The Tim Dillon Show - 267 - The D'Amelio Variant

Starting point is 00:00:00 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show from our temporary studio here at LA. We have a new studio that is being built for us right now from the ground up, and we're very excited about it. We're spending $80 million on it, and some people say it's too much. I don't think it is. It's a hotel, condo, podcast studio. It's going to have residential units. We've partnered with some of the biggest developers in the world to bring you this state-of-the-art podcast studio. Pool, fitness center, I think 400 residential units, about 350 hotel rooms. I believe like 50 to 100 suites, and then the rest, beautiful rooms. Five restaurants, so it's very exciting. We're teaming up with a lot of the big chefs. Mario Batali. Mario Batali from New York City.

Starting point is 00:01:07 If you remember, he was canceled because in his restaurant he had a rape room where he would like bring people in, but a phenomenal chef. We've decided to say, hey, are we God? No, we're not. Are you Jesus Christ? Do I look like Jesus Christ? I don't think so. We reached out to him and said, let's let bygones be bygones. Come in here and let's cook that squidding pasta up. Mario Batali's first new restaurant in a long time is going to be in our high-end condo podcast studio. Before we start the show, this is a very sad thing that I want to talk about, and I didn't think I would ever have to do this, and this is a tragedy, a unique human tragedy. Many of you don't know this because this information is being kept from you. You're

Starting point is 00:01:59 being lied to, and I have a pretty good idea of who's doing it, but I must come clean about what I know. This is true. I can't sleep at night perpetuating a fraud, and that we know, both of us know, is not true. Joe Rogan passed away from the coronavirus last week. It killed him almost instantly. It was very tragic. He had 17 strokes an hour after testing positive. It was incredibly sad. Not only did it kill him, but it was so shocking that young Jamie, the producer of the Joe Rogan experience, lost his mind after Joe died of the COVID. Young Jamie went nuts. He went completely insane, and no one knows where he is right now. Okay?

Starting point is 00:03:33 This is something that is being kept from you by Spotify and on it, the real Illuminati. The supplement companies are keeping this from you. Joe died even though he was taking all of the supplements, vitamin D, chrysanthemum, magnesium, all of them. He died instantly. He lost his mind before he died as well. He was not making any sense. He was in a chair, and his last words, I swear to God, and this is sad. Yeah. It is very sad. Are we more relevant in the podcast space now? Probably. Yeah. But this is very sad. His last words, he was just screaming ivermectin as he was stroking out in a chair. Ivermectin. So it's not right, and it's sad. But we have a

Starting point is 00:04:52 memoriam. What do you call it? An in memoriam? Yeah, like they play at the Oscars. That's right. Of Joe, that young Jamie tried to move into his house, and he walked in and he looked at Joe's wife and he said, I'm the king now, and she shot him. So this is what's going on in Texas. So let's play the memoriam here for the man that's more responsible for our career than any other, really, other than me. But it's sad. Sad is really sad. It is unfortunate that this happened, and it is very sad the way young Jamie is handled is trying to steal Joe's wife and move into his house. It's crazy. It's completely absurd that this behavior, I mean, so let's take a look at this montage here.

Starting point is 00:06:18 It's a tough way to go. Yeah, it's rough. Well, he was fat. He was fat. That's part of what people don't know. He smoked, too. Every time he did that show, he was in a corset. His real size would, I mean, it would stun people. It was stunning. I was a little late here. I was watching behind the mask on Hulu about the mascots. Have you watched that? I have not seen the show. It's heartwarming, and it's about people that have very little confidence, maybe. We all have our issues, but when they put on the suit, they become a god. Got you. Right. So I've been watching that. It's kind of interesting. When they put on the mascot costume,

Starting point is 00:07:21 thousands of people cheer for them, but when they take it off, they're nothing again, and it makes for good viewing because it's an interesting, I think if there's not many people in the world I can relate to because there's not many people who do my fucked up job for a living, comedian or podcaster, these guys must feel like that, that there's not a ton of people who've ever felt that power of being the mascot. Everybody loves you, and no one knows who you are because you are behind the mask, the title of the show. So I'm on episode two right now. I don't know how far I'll go. It just started playing. I didn't have any choice. I had Hulu up, and they just chose that for me. They go,

Starting point is 00:08:17 here's what you'll like, a show about people that are mascots that only want to live when they're in a very hot, sweaty costume of a moose. That's the only way they can find happiness on this planet, and you would really like that. So here we go, and they were right because I'm watching. I'm kind of hooked. I'm kind of hooked. Very sad in New Orleans, someone reached out to us on Instagram. It's out of the news, but the Hurricane Ida, the name of our Persian friend, the hurricane in New Orleans has knocked out power, and power has been out for days. Some places won't have it for a couple of weeks, they won't get it back, what I was reading. New York City, the tail end of Ida,

Starting point is 00:09:16 dumping torrential rain on New York City, killing a few people that got stuck in their basements. I don't know how that works, but very sad. New York City subways were flooded, and a lot of those images were on Twitter, and you were just scrolling and going, man, I am so happy to not be there, you know? But yeah, the New York subway is going to flood a lot, and there's nothing we will do about it. That's true. Yeah, welcome to the climate change era, that's what they're saying. Well, it's rain. Listen, is it climate change? Sure, but- Six inches in an hour is a ton, that's a lot. I don't know if that's-

Starting point is 00:10:06 It's not that much at all. Really? You need six inches if you want to go an hour. Come on! Come on. Are any of the people in New Orleans that are sitting in their houses without power, and scared to go out into the alligator infested waters, and experiencing a failure of both state and federal leadership, do you think any of them are disappointed that they can't watch the Demilio show on Hulu? Because if you get your power back, if you get your power back, go, run, don't walk, to the TV store, and buy a TV, and subscribe to Hulu, and watch the Demilio show. It's a show about Charlie Demilio, a very sweet young girl, perhaps medicated, I don't know, but very calm, and her family, she's got like what,

Starting point is 00:11:18 a trillion followers on TikTok? She's got more followers on TikTok than people exist on Earth, and she's very successful, and she's a dancer, and she's a sweet girl, she's truly sweet when you watch the show, and her sister's a singer, and the parents are from Connecticut, and the dad was a Republican, black lives matter, but the dad I think was a Republican, he was a little bit of a Connecticut Republican, which he, what, that, he's not a Texas Republican, but he was a Connecticut Republican, that's right, nothing wrong with that, not where we stand, but you know, it's probably not the best branding angle, so you have him, and the mother, and then the children, and it, you know, I mean, boring, right? Let me, this thing is so boring, that your, you know,

Starting point is 00:12:20 reality TV should be fun, and you realize how good the Kardashians were, they set a bar, man, those motherfuckers set a bar, I watched an earlier scene today, where Kim and her mother were fighting, and Kim was thinking of firing her mother as a manager, and Chloe went to the mother, and goes, you know, Kim's meeting with other people, and Chris goes, who is she met with, and you go, that's what I want, I want a family that regards each other with deep suspicion, I want a family that sees each other mainly as brands, like when they sit around a table, that's fun to watch, it's fun to watch a family that lawyers up against each other when need be, that's cool, but the D'Amelio family, it's, it's, you know, you have these two girls, and then they

Starting point is 00:13:14 have, again, 700,000 million, gazillion, trillion, they have the population of China following them on social media, every time they like wave, they get like 400 million, you know, and then, you know, the whole show is these two girls going to their family going, the internet is mean. And you feel bad because I know it's mean. And what happens is like the family will be in the kitchen, they'll be like making dinner, and then one of the girls goes, the internet said I should kill myself again. And then the parents are like, well, that's, hey, that's not nice. And then she goes, well, it's very sad because people are saying that I should be dead today. But instead of dying, I uploaded a dance video. And the parents like, well, if this isn't good for

Starting point is 00:14:14 the kids, we'll get out of here. And the kids are literally like, today, someone else said I should be burned alive. And then they cut to the parents going, if at any time this is bad for the kids, we'll get out of here. We're not, we don't want to ruin our family for money. They said that I should be burned like a witch. They said I'm nothing. Well, listen, just ignore it. Dad, sometimes I can't ignore it. The thoughts just stay in my head. And I just cry. Just ignore it. If any, if at any moment me and my wife think it's a bad idea for millions of people to tell my daughter to kill herself on the internet, we'll move out of here. We'll go back to Connecticut. I used to sell shorts. He's like, he sold athleisure wear. You know, he's a fun guy too. Sometimes

Starting point is 00:15:16 I make fun of people on this show. And I would love to be friends with a Republican from Connecticut who sold like a sports apparel. It's just a fun type of person. He looks fun. He's a fun guy. And, but I love that angle of like, if ever it gets too much for the kids and literally there's a scene where the girl's crying and going, every moment of every day, every minute I'm alive, every minute I'm alive, they tell me to kill myself. And he's like, listen, just come in here and vent whenever you need. So I just, it's just, they should play that up more in the editing, but they don't. And it's just a very boring show. And you know, you realize that children are boring and stupid. Now, I don't mean they're not crafty and savvy because they are. These kids are going

Starting point is 00:16:08 to have empire. They've got ring lights and Target. They've got clothing lines. They've got number one hit singles. And number one hit singles. They are dominating. So I don't mean they're not savvy. I don't mean that they don't work hard, but they're, they're kids, right? So what? The Kardashians were never children. They were never children, which made them entertaining. They were never children and they were never a family. And that's what's great about it. Kris Jenner was never a mother. They called her the momager. I mean, she was a fucking powerhouse. I want to watch powerhouses. I want to watch that Demilio mother grab one of the girls by the hair and go, shut the fuck up. You want to go work at the gap? Because that's the

Starting point is 00:16:59 real answer. The real answer when these girls start crying. And I know the internet is mean. And I know they say horrible things. They've said them to people, said nasty things about me even, me. But the answer to them is, do you want to work at the gap? Do you want to work at the gap? If not, we got to power through this as a family. But I, I hope that this show gives some comfort to the people in New Orleans who are suffering right now with the no power and the flood. I hope that eventually they can get the power back on to watch this very, very boring and incredibly unnecessary show. It's incredibly unnecessary to see behind the scenes of nothing because it's nothing, right? There's absolutely nothing going on. The Kardashians are more important than the

Starting point is 00:17:56 Bush's, Clinton's, Obama's, and Trump's in terms of American culture. But this family, it's just not that. They're a sweet kid. The girl's a sweet girl. And I feel bad that people on the internet keep telling her to die. That's not nice. But you don't need a behind the scenes. You've never watched a TikTok and went, but what's really going on? It's, it's unnecessary unless it gets bad. That's the thing. Like, you know, when the dad goes, if it ever gets, you know, too much, but that, but that's what we want to see is too much. Too much is good for the show. They bring like grandma in and grandma sitting there. And it's very interesting because this girl's like the girl next door. She was a dancer. She just popped, blew up. Good for her. And I have no, I just,

Starting point is 00:18:51 I don't want anyone, I don't want anyone to be unhappy or go through something painful, right? But it does make for better television, undeniably so. You know? They had a whole scene where Charlie couldn't find her can opener. When I, when I left, when you were watching it, she was like, she couldn't find the can opener for two minutes. And that was the whole, that was the big drama of the scene. So I mean, that's kind of, if one, if the older sister killed the younger sister, Ramsey style, John Benet Ramsey style, then we'll do season two. But until then, let's cut the shit. We don't need the show. It's unnecessary. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Unlike the power New Orleans, which is necessary. Like we should

Starting point is 00:19:44 have it. You know? I mean, I imagine. You read an interesting article about the ice cream machine at McDonald's. They're doing a deep dive into this. Yeah. So the FTC is like sending letters to owners of franchise locations. Yeah. We don't know where COVID came from, but we're doing a deep dive into why the ice cream machines at McDonald's seem to be broken more often than when they're working. The priorities are skewed. McDonald's said in a statement to the globe that the company, quote, has no reason to believe we're the focus of an FTC investigation. The company said it as a team working on the ice cream issue, the ice cream issue, and it is deploying solutions such as new training for employees and regular maintenance, check up on the machines. We've been at McDonald's

Starting point is 00:20:34 a lot at night. And what happens? They usually say the machine is down and a lot of them say it's for cleaning. But we know that's not the case. Some of them are honest and go, we don't know why it's down. It's like during the power grid failures, when Gray Davis was the governor of California, and Ron was just forcing the power grids to go down to jack the price of power up. This is kind of what's happening at McDonald's. They forced the machine to go down on a smaller scale, but maybe not. I don't know. And my problem with McDonald's, and this is with a lot of things, by the way, it's not only McDonald's, a lot of the, whether it's a McFlurry or a Blizzard or a concrete, anything where it is ice cream, and then candy mixed through it. And you

Starting point is 00:21:24 could tell me if I'm wrong, when I grew up, the candy was swirled through the entire thing. Now it is best case, the top 25% are toppings, the bottom is ice cream. And I don't know why that is. One of the creepiest things I've ever seen, the McFlurry machine was broken, and I was in Pennsylvania, I had done a show years ago, and I stopped into a rest stop McDonald's, which means it's a McDonald's, but there's also bathrooms for the truckers, and then there's Get Some Head, and then there's also like a gift shop for, I don't know, like a postcard that says Pennsylvania. And it's for human traffickers and people that need to take a piss. And I walked in, I ordered a McFlurry, and they didn't have one, so she hand flurried it. She took this

Starting point is 00:22:16 spoon, and just, and she, this is what was spooky, she never broke eye contact with me while she was hand flurring it, as if to say, this is my life. She just locked eyes with me, and it was an Oreo McFlurry, and she just was like stabbing it with the spoon, and it was a good 30 seconds of unbroken eye contact with this monster, really, and she was just kind of flurring it by hand, and then she just put it on the counter and walked away. I don't know if that was like the lowest point in her life, or if she was angry that I ordered a McFlurry, or I don't get it, I don't understand it, but that's something I remember. But people are getting angry at McDonald's because people have had enough. The things that we really, we demand in this

Starting point is 00:23:19 country are interesting. At issue could be the relationship McDonald's has with Taylor Commercial Food Service, a company that makes most of its ice cream machines. The Journal reported that the machines, which make milkshakes, soft-serve ice cream, and the McFlurry, require a, quote, nightly automated heat cleaning cycle that can last up to four hours to destroy bacteria. If that process doesn't work, owners must call a technician before they can use the machine. So there is some science behind the answer that it's down for cleaning. So the science is that they're trying to destroy the bacteria in the ice cream machine. So it's up for 20 hours, and then down for four, and then it should be back up for another 20 every day on a cycle.

Starting point is 00:24:00 But it should be down, but see a lot of McDonald's on 24 hours. Oh yeah, that's right. So you know, sometimes the four hours it's down, it's like 11, 12, I mean, I'm like, hey man, what are we doing? This is prime time. This is prime time for the McFlurry, but people don't care. People don't give a shit. There was another scene in the D'Amelio thing where they were eating hibachi. Now you like hibachi? I like hibachi. I've never in my life had fun at a hibachi place. It's kind of fun to go out. Is it fun? They do the volcano with the onion. You don't find it a little demoralizing that the chef has to do that. I think he likes it. He likes making a volcano out of onions. Some of them seem cheery when they do it. They like doing the flips. A lot of people

Starting point is 00:24:44 seem cheery when they're doing things that they hate. I don't like it because the number one, the food, none of it's good. True. None of it's when you get the food, you go, ah, it's an overcooked shrimp that was thrown in the air. It's not good. I also don't like that there's people excited about the guy doing tricks with rice and onions. It's odd to me. I hate the way you all sit. It's a show. It feels like you're at SeaWorld watching the sea lions. But you like that. That's something about it you like. Sometimes you get to meet an interesting couple from across the table. At the Hibachi? Yeah, yeah. What do you consider interesting? What do you and your wife consider interesting? Well, okay. God help us. I think the last time I

Starting point is 00:25:33 went out in Austin to a Hibachi Grove, which was one time, there was a guy that was filming the guy do the choo-choo train. What the hell is the choo-choo train? So what they do is they have the, you know those trailers? If anyone said to me, you want to go to Hibachi, I would not. I would like take them out of my phone. I would delete their number. It's just the most like a basic bitch. Like to me, saying like I want to, like it would be like, it would be, it's this bad, right? Yeah, yeah. You're going to dinner with someone to go, hey, why don't we go, instead of dinner, they go like this, they go, why don't we go to a homeless shelter at night and I'll help out? Like you get that text in the car, you go,

Starting point is 00:26:13 what? You don't know how to respond. Right. You don't want to do it. But you can't just be like, hey, fuck that. But that's the Hibachi text. You're like, oh, let's do Hibachi, go, hey, man, no. I don't want to do that. So you met a guy that was in the choo-choo train, is one again? So you know how they usually do the volcano with the smoke coming out? Yeah, we know. Sometimes they have the train whistle, which is those long wooden whistles. When you blow through it, it sounds like a train whistle. And then he moves it to make it look like a train is going. And usually the little kids start, you know, they like it, but this grown man was just filming it with his phone. I don't want to go to any restaurant with children

Starting point is 00:26:55 happy. I never want to see a happy child at a restaurant. I want to see miserable children sitting there, angry. Now you have the technology, just give them the phone, put the kid on the phone. Yeah. Put the kid on the phone. The big iPad. Let the kid figure out who they are and what they believe. Well, you have dinner. You don't need to entertain the kids with hibachi anymore. Do kids even like hibachi? They just want to be on the fucking gaming and shit. They want the Shirley Temple and then the rice and you pour all the ginger sauce on it. That's what they do. It sounds heinous. It's never good. Dude, the food is never good. When you, the food at a hibachi place, when you get it, it's kind of like you feel like your refugee.

Starting point is 00:27:37 It's like rice and overcooked shrimp and like an onion. That's how they feed it to you. At the end, they throw the shrimp into your mouth. Yeah, I don't want that. Where everyone opens their mouth like birds and then he goes around and... I don't want that. Someone could choke to death like that. That's an at-risk activity. It's not right, but whatever. I have a specific set of circumstances that I like. I like restaurants where it's starting to develop an elderly fetish. Me and you, aren't we? I could take a little bit.

Starting point is 00:28:10 We really like elderly people. I like elderly people. I like them. They're slow. You know? They're always looking to get the better of you. You have to watch them. They will cut. You have to watch them and there's something I like about that. It keeps me on my toes, but they're slow enough and physically diminutive enough where you can like, if you had to beat one of them up, you could. You're like, I could throw this guy against a wall. Like I was in a Walgreens and I cut. I didn't cut. I just wanted change.

Starting point is 00:28:45 I wanted like change of a 20. I'm like, okay. And then the old guy behind me said, hey, there's a line here. And what was nice about it, I was like, I could turn around and whack this guy in the head right now. She was elderly. I'm like, I could fuck this guy up. He's not like a big strapping in shape guy. I'm like, I could turn around right now and just bitch smack this 83 year old right across his face. I didn't, but it's nice to know that you could. He's also probably might have beat the shit out of me.

Starting point is 00:29:15 He's some like war veteran. He's some old Nazi, some old Florida Nazi that just knows how to fucking Gavin Newsom is going to survive this recall in California. There was a machete attack in Malibu. And I, I, I don't like machete attacks, but I love alliteration. Machete Malibu, family of five. And by the way, I don't want to be, I don't want to like want to hear a story like this. I don't know who I agree with right away. Like, you know, like the, the last thing I want to do, I'm not a prude. I realize every now and then you got to take out the knife, the big knife.

Starting point is 00:29:58 I don't know what's going on here. It says dad loses eye. Hey, it seems, I want to, let's digest all of the facts. Do you promise? We digest all of the facts before we make a snap judgment on the, on these two homeless people. Attacking a family with a machete. Los Angeles County got an argument between a dad and two homeless people on a beach in Malibu took an extremely violent turn over the weekend, ending with the father losing an eye. Well, here's my first thoughts. My first thoughts are this. If you're with your family and you're, and you're like in an argument, walk away. Don't push, right? Yeah. Don't keep pushing. Nobody is happy now.

Starting point is 00:31:04 When you've lost an eye. The family is traumatized beyond belief. Now, I am an advocate for people getting a full hearing. So I want to know what happened here. I'm not, I'm not just going to take the reactionary stance that a machete attack on a family is wrong. I'm not going to do it. People want me to do it, but I, California, this is a very complex place with a lot of layers and we must always dig deep to find out what went on. The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department responded to a call on Dan Blocker Beach on Sunday. Deputies were told a man with four family members when they were approached by two suspects

Starting point is 00:32:05 both believed to be homeless. The two suspects, the two homeless people confronted the dad saying they were not allowed in the area, sparking an argument between the three people. One of the suspects later identified as whoever, I don't want to say their name, whipped at a machete and began slashing the dad multiple times. Both suspects were found and arrested there being charged with attempted murder. I mean, the moral of the story is this. If you're on a beach in Malibu and two homeless people tell you to leave and you're with your family, it's not about being tough. It's not about winning the fight. It's about my kids and my wife are here and I got to get away from that. Now some people would say, homeless people shouldn't live on a beach

Starting point is 00:32:49 with machetes. That is not my position and I want to be clear about that. I want to be clear about this. Saying that homeless people with weapons shouldn't live on the beach would make me a lunatic. You understand? Because where are they going to go? That would be the answer. That would be the question. They go, where are they going to go? Where are they going to go with their machetes? Where are they going to go? Well, the vast majority of homeless people don't have machetes, Tim. That is correct. Thank you, progressive friend. Most of them don't have machetes and they don't take people's eyes out. Thankfully, that is true. Do you think they, well, where are they going to go? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:33:39 Are you saying that homeless people shouldn't set up communities that become open air fentanyl markets where people occasionally get weapons and kill each other? I'm saying there should be a better way. Housing? I don't know. Shut up. Okay. It's a crisis. I don't know how this is happening. The state of California doesn't build any fucking homes. The cost per unit to build homes is absurdly high. I don't know. That's probably environmental or system regulation or whatever. They're setting fires to homeless people and here's the problem. I find that funny. This is why it's hard to be a comedian and a human being. Do you understand? Sometimes being a comic and being human are diametrically opposed to each other because as soon as I hear

Starting point is 00:34:39 a homeless guy starting to fire, we laugh uncontrollably. We've been in the car so many times and as soon as, because I imagine the way it happens, and I don't know if this is true, but I imagine it's kind of a sneak. It's like a guy who looks like this. He looks both ways and then it starts a fire and then I feel like he just scurries away to watch it. That makes me laugh. No, I don't think it's good, but it's funny. It shouldn't happen, but I like it a little. You know what I mean? It's funny. What if we found out the D'Amelio family was starting these fires? Then I'd watch the show. What if Charlie D'Amelio was starting fires all over Los Angeles? She was a pyromaniac and that was because she she said so much of my life is out of my control

Starting point is 00:35:25 and the only thing I can control is these fires and I can start these fires. So late at night, I leave my house and I start fires with homeless people in Malibu. That would be amazing. Perhaps revolutionary, but I don't know if she's doing that, but what if she was doing that? Would I support her? And the answer is probably, but that would make it a very interesting show. Malibu continues to worsen. More crimes and fires have been reported recently, all stemming from transients in the area. This is Fox News. Fox 11 News at 10. The community is holding a meeting Thursday night to discuss public safety concerns in Malibu. Man, I really am angry that I didn't go to that meeting because I wanted to go to that meeting.

Starting point is 00:36:17 Can you imagine me? I would love to go to that meeting. Hello. Many of you know me. I've lived in the community for years. I wouldn't even say my name. I would just say, many of you know me. Many of you know me. I've lived in the community for years. Malibu is a special place. God, I wish I went. I'd just look around and go, Malibu is a special place. That's why we're all here because it's special. Getting, you know, I'd get emotional. I'd be like, it's because it's special. And I'd look, you know, kind of that look and stare at the people. And I'd go, God damn it. I'm sorry, but I'm fucking, I'm mad. I'm angry.

Starting point is 00:37:10 We don't let fires push us out. We don't let traffic stop us. But we got these fucking freaks with machetes. And I'm gonna say freaks. And they've got machetes. They're an army of freaks and they're cutting out people's eyes. And I'm, I'm here to say no. I'm drawing the line. You can't cut my eye out. I'm a good fucking person. And if I want to tell everybody in this room something right now, at one time in my life, I was homeless. It was a weekend in the early 90s. My parents had asked me to leave their home in Montecito because I was quote, acting erratically. Well, what was a young man to do out in the world alone with a valium problem?

Starting point is 00:38:17 I was taking my mother's valium, among other things. My mother is also a drug addict, but it doesn't matter, I guess, because whatever. So I went down to Los Angeles or up to Los Angeles. And I tried to stay with a friend of mine, but it turned out they were out of town. So I slept in my car for a night down by Venice Beach back in the days when it was safe to sleep in your car as a white drug addict who was kicked out of his house in Montecito. I didn't get my eye cut out. I got my dick sucked by a woman or man. It doesn't matter. I've been to therapy. No one's perfect. And we don't have to figure everything out about ourselves.

Starting point is 00:39:10 But sleeping in that car, it was October. It was still pretty toasty. I was given a fish taco by a local bar. Well, I took it and didn't pay. The point is they didn't call the cops. There was a sense of community back then when a drug addict from Montecito could go drive down to Venice or drive up to Venice, steal a fish taco and get his dick sucked by someone still figuring out their gender. I had a little cash. I probably could have afforded a hotel room, but there was something about sleeping in my car that excited me. Well, the next day I decided to strike it out on my own. I left my car and started wandering

Starting point is 00:39:59 around. I'd taken some pretty strong acid. The majority of that day is still a blur to me. I remember knocking over Porto Potty because I thought it was a robot. But not once was my eye taken out by a machete-wielding freak. Okay? I woke up on the beach Sunday morning. I got my car and I drove home to my parents, and I promised them that I would do my own drugs and I wouldn't steal theirs anymore. And I said I would go to the club and not be drunk, and I would go to Yale, and I didn't want to be an artist anymore. And it was the best decision of my life, because artists are weird, very strange people. I can do weird sex shit and not be creative,

Starting point is 00:40:50 and I learned that from a lot of businessmen. So I just want to say at this community meeting in Malibu, fuck this shit, man. I want to fucking, I was a homeless man. And I want to say this, and my daughter disagrees with me, and I don't care, and I still call her my daughter. I don't care what her Instagram says. I'm telling you right now, we need to kill these people and light their corpses on fire. Thank you. That's all I have to say. That's what I would have said. That's what I would have said, and it would have been great. And I think it would have moved hearts and minds. That's that's what I would have said, but I unfortunately, I did not get a chance to speak at the Malibu

Starting point is 00:41:36 board meeting. Had fun last night at the comedy store performing near the audience. It was great. The audience was great. Tonight, Hollywood Improv, all that by the time you see this, that will have passed. Corpus Christi, Texas, right? Please buy tickets to these shows, folks. Corpus Christi, Texas. What is Corpus Christi, Texas? Just please buy tickets to the goddamn shows. September 9th, 10th, and 11th. September 9th, 10th, and 11th. It's the weekend of 9-11. Hot ticket. Tim Dillon in Corpus Christi, Texas, weekend of 9-11, man. That is a hot ticket. I'm at Mesquite Street Comedy. I don't know what that is, but I'm going to be there. It's a pizzeria where I believe there's comedy. Good.

Starting point is 00:42:37 We're announcing a big theater tour next week. We're going to all the places that you always say we should go. We're finishing out the year here with a great tour, and we're very excited we're announcing it next week because our agent says that we can't announce it after Labor Day because it's a wash. But we're announcing it, and we're very excited about it. And if you haven't seen this show live, it's a great show. We don't do the podcast live. It's stand-up. But Ben will be on most of the dates. You might bring him out on stage in the theater and whatever. Also, The Beacon, which Ben will be at The Beacon, and he will be on stage because in addition to stand-up comedy at The Beacon Theater, we're doing a live podcast at The Beacon Theater

Starting point is 00:43:25 in New York City on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. We've sold well over 2,000 tickets, but there are tickets left to The Beacon. If you want to come and be a part of a history, his story, history, his story, you want to be a part of it. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be exciting. We might try to get Ray Kump up there. We're going to really try to do things for the live show. We wanted to interview Rogan, but he's dead now. So what am I going to do with all of that? What else is going on in the world, by the way? Did you see this in the Atlantic? What else were you speaking? You were talking about something earlier today. Did you see this in Australia, what they have to do with the... The Australians have lost it.

Starting point is 00:44:15 This is in South Australia specifically. Look at this right here. Whatever... Let me tell you something right now. Whatever disturbs you about the Australian lockdown, they like it. They don't care. They're building forts in their houses, drunk. I keep reading that four and five for the lockdown. They really do like it. They want it. They like... If you told those people, they don't have to go to work, it's like walking into a clinic of anorexics and going, no food today, ladies. It's... I mean, I mean, and man, I'm sure there's male anorexics, but that's what it is. It's walking into a clinic of anorexics and going, you're not going to believe this, but there's a storm coming. We can't grub hub anything and the

Starting point is 00:45:04 oven's broke, so we're going without tonight. They're thrilled. The people in Australia are thrilled by this. They're building forts in their house, drunk. The state will text them at random times and therefore they will have 15 minutes to take a picture of their face in the location where they're supposed to be. This is straight up black mirror. Who knew Australia? They're the healthy country. They eat grilled vegetables and shrimp. They're the country that's going this crazy. Quote, I think every South Australian should feel pretty proud that we're the national pilot for the home base quarantine app. They've lost their minds. You know, my aunts lost their mind. I told her at COVID, they were on vacation. She just wouldn't stop talking about COVID.

Starting point is 00:45:53 And then she started talking about women in Afghanistan. It's so predictable. The boomer brain bleed is very predictable. Like the boomer is like, it's like you program the boomer, you know. COVID, COVID is here. New strains are coming. Women in Afghanistan cannot read. This is after 15 years of not paying any attention to Afghanistan, having no thoughts about it. But now she's offended at the women in Afghanistan because the women in Afghanistan, because boomers need a tragedy. They need, they cannot go through a dinner or a weekend without a tragedy. So COVID will come up and then if not COVID, they go, you know, women in Afghanistan are having their clits lobbed off and you're like, can we eat a fucking lobster roll? We're on summer vacation. Can you stop?

Starting point is 00:46:45 You don't give a shit about the women in Afghanistan. Can you stop playing around? I don't know that many women in Afghanistan. I probably don't even get along with them. I don't get along with that many women in America. I'm not saying you should have their clits lobbed off, but I'm also, you know, this newfound, we're old sorry for the women in Afghanistan. And I don't agree that they banned abortion in Texas at like 3 a.m. and now they have this new law where you have to inform and rat on people. This is the Republicans love rats too, man. This idea that only liberals are rats, informing on anybody, the private health individuals, including anti-abortion activists with no connection to patients, can now be sued.

Starting point is 00:47:34 I'm sorry, anti-abortion activists with no connection to patients can now sue anyone who they believe is providing abortion or assisting someone in accessing abortion after six weeks. This could include health care workers, clergy, rideshare drivers. So just, hey, and then there's like some part of the law where they give you a $10,000 bounty or something. So you're supposed to be hunting down members. Oh, here. The law doesn't just allow these lawsuits. It actively encourages private individuals to act as bounty hunters, awarding them at least $10,000 if they're successful. So if you rat on someone that's providing someone an abortion at six and a half weeks, seven weeks, whatever, you get $10,000. This flies in the face of all of these people.

Starting point is 00:48:17 Remember during COVID, we're all like to stop the ratting. Stop ratting on your friend who ran into the Capitol dome. Stop ratting, period. Mind your fucking business. This flies in the face of that. This flies in the face of that completely. Not only is it a restrictive law that restricts a boy. No, listen, I don't know. There's so many pills and condoms now. You should be able to kind of avoid, but a lot of women don't know they're pregnant within six weeks. You have a wife. What is the deal with that? With getting pregnant? Sort of, yeah. No, but people know, they're saying, I don't, I don't, I can't be involved with the, with what's happening here. I've never gotten someone pregnant. Never. Never. I was scared. There was a scare.

Starting point is 00:49:12 There was a scare. Not that I'd gotten someone pregnant, but that I accidentally performed an abortion because I fought a pregnant woman once. But so there was a scare, but the baby is fine. Little slow when you talk to him, but fine. What I'm saying is you have sex with your wife. Does she get pregnant all the time? And do you flush them? Why doesn't she get pregnant? You have the ovulation app that you track, so you know when a woman is, if they're not on the pill, then you know when they're going to ovulate. So that's a, there's a small window when a woman can actually get pregnant. And that doesn't mean you should play games or roll the dice, but you, but a woman should be able to

Starting point is 00:49:58 track these things at this point. Women can only get pregnant for a small window. Yeah, when they're ovulating. You know, all we hear is how magical these women are. I don't, I don't get it. Trans women can get pregnant whenever. I should get pregnant. I should have a baby. Like implanted in me. Can that happen? Not that I've seen. I saw Pete Buttigieg and Chaston just had two babies. Well, but they're adopted them. I could adopt a kid. That's fucking easy. Yeah. Who wants that? I want my own genes passed through. I don't give a fuck about some kid that needs a home. I'm talking about passing on my fucking talent. I need a kid that's going to do this show when I'm dead in three years. What, what, what, what are we going to,

Starting point is 00:50:45 I don't care about adopting a kid, some sad sack of shit whose drug addict mother couldn't keep them. I want my own fucking genes, my fucking talent. I got to find a surrogate. Yeah. Legit. I got to find a surrogate to, to groom an heir, a successor to this Patreon dynasty. What kind of woman would you choose? Very good looking, southern, nose or place, obedient, not right. A big titted, blonde, retarded southern woman. Yeah, I tried why, I tried why. Suburbs of Dallas, ding dong. Big tits. Yeah. Not a thought in her head because nothing would get in the way of my genes. She would just provide the physical infrastructure for my genes to get passed to the child so he could yell and scream. Now, Chasen and Chasen and Biggle, who's his name,

Starting point is 00:51:48 Biggle? Buttigieg. Biggle's B. Buttigieg is having, what kind of kids do they have? Are they white? Let's see. The picture is black and white. I wonder if that was intentional. Of course it was. What kind of children are, what is the race of the children? My godson is half Asian. We should get him on the show. I want my godson to come in here right now. He's a quarter Chinese. Do you know I found that out? He is a quarter Chinese. His mother is half Chinese. He's a quarter Chinese. That's great news. I want him to be half. I want him to be Penelope Rose and Joseph August. What does that mean? What do you think? You can see the tips of their heads here. They look like white babies to me. I'm saying bring them to the studio in WeHo.

Starting point is 00:52:37 I want to put this Asian on the, on the, on the, he's a killer. He's very cute. They look white to me. I don't know about, I don't know what you're thinking. Well, I'm happy for them. I mean, listen, good for them. The CIA also needs children. Oh, they're also parents of two dogs, Truman and Buddy. By the way, if you have more than two dogs, cut it out, right? Like did the million of four or five dogs cut it out with that? It's, it's a zoo. Two dogs and that's enough and that's too much. Not five or six dogs. There's something wrong. Right? Yeah. I mean, the one person we know has six dogs is, you know, Michelle. Oh, well, no, but Michelle keeps killing them. You know,

Starting point is 00:53:22 Michelle, they remember, remember her maid killed the dog? Oh yeah. Her maid killed that little dog. The great thing about Michelle is Michelle, because she's such a bad parent of the animals, is that every year or two, one of them dies. So that's good because it keeps them down. Keeps the numbers down, but you know, over five dogs is just ridiculous. I think Whitney has five at this point. You know, Whitney doesn't even know what's going on. You know, I mean, it's like, I mean, talk about Ivermectin. That, that one, she's like making fun of,

Starting point is 00:54:05 she was like, I was on a phone or she's like, talk about Ivermectin being for horses. I'm like, your whole thing is horses. That's your whole thing. Shouldn't you be supportive of this? How can I find a story? If you, let's get a surrogate for me on the show. Well, it said they were trying for a year to adopt. So I think it's going to be easier to do a surrogate than adopting because adopting takes a bit. Here's the reason that it's harder for them to adopt. It's because, like, I think adoption is very difficult in this country anyway. But I think I would be able to adopt because I have the profile of someone that you want raising a child. You understand?

Starting point is 00:54:52 Mm-hmm. So I'm not gay. I just have sex with men. I'm not gay. I'm not in the government. I don't work for the central intelligence. It's weird that because he works for the CIA. Of course. And it's odd that he, they, you know, they can't just give him one of the MK kids, but nobody wants that. Nobody wants some drone at breakfast, some Rosemary Kennedy drone, eat note meal. You go, yeah, this is one of the kids that we just let loose for the military. Here's one of the stranger things, kids. Raise them. By the way, when does that shit show come back? Oh, I saw the next season was, by the way,

Starting point is 00:55:30 stop pretending you care about Ozark. By the time Ozark comes back, I'm going to watch it. But don't ever mention Ozark in the same way, in the same sentence as the Sopranos again. I will, I will kill the person who does that mentions it in the same sentence as the wire. Ozark, it's a clown festival. The writing's atrocious and the acting, Laura Linney and Bateman do a great job. The kids do a good job too, but the writing's goofy. It's downright silly. One of the kids is a fan of the show or used to be the meth kid. The tall skinny kid looks, you know, looks like he's a meth head. Yeah. And the girl listening to the show too, I think, with the one who looked kind of like Laura Linney.

Starting point is 00:56:21 Okay. But the reality is it's not good. The show's not good. And none of you should have careers after that, in my opinion. None of you should have careers. Stranger things. When does this come out? It says 2022. Who gives up? They're all 38. They're all 40. Yeah, what is it? Millie Bobby Brown? How old is she now? I don't know. She's like elder. 17 now. She's elderly. You know what? I don't like that Finn Wolford. I don't trust him. Finn Wolford? Yeah. Oh, this guy. Yeah, I don't like it. I just don't trust him. He's untrustworthy. I don't know why. Yeah, I don't know. He seems like someone who would steal from your house. And then he seemed like someone who'd take things. He'd like take things that he didn't

Starting point is 00:57:16 even want. He has a look of someone who would take things he didn't want or need and then dispose of them later. I could be wrong and yet I never am. I never am. When I said Charlie D'Amelio is a pyromaniac and she's lighting fires with homeless people in Malibu, I'm probably correct. I don't know why. I like the fire. I like to watch the smoke. I'm sorry. You've jeopardized everything. This whole fucking family. You're supposed to dance and we make millions of dollars. Now you're fucking starting fires in Malibu? I like to feel and it makes me feel. No one knows I like the fires, so they can't comment. They can't say she didn't even really like the fire. I bet she's fake. I bet the fires, she didn't even light it. I bet someone else lit it.

Starting point is 00:58:13 I can't fucking believe this. My daughter's lighting fires in Malibu. I hope, I hope to God she is. What if Charlie D'Amelio immediately, when she was legal at 18, started dating OJ Simpson? Like if they, hey, D'Amelio family, you probably don't listen to this. I don't blame you, but listen up. If you want to be big, Kardashian level big, one of your daughters has to date OJ, Dixie, whoever. Whenever they're legal, they have to date OJ Simpson, dump that other kid and date OJ. If you want to hit show, if you don't want to hit show, oh, Dixie's 20. I thought she was the younger one. No, she's older and she needs to start

Starting point is 00:59:07 dating OJ Simpson to make the show interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would watch that every day. I would fight people and lose, maybe, who prevented me from watching that show, where OJ Simpson and Dixie D'Amelio dated. I mean, it's gotta be legit. Like, I like OJ, like the father's gotta be like, OJ's, he's nothing but good to Dixie. He supports her music career and the mother's gotta be like, you know, he supports her and my kids, I want them supporting OJ supports. Charlie goes, well, OJ is a lot older than Dixie, but he's been like an older brother to me. He shows me how to throw a football. I really love OJ. Sometimes people on the internet say bad things about OJ, but I don't believe them,

Starting point is 01:00:04 because sometimes people on the internet say bad things about me, but I like OJ. I can't believe it. My daughter in Malibu, they're saying you attacked a family with a machete. Are you cut out some guys eye? No, I did it. You have to believe me. Well, we all thought tiktok was going to be over. We all thought the pandemic was over. And here we are, fall of 2021. These kids own our lives. And the pandemic, we have a variant a week here coming in. So I guess it just never ends. You're living in the demilio variant. There's nothing you can do. Tiktok's not going anywhere. Bryce Hall's going to be elected the governor of California. And there's just going to be a new variant every week. So there's nothing

Starting point is 01:01:01 you could do. We're in the futures now. We're here. It doesn't seem to be changing. But hey, it's what we deserve. Truly. Like this is the type of show that you get. But and I don't even mind it. I just have ways to make it better. The father has to cheat on the mother with it and start banging an 18 year old tiktoker. Dixie has to start dating OJ Simpson. Charlie has to start starting fires in Malibu with homeless people. That's what has to happen. That's what has to happen. Little Huddy has to admit he's actually a vampire and that he can only come if he's drinking blood. He has to admit that he has a blood fetish. Then I will watch the show. TimDillonComedy.com, our big tour is being

Starting point is 01:02:14 announced in two weeks. No, a week. A week. It's being announced in a week. TimDillonComedy.com, grab those tickets to Corpus Christi, Texas. Also, Baltimore, Maryland and Magoobies, I believe that sold out. God, I don't want to go there. I love it. I'm kidding. I love it, Crab. We've got a big deal. Ontario, California, the Ontario Improv. That's a hellscape, but come out there. But we've got a big theater in LA too. We're playing the night after Thanksgiving. I know I shouldn't be announcing it, but the night after Thanksgiving, we have a very big theater in LA that we're doing. We're very excited to do it. It is what it is. Get those dates out of here. Do you have anything to plug? I always plug everything I'm doing, but I forget that you have a very

Starting point is 01:03:03 interesting life. You can follow me on Instagram at Ben Avery's Good. You have breakdowns every now and then where you like put up like this is the drip and you put up like you're in a shirt or something. I thought it was funny. Yeah. And then if you follow me on Twitter at same handle, I post usually links to the Patreon episodes there. Oh, good. Are you going to see your wife? She's out in LA right now. Is she watching the kids? Watching the kids, but tomorrow we're all going to go to dinner. Me and my brother, you. Don't tell people what we're doing. People know they're going to show up and try to kill me for negatively talking about it.

Starting point is 01:03:44 And by the way, I don't even, I just want to help the demilia. Yeah. I'm only trying to ever help. I want you to have a big show, but you have to let me help. Man, if OJ came in and like helped start the fires. Oh my God. If OJ, if Dixie was singing to OJ. And the song is called second chances and she's like second chances. You know how Dixie sings. She's actually not a horrible singer. She's pretty decent. And she goes second chances. Sometimes it's, you know, they write songs at five minutes. These idiots, you know, the people that write the songs and just hand them to her on her phone and she reads it. She's like second chances. Second chances. Give Vanessa the address to bring rolling. Second chances.

Starting point is 01:04:32 I love you. And you just say OJ just like singing along. He's just bobbing his head. And she's like, I don't care what they say about you. I don't care what they say that you've done. I love you. I love you so much. Second chances. And then OJ's in the back just like, yeah. And Charlie's like, Dixie's really killing it. She's killing it. And she's like, and she's like, and then the series, it ends like this, right? She's fighting with her parents and she's like, I'm having OJ's baby. That's the way to fucking wrap up a season. Dixie goes, I'm having OJ's baby. And then OJ, and OJ has to kill Noah Beck, who she dates, the tiktok guy. OJ has to kill him, but it's not proven. And it's like, she's like, I don't care that they say you killed Noah Beck.

Starting point is 01:05:27 He might have. So again, it's just, I have so much creative, constructive criticism for that family. You know, if whatever feels like it's too much, you know, then the father has to still say that. He still has to say that once everything's crazy. Like Dixie's dating OJ, right? She's having OJ's baby. Charlie's in jail for lighting the Malibu fire. And the father has to look at the camera and go, you know, if it ever gets too much, I'll just take him back to Connecticut. If it ever gets too much, but we're going to get through it together as a family. You know, grab some tickets, folks. Patreon.com slash Tim Dillon show. If you want the bonus content, we post one episode a week on Tuesday. And then for a higher tier, we do an extra

Starting point is 01:06:24 video episode every month as well. Patreon.com slash Tim Dillon show. Amaze at the success on that. And it's how many people have connected with the show and like the show. And who knows, maybe this advice will get to the right ears and something really good can happen. I hope so. RIP Joe. I miss him. I miss him dearly. But this is what happens in life. In life, we all have challenges, right? And it's hard to know what the root is going to be. No one knows the day it ends. You just live a good life while you're here. Isn't it the truth? You just live a good life while you're here. And he did that. And RIP to him. And when Spotify will finally admit that he is not with us anymore, I'm sure we will do a memorial of, you know,

Starting point is 01:07:33 sure, Chaka Willink will speak. David Goggins will run backwards to the funeral. Just David Goggins running backwards. Jordan Peterson just weeping. There's nothing wrong with weeping. He's just crying. Michaela Peterson there. Just sitting in the front row eating salted pork snack. Just eating, you know, dried meat. Just staring at the casket, you know. Tony Hemsko sitting there in a cowboy hat. Just a whole cowboy outfit. Me and you sitting there in the back. You know, Barry Weiss, you know, sitting there wrapped in the flag of Israel. I mean, just, you know, Bernie Sanders, like, motherfucker, this guy endorsed me. He endorsed the most left-wing candidate for president ever. And then the Elizabeth Warren liberals called

Starting point is 01:08:34 him a racist transfer. Bernie just shows up, you know. Brendan Schaub is there. Everybody's there, you know. So I imagine that's what will happen when we can finally, when this information is out there. Would Jamie be there? Jamie would be on the run. Because Jamie's lost his mind. Do you think when Joe retires, Jamie thinks he's going to get into the seat and be like, all right, everybody, let's go. Now what you've been really waiting for, the Jamie experience. No, you pull it up. He turns around. He's like, I bet in the studio, like late at night, when Joe's gone, Jamie just sits in the chair and goes, you pull it the fuck up. Fuck up. You pull it up. How about that? You pull it up.

Starting point is 01:09:38 Other action, man. All right, folks, go find us on the internet. Goodbye.

The Tim Dillon Show - 267 - The D'Amelio Variant

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