The Tim Dillon Show - 295 - A Serene Retreat

Episode Date: April 24, 2022

Sam Tallent drives Ben and Tim through the Hill Country of Texas as Tim laments on owning a home here, what he just exactly plans to do with it, and the kind of Airbnb business that would give him the opportunity to finally retire. Bonus episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow See Tim Live on the road: ▶▶ http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Buy Sam Tallent's book here: https://www.samtallent.com/ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 👨‍🦱 HAIR LOSS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon 💆THERAPY ▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD BIRD DOGS! ▶▶ https://www.birddogs.com/ use code TIMDILLON ATHLETIC GREENS ▶▶ https://athleticgreens.com/timdillon MASTERWORKS ▶▶ https://masterworks.art/tim ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   ▶▶ Ed McMahon [e-mail] https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We apologize for not doing an episode last week for Easter. But again, I'm not blaming Ben. I don't put it on Ben. But Ben does a thing every year with his family, where they do a recreation of Easter, where they recreate the resurrection of Christ. And it was Ben's turn this year to go down and be Christ.

And his mother said, even though you work for Jews, I want you to come down. She thinks I'm Jewish. The woman thinks I'm Jewish, just because I have a mortgage. And she said, you just have to play Jesus this year. And they do a whole thing in the yard, and they speak in tongues. And they don't have the money to really recreate a cave.

So Ben just emerges from a shed in the back of the yard. And they start chanting. And so we didn't want to ruin that, because it's a family ritual. And you know, I'm not close with my family. So I can't really judge other people that are. So when Ben, you know, and I've known of this, and he's talked to me about it.

And he said, I have to go down. It's my chance to be a Jesus. Now, last year, his sister was going to be Jesus. She fell asleep in the shed, because she was drunk. And people's faith was literally being tested. They're banging on the shed. Get up, you drunk. Get up, you whore.

She forgot she was even in an Easter patch, or whatever you want to call this. So she grabs a gun and runs out of the shed firing wildly. They wanted to avoid that this year by having Ben go back, sleepy little Ben, with his little leather boots he wears now, because he's paid. And they wanted little leather boot, Ben, to walk out calmly and serenely out of the shed,

pretending to be Jesus, so they could all chant, and then eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or whatever they eat, it doesn't matter. So that's why we didn't have an episode, if you want to know the truth. That's the fact. We're here in Austin, Texas, which has had two days of sun in the last 20 days.

And we'll have three days of sun in the next 15 days. This is the climate. And everyone here that you talk to, of course, has Stockholm syndrome. And before you even bring it up, they go, yeah, it's never rained this much. It's never rained before. And it's just I've now been here on and off for over a year,

and all it does is rain. All it does is rain. And so we're thinking I got a house here. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. And I've been a little depressed because we finished it. Me and Ben, like the property brothers, did a really good job. Ben, don't you think we did a great job?

I think we did an amazing job. We did an amazing job renovating this home. We did a kitchen, a bathroom, did the living room. We chose all of the finishes. We excelled at home renovation. It was kind of like, now, obviously, we're not going to flip it because you got to wait. The market's not great.

Rates are going up. And there's nothing for us to do here at the moment. Joe Rogan is opening a comedy club. That'll be fun when that happens, but nothing is happening tomorrow. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not going to live here, really. I mean, I'm on the road a lot.

But I think, and this is probably the best outcome for this, we are going to open up an Airbnb for pigs, the type of people that visit Austin, Texas, pig women that want to get drunk and get stuffed with pulled pork or a half flaccid cock in the backyard of my fucking house. We are going to get one of those barrel hot tubs, put it in the back.

We're going to get a few of those live laugh love signs. And I love eating good, or whatever the hell, we'll put it on the kitchen, or just a big sign that says eat. And these women are going to flock here for their bachelorette parties because it's 20 minutes from the shit wineries of Texas, where if you like drinking vinegar and the worst wine ever,

you can go to the shit wine tour of the Texas Hill country. And many piglets who are about to get married come and say, let's do one last week out of freedom. And you know what freedom means? Briscuit nachos. That's what freedom means to the ladies. Briscuit nachos. Doesn't mean freedom to be an entrepreneur.

It means freedom to shove your mouth full of queso and drink and fall down in the yard. And we are going to provide them that opportunity. We are going all in. We might do a thing where, like you bob for apples in the fall, and they can take their fat drunk faces and dunk them in the tank. How about a dunk tank where you throw something,

and then if you hit the target, they fall into the water. I got a pool. It's perfect. I mean, it's a perfect because I can't sell. And we've improved the property. Is there any flaw in my logic here? There is a steady stream of disgusting humanoids that come down here to live out some fantasy.

They go into Austin. They blow coke up their nose. They give their valves a real fucking run for the money. They go down there. They fucking listen to some heroin addicts scream at the top of his lungs while he clumsily plays a guitar with hands better suited to hitting his wife. Why not provide them a place of peace and tranquility?

Two acres, three bedrooms, three baths, newly renovated big fridge. Guest house, guest house, gonna be renovated. One bedroom, one bath, 750 square foot guest house, 2,300 square foot main house. Two acres of Texas Hill country greenery. Pool! That's right.

Get fucked up. Drink some hard cider and get in that pool, Piglet. It's worth the money. That's what we're gonna do. Now, I've been kicked off Airbnb. So we're gonna have to do it, maybe in my fat assistant's name. And she will know what these women want.

She will know what these beasts want. What do these beasts want? She'll know. She'll get it. She'll immediately be able to, she's a consultant. We'll make her a consultant where she can come in and tell me, here is what the modern pig wants when she's on her bachelorette party.

This is what she needs. She needs, I think we gotta make it fun for them. We get, there needs to be more activities in the backyard. You know, more like carnival games for them. What about like a big tic-tac-toe? You know, something like that. Because they are beasts and they are of limited, you know, obviously they're completely uncultured.

And their mental capacity is, shall we say, diminished. That being said, they would like simple games for them to play, right? Games that fat women could excel at. Like something that fat women really like to do. Now the kitchen is not that big. This is a problem. So we're going to imagine

that there's not gonna be a ton of cooking done, right? So we gotta make sure that like, there's ample opportunity for them to store things they will later eat. Because they're not gonna be, I mean, these are not the types of women that go in and go like, let's cook some salmon, right? They don't do that.

These are the types of women. I mean, listen, and I'm not even trying to be disrespectful, is it completely inappropriate to have a trough? To have a trough where these pig women can get on their knees, give them knee pads. We don't want them, their knees already work hard. Give them knee pads.

They can get on their knees and put their faces in the trough. Cause you remember, it's one weekend before they get married and change this behavior completely. You see, cause after they get married, they're gonna, you know, they're gonna get on the peloton and start reading books. But just give them one more weekend of fat fucking pleasure. One more weekend and they all wanna meet guys.

You know, they wanna have a nice story, maybe not the bride. Let's hope she's classy enough to keep a cock out of her mouth a couple of nights before she gets married, right? But maybe not. But her fat friends are gonna want some freshman at UT to fucking pork them or something, which I completely relate to.

And they're gonna want, but I'm rich and have a little bit of fame. So sometimes that comes a bit easier to me, but they're gonna do what they're gonna do, right? They're gonna get drunk at around 3 a.m. They're gonna find some guy to bar and rape him. Cause it is socially acceptable and it's getting back. And he, he's not gonna care.

It's gonna be fun for him. And it's a story and so what, and I'm just, we're driving around. I was looking at all these deer. There's so many fucking deer and these piglets they're gonna want to get fucked. And my only issue with doing the Airbnb is that the cleaning crew that I'm gonna have to employ

is gonna be like the same people who cleaned up Gitmo after the torture, you know, like after the torture sessions when they came in to like wipe the sweat and blood off the floor, they're gonna, I'm gonna have to hire the same people to come in here after one of these pinatas was blown up by some old drunk dad who she kidnapped at 3 a.m. in Austin and drove him 25 minutes to my patch of dirt

and Hicksville, who cares, nowhere, Phil. I'm just saying, Ben, am I wrong about any of this or is this the direction I should head in? The activities, you're on point. They would love a big shuffleboard in the backyard. That's right. Like they have on cruise ships because you don't move much with that.

That's right. You have a chocolate fountain that they could fill up with. You set, when they walk in, they see the chocolate fountain and then the chocolate they can melt next to it with marshmallow. If we get a chocolate fountain for these manatees, I am telling, I'll quit, I will make enough money that I will never have to work again.

Now let me ask you a question. I didn't, where would you buy a chocolate fountain? Oh, you mean like a little one? Yes. They sell them. Yes, that you plug in. I think we need the types of ones that use it catering halls, like the big ones.

No, I think I have to spend 10 grand because we're talking five to six beasts. I'm talking about a Chevy Suburban that's tight. A Chevy Suburban that rides like a Prius, skin to skin. Those women are gonna get out. Oh my God, it's beautiful. Their voices are deep. It's beautiful, Kara.

We're so happy you're getting married. So here's what goes on. Tomorrow we have the wine tour. Tonight we eat. I've yelped four of the best barbecue restaurants in town. I say each one of us, maybe we should do a scavenger hunt. Should we do a scavenger hunt for them? They like things like that.

And we could just leave parts of a cow around the yard and they could discover them and then eat them. I've stayed enough Airbnb's. And Airbnb is really taking a chunk out of the business of hotels now because me and my opener, the funny Sam Talent who you should follow, we've been staying at a lot of... We've done some nicer hotels on this leg of the trip

because it's over, the tour is ending. And we've stayed at a few Ritz Carlton's and Ritz Carlton has given up completely. Like when I was growing up, it was the hotel. And now they just wanna build residences where people live and they don't care about the hotels anymore but they're still banging you out over a thousand bucks a night to stay there.

And now the Ritz is owned by Marriott. The St. Regis was also just bought by Marriott. So now every fucking like high-end hotel chain in America is slowly becoming a Marriott. So why not? You know, people are opting for more privacy. They're going, fuck it, let's just do an Airbnb because nobody's doing anything good at these hotels anymore.

Room service is shit. I mean, it's sad to watch these hotels. I mean, I liked Marriott's when I was a kid because there was a novelty to leaving your home and staying over somewhere else and getting the room service. But now, you know, these hotels are becoming methadone clinics, you know? You have all these tattooed, fat people wandering around,

not even classy fat people like myself, like pink, fat, cherubic people. I'm talking about like disgusting working class, tattooed prison shafts, really. Just wandering around these properties, it's grotesque. But that's why I will be creating a perfect private serene oasis for wayward women that are looking to have one last couple of nights of free.

Now did your wife have a bachelorette party? She did, yes. Where did she go? She did the classic. They did the wine. They go to a winery one night. So your wife is a classy broad, but let's be honest, some of her friends, that's not the case.

Now you don't have to comment, it just is what it is. Your wife's a classy broad, but I get it, when you have friends that want a certain thing, you go do that. Cause they're planning it, right? Of course they're gonna plan it. And where do you go? You go to the Texas wineries.

Cause that's what Texas is known for, wine. Going and drinking wine. That's what Texas is known for. Getting a nice fucking Bordeaux. So what region is this wine from? Tuscola. This is red from Abilene. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.

But I mean, anyway, Sam, you could drive us other places. Sam is driving us in the car because we can't do it at the house because there's too much act code, we're nowhere near a studio. We'll be back in the studio when the tour ends in Australia. I know I've said for two years, the tour is ending. I'm like, share doing the farewell tour. Next week I'm gonna upload on Instagram.

I'm gonna be like, tickets on sale, Tokyo, Seoul, Kuala Lumpur, Okinawa. No, we're done, we're done. There's nothing left to do, we're saying. And we gotta do an Airbnb here. I mean, there's nothing, and I think, you know, what really attracts these people to a property? They like nature or they think they do.

And they like the idea of like creating memories and taking photos, right? Isn't this what they wanna do? When they go somewhere, they wanna do, like they want Instagrammable moments, right? Yeah, when they walk in, they wanna see a couple of disposable cameras that are included with their Airbnb package, right?

Is that true? Oh yeah, they love stuff like that. Cause that's old school, that's like 90s, 2000s, like, you know, the click, click, click, the wind up stuff, they love that. You could even- What if I gave a McCann a cream corn? Because they're disgusting.

That's why that's funny. They're literally disgusting. I'm telling you right now, they should run the other way from the camera. They should see a camera and look at it like a Jew in the 40s saw a train. These women need to be nowhere near a camera, okay? So what do they want?

They want cameras when they walk in? Mm-hmm, yeah. God forbid, they're not recorded. And they probably want a, like a mural that you have set up on the property somewhere cause you have so much acreage that they could take photos under, especially if they're gonna do like

any bachelorette photos types of deals. What if we marketed this to like real pigs? Like if we were like, this ain't your mammy's Airbnb, like we want you guys to have real fun here. Get dirty, fill a kiddie pool with spaghettios and finger fuck each other. You only get married once or four or five times. And you know we're gonna get second weddings too.

Oh, we're not just gonna get the first wedding. We're gonna get the girl, she's 34 and she's trying it again. She's trying it again. She's got a high school aged kid who's been to juvie multiple times. But this time it's gonna work cause she's married a man, 40 years her senior,

who's 70 years old but he's spry. And he's got a lot of money and by that I mean $300,000 including assets. And she just wants a place to smoke weed and get so high she dreams she's dead. Let's have her come to my home. Come to my home. Come to my home and pretend your life isn't real.

Come to my home, see friends you haven't seen for a while and bond the only way you know how. Drinking bottles of alcohol and recalling the times you molested each other. Do it at my house, come to my house. It's open. The doors are open for you to come to my home. I want you there in the backyard barefoot

and we'll get some pregnant brides too. Don't think we're not gonna get some prego brides and don't think if that baby's formed they're gonna knock back a few. I used to do coke with a woman named Michelle and she did coke nine months pregnant. She said don't worry it's already formed. It's true.

I used to do coke with a pregnant woman when I was 13 years old with my friend Shay. She lived in Oceanside, Long Island. And she was pregnant and she would do lines of coke because she said I'm nine months pregnant the baby is already formed. And she might have been right because I agreed, I said, hey, whatever.

So if that's the type of people I want renting my Airbnb. People that are nine months pregnant who will do a line of cocaine because the baby inside of them is already formed. How do we market it to them? The man who gave her the baby was serving a three to five. He got out, he was great, they were fun.

They were fun people and we used to sit in their apartment and do cocaine and it was not a nice apartment. But cocaine can make things livable. And then I would go home in my bed and jerk off and lay there and wish I was dead because coming down from coke is horrible. But you just jerk off and stare at the ceiling. How do we market my Airbnb to this caliber of human being?

Because you know they're gonna masturbate. Let's imagine these women are not gonna get ass probably. Maybe they will, I'm hoping they do. But not everybody's gonna score. It's only human nature. So I want these women just, as Jessica Kirsten says, going at them set, like blasting, she has a great joke, she goes,

blasting ACDC and going at themselves with a jackhammer. That's the type of women I want in my Airbnb. This isn't an Airbnb for like the hot chick and her friends. This is an Airbnb for a woman who the bride is two hunch. And she's lost 30 just to get married. And her friends are like, you look great, Donna. You look great.

And she's like, thank you. I've just been working so hard. But this weekend, I'm gonna let loose because it's a cheat weekend. It's a, and dude, we got it all. What do we got in the area? We got Sonic, Taco Bell, McDonald's. Dairy Queen, we got TCBY, we got Schlotsky's.

Chickeny. Yeah, Chicken King, right? Chicken Express. People call it Chicken King. Oh, we got Watteburger. Oh, you know they're getting Watteburger. Oh, you know these. They're gonna get so fucked up.

And they're just gonna go, let's get a Watteburger. And you know, one of them is gonna be like white knuckling sobriety. Cause they'll have a DD. They'll have one woman who got fired from her job as a secretary for stealing. And she'll be in her third month of sobriety. And they'll be like, are you sure you can handle it, Denise?

And she'll be like, absolutely. Anything for you girls. I'm totally good. I'm totally good. Now she'll be crushing Adderall in the bathrooms, but who cares? She's gonna drive them to Watteburger. And man, they're gonna go to town.

They're gonna go to fucking towns. They're gonna be, as soon as they get to Watteburger, it's like Ukrainians across the Polish border. It's, you're in the clear. They're gonna eat like they've never eaten before. And then Ben, you brought up a good point. We gotta give them games to play tic-tac-toe, shuffleboard, maybe twisters, fun.

But then they would hurt themselves. Oh, horseshoes, they like horseshoes. Cause a lot of those types of women you're talking about, they do the little skirt, the little dress, and then they do cowboy boots. That's the move. And the boot goes up most of the leg. A flowery dress and boots and scarred up legs.

Scarred up legs from just the things that bite you in the night. And you know, the husband is like just some, he's either, there's two types of husband for these women, right? Lanky, methed out, smells like gasoline. Decent cock, decent cock. A guy who's perpetually in a state of getting it together

and or figuring it out. She will repeat those lines at Nozium to her friends while not making eye contact. He is getting it together or he is figuring it out. The second type of guy will be me. Fat and gay, very gay. Who loves the feeling of a cock hitting the back of his throat, but feels for whatever reason,

perhaps, you know, he's inheriting a townhouse somewhere worth $8,000. He's gonna have to marry this big pork chop because he can think of men while he plunges his penis into the vast chasm that is her vagina. And he will give her a child. And this child will be raised and it will be stuffed like a turkey every day, full of chemicals

and GMOs and food. He will be her eating partner. Mommy's being naughty again. And she will say that the child wants chicken nuggets, but damn well, we know who really wants nuggets and it's mommy. So he's just giving her a dog on two legs that she can walk and drive to food places.

And he will, so there's two types of men that she's marrying, a guy who's gay or a lanky guy who's probably cheating on her, fucking strippers, smells of gasoline, definitely lost a few months of his life to queue, but can put on a collared shirt and seem like he could potentially work his way up to management at enterprise rent a car.

Like he feels like he could one day possess the responsibility to say it's in spot number eight. Thanks a lot. We'll see you on Thursday before 12 p.m. Now he's not ready for that yet. In fact, he's months, if not years away from that, but he possesses the ability to perhaps eventually someday work in management in a managerial position

at a car rental place somewhere in a suburb outside of Jacksonville, Florida. So that's one of the guys put the wipers on here. So this gets brutal here. People just kill each other here because they wanna die. I mean, Ben, that's the only way this is ever gonna work. So back to your question about the marketing angle

behind it, there's one big thing you're gonna have to, I think, buy to really sell this because on the Airbnb app, there's gonna be that one photo that hooks them in, right? And I think you need to get a windmill that you put in the backyard or the front yard that we have a picture of with the house in the background. They go crazy over windmills for whatever reason.

Because they like wind because it cools them down. To be fat in this country is to be in a consistent state of having your sweat frozen in a Chili's by a very powerful air conditioner. To be one of these women is to be consistently getting your sweat frozen on your body while in a very cold theme restaurant while you suck back a margarita.

That is the experience of being one of these women. And then you shuffle back to your desk at your job where you do some type of medical billing, data entry, fill in the blank. You dream of Pete Davidson or whoever the heartthrob of the moment is, or Harry Styles. You dream of one day Harry Styles

with his perfectly pink British cock climbing in your window like Peter Pan and fucking your fat corpse senseless. While you enter information and then call up someone who owes money for an angiogram. But it's okay because come the weekend you're gonna go to Tim Dillon's Pig Fest. You're gonna get five of your friends

and you're gonna go to the Texas Hill Country. And you're gonna drink wine and let's just say you won't be counting calories this weekend. I'm gonna be naughty this weekend, they'll say. Let's get a few appetizers, they'll say. Let's get a few desserts so we can try everything, they'll say. But you know what they'll mean.

And as those plates hit the table with that fucking stewed red onion that these people consider culture, when those tacos hit the table and maybe some of them are shrimp. Oh, we're being healthy. And then they have a chipotle or a lime crema. They're gonna go, oh my God, it's so good.

Jackie, thank you so much. This is so much fun. We needed this. I needed this. I needed that. How about this? I'm not even kidding. Whole fridge full of Choco Tacos.

Hey ladies, we have brought the ice cream truck to you. Can't sleep? Don't worry about it. Have a caramel apple and banana. Need something to do while you're taking a shit? We got a good humor bar. What about an entire fridge stuffed, and I'm not even kidding here,

stuffed with your favorite good humor treats from when you first became fat and developed unhealthy eating habits and then never changed them? I just, I'm thinking this is the only way to do it. I can't live here. It's a swamp, it's a hell. I can't do it.

My only question, Tim, is do you also try to include, do you advertise this to fat men as well or is it just fat women? Yes, fat men, but here's the thing with fat men, okay? Fat men, a bachelorette party with fat men what do they do, they go to a strip club and I've told this story before, but we went, my friend Mike Morris' uncle or something,

I was getting married, went to some strip club and there was really fat guy in the limo and he's like, when I get in there, I'm gonna be, all these girls are gonna be all over me, he's a big fat guy. He fell asleep in the limo. We just went to the strip club and we came out two hours later, he was still sleeping

and then we just dropped him off and he didn't even know what happened. So, fat men, I just don't think fat men are the market. Like, they're just not the market. They're just not the market. I think you gotta go with, because fat men aren't trying to make a thing of it. They're not trying to make a thing of it, right?

Bachelorette parties, I don't know, it's like, is it an Airbnb thing for men? I'm sure it is, but I don't know what they do, right? I went to one of my comic friend's bachelor parties, you know, a friend of mine, and we went to this casino in Atlantic City and this guy was in the comic books and we all just lost some money at gambling

and went to the buffet. I mean, it was sad, right? Women really wanna make a night of it. Guys do like booze cruises and stuff. What did, you're a bachelor party, we've talked about it on the show. You just got together with some guys that smoke cigars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, some guys are smoking

like gas station vape pens and we were just like smoking cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, sorry I missed that, but I apologize. I don't know where I was, probably working to keep the operation running. Anyway, but I think it really should be marketed to women. It should be marketed to women

who wanna have a fun weekend in the Texas Hill country because it's affordable and it provides them all of the things that they need, which is donuts, shit wine that tastes like balsamic vinegar and they can just slug it down and hope to God that their lives are different when they, cause everybody's looking for like the weekend of a lifetime. And we got an urgent care a few blocks away,

just in case somebody saws a foot cause there's gonna be injuries. They're gonna bleed. You know what I mean? There's gonna be injuries. They're gonna get a little too excited on the pool deck. Somebody's gonna fall and injure themselves. Now, thankfully they're padded.

Most of these women are insulated. That'd be exciting. I mean, I think Ben, that's the only thing to do. Now, who, now I can't, now here's a dumb question. I can't go on Airbnb as a host, right? I don't think, no, I don't think so. I don't think that's how that works,

but we can absolutely do it under a company name, I think. No problem. No questions asked. Really easy. Why don't we just literally call it like fat bitch weekend and like blast Lizzo. I mean, let's market it to the fat bitches. That should be the headline.

And they slide through photos of like candy and jars, the fridge full of treats, pictures of deer, a windmill, a cold pool, maybe an umbrella. Tiki bar. There's something about this that excites me because I think I can really market to these people and I've seen them. I've seen them arrive here.

I've seen them walk down the street in downtown Austin. In Nashville, at least they have that bicycle thing that they pedal. What is that called? I'm not sure, but they have them in Austin too, but they're more popular in Nashville. I haven't seen them in Austin because no one can pedal. It's a pedal bar, but no one can really pedal.

So I've just seen these people, these slumbering herds of cattle. That's one of our titles of one of our episodes from years ago. But I've seen them, these genetically altered farm animals just ambling down the street from one. And you can always tell like a really fat one's like, what about this bar?

And she doesn't even want to go there. It's just the closest one. They're like, the one we want to go to is down there. She goes, but this one looks fine. And it's like, Katie, you're just 150 pounds overweight and you have a rash and you can't move. We don't want to go into this one because it has a fish tank.

But this is why Austin is such a uniquely horrible place. It's like Disney World. There's no worse place than a place that's dedicated solely to making these memories, except the place is never worth it. Like the places never like people go to New York to do that or Paris or London, but those places can actually provide some of the materials

that you would need to make a memory. Because none of those cities are distinctly set up for you to make a memory. They just exist in a memorable fashion. But places like Nashville and Austin are marketed and catered to bachelorette parties, people that are just trying, and it's such a basic bitch mentality

to go to the place that everybody else is going, right? To do the thing that everybody else does. There's nothing unique or exciting about following in the footsteps of every other friend you have who you've seen them on Instagram with a fucking photo of themselves at a winery or a photo of themselves fucking countryline dancing or riding a mechanical bull or, you know,

oh my God, Susan was fucking wild this week. There's nothing unique or I would be impressed if these women went to Auschwitz or had a moment, like have a moment and understand that life's just not about wedging your rib-eye-sized steak foot into a flip-flop and going down the fucking, to the fucking honky-tonks in Nashville.

Why don't you go see some ruins, go to the scene of a war, a genocide, a crime, understand that life is serious and that it will eventually end. Stop with this immortality fantasy that these friends aren't even your friends. These people that you're at this thing with, they barely like you, you just grew up together.

You're clinging to each other because there's nothing else to cling to. So you're just clinging to each other and there's a lot to cling to, but that's all you're doing. You people aren't, you know, bonding over anything, but I mean, again, I'm not gonna write this all in the Airbnb thing.

I'm gonna leave a lot of it out. I'm gonna focus primarily on the fact that there's a pool. You know, I mean, but that's how I think we get out. That's how I damn Austin, by giving it one more piece of hell. That's how I get back at this city. I give it back what it's given me. I give it a spot for fat women to come

and pump up their economy and make the city a little more disgusting. I think that's the best way to do it. I'll feel good about that. I'll sleep tight. When I was a tour guide in New York, I ruined the holidays of so many people that just had enough money to go to New York one time

and they hated me because instead of fucking talking about the Empire State Building, whatever, horse shit, they wanted to talk about, I talked about, you know, I don't know, human trafficking and penthouse apartments, you know, fun shit. And they didn't like that, but it made me feel good because I was being true to myself.

And if I, as my last thing before I leave Austin, turn my house into an Airbnb for fat disgusting women to terrorize this city just a little more, I think me and you, Ben, we've done the right thing. Well, we've made it almost too nice. Yeah, it's too nice now. We gotta take some stuff out, almost, I think.

It's so nice. Let me ask you a question. It's gonna cost a lot of money to ship furniture, right? Where are you shipping it? To the house I just bought on Long Island. Oh, okay. All of this works in Long Island, dude. Yeah, you could actually ship it.

All of it works in Long Island. Let me tell you right now. All of it works in Long Island. This is an amazing, oh my God. Oh my God, I understand now. All of it works in Long Island. We fill this house with beanbag chairs. Inflatable furniture.

We put outdoor paint on the wall so they can vomit on it. You know what I mean? We ship all of this furniture to the house I own on the East Coast of the United States. And then we just make this an adult Chuck E. Cheese, a Dave and Buster's for fat women. We fill the house with vibrators and Cadbury cream eggs

and watch these pieces of goo go nuts. I'm telling you, why not? That cotton candy machine's the whole thing. Oh yeah, popcorn, movie night. How about this? They all sit in the backyard while they're eating popcorn and they're just blasting themselves with dildos in the backyard.

Blasting themselves with dildos, queefing, letting out a little shit. Just blasting themselves. Watching porn. Watching fucking interracial stepdad porn. And you know, that's, because by the way, Ben, everything we bought works even better in the Hamptons. Yeah, because it's-

Which is, I don't live there, but I live somewhere else. Because it's a little oceanic, the vibe we got going. Yeah, it's a little nautical. Yeah, whatever, Ben. But the point is, we gotta get out. We gotta get out of here. We gotta get out of this. I keep calling this local realtor and going,

I'm listing it, and then the next day I go, I'm gonna keep it. And then the next day I go, I'm listing it, and then the next day I go, I'm gonna keep it. This poor guy. So I just go, I'm gonna keep it again, but give me tickets to your show. Like I said, here's some free tickets to my show.

I'm gonna keep it. But Ben, I'm thinking we ship all this furniture. Can we do it? Yeah, I mean, why'd you say that? We can do it. Yeah, yeah, we can do it, man. We can do it. We can bring these pigs home.

Come home. You're home in the pig heart for you. We've made a pig heart for you. Is your friend getting married? Is your life a bit harried? I know life is scary. Eat. Just eat, you pig.

Have a little bit of wine. Put on that dress, you swine. Just eat, you pig. It's time for chocolates from Belgium that I bought at CVS. You won't know the difference, hog. I'm telling you, I think that's the move. I really think that's the move.

Sam, do you just, great. Great idea. Thank you, Sam. And you'll be like, Tim, mom, he lives in a tent, mom. He's smart. He's smart, mom, because, well, here's the thing, mom. Here's the thing, mom, it's like, you realize, mom, that life is really about like time.

It's about time, mom, and a lot of people, mom, they're like afraid to put in the work to be who they can be. But that's why Tim lives in a tent, mom, because he's freeing himself up from all of those worries. And he's just becoming what he can be, which is a disgusting pig who lives in a tent, mom, outside of my comedy club.

And when I knock on the tent and I go, do you want to perform? And then he goes on stage, man, and it's Kill-A-Bun. I think we've kind of, I think we're right here. I mean, Sam, don't you think this stuff works almost better on the East Coast? Give him the mic, Ben, you've added nothing. Yeah, having helped you pick some stuff out.

You have, you have a great eye. Thank you. Yeah, that painting was a big win. Yeah, I think it's going to look great on the East Coast. As Ben did say, it is nautical. It is, I mean, it is, it's a, no it is, but Ben, Ben doesn't understand, when he says nautical, people think it means like lamps with like fishing rope

around it. Ben doesn't understand. It's not a tiki bar. I mean, you just have a blue theme. This is a guy who pretended to be Jesus at his family's fucking, fucking shed resurrection that they do every year. No, I'm joking, of course.

That, that was not true. That's, I have to say that, you know, I don't want people to be angry. That's, that is untrue. They do not do that. That's true, right, Ben? You don't do that. What did you do for Easter?

What was your Easter? I liked Easter as a holiday, because my aunt, who was on pills, would get very particular about like the baskets and where they were being hidden. And she was like, it was like her insanity was really on full display on Easter, because everyone was like,

hey, let's not take it too seriously, you know? The kids are young, you're hiding eggs, and you know, she just lose her mind. She'd be like, don't look, you know? Because she was a drug addict. What, what did you do for Easter? So you wake up, you go to church, of course, as a good Christian family,

and usually wear like a tie. So you dress up nicer, you have like a pink tie, like a pink Easter tie. Okay. And then after church, everybody goes out on a field next to the church. Here's where, by the way, folks, I just want you to,

I just want you to listen, I just want you to listen very quickly, because when in your mind, I want you to go, how far away is this from Tim's joke from an hour ago? Because it's not gonna be that far away. So now keep going, Ben. You left off in the field.

Okay, so there's usually a field next to a church in West Texas, right? So in the field is already placed a bunch of plastic eggs in like mesquite trees and in bushes, and in grass and in holes. And then everybody like at once sort of runs and just goes like crazy looking for eggs. And if you're like a younger kid,

usually a parent is with you and you're putting eggs in a little basket. And they're usually filled with candies, little chocolate coins, things like this. And what happens if you see and get the most eggs, you get to go see the pastor in the back room and you trade the eggs in for a little salvation? That's right.

Yeah. But I think that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna ship all of this for, I mean, sometimes I don't even realize my plan until it's underway. Yeah. And that's kind of the brilliance of it. That's the brilliance of it.

This is going out east. Those chairs you have coming tomorrow too? Those go to? Everything. Yeah. Am I? Everything. Yeah.

It all goes. It's over here. The game is over. George Carlin would say, the die has been cast. Oh yeah, no. If we have to furnish it, we're going inflatable pool furniture, outdoor furniture, Scotch Guard, everything.

Cause, oh yeah, dude, it's gonna, it's gonna smell like it curves. You know, the gym for fat women, just big fat vulvas. But that's all I can do. That's all I can really do. This is the way to kind of get out of here. And then my next move will be Florida.

Have you heard of Florida? And then I'll hate Florida. Four months, five months into Florida, I'll hate Florida. And then I'll turn my house into a sober house and move in a bunch of guys that I suck off. So that I'll let them outside to meet up with their friends to do the steps.

But we know they're just blasting lines. But that's okay because they'll put their big cocks in my mouth every night. And I will run a sober house in Florida. This is what I should do. I should move around the country and find that I'm miserable, literally everywhere. And then after that,

decide what kind of haunted house to turn my home into. What kind of horror? Should it be a half-wood house, a halfway house for like wayward men, white-knuckling sobriety, questioning their sexuality in need of a few bucks? Or should it be an Airbnb for fat bachelorettes who just wanna eat edible cookie dough and get bombed on shit wine in Texas?

Who knows? I could just move from place to place, ruining the country a little bit more, making it a little grosser, a little more grotesque, destroying the landscape of this already destroyed country a little bit at a time. One city by one city. Put an Airbnb for fat women in Texas.

Put a fucking methadone clinic in Tampa. Just look at the top 10 markets. Go in a Nashville, rent it to a bunch of fucking, you know, who knows, capital rioters. Hey, boys, we got a lot of space. You do what you think is necessary. Just find the top 10 real estate markets in America and then go into each one of them

and decide what exactly they need, like the up-and-coming markets. You know, not LA or New York or these things I can't really afford, but go to a Nashville, go to places like this, buy something, hate it almost immediately, and then decide what to turn it into. A religious fundamentalist cult,

an Airbnb for chubby chubs, or a methadone clinic where I suck off the guys so that they can get privileges to go out and use drugs. I don't know. But I do know that that furniture is getting on a truck and going east. How far is it from Boston to New York? Not that far.

About 18 hours, I think, let me see. Let me Google map it. Here's the deal, man. We actually, I mean, it's gonna cost money, but here's the deal. That furniture is a lot more expensive in New York if I were to get it, you know? Probably, yeah, probably.

There's probably bigger shortages up there. Probably. This is a good idea, Ben. Am I wrong? Let me see how far it is to there from here. So to New York City from right here. And they had two hours. And why I had two hours?

It's out east. Oh, right. It's loading, it says 27 hours. Okay, so it's like five. That's a drive. So it's farther than LA. So I've done LA here like seven or eight times. What do you think we're talking, five grand?

Yeah, probably. We're gonna have to get one of those pods again. The pod storage things, yeah. It's gotta be done well. It's great. You know what? Here's what we're gonna do. Give me the phone.

We're gonna call Retard, or Retard Business Manager. Okay. Because what's great about him, and this is what I really like about him, is that he has been able to hold down a job being mentally retarded. What? Hey, Tim.

Hey, listen, can you price me out what it would cost to ship furniture from Austin to Long Island? Okay. Yeah. Because we got a lot of... What? How much stuff?

10 pieces. 10 pieces? Like a bedroom worth, two bedrooms worth? Like a home. Home, okay. Like a couch, two chairs, coffee table, two lamps, two other chairs. We got it all.

And we're putting it on. We're gonna take the Austin house and move it to Amphib and just plop it right next to yours. The Austin house is disgusting. But here's the deal. We got a lot of great furniture, but here's the deal. I'm not...

We gotta get it out of this Austin house. We're gonna... The Austin house is gonna be turned into an Airbnb for fat women. Okay. We're turning it in... Eventually, we're turning it into an Airbnb for very fat bachelorettes.

We're catering to the large woman who's unafraid to be herself. Okay. All right. So just price some of that out for me tomorrow. Thank you, sir. For sure. Thank you.

Imagine getting the joy to represent me. I have such a great business mind. I have such a great business mind. That's why he's so happy to take my calls. I kid when I say he's mentally retarded. He's great. I think he's mentally retarded. I think he lands somewhere on the spectrum,

but not full, you know. You know, he's not like wandering around with a piece of felt. I wouldn't, by the way, I wouldn't... Let's just say I wouldn't give him a piece of felt and chance it. You know what I mean? And if he had a piece of felt, it would be an NFT.

He's cooked in that, you know? Timdillacomedy.com. There are no more tickets to get. So fuck off, who cares? If he didn't come, I don't care. I don't wanna do stand-up anymore. I hate it, I hate everyone. I'm kidding.

Life is a journey and a joy. I enjoyed all the shows. Every show was great. But the planes, trains, and automobiles, these hotels that Marriott is ruining, fuck you, Marriott. It's been tough. It's been tough to travel wares on you.

That's why the podcasts haven't been in the studio in LA. We've been traveling. It's been hard. And I know you people don't understand. You go, no, that's not hard. We're not gonna do these things in a hotel room or anything. Just get over it.

Get over it. Enough. But we will be back in the studio soon and the tour is over, really. So unless you live in Australia, it's over. If you live in Australia, it's great. Oh, we have Vegas and Reno coming up. Who cares?

We'll probably put the special up before then and I'll bomb. Whatever, half of you will hate the special, probably. That's fine too, I don't care. The first show in Denver was ruined by a bunch of drunks. So the second show was good. It's very, very solid. But you should have seen it live. The point of comedy is to see it live.

No special ever truly captures how funny things are live. Comedy is meant to be seen live or in my Airbnb because we're gonna have a projector that you can watch while you're in the pool. We allow eating in the pool. We encourage eating in the pool.

And we're gonna have a projector and you know what we're gonna put on? The Food Network. So you can watch people make food as you eat it while you float in the pool. And you know why fat people love a pool? Because it feels, they feel weightless. They can't feel their decisions.

That's why they love it. That's why a fatty loves a pool. And we have a pool and we've got a lot of acreage and you can graze just like the castle you are. Come to my Airbnb, come to my home. Open the door. It's your own Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory. And the golden tickets, all yours.

Just press book on Airbnb and there'll be jars of peanut butter and ashtrays. Everything you haphaz want. Come to my home. Come to my home. Just don't die there.