The Tim Dillon Show - 416 - Election Analysis & Turning Yourself In

Episode Date: November 9, 2024

Tim examines hotline abuse, podcasters swaying the election, joy being stolen, who’s going to jail, Tuscany, finding a wallet and the problem with condescension American Royalty Tour 🎟 https://punchup.live/TimDillon SPONSORS: Ship Station Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/timdillon Gametime: Get The Gametime App & Use Code: 'TIM' Morgan & Morgan: For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim CBDistillery CBDistillery.com | Use Code: 'TIM' For 20% Off Express VPN Go To ExpressVPN.com/TimDillon ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ GUEST STUDIO Move Creative Content Studios https://themovemiami.com/ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. We are excited to be here. We ended up in Miami for the week. So we have a nice little studio here in Miami. These people have let us use the studio and we will put their information in the description of the episode, if you were in Miami and you want to record a podcast, you should do it here. Now, are you going to be in Miami? No. You're not going to be here and you don't have a podcast and you don't have any money to pay them to rent the space because the podcast you have doesn't earn any money and none of that's my fault. So what this is called is an empty gesture. I'm saying a nice thing that has no bearing on your life. It never will. You'll never be here

doing this. It doesn't matter. But I'm saying it because it makes the people here feel good and it makes me feel good. It's nothing for me to say it. It just means nothing. And it's just like many, like the reactions that many of you are having to this election, they ultimately mean nothing. They don't mean anything. I appreciate that people are unhappy. I understand that you're upset. I understand that you're upset. Do you need to post the suicide hotline? Do you think that's appropriate? Do you think it is appropriate to take time away from people who are genuinely suicidal? There are people that have been suicidal for months or years that utilize that service because they want to check out. And you're calling it the day after the election because you're upset. That's not what a helpline is for a helpline, I don't know if people need to hear this or who, a helpline is not for people being

upset over a presidential election. That's not what it's for. It's for people who have genuine problems that are going to jump off a bridge or take too many pills or end it with maybe a firearm. I don't know. That is who it's for. It is not for you because you are upset about the outcome of the presidential election. Also, when you see the helplines that people are sharing, you can see why the election went the way it did because it's not one helpline. Why unite? It's 17 helplines. If you are a BIPOC person, call this. If you are Southeast Asian and trans, call that one. If you are a Quaker, call, there's too much going on with the helplines. I don't understand. They're like, why did we lose? Why did we lose? Anyway, here's 27 suicide hotlines that correspond to every single thing about yourself. If you are non-binary and Scottish, call this line because they are well-versed in the non-binary community

in Scotland and they can handle this. Do you understand how silly it all is? How silly it looks to people? And I know people are angry. You can be angry. You can be sad. You can be mad. These are all emotions that you can have. And you can be fired up. And that's all good. These are all good things. These are all good things. It is curious to post the hotline and then say you're at your breaking point and then 13 minutes I counted later post a tasting menu from a five-star restaurant that you are attending for your friend's birthday. That is curious behavior.

Obviously the election happened last week. We don't have a result yet. We think Trump won. We don't know. And people are mad and comedians are mad. And comedians are mad because Donald Trump and JD Vance went on podcasts. And had they not done that, had they not done that, had they not done that, it may have been different.

This generational rebuke of everything that the Democratic Party has stood for, we're gonna blame losing the Senate, the presidency, and most likely the House. We're going to blame that on four or five podcasters. You get it? People with podcasts, that's there. They're the ones who are at fault. Everything went down in flames across the board.

Donald Trump won every swing state and gained with every demographic, including Latinos, blacks across the board. He did incredibly well. Kamala did not outdo Biden in any of the states. Most of the ballot measures that were, for example, in California, things like bringing back harsher penalties for looting a store or a flash mob running in and grabbing stuff. Most of those ballot measures passed. The liberal DA George Gascon in California was replaced with a guy named Nathan Hatchman, ho something like that.

He promised to bring back stiffer penalties for crime. People across the board, Oakland, Oakland, where people where people are insane there recalled I believe the mayor they went more right-wing in Oakland they went more right-wing and it's the fault of a few podcasters I can't I can't, I can't. That's the lesson to be learned here. Every single thing that you wanted to happen did not happen. Every single thing across the board, the people of Oakland, the conservative people of Oakland decided that they wanted to have a functioning society. That's what happened in the election, by the way,

whether you like it or not. People decided they wanted a functioning society. They said, I would like society to function. And for that, you're saying they are racist Nazis and they're dangerous. And it's the fault of a few people with podcasts. Now, by the way, I want to send a message out there to comedians that are upset about this. You can also have a podcast. By the way, I want to send a message out there to comedians that are upset about this. You can also have a podcast.

This is something that many people I guess are unaware of. You can also start a podcast. There is not one law on the books preventing you from starting a podcast and making it successful. You can do it. You are absolutely within your rights. Well within them to start a podcast and have it be very successful and then bring on any candidate you want and talk with them. But the same reason that many of you guys don't have a podcast is

the same reason that Kamala Harris would not go on Joe Rogan because Kamala Harris was depending on the institutional media to elevate her campaign in the same way that many of you have depended on the institutional structures within the entertainment business to give you a career. So when everybody was going on the Internet and building podcasts and making sketches and being independent and getting a fan base, many of you guys were sitting there waiting for your pilot to get picked up or to get a writing job. And you were you were betting on the institutions, the same institutions who said a couple of years later, they wanted to replace you with AI. Those guys, those institutions. And you wanted to make sure that you didn't go on a podcast and say anything offensive because God forbid somebody at one of those institutions that you were all depending on who now want to replace you with AI,

you wanted to make sure that none of them were offended. Not any of those executives in their 10,000 square foot homes in Malibu. You did not want them to see a tweet or hear something you said on a podcast. It was offensive. So you stayed away from the internet. You huddled and you hunkered down and you said, fuck it. I'm waiting for the good people at Comcast or wherever to give me a job and listen.

Cool. Fine. But nobody prevented you from having a podcast. Nobody prevented you from getting a fan base on the internet. And certainly nobody prevented you from having Tim Walls or Kamala Harris on that podcast. Nobody prevented anybody from going on any podcast. In fact, Kamala had a standing offer to go on Joe Rogan. She would not show up to Austin and sit there for two hours. She wanted

Joe Rogan to fly to her and sit there for 45 minutes where she could give tightly scripted answers to questions that he would bring up. And Joe Rogan, who's a friend of mine, was not trying to do a gotcha thing. Nobody did. None of the podcast interviews with politicians are gotcha interviews. That's not what a podcast is. A podcast is a conversation between two people. You watch my interview with JD Vance, you leave it going. Oh, I know what he believes.

I have a good idea of what he's putting forward as his beliefs, and that's going to guide and shape the things he does. But, you know, it's not an interview where you're trying to embarrass somebody or call them out. And that's not what Joe was trying to do with Kamala at all. He wanted to sit there and talk with her. Now, the problem is if you don't have any deeply held beliefs, that might come out over two hours on the Jerogan experience. If you don't believe in anything except your own advancement

that might come out in two hours. There was a reason that her people told her not to do that interview. I don't know what that reason is but I can imagine they said we don't want you sitting there unscripted for two hours. We don't know what that reason is, but I can imagine they said, we don't want you sitting there unscripted for two hours. We don't know what will happen, but nobody prevented her from doing it. This is her choice. That was a campaign's choice in the same way that every comedian has a choice to do something online or not. You can do a you don't have to do a podcast nobody's prevented but I've never looked at comedians that disagree with me and say that they are less of a comic or that they are dangerous. Mark Maron

had a show on Air America for many years he had one of the most successful podcasts in the world and still does I think he's a hilarious comedian. And I don't think because me and him would disagree on things that he's less of a comedian or less of a person or whatever. You know, I don't understand where that comes from. I don't understand where that comes from. And this idea of all these podcasts, their right wing, these podcasts, And this idea of all these podcats, their right wing these podcats,

we came through a period of time where the prevailing wisdom in the comedy community was that people that didn't line up 100% with the ideology that was emanating from universities or from the larger media institutions and from the entertainment business, if you did not line up with that ideology 100%, you paid a price for it. You paid a financial price and a social price for it. And a lot of the people that were unwilling to line up with that ideology had to be on the internet. There was no other choice. Many of them didn't get work. Many of them were prevented or the things that they could do,

they didn't have an interest in doing because they didn't want to feel that they were being controlled or stymied in any way. So they wanted to be on the internet. I'm one of the people that wanted to be on the internet. I enjoy it and I have fun and I talk shit and I say what I want and people can like it or not like it, doesn't matter. But if you take away from this historic beating, this complete, you know, stunning,

I thought he would win, but not in the way that he won. Like, if your takeaway here is that somehow the rejection of everything that you believe is Theo Vans fault you're insane and you'll never win anything ever again You you have to meet people where they are You cannot always drag people to you Everyone's racist everyone's homophobic everyone's racist. Everyone's homophobic. Everyone's trans for everyone's a misogynist. Everyone hates you. How do you make it through the day? How do you get up every

day? Everyone's hating you all that is so much energy to hate you. Everyone hates you. And everybody's trying to get you and kill you every minute of the day. You're getting coffee and you got to look around because they're coming. It's deeply paranoid to believe that people care about you that much that they're sitting around their homes hating you trying to kill you or make your life harder. There are certainly people that don't like you or don't agree with you and maybe don't want you to have certain rights or maybe they don't want you to have a platform and this goes every which way and there's people that hate everybody and it's perfectly legal in America to sit around in your home not liking other people, hating them,

being jealous of them, being envious of them, wanting them to be less happy, less free. This is not a new thing. But when you talk about an election, you have to provide policies that people actually care about. You cannot run a campaign on the word joy. When people cannot afford food, you cannot run a campaign on the word joy when people cannot afford food. Do you understand that? Have you lost your fucking mind? It doesn't make any goddamn sense. Joyful work is good work and good work is joyful work

and people are going, I don't have any money You cannot bring Oprah out who's a billionaire and will I am who's rapping and then have these awkward white college kids You can like barely move trying to do it. This is not a well thought out thing But the podcast they never went on the stop it. It's embarrassing.. They never went on the podcast. Stop it. It's embarrassing. You have to have some sense of humility in this time. I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you. You have to have a sense of humility in this time. We've all been badly beaten. I've been badly beaten many times in many things.

And the way that you're supposed to handle it is to have some grace and to go, wow, we fucked that one up. Bad move. That wasn't great. That was not ideal. Lying about Biden's mental capacity and then Kamala's in and you know, she was like the least popular candidate ever. And she tried her best. By the way, I think Kamala Harris did a pretty good job. She did a pretty good job.

Really, truly for somebody who doesn't have core beliefs or any policies or any opinions. She did a good job running for president. She ran for president. You got to think about this because I'm kind of impressed by it. She ran for president with no policies, no core beliefs, and no real opinions outside of don't let them steal your joy, which is something a menopausal aunt says after she is drunk in the bag and her husband leaves her. That is something that is this is not a political statement. Don't let them steal your joy. That is something that a divorced woman says at a book club. It is not a statement of politics at all. But I thought she did a pretty good job. She did a pretty good job. She killed in the debate

and it was a close election kind of. Not really was kind of a you know the end was a close election, kind of. Not really, it was kind of a, you know, the end was a landslide, but she like, you know, she was in it, she was in it. And all these people that are like, how could this happen? Two people are running, one of them's gonna win. If Kamala Harris had won, people going, how could this happen? Because both candidates have roughly half the support of the country,

and one of them are going to win. That is not anything crazy. I have people on my Instagram going, I don't know how this happened. It happened because it had a 50% chance of happening. Are you insane? Have you lost all, you know, relationship to reality? People live in these bubbles and then they're shocked that people that don't live in these bubbles are doing things differently than they would.

And the idea that everybody hates you and that she lost because everyone's a hateful person and they spend all their time hating. No, people don't have the time for that. They're selfish. They think about themselves and their own needs. And a lot of them are broke and pissed off and they don't understand why we're sending money to the Ukraine or we're going to go to war with Iran when we do not have a thriving country here. They don't understand why the downtown of every major city

has been surrendered to homeless drug addicts. They don't get it. They don't understand that they don't understand what people that break into their cars and houses are not being put in jail. They don't understand that. They don't understand what people that break into their cars and houses are not being put in jail. They don't understand it. They don't understand why there isn't a border. None of this has anything to do with workers' rights or anything that Democrats supposedly care about. All of this is a corporate giveaway to defense contractors and multinational corporations who want to employ people and not pay them. So I don't know what the hell this has to do with any democratic platform that I've ever heard of.

You know, I understand. And the people go, if you're the trans kid thing, we're gonna, you know, if you're a parent of a trans kid, You know, if you're a parent of a trans kid, okay, I don't understand what was the only thing that has been discussed here is when a child should irreversibly transition genders trans Nobody is going to come, I don't think anyone is going to put your trans child in a workhouse like Oliver and make them eat gruel and work. I don't think anyone's going to kidnap your trans child. So this idea of like, I'm going to keep fighting for my trans shot. Okay, listen, I don't know what to tell people who cannot fathom a world in which there are going to be people who don't think it's a great idea for a confused teenager to medically alter their body. to medically alter their body. People that can't imagine those people and think they're motivated by hate only exclusively by hate. Why do you hate my child?

It's a bad idea. A lot of people think it's a bad idea. A clinic in Britain, the Tavistock Clinic closed because the people there who are performing these types of services decided it was a bad idea that there were too many people, too many children that were confused, that maybe were not genuinely trans and that were suffering from mental issues and they didn't know who was who because all of this is very new and the idea that they were going to be experimenting on children with new therapies and medication made them uncomfortable and this is a big clinic in the UK and you can look it up, they close their doors, not because they hated trans people or hated trans children, because they weren't sure what they were doing was

good. They weren't sure what they were doing was correct. And I understand that there's transphobia on the right and racism and homophobia. There's all of the things everywhere. By the way, if you go looking for the things, you find the things. If you go looking for people that hate you, you'll find people that hate you. I know that personally, if you go find them, they're there.

You know? So you can use that as a way to reaffirm your belief that everybody hates you, or you could realize that most people are not motivated by a personal beef or vendetta with you or your group. If the Democratic Party doesn't ditch identity politics and start creating a coalition of people that believe in things like economic justice

and freedom and healthcare and things like that. If they continue down this road of if you're a Southeast Asian trans person, call this number. If your gender is Z Zer, and you happen to be from Guatemala, call this number if you keep going down that road, it's not going to work. It's not going to work. And again, that's my, I think, and now listen, here's the uncomfortable thing. A lot of people I know are going to have to go to jail now. A lot of people I know, people, members of my own family, are going to have to go to prison because of what they've said about the president. That doesn't make me happy. I'm not happy

about that. But I will say this and I've said it a lot. I think prison can be a very positive thing for a lot of people. People have gotten in shape. They have found God. They have gotten degrees. Many of the people that are going have degrees anyway. That's fine. It's okay to admit that you fucked up and a great way to do it is a stint in prison. Many people, members of my own immediate family, are going to probably have to go to jail now. It's not, I don't have control over this. I'm going to try to do what I can to make sure that the cell you get and is good and the part of the prison that you are in is good. I'm going to try to do the best that I can for you. I can make no promises. I can call on your behalf.

I can send a text. But a lot of you are going to have to go to prison. It's not. I apologize for that. I apologize. Two years, five years, I think that's the terms right now that are being discussed. Some people longer, of course. But I think it will be good. It'll ultimately be good for you.

I called my aunt and I told her, I said, get ready now. She's going to have to go to jail. She said a lot of terrible things about the leader. And the leader is gracious and the leader is forgiving. But you must prove to the leader that you have atoned. And a good way to do that is to turn yourself in. I'm asking right now, I'm asking you to turn yourselves in wherever you are. If you have denigrated the leader, if you have spoken ill of the leader, social media or elsewhere, if you have called the leader names, turn yourself in. Turn yourself in now and let's not spend the money trying to find you.

Turn yourself in. Throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Now many of the comedians who have attacked the other podcasters and comedians for having on the leader and the advanced, the little leader, even though he's very tall, actually, throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Apologize now, throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Apologize now. Throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Tell them, say, I have sinned. I have sinned and I am sorry. And it may be good.

A great way to get a lighter sentence would be to inform on some of the other members of your circle who also have you know been using language that is insensitive towards the leader. I'm helping you understand? Listen, this is not a negative thing. Admitting you were wrong, turning yourself in, informing on your friends and family who are also wrong, and getting into a re-education camp immediately is a positive. It's a positive. It's positive. Learning about, having RFK teach you about raw milk and stem cells and peptides.

Having RFK, there's going to be courses in the camps, in the re-education camp. Roseanne will be teaching a course. It will be exciting for many of you. Many of you I understand are upset and I understand that. But imagine waking up in a camp

and being taught a course by Roseanne or RFK or the NELC boys or Bryce Hall. You're going to be taught. You're going to learn. You're going to be taught. You're going to learn. You're going to learn whether you like it or not. You will learn. You're going to learn. The milk that we have is poison.

There is poison milk. And what we're going to do about the milk, we're going to have raw milk for the babies. I don't understand people resisting this. I do think obviously I'm kidding kind of. But I do think that there's no energy now. There's no pussy hat march. Nobody has any energy. Even the people that are really upset are kind of faking it. You can tell they're kind of faking it. And I'm not saying you're not allowed to be upset. I've lots of friends who are very

upset and I respect them. And and their anger and rage and whatever. But you know, most people that I see are not really even they don't care that much. They're not really destroyed by it. If your status is, I don't, I can't live in this country anymore. Happy birthday, Jessica. Jessica, happy birthday. I love you, bitch. If you're thinking about Jessica's birthday, whoever that is, you're not that upset. You're not fleeing. You're not going anywhere. There's nowhere to go. There's problems everywhere. You know, people get mad at me.

How could you have that? Listen, if the country in the next four years gets destroyed, I'm not happy about that, but I'm I will personally move to Tuscany, which I've kind of been looking at anyway. I've kind of been looking at Tuscany anyway, and it would give me an excuse if we descended to some type of civil conflict. There's something about the hills of Tuscany I like it is green. And you can buy kind of something for the hills of Tuscany I like it is green. And you can buy kind of something for a couple of million.

I think, you know, it's not nothing, but it's kind of beautiful. And that's where I will go. If the country descends into a kind of a chaotic grab for resources. So I mean, it's a fair, it's fair to have that plan. Peter Thiel said, New Zealand, eh, I don't love it. But you know, it's fair to have that plan. I'm not saying you're all wrong. I don't know what's going to happen.

I have no idea what's going to happen. Nobody knows what's going to happen. I tend to think it's going to be fine. It's going to be like the 80s. People can have money. Yous, people can have money. People can have money, they're not gonna be, it's just a cultural swing. It'll swing one way and then it swings back the other way. It's a pendulum, it's a pendulum.

That's why when you rule, you have to be a little gracious as well. When you have the ball, when you have the power, you can't try to starve everybody, perhaps. So if you're running and you think you have control of all the universities and all the institutions in Hollywood, in the media, you cannot try to starve everybody and make all these enemies because that doesn't work. Well, that's not good for you. When Joe Rogan says, I think Bernie Sanders will be an interesting candidate.

And then the Hillary Clinton Elizabeth Warren wing of the Democratic Party goes and tries to systematically destroy his life. That does not work well for you. You should not do that. You should not do that when you have control of the Justice Department and you go and investigate your political enemies and then charge them with a lot of bullshit. You should not do that. That is not good. Be gracious and defeat. Be gracious and victory as well because you're not going to have the ball forever. You know, I mean, this seems like a

pretty rational stuff. You're not going to be on top forever. Nobody is, and you're not going to have power forever over the people that you have power. Things change very quickly, as you can see. Imagine waking up in a camp, drinking raw milk, and listening to the sound of Robert F. Kennedy's voice on the speaker, because the camp will have a system. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning, everybody.

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This is going to be really, really nice. I'm here in Miami. It's been it's been beautiful. People are excited. Bitcoin is high. It's the beginning of a beautiful end. Of crypto and money and opportunity. You're gonna have to be savvy, of course, to take advantage of it.

But you're not, you don't have to be depressed and angry and hateful. You can embrace the future of cryptocurrency. You can embrace the future of, I don't know how crazy and wild and Christian it's gonna get. I hope it doesn't get insane. I don't know how crazy and wild and Christian it's going to get. I hope it doesn't get insane. I don't think it will. Trump put a lot of space between himself and the really pro-life advocates that favor the

national abortion ban. Trump said he's not for that. He's going to leave it up to states. I don't think he's going to go ban birth control nationwide or anything like that. I don't know. I don't think he can. Um, but I understand people that are angry about that.

I completely understand that. I'm not minimizing that. I'm not minimizing that. But I'm just saying that doesn't, I don't think that's his main goal or focus or even a minor goal or focus or even a minor goal or focus. I think he's going to try to reignite kind of the criminal spirit of America. And we were excited about that. You know, kind of the criminal gangster spirit of America, not in a negative way, but in a positive way, in a fun way, in a fun way where you find a wallet on the ground and you take a little bit out before

you return it. That's what we need. That's what we need. We need you to find a wallet on the ground to take a little bit out and then give it back. That's the United States. And then stand there and get the accolades for returning it. Because a lot, maybe the person, you know, doesn't realize that you took 50. Take 50.

Take 50. That's the, that's why the Trump campaign won. Because Kamala was like, if you find a wallet on the ground, it's probably owned by a trans person. And you go, okay. And then Trump's like, just take 50 and bring it back. Don't steal the whole thing. and bring it back. Don't steal the whole thing. And that resonated with America. That resonates with me because you know why? Because I found it. I found it. I'm not fucking with the cards.

I'm not stealing your identity. I'm taking 50 or 20. And then I'm going to give it back to you. Okay? Kamala didn't get it. She didn't understand. She has a fundamental misunderstanding of what motivates the American people. It's not my fault. But Trump understands you if you find a wallet on the ground,

take a little bit for your trouble, take a little bit for your trouble. Turn it in. And then when they say, thank you so much for returning my wallet, go, you're welcome. And you when they say, thank you so much for returning my wallet, go, you're welcome. And you go, you're lucky I found it. You got to say that. Got to say you're lucky I found it. A lot of scum out there.

And then you take that 50. Take the 50 and sometimes they'll even hit you off. They might say, take some for your trouble. You go, no, no, no, don't worry about it. But take it. Now you got 75. That's the economy. Maybe I'm simplifying it a little bit, but that's kind of it.

That's pretty much it. That's all there is. So I don't think people should be irrationally angry about this. I know Thanksgiving's coming up. People are going to be upset. People are going to be upset. I'm going to handcuff members of my family and at gunpoint.

We are going to listen to Robert F. Kennedy's book, the real Anthony Fauci. Under their head like this at the center for disease control. I hope they let RFK loose. I hope they let RFK loose. I hope he executes the CEO of Yum brands on national television. I hope RFK uses the military to close down pizza huts because they're using fake cheese. The most interesting thing about the next four years might be letting RFK loose.

Just let him loose. Put RFK and Roseanne on a tank and let them go through the countryside. That's what we want to see. That's what we need to see. Just R.F.K. completely untethered. Go get them, Bobby, Trump says. Go get them. R.F.K. is just in the Entenmann's factory. Deporting immigrants.

Throwing pound cake on the floor. This is poison. It's poison. You're killing people here. Why are you killing people? He just goes in, he asks like a 19-year-old hostess at Chili's, why are you killing people with a triple dipper? Do you know what's in the triple

dipper? But that's, that's our country now. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's pretty fucking exciting. And I listen, get a normal person, get a Josh Shapiro, go build a Clinton machine around Josh Shapiro or something like that, as Barry Weiss said the other day. Leave the identity politics to the side. Nobody cares. Stop elevating the craziest people anyone's ever seen.

You can't, can you have a meeting over there and just say, you can't be, you know, non-binary and have green hair and be 400 pounds and be like annoying and be a communist and be a vegan and be somehow in Hamas. You have to pick one pick one, please. You have to pick, well, you can't be all of the things. People are not gonna get on board with that. People just, people don't wanna deal with it.

Stop catering to people's need to feel like they are revolutionary all the time. You're not a revolutionary, okay? You're drinking a smoothie. You're an idiot, enough. You know, I'm telling you, they have to elevate normal people, sane people, that people get it.

People go, okay, you know? And the whole thing with the Gaza thing, it's like what what it common really? Why did she pick that guy walls? If that guy was, I thought that guy was going to come and be like, get out there and that keffiyeh scarf and you know, I thought he was going to do that, but he didn't do any of that. He's like, Israel has a right to defend itself.

Then what? What's he there for? I thought she didn't pick Shapiro, she picked the guy Wallace, I'm like, all right, Wallace is going to come out. He's gonna have his wife in a Birkin, they're gonna start screaming about the Jews. He didn't even do that. I thought that's how she was gonna try to win Michigan. He didn't even do it. That idiot talked about football, but you could just

look at them and go, they're not going to be in the White House. You look at Doug Emhoff, you go, you're not going to be in the White House. You look at Doug Emhoff, you go, you're not going to be in the White House. You look at Tim Walsh, you go, you're not going to be in the White House. It's just not going to happen. Doug Emhoff, one of the strategies that the campaign had was for Doug Emhoff to eat Jewish food with Alex Edelman on on Instagram. I like Alex, but that was their strategy for the campaign is for Doug Emhoff to define Yiddish terms like for Clempt and Spilkes.

And Alex would go, what's Spilkes, Doug? And you go Spililkas. And they sit there and they eat egg salad. And they thought the truckers from Pennsylvania were going to enjoy that. They got some guy in West Virginia, or fucking Wisconsin was going to go, you know what, this is good content. This is good content. I want to watch Jews eating food. Is there any way to watch Jews eating food?

Please. That's what we need. Please. God, I want to see some Jews eating food. That was a campaign strategy. You've got Oprah up there, whose John of God, Oprah's spiritual advisor, was pop for human trafficking. P. Diddy, who was the get out the vote guy, was pop for human trafficking. And you got Oprah up there talking about if you don't vote, it'll be the last election.

You'll never be able to vote again. Where's John of God? What went on with the schools? Where's John of God? What went on with the schools? You set up a bunch of schools. I don't understand. Were the girls from the schools getting trafficked by John of God? Has anyone asked you this? Can anyone sit her down?

By the way, the future of America, every single person you've ever had respect for will end up being involved somehow in human trafficking. I don't know how this happened. Every single person you've ever had respect for, it will be human trafficking. It doesn't matter who. Doesn't matter who. It's I'm telling you, it's just either they will be human trafficking or like their best friend will be human trafficking. There's nobody who's not one or two degrees of separation away from human trafficking apparently.

So you got Oprah up there and she's saying if you don't vote, if you don't do it, you have Beyonce, you have Taylor Swift, by the way, who is like the biggest celebrity on earth. Taylor Swift is probably one of the most famous recognizable people on earth. She's texted this phone because it used to be owned by someone named Janina, who was a big donor, I guess. Maybe not a big donor, but somebody. So Taylor Swift has has as has texted me about 13,000 times about Kamala Harris. Taylor Swift is the biggest celebrity endorsement any politician can get. It didn't work. No one cared. Didn't matter. No one gave a shit. No one gave a shit about Oprah. Nobody cared about George

Clooney. Nobody cared about any of these people. Nobody cared about any of these people. Nobody cared about any of these people because people are sick of it. People are sick of it. They don't they know George Clooney doesn't get them. How stupid would you have to be to think that George Clooney had your best interest at heart. When you're waiting to get discounted food from the church, is that comforting when you're on a line to get discounted food from the church? Who Taylor Swift, a trillionaire, thinks you should vote for?

Do you think, and all these people are like, well, the women are gonna come out because of abortion. Apparently not. Apparently a more salient issue is food. Who can afford food? That's apparently more salient issue than abortion. But they're they're imagining that these women with children and a husband who are waiting in line in a food bank are getting a text from Taylor Swift and these women go, God, I wanna feed my kids, but what I really wanna do right now is have an abortion. I just wanna have an abortion, I'm hungry.

Mommy, we're hungry, shut up! I wanna have an abortion! We're hungry. Shut up. I want to have an abortion. I've been in this. I've been in traffic for half hour. Mommy, we're hungry. Why are the interest rates so high?

I imagine they're very smart, the kids. Why are the rates so high? Shut up. Your mother just got a text from Taylor Swift and Taylor made a good point and now I'm going down to the clinic I want an abortion That's all I care about is abortion. I want an abortion Mommy We just want waffles waffles are $40, but an abortion is free

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And you have to protect yourself and your family, your data, your information from Express VPN, which is why I never go online with that Express VPN, I never do it. And if you do it, you're you're you're a risk taker, and not a good risk. Some risks are good, you know, you know, swim in the ocean and you go, okay, I could be eaten by a shark, but I like waves and the salt water is good for my skin. However, when you go online that ExpressVPN, oh, my son was kidnapped in Starbucks. Was that nice? That wasn't nice. You go home, you tell your wife, hey, my son got kidnapped in Starbucks. Why? Well, I went on and I wasn't on ExpressVPN. she's gonna go, what is wrong with you, you goof.

Going online without ExpressVPN is like putting all your passwords and credit card numbers on a huge billboard for the whole world to see. Who would do that? It's stupid. Go to ExpressVPN, okay? And by the way, everyone loves Express VPN. Because it's encrypted. That's what Taylor Swift imagines going on out there. That there are these women and they're they're trying to feed their kids. And their hours have been cut at work. And their ability, they don't have health and they're working class people and they maybe don't have a college degree because those are fucking worthless now anyway. And by the way, all these Democrats going like, well, you know, the college educated people voted for Kamala and the uncollege educated people voted for Trump. And it's like, well, that's a great way to win support. That's a great way to win support. That's a great way to win support. And by the way, I have a lot of people in my family that have graduated college and I've never seen them at the Rolls Royce dealership.

And I've never seen them anywhere. So not to be a cunt about it, but shut the fuck up. No one gives a shit about your liberal arts degree. Faggot. No one cares. Okay, you're a broke ho. You live in a little box in Brooklyn, you a broke ho. Understand me? You're a broke ho. So don't know we don't give it. There's a producer here says sweet guys like, what is but I will say this. But it's true. You can't brag about having a college degree. It's not 2004. Okay. No one cares if you have a college degree. Bad baby is a bank. The woman who's threatened her mother on Dr. Phil is a bank. She made 80 bill on the fans or 80 mill on OnlyFans. But the point is, and I'm not saying go on only fancy can push out, which I don't even know if she does. We're off track. The point is this. Don't brag about having a college degree does not make you intelligent. Some of the dumbest people I know have graduated

college. What does college prove? You can go get drunk for four years. You scumbag. What does it prove? for four years you scumbag what does it prove doesn't mean anything it proves you can go to some assembly where a lesbian who got shot in iraq talks who cares i'm bored no one cares you went to college anymore you people are clinging to status symbols it to have it mattered in 20 years. You're educated. The hell are these people educated about? So here's what I'm saying. And I'm just saying this and I'm being, I think, positive. I'm saying you have to stop condescending to people. You have to stop talking down to them.

You have to keep stop telling them their concerns about the country are invalid. You have to stop thinking that you're better because you happen to go to fucking a college for four years and get a fucking degree who gives a shit. And that makes you smarter than anyone or better than anyone. Think that makes you a better person. Because you're this Marmy and you're some pseudo intellectual who thought nothing about anything. You don't know anything about how the country's run you more on what do you if you did, you

wouldn't have gotten wallop the way you did. You just lost. So take some time to lick your wounds, drink some raw milk, listen to Roseanne, listen to RFK, they will lead the way. Learn to love yourself. Sit ups in the morning, push ups at night. When you are laying there on your little mat and you're looking up at the cell, be grateful, be gracious, be humble. Don't be angry. I know a lot of people who have gone to prison, they've emerged truly amazing people. And when the sentence is over, because it will end everything ends. And you will walk out, and you'll be let out back into general population.

And you taste that fresh air. And you see that blue sky. And you're that fresh air and you see that blue sky and you're tempted to take your grubby little mitts and grab your phone and say something. Just remember, remember that little room where you learned to be a good person. I'm kidding. Of course. It's a joke. Many of you will be angry. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not the Yvonne's fault.

It's not Andrew Schultz's fault or Joe Rogan or the Nelk boys or Aidan Ross or anything or busting with the boys. I don't really know what that is, but I know it's huge, but it's nobody's fault. It's not Dana White's fault. It's not RFK's fault. It's not anybody's fault. It is your fault. It is your fault.

It is your fault because you suck. That's why it happened. Because you were condescending, you were dismissive, you were rude. You thought that you were gonna compel people to agree with you by abusing them, denigrating them, starving them, making them desperate, making them fearful. You made the enemies.

You did it. No one else did it. You did it. You did it. Understand? So now you have to live with it and you have to figure out how to not do it again or you keep doing it. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me.

It doesn't matter to me. But it is a completely crazy way to process this. And any comedian that's angry that other comedians had a politician on that they don't agree with, get to work. Get to fucking work and do your fucking job. It's a hard job. Go and get attention. Go and have people give a shit about what you're doing and stop taking it out on those of us who figured out a way to do that. It's not our fault.

It is not our fault. Everything is available. The sky's the limit. The internet's big. There's a lot of room for you. Do you work? Do you do anything? Or do you get high all day and shake your fist and go, are you angry? Okay. It's fine. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Get to work. All these people that are angry, that are pissed off, get to work. Go start your own Joe Rogan experience. Good luck. Stop being a cunt about it. Inform on your friends and family and put them in jail.

If you want to figure out how to get through the next four years, inform on your friends and family right now and put them in prison. Put them in a reeducation camp. Tell us where we can find them. Not us, not me, but you know, I can pass a message along perhaps. That's the way to do this. It's the only way to do it. The only way to do it is to figure out who the problems are and give them a chance to say they're sorry. But it's not my fault. It's nobody's fault. It's your fault. It's always your fault when you lose. Really, for the most part, you haven't communicated. You haven't provided something that people care about. It's no one's fault but yours. You could get mad. You haven't provided something that people care about.

It's no one's fault but yours. You could get mad. And all the people that are so mad at Rogan are also texting me going, can I perform at the mothership? Who's the Booker at the mothership? Can I talk to the Booker at the mothership? Can you all of these people that are publicly angry are privately desperate? And they're privately texting and going, can I perform here? Can I do the, oh, there's so many right wing people in common. Do you know the book?

Can I get the number of the book or I'm going to be in all there are so many demonic fascist. I'm going to be in Austin in January. Is there a way that I could perform the fascist have taken over? Is there someone I could email or send a tape to stop? We all know it's in bat. We're all embarrassed. Inform on your friends and family now. Inform on your friends and family now. But it's not going to be bad. Like you think I I've heard the jails are going to be fun. That's what I've heard and I believe it.

And let me quote someone who I like but I think we don't, we won't hear from much anymore. When you're in the camp and there will be physical punishments in the camp because When you're in the camp, and there will be physical punishments in the camp because because obviously people are there is going to be fighting. It's jail. Still jail. Still jail. And there will be programs where you can work to get a lighter sentence from what I've heard. Building casinos or buildings. you might be building buildings. How cool is that? You used to be an editor of a magazine

and now you build buildings. Pretty cool, I think so. And as you are out there and you're working with your hands and you're building buildings, you're doing construction, I want you to remember this quote that I've always found very instructive. Hard work is joyful work. Doesn't that sound nice?

Hard work is joyful work. And as you sit in that cell, and as you look at that bleak kind of, because you're not all gonna be nice, and it's a little bleak, and as you look at that bleak kind of, you know, because you're not all going to be nice. And it's a little bleak. And as you look at the concrete, I want you to let them I want you to go. Don't let them steal your joy. Don't let them steal your joy.

They can't they can't take it from you. So that's it. Again, I don't think it's a big deal. I think we're going to have, it's gonna be fine. I think if you are angry and upset about this election, you're going to rebound and you're going to be fine. I think the biggest adjustment for you will be to the life in a reeducation camp or prison. But I don't think that's going

to completely destroy your thing. I think it'll be fine. I think it'll be fine. I think it'll be fine. So I leave you with a few words of wisdom and form on your friends and family members now. Let everyone know where they are. And be gracious. Be gracious in defeat, be gracious.

There's nothing, we didn't talk about much. I thought we were gonna talk about more. We have articles, who cares? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. This was a PSA. This is a public service announcement to everybody who was angry about this election and inform on your friends and family now.

It's not, this is something, and I want people to feel better about this. We're helping them. They're being helped. They're being helped. Okay. They're being helped. They're being helped. Okay, they're being helped. Um, so what I will tell you is this positive thinking. Huge. If you're upset, we will list all that the hotlines and the helplines that you can call but the most important hotline if you're upset. The most important hotline is not the suicide hotline. It is the

hotline to inform on your friends and family members right now. Get ahead of it. Good luck.