The Tim Dillon Show - 393 - Kevin Spacey's Soup & AI Saints
Episode Date: May 25, 2024Tim talks about Logan Paul’s Prime lawsuit, the multimillionaire middle class, Kevin Spacey’s return to the spotlight, Taiwan, the latest saint and being a Boeing baby. American Royalty Tour 🎟... https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/ SPONSORS: Helix Sleep Go to HelixSleep.com/TimD for 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows with code: HELIXPARTNER20. Shady Rays Head to ShadyRays.com and use code: TIMD for $20 off polarized sunglasses. Mack Weldon Go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code TIM. Gametime Download the Gametime app and redeem code TIM for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). FUM Start the Good Habit at https://tryfum.com/TIM for your mystery discount. ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack
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These are my vocal warm-ups I do. I go Netanyahu. Netanyahu. It's vocal. Netanyahu.
It's a vocal warm-up and it just puts me in a good place mentally. And if we see him,
we're arresting him. Citizens arrest. If I see him, if I see Benjamin Netanyahu in Salton
Straw, or one of the places that I might be, and I see him,
I'm gonna go, you're done. And he gets arrested. Because they
have warrants for him now. I'm not going to go into it. But
they're they're trying to arrest him. They're trying to arrest him. And can I arrest... what if we split the difference
and I just arrest Barry Weiss? Can I go arrest Barry Weiss and her wife?
Citizens arrest? And put bagels on their hands instead of handcuffs? Little
bagels on their hands? Come on, it's fun, it's fun.
That wouldn't cheer up the people of Palestine.
Yeah, it would, yeah it would.
Oh, there's that guy from the States
arresting Barry Weiss, little bagel handcuffs.
To the jail now.
To the jail.
Why are they harassing Logan Paul with his drink?
Why are they harassing Logan Paul with his drink? Why are they angering people? Why are they going at these celebrities and their products? Celebrities work very hard. Listen up people out
there. Celebrities work very hard on their products. They work very, very hard. It's incredibly difficult to get into consumer goods and
You are attacking a man's product
This is worse than attacking someone's family
Because a family can defend itself to some degree a product cannot you're attacking a product
There is almost no reason to be famous anymore unless you were selling a product.
There's almost no reason. Everyone is famous.
Anywhere you go, someone under the age of 30 will point someone out that you've never heard of.
And you don't know. And they'll go, that's the guy that catches golf balls in his mouth on the thing.
And you go, really and that people will be
Taking photos with him. There's zero reason to be famous. It's a as a concept
It's degenerated to a point where it's almost meaningless now. That's the guy he catches stuff. It's almost meaningless
Money is meaningless Kate Blanchett get the video up. She's right Kate Blanchett, get the video up. She's right. Kate Blanchett at the Cannes Film Festival,
people got really angry with her
because she dared to tell the truth
that she said she was, let's watch what she said
and people got angry because she told the truth.
And when you tell the truth, it's a revolutionary act.
I don't know who said that.
I think Netanyahu, this is Cate Blanchett.
I'm white, I'm privileged, I'm middle class. And I think, you know, one can be accused of having a bit of a white savior complex. But to be perfectly honest, my interaction with the, with refugees in
the film, in the field, and also in resettled environments
has totally changed my perspective on the world.
Because now, she's, now what's her net? 85 sticks? 85 million?
95.
95 sticks. She is middle class. You don't want to hear this.
Many of you, because you subsist on a diet of McGriddles and Fentanyl,
I understand. You're watching van life videos aspirationally going,
wouldn't it be nice?
Wouldn't it be nice to live in a van?
You know, people now in America,
they watch van life videos, but it's aspirational.
They go, honey, if we get it together,
one day we can live in a van somewhere by the Pacific Ocean
and we could sing songs and play acoustic guitars
as we sing ourselves to sleep.
Van life videos have become aspirational. People
want that. So to the people out there that are upset by me telling you, no one is impressed.
By the way, tell me you've got 95 million at lunch. I'm not impressed. I'm not impressed.
Anything under a hundred million. If you're not a centi-millionaire, and really if you're not a centi-millionaire and really if you're not a billionaire
yeah it's nice to have 95 it's a lot of money to a guy like me to some uh carnival barker like myself 95 i'd love 95 million i'll probably never get it
because you people aren't as generous as you should be i'll probably never get that kind of money
but to kate blanchett one of the greatest actresses of our time,
she's rubbing shoulders with royalty, the tech CEOs with sultans with whoever, 95 million ain't much. And she said I'm middle class and people are mad about it. So my point is that if fame is
nothing, and money is barely anything anymore, unless you have gobs of it unless you're the Sultan of Brunei
Unless you have then what is left consumer goods to have a product to have a product to be a box
To be in a store to be on a shelf to have a can to put your life's work into a can or a box
I could remember the Stubbs barbecue sauce
where he goes, my whole life is in this bottle?
Well, Logan Paul's whole life is in this thing of Prime,
and people are getting mad.
I don't know, because there's paint thinner or something in it.
But the kids are fine.
It's got caffeine.
And he's in this war with Ryan Garcia,
who's accused him of poisoning all the children.
Now, we like Logan Paul.
He's a very nice guy. He's very nice to me.
I mean, I don't know anything about this prime. I'm not a food scientist.
I'm not a food scientist. I don't know.
People are saying it's got too much caffeine for children.
This is what I've read. The kids are drinking it.
It's not good for their little hearts.
What are the energy ingredients?
Let's go, let's see what we got.
Filtered water, cool.
Coconut water, cool.
Ingredient three, caffeine.
Flavoring agents, all right.
Electrolytes, ooh, potassium, B12 magnesium.
Prime energy also contains sucralose an artificial sweetener
that in some studies have linked DNA damage and leaky gut. Okay I have leaky gut sometimes it just
means you get tired because prime energy contains coconut water people with tree nut allergies
may wish to have. Each can of prime energy contains 200 milligrams of caffeine
Caffeine is a stimulant drug that can improve physical performance in
But it can also include like, you know undesirable side effects now in a regular cup of coffee. You have about 95 milligrams of caffeine
There's about 95 milligrams of caffeine in it
So basically it's the kids are having two cups of coffee in an energy drink, right?
Now, so what?
I mean, to be honest, and I'm not shilling for Logan Paul, but is this such a big deal?
They also say there's forever chemicals in it.
Chemicals that once you ingest them, they never leave.
Now, I don't know what those are, and maybe there are forever chemicals in it.
I'm just saying there's a lot of caffeinated beverages
out there that children consume.
It's probably not great for kids
that they're hopped up on caffeine
and it might dehydrate them.
What should you do if Prime makes you sick?
Well, call poison control.
Do they have that on it?
Is that on every energy drink, by the way?
Is that everywhere to call poison control?
That's not ideal, is it?
Call poison control?
Two influencers, KSI and Logan Paul,
they're probably the two biggest influencers in the world,
have an energy drink where people are drinking it's a
lot of caffeine in it so what I've never tried a prime I don't know what it tastes
like I'm not an energy drink person but apparently no one's died from this yet
right it's not like that Panera lemonade where a couple of people's hearts exploded.
If kids start dropping dead from this,
Dad claims
son ate nearly died after consuming prime drink. He couldn't breathe.
Well then don't let him drink it at eight. But what if you're eight and you
want to be a champion? What if you're you're eight and you want to be a champion?
What if you're an eight-year-old that wants to be a champion?
Look at this family get a nice close-up on that family from the UK
Look at that family from the UK Logan Paul almost killed one of those children
Luanne Tusha pictured with his family in London,
Lune Luanne Tusha claimed his son Fabian nearly died from consuming a prime energy drink.
He couldn't breathe, Tusha told his son about his son's experience.
He started to pull his hair in his cheeks.
My wife got
a cool towel and put it on his forehead to try to calm him down. After calling emergency
services paramedics discovered his blood pressure was very high and monitored him until he became
stable. Huh. Well, they've just banned it. Prime Energy banned in Australia.
So Australia's not fucking with this. In Australia, you can literally have a drink at breakfast and it's encouraged and no one cares. So just to give you an idea, they swim with sharks.
There's so many things in Australia that can kill you. So for them to go, hey, not good.
There are so many things in Australia that can kill you so for them to go hey not good
School kids are running out and taking these things and that that kid was pulling his face apart
Imagine that you have a kid he drinks a prime and he starts pulling trying to pull his face off
He's trying to pull the skin off his face just so he can breathe. He looks like a fish. He's ripping his skin off his face. Like he has gills. He's like, get the, let me get oxygen. Daddy! And he's
pulling his hair. He's in a total meltdown. But this is inevitable. This is what's going
to happen. Celebrities now just want to have products.
This is all they want.
If you're not a mogul in our society, it's meaningless.
It's meaningless.
Cate Blanchett wants to be a mogul.
She's middle-class.
She's got $95 million.
She's just a middle-class white lady.
If she is not a mogul,
like Jessica Alba, the Honest Company, She's just a middle-class white lady if she is not a mogul like
Jessica Alba the honest company if she's not slinging Casa Migos Clooney Ryan Reynolds gin
if you do not have a product a brand if
You are not on stores
on shelves in stores what the fuck's the point and if a few eight-year-olds have
to pull the skin off their faces so be it so be it wait till you see what I
come up with I will have a pancake mix I will be at a press conference and they
will go people are saying your pancake mix is just pool chemicals.
People are saying that and I go,
I am offended by that implication.
They go, eight people have died from your pancake mix.
I will come up with something, listen,
I'm sure, can we say this?
I think Logan Paul's a nice guy.
I think every kid that dies, he'll feel bad.
Is that not enough for people?
Is that not enough?
What do they want?
What do these selfish fucks want?
Every eight-year-old who tries to pull the skin
off their face or whose heart explodes from drinking this,
I guarantee Logan Paul's not gonna be thrilled about it.
He's not gonna be happy.
All you can ask celebrities is to be upset
after their products have killed someone.
That's all you can ask.
You can't ask them to be God or omniscient
or know what's gonna happen
or how people are gonna react to things.
They just have to go, ah.
I mean, everybody else is selling booze, alcohol.
George Clooney's selling you tequila so you can drink and get drunk
and it makes it a little easier that you're not him.
Ryan Reynolds is slinging gin.
It's easier to stomach the fact that you are not Ryan Reynolds
with a couple of nice martinis of his gin.
Life gets better.
The you know, they're just turning around and go, here's some booze, baby.
Beauty products, they're a big one.
They're a big one.
Fenty by Rihanna.
Don't you wanna look like Rihanna?
The Jenners, Kylie Jenner, they were ahead of the game.
The Kardashians were ahead of the game.
Honest Beauty by Jessica Alba.
It's honest, it's good, it's from, you know,
we don't, you know, I don't
know, rape livestock or whatever. We don't take mice and shove them in a pipe or whatever the other
company is doing. What does Maybelline do? How does Maybelline test their stuff? They just put a
mouse in a cage and then they just put so much makeup on it looks like a drag queen and then it
drops dead. But Jessica Alba's not doing that.
She's not doing that.
She's not putting a lot of drag makeup on a rat
until it dies.
They're doing honest things.
This is where Kevin Spacey went wrong.
He went wrong because he could have had a product.
Kevin Spacey could have had a product.
Instead, he went around goosing people
and taking his dick out, and now he's in trouble.
Although, although I'll be honest with you,
if you watch the documentary,
and this is the problem with Me Too in Hollywood,
as opposed to any other Me Too in the military,
you feel bad for people.
You go, oh fuck, they're in the military.
Somebody's raping them, that's not good.
They join the military to make the ultimate sacrifice for America and somebody is sexually harassing them or
You go, you know in corporate world somebody's been here's the problem when it's a Hollywood me, too. Okay
the people that Kevin space is being inappropriate with
Continually hang out with them. They keep going back because they want something out of the relationship.
This guy is like, Kevin Spacey took me to a movie and started jerking off next to me.
And then he goes, and then he called me and invited me to some party at his house that Bruce Willis was going to be at.
So of course, you know, I went.
You go, I don't really feel bad for you.
Kevin Spacey acted in a way that would prevent a normal person from hanging out with him
again.
You would go, this guy's got issues.
This guy has problems.
However, all of these people want something out of the relationship with Kevin Spacey.
He's a major Hollywood star.
So they go, fuck it.
We're just going to go to the. He's having in his hotel room
And I'm not trying to victim blame here. I'm not saying that these people were
Responsible
For Kevin Spacey's behavior. What I'm saying is they're certainly responsible for continually showing up to
Environments where they knew or had a good idea how this guy was gonna act
You know? It just doesn't, you watch the documentary, you don't feel that bad for
these people. I'm sorry, you don't. You don't feel bad for these older people,
these actors that, you know, were just like, because by the way, it's gross to watch someone talk about how they...
Because it's hard for them to even admit. They're like, well, you know, he's Kevin Spacey, so well, you know, of course.
Inherent in everything they're saying is their their Desperation to be famous or to be around famous people and it's clouded their judgment and it just it's not
they're not a
Group of people that it's easy to feel bad for they're not a naturally sympathetic group of people these Hollywood actors
That Kevin Spacey. Can we let's watch one of these people you tell
me if I'm right yeah this is the section of the trailer where he talks about
being around spacey right to run lines with him I felt like this dream come
true I wanted to be in his good favor and if all that meant was rubbing his shoulders I would do that. Well, well, it's a bunch of people that show up to the hotel room giving you a massage
and then Spacey takes his dick out and then they're like, what's going on?
I just came here to touch you and run lines.
And I'm not saying what Spacey did was great.
But I'm telling you right now, it's hard to feel bad for people to keep showing up.
Now, let's give Spacey some...
Let's give him some airtime here because he had an interview with Chris Cuomo.
He's responded to this.
He's coming back.
I prepared everyone for this.
The return of all of these people, by the way.
They're all coming back.
Harvey Weinstein, they're all coming back. And you're're gonna have to prepare for it. It's just what it is
They're all coming back like it never hot
It's gonna be like it never happened and you're gonna have to deal with and he'll have a product
He's gonna have a product
Watching people that were canceled in 2021 for me to come back,
not only come back, but sell you soup in the grocery store
is going to be tough for many victims.
Many victims who walk down the aisle and see Spacey's Soup
where he does it, Homestyle Southern Soups.
It's gonna be hard for people who slapped who got slapped in the face with his balls or some makeup
artist who had to see his junk.
They're not gonna like it.
A couple of people that Harvey Weinstein bear attacked in the hallway of the Weinstein company
are gonna get angry when he's back and they start selling cookies.
But it's going to happen the people that sexually assaulted
you are going to have products in the store and they're going
to be decent you're going to feed your not going to be bad.
There's too much money in it for them to be bad the space
he's home style southern soups endorsed by Frank Underwood
and Kevin space either the same person. It doesn't matter
They're gonna be good and you're gonna tell your children eat your spacey soup that guy put his balls on my head
When I was a young actor, but his soup you can't argue with it. It's good. It's easy to make and it's nutritious
It's gonna happen they're coming back there's nothing you
can do about it. I'm sorry that you might not like it. The only reason to be famous
now is so that a company can come to you and go what is inside of you? Is it a
hot sauce? What do you got? What do you got a hot sauce in you? Adele she's gonna come out i'm telling if they are not
Sitting down with adele and going we know that you got thin with drugs and what surgery or whatever else
But now you got to sell adele's
thing
Whatever law you're telling the public about how you lost weight, let's market that to people.
Sell them Adele's fucking Curries in the UK and people are all going, Adele's Curry, I'm losing
white. It doesn't matter. And then eight year olds are gonna be pulling their skin off their face.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Except it'll be a woman who's 40 and they'll all get
ovarian cancer. It doesn't matter what it is. It's not it'll be a woman who's 40 and they'll all get ovarian cancer.
It doesn't matter what it is, it's not your fault.
If you're a celebrity and you sell poison to the general public, it's not your fault.
It's not your fault! I'll be mad enough to say it.
Everyone else is going to blame them. It's not their fault.
A company is going to come to Adele with a teller to sell this powder to people.
And they're going to say, say you're gonna be a billionaire
You don't want to be middle-class like Kate Blanchett that loser. Don't you want to be a mogul?
Well, here's how to do that. You got to sell a powder
Powder gin, oh it's like it was hard as soon as I lost why it was really difficult to keep it off
But these smoothies have kept me thin and it could keep... Now, people used to look down on this.
I remember in my day when I, you know, the Suzanne Summers people like that,
this was older sitcom stars would hawk weight loss products.
People didn't like it. They thought it was de classé.
They thought it made them look like shit.
They said, these people are desperate. They're losers. We made fun of them.
We made fun of those people.
All of these old sitcom stars, okay,
that weren't famous anymore,
and some of them that were,
they were still clinging on to fame.
All of these old sitcom stars,
they would then endorse products,
and everybody would hate it.
You would go, ugh.
You just wouldn't like like remember Sally Struthers
If feed the children people hated everyone made fun of her stern made fun of all these people that did this stuff
And she was just trying to feed other people. She was this chubby woman who was on a sitcom
I don't even remember what it was and
Anytime a celebrity showed up in an advertisement people didn't really love it
Because it was considered like this thing,
it's like, how much money do you need?
But what it really is now is it's actually a mark of value.
When people go see Taylor Swift now,
they go, she's so good at marketing.
She's so good at marketing.
The people in the stadium, they go,
God, I love her, she's so good at marketing. I love love her she's so good at marketing I
love her she's so good at business have you seen her P&L no one really cares
what anyone it's it's all now about how you are using whatever fame you have to
be a mogul and create these massive institutions. It's what it is. And along
the way, some an eight-year-old may try to pull the skin off their face to
breathe. That may happen because they can't handle the taurine or the caffeine
or whatever it is. Now he's suing a lot of people that talk about prime,
but we have a great First Amendment attorney,
so I'm not concerned.
Also, I'm supporting him here
and I don't even know if he's doing anything wrong.
I can't quite say, I can't quite say, you know?
My parents, when I grew up, they would feed me
a Nestle quick and bacon, egg and cheese sandwich.
I don't know if that was good.
Was that good? Are Lunchables good is anything good is anything good what are
you doing roasting chickens for your children shut the fuck up give them a
can of prime and put them on the bus and let them fight it out like dogs give
them give them prime put them on a school bus,
and go on TikTok and watch for the fighting videos,
and you call people from work, you go, that's my boy,
that's my son, he's hopped up on prime,
and he's beating that other kid bloody on the bus,
and you show everyone at work your fight video,
your child's fight videos, and you go,
he's hopped up on prime, he's got 200 milligrams
of caffeine in him, and God, the kid can hit.
Can he hit?
Get over here, take a look at that.
That's my son.
He just hospitalized that other kid.
If you are telling me there's something wrong
with a bunch of kids hopped up on Prime,
beating the blood out of each other on school buses,
I don't know, I don't even know. I don't wanna live in the country. I don't wanna live in this country anymore. I don't know. I don't even know.
I don't want to live in the country.
I don't want to live in this country anymore.
I don't want to live in the country.
I don't want to live in it.
Get Anthony Blinken up.
Oh wait, let's watch space a little bit.
I do want to see what space is saying and then we'll see up
Anthony Blinken by the way has gone over to the Ukraine and
I just am so proud of him.
He's our Secretary of State and we've handled this situation brilliantly with the Ukraine,
which is everything that could have gone wrong has.
The Russian economy is stronger.
Vladimir Putin has solidified his power.
He's purged disloyalists from his own government.
He's cozied up with China.
He's opened trading relationships with China.
He's strengthened his trading relationships with Brazil and India
It's great. He's strengthened diplomatic ties with North Korea. It's perfect
This every instead of giving him these two shitty little regions of a country. Nobody fucking cared about
We decided to have another Cold War, which is quickly turning hot by the way
But let's take a look at Kevin Spacey for a minute
and then we'll do a foreign policy.
Can you handle if they won't let you back in?
I will simply say this.
I don't think that an executive,
no matter how powerful, at any company should speak
for the entire American public or the entire British public.
I think the public who stop me all the time, Chris, I mean, I travel all over the world.
And I know there's people out there on the internet that apparently don't like me and
have some nasty things to say about me.
But I have never met one of those people in real life.
Everyone who stops me every single day is so generous
happy to see me and if there's a theme to any of our
conversations, it's when you getting back to work.
Here's the thing he's too good of an actor you, folks, you have to let him get away with this because he's too good of an actor.
We have trained some of the greatest actors in the world here, and this is one of them.
Here's how good of an actor he is. To find who he truly is could not happen with any medical personnel,
psychiatrists, psychologists, the most qualified medical personnel, psychiatric experts, people
that have written books, people that have, you know, entire departments at universities dedicated
to their field of study. I'm talking the best minds in their field could not find who that guy really is.
No one knows who he truly is.
Heda, his brother is a Rod Stewart impersonator, okay?
Their father was a Nazi pedophile who raped both of them
while they looked at pictures of Hitler,
and this guy pulled his dick out and did some wrong things.
I'm not saying it's great but the brother knows the brother
is a Rod Stewart impersonator and then you have this guy. No one knows who
Kevin Spacey is. No one knows Kevin Spacey has no idea who he is. This is
Kevin Spacey's brother just to give you an idea. This is the other option. This is Kevin Spacey's brother just to give you an idea. This is the other option This is the other option of how it also could have went
Okay, he lives in Vegas. I'm sure he's a lovely guy. I'm sure people my mother loved Rod Stewart
I'm sure when he gets up and does your Maggie Mae or hot legs, whatever it is. I'm sure it's nice
But let's not pretend that any of the options when your father's a Nazi pedophile are great.
None of them are great.
None of them are ideal.
There's nobody in the Spacey family from what I know.
Now maybe there is, but it's what it seems like
is that it was just different versions of bad
that were gonna happen there.
And Spacey is so good.
He's so good.
He's fully disappeared into every character.
He's ever played.
He doesn't know who he is.
You almost can't convict him of anything because he's not real
whoever that was has disappeared
He's so good. Most actors are not this good
Most actors are fine. And then there's a few that you're like, oh my god
Some are so good to be a great great actor
You you almost have to cease to exist
The things that make you you have to become
so small and infinitesimal that you have to be able to neatly tuck them all into a tiny
little box and become someone else for months. I was at a party that kid Austin Butler still still talking like that like they don't stop it's they they are gone they're
gone it's sad it's like you you go up to somebody who's had extreme trauma and
many of them have but they're gone so the Kevin Spacey that has a social
security number
and grew up, I think in Cali, wherever he grew up,
you know, he has, he's dissolved.
He's a little bit of Kaiser Soze.
He's a little bit of Frank Underwood.
He's, you know, he's just all over the place.
And just unfortunately, he did not act
in a way that was admirable.
We know that.
I don't know what he, maybe he's We know that. I don't know what he probably
maybe has done horrible things. I don't know. I don't know. He's probably done
horrible things. But he's such a good actor that it is difficult when you
watch him. You kind of just go just let him act. Just let him act a little bit. I know we're not supposed to say that
But I mean he's so good
Thank God like other people aren't that good he's so good
Where you're like, oh my god, I am
Somehow not as angry with this person as I should be
what if the Pope was as good of an actor as Kevin Spacey?
He you know He's not
You know, but if he was and he was just talking about the church abuse scandal
We've had our problem. Sure
been issues here
We've had issues, but that shouldn't cloud the fact that good young men, like if he was
that smooth, no.
If he was, it's dangerous.
It's actually dangerous.
The quality of actor that Kevin Spacey is, is actually dangerous.
Do you know where else you see that?
Like a deep covered CIA agent has to be that good You have to be that good and even they are probably looking Kevin space like god damn it. He's good
like the only other place that
that quality becomes good like
Slipping in in and out of identities is like espionage. It's deadly
It's deadly
To slip in and pretend to be someone else.
The only two qualities, the only two jobs where that quality becomes a major asset are acting and espionage.
You're either a spy who is embedded into the Russian government for years where you are becoming,
you're playing this role, it's who you are.
If you're found out, you're dead immediately, tortured or best case, killed.
Or you're an actor.
Those are the two.
That's how, and I mean a good act.
We're talking good at, we're not talking about people that could say a few lines
on the screen.
We're talking about excellent, amazing.
Oh my God.
Wow.
Actors share the same quality with people
that are embedded in a foreign government.
That ability, who also have to get rid of themselves.
They have to flush themselves down the toilet.
Why do you think the CIA is always recruiting
these kind of military guys out of Virginia, whatever,
they're kind of blank, NPC type looking,
maybe don't have a big family, nobody's gonna miss them.
They send them off to wherever and they become something else.
That's Kevin Spacey.
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shades, put them on your face. China's going nuts over in Taiwan
They're doing some drills. It just had a meeting with Vladimir Putin. They're testing Taiwan
They are in the Taiwan Strait 90% of the chips that we make
For our computers if you want to show your son's tick-tock fight to your friends. You need
Taiwan that Taiwan is out there,
you know, they're in the in the line of fire. China has a one China policy. They've never
considered Taiwan to be apart from China. They consider it to be part of China. It kind of is
part of China. And I don't, I'm not trying to offend anyone by saying this, but it is,
you know, they have an argument to make.
I'm not saying they should go take Taiwan.
I'm not advising military.
It's the same thing with Russia and the Ukraine.
It just, they have an argument.
And when somebody has a big military and nuclear weapons,
it doesn't really matter if their argument is good.
Everything in our country is about debate.
He got rocked.
He was destroyed. It's all about debate, debate.
It doesn't matter. It's meaningless. It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything.
If somebody has more nuclear warheads in any other country, i.e. Russia, it doesn't matter if their logic is sound.
It only matters if they believe it. It only matters if Putin believes his rationale. It doesn't matter if you do. Sorry, Jessica or whoever out there.
It doesn't matter, Ann Applebaum at the Atlantic.
If you think, well, I disagree with Vladimir Putin.
Oh, do you, Ann?
No one cares.
It doesn't matter that you've crafted a rhetorical argument.
Well, I've crafted quite the rhetorical argument.
It doesn't matter, dummy.
That's not what matters.
China launches military drills around Taiwan as punishment.
China said the sea and air drills were meant
as a stern warning to its opponents
after Taiwan's new president
asserted the island's sovereignty in defiance of Beijing.
Calm them down.
Calm them down, please.
I'm the CIA director. I landed Taiwan today and I called the president I go you need to calm it down
Take it down a notch take it down. You need to relax
You need to relax
You need to like
We need to cool it
what I would tell him is like our relationships really exciting and
It's really been an adventure
But it's getting a little too exciting and what we want to do is still
Appreciate and love each other and the journey we're on but in a very quiet way
You can't be out there running your fat mouth about how
independent you are. Chill with that. We know you're independent. We get it. We see
you. We see you. You really need like a black woman to go over there and kind of
give them this speech. Like a we see you girl. Like we see you girl. We get it. We
love you. But they need to calm down the more Taiwan
Comes out and talks about being independent
The more China is gonna do these things. They're gonna go into the South China Sea and play these little war games these fun little things
I
Don't think they're gonna go in there like tomorrow
But someone needs to chill Taiwan out chill them out chill
them out what happened in the Ukraine well the Ukraine was like you know
we're we're fucking we want to be a NATO we're gonna be a NATO and Kamala Harris
is like you're gonna be a NATO and now we have a bloody war where hundreds of
thousands of people both Russian and Ukrainian are dead, and the enemy, our supposed enemy, is winning.
This is why you try to avoid wars with a country that refuses to lose.
Russia's not going to lose the war. They never were.
They never were going to lose this war.
The Ukraine never had a shot, and the United States government kind of knows that.
They want to bleed the Russian military military Dry and they want all the Russian
But here's what happened, you know when we boycotted Russia
We took McDonald's and all the poison food out of Russia. Fuck you. We took all the poison
They can't get a pizza hot pizone see how easy it is now
We took all the poison food out of their country as a way to say
Fuck you for invading Ukraine. Here's what Russia did
They just handed out a lot of those locations to their own domestic companies by the way, okay
They started paying people
To go into the military. They're building a middle class off this war their industrial production has gone through the roof
They are building more tank. They are building more things for this war. Now it can't go on forever, obviously. Wars are kind of Ponzi schemes, but in the short
term they make people a lot of money. That's why they happen. And that's why 20 years later we run
out of Afghanistan because we've kind of milked it. It's time to go. But so we have Russia now
in the most powerful position it's been in my lifetime
as a country cozying up with China economically has evaded sanction. They've evade they've
proven that Western sanctions will not cripple their economy. No, their economy is not as
powerful as China or the US. However, it is still it is still an economy. It is a good
economy for the amount of sanctions leveraged against Russia.
It's a pretty fucking good economy.
They were able to do it.
This is why smart minds negotiate.
Give them those two dumb wait for him to die, wait for him to die and try to
groom a successor or someone in the future that might be more
potentially sympathetic to Western aims
in the region or whatever.
You don't force a confrontation that many people say
is unwinnable with Russia through the Ukraine.
You don't do an entire Cold War.
It's not a great idea.
And this is the result of it.
This is the result.
Now, we have a lot of dead people,
and we have a very strong Russia.
Now, I hope, by the way, there's a resolution to this war.
I've hoped for it since it started.
Hopefully it will.
And by the way, we're not doing nothing for these Ukrainians.
I'm about to show you something
that's actually a big deal.
This is a big deal.
It's not just about money, cause fuck it.
Anyone, by the way, anyone can give you money.
Anyone can fund a war.
We've proven that.
But will the Secretary of State, after your children
have been murdered in the street, will the Secretary of State in a proxy war
that we have been egging on every chance for peace we get, we get in between the
Ukraine and peace like nobody. I mean we know how to do it will the Secretary of State
come in and rock out
your citizens particularly the Northeast the Northeast, in Kharkiv, are suffering tremendously.
But they need to know, you need to know.
The United States is with you, so much of the world is with you.
And they're fighting not just for free Ukraine, but for the free world.
And the free world is with you too.
So maybe we can try something?
Yeah, sure.
I don't think we can pull this off.
That's right.
Come on out here.
Woo!
These are the people running our country, God help us.
And I'm very serious, God help us.
This is terrifying.
This is the Secretary of State of the United States of America right now in the middle of a war zone.
Playing Rocket in the Free World.
Oh boy.
Ken Blinken singing? He might be better than this guy.
Well this guy's not great.
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine? If your children have been killed in this war, and you are sitting at home, and you're
watching the Secretary of State, who has told the Ukraine not to negotiate at peace multiple
times, playing rockin' in the free world, keep on giving Black Rock all the farmland
Keep on selling us your farmland
That's really what it is
You'll pay us back the way that we say
I mean it's crazy. Get him out of here. Anthony Blinken, everybody, the Secretary of State,
this dork, playing rocket in the free world in the Ukraine as it bleeds out, as it bleeds
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Get up the Pope's influencer.
The Pope's influencer, it's a fun story.
An influencer who died of leukemia, the Pope has chosen
as God's influencer. God's influencer. He's the first
millennial saint. Look at that.
Can we get a photo of this guy? You know how he died? Drinking Prime.
No.
But that's not true.
But Pope clear sainthood for millennial known as God's influencer.
Carlo Acutus, who died of leukemia in 2006, age 15, was beatified in 2020 after one miracle
was attributed to him.
God, here's the good news, is sending influencers.
Because this is how saints, by the way,
saints used to appear to people and perform miracles. You know, now
the new saints are going to be influencers. You may not like it, but God's no dummy.
like it but God's no dummy he's can't send someone in the form of like a homeless advocate like somebody like feeding people on skid row that's the
old Saints of yesteryear God knows God knows everything is about reach it's all
about reach it's all about reach. So God is sending influencers. He's sending
people with social media followings that are saints. Pope Francis has attributed
a second miracle to an Italian teenager who in his short life used his computer
skills to spread the Catholic faith clearing the way for him to become the
first saint of the millennial generation. He died at 15. He was informally known
as God's influencer.
Born in London, he grew up in Milan where he took care of his parish website and later of a Vatican-based Academy. Francis took the decision to, you know, this is nice. This is nice, but it opens the door.
It opens the door. I have like allergies now because the fucking weather. This opens the door
for the Pope, because this Pope, people don't like him
because he's too liberal.
People don't dislike him because he's like,
I don't know, he's into hentai or whatever.
I don't know, whatever he's doing,
that people don't like, right?
You know, he's gonna start beatifying hentai stars.
I don't know, but the point is, this Pope is smart.
He's forward thinking, He's opening the door.
He's opening the door to more influencers.
What about AI saints?
Not kidding, by the way.
I'm not kidding.
If God made people and people made AI,
can an AI person be a saint?
Absolutely.
And you need a pope who thinks like that.
You can't have these old school popes anymore.
You need a pope who gets it.
You need a pope who gets it.
You need a pope who gets that we're going to have AI saints. We're going to have AI
priests. Remember that AI priest who got in trouble because he was given the weird answers?
There was an AI priest who was giving weird answers. You could go to him and do confession.
People were not happy about this because they weren't not liking it. But there was an AI priest, a genuine AI priest.
It was an AI priest.
His name was like, it was an AI chat bot named Father Justin
and people did not like it.
Somebody went, bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been three weeks since my last confession.
Father Justin, may the Lord be in your heart and help you to confess your sins with sorrow.
Remember, as it says in 1 John 1, 9, we confess our sins. I mean, this seems pretty good,
but he did something. Yeah, I preached did something people didn't like. I forget what it was.
He did something, but it's gonna happen. So I think the Pope's kind of opening the door to like
Father Justin was a hardliner on social and sexual issues. Catholic Church teaches that
masturbation is a grave moral disorder. Well, he's doing what the AI priest is doing what he should be.
The AI priest also told one user it was okay to baptize a baby in Gatorade.
What about baptizing a baby in prime? I want my babies baptized in prime, god damn it.
The AI priest said it was okay to baptize a baby in Logan Paul's energy drink, Prime.
The baby got just enough caffeine to really...
No, so here's what God's influencer becoming a saint means.
And by the way, God bless God's influencer. I'm not we're not trying to make fun of him
He did good things. I'm not saying he did bad things
But the but the church is basically going this is the beginning we're gonna have other influencer saints and then eventually we're gonna have AI
saints
It's gonna happen
Because they're gonna do a lot. We're gonna say this AI saint is spreading the
war. You used to have to go and spread the gospel. You'd go to a war-torn country, you'd
get malaria, you'd go into a hut, you'd talk to all these indigenous people, you'd hand
them out crosses, you'd open a Bible, you'd be sweating, there's bugs on you, and you'd go, now what if somebody just opens a MacBook and then the AI saint appears?
Mother Teresa could do so much more if she was AI.
And I know there's that whole Christopher Hitchens book,
and I know a lot of people don't love her,
and she was a fan of poverty more than the poor, and I get it, whatever.
I'm not saying Mother Teresa was great I'm just saying if she was AI if any of
these Saints were AI their powers to convert people the reach is so much more
the church is going the do not look to the church to get in the way of Prague do
not look to the church to stand between. They will applaud AI.
Trust me, they will only use it for their own purposes,
but they will not stand in the way of AI.
Like I know that they'll make some statements
where they're like, well, it's deeply troubling the inhuman.
As soon as it, and it's quickly becoming just a reality,
like the fight against AI is becoming fruitless. Really, people have started to realize that they're like yeah it's
coming it's coming no one has the energy to fight against artificial intelligence
once the church has accepted that this is just an inevitability they will
immediately start using it for their own ends.
And that will mean that you have influencers who are eventually AI that will become saints.
The church will start saying this AI person was a saint. It's a little scary. And before we go, on a happier note,
on a slightly happier note, the government has finally admitted that the Saudis did 9-11.
Isn't that nice? Nice article in the Atlantic magazine that just came out very quietly,
very quietly, and admitted that two decades of US
policy, and by the way, this is hilarious, an article in the Atlantic magazine, very
quiet, very quiet, just say, just put it out there, put it out there with all the other
articles about prime.
New 9-11 evidence points to deep Saudi complicity, two decades of US policy appear to be rooted
in a mistaken understanding of what happened that day. My favorite one, here's my favorite one and not to go on some kind of, you know, spiral
of conspiracy, but this is my favorite quote. It's my favorite quote from the article which I have.
Indeed some 9-11 Commission investigators thought the report went soft on the FBI
to prevent morale from collapsing entirely.
In light of new revelations, we could expect renewed criticism.
How could the Bureau have been so ignorant
of what the staff of a foreign embassy
were doing under its nose?
Counterintelligence, after all, is a core Bureau responsibility.
And the FBI's conduct on this case is inexplicable.
Curiously, agents continued investigating until at least 2021 and
to judge by the 2021 document knew about the Saudis indispensable report
Support for the hijackers, but their work was shut down by the Justice Department. There will be lots of questions to answer
People knew this three weeks after 9-11, by the way
They knew that this was like a Saudi op that members of the Saudi royal family
or at that point were very intimately involved in.
And we flew all those members of the Bin Laden family
out of the country.
And then we had Bandar Bush, the Saudi guy
influencing our policies,
sitting there smoking cigars, I believe,
with Cheney and Bush and Rumsfeld,
like four days after 9-11.
So this Saudi angle, by the way,
that we've completely minimized that state's thing
with 9-11 is very interesting.
It's being admitted in the Atlantic.
And senators like that guy, I forget who it was,
maybe it was Phil Graham, Maybe it wasn't Phil Graham
Somebody senator from Florida Bob Graham, I think who just pursued this angle was like harassed by the FBI
They would show up at his office. They would tell him he's barking up the wrong tree. This was a senator from Florida
I believe it was
Bob Graham
I think it was Bob Graham. Let's just get this right. But he was a 9-11 guy.
He was always pursuing this angle.
And yeah, former Florida governor and US Senator Bob Graham was always out there.
And he was always saying things like, hey, I think there's something going on here.
And I think there's a cover up.
And he was ignored and harassed and threatened and told that he was a lunatic and maligned.
And then he died at
87 but he was a patriot basically going out there and saying, a Democrat by the way, he
was a Democrat from Florida and he would go out and go, I don't understand.
This seems like a state sponsored operation.
It seems very weird.
And people were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
it's actually exactly what we said.
It's a rag tag group of, because by the way, that allows us to attack anyone and everyone.
It's a ragtag group of stateless actors.
Stateless actors, they don't have any state backing.
They're a ragtag militia.
You find them everywhere that we say they are.
They're anywhere.
You don't know who they are.
They're anywhere.
So that was American foreign policy for two decades.
So it's just very funny, the Atlantic.
By the way,
not a big news story, not a big news story,
not a big news story, you don't see it a lot.
Two decades of our foreign policy completely wrong
based on this assumption that a stateless,
al-Qaeda, the stateless militia essentially
was roaming around the world trying to get nuclear weapons
from everybody, it was completely untrue.
If you read the Atlantic article,
it was a state funded operation where elements deep within
the Saudi state national security apparatus had groomed
and funded these hijackers, groomed them,
sent them to America, they trained,
they carried out the attack.
And then we invaded Afghanistan and Iraq,
who both of those countries had absolutely nothing to do
with this, you know?
So it's just interesting, all this stuff.
Now this is the article that's coming out in 2024.
The article in 2044, once everyone has been dead
for many, many years, will be, well, it also seems like the Saudis might have had some weird like co-conspirators maybe
in our government, who knows?
But that article will get even less attention than this article if you can
imagine it.
We have one date left on this tour and it is in Nashville.
It is in Tennessee.
We are ending it in Tennessee.
We have one date left, folks, and it is in Nashville, Tennessee. We have one date left folks and it is in Nashville, Tennessee. The Comedy
Mothership has sold out the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, Tennessee. Also, by the way,
next November if you want to plan early, we will be in Displanes, Illinois, the event center
at Rivers Casino November 2nd, right before the election at Rivers Casino in Illinois.
And that'll be very exciting, but it is,
we have one thing left.
We have one show left.
We've enjoyed everybody who has come out.
We've sold more tickets this tour
than we have in any other tour.
And we've gone everywhere.
Thank you. We've gone everywhere.
We've gone everywhere.
Did the Chicago Theater again, which I love.
We did Carnegie Hall.
We went all over the country.
We went, we did Royal Chicago Theater again, which I love. We did Carnegie Hall. We went all over the country. We did Royal Albert Hall in London.
We went as far as Finland.
We went all over the place.
And we had a lot of fun.
We sold more tickets than we ever have before this tour,
which is great.
And we'll be recording a special pretty soon eventually.
And then we're taking the summer off
to podcast in the fall. know, we'll see you guys
You know late fall probably next year
and
It's very very exciting we thank everybody who bought a ticket we've had
So much fun on the road more fun this year. I think then we've ever had
I mean, we've you know, we've been lucky enough to do some of the coolest venues in the world
and we've been lucky enough to do some of the coolest venues in the world and
We've been lucky enough to
To do the pot every week and keep a pretty decent
Schedule it's been a little hectic, but it's been
Pretty good as we go out here. I want to say that I
Right now Boeing's getting a lot of heat
and
It might not be popular to say,
but I don't, you know, the thing about me, I don't care.
I stand on my moral ground, and a lot of people don't.
Their ground is very shaky.
Lot of seismic activity on their moral ground they're on.
Okay, not mine.
I love Boeing.
I love Boeing.
I love Boeing, I appreciate Boeing.
Everything I've said about Boeing
in a negative way has been a joke.
I think Boeing is great.
I think domestically they've taken me all over the country.
And I love that they're building weapons of peace.
That's something I love about Boeing
is they're building weapons of peace.
And every plane that Boeing make,
people don't realize it because people are like,
oh, Boeing's just to take your fat ass down to Disney World.
Boeing's just trying to take your fat ass
to fucking Sedona, Arizona.
No, it's not.
Boeing builds a lot of planes that keep the peace,
weapons of peace all over this world.
And I love Boeing.
I am just,
I'm a fan.
It was my first word.
It was my first word as a kid.
People don't, people don't even remember, you know,
their first word. I said Boeing. It was my first word as a kid. People don't, people don't even remember, you know, their first word.
I said, Boeing was my first word as a child
to my father and my mother, losers.
Nope, nothings.
I love them both, but had not really accomplished much.
And at that point, they did better later on,
but still not as, you know, as good as I deserved.
But I said Boeing to them and immediately they,
they knew that I understood the role that Boeing played in everything. I don't know that these
whistleblowers who keep dying I don't know I don't know about it I would say that, you know, another Boeing whistleblower dies at 45.
Every death is a tragedy.
Every death.
His aunt said he passed away yesterday morning and his absence will be deeply felt.
We will always love you, Josh.
She killed him.
But here's the thing.
We all want to blame Boeing.
That's the knee-jerk reaction is just to blame Boeing
for all the people that have said bad things
about them dying.
I've learned not to question God. I've learned not to question God.
I've learned not to question God.
And I, you know, God puts us on this earth
for a period of time and then he takes us off this earth.
He does it, he, him does it.
God is him, you know how all the kids say that?
They go him, they comment him,
when someone looks good they go, him, you're him.
God is actually him, young guys.
And God has chosen to take these three or four
Boeing whistleblowers from this earth.
We cannot ask why.
We cannot ask why.
God takes some people and we curse him.
But we cannot ask why.
We may curse him and in our anger,
in our human misunderstanding,
we don't understand why God has chosen to take three people who have been critical of Boeing's planes and
have pointed out some potentially dangerous defects and flaws in them.
Why would God take, why would we shake our fist at him and go, God, why would you take
these men who may not have been right?
They may not have been right about those defects.
Maybe they wanted attention.
We don't know. We don't know. We know we have a beautiful company with a great track record
of keeping the world safe and flying us to Disney World. And then there's these three
guys. We don't even know them. I don't even know. Have you met them? I don't know why
these Boeing whistleblowers died. Drugs, prostitution, guilt, maybe they killed themselves because
they were lying about a great company.
I can't say.
I can't say.
It would be my guess that after lying about Boeing, after smearing Boeing, they were so
guilty they said, I'm going to figure out a way to give myself a heart attack.
That would be my guess.
I could be wrong, I'm occasionally wrong.
Not usually, but I have once or twice been off.
But we can't ask why.
We can't ask why they're not here with us anymore.
We only can say that they're liars.
But we can't ask why they're no longer on earth
to lie to us
about a great company.
We can only say that they make stuff up.
They make it up.
They make it up.
If it's not Boeing, I ain't going.
I mean, that's what I always said as a kid.
I am a Boeing baby.
I believe in Boeing.
I'm a Boeing baby.
I believe in Boeing. I'm a Boeing baby. I believe in Boeing.
I put my faith in Boeing.
If a door blows off an aircraft, I look forward.
I don't look to the side,
and I don't ask for explanations.
I look forward.
All these people, how many people died in that?
One?
One got sucked out or not even anyone the latest turbulence
Well, no the Boeing with a thing open. Did one die? Oh, yeah one person flew out. Yeah
One person, one person flew out. You're going to shit on an entire company because one person got sucked out of a plane.
Is that where, is that the country that we live in now? One eight year old tries to rip the skin off his face.
One person flies out of a plane
and everybody gets fucking weird about it.
Everyone's getting weird about one person and a couple of whistleblowers
met untimely deaths shortly before they were about to testify. Zero actually. Oh
zero people died. Zero people died. Okay so literally here's the thing I kind of
am going and I'm siding with Boeing a little bit because no one died
When there is a major air disaster and there will be then it will be time
To really put Boeing under the microscope, but until then
Until there is a major air disaster Boeing should be able to kill the whistleblowers with impunity
Because I don't want to be nervous
So anyone who's gonna say shit about a plane get rid of them until it happened. When it
happens and we know it's coming when it happens and it's bad and it just then
it's time but we are not a country that likes to prevent things we let things
happen and then we go and deal with it.
So let's do that. Let's let things out. I don't want to hear more about prime
until a child explodes. Unless a child, not almost, not oh my kid has high blood
pressure, he's flushed, he has rosacea, he's having a seizure. I want a full
spontaneous combustion. If your child is not on fire and you cannot smell
their burnt skin, I don't wanna hear anything about prime.
I don't wanna hear it.
I don't wanna hear it until there's an actual disaster.
This is, nothing good comes of taking
any preventative measures.
The only thing we do in this country is make things worse.
Remember Iraq?
That was a preventative measure.
All we do is make things worse when we try to prevent disasters. We actually like disasters. We want and need them. It's the
only thing that makes us understand time and our place in it. So let the plane explode. Let it
explode and then let's deal with it. There's no good Nothing good coming has ever come from trying to prevent a tragedy in this country
The people who even try to prevent tragedies are kind of weird. I bet those whistleblowers sucked
Imagine going out and hanging out with them all they talk about his planes
They sucked
You go out you're trying to tell this guy
about some bitch you're fucking,
he won't shut up about the door!
Shut up about the door!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Whistleblowers suck, no one likes a rat.
No one likes a rat!
There's nothing less valuable than truth in this country
except the people who are telling it.
Get them out of here!
Light them on fire.
Tie them to a treadmill.
Throw them in a hot tub full of prime.
Let the caffeine get them.
I don't wanna hear anything about these whistleblowers.
Heroes, not so much.
Not so much. look at these guys is
he telling the truth he's telling the truth he's telling the truth you know
the things he was involved with until there is a massive accident and there
will be I'm on record it's coming could be me could be me New York to LA I'm sitting in first class and go it's ironic
Could be could be and then when that happens have congressional investigations
Call but but in but if it's just these guys making us nervous then get but you have to get rid of them
You have to get rid of them. The plane's gonna blow up or it's not
It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm sure it's fine.
It works well enough.
It's like the vaccine, whatever.
Aunt Carol had a stroke.
Could have been anything.
That door blew off.
Could have been anything.
Could have been anything. That door blew off. Could have been anything.
TimDillonComedy.com for tickets to the Ryman Theater in Nashville if you want to come.
We appreciate it. We'll see you guys on Patreon and we are pro-prime, we are pro-Boeing, we are pro-Cape Blanchett realizing
that 95 million dollars is nothing. We are pro all of these things. We are pro
the churches, AI Saints. We are pro all of these things. We do not, we are not scared.
We are not scared. We're even pro the Saudis,
because we believe that 9-11 has now,
enough time has passed, that it's not a big deal.
Like I read it and I'm like, I'm not even really mad.
After things have happened, you just get used to them.
Do you really want to imagine a world
where there wasn't a 9-11?
How weird would that be? All of your memories, you know, 9-11 was a big moment in our lives when we
grew up. So it's, you know, I don't know what would have happened had there not been a 9-11.
But I just think that you accept things.
You just accept it.
Whatever.
And at 9-Eleven, it wasn't what we thought. It wasn't what we thought.
Big announcement coming soon.
Excited to share something with everybody.
But as of right now, there's nothing to say and
Women wants dog back after sending it to be euthanized. No one can make a decision in this country and stick with it. Good night