn't, he doesn't even tell you when it's closing, huh? What do you want from us? You want to come live with us?

Starting point is 00:16:23 Is that what you envision happens at the end of this? I go, well, why don't you live with us? It seems fair. Don't tell me that you hope a certain politician won during dinner. Who cares? Leave it alone. It's potentially a volatile conversation because I hope, I hope she won. I hope she won. I'm sleeping in this lot. God, I'm trying to eat food. That's a little expensive and I don't want to feel guilty about it. So can you get out of here? I mean, the woman had the look of somebody who like chases down semen with cough syrup under a bridge without like the spunky, fun loving personality. You'd imagine someone like that having. I don't want a super serious in the midst of a crisis server. Put it together. I just did a big

Starting point is 00:17:26 election live stream with Rogan. I was tired. The Airbnb canceled on us. I didn't get any sleep the night before. I got an argument with Dan, the kid that opens for me and I made him go sit under a tree. I'm like, I don't want to look. We can't even be in the same parking lot. We get to Rogan's early. Nobody's there. We got to sit on the curb because the Airbnb couldn't get a cleaning crew in the days and night. Man, you know what I did? I went to work. I shut my mouth and went to work and we had a great time. I didn't make everybody participate in my misfortune. It's not fair. Keep it close to the vest and here's another thing. I got to be very honest with you and I know this isn't popular enough with the donating to the kids in the hospital

Starting point is 00:18:18 with cancer. No one believes that the money is going to them and it's the same kid over and over again. You're not fooling me. It's the same bald kid over and over again. Can you tell them apart? It's the same. Why am I going to the fat store and don't everyone in the fat store is dying? Why are there more dead people when I check out? Can you explain to me why I got to look at this cancerous child who looks pretty fucking skinny by the way? All the fat people when they check out at the fat store have to look at these emaciated children with jealous fuck. We're not donating money. We want to know how they look like that. How do they see their ribcage? And I got to look at emaciated cancer kids to make me feel like shit and then you got to

Starting point is 00:19:16 ask me for a dollar to help these skinny fucks. I think not. Let me out of the fat store and just let me go. Any other thing DXL you pieces of shit stop giving the paper $25 reward. Get rid of the rewards at the fat store. Number one, get rid of them. We shouldn't even have the fat rewards at DXL. You shouldn't say, hey, you're fat again this month. Here's $25. Come back here next month if you don't have a coronary and get $25 off $190 shirt because apparently it's four times the price of anything else because you're fat. So they give you this $25 little piece of thing and you lose it. They don't give you any digital rewards. You lose it and they go bring it back next month. They give you and I yell at them. Now I go, this is bullshit. I get right in

Starting point is 00:20:22 their face. I go, you know, I'm going to lose it. You say I'm going to bring it in next month. I said none. I scream and I might say none of the fat fucks who shop here are going to remember this little piece of paper and we're going to eat it. So do it digitally or don't do it at all. Email us or don't do it at all. And enough with the St. Jude's hospital. Hey, donate to these skinny fucks. No thanks. That's just a PSA for the fat store, which I'm trying very hard to not have to go to anymore because I've only shopped there for the last three years and it is very depressing that store. And the people that work there are very different every now and then it's nice to

Starting point is 00:21:11 see someone who's much fatter than me there. You will see someone who's like 500 pounds and that makes you feel great. That makes you feel great when somebody just waddles in and that's great. You feel hot. You start looking at yourself like I'm hot as fuck when this fat knee walks in and the guy, his knees are just buckling and he's just like and he can barely speak. You can just kind of motion with his arm and his arm is not even an arm anymore. It's just like a wing. It's like a wing of fat and he's always with some like handler, nurse or whatever and they're just trying to like wrap a coat around them. I feel hot as fuck. I jerk off the dressing room like, yeah, that's right. But enough. But we're back. We had

Starting point is 00:22:09 a nice dinner at this place. I'm not shitting on this. I liked the restaurant and I liked the restaurant. I just, I would just request that the waitress shut her mouth. Also, don't tell me you've been working here a trillion years. That depresses all of us. It's just depressing to all of us. It depresses all of us when you tell us you've been there 12 years. That's depresses everybody. That's not something where we're supposed to congratulate you. I've been here 12 years. We go. Good. Okay. Good. I had fun taping a YouTube thing today with Cody co YouTuber, very funny, nice guy, like a genuinely nice person, very nice, a good guy, pretty girlfriend, serfs like, you know, just a person that, you know, it has no reason to not be a good person. You know what I

Starting point is 00:23:06 mean? And we went and tried milkshakes at slushy land. Okay. I'm not really a huge milkshake. I mean, he goes, would you like to do a dessert? And of course, you know, because his show is called sweet tooth and I said like, yeah, I'd like to do like a chocolate souffle. But I mean, it's LA. So what are you, these people don't know what a chocolate souffle is, right? Right. So we went to slushy land. You know, it was fine. It's fun. Go support slushy land, by the way, if you're in the valley, I don't want that. I'm not shitting on slushy land. I, you know, it was good. It's the cereal ice cream thing that everybody's doing. I don't know what, I don't know what that is. I don't understand what, what the obsession is with cereal other

Starting point is 00:23:55 than magic spoon, which is essential. But I don't understand why everybody now cannot, everybody has to, everybody's trying to recapture their childhood. Everything is a, you know, nostalgia based activity. And the slushy land, they do a lot of cereal. And we had these weird shaved ice corn things. Interesting. It was odd. It was odd. Did you like the corn shaved ice? I did not. I didn't really enjoy it. I spit it out too. But that's okay. What are you going to do? Ben spits it out of the block because I hope they didn't see, hope they didn't see me spitting it out. I'm like, thanks a lot. Making me look bad. I'm trying to do a little party for friendsgiving. I used to hate friendsgivings and I still kind

Starting point is 00:24:51 of do because I hate other people and I don't like them near me. But I do want to do a little one in which we're trying to put together a, a friendsgiving. I always, I didn't like the connotation of friendsgiving. I always thought it was kind of like, I, especially in New York city, because to me, New York city of friendsgiving should be like two transgender people or gay people who had been kicked out of their house in the Midwest, who can't go home for Thanksgiving, who do cocaine together in the East Village bar. That's what friendsgiving should be. It should not be like a cluster of young professionals drinking cold brew and talking about corporate music festivals, which is really what it is. And that disgusts me. But New York

Starting point is 00:25:33 city, the city I love is dead and I don't care about it anymore. And I don't care about whatever, whatever hell they want to create over there, they can do it. But yeah, so that's why the friendsgiving, I don't like, like the young professional thing is not for me. Like it's this confident, like paint by numbers life where people are like, I want to do what everybody else has done and I want to get what they've gotten. And I want to, I want to check every box and I want to go to this school and major in this and do this and do that. It's just never been for me. I don't, I don't look down on the people who live like that. I understand why a lot of people have to live like that, but that's my aversion to friendsgiving.

Starting point is 00:26:22 I don't like these, these created things, right? I don't, I don't like, I don't like corporate music festivals. I never liked that because it all, it felt, you know, everybody was corraled into what Governor's Island or whatever. And they're like, and here's the 12 acts and here's what you see. And, and, and to me, I just, I want to go out in the world and find things and enjoy. And I want to, I want my music to be people that are broken down and it's almost over and they're performing in a bar in Austin, Texas. And they're bleeding as they sing, they're bleeding, their hands are bleeding and they're barely making sense anymore. And they're just, they're, they're really just saying one sentence over and over. They're going,

Starting point is 00:27:07 we're all going to die tomorrow. We're all going to die today. And everybody there watching them is kind of transfixed by this. And you know, they don't have any success and they want to die. And that's the type of music I like. I don't really, I like all kinds of music. I just, I gravitate. I'm of course kidding a little, but like guys like James Mcmurphy where I can go and see them in the Continental Club at midnight on Wednesday in Austin, Texas. And he's fucking great and he murders and he's great, you know, phenomenal. And, and I went with your friend Travis and we saw that show and it was great. And there was nothing about it that was like thought up in a board. This is very different than the corporate steakhouse, which I adore.

Starting point is 00:27:55 But when it comes to music, I like it to be a little rough around the edges when I see music. And I know that there's big acts and I've seen Springsteen and Tina Turner, all these massive planets. I get it. But like the corporate music festival, I also sobered up before all of this fun stuff. I sobered up before it was fun, before they really started designing activities for people to just do drugs. I used to have to do drugs and go about my regular day. I, this wasn't a theme park of drugs. When I was, you know, really using, yeah, there was Lollapalooza. There was things like that. But now I mean, they just literally create events for young professionals to go and do Molly or whatever they're doing and, you know, have fun. I just missed out on that.

Starting point is 00:28:49 You know, I had to sit there. I had to do cocaine in an office. Okay. With sweaty, middle-aged, delusional psychopaths who were losing everything. And that wasn't exactly the party, was it? I had to sit there and do lines of cocaine in an office where next to me some fat slob was eating a chicken parmesan that he could barely afford. That was the party. Isn't it fun? When I look back on my drug use, what a waste. What a waste. I should have been on Governor's Island rolling around in the grass, but I was not. Why? Because I was listening to a presentation in the Huntington Hilton, Coke to the Gills, trying to learn how to sell mortgages. What a waste. What a horrible life. What a horror. That's why when I go to dinner,

Starting point is 00:29:57 I don't need your nightmares. You don't think I have nightmares? Why don't you sit down? I'll tell you about my life. Yes. Oh, you're upset that the restaurant's closing? I lived in fear. My sexuality was fear-based. I couldn't be honest with anyone. My mother's a schizophrenic. My father's is a salesman who like doesn't sell anything. I was a salesman who didn't sell anything. I spent a decade doing cocaine, and instead of fucking on a beach, I sat in an office in Long Island. What? And now I just want to forget that happened and have a castle at the French restaurant that's closing without you and your pain attaching yourself to my dinner. We all don't have problems. You want me to do my problems every minute of every day? It's what I like about Dan.

Starting point is 00:31:03 Dan didn't have any problems. That's why I like having Dan around. He doesn't know what problems are. He's perplexed. This kid grew up in a cult. He grew up in a Christian cult. They made him think he had no value when he was going to hell and they were right. He knows the darkness. He knows what it is. He's from Texas. They don't speak to each other. They all just stare at the sky until the end. That's all they do. They stare at the sky until a merciful God smites them. And we're just trying to have chocolate mousse in a parking lot without your aura. Is it too much to ask? But that's what I like about Dan. If Dan just doesn't, he doesn't understand. His biggest problem is that his mom was mean to him once. That's his issue. He'll be like,

Starting point is 00:32:04 yeah, my mom was a little mean to me. Let me tell you right now. I wish to God my mother could have been mean to me. She was at Wendy's collecting toy sets. She was collecting Disney toy sets and cataloging them and putting them under her bed. And during Hurricane Sandy, they all floated down the street and Princess Diana Bears finally made their escape and floated down the street in Long Island. And I had to walk through them getting into the house. Yes, it would be nice if my mother was mean to me. But that's why I keep him around because he lightens me up. This guy darkens me, but I need that. We can't do the show with Dan. Dan doesn't understand any of it. I start screaming and yelling about the horrors. Dan goes, I don't understand.

Starting point is 00:32:57 What about girls in the pool in the frat? I say no to the frat. I say every day I go to the fat store and have to look at these skinny cancer fucks on the way out, makes me feel like shit. And Dan will go, but they're sick. And I go, no, I'm sick of it. But that's why it's good to have him around. You need someone around who has a different life experience than you who doesn't know what the horrors are. He doesn't know what the horrors are. You know, he's proud of his dad. His dad gets two bronze stars and I rack. I'd be proud. My father worked at Coletile. He worked at Coletile. Do you understand? That's where fat women from Long Island come in and he, I think he got fired from that. He couldn't handle the rigors of Coletile.

Starting point is 00:33:56 This guy's dad has two bronze stars. My father drove a Mazda Navajo that's for people that can't afford a Ford Explorer. Some Mazda Navajo. Your dad has two bronze stars. You complain about it. You don't, you're not allowed to complain about anything. You're from good people. They're pedigree. They're pedigree people. These are real people. Bronze stars. I love my father, but I mean, he sells wine. He's like me. He's full of shit. But that's why I like to keep Dan around. It's like, you don't make a lot of friends in life. And in my age of 35, you really don't make any friends. Friends are a problem for the most, but that's what you people need to, that's the other thing that disgusts me about young people.

Starting point is 00:34:49 It's like, you need to understand that your friends are a problem. I love, I mean, listen, I just got made Godfather to a beautiful baby boy that my friends, because now I have a little money, so they made me Godfather. Let's get very real about what that is, but that's okay. But I love him. He's a beautiful little baby boy, but I'm now worried about this little guy, you know, and I like his parents, but I mean, you know, I mean, if something happens to them, I got to raise this little guy, you know? And I think a lot of the time that I should kind of raise them. And they're good. They're fine. I'm just saying that like, your friends become a liability is my point. They just handed me the kid. I'm sitting there. They're like,

Starting point is 00:35:35 I don't know what they're doing. They just hand me the kid. I'm sitting in my backyard. The dog, the bulldog's running around like destroying the house. The kid's like, the kid's six weeks old. He's like riding the bulldog around the house. Then they come hand me the kid and go, and that's, you're the Godfather now. You're the Godfather. And by the way, where's the check? Huh? And I appreciate that, but your friends are a liability now. They're going to want things from you. So what's good about Dan is that he's just, he's a little bit of a brat and he doesn't know how good he's fucking had it. So every day I tell him, I tell him, and he'll get sick of that soon and not be friends with me anymore. But I tell him all the time, this is how good you fucking had it.

Starting point is 00:36:16 You've got a great, you've had a great fucking life and you don't understand the horrors that I've been, the nightmares that my life has been. It's, it's, it's indescribable. My mother, I made her take me to Lyserk, you've been, and in eighth grade Lyserk 2000 in the Palace Hotel, and this bitch wore a sweater with a cat on it. And immediately the maitre d was like, Oh good, the trash pigs are here. So I got to walk through the dining room at Lyserk with my mother with a sweater with a cat on it. Is that not as bad as getting shot by the cops at a hoodie on? I'm asking. I've never been shot by the cops. I'm asking a question. Is that not as bad? I think it's on par. I think it's on par. Let me go speak to victims of police violence. I believe they will agree with me that it is on par

Starting point is 00:37:24 to walk into a French restaurant with your mother who's wearing like a cat's like a Winnie the Pooh sweater to Lyserk. This goofy bitch. Dan's probably the last friend I'll make. I'll make a few career friends. You can't make too many more friends. I'm 35. I'm full with friends. The friends that I have now are starting to become a problem and they will become more and more of a problem. So I can't, you know, I love the little guy. I'm going to be a great Godfather. I'm going to give the money. I'm going to watch out for it, but it's like, I can't. God forbid I become friends with another couple that wants me to be a God. I can't do it. What am I going to do? I mean, I guess I can, but I mean, you know, this couple,

Starting point is 00:38:14 usually most couples you're Godfather. You go, yeah, I'm the kid will be great. This couple. I'm like, I probably am going to, I might have to step in here, raise a kid. I might have to raise a kid. I might have to call Child Protective Services on them to take the kid. I might call a lawyer and I may get the kid now to just avoid the embarrassment of later on. You know, I'm kidding. Of course it's a comedy show. I miss Donald Trump already. I do miss, I do miss him. I miss him a little bit. He's not gone yet and yet I miss him, but I think his post presidency, he's not going to be like Jimmy Carter. I mean, this guy, Jimmy Carter just goes and builds houses for the homeless. I mean, you want to talk about boring and by the way, and by the way,

Starting point is 00:39:08 I don't even, I don't even know anymore like what the homeless answer is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. Homeless people have become so, like they're, they're like, we should utilize that skill set that they have. Like in LA, they live on like an overpass while cars just go by them at 90 miles an hour. There's gotta be, like that's kind of impressive. And there's gotta be a way to key into that. Like a guy who starts every day walking across a busy highway in sandals, something's, something's going on there that I think is positive. But I don't know. I don't know how to go in and get it. I don't know how to go in and get it, that's all. But I look at many of the homeless people around town and I go,

Starting point is 00:40:07 and this is probably the wrong feeling. I gotta say this delicately. I say everything delicately here. You understand? But I look at some of the homeless people around town and I go, good for them. Like they're doing it. They're really doing it. And I think we're not nearly as positive about homelessness as we should be. I think we should be more positive. Like, why don't put up banners that say you're the LA homeless? We're doing it. What about a banner that says, hey, homeless for another year? You're doing it. You're still raising your kids. They're still alive. We're doing it. Why not? I'm serious because things are so bad. Why not be a little positive about it? It's not going away. We're not making it better. So why not

Starting point is 00:41:04 like do like a campaign to make people feel good about being homeless? Like stop shaming them for being homeless. And I like that we're saying unhoused now. So we don't even call them homeless. We say just unhoused. Like temporarily. Let's move full force into a branded campaign. Make homelessness cool. What about that? What about if it was, what if it was cool to not have a house? Think about it. Remember the sixties? You don't remember it. People like lived in fields. They lived, they were in cults. They lived in communes. It was kind of cool. They're like, fuck it, dude, get a house that should, that's square. I don't want to be a square. Why not like have that happened again? Make people feel cool for being homeless.

Starting point is 00:42:06 Why am I not asked how to solve these things? Make it feel, look, look, I live, I live on a highway. I don't live in a condo. I live on a fucking highway. There's something badass about that. We need to lean into it as a society and as a culture. You know, COVID has become, it is now back. The cases are up. If I do a friend's giving, I got to get COVID tests for everybody. If they come over because I've decided to stay in LA for another year and we have a, we got a house for a year. And if people come over now, I have to test them for Corona. This is what you have to do now. If you haven't invented your house, you've got to set up an ER in the house for people. You got to set up IV bags. You got to, you got to have a full

Starting point is 00:43:02 thing. So what, what I'm doing is I got to figure out like how to get a doctor or a nurse to sit outside my home and do COVID rapid COVID tests for everybody that wants to come in and eat meatballs or whatever. And I get it. I get it. You got to be responsible, but it adds money. It adds whatever, but you got to do it. I want to invite, here's what I want to do with the friend's giving. Go with me on this. Here's what I want. This is the, I want to want this guest list. Ready? Nelk, Barry Weiss. She likes the show. I want Barry, Barry Weiss, right? The, the Nelk kids that blow up cars and stuff. Barry Weiss, Ryan Philippi, fan of the show, 90s hardthrob, early 2000s hardthrob, fan of the show. Jeff Garland, fan of the show. Have him there. Okay. Now we need diversity.

Starting point is 00:44:10 We talked about this. We can't, and I, you know, what if we flew in Candace Owens to come to the friend's giving? I want to reach out to your manager and go, I will pay Candace Owens $10,000. I will thank you patrons. This is where your money's going. I will fly Candace Owens and, and have Candace Owens and Nelk recreate the George Floyd incident. Oh God. Yes or yes? Yes. And Barry Weiss write an article and say that it's okay. This is the friend's giving that I would like. I'm asking if this is possible. I'm not saying that I want a friend's gift. My parties are not for people to get drunk and have sex and enjoy each other's company. I want an awkward time where people that don't like

Starting point is 00:45:24 each other and shouldn't like each other suffer. That's why I want to fill the room with like controversial people and then retards and then literally just see what out like YouTubers and conservative pundits and far left people and just a nightmare where it's not fun and no one understands why they're there and no one understands why I put them there. That's what I want. Like the Nelk parties are fun, right? Tits are out, full send, everyone's like enjoying themselves. I can't explain to you how I want my party to be the opposite of that. I want Barry Weiss in the kitchen like arguing with Ethan Klein about something, trying to find common ground. I don't know. He'll probably find it,

Starting point is 00:46:22 but that's what I would like. I would like that. That's what I want. I want Cody Co and Candace Owens to discuss the appetizers. I want Ryan Philippi to be there and to have a discussion with, I don't know, James Baker. We can't get him. We know his granddaughter, but that's the type of party I want. A sexless, awkward, stilted, anxiety producing, strange, hellish, pointless thing that amuses me. I just want to be amused for a few hours if I spend the money. I just want to be amused. That's all I want. So there's all these Hollywood Hills parties that are like super cool. I just want eggplant Parmesan and people discussing the election. And I want it divided between like YouTubers who don't know that an election happened and like people that have been

Starting point is 00:47:43 canceled. I'll get everybody. I will get, I will have a karaoke party with Barry Weiss and Crystallia. Yes or yes. Barry Weiss, Crystallia, Brian Callan, Candace Owens, Tim Dillon, the Nelk people, karaoke, maybe Don Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle. Just awkward people of paranoid that they're going to be canceled if a photo leaks. They don't want to be, they're upset that they're there. That's what I want. If I'm going to do a Friendsgiving, it's going to be, I want it to be that something that gets people going, who is that? Who is that? I want, I want to look in a corner of the room and see Steve Bannon explaining the conflict with China to Jake Paul. Like that's what I want to see. I want to see that.

Starting point is 00:49:10 I want to, I want to see that happen. That's fine. Then I can leave LA. I'm like going to do another year here, but I only want to do a year here if I could just kind of create these moments that just amuse me. They don't matter. It's not going to matter. It still cares. No one's going to care. I just want to be amused because I think life is a joke because it is. So I just want to behave in a manner that is like that. I want to throw events that are like that. I just want to throw events that are like that, you know, where people can, people from all walks of life, but really the same walk of life, which is narcissism, that's truly what it is. All of the people I mentioned as different as they are, they're addicted to themselves and they're addicted

Starting point is 00:50:10 to attention. And I think putting them in a room and serving them food that's much better than they can even appreciate. People in LA, nobody knows anything. Nobody knows anything about good food. I mean, it would be a waste, right? This is a waste. I can serve them cat food and go get Oscar's dish and pass it around. They go, yeah, yeah. But that's the type of event that I would like to do. And I hope we get there. I don't know that we will. I'm going to try. Are you going to Texas for Thanksgiving? No, no, stay in here. Interesting. Yeah. A lot of people are not traveling. A lot of people are not traveling for the holidays. We might go to New York in December. Yeah. They're shutting it all down, but New York's now got the National Guard

Starting point is 00:50:58 out. We almost got the guard. Meatball has the guard out in the airports now. How about you get the National Guard to surround your brother's house because he's a liar liar, liar pants on fire. I mean, I'm kind of I really fed up with New York. I'd love to go back. But I just don't I think COVID COVID is just gonna the winter is shot. The winter is shot. We've rescheduled the dates in Denver and Omaha, Kansas City. I've explained why a lot of these clubs are cutting capacity this, that and the other thing on the other end of this. And then a lot of them are like, well, we're not canceled yet, but we are hearing things that we may be can't. I'm like, I just want to let's just put it three months in the future where

Starting point is 00:51:49 we can do it and we could do it in a capacity. Hopefully that is back to us. So we just got to get over the second, whatever it is, second wave, second hump. And then we can go back out, make people laugh live, because that's what we want to do. But but until then, we are podcasting here, we're podcasting on Patreon. And that's what we're doing. We're not we're, you know, we're just trying to live. We're trying to go out to dinner. We're trying to, you know, connect with friends with people we don't like, but we have to see when you're when you're in your 30s, your friends are just people you know. They're not even people you like really. They're just people you've met. That's true. They're people you've met because it's all month in your 30s. I'm 35. What

Starting point is 00:52:39 starts to happen is you start to have this realization that you're like, you know, the golden moments of friendship when you're like, you're like young and you're like, we're gonna, we're gonna take over the world and we're gonna go to college and bang so many bitches or whatever. And then you find out that you're gay and you're not going to college and your parents have no money and they're degenerates. And then and then it's all over with the friend. What are your friendships? What do we do with the friendships? And then the only friends you have are people that come up to you and they go, I think you're so talented. And then then you find out that they're living in a pool of blood. So what, you know,

Starting point is 00:53:25 so that so you have a small group. We got a small group of friends. I got a small group of friends. Ben is frat kid Dan smarter than most frat kids Barry wise. I never met Barry. I've never even met Barry. I suppose she's a fan of the show. I don't even know what that I don't even know what that means. She looks like a pastry. You know what I mean? She says very incendiary things, but she's got a very doughy face that you imagine like gives you some type of baked good. Supposedly she wanted to have lunch with me. I'll have lunch with her. I don't care. Should I, should I do a video as Barry wise? She's on the view now. Oh yeah. Barry wise is on the view.

Starting point is 00:54:20 Man, the view just won't die. Huh? The view's been around forever. Yeah, I can't play any clips, but yeah. Yeah, she's on the view. Don't play any clips. Look at our girl Megan. Did Megan have the baby yet? I think so. Man, Barry wise and Megan McCain. This guy's sawing their cocks off. Yeah, she gave birth. Good for her. Good for her. I mean, the bitch blocked me. What did I do? Add a little minute of fun at your expense and you got angry at me for no reason. I did nothing wrong. She looks good. Yeah, she does. Good for her. She looks good.

Starting point is 00:55:23 Is that, is that where he bought her? I'm kidding folks. What is that a farm? I guess it's her ranch or something. God like, hey, God love them. I wish them the best. I wish them the best. Any news on the election before we get out of here? Let's see. What if Trump pulls it out? I would laugh. Let me tell you right now. If Trump pulls it out, I would laugh so hard. Look at these two goons. Look at these two. I mean, could the rotting corpse of America have a better representation than these two goofs? Trump was a pretty good one, but these two are just as good. Joe Biden and Kamala. Biden Harris. It just sounds like a fucking scam. Biden Harris. It's like, you know, it's not going to be much

Starting point is 00:56:23 better. He's going to make it a year, a year and a half and she's in and she'll do the, she'll do the eight. She'll do the, no one's going to beat her in 2024. Maybe they will. I don't know. How do you, how do you follow Trump? You took a bit of an act to follow. It's tough to follow Trump, right? Really hard to follow him. But what we will see is we will see, I think, a little political idealism. You know, you ever see the candle thing? You know, you're not Catholic, but the little candle thing that snuffs out the candle. Yes, yes, yes. That's what we're seeing here. That, there it is. That's the candle. And the light of idealism is going to go away a little bit because of, uh, you know, the corporate Dems are back. Daddy, daddy's back.

Starting point is 00:57:13 Mommy and daddy are back. And you can tweet and you can tap dance and you can make a collage and you could go on Reddit and you could go on every site imaginable. The ones that no one even hosts. You can, you can go anywhere and you could, you could, you could say any diatribe you like, anything you like at the end of the day, the corporate power is back. And you know, that's it. There's going to be a lot of young kids, a lot of MAGA hats being taken off. A lot of people are going to go now and they're going to, they're going to, this is how the zoomers become the boomers. Boomers at one time had idealism. They were on acid, but they had idealism. And then it gets beaten out. The system beats it out of you.

Starting point is 00:58:11 You see, and then you become a drone and you just, that's why I, I say escape if you can, the system and do not live where this is real. You live in another place where you're like, Oh, my friends are real. My family's real. The things I'm doing are real. Oh, this isn't real. I don't participate in this. That way you never get too high. You never get too low. You never like the revolution's coming. And then you're also never like, whoa. Cause neither one of them's happening. The revolution's not happening. And also like, you know, whatever type of fascism that comes to this country and it will come, it'll come with like a donut. You'll get a donut. You'll get to take it off the gun.

Starting point is 00:58:58 The gun will come in your door and you take the donut off the gun. So I don't want to be too negative here folks. And I, and I hope I'm not. I, I do believe that's why I have, I, I, I, I pick good people to be in my life. I pick positive people, you know, and, and I pick interesting people. And if you can do that, if you pick interesting people to be in your life, you pick positive people to be in your life, then you yourself will not be bored at the very least, right? We have a lot of cool stuff coming up. New things we're going to debut on YouTube, new sketches. We just did a sketch, did very well. It was taken off YouTube briefly. We had to fight to get it back on. Hey man, 2020. It's a bitch.

Starting point is 00:59:52 But we've got a lot of new stuff coming up. Just keep the, and this is, I didn't want to, I'm not trying to assault this waitress by the way. What I'm trying to say respectfully is to shut your mouth because we all have, as the greater lane stretch said about our husband who used to say this, we all have a bag of rocks. Everybody's got a bag of rocks. You know, we don't need that at dinner. You don't need to come in and tell me how bad things are. I know how bad things are. We're sitting in a parking lot with traffic cones, eating French onion soup. I know how bad it is. They're taking this beautiful old French restaurant, historic, and demolishing it so that some fucking cunts can live in a high rise in Echo Park, an area that should just be fire

Starting point is 01:00:42 bombed. I know how bad it is. I'm trying to escape that with salt, fat, sugar, and carbohydrates. Stay out of my way. That's all. Stay out of my way. Out of my way. Respect. I know it's a tough job. I know it's a tough job. They're the heroes, the servers, the heroes. And I'm hoping to God that we could pull off this party and it could be a fun event. We could do some really memorable things. I don't know if that'll happen or not, but I'm just saying this. I'm saying that. I think now that people have heard this, they're like, well, I'm not coming now. Pussy. Pussy. Do we, do we offer Kansas someone's money to fly in?

Starting point is 01:01:31 Yeah, I think so. Maybe we just, maybe we just fly our first class. Is, can we do that? We probably have to offer a little bit of money. Okay. Put her up in a hotel. Okay. Dude, what if we do this? I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. I think, why don't we just think about this for a minute? What if we throw this like Hollywood friends giving shit and when people walk in, it's a, can this someone's like count the votes thing where she's getting all these people to like donate their money to for recounts across America. And, and, and we just have, and I'm just doing it like a big Instagram story that's like, look who's here to support the recount effort. Poor Ryan Phillip. He's like, dude, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:02:24 I'm like, Ryan, Phillip. He's here. Look, it's Jeff Garland here to support the recount with Candice Owens. I mean, I think it would be fun. Tim Dillon comedy.com. Go there if you want. There's nothing there who cares. Waste your time. Nobody's been to a website since 1986. We have merch life in the big city shirts, mega McCain hoodies. We got new merch coming out in December. We have a, we have a really cool yes or yes thing that's coming out. We've got some other things too. We do appreciate everybody's support on Patreon. We've done a lot of cool episodes of JRE in the past couple of weeks, right? It's like three, three, three in a month. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy. I remember the first time I did that show and now I've done it like seven times.

Starting point is 01:03:14 Crazy. Yeah. Alex episode is massive and that, that election thing was really good too. So there's some of the merch. Get the pullover hoodie for $37.99. You could get the unisex tee for $24.99. It's fun. It's like a fun, it's fun merch. Get the daddy mug if you like. Yeah. I love daddy hoodie. We also have a pink one, right? Yeah. You can change the colors. Yeah. Unless they stopped offering pink. I wonder if they stopped offering pink. It does look better with the darker color. It does. But we have more stuff coming out in December. Don't fret. Don't worry about it. We're going to do some interactive stuff too because we want, we want to hear from the people.

Starting point is 01:04:00 We want to figure out what to do with the people. We've got live events coming up, rescheduled shows, hoping this fucking COVID thing just gets to, you know, hoping that we have a nice peaceful transition to power. What's the most gangster way for Trump to go out? Killing himself in the Oval Office. Like Bud Dwyer, like calling a press conference. I'm wondering like what's the biggest, what, I mean, he's a, he's a master of ratings. What's the serious finale? Maybe he could disappear, like just get on a plane and just leave and then just, just disappear. Just goes radio silent. No one even knows where he is. Wow. Because that's very unlike him. Yeah. Wow. I'm wondering like, how does the guy, how does he go out? How does the

Starting point is 01:04:51 guy go out? How does this guy go out? You know, dude, if he finds a way to win, I'm going to tell you right now, if he finds a way to win, if they recap these votes and somehow he won, it will be the funniest. It will be the funniest thing. Oh, we're recording this Friday night, by the way. Friday night. Yeah. So it's changing with, with every hour. So that's why Ben's here to do the technical. Yeah. Why? What if he just appointed himself to like the Supreme Court or something? I'm trying to think what he could do. What could he really do? I don't know. I'm trying, I'm really trying to rack my brain. Like what could this guy do?

Starting point is 01:05:52 Him bud, Dwaring himself. I mean, that would be like the most historic moment like ever if he did that, just envelope gun out. Crazy, right? Just I was, you know, it was rigged. I was framed or whatever. I'll be the craziest thing. I don't see him doing that, but that would be the craziest thing. Maybe he himself could become a terrorist. Like maybe he flies like Air Force One into like the World Trade Center or something like that, like the Freedom Tower. You trying to get us banned from everything with these suggestions? Trying to get us banned off every service? I mean, wouldn't it? Maybe maybe he could be coming to fly Air Force One into into an orphanage.

Starting point is 01:06:38 You keep that to yourself. That's why we don't have you do all the talking about. Fly Air Force One into where did you say? The Freedom Tower. You want Donald Trump to fly Air Force One into the Freedom Tower? I got to be honest. Not the worst. Not the worst idea. Can you imagine being at lunch somewhere and going, what's on the news? Why is everyone in the break room? They go Donald Trump flew Air Force One into the Freedom Tower and survived. What if he survived somehow? I wonder if he's considering that. Like he's sitting there with his people and they're like, he's like, well, we got the recount and we're suing Georgia.

Starting point is 01:07:24 Got the recount in Pennsylvania. He's like, what if he goes, let me just throw something else out there while we're all talking. Like while we're all spitballing. Why don't I fly Air Force One into the Freedom Tower? They're like, well, there's no precedent for that. But we don't know. Perhaps there's something. Well, folks, listen, we don't have a president. You know, we barely have a country. Yeah. You know, but we have merch. You understand? We have dreams and hopes. So do you. I hope that waitress tonight. This is what I hope happens. I hope she goes home. She realizes how good she has it. How lucky she is

Starting point is 01:08:23 to be in the fight. How absolutely lucky she is. And I hope she's jubilant and happy. And I hope she goes downstairs because she wants to get some air, you know? And I hope she's shot in the head so that nobody will ever have to listen to that depressing horseshit while they're trying to eat a meal again. Good night.

The Tim Dillon Show - 225 - Friendsgiving

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