The Tim Dillon Show - 404 - Tim Walz The Funnel Cake Dad

Episode Date: August 10, 2024

Tim goes off about a young Hollywood party, aging out of hating, Tim Walz, Minnesota, a dirty Olympic river, the National Guard, rich best friends and lizard skin suits. American Royalty Tour 🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/ SPONSORS: Ship Station Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/timdillon Express VPN Go To ExpressVPN.com/TimDillon Blue Chew BlueChew.com & Use Code: ‘TIM’ Ethos Get Your Free Quote At EthosLife. com/TIM Morgan & Morgan: For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. Thank you for tuning in again. I was at the Variety Young Hollywood Power Impact Summit last night. Hollywood Young Power Players honoring the young Hollywood. Impact list of power. I don't know what it was. My one of my really good buddies was getting honored there.

And it was at the proper hotel in Santa Monica. I don't ever go to these things. And there was a couple of people there that noticed me, that came over to me, they're like, wow, you're here. And I'm not really invited to these things. It's like TikTokers and usually, I could get invited like if I wanted to. I could get invited but it's not. I'm being honored at the Young Power Summit at Mar-a-Lago next week, the Young Power Impact

Awards. But I was there and look, Addison Rae was there. My co-star in Thanksgiving with the Madonna top, I saw her. I was there and Sabrina Carpenter who's this massive pop star, which I don't know. I don't, I'm aware of her name, but I didn't know about too much about the music. But I know that every time I'm in an Uber, I ask someone, who is this?

And it's always her, invariably. It's Sabrina Carpenter and his songs always kind, ma. It's very kind of relaxed and you know. And she looks like she was 3D printed to be a pop star. I mean, she's beautiful and she's honored. She gets the first award. And again, I'm unaware of what these awards signify. Apparently just, if she didn't know things were going well with 30 million Instagram followers,

they're reminding her, the people at Variety are reminding Sabrina Carpenter that things are going well and she gets up and she goes, hi, she's like, hi, she's like, thank you to everyone and she thanks thanks her, you know, whatever. And then she's like, thank my team for working hard. And then she goes, and thank me for working hard. And then she goes, everybody follow your dreams.

And then gets off the stage. This was being hosted by Matt Friend, the impressionist, who I used to hate. But we don't, I don't hate him anymore. I gave him a hug. We had like a misunderstanding and we didn't, you know, we didn't like each other. But you know, as I get older, I can only hate a few people at a time. I used to be able to hate so many people and I'm disappointed by now that I don't have it in me. I don't have the energy. It's like, you know, people say about Trump, they're like, he's getting older. He's kind of,

he's off message. He doesn't have, you know, he's not doing as many rallies as he used to. It's like, give them a break. I mean, the guy is, he's been, I mean, how old is Trump? 74? No, I think he's older than, I think he might be 76. 74 no, I think he's older than I think he might be 76 probably 78 Give this guy a break. He's out there. He's doing it. I mean love him or hate him at 78 I'm 39 and my my ability to hate people in large quantities is is not there anymore I

Used to take time out of my day to hate people. I would I would I would make it a in large quantities is not there anymore. I used to take time out of my day to hate people. I would make it a point to sit somewhere at a bar and eat lunch and hate someone for 45 minutes and think about what a terrible person that is and imagine scenarios of horrible things happening to them. I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it, I'm weak. I'm weak.

So I saw Matt Friend who I had a misunderstanding with, the impressionist Matt Friend, who's a little comedian as well. I'm not saying that in a negative way. I'm not trying to start a feud again. And we didn't have a feud. It was just, we didn't like each other, but he was a nice kid. He hosted it. He had a rough set.

It was rough. There's no way to win in that room, but he lost. And it was because, again, it's not his fault, kind of, maybe a little bit of it was, but there, it was just rough there. It's TikTokers and aspiring TikTokers. So imagine that. Imagine that group of people,

people that haven't quite yet found their footing on the TikTok app. People who are trying that out. You know what TikTok is, where the dance, they do that. People that are trying to figure that out. And there were some young actors there. Everybody's very attractive. It's LA, it's on a rooftop and he's up there

and it's just, he's going down hard. It's rough. It's tough. Sabrina Carpenter goes, who hired him? I was standing in the back. But it's not his fault really because I mean, who would want that gig? I mean if I had that gig it would have been it would have been bad in a more entertaining way

But it would have not been good But I've seen you see is the thing that comedians do they want these people to like them you you will lose Great comedians they take these gigs They host these award shows and stuff because they want these people to like them and the only one I've ever seen, two of them, Chris Rock, Letterman, they both killed but Ricky Gervais because he didn't give a fuck and he was just totally free But it's hard because you, it's hard, these people for the most part do not need any comedy.

They're 21. They're hot. They're millionaires. There is not any comedy that these people need. There is not one moment in their life that is not fantastic. Every moment of every day is fantastic. Maybe they get a little sad occasionally from time to time thinking about a past relationship or an aunt they like who died in a car accident. But it's so short lived.

None of them need comic. So there's all these hot young people standing on a roof. Some of them are millionaires. A lot of them need comic. So there's all these hot young people standing on a roof. Some of them are millionaires. A lot of them aren't. A lot of them are not, but they think they are. So it doesn't matter. They think they are because they're standing next to millionaires. So even though they have no business and no money, they're near people that do. They also don't need comic. And then you're up there. And Matt's an unreal talent in terms of impressions. He can do anyone, right? But he's up there and he's trying to entertain these people and they're just

not, okay, we don't have to, please. But they're just, it's tough. I felt for him because I have been in similar situations. Not, they would never, can you imagine that? Variety, Young Hollywood, and Anomaly. They would never, never, never have me host something like this. It's not at all something that I would ever be. But I've hosted corporate events before and I've been in situations where it's not good.

This is like James Charles is there and it's that crowd. It's the like YouTube crowd and then like young actors and their representatives and like a lot of like LA kind of plastic people and and then you're trying to make them laugh and my friend Marcelo was a really funny comedian got honored and it was nice he brought his parents and his father were talking about Maduro because they're you know Hispanic and uh I don't know how I feel about Maduro. Everyone keeps, you know, I don't know. Maybe he lost, but he seems to want the job.

There's something about him. I know he's a dictator, but there's something about him that I find charming. I like the ring. I find him a little charming. And I, I'm just saying that and I'm, I know that people will get angry with me for whatever reason. But I'm saying that there's something, shouldn't we find the good in people?

That's the question really. Yes, it's a coup and he's refusing to leave and the military's killing everyone. I get it. I get it. I've read the news, but shouldn't we find the good? What about a message of positivity? That's what all the TikTokers are always putting out there into the world. That's what all these social media people are always putting out there into the world. A message of positivity. And this, these, Marcello's family, they were talking to me and they're right, you know, behind the scenes, I think the US is kind of cool with them. Publicly, they're like, this is an outrage. But I think behind the scenes, I think they're like texting Maduro, like, whatever, you know what I mean? They don't care. They're just like stability, oil, whatever, money. Like, I think outwardly, they're like, you're a thief.

But behind the scenes, they're like, hey, we've worked with worse. We'll work with you. It's fine. And he's not leaving, right? He's got the military. Correct. This is the country of Venezuela,

if you aren't aware, people out there that are listening to this show, but I imagine they are aware because everyone who listens to this show is a fucking genius. Speaking of politics, we have a new entrance into the race for the White House. And I'm not talking about Doug Emhoff. I'm sorry, Kamala Harris. I was gonna say Connelly's arise. Kamala Harris's husband who they lock up in a house

in Brentwood and he struggles to get reservations at LA restaurants and calls the White House probably to try to get him in. This is my guess, I don't know. But Doug Emhoff is this kind of nothing guy who is, and we'll spend the next four years if she wins going, I'm the president's husband. And then like, hostess will go, yeah, okay, man, relax, we don't have anything, I told you that.

I mean, look at this guy, Doug Emhoff, he's a lawyer. Can you, kind of, perhaps? I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about funnel cake dad. Funnel cake dad, the king of the great lakes tim walsh the minnesota folksy funnel cake dad who's here to finally get everybody from america out on the lake for a nice day of grilling and fucking communism. No, Tim Walsh is, and I am by the way, I'm going to disclose all my biases. I hate Minnesota. I hate lakes.

I don't like fresh water because you, the brain eating amoeba, but other things. I don't like the Great Lakes culture. I don't like how frozen and cold it gets. I don't like how radical they are, even though they're boring. They're incredibly boring people that sit at diner counters, but when you talk to them, they're radical psychopaths. And I've always found that dichotomy disturbing

Tim waltz they wanted Kamala to pick Josh Shapiro and she didn't because he's a big Jew And they couldn't have it We know and he also did cover up a murder, one of his donors. It doesn't matter, I don't care. I don't care, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, they all do it. They all do it.

They all do it. If Ivanka had killed someone, Trump would have covered it up too, probably, right? I mean, this is what people do. What are you gonna, someone kills someone, you're not gonna help them. That's the measure of a man, is if your friend kills someone or your donor kills someone, will're not going to help them. That's the measure of a man is if your friend kills someone

or your donor kills someone, will you prosecuted it? Will you prosecute it as Josh Shapiro? That's the measure of a man. So Shapiro is a big Jew, which I have no problem with, but the Democratic rank and file hates. They don't like them. And the Democratic Party is a collection of interest groups. So, you know, that all kind of hate each other. So they're trying to win Michigan. And if they have this big, you know,

Josh Shapiro comes out, he's a Zionist, and he's like, Israel, Israel! What happens? You know, the people in Michigan start getting angry. They put the shawarma down and they start going nuts. So Kamala Harris has a real problem trying to balance the Muslims and the Jews, okay? So Josh Shapiro, everybody in high, get a picture of Josh Shapiro. Josh Shapiro looks like a 3D printed a Jew. Which again, I have no problem with,

but he is a very sharp, put together, like his brother's a big show runner in Hollywood. This is the guy. He's the real deal. He's not like me being gay or Candace Owens being black. This guy's legitimately Jewish, like Zionists, real deal out in front. What's good for Israel is good for us and you better like it BB Netanyahu needs another trillion put it on a truck like Jay Shapiro is out there in front and Kamala's got it. She's got a twerk around the issue of this

It's a big issue for the Democrats the Israel the, the Palestine, the Gaza, which no one's talking about anymore, but it is terrible and getting worse and all of those things. And I mean, you know, I don't talk about it every episode, but we talked about it a lot. We talked about it constantly. And what's happening over there is a humanitarian crisis and disaster and Israel doesn't seem to have any plans for post-war Gaza. The war's still going on. There's famines. There's all these things, right? Now, the Democratic Party's been taking a lot of heat from the young people on this issue. Young people do not want to back Israel at all costs. So you can't have Josh Shapiro out there talking about the importance of the, you know,

unending commitment to Israel. So what do you, what do you gotta do? Who do you find? You get Tim Walsh. Tim Walsh is a Great Lakes, is it, isn't it the Great Lakes of Minnesota? Am I wrong? Am I right?

Yeah. Land of 10,000 lakes. I mean, scum of the earth up there. Land of 10,000 lakes. Can you imagine living somewhere with 10,000 lakes? thousand lakes. So this frozen abominable snowman, Tim Walsh, and I would respect him if he said, we burned down Minneapolis and if we lose, we'll burn down America. I would respect that. If he went out and said, you're damn right, we had riots and

they're not January 6 is going to look like a kid's birthday party compared to what we'll do. We will burn it all down! So they get Funnel Cake Dad. Funnel Cake Dad is the folksy history teacher with no money that the Democratic Party thinks this guy should be the president because he's completely broke. He's like a character of Jed Bartlett from the West Wing. He lives in the land of 10,000 lakes and the Democratic Party kind of likes him because he's kind of keeping it together up there. You know, because the people in that area are prone to riot as they did. You know, he called in the National Guard, but he waited a day. He let everybody get it out of their system before he called in the National Guard. All of these, a lot of these riots were, you know, things that he and his wife expressed some level, They kind of enjoyed these things.

Get up my friend, Gwen Wals, my new friend, Gwen Wals. Now let's remember, take us back. When was this? This was 2020. Yeah, right after Floyd. Right after George Floyd tragically lost his life. You have riots in Minnesota, riots all over the place, all over the place. And of course

Funnel Cake Dad is, he doesn't know what to do, of course he would like to go sit down the rioters and give them a talk, you know this is the kind of guy he is right, he'd like to sit down. He imagines that he walks into the middle of a riot while people are burning everything down and he goes, there's a better way! And then he does some folksy crap and everybody goes, funnel cake dad is right. We could burn everything down, but instead we should get involved in the electoral process or whatever.

So funnel cake dad has these, he imagines that's going to happen for a day. And then the next day calls in the national guard. Now his wife, who's of course mentally unwell. Um, uh, and, and by the way, they have no money. I found this out, which makes me, I don't know, I suppose they have like nothing. They own like nothing. They have no stocks, bonds, whatever. Like they have nothing. They don't have any money. They've never tried to make any money. That's certainly interesting. So that's not their vice. What are they doing?

So let's take a look at Gwen Walls talking about how much she enjoyed these riots. I would say those first days, you know, when there were riots, I could smell the burning tires. And that was, that was a very real thing. And I kept the windows open for as long as I could because I felt like that was such a touchstone of what was happening.

See, this is what is interesting about these people. They're deeply sick. And this is all the Great Lakes people. There's something, I know a lot of these Minnesota people. I know, cause a lot of them do standup comedy and they're all very pale and they're very sick and they they move into cities all across America to do usually very bland and uninteresting stand-up comedy and they're very sick and they're pale and there's something wrong with them most of them all of them

and when you hear something like that, she goes, we left the windows open to breathe in the smell of the tires. It was so real. These people and listen, not that JD Vance is out there killing it, but he is he is slightly doing better with these press conferences. I mean, Walls got out of the National Guard before they sent him to Iraq. Also JD Vance went to Iraq as a military reporter. Stop this competition about who is more has stolen. Nobody in this race has been in the military.

Not Trump, not Kamala. Nobody that will ever lead this country has anything to do with the military. Let's cut it out right now. We expect our people to shirk their service. We expect that. In fact, if they don't, we're like, why didn't you get out of it? We expect it. So let's cut it out.

JD Vance was there. I didn't see combat. He's there like writing articles. And then Tim Walls, right before they send the National Guard to Iraq decides he's going to drop out and run for Congress so he can be funnel cake dad and tell everybody how important it is, you know, to play soccer with the Somalis or whatever he's telling people to do in the field.

Now, if you see those Somalis, you get out of soccer ball, you play soccer with them. They're just like us and maybe they are. They might be some of the might not be. But Gwen Walls, this psychopath who's very, very strange as a human being, because that's an odd recollection of an event, that you wanted to smell the burning rubber of a civil breakdown. It's a societal breakdown and you wanted to smell it. Now, whether that's true or not, I don't know, but she's chosen that as her memory of the event.

Now, she doesn't say anything about, now obviously I've only watched a few minutes of this, but I will continue this, but because I don't wanna say what she did or didn't say until we, but so far she said, I don't know what she, you know, this was her most, uh, this was her most memorable thing about that. Uh, time was that she was sitting there with the, uh, windows open so she could

smell the burning rubber of the tires. They like this, their lives are so boring. They like these riots and stuff. They get off on this up there. You know what I mean? How many times can you roll into the diner and order pancakes before you just like smelling burning tires? And this is what worries me about them. I would have been a little more comfortable with Josh Shapiro covering up murders and getting Hollywood back on track. But we have Funnel Cake Dad and his crazy wife. And everyone's going at Tim Walsh because he had a DWI. DUI.

DUI, driving under the influence, which I don't care about. I've driven under the influence a lot. I found that it didn't really obstruct my driving. I think the whole Dewey thing, to be honest, is overblown. Governor Tim Walsh has said in past campaigns that he wasn't actually drunk when he was pulled over for driving under the influence of 95. But a court transcript tells a different story.

A strong odor of alcoholic beverage was detected emitting from Mr. Walsh's breath and person. This is the type of thing, listen, a guy like this who has, he's not driven by money, I don't know what else he's driven by, we don't know if he's driven by pussy, we don't think he is, he's going to throw back a few. There's nothing wrong with that. He's in the land of 10,000 lakes. He looks cool as fuck there He kind of looks cool there in his mugshot

He's probably an insufferable guy When you when you you know, but so is Vance probably if you had to sit down for a dinner with either him or JD Vance Trump would be a lot of fun Kamala would be fun because she'd be drunk and giggling. And it would be like having dinner with your friend's mom. Waltz and Vance, dinner is a nightmare. Dinner is a nightmare with Waltz or Vance. They lecture you. They sit there and tell you what needs to happen

and how important they are. They allude to themselves in the third person, you know, probably, and then I said, Tim, you gotta leave the National Guard and be a fucking Senator. Now, you gotta remember, Minnesota is the land of Ilhan Omar, right? It's the land of all of these, you know, it's a very,

so he's a very left guy, he's a very progressive guy. And Kamala likes him because she feels like he's going to establish her bonafides with funnel cake dads and, you know, burning tire moms all across the country. These are the progressive people, funnel cake dad and burning tire mom. And yeah, I just don't love that region governing the country, but I don't love the advanced region either of the people who, what I mean, put their breakfast cereal in a pipe and smoke it. I don't think they're great to have either. Kamala's from Brentwood and Trump is in Palm Beach

in New York. And I think if it's, you know, if we're just going to go by regions, I find this lake region disturbing. I do. I, it, and it's, it's, it comes down to that. It comes down to, I kept the windows open so I could smell the burning tires. And it just felt so important for me to do. It felt like such a moment. And I, by the way, so many online businesses right now are struggling and trying to figure out how to make a profit. And one thing that I've always said about e-commerce

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by how many people are watching the Olympics. It's depressing me. It's depressing me because I've been nothing but negative about the Olympics because I feel that they are pointless and they've passed their prime and I don't like them. And so many people are watching and I've had to come to grips with this. I've had to accept the reality that people are actually,

I don't believe it, I don't believe this, but apparently people are watching. People are getting sick in the, they swam in the Seine, in the river in Paris, and like a few people were hospitalized. It's funny with climate change now, how it's gonna be tough to do the Olympics anywhere because everything's so filthy

that people are just gonna be hospitalized from jumping in a river now. It's gonna be fun when they have it in LA in four years and it's just burning, it's burning down. And like, you know, you have the black smoke from the fires like, you know, rising up so you can barely see the guy pole vaulting because he's doing it through black smoke from the fire.

I mean, Claire Michelle, Olympic triathlete who fell ill after swimming sane rivers says a virus made her sick. Yeah. Well, the river's disgusting and the bacteria levels are there. You know, nobody should be swimming in that river. Bacteria levels in the long polluted river have been in flux during the games, causing test swims ahead of the triathlon events to be cancelled and the men's triathlon to be delayed by a day. Organize said that the water quality test done by the day of the individual triathlon showed very good levels of fecal bacteria, E. coli and enter coli. So basically we're there. This is another reason we're going to be up. We're

going to have to scrap the Olympics because it's just too disgusting. We're going to be up, we're going to have to scrap the Olympics because it's just too disgusting. We're going to be watching Olympic athletes get hospitalized and die because they're going to be swimming in contaminated rivers. It's another reason we're going to have to move the Olympics completely indoors and probably online. Just do it online. Part of the reason that all these cities feel dead is because more life now happens on the internet than in real life. So it's not so much that these cities are uniquely decaying. It's that all across the country and the world, most of what drives the national conversation or even what drives people's specific individual conversations is the internet. Things that they see online, things that they read online, videos they

watch online. So these cities feel like they are decaying And I think part of it is because any physical location doesn't matter nearly as much as it did five, 10, 20 years ago. I just, I was a member of this thing called the San Vicente bungalows in Los Angeles. It's like a, you have to be recommended to get in and all that. I just canceled my membership because it's just pointless. It's $5,000 for the year.

What you get for that is you get a membership into this little building in West Hollywood where you can go have lunch, you know, make it in Harrier members. And you go there and you have a breakfast meeting or a lunch meeting, you can go for dinner or cocktails or whatever. When you go in with someone who isn't you,

who's a non-member, they put a sticker on the camera of their phone because they think that that person is an animal and is just going to start taking out their phone. And if they see a famous person, they're just going to start taking photos of them. Now, obviously, that isn't true. But I mean, look at this.

This is a dump. This is a dump. And my agents got me into this. They're like, we got you into the San Vicente bungalows. Like I was supposed to go, thank you. I had the membership for a few months. I said, I'm out. And you know why?

You know why none of this matters anymore? Because everyone is seeing everyone online. If you've got something going on, people know about it. There's no whisper campaign that originates at the San Vicente bungalows, okay? The Soho house, all these things you people are members of, they're all pointless. If you enjoy them, keep your memberships.

I'm not telling you that they're fun. You meet people, get laid, you get drunk. Oh, that guy's got good coke. I'm not telling you how to live. I'm saying they are nothing in real life. They mean nothing. It's dilettantes. It's people that wanna be around creative people who aren't even creative.

It's the irony of it all. But all of these things, yeah, right. Inside the L.A. club, it's like, oh, it's a woman's lunch with Jamie Lee Curtis. Great. That's worth five grand a year. I'm out of all of these things. I because all of these clubs are Pointless the food is terrible the people in them are are are are desperate in a way that is obvious and quite Transparent out there clawing at any signs of life. It's state there Everything is is is is digital now or it's quickly moving in that direction. So all of these places you go, they're kind of dilapidated and you can remember when they were hot, when they mattered, when it was buzzy, when there was a scene, when it mattered what someone said, who you did coke in the bathroom with at the

San Vicente, but now it's just people go that followers, they have followers therein. You don't have followers, you're out. They got something going on, we can see it. They just go to your social pages, what do you got going on, and the new group of Hollywood young impact power player whatever is all it's a tally it's just a tally of your social media followers so the agents and the managers that used to matter are just wandering around like corpses the great play that I saw in New York, The Ferryman, with the great Irish actress, Fenulah Flanagan, Sam Mendes directed it. It was a Jez Butterworth play, The Ferryman.

They had a great line. I forget what they were quoting, but they have this line. See if you can get this up. And it is people wandering the Earth, souls wandering the Earth, waiting for the ferryman. You know, it's this great quote, and I think it's Greek mythology or something. I don't know.

And it's basically the quote is, ferryman of the dead. Yeah, get that quote. Is there a quote there? Yeah, hold on. Because this is how I would describe the the the agents and the managers, all these people that used to have power and used to be able to, you know, basically they are now the souls of the undead wandering the earth waiting for the ferrymen to take them to the underworld. That's all they are. And again, many of them I like, and it's not meant to be insulting, but they are the undead

wandering the earth, waiting for the ferryman to take them to hell. And I don't say that in a negative way. That's just what these people are because they serve no purpose anymore. Everything is a tally. It's an algorithm and it's just numbers. So there is no conversation that has any value outside of just pointing to a phone and going, look, look who I got. I got this person.

There's nothing interesting to be discussed. this person. There's nothing interesting to be discussed. Occasionally some brand deal is cooked up over, you know, mocktails or something, but pretty much it's all, it will take us a while to find this quote. I'll get it. I'll get it one day.

Maybe we'll add the tier on Patreon for a thousand dollars if you wanna hear the quote that I'm thinking of. And if you pay a grand, I'll just, I'll just. We had a lot of fun with Doug Emhoff on Patreon. He's one of our faves, pathetic. But that's why these cities and these social clubs and these events feel hollow. It's because everything's already happened that's needed to happen.

All the things that have been decided have already been decided. There's nothing is happening. It's a simulation. Everyone at the party who's famous knows they're famous and everybody who represents them knows that. And there is nothing. There's no like, you know, you got to see, you know, you got to check out. And STEM knows that and there is nothing, there's no like, you know who you gotta see? You know who you gotta check out? They just take out a phone and go, check out what he does.

Check out that guy. Oh, the trampoline guy, yeah. He answers the trivia question on the trampoline before he falls down. I like that guy. It's game shows, it's everything. It's safe, brand safe, the brands love it. And that's what makes Tim Walsh interesting is he is a creature from before the time where everything was numbers and

algorithms. He is a funnel cake dad who crawls like an abominable snowman out of a cave in Minnesota and he brings his folksy charm and radical politics and he joins a wine-drunk Brentwood mom on the quest to lead this decaying nation against the casino magnet, once president, Donald Trump and JD Vance, a tech zealot, an interesting tech zealot. But make no mistake, we do have Shapiro would have been, to me, more of an interesting candidate because that fight in the Democratic Party they need to have between the J's and the M's. And by J's and M's I mean Jews and Muslims. But that fight, and don't get mad at me, that's the problems.

That's the issues. None of them would talk to the Young Hollywood Power Summit impact report. None of that came up there. But you do hear it on the streets with the youth. I think it was funny when Trump said that Tim Walsh was deep in the transgender world. That was a very funny quote. He's deep in the transgender world. That was a very funny quote. He's deep in the transgender world. I don't know what this these I will say these laws that say that if you do not

recognize your child's gender, the state, the judge can use that against you and remove the kid from the home is that's not warming anyone's heart, by the way. The Democrats need to chill with the culture stuff in the same way that the Republicans need to on the other end. Nobody wants a national abortion ban. In, you know, if you poll the country, the numbers don't support that. And I don't think anybody wants parents to be forced to accept their child as another gender by the state. Nobody wants the state parenting the kids. And if they don't, or if it takes them a while to accept

that the state comes in and can take the child away this is a insane law and it is Something that and need this other thing with schools where we've talked about it on the program This California Senate approves ban on transgender notification policies in schools. I don't think it's good that teachers and students keep secrets from parents. I think that leads to a bad place. You know?

Can you imagine Tim Walsh being like, listen, I know you want to chop your tits off. And I support that. But why don't you show them to me one time? why don't you show them to me one time? Why don't you show them to me one time before you drop them off? How great would it come out if Tim Walz, he's just a folksy social studies teacher

and he just fathered a child with one of his students. Just a folksy. I respect, he gets my vote if he comes out and he goes, we'll burn this country down. We'll burn it down. We burned it down once and we'll burn it down again. And if your kid wants to chop their tits off, I'm coming to the house with a cleaver.

I'm funnel cake dad. He's angry, so he's angry about, I'm angry you bastards. He's pissed off because him and his wife have no fucking money. I'm mad! JD Vance, he didn't serve in the National Guard like I- By the way, the National Guard, can we cut that out? The National Guard? I think I'm in the National Guard.

I mean, the National Guard is nothing. If you are not in combat getting shot at, I do not want to hear about your military service. You joined the gym. If you were in the National Guard and you did not see, or if you're JD Vance and you went to Iraq, you joined the gym, or even worse, you were a journalist. I do not wanna hear about your military service.

If you were not getting shot, I want you, for me to take you seriously, if I ask you about your service, you have to look down because you've lost so many people. I've had friends that came home from the military and those friends tell me, they go, Tim and I swear to God, they say this, they go, I did all these tours in Iraq

and the only way I can come now is even though I have a wife, I get on a bed and I put an ad on Craigslist and someone comes in and they fuck me with a gun to my head and I put a bag over my head and then they leave and I never see them and that's, I can come without even touching my dick because that's how fucked up they are. That's what I want to hear from a candidate who did a bunch of tours in the military. I don't want, if you are not that level of fucked up, I don't believe you served. I don't believe you served. I don't believe you served.

I had someone tell me that once. They go, I just take an ad out on Craigslist. I get on all fours on the bed. The guy comes in, fucks me in the ass. I have a bag over my head. He puts a gun to my head. Why are you laughing? This is what somebody said to me once at a lunch at Hillstone.

And I, and I went, Oh, and he goes, and then that person leaves and I don't know who it was and I don't know and I never see them again and then I get tested for AIDS. If you are not at, this is what I believe because when you are in war things happen, it unlocks things. I would do great in war, great I would do. I just can't be in the physicality of it because I think it's like, it seems tiring and stuff, but I would be great at just the kind of decision making, you know, just like they go, we got to kill, we got to burn that village. I go, burn it baby. I would be able to give the soldiers speeches to keep them on message, you know People that are losing heart soldiers that are losing heart

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about the lithium ion and all that. All the mineral deposits that the Ukraine is sitting on. Play Lindsey Graham. One of our dumbest senators saying the quiet part out loud, we don't care about the Ukrainian people. We never have. It is a wealthy country and we do not want Russia and China getting those mineral deposits. And of course, we have Lindsey Graham saying that out loud. We could have avoided this bloodshed. We could

have figured out some compromise in every war. There is a compromise and it is usually a land deal. Someone gets something, someone else gets something, no one's thrilled about it. But Lindsey Graham starts talking about the Ukraine War and he starts talking about what a wealthy country the Ukraine is and how it would be crazy for us to abandon the Ukraine so that Russia could share those mineral deposits and all the other things with China. Here's Lindsey Graham.

They're sitting on 10 to 12 trillion dollars of critical minerals in Ukraine. They could be the richest country in all of Europe. I don't want to give that money and those assets to Putin to share with China. If we help Ukraine now, they can become the best business partner we ever dreamed of, that $10 to $12 trillion of critical mineral assets could be used by Ukraine and the West, not given to Putin and China. This is a very big deal how Ukraine ends. Let's help them win a war we can't afford to lose.

Let's find a solution to this war. But they're sitting on a gold mine to give Putin 10 or 12 trillion dollars of critical minerals that he will share with China is ridiculous. Well, as Lindsey Graham confirming there, it is about the people, the great people of the Ukraine. That's who it's about. So it's always been about Lindsey Graham, Senator Lindsey Graham confirming my worst suspicions that the United States was there to help the Ukrainian people.

Amazing. Two years into this, by the way, Lindsey Graham comes out and goes, well, they're rich. That's why we're there. Because a casual observer might say, well, there's like civil wars all over the world. There's horrible humanitarian crises all over the world. Some of them we are funding at the very moment. And we seem only interested in this one. We seem to have a micro focus on this one conflict we seem pretty hell bent on supporting the Ukraine against Russia at all costs no matter what and we don't want any peace deal made and we

don't want any resolution and I wonder why when we are very content to let people get slaughtered in every corner of the world a lot of them with our weapons And then Lindsey Graham comes out two years in and goes. Yeah. Yeah, they're rich That that that's why we're doing it they're rich they have money And either Russia and China get the money or we get the money. Who do you want to get the money? I like it because Lindsey Graham, you got to realize, he's an old reptile and he's been in the game long enough where the scales show and his eyes do the lizard thing.

Like it's almost time to dish the skin suit and go back to the center of the earth. So he's just, he's in his fuck it mode. Lindsay Graham's in his boomer cruise, fuck it mode. He is just saying, there's people in Washington going, Lindsay, what are you doing? You closeted freak. But he is out there basically saying, Hey, Hey, it's about the money. What are you stupid?

And then everybody's like, Lindsay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's about human rights. It's about lesbian basketball players. It's about trans athletes. It's about Russia is not nice. It's about, come on, we're going to do all those other things. Lindsay, it's not about any of that. It's not about the money.

It's about the Ukrainian people. It's about self-determination. Come on, shut up, shut up. But then Lindsay comes out and he goes, fuck it, I'm an old reptile and I don't have the fucking time. I'm about to drop this skin suit off of the cleaners for the last time and go right to the center of the earth where I'll rain forever in the pits of fire. I'm going to speak my mind. I'm going to say what I want to say." And he says it like in a sassy gay southern way. Well, they got all that money and why shouldn't we have that money? Reminds me of Todd Chrisley. Remember that guy, him and his wife went to jail for embezzlement. They were neighbors with the Kardashians. Lindsey Graham talks like that guy.

Well, they got all that money in Ukraine. Why wouldn't I have that money? Are you stupid or something? We need that money. He goes share with Russia and China. I love pussy and I love money. My name is Lindsey Graham and I'll tell you right now, they got all that fucking money over there

They're sick. They could be one of the richest people ever And they could be our best friend you ever had a rich best friend you ever go to the mall with your rich best friend and Sometimes they buy jeans and they buy you a pair too And you just want to suck that friend's cock, but you can't because you love pussy and your wife but suck that friend's cock, but you can't because you love pussy and your wife. But instead of that, you get all this money. I just want all this money. I'm about to take this skin suit off, go live in a, in a pits of fire.

And before I do that, I'm going to say what I feel. I'm going to say what I feel. I'm going to say it. I'm not going to lie no more. This has been about money. I don't know what, what we don't care about the Ukraine I don't give a shit ain't nobody give a shit about the Ukraine, but they rich They got a big old house and we go swim in a pool So we got a pretend to care about them, but we don't

By the way the Ukrain, I know one Ukrainian comedian who lives in Texas now, that kid I had on my show now lives in Texas, the mothership, they're all fine. They're all at the mothership. That's Lindsey Graham, by the way, just out there. He's such an interesting guy, you know? It's just Disneyland, reporting fewer operating, It's just Disneyland reporting fewer operating profit in Q3,

citing inflation and demands for park as moderate. People are not going to Disney World as much. I'm very proud of my country, even though many of them are watching the Olympics. I'm very proud of my country that they are starting to see how disgusting Disney World is, how repulsive it is, it is terrible to bring your children to. And this is not because they have Gay Day or whatever, that some of you queue on Lunatics. It's because it is banal, it is boring.

Disney movies have sucked now for many, many years. They're no longer interesting. They don't have villains. The reason that Disney movies suck now is they don't have villains. They don't have Maleficent, they don't have Ursula. They don't teach anybody anything about the world, they don't teach children about the world anymore. They are strange and they're odd and they are not worth anybody's time and Disney World is old and it's getting decrepit and many

of the people that are visiting Disney World are mentally unstable adults. And now because we have destigmatized that and we have allowed mentally unstable adults to fill the parks, most of your Disney World trip will be having to explain to your children why they are waiting on a line with mostly morbidly obese adults to go on the ride. Why are all the people on the ride big and fat mommy? Because that's who comes here now. Morbidly obese adults on multiple medications. That's who attends the park. Why is the why is it such a long wait? Well because adults come here now and it's okay. Disney is okay and I'm not even shitting on my gals my plus-size park hoppers. We love you. We love you, ladies.

But most people are realizing that Disney World is just not worth it. You take your kids once. Let's play John Hinckley speaking about peace and harmony. The great John Hinckley who shot President Reagan, very sad, of course. This is John Hinckley speaking about peace and harm. I really wanna get him.

I'm trying to get him and his band to play for this Netflix show, but I don't believe they're going to clear it through legal. I wanted the John Hinckley Jr. band to play for this Netflix talk show thing, and I thought it would be funny to say, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for John Hinckley Jr. and the audience is clapping. Nobody, but let's listen to John Hinkley jr here hello everybody hope you're doing great i know there's a lot of violence and turmoil in the world now too much our country is yes really in a bad place right now but we need to try and be peaceful correct try and get along with each other that is correct let's have some harmony in our in our lives please yes and try and reject violence in all its forms correct

I'm trying to live a peaceful life myself now I mean I know I'm I know I'm known for an act of violence but that is correct I live a peaceful life now I try I want to project that image of being a peaceful person. Yes. I try as hard as I can, but we need to try and get along and and just love each other. I mean that's the main thing is to try and love each other. Preach, preach John Hinckley Jr. Love yourself. Preach. And let's try and live in harmony. Gospel, facts. And let's get a piece of chance as John Lennon said, let's get a piece of chance. Facts. Next time he hosts Variety's Power Impact Summit of Young Hollywood.

Many of you guys weren't born when this guy made his bones shooting President Reagan multiple times. But bygones. Like many of you at this party, we've all done things we're not proud of. Please bring up John Hinckley Jr. and his band. See, that's what I would do. You get John Hinkley up there. But by the way, like OJ Simpson, you know, their acts are not ideal. But, you know, quite frankly, at the end of their life,

I feel like after you've killed someone, you attain like or try to kill someone. You attain this crazy level of wisdom. OJ at the end was like so lucid, it was amazing. So killing someone or attempted murder, they become like some type of, you know, this camo hat that Kamala and Walsh are selling is disgusting. It is disgusting. Look at that.

They think you're so stupid, by the way. And I'm not saying that every politician doesn't, but I'm saying specifically this hat. Man, they think you're, I'm a liberal hunter. I'll burn it down. I'll burn it down again. Funnel cake, dad. So funny.

Now, do we have some of his old students talking about what it's like to have to have studied under the tut friends, one of them in particular, a comedian named John Kennedy, they're really texting me and they're all like, oh, they're full of their lake pride. And I don't like it. The lake people must be kept down. We are an ocean country. The strength of the waves as they crash on the shore, not the fucking lake.

Oh, we don't have the videos of them. No, this was the only person had done a Politico article. I had only had him for a year and it was actually his last year before running for Congress. And the thing I would always hear about Walsh was that he's not really a homework guy. So as long as you could reasonably show up, participate in discussions, you just have thoughts that you could

articulate. He wasn't really a lecturer. He valued the thoughts and experiences of kids. He was known for treating kids quite a bit like adults in that way. On Fridays, we would focus on current events. He would have this rotating group of students do a little bit of their own research or bring in about two or three minutes of context. And then he would open the door, and the rest of the class

would be an active discussion. I remember him grading us quite a bit on our ability to look something up, give us a bit of context, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So they said, did you remember any of the debates? Because it was one that stood out. Now that I look back on it in 20 years, we were reading about France's attempts to come up with social policies around Muslim women covering themselves in certain public places

and whether or not we believe that to be a Western ideal or an example of this demand for democracy gone a little bit too far, that that's maybe not as respectful as we want it to be of cultural differences and identity. I was doing a lot of listing that day. Walsh did a really good job of making kids feel the cognitive dissonance of what it's like to grow up in the most powerful country in the world but also these things he would never consider as a white middle-class kid in southern Minnesota. He's a good teacher. So what? So what? Funnel Cake Dad was a good teacher. I have no problem believing that. I have no problem believing that.

But I just, I'm not sold on him yet. I'm not sold on this man. I have a lot of problems with the lake people. I think there's a deep insecurity to lakes. I, I, you know, there's something about oceans that toughen someone up and lakes that make them soft. That's what it is. Come at me. I don't care. It's true. That's what it is. Come at me, I don't care, it's true. I'm saying that, well, if oceans make people tough and not soft, well, you live by an ocean, you're fat. Yeah, I know that. But whales are fat and very tough, actually.

So, that's not a, I'm not saying that Lake people and Walsh himself is a little snowman. I like his gaits, the way he stands and his cadence. He's kind of a fun like action figure person. Like Tim Walsh like the way he just kind of like presents. I do like the way he presents. He's like an, like an angry grandpa. But should he be, you know, I don't know, should he be given all this power? Let's play something he said.

Let's play something he's talking about. Well, I grew up with in the heartland, JD studied at Yale had his career funded by Silicon Valley billionaires. My family, they don't even know where Yale is. My family riots, that's what people do in real America. They burn cars, they burn houses. That's what they do. They don't go to school. JD Vance went to Yale. We burn things down.

That's the only way my wife can come is if she smells rubber from tires being burned in the middle of the street Because it breaks up our boring lake life of fucking going to diners and having snowball fights This guy grew up in that what's that famous Christmas movie with the bootlamp? Why am I blanking on this Christmas story? Yeah, he grew up in the Christmas story Kamala Harris grew up in a bottle of wine and Which I like her because here's the thing about Kamala Harris. She's a wino Ho and she's just kind of out there getting drunk and hopping on dicks and you know as ways to live It's certainly not the worst

And Trump is just he's got to find his footing again because he's all over the place and he's erratic. And he needs to, like in 2016, he was very, he was like, it's build the wall, it's immigration, it's this, it's that, a singular focus. He was pounding them on one thing, one thing. Now it's a lot of different things. He's got to find the messaging. Their side doesn't care about the message.

It doesn't matter. Their message is that we're not Trump. That's the only salient message that they've put out. This guy's barking and yelling and screaming. He doesn't know what he's saying. He's talking about the real America and folksy down home. I we mash our potatoes with a fork. He's just an actor they brought in.

She is a complete, you know, he's just an actor they brought in she is a complete You know a hollow human being that is just full of ideas From you know billionaires. She has no opinions other than that. It might be fun to be this president thing. That's her campaign She's just having a ball because she's where she never thought she'd be. The presidency, he's screaming and yelling about oatmeal.

We use milk in our oatmeal, not water, whatever his fucking. And they're just gonna say like, you know, we need to help the middle class. None of them are gonna help the middle class. The Democrats and the Republican, this is not, the middle class. None of them are going to help the middle class. The Democrats and the Republicans, this is not, this idea that any one of them are going to go start helping the middle class,

like they all roll their sleeves up on day one and go, all right, so the middle class, how do we help? I mean, it's not, this is not their first order of business, no matter who wins, by the way. But Trump's got to find the message that, and I think the message should be, and I, you know, I don't know, but I think the message should be that this will be country by committee, not a president. This will be led by people in the shadows who are not elected and not accountable.

And you don't even have to use this term deep state. You say anything you want. But it is quite obvious that a woman who has not spoken for four years, it has very few opinions that we know of that seems to have the opinion of any interviewer who asks her a question. And whatever opinion she does have are not mainstream opinions,

but I don't even think she has them. I think they're just things she cooks up. She wants to be liked and then she brings on funnel cake dad to make people feel good about things. But I think the reality of the situation is it will be country by committee. It is not going to be a president and that's why they removed Joe Biden. That's why they put in her and I think that is kind of the message is that, you know, love me or hate me, I will be the president. And whatever you may think of her, she's not going to be the president. The person who she worked for wasn't the president. We don't know who the president is. In fact, the country probably

doesn't need a president. But the people that are pulling the strings and making the decisions are moving us very quickly into a position with Russia we shouldn't be in. There's going to be probably a pretty big war in the Middle East. Wealth inequality has done nothing but been exacerbated. Big tech and Wall Street still runs the show. And I mean, you've got Hollywood on the Kamala side and then some of these libertarian tech bros on Trump's side. The libertarian tech bros kind of want to use Trump because they have agendas as

well and they want to just suck up a bunch of government money and federal grants so that they can go on their fucking live forever quest and you know they think they're building a new god which is AI these people are terrifying and should be watched. They want to go on their you know let's merge humans and machines quest with some government money, some fun grants and that's why a lot of them love Trump. And then she's got big Hollywood on her side because they have traditionally been Democrats and they know that she is going to be an incredibly powerful ally to have for mergers and things that they want to do. Okay. So it's all agendas at the top and at the bottom it's fucking funnel cake dad with a fun

debate about burkas in France and then we're all going and we're all going to have a blue plate special. Oh, we're gonna eat some meatloaf and talk about burkas." And his wife sits there and she's talking about the burning tires and that's the way they talk to you. The way that they talk behind closed doors to their big donors and to the people that matter is much differently than the way that they talk to you. What you are seeing is stagecraft, acting, it's Hollywood for seeing is stagecraft, acting, it's Hollywood for ugly people,

as many, many, many others have said before me, a great quote. This is a completely staged, manufactured thing. These people are not necessarily, the most authentic of them, love them or hate them, is Trump. That doesn't mean that everything he wants to do is great or that he doesn't have negatives about him as a human being. But when he's mad, you can tell because he's ineffective. When he gets up there on the stump and he's angry, he's like ineffective

and he's all over the place. But there's an authenticity to him that people connect with, but it isn't, you know, it isn't working as well this time. And I think it's his energy levels and his focus. And now we're just, he's agreed to three debates. We got to let him and her for three hours now, three debates with these two. I mean, God, that's going to be a lot. So if I was at the Young Power Summit Impact Hollywood, this is the old Hollywood Power Summit. These are the most famous people in the world. Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, JD Vance, Dead Eye JD, and Funnel Cake Dad. These are the most famous people in the world and much like a lot of the people that were at the young power broker influencer impact awards ceremony

These people aren't famous for much of a reason Some of it is an accident of history. Some of it is earned. Some of it is a sociopathic tenacity the Kamala Harris ambition, the clawing, the scraping, the scratching, stepping on the necks of anyone, backstabbing, all of that stuff, you know, and these are the most famous people in the world for the next few months and then some of them will fade into obscurity. That's the thing about the presidency, you know, and that's the thing about politics in general

You're hot and then you're not it is a very quick ascent to a level of fame that most people will never experience and Then you have to deal with it. See if it unravels, before you are then put back in general population with a shitty little book deal and some third-rate podcast appearances, and this could be one of them. But as the intellectual genius Sabrina Carpenter said, and I address this to Funnel Cake Dad and his wife, burnt rubber's,'s, Burnt Rubber Gwen, as the brilliant Sabrina Carpenter said last night to a room full of vacant-eyed TikTokers,

follow your dreams.