The Tim Dillon Show - 232 - Andrew Schulz

Starting point is 00:00:00 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. It is Christmas night, right? It's the 26th night What does that mean? So it's the night after Christmas. It's the night after Christmas. So Christmas is the 25th That's correct. And then which I know and then the 26th is what? Like Aren't you religious? What is it supposed to be is it something it's the day gotta be something I guess it's the first day of Jesus's life, right? Shut up. I Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. We have a great interview with Andrew Schultz coming up. We just got back from New York City We went to New York for a few days

Starting point is 00:00:43 To see my parents to surprise both of my parents to do a socially distanced Truncated holiday, which is really the way I want to do them from now on 10 minutes socially distanced You're alive. I'm alive. Okay. Cool. Bye. We're out of there. I Surprised my mother who's in a mental institution. By the way, everyone's like she's gonna be so surprised I'm like, she's insane. It's not gonna be that much of a surprise Every day she they just go today is another thing and she goes, okay, she's in an institution I'm sure she was I'm sure the level of surprise was somewhat muted. You know, I was I told her I said I'm sorry Trump lost she felt very bad about that because I know I know and we got to do it through a plate of glass

Starting point is 00:01:25 Like she's a felon Because of corona. So I got a COVID whatever you got a stand. I like corona. I like calling it the old school Yeah, I like that. I got to stand outside the plate glass window and then she kept demeaning Ben She kept going. I was like, yeah, Ben's my co-producer. She's like, oh, you're secretary Like not really. He's he edits all my content. She's like your secretary. I'm like, well My best friend. She's like your secretary. He's a secretary like well, you know Certainly some of his duties are secretarial. I mean, there's you know, but you you you took it in stride She's a lovely woman. You took it in stride

Starting point is 00:02:03 I think she thought it was funny to keep calling me a secretary because you're a smile. Yeah Well, you you you need to be beaten and people realize that if someone gives you too many compliments The things you will do the horror you will bring upon the world would be Unquantifiable this is true the nightmares that you if you are not Constantly made to feel bad about who you are You are not at your best. It's true. It's true It's a fact some people just need it and then we went to see my father and the woman he married those two Goons they just built a new house

Starting point is 00:02:40 They didn't build it They bought a new house two blocks away from their old house because they were bored During the quarantine and because as always they have no money and their perpetual victims and life is hard So they bought a new house. It's big not as big as my house. That doesn't matter. It does and they They're living there now in a lovely idealic kind of town You know, we go there. We surprised my father, you know, the first thing he says he looks at me He goes, you know, it's so nice here. He goes during the summer

Starting point is 00:03:10 The kids all throw water balloons at the fire trucks on the 4th of July. He goes, it's real Americana I'm like, oh, that's nice. Why didn't we live here when I was growing up? Why didn't you give a fuck about that? I was growing up doing cocaine at 13 years old in In my best friend's house whose mother was a prostitute and we were doing blow Where was your care about Americana back then? Where was Santa Claus in the fire truck back then? You didn't give a shit now. You care that you're 70 and you have no children Him and his chick their kids are gone They've all been raised in the round of the house now

Starting point is 00:03:46 They've decided to get a what a great place to raise ours. No children. What a great place to raise our dogs our dogs and Then my stepmother who I've you know, we've had issues, but I mean we're fine, you know I you know, I have no issue with anybody, but she likes to dig Yeah, she digs and many of you know this because you have family members that do this They give a compliment which is actually the worst thing you've ever heard They give you a compliment and then follow it up with the meanest someone can be to you They try to find your weaknesses

Starting point is 00:04:23 Isolate them and then attack which is what the woman does. She she started with me. She goes. Oh, you got a you got a nice big house I said, yeah, she goes. Are you all alone there? She doesn't even ask like that. She was like that. She goes first. She goes So just Ben live with you. I'm like no Ben lives with his wife and she goes, oh, so you're alone in the house I'm like, yeah, I'm alone. She goes does it get lonely there? And I'm like, no, it's fine. I like it's I live alone a lot of people live alone Doesn't it's not a big deal, but she's just going she's digging in and then she goes in him. She goes She goes so you

Starting point is 00:04:59 Work with him. She goes, how did you meet and he goes why why was a comedian in LA? She goes Oh, so you used to do comedy because you don't really do comedy anymore and Ben's like no I'm my desk. Well, he works with Tim and they do this whole thing and she goes. Oh, so you don't do your own comedy Anymore like again, just trying to needle and then he it starts to work on him He starts to get like sad. He goes. I'm just a laugh track. I'm just a laugh track. That's all I do And I'm like, god damn it. No, don't let her do this And she starts talking about her own daughter. She goes my daughter lives in a small apartment and doesn't have any friends She goes the law firms keeping her very busy

Starting point is 00:05:38 But she doesn't have any friends because she hasn't lived in Long Island in a decade And the only joy in her life is when me and your father take her out for dinner. I'm like, well, I'm sure that's not true I'm sure that's completely untrue. And if she's having such a hard time of it in life. Why are you telling me this? God keep it in But she likes that she likes to spread Horror she does. I mean, it's just what it is and poor little Ben was like I'm like Ben runs our company Ben does everything and Ben was just like, I'm just a laugh track I'm just a laugh track

Starting point is 00:06:14 That's all I do and I'm just like where you could tell she's she doesn't work on me I don't care. I go yeah, I like being alone And then we start telling her about patreon and all the money that we make and everything just because I would never do that But the way I I only behaved in that manner because she It angered her it angers them when I talk about money that angers them, right? But but we were in and out of there what ten minutes get ten minutes both of us thoroughly insulted and This is what you this is what you can do Instead of doing the whole holiday party because holidays are fun if you have little kids and you give them Batman

Starting point is 00:06:53 That's not it for a lot of us for a lot of us It's going to a family sitting around a room with a bunch of people with drinking problems and Divorces multiple bankruptcies people don't even know who each other are anymore You're like, who are you again? You're dating who? your your uncle fucking Rick's

Starting point is 00:07:15 Girlfriend you've been seeing each other how like no one knows each other. It's like it's also I'm a divorced family So I don't even know the uncle whose girlfriend this is Like I'm Sharon. I date Steve who Steve what are we all doing here? It's a waste of our time Everybody's like one, you know, we're all like somehow this is this odd configuration of human beings in a Divorced family where people have several marriages and different children It's a man. Have you ever been at these holiday parties where like the kids come in?

Starting point is 00:07:50 Like after they were with their other family. This is true. It's like the saddest thing It's like and now the kids are back from dads and the kids run in on manic And they and they have to start like they fling their Jackets off and then they grabbed their presence and then they like they're like I'm now. I'm enjoying my second Christmas With this other family. I really don't know It's so weird and then they introduced the kids to you and you're like, hey Whatever their names are, you know Hey Ralph no one's named Ralph, but you know what I mean? I don't what there's too many of their real names for me to use

Starting point is 00:08:29 Even though I do talk about I Don't know why I'm shielding the children But I feel like it's just make sense But then you look at them and they like you know some I love like the The girls who are kind of country like the like girls and they're like early teens or whatever like this is Tim This is Timmy son, and they just like this ago You know and I'm like yeah, Merry Christmas Merry I don't know why I'm here. Merry Christmas. I hate this

Starting point is 00:09:01 It's such I mean the the Christmases have just gotten tragic and then people you barely know hand you garbage gifts They hand you shit gifts my stepmother's father once gave me a hard drive. I'm like, what is this the Zepp Ruder film? It was fucking He goes it's it's just as all these facts because you're a comedian. You should know a bunch of facts It was just endless pages of facts about everything you can think about really. Yeah I'm like what the fuck is going on here. What is this? But you don't know these people and they shouldn't even be giving you gifts and yet they are You just fall out of

Starting point is 00:09:43 Families you fall out like I said to Ben like Ben is my family because like my mom's nuts and my dad I love him, but he's had a lobotomy. I mean he's been McMurphy Talking about his dogs and then his wife Maleficent is trying to ruin our lives here She's trying to just destroy any semblance of self-respect me and this kid have and then I I choose that or my lunatic mother You know in a stop the steel hat with Tina 40 So and I don't know and my cousins and my cut listen to this my cousin Okay, the ones that aren't in jail currently Text me and goes hey, I don't ask for much by the way

Starting point is 00:10:24 Good, I don't ask for anything. So when you go, I don't ask for much. I go good. Please don't change that Please have that be the only text. Hey, I don't ask for much. Oh noted Merry Christmas But then he goes like this I'm gonna read the text. It's out of his goddamn mind these people And I love everyone and respect them, but I have to let everyone know Listen to this Listen throwing this out there. I don't ask for much. I

Starting point is 00:11:00 Don't have a Twitter and Budweiser is doing this thing if you send them a pic of your dog They will put it on their beer can can you send this picture to Budweiser and send the hashtag Pup wiser Hashtag pop what? Aren't you in recovery? Why do you want a dog on a but can a Budweiser? What's the next thing you want me to do get a picture of your dog on a syringe You want an oxy con with a picture of your cat get to work folks?

Starting point is 00:11:31 I've had enough Then he goes You know I'll save the trouble if you answer. I'll just go fuck myself. Correct. Love the little guy, but enough No, I'm not putting your dog on a can of Budweiser many people in our family have wet brain because of that product Okay There's people that can't stand up straight without getting vertigo. Yeah, I don't think we should put your puppy on On a beer bottle enough with the substances for Christ Fucking Irish slobs one at all

Starting point is 00:12:06 My skin looks horrible cuz I just got back from New York and I'm related to these people and my I believe my emotions Bleed out of my face. That's why I uploaded that photo of the studio and everyone's shitting on me because I look so bad So bad get it up and show them how bad I look I want you to know how bad I look and I know I don't look good now, but I looked horrible I looked good a week ago though many of you commented on that look away goes how much did the vaccine one get that's fun 25,000. Oh, that's just fun though. This is me getting the vaccine. Can we play that? Yeah, of course my own goddamn Twitter This is me getting the vaccine I got the vaccine yesterday and I feel great

Starting point is 00:12:52 Thank you for the vaccine. I'm very happy about the vaccine and I feel good Just fun Now look at this photo I mean and can you do the close-up? Mm-hmm Do a close-up on me in this photo if you can it is so Hard go in deep to my yes further Further as I can go Find a way to go further okay, hold on This is so harrowing and Ben looks great by the way adding nothing as he usually does I

Starting point is 00:13:29 It is so harrowing this photo of myself that I was So I didn't want to post it, but I'm like I'm gonna have to post it And I did and I just took my medicine because people People were honestly like this is horrific and they were right But it was a boss picture sometimes you got to look my god My god look at that man Look at that Everything is the hair the gray the blotchiness the breakout the fat shit like

Starting point is 00:14:08 Everything came to get the expression the bags under the eyes Everything came together for just a moment of horror a corpse an Irish corpse Better looking than 75% of Irish women though. Let's be honest That's what an Irish woman looks like when she gets older. That's the best you're gonna do if someone's named Terry or Colleen But what a horror if you're not if you're not if you're not watching this you go to my Instagram and you'll see it get it away, please But I was in New York and because I have to deal Now thank God we were able to go to Artie's south shore fish in Island Park which reopened It is the best fish restaurant on Long Island still

Starting point is 00:14:55 They've got the same chef. They've got the same fish guy It is truly amazing and I'm happy to have gone there to have flown across the country flown across the country to have patronized such an establishment and I think that that's a great thing that we did there it is Artie's south shore fish in a blizzard no less And we did it The tuna tartare buffalo calamari shrimp cocktail tuna tidbits baby crab cakes any of the fishes their soul is great

Starting point is 00:15:30 They have everything you go in there. You say what came in today? What's fresh halibut? Whatever you get it with a little white wine lemon get some potatoes. Maybe a sweet potato little spinach. Boom. You're done It's great. Don't shut down more restaurants, please Stop shutting down restaurants They have done so much work the government has done nothing the government has spent eight months twiddling their fucking thumbs They haven't passed a relief bill. They haven't done anything. They haven't they haven't they've not increased ICU capacity They haven't built more hospitals. They've done nothing

Starting point is 00:16:06 Restaurants on the other hand have worked their asses off trying to operate safely They've done they've spent tons of money to put outdoor dining in They put those glass partitions up between tables. They went through all of these different regulations Okay, they want to keep their customers safe. They want to keep their employees safe They worked harder than the government and Gavin Newsom and Andrew Cuomo and the other scumbags who run these states Are shutting them down and Destroying their ability to earn a living and earn money and I know it's a real disease And I know it is spiking but there has to be a better way to do this than to destroy

Starting point is 00:16:46 people's livelihoods forever and Then let all this fucking money these bailouts that get passed go to corporate America and Jimmy Dore did a whole great thing On this where he goes this is an upward transfer wealth Which I I spoke to Mullen when this first happened and after 9-11 after all of these things after the the the mortgage crisis There just is this massive transfer of wealth Upwards to the most powerful People the least vulnerable people in our society are rewarded and the most vulnerable people in our society are fucked people that work People that work at fucking food

Starting point is 00:17:24 Distribution centers that you know the Tyson chicken Factory people that have to have to go to work essential workers restaurant workers people that are earning a living Not in their house like we are lucky enough to do they're out there fucking actually going out and earning a fucking living and by the way Everybody has a problem with comics doing shows nobody has a problem with people working at Ralph's because they don't give a shit about those people Okay, nobody has a problem with that nobody has a problem with other Workers that are going out doing essential work. I know there's good arguments why comics shouldn't do shows I'm not doing shows right now. I hopefully will get back to them in March, okay? but

Starting point is 00:18:02 There also has to be an understanding like for some people that was never a quarantine those people never had the luxury of being off Okay, whether they work at a grocery store or a place like Walmart or Target or whatever it was or they drove an Uber or a lift and they had to earn fucking money and It's just to Scott. I mean what is left to do with people like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and And Mitch McConnell other than publicly execute them and I know and I say that as an intellectual exercise But what is left to do with this government right now? Truly what is left to do with the government?

Starting point is 00:18:41 These are these people have ordered businesses to shut down They have not provided any relief and then they are they go and give you tours of their freezer like that Well that that old witch Nancy Pelosi did seven months ago where she's walking around showing you that she's got gelato in the freak What what can be done with these people other than to to draw and quarter them Catholic Inquisition Stop put them on a rack. I Mean honestly, why are these people still around? Why in God's name is Nancy Pelosi? She's the wicked witch of the West's sister Like she's the one where you just saw the feet furl up. Yeah

Starting point is 00:19:24 Why is she there? Why is Chuck Schumer these people they don't leave? They have been a part of these 12th transfers and Jimmy Dore that great kind of viral clip They've engineered them Republicans and Democrats have engineered these things. They think they think these things are great so I Don't know what's left to do truly and I'm I would never and I'm not now advocating any type of violence But I do understand people's frustration and they go what do you do with a government that is just really completely failed on on every level here You got to vote all of these people out. I guess. I mean, that's the only thing you can really do. They are truly

Starting point is 00:20:06 Enemies of the public good in in every way. They are enriching themselves and their friends at the expense of everybody else There was a way to do this. There was a way to do masks and distancing and compromising and Building more ICUs and building more beds and increasing hospital Capabilities and maybe invoking the defense production act using companies that didn't traditionally make medical equipment and PPE to start doing it There were ways to do all of this there were ways to do it and we didn't do it We failed at every level from Trump on down to Lori Lightfoot who's leading Chicago Can you get up Lori Lightfoot when she dressed up on Halloween, Lori Lightfoot Halloween costume this year, please? And she came in as like the Defeater of Corona or something she she came in

Starting point is 00:20:58 Are these people are these people insane This is the your government these people are running major American cities But she had another costume it was like there was something even more of the rona destroyer. Yes the rona destroyer This is Lori Lightfoot's the mayor of Chicago as the rona just I mean The woman runs a city of Chicago not like a little town

Starting point is 00:21:42 She's running the city of Chicago Dressed in a cape. That's just the rona destroyer Go get up Gavin Newsom get up this loser Get a dinner party put get the image on that this is Gavin Newsom's dinner party that he was at at the French laundry Which is a phenomenal restaurant There it is everybody an indoor dinner party, which has been covered at nauseam And I don't want to spend a lot of time on it, but I just want to say there. He is at an indoor dinner party resign Resign now. I'm not kidding resign

Starting point is 00:22:17 Who's the mayor of Austin and do the same thing? Yeah, he flew to Cobb? Yeah, good resign. Yeah, resign if you break your own lockdown rule That is impoverishing and destroying the lives of people in order to supposedly save them. You need to resign. Look at this criminal Yeah, who is this the mayor of what? Austin? God? Yep Steve Adler Yeah, resign Truly if you're going to do this you have to resign

Starting point is 00:22:49 Yeah, I mean it I don't you know, they never will these people never relinquish power at all But you have to resign if you're staunchly pro lockdown it that's your position But you have to not go and do the dinner parties at the French laundry and take planes to Cabo You can't do it. You can't ask everybody you can't destroy people's lives and then go out and party How are the holiday how are the holiday shopping numbers? How are the retail numbers? Well, John That's the old thing we pulled up to it says it's doing good. I mean

Starting point is 00:23:32 Economy's doing great, you know, the Dow hit 30,000. No, I mean there's there's I'm sure there's numbers at the end of this Yeah, we're gonna find the numbers, you know after the holiday season is over people gonna look back at the earnings How it always is and they're gonna go. Yeah There's probably weak I Mean look at the unemployment. What are the unemployment numbers right now, Ben? I mean, it's like the craziest thing. I've ever seen in my life Unemployment rate is People are filing claims every week And it's really really bad, you know, I mean, it's really really really bad

Starting point is 00:24:16 It's gone down, but it's going back up again We you got to find that how many people Try to find out how many people filed for unemployment last week If we had Jamie Vernon, we'd have it up. This will take another hour, I hope nobody has anything to do Hope nobody has anything to do. It's another two or three hours. Yeah before we get it. Thank you, Ben 751,000 people filed for jobless claims last week You know the week before that was 758,000 and two of those motherfuckers should be Gavin Newsom and that guy in Austin truly. I mean

Starting point is 00:24:57 This is fucking it's crazy Outdoor dining in LA should not be closed down it accounts for such a small percentage of transmission outdoor dining in the Sun in LA should not be shut down Indoor dining, I don't know enough about it But I know that when we're in New York and we're eating in fucking these weird vestibules They've built these like stables on the street these stalls They'd look like a horse would go in but we're eating in it and we're eating at 35 degree weather But it's again, it's a building you have insulation to a degree. It's not insulated and warm, but you're saying yourself

Starting point is 00:25:32 I'm in a fucking building. It's a mind fuck like I'm in a building on the street Instead of in a building, so I don't get it. Why not invest in better air filtration systems? We could have done all of this Yeah, we could have done all of this, but we didn't do anything and Trump has been no fucking help. He's out I mean, he's over it, you know and It's just frustrating it's frustrating because he's gonna be a very it's gonna be a tough holiday season For a lot of people my father is in the wine business and it's doing very well because a lot of people drinking But a lot of his friends are in the restaurant business and they're suffering and they're all scared about another shut down the leg If there's another shut down, we're all fucked. I don't think a lot of people can handle another shut down, especially in that industry

Starting point is 00:26:16 you know so It's going to be Difficult my stepmother now works from home permanently lucky him lucky my dad, but it's You know listen It's it's it's a tough season so we've got to find a way to do have you found a way for us to do charity I mean no you're smiling. I have I have you're smiling, but it's I ask you to do it a lot Yeah, I researched the best thing we can do is find a church that that we like and church of Satan

Starting point is 00:26:52 The best thing we can do is directly go to the people like you said so we need to find a church that we like and go door-to-door Give people, you know, there's canned food. There's rent relief things like that I'm trying not to throw out a general thing, but that's what we should do So we don't have to give to one of these big companies that so where the let me ask you a few questions We go to a church. Mm-hmm, and they give us people's addresses. We show up at the house Well, you go with a we're supposed to go with a group of people, but now I'm what do you mean? We could we got COVID out there and we don't have any friends What do you do to a group of people you want me to go a little Zen? What are we doing here?

Starting point is 00:27:29 You want me a Candace Owens to knock on doors? What group? You go door-to-door you ask people for canned food if they have any canned food They they don't need you take that and then you give it to people that need it Like wait wait a minute This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. Where did you read this? You go to someone's house and you ask them for canned food. We give it to someone else We do this in Texas. Why didn't you just buy the canned food? It's 10 cents or you can go buy canned food to totally Yeah, I'm it seems crazy to go knock on someone's door. Go. Do you have any corn? You're not using I want to

Starting point is 00:28:03 Redistribute it. It's small towns of Texas. It's not that insane because it's like everybody knows everybody, you know, you knock you go Hey, Donna, you got any, you know Any green beans or something? Okay? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt there. I Don't know where the hell I'm gonna do. We're gonna walk around Beverly Hills Hi Hey First of all, beautiful home. This is stunning. Did you just buy? Been here two years. What a two years has been. I know

Starting point is 00:28:31 Anyway, so me and my producer. Oh, thank you. Oh my well, it is familiar because I'm on the I'm on podcast a lot Oh, Rogan. I'm a regular on that. My own show is kind of big and Right. Thank you. I put lights out with David spade. No, you saw that You saw lights out with David spade. Well, yeah, well, thank you I think I was one of the funnier ones many of the people that went in there and they're on drugs Let's be honest and they don't work, but I really appreciate that you said all those kind things Me and my producer, I guess who you know, right? You're a fan are trying to do a Like a charity where if you have any extra I

Starting point is 00:29:11 Haven't eaten I have had not eaten at all actually I'm Craigs you ordered craigs. That's amazing. It's too much for you for one bro. Hey, I Mean pinch my you know, come on. I'll eat some craigs if you ordered craigs. That's that's phenomenal Okay, and you've got some of the pints of the vegan peanut butter chip ice cream. I Love to see the backyard. I lie. You're absolutely love to see the backyard. Oh Well me my producer we're just doing a we're doing like a Charity she did get fat. She got very fat and I think that's why she's not working

Starting point is 00:29:49 She's very fat. It's why she's not working right now and it's sad because I think it's it's booze fat It's that flabby booze fat. It's not you know, you don't look at her and go She's full of a Christmas roast you go. She's full of Cheap fuel if you know what I mean like gasoline that type of thing. Yeah, but I mean I've met her a few times But there's a cunt. Oh, I don't care fuck her fuck her and a husband. I don't give a shit about any of it Yeah, well, no me and my producer were trying to collect food for Needy people I fight hold my god. I know it was crazy. Did they come down the street?

Starting point is 00:30:29 Did they come down the street chanting? Oh? My god eat the rich on this street. I mean, it's disgusting. Of course. It's the universities It's absolutely the universities absolutely. I would love one and Evian is fine. Thank you It's the universities and I've said it before it's there's a lot of problems in the schools And we've kind of let them get insane and oh, I love dogs. I love them. I love them. Yeah, I should sue They're fine. It's a very Beverly Hills dog. Isn't it? You know, it just kind of just sits on a couch I love is this Ovo leather. It's very soft Yes, it's very very soft. Oh the guys here. He's here Ben get the crags

Starting point is 00:31:10 That'll do. He'll get it. He doesn't mind. No, he doesn't mind. Oh, you you have one. Okay. Get okay. Thank you Thank you. Not your boom bun Yes Well, it's I mean listen, it's it's so great to to meet you and this has been so enjoyable Absolutely. Oh, we were just trying to figure out like a like a charity or Something or That's very interesting. So you actually have a charity interesting

Starting point is 00:31:40 So what are you trying to do? Okay, so you're trying to like interesting fashion for women in Afghanistan so smart so smart and You also you own some textile Mills, okay, and you're just trying to kind of because if people look good and feel good, of course, I Well, listen, are you doing a dinner for it? Okay. Here's the deal take my information

Starting point is 00:32:07 Let me know if you ever want to do, you know, I'll come we'll do a dinner I love if you ever need a comedian to kind of lighten things up when you have one of these dinners Let's try to build more textile factories so we can churn out some kind of fashion forward Clothing for those women in Afghanistan without clits That sounds great. Well, it's good to meet you. I let you can't go wrong with Craigs And what am I gonna do? That's door-to-door in this in this town What do you mean door-to-door Ben Avery's door-to-door, you know, I can help people privately

Starting point is 00:32:44 But it's hard to give money to an organization I really don't trust the Red Cross and I really don't trust a lot of different organizations Because I know how they're run and they're not run well, and it's unfortunate What is my Christmas present? Your what do you want to know your Christmas present being Katie talked about it today? Oh, stop this Let me tell you right now though. Let me tell you how that let me do you want to see how that conversation went Let's imagine him and his wife discussing my Christmas. No, let's imagine that ready. Let's imagine that let's have a full fun Let's have a little fun imagine that I

Starting point is 00:33:19 I Guess we have to get Tim the Christmas present ban He's the fat ogre and he abuses you you don't need to get him anything you should cut his throat while he sleeps Katie I will do that But before I have you know another opportunity We should probably get him like something he'll like like a big bowl of pancake batter that he can just cook and eat because he's

Starting point is 00:33:48 A peg ban. Can we give him something and poison him? He's destroyed your life He's destroyed our lives. You were supposed to be the biggest arena comedian in America and now you're working for this fat neardoo Well, I hate him. He's disgusting So you discuss the present by the way that is the exact word-for-word Conversation that happens in that home That's the exact

Starting point is 00:34:18 Word, that's why he's laughing. It's word for word What happens in that home? He does nothing but take advantage of you and I was ah He's the worst So what what Christmas present have you and the missus cooked up for me. I'm such a lucky boy Well, I'm such a lucky man. I know you so much better She was like, what if I got like a framed photo of like all the studios you guys have been in over the years

Starting point is 00:34:49 Like from the porch to the and I was like, no, he'll hate that. She's like, well, what is he like? I'm like, well, he likes Rolls Royce's yeah, so she was like I like more than that now. You're cheapening me You're making me into a cartoon in the character, but you love Rolls Royce. Who doesn't it's not a knock on you No, I'm not I don't think it is but it's so we really they're gonna get you I also like people that don't plot to kill me People don't plot to poison me for Christmas. You might like I did not kill you. Yeah. Well CIA you and her whoever So like a collectible the the Rolls Royce continental like a because I can't get you an actual So you're gonna get me a little car. Yeah. Yeah, but you love looking at the Rolls Royce's

Starting point is 00:35:32 I love you look at pictures of I love time. Yeah, so like like an actual so well, that's sweet Yeah, or an ornament a Rolls Royce ornament Katie mentioned, which was funny because of the Ornament that the the Greyhound ornament is it's just funny that she even mentioned that she's what about a Rolls Royce ornament Well, I think if you and her got all of your money together and got some loans, you probably get me an old Rolls Royce How much are how much are old go look it up right now? Look it up right now. I Think you could you could get you could go really old you could get it's like at the Rolls Royce Pasadena here Pre-owned

Starting point is 00:36:09 Yeah, let's see. Well, wait a hundred twenty three thousand. Is that it? Yeah, I mean Ben Let's be honest you're gonna get me an ornament Why don't you do the real thing? Go back up. What year is that? What year is that a hundred and twenty six? The ghost 2011? 18,000 miles, that's it. I mean, I gotta be honest with you. Why didn't I buy that? Why did I get this dumb ranger over? The fuck's wrong with me. It is pretty sick. Dude. Let me look at that again It's nice. I mean dude What the fuck dude 2013 ghosts can I see that? Yeah, dude, what if I what if I sell the range and get the ghost?

Starting point is 00:36:53 This isn't good I'm not getting a Rolls Royce ghost, but I think you and your wife should for me. We'll get you one one day a Lot of talk, you know what your Christmas present is Is it what your Spanish teacher used to say? She used to say mr. Dylan you've get the Robin's egg again you get zero. No, here's your Christmas present You know what it is it's a job We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas

Starting point is 00:37:35 You continue to have a job That's right Cratchit you still have a job We literally had a Thanksgiving where it was Cratchit where he wanted Thanksgiving morning I needed him to move furniture out of Whitney Cummings house and he couldn't because him and his wife were doing some God only knows Thanksgiving brunch and I and I so You know, so I was I of course him that I'm like work grind Help the you know get the movers me give them money give everyone get hit everybody off give everyone and you know him is very deeply

Starting point is 00:38:08 Selfish so he had that Cratchit moment where he goes I don't need to work and I'll just kind of loaf around and then I'm like you should just come to the job And he goes by I'll start going to therapy and I'm like, no, that's not it That's his generation. Damn does that shit too. They're weak and they go I well just because it's like no you could just do the job that you should be doing but hey, I appreciate the little car The tiny little the matchbox car that you and your wife were gonna get me. Well, we haven't found it yet. Well, but hey, I This is why I love Christmas

Starting point is 00:38:42 This is why I love Christmas Because I have shared with Ben my my mind my comedy my career my life My, you know, all of my friends all of my connections. I've taken him all over the country He's met some fascinating people and he has seen some of the most interesting and exciting things that have gone down in media and comedy over the last two years and I'm very excited about my matchbooks my matchbook rolls Royce that you and your wife are going to give me a little matchbook car Isn't it? Isn't it sweet? It'll be bigger than that. I want to find like one that's like that pig. I think it's hey, I love it. I

Starting point is 00:39:28 Think it's sweet and that's what I love about Christmas That's what I love about Christmas is that we can give each other the gifts. Yes, you know, that's Why you laughing just funny, but it is funny. It is funny. Yeah, it is cuz what are you gonna get me? It's hard to get me things right. It's very hard to get you very hard to get me something. Yeah, so why not a matchbook car? Like a toy for child Right like it's like a child's toy. No, like you put it Let him browse rice that fat fuck. Hopefully I'll think it's food. I'll choke on it and die. I hate I'm bad. I hope he dies Well, I'm eagerly anticipating my matchbook car from my best friend and business partner

Starting point is 00:40:19 Who will be giving me him and his wife would say put thought into it and Decided that they wanted to get me a little model car and maybe maybe I'll get them a model train set Fun Andrew Schultz has released a four-part comedy special called Schultz saves America on Netflix He is incredibly funny. He's also very savvy and very smart. He understands this business better than many many people and This episode is really good because not only I think will it entertain People that aren't in this business But if you are a young person or or whatever age you are if you're a creator

Starting point is 00:41:01 If you're in a business where you have to be forward-thinking and you got to evolve This is a very interesting conversation about how to evolve how to utilize things Like social media and YouTube to build kind of enough You know traction equity whatever so you can go out there and get larger companies to fuck with you It's an interesting conversation Andrew knows more about it than pretty much anyone else, you know So he's been able to do some really amazing shit and we talk about it for an hour that we also go and other stuff too So as always we thank you for the will we have another we have another episode before the end of the year

Starting point is 00:41:40 No, no, no, no, no, that's it So the 26th and 27 28, no, no, no, I think our next episode it drops on the second or third This is the last one of the year. Yeah, I want to end with a thought I would having this thought Because I am hopeful about things and I How great would it be if New Year's Eve Coming up in about a week, right?

Starting point is 00:42:10 Clock strikes 12 Every country Decides to nuke us at the same time. I Mean every single one how Great would that be great for all the Queens and just every kind I mean little countries Just firing off whatever they got just ever just nukes us at the same time on New Year's Eve

Starting point is 00:42:42 Just an idea just a thought I Mean it's such a crazy year to really think about Where this show is what the show has become What was the first episode of last year? Can you find it, please? Thank you This is crazy to think where the show has grown and how much the show has grown in a year and The most insane year that I've ever been a part of in my life. I Want to know

Starting point is 00:43:17 What the first episode was last year? So our last one of the year was Sal Volcano, so then it was see not there It was the history and is was the last one and then low-cost high quality the one we did in the car And that was the first episode of last year Low-cost high quality at January 4th This has been a year to Really Remember for many reasons, but this show has grown so dramatically in a year, right? Yeah, I mean it's crazy

Starting point is 00:43:57 insane We appreciate everybody that watches the show that listens to it that tells their friends and family about it This has been a crazy journey for us. We had no idea we'd be able to do the things we are now doing You know, we're going all around the country. The shows are all sold out. We've been on the Joe Rogan experience You know, I've been on it now seven times Once with an election live stream and once with one of the most epic podcasts ever recorded sitting next to Alex Jones It was one of the coolest things ever and me and Ben used to sit in the garage in California And watch people like Rogan and watch Alex and watch all these people and wonder how we could catapult ourselves into that reality

Starting point is 00:44:35 truly, you know what I mean and and It's kind of amazing to see that we've been able to do that, you know, we've been able to do that. We've been able to kind of Claim some turf and from there be really funny about a lot of fucked up shit That's been happening a lot of dark stuff that's been happening and we've been as funny about it as we can we can be And we've been doing that for years, but this year it really it really kind of caught on, you know, and You know We first met in

Starting point is 00:45:10 2016 yes, yeah, and we sat in that garage for a few years and just made shit and talked and smoked cigarettes and But It was it's truly amazing to be here be in a new studio, you know and It's it's the most insane professional journey. I've ever been on in my life. I've done specials. I've sold pilots I've shot pilots. I've had big people produce things that never went anywhere. I've done, you know, I've toured

Starting point is 00:45:49 I've done all this shit, but the building this show has been the most insane professional journey of my life And I'm sure for you. It's in the top five You know, I would hope um, but I mean, do you want to say anything somewhat? Sincere about the show now Do you want to get a match book car for all the listeners like Oprah where they look under the sea? I Would you like to get a toy car for everyone? So I can say something sincere yes

Starting point is 00:46:30 Here's what I'll say Here's what I'll say about What the direction we're moving in we're very excited. No do it do it do it you're gonna say something sincere No, you'll just make fun of me. I'm not gonna make fun of you Okay, I'm not gonna make fun of you This has been the the coolest thing ever to it's so surreal to go from the garage making sketches on the iPhone Because we didn't have a camera. We didn't have a computer We didn't have any of this stuff and and we still did it to it's been cool to watch you get successful and famous

Starting point is 00:47:03 It's been really exciting for me and Uh, I love you a lot That's what I wanted to say that you wanted me to be real and I thank you for everything Well, I thank you I know people think you hate me or something, but it's they don't get that it's a joke and stuff But it's been really cool to know you. Well, listen I just want to say That instead of saying all that

Starting point is 00:47:34 You could just show it to me by getting me a small Model of a Rolls Royce That I could play with on this desk. No, I love you. You're my only family on earth. Literally. It's you Yeah, Jake Paul and Candice Owens. No, as your stepmother pointed out you she was like, so you guys only have each other. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys are losers. You don't have any other friends. Yeah. Well, that's yeah. Well, you know Okay, but she also looks like Danny Aiello So Hey

Starting point is 00:48:06 So happy new year everybody. I'm not by the way I I can't even imagine anyone for my family still talks to me But I just don't lie so many comics out there just they make shit up and they lie I just talk about the shit that I got to talk about that is real to me the fact that the show resonates with people I guess I should look at the fight. There's all these rules. I got to look at the camera. How The fact that the show resonates with people the fact that you guys fucking watch it and you and you send me photos of The fact you guys went and saw me and Dan out there when we were out there performing live and the fact that like

Starting point is 00:48:40 You know, you you've you've allowed this show to grow to what it is and hopefully it grows even more is huge it is it is something that we really enjoy doing and um You know, we we we are grateful for it. I'm grateful for it, you know, and I I think that we I don't say that enough You know, because I'm trying to be funny, which is I'm you know, that's the job of me um, but we're definitely grateful for the fact that you guys have been as aggressive in supporting this show

Starting point is 00:49:10 Not not only the patrons, which we appreciate the fuck out of but Everybody who watches on youtube everybody who shares it This that and the other thing and um, you know, the show is not going to be like a touchy feely sentimental show now But we just wanted for the end of the year You know, I mean this guy loves me so much. He's got me a toy car You see what I mean? so I just want to let you know that I appreciate you as much as he appreciates me and if you guys were here

Starting point is 00:49:38 I would too Give you a toy car of a car. You can't afford so that you can play with it like a child or As my stepmother said I would I would bring you into my home And uh, you know dress you down I dress I would dress you down But for all of us here at the tim Dillon show, which is just literally all of us. It's just It's Ben and me that's all that's the only team that really matters

Starting point is 00:50:09 There's other people on the team and they're whatever, you know We got agents and managers and people that we like and they're doing good jobs But the reality is me and Ben are the team And we've taken this thing As as, you know, we'll continue to take it Um as far as we can take it and you guys allow us to take it, you know because I think That if we really got smart here

Starting point is 00:50:36 We could turn this audience Into a violent militia Get out of here Bravo's Below Deck is a show where severely damaged people clean boats in 10 to millionaires It's very entertaining this season the chef on board started yelling eat my cooter at the production crew and then quit If you want to hear three cis white males break down the show then listen to another below deck podcast hosted by dylan Pat and nick davis the producer of this past weekend and the king in the sting with the ovan

Starting point is 00:51:09 If you like the bachelor, they've got another bachelor podcast nick dylan and pat just got done with the most recent season That was filmed this summer quarantine at la quinta resort in palm springs. Not that nice It featured a bulimic army vet who tried to take his own life. Well, no hate on the resort. I've just been nicer places I have my private home It's featured a bulimic army vet who tried to take his own life twice in 2019 a former drug addict who was caught trying to steal his father's checks and an engineer whose brother is a jailbird With tear tattoos on his face None of this is made up in any way the next season of the bachelor featuring

Starting point is 00:51:44 The first black male lead in the show's history starts next week and promises to feature And take advantage of equally as damaged people as contestants. Okay so Go to another below deck podcast and another bachelor podcast on apple podcast and leave a five star review that says tim dylan sent you Okay, that's another below deck podcast and another bachelor podcast and leave a five star review that said tim dylan sent you Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the tim dylan show andrew schultz is with us schult saves america trending right now on netflix six part

Starting point is 00:52:21 comedy series four part four part It's on hulu right now It is a six part documentary about andrew's parents and it is on amazon prime dance studio It's about the dance studio Ballroom dancing ballroom dancing save america. No, it's four part. They're calling it a comedy special Yeah, because it's funny. Yeah, and it's you it's kind of like you're here in review. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah And you were doing these things on instagram Yeah, and you were doing the turn your phone everybody fucking loved them the rock was what like everybody was watching real cool about that

Starting point is 00:52:59 And and then you you got the opportunity to take it to netflix How was it going from instagram where you could do whatever you want say whatever you want? To netflix because that's I think a big question that people's heads like yeah You're the independent guy you do and say what you want But you get away with a lot of shit too on the netflix. They they were great Okay, they were great. Yeah Legally, it's tricky right. There's certain things you just can't say legally Right or images was the biggest pain in the ass because when we were doing youtube shit

Starting point is 00:53:26 You just grab any fucking image off the internet like right now. You got to pay for images Everything costs money. We probably spent I don't even know if I should say probably between 50 and 100 thousand dollars on images. Yeah images We did that show tournament of laughs on tbs. We had a sketch about Uh, jeffrey eppstein's island and they go we can't afford eppstein's island. Can we do another island? I'm like no the picture of yeah, the picture that couldn't afford the picture Of eppstein's they're like we need another island. Can we make it work with another island? I'm like no use kona. Yeah Right for seasons. Yeah, I don't know but so so it and legally it's what you can say about people

Starting point is 00:54:04 Yeah, so like there was like weird things that they pushed back like I have like crazy jokes in it It's just absurd right and then like there was one joke that was an aside. It wasn't even like a real joke Right. It was like we're talking about corona and I think the line was like Uh, I think it was like uh trump with no experiences in Experienced it with viruses outside of the ones he got from stormy. This is not even a joke. Right, you know my stuff It's just a little jab. It's excited. It's excited, right? Yeah, they're like you can't say that and I go What do you mean? Have you listened to the rest? Right like within the first 10 seconds? There's a joke about like female

Starting point is 00:54:37 Genital mutilation. Yeah, so it's just like Why is this and then the lawyer goes? I basically say that I might get a little upset. I'm like, what's going on, right? And I go, uh, I go, why can't we say but well, there's no proof that she's at std's and I go, well, she's a whore For a living. She's a whore. It's a it's a job requirement And then he goes, that's why I go, what he goes You could hurt her ability to do her job. Oh, wow

Starting point is 00:55:06 So it's not just saying somebody's ugly or whatever. That's fine. That's right But her job is to fuck for money and if you say she's got an scd She might not be able to fuck for money. It impacts even though it's an illegal job. Technically. It's weird. Is it legal? Or I don't think it's legal, right? I think you could be a whore some places I think in like vague not vegas, uh outside of vegas like where the bunny ranch was. Okay. Yeah, okay. Wow That's so that was like, I'm not gonna fight that one. I kind of care when you do jokes about, uh, The coronavirus and you do some chinese jokes. Do you get and people get a little? Offended about that. Yeah, nobody has been offended. No, what no

Starting point is 00:55:44 It's also like you're doing a joke about the president of china not chinese people I literally I mean this is like I literally say in it Like my thing is like is like it's it's specifically sarcastic and the people that I'm making fun of are my friends Of course, you know what I mean? Like so when I say jet lee and I put bobby lee's picture instead, right? Right? Like that's a nod to bobby, right? You know what I mean, right? But like this is Uh I hate when it's that predictable like our whole thing was Good comedy reviews are useless to me. They're useless to everyone. I need

Starting point is 00:56:17 Outrage, right right and anger and anger, right? And they literally you could tell they didn't watch the last episode because in the last episode I go This is how media works. Yeah bloggers, right? That mean nothing get angry, right? Real organizations react to the fake news story that the bloggers made as if it's real Yeah, then the bloggers react to the news story and now you've created news out of nothing, right? So we literally say it and then and then it happens. It happens. It happens immediately And all those are just in like thank you What do you think after quarantine? Because you're you have an interesting eye on culture and the way people behave

Starting point is 00:56:52 Nobody really knows what's going to happen after this ends, right when we get a vaccine. When does it end? Is it the vaccine? I think the vaccine I I think by september. We're we're totally done. Yeah, I think we're done in phases And I think we're done late spring early summer. Yeah, we start to really see it and then by september I think we're good. Okay. Or do people Run out of their homes and go fuck and take their computers and phones and throw them away And go fuck that I just want to live and jump in a lake and fuck And go to bars and do country line dancing Do people do that or do they go I've just programmed now to live on this device and I'm gonna live on it forever

Starting point is 00:57:30 What do you think? I don't know. Yeah, and I've said before in the show. I don't know I don't know but we've learned how to live on these devices for so long one week of fucking And then everyone's back in it's like, yeah, why was I doing that? Right? I think it's one week to just know that you could do it. It'll be a one week to go out. Heednism Crazy do shit call family members. You don't even like And then you have to see them I kind of like that christmas is canceled. No, I love it and everyone's so angry at me, but I love it

Starting point is 00:57:59 I did 10 minute socially distance of things with my parents wave in new york drive-by Right Make an underhanded, you know, I went I went I saw my father my stepmother I said, hey, how are you? I said, I got a new house. It's really nice. My stepmother goes Yeah, but you're all alone there. Don't you get lonely? I'm like You got me. All right You won you won you did it we can leave So I don't know but you're you're engaged. You're engaged. Yeah, you're gonna get married

Starting point is 00:58:29 What made you decide this was just the time? Um, I got a great girl, man. I was like, I want to be like, you know cynical about it But I really got a great girl, man. Yeah, so it's just lock it up. Literally. Yeah, she's just a great girl It's just awesome and our kids coming soon She's getting her masters. So like I want her to Do whatever she wants and you know, maybe get a job and then get one of those big fancy jobs What is she into doing? Um, she's gonna try to work in tech. I mean, that's the idea Like every company's tech, you know what I mean? So everything's tech. Yeah, exactly

Starting point is 00:59:02 If it's working for amazon or whatever it is one of these Lesson became on a lot of people that listened were in the creative space like writers Comics musicians I got hit up by musicians aspiring rappers whoever people right? Yeah, and many of them are dead now Because that's the way that's the way this business works It's very sad, but that's the way the business works working out for you. I mean you you got a pool. It's and it's good It's been good. Hey, there's bigger pools Do people do people pronounce it jacuz by you or did they do jacuzzi? Oh interesting. No, we in long island we said

Starting point is 00:59:39 jacuzzi was too close to the jews So we said Yeah, they were like, wait a minute or you said I got the jacuzzi and they said good. Let's start getting them together and try to Fix this place up a bit Uh, but what are what are people doing now that's working? And what are people that are not like if you're a young guy now young gal? Yeah, young non-binary person Yeah, and you want to eliot shout out to eliot page. Yeah, and you want to get all the money all the money marvel all the

Starting point is 01:00:12 Marvel but like the straight money. Well, I'm coming out to I want to come out as trans to prove it that There's a trans person they won't fuck with because I've proven it with gay I've proven it with gay I've proven it with fat and gay now. I'm gonna prove it with trans where I still they're gonna go. No, no, no, no Not him. You know, it's funny. It's like everybody will still be like tim. We don't care. Yeah, we don't just keep ranting We don't care what you do with your private time. Yeah, so what do you what do you think? What do you think tim's in the special by the way? Did you see your picture? I'm excited. I people are sending it I love that. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. What what are people doing? Thank you for sending it over ben start

Starting point is 01:00:51 No, thank you Tim can we get a picture of you in the Yeah, I don't know. I'm just wandering around like mini malls. Yes. I got you. Yeah, three days go by. I go Tim, I have that picture. I'm like, I sent it. Yeah, I'm talking about couches with housewives. It's I'm living in the suburbs Now it's a different world. You got a jacuzzi. Yeah, I have a jacuzzi It's not it's really nice. You can get soft. It's very nice. You can get soft. I think you're getting soft Well, I'm trying a little bit. We had Candace Owens on next day. That's what you're trying to harden up We try to harden up. Yeah, you almost ran over that black kid on the scooter

Starting point is 01:01:26 Every now and then people think I'm getting soft and I gotta I gotta bring somebody in So what are people doing now that you go you're looking at them and going this is interesting This is working or even like in a general sense if somebody's out there and they're going fuck I love what Andrew did. How do I do that? What do they do? I love what you're doing. Well, that's very sweet You know, I've always loved what you're doing. You've always been a big fan and a supporter Because you had it. You got it, man. You got it. Appreciate it. Yeah. So I love what you're doing. Well, here's the thing. I don't know I don't know for what you do. I don't know if it's replicatable Does that make sense? Uh, well like last time I came on here. I was like I love to really destroy their lives to be me

Starting point is 01:02:04 You have to really to really put the time in. Yeah. Yeah Yeah Um, but I think you just I think you'd like you said was it worth it? Yeah No, I don't want to do any of this Um, I I truly don't I don't want to be in the business. They're a bigger pool. But I think what you're doing Isn't replicatable either because nobody else is doing it on the level you're doing it. Nobody's doing it Well, yeah to be honest

Starting point is 01:02:28 There's a lot of people that had the chance to do the funnier version of the daily show Yeah, the funnier version of that and they've not done it How have you been able to how have you been able to do it? And what does that say to other people that might want to do it out there? Uh, first of all, uh And I don't care if this sounds corny. I have a great team of guys that are like absolutely hilarious Right, and they're really good. So mark agnan co-created the show with me and he's the co-creator on the special Right. Uh, robbie slovic is a hilarious. I love robbie. Funny. He writes to the show My guy f a ill guy. He was the guy who never did comedy his life. He's a lawyer in london

Starting point is 01:03:02 Love it. And I was just like dude. Do you want to come and be part of this? And uh, he's got the suit and he's girlfriend and that's where that joke ended up coming from. Wow And uh, but yeah, so these guys are great and then alex media the guy my ben, right? He directed the whole thing, but so these guys are incredible and they're all really smart and um, We come up with these ideas together. So I can't take credit for everything This is leads me to my next question is comedy now a team sport Is this a team sport does it if you want to do it at the level that we're doing it? And when I say we I don't just be me

Starting point is 01:03:35 I mean like you and there other guys that are actually doing it at an elite level where you're affecting culture Yeah, you cannot do it only by yourself because I'm not you're competing with me right and my guys. There's no way You could do that by yourself. Yeah, because I'm not I'm not talking to you. I'm talking the average comic Right. I'm better than you by myself. I can't do it either. Have you seen what I work? I work with him and and dan carney I mean, it's a rough go for me. I mean, it is very hard Very difficult. We had these combos. We would be like we had these combos where you were talking about you and ben And you're like, yeah, I have my guy. We can do this shit. He's amazing. What is that? Yeah, legit without him I'm fucked. I'm not me. Yeah without him. Yeah, literally. Yeah, he's amazing. Yeah

Starting point is 01:04:18 So that's very interesting. So if you're a comic now and you're coming up, obviously, you get it like all these guys They want all the credit for themselves and it's like we're gonna end up getting the credit Yeah, if you let people know about the squad Yeah, is just not gonna I had I had dan dan Funny guy was opening for me and he did really well one night in Salt Lake city Like I got on him the night before I was like me. I said well No, I said to him the night before I'm like, I want you to go take risks on stage And do things you had like go it did not just joke

Starting point is 01:04:43 Just go out there and he wouldn't be murdered and as he was murdering. I said, I gotta destroy him Yes, so then I got up there and I just I call people up on his stage I mean, it was just an out of body experience. You got to make them forget all about him. Yes He doesn't exist and I explained to him afterwards. I said That's what's great about having funny people in your orbit. Yes. Is it's a healthy competition? And you want to you know, you want to push me. Yeah, same thing with mark. I want to get Mark is hilarious. Yeah, he's a very funny guy. I can't be lazy. You know what I'm saying? I cannot be lazy. I gotta fucking go. He opens up for me on the road. Yeah. Yeah, but like

Starting point is 01:05:17 But yeah, so having these guys is like It's we can create things that just people can't create and like that's the thing like we have How do you find those people? This is a question a lot of people are gonna ask I just look for competency. Okay, so like if you're competent, you can learn anything. Okay So if so alex media learned how to edit on premiere eight days before the special came out Wow, right before we had to edit the special, right and he added the special Yeah, and mark as well. But mark knew how to use premiere But like he's so competent that I'm like, yeah, you're gonna figure it out

Starting point is 01:05:49 So I'm only looking for competence and then I and I look for do you have as high Standards for the content as I do because if you do I can relax, right? If you don't everything you put out, I got a double check and I might as well do that myself. Yeah, yeah, you know So like those are the things I'm always yeah, I think it's the same thing. I look for people that want To like win for lack of a better word They want to put out things that people really resonate with yes And they go this is and and then and it's sometimes you gotta you're sometimes they think that like You know, it's hard to

Starting point is 01:06:21 It's not that it's hard, but I feel like it's it's a challenge Not always working alone because we're used to with stand-ups. We're used to like good like we're just we're it's just us And we go out there. We work on our jokes. We go out and do this thing But when you have other people you have a team of people there's a give and take push and pull There's it's a different challenge And and you can make something greater. You can make something greater what human beings have done, right? Yeah, it's like we sacrifice a little bit of ourselves for the greater good Right how you make the pyramids. Do you ever get in disagreements where you go like I'm going to

Starting point is 01:06:53 I'm going to let mark win this one because I trust him best idea wins Yeah, best idea wins. No, I like I have no ego no ego best idea. I look like I have a lot of ego Yeah, when it comes to the content the best idea wins and everybody knows it That's the thing about you a lot of people look at you and go you have a lot of ego And that's just only because of what you say and do yes a hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah the way you present yourself That's the only reason people would ever think that but But actually here's what's smart about you

Starting point is 01:07:21 You're humble I'm dying 13 foot christmas tree, but that's how tall trees get trees. I mean this is come on. This is nature It's a horror. My life is a heart. No, I'm very less. I'm lucky. I've done well horror. I'm It's a horror. It's a horror. I'm lucky and things have been good, but it's also is a long stretch of not good so But it's um idea wins you the thing about you is you surround yourself with very smart people You take advice 100 you ask people like that and that's what makes people very successful

Starting point is 01:07:57 Yeah, is this the funniest thing Is this a this is my pitch for the joke. Yeah, and then I got to make everybody in the room That i'm paying feel comfortable enough to tell me It's not funny right right right and then so that is the initial period that everybody gets there Yeah, obviously, no, we're not like trashing ideas of jokes. We're always like, how can we build that like Somebody will come up with like, all right. Well, what can we do that's kind of connecting tom hanks and this way right? And then oh, what if we did that and right okay? I think the woody joke came around like that, you know, so it's just okay tom hanks

Starting point is 01:08:30 They're calling him a pedophile. It's so dense with jokes Like it has a lot of jokes. So that's yeah, and I haven't said this on any pot. I'll save it here for here, but like The first time I think I was going okay How can I do comedy in a way where I can compete with these big fucking streaming thing? But like I can get it to the people so I'm like, okay I can utilize the internet and like if you don't trust me, maybe I'll give you smaller versions etc So we figured that out how the average comic that's funny can put their stuff up and start to like put together a career right and like we got that

Starting point is 01:09:01 This time the thing that I've always thought about comedy that was so shitty is the shelf life It's like a magic trick that you tell how you do the trick afterwards So if you tell the same if you tell the joke, we're not talking about impressionists, right? We're just talking about like punch lines, whatever if I tell you that joke once the next time I tell it to you You're like, yeah, we got least funny thing right like it's not funny at all You've loaded it with so many jokes people can watch it again and again and pull new things out of it Every time so that's what I was like. How do I increase the shelf life and we load it with so many jokes and the pictures

Starting point is 01:09:32 Punch the jokes, right? So now I'm not doing what these fucking idiots on late night do I can't believe that they thought that this was okay to tell jokes and wait for a punch line when nobody's there Right way for the laugh. You know the kitchen table. It's it's absurd. Yeah, it makes you feel so uncomfortable at home It's very strange That shows you how detached they are to like actually like connecting I think this quarantine one of the things it's done is it's taking them out of the theaters and taking them out of Makeup and taking the writers and you're you're kind of like well I'm sure the writers are still there, but like you see them unmasked for lack of a better word and you go

Starting point is 01:10:04 Oh my god, you suck. You suck. You suck. You're not good. Yeah. I should be famous like people on the couch go I can be Ellen. I can be not funny too. Right. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's what it is like. Let's make it so joke dense We're not gonna we're not gonna sit and like bask in our laughs We're literally just gonna the second a joke is finished another one comes right and then The images are gonna punch the jokes so you know exactly there's we Measure those images like when we say it when I say a line the image is coming out on a specific line Right, it takes hours to line those images up and then what we do is we hide all these things in the images So when you watch the special and you look at me

Starting point is 01:10:41 And you kind of look at images you see one thing if you watch the special and only look at the images It's a different special. Wow. So you have you have like also sensory differences two different specials Yeah happening they're happening at the same time Yeah, so then people start listening to it and it has this almost like rap effect where you're like Oh, I didn't notice Jay-Z said that line right or some people are going back and forth on twitter with you and it's like interactive Without being hokey. Exactly. It's a people. Yeah, no hokey. Look, but let's do we have like these little lines in there like I I want to do something where we can sit down and like go over Like we have this one little line. It's we're talking about the Amy Cooper. Yeah, and uh

Starting point is 01:11:17 Uh, instead of saying that you probably haven't heard about her up until now Yeah, we say you probably haven't heard about her Emmett Till now. Yeah. Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, right and then it's quick It's quick and then the next line is so I'll jog your memory and the picture is a mod arbery. Yeah And it's like flesh and it's like these things are going so fast It's very racially triggering in very different ways like it's that is what you just described So it's like the people that have us upset about Asian jokes That's a nightmare for like a freshman at Columbia University What you just described is like Emmett Till arbery. You're like, oh my god

Starting point is 01:11:50 They're like short circuiting. They're falling on a dorm room floor. Yeah, but if you gotta say about Asian jokes It's like what do you just not care about any other group of people? They don't everybody got made fun of. Yeah, everybody got Like I said look like a fucking banker from gringots right the hair like I'm crashing me. Yeah, everybody's everybody gets it So it's like don't put yourself on a pedestal. What is what do you want to do? When quarantine ends and when you can go back out are you like let's go all over the world I still got the stand-up special. Yeah, I want to put out you want to put out So I want to film it didn't film it. We got shut down by that. So I want to do that and then um I want to get back to doing these but just like shorter

Starting point is 01:12:25 We'll do them, you know on youtube and instagram and then I want to go like I want to go I I realized like I want to go and I I leaned to my agency. I want to see the world a little bit Yeah, yeah, and when this whole thing happened. Yeah, I'm like, you know, I've been a Cleveland four times I've been a Cleveland four endless love hilarities love everyone there. I got the engraved bat. Thank you I want to go to Amsterdam all of that. Yeah, I want to see Europe and the UK and Brussels and Ireland and like I want to do comedy everywhere that I can and when everything was shutting down. I was like fuck I really missed my chance. I wanted to be in Australia and obviously the world's gonna open up again But you you kind of gained so much equity this time. I gained a lot now when you go over there

Starting point is 01:13:04 It's worth it. Tickets will sell exactly. It'll be worth it before when you would go over there It would be like, oh, I got a few friends in Brussels. I've done that tour in Europe Like some people know you right and then I did a tour in Europe where a lot of people knew me It's different and the second one is so much better. Yeah, so much better. Yeah, and then that's what you'll have now Yeah, it's fucking sick. You just travel Europe. You're just eating this delicious food. Yeah, that's great. Everything's fun. It's just fun Yeah, that's that's what I'm I'm hoping for. I've been eating good by the way. Yeah, you've been noticing. I've been eating good I see what your girl cooks. No fuck more my girl cooks even though she's nice the restaurants that she picks up Yeah, she does great restaurants. She's like you. She's like great. She's smart. She gets it. We should all have a little

Starting point is 01:13:43 Let's do it. We'll go out. Yeah, absolutely. We'll go out the Bernadine baby. I love it I was the first time I went there. My dad took me in our seven. Okay. Yeah, my dad's seven Seven seven years old seven years old seven the crane. Okay, so seventh grade. I went because I wanted to go I was but explain what it what it is. It's the best. It's the it's really the best Probably seafood restaurant in the world It's bad. Yeah, I would say so. Okay. It's the top two to three restaurants in New York City top five to ten in America, you know, conservatively speaking

Starting point is 01:14:15 A Just palace You know of of seafood and the way they prepare the food and everything's executed incredibly well and and uh Eric Repair and the McGillicose RIP who died The the vision of that restaurant was to make this glittering seafood palace in New York City That would rival the the greatest restaurants of of paris and and and it did you know Successfully. Yeah, truly amazing and I went there at seventh grade and and this is my big date to celebrate

Starting point is 01:14:45 Yeah, no, and it went there when I was popping pimples off my back. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was it was it was amazing It was amazing and then I just realized show up Schultz. Yeah, I realized it like, you know after that you look at You look at other things and you go It's great to listen. Here's the thing. It's great to drive in a Rolls Royce. Yeah, you don't have to own one But it's great to drive in a Rolls Royce test it. Just know and you know why know why it's Rolls Royce That's the reality No, why it's a Rolls Royce and that's and on my friends Jeffrey and just slain would say these things too

Starting point is 01:15:19 You have to drive Rolls Royce and I don't know what they were talking about, but they said you have to drive It's very odd, but I kept bringing that up Rolls Royce. I know But no, but le Bernardin is that restaurant where you go to then you know what everything else is you go? Oh, I get I get it and it just it it it puts things in an order. Yeah, and it orders things for you In a way, it's like a great athlete or even a comic like you see patrice o'neill But you're just like, oh that is the best you watch elephant the room and you get it Okay, now I can put everything together and I can organize these things in my head because I've seen this really amazing thing That is so rare. Yeah. Yeah, and and will never happen again in the configuration. It is right. They'll never be another patrice

Starting point is 01:15:58 They'll never be another le Bernardin. They'll be great restaurants Right, right, but that set of circumstances that made that restaurant what it was the location the this and that it's all there And that's what I I love about going out to eat in really nice places is that you know that eventually I went to Luger's the other day and I went it's over. Bro. It's over. It's over there It's over for my birthday with my folks. Yes, it's over. They're broken. They're broken by that new york times No one's there. It's like, but you know what it is It's okay because it would be weirder if it wasn't over because it would open in 1863 It's like it's supposed to stop. It's supposed to stop. It's too long. There's too much

Starting point is 01:16:40 There's got to be a new era of restaurants Of of of restaurant tours of chefs of people that keep reinventing and reimagining things to make them better Yeah, it's a comedy. It's like news like media. It's like everything there. You have to shed the skin You said something very interesting once I want to talk to you about this about youtube Okay, you said comics are some of the funniest people in the world, but they don't utilize social media effectively and they don't And then you look at a lot of youtubers not friends of youtubers out here in california and they're nice people But their content is fundamentally different from comics, right? Yeah, fundamentally different. It's more like hey This is my day in the life

Starting point is 01:17:11 Whatever it is some of them are funny, but their job is not to be funny the jobs would be relatable or to be accessible Whatever it is, right aspirational aspirational a lot of them. The life is aspirational Oh, I'll be cool to drive in that car. I'll be cool to go to these places. Yeah. How does a comic? Yeah Whose job is to be very funny. Yeah Kind of get into this world of youtube where it's like We can't do those things or we we would have to be funny. We have to be funny. Yeah, we are fun We can be funny because it's it is an interesting divide, right? Because you do look at some of the stuff on there and you go

Starting point is 01:17:45 This is some of this content's interesting some of it's you know, I don't even know what it is Some of it truly I I don't know what it is. I'm not watching muck banks. Somebody's just brushing your teeth for three hours It's got 10 million views. I think society's in trouble. Um, but What is it about comedians that they and those environments don't catch on I think that two things happen one We get a false sense of validation from being on stage. That's true That's I don't have to stage so they need The views that's there Right right they can't go up in front of 30 people at the village lantern and do decently and be like I'm funny today

Starting point is 01:18:21 I did it. I did it. I did it They need to put out the video and then by putting out the video if it's good So many more people see it like think about how many more people listen to this podcast and see you at a comedy club in texas It's he can't even fathom but you could get hundreds of thousands of views that you're getting right now in this But when we go sell out a theater we think we made it right like how crazy are we when we're thinking there's so much Well, half a million people see something listen to something we do 2000 people come to a theater what we what we do in the in that space is um is is unique right because It's it's kind of what the same reason that the restaurants are great or the one I it's it's it's it's an audience

Starting point is 01:18:58 Yes, and you you appreciate all that. Yes, it's this 100 of course not to do also I want to say something you do but you're right long term you got to reach more people than who's ever They come out to have that true unique experience. That's what we're doing But I totally understand the connection between chef In comic now. Yes. Yeah, it is the closest that I've seen yes in the creative field I believe I agree with you in comic people. Oh, it's like boxing. I used to box. It's nothing like boxing, right? But chef, right? Yes. Yes, and I've watched those shows that everybody's watching Netflix, whatever But even going through like the experience

Starting point is 01:19:32 They go through almost like the borderline psychosis Yes, like trying to take things that are like mundane and make them interesting Like yes, literally what we do right and then having to sit there and watch people consume And they have to curate an experience For a diner for for the whole thing from when they walk into that restaurant to when they leave Yeah, yeah every course of food the service what it looks like. Yeah, they have to curate that experience That's that to me. I've always seen that overlap, but to me. I'm almost like Like I want my show to be that way at the theater of the club

Starting point is 01:20:02 Like I wanted to start when you walk in the door, right not when I go on stage and say hello When you walk in the door, there should be something there should be a music There should be something visual the show begins when you walk in it sets a tone Yeah, right like if we go to l'Bernardin or whatever you walk in the fucking Somalia is walking around with the Pimp Cup chains, right? Yeah, and you're just like what the fuck is going on. I I didn't know anything like that I don't know anything about these places my girl knows a shit. I asked the fucking lady I was like what are you like what's up with the chain? Yeah, and uh, I thought that she was like The head waitress, right, you know, I thought like

Starting point is 01:20:40 And it's a test of in or whatever I think is the term A taste of wine. Yes. Yes something like that. Yes. Yes, and I guess it's it's an ancient thing To have a little whatever, but it's like what what are we doing when we get back in a stand-up? Like yeah, what are we doing for our shows like Is gonna be enough Uh, you know when you know because everyone's used to seeing us do all these other things You're on Netflix or the podcast Are we gonna have to beef up our live shows to make them? It's totally different. Yeah, I want it to be a carnival me too

Starting point is 01:21:10 Like I I I agree with you. I and yeah, you would actually fit this perfect Yeah, because it's like I want to have the hour that we put that that we put out we put together And I don't care if it's done in a tiny little comedy club or a big theater whatever it is And that was but when I go tour tour. Yeah, and we're doing fucking theaters and arenas. Yeah I want this to be a carnival right. I want there to be stand-up. I want us all to be fucking singing Yeah, I want I want it to be a wild experience. Yes. Yeah Because the reality is is like one of the reasons why I've been so successful on the road is because I create these unique experiences Through interacting with the crowd, right? Yeah, so like when you come there, you know, that's never gonna happen again

Starting point is 01:21:45 Yeah, so you're like, I can't miss that. That's what I try to do and then you brought the people up on the stage It's all like that's what I'm trying everybody there is telling their friends. I don't know what was happening I want people to come to the show and experience an act of domestic terrorism You know, I want the fbi To look at what constitutes a terrorist group and say does this does this fit that? But I I think it's not enough anymore to just do Stand up. I think it is enough, but I think going forward like People are gonna want all kinds of different shit

Starting point is 01:22:17 I think because it's that element of uncertainty. Yes because they walk in they know you're gonna do funny stuff It's gonna be funny, but I think that crowd interaction or crowd work or riffing or any of that And then you add other people into it. You add other things. That's what people may want Because people that are gonna go out they go. I want a fucking concert. I want to fucking really insane night I want some to tell people about yeah, I want to have that experience. It's like the fucking restaurant You could go have the dover soul Yeah, or you could have dover soul and then cut it with a fish knife, right? I don't know what a fish knife is It's not sharp. Yeah, right, but I got this specific knife and I go yeah

Starting point is 01:22:56 Because it's so soft that you don't need to saw through it. Yeah, it's a little trick And now I'm telling you about it. Let me ask you a controversial question Should comics be doing like 10 specials or is it time to hang it up? Is it time? What's going on? I don't want to do a special unless I have to talk about something. Right, right Do you know what I'm saying? Like yeah, I mean there's so many comics have been around forever since we're two Yeah, is it time for any of them to leave and this is one of my this is one of the things I say Do I want the tim?

Starting point is 01:23:24 Do I want to do the tim dillon show answer or do I is it the real answer? It's the real answer. The real answer is keep on doing so the wheels fall off if it makes you happy the tim dillon show Answer is a lot of guys gotta go You gotta go a lot of guys gotta go. I love you, but you gotta go You gotta go and I respect you and you've done it But what are we still doing at a certain point, right? At a certain point gotta go you've done it like how much can you do it like it's you know What do you see? Yeah, I mean I get it if it makes you do it ever makes you happy

Starting point is 01:24:00 What if we do it do it makes me happy and what makes me happy is you not doing this anymore Do they have to go yes or yes? Yeah, they gotta go. I love yes. I think it. Yeah. Yes or yes was We should do a yearly purge of them. Yeah, we just sit down has to happen And we just instead of like the top is gonna have a comedy clubs in this in in this comedy comedy clubs are good because I think that's I think comedy clubs are gonna be good. I think I think it can hang on because it's just a hard Yeah, I think a lot of them will hang. I don't know for whatever reason I think a lot of them will but I think they're good And I think that will be one of the first experiences that people go back out in public to do Yeah, I agree. It's kind of safe. You're not making out with strangers in a dance floor

Starting point is 01:24:39 Right, you're you are already somewhat distance that you're with your friends You're laughing and you're kind of like somebody's regaling the times and you want to relate to I think I think they'll thrive Yeah, um 100% the comedy club is where we'll be working on our bits and then have these kind of intimate experiences But when it comes to creating a show, yeah The reality is if I'm doing the garden, yeah, and I'm making fun of someone in the front row Nobody else in the garden can see that person in the front row. So I have to change my show to accommodate

Starting point is 01:25:10 That venue the venue right experience you can't even doing the the monologue what we're doing is like I have to constantly change what I'm doing like early in my career. I'll just do a material I put out two specials of material, right? Okay. I got really good at that and I'm not trying to pat myself in the back But I was really good at it. Right. What am I not really good at? How can I better? Let's get better. Yeah, okay I see these guys doing monologues all the time. Never once have I thought they're funny, right? And I'm just like, how has nobody tried to do this funny yet, right? They suck, right? Okay, maybe I could I'm terrified of looking like an idiot, right terrified. Good. I should go do that thing I'm terrified of

Starting point is 01:25:46 We start doing it and then why don't people do more shit that scares them Why do you think? I don't know. I mean, I I I would say that you it's painful. Yeah, but you will do it Why will you do it? I mean, I'm a little crazy. You're a little crazy But you also don't have shame. I want I don't have shame. Yeah, I don't have any shame. I'll fail. I'll fail I'll fail. Why will you fail? I'll put a putty on. Yeah, I'll fail Why would I fail? I have that putty that big putty No, it's it's just this hoodie that I that everyone makes fun of me for

Starting point is 01:26:21 Because I did a sketch with it on but when I put this hoodie on I become a different person people don't understand I don't I don't give a shit about politics anymore when I put this hoodie on I don't care About fucking. Oh, do you read a book? What book you read? You want to fucking? Yo, what do you think's gonna happen? No, no, no when I put this hoodie on I realize That I am beautiful you are gorgeous and that because the black man came up to me He said you look fresh as fuck when I had this on And no one had ever been complimentary to me like that before and I've discovered that I can be a new person With just a one garment of clothing and I can maybe start smoking weed again and doing pills and drinking that cough syrup

Starting point is 01:26:59 Wait, whoa, whoa That person doesn't have a drug problem the person in this is responsible He can no, but I you know, Mike Lawrence said some really good ones somebody said I'm afraid to do this show And Mike Lawrence goes are you too good to fail? I've never felt like I was too good to fail I think that's part of why I do shit. I don't feel like I'm too good to fail I don't feel like I'm too if I put out a shit video and it gets a few thousand views. That's okay A lot of comics don't want to start Pursuing shit online because they're like, what am I gonna have to build this fucking social media network?

Starting point is 01:27:34 Yeah, you do in the beginning. Yeah, you do you have to do it and keep doing it And it is what it is in the beginning. We I had no followers. I had nothing, you know, but I don't feel like too good to I feel like I got as long as I'm playing I'm okay. If I'm on the field, I'm okay. If I'm on the bench Pointing people on the field going fuck them loser That's where I get depressed. Yeah, I gotta play Yeah, and if that's the way that I I feel good about myself decent about myself not tremendous There's a guy I grew up with Siddiqui Thomas, right? Yes, Jamaican dude. Yeah hilarious

Starting point is 01:28:09 He would hit on every girl, right? He would he would his rate of like closing was probably like two out of 10 or three out of 10, right, which was good Okay, it's good. Yeah, I didn't think he was a loser when he failed I thought he was the bravest motherfucker I ever seen because when I was young I was terrified Of not only getting rejected, but my friends seeing me get rejected right and then then I thought in my mind I was like, I'm gonna lose some sort of social currency to my friends. They think I'm cool Bravesting anyone can do right now literally to me. Yeah is talk to a woman To sit down and speak to a woman and listen to them and take their opinion seriously is to me

Starting point is 01:28:50 Braver than jumping out of a plane without a parachute In my life like for me to have to do that Is huge so that's a big no no upside for you Very little upside very little. Well, when he comes he gave us that table in the back, which we paid her for She keeps acting like it's charity. I'm like they really just gave you money It's thousands enough. Yeah, but I love her. I love winning because Whitney is a power You know, she's a real fucking she's a great comic and she great comic great unstoppable force unstoppable force That's what she'll get it done. She's not afraid as well. She thinks she's afraid

Starting point is 01:29:27 Right, but that is what pushes her. Does that make sense? How do you when you see people that? Do you believe that hard work is genetic George Carlson said maybe it is genetic and there's something very interesting about that Yeah, I know people who I look at or uh, what is it? Um Nature versus nurture. I think it's it's nurture But I think you have to see hard work at a very young age to get it and then that's I saw my mom getting up every day Coaching a swim team getting up at 5 a.m. Doing everything. Uh, I I get it. I also saw my dad who I love like I you know, it was a really great musician, but never took it to the level he could have Yeah, I saw I saw I had both of those experiences, right?

Starting point is 01:30:04 Are you afraid of repeating what your dad? Oh, yeah, I was afraid of having a studio in my house in the suburbs Yeah, uh, wait like my dad. Oh no my dad Had a studio where he would just sit in a room in his house in the suburbs, but no one cared. He was just playing his guitar Okay, that's way different. I have one father. Yeah, and um He but no I was afraid of and my dad was a really talented guy And I was talented because I knew that because other people would tell me he wouldn't Like other people would say your dad had this massive band on Long Island in the 70s was really big Did you know about that? I'm like kind of

Starting point is 01:30:39 And my dad didn't really keep a lot of that stuff around right? There was no like photos of it So I was like, oh, okay Catholic thing like uh No, just didn't I think he didn't want to remind himself that he was on this track that never panned out Yeah, that's just hard. Yeah, it's tough, right and I get it. He had a kid Either way, you got it. You know got a sales job or whatever But I when I got into this I was 25 years old and I'm like This is the last thing that I have the shot to be good at

Starting point is 01:31:04 There's not a lot of things you can do at 25, right? I mean there's some certainly But a lot this is the other thing about life that people don't really want to talk about which is like You know at a certain point you got it. You got to make uh, uh a decision and stick with it You don't how you can't reinvent yourself every three years. What point you think? I don't know I don't know. You think it's 25? No, I don't think it's an age. I don't think it's a specific age I think that it's a it's a it's a moment and I don't think I don't think you can Uh reinvent Everything you want like I know people that have wanted to be 10 things. Yeah, and I'm like, well, this is a problem

Starting point is 01:31:41 Yeah, every three years you want to be another thing and you know what I notice about those people the each one of those things has one thing in common right and they're just Lily padding to the next thing because that one isn't working and it's usually validation. I look at yes It's like I want people to like me. Okay. I'm gonna do I'm gonna be an actress doesn't work I'm gonna be a Pilates coach that's on youtube. Uh, it's not really people that are really funny and I say to myself I look at people that are really funny and haven't made a Haven't made much of their

Starting point is 01:32:15 Careers and I and I and I and I think a lot of that is because they They don't get bored easily. I get very bored. Who is that? I look at comics that are very funny that haven't built a fan base. That's a lot of people, right? Is it? No, that's a thing like there's really there's guys. I don't want to be insulting But there's there are guys that we know this should be bigger I can and I should be bigger is yes, and I think it's but do they have drug issues usually people that No, yeah, I don't I don't know if they do There's different levels of funny right like like if we're just being honest

Starting point is 01:32:48 Let's be honest There is a lot of young comics you're gonna listen to this They should and they should fucking pay extra close attention because they're not the elite level of funny yet Yes, and you and I were by young comics. I mean bill burr. No, I'm kidding. I just I'm just I'm kidding But uh like you and I were both at the at the point where we're not funny Right and then we start to get to the point where we're funny, right? But we're not elite funny yet

Starting point is 01:33:14 Yes, and then we get to the point where you want to get to elite funny, right and people at elite funny It's so hard to get to now it's hard to get to but they are making a living Even if they're fucking drug addicts, they're making a living Yeah, if they're drug addicts, they're not as famous as they should be but they're still living they're living That's how yeah, few people are elite, right? That's a great point. There's so this this is such a small group of people. It gets whittled down. It constantly gets whittled down There's a handful of us. There's really a handful of us Like when you think about so it's like there's a lot of people in the middle and they're like, wow

Starting point is 01:33:47 I have a career. It's like, well, that's not how it works. Yeah, this shit is too fun for everybody to do it Yeah, so if you want to have the career career, you have to be elite, right? You don't you think there's a value in the fact that people like you and I think people like me get bored Which is easily we get bored and we go I want to do cool shit and new shit I can tell you exactly why I love stand-up. Yeah, because it is The basketball hoop Changing height every single time you go on the court, right? So you practice your free throws on a ten-foot, right? Are you like I got that down, right? And then you go up

Starting point is 01:34:22 At hilarities and cleaver a way that we can use a white sport. Yes. Just for my yes Is the ten the tennis I got it ready. Okay. Okay ready. Yes. Here we go. I'm ready tennis Yes, every time you go on to the court, you have a different size racket. Wow. Yes. Now you're with me Yes, so now you're like I perfected it with that one racket But I'm at hilarities and it's this tiny little racket and now when I try to serve it doesn't do the whole So I gotta figure out I gotta figure out how to be so good at this no matter what size racket I have Yeah It's I'm gonna be successful and that's gonna take you fucking decades

Starting point is 01:34:56 So people like you and I that can get bored of shit that we can get good at quickly, right? We're gonna go Okay, okay, I move. I know some of these young guys who say things like I just want a good quality of life Kill yourself, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love it. Yes. Why would you tell me that? Why would you tell me that? I want to conquer the world All right, right, but it's true. No if you're using those words and you're in your 20s You're you're in trouble. I mean like you're in fucking trouble. I tell people you will go no further than your dream Right with this business right right no further

Starting point is 01:35:29 So if you just want to make a living that is if you're lucky, right you'll get there if you're lucky, right? If you say I want to sell out arenas you might get to theaters. Yeah, and that's pretty fucking sick. That's pretty cool Right. Yeah, but you gotta go like dreams cost nothing. Yeah, we'll just fucking dream. Yeah I want to make a living to me. You quit already right you quit. I said that I wanted to get killed by the cia But I may settle for I may settle for half a million youtube subscribers. Hey, yo um When trump is gone, yeah when he leaves does he leave or is he still like obviously he'll leave But like is he still gonna be a force does he just go play it off? What do you think he does?

Starting point is 01:36:08 Does he keep doing the rallies? I'm curious. It's hard. He's he's the biggest star. He is so talented What is that called? That's not stand-up, but what I don't know what it is It doesn't have a name, but is it like are you emceeing like what is that skill that he's off the top? He's riffing. He's he's in the moment. He's with his people He's just leading that cult like does he keep doing that does he if it's that easy? How could you not imagine stand-up? I know was that easy was that easy like He's literally doing what every stand-up wishes stand-up was yes. I'll go up there. Just be me I'll be I just talk you guys go crazy. Yeah, I don't have to think of these like brilliant clever like big switches and

Starting point is 01:36:50 Premises that are genius. Yeah, literally just say what are the words you guys wanted me to say right locker up Yeah, it goes crazy. So it's like how could you not do that? Right the question is His age Don't you think his age plays a little yeah, it's high. He's up there if he's 64 This guy's gonna be a nuisance. Yeah, but he's in his 70s late set. Yeah, it's getting there Do you want to do that? Do you want to be on Adderall at a certain point? You have to you have to you have to Close it up. Yeah, I just for like Life value like right. Do you really want to like go through route tweet all fucking day? I think that he says right now

Starting point is 01:37:27 He's that much the maniac which all them are that he's really think he's gonna run again. Right Then he's got to stay in I think he's just front and like he's gonna do it Because he wants to have enough political leverage to get shit. He wants. Yeah, probably right, right? Yeah, I don't think he's gonna he wants to run again. I know somebody talks to him. He does think he's running again He's not that's he's not running again. But now do you think they're gonna lock him up? No I I agree. They won't they don't want to tear the country apart. Just go Not even tear the country apart. It looks bad. You can't lock up president. You can't lock him on It's a bad look for everyone in the world. Yeah, just let it go. Exactly. Let it go. Everything's cool

Starting point is 01:38:03 It's like always a crook. It's like that's why people like him. Yeah, you've identified why people like him You identify why he has a fan base. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like. Yeah, it's not a crook. Right. It's true Who's not a crook? But that's the thing like if we were crooks, we wouldn't be in entertainment. No, we'd be in politics Yeah, it's true. Like if you actually care about the world at all I'm not saying why you're fucking changing the world. Like I'm not like doing this like, you know, narcissistic approach to content, right? But like I think that we have way more sway on the average person's thinking than a politician

Starting point is 01:38:38 Like what the fuck did they ever do? They just they do nothing. Nothing The last time you're on roguin or not the last time but a few times ago you said naflex is going out of business Yes, and now you have a show on naflex. Yeah, do you have any more predictions? I'm a politician, baby Do you have any more predictions that might come true? Like do you want to do you want to say that amazon prime's going out of business In two years from now you're Like you have a huge deal. You know more than most people. Yeah What is it fake business is your shirt, right? Fake business. I didn't understand. Yeah modern capitalism, right? Right. I I was approaching naflex, right? Like most businesses where in order to stay around you have to produce a profit

Starting point is 01:39:20 No, it's fake. I didn't realize this. We're in the era of fake business. So yeah, when I say that I'm not just going out there like I joke around on the podcast The 48 laws of power you gotta stir up water to catch fish. Oh, this is all part of my my grand plan No, it wasn't I literally was going okay if they haven't declared themselves that they're you know profiting off their business And they're about to lose the most watch shows Then it's a problem. How the fuck are you gonna stay in business? Yeah, but right and then I found out. Oh It's a stock scam. It's a stock as long as the stock price is high. Yeah You don't it's the same thing with amazon. They don't even make any money serious xm spotify a lot of these major

Starting point is 01:40:00 Media operations are stock scams when I find out that it's fake business. It's just didn't you do it some money, baby? It's not a big deal. Yeah, it's not a big deal That's just what it that's just what it comes down to all seriousness I was like when I found it that that's how these things work and that's how uber works and that's how a lot of these like tech Based companies work. I I was like, oh, I have to start thinking about okay. This is this is very different like When it goes public Public is just a way that the initial investors get to cast cash out. It's quite quite fascinating how it works Oh, yeah, like going the whole idea of the stock market was raising money

Starting point is 01:40:35 Right, right now the fund raising happens first. Right. That's the sorry. That's the initial Stock market if you will. Yes, then they cash out on the fucking dummies that go buy it on the stock market And then whatever happens to the company then they'll give a flying fuck. It's the era of uh, it's smoking mirrors You know, yeah, so once I realized that I was like, okay, this is the game There are so many people that value Uh a streaming platform More than they value youtube and social media, right? You and I are entrenched in youtube and social media, right? Yeah, so

Starting point is 01:41:10 We value content. I don't care what screen it's on right I realized how valuable a name brand is to some people When I announced the netflix thing and I had family members message me and they were like, uh, congratulations on netflix and your engagement and I was like You didn't to those two things in the same sense. It's like, you knew I was engaged for a month. Wow. Yeah But that wasn't big enough and the engagement. Yeah, then netflix happened. They were like, okay I think I should do a little double. Congratulations. Netflix has become a part of our vocabulary It's become a part of everything netflix and chill all that

Starting point is 01:41:47 Yeah, so for me, I just want to I want to create stuff for the most people the people have always been my salvation So it's like, right I want to be in front of the most people possible And if there's more people over there that I haven't touched it and I think that could really Be interested in the content we're making I want to yeah, I want to do that. Of course and honestly I I got to give credit where it's due these motherfuckers were cool with the content I thought it was gonna be a cool. Yeah, I thought it was gonna be fun. They just let me put out whatever Yeah, like

Starting point is 01:42:16 They were and I'm not saying my experience is going to be the average comics experience Like I came in with a lot of equity and it wasn't something I'd really like needed per se But they were super supportive They we went over budget They stepped in Yeah, like I feel like when execs do the right thing You got to say complimentary shit like the exec to let Ricky Gervais do that golden globes speech

Starting point is 01:42:40 It's like I don't know who that is, but we got to congratulate him because he's that person This shit is on the line too. And also netflix let kevin spacey direct the whole thing which is Kevin spacey directed the whole thing your whole show. It is unbelievable Amazing and and he is let me tell you something about kevin and his lap the guy will sit you down Yeah, and and and he'll start just petting you dude and like you you'll feel insecure and he'll just pet you back Into having that self-esteem you need to save america. You know what I mean? Maybe mark Shout to kevin dude for real. Yeah, kevin's great. I'll tell you this it is it's crazy to watch how much you've done In the span of time you've done it because it's not I mean you've been doing comedy a long time

Starting point is 01:43:18 But you've you've been able to do a lot of really cool things in in in a span of years And it's like you're it's not rushing but like you are you're running at a pace Of somebody who wants to really have a lot of things More so than just a comic, right? Do you ever see yourself down the road with a platform with a network with a Uh, whatever it is because you're running at the pace of somebody that wants more than and it's a it's a compliment It's you seem to want more than just I'm a great comedian Do you you you like helping people you like provide, you know, is there a version of Andrew Schultz down the road?

Starting point is 01:43:58 That has something that's bigger than just his own career that has kind of a movement of culture or whatever I bigger than career sure, but not necessarily like a platform like I I I'm gonna do a film one of these days. Yeah, I really want to create that and I want it to be like I want to kind of create this like rat pack vibe. You know what I mean? Like I think that's what podcasts aren't a lot of ways Yeah, we watched those movies like the oceans 11's movies. Yeah, absolutely. We're just watching characters hang out That's a podcast. That's exactly what it is. And like this is a pocket

Starting point is 01:44:28 Like absolutely like we're just hanging right? Yeah And like if we can for me what I would love to do is create that environment and then insert All of us into that environment as a film and then do that every couple years Like I think what I'll eventually do in my career is do less projects But just kind of bigger projects. Okay, and then like everybody in that world I want them to be, you know, millionaires and success again It really is like it's what it used to be every man for himself. It feels a lot less like that now That's the worst model the model is a team model people helping each other out not relying as much on

Starting point is 01:45:03 People in the industry although when you can collaborate and work with people that support you that's great build up enough equity So that you're doing the show you want to do with them, right? And you need to build the equity up because why would they take a risk? Why would they go out there and take a risk? On you if you haven't proved it works, right? Do you know what I mean? Like chappelle, you know God bless his soul. He's whining about the deal that he got from commie central. It's like the guy didn't have a hit Before that show, right? Why would you get it's also? Why would you pull? Why would you pull a deal? Why would you pull a show off platforms where like people that just

Starting point is 01:45:39 Poor people want to watch your show. They love your show. Yeah, the whole thing is kaka made me Yeah, but but it's like I mean as a creator I support him getting all the rights in whatever way he wants to do get it The way he's going about it is this corner to me because like I gotta feel bad that you were bullied like we have them You're getting my Dave ship. I love it. Come on. Come on out. Um But it's like Yeah, so it's just like I don't know. I want to I want to create that shit I want us to just I just want us to run things and I want to create really cool projects

Starting point is 01:46:06 And I want to have enough equity to like do the commie that we want to do that the majority of people like and it's not You know infiltrated by fucking The bloggers or whatever like that like I don't want right, you know, I don't want to deal with that No one can I mean no one cares. No one cares. Yeah, I don't care. I'd be upset if there weren't Yeah, you got yeah, if you're not talking about me. I'm irrelevant Yeah, I need you to say bad things so that people watch it. Yeah. Yeah Imagine watching the thing that people go. It is a it is just so much fun or you know, it is the worst the worst I think the worst uh thing you can say about anything is what was that again?

Starting point is 01:46:39 Right, you know what I mean? Nobody knows what it is When does new york find a couple of questions here about new york because you're such a new york god Do you ever leave new york and when do you think it comes back? I think And I'm you know me. I'm very bullish on new york, right, but like I was too and then I left I know and you have this like insane life here and don't get me wrong. I come to your home. Yeah, and I I go, this is nice. Yeah, you know, like my girl is telling you lives up in santa barba Yeah, we're not sure that her family's from santa barba and I've seen like the way that they live and it's just like Dude, I'd love to wake up and have a view of the water and all these things like right

Starting point is 01:47:14 I mean, this is fucking life. Yeah, um And when comedy clubs and shit are shut down you start going like I could do that, right? Right, so I'm I'm not against that but I I am in new york my studio is in new york my guys are in new york And it's like I don't at this point I'm not ready to have the conversation where I forced them to make a decision where they were no, of course And you know when I came to la I was really worried about I I just figure for whatever reason

Starting point is 01:47:42 I've adjusted here and I don't think la's up the spot really anymore and like it might be I hope it is I'm here for another year. We'll see. Yeah, I don't know where the spot's gonna be It's where the talent is it's where the talent is if we want to move to tal hassey. That's right. I really agree I agree with you. So it's just like yeah, we're the gravity Yeah, and we're gonna make cool shit. Yeah, and like who knows what happens to stand up Who know I think what you're doing right now is just like that's what I'm telling my girl I'm like, yo, let's rent a place. Yeah, literally what you've done. You're like What like two months ahead of me

Starting point is 01:48:12 Like yeah, it's an insane place not even two months or a month ahead of me like rent an insane place. Yeah, it's it's expensive But you should aspire to have a place like this. Yeah. Yeah Create you're there for a year. We don't know what the world looks like in a year If everything snaps back, you're like, oh, I'm in LA. Maybe not my great place. Yeah, if it doesn't You're like, okay Maybe I moved to some place that has the perfect environment that I want to create that's the other thing I'm here for a year. It's and the reason that we got we got the house is we can put a stew We want to put a really cool studio here

Starting point is 01:48:40 And we put a cool studio in and and and uh, and I want to do other things We're doing other types of shows. We're going to do stuff with social media people Which is going to be interesting right because I'm outside of that world a little bit We're going to start doing stuff with people that I wouldn't work with You should but I should yeah, why not and and we're going to figure all that out And I think that it's going to be like it's an adventure. There are so few Certainties right now. Yeah, everything is up in the air But that's kind of where guys like us thrive. Yeah, that's why I I don't mind it. I don't mind it. I I actually like it

Starting point is 01:49:15 I don't mind it. Um Final question. Yeah, I just want to say like I knew We were going to win the pandemic. Yeah, I knew this. Well, I appreciate it. Yeah, but I knew this. Yes at the beginning I knew this. Yeah, I would not be surprised if we didn't have text message conversations about this. We probably did It's just and what is two sociopaths just going we're going to win the pandemic Like the news being like there's another mobile more People died like we're going to win this and I'm like, I agree. I think we might videos pop It sounds crazy, but at the same time like

Starting point is 01:49:52 When there's chaos, yeah Certain people can thrive in that right because chaos One what are the people that took this period off? Pussy yeah What about the people that Left the places and went like people that just didn't Fight this out. Well, does that say something about their their character? There's different between leaving. They're different between leaving and Not fighting. Okay, because like I think la is

Starting point is 01:50:23 Horrible the way that that's oh, it's a horrible. Everything's fucking closed. It's horrible. It's horrible when it's open. It's but no, you see when it's open I think maybe worse like you can't live here. It's everything closed down Even in New York like you and I from New York. Yeah, they said they've been closing things down forever I can go get a burger place if I want they literally said I'm not going to say the place But like a very nice restaurant in New York. I had a party of like 12 people Right, we're all good because we're getting tested for netflix, right? I know right literally everybody does not have corona Right, right for a fact, of course So we're having a little celebration there. I look at certain certain people where I go

Starting point is 01:50:59 Like I was like I feel like some people rose to the occasion in terms of just working. Yeah, just work. Yeah, I love working Right. Yeah, I was a drug addict. So if I'm not working, I'm in trouble doing drugs Correct. So at the end of the day, I just look at certain people and I go and I get it if you're a young comic I get it. I get like no, I don't get that. Yeah, you're right The point is about the restaurant. Good point. You're not wrong. They said they said they said 10 people It has to be under 10 people. I call the guy. I'm like, I got 12 people Can I do this? Of course, that's new york. Everything's negotiable. It's negotiable. Everything's negotiable. So it's like the people think Oh, new york is all shut down. Nothing's shut down. Right. I can slice a pizza if I want to figure it out

Starting point is 01:51:34 Whatever, but the same thing is like, yo, if you're a young comic and you're getting paid by the government to not do anything And you're not creating shit. You're fucking nuts, dude Yeah, which is I'm proud of the dudes that I work with, you know, ben always, you know The kid dan that opens for me was out there in florida making stuff like when you see people making stuff It's it's positive Ben works his ass off all the time like to just make this show better This whole studio is him. This is I have nothing to do with this studio. Right. Literally. I mean, I walked in. I saw it I'm like, it's amazing. I've nothing to do with this studio. Yeah, I mean ben

Starting point is 01:52:06 Coordinated this entire thing. Yeah, so it's like just find I think a way to work And don't wait like there's too many people right now. They're like waiting. They're like waiting For someone to open the barn door. It's like guys. We're good like they get upset at us. I think a lot of times and it's I think it's because They don't like the fact that we took our career in our own hands Right, and I think it kills them that they exist on the charity of others. Yes Where we exist on Connectivity of people like my career is because people fuck with me and that's always been the way it was

Starting point is 01:52:42 That's it like if I ever was on a show the executives never really liked me They would test it. You know what it's called like focus group or something. Yeah, focus group Focus group it and then like I do really well and they're like, oh, I guess people like this kid, right? So for me Put me in front of the people give me the people that's all I care about I want to say especially with the fucking Netflix thing like I want to express what I think most people are actually feeling And nobody's fucking saying or very few of us are saying and it's like That's where I put my faith in I literally put my faith in people. I have tons of faith in people. Yeah

Starting point is 01:53:14 I don't but I they find me funny and that's okay. Like I Yeah, yeah, yeah I they find no, but I got in a way. I do because they finance They fund things like listen at the end of the day. I do think people can recognize Funny. Yes, and I think they can recognize funny and like being authentic. Yeah, it's like people I don't know. It's not that fucking hard people act like being like like a talent exec is a hard job It's like we make it very easy for you. It's not a hard job at all. Yeah. It's like I could tell you're funny Like when I saw the videos I was like, oh, yeah, this guy's got it. Yeah

Starting point is 01:53:49 You know what I mean? Yeah, Ryan long we were talking funny funny kid. I could tell he's got it You got it Right, so it's like and then I see certain people and I go you're trying really hard You don't have it yet. Maybe you won't ever get it But you might get it but you might get it but you don't have it yet Yeah, and that's just what it is. What's to see that so that's interesting maybe to end on What is the differential between eventually getting it and never getting it and and is it even something that we even know? I think it's just an unknown. I think it's like

Starting point is 01:54:18 I think some people have something that is that Almost everybody can attach on to it's like lizard There's like a lizard quality to it where it's just like oh, this is funny like Fucking what is his name chris farley or whatever. I got like right. He had a lizard funny Yeah, I don't think he said a single setup punch in his never never, but when he did things It was funny and you laugh right and it's lizard Primal shit, right?

Starting point is 01:54:47 So some of us have like eddie murphy people like that too lizard primal primal, right? Like bernie mack primal, right? Yeah, so some of us have a primal connectivity, right? some people Will have 60,000 fans that really relate to their specific experience and having that fan base has never existed in history except right now Maybe with colt so like you might not have it where the world will gravitate to you That's there's only a few of us they're gonna have yet But you have the opportunity with the internet to find the other 60,000 people who have existed in life just like you And you're speaking for them right and that has never existed before and now it has so it's just like figured out

Starting point is 01:55:31 Yeah, find those fucking find the people Find the fucking people. Yeah, so to me. That's why it gets annoying if I hear bitching about shit Yeah, there's just there's there's enough avenues out there. This comes out when Christmas or something? Uh, the 26. Yeah. Yeah the day after Christmas. So new years is coming. Yeah What do you what do you say? Yeah You say 2020 was Crazy year. Yeah, very good for you. Good for me bad for many Bad for many. Yeah, but isn't that every year?

Starting point is 01:56:03 This one's a little this was a little extreme 2021 yeah, what are we thinking? Okay, so what is it like every every? Correction is an overcorrection. I think is that what they say. Yes. Yes So so if every correction is an overcorrection, are we over correcting? joy so like Right if this this year was over correcting sad sadness. Yeah

Starting point is 01:56:29 And is next year like we're just gonna lean into the things that make us feel good Yeah, and is it too much even and that maybe 2022 we start going let's let's even let's level it off Like I think I think I think you're gonna you said something brilliant in the beginning It's gonna be a week of like whoa. Yeah, whoa, and they call an old friend Like I think people are gonna call old friends and then you're gonna be at lunch with them going Man, I liked when we couldn't legally do this. Yeah, you know like I appreciate it Tell everyone and they follow you already anyway, but tell people where to go and get this is America on Netflix. Yeah, check it out on Netflix and uh, that'd be great man. There's a conspiracy

Starting point is 01:57:10 Theories episode that uh, I wanted I really wanted you to see and just see what you thought about it. Yeah, I'm gonna watch it I'm excited. I know that I know that that's the second episode, but like, you know, we would always call tim and ask him You know, I love when you call because I love just talking. Yeah You know this really well and like you know in a funny way too. That's another thing like yeah some conspiracy folks like They're so intense. Yeah, it's my conspiracy is like late night wendy's parking lot. Yeah Like that's really what it was like me and my friends coming down smoking weed just eating wendy's and talking shit And you gotta make people laugh if you want your attention make them laugh Yeah, yeah, and that's what trump

Starting point is 01:57:46 That's what trump did, you know, he got our attention by making us laugh. Yes. That was comedy So it's like yeah, I mean that's the other thing and in closing it's like if you're out there And you don't have somebody's attention fucking make them laugh make them laugh and you'll get their attention Andrew Schultz. Thank you. God bless you once again. Thanks for having me brother. Thank you

The Tim Dillon Show - 232 - Andrew Schulz

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