The Tim Dillon Show - 389 - Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt

Episode Date: April 20, 2024

Tim talks about Israel’s strike on Iran, the Columbia University protests, being gay in the Middle East, Plus Size Park Hoppers and what makes aunts cool but tragic. American Royalty Tour 🎟 https://punchup.live/TimDillon SPONSORS: Mood Get 20% off your first order plus a free THC pre-roll at hellomood.com with promo code TIM. Morgan & Morgan For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim Helix Sleep Go to HelixSleep.com/TimD for 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows with code: HELIXPARTNER20. Hims Go to Hims.com/TIM for your personalized ED treatment options. ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim Dillon show. I have injured the side of my mouth By biting it and uh If you've ever done that when you bite the side of your mouth it inflames and it swells and you keep Biting it and that is the middle east That's all it'll ever be That is it. You don't have to read any books on it. You don't have to take any courses You don't have to listen to your friend's wife who saw a documentary.

It is biting the side of your cheek. I get very excited sometimes when I eat. I do not take my time. My grandmother used to say, you don't know your body has eaten. That's why you keep eating. Your mind doesn't know that your body has eaten. That's why you keep eating. Your mind doesn't know that your body is full. So when you bite the side of your mouth, it inflames and it's there and you keep biting

it and then sometimes you'll get a chunk of it in your mouth and release. You'll go, that was close because it could have been bad. That's the entire Middle East. That's it. There's nothing else to do. You can read, you can learn words like Bedouin or whatever. It doesn't matter. That's essentially what's happening. We're in World War III. I am on war footing. I am ready to go. Are you? I punched an Iranian woman today in the face in Starbucks. The cops later told me she was Greek, but she called me a fat shit. And I was like, this is what war looks like on the home turf. You call me a fat shit, I'm going to rock you. And I rocked her. Now I have a court date, which I'll have to know. Of course, that is kidding. I'm

against violence against women, kinda. But what I think is important, I just got back from a trip abroad. I was abroad. And with the great Sam Talent, nobody better to travel with, we did it all. And with the great Sam Talent, nobody better to travel with. We did it all. I'm not going to name where we were, but we were everywhere and I talked to everybody about everything. I have all of the opinions from the European continent for you. And I have condensed them to one sentence. Because everybody has a lot of things to

say but we don't have the time we're not living in a time so I've condensed them I've truncated all of the different opinions from Scandinavia from the south of France from Glasgow Scotland the rainy Glasgow from London I've condensed all the opinions from Finland on the border of Russia I've condensed the opinions to one sentence actually four words What I have learned after and and why are you nervous?

Everyone gets, the producer gets nervous now because he doesn't know what's about to happen. Cause he's trying to like, he's trying to get lifestyle brands to advertise on the show and know the scumbags who he pay go, well, why doesn't he post more lifestyle content? And I post all the time. I post pictures of pretty things all of the

time I post but you don't like what I say afterwards I post pictures of pretty things all the time can I tell you what I've learned after being on the European continent what I have learned okay this is what I have learned. This is the this is the headline. This is the pull quote Okay Okay Get ready strap in Okay

The Holocaust I'm kidding, but that's that's that here's what I'm what I'm getting at Israel is not popular right now. They're not popular Right now They're having image problems at the moment It's the girl who's feeling herself too much. We're happy for, we're happy she made a full recovery after the car accident. Donna, we

love it. We're happy. We're happy that you're up walking around and she lost a little weight and she dyed her hair and the kids call this a glow up but it's a lot now Donna Donna it's a lot it's a girl who's feeling herself a bit too much she has pain we all have pain she has pain and she reminds you of her pain she'll tell you she's she's that girl with a pain and she reminds you of her pain. She'll tell you. She's that girl with a pain and it's very accessible. She can go to the well of her pain and she knows. She's been through it.

She was bullied in sixth grade bad and people tell you they'll go, Donna man, hoof, sixth grade was rough for Donna every day tough She had to get on that bus and they went at her they went at her throat Everyone knows someone like we get it Israel has had pain and I'm not taking it away from them, but now They are kind of feeling themselves a bit too much.

They're doing what this they're doing the most is what the lexicon of the internet would say. And people are. They're a little, you know. There's a level of, you know, even the supporters of Israel are kind of going, hey, it's watching a friend make a very bad decision. That is like what I think what we're watching right now. I understand the problem. I understand the issues.

I'm not a child. I'm not at the Columbia, what's that thing they're doing? That transfer I ran the protest. Everyone's mad at, they're doing transfer I ran. Let them do it. Let the kids be transfer I ran if they want. Because that's the funny of what the time we're living in.

The Iranians should have to have trans allies in dog collars with COVID masks on. That's what they get. You don't always have the fan base you want. Remember when Trump was like, why is everyone here so poor? He said to his aides, he goes, why does everyone here look like shit? And they go, well, you appeal to a lot of people that don't have a lot going on. He didn't love that. You're never going to get the fan base you necessarily want, necessarily love, but you do the best with it. You make it happen. You make it work. They'll make it work. The biggest, you know, the people right now that are like very vocally like pro-Iran

are a very ragtag group of like, like malcontents. And, you know, I have this quote from the free press Where they were at some anti-war rally and you know they have a woman and she's wearing like dog collars and she's got a muzzle on and the protect trans kids shirt and you know, she has like a pink ass mask on or something and everybody's in combat boots at the San Francisco City Hall or whatever and Everybody's in combat boots at the San Francisco City Hall or whatever. And you know, Iran is going to have to confront that those are their allies here. That doesn't mean that all of those allies are terrible to have.

I'm just saying that's what you got. That's what you got. Sure, you want those 19 relatively handsome hijackers from Saudi Arabia like you had in 2001 sure but times change things move on and the anti-war movement in America is always kind of and they there's got to be some level of this that's engineered not all of it but there's got to be some level of anybody in this country that doesn't want a war and there's any kind of protest or rally. Within minutes, the craziest people you've ever seen show up. I'm talking about dwarfs and like mythical creatures from Middle Earth People are wait like fawns show up like centaurs are at the rally. It's so

viscerally disturbing That everybody's like maybe we should just maybe we should just do the war. I Got to stand here with these people that guys that's a centaur. I Mean go to some of these protests that's a centaur. I mean go to some of these protests. Columbia is doing a what a sit-in or all the kids are camping out for yeah for Palestine for Palestine and here's the deal because Israel has been so aggressive in the way it's prosecuted this war and they've killed I believe 40 000 people and it's all on TikTok and you can watch this and the horrors are unfolding in front of your face. It's completely natural that people,

especially young people, have a reaction the way that people are having. They're revolted by this level of violence and you know nobody has the stomach for this and even Israel's most ardent supporters for the most part are wondering if this is the right course of action because Israel has suffered and I'm a supporter of Israel's right to exist but Israel suffered a tremendous suffered a tremendous loss of prestige in the world community. Now, some people go, they don't care. The world community has always hated Israel. Maybe there's some truth to that. But I'm just saying it is not.

Yeah, so they're arresting these people. Now, these people set up tents at Columbia University. They've done this a few times in the past. And they're doing this to show solidarity with the people in Palestine that are, and they're encouraging Columbia to divest from whatever. Can I not? I don't want to be indelicate here, but don't the Jews, and I mean, shut it off for a minute. I'm not trying to be indelicate. Don't the Jews own Columbia?

Like my parents don't own Columbia. I mean, I'm just not trying to be indelicate, but don't the kids know where they are? Like I, I mean, I'm not trying, am I, do I sound indelicate? Didn't Jewish people buy Columbia? Aren't most of the endowments coming from, so it's like kids, you know, I'm not saying don't

set up the tents, you know, if that's the way you feel. These protests don't do much, by the way. Shutting down the Golden Gate Bridge. And I'm, again, I'm not morally telling people not to protest. I'm saying the ruling class of the country doesn't really care. They don't really care. It does not matter to them. If a bunch of kids at Columbia get in a tent. So can you

explain at Columbia University what's happening? Yeah so you have over a hundred students got arrested they've been basically doing like a sit-in about how they don't there were 15 students I think that were either removed from something because of their anti-Zionist protest and so then these are the students supporting the students that got removed. So these are all like pro-Palestinian people. People are mad about this. There's more going on. It's a hotbed over there. People are fighting with each other and spitting on each other and beating each other up. I think I've heard. Yeah, there's violence. Yeah. People are angry. Well, I think it's good for them. Really. I think it's good. I do. I think a little I think a little excitement in the quad is fine. I do. I think it's fine. I'm very happy about, you know, I don't, you know,

what do they do? What is this? The Death to America club? There's something funny about it. Um, we, listen, if we're going to be the country that's all about like free speech and all the bullshit We have you know you have to you have to respect people's rights to do transfer Iran You have to you have to support male men that are pregnant men Who support Iran? They're allowed to. You can be gay for Iran.

And everyone's like, well, in those countries, people would, they would die. I'm like, yeah, but people, people want to die. People want to get stoned. People like people have a humiliation fetish. People want the things that don't accept them. There's no fun in being gay in Portland, Maine. You want to be gay in Iran, where you could get killed. You know how fun it is to suck someone off in Iran when no one knows? Because the outside of the door is your own death. You know how boring it is to choke down a cock in Portland, Maine?

You can do it at dinner. You can choke down a cock in Portland, Maine at a seafood restaurant. No one would say anything to you. You could suck someone off. You could take out your pink cock, your little pink cock, and someone could suck it off while it barely stayed hard and they worked it with their hand and mouth to try to get the fucking blood flowing in your member at a seafood restaurant and the most that would happen to you is the fat lesbian who's shucking the oysters might roll her eyes. That is the most it will happen to you

There's no fun in that the fun is being gay in Saudi Arabia Where you're literally getting sucked off while you watch someone get beheaded for getting sucked off Is there anything more fun than coming while watching a beheading of someone who's getting beheaded for coming? You feel alive while watching a beheading of someone who's getting beheaded for coming. You feel alive. We've done so much in this country to make people feel, you know, I don't know, whatever the term is, bored. And they have this terminal boredom.

And what they're fantasizing about is the secret police opening their door in the middle of the night ripping them out and going you've been a bad boy now haven't you and i think that's good there's nothing wrong with it yes it's a bit inconsistent perhaps but only if you don't understand human, feminists want to get punched in the face. They want to get thrown in the back of a car and driven to the woods of New Hampshire and and they want their skin ripped off and they want someone to wear it and run around.

That's what it is. It's not inconsistent. If you know human nature, nobody's wants the thing. They say they want. None of these people want a progressive world where everybody's, they just want to step on the throat of the people that bother them. So the people that are running around doing transfer Iran, they don't care that Iran would

light them all on fire. They just want to vanquish their enemy and And their enemy of the moment is the bagel head. Mazza face. That's their enemy at the moment. People go, well, it's inconsistent. Like all the right-wingers are like, it's inconsistent. Some of the left-wingers, you know, the broad, and they're right if they're, but again,

if you're taking them at their word, it's inconsistent. Well it's inconsistent. These feminists don't care about women being right. No, they don't. They don't. Because they don't be, but they never did. They never did. You took them at their word, dummy.

They all said, we want a world where everyone, no, no, no, no, no. They wanted a hierarchy where they were at the top. And they think if they figure it, maybe, if they figure out a way to defeat Israel, Iran will let them be trans in Iran. Maybe Iran, maybe the mullahs will like go like, you know, listen, we were, I mean, we were not into this. Can you imagine like 15 years from now, somebody

in Iran going, I mean, I mean, the strides this country has made are amazing. We have because our allies were trans people wearing leather harnesses and N95 masks in America and they came over and defeated the Jews somehow. And now they run Iran. They just want to be mullahs. All of these people in the COVID masks, they just want to be the mullahs. And what we hope is that the mullahs like their lives enough and their power, and they always do, that they're not going to get in any type of regional war

that will sacrifice their power. Because the citizens of these countries care about the Palestinians. The governments really don't. The governments don't. Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Jordan, they just want money. They want money. And they don't want to do anything that would jeopardize them getting money.

Or, you know, their positions in the Middle East. Their power. Or you know their positions in the Middle East their power their proximity to You know the type of money that They are making with the United States You know, this is the reality is but people are looking after themselves all these regimes look after themselves reality is but people are looking after themselves. All these regimes look after themselves. So they're not fighting Israel over this shit. They don't care. It's not their fight. It isn't. Literally. It's not their fight. Now you might go, well, that's a genus and you're

sure but they don't care. That's Tuesday over there. People slaughter each other all the time. In America, it is disturbing to see people in masks getting killed. In other places, they have a higher tolerance for that. They have no strategic interest in getting in this war. They don't. Russia's got their own issues. Russia doesn't. Russia's dealing with their own problems. China's got their issue. This Israel-Palestine issue is not an issue for everybody. It's an issue for, and by the way, this is the guy, I'm not talking about you do whatever you want. You want to put a, you know, you want to do a dance for the, great. I have no issue with that. Voice your discontentment any way you want. I have a platform, I speak to millions of people a week

and nothing I say matters and it never will. I make money, but nothing I say matters and nothing you say will probably matter. Sorry, sorry. I apologize for that, it's not nice to hear that the transfer I ran sit in will probably be forgotten. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm saying the levers of power in this country

and the people that have their hands on them aren't looking at campus discontentment as a meter of what they should do. Israel has exhausted everybody. Everybody at the State Department, I speak to a lot of people. I'm not saying I know things you don't, but I do. I don't know a lot of things you don't, but I know I speak to maybe certain people that you don't speak to.

Who go, everybody is exhausted right now with Israel to stay to, but most people are exhausted. Everybody's kind of at the end of their rope. They're at the end of their rope. They're going like, Hey, hey girl. Hey girl. I mean, you know what it is? It's the friend who just won't stop with the photos. Line up over that line up. Everyone line up. It's my day. Hey, Hey, Sasha, come here, come here.

Listen, your parents are getting tired. Your mother is a cancer survivor. She just wants to sit down. Line up! It's my day! We're doing photos! It's a bridesilla. It's too much. It's just not, you know?

And I know the anti-Semitism is bad, It's too much. It's just not, you know? And I know the anti-Semitism is bad, but talking about it will make it worse. Please pipe down about it a little bit, because it makes it worse to keep running your mouth about it. The anti-Semitism. Yes, yes, yes, there are, there are people in the world that do not like Jews. Okay, several continents. That's not ideal. That's not ideal.

But talking about endlessly bringing it up every it's not helping. Ignore it. Pretend they like you. endlessly bringing it up every it's not helping ignore it Pretend they like you pretend they like you because they kind of like you Saudi Arabia kind of likes you a little not their people but their leaders do Qatar You know Jordan and Egypt are kind of like like you don't need like this whole like everyone in the world is against me They're against me It's like we got to change

that Because it's exhausting everybody's tired of it. It's tiring you'd hate it You'd hate it if it never ended so My advice is to everybody again Let's take it down Let's take let's take we got the Olympics come. Hey idiots We got the Olympics coming up

everybody better get the Olympics the Olympics are coming let's be nice you're telling me the opening ceremony of the Olympics if you I'm telling you right now is this the Winter Olympics or the summer I really don't know what's happening yeah right it's good summer the summer Olympics I really don't know what's happening. Yeah, right, it's good. Summer. The Summer Olympics. I was gonna say something about figure skating, but that's not gonna work now.

So I have to find something else. Synchronized swimming. If Israel and Palestine do a synchronized swimming at the Olympics in Paris, swimming at the Olympics in Paris. And everybody is in red because everybody is, we let beauty win. We let beauty win. We let beauty win.

We get a bunch of hot Israelis and hot Palestinians, the ones that are left and we get them, you know, good looking tan, not with the huge noses, I don't love that. But enough of a nose to know where they're from, right? We get them, they're hot. And we make them practice together. And they do a beautiful synchronized swimming event at the, cause the Paris Olympics, by the way. They might scale down the opening ceremonies because everybody's trying to

blow it up. Get that article up. Emmanuel Macron. Emmanuel Macron, the leader of Paris, who everyone keeps saying his wife's a man, but I don't think she is she's just an unfortunate looking woman Now this guy keeps going hey, we're trying to do the Olympics here and Everybody is trying to blow it up And this is why I say to Israel I I go, guys, can we have a fucking Olympic Games without you being nuts? Please? How about the hostages are returned at the Olympics?

Bring them at the Olympic Games. Hamas comes out with the hostages at the Olympics. There's no imagination anymore in this fucking world. That's why nothing can ever get done because nobody has any theatrical imagination. Nobody understands the the power of an image. And the image of the the the Imagine this the the Olympic torch, right? The hostages come out with it

Hamas brings out the hostages with and they and they have the torches and They light and they light the Olympic torch And It's over and it's over and And they light the Olympic torch. And it's over. And it's over. And it's a century of peace. Can we get, can someone try to make that happen? Can some, is that not,

if I worked at the State Department, I would say, can we do this at the Olympics? Let's do it at the Olympics Get to get those tunnels open We're here at the Olympics You know, we do an Edith P off that song You know Levy and Rose or whatever they come out at the Olympics The hostages are eating baguettes because it's fun because it's France they come out there

Quasar house to have croissants. They you know, they look tough. They've been in the tunnel for a while But we get them dress them up. We have the top makeup people top people right But of course the Palestinian People are also have to have to be there, you know, they have to be involved and You're telling me it's not a powerful moment these two countries that up until a week ago We're literally all they wanted was the other one to be dead now These really hostages are out and they would in Ohio somewhere in Ohio you

would hear that you would hear you I was to the southern accent it's not Ohio but you know honey you're not gonna believe this get in here what come here I don't like the Olympics I'm'm watching my psychic program. Come in here now. Fine. They got the Israeli hostages. They're at the Olympics. What? Remember the hostages that were in the tunnel?

They're at the Olympics. What's in their hands? Baguettes. Why? Cause it's fucking France. This is fucking nuts. All right. Anything else? No. People around the country would believe in magic again. There isn't just one way to celebrate 420 and there isn't just one way to enjoy your THC. Mood can help you achieve the right high with their federally legal flour gummies, vapes, and more. Browse by different moods or get 20% off your first order

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They're not like, you know what I mean? Because a lot of people's energy now is very like, that's not this. This is very like, because a lot of people now, when you encounter them in the wild, they're kind of like, Because a lot of people now, when you encounter them in the wild, they're kind of like, but that's not this. This is more like, mood has ten high-inducing strains, the most potent they've ever offered. Mood puts an end to guessing games with federally legal forms of THC extracted from hemp plants. All of their products are regularly tested in third-party labs. Sourced

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Really, I mean, they go, they look at the plans, you know? They look at the blueprints of the restaurants. They're talking about the beams, you know? They go there. They're talking about, you know, what's a load bearing column and what's not. And people are mad at them because there's a whole genre of the internet now where fat people are cringe. And then people get mad at them and be like, stop eating pizza!

That's a whole genre. It's a whole column of online behavior now is like someone who's 700 pounds dipping a garlic bread stick into something and then like a million comments sort of like you're gonna die stop doing it from people that are slightly less fat now I support these women by the way these are the only people that ever should be at Disney World no one should be at Disney World Um, if you take your kids to Disney World do it one time if you do it all the time You have no imagination you're disgusting and you should have your kids taken by cps

The dumbest least interesting people I know constantly bring their kids to Disney World to get molested by the characters You take them one time take them when they're five if they ask to go back. Oh, we don't do that You know why because mom and dad have brains so we've planned vacations where we can learn a little something, too Okay, it's not all gonna be big puppets and People dressed in costumes. We're gonna go to different places and different countries and we're gonna learn So Disney World should be filled with morbidly obese singles sliding into booths, eating buffalo wild wings level food, and watching fireworks displays while they digest. What I like about the plus-size

Park Hoppers is they go to each restaurant and they tell you if you can fit in it. After that they then review the food but this one they didn't fit in. Usually they fit in it and when they fit in it they actually are quite kind. They're like Jessica got the breadsticks. They were really warm and good. They came with a spicy dipping sauce that was a little too spicy for me. But it balanced really well with the Caesar salad that was served in an Asiago cheese bowl. I ate the entire bowl while no one was looking and it felt really good.

The next course we had was the pot roast that came in a traditional 1950s style pot. There was not enough jus and the meat was a little dry, but I still choked it down with a strawberry milkshake, which I got from another restaurant and I kept with me for most of the day. Even though it was warm, it provided the lubrication I needed to get the pot roast down my throat. Then I ate a churro I found on the floor, 15 M&Ms, and then I left. Like, so now, the plus-size park hoppers are unhappy they're unhappy now they don't fit in this restaurant so they get very nasty about the food here's what you have to remember about the plus-size park hoppers

all of the food in Disney World is bad like everything in Disney it's bad it's bad the rides aren't even good nothing's good the reason you think it's bad. It's bad. The rides aren't even good. Nothing's good. The reason you think it's good is because you're stupid. That's why you think it's good. Even if you have children, you should be rolling your eyes. Your kids should be happy. You should take a few, I'm not a heartless person. The kids should be happy.

The Mickey Mouse hugs your son or daughter or your non-binary child. And you take a photo of them and you're happy. But that should last a few minutes, and then you should go, it's hot, lines, it's gross. Immediately, if like, anyone's like, this is the most magical place in the world, anyone who says that, I want so far away from me,

I want so far away from me, when anyone says, I have a friend who I actually really like, him and his wife go to Disney World, they go on Disney cruises, I think there's something wrong with them. They have a beautiful family, I love this guy, he was like a brother to me growing up, but him and his wife, they said it the other day, they're like we're going to Disney again, they keep going to Disney World, they go on the cruises, they will not leave their house unless Disney World is involved. Disney picks them up

in a shuttle, it flies, there's Disney planes, there. Disney picks them up in a shuttle, it flies, there's Disney planes, there's Disney ferries, they don't do anything that's not Disney. Everything is Disney World. They are, they, and it, to me it is, it is disgusting. It is disgusting. You should be teaching your children about culture,

about the world. You take them to Scandinavia. You take them to Scandinavia. You take them to places like that. You take them to Europe. You take them to China. You do not continually keep taking them to the fucking Magic Kingdom, to Epcot. Take them to France.

Don't take them to Epcot. Plus size park hoppers. Let's see them get mean. I need to eat at the quietest restaurant on Disney property, but you weren't sure if to Epcot. Plus-sized park hoppers. Let's see them get mean. I need to eat at the quietest restaurant on Disney property, but you weren't sure if you'd fit. Hey everyone, we're plus-sized park hoppers, and we range in sizes from 2X to 5X. Make sure you like this video and follow us for more plus-sized Disney tips and tricks. On this episode of If I Fit Size 6, we visit Sci-Fi Dining in Hollywood Studios. This restaurant takes you back in time to a 1950s drive-in, where you dine under the stars while watching short sci-fi diner in Hollywood studios. This restaurant takes you back in time to a 1950s drive-in where

you dine under the stars while watching short sci-fi clips. The seating at this restaurant is a mixture of picnic tables, car booths, and cars with tables in it. Let us start out by saying that the ambiance here is a 10 out of 10. We were initially seated at a car booth and we fit but it was a tight squeeze so we opted for a picnic table. It also would have been super awkward as a party of three as there are two people per row. Ashley would have had to sit behind us and it would be pretty difficult to talk to her. Unfortunately these booths are not adjustable. Picnic tables were fine but they were picnic tables. I would like to note that the picnic table chairs cannot be moved. The menu here is pretty small with mostly burger options. Katie

and I started out with the milkshakes. They kind of tasted like a frosty, but not as good. Ashley and I got the black garlic Caesar salad. I couldn't taste any garlic over all of the salt on the lettuce and the lettuce was bitter. Then Ashley got the Bon Me burger. The whole burger was soggy and the flavor was lackluster. I got the classic American burger,

which I actually really liked. And the sauce on the side was delicious. I liked this much better than the salad. I tried the grilled chicken citrus salad and also found her salad to be salty. Like literal flakes of salt. I think you guys are salty because you didn't fit. Have you been dying to eat at the... I love my girls. My plus-size park hoppers. That's exact... by the way it's so funny to watch the Disney people get mad in the comments. It's like that's what this is. What do you think it is? What do you think it is? Who do you think should be there? Okay.

Somebody goes it's very sad four beautiful young girls like you instead of taking care of yourselves decide to create an Instagram account to review among other things if you can fit in restaurants at Disney parks. Come on, you were in the best moment of your life. Take advantage of your passion for parks and try to enjoy them being more fit, healthy, instead of this.

So he's more insane than them. Do you see how the commenter is more crazy than them? Take your passion for parks? They're fucking adults! They're adults! There's people in the park. It's based off of cricket. The guy that started it was a Nazi. He was a Nazi. People are walking around. It's like he's crazier than they are. You should be enjoying these parks as a fit

person. What? Imagine getting in great shape and then going to Disney World like going back? Now I only eat a quarter of the shit burger at the fucking pedophile Nazi land. It's a horrible place. Anyone who likes Disney World, and I want them so far away from me. And I want them so far away from me. I love this article. I read that the cool ant stereotype study finds ants play a critical support role to LGBTQ youth. Let's talk about this cool ant thing for a little bit. Cause I have a lot to say about this by the way.

Cause it dovetails into a lot of what I talk about, which is kind of this reverse engineering people who actually have very, very tragic lives into these folk heroes, okay? You know, my friend had a cool aunt, her name was Aunt Deb, okay? She was single, she had a leather jacket, she drank and smoked cigarettes all day. When you're 13, we thought she was single, she had a leather jacket, she drank and smoked cigarettes all day.

When you're 13, we thought she was the best. She had this guy she was kind of in and out of a relationship with. Okay. She would list a Fleetwood Mac real loud and she would smoke cigarettes on a toilet. And we thought that was great. She'd get high in her backyard and she'd get in the hot tub. Okay. And she'd blast the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.

When the rain washes you clean, you know. Thunder only happens when it's raining. And she would just smoke her butt and she would just dance at this bar called the Irish Circle. Players only love you when they're playing. And we'd go, what a cool aunt. Here's what it really was. She was living in hell.

She was living in. players only Love you when they're playing Drink and drive you have no kids to kill Go home and take that bottle of pills So this uh this idea is cool and we invented this term to like make people's lives less terrible. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with it either, because not everybody is going to have, I mean everybody's life has a degree of tragedy, some more than others.

But this cool aunt that we never care about really, it's, we, no one checks on her. Nobody checks on the cool aunt. Hey, are you okay? No one says that. No one says that to the cool aunt. The cool aunt is just kind of there to be cool. You can sneak a cigarette with your cool aunt.

You can tell your cool aunt you suck someone off at the park you're cool you can I suck someone off at the park yeah if I had a dollar for everyone I sucked off at the park when the rain washes you clean you'll know every cool aunt listens to dreams by Fleetwood Mac while fisting herself every cool ant is In her bed with a vibrator listening to dreams by Fleetwood Mac the room smells like weed every cool ant when the rain washes Clean y'all know

Thunder only happens when it's raining every cool aunt shows up to the wedding a little late cuz she she put on a nice buzz the night before she put on a nice buzz the night before every cool aunt has a story of like her best friend killing themselves or something. They always have like a locket or something and she's like, that's my friend Sarah. She was my best friend. She was going to be a ballerina. She killed herself. She's dead now. Put on Fleetwood Mac.

But I'd sleep with We saw fleet with Mac together and then Sarah drove home and she was hit by a drunk That's why I drive drunk To dull the pain Every cool aunt's best friend was murdered in front of her She always has some quasi Lesbo relationship with a woman who was beheaded in front of her I always had some quasi-lesbo relationship with a woman who was beheaded in front of her. That was... I had an Aunt Jen! She's had pills!

She like asks for money for drugs. She was the cool aunt. She like now, like they've taken her children. You know what I mean? Like the government comes into her house with battering rams now. She was the cool aunt. She was cool. You could tell her anything. We can tell her

anything. Now she's like, like all of her kids are trans. She made them all trans. She like told them they were trans. She's like, you're all trans. Mommy loves her trans babies. When the rain washes you clean Thunder only happens when it's raining My kids are all trans there's no explaining The teachers called CPS on me They called... This is the natural end of the coolant the natural end of the coolant I didn't end up faked her own death I mean I'm not even gonna go through this I'm just saying it's funny what does this article say ants play a surprisingly critical role in supporting LGBTQ youth by the way aren't most and I

don't want to sound indelicate or offensive to people, I know people have real problems out there, but at this point, aren't a lot of LGBTQ outside of very religious families or stuff or people that don't like you, but it's not just your cool aunt anymore. There is more acceptance than just a cool aunt. The researchers interviewed 83 LGBTQ youth in South Texas and the Inland Empire of California Who reported ambivalence or low support from their parents regarding their identity

Of those mentioned 38 mentioned their aunts when asked to identify their most supportive non-parental. Yeah, cuz your aunt doesn't care What you do nor should they? Here's the deal if you come out as gay and your parents hate you they Here's the deal, if you come out as gay and your parents hate you, they're pieces of shit. If you come out as trans and your parents hate you, like really trans, then they're pieces of shit, or maybe they just need some time. But if you're gonna be one of these people who's constantly confusing everyone

with 18 identities every other minute, you can't expect everybody to validate and affirm you all the time, you know, and I think maybe this is what they're they're running into here. You know, I don't know, I'm sure there are people that come out and go, I'm gay and their parents don't like them. And their aunt's like, you know, one of my friends is gay, his name is Jimmy. They're always kind of drunk, your aunt. They always kind of have like a neurological disorder a little bit.

When it comes out when they drink, they kind of like start to have like MS a little when they drink. And all the cool aunts are like, they always have like a, they're always like wise. They think they're like wise beyond their years. You know what mean they have like an old car but it's cool it smells like cigs my friend Jimmy was gay he's dead he died on the beach no one knows how you want to go to a movie with me? Your mother was always different than I was. Real prom queen type. I like my job at the local paper.

I write the obituaries. My friend Jimmy was gay. He was in a relationship with his own father. I mean, you could just tell how much it meant for them to have this adult family member, this aunt who saw them for who they were, loved them for who they are, and will do anything for them. I think we often miss this because so much research

focuses on the parent-child dynamic or parents rejecting their child. We're missing that there are actually adult family members such as aunts who are deeply supporting and loving. By the way, totally agree that there's I think we got to get move beyond the parent, move beyond the aunt. How about the boss? How about the boss? How about a little capitalism? How about a little capitalism here? Oh, if you're a killer at your job, they don't care who you fuck. How about that?

How about that? You know How about that? Define yourself by what you do now who you are be a unit of production you are. Be a unit of production. Stop with people accepting you. First of all, guys, can we stop with this crap? People accepting you and validating you. It's like, I don't know what happened. When I was growing up, literally it was the, everybody was like, be who you are. And if people aren't on board with that fuck them you can be an individual then it became like somewhere it became like this it became like your job is to convince everyone that lives on this

earth to vocally support you at all times and you're like well that sounds exhausting and counterproductive that sounds like like odd. They're like, no, it's literally your job to make everybody around you believe the things you believe. The job of a cool aunt, okay, is to present an option for you. That life is an option. There's worse lives. There's getting your hijab ripped off an Iran and getting acid thrown in your face. That's much worse than being the cool aunt. The cool aunt's an option. Her job is to present that option. When you're a teenager, all the friends you have that are adults are there to present

an option of how to live. You can be like mommy, you can be like daddy, you can be like aunt Jolene. You can be like your cousin, that soccer dyke at the state school who's a little too pepped up all the time and happy. She's really in the... we had red night, blue night, red team, blue team, and I was on the blue team in the last We had Red Night Blue Night, Red Team Blue Team, and I was on the Blue Team in the last year I was on the Red Team, and it's really fun because we all get involved, we all play sports, we all drink and I eat pussy. And I drink all the time and everything's about being on a sports team and doing games and fun stuff. Don't you want to go to the fucking rec center and party. I hope I never leave school be like me. My name is Krista

My name is Krista. I frizzy hair in a big bush. I pretend to like cock You can be her and be her if you want Or you can be and Deb when the rain washes you clean That's one day. we had another aunt Deb This was not a cool aunt. I kind of liked a little better whose husband divorced her and she lived in a big house Upstate and she was terrifying. She was kind of like I don't know she had like a side show Bob energy and she um She would just Open the door if me and her kids were there, like we'd have sleepover, she'd just open the door

and she would just, she would just go, go to sleep. Shut your mouth. She got to sleep. She would say to like gritted teeth, you go, shut up. And her sister lived across the street and she had more money. So she like hated her a little bit, but she didn't, but she like resented her. She had to go to sleep. Everybody's going to sleep now.

The day is over, she used to say it. The day is over. But so that's the job. The job of any cool aunt is to present to you an option for how you can live. When you're 14 and you're looking around at the world, you're like, alright, there's people that are rich, there's people that are happy, there's people that are broke and happy and rich and miserable, there's people that are deadly serious about everything, there's people that are kind of goofy and clownish, there's people that seem to have secrets

and they're mysterious and they have layers. Some of those people actually have those things. Many of them are just very boring. You realize that later. Some of the secret mysterious people are actually just incredibly dull. You learn that as you grow up in life. You're like, oh no, I thought you were cool. Are you a spy? It's like they're not no spy. And it's all options. You take it all in as a child. And you know, you take it all in, but the cool aunt is an option. She goes, this is what happens if you allow a song to be, can you get that non copyrighted?

Is there any way? I can try. The cool aunt is if you allow the song dreams from Fleetwood Mac to become your personality in life. OK? would Mac to become your personality in life. Okay. A cool aunt is about a Sunday 430 p.m. vibe. She's got a margarita. She's at a bar. She's tan. She's a little chunky. She's having a few pops. She's having a few pops. Maybe she's got a burger with some potato chips, not fries. She's a wildcard. She likes chips with the burger. Okay? It's every cool amp. It's the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.

Is this real? Could this be real? No copyright? No, these are all like techno versions. We'll get dinged really hard. I mean, I know. If we play Dreams by Fleetwood Mac right now, here's what'll happen. YouTube will run in the studio, and they will kill me. Everyone that visits me in any of the places that I've ever lived has always said, why are these mattresses so comfortable? I go to Helix Midnight Deluxe.

It's the best mattress in America. Mattress shopping is literally the most insane thing you can ever do. You walk through a half-abandoned mall, hope somebody there is not a looney-toon, go to a mattress store and some freak watches you sleep. Okay? You want to lay down in front of a bunch of strangers or do you want to just take the Helix quiz, find out which bed is best for you? Okay? My family constantly calls me and goes, what was that bed? I go, it's a Helix! Andix and then they're like you have a promo code and I give it to them because nothing's enough for these people But I'll tell you this helix genuinely is the best mattress you can get Everybody loves it. I advertise a lot of products on this show helix is the one that most

Consistently people in my real life have asked me about because they have exposure to it because it's a bed and all of The beds I have are Helix beds. I'm telling you it's a 20 second quiz. It's not that long They find out what kind of sleeper you are and they basically design the best mattress for you when they're offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners go to helixsleep.com Tim D and use code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With helix better sleep starts now. Everybody's trying to get a hard dick around here. And you know what you do? You do hems. Your sex life is important but your schedule is busy. You don't have time to go to a doctor's office to get treated for your

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All cool ants are Irish no matter what nationality they are. They're all Irish. They're deeply tragic and they like to party. Folks, when I read this, when I read these fucking lyrics, this is every cool ant. Now here you go again. You say you want your freedom. Well who am I to keep you down? It's only right that you should play it the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness Like a heartbeat drives you mad in the stillness of remembering what you had and what you lost and what you had And what you lost?

Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing say women they, they will come and they will go. When the rain washes you clean, you'll know. So, this is the anthem of the cool aunt. She puts it on in her car. Back then they used to drive, you know, fun cars. I don't know what they would drive now. I don't know what they would drive now. I don't know what the cool aunts would drive now. I had a friend, she had a cool aunt named Aunt Ali. They all have names like that, Aunt Ali. And they're all fun. And then sometimes the cool aunts have kids and they change.

But the real cool aunt can't have a kid. She has to go it alone. She has to stare down death alone. It is what she has chosen to do the cool and Must stare down the specter of her mortality alone She must It is her calling it is her calling to stare down She must smoke a joint.

She must have a friend named Fran or Darlene. And this person must accompany her to the local hole, the local gin mill, the local blood box. They must knock them back. She must talk about her family. The cool aunt has a lot of opinions about the family. She's been fucked over. She didn't get what she had coming to her.

No one took care of dad like the cool aunt. Dad always loved her and she should have got more than she did. You know? Dad always loved her and she should have got more than she did, you know She'll talk about the man who got away She'll talk about that man the cool and always had one great love and that man Didn't stick around he's gone She loves her nieces and nephews of Course, she's the cool aunt that come out to her, they go, I'm non-binary.

She goes, good for you. She goes, I read an article about that. I'm cool with it. Sounds cool to me. And she'll just scrounge around looking for a lighter. Maybe she's vaping now. Cool aunts vape. They vape.

You know, she goes, you gotta do what makes you happy got to do what makes you happy. Got to do what makes you happy. And she's not wrong, but she's wrong. Do you understand that? Do you understand that, that you should do what makes you happy to a point, to a point. Everything's to a point, Israel. You should do what makes you happy to a point. You can't always do what makes you happy. So whether that's, you know, chocolate cake for breakfast, a little champagne in the afternoon, a boozy lunch with your friend Tara, you know, pretending you have breast cancer to get attention during Christmas or invading Rafa and killing another 20,000 people.

Whatever you wanna do, you can't always do it. Can't. But I got a lot to say about the cool, the coolant was a big part of my life. Big part of the lives of me and all my friends. They are there to give, and your kids should know them. Your kids should know them and they should know you should say to them you can live like that you can live like that if you want you can live the way she does you can

live the way she does she doesn't get anywhere on time your aunt I love your aunt but she doesn't get anywhere on time. She chooses herself, of course she's seen the best concerts. The cool aunt always sees the best concert, she doesn't have anything else to do. She looks like she has more money because she's got no one to spend it on. She goes on great vacations, your cool aunt, with her friends and they burn their melanoma skin burns in the hot Puerto Rican Sun. She's always somewhere tropical your cool aunt and she'll tell ya, she'll tell ya, I just got back from Puerto Rico with my girlfriend. She has the freedom you think you want as a child

The freedom you think you need the freedom that will make everything okay She could smoke drink do whatever she wants She's got a fun little condo in a little community of condos She tells you it's added seventy thousand000 in value in the past 36 months. She's happy about that. She has something called equity in her condo. She talks about it as she lights another stick. She does everything you wish you could do, but as you get older, you see her as kind of a samurai sword. Like she's a monk.

She's a religious figure. The coolant's a religious samurai sort like she's a monk. She's a religious figure. The cool aunt's a religious figure. She's got a religion. And she does exactly everything she's supposed to do. That's what's so interesting about life as you get older. You realize that people are actually doing everything they're supposed to do. No one's actually, no one's at Morgan and Morgan.

There it is. There it comes. Look at that. And if your aunt hits someone in her car and she will, you call Morgan and Morgan. But people are predictable. This is interesting about life. This is simply why life cannot go on forever, by the way, because you notice the predictability, the patterns, you know. You want to live to 300? You be sitting here be going Israel can you believe it they're at it again they're at it again they're firing late they're gonna be firing lasers when the weapons get so advanced they're gonna be teleporting

into the place people from Gaza will be teleporting into the place. People from Gaza will be teleporting into Israel, blowing themselves up. Come on now. Come on. I'm just saying people are predictable. Things get predictable. You start noticing the patterns in the simulated little Truman show.

These articles, I love these articles. The cool aunt's there for the LGBTQ youth. Good. But don't forget about her and her needs the cool aunt but you do actually have to forget about her and her needs that's the fun of it you actually do you actually do because she's locked herself up she's constructed her own prison and lives in it quite happily quite happily she doesn't know any other way. She doesn't know anything else.

I love all the cool ants out there. Pour one out for them. Pour a glass of Santa Margarita. Pour a glass of Santa Margarita. Pinot Grigio out for the cool ant. Light a Marlboro light for the cool ant. Okay? Buy a Kia for the cool ant. 75 on a highway where you listen to a

little ah well you listen to song good by Los Lobos for the cool ant listen to song good by Los Lobos isn't it Los Lobos the coolant loves the songs but what the song Good, oh Better Than Ezra, Better Than Ezra, you listen to song Good by Better Than Ezra for the Cool Ant. Okay. I'm telling you right now I might put together a Cool Ant mixtape, an anthology. dreams by Fleetwood Mac good by better than Ezra Los Lobos or Los Lonely Boys or whatever Dave Matthews song, but I can't figure which one maybe crush Lisa lobes on there. I can't lose my heart. I can't pay attention to the... Anyway, anyway. Can't understand. If you really care, only hear about it.

But the cool aunt likes, she likes a party song. Because life is a party. Until it's not. And here's the deal. She's an isolated woman. But she's proud. She's tough. And if she comes at you, she lashes out. She lashes out. And she shows her teeth.

She's damaged your mother. Your mother said a few things and the cool aunt goes right to her throat. Your mother will cry and walk inside. Because she's had an argument with the cool aunt. Okay? And Israel's kind of that cool aunt right now. She's kind of that cool aunt. She's increasingly isolated.

She's smoking her cigs. She's listening to Fleetwood Mac. She's driving on the highway and she's going to get there a little late and she's gonna kill everyone when she does. And all I'm saying Israel is it's Christmas, okay? Sometimes you gotta put down the sword, walk in, look at everyone around. By the way, imagine the people that like really believe this is like a new show. People do watch this. I hope it's shown to other countries. I was in Europe watching BBC News and it's just like, there were 14 people killed last

hour by airstrike. It's so exact. Then there's this. But it's true. and then they're like there's this but it's it's true Israel right now has cool ant vibes but it's too much because we're all starting to go like hey hey girl girl I know you got your pain I know your friend killed herself but you can't use that as an excuse to constantly brutalize. Mom! You guys gotta get along.

Stop biting your cheek. Stop biting your cheek! It's not gonna get better. Stop putting the sandwich in so far. Keep hurting your mouth. You have a big fat cheek. Keep hurting your mouth. You have a big fat cheek. You keep biting it. It's not nice.

You keep using that mouthwash that says it's from MouthSource. Does that even help? No one knows. But this is what I mean. And all we've got left is the Olympics. I fear if it's a wasted opportunity, we're not gonna get it back.

We'll have to wait four years. All we've got left is a well coordinated ceasefire to be celebrated at the Olympics with a ceremony where Israel and Palestine can fucking put down the so when people can just be people again a great showing of sport. It's what we need. It's what we need. It's what the world needs.

You know, I've been vocal in the past and I've said things like I don't think the Olympics are going to get people to really Abandon their bad feelings. There's a lot of people out there that you know are You know, they're not You know, there's a lot of like, you know It's a genocide and we're not gonna forget it and we're gonna keep fighting But there I think there are those people that like me, I'm very susceptible to the emotional appeal,

you know, like an emotional moment. And if you have an Israeli hostage, little child lighting the torch with a Palestinian who has like one arm because of the rocket. They have a one arm Palestinian baby, little toddler and an Israeli toddler. And they light. And it would help if the Israeli had an arm as well, to be honest. I'm not saying take the arm off, but let's find, we can do it,

let's find two children that have one arm. If you see two, an Israeli and a Palestinian toddler, and they each have one arm and they're holding those arms together and there's an Olympic torch together. And there's an Olympic torch. And you don't tear up a little bit, you're a sick fuck. Because that type of thing, that'll make the hardest bitch you know weep. That'll make the cool aunt weep. And she'll show it to people. That's the things cool aunts do. She'll be like, remember the Olympics in 2024 in France? Because you'll be like, you'll be like, you know, like Todd doesn't really like me anymore. He doesn't even want to talk to me.

And your cool aunt goes, listen, listen, don't worry about that. There were these countries called Israel and Palestine and they hated each other. Palestine kidnapped a bunch of Israelis and raped them and then Israel killed like a bunch of their people. And then there was the Olympics and a one-armed Palestinian child and a one-armed Israeli lit the fucking torch

and everybody looked at them and realized the most important thing that life is bullshit and we all just got to make the best of it. And you're going to be like, fuck, my aunt is the smartest person that I've ever met in my whole entire life. And then later on that night, your mother will tell you, you know she lives in her car.