The Tim Dillon Show - 420 - CEO Assassinations & Christmas In New York

Episode Date: December 7, 2024

Tim examines holiday luck, good bets, the United Healthcare CEO, the snacking industry’s optimism, Hunter Biden’s pardon, a dictator’s DJ daughter and the president’s latest nap.  American Royalty Tour 🎟 https://punchup.live/TimDillon SPONSORS: Omaha Steaks Our listeners get an extra thirty dollars off with Promo Code TIM and a thirty-dollar reward card when you shop early. That’s fifty percent off at a Ibotta Just go to the App Store or Google Play store and download the FREE Ibotta app to start earning cash back and use code TIM. Thats I B O T T A in the Google Play or App Store and use code TIM Gametime: Get The Gametime App & Use Code: 'TIM' Blue Chew BlueChew.com & Use Code: ‘TIM’ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. Happy Christmas Happy Hanukkah Happy Kwanzaa. This is the time for Ramadan and this is the winter solstice This is the season of all the holidays. I think this is Ramadan this is all of the holidays and it is a season of giving a Season of really reflecting on the things we have and And I'm serious. I don't usually I'm not usually serious on this but often I am

Much of what you think is a joke is actually serious and much of what you think is serious is actually a joke. It's the great irony of the program. You'll never know which is which. I'll be long gone before you can figure it out. Historians will devote lots of paper and pen, ink or cyber, you know, whatever clicks to what went on here in the studio the past seven years, but It is time during the holidays to reflect on family right and To reflect on how lucky we are even if we're not lucky Even if we're not lucky

We are lucky The United Healthcare CEO is lucky, was lucky. He died doing what he loved, standing outside a Manhattan hotel, getting ready to speak to the troops, to rev up the troops. He died doing what he loved, standing outside of a Manhattan hotel at 6 a.m. getting ready to rev up the troops. He had a call.

I believe he had some investment call or something. He died doing what he loved. How lucky is he? No, seriously, how lucky is he? I think it's time to think about the holidays in a different way. It's too materialistic. It's disgusting. The stores and the toys and the crap. We got too much crap in the country. The United Healthcare CEO is lucky. He died doing what he loved. He died a soldier in the war of healthcare, which is a war.

Healthcare is a war between sick people and insurance companies. It's a war. Sick people are very selfish. Have you met any of them? They never stop. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Chemo, chemo, chemo, I have no hair.

And you have men like this man, Brian Thompson, who's the CEO of United Health Care, a great company and their job, their job, and let's not get it twisted, is to decide which sick people are a good bet? Who's a good bet, who's a bad bet? Some people win, some people lose. And Brian Thompson and UnitedHealthcare, and like Blue Cross, Blue Shield, or whatever. His job is to decide who's a good bet. Who we, who's our money on? who we putting our money on in the ward. Who's the money going on? Okay, can't put it all

on black. Gotta figure out a strategy. I don't know why he was killed. I know that he died doing what he loved and I know that that's not nothing and there's something beautiful about working till the very end of your life. The last thought that went through his head was money and work. He was murdered by a gunman in a hoodie in front of a hotel during an investor conference. Denied, defend and depose were written on the shell casings found at the scene. The killer was smiling at Starbucks before the shooting. The killer was elated. He was happy. He very much wanted to kill this man. He knew the door outside of the hotel that he would be waiting

The killer shared a room in a hostel with a few men see the killer getting a coffee smiling do a close-up on that This is whether you like it or not an American holiday story it is It may not be the ones you grew up with not an American holiday story. It is. It may not be the ones you grew up with. It may not be the ones, but in America, the Grinch doesn't necessarily have a change of heart. He gets shot outside of a hotel in Manhattan.

It's a holiday story in America. There's something nice about the smell of a Starbucks in the holidays. I don't know what it is. I don't know. Why is it so nice? Why does Starbucks hit differently in December than it hits in July? I don't know. Close up on that man's face again. Look how happy he is the smell of coffee in Starbucks the hustle the bustle of Manhattan the gun in your pocket a story Unfolding no one knows a

little smirk a smile a little smirk a Smile happiness. It's the holidays. It's a special time in America in New York City Have you ever been? Have you ever gotten shot in the head in New York City during the holidays? Outside of a hotel where you're about to have an investor conference at 6 a.m. Still dark, still mysterious, still magical.

Have you ever the lights to Christmas lights are still beautifully punctuating the blackness of the night as you take your last breath outside of the investor conference. A man in a hoodie and a backpack. I'm rewatching The Sopranos. What a great line. Backela to Tony. I bet you don't even see it coming I Bet you don't even see it coming The Sopranos that great episode when they're on the lake. I

Don't know anything about Brian Thompson, can we play the shooting? Can we play it and the but but wait a minute before you do before you do I want you to find okay I want you to find non copyright because this is my theme I will not pretend I will be festive. I want you to find some non-copyrighted Christmas music. I'm sorry if anyone's offended by that. I'm sorry to the Jews that listen, if you're offended to that, you've done well enough.

I would like some Christmas music as we watch the execution of the CEO of the United Healthcare Company and again I'm not I don't know much about the case is there anything to know what is there to know I read something on X about Nancy Pelosi in a congressional investigation and I don't know what happened or who did what or why. I'll read you that tweet in a minute. But more importantly, this is a fable, but it's real people, it's a holiday story.

It's a story about the unknown, about the unknowable. It's kind of magical. And I'm not, again, I'm not making light of this man's death. I don't know this man But I know he died doing what he loved and I know that He died participating in the world Okay I'm sure maybe many of his family or friends are watching this or someone sending it to them and they feel They feel upset about it.

They don't like that I'm turning this into sort of a Christmas thing, but it is. So let's watch the news story about this for the people that don't know about it, by the way. For the people that don't know about this, here it is. Let's just take a moment. It's Christmas in New York and everyone sits by the fire.

We're killing CEOs of healthcare companies. It's Christmas in New York. It's Christmas in New York. Men in hoodies are shooting their enemies. It's Christmas in New York. The kids are throwing snowballs. People are throwing bullets. People are ice skating in Central Park.

People are getting shot at point blank range in the dark It's Christmas in New York Have a coffee and kill Have a coffee and kill Have a coffee and kill your enemies No one really cares. No one really cares. All right, enough of that.

Let's watch the, I hope that's a classic. Who does that hallmark? I wanna get on that now this is what we call music and it's that and it's the song I did about the that Eden galan that that's the eurovision israel palestine song I did but Let's watch a news. Can we watch a little bit of the cbs news on this because a lot of people don't know about this Remember that movie john q where the guy you know Denzel Washington's like

you denied my son an operation then he takes everybody hostage? People are thinking that's what this is. That for whatever reason someone has made a political stance to kill the CEO of a healthcare company. And by the way let me say this right now I never support random acts of violence. I don't think they are a good way to change policy. That's not something that we support on the show. I was against it when during 2020, there were riots and people's businesses

were getting burned down and people were losing their livelihoods. I believe that you cannot just lash out violently and kill people, but it is Christmas and people get emotional during the holidays. This is true. The holidays will bring it out of you. I was in the 9-Eleven store. What is that thing,

that horrific thing they open downtown that looks like angel wings? It's a nightmare. It's whatever it is. That mall, the 9-Eleven mall, I was in that mall and I was trying to get my phone screens cracked and I was in the Apple store and you know those people. And you know they're like it's going to take hours. And I'm like, well, fuck it then. And they go, well, there's an Apple store on Fifth Avenue that's open 24 hours a day. And what am I going to stand there at 2 o'clock in the morning while they fix a cracked phone screen?

Like, it's insane. But I became emotional. And I'm not technically, you know, I'm not a terribly emotional person. You know, I can't be to do what I do. I must trudge technically, you know, I'm not a terribly emotional person, you know, I can't be to do what I do. I must trudge on, you know. I have friends that fall apart all the time. I'm not saying that I don't get emotional. The last time I was really emotional, I was denied a midnight mass because I didn't have a ticket. And I saw everybody going in with their mink coats. I saw how wealthy they all were.

And I kind of shed a tear just at how proud I was of this kind of, you know, experience that all these wealthy people were having in St. Patrick's and how beautiful it was and how sad it was that I wasn't involved, but how beautiful it was that it was happening. And I shed like a tear. But I was emotional in this 9-11 mall

because I, you know, because of the holiday, and you start thinking about the holidays. And you start thinking about being on this planet and how wild it is that you're even here. No matter what you're doing, I'm looking at people scooping gelato. They're not happy that they're doing that. Maybe they are, but maybe the other parts of their life are phenomenal. But I'm looking at everybody and I go, we're all here. Yes, it's disgusting. The angel wing Mall is terrible. Yes, it's the mass grave, technically.

Yes, I'm in an Apple store and they can't fix the phone screen. Yes, it's crowded. Yes, it's, you know, there's too much happening. Yes, that Venezuelan gang, I believe, is standing by the subway. I can't, I don't know particularly. I don't really know, but I think it is them.

And they are looking at me. I don't know if they know that I really know, but I think it is them. And they are looking at me. I don't know if they know that I know that they know. You know what I mean? Yes, there's all these problems, but really we are all here together. How many of these do we get? No one knows. There's something beautiful and magical about the holidays

and it makes you emotional. And I am against random acts of violence. I am against people killing other people, even if they feel they are justified, even if they feel they are justified. But it's the holidays, and people get in their feelings during the holidays. And people are very mad at the healthcare companies

in our country. They're not happy. And I'm not saying it's good to do this. I don't analyze things often, good and bad and good and evil are, I don't wanna say they're above my pay grade, but they're certainly not helpful for the context that I put things in on this

program. It doesn't advance the discussion to just say this was a bad thing. It doesn't advance the discussion to just say it was not good to shoot someone at point-blank range when they're outside of an investor conference. It doesn't mean anything. It already happened. That's number one. And I'm not, there's no one listening to this show,

I don't think that's on the fence about doing something like that. I'm trying to put this in a context of a Christmas story. Okay, because it is, it is actually, it will come to define the holidays in New York in kind of an interesting way. And maybe, dare I say a beautiful way About how precious life is how do we spend our time on this planet? Really and and and

My friend texted me early in the morning. Did you see this? Oh my god, New York is back People are texting me people were excited people going what's on? People in hoodies shooting people point blank range outside of the hotel at 6 a.m. I wouldn't have done it, I don't get up early. But I'm saying that it has come to define the holidays in New York more than any other story. Let's watch a little bit of it please on CBS. Officials that the words deny, defend and depose were written on the shell casings

recovered right here behind us where the shooting took place. Investigators are now examining whether or not those words point to a motive related to insurance companies responses to those claims. They do, I think. Surveillance video captures the brazen targeted attack on United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson. Wednesday morning, we froze the video before the masked man with a gun and silencer shoots the 50 year old father of two in the back and leg, then calmly jogs across the street and plain view of witnesses. One snapped this photo. I was holding my phone, then I hear the shot.

And when I looked at the guy, it was a gun. It was a silent gun. Thompson was heading to the Hilton Hotel in Midtown to address investors at a United Health Care conference. The NYPD is working with authorities in Minnesota, where Thompson is from, to identify any specific threats against him. Police sources say detectives have uncovered rantings directed at the company, where Thompson is from to identify any specific threats against him. Police sources say detectives have uncovered rantings directed at the company, but no threats to his personal safety. Many people passed the suspect, but he appeared to wait for his intended target.

Every indication is that this was a premeditated, preplanned, targeted attack. Of course it was investigators believe the suspect hit on a bike and rode to central. How dumb are they? Video obtained by CBS News then appears to show him leaving the park on West 85th street about 15 minutes after the shooting. What we're looking at is a gunman who was thoughtful and prepared, staked out the scene, began by shooting the person in the back. Police say the suspect planned carefully, but not perfectly, going to a nearby Starbucks minutes before the shooting. Sources say surveillance images there may have captured enough of his face to run through

facial recognition. The full investigative efforts of the New York City Police Department are well underway and we will not rest until we identify and apprehend the shooter in this case. Police sources say investigators are conducting forensic tests on a water bottle and candy bar wrapper that was found at the Starbucks. They believe the suspect was that right before the shooting. They also are processing a cell phone that was discarded. By the way, it's a great, we'll get rid of it. It's a great commercial for Starbucks. It is.

The fact that you're gonna go shoot a CEO in the head and before you do, you can't do it without a Starbucks is a great commercial. It is a great commercial. It is a great commercial. If we're going to talk about brand awareness, how much free advertising is Starbucks getting from this? What a viral campaign. How brilliant. At a Starbucks, he went to a Starbucks, he was grinning at a Starbucks. He left DNA at a water bottle in a Starbucks. Not that Starbucks needs any help, but God, this is such a great... You think the people at Dunkin' Donuts are pissed he wasn't there? No one goes to Dunkin' Donuts before they kill anyone.

Dunkin' Donuts is where you go after you've killed someone, after you've killed yourself. Starbucks is still the premier coffee chain in America, and it's great advertising to be mentioned in this. And that's the way they think. Do not think for a minute, do not think for a minute that there are not executives at Starbucks that are kind of happy.

Now let me tell you what else is going to happen right now. CEOs of companies are now on notice. This is the way psychology works. If you are the CEO of a company and you do something controversial, if your company is healthcare. Those CEOs right now are terrified. They're absolutely terrified. They're hiring private security.

I'm telling you they are some of them are, you know, not going into an office. Some of them are and I'm telling you because this will not be the end of this. This will not be, I believe this is a harbinger of things to come. Vigilante justice, and I'm not saying it's justice. I'm saying people feeling that voting doesn't work. People feeling that the democratic process does not serve them.

People feeling that they are powerless, yet they have access to weapons. Many of them are mentally unwell. They're going to go after people. The internet has enabled people to be more knowledgeable now about who the CEOs of these companies are. Some of those CEOs of companies listen to this show. I guarantee you those people are taking extra precautions right now. This, I do not believe, will be a one and done. And I'm not saying there'll be copycats immediately. I'm saying as a trend, as a trend, identifying people in corporate America who you feel have in some way acted against the public interest and eliminating those

people. And again, I'm not, we're not saying this is a good thing. We're telling you what we believe will happen. I don't believe this will be the last time you see this. I think that this is probably something that could continue because people feel that they are powerless, especially in the world of healthcare. When they have seen operations and treatments be denied,

when they have watched family members get killed by potentially preventable diseases, when they have seen the stress, people that go bankrupt because of healthcare often end up addicted to drugs, they end up killing themselves, this destroys families. People see that, they watch it, and they don't feel in any way that they can change anything, so they act it, but what I'm saying is this will not, I don't

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The people, and I'm not kidding about this, that make Uncrustables and Twinkies are saying fuck you to Ozempic and fuck you to RFK The people behind the uncrustable which is the Peanut butter and jelly sandwich that you can buy at 7-eleven without a crust if you if you don't know what that is There it is These things are tasty. It's It's a little pocket of white bread, peanut butter jelly, it's all sugar. They press the edges very nicely with some type of iron. Now, the people that make these, okay, go up here and make this a little bigger so I can read this. The makings of weight loss drugs, the makers of weight loss drugs and RFK Jr. are both

pushing for Americans to change their diets, but the owner of Twinkies and Uncrustables is predicting that nothing will be able to stop America's insatiable hunger for snacks. You want to talk about a super villain? and I'm not saying to assassinate him Do not do not it would be funny if you dumped a vat of chocolate on him This is the quote as it relates to anything in the political domain We believe very strongly that snacking continues JM smucker Is that snacking continues. J.M. Smucker is life real. J.M. Smucker, CEO Mark Smucker, said on an earnings call with Analyst Tuesday, consumers are going, this is what

he says, he goes, consumers are going to continue to look for a way to reward themselves at different times throughout the day Mark Smucker the CEO of big Sandwich big peanut butter and jelly and Twinkies and by the way the kind of fat you have to be to eat Twinkies to buy Twinkies to publicly purchase Twinkies all the things you can do To get to become a fatty boom baddie to buy the most cartoonish

And the Twinkie is not good. It's just corn syrupy bread and really sweet Frosting inside. It's really not great. There's many better things to get fat on in this country than fucking twinkies. But the CEO Mark Smucker, whose entire life has been poisoning children. Has told analysts on a phone call, don't worry about it, these fatties will never stop. That's what he's saying. These pigs will never leave the trough.

They will never stop. You can inject them, you can shoot them up. RFK can go in there and fucking do whatever he wants. He can fucking put on warning labels. They can try to, you know, dissuade people. They can come up with campaigns. The food giant's answer came in response to an analyst question about whether Kennedy's Make America Healthy. Again, agenda could hurt the company.

So understand and be very clear about it. These conglomerates cannot, I'm talking about everything from the cheesecake factory to Twinkies. Everything that we eat for the most part is directly in the scope of RFK and this new program to make America healthy. All of these people feel it. They are panicking. They are panicking. Their bread and butter, literally, is fat

Americans, poisoned American children, fat children specifically who grow up to be fatty boom baddies, but fat little toddlers, little bowling balls, going down the halls of American grocery stores are the bread and butter of these companies. They need fat little children addicted to sugar. They need Augustus Gloop from Willy Wonka. They want everybody to be Violet Beauregard when she's the blueberry.

They want fat people immobilized. Piggies, they want people on oxygen machines. Now they will never admit it. They do not say that, but their job is to create snacks that addict, have you seen children lately? By the way, have you seen them? They are, they have the bodies of divorced dads, children. They have, I don't wanna to let's not pick on him I don't want to pick on him. I like the Rizzo, but but this is what I mean

It's like children and what am I here Navy SEAL? I'm not but I'm saying when I was eight. I did not look like this children now are little bowling balls, children, and they're addicts. They're addicted to sugar. They are addicted. And RFK, this is the thing, by the way, people don't like his stance on vaccines maybe, or they argue with him about raw milk, everybody, even his biggest detractors are on board with the fact that we have a poisoned food supply and that children are being,

you know, basically poisoned and destroyed at a very young age. And Kennedy has said that there are chemical poisons in chips, gummy bears, and other popular snacks. Kennedy takes a much more hostile view of food companies than previous administrations. So Marion Nestle, I don't even know who these people are. I mean, this is hilarious, by the way. These are all evil people, by the way. The food industry ought to be quaking in its boots,

but they don't think it's gonna happen. Marion Nestle, a leading authority in nutrition and food policy at New York University, said, wait a minute, this person has the same name as the food conglomerate, and they're an authority on nutrition and food policy? Interesting. That seems a bit suspect. Smucker believes that its food brand's appeal and Americans craving for snacks will outweigh

any changes Kennedy may bring. Around half of Americans see they eat three or four more snacks a day. Smoker said it has also not seen any material impact to its business from the growth of the GLP-1 medications millions of people are now using for weight loss. It is a fight. It is a fight and they will not roll over these people, okay? And neither will their consumers, neither will the clients because they can't but these Companies are not going

To stop unless they are fully either broken up or Like attacked they have to be, these fucking people have to be exposed for what they're doing in the same way that Marlboro got exposed and all of these Philip Morris, it has to be treated like that. We, they have to do that type of expose on these food companies. And they have to be hauled before Congress.

They have to be made to answer. And then if Americans are still hell bent on feeding their children this shit, well, there's nothing that you can do about it. But right now, this CEO, and by the way, now you're gonna see these CEOs since this guy got popped in the head, they're gonna quiet the fuck down.

I'm telling you right now, CEOs in this country are about to get quiet. They're about to get quiet. It's about to be a quiet holiday for the CEOs in this country. They're gonna pipe the fuck down. I'm telling you, if I was a CEO and I wanted to run my mouth, you know,

I would just chill, take a beat, quiet down. What he should be saying on that earnings call is that we are excited about this. We're excited that our country is getting healthier and we wanna play a pivotal role in this but they can't because they're drug dealers and they're poison manufacturers and I'll tell you this right now they got I guarantee he might have been less this is gonna reverberate this CEO getting popped in the head because these people don't respect anything, but, and then by the way, this is gonna sound, you know,

whatever, but these CEOs don't really respect, they don't fear the government. They buy senators and congressmen, they don't really fear reprisals from the people, but I will, shot at point blank range while standing outside of a hotel is going to make some of these people a little nervous is spent depending on what industry they're in. I'm telling you, I am, I am telling you. And I wanna talk now about the CEO of America for the next few weeks, Joe Biden,

because I think there's confusion. And there always is, there often is. People are angry at President Biden for pardoning his crackhead son. You got to think about it from Joe Biden's perspective. Joe Biden has dementia. He's barely coherent. It probably has to be explained to him that he has a son.

Then it has to be explained to him that his son is a crackhead. Then it has to be explained to him that his son has problems with gun charges, unpaid taxes, and that he was fucking around in the Ukraine and selling, most likely, access to Biden when he was the vice president. And it has to be explained to him that at one time he was the vice president and now he's the actual president. All of these things have to be explained to him in an afternoon. Then it has to be explained to him that he can actually pardon his son so that his son will not have to go through any other legal problem. Biden is angry. He owes nothing to anybody. Biden is a career politician. There's fuckery in the Ukraine. We all know it.

We don't know exactly what shape it takes. Trump was impeached for trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Hunter's laptop has photos of this guy smoking crack and fucking hookers with guns to their head. And Biden has a chance to make this go away. And he does. That's what family is for. And if you're a family values guy, if you're a family values guy,

you gotta respect a man for pardoning his crackhead son. You respect him. That's his son. That's my son. The other one died of brain cancer because he was in a burn pit in the war. This is the only son I've got left. And yes, he's a crackhead. And yes, he fucks hookers with guns to their head and takes photos of it and puts it on a laptop

that he then turns in to get fixed and then it all leaks out into the press and it's embarrassing. Yes, but he's my son. And yes, he probably did cocaine at the White House. He's my son. He's my son and he's of course, maybe he's cracked a few women across the face.

You know what a crack argument is like? You know what it's like when you're arguing with a hooker on crack? Okay? Standards and practices go out the window. When you're arguing with a Ukrainian whore on crack, you can't be held responsible for what you do. No one's at their best when they're fucking a Ukrainian whore with a gun in their head. That's not how any of us should be judged. None of us should be judged like that None of us should be judged while we're fucking Ukrainian whores with guns in their head whilst on crack We should be judged by our paintings or the nice things we say We shouldn't be judged for our shady business dealings with Burisma, an energy company we

had no business working for. That's not how we should be judged. We shouldn't be judged when we do a little, when we toot a little cocaine in the White House because it's boring. Government's boring. We shouldn't be judged by that. We should be judged by the nice things we do. He's a painter.

Look at the paintings. And of course, if you had the chance to make this go away, if you know Trump's getting in there, Trump's gonna start to look at all of the things, all of the lawsuits, lawfare, indictments pursued, all of the Russiagate stuff, maybe the assassination. Trump's going to look into the weaponization or what he feels or perceives as the weaponization of the Justice Department against him. He's going to look at the prior administration's behavior and activity.

If Biden can get rid of the problems that his son has, he's going to do it. And he did it. He owes nobody anything. He's dead. Biden's elderly and dead. He barely knows where he is. He hates the Democratic Party. He's just trying to shield his only crackhead son from retribution. He knows there was fuckery. His son was let loose in the Ukraine. God only knows what Hunter Biden was doing in the Ukraine when he was working for that energy company.

God only knows what he was up to. Can you imagine bumping into Hunter Biden in Kiev when his father was the vice president what he was offering, what was on the table? He was a crackhead. Do you know what he was offering people with the access he was, my father's the vice president. He was calling drug dealers and threatening them going my father is the vice president. If you are not in this hotel with rock in an hour I'm going to have you killed. There's no way he was conducting himself in a

reasonable manner. There's no way. I was a junkie. I know what it's like. There's no way. I was a junkie. I know what it's like. There's no way when that guy's in the Ukraine banging hookers with guns to their head, because how can you get off otherwise, and he's smoking crack, he's not promising people all kinds of access to his father, and probably more. There's definitely other shit good. There's no way Can you imagine?

Hunter while in the Ukraine on crack uttering the words. Well, that wouldn't be appropriate Well, I could get you in touch with my fault, but that wouldn't be appropriate That's not what there's no way It was hunter unleashed But what there's no way it was Hunter unleashed. He's running around that country on crack. There's no way he was following any type of protocol for the son of a sitting vice president. It's impossible. That's not the way crack heads operate.

Have you seen a crack head? Have you ever seen a crackhead? I'm not saying you've had to be a crackhead. I've never been a crackhead per se, but I've been a drug addict I've been a cokehead. I've been and if I was in the Ukraine and my father was vice president I would have been Wild and that's what he was There's no way there's not a trail. And no one believes that laptop story.

He just left it. What did he turn it into? The Geek Squad? It's some type of blackmail. He ran afoul of somebody. We don't know. Is it the Massad? Is it our people?

We don't know. There's a faction of someone that didn't like. There's no way he turned in a laptop to get repaired That just so happened to have every still photo and video he's ever taken of Every crime he's ever committed this guy was in deep. There's no way if

You had known that guy in the Ukraine when he was working there, when he was taking trips there, you would have been like, this guy is out of his mind. That guy's a nut. Can you imagine you're working in this energy company in the Ukraine and then he walks in, he's got like raccoon eyes, black circles under his eyes, he's promising everybody they can stay in the Lincoln bedroom. They can meet his dad. They can meet Obama. There's no way he was not breaking laws.

There's no way. And we know about some of the laws he's broken. The guns, the taxes, we know about that. But we don't even know the real shit. What was this guy doing over there? Let's take a little, let's take a little, a little look here at the fallout from the pardon. People are angry at it, but it makes sense to me.

Who does Biden, Biden doesn't give a shit about the country. The country turned their back on Biden just because he didn't know who he was. Good evening, I'm Nora O'Donnell, and we begin with a lot of news here in Washington and the fallout from President Biden's decision to grant a sweeping pardon for his son. Hunter Biden was-

Now, by the way, stop it for a minute. He's pardoned this motherfucker for everything. Things that they don't even know that this one did. Look at that face of this one. Biden issued this blanket pardon going, if you find out this motherfucker disemboweled a hoe, he's fine. That's my boy.

From now on, a felony gun conviction in Delaware and then on separate tax charges in California days later. Republicans and some Democrats are criticizing the president's decision after he previously said many times that he would not pardon his son. President-elect Donald Trump pounced on the move, calling it an abuse and miscarriage of justice, and hinted that he

plans to pardon those convicted of the assault at the U.S. Capitol building in 2021. President Biden contends that his son was targeted for political reasons. But today, the special counsel who investigated Hunter Biden

said there's no evidence of vindictive or selective prosecution of the president's son. CBS's Ed O'Keefe has more details and reaction tonight on the pardoning of Hunter Biden. For a second, let's just think about this. If you or me or anyone we knew behaved in any manner, the way this guy behaved, we would be in jail right now. We'd be in jail right now. We'd be in jail now

This idea that it's a vindictive political Persecution of his son is insane It's completely insane His son is a problem His son is a pro if you lived on the street with a guy Random guy and he was telling you about his son and he was describing Hunters activities he would end it by going my son's a problem That's what he'd say. I've spoken to people that say shit like this they go my kids a problem. Let's be honest

Let's call a spade a spade guns Taxes, my kid's a problem. Let's be honest. Let's call a spade a spade. Guns, taxes, whores, he's a problem. It's not to, it's not to, you wouldn't describe Hunter's activity. Let's say you're at a block party and you're talking to your buddy up the block and his son's a lunatic and he tells you, well, my son went over to the Ukraine he got deep into crack and whore some shady financial dealings And he got a gun charge and some back taxes The next line out of that guy's mouth wouldn't be you know, the authorities are real vindictive with my son My son's really being persecuted. You know, he's basically a good kid. Oh Oh, it's not the way it worked. My son's basically a good kid. It's just this laptop came out.

There's a bunch of videos of him fucking whores with guns in their head while he was smoking crack. And there's just, you know, but at the end of the day, he's a good kid. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's had some problems. He's had some issues.

That's what they tried. They've tried to make Hunter Biden into like the guy who gets addicted to pain pills because he had a back problem or whatever. They're trying to make it like, well, he drank a little too much. They've tried to make this into like have compassion for addicts. And I'm an addict. This is not that. This is not that. This is a guy who's been a criminal for his life. He's a criminal. Well, it's vindictive. No, it's not. He's a criminal and his father's a criminal. That's okay. But the reality is this is not some vindictive thing.

This is not about having compassion for addicts. If anyone behaved the way this guy behaved, they would have been disowned years ago. Their parents have disowned children for so much less than this. So much less than this. They've been disowned for. I love going to live events. I don't care what sports, shows, concerts. Game Time app has a new feature called Game Time Picks. It makes getting tickets for your favorite live events even easier. GameTime Picks filters out the fluff to show you only incredible deals on great seats.

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he's thrilled about that nobody wants their child to be a DJ nobody nobody wants their child to be a DJ nobody runs, poisons their enemies, survives coup attempts so that their kid can be a DJ. Nobody. That's not what you want. Do you know what, Vladimir Putin, do you know how he had to rise through the KGB? You know what that guy had to do to get to where he is? And now his daughter's spinning? He doesn't want this. According to an investigation by Ukrainian TV station TSN, 20-year-old Krivonikh is believed to live under the pseudonym Luisa Rozova, a former student who's working

in both fashion and as a DJ. She's reportedly using the name Elizaveta Olegnova Rudnova, presenting herself as the daughter of Oleg Rudnov, a former media manager and friend of Putin, who died in 2015, but she's thought to be the daughter of an affair that Putin had while married to Ludmila Putin the woman is suspected to be Svetlana Krivonovna, a former cleaner who is now one of the richest women in Russia. She performed the DJ set at Moscow bar and nightlife spot Rovesnik. The bar reportedly has a progressive stance and has previously hosted exhibitions on feminism,

a lecture supporting the victims of domestic violence, and contributed proceeds to human rights activists and protesters in Russia. Not only is your daughter a DJ, but she's performing at a bar where it's everything that you hate. You can't have it all. This is what I mean. You can't have it all. You can be a trillionaire. You can have more money than God. You can control the economy of the continent, essentially. I mean, not really, but it's Russia. It's a massive country. But you can't stop your daughter from being a DJ.

You can't stop your daughter from being, it's kind of amazing. You can't have it all. No one can have it all. As good as it seems, as powerful as you are, there are just things that are out of your control. The Russian media outlet also reported that her Instagram, which is currently hidden from public view, shows her having fun with friends, going out dancing and listening to music.

Well, this is a secret daughter. This is not one of the, this is not the official daughter, it's a secret daughter. And, um, but it's still interesting. This is what happens. I've, I've, I've met a lot of the, you know, people whose parents are incredibly successful. This is not rare. This is not rare. A lot of people whose parents are incredibly successful choose to spend their lives floating around, pretending they're dilettantes, they like to be near the arts, occasionally dabbling in them. I don't know this woman, perhaps she's excellent. Maybe she's the best DJ in Moscow.

What do I know? But I'm saying this is not rare. This is the way rich kids behave. They want to be DJs and comedians and writers and directors. You know how many people I've met that they work at a hedge fund and they're like what's good about it is I can get out early and use the time to write. You got a movie in you, you got a film in you, everybody thinks they got a film in them. All these rich kids go to NYU, they got a lot to say, they got a film, they got a movie,

they got a story, everybody needs to hear, they got an idea. Nobody just accepts it. Everybody, nobody wants to accept that they're the daughter of the leader of Russia. They want to be cool. the leader of Russia. They want to be cool. They want to be cool as if being a DJ would be cooler than the Putin's daughter. If Putin would accept me as his daughter, I would transition immediately and move to Russia and be his daughter and Never disgrace him as a DJ. He might not love the physical appearance of me as his daughter But we could do work can be done But this idea that all these rich kids I've met so many of them. None of them can just accept the fact that they are rich They don't

Accept it. They don't want to They want to create a world in which They have a lot of important things to say a lot of contributions and some of them might some of them might But the vast majority of them are incredibly bland People because that's what wealth tends to do it makes you bland it it dulls you it's you know it anesthetizes you and yeah a

lot of those not all of them some of them are brilliant but a lot of those, not all of them, some of them are brilliant, but a lot of them are completely unserious about doing anything and They want to be cool. How empty how hollow to be cool how Ephemeral is that how fleeting to be cool to be a DJ? Be the czar's daughter have some goddamn self-respect, have some, well she is a secret daughter so she might not even be allowed to be his daughter. Oh whatever, be a DJ, I don't care. Be a DJ, I don't care, it doesn't bother me.

New York City It Girl talks about falling in love with Hunter Biden in 2017. Zoe Costan was heavy in the New York City party scene when she met the president's son and had a brief tryst. A chance meeting in December 2017 plunged Zoe, a downtown it girl and social media star headlong into an unpredictable affair with Hunter Biden. His father was no longer in office and she didn't read the news much anyway. Her relationship with a handsome, well-dressed customer would end with the intimate images of Miss Kestin exposed to the world via Mr. Biden's infamous laptop. This guy didn't fuck anyone he did not photograph.

This guy did not fuck one chick. He did not categorize. I mean, it's kind of interesting. You kind of have to give it to him. It's like the Nixon tapes. Like he just wanted a record. He wanted a record of everyone he ever fucked. So if somebody was like, if he was like, I was just plowing through pussy in the Ukraine and somebody's like, really? And he was like, Look at this. I have them all. I have them all.

It would also force Miss Kestan, or Kestestan as one of the most extensive observers of Mr. Biden's drug use to testify in federal court this spring. Seven years after their meeting, Ms. Kestan 31 is still trying to process what happened. She became well known, but on terms totally different from those she had imagined. The collision of her local fame with Mr. Biden's national notoriety left her with whiplash, unsure of who she was. I was confronted with the fact that the only thing I know about my identity now is I'm still affected by this person, and certain people around me think of me only in relation to him.

Oh, oh no, God, God, that's sad. So sad. So sad. I mean, there is something... There is something incredibly American about the Biden family. It is a tragic family. Death, destruction, chaos, drug use. I mean, guns, drugs, money. I mean, it's all there, porn, you know? Like it's really his crazy wife, Jill, forcing him to be president. It's elder abuse, forcing him, telling everyone he's fine,

parading him around. He fell asleep in Angola. Do you have that? Get up Biden falling asleep in Africa. This is a man that was being forced to be the president by his psychotic wife, who's not even a doctor, and bullied by his crackhead son into pardoning him. This is the United States of America currently. This is the man who leads it. Okay, I don't know if there's a video of this, but the President Biden appears to fall asleep. of America currently. This is the man who leads it. Okay, I don't know if there's a video of this,

but the President Biden appears to fall asleep. He appears to fall asleep in an economic meeting. Take a look at this. I mean. and inclusive growth across the region. Tanzania is no stranger to such aspirations as it already links landlocked countries in central Africa with the already undertaken internal consultations aiming at aligning this project with national priorities and other bilateral This is the guy that everyone said would be fine for the next four years.

In fairness to him, it does seem very boring. It does seem incredibly boring. TimDillonComedy.com for tickets to live events, live shows. Shows at the Mothership Comedy Club Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. Very excited to be back there. It's one of my favorite places to perform in the world, timdillancomedy.com. And we will see you. We'll see you on the road.

We'll see you live. Thank you, everyone. And listen, don't shoot a CEO. That's not good. But if you're going to, no, I'm just done.