The Tim Dillon Show - 230 - The Pit

Episode Date: December 13, 2020

Special bonus episode release! This was recorded Nov 16th for the patreon listeners and we are making it public to you. Tim talks Harry Styles on the cover of Vogue, a room in an El Paso hospital known as 'The Pit', and what is coming down the stretch for the holidays. Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS:   👛 WALLETS: get 10% off a ridge wallet ▶▶ https://www.ridge.com/tim 🩳 UNDERWEAR: Order with PROMO CODE Tim30 to save 30% until Christmas ▶▶ https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ ⌚ WATCHES: Get 20% OFF and FREE SHIPPING ▶▶ https://www.vincerowatches.com/Tim 🔒 VPN: Get three months free ▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon 🥣 CEREAL: Use code TimDillon for free shipping! ▶▶ https://magicspoon.com/timdillon 🔵 BLUE CHEW : Use promo TD ▶▶ https://bluechew.com/ 💊 HEALTH: Use code TIM for 20% off sitewide ▶▶ https://omaxhealth.com/ 🤖 MANSCAPED: Use code TIMD ▶▶ https://www.manscaped.com/ 👨‍🦱 HAIR LOSS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon 💎 JEWELERY : Use promo TIM ▶▶ https://www.anvilrings.com/ 📦 SHIPPING: Enter code TIMDILLON ▶▶ https://www.shipstation.com/ 🎧 HEADPHONES: For 15% off! ▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim 🤳 COLOGNE AND SKINCARE: Use code TIM ▶▶ https://hawthorne.co/ 🧉 HYDRATE: ▶▶ https://www.drinkhydrant.com/TIM 👚 CLOTHING: ▶▶ https://fuct.com/ 🛏️ BEDS: ▶▶ https://helixsleep.com/timdillon 🥇 GOLD: ▶▶ Text TIM to 474747 🚗 INSURANCE: ▶▶ https://gabi.com/timdillon 🚬 QUIT SMOKING: Use code TIM: ▶▶ https://lucy.co 🎹 MUSIC ▶▶ https://www.natebergmansings.com/ ⚓ NICK DAVIS'S PODCAST (BELOW DECK) ▶▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/another-below-deck-podcast/id1216741721 🏀 FANTASY SPORTS ▶▶ https://www.draftkings.com/ use code DILLON 💆THERAPY ▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD 💊 NO DAYS WASTED ▶▶ https://nodayswasted.co/TIM use code TIM 🥩 UNITED HARVEST ▶▶ https://unitedharvest.com/TIM for 20% off 📦 BOX OF AWESOME ▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% off   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   ▶▶ Ed McMahon [e-mail] https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. I'm sitting here with my producer, the great Ben Avery. He's sat in traffic for four hours to get here. That is called dedication. That is called dedication, getting it done, making it happen. This guy drives hours. I went out to dinner with another comic who goes,

how does Ben do it? And I'm at what, dealing with me? No, he goes, you know, the traveling. And I said, well, it is his job. Now this other comic inherited a lot of money and bought a house and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. But I said, it's his job.

He does his job. Have you heard of a job? I went to dinner with him and the girlfriend and they leave the masks on the whole time. And she works in children's television and I say this. I said, this town is full of sick people, huh? She goes, no, I don't think the people that work in children's television.

She goes, they're some of the best people I've ever met. Is there anybody worse than someone who likes their job? If you really love your job, I make a lot of money doing this and I'm lucky to do it. And I don't even like this. So if you really like your fucking job, can you get up and get out of here? Life is too short for positive people.

I'm telling you that right now. If they're around you, get them out. If you are sitting right now with someone who is smiling at you and telling you that everything is possible, kick them to the curb. They are dangerous like a rattlesnake. And I know that we've gotten that wrong somehow. We've got to flip the script on that.

I'm just saying, Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro today are all upset because a boy band member wore a dress on Rolling Stone, okay? And Candace Owens is going, they're trying to kill traditional masculinity. Here's the deal with that, okay? Number one, is there a real danger of men in this country going to buy gowns that were on the cover of Vogue Magazine?

If you put a gun in my mother's mouth, I could not even figure out how to buy the Game of Thrones frock that Harry Styles was wearing on the cover of Vogue. Do you think anybody in this country is going to start wearing this? Hey, honey, I'm sick of being a man. I'm going to go buy a vintage Dior gown and wear it around.

I'm sick of my cock. I'm sick of protecting you and bringing home the bacon, even though I haven't done that because I haven't had a job because nobody gives a shit about that. And I know you need insulin, but that's okay, honey, just hold it down on the donuts for a little bit because we can't afford that. But I feel like I'm in a prison of my masculinity.

So what I want to do is go buy a designer gown and walk around the house like I'm Cersei from Game of Thrones. Is there a real danger? Is that happening? Is that happening out there? No one can afford the gown, Ben, Candace. Nobody can afford the designer clothes. Nobody can afford to break out of the prison, Ben.

People are shopping at Walmart and the clothes at Walmart are pretty. They're not experimental. They're men, women, and children, which no one can afford. Those are the clothes at Walmart. I'm sick of masculinity. I want to buy an Oscar de la Renta gown

right off the runway and I'm going to wear it in my truck, even though there's not really going to be that job anymore because they're going to have self-driving trucks soon. So I guess I'll just wear it around the park where we'll soon live. Can we focus on any of the real problems? Can we focus on any of the problems at all? We're talking about, by the way,

is that masculine, debating? If my grandfather was alive, he would not be talking about Harry Styles and what Harry Styles was wearing on the cover of fucking Rolling Stone or Vogue. I don't even, I think it was Vogue, right? The internet's not loading out here. The internet doesn't work, folks.

Everything I say is the truth. We don't need the internet. Who needs to verify? You think you're going to verify, like Twitter, when Trump goes, I won. And by the way, is there anything better than that? Is there anything funnier than every 15 minutes Trump tweeting, by the way, I'm not going anywhere.

I know that you think you had an election, but I gotta be honest, I won that and I won't be leaving. So the media, and I mean, I'm not saying it's right, but just pure funny. Nothing is funnier than him going, by the way, I know the media thinks there's some definitive answer here, but I'm good. I'm good right where I am.

And you know, it's what everyone said he would do. He's doing it. He's doing what everyone said he would do, which is just sit in that office and tweet. At the end, you always go back to the box, go back to Twitter. That's where it all ends. It begins on Twitter and it ends on Twitter.

That's how powerful technology is. You could be the president of the United States. He tried to bomb Iran this week, supposedly. I don't know if that's true or not. I think they leaked the thing he asked in general. He goes, by the way, can we bomb Iran? They go, just go back to Twitter. Just go back to Twitter.

You could control a nuclear arsenal and it's still not gonna be as powerful as Twitter. Just go back to the box, type a few letters. Get it off your chest. We don't need to bomb the nuclear reactors in Iran. We don't need to bomb Iran right now when you've got two months left. And the best thing that people could say about you

is that you were not a warmonger. Let's not ruin that. Do a full withdrawal of the Middle East. Get real gangster. Get everyone home. Tell everyone they're coming home. And there are some people that think he's doing that, like on the internet I'll read.

People are like, well, Trump is trying to fire people at the Defense Department because he wants to end the Afghan war. And I'm like, fuck yeah, man. Now that's not gonna happen. But hey, let's fucking, let's do that. If we're gonna do something, and the choices are bomb Iran or end the Afghan war,

let's end the Afghan war that we've been in for 20 plus years for lithium ion. I mean, it's just funny. It's just funny that in the midst of this, we've got a lockdown coming again. I'm so mad about this lockdown. I'm so depressed.

I can't do another lockdown. We've grown, this show has grown tremendously. We've made a lot of fun shit. We've had a lot of great episodes here. But I'm running out of stuff to talk about. I need to leave my fucking house. I need to get out there and have experiences with human beings.

And I just, this lockdown, this draconian, I mean, the news every day now is like, every news article now is like, everyone you know has COVID. That's the article. They're like, everyone you know has COVID and every nurse you knew has killed herself. How do you feel?

What? Did you go out the other night and have meatloaf? Yeah? Well, there's nurses hanging themselves now. Why? Cause you had a meatloaf. I had it in a parking lot. Doesn't matter.

You knew the risks. And now everyone has COVID and all the nurses are killing themselves in front of their children. What? But it's their job. I mean, shouldn't they just go to work? People are being, there's one thing

where they go like this. They go, they're putting COVID and there's a hospital in El Paso, Texas where a nurse goes, we have a room called the pit where we let all the COVID patients die. I'm like, why is that happening? Why are we doing that? Why is that allowed?

Everybody's like, I feel so bad. Have you read the article about the pit? And I'm like, I want to know why there is a pit. Why are we putting people in a pit? Can anyone explain that? You went out in that tuna tartare and now they're throwing human beings in the pit in El Paso.

What? I don't want that. I'm losing it, folks. I'm losing it. I just took Ben to a Bentley dealership. I don't have the money to buy a Bentley. Those cars are $300,000. Thank God.

And I don't have credit. I can't do anything, but we just walked around a Bentley dealership. Thank God it was closed. But I'm losing my mind here because I want to buy a Bentley and drive it through the ER at Cedar Sinai. I want to drive my Bentley through the pit.

Give everybody a glimpse of a nice car before the end. It's tragic. I know this shit's real. It's fucking hard. It's horrible reading these stories. People FaceTiming their loved ones at the end. How horrible is that? FaceTime doesn't even work.

You got your last words and they're freezing? You're trying to connect to the Wi-Fi. You're trying to connect. Hey, can you connect me to the Wi-Fi in the pit? The Wi-Fi in the pit is not good. I'm trying to talk to my mother. Ma!

I'm in the pit. You shouldn't have gone out to dinner last night. You selfish cunt. What? I froze. I said cunt. I called you a cunt. I mean, what are we doing here?

Oh man. It's tragic and it's real. It's horrible. It's so sad. People are like, they gotta go on FaceTime to say goodbye to their fucking families. Let the family in. If I go from COVID,

I want my family in that room getting sick with me. No FaceTime. I want my boomer father to walk in there maskless and get sick. I'm having a party in two days. I feel like an idiot. It's gonna be outside, but that doesn't fucking matter, you know?

I think people are gonna try to social distance. I mean, if the NELC boys come, I don't know how much social distancing there's gonna be. They're just gonna go around and lick people's faces like the Bushwhackers. Remember the Bushwhackers, that tag team and WWF? What my listeners do? And they would grab your face and lick you

when you were just there and it was great. And that's what the NELC kids are gonna do. Steve will do it. He's gonna run around licking people's faces if they come. I just don't know. I'm trying to laugh at all the news. It's so bad. I don't even know what's good.

Now my friend, Vanessa, I'm the godfather to her child. I'm like, is the COVID up bad? She's like, not really, but she's a sociopath. I mean, she's a nurse, but she's like, nurse ratchet. You know, she goes, I gotta go to work tomorrow and I hate the liver patients. I'm like, what? She goes, I hate them.

She goes, when a heroin addict gets a new liver, they're real paranoid and anxious and they're not fun to deal with. I'm like, why are we giving heroin addicts new livers? I'm confused about everything. I just need to buy a Bentley. I just need to buy a gown on the cover of Vogue to break out of the pr-

I don't like being a man no more. Well, you buy a Moomoo like the rest of us because we're broke. I only want a gown like Harris Stiles is wearing. I wear Lane Bryant, Tom. We have nothing in this house. I have three pairs of jeans and they're all elastic band. I have three dresses and the last one I wore

was when we had to go to court for your accident. I want, I want a Christian to your gown. What is wrong with these people? Scared to sound like these people are out of their minds. They're like, they're destroying masculinity. How about they're destroying masculinity by no one has a job? How about that?

How about they're destroying masculinity no one can go to work? You see, they're not destroying masculinity because there's a dude in Ohio right now that's like, I want to get Gucci fucking croc sandals and walk around in a kaftan and wear big fucking Chanel sunglasses and bomb springs. Destroy masculinity, nobody can provide for their family.

That used to be masculinity providing for your family. I just love a guy like literally sitting there with his wife and going, I don't feel, I feel like I'm in a prison of gender. And she goes, I understand that, but you can't afford to go buy a gown that this boy band member wore on the cover of Vogue. It's expensive, John, it's very expensive.

And he's like, you don't understand my whole life. I felt like one thing and I was another thing. She goes, I don't care what you fucking feel like, but you go to pay less and get some pumps and you go to fucking get a cheap dress from the Goodwill because you don't got no scratch, John. All day we got to do the destruction of masculinity. And all these guys from Long Island are getting on board.

You know, the guys that have never served in a war and yet their fucking Facebook profile picture is Semper Fi. They're a military adjacent. Everyone in Long Island has nine flags on their lawn. They've never served one day. They've never even helped an old person cross the street, let alone served anybody. They've never served anything

except they've served themselves a drink. That's all they've ever served. And they're getting online, they're like, thank God Candace is calling out these fucking facts, trying to make me wear a fucking dress. Go to work. You can't do that. Because everybody's in a pit.

We are all these hospitals, we've had nine months to get ready for the second wave. Why is there no preparedness? There's been eight months, we knew the second wave was coming. We knew it was coming. It's like if you're in the ocean and one wave knocks you down,

you stand up and you go, oh, you know what? I bet another wave is coming and it's gonna hit me the same way, maybe even worse. If you keep getting knocked down by the same wave and you see kids that are keep getting knocked down by the same wave, there's a term for that. It's called drowning. And they need to be taken out by a lifeguard.

But if you're an adult, you should have some semblance, like why have we not prepared for this? Nobody's getting, nobody's prepared. I don't understand. Can someone help me here? Why are we still throwing bodies in a pit? I mean, it's crazy. There's all these nurses that are on Facebook

and the nurse will be like this, and the nurse goes, I can't go on like this. Today, I came in and they didn't have any PPE. I had to wear the skin of someone who died last night. They fashioned a mask out of their face. I'm walking around with someone else's face on and we're just, we can't even treat any of these people. We're putting them up, we're stacking bodies

in the parking lot and lighting them on fire. And I go, okay, hold on a minute. Didn't we know this was coming a little bit? Wasn't that the differential here? Wasn't the differential that we were gonna prepare a little bit for this one? Well, the hospital decided that we weren't. Does no one have money or there are no resources?

Is there's no tax base? I get it, maybe that's the problem. Everyone's talking about the relief bill that's like not coming. If I see, by the way, and I love comedy, and I mean, how many times am I gonna say that? And Ben just looks at me like, we know that that's not true,

because as soon as I say that, then I'm gonna go off on this rant where I like disparage everything about it. But I understand it's important to save like independent venues. I get it, that's my life, I'm not saying that. But let's, if I see one more time, save our stages. If I see that one more time,

two things down on the newsfeed after someone's talking about something called the pit, where they're just throwing bodies and throwing people in a room to die in El Paso. By the way, does that have anything to do with Corona or is that just the way the El Paso Hospital works? They go, we've had the pit forever. We just, we put you in the pit.

If you look even slightly sick, you go in the pit. And if you get out of it, you get out of it. I mean, what's next? They're gonna come out and they're gonna be like, there's a fight club of Corona patients. We're making them fight it out for ventilators. Are you happy now? Are you happy?

We're making people fight each other and the winner gets a ventilator. I'm like, is there no planning? Has no one done any planning, folks? I'm confused, I'm genuinely confused. It's ravaging the nation now. And I guess it's ravaging the small town hospitals because the larger cities have more of a tax base.

Say what you want about these satanic pedophiles, but some of them paid taxes. Hmm. I don't know. I'm unaware, folks. I, you know, all I try to do is honor the work. You know, I honor the work here. I just, I'm in a perpetual state of confusion

at the news cycle. I don't understand why nine months later, we're acting like we don't know what this is and we don't know how to treat it and we don't know anything, but yet we also do. And there's a vaccine coming tomorrow and also never. And the lockdowns are coming back and they're not and there's now a curfew

because Corona likes to go home at night and get a good night's sleep. So we're gonna do a curfew and nobody will ever get Corona as long as you're celebrating Joe Biden's victory in the street. But if I wanna have YouTubers over my house and feed them spaghetti out of a cheese wheel,

I'm a bad person. I don't get it. It's truly mind boggling. I'm unaware. And the only thing that provides me any levity, the only thing that provides me any joy, the only thing that gets me through my day is the president refusing to acknowledge

there's been an election. That is the only chuckles I get. The only hoo-ha that I can muster is the president every 15 minutes going, I won and I'm not going anywhere. That's the only thing that's giving me joy and that's a problem. The disintegration of the American system

is proving to be the greatest comedy ever released. Truly. I mean, there's nothing funnier. Try to think of anything funnier. I mean, it's hard. Borat 2 is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. Woke Borat.

It's a female forward Borat movie. I'm watching this in disbelief. Like this is something that I would have made up with Nick Mullen two years ago. Like what if they do woke Borat and now it's here? And Sasha Baron Cohen is like talking about himself. He is a comic genius, but he's talking about himself like he's Paul Revere

and he's like, you're Borat. It's a movie about a guy who comes from a country where he thinks old Jews have horns and you've somehow now infused it with the right politics. Did anyone see Borat one and go, you know what? I just feel that should have had more of a message. This is where we're at now. So apparently we'll never have anything funny.

We'll just never have a good movie again. And the only good movie that you can watch is the president of the United States, refusing to leave and is the military gonna have to walk him out of the Oval Office? Are they gonna have to walk him out? And is all these alt-right kids gonna stand in the square and cheer for him as he walks out?

Is he gonna get in a helicopter like Nixon, like Marine One? And all these little alt-right kids are gonna be here. Still my president. It serves the left right for focusing on Russia gate for two years, which was fake. It serves them right for elevating John Brennan, the CIA director who never met a drone strike he didn't like and putting him all over the news,

telling people that Trump's, it was installed by Russia for two years. And then, and there was all these idiots that were walking around going, not my president. And now we have the other side is gonna do the same thing. So it's just gonna be a yin and a yang. There's nothing we can do. There's nothing we can do, folks.

The only thing we can do is just enjoy what you got. Save up for that gown on the cover of Vogue Magazine. So you can show all your boys down at the bar that you're sick of having a cock. I'm sick of being a man. Being a man is not even fun anymore. It's not even good. It's like, okay, but everybody acts like

it's still the greatest thing in the world. And it's like, get me out of it. Get me out of the prison of masculinity. Put me in a dress. And by the way, like what do you think Harry Styles people that come in, they go, listen. They go, listen, you're in movies. You're in everything.

You're huge. You do our rena tours around the world. Vogue wants to put you in a dress because it's important for young kids to see that if they too are in a wildly successful boy band that's put together on a reality show and parlay that into success as a major Hollywood actor. And if they can, like you, gross tens of millions of dollars

that they can be accepted on the cover of Vogue. And by the way, be gorgeous, because he's gorgeous. So if they're gorgeous and worth tens of millions of dollars they can wear a dress on the cover of Vogue. It's very important. It's very important for kids to see. It's very important for kids to see. I mean, it's just crazy.

We're just entering a time now where to try to be serious is to lose your mind. To try to make sense out of anything is to go absolutely insane. Find a hobby, talk about, I'm talking about cars now. I never cared about cars, but you get to a point where there's nowhere to go

and you have to start talking about things that are mundane and you have to find these inane meaningless hobbies to keep yourself just even functional during the day. You go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, you know, the BMW 7 series, they have the Altina. Now the Altina is like the AMG package on the pen and you start to sound like a crazy person. But what else is there to do?

Well, get in the guns. People love guns. They're like, well, this one, this one's a good one because it'll really get, you know? I mean, I don't know anymore what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know why there's zero preparedness for a second wave that we knew was coming,

that everybody knew was coming and nobody has a clue. Nobody's got any way and everyone you know has COVID and everyone's positive and also the tests are fake and they don't work, but everyone's positive. But the tests aren't good, but they're positive. But they're not and get tested, but don't. And if you have a negative test,

it doesn't mean you don't have COVID. So still don't go see your family and keep the mask on. And then Fauci goes, and even if we have a vaccine, you still have to socially distance. Well, what, what? He said that. He goes, even if we get a vaccine, it's only gonna work for 90 to 95% of people.

So it may not work for you. So it may be good to just leave the mask on for the rest of your life. Just leave the mask, just eat in parking lots. Just get used to eating in parking lots and having Jeff Bezos deliver you gruel with a drone. What's wrong with that? Do you not like that?

Do you not like that? You get your gruel with the drone and you shut up. Do you not like that? Don't you see where this is going? Do you have a problem? And then you fucked the sex robot because you can't meet anybody. Is that not okay for you?

Do you not like your vegan gruel or whatever gruel? They're gonna give you, I'll probably have some meat in it, it's America. But is that not okay? That sounds like a good way forward, doesn't it? Just don't leave your house. Just put sheets on the windows because the sun's killing you.

Don't go outside because the air is COVID and fires. Stay in your room, go on Reddit all day, and then become radicalized, start posting, get D-platformed, lose your bank account, sit there and just try to order food with your girlfriend's credit card because she's not on Reddit yet and she's dead but no one knows that yet.

So use her card while she's dead and then have Jeff Bezos and his friends deliver you gruel and then watch every now and then. You can watch TV and Bill Gates will shoot a missile of dust into the atmosphere and that'll be nice. And then watch all the rich people go to Mars. Eventually that's what's gonna happen. You're just gonna watch all the rich people

leave America and just ascend. They're gonna go to Elysium and you just sit there and don't go to dinner, but they're gonna go to Mars. They're gonna fucking leave in terraform but you can't go to Fridays because otherwise you're gonna be in the pit. Don't you see? It all makes sense.

Doesn't it make sense? It did make sense. The tests are fake but you have COVID. The masks don't, you know, they need to be on all the time even if you've had it, the antibodies don't matter, the tests aren't real, COVID is fake, COVID is real. It's all, and all we need to do now is just sit in our pod-like homes

and wait for our leaders to let us know when they're going to leave this planet and blow it up. And be grateful. Just be grateful. Just be grateful. What, how lucky are we? And all, all that brings you any joy. All that you can just, you can just depend and rely on

is that the president of the United States who's a game show host is refusing to leave the White House. It's the only comfort I have because it makes me laugh and everything is so horrible that I don't even, and I'm not saying that COVID's not real and that people aren't sick and that this isn't horrible. I'm only wondering why in God's name the most advanced and richest country in the world

has done absolutely nothing to prepare for a second wave which everyone said was a certainty. It was a near certainty and then every hospital is still in the same shit position that they were in. I don't get it. I don't understand. I've made all the jokes already. I can't do another five months of COVID jokes.

We've done them all. We're in a simulation, we keep going. Round and round in the circle game. I just don't understand. I don't know if I had it. Remember when I was sick in March? Yeah, yeah, your throat closed up completely. I was sicker than I had ever been.

It was wildly sick. I was sick. The only thing I could do was walk around Beverly Hills with Persians. All I could do was walk around the Beverly Flats and gaze at stunning estates. While Persian kids drive by me in those little tiny lambos they buy for them,

you know, the fake little ones. And all I could do was walk around and try to get some sunlight, some vitamin D, which I don't know if that even works. And I was sick and I had a cough and that cough lasted three weeks. And I went to the urgent care in LA and the people at the urgent care aren't real doctors.

They're actors that are pretending to be doctors. They said I had strep throat. But Rudy Gobert and a lot of those basketball players also tested positive for strep throat. Apparently it's a common co-infection. I thought I had corona. They said I didn't have it. So I went back.

I had a fever. I think it was 99 or 100, maybe a popped higher. I didn't know. I didn't give myself the temperature every day. And I just sat there and I felt like, shit, and it took me three weeks to get back from that. And I just felt like, hey, maybe I'm just sick, you know? But I've been exposed and I've been in packed planes

and I've been in comedy clubs that have been packed and I've sat next to strangers. And I, you know, either I've just been very, very lucky or I've had this where I have somewhat kind of an immunity. My mother has some weird immunity. My mother, and I've told this story on stage, she has asthma. She's 300 something pounds.

She's refused to die. Her neighbor in the nursing home, meaning the person that sleeps in the bed next to her had it. My mother has not had it. My mother literally wears a MAGA hat in her bed. Like she sits there and barks orders at people like fucking, like Jabba the Hutt in her MAGA hat and screams at them if they don't bring her the food

and it sucks and she throws it at them. And she tortures all of the healthcare workers, you know? My mother, they throw my mother in a pit. Everyone will die, but my mother put my mother in a pit. They'll go, Patty ate everyone in the pit. She ate two corona patients and now we got to bring her back to her room. The pit.

Does anyone, can we launch an investigation into the El Paso Hospital? Like can anyone explain? I wish we had the internet, we could look up the pit. I'm just so confused. I feel like nothing is changing. I feel like we're in a weird simulation. We're in a roller coaster.

We're about to do another loop, you know? Did you see a lot of celebrities are still doing international travel? Like Tom Hanks got his like Greek citizenship and they're taking pictures in Greece and all these things. Like they're still allowed to go wherever they want. And Kim Kardashian got an island and all these things. The celebrities are still living their life.

There's no quarantine for them really. There's no quarantine for anybody that's got real money. And they're not, they're gonna leave the planet earth soon. And we're gonna have to sit there and go, isn't it great? Isn't it great? Look at Carrie Underwood go. Look at Taylor Swift leave earth. I mean, this is what they're getting ready for.

It's islands now, but in 20, 30, 50 years, it's gonna be planets. They're out. They're trying to get out. They really want out. Yeah, but you can't go to Ralph's. But if you go to Ralph's, you've killed someone because you got macaroni salad.

But these people can launch rockets and try to get the fuck out of here. I don't blame them. If I had that kind of money, I'd get the fuck out of here too. These elites are like, what are they arguing about now? They're arguing that Harry Styles were dressed they're all inflamed over that. They're looking at each other going, let's get out of here.

Let's get out of here. Can we, can you get Elon Musk on a phone or Richard Branson a few people? Can we make a few things happen and get out of here? Just like Max was like, that was our biggest problem. We're in Ireland, we should have had a little fuck planet. Me and Jeffrey could have had a planet. The next Jeffrey Epstein's gonna have a planet.

He's gonna have a planet. I'm thinking like, did you hear what happened on Little Saint Jupiter? Truly. And we're all supposed to sit here and think it's great and fight each other. We're all supposed to scream in our aunts and uncles and not see our families and not leave our houses

and not ask why we can't go to work and not ask what's going on. And we get nothing from anybody. And we've elected Joe Biden who is a real JFK figure and I mean JFK now, like dead. And we've got Kamala Harris who's gonna get in there. And if you ask a question, you're gonna be put right in jail. And you're gonna need like five vaccines

to go to Macy's. So what are we doing? We're so medicated in this country. It's all anxiety and depression. Nobody wants to talk about the fact that it's, is it anxiety and depression or is it that you don't have a job, you don't have a family, you ate a stack of pancakes

and now you're asleep and you're sleeping and you have no future. And it's been robbed and taken from you. And but take this pill, it's gonna be okay. And your kids will have ADHD, which means they just wanna go outside and run around, but they can't do that because the streets is crawling with pedophiles

and God only knows. So we're terrified now, the kids can't even run around anymore, they just sit on Twitch and watch other people play video games while they eat fucking skippy peanut butter with their fingers, yeah, and blink a lot because yeah, that fucks you up. So here's fucking some Adderall for them.

And then you have to take $9 million out in college loans and then you gotta sit there and you're getting a degree in whether you have a cock or not. And then you wonder, how am I gonna pay that back? Well, just keep cramming Adderall down your throat and write a thesis on your horrible life and then you're gonna have to spend the rest of your life paying back student loans, selling your blood plasma.

But don't worry, it's anxiety. It's not the system, it's anxiety. It's depression, it's chemical, it's in your head. It's all in your head. Don't ask us for a solution, it's all in your head. Here's $800, go die. And we can't question the pharmaceutical companies because then you sound like a,

then it's like, what are you, some anti-vaxxer? Are you some nut? Do you not trust Bill and Melinda? Do you not like Pfizer? Do you not like Merck and Novartis and GlaxoSmithKline? Do you not like that? Do you not like a generation of drugged up Americans who are on so many SSRIs, their dicks don't work?

And then you gotta get pills for that, shut out the blue chew. But you can't question them, you can't question them. The only family we're allowed to hate is the Sackler family because they are scumbags and they made oxycontin and they didn't wanna tell anyone it was illegal. But we're supposed to believe that they're like some lone wolf, just like Lee Harvey Oswald.

See, the Sackler family, they're bad, but they're just a lone wolf. Everyone else is great. They're all, yes, they were on Epstein's Island doing a conga line with Bill Gates, but they're all good. The Sacklers are bad, they're bad because they made oxycontin and then we have the opioid addiction. Well, what about all the people that shipped the jobs away?

Shut your mouth, Nazi. It's the Sackler family. Well, shouldn't we ask some of the other pharmaceutical companies what the fuck they're doing? No, they are benevolent forces for good. And you take this vaccine with 19 boosters. Well, will the vaccine work? We don't know, we're trying to leave Earth.

Can you stop bothering us? Here, Harry Styles is in a dress. Go fight about that. And by the way, the kids are going home from school, so now you have your children to deal with as well. And there's nothing you can really do other than just enjoy. Have a few, have a few, smoke a joint, do something, run, swim, get on the elliptical, try to stave off whatever disease

is coming for you, which you can't afford. Joe Biden's new health care plan, I don't know what it'll be, but it'll be nothing. It'll be absolutely nothing. And don't worry, as soon as those two get in, we'll be at war again, which we need another war. We need to get in there. We've been given Saudi Arabia money,

so they can go and shellack Yemen causing a genocide. They need more money. And then Israel will need more money, and then everybody will need more money so that they can go to the Middle East and continue to play whack-a-mole with the Middle East while you and everybody you know disintegrates into quicksand. And there's nothing really to do except, oh,

it's Barry Weiss on the view. Barry's on the view. Barry and Megan are really going to give it to each other on the view. Just a little frustrating. So I just walk around a Bentley dealership when it's closed, just touch the Bentley grills and it's closed. I just touch the Bentley grills,

and I try to explain to Ben, no, this is the newer grill. It's the newer, I'm like Rain Man. I walk around like a psychopath. I just touch the Bentley grills, I put my face, I feel the little grill on my face. Wouldn't it be nice to get hit by a Bentley? Wouldn't it be nice to have your face smashed by a Bentley? Wouldn't it be nice in front of a family,

in front of a family on vacation? Wouldn't it be nice, what happened to that man? Well, that man just got hit by a Bentley and then there'd be blood on the grill and some cunt'll get out and she'll look at you and you'll be staring at her with your bloody face. And you only got a few minutes left of life and she just looks down at you

and the last thing she does is just put a mask on your diseased little face. So she doesn't have to look at it. I don't know what to do or where to go. It's truly interesting and it's not, here's the thing, it's not even interesting. No one cares about the PC shit anymore. You can't even argue about that.

I see people making sketches about that, it's over. That is over, guys. What a luxury problem to have. It's a luxury problem to have, no one cares about. No one cares about getting, Earth is getting canceled, Earth. The planet Earth is being canceled. You're living through the cancellation

of the planet Earth right now. And it's hard to ignore it because they're all about to leave. They're all about to go. They're just gonna get on jets and they're gonna get on spaceships and rocket ships and you're gonna watch them go and they're gonna say it's great.

They're gonna go, isn't it great? Isn't it great? They're all leaving to go somewhere else. And you could sit there, Thanksgiving's coming up. Isn't that fun? Thank God we have Thanksgiving. Shouldn't we cancel Thanksgiving? Is there anything to be thankful for this year?

Is there anything to be thankful? I mean, I guess you could be thankful you're alive. You could be thankful you're not dead. That's true. You could be thankful you're not in the pit. I get it. You could be thankful maybe you're working. You could be thankful you got some money.

There are things to be thankful for, no doubt. But it's a lean time for gratitude. Isn't it a lean season for gratitude? And by the way, any company that does a Jingle Bells Christmas commercial, we should surround it with AR-15s. If you, and I'm kidding about that, which is comedy. Comedy, comedy.

But if they do that shit this year with the goofy like, hey, it's a different kind of Christmas this year. We know, like if they do that, and you know that's common, right? It's common. There's gonna be a snowman on a ventilator. It's a different kind of Christmas this year. Yeah, Santa Claus on a Zoom call.

I can see it now. Yeah, Santa's on a Zoom call. Everybody's saying hello to each other from Zoom. We know you can't be together this year, but it's important that you just constantly accept everything we say, because it's the only way. It's the only way any of you are gonna get anywhere, by the way.

Christmas is coming. Deck the halls with boughs of holly. God, am I not in the mood for that? I don't wanna hear any Christmas music this year. I want funeral dirges and Gregorian chant. I hope these radio stations just play Gregorian chant. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. That's all I wanna hear.

I wanna hear funeral dirges and Gregorian chant. I do not want any fucking peppy, happy Christmas music this year. I don't feel it's appropriate. You know, and I know that I hope they do SantaCon and I hope they call it COVIDCon. SantaCon is when all these young kids dress up like Santa Clauses and elves and Mrs. Clauses

and they all run around. And I hope to God they do it this year. I hope to God they do it and the cops shoot them and they still do it. I hope that they shoot a bunch of white kids and those white kids are just drinking eggnog and vomiting fucking in the streets and the cops are just blowing their brains out.

It's a different kind of Christmas this year. We know that. Here at Amazon, we know it's a different kind of Christmas, which is why we're reminding you that it is completely unsafe to leave your house or make human contact with anyone for any reason. Because what you see as just a fun loving little Christmas, we see as a resistance movement.

You see it as a family gathering. The FBI sees it as a domestic terrorist organization. Do you understand me? Don't ask any questions. It's a different kind of Christmas this year. You'll just need to stay in your, just stay. Now it would be like, now it would be like, Anne Frank hiding from the Nazis now.

It would be like, Anne, you stay there forever. Wait the war's over. Anne, Anne, do you want people sent to the pit? What's the pit? Get back in the closet. Wait a minute, they just liberated all the camp. Anne, I'm telling you right now, get back in the closet. You can go on Zoom.

I mean, it's just a, you know, I hope I was funny. When I get in a depressed mood, I tend to be funny. Doug Standup had a great quote. He said, happiness is great for a lot of things, but it ain't good for comedy. Not the type of comedy I do. There's a lot of comedy out there that's very happy. And God bless the people that do it.

I really don't. That's not for me. Ever seen like happy comedians? It's terrifying. It's actually scarier than angry comedians. Guys that are really happy like, hey, man, what's going on? How you been? Where you been?

Hey, man. If you ever been like on a date and then you fart. Why did, why do these people need to make anyone laugh? Just go and play volleyball. I look at some, I look at some comics on a stage and go, will you just go and play volleyball? Please stop wasting everyone's goddamn time.

Have you ever been on the beach and then you shit yourself? The coyotes all around the desert are screaming. They agree with me. I'm moving from the desert. I'm moving back to the Valley of California to Los Angeles for a year. We're doing one year in LA. We'll see what that means.

Who knows? Me and Ben move as a unit. So we'll make a decision after that. Maybe we go end up in Texas. I don't know. I'll move to Texas if Joe Rogan's the governor. Maybe I'll get into politics. Like everything's fake.

So maybe I'll just run for Congress. You know, I get bored easily. So I'm like, maybe we should just run a congressional campaign, Ben. Could we do the podcast on the, is that legal? You still have- Why not? Bernie had a podcast at one point.

So it's probably legal. Yeah, yeah. I'm telling you right now, I think we should just run for Congress as a bit. Yeah. Let's just run as a joke. We should just run for Congress as like a bit. Let's do it.

You're my campaign manager. Okay. And they'll be like, Mr. Dillon has openly talked about paying for sex and selling subprime mortgages. And he loves dishonesty and he's a moral degenerate. He has many failings. He's asked the nursing home many times

to kill his own mother. And he would take a percent and say it's COVID and he'll take a percentage of the money. Mr. Dillon, do you have any? I'll just do the milk thing. I'll just look and go, hey, full send, bro. Full send. I'll run for president with Steve will do it.

He's gonna be my vice president. That guy drinks like, that's like, I'm starting to love those guys cause like everyone else is like, Garthetti is not defending the cops. And the milk is like, what if we drank a bottle of rum at once, like in one jug?

It's refreshing. I'm like, yeah. They're like, let's make out on some old guy who's in a grocery store, probably some old veteran. So what that guy can get made out on? What is it? He probably did the MyLine massacre. Not saying everything they do is super moral,

but it's fun. It's a little different, you know? Sure. Instead of tweeting at Garthetti about defunding the police all day, these kids are like, what if we just harass people in a grocery store? Sounds fun. Folks, I don't even know what to do anymore.

I'm just, you know, how long have we done on this episode? We're at 47 right now. 47 minutes of just bile. Just straight up bile leaving my soul. It's really amazing. Straight up bile. Louis said, I spoke to CK about the show. He goes, he goes, do you plan any of that?

I'm like, no, I just go. I love Louis. Louis is a great guy. And I think that when the facts come out, and they never will probably, you know, no one will care, but it will exonerate him on many levels. Totally. Absolutely.

Not that that's a, you know, he's still working. People are still following him and going to his shows, comic genius, you know? Yeah. But no one cares. You can talk to people that don't care. No. I talked to women in Long Island and I go,

what about Louis? They go, what? What do you mean? Right. I don't know, man. It's just an interesting, and it's not interesting. I gotta keep stopping myself. It's actually boring.

I'm bored. The news cycle, like the great Eddie Peppitone said, there's so many shootings, I'm bored by them. The news cycle's gotten boring. Every day you turn on the new, okay, so everyone's dead. Okay. Can't leave the house. Okay.

Trump's not leaving. Okay. Okay. Okay. The big thing now is like, are you gonna go see your family? That's the big, and you know how I feel about that. Don't go, and it has nothing to do with Corona.

Right. But that's the whole thing that everybody's like, are you gonna go see your family? Because if you do, you're gonna kill, I love when they do these things. They were like, from one wedding, 150 cases of COVID-19 and seven deaths. Who is doing that?

Like who's doing the tracing? Like that's the fun job. Right. Who's doing that? What historian is on that beat? The wedding COVID beat? All right. So you attended the McCluskey wedding.

Okay. And then you got sick. And then you went to Denny's and then a waitress dropped dead. All right. I mean, who's doing this? Russ Cole? How are we doing this?

Is this just a guy in a shed somewhere with all these strings of yarn attached to every human being that's ever left the house in six months? How are we doing this web of COVID death, by the way? Just Matthew McConaughey sitting there smoking a cigarette going, well, I knew that the Johnson's

went to a baby shower on the 12th and then they got in their van and drove two states away to see their son at college. You see what I'm saying here? He just lights a cigarette? Like not really. He's like, well, you gotta look at it. Look at the big picture.

Woody Harrelson's like, I don't fucking know what you're saying, man. Russ is like, let me pop this tape in. Here's a tape. You know, and instead of the fucking true detective kid getting fucked or whatever, it's like, it's like, it's just a tape of like a bunch of people

sitting in a backyard, you know, eating burgers. And Woody Harrelson's like, oh my fucking God. Jesus, fucking Christ, man. You watch all that? You watch all that shit, man. All right, I'll help you. What do you need? Well, we gotta find everybody.

We gotta find every single person that went to the Miller wedding. Shout out to the girls from Red Scare, who quoted me when they were talking to Glenn Greenwald. I enjoy them. Go support them on Patreon if you can, if you enjoy their program. Shout out to everybody on Patreon making money, you know?

Oh yeah. Before Kamala Harris goes in there, would a chainsaw. So, it feels like we will be off there. By the way, just enjoy this while it lasts, folks, cause Kamala's gonna go in there with a chainsaw and start sawing desks apart. They're gonna execute the people in this fucking site

like you're the, they're gonna stand them on a plank. Oh, they're going on a plank. By the way, to see your Patreon, he better hope, he better hope that they don't just walk him right out into the field. They're gonna blindfold him and walk him right out into the field. You did what?

You let what happen? So, you just let people talk and then other people give the money? Oh, no, thank you. They're gonna execute everybody at Patreon. We hope not. God, do we hope not. God, let's pray that that doesn't happen.

I just hope that there's one guy that saw Harry Styles in that gown and said that I only wanna be trans if I can go designer. I only wanna break out of the prison if I can, if I might just be a man if I can't wear a vintage Chanel gown. I might just have to be a man

like just some guy sitting with his buddy going, hey man, I was ready to be done with it. The farting, the fighting, chasing pussy, being a fucking man. I saw Harry Styles in that gown and then I saw the gown it was and I tried to get it. But it's off runway

and you can't really get it in the stores. You'd have to call a stylist or a designer. I don't really know anybody. The big fashion houses have people that reach out, basically try to get people wearing their shit. I don't have access to any of them. So, you know what I did? I just went to my shitty job, ate my fucking shitty lunch

and I figured I'd go home and just put my half hard cock in my wife again because I can't afford to be the golden fucking trans person. I wanna be a golden woman or nothing at all. I just, I can't stand this. If I can't have a gown, if I can't walk around like Cersei Lannister around my little hovel,

then damn it, I'll just go to the pit. Just throw me in the goddamn pit. We can't afford the gown. Well then just throw me in the pit, honey. I'll be in the pit. You understand? Waiting for the end with my dirty cock and my disgusting prison of masculinity.

I just love the people in the pit reading Ben Shapiro. What's going on? Oh yeah, this is disturbing. The assault on masculinity is really a problem. It's so dark. The news is so incredibly dark. It is so dark. Don't fall into depression, folks.

Don't fall into it. I know that it's so easy right now because I fight it myself. Like I try to fight, paying it to, you know, that's why I have that little kid Dan around because I love him. He doesn't pay attention. You need frat boys in your life and college kids

and watch the milk videos. You can't, if you pay attention, it's the problem. So that's why you just gotta kind of say hey, just have fun, just goof, just be a goof. You know, maybe all those comics I shit on, maybe they were right the whole fucking time. Talk about farting. Go play volleyball.

I mean, you're not allowed. And if you do it, the cops will shoot you. Or just walk around the Bentley dealership. Just walk around dealerships of cars you can't afford after they've closed. And look at the pretty metal. Look at the pretty metal. Look at the pretty metal.

And imagine those cars as spaceships. And imagine those spaceships leaving the planet with all your favorite politicians and celebrities and all their rich, drug addict children like Chet Hayes that speak in Jamaican patois. They're all gonna get to terraform. They're all gonna get to go to somewhere else. And we'll just sit on this burning, ravaging hellscape

looking at each other and listening to our favorite podcasters on Patreon. And we'll just hope to God that maybe some of us get taken up there as experimental sex guinea pigs. That's our best hope. Our best hope is that some of these elite motherfuckers look at us and say, you know what?

Maybe they'll be good to just fuck with their biology. So we'll fly them up there and make them live in little huts and we'll make them fuck each other and we'll try all kinds of experimental vaccines on them. And we'll, you know, that's the hope. That's the real hope here, okay? Because that's how this all started. You see, that's how earth started.

The Anunnaki or whatever, alien race was like, we need a slave race. Let's make them. Let's just fuck around with them and let's put biological material on earth, see what the fuck happens. And then they created us. You see, and it ain't that bad, right?

So in a thousand years from now, if they take some of our disgusting carcasses up to the next planet with them and they breed us as a slave race, then years later, they'll be a new Patreon and they'll be new podcasters and they'll be new fucking depressed people walking around closed down Bentley dealerships

and they'll be new dresses and new Vogue magazines and everybody will be fighting. And then in a thousand years, these motherfuckers will get up and they'll leave that planet and they'll just keep going around the universe like this and they'll be shape-shifting interdimensional aliens that feed on our negative energy and that's okay. Because that's just what this is, folks.

It's just what it is. So be happy with it, enjoy it, hope to God they put you on a spaceship, hope to God they see something valuable and they let you procreate to make a new slave race on their new planet. But until then, I'm gonna go right now because Ben has to do some research.

I saw a very pretty gown and I want it.