The Tim Dillon Show - 258 - Fat Recluse

Episode Date: June 27, 2021

Tim recaps a spider bite that got lawyers involved, beloved TV anchor Christopher Sign, Meryl Streep's future televised brawl, and interviews the legendary Jeff Garlin! Bonus Episodes every week: ��▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow See Tim Live on the road: ▶▶ http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 🩳 UNDERWEAR: Order with PROMO CODE Tim ▶▶ https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ 🔒 VPN: Get three months free ▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon 🥣 CEREAL: Use code TimDillon for free shipping! ▶▶ https://magicspoon.com/timdillon 🔵 BLUE CHEW : Use promo TD ▶▶ https://bluechew.com/ 🤖 MANSCAPED: Use code TIMD ▶▶ https://www.manscaped.com/ 👨‍🦱 HAIR LOSS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon 📦 SHIPPING: Enter code TIMDILLON ▶▶ https://www.shipstation.com/ 🎧 HEADPHONES: For 15% off! ▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim 🤳 COLOGNE AND SKINCARE: Use code TIM ▶▶ https://hawthorne.co/ 🛏️ BEDS: ▶▶ https://helixsleep.com/timdillon 🚗 INSURANCE: ▶▶ https://gabi.com/timdillon 🚬 QUIT SMOKING: Use code TIM: ▶▶ https://lucy.co ⚓ NICK DAVIS'S PODCAST (ANOTHER PODCAST SHOW) ▶▶ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtvB1iiShWreiKusHjzXI0w?sub_confirmation=1 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/another-podcast-show/id1566793182 💆THERAPY ▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD 📦 BOX OF AWESOME ▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% off 💊 MASF SUPPLEMENTS ▶▶ https://masfsupplements.com/ use code TIMD for 10% OFF 🧴 DUKE CANNON DEODERANT ▶▶ https://dukecannon.com/ use code DILLON for 10% off 💍 NORTHBANDS RINGS ▶▶ https://www.northbands.com/ use promo code TIM for 20% off BITCOIN CONFERENCE ▶▶ https://b.tc/conference use code TIMDILLON for 10% off CERTIFIED PIEDMONTESE BEEF ▶▶ 25% OFF with discount code TIMDILLON at https://www.cpbeef.com HELLO FRESH ▶▶ Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/timdillon12 for 12 free meals including free shipping! GET ACRE GOLD and start investing in physical Gold today! ▶▶ https://www.GetAcreGold.com/TimDillon ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   ▶▶ Ed McMahon [e-mail] https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. Real fun episode. Jeff Garland, star of Curb Your Enthusiasm, will be joining us later on in the broadcast. Great to talk to Jeff, big fan of Curb, which you, uh, you hate that show. No, no, no, no, I like that show a lot. You hate it. You hate it. And you hate Larry David and you hate Jerry Seinfeld and you hate everything. You're the one who hates. No, I'm kidding. Ben loves the show. Nothing not to love. We just thought we saw a brown recluse spider outside of my home. Get the photo up that I posted and it's not a brown recluse. It is a southern house spider, but we didn't know. We didn't know. Common mistake. Common mistake. And of course you

put something like that up on Twitter and, uh, you know, I don't know why when I do something like that, I think I'm going to get like an entomologist who's like, actually, it's just people responding. You're a fat recluse. And I'm like, that's not particularly helpful in this situation, but it is a male coo coo coo coo. It is a southern house spider. Thank you. Someone in a Facebook spider group with emotional problems. Just just classifying spiders anytime day or night. Just a happy person. A lot of people, you know, they're all these brown recluse spiders are all over Austin, Texas. And it is a big, you know thing. There was actually a big lawsuit because a guy, a caretaker at an Airbnb was bit by

a brown recluse spent 75 days in a hospital, spent $600,000 on medical expenses. It wound all the way up. The case went to the Texas Supreme court and then eventually they sided with the homeowner. Let's take a listen. The news. Okay. Let's take a listen. It's a spider bite lawsuit. Why am I leaving here? I don't know. It's the lawsuit about the spider bite that went to the Supreme court. The legal spider bite in the Hill country has turned into a lengthy legal battle between two men. Look at this guy. Can we get out of here, please? Keep look at this. I mean, this guy, he likes spiders to bite him. He can only come if spiders are biting him. He has a hooker take a brown recluse and it bites him. And

that's how we can come. All right. Anyway, continue this. I'm sure he's a lovely man. The Supreme court. KXA and Zalix Caprielo shows us why this case has been so hard for the courts to resolve. And we want to warn you some of the images you are about to see may be considered graphic. It was a cold day in December. 65 year old Henry McCall, a caretaker at an Airbnb property in Fredericksburg, reached under the sink. This is like they're shooting it to be like like very traumatic. He's like some of the images are disturbing because they're of poor people. Now some I want to give you fair warning. Some of the images are disturbing because they are of people who clean houses for living. Consider graphic.

It was a cold day in December. 65 year old Henry McCall, a caretaker at an Airbnb property in Fredericksburg, reached under the sink to fix the leak when he felt it was a cold day in December. A 97 year old caretaker, like the guy's 65. He's a caretaker. I feel horrible. What does that even mean caretaker of an Airbnb? By the way, that's like a term that's used. That was like Jack Torrance in The Shining. He's a caretaker of an Airbnb. The guy's 65 years old and he's just I think attacked by brown recluses, but the prick on his arm. The highly poisonous spider caused McCall's arm to bruise and swell. He spent 75 days in the hospital, underwent six surgeries and spent nearly $600,000 on hospital bills.

But for the grace of God, you know, I'm still here. He goes and I'm not getting vaccinated. He blames the property owner, Homer Hillis, for his suffering, saying he should be liable since he didn't warn him of the possible danger in his Airbnb. Attorneys tell us he normally wouldn't be since those animals are native to the land. Similar legal cases regarding indigenous animal biting and attacking people have all taken place outdoors. So now the Texas Supreme Court judges will hear both sides on whether or not a landowner has a duty to protect the people on their property if that bite happens indoors. McCall claims Hillis knew about the infestation. McCall says he saw a full-size mattress and frame

at the home crawling with spiders. But Hillis claims he had an exterminator come and take care of the property several times. He also mentions his stellar online reviews, which never mention an insect problem. Hillis also points out any judgment that makes him liable to be detrimental for anyone who operates. That looks like a prison. It's a property in the hill. Take a look at that. That's an Airbnb. That looks like a youth detention facility. That's an Airbnb. That can't be it. Who in God's, that's it. Who in God's name is paying money to stay in that Airbnb by the side of the highway with this poor elderly caretaker? I mean, and the Texas Supreme Court tells the guy to go fuck himself, which I love. Yeah,

they go, hey, the spiders were here before you, sir. Should we finish this? Yeah, of course. Hillis also points out any judgment that makes him liable will be detrimental for anyone who operates a property in the hill country. Hopefully they will bring about some regulation to exterminate for bedbugs, for scorpions, for brown recluse spiders, and black wiggle spiders. Alex Capriolo, KXAN News. We reached out to the Airbnb owner, Homer Hillis, as well as his lawyer. They chose not to comment until the Texas Supreme Court makes their decision. Homer Hillis. The judges will hear both arguments. The Airbnb owner, Homer Hillis.

My name is Homer Hillis. I run an Airbnb and there are some spiders in there, but they're native to the land. And my caretaker, who's 115 years old, ended up getting bit. And he had to spend 75 days. And by the way, can you look at that? That is not what should be done at like a hospital. That, that stitching looks like it was done by a child. What? I pray I don't need any medical attention in this state ever. I pray to God, I don't need to go to a hospital here. Look at that. Looks like a witch did it. My name is Homer Hillis. I run a youth detention center that I also use as an Airbnb. And there's, there's black widows and brown recluses in every room.

And my caretaker was near killed and he sued me, Homer Hillis. God. But we thought, look at this new teenage suspect identified in Austin, six street mass shooting. Chargers dropped against two teens. Tonight Austin police are searching for a close call for those two. A new suspect has been identified in the June 12th mass shooting on six street in Austin. They killed one man and injured 14 others. Chargers have been dropped against two teenagers who were previously arrested in connection with the shooting. Authorities said at a press conference Tuesday, Austin police department reports 19 year old Deandre Jermiris White will have been charged with murder. His bond is set at a million dollars.

White is responsible for the murder of the victim. 25 year old Douglas Cantor was visiting Austin. Fuck. Interim APD chief Joseph Chacon said new witnesses statements and evidence that led to charges in the case. According to Chacon, investigators believe White fired the shots after analyzing ballistic missile evidence and surveillance camera footage. Yeah, it's policing. Yeah. Based on now, multiple witnesses, ballistic evidence, video evidence. We know White was the person who fired the handgun striking Mr. Cantor and multiple other victims. Police say they interviewed White following the shooting, but he was released and returned to Colleen. That's good. According to the APD, he changed his hair and appearance before going into hiding.

I mean, who is in charge here? This is the new city. This is Jesus. White is still at large and should be considered armed and dangerous, but then did they get him? Is he got now? Yeah, cause they got him. They finally got him. Yeah. They need to change the tense of this. Yeah. Geez. I mean, that's fucked up. Somebody goes and visits Austin and there's a mass shooting. Not good. Very sad, dude. This is fucked up. Somebody was paralyzed. I mean, this is absolutely insane. So they, one 17 year old was spent a week in jail and he didn't even do it.

That's crazy. Austin mass shootings. Victims family speaks out after suspect identified. Yeah. I mean, this stuff is very sad. And, uh, you know, hopefully this guy is convicted and spends the rest of his life in jail because that is, um, what needs to happen to somebody who is, um, trying to murder everyone. I know that people are like abolish prisons. Well, I know. But I think perhaps we do need some of them. Yes. It would be a bad idea to where would he go? If not a prison, this guy, we'd put him in a mental hospital. He could room with my mother. You know, they could watch Tucker Carlson together. They could watch Tucker Carlson tonight. Cause that's the solution, right? If we abolish prisons,

he goes into some type of facility. I mean, that's, I'm giving the people the benefit of the doubt. The benefit of the doubt. He goes into a facility with my mother and they watch Tucker Carlson tonight, or he, we just let him out. I don't understand. Does he go to the Vulcan gas company and perform? Help me out. Does he do kill Tony? What happens to him? Get rid of this. This is very sad. Uh, mental health and mental health awareness is such a theme of the show because of my mother is a schizophrenic and I always want to make sure that people are, that are having mental problems reach out before something horrible happens, before they do something to themselves or others. We do not have a lot of adequate mental health care in this country. Now that being said,

it's sad when people who are, they feel that they're at the end of their rope and they don't have anyone to reach out to. They feel like that. Do something drastic like commit suicide. This is very sad and this happens far too often. Um, it's horribly tragic always, but it's especially tragic when they're somewhat like accomplished when they're, let's say a writer and they've written a book. That's sad because they've, they wrote a book and then, and had a family and, and had no, uh, prior, um, uh, mental health concerns at all. They'd never voiced at all that they were suicidal and they were on TV several weeks before they killed themselves. That's how insidious mental health is. That's how insidious mental health is that it can just

out of nowhere with no warning or no indication when you seem absolutely fine to everyone around you, you can just kill yourself out of the blue. And the, this man wrote a book about Bill and Hillary Clinton. And this is sad because many of the people that these two are connected to have mental problems and end up, uh, taking their own lives. Um, this is very, very sad. And, uh, get this up because this guy, uh, he wrote a book about when Bill Clinton confronted Loretta Lynch on the tarmac about the investigation into Hillary's emails and Lynch was the attorney general. And, uh, uh, there was a, uh, TV anchor, I believe, um, in this person, police in Alabama said this week and they're investigating the death of the television news

reporter who broke a story in 2016 about a secret tarmac meeting between former president Clinton and former attorney general Loretta Lynch as a suicide. Lieutenant Keith, whatever, I don't know how to pronounce that with the Hoover police department. Uh, they love investigating this, by the way, they're, they're in hog heaven down there. Um, they're saying a sign's death is being investigated as a suicide. Our deepest empathy is shared with Chris's loving family and close friends said Sinclair broadcast group. Um, while in Phoenix sign broke the story about a tarmac meeting between Lynch and Clinton, which came as former president Obama justice department was investigating the former secretary of state Hillary Clinton, then running for president

over the use of her private email server for official government, uh, business. When I broke the story, we knew that something had occurred here. There was a bit unusual sign said of the meeting during an appearance on Fox news that year. It was a planned meeting. It was not a coincidence. This details everything they don't want you to know and everything they think you forgot. Now I thought he wrote a book about that. Did he not write a book? I believe he did. Let me see. This will be another example by the way of Tim Dillon being right wing. He's a right wing psychopath. He's pointing out something that's weird. You know, the heroes of the progressive movement, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Christopher signed Birmingham TV anchor and former Alabama

football star player died in apparent suicide. I believe he did right. Maybe it wasn't a didn't he write a book? Isn't there something on? Didn't he say he was get got a lot of threats when that happened? Let's see here. Yes. Secret on the tarmac. Here we go on Amazon. Yeah, he wrote this book secret on the tarmac. It's amazing that he was able to get a book done while suffering from a debilitating mental illness, some serious depression inside the clandestine tarmac meeting of Bill Clinton and the rental inch, the story of her journalism, a secret informant and Alabama football impacted a presidential election. Yeah. Well, sadly sign unfortunately left. He exited stage right stage right stage left whatever

about a year after publishing about a year and a half. How did he kill himself? Let's see. How did he do it? I'm not saying that people don't kill themselves. By the way, that's not my I just think around. I don't know 200 people killing themselves that involve a family. It starts to look suspicious. I believe it begins to look a little odd. We were talking about this in the backyard with Ben. And we're saying that, you know, people like, you know, the Bush family and the Clinton family are how shall we say it? How do you say it? They're they like power. And they're not huge fans of people that wrong them. And a lot of the people that have wronged

those families end up in trouble. Corona releases new details about alleged suicide of Clinton tarmac reporter Christopher sign. Okay, what are they saying in the morning? It's found out by family members cause of death is yet to be released. But they believe it was a suicide. So the coroner still looking through it. It might be that he took the wrong medication. I don't know. I'm not saying that anything happened here. I'm just saying it's curious. It's a curious thing. Get a get him up talking about the threats he received. He's I believe whether it was on Fox or he was talking about the threats he received when he broke the story. I'm not suicidal by the way. I know that makes

me a minority in this country at this moment where everybody is just on the brink. But supposedly he in a television interview I watched seemed pretty together and he was saying that he'd received some threats and there you go. Right here. There you go. You've paid the price for this career wise. What kind of threats or what have you received? Well my family received significant death threats shortly after breaking this story. Credit cards hacked. My children. We have code words. We have secret code words that they know what to do. And that's why I came back to WBMA ABC 3340 in Birmingham because when I was enduring the death threats it was my former Alabama football family and my teammates my coaches who

circled around me. Read all about it. You can get the book right now. Secret on the tarmac. It's at Christopher sign. SIGN.com. And on Amazon as well. All right. Sure. Anyway. Get the book where you can folks. Again my family received significant death threats. You're like oh anyway the book's out right now. Grab the book if you can folks. Grab the book if you can. Man. It's just a it could be a coincidence. I don't know much about what happened. I'm just saying maybe he was bit by a brown recluse. Is that possible that this guy was bit by a nest of brown recluses. They're in Alabama I think. Is there a coroner's report on this guy. Yeah but it's it's undetermined still. They don't know.

Trying to find the latest thing on it. Cause of death is probably related to suicide. It's just maybe he did struggle with mental health. I don't know. I mean that seems to not be the case. Still just being investigated. You know if somebody released Broca story that I felt impacted my chances for the presidency I would maybe kill them a year and a half later when people had forgotten about it. I'd put them on the list. Would you not put them on the list. Right. You put them on the list. Do you think the people like the hit men that work for them are like all the time they're like like again but it's a good they're great. They're they're good like if you're a hit man do you want them as your clients. It's that's what they call repeat business.

That's the rolodex you want because they have problems with everybody. The bushes would do a lot of shady shit too. But they like just whacked JFK or H. Dubs was clearly suspiciously. Well he forgot where Kennedy was. He forgot where he was when Kennedy. Where were you when you heard about 9 11. A second grade. Yes. In class. I was in 11th grade history class. But when they asked Bush that he went where were you and JFK was killed. He goes to Japanese interview. He goes yeah I don't I don't I don't know. Come to think of it. You know where he was. Where Dallas odd. It's interesting. He was in Tyler Tyler. But it's

very interesting that he forgot like he forgot and he was like in the state. You know he wasn't in Fiji. But again none of this is important. What's none of this is truly important. What's important is that people continue to argue about whether Fauci can you believe that he lied about the masks. That's what's important. Don't get lost in any of this stuff. The real things that matter are did Fauci lie about needing masks early on. Because that's the key to it all. That will unlock the secret. That explains everything. It's not it's not this. Don't get off track here. Don't get off track. What matters is the inheritance tax.

When you inherit an estate how much should you pay for it. What percentage of the estate should you pay. I'm not saying that's unimportant. But that's that's what we should be focusing on. Not whether the country is run by murderers who kill their enemies in public. Like this is no one's even trying to hide anymore the killing. They're used to they used to go to great lengths to hide the murder. Now they just go like this. I mean it's you know so that's why people when people get into politics with me I have to like you know just kind of like I'm I'm I just under the table I'm just like all right I'm just I get bored. But did Fauci lie about the map. I don't know that's important isn't it.

Killing people in front of you dummy but it's not. They passed a new law in Texas that says you can carry a gun and do you know what that means. You tell me tell me what it means. You tell me what it means. You've clearly done the research. But RIP to Christopher sign it's unfortunate. We don't know what happened. We're not even going to speculate. We're just having a little fun. We're just goofing. We're goofing around. We don't have any information about this. Our audience is not nearly big enough for anyone to care out there. So don't I bet this guy was sad and that's what happened. So don't come looking for anything here. We don't this is not a journalism show. We're not breaking any news.

This was talked this trended on Twitter for 48 hours. I'm not breaking news. Nobody handed me a USB with any information. I don't have a flash drive. I don't know what happened to anybody. It's all a conspiracy. Everything's a conspiracy. Like everything's good. Everything out there is good. Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. It's fine. There's we've got bigger fish to fry much bigger fish to fry than whether the ex-president and his wife are on a killing spree in broad daylight or whether the other ex-presidents father participated in a coup. Don't get it twisted. It'd be good now if we had an ad break for like a very mainstream, you know, like I always ask why we don't have more mainstream.

But it's a great way to get out of a meaningless political debate is to just bring these things up. Bring these things up and people will move on very quickly. They'll change the topic, by the way. They'll change it. So if they start in about the Fauci and the mask, hit them with some fun and then they move on and they, oh, what have you been up to? Oh, that was easy. Just had to pull that lever. We went out to dinner tonight. You know, again, it's you just try here and you try to do what you can do. And it just, it's you just try. And you know, the plans are in place and there is a process and there is a movement happening in migration west. It's our destiny. A manifest destiny westward expansion. Not that I haven't enjoyed my time here, which will I'll have several

more months of it. And not that I haven't enjoyed it. And it hasn't taught me a lot about myself and what I can and cannot tolerate. I just, I would rather be stabbed in the street by a machete wielding psychopath than spend one more minute here in the land of mediocrity. I can't take it. I can't take any more garbage food or, you know, you know, sea lists like, you know, just, just, it's a, you just look at the people and you go, yeah, you're just, you're almost there. You're almost there, but you're not there. They're uncooked here. They were taken out of the oven too quickly. You know, they're misshapen. The cookies are misshapen here. They're not cookies that you'd put in the Christmas catalog. They're cookies you can chew on them, but they're misshapen.

They're not something you're proud of. You're glad they exist. Sometimes you're hungry. But in reality, the people here, and that's your impression a little bit too, isn't it? Yeah, it's a lot of genes that have been cut off with scissors and weird headbands. You don't want to waiter with a LeBron James headband and dreads and whatnot. When he's white. When he's white. He's a white guy with dreads. Yeah. And like the, the, the headband, like the pickup basketball headband, it's not good. The horrors are unending. The brown recluse that we met has been the least obtrusive. It's just a lot of like the waiter put some down and goes, yeah, that's real good. And I'm like, you wouldn't know what good was. If it climbed into your mouth and went to your brain,

like you would have no idea what good was. How long ago were you in prison? Good. They all get so excited. They're like, it's good. Isn't it good? And they come up to you while you're eating it. They're like, isn't it good? And by the way, they don't even sound like that. I'm doing this Texas accent, this twang. Nobody even really sounds like that. Nobody has that accent that I don't even know where that exists, but it's not here. People just say it's a little slow. Like it's not that bad. It's, it's just a little, it's a little like high. Like they weren't fully MKed. They were halfway MKed and were released. Yeah. Yeah. I just, you know, it's been lovely. It's been a nice ordeal. Maybe the Clintons will, uh, arrange it so I don't have to spend too much

time here. That's all. Are you worried now? They say, uh, the cryptocurrencies are all going away. Yeah. It looks like they're plummeting. They're saying the Bitcoin whales are trying to get the price to dip under 28 so they can buy it all up. That's the rumor. That's the rumor. Right now it's $34,000. I was paid one Bitcoin for the Bitcoin convention. Um, and that is about what I have in crypto right now, $34,000 in crypto. And then I have five Ethereum and we're going to hold hodl. Hold on for dear life. Do you have any crypto right now in your sizable portfolio? I have none. None. What are you holding on to right now? Just, just stonks. You're a piece of shit. You have like, you're like my mother and mother had like one share of McDonald's.

My mother would get one share of a company. She'd be like, I have one share of Exxon. Yeah. She had like stock certificates in a book. She had like one share of a company or like two or three shares of a company. Amazing. But you're not that much better than that. No, no, no, no, no. Our criminal friends, Devin and Ida own a small purse crypto little wallet, right? A couple hundred bucks. I think they have a couple hundred dollars and they watched the crypto market like, like our friend Ida watches the market like her life depends on it. And she's just on the edge of her seat watching this and just reading and studying. She could make so much more money on only fans to show the gash, but she's trying to learn about crypto

currencies and central banking. Central banking. Show your ass. She's attractive. Stop talking about fiat currency. Show your feet and earn a living. Now I keep telling her that. I've told a lot of my friends and I don't mean anything nasty by this. In fact, I wish someone would tell me this, but we know why they're not going to because, you know, I have a very, I have a specific look. I told many of my friends, you should become a prostitute. You should have sex for money. Are you not listening to me? Well, I'm thinking about fiat current have sex with strangers and have them pay you. Are you not understanding what I'm saying? You're good looking enough. It is a compliment yes to tell someone that they can fuck for money. That is a compliment. And if, and I've had people

get offended when I've said that people have been mad at me because I have told them that they should start a little, a little at a time, not like dive in, but like begin to think about transitioning into being a whore. And they're angry at me. They're actually people have had really bad reactions to that piece of information, which is very logical. Nothing wrong with sex work at all. And I think many people need to get off your high horse and, and, and, and let's get realistic and get it and do it now before you lose value in the marketplace. You know, before you and men and women and non-binary people were talking to everyone. I'm telling most of you to become prostitutes that, that fit a certain and even if you don't, there'll

always be like, I could be a prostitute, but it's for such a small sliver of the population. Like it's for a, it's like people will fuck me, but to pay to fuck me, you, it's got it. You have to have a real fetish and it's a small segment of the population. But if I marketed myself appropriately, I could do it. But some of our friends are very attractive and there's no reason that they're talking all the time and they're trying to understand the world and how it works when they could be taking photos and videos of themselves, putting different things in their ass. Is that wrong? Imagine if that was your work day and you could kind of do it. You have a look where you could do it. Truly. If you wanted to become a prostitute, you would make more money

on this show. Like if you had an only fans. What would I do on only fans? Show your dick. The problem with you is you have no, you're, you're, you're very good looking, but you're like, you're, you're like a dullard and you're, you don't, like your brain doesn't work. So what it is is like the, the people have to create the fantasy completely themselves because you, you, you kind of like, you look like you're a kid that like, like when you were young, like you heard a lot of loud noises and you have that, that type of, so when you, you look at someone, you don't know how to be like, it's sexy stuff. You just, you're not fully developed in, in that way. Like emotionally, like, like maturely, you don't, I don't know if you can really like turn

it on in a, but you can just do it with photos. You just get your dick. You just jerk off on only fans. Do a video of me swinging it. Yeah. If you have a big enough dick where you can swing it around, which we all know that you have a big dick. Um, if you can swing it around, I don't know if you can really swing it around. I mean, you keep saying how big your dick is. You can, can you really like swing it like that? I mean, what are we talking? Like, like, uh, I don't know how much, what are the tears? Like David and Goliath, like the, the old school slingshot like that. I don't know what you're saying using biblical references. We're talking about practical applications of what you can do. The problem is you, you, when you, when people look

at you, you're not there. You're somewhere else all the time and the people want you to be kind of there. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I can't really do a neck down thing. Why? Because I don't have like a good body. Like I don't have like, I'm not ripped. I'm not shredded. No, it's not great, but it's fine and not, it's fine for only fans, but you just, you just have to change the way you like interface, you know, or maybe people might be into that. Like, like, uh, like, cause there's a lot of like, I don't know if that could be a fantasy, like a, like a big dick autistic, like caretaker and an Airbnb, like, or you're like a groundskeeper with a big dick is autistic. Like I feel like people would want that. And that's not, if I'm not trying

to offend you, I'm just telling you that's a better life than what we do here. It's truly a better life. I see all these people out here doing comedy and starting podcasts and God bless them. But I look at some of them, I go, Hey, just you want attention, you could get it a lot of different ways. You know, that's all I'm saying. We're very excited about, uh, Jeff Garland, who is coming up. Curb your enthusiasm is one of my favorite shows. And we rarely have guests on the show, but Jeff is an absolute sweetheart. He's incredibly talented. The show is great. They're coming back to have a new season. I believe premiering in September. See when it's coming back season 11, right? I believe so. They've officially renewed it as of May 4th, 2021. So it'll be coming back soon.

Well, good. That's awesome. Very exciting. Ray Kump, arriving in Austin for a week on July 1st, doing a Patreon a few episodes with Ray and, uh, getting him some food. Ray is, what would you say? Conservative estimate 5, 600 pounds. He's not six. He's a four. He's knocking on five, probably 500 pounds. He has to be put in a car and there's nothing wrong with that. But he's coming and we're arranging different meals for him throughout the day. We've actually planned it. We've actually pre-ordered. We've pre-ordered food for him. So as soon as he gets here, he will be treated like a king. He'll be, we'll give him the lifestyle that he's accustomed to. And we're kidding about five, but he's big. He's in the fours. He's in the fours. He's in the

fours. He's a large gentleman, but he's an expert on, he'll tell you about the keto diet. I'm like, I want keto. Shut up. Listen to me. Because I'm doing keto now. And, uh, he'll, he'll, he'll have a lot of great ways to break down Austin too. He'll have a lot of great, um, uh, thoughts. It's very late right now. It's one, is it 146 in the morning? It's 146. I got a flight to Denver. Boy, do I want to ditch these shows. No. And the only reason is, I don't know if it's a full cap. I'm so mad. Now the comments aren't letting people in. It's just let them in. Let them in. Who gives a fuck. If you're not vaccinated already, you don't want to get vaccinated. That's fine. Just let everybody in, let them in and let's get back to business, baby.

I'm doing like 10 shows in Denver because they're just not letting everybody in. We could have done like five. You're literally doing 10 shows. Yeah. I mean, it's just, there's just so much. There's so much happening. Very exciting stuff. We're, uh, we're working on all kinds of new fun things for the show. We had a meeting today about it. So get very excited about all of that. New sketches are coming out, new things, couple of really big guests we're working on. And, um, we're really pumped about anything you have to add before we go to what Jeff Garland. I just want to say I actually am a big fan of curb. I don't hate curb. It's a joke. I know. I was making a joke and you're, you're clearing that up for people. Well, they don't, they might not

know, but they don't care. Why would they care? They might start a beef online with who? With Jeff, be the best thing in the world. If you box Jeff Garland, it would be amazing. It would be a great, it would be a great thing. Wouldn't it be great if like actors, like legit actors now, because of the success of like Logan and Jake Paul, they just start boxing. They just like Meryl Streep as, as she has no choice but to just get in the ring and get the shit kicked out of her. How funny would it be to see like Meryl Streep getting like beaten up because you would just be like, I just let it go. Yeah. Like Laura Dern is just yet Laura Dern just wailing on Meryl Streep.

I like the announcers being like, it's great to see how excited everyone was about this fight. There was so much momentum bill, so much hype bill. I just see Laura Dern's really getting her. She's really getting her. And Laura Dern's just laying a beating on Meryl Streep and everyone's so excited. And then Meryl Streep's all bloody afterwards. And Meryl Streep's like, I never claimed to be a fighter. I respect Laura. I'm looking forward to doing shots with you after this fight. And Laura's like, fuck yeah, Meryl. You came in this ring. I have a lot of respect for you. We made this possible. The fans made it possible. You just see Laura Dern. They're both bleeding. The fans made it possible. This night's for you. And everyone's just cheering.

Everyone's clapping. All right, Jeff Garland, everyone. Are things good? We're coming, we're, we're coming back where we were. Oh fuck, that's great. I just, I just, I was at Target with my girlfriend. Yeah. And I'm walking around without a mask. By the way, a lot of mask people. And if they're not, if they haven't gotten their shots yet, I respect that. But if I don't, I wore the mask religiously and I just as much when I don't have to out of respect to other people, even I ain't wearing the mask. So it's like, I mean, my attitude the whole time with the mask was it's about respect for other people. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yes. That's all it is. Right. Agreed. Yeah. Yeah. And, and respect for businesses. People didn't understand that like businesses needed to open and the way that they could open was by having these guidelines and regulations. Did they make sense? I don't know, but I know that the business we're not going to know anything about all of this until years down the road, which I look forward to. And then no one will care. By the way, no one will emotionally care. It'll just be interesting. Someone's bound to make a great doc or write a great book. And I, I don't, I think I'd watch the doc. I don't know that I read the book. I don't want to read the book. I'd certainly watch the doc, but it'll be met with eye rolls and who cares and who I've got a bunch of jokes about COVID

in my act. And they're funny. And I think I got another month or two with them. And then they're done. Well, by the way, are we on now? Are we going? Yeah, we're in. We're in now. Okay, good. So I wanted to say curb. Everyone's like, I bet you're doing great stuff on COVID. Oh, no, we're not. Right. Because we're coming out in the fall and ain't nobody want to relive any of that shit. Agreed. That's number that's that someone and as far as my standup, I'm different than a lot of comics because and also I'm different in this way. I, I acknowledge my difference. What I mean by that is I read the New York Times. I don't think of funny things. I only get pissed or depressed. I don't make that funny. What I can do and make funny

is my life that I that I'm able to whatever's going on in my life. But I'm smart enough after doing this. I've been a comedian for 39 years. And I know that that's not a strength of mine. And nobody wants to hear me like I watch you on your podcast. You're, you're great at pointing out the hypocrisies of the world, the crazy stuff. And I look to you for that. I don't think anyone looks to me for that. And I'm certainly not good at that. You're great at that. Well, we I got good at it. I think or if I am good at it, I got better at it during this crazy period of time. Yeah. Yes. But it's in your nature. Here's the thing, Tim, that's fucking great. How old are you now? I'm 17. No, I'm 36. 30 fucking six. Imagine how much better you're going to be in 10 years,

20 years. Well, like our comedians, if you keep putting in the work, and I'm not talking about writing, I'm not talking about but all the work that you need to do as a person, like everything, you grow as a standard. I'm saying you only stagnate when you don't put in the work of life or writing or are going on stage. You don't put in the work. You won't grow. You're going to fucking grow. Yeah. How many seasons do you think curb has left? Do you think this is the final one? Do you think you guys do a ton more? You know, it's funny. No one has ever asked me that and I'm not being sarcastic. I can be skeptical. I'm never sarcastic. And I want to know because people say you're going to do another like no one ever says how many more can you do? I think

we could maybe do one more. Yeah, maybe. You know, Larry's in his 70s. Don't get me wrong. He's in good shape. Genius. Yeah. Yeah, I do both the Goldbergs and curb. I'm 50 fucking nine. It is exhausting. It rips me apart. And the equivalent happens to Larry because he's in every scene working every day having to be there at 6 30 in the morning. I don't know if physically he can do more than let's say another season, right? I think he could do another. I don't know that he has two in them. When you guys were doing that more. Yeah, when you guys were doing the pilot, you know, you often hear people say when they read a pilot, they can envision that they go, we've got a winner here. We've got something big. Did you guys have any idea? Obviously, Larry David's involved. But

did you guys know that this was going to be what it ended up being? Which I think is is truly the greatest comedy of the last quarter century. Well, you're very kind to say that. And I will take that in and say thank you. I think I'm right. I mean, Ben, am I right there? 100% Yeah, I was just with Michael and perioli last week, coasting. And I said, in my opinion, the 90 minutes that was like three seasons of the Sopranos going into curb that 90 minutes for drama and comedy. Yeah, I think is the best 90 minutes in the history of television. You're probably right. You know, I really do. And by the way, I'm not a I don't have a big ego. I don't think that I or I don't believe the hype, but I have great respect for curb your enthusiasm and

obviously great respect for the Sopranos. And that 90 minutes was just, you know, they use the term must watch TV. Right. To me, if you want to laugh and feel emotions, that's your 90 minutes all time. Well, both shows had some of the truly great practitioners of the art form in it, right? And people like you and Larry and Susie Esmond, one of the things that I was always curious about people have said a lot of curb is improv. How much of the show is improv? How much of it is scripted? Is there a balance? That's a real thing that I'm very curious. I wanted to answer your question earlier. Yes. We had no idea that we were going to become this iconic show. We, well, we did the key thing that you've done in your career. What do I find interesting? You have

to do what you find interesting. And if you do that, either you hit or you don't, boom, that's it. But that's the only way to hit in a big way is to be yourself. So we did a show that we thought was funny. We didn't have a clue if another human being would like it. I did think early on that it would do well in England because it had a faulty towers flavor. Right. Yeah. So there you go. What about how much of it is on the spot on the fly? All of it. All of it. In the story, Larry might write in the outline. The outlines are about seven pages long. And normal sitcom script is about 30 some odd pages. So that's a lot. That's a big difference. And so Larry writes these scenes, which we truly improvise. Every once in a while, there'll be a line of like, Jeff says this, or

Jeff tells Larry this, which if he says Jeff tells, it's kind of like, I can do it any way I want. Well, I can do it any way I want anyhow. So, yeah. Now, Cheryl Hines, Susie Esmond, you, Larry. JB Smoove. JB Smoove. The name is this kid. Bob Einstein. Bob Einstein. I mean, I'm Richard Lewis. Everybody on the show is a killer. Like everybody on the show is amazing. And what is the working environment when you have comics that are that skilled and that good? When you guys are improvising, is there just a real understanding of what your characters are? Does anybody try to hog a scene or steal a scene? Did it take a while to, because I can only imagine me and my friends and the idea is that everybody's trying to have the last word and be the funniest

person? Well, with me, automatically, you've got the guy that will hang back if other people. And it's only guest actors who sometimes will do a little much and we have to sort of pull back. But in terms of the main people, it's a feeling. Here's the feeling. And again, no one's ever asked me this. It's a feeling of trust. When you know, when you walk on that set, it's like, I know everyone who's here can do their job. It's the ultimate. It's walking on to an arena with pros, with people that automatically, it's like, it's like the NBA playoffs are now, it's going out, nobody's injured. And everybody, you know what everyone does. And everyone knows their job. Sometimes you have to step up in other ways. But it's that trust factor. And what does

that trust factor bring you? Hopefully good work, but, but fucking joy. We laugh. We work very hard and long hours, but we laugh all day long. Well, that's the other question you guys. Everybody laughs. It gets along. Is there a, and I don't know. I mean, this is a question somebody probably has asked you before. It's a hack question as I ask it, but I'm so happy to be here with you. No, I'm happy that you, you did it. Well, I'm, this is, I'm, I'm a fan of so few things, but this is something I'm a huge fan of. Is there a movie in there? Is there a curb movie? Is there, is there a long form 90 minute, two hour movie, whether it's on HBO or it goes to Netflix? Like, is there a car? Yes. I personally don't think so. And I wouldn't aim in that direction because

I love movies. And I think curb is unique to what we do. And it's a half hour, sometimes a little longer, not very often a little shorter. It isn't, it's perfect for what it is. To me, I'm a believer, you know, movies are a different art form. They really are. And it's storytelling, but it's a different art form. You go into, all right, I'm not even going to use the same genre. Um, you go into most of the crime. I love the true crime stuff on Netflix. I watch all of it. Yeah. Okay. And the best ones are where the story's already been told. The Night Stalker, any of those where we know who did it and that dude is dead. Right. That story, however, if you do five episodes, it's compelling. Now, so many of those five, six, 10 episode arc, true crime

documentaries are many episodes too long. They're sort of milking it. Yes. And we get to the end and we know as little as we did when it started. And it is, it's something that could have been truly, I'll even give them credit. I won't even say a half hour. It could have been an hour long. And we would have gotten the same. There was one recently about the hotel downtown and the woman that disappears. Yeah. No, I watched it. I said the same thing. It could have been an hour. It could have been a podcast episode. Yeah. So what I think we realize about Curb is it's perfect as a half hour, maybe on occasion, a special hour, if it's right. But in general, you don't want to be making movies out of this. It's the same thing. There's nuance to everything

that's great, I think. And then, for example, what was great about Sopranos was they hired real directors. It wasn't like the writers are going to start directing. What was the other thing where they, all right, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Vince Gilligan directs some of the episodes. But mind you, he's a great director. Right. But there's nuance between being a show runner slash writer and being a director. Yeah. So it's the same thing. Whatever it is, if you go with it, you're always going to serve yourself and serve the people who directs Curb. Is it one person or do you have Rotary? Well, now it's been Jeff Schaefer, who's one of the producers direct. This year, actually, he directed every episode. Last year, we had half Jeff Schaefer,

half a bunch of great women directors. And then in the past, we've had other directors and stuff. But yeah, it's, you know, look, it's Larry David's voice. Right. And in TV, it's just as long as, but my job is to get, when I'm doing a scene with Larry David, I'm not trying to be funny. He writes the scenarios. They're funny. My job is to help get Larry David's story on the screen in the best way possible. Well, what's so great about what you do and what your character does, what I think Ben does here is that when you put something, you add something, you don't do it all the time, but it's always gold. It's always perfect. It always moves the scene to where it needs to go. It's pivotal. It's not, it's never excess. That's why I was curious about how much

of it is written, how much of it is because Oh, and then do people try and run away with it? Nope. Right. We see every scene we listen to one another where, where Richard Lewis and Bob Einstein were a little bit different. They had, they would look over the scene and Richard would actually write notes to himself and we do a scene and we'd have to steal the notes away from him because we want him to be present. Right. But he would, his mind, he wanted to have funny quips ahead of time. Right. Bob Einstein, a lot of times I would say, well, what are you doing? Cause he wanted to just be so damn funny, which he was. I mean, one of the funniest people on that show. Without question, Bob, JB, smooth, amazing. And Susie, Esmond is just, I mean, everything she does and says

is truly amazing. When curb ends, when it ends, you know, down the road, I mean, you're doing the Goldbergs now. What is the hope? How do you, how does somebody like you feel about other things because you've been so successful in TV? How do you feel about stand up now at this point in your career? And how do you feel about movies and other opportunities? I know you've done some animated stuff, you know, you've been Toy Story, all the pics. Okay. Well, here's the thing. I, as long as it's creative, I'm into it. I have, as a matter of fact, I got a call. I didn't answer it. That's how much I'm into you. I appreciate it. Telling me I'm up for a very big movie. Oh, good. I got, I got a call about it. So I'll find out when we're done. I mean,

like a really big move. Wow. Well, I don't get offered those a lot, but it's really exciting. I'm developing three TV shows right now. Like I'm always you're working. You're working. Yeah. What are you? What are you? I actually believe in you so much. Oh, anytime you want to sit and talk about not even with me attached as a producer with how you could do something and what you could do. We do. We sit. We talk. We do a lot of the talking. And I don't mind that. But what we were able to do over the last 24 months is really build a great show and a big following on social media and through the podcast. And we've been able to really, we sell out every market we're doing shows in. And you know, we're number three on the Patreon,

which is a subscription service that people pay for extra content for an extra episode of this podcast every week. And we focused on that because development, which I was doing for years and I had people like Adam and Kay producing stuff and Anthony Bourdain and his company, I mean, really tightens and stuff like that. But it is very difficult. It's very difficult. And it's very difficult. And it's not easy. And there's all kinds of reasons why things don't work. And you try to understand those reasons. You can drive yourself crazy, right? Racking your brain. You could go, I don't know why was it me? Was it the idea? Yeah, it can be everything from the development process to one person involved in the development. Not liking you or not like the idea or not getting

it or right. But Larry David taught me a lot. And I really, I am happy to be fired. I am happy to walk away from every project I'm involved with. Right. Which gives me creatively power and financial power. Because I'm like, this is what I get. And also other things, I'm happy to work for nothing or next to nothing. Other things, I don't do things just for the money anymore. I've gotten to a point in my career where I don't take money jobs. The only money jobs that I would take. And I know you would take our corporate standup case. Yeah, I'll take them. They don't book me, but let's do it. Yeah, I know. But the truth is you want to ruin your event. Email my agent at CAA, please. You say that. Why are you at CAA too? I'm with CAA, yeah.

Oh, that's my, that's my thing. Yeah, I'm with my agent is overweight. Everyone who represents me in the business is overweight. There's seven overweight people in LA. They're all working for me in some capacity. It's truly amazing. I mean, everyone across the board from the business managers to our business managers, not really overweight, but but our agent is and you know, everybody, everybody on my team, it's very interesting. And bless God bless them. They're, they're working and eating and living. What do you think when you look at the internet and you look at the freedom the comics have now? Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're, hold on a second. Yeah. You're with Matthew Fector. No, I'm with Ed Brooke, Justin.

But do you know Ed? They were, they were talking to me about you. Yeah, I know all of those guys to a degree. I mean, they all blend into one guy. No, but just know that they talk about well, that's good. I call them the Josh's where I don't know their all names, but I know that they're whatever I'm on a call. It's Josh's and Jonah's and it's a lot of J's and people like that. But I do jizz them. Right. I do know them. When you look at the freedom comics have on the internet now, which seems to be the way that a lot of people are building careers and you, you lived in LA a long time. You've seen the growth of YouTubers and social media stars. I mean, people that are truly getting hundreds of millions of views on things, whether we like them or not,

or we think they're artistically significant or not, you cannot deny the raw power. What happens to television? Because it's getting less and less eyeballs. I mean, you're on an iconic show, but it gets less and less eyeballs all the time. And you see this really gravitational pull towards the internet where people can watch things on their phones and share things with each other. And what happens to traditional television in an environment where people want shorter form content that is more accessible? Well, I think there's always room for great television. I think there's always, there's always room for great narratives. There's, here's the thing people say to me with the, with the feeling in the country right now,

are you scared about not being able to do what you do? And no, I'm not changing a thing in my stand up or who I am. Do you know why? Because I'm funny. You're funny. The people who should be scared right now are the people who aren't that funny. Because now you look at like some guy works for a company, he puts himself up on, on Facebook, doing a bad color joke, or even being in blackface. Well, yeah, that's not freedom of speech. That's called you're about to get fired. Yes, you know, the freedom of speech is nobody's going to arrest you. That's true. 100%. 100%. So the only thing that's going to happen in the future is in terms of your real network shows. I'm not talking about ABC. I'm not talking about all of them, Hulu, HBO, everything. It's

just leave it to the professionals. And I think there's always going to be shows, always going to be room. And then in terms of social media, social media, you know, Instagram influencers, all the different things, you know, I admit to them, but I don't really, I don't pay attention to them much, you know, or that's not a career. That's a moment. So let's say you have, you have, let's just say hypothetically, you've a million YouTube founders, followers. And what you do is you take different toys, and you throw them off a roof, slide them up, millions of people, you get money, a lot of money from YouTube. I'm just, I'm giving up a stupid hypothetical. No, it's probably not a hypothetical. It's probably happening. And you're probably

Yeah, no, it is. Right. Yeah. Yes. So those people enjoy whatever time that is. That's not how you build a career. Right. It's a funny, but you look at somebody you like. What's his name? He's got the Bo Burnham. Okay. Bo Burnham started in YouTube, got the YouTube following. I first heard about him from my managers in YouTube. They actually signed with my managers. Are you with Three Arts too? No, no, no, no. I was with someone in New York, but we got rid of them. Oh, Jim Bo Cock Roberts? No. I had to think for a minute. I'm like, was I with it? I interrupt myself and I forget. Well, no, Bo transition to a traditional career. Bo did it. Yeah, there's, but Bo Burnham, but that's rare. But Bo Burnham, here's the point.

Yeah. Bo Burnham, whether YouTube exists or not, is going to be a successful Agreed. Agreed. Agreed. And a successful director. Yes. So that's my point about all the social media influencers, all the YouTube. I would almost say that if I look at, I look at Jake Paul and Logan Paul, I don't know if that's a moment. That seems to be a moment. You think that's a moment? Without a doubt. I mean, why? Yeah. You know why? They're not intelligent. I don't know about that. By the way, here's what I only wish I could box both of them at the same time. Here's, here's why they're very in shape. They're, they work very hard at it. No, by the way, I gotta give them credit. They were very hard. Here's why I'll disagree with you on that. I think

to go from making YouTube videos in your backyard to boxing Floyd Mayweather, you have to have a level of intelligence and it may not be, you don't think so? No, but here's what I think. Here's what I think. So you're a YouTuber. It's starting to become a bit dead end with what you've been doing and you want to reinvent yourself. You start boxing and to me, his boxing and I would, I would be shocked and I'm open to it. If he had the master plan of where it is now when he started, no, dude started boxing. A thing opened up, which led to another thing. Right. It's called, are you ready? Hard work and luck. Hard work, dude takes his boxing. Agreed. No, I don't think he thought, yeah. But luck in terms of that it's caught on.

But let me ask you a question. Yeah. Would you really, and I might have been talking about an age thing, would you look to Logan Paul for your entertainment dollar outside of wanting somebody to fight him good? Well, I might not, I wouldn't, but I would say his, the fight was very entertaining and he knows how to create spectacles. But what I will say is that there are a ton of people who do watch his content and enjoy it. Unequivocally and enjoy it. But like there's that couple, I think they broke up where I heard about where they had like a kid and people were hanging out on their block hundreds of, I mean, like tons of people and they follow them on their thing. I know a lot of people care, but I think your YouTubers in general and all of that are the most,

what's it called, when fickle, like they're here to go on tomorrow. That is true. Unlike acting, which is very solid work. Well, it can be, if it depends on the work you do, if you're a hat, you're a hat. Same with stand up comedy. But I think what you're doing, I'll just use you. You're building up, like people look to you for a point of view. People look to you to laugh. People look to you, you're supplying a lot. Let me ask you, the Paul brothers, best day ever, what are they supplying? I think they supply entertainment and spectacle. I will say that spectacle that you're going to go your life with. You're going to join them on that journey. I think they will find different ways to keep creating those types of spectacles.

I think now it's in boxing, but I do think down the road, it could be, it could be other things. My point is you're a comedian. You're excellent. And you're building a career. You're building, you last long enough. You really build a career. My argument has never been that the Paul brothers are going to replace Richard Pryor. They're uniquely of this time. The same with what's a family that has the show. The Kardashians. That's of this time. But don't you think, and this is an interesting conversation, do you think this time ends? Does this time become another time? Yes, it turns into something else. And there will be a time when the Paul brothers or Kim Kardashian are looking at whatever's popular YouTube who knows whatever and they're

going, Oh, that used to be me. Well, that reminds me of me. That's true. And that's everybody, but I do think it's not everybody because look as much as I look to you and I'm inspired by this or whatever, it's uniquely you. There is nothing uniquely them. You know, maybe the Kardashians more than the Paul brothers, but it's all of this time. Think about a person that watches the Kardashians and is passionately involved. Those are the same people, most of them who will be passionately involved in watching the Kardashians as 60 year olds. It's like it'll feel, it'll feel like they haven't had growth. I feel right. You have a hopeful view. And I, by the way, you have a view that I would like to see come to fruition where, you know, people might move on

from these things. I look at it as that you are what you're a member of one of the less great ensemble comedies. And I hope that more come down the pike, but I just, what you're saying is right there from the standpoint of people are, there's no comedy movies. There's not. There's not. There's none comedy on television. I watch three. I'm really involved in three shows. One's not that funny. And that's Barry. Barry's amazing. Brilliant show. Yeah. Brilliant show. But it's not, I don't go to it for laughs for laughs. I wish I had curb your enthusiasm to go to as someone who doesn't know what's going on. But South Park is my jam. The best. That's the best. That's the yes. But I'm saying that's comedy to me. That lasts forever. Oh, and even them, they did a pandemic episode,

well written, well done, not enjoyable. Didn't laugh once. Really? Nobody wants to. Yeah, because it was the pandemic. I'm sick of pandemic. Yeah. And people like great stuff on curb. I've been coming up. I go, nope, don't look to us for pandemic. We have two pandemic things. And one, I haven't talked to Larry about this. I'm going to ask him to cut. It's a scene in an elevator with Larry and I, I don't really like it in terms of time. If the time I thought, oh, this is, but we have another one that's the first episode that will get a big laugh. But it's one thing. The entire show, nobody's wearing masks. No thing because people, that's not what people want. Agreed. Agreed. How is the your stand up? Are you going to go on the road a little bit? Are you

going to tell you what I'm doing on that? Yeah. And I made this decision and it's a pretty big one. Starting it's up start. I haven't done stand up yet in terms of, I've hosted a few things, but I haven't done a set in about a year and a half. And the last time I took a break was two weeks. So it's been, but I'm now sort of developed thinking about a new way of me doing it, you know. I hope people, and if I can plug my Netflix special called our man in Chicago, that is me. Like if you want to go, do I dig Jeff Garland? Watch five minutes of that. And you'll either be like, yeah, I love this dude or like not for me because comedy is very subjective. So I'm going out in the fall from Vancouver to Rochester to Nashville to San Diego, all points in between.

I'm doing like 14 weekends where I'm performing for free, not the audience for free for the clubs for free because they got hit so hard during the pandemic. So I'm paying my own airfare, my own hotel and I'm paying for an opener. That's great. They're going to pay for the opening act. That's, I can't obligate. I can't speak like the opening act to work for free and then I'm making up money and I'm actually getting them paid the right amount of money. That's a great thing to do. I'm doing a tour where I make the clubs pay me more money to perform and it's called, it's a stress test on their financial, you know, strength. So it's called 110% of the door. By the way, Tim, yeah, you're not, you're when someday and this is going to happen, not hopefully, yes,

you're, you're fucking loaded beyond belief. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not Larry David beyond belief, but I've done well, you've done well, that I can go out and say, you know what, I've had, I've had the blessings. I had the blessing of yes, it was stressful of working both on the Goldbergs and Curve during the pandemic. I was lucky. I got to work during the pandemic and make what I make. So to me, I want these clubs to really have a nice weekend where they put some money. But the thing is, when I was an opening act, when I was the middle act and I went on the road, I made, this is back, this is in the late 80s, early 90s, I made $600 a week as a no-name opening act for somebody. Now, when you go on the road and they have someone come in and open

for you, they're making maybe $50 a show. Right. And so I'm making them pay, they don't have to, they don't have to book me, I'm coming for free. But my opening acts are getting a thousand because I feel like that's the proper amount that you should be paying. Now I'm not talking about the first act that, well, with me, there's no MC. I pay my features well too. I always give my features extra money. I cover their hotel, their airfare, all that. Yeah. But when they pay, though, the feature acts, they're paying them nothing. They pay nothing to me. I made 600 back then, they should be making like $1,400. They don't, they're not. They're making half, they probably come out of a weekend, $300 to $400. And I always give my feature thousands of dollars

extra, you know, that's always what I do. Because I want them to live and we're doing really well now we're side tickets. And by the way, that's another thing, when I'm on the road, these are young comics that, but not all very young, these are comics that did make good money during the pandemic. So I want them to get some money too. I want it. It's actually the name of the tour is the use me tour. I like that. Use me. I'm good. Bill Withers. Yes. Use me. I love it. Few more questions. What do you, whatever you want to ask me. And by the way, you can go anywhere with me. I'm good. Yes. So the Middle East. No, I'm kidding. But no, I appreciate it. But it is fascinating. I'm not a political dude. I don't talk to too many people that have been on such an

amazing show. So it does interest me. Like that's genuinely interesting. What do you feel the future is of specifically comedy? Because you said there's not a lot of comedy movies. And you said there's not a ton of comedy on TV. Comedy seems people want a lot of people out there want, you know, a genre blending, or they want it to have a little more gravity than it used to. They want it to be a dramedy. I hate that fucking word, but whatever. But what do you think the future and, you know, not to overstate it, because there's a little bit probably too much made of this, but like people are people are more sensitive. Now it is a different world. Now things are changing. What is the future of comedy content, whether it's television. Okay.

Yeah. So you brought up something very interesting there. When I was a young comedian, it was all about having the respect of your peers and being great. Right. The audience. And by the way, this is not an insult to the audience. It was about developing, being great, and having your peers go what you're doing is great. And you get the audiences left. I remember when I was a young comedian, I would get laughs on things that are embarrassing, you know, my whole course about cartoons, TV, sex, it was like, it was, it was like, there was no substance to it. But I killed. So it's not about the killing. But here's the, here's the way comedy has become like every other mainstream art form. No one ever gave a crap if audiences like you or you became famous.

Right now we're living in a time where when you go to the comedy store, and let's say there's 12 comics on a couple of different shows, at least a third of those comics are only there because they're popular, not because they're funny. Bill Parcells, I saw an interview with him a while back, he was talking about a football player. And he said, this guy plays because he loves football. Football is everything to him. He loves football, not what football can bring to him. And unfortunately, we've crossed over in comedy, where most of it is about becoming famous, and what comedy can bring to you. I know myself, I can speak for myself and Larry David because we've got conversations, J.B. Smoove too. We do comedy because it's what we do.

I have no choice. What else can I do? I might be a good teacher. I might be a good therapist, maybe, I don't know. But I was, I've been wanting to do this since I'm a little boy, eight years old, I knew I wanted to be a comedian. So it's what I do. I love comedy. I don't do comedy to get a good table in a restaurant. I don't do comedy, although I don't begrudge anyone for early in their career to get laid. Like, you know what I mean? I do comedy because it's what I do. And the fact that the audience digs me, I am so lucky. And I combine two things, which is I'm supremely confident in my skills, but I'm also humble for any opportunity. I love being on your show. I don't think like, oh, this is a get for Tim Dillon. I think,

how great, I'm going to be with Tim. How much fun. I called you and said, you wouldn't want to do it. I was really honored that you liked the show, that you were a fan of the show. I was honored because again, you're part of what I consider the best comedy of the last quarter century. Truly. Pamela, you know Pamela Cissan? Of course. Yeah, Pamela is the one who turned me on you. Okay. Yeah. She was the one who said, this guy, she didn't say anything, but like, hey, he's great. Well, and then I did a deep dive and I'm like, you are so fucking right. I appreciate it. When you, when you started out, did you start out in New York? Or did you start out West Coast?

South Florida, the comic strip. I started with Brian Regan in the early 80s. Did he go on to any success? I'm kidding. I know. Yeah. So that's where I started from there. I went to New York, Chicago, back to New York, to LA, Chicago. I did Second City, like I did a bunch of stuff, but it was only my journey. I loved it. You know, yeah. What do you think mistakes are that people are when people start now? Well, here's what I want. A couple of things. I want to want to finish up the thought about what comedy has. Yes. I frankly think there are a million comedy movies that are going to be coming. Like it's all, it's just of a time. It's just like we got lazy with this. We didn't do this.

We didn't develop this. It's just of this time. It'll all grow. I'm sorry. Comedy, great comedy has been around since, at least on screen since the teens of the last century, you know, silent movies. There's always room. People always want to laugh, but you also have to make a good comedy. You also have to have a studio exec or a network exec who goes, you know what you're doing. I'm going to give you suggestions, but you know what you're doing as opposed to your, I've been in movies before and TV shows where creative decisions are made by people who shouldn't be allowed a hundred miles from a creative decision. Right. Not that they can't say what they want. And I work with people and I'll call them pussies who gave in right away. Right. Oh,

that's what you want us to do. I, but I was on a show where they listened to every network note and we were canceled after six episodes. Right. And that's what happens. Yeah. You have to fight and you have to fight them and pick your battles. Yeah. Yes. What, what mistake do you think it's all going to happen? What mistake do you think young people make when they start today? Because they're concerned with social media and then I say use it for what it's worth. Like for example, you have taken what you do and you've used social media to your strengths. Yeah. I think if you want to make short films, put clips up on Instagram or what's the other one that Twitter, any of them. Twitter. Yeah. Twitter. Yeah. Twitter. But I'm saying, so get a YouTube or

what's the other video site? I forget. I don't know. Tiktok. Vimeo. Vimeo. You know, I'm saying get a channel on there, put up your full length, 10 minute shorts, but put clips the way, the way a lot of stand-ups do. I don't, I've done it once and I got the links from, that's why I'm amazed and the guy is successful. Let's say Jim Gaffigan, who I respect the fuck out of the mask, who I just, I love him as a man. I love him as a comedian, all that. But I look on his Instagram and the fuckers constantly promoting himself in a great way, like in a way of like, how do you have time? Right. Or who did you hire? Can I hire them? Right. So I think that the mistake that people are, that I see young people make is they're very concerned with what comedy brings to them.

Me, I fall in love and I'm talking male, female, I don't care. I fall completely in love with any comedian that only gives a shit about being funny and becoming better tomorrow than they were today. Anyone who's focused on fame, I really, and I could say names and you go, really? And I go, yeah, that motherfucker, it's about fame. That ain't about, I got to do this. I got to release what's inside of me. But I could see you, if you, I think if comedically you didn't release who you are, it'd be the equivalent of you not being out. Yeah, it would be a problem. Yeah, they're both, they're not doing either. I think they're equal problem. Yes. Because you, when I watch this, when I, when you used to have anything, when you're done, I have a piece of you with me. Yes. That's,

that's what I don't see. Yes. People just want to go up there. They say they're funny thing. They're please like me. And then they, I've got more followers or I did this and no, just whatever it is that you bring, do it up. The problem, the problem is, it's so many people right now bring so little and it's not. Oh my God. Yes. It's like, you know, nothing makes me happier. Okay, I'll give you, I'll give you a happy when I sit in the original room and I'm in one of those back chairs and I'm watching Rick Ingram. Yeah, I am so happy. He's funny, funny motherfucker. Yeah. Hey, he can't get arrested because he's just a regular white dude. Right. He's doesn't, you know, but fuck, he's great. I watch him. So I love settling in that

seat. And I want to say to others on stage, take me on a journey. Take me on your journey that only you can bring me on with your point of view. And yes, it's filled with shit. But you know what? Since I started, there were always, you've always had to swim through the shit. Swimming through the shit is the most unbearable aspect of doing what we do because there's so much of it. And so many people who only give a shit about being famous, you know, and that's not the thing. The thing is about being great. If you're great and you put in your work, you will get whatever kind of following you deserve, or not even deserve, you'll get some following of substance, you know? Yeah, the happiest people that I know in this business truly are people who do it on their

own terms, whatever that means. By the way, that's what I here I am. I'm saying I've been doing this for 39 years. I aspire to do that every day. Right. What can I bring? What can I do? Yeah, and the people that like when somebody like you or Suzy Aspen walks on to the set of Curb, they're bringing something. When I go and I watch people at the comedy store, go up and do their set, whether it's whoever it happens to be, they're bringing something. You know, I think that that's the hardest thing to do is to not lose so hard. Well, by the way, you've heard a million times it takes 10 years. Like to become a good comic. The point being is it takes a lot of people 10 years just to be

comfortable with who they are on stage. It takes a lot of people sometimes 10 years to be comfortable who they are offstage. By the way, I would argue longer because I'm in a lifetime journey. Sometimes I look at a comic or I look at a person and I go, you don't know who you are and you've never met yourself. And I think those are the people who are doing themselves a disservice. Because by the way, God forbid you do get famous as a character or a version of yourself who you're not. You have to play this role your entire life. I know a few people that have done that, you get trapped and it becomes a horror. So by the way, know who you are and figure that out before you get big. I'll show you that I'm not as scared to talk about things.

Christalia. Yeah. Christalia. You just from. Is there a handbook for being extremely handsome, extremely charismatic, becoming famous and women of all ages and I'm not talking about minors, although I'm sure there's some people under 18 who dig him, throw themselves at you. Where's the handbook to figure that shit out and not have a big ego and not believe the hype? Right. You know, now he's humble. Now he gets, you know, I would see him at the club. I think the only handbook I think is probably the law. I mean, that's probably the only. Oh, yeah. What we're talking to underage. Yeah, that's the only handbook. But I get it.

I understand what you mean. I understand what you mean. Yeah, there's no going through this thing is very confusing. It's very hard. Very, very, very tough. Very confusing. Well, the best thing, one of the best things I ever wrote that's not funny for me was on my Instagram when it describes, I said, comedian of some notoriety, completely true. I can't gauge it. Doing the best I can with the information that I've been given. That's great. Because that's all you can do. That is all you can do. You learn. And by the way, I've seen people who early on in their success believed the hype and they were kind of assholes

and they turned into substantial people. It's called growth. It's called living life, you know. But it's a very hard adventure to go through the whole thing. It is. Jeff Garland, I truly appreciate your time. I'm a huge fan of the show. It's one of the shows I look forward to watching. I think it's probably, again, it's definitely going to go down in history as one of the greatest comedic shows that has ever, you know, been done. And I really like that you enjoy some of the stuff we do on the show. I really appreciate that you recognize the humor of it. Can I really be honest with you? You've never pissed me off, which is quite the accomplishment. For example, Michael Rappaport. Oh yeah, Michael does make

everyone mad. No, but I love Michael as a man. I love him comedically. I love him as an actor. And I love most of his posts. So he put up a post on Instagram recently of this kid who looks just like my younger son on the street doing like rap with his friends. They set the street. Some guy gets out of his car and punches him in the head. And then when you slide over to the second thing, it talks about how that guy got arrested. He's in jail. But I can't unremember whatever. I can't get out of him. I had the image of this kid who looks like my younger son getting punched cold. Yes. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, why are you shocking me? I don't need to shock. I need, well, he might be a little lost. And this is with Trump not being in office because he was so good

at nailing Trump all the time. Yeah. Well, that's what a lot of people's life was about. Yeah. Well, by the way, it's killing talk shows right now because, you know, Steve Colbert comes on and talks about Trump. It's like, we don't care. Right. No one cares. We don't want to hear about it. It's true. And certainly the people that love Trump don't want to hear what Steve Colbert is talking about. So it's an audience of no one. I auditioned. What did I audition for on Kerm realtor? Plumber. I auditioned for the role of a plumber on Kerm. I didn't get it. By the way, you didn't get it. I remember who got it. I did. I did a decent job. I think I did a good job with the audition. Nope, you did. Yeah, that's not the point. The point is that you could

have easily gotten that or not got it. It's all Larry's win. Of course. That shit. Of course. But you were great. And you'll get other things. And hopefully we do another season of Curve that I have you on it. Yeah, I want to but I want to do other things with you. Of course. I want to see you become so supremely successful. Well, that's so sweet. And by the way, I've witnessed since she first pointed you out to me, you're going from an unknown comic to holy shit, this fuckers kicking ass. Well, thank you. So we try and we try to be as funny as we can. And Ben does a great job and we try to do as much as we can. And we're working on a book and we're working on. Yes, we're doing a lot of different things and we hope they're good. But you do this because it's what you do. If Ben weren't

doing this, we'd be in a diner doing this. And that's the difference. Right. Right. So that's that's where we are. Jeff Garland. You're the best. We really appreciate you coming on. And good luck. A joy. A joy. Thank you. And we will talk to you. So when are you coming back home? I'm yeah. Well, the fall I'm on tour all summer. And then we're going to start looking at places in the fall. And we're we'll be back home. We tried Austin Texas. But yes, I know. I know my people. I've been I've been quite vocal about my thoughts and feelings on Austin. People can go. Yeah. That all made me laugh. I've performed in Austin, performed in Austin and had a nice time. But that was probably the last time I performed in Austin might have been five years ago. Yeah.

It is not the scene. It's turning into something else. Once every five years, I think is good. Thank you so much. We'll do a dinner. We'll do a dinner when I get when I'll be there over the summer. We'll do a dinner. I'll be here too. All right, brother. Thanks so much. Thanks for everything.