The Tim Dillon Show - 280 - Nervous Neurotic Animal

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Tim Dillon (Miami native) was disgusted by the TwentySomethings Netflix show, talks about potentially working for the Minecraft zoomers (shoutout to Dream and Ranboo), why they couldn't keep doing the Undercover Boss show with actual ceo's, and the way the media reported on Waukesha, Wisconsin. Bonus episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow See Tim Live on the road: ▶▶ http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 🩳 UNDERWEAR: Order with PROMO CODE Tim ▶▶ https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ 🔒 VPN: Get three months free ▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon 🥣 CEREAL: Use code TimDillon for free shipping! ▶▶ https://magicspoon.com/timdillon 🔵 BLUE CHEW : Use promo TD ▶▶ https://bluechew.com/ 🤖 MANSCAPED: Use code TIMD ▶▶ https://www.manscaped.com/ 👨‍🦱 HAIR LOSS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon 📦 SHIPPING: Enter code TIMDILLON ▶▶ https://www.shipstation.com/ 🎧 HEADPHONES: For 15% off! ▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim 🤳 COLOGNE AND SKINCARE: Use code TIM ▶▶ https://hawthorne.co/ 🛏️ BEDS: ▶▶ https://helixsleep.com/timdillon 🚗 INSURANCE: ▶▶ https://gabi.com/timdillon 🚬 QUIT SMOKING: Use code TIM: ▶▶ https://lucy.co 💆THERAPY ▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD 📦 BOX OF AWESOME ▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% off 💊 MASF SUPPLEMENTS ▶▶ https://masfsupplements.com/ use code TIMD for 10% OFF 🧴 DUKE CANNON DEODERANT ▶▶ https://dukecannon.com/ use code DILLON for 10% off 💍 NORTHBANDS RINGS ▶▶ https://www.northbands.com/ use promo code TIM for 20% off CERTIFIED PIEDMONTESE BEEF ▶▶ 25% OFF with discount code TIMDILLON at https://www.cpbeef.com HELLO FRESH ▶▶ Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/timdillon12 for 12 free meals including free shipping! GET ACRE GOLD and start investing in physical Gold today! ▶▶ https://www.GetAcreGold.com/TimDillon MAKE CRYPTO SIMPLE! ▶▶ Visit https://Dchained.com/Inner-Circle and sign-up today. BIRD DOGS! ▶▶ https://www.birddogs.com/ use code TIMDILLON DOORDASH ▶▶ Download the Doordash app and enter code TIMDILLON to get 25% off. SIMPLI SAFE ▶▶ https://simplisafe.com/timdillon to save 20% DRAFTKINGS ▶▶ Download DraftKings app and use the code TIMDILLON to get a free shot at a one million dollar prize CROWDHEALTH ▶▶Just go to https://JoinCrowdHealth.com/fit and enter code TIMDILLON at sign up. That’s 30 days to try risk free plus the Fitness Wearable. WATCH GANG ▶▶ https://watchgang.com promo code TIM to save 20% PHILO TV ▶▶ https://philo.tv/timdillon Get 25% off your first two months! MINT MOBILE ▶▶ https://mintmobile.com/timdillon Get your new wireless bill for 15 bucks a month! VERSUS GAME ▶▶ https://apps.apple.com/us/app/versusgame/id1536931360 Get five dollars toward your first bet use code TIM! LIGHTSTREAM ▶▶ https://lightstream.com/timdillon Save with a credit card consolidation loan! ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   ▶▶ Ed McMahon [e-mail] https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We apologize for no video today. We had a setback with our new studio. It went on fire. It was burned down by Antifa. The Antifa burned down our studio. They were young children dressed in black. They came in.

They threw Molotov cocktails through the window. They beat me pretty badly. I don't think Ben was in on it, but I can't know. So we're doing an internal investigation. It was a little weird. Ben did let them in, much like the Capitol riot. He's now claiming that he didn't know they were dangerous. But they did not harm him, not a hair on his head.

I was beaten, and the studio was destroyed. So we are again here one day late with an audio-only episode. All right, I'm going to admit it. That's a lie. That didn't happen. The reason that we have audio only is because we are at the end of a tour that has been a blood sport.

Now, I know you people don't care, and this is free. And you say to yourself, well, you make money on Patreon. Yeah, but this ain't that. And that's not late. This is free. You get what people get when they get free. And the tour, we were on five planes in four days. We are wrapping this up.

It's over soon. We're going to do one tour a year. I'm going to be out doing comedy clubs throughout the year. But we do one tour a year in theaters, thanks to everybody who bought a ticket. And that tour is going to be the next tour. We'll be next fall. And we'll do October, November, December, a little bit of Jan.

And then we shut it down. And by that time, we'll have the studio. Well, we should have it by January, right? Yeah, by early January. What's going on with it? People think you're lying. No, our guy, Mr. Pizza, he's building a great studio. We're in contact every day.

But when you say Mr. Pizza, people think we're dealing with a pedophile. So, but his name is actually Pizza. His last name is Pizza. It's actually his last name. And all he eats is salmon. And broccoli. Odd.

But this gentleman, who you've entrusted our life to. He built the first studio with the neon signs. Which everybody loved. He did a great job. Iconic set. Yes, sure. And now we have the new one. And you're saying, when is the date?

Give us a date. Stop pushing things back. Stop blaming the supply chain. Start taking responsibility for what you should be doing. The first week of January, I have full confidence that we'll be up and running. We have everything ordered. We have everything planned out.

We have the keys. It is real. Some people stopped me in the street in Atlanta and accused me of lying about this whole order. They should have stabbed you to make a point. If you stop him in the street, physically maim him. Because he doesn't respond well to anything other than physical force.

But by the time we're on a tour like this next year, hopefully we will have a studio that allows us to be a little more consistent. And it will be a less intense tour. We'll have more time to. This was crazy. Every comic in America was booking venues. You had to take what you can get.

This thing was routed crazy. We're here. We're there. But we're winding down now. And the UK thing, you know, listen, it's not looking good. And we would love to go. It doesn't look good. I don't want to get stuck in the UK.

This Omicron or whatever it is, they're at level four. They may be going to level five, you know. So we're playing it by ear. But the fear is that we are going to be in a situation where we may have to push those dates down the road. Boris Johnson saying pub shops and restaurants will probably be forced to shut in January, as it were.

Boris Johnson delivering the bad news. Austin, Texas, where we find ourselves right now. Yes. The worst city in America or the worst city in the world. That is the question. I should tweet that. And fuck Elon Musk if he doesn't like it. And I love my friend Joe Rogan.

But you know what? If he doesn't like it, he can go scratch, too. Because this was the worst idea ever. Let's move a bunch of libertarian billionaires who don't care about anyone but themselves to a city and see if they can create a thriving community. Well, it didn't work. Did it.

You've got a bunch of billionaires here with their own armies and their own apps. And then you've got everybody else wandering around in the streets killing each other. Austin, I've spent a year here. I've lived here for a year. We are nearing the end of that. And just to add insult to repeated injury, Netflix.

And you know I love Netflix. I love Netflix. I love that they won't give me a special. I love that they don't care how many tickets I've sold. They don't care that I've done a special on their platform. They offered me a half hour. I turned it down. Although Watch, Norman, I love Mark.

And I love Brian Simpson and Naomi Paragon. There's some really funny people doing that. But I said, no, we're going to do an hour or we're not doing anything. And then they said, no, no, no. We don't have the time for that. We don't have the space.

And I'm like, isn't it the internet? Don't you have unlimited space? Literally unlimited. So I love Netflix. And I'm not doing their Netflix comedy festival. Every American, every comic in the United States is doing that festival. I'm just not going to do it.

I'm sitting it out. But Netflix, and listen, here's what I will say about Netflix. They have made, how long has Netflix been around? Like 2008. Get the exact number on that. Because I will give credit where credit is due to Netflix. It was founded in 97, actually. OK.

Let's just say in the last 15 years, Netflix has made six or seven watchable things, which I appreciate as a consumer, right? Yeah. I think that's good. Every two and a half to three years on average, they make something that you can watch. And I think that's good.

Here's what I will say about the new program that I binge watched the other day. It's called 20-somethings Austin, Texas. If there was a show designed to make me physically ill and also give me more pleasure than I knew possible, it is the show 20-somethings Austin, Texas. Now, you guessed it. The show is a real world rip-off where Netflix moved

four women and four men, self-identified, into two Airbnbs next to each other in a gentrifying area of Austin, Texas. Ironically, we stayed at one of these Airbnbs. I believe we did, yeah. The night before, I had that sit down with Joe Rogan and Alex Jones. Netflix moved these people into Austin, Texas

because they wanted to reinvent themselves. They wanted to realize their dreams. One of them moved to do stand-up comedy. One of them moved to be gay, literally. A guy who said, I don't know how to be gay. I came out late. I want to learn how to be gay. And one of the moved to be a whore,

one of the moved to model. And the model's not that good-looking and the stand-up isn't funny. It's Austin, right? So we've got C and D-level people flocking to this city, I guess, in Texas to take advantage of this growing, glistening city on the hill, as promised by Elon Musk.

And all of these people are showcased in this Netflix show. And you see them, and the entire show, of course, is about people imbibing in alcohol, because that is the only thing to do here, is to drink yourself to death. And these people come, and they drink, and they try to get jobs, and they can't get jobs. And they are then forced to, they're in the dating scene,

and they are going on dates, and they're going to these little shitty Austin bars. They're riding mechanical bulls, and they are coming out of the closet. And the show is so painfully sad. It is sad. It is sad because the city of Austin, Texas, is a lie. And the people that are falling for the lie

are, they're impossible to pity. They're impossible to feel bad for. You cannot have any feeling other than slowly watching them become the type of person that likes this place, which is a drunken loser. There is no very few exceptions to that rule. And watching this show, watching these people fail at bartending, watching these people try

to have intrapersonal relationships with each other, they all seem to be somewhat relatively their novices to life. I mean, it's college, except they're all in their mid to late 20s. And they don't know how to relate to other people, and they don't get it. And this is the city for them.

It is a city for people that are behind. People that are behind. They're not out in front. They're not winning the race. They are behind. And they're moving here to assume this identity of this free, like all these people are like, I'm going to be in Austin. I just want to be free.

I just want to do what I want. You can do what you want anywhere, dummy. What you're saying is, you want to do what you want, and you want it to work because it never worked anywhere else. That's what it is. I want to be free to make horrible decisions and have them work out.

That's what they want. I want to be free. I'm a free spirit. I'm about me. I'm about me. What do you think they were about where they came from? Others? They were about them there, and they failed miserably there

because you can't just be about you if you is shit. If what you're selling is shit, then you can't be about you. You got to be about another version of you. But you see with the show, and I watched all of the episodes pretty much. I have a few left to go, and I will stay with it because I think maybe at the end there'll be, I don't know, a fire or something that really

speaks to me. But it's amazing. People here have the same crackpot idea. I love Joe to death, but when Joe's like, I like Austin because LA's a bunch of people trying to get famous, it's like your friends are Elon Musk. He doesn't exactly eschew the spotlight. He lives in an area with people like Sandra Bullock.

I mean, these are not simple country people. This idea that like, I'm just a simple country man. I'm a simple country man. I'm here in Texas with Sandra Bullock and Elon Musk, two simple country people. That's not what it is. People in Austin are more self-important and more fame hungry than anyone in LA.

Truly, truly, this idea of LA is not even real. Yes, does everyone want to be famous in LA? Sure, but at least some of them have a fucking shot. At least some of them are fucking hot. At least some of them know how to play the game. You come here, these people want the same notoriety, the same fame, they want money, and yet they are all completely incapable of getting

anywhere near that goal. It's a hellscape. It's a pit. Truly a pit. I'm not going to spend the whole thing on this, but just watch the show. If you think I am wrong, watch the show. I've been in Miami looking at condos

because I'm Afro-Latino, which means that I am black, but I am not African-American. I was raised in Santo Domingo, and I am Dominican, and I'm Afro-Latino. I am going to be pursuing Compa, which is the music of Little Haiti. As someone who is Afro-Latino, I no longer want to live in a white society like Austin, Texas,

with Ben, who doesn't like or understand Miami because when I dress in Balenciaga, he thinks I look stupid, but he looks like a golfer with AIDS. He looks like a golfer who sucks cock on the side and got a mouthful of AIDS in his bloody gums, and he's going to drop fucking dead. So when I go to Miami and look like the shit

and inspire men, women, and children, and everyone in between, Ben gets threatened by it because he wants to be on a fucking golf tee, sucking someone off because he looks like a golfer with human immunodeficiency virus. Truly, he just wears these baggy clothes. He looks like all his shirts hide AIDS lesions. So he says, oh, you look so stupid.

But actually, no, you dumb bitch. I don't look stupid. You look stupid because you're stupid white piece of shit. But I'm Afro-Latino. It's true. I can say the n-word, but I will not. But I will not. I'm not going to, but I can.

Because I am an other, and that's why I feel comfortable in Miami because that is where my culture is. So I was looking at condos in Miami because other than being in LA, I want somewhere outside of LA to go, and it's not going to be this pit. We just had the best tacos in Austin.

Man, they were fine. Yeah, good. Fine. Good. Why is Taco Bell some of the best Mexican food you have? Because food is an idea. Do you understand what I mean? Tacos are an idea.

Tacos are about freedom. All these people moving to Austin, just have a taco. That's all you want to do. You just want to get drunk and have a taco outside. That's the entire city. You don't have to buy a plane ticket. Just get drunk. Buy a taco and eat it in a place that is not

enclosed with a roof because that's all you have to do. But Taco Bell is so good because it's an idea. It's the idea of freedom. It's the idea of fuck it. Tacos are about fuck it. Austin, fuck it. I'm going to be free. I'm having a taco.

I don't care. I'm fun. I'm fun and flirty. I'm going to have a handheld, crunchy thing because I'm fun and I'm flirty and we're eating outside because there are no rules. I'm 38 years old and it's time to start living my life in Austin, Texas.

I want some fucking young dude from UT to go down on my old gnarled puss with his fucking beer breath. And I want him to lick my snatch and then throw his half card average size cock in and out of me on this futon in a gentrifying neighborhood and I want to come to the sound of gunshots. And then I want to wake up tomorrow, eat brisket

and do it all over again. No, thank you. I'm Afro-Latino and I'm leaving. I'm truly Afro-Latino. I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I love Miami. They like me too. They don't give a shit.

People asses are out, tits are out. They're like, what is me too? Throw me into a wall. Fuck me. It's a sexy city. Austin is sex less. Miami is white marble floors in cocaine. People trying to fuck each other.

Austin, Texas is a, is the sex in Austin, Texas and I've had some of it. It is sad. It's, you just keep thinking about, one of the guys I went out with literally said to me, I came out as gay. My parents had an exorcism on me, but I didn't care I was high as shit.

So that's the caliber of human being. Another guy I hung out with said, I came out as gay and my father drove me around and said, you're going to burn in hell. And I didn't say anything. He drove me around in his car and then let me out. So everybody here has a little bit of baggage. And the sex here is just,

it's that kind of gross, like weird collegiate sex without any of the heat that you'd imagine young college people fucking has. It just, it's like sex that is, you're trying to fuck your way into being someone you're not. Like you're like, cause everybody's putting so much pressure

on themselves here to have experiences because life is about me. So when you're hooking up with somebody here, they're really trying. Have you ever hooked up with someone who's really trying? Like they're really trying to a point where it's like, calm down, stop it. No one kisses like that.

People are crazy here. They're just really trying to have this animalistic experience, but it's really, it's not animalistic in a good way. It's roadkill. It's roadkill sex. Whereas Miami is sexy. People like me that are international.

People look at me, they don't think American, they think international. That I'm an international person. I work on my body, I work on the way I look. I have an international flair. I will start wearing skin tight cat suits. I will start wearing eight inch heels. I don't care if you don't want to be my fan anymore.

This is going to be my future. Because I'm out. I'm leaving the world of discussions and debates and point counterpoint. I'm done with all that shit. I'm going to put my pussy on the street in a Balenciaga onesie and probably start smoking crystal.

Because this country's finished and there's absolutely no point in debating anybody about fucking anything anymore. Just go out and have some goddamn fun, but not in Texas or not in Austin at least. Go to Dallas, suck off some CFO. But not here. Rogan had that guy on the COVID guy

and he made a lot of good points about like- Dr. Peter McCullough. Whatever, and he made some good points. Who cares? I get it, what are we doing? We're going to do citations. We're going to do sources now. Dr. Peter!

Yeah, whatever. We got that guy on. And he's talking about an early treatment protocol, which by the way, I'm all four, right? Like, it's weird how they've demonized like every, you know, if somebody goes, hey, I took a hydroxychloroquine or Ivermectin and it worked, people go, no it didn't.

You go, wait a minute, what? These are the same people that tells you you have to honor everybody's lived experience if they identify as another gender throughout the day, several times, because their gender fluid. So you have to honor that. I'm a man at breakfast and a woman at lunch, but if you take Ivermectin and it worked

and you say that, all of a sudden your lived experience doesn't mean a whole bunch of shit and you should shut the fuck up. So it is weird. That being said, most people, you can't get on an early COVID regimen because a lot of people do not have healthcare. They do not have a doctor.

They do not have a regular doctor that they know and trust. They do not go to the doctor or hospital because they're afraid of how much it will cost them. They also can't take time off at work because all of these companies like Walmart and Kellogg's, all the corporations that conservatives love, they hate Pfizer or Moderna, but they think it's great that Walmart pays people

in pop tarts and they don't say a peep about Kellogg's firing all those people who went on strike just so they could see their kids at Thanksgiving. They say, yeah, fuck that shit. Keep making fruit loops or die, okay? So all of these corporations, by the way, seemingly have an agenda that's not exactly pro-worker and nobody cares unless it's Pfizer or Moderna.

And nobody's like, hey, maybe multinational conglomerates, they're in bed with the government. Truly the most powerful entities to have ever existed in human history should not including tech, everything, all of these conglomerates should probably not run rough shot over everybody's rights. And people should have some dignity

and a standard of living in healthcare, but as soon as you bring that up, people are like, shut the fuck up. Like your early COVID protocol would be great if people went to the doctor when they were sick instead of showing up to work because they will be fired if they take a day off. And they're scared of how much it's gonna cost them.

That doesn't mean that there's not some nefarious profit scheme on the side of Pfizer, but it's a systemic issue here. It's a little bigger than just saying like, oh yeah, well, people should get on these things earlier. Sure, yes, people should be less fat, totally agree. Let's go back to corporations again. The ones who's cocks you have jammed in your throat.

Who's making everyone fat? Where's all this food coming from? Has it fallen out of the fucking sky? No, it's corporations poisoning you. Why not regulate them? What the fucking government sucks, man, is that? Why not regulate the amount of plastic they can put in ranch dressing?

Cause maybe a mother of three whose husband dropped dead of COVID doesn't have time to read every fucking salad dressing or fucking cereal box in the grocery store because she's a little stressed. So perhaps there should be some regulations like Europe, they don't allow this shit. You can't just put poison in everything

like you do in America. These obese people, they're all fat. Yes, you go to certain parts of the country, they're a food deserts, meaning there's nowhere to eat except fast food. And the markets, the food is bad. The produce is brown. They don't get anything good.

It's true. And it's so expensive now because of inflation. If you have a family of four or five fucking people, you just can't make everyone a Waldorf salad. Like you have to just buy taco meat and feed it to the kids like dogs in a kennel. No, inflation doesn't matter. So there's, everyone's on their moral high horse

about fat people, fat people have ruined everything. Fat people are largely the result of a few different things. But one of them is that society does not do a great job promoting health because they allow, by the way, all this body positivity shit, it's all the sugar industry.

They're dumping money, they're putting 600 pound people on the cover magazines and saying, yes, bitch. And the reason they're doing that is because they don't want anybody to think twice about having their fifth McGriddle of the day. So you have all of these trends that are converging, but this idea that corporations are great except the two that make a vaccine is a little wild.

So, but you can't even get into it. So I'm going to Miami to play as steel drums. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. I've made enough money. It's like, hey, I'm fat, but you don't pay for me being fat. That's the other thing.

You don't pay for me being fat. I pay for you and your children and all your shit. I don't need, I mean, listen, you used to pay for me being fat, but now you don't. Fat millionaires are not the, me and Lizzo are not doing this to you. Whatever your life is, whatever problem you have in your life,

it's not me, it's not Lizzo. Fat poor people, well, that's another thing. They are perhaps draining you, but you're draining them. That's a thing. America, if you're not fat, how many healthy people do you really know? 10. The vast majority of people in this country

are pillheads, drunks, fat people, sexual degenerates, dark web pedophiles, truly. I mean, let's just go through the different archetypes of people. You're a pillhead, junkie, stoner, dark web pedophile, fat person. I mean, health is not exactly promoted here. This isn't like an outdoorsy culture, by the way.

Oh, there's too many fat people. Well, here comes the metaverse. That'll slim everyone down. I mean, it's not a healthy country. You can wield the baton against fat people all you want, but then look at how many drunks are in this country, how many car accidents, how many problems we have with fucking prescription drugs and opioids and all these.

There's so many fucking problems in this country. But it's easy to beat up on fatty, and faties sometimes should be beaten up on because they do fat things consistently. But also, when you go to these food deserts, when you go to these places where families literally don't have a choice, but to feed their kids dirt,

what do you expect them to do? You think there's a whole foods? You know, we were in upstate New York. We walked into the grocery store. Everything was frozen. Everything was preservative, laden, frozen food that you would defrost. Listen, before I had a little bit of money,

I was broke, legit broke, okay? And I mean, you cannot, it's not easy to eat healthy with no money. It really isn't. Now there are people that are fighting with me now or getting mad at me, but it's not. Especially if you're tired and you've worked your ass off and you just want to eat something and fall asleep,

it is not easy to clip coupons or go to the market or take advantage of every sale. Now, especially if you have a family, it's just not easy. Doesn't mean that it's always justifiable to get in a fucking bathtub of Haagen-Dazs, but I'm saying that it's a little more complicated than just going, hey, we need less fat people. Well, then you need more government regulations.

Those things you fucking hate. Government regulations, because pizza hut is gonna pizza hut. Unless you tell them, stop making poison. If you do not tell them to stop making poison, they will keep making, because they don't fucking eat it. The CEOs of these companies, watch Undercover Boss. They don't even know, the CEO of Popeyes walks in, he's like, what is this?

Wait, what, where's the friar? This is what we serve people. Undercover Boss stopped even letting the CEOs in the episodes they would bring on like the CFO, because the CEO was so horrified that people were eating the shit. They don't even know. The CEOs of these companies

don't even know what they serve to people. And when they would go on Undercover Boss, and they would walk in, and they would see these people with face tattoos and multiple stints in prison and everything, and they were the employees, and they'd be a little uncomfortable, and they're like, okay. And then they would look around at the food,

and they would go, oh, this is what we're doing? And like, you know, obviously, you know how horrified, you know how these CEOs live, you know where they go out to eat, you know the types of people they, it's very different than when they get thrust into that environment, and they go to a checkers. There was this one where this woman at checkers

was like, I've worked here 20 years. This has changed my life. It was one of the saddest. Try to see if you can find Undercover Boss checkers or rallies, whatever, either one. This woman, it was so sad. She was like telling the CEO, and so the CEOs just, they couldn't even do it.

They were like, we don't even wanna do this. It's a bad PR look for us. Throw a CFO in, and by the way, I don't even know if it was a CFO. I think there was an actor they put in, because there was a few early undercover bosses where the CEO was clearly horrified at what was going on at the company.

They didn't even know they were like, this is the food we serve? What? So if you don't regulate that shit somehow, it's not gonna fucking work, truly. I'm finding like, oh, here, I think I found it on Daily Motion. It's a 51-minute episode.

Do you remember what part it was on? We're just gonna play the full 51, folks, and I'm gonna go out. I mean, do you care anymore? Can I just play a 51-minute episode of, can you show me some of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, here. I mean, you wanna talk about the worst producer

in the entire world. So here we go. This is the CEO of what? Checkers? Yeah, it says this is the episode, season three, episode four, Checkers and Rallies. Yeah, Checkers and Rallies. So you have the CEO of Checkers and Rallies,

who is, let's just say a dark web pedophile. I don't know that. He does look it. He looks it, and let's just, because we're not gonna use his name, let's just say that and throw that out there. It may not be true, but I think chances are it is. By working on the front lines,

he'll see what it really takes to make food fast. Can't beat those people, I'm told, for that long. I mean, wait, no, he is. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, Mark, how do I do five chicken bite boxes? Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am dying. And for the first time ever,

a boss will be forced to do something so drastic. Right here, right now, we're gonna shut the restaurant down. It's company will never be the same. This is what the work, I just need a job. So the guys gotta shut the restaurant down, by the way, because like, he gets there, and he sees what's going on. He looked horrified.

Which is, people are being poisoned, and they're being served food that they like find on the floor, and everything. So the guys do just shut it down. This is when, by the way, they had to like stop doing undercover boss, because they're like, literally every episode of me, the guy just shutting the restaurant down.

Undercover boss would literally be the CEO going into the restaurant, calling the cops, and shutting the restaurant down. Like, he'd have to call the health department on himself. So they really had to like kind of like, take a lot more care as to how they did the show. Because they were like, oh, this is the logical conclusion of any undercover boss,

would just be the CEO going, I can't in good conscience continue to allow this facility to operate. By the way, don't even call them restaurants, it's a facility. RBs is a facility. It's not a restaurant. So now find the old woman at the end,

the old white lady, and we can, we'll edit this so it's quicker. Yeah, so I don't know if we can find the exact part I want. It might be another episode, but we're gonna really try. But this is another one of my favorite things. From this episode, where this guy is clearly trying to fuck this woman who he then says he's gonna mentor her, which is the creepiest thing in the world.

Imagine if the CEO of a company said to a fry cook, I'm going to mentor you. What do you think that mentorship entails? He goes, yeah, I'm gonna mentor you. I'm gonna pull up in a parking lot every Thursday. You come out, you get my dick wet, and then you go back in there and make chicken nuggets for people.

Listen how creepy this guy is. There's a lot of people like you that can do a lot more, right? Yes. We're gonna put a program together so that every district manager is going to be a mentor, but I also wanna make sure that you are the first mentee in that program, and your mentor is going to be me.

Really? See? You're gonna mentor me. Yes. Into being a good manager. Yes. Wow. What I wanna do right now is I'm gonna promote you

into a management and training position, so you're gonna make more compensation that you're making now. It's a 25% promotion. Get in my car. Get in my car. Get in the front. Get in the front seat of my car.

There's a new program. We're gonna give you 25% promotion. So what do you make now? $200 a week? Well, that's going up by 25%. Now, I want you to get in my car because the mentorship is about to begin. The mentorship is about to begin.

I'm the CEO of a company, and you're a fry cook. I have a lot of wisdom to impart to you about what you can do to one day become the CEO. But first, get in my car, and we're gonna start the training. There's a woman, I mean, we gotta research this, but there's a woman, was it checkers? Maybe a different restaurant, yeah.

Fuck. All right, hold on. Well, we just lost three hours of our day to undercover boss because it is maybe the greatest show I've ever made, and it reveals what a disgusting and amoral country that we are, but I mean, it was, we looked for that one woman, but we couldn't find it.

I used to have a bit about undercover boss in my act. It was, if you just need to binge something, go and watch undercover boss, and you know, it's a real education. The versus game is a lot of fun. I'm having a lot of fun with this. We are posting questions. Here's what the versus app is.

A lot of people love to try their hand at chance, right? They love to try their hand at predicting the future, seeing what may or may not happen, right? And playing your buddies while doing so. Playing your friends, crafting questions, coming up with cool things and saying, hey, will Tim Dillon do a podcast with Kyle Rittenhouse before December 15th, right?

That question is gonna be closed tomorrow, interesting. There's lots of different questions that I'm going to ask that you can log into versus app and bet, I'm very good at predicting the future. And many people who listen to the podcast know that, and the CEO versus app said to me, we're so impressed by how correct you've been about literally everything you've said.

We want you to start posing questions on the app and seeing if people, if you're right or not, and by the way, people can win money. Yeah. They can win money. So that is in and of itself a fascinating thing that you can do. You can win money by being correct about things.

A lot of people think they know what's gonna happen in the world. Well, if you really do put that to the test, what are some of the questions that you've posted, Ben? Cause I know that they've done well. Ben has posted some. So mine is Ben Avery is good on there. I'm a verified user on the app.

Shut up. I asked, will Hasbulla be declared an animated state of Dagestan? Interesting. I posted, will Kyle Rittenhouse upload a photo to social media with him holding a gun by next week? Oh. During the trials, we did some of those.

I mean, you can do a wide array of things on the app. We've been having a lot of fun on there. My question is, my new question I'm gonna post, will Hasbulla and Abdul Rosik actually have this fight? Oh, interesting. Is this a real fight or is this a troll? Ooh, you think they'll do it by the new year? Will Hasbulla and Abdul Rosik by the new year

have this fight or is this a troll? Will these two little Dagestani dwarfs fight each other or not? Will, this is another one. Okay. Okay. Will the city of Austin be attacked by terrorists by the new year?

Hey, I'm saying it won't prove me wrong and earn money. So you mean a domestic terrorist? Prove me wrong and earn money. All right. Hey, I'm saying will a bunch of people with AK-47s just open fire on in downtown Austin? I'm saying it won't happen, but do you wanna prove me wrong and win money versus app versus app, baby?

What else? Will the island boys overdose by Christmas? How about that? That's too dark. Too dark? I don't want you doing those dark ones. I haven't done any that dark. I'm trying to think.

That's not right to do. It's more on brand for you, I think. What have they done to us, the island boys? Provide us beautiful music. But they sold their soul to the devil. Well, he said that, but I respect him for being honest about it. How many people have done that that don't tell you

they've sold their soul? That's true. Your name is at Tim Dillon on there without the J. Yeah, thank you for following me. What else here? Will Spotify censor Joe Rogan's latest episode with Dr. Peter McCullough posting that question immediately or Ben will do it for me or get fired.

That's a good one. That's a great one. Yeah. Will Jesus come back from the dead by New Year's and smite his enemies, destroy the world and bring all of his fans and followers to heaven? I guess he would call them fans and followers. Okay.

You're talking about the rapture. Yes, will the rapture happen? That's a simpler way to say it. But I think more, I like the Rogan one, the Rogan McCullough one, because that is interesting. I'm gonna say they will not, but a lot of people are saying they might. Okay.

A lot of people do questions about Pete Davidson on the app. Can you think of any Pete Davidson or Kim K question? Not even one can I think of. There's not one thing I care to ask. What, I mean, I don't even know what people are asking. I have no way. The guy's doing well. Yeah.

What, I mean, what could you even possibly ask? Will Hasbulla Shabba bombed himself and killed Katy Perry. He threatened a woman on Instagram. He threatened her life. Really? Yeah.

What did she do? She posted pictures of his sister, I believe, and he just went ape on her on live and said he was gonna send people to her house and stuff. I love him so much. He's such a gangster. It's his sister, you know, it's family. Yeah.

It was his mother posting the photo. He's like, I'll kill you. I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about millennials are now super charging the housing market. Young people that hated owning things are now driving like half the transactions in the market now. People are now warming to the idea

of owning a home in a suburb, probably, that just a few years ago, we're in love with the cities. I wonder what happened. But yeah, it seems like after the COVID and the riots and the, you know, because things are getting worse in cities and maybe it's overstated to a degree, but really a lot of it is, you know, you hear from people,

things are not good and you see it with your own eyes and then there are people that will accuse anyone that talks about crime like, oh, you're a fucking, that's a boomer, Fox News, shit. That you're just, you know, bringing up that some dude climbed over the fucking fence and scared your wife. So what?

But people are really, people are really like, you know, there's mentally ill people on the street. Many of them have weapons. Many of them are unhappy. They're not well and they may or may not attack you. And this is becoming less and less fun. It's not as fun as it used to be

because there were fewer of them. You shouldn't have none. You need a few, a sprinkling, if you will. But when you have too many, if somebody getting slashed isn't even a novelty anymore, it becomes, you know, routine. And I think that people are getting a little wary of that type of living environment.

Doesn't mean that those conditions will continue, although they probably will. But this idea that anyone concerned about safety, especially if you have a family, anyone concerned about their physical safety is like ridiculous. They're ridiculous. It's usually put out there by people

who are doing very well and not in a position to worry and maybe don't have kids. Don't have a family and aren't really worried about those things. But you hear these stories about, you know, and I think there's a lot of problems. It's not, obviously,

we've had a very strange 12 month period and even longer than 12 month period in America where people are, it's becoming more and more obvious that people cannot have logical discussions with each other about certain topics because they are so emotionally charged that people don't really care about facts or data

or statistics. They're more concerned with saying the right thing or, you know, they're being very careful about conversations. But one of those conversations is about crime that's going up in a lot of these cities and a lot of vulnerable people, poor people, old people, women, people that rely on public transportation,

people that work late hours, people that, you know, people that don't live in the suburbs, don't live in gated communities, aren't millionaires. A lot of those people bear the brunt of that spike in crime. And a lot of this coincided with this idea that if you got rid of funding for police and then reallocated it to community reinvestment or education or mental health,

all of those things are worthwhile things. But if you had less police and less funding for police and you were able to take this money and give it to these other things, perhaps that'd be a long-term benefit, I don't really know, but it is short-term, it's been a problem. If you look at facts, if you care about any, you know, any type of...

Sullivan shared the statistic the other day, I'm sure you saw it. If the U.S. still hospitalized, it's mentally ill at the same rate as it did in 55, its mental health institutions would house almost 1.1 million people any given day, and instead they house fewer than 50,000 patients now. I know seven people that I could name

that are friends of mine that should be institutionalized. And they're dead serious. Like seven or eight people that I know that should not have the ability to plan their own day. They should have to, they should be constrained by a facility. No, listen, it's a problem, you know? And that doesn't mean you can give cops a blank check

to do whatever the fuck they want, but like, very honestly, people in LA, people are talking about the fact that they feel less safe, yet not 40 year old open mic stand-up comedians who live on floors and don't have any money or families and are on Twitter just, you know, trying to tweet their way to a sandwich because they're broke, they're not talking about it,

but people would like skin in the game are discussing it. Of varying political affiliations, left-wing people, right-wing people, people going, yeah, things aren't good. And I don't really know what the answer is because my mother's mentally ill and I have a lot of, I have a feeling that, you know, it's not enough to like,

you have to figure out a way to identify people that have these problems and get them care, get them some type of help, get them off the street, you know, get them off drugs, have them not be able to get a hold of knives and guns and, you know, things that can ruin the day. It's not easy. You're dealing with a, and more and more people

are going crazy every day. More and more people are losing their minds. So we've just got a bad situation where the culture pushes more and more people off the cliff and then those people then turn around and start committing acts of violence because they are insane. A culture of horrible food, prescription drugs,

an over-medicated and under-medicated, both culture of people that are self-medicating, a culture of high levels of stress, work till you drop dead, no healthcare, no intervention, early intervention when people are having these mental health problems, a culture that prides itself on like hustle and grind and fucking figure it out, man.

You just gotta tough your way through it. It pushes people off a cliff and then those people are going to end up in American cities, insane, and they're gonna kill you. Perhaps that should make you think twice about what we've set up here. A system that is designed so that a fair amount

of people every year are going to become homeless, they're going to lose benefits, and whatever mental health issue they have is gonna be exacerbated by poverty. Those people are going to end up in very desperate situations. Some of them, not all of them, some of them are going to lose their minds

and they're going to strike out and you're going to see more and more acts of domestic terrorism, you know? You'll see these people who are desperate, they have nothing to lose, they're going to pick up arms. I mean, and I don't know what this had to do with because there was a legendary Mexican guy

that died at the Hollywood Walk of Fame and a guy just started shooting out of his window. We had the Waukesha Massacre, where that SUV that was not being driven, it was a self-driving SUV, killed all those people. But no, it was a black guy that was steeped in anti-white kind of racist language, right? That's not the mainstream narrative, really.

No, the mainstream narrative is a car decided to mow over children in Wisconsin. But there was a guy who was like very, from what I know, seemed to be a radical, and the ideology that radicalized him was an ideology that was kind of like, hey, it was dehumanizing to white people. Like white people are all out to get you

trying to kill you, evil. And well, if you say that about any group of people and somebody believes it, they're going to do horrible things like drive a car through a parade. Now, it is not popular with the media because the media likes to play footsie every now and then with that ideology as well because it's fun.

It revs everyone up, it gets them clicks, just like they did after 9-11, where it was Muslims that they were talking about. And they would have all these pieces about Islam and this and that. And you know, there were radicals that were white people that would then go and commit acts, not a ton of them, but there was a few people that would then commit

like anti-Muslim hate crimes, anti-Chinese hate crimes, whatever, why wouldn't you have an anti-white hate crime? Like why wouldn't you have that if the person is being motivated by that? The idea, I guess, is that the media doesn't think that's real or maybe doesn't think that they've ever stoked that type of feeling ever or maybe they don't think that it's a widespread enough,

which I don't think it's widespread. I don't think it's an epidemic. But I don't think hate crimes against anyone are an epidemic when you look at the numbers. They're just not happening in mass. They're just not. But this guy- It showed he had praised Hitler,

backed Black Lives Matter and called for violence against white people. So the mainstream narrative, they don't want to discredit BLM and stuff like that. So they kind of just, it feels like they kind of just back off of it a little bit. It's very hard for the alt, right? Because it's like fuck white people.

And then he praises Hitler and they're like, well, well, this is tough. But you're going to see that more and more, right? Because people are mentally ill. They're being let out on bail. These bail rules are interesting. And, you know, I don't think people like Khalif Browder, who can't make bail, should die in Rikers Island

because he stole a backpack. But you know, what did this guy do? He tried to murder his wife? He ran over his ex-wife previously, yeah. And then how long- He was also a pedophile. And then he was out of jail when in a few days? Yeah, a cash bail of $1,000.

That might be a little light for running over the wife. He had allegedly punched the mother of his child in the face early last month and then drove over her, leaving tire marks on her leg. $1,000 for driving over a woman seems light. To be honest, just from a purely financial standpoint, just from a purely financial standpoint, a G, like you ran over one, listen,

punching her in the face all day, that's a G. That's a G. Punch her in the face, you're out with a G. I'm for that. She's popping off, you're popping off, things get heavy. One pop, you don't break her nose, you don't do anything like that, you hit her once. Again, I am not for that, but I understand $1,000 a G. Hey, but if you run her over with a car,

that has to be at least $3,000, right? Yeah. If you run over the mother of your child with a car, you should have to pay at least $3,000 to get out of jail and do it again. If you really wanna run over the mother of your child again with a car, it should cost you $3,000 at minimum. And the problem with not paying these low bail numbers

is if people get out and they do it again. And this guy, this demon went and killed a bunch of people in Wisconsin and people that will listen to this, they'll go, no, well, the bail system's unfair. It may be unfair. It's also unfair to be walking in a Christmas parade and get slaughtered by a maniac in his car. That is also unfair.

So in between those two extremes, you'd wanna create a system that makes it harder for a violent psychopath to go back out and do the thing. He just did it. He just ran over somebody with a car. Five days previous. Five days ago. No, you don't understand.

Again, are these, am I having political, is this a political ideology I'm espousing? I'm just talking like a human being would talk. And you people impose your politics on it because you're insane. But I'm having a discussion, like I would talk to anybody going, yeah, I get it. People getting thrown in debtor's prison or whatever,

the equivalent of that over parking tickets is fucking absurd. That's no good. Guy who runs over a woman with his car being let out immediately on a bail of a G, goes and commits an act of terrorism a week later that's a problem. Figure that out.

It's not political. I don't think the idea that you don't want people climbing in your house to kill you is a political statement. If you say I'm against people climbing over my fence and breaking into my house to kill me, I don't go, oh yeah, you must be a right wing nut. That's not political to me.

Those are not political statements, you know? I'd rather my family not get murdered. I don't turn around and go, must be a libertarian. I just go, oh, it's a father or a mother who doesn't want their family to experience a home invasion. And this is why the Democrats are gonna lose again because the idea that this shit is in any way political and isn't just rational, is crazy.

It's not political to wanna preserve the safety of yourself and the people you care about to the extent that you can. It's not political, you know, it's just what it is. That's why I'm excited about violence in only one city and I'm gonna guess which one. It's the one that I'm in right now because it is a violent city.

It is a violent hellscape other than the fact that it's completely devoid of culture, interesting people. The only interesting people here are psychopaths, many of them billionaires, but it's also a city that is very violent and people get shot, stabbed. It is a dirty, filthy bloodbath or as Chris Hedges would say, a bacchanal.

He loves that word. The American bacchanal. It means like an orgy party? Yes, something in that vein. Yeah. I want you to go watch 20 Something's Austin. By the way, to say that we have raised the least interesting, least capable,

most basic generation of human beings to have ever. I'm more excited about the Zoomers, the ones that are even younger, the ones that are nihilists. Ranboo. Yeah, get kids from Ranboo. I read an article about the Minecraft kids and who is it?

There's like, there's Dream. He's a mystery. Nobody knows who he is. He's got a mask and he's the biggest Minecraft YouTuber on earth and then he's got a collection of friends that are all like multi-millionaires and they all have millions of followers and one of them's name is Ranboo, Ranboo.

And he wears a mask and it's kind of hilarious. And another one's name is Tubbo, but he's not that fat. He's British. British. And they just play Minecraft all day and the kids give the money and good for them. Hey, get it while you can.

Good for them. I have more faith in that generation than whatever the hell, and I don't know if it's technically a different generation, but like the 20 Something's Austin, I mean these motherfuckers, it is just grotesque. One guy, the standup comic who's not a comedian

in any discernible way, he's not. And he says to this girl, went to Berkeley, he goes, oh, they're on a date. He goes, oh, so you went to Berkeley? So you're a lot smarter than me. And she goes, yes, yes, I am. At that point, I would have grabbed her by the throat. I would have grabbed her by the throat, okay?

Truly, I would have grabbed her by the throat. And I would have said, listen to me, you cunt. I could crush your larynx right now. Do you understand me? I'd look her right in the eyes. I could crush your fucking larynx right now. Who's smart now? It's a good show.

If you watch it as I have. What now, before we leave here, and we will never really speak of this place again once we are done. And because I know people are probably sick of it already. I'm sick of it, and I'm here. Do you want to say anything nice about the Austin that you remember, the Richard Linkletter films,

the Alamo Draft House, the pork ribs? Yeah, Barton Springs used to be awesome. Do you mean back when it was before people moved here? Yeah, back when like, I don't know, Nick Mullen lived here and liked it, right? Or do you like it? I don't know. I don't know.

I think he did. He probably did, right? He said to me years ago, it sucks. And I didn't realize how right he was, but he's right. Yeah, back in the day, you go to Barton Springs, there's no line, you go to Hutz Hamburgers, which is now like a new Italian place. Like all those old spots are just gone

and people can't afford it anymore. And you've noticed this as well. It's as expensive as LA to live out here. So it's just, it's all done. It's expensive to live here. I mean, how long were we in traffic today? Just trying to go pretty much. You know, you did it.

You've created what you want. You want hell, you got it, you know? But again, this idea of the city is being put out there. It's being put forth by a guy with like a trillion dollars. Telling everyone how good it is, that he loves it. Well, maybe his experience here is different than yours. Is that possible? Is it possible that the guy with his own spaceship

may be experiencing this place differently than you are? Maybe, but the people that move here deserve it. It's not like a rare blood disease. This is something you choose and you deserve. And if you come here, no matter what happens, you get shot, you get stabbed, you work, you flounder as a barista and strum a guitar in some modern looking barn they've put up.

All these new houses look like modern barns, okay? And they should do in them what they used to do in old barns, which is just clubbed dead animals. You know, animals that were dying. There was no more use for. My point is, my point is if you, if you, this dog sucks, stop. Why does it breathe like this?

She just licks too much of her hair and then coughs it up like a cat. Why does she do it? She's just a very nervous, neurotic animal. She needs to be in a field somewhere. That's the title of the episode, Nervous Neurotic Animal. Because she's not the only nervous, neurotic animal

in this zip code. She was better in LA. You brought her here. Now she's trying to be cool and hip. She's trying to fucking read books that she thinks will make her sound cool. She's trying to order things like, you know, you know, like different types of stuff.

Different types of, you know, drinks from her favorite mixologist. It's a grotesquery. But it's really one of our last episodes. We have a few more episodes from here. We're going to try. We're not going to be back in the studio until January. People have to know that.

They have to understand that. They have to process that in their fucking head. You're not going to see me until January, but then you're going to see us in a brand new studio. How about that? Unless the Minecraft kids come and save us. Let's go work for them. Let's just go work for them.

I'd work for Tubbo. Tubbo, Rambo, Rambo. Dude, what if you left this podcast and go work for Rambo? Just a British psychopath wearing a mask. Yeah. What if you just, well, I think he has a thing. He whatever has a problem with his own face. Oh, I feel bad now. Well, it looks fine, but he doesn't think it does.

I don't know. It was in the article or whatever. The point is, I just think if you came to me and you went, listen, I am, I've been thinking, I really enjoyed what we've built and the time we spent together, but I'm going to work for someone else. And I'm like, who? And you're like, Rambo.

And I'm like the child Minecraft streamer. You're like, yes. And I'm like, okay. You win some, you lose some. Timdillacomedy.com. We've only got a few more dates left. Sacramento, late show. Grab tickets to that.

San Francisco, a few tickets left. Garden City, Idaho. Cancel the late show. Nobody bought tickets. Sorry about that. There is standing room at the first show. We'll be able to get everybody in. You know, who knew I didn't have 20,000 fans in Boise, Idaho?

Who knew? Yeah. You know, my big markets are New York and Chicago and Philly and Tampa and Dallas and Miami and places where people live. And San Fran. And then Toronto. Let's not forget New Year's Eve.

Toronto's amazing. New Year's Eve, Toronto, baby. Grab those tickets. Timdillacomedy.com. We're going to go out. And we're going to have a fun. Do you know what we've got planned for that show? Which show?

Toronto? Yeah. I'm doing a full set. OK. About a little under an hour. OK. And then Michaela Peters is coming out to kill her father on stage.

Good night, everyone.