The Tim Dillon Show - 296 - Selling Moresby

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

Tim and Ben are taking a remote, potentially dangerous, Australian vacation with Sam Tallent to the oldest rain forest in the world, Ben has some major concerns, and Tim explains his fascination with Port Moresby, one of the most violent places in the world to live. ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow See Tim Live on the road: ▶▶ http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: WATCHES ▶▶ for 20% off go to https://www.vincerocollective.com/timdillon 🔒 VPN: Get three months free ▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon 📦 BOX OF AWESOME ▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% off CRYPTO ▶▶ http://exodus.com/tim to start free. Over 4 million people trust Exodus to manage their crypto. Join the movement away from traditional finance by downloading Exodus. ONNIT Take alpha brain! ▶▶ Go to http://onnit.com/tim for 10% off ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4woSp8ITBoYDmjkukhEhxg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬   ▶▶ Ed McMahon [e-mail] https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood   ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. Our final audio only episode ever. Is that a lie? But it is the tour is over. We're back in our studio in America soon. We're here today from the lovely city of Brisbane, Australia by the Steve Irwin zoo. You know him the crocodile hunter who died tragically when he was. What do you say? Harpooned or what? What did he he got? It went up under his rib cage into his heart. Stuck him. What do I want to say here? I want to say I pray mantis, but that's not what did it. There's a manta ray and then there's a stingray manta ray or stingray. Which one of the rays got Steve Irwin conservationist Australian legend. His family keeps his name.

It was it was a stingray Barb and that was at the Great Barrier Reef outside Port Douglas. That's where we're going. Yeah, I know. We're going right there. Yeah. We're extending our trip a few days to go to see the beautiful oldest rain forest in the world. Right where Steve Irwin met his untimely tragic demise at the hands of a stingray. And his family carries on his legacy and nothing's come out about Steve Irwin. This isn't Jimmy Savile. We don't have any problems here. Steve Irwin was a conservationist who cared about the animals. And that's why Whitney Cummings, my friend Whitney Cummings, stand up comedian, when me and you go to a lovely open range zoo. It's never enough for the animal

freaks, by the way. It's never enough for these sick fucks. Anything less than animals coming in their bed at night and fucking them makes them unhappy. If the animals are in cages, they're unhappy, which I get. But if you put the animals on a big range, they don't like it either. So we post a photo of me and you feeding kangaroos at the Werribee open range zoo. And Whitney Cummings, an animal advocate, or just you could leave off the word advocate, comments on my Instagram and goes, welcome to the dark side. Because she, her contention is that all of the animals are drugged in those zoos, safaris, they're all drugged, and they're being tortured on a daily basis. That is her contention. I don't know if that's

true. I don't believe that. I met a lot of people, including that guy, Paul, that love these animals and are caring for them and are bringing them back from the brink of extinction. And the animals didn't seem drugged. I also don't think it's morally wrong to give them a pick me up if they wanted to pick me up. How drugged is humanity? I mean, if an animal needs a little get up and go, I don't see a problem with that. But Whitney's constantly on the animals are on drugs. The animals are, you know, who I think is on drugs. But the point is that this, this incessant shaming and attacking of the zoo industry, I can't get behind. I can't get behind it. Not with the people that I've met that deeply care about the animals

from what I've observed in my five to 10 minute interactions with these people in the three to four minutes that I have spent talking to these people. And I won't ever speak to them again. But in those three minutes, they did not hit an animal in front of me. He didn't punch your koala bear. We didn't walk in and the koala bears are drugged up anyway. They eat the leaves. They sleep 20 hours a day. They don't care where they sleep. Let them sleep somewhere that's going to make a little money. They don't care. You leave them in the wild. They just get torched because of that fire. I hope that fire doesn't ruin any of this rainforest trip. I hope I got to be honest. I don't want to see ruins here. So I want to be and we're staying at a very low and it was very

important for me when I visit a natural area is luxury. That's the first thing because I don't really care about nature and I don't want to really be near it in a way where it could impact me negatively in any way. My main concern is luxury. I want the animals in sex to know that we are the boss. And in some of these expeditions, like when I was younger, I wanted to go to the Brazilian Amazon. I've always wanted to like go to the Amazon River because there are great animals, the sloth, the anaconda, the black panther, the bottlenose dolphin, many parrots. They have a great place called the meeting of the waters where the Rio Negro and the Rio Salome meet. One is the color of Nestle quick chocolate milk. The other is the color of like a dark blue espresso and I think or

maybe it's reddish. Maybe it's more reddish. They slam up against each other and because of the silt gradient in the water, they don't mix. It's like one of a, I don't know if it's one of the wonders of the world. Yeah, I'm right. It's one of the, I don't think it's one of the wonders of the world, but it is an amazing thing to see. And I've always wanted to see it. But you need a lot of inoculations. You need like 19 vaccines because you can still get leprosy in Brazil, which is not fun. Also, I mean, you know, that's why Americans are going to Brazil. I mean, forget it. I mean, look at what the COVID vaccine, that was a big, you know, how great would it be if just Rogan had a guy on telling people why not to take the leprosy vaccine?

You can get over leprosy if you're not fine. But I always wanted to go to Brazil when I was younger. I go, I want to go camping. I want to do a, I want to, you know, but as I get older, I realize that it is important to be dominant over the creatures and the landscape. It is, and it's Western and I'm a Westerner and I'm unashamed of civilization. You know, if you don't like civilization, you can fuck off. They go, these people in Melbourne, they put NARM or NARM or whatever it is, which is the original indigenous name for the land. And they put that in their fucking dating app profile. And they think that's going to fucking, that means something. Cut it out. Cut it out. I'm a Westerner. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not

marching into the Capitol, but I'm also like, what's important to me on a trip that involves nature is that it is very that it involves nature. It is not centered around nature because nature, like Woody Allen had a great line, I am too with nature. Like for me, it's like, you know, the woman said to me, what kind of expeditions, because this hotel wants to plan the expeditions that you go on, are you interested in hiking? I said, well, not really, but we want to go to the ice cream shop, the Daintree Creamery, because it's famous for making ice creams out of tropical fruits. So I said, arrange that. She goes, well, I don't know if that's really an expedition. I said, well, that's the expedition today. So arrange that, get the

driver and get us in the car to the fucking creamery and we'll take a river cruise and we'll look at the crocodiles and a few things. And we'll do some light hiking, maybe jump in a swimming hole. But again, the main goal for me here is to be really impressed by the hotel. Not so much than it. Yes, the nature is going to be breathtaking. But the hotel is important to me. I want to feel safe. I want to feel cared for. I want to know that if animals threaten me at all, they will be killed on the spot. Ditto people. I want to feel like an American traveling abroad. I want to feel like I have total dominance over the natural landscape. I am uninterested in any spiritual they go, well, it's a very spiritual area. Well, I'll be the judge of that. And I have no interest

in that. Yes, it is the world's oldest living rainforest. So they say my main goal here is that the room has a private plunge pool. Like in White Lotus, that guy who went nuts. I get it. I totally get that. But we do. We have a private pool. I will throw a fit if there is not a private pool. I do not care how beautiful it is. It does not matter to me. We're going to get the Pavilion Suite, which is the best suite in the rainforest. This is how I want to enjoy the rainforest. I want to enjoy it. We have a private chef that is doing a four course meal. If it is a three course meal, I will light acres of that rainforest on fire with a Marlboro light myself. I am paying for luxury. I am paying for luxury. I do not care. Do not sing me songs. Do not tell me about

the old ways of the indigenous people. I don't care about unlocking their secrets. It is of no value to me. Unless they know how to fucking bid on a house in Calabasas and get it and get it fucking finally so I stop losing out to the Chinese, I don't need to know about their fucking, you know, how they made a, you know, a flute out of a log. I have no interest. So unless they can advise me how to beat the Chinese in the hills because I keep losing, then it's not a problem. And again, does this make me sound like an offensive American? Perhaps. But I don't think it does. You are much more into this shit than I am with the, with the nature and all this shit, right? Well, I want to see that little baby monkey.

You, you like the koalas. I wanted to see the koalas. You said koalas suck. They do suck. They're not showman. Animals are supposed to jump up and down and throw balls and ride jet skis and we're paying money. The thing's asleep. What if I slept on a stage for an hour? They'd be a riot. The koalas are not funny. They're not interesting. They have no personality. They're cute. They have, they're, they're, they're, they're like actors that are just hot and they have jobs because they're hot. People like the koalas are cuddly. They are vicious, nasty animals. They're ungrateful. People move them off the roads to not get killed. And what do they do? They make that disgusting sound. They go, they are ungrateful animals. Fuck them. Get them out of here. Yeah,

they're cute. You like little cute animals. I like animals that have careers, that put on a show. You like that. You wanted to see the kangaroo much more than I did. I like the kangaroo. It does things. It punches people. It hops. It does things. The koala does nothing. The guy like scratches its back. It turns around. It gives us a brief look. We take a photo. That's 50 bucks. I could have uploaded that. I could have copied and pasted that. I didn't have to drive there, but you really like little cute animals and seeing things. Yeah, yeah. I mean, by the way, you briefly mentioned we're going to get in a swimming hole in the rainforest. There's a swimming hole. Yes. Is it safe? I would imagine there's no crocs in a swimming

hole. There's no snakes and stuff up there. I don't know about that. But I assume the snakes that are there work for the resort. Good. The animals should be working for the resort. I want, this is a resort experience. I'm not backpacking through the rainforest to commune with the ancient spirits. I have no interest in that. If the scrambled eggs aren't fluffy, I'm going to be loud. I'm going to, Santal is coming. We're going to smoke. We're not going to partake in any physical, strenuous activity. If it bothers us, even to the slightest degree. Oh, walk up that hill. You get to see a view. Fuck off. You do it and take a photo of it. Show it to me on your iPhone.

The swimming hole, Mossman Gorge, I imagine is safe. I believe it's safe. I mean, we already died once here in a fucking rip died. I know. So a swimming hole, it's a nice little hole in the water where we will sit and probably smoke cigarettes and look at the wildlife. And if the what, and I would, I would like if, and again, again, if this was like an island of Dr. Moreau situation where I put on a white jacket and I have like a device where if, if the animals get too close, they have little collars around their neck and I shocked them and they could say, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I like that if there was a midget playing a piano. Everyone hates that movie, but I don't. That to me is a fun vacation,

but we must feel at all times superior to this ancient wisdom that really adds up to nothing. And if it added up to anything they would have figured out how to make a bridge, it's what it is. This is a Western show today. I am proud of cities. I am proud of dating apps. I am proud of Starbucks. I am proud that people can shove their cock in your mouth within five minutes of meeting them on the internet. I am proud of civilization. I'm proud of real estate. I'm proud of bidding wars. I'm proud of hollow existence that is meant for all of us to just keep busy consuming shit we don't need. I'm fans of hollow, shallow relationships that ultimately don't matter. And I'm hoping we can incorporate that into this ancient spiritual landscape of the

rainforest. Because if that was that good, if these rainforests mattered that much, shit would be going on there. And they vilify the developers to try to get into the rainforest. I mean, they vilify these poor people. Developers that try to put up luxury condos and luxury hotels in the rainforest are vilified, Ben. The logging companies, they are vilified. They are creating jobs. All they want to do is take a few acres of the rainforest, and I think we can spare a few acres for a nice complex, but they're vilified and attacked constantly. It's a growing rainforest, not shrinking. I read that. It's growing. But I saw immediately on the Dain Tree ice cream website, it says, what are your sustainable practices? That's a big question they get. And they're

committed to preserving tropical North Queensland wildlife. So people do get upset about that. These broke bitches don't know how to franchise. They should be all over the fucking world. They should be serving this ice cream all over the fucking world, but they don't know how to do it. Because they're babbling about sustainability. How about this? Cut the shit. Stop. Stop with these faggity flavors like waddle seed and start putting chunks of fucking real Brazilian coffee or whatever, cocaine or Australian Marmite or, you know, I don't know. I'm just saying, what about a, what about a pint of ice cream with a big Cadbury cream egg in the middle? And you call the journey to the center of the earth and you could, you could have one of those flavors. You could

use a, you could say it's like a mango ice cream or whatever, you know? But in the middle of it, there's a big Cadbury cream egg and you could just, just know at it. So I understand that they're big into the sustainability, but I just don't want to lose, what do they call that? We're losing the what? Losing the, there's a, there's a, there's a expression. We're losing the narrative, losing the, Oh yeah, losing the narrative. I don't think that's it. We're losing the thread. I don't know. But what I mean is that I'm there to really enjoy the ice cream and maybe give them some advice on how to take their business to the next level. Because, you know, again, the, the the witness of the world and the people that will tell you that like all animals want to live in the

wild, that's completely untrue. That's completely untrue. Many dogs and cats are very happy being domesticated. I would say the majority of them. And I think many animals could and would have jobs if we were able to give them jobs because hanging out all day has got to be somewhat boring. If we could, if a, if a gorilla could work at state farm, own a house, and have a wife, I don't think he'd want to be in the wilderness like some type of monster. I'm going to ask these types of questions. When we are on the river cruise, I was treated very coldly, you know, on that safari the other day when he's talking about the rhino horns. And I made a very innocuous comment. I said, well, it's a good business

because it is. I mean, let's, let's take morality out of it for a second. It's a good business. The rhino horn business in Africa right now is a phenomenal business. It is a phenomenal opportunity to make $75,000 for a rhino horn. That is what the going rate is. I think it's, I don't think it's maybe the greatest thing to do, but I just made a comment. Chinese fentanyl, good business. Don't do it, don't take it, don't sell it, but it's a great business if you're just talking money. So I'm just hoping this vacation is everything that I like. Luxury, the appearance of nature,

and some time and some quiet to reflect because we're done with this tour. This tour started in September of 2020 at Vinnie Brands Stress Factory Comedy Club where they had an outdoor tent. It was the first time I had done any stand up in like six months or however long because we got shut down in March. It was pretty wild. And the tour was shut down twice for two surges of COVID. And we kept doing bigger theaters and filling bigger venues. We've toured all over America. We've done every city in America. We've done every English speaking country in the world pretty much outside of maybe South Africa. But I mean, I don't know if you would call that an English speaking country, but we've done Dublin. We've done Ireland. We've done Scotland. We've done London.

We've done the UK. We've done Australia. We've gone everywhere. It's over. It's time to hang it up. There's nothing left to do. So this is a nice way me, you and Sam Talent have a little vacation, a little three day jaunt into the rainforest to kind of reflect on how fun it has been the last couple of days. I mean, the last couple of years doing this. It's been a lot. And we do apologize to a lot of the podcast fans who love the video episodes. We love doing them too. But it is very difficult to do a video episode. I'm not going to do it in the hotel room. But the good news is I will be back in my studio next week to analyze all of the funny and fun stories like the imminent nuclear war and the Florida, the gay people and Disney World

versus Ron DeSantis and the PTA or whatever the hell we've been talking about in our country for the last five months. And here's another thing I'll say. I don't want Putin to use a nuclear weapon. I'm going to make that stipulation immediately, but I will tell you this. The Ukrainian war is getting so fucking boring. That if there is not something I'm no longer watching and I'm barely going to talk about it. It's gotten like COVID. It doesn't seem dangerous there anymore. Boris Johnson is going. Pelosi is going. They're all visiting with Zelensky. I mean, pretty soon my fat agent is going to have me and Kyiv doing a show. It doesn't seem that dangerous. So while I do not want Vladimir Putin to use a

nuclear weapon in Ukraine, what I am saying is that if this show doesn't get better, if it doesn't have a new storyline, I'm no longer watching. What a small tactical nuclear weapon would do is it would give the story a little bit more relevance. I'm not saying you should do it. I'm against it. If it happened, I would cover it more. It's not, it's not worth it. I mean, we do a great job covering it, but it's cost benefit and I don't want the Ukraine to be nuked. What I am saying is I'm getting very bored. What is going on in the Ukraine now? Is it even still happening? Well, they have the genocide, as you know. Well, I don't know, but I believe you. So lately Putin has said on record, if someone intends to interfere in what is going on from

the outside, they must know that constitutes an unacceptable strategic threat to Russia. They must know that our response to counter strikes will be light and fast. That bitch has been saying that. We've been arming the Ukraine. We've been funding the Ukraine. And yes, he's got hypersonic missiles that can hit New York City, but we're a big fucking country. And we will just, we will just launch and Russia will be over. I believe this is the first time he says, you know, we will use them. Like, if anything happens, we will absolutely use them. The ruling class in our country wants nuclear war. You can't scare us. They want to nuke us. This is not something that they're even trying to avoid. Who are you scaring with that?

These people want a couple of mushroom clad. They want that. That way they can flatten Russia. I mean, we will go crazy if we are nuked. So did you see the news that broke this morning that he is undergoing cancer operation? Yes. So Putin is undergoing cancer operation. Well, can I say something? Can I say something? Yeah. I wish him well. I don't, and I don't, I'm not going to start wishing death on people. Well, he has an abdominal cancer and Parkinson's disease. That is what they're reporting. So it's a sudden onset. You know, everybody's like, well, Russia's bad to gay people. Is Ukraine great to gay people? Where is this idea that the Ukraine is like some like San Francisco level

of tolerance there? Literally, I heard from somebody the other day who dated a Ukrainian chick, she said my brothers would just go beat up if they saw a black person, they go beat him up. That's literally what you said. That was literally a quote from her. I'm not making that up. I'm against the war. Putin's a scumbag. But let me just tell you, that is what I heard. It's, is it, here say maybe, is it what do you call the anecdotal? Absolutely. That is what I heard. The idea that the Ukraine is like a bastion of tolerance is untrue. Neither is Russia. I don't really, I'm just saying I'm against war. What I am saying is that I'm incredibly bored. I'm incredibly bored with this. Well, they're sort of foreshadowing here that there could

be a change of changing of the guard, because Putin's health problems could deteriorate is what they're speculating. And it's going to be handed off to spy master Petrushev. So that that could be a whole interesting, that could be a whole different set of narratives right there. A new king in power. Well, that guy's even worse from what I've read, right? That's what I've read too. Yeah. Right. So he's a real Bill de Blasio. This is him, Nikolai Petrushev. He's not going to de-escalate. Nobody named Nikolai is going to come in there and so Putin is undergoing cancer treatments. Yeah, but apparently as Parkinson's too,

which I didn't know, but those videos I've been going viral of him, not really, he hasn't been able to really sit up upright in his chair. I'm sure you've seen those of like, he just doesn't look well. But as anyone's speculating that that's poisoning from what you've heard, or is he just it's just coincidence. No one has speculated to me personally that he's being poisoned. Okay. It's just interesting in terms of the timeliness of it, but perhaps, but I do think it's widely known that he has been having health struggles. And I think that that is unfortunate. Well, he will be going under a surgery soon, it seems, and he'll be incapacitated during that surgery. So then there might be some type of maybe a coup. Something might

go down over there. Nice. Interesting. Whatever. I'm just saying I'm done. I'm done. I donated 5,000 Bitcoin. I wish everyone well. I hope they succeed. I hope they drive out the invaders. I hope they set up a fun world for themselves. I don't that is not my concern. My concern is finally it's time to relax. I have to relax. It's time for me to relax. It's time for me to relax. It's time for me to take a vacation. I can't be concerned with the nonsense. We have a horrible economy in this country that is preventing people like myself from going around the world and abusing other people. And that's wrong. The cost of fuel right now is preventing fat Americans from getting on planes and destroying whatever land mass they happen to be in. It's not right. We need to bring

the cost of things down. It's true. The inflation is crazy. The interest rates are spiking. People want to buy homes. And if people cannot buy a home that will eventually collapse on top of them and kill them metaphorically, not even literally, but I mean, you know, that's what it's about. Now, why you and your wife should start thinking about in the future buying a home? Oh, I've been looking all over the place. You know what I mean? To have a home, to have something that you have to pay for every month, whether you enjoy it or like it or not, to just have that weight, to have that debt. Debt is beautiful. That's the closest you'll ever get to God. The closest you'll ever get to God is debt because we owe a debt. When we come into the world, we're owed a debt. You owe a debt for

just living. So the way to glorify God and to glorify that debt that you owe is to take on more debt, more debt, and that weight of the debt, that crushing weight, holding that up every day. It's Sisyphus with the, you know, that is important. So I think it's very important for you. And that's why I'm very excited to get back to America. And next week, we're going to do a special of summer vacation spots for the poor, because a lot of people right now are fucked and they need to know where they can go on a vacation and enjoy themselves. We are going to suggest 10 summer vacation spots. It's going to be a very big episode. It's our first episode from the studio. Get excited. And I want you to watch this with your family, because it's going

to be 10 vacation spots that you can go to even though your lives are horrible, even though you have a horrible life that has been destroyed by forces you can barely understand. You should be able to shimmy your diseased fat ass down to some type of swimming hole or crick and go in there. You should be able to eat a hot dog. You should be able to watch Nikki Glaser's new show on E. You should be able to enjoy the summer. You should enjoy the summer. And we have got 10 spots that are going to be perfect. And we're actually going to try to do it. I actually thought we're going to do a bit where we were going to say like the Hamptons, Nantucket, places like that. We are actually not going to do that. I thought differently, because we were going to do a bit

where I would get on and go. An average Hamptons rental in the summer would be 50,000 a month or 100,000 a month. And it was the whole big joke was going to be that all of the nice places in America had you'd been priced out of. That was going to be the bit. But I think that's number one. You can kind of see it coming. Number two, it's cruel. We are actually going to literally scour this earth. Like where did you grow up going to vacation? Like Port Aransas and stuff like that. That's right. We're going there. What is it? Padre Island? Padre Island. We are going to showcase the top 10 areas that you could. I want you to take a family trip for under $1,200. I want you to take a family trip for almost no money.

And it's, you know, it's not going to be Nantucket. It's not going to be the Four Seasons and Maui, but we are going to tell you 10 places that you can take your disgusting family so that they can remember because it's about creating the memories for the children. And we're going to, we are going to really scour the country. And I'm excited because what is it? Port Aransas? What is it? South Padre Island. And what is that? It's just, you know, there's oil factories and needles and the water's very gross. Have you swam in the Gulf of Texas? I have never gone near it. The Gulf of Mexico, they call it. Not even once. Well, it's brown. So it's like the color of lake water. It's kind of like this. We're looking at the Brisbane River a little bit. But you can swim in it. Yeah.

And I bet there are tacos, right? There's a, there's like, I remember we had a lot of imitation crab meat. That's right, which is Pollock and Pollock is not bad. You go to the supermarket there, Pollock on Padre Island. Sign me up. So what you do is you go to, like you get the really cheap crab or imitation crab meat, you go back to your hotel, get some helmets, you get helmets, or you boil it and then you get a thing of butter and boil the butter and then you dip your hand. Not bad. Not bad. I think we were watching a project runway on the TV. It was a fun vacation. That's him. That was an odd turn. Why? You're watching your Christian families eating Pollock and watching project run. My mother loved the show in the mid 2000s. It's interesting. Heidi

Klum was great. I loved that show. Tim Gunn was phenomenal. Yeah, that Nazi bitch. Now I'm just saying I'm excited because there are all kinds of areas that are, that are for, you know, people that are struggling and we don't remember them. Yeah. We don't remember these people and they're ignored in our society and I'm against that. But what I can do, what we can do is put out a list of 10 places that maybe are more affordable because they are the sites of ecological disasters or they've been linked to higher rates of, they've been linked to higher rates of cancer or there is maybe some violence in and or near the area. So you got to be alert. You just got to be alert.

For example, I'm just going to throw, if you want to take a trip, how about Port Moresby in Papua, New Guinea. Now Port Moresby, Papua, New Guinea is a tropical destination for the discerning world traveler. Now 80% of the women that live in Port Moresby are subject to sexual assault and that is not good. And there are many crimes committed against tourists involving bush knives, machetes or things like that. That being said, I think it can be an affordable destination for a family. The flight will be expensive. Can you read some statistics about Port Moresby, Papua, New Guinea? Yes, this is very high, some of the highest in the world, if not the highest. What? The level of crime is insane in Port Moresby. Yes, but listen,

I don't focus on negatives. I'm trying to alert people to it because the flights are going to be expensive, but once you go there, it gets real cheap. Okay, so this is I'm on Numbio.com, which does statistics of crime in the world, it looks like. So we have crime in Port Moresby, Papua, New Guinea. Right. Here we go. Here we go. Okay, so you understand how crime index works? No, I don't. So something is like the crime index is 82.15 here. Meaning what? So that is your chance? So it's the scale of every 100 people? It's the scale of zero or 100 for values since it's easier to read for users. It generates a current index, uses data up to 36 months old. Trying to figure out what this means exactly,

because I thought you would know. Does crime ruin a vacation or is it a fun story? That's another great point. Would a crime being committed against you ruin the entire vacation? Or would it be a fun story to look back on years later and say we watched our father get stripped naked in the middle of the street and robbed? Many families don't even like each other. So this idea that violent crime is going to turn off everybody isn't true. Oh, so it means per 1,000 people. So per 1,000 people, 100 of them or 80 something are getting it? Yeah, so worries, home broken and things stolen, 77. So 77 out of 1,000 people in a period of three years have got their home broken in two and things. But right. But again, if you're a

traveler and you're staying at the Hilton Port Moresby and you are just, you keep to yourself and you're smart, I think it'll be fine. You will be a victim of a violent crime, such as assault or armed robbery. It's 84 out of 1,000. Hey, I don't think it's that bad. I really don't. Being subject to a physical attack because of your skin color or ethnic origin, gender or religion, 71 out of 1,000. Hey, not bad. Not bad to me. Get the kids on the plane. Tell us about some of the hotels. There's a Hilton. Oh, is there? Okay. Can we call the Hilton Port Moresby right now? Can we call the Hilton Port Moresby right now on my phone? Can't we do it?

My phone's right over there. Can we get them on the phone? Because I want to take, I have a family and we're trying to take a trip to Port Moresby, the most violent city on earth, from what they say. But they've never been, you know, America. Can we, I'd like you to do it through WhatsApp or whatever. Let's get these people on the phone. Do they speak English? I think they will because it's an international, you know, chain Hilton. This might be the first time they get a call from an LA number, maybe. I don't think so. Beverly Hills number possibly. Let's see here. I don't think so. I bet there's a lot of directors, actors, producers that want to go over there and whack people with machetes.

They probably have a tour for people that want to go over there, take a break from the California Sun and go hack people with bush knives. Okay, I'm calling the Hilton right now. I watched the whole thing the other day where it's like hostile that movie with Eli Roth. That's true. In Port Moresby. No, in other places, like people just go and kill people in, in, you know. Okay, that's the, that's the number. Looks like a good location. Actually, it's kind of pretty on the Google images here. Why aren't they answering? How are you? Is this the Hilton in Port Moresby? Yes, sir. Thank you so much. I'm trying to come there with my family for a summer vacation,

but we've heard that the Port Moresby is very dangerous. Is that true? All right, sir. It's a good place. But as they said, you have to just, just to be on transport. Right. So if I go there with my family, is it a nice place where we can walk around or is there a chance that there'll be a problem? In the hotel premises? Well, let's say we left the hotel. All right, dear. So I don't think it's safe. To leave the hotel? Yes. But if we, if we stayed at the hotel, it's nice. You have a pool?

Yes, we have a pool at the hotel. Do you have in-room dining? Yes, we have in-room dining and we have a complimentary shuttle to the mall. Oh, what, now what is that? All right. That's the big vision city mall. Okay. So as long as we, as long as we stay in our hotel and go to the pool and don't leave the hotel for any reason, you think we'll be fine. All right. Yes, sir. We have the guards here, so the hotel is safe. Because there are guards. But now if we left the hotel, that's where we might run into a real problem.

Yes, so it depends on where you want to go. Right. What are the attractions in, what are like the attractions in the area? All right. We, we have the national museum as well as the Botanical Garden, the Nature Park. We can organize a taxi for you or we can organize Black Swan VIP transport. Right. So if we're in, yes, if we're in the taxi on the way to the Botanical Garden, we'll probably be safe. Yes. So we can, we can get the taxi's number and the plate number. So we keep track of who and what's going on. That's good. So that makes me feel better. You'll keep track of the, the plate number on the taxi. Yes. And the taxi driver's seat as well. So we only, we only get comfort taxis. Those are the reliable taxis that we import mostly.

Right. But it, it's not the type of place where we would, we would want to just go walk around. Yes. Okay. But the in-room dining is good. Is it tasty? Yes. It's tasty. It's 24 hours. So you can order. Well, I like that. Well, I'm, you've sold me because the hotel has guards around it. And you can order the food at any time you want. Yes. Well, it sounds good. We also have, yes. We also have the Copa Pa, that's on ground level, fish restaurant, level one. And we also have the mobile restaurant. It's from Wednesday to Saturday. It's local traditional food.

Right. And it's just our only issue is that if we were to leave the hotel for any reason, there's a chance we could get attacked by a machete. All right. Yeah. So we can arrange tech like transport for you if you want to go somewhere. Right. Because that's the whole thing. Yes. Do, do you give out for the people that are staying in the hotel, will you give them, would you give us machetes so we could at least defend ourselves? Sorry, sir. Would you give us machetes so that we could defend ourselves on the street?

All right. I'm not sure about that. Okay. All right. Well, listen, you've sold me on this and I really appreciate all of your help. Thank you. I'm very excited about my trip. All right. And hopefully we see you soon here at Houston. Yes. I'm very excited about it. It sounds lovely. It sounds lovely. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Hold on. Give me, let me, let me, what? What? Good. How are you? What's going on? Well, we extended till 12 last night. Yeah. Yeah. We extended till 12 at the reception. Thank you. Thank you very much. Enough already. What was that about? I don't know. She wants us out of here, but that Port Moresby sounds lovely.

The Hilton looks, it's the nicest Hilton I've ever seen. It's great. It's great. Look at that. It's great. Look at that. It's lovely. That's CGI, but it's nice. What's the problem? That woman sounded like she was pretty, you know, she sounded pretty hopeful about our prospects. The only thing is you can't leave the hotel. Right.

And if you leave the hotel, they will arrange a specific taxi for you to take you to your murder. Well, these are the types of things that we're going to do next week. We're very excited about this because we have to get realistic. You're not going, you're not going to go to Anguilla. You know what I mean? You're just not. So what you're going to do is get realistic, and there's going to have to be certain things that you just fucking live with.

If you want to enjoy a nice vacation, import Moresby. You think that CGI, because look how nice that looks. I believe it is CGI. Yes. But God love that woman. And I'm very excited about it. And if I had a family, I would take them there over Padre Island. Where would you stay in Padre Island? Oh, just, uh, they have motels.

They have motels along the beach there. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's nice Delaware because they have some beaches and some college kids and you can go cheat on your wife with a college girl while your wife feeds your fat kids clams. You could go give a college girl a thousand dollars to hop on the deck.

Is there something wrong with that? My podcast with Alec Baldwin came out. Do people like it? Are the reviews good or are they not? It seems like people are excited about it. It looks like it was edited down, but I have no problem with that. Yeah. I mean, a lot of people do podcasts and then edit them down for reasons who knows.

Yeah. Who knows? And that's good. Right. Are you excited about this rainforest trip? I'm a little. You really don't seem excited. No, no, no.

You tried to get out of it like nine times. No, no, no, no, no. No, I'm, I'm excited about it. I'm scared of a couple of things. The private plane. Well, one, I'm scared of a private plane. So I read statistics this morning and looked into it. They're not good.

They're not great. But that's the same thing with Port Morrisby. You heard the woman just stay in your room. Don't go looking for a problem. Statistics, if you start reading statistics, you'll be off Twitter. Right. Keep going. Second thing is this is a wild excursion, this whole Australian trip.

And I feel like nature is trying to kill us around every corner. Yes. But that's why I am telling you right now. When they say that people are more powerful than nature, that's untrue. That's untrue, Ben. That's untrue. The ocean sucked us out into the sea. The ocean owns nothing.

The ocean, what's the market cap on the ocean? I'm not worried about nature. I'm worried about nurture, the people. Nature doesn't scare me. They have antivenom. I don't even think these animals are dangerous in the rainforest. The tree kangaroo. Is it true you can be allergic to antivenom when they give it to you and then you find out?

I don't know. So there are dangerous creatures in the area. Do you want me to read them off to you? Yeah, tell me what the dangerous creatures in the area are. There's the aracondi jellyfish, the box jellyfish, the blue-ringed octopus. That'll kill you, the blue-ring. The stonefish. Yes, that'll kill you.

Crocodiles. They'll do it. And there are sharks in the area. We're moving on to snakes now. There's the red-bellied black snake, the brown snake, the tiger snake, the death adder, and the typen. Arachnids. Ready for arachnids?

This one will affect you more than me, even though I've been bit by a brown recluse. You have the paralysis tick. Okay. A funnel web spider. That's right. And you have a red-back spider. Right. Those are your enemies in the Dain tree rainforest.

But isn't the real danger inequality? Like, isn't that the real problem? Isn't that the underlying issue here? Isn't that the real issue? If we're going to look at, you know, would the blue-ringed octopus be nearly as dangerous if it could work? Why are you so worried about these things? Well, like, as soon as we got here,

the nature tried to take our own lives. They tried to take us back into the earth where we die, and then it's eventually be stardust once again. Like, it wants us to return back into its soil. I'll never be stardust. I'll be another kind of dust. But that's a real, that's some Joni Mitchell song. We're not going to be stardust.

We might be star shit. But nature is trying to kill you all the time, because nature does not like winners. And we've won. Do you think Alec Baldwin's afraid of nature, Ben? Do you think a guy like that gives a shit? Another guy on that set got bit by a brown recluse spider and almost lost his arm.

And he's like, I don't know. I don't know. And that set got bit by a brown recluse spider and almost lost his arm. But Alec Baldwin did not. You know why? Because Alec Baldwin doesn't walk around like a pussy. I think you make way too much out of nature.

You got to show nature you're the boss. You're the boss. I don't even know that we have to leave our room. We have floor-to-ceiling windows. Why do we have to leave? You just look at it from the outside. Can you calm me down with the private plane thing a little bit? Yes.

There's a 50% chance we'll be OK. We've got some drunk Australian up there who's fucking lazy. And we're on some piece of shit plane going through the rainforest. I feel fine. I mean, I can't wait to see because the business manager is hooking this up. I can't wait to see what this thing is going to look like when we get there. He can't have us die. He needs us to keep earning money.

That's true. He's going to do the right thing. This is the one thing that I have faith in him because he can't have us die. We make money. So he wants to keep us alive at all costs. I think we'll be fine. OK.

I think we'll be fine. I think we'll be fine. We're flying a private plane with a drunk into the rainforest. I don't think it's a big deal. I really don't. And if you die, you die. You've already accomplished a lot.

I mean, I don't think you have to be. Your wife will bounce back. She'll marry your brother. Why? Why deny them that happiness? I'm just saying. If it is our fate to careen down and die in the Australian outback in a plane crash and be eaten by animals,

if that is our fate, it is our fate. It's not a big deal. You know, I read it one comforting statistic. Yeah. Is that you survive 95 percent of plane malfunctions or crashes. Is that true? That is absolutely untrue.

God, I didn't think it was, but I read it. I don't know where you read that. That is absolutely it is completely made up. That is a completely pretend statistic that I've never heard in my life. I'm just saying, man, you should relax. We're going into a place where there are deadly people, but nothing's more deadly than the white man,

the white American male. We've got red blood in our veins. We don't give a shit. I'm telling you right now, these things can only kill you if you let them in your head, Ben. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. I'm telling you, they're scared of us.

Those animals are scared of us. They're scared of us building cities and making them get jobs. They're scared of competition. They're scared of being outed as pussies. We've got nuclear weapons. We've got Amy Schumer. We've got it all. We've got big Ukrainian flags flying.

All over Texas. We've got the machinery of death. We've got secret societies. We've got international pedophile cults. We've got organ trading and human trafficking. We've got everything. We've got war and violence and chaos. We've got media empires, international lifestyle brands.

We've got influencers and TikTokers. We've got mansions with square footage and infinity pools. We've got bridges. We've got cruise liners where fat people take tours of shitholes. We've got everything. We've got politicians on the take. We've invented bribery, extortion, corruption. We murder for the sake of it for fun.

We've got gangs, both national and international. We've got militias. We've got religion. We've got all kinds of things. Crazy pedophile priests and pastors marrying 16-year-olds. We've got it all. We've got private prisons. We've got hospitals that'll take your organs

right before you're about to go and sell them to someone else. We are humanity. We are what saved this planet. We are what made it special. We've got amusement parks where people die on the rides because we don't do safety checks. We've got electric cars that go really fast. And we've even got Elon Musk safeguarding Twitter.

We're okay. We're good. The sharks and the octopuses and all of this bullshit, they will never pose even a scantilla of the threat that humanity does. We have won. We have dominated. Go into the rainforest with that mentality. Look at every natural, beautiful thing and go,

this would look a hell of a lot better. Lined with four seasons, resorts, condos, pokeball places, amusement parks. It's our planet for the taking, Ben. It's not for the animals anymore. It's not for the animals. Whitney Cummings can say whatever she wants. She can rescue dogs.

She can jerk off horses. She can do whatever she wants. But at the end of the day, you know what happens? You know who really wins us, the human, because we can reason. We've made this a beautiful place where everyone is happy. That's the most important thing you have to remember. We've given people the gift of gambling, the gift of chance. We've got the Barstool Sports Playbook.

You think I'm afraid of a shark? We've got Dave Portnoy. We've got it all. I'm not afraid of nature. It's been there 180 million years and it's done nothing. It's done shit. It just sits there and lives. Nothing is more boring than life.

Nothing. So you have to go into that area with that attitude. That's the attitude that pushes civilization forward. That's the attitude that drives all innovation. That's the attitude. Stop worrying about the animals, the fauna, the flora, the plants, the diseases, all of that, the weather. It's all irrelevant.

You can beat it. You can beat it all with one of those ice cream cones that looks like a fish. Do you see? Do you feel better now? Yeah, I feel better. Thank you. All you need is your confidence. You need to have the confidence of a white man abroad.

You don't have it. That's what I'm worried about. If I worry too much, I'm going to create something out of the worry. Rather than- That's exactly right. Because nature might fuck with you because you respect it. People fuck that up. They start respecting the thing that wants them dead.

I don't respect nature. I respect the Mandarin Oriental. I respect tea service. I respect the Beverly Hills Hotel. I respect $150 million property in Malibu. I respect boats. I barely respect people. I just like the things they create.

So I would not get too lost in this. It's not a big deal. It's really not a big deal. You've already won. You've already dominated. These things out here can't hurt you. They can only hurt you in your mind. That's the reality.

That's the way you have to think. Because that woman says, well, don't leave your room in Port Moresby. Don't leave your room. She's afraid. But is she afraid of the snakes and the snakes? Is she afraid of sharks? Are you not leaving your room because of sharks?

Are sharks dragging you out of the car with the machete? No. The only things you ever have to fear is really people. You have to fear people and you have to fear boredom. That's why the best thing that Vladimir Putin could do when he wakes up from his cancer coma is launch a massive nuclear strike to remind people that we're still the boss on this goddamn planet.

We're the boss. And if we have to have a nuclear war that involves several nations and destroys the lives of millions of billions of people to just show everybody that we're back, baby. This pandemic sidelined us for a little bit, but we're back. We got way into nature with this pandemic.

Oh, the pandemic. There's forces that are out of our control. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. We need to come back. We need to come back with a nuclear war to just show people that we don't give a fuck. That's the most important thing.

So I think you'll really enjoy the trip. I think I'll really enjoy it. I think Sam Talent will enjoy it. The most important thing to remember is that statistically, you're more likely to get killed any other way than by a shark or a blue-ringed octopus. Really, you know, you're more likely to get killed anywhere.

So again, I would just relax, calm down, you know, and stop obsessing about things that are irrelevant, you know? We're staying in a high-end hotel. This is a high-end resort. They've gone to all of the trouble to colonize nature and sell it to us. Let's buy it. Good luck, everyone.