The Tim Dillon Show - 460 - Tim Dillon Joins CBS, Mazel!

Episode Date: September 7, 2025

Tim discusses Bari Weiss' 'Free Press' being sold to Paramount for $200 million and her new role leading CBS News. He assures us that her new position will have no influence on CBS and explains why the news doesn't even matter anymore. Mazel!  American Royalty Tour 🎟  https://punchup.live/TimDillon SPONSORS:  ARMRA  Go To https://armra.com/TIM or Enter “TIM” To Get 30% OFF your first subscription order!  Ship Station  Go To https://shipstation.com & Use Code “TIMDILLON” To Sign up for your FREE Trial Prize Picks  Download The Prize Picks app today & use code “TIM” to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup! Run Your Game! https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TIM Kikoff Inc.  Build Credit Fast and Get Your First Month For just a Dollar at https://getkikoff.com/TIM today. Thanks to Kikoff for sponsoring us!  Helix  Go To https://helixsleep.com/timd For 27% OFF Sitewide!!! Fourth of July SALE  ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/@TimDillonShow?sub_confirmation=1 Instagram: https://instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds?si=e8000ed157e441c8 Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the CBS Evening News. My name is Tim Dillon. I want to first start by thanking Barry Weiss for giving me the opportunity to sit here with you at the iconic CBS News desk and deliver the news. CBS is a great American institution. I also want to speak directly to people who feel that there may be some changes coming at CBS or that the network is in. going to be recognizable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here at CBS, we have a journalistic commitment to integrity,

giving you both sides or all sides of every issue that matters to you. Barry is committed to delivering fearless, unbiased journalism, and she is incredibly aware of, of what a shill, you people think she is. But she is not. She is not a shill, and nor am I. I want to thank the Ellison family. I want to thank Paramount.

I want to thank everybody who invested severely in me and Barry and the whole team at the free press. The investments made were intense. They were severe. and I want to thank everyone who took hundreds of millions, if not billions of dollars to make sure that you are getting fearless, unbiased news coverage from a team that's only agenda is the truth or only agenda is the truth. That is the biggest thing that we are trying to do here.

We're not trying to come on here and spin and say, Hey, hey, you anti-Semite pigs, eat your slop. We're not trying to say that. We're trying to say the world is very big. And there's a lot of people that have a lot of opinions that need to be corrected. And here at CBS News, we are going to devote every one, waking minute of our day to correcting all of you very nicely. You're barely going to notice it's happening.

You're barely going to notice we're there. So for Tim Dillon and... The thing about the beard, which makes it so difficult, is that it really does. I have sensitive skin and it's very hard to speak in this beard. We got this, what is this, a Hasidic Chu costume at Spirit Halloween? This is a rabbi costume at Spirit Halloween. To, of course, by the way, it's a happy day, it's a great day.

We're celebrating this day. It's a national holiday. It's, I believe, the day that the free press, Barry Weiss's blog, was bought for $1 trillion. It is now valued at what PetroChina is valued at. And she will be taking over CBS News. So are the oldest and most vulnerable members of our society, We'll be getting news directly from Barry Weiss. She's a friend of mine who I like.

I tend to like these types. I really do. And I enjoy her and I wish her well and I'm wishing her the best. I know that it seems like we're poking fun here. And we are a little bit because let's be honest, CBS is about to just become God only knows. I mean, it's going to be, number one, it's Tranny TV. So all they're going to talk about is gender goblinism. And then they're going to talk about, you.

Israel, most likely that's what it's going to oscillate between somebody on the girl's swim team has a cock, which is their big issue. And then also, hey, how good of a job is Netanyahu doing? Good or great? What say you? You know, so you're going to have all of those debates, you know? How best to kill a Palestinian? How does it, is it, should it be quick?

We don't know. So you're going to have all of that at CBS News. CBS News. Very interesting that the establishment is now, you know, Barry Wise was somebody who was like way outside the mainstream. She worked at the New York Times and then laughed right because like they went, they went super woke and she was like persona non grata and she then launched her own thing and she's very independent in the sense that she wasn't linked to, you know, via com or, or, you know, AP. associated press or any of these conglomerates, these big media companies. So she started the free press. But she had a lot of backing.

She had a lot of financiers come in that backed her very early on with a lot of money that pumped her up. And she created the free press. Again, full disclosure, I've done events with them. They've paid me very well one time. And I've done events with them. And I enjoy her. And I think she's

charming and smart. Is Barry Weiss interested in a unbiased look at the Middle East? Uh, I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe not. Perhaps not. And I think that maybe that's what's bothering the staffers at CBS.

Because CBS is an old... Now, you remember who watches CBS? People that watch CBS, their entire night, is getting from the kitchen to the chair. The entire night of an average viewer of CBS is getting from the kitchen to the chair. They make a plan to get from the kitchen to the chair. They walk into the kitchen.

They're in the kitchen. They find some type of food that they believe their system can still handle after all of these years. They eat a little bit of that food. And then they migrate. It's migration. It's like a refugee, you know, coming from Cuba to Florida, except they're just trying to get to their chair in their living room. and then they turn on the CBS evening news, okay?

Again, the median age of a prime-time viewer of CBS is 67.8, almost 68 years old. But by the way, that's the median. So we know that there's far older as well. And the people that are watching CBS are elderly people who are, they kind of don't know what's going on. Let's be honest. So I think maybe they're trying to bring in Barry to like make it young and hip. They're trying to, like, she's going to, like, jazz it up and make it, like, younger and hipper and, like, cooler and whatever.

And then also provide the old people the content they want, you know, which is, you know, predominantly fear-based and misleading. And as long as the content remains fear-based and misleading, it will be good content. and they will eat it up until they go on that final pilgrimage to wherever. But we, we, congrats to Barry, a great gig. CBS is an old clunker of a car. Nobody whose young respects it. Nobody's getting their news anymore from cable that is under 40. Nobody is reading these papers anymore half the time.

I read them because I have this dumb show. most people are getting their news directly now from a person who's being bombed. That's who's the news is now. The news is directly from someone who's literally being bombed at the moment. Like, there is no more article about the bombing. Someone whose family just got incinerated in a fire

is on a phone telling you what happened. Please help me. Help me. So there's not a ton of editorializing to be done now. we're just getting it directly from the horse's mouth. Like, the people that are being skinned alive in their homes, burnt to death, heads exploding, in a kind of a hurricane of fire and an inferno,

skin melting, eye sockets out. Those are the people that are now on the phone telling you what your government is funding, okay? So that's, I've got to get rid of this because it's even a, it's kind of, it's kind of bothering my neck even. And I feel like, I feel like with the beard, it feels anti-Semitic. But it's not. It's actually, by the way, here's what's funny about this whole thing.

Truly, is this actually funny. It's actually funny. There's nothing less anti-Semitic than this than what I'm doing. Stacking two bagels to represent the Twin Towers, having managed to have its wine, and dressing in this costume is actually the least anti-Semitic thing. anyone has ever done. So, but, and that's what's funny about the world is you see it and immediately go, oh my God, I bet that's so, that's offensive and crazy.

But this is the type of thing the free press should be defending, right? We hope the free press is defending this and sharing this clip. We imagine the free press will be sharing this clip, yes, yes or yes. Laughing at life is easier when you actually feel good between processed foods, environmental toxins and the stress of just existing in today's world, feeling run down has become the norm. But your body wasn't meant to feel this way. Armour Colostrum is nature's original superfood. Packed with over 400 bioactive nutrients at fortified gut health, supercharged immunity, fuel stamina, revitalize hair growth and help you function at your best once again because

keeping up with the chaos of modern life is a lot more fun when you have the energy to do it. We worked at a special offer from my audience. Receive 30% off your first subscription order. Go to Armour.com slash Tim or enter TIM to get 30% off your first subscription order. That's A-R-M-R-A-com slash Tim. That's A-R-M-R-A-com slash Tim. But the news now has gone from, like, a guy, and he'd be sitting at a gasket. He'd be a good-looking guy like David Muir.

Get up the picture of David Muir because he's a haughty. And he's not purely white. There's something else going on. And you kind of imagine him at a bar, and he's having a glass of scotch, and then a woman walks in, maybe like a Catherine Zeta-Jones. back in the day, not now.

I know she's older now. And David Muir is at a bar, and he's that type of guy that you imagine nailing like a Hollywood A-lister. He's just a good-looking guy, and he has that face that seems like he cares.

And then that guy would get on the news, and he would go, the continued conflict in the Middle East has been incredibly deadly and unfortunate. And the people in their houses we go, yeah, yeah, well, that sucks. That's tough.

You know, that's a sad thing. And now, but you removed. You're kind of removed from it because you don't really know what's going on. And then they'd show like a few, they'd show some bombs. It'd be some lights. There'd be some things going on and off. And you'd go, yeah, that's bad. And then he'd go, the terrorism that is being, you know, like,

the terrorists. And they would say that word a lot. They would be like the terrorism and the terror. And then you go, right, right, right. Terrorism. Yeah, got to root them out, get them, smoke them out of their hole. Remember all the George W. Bush? Got to smoke them out of their hole.

Get them, got them good. Get them, root them out. Bush was the first one after this whole thing happened. He goes, they're going to have to do some things, not be too nice. George W. Bush came out and was like, yep, I'm no fan of terrorists. And he's like, you're going to have to go into these places. And it's not because it's guerrilla warfare. And listen, some of that is understandable, inevitable.

we get it. It is not nice. You know, guerrilla warfare, warfare in cities is not pretty. The Pentagon's planning, by the way, if you read what the Pentagon's planning, they're planning to have it here. And it's not nice. And they're planning actually to have it here. The Pentagon for many, many years has been looking at what happens when the population

just gets a little too excited. But you would have a guy like David Muir and he'd be out there and there'd be this filter and you would be understanding what's happening in a geopolitical context, right? A geopolitical context. Like, you'd be understanding like that there are things that are beyond our understanding that can't really be, you know, fleshed out fully here.

We're just going to use words that give you the idea that it's terrible and unfortunate. And it's a prolonged, that's one of the prolonged, it's a prolonged conflict. It's a terrorism and extremism, radical extremism, radical terrorism, extremism, prolonged conflict, conflicts, terrorism, civilians, sadly, death, you know, and all of these things. And again, you're 70, you're watching, you're watching the news, you know what I mean, the pill's kicking in, you're coming back and forth. there's a piece of pie that's lodged in your esophagus. It isn't going down. It's breaking down in the lower range of your esophagus.

So you're breathing through the pie. And you're going, And then intermittently, David Muir's coming in and explaining Gaza to you. And that's used, that was the news. Now the news is your, your daughter comes home. Because nobody used to care about anything, by the way. Kids didn't care but anything ever. No one cared about anything.

I was a child. No one really cared. Nobody was engaged. 16-year-old girls were not screaming about colonialism in 1997. That's not what was going on. But now how you get the news is your daughter comes in and she's really upset about something she saw on TikTok, and then she goes, look at this.

And then she hands you the phone. And then you're watching, there's a girl on TikTok, and she's like standing on a mound of rubble, okay? And she's going, my family was burned. They were burned alive. Can you come get me? My family was burned. And then you have to explain to your daughter.

you got to go, honey, there's always people being burned alive in our world. What do you mean? Honey, you're so lucky. That's why I tell you to never complain about anything. You're so lucky to get on a bus in our little, you know, Pacific Northwest suburb with our crisp air and our alpine lakes, and you're so lucky to get on a bus and go to a school and have your biggest problem be that Sarah doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. I tell you friendships, they change, people grow apart,

and then sometimes they reconnect later on. Remember when we had that talk? You're so lucky that that's your biggest problem because there's many people your age that are being burned alive right now in their homes. They're being burned alive in their homes, and they're watching their parents burn. And the thing about fire is that you scream while you're being burned, honey. This is something that people don't realize.

But actually, while you're engulfed in flames, you are still screaming and you can still hear it. And it's a terrible way to die to be burned alive while you still scream. And that's happening all over the world all the time. And honey, and why is it happening? Why can't it stop? Why are we funding it? Why don't you care? hey hey calm down the world is very complicated and very big it's a big world the world is very big

and in a big complicated world where there's lots of different people some of them are going to burn each other alive some of them are going to cook each other in pots and there's just not much we can do about it but what i'd like you to do is is stop getting so upset about it. And then they go, this is why they had to ban TikTok. They don't care about your kids' mental health, by the way. They don't. All they give them is poison

little waffle bites. I mean, that's all children are given from the time in this country, they're three, until they hit puberty, which they're now hitting it like 10, by the way. Like kids are going through puberty. Women are fully pregnant at 12 years old, smoking cigs on welfare. And it's because they're

eating these little waffle, these little waffle bites. and little pancake crisps and all kinds of weird, fruity dinner. And, you know, what they really are is little tranny bites. Because it does change, you know, and people become trans from the breakfast cereal. They have, you know, the thing with the, you know, Count Chocula and then the smacks, that frog. All of these things. So all, so these kids are poisoned with little, you know, French toast, you know, hot fudge,

Sunday, little, you know, they, they'll put like a little, like some type of, like, a little mini cake and then that becomes a cereal, like a, you know, right, right. Common sweeteners may be accelerating puberty and kids. Yeah, whatever. It's not a science show. I'm not going to go into the whole thing here. But my point is that all of these sugar cereals drive your kids insane. They spike their insulin.

They crash. And by the way, anyone who's genuinely trans, you know, we all. obviously love and support you. Look at me. I'm literally identifying as a rabbi right now. But, you know, I think, you know, there's a lot of like, hey, a little social contagion. I want to be cool, too, which is fine. And not for every. It's more the women that are doing that. The women, the trans women. The dudes want to be women are kind of more legit. And then also, like, some of the women who want to be meant are clearly legit. But I just say, hey, everyone, let's not do the hormones early. Let's just wait a little bit until we're totally sure,

totally certain and then you do you I don't care it doesn't matter um but so but we don't care about your kids mental health we would not feed them the food we do if we cared about their mental health we never would do that we wouldn't you know the diet of uh everything they get really in this country the pressure that's put on them all these kids that have to get into ivy league schools some of them kill themselves there was a school in l a Harvard westlake these kids were under so much pressure to get into top colleges that they, I believe they hung themselves or one of them might have shot themselves. I'm just saying how terrible it is, the pressure that is put on children in this country to excel. Now, the opposite of that is my fat, useless parents putting no pressure

on me to do anything. Also not good, by the way, footnote. But I'm just saying we don't care about the kids' health. The reason that we wanted to ban TikTok had nothing to do with bullying and it had nothing to do with mental health, it was the fact that kids were starting to look at the world and go, why is this like this? Why are we, why is this happening? Why is everybody getting killed? And then parents had to have these really uncomfortable conversations with their children about the fact that, hey, it's just part of the game.

It's part of the game. It's part of the game. So that they had the band TikTok, which didn't work. But they did try. And who knows, it may soon work. We don't know. But I'm telling you right now, yet two tries. Gears at L.A.'s most elite private school.

At Harvard Westlake, four students, two alumni and one parent have all taken their own lives. And that's very sad. All right, I don't want to read the article, but I am, I'm not lying to it's true. And a lot of these people are taking their own lives because they're under pressure to succeed and to excel. And we do that to children, whether it's in sports, whether it's in academics. So we're not a country that prioritizes anybody's mental health, nobody's, not adults. Not adults. Not adults. We don't prioritize anybody's mental health. We don't. We never have. We don't. So anytime somebody goes, actually, we got to start thinking about the mental health. There's another agenda. It's easy to see. There's actually another agenda. Does this come across as antisemitic with the curls? I'm only wondering with the curls because this is how the costume came at Spirit Halloween. Many people ask me all the time about,

online businesses and online commerce, e-commerce, most people ask me about this when they're down on their luck. People that are suffering from food insecurity or houselessness will often ask me about e-commerce and online activity. Can I get a can I run a business online is what many of them will say. And I will tell them absolutely you can. But the biggest issue that most online businesses have, okay, is scaling. How do you scale? And I explain this to people. I go out in the streets to missions to all these different places and I explain this to people. And ShipStation is the answer because users of ShipStation report scaling three times faster than average, allowing them to reinvest more into their business with the time and money that they are saving, okay?

ShipStation allows you to automate shipping tasks and manage orders in an easy-to-use dashboard. I'm telling you, I love ShipStation because I've seen friends go from, fledgling mom and pop businesses to literally some of the largest companies you'll ever see using ship station because they can ship. I have a friend that makes little do dads and knick-knacks for the holidays and ships them to people and people love them because they're made with care. They're not made in China with communism. They're made by people in America who sit in their homes and make the little little pieces

and maybe it'll be a, maybe it'll be an animal on a frozen lake or pond. Or maybe it'll be a, a tree. Whatever it is. Maybe it's a little turkey, gobble, gobble. What it is, these are the little knickknacks. When you walked in your grandmother's house when you were young and she would have these little knickknacks, you understood what life was about. Okay?

Now everything is cold and modern. It's like a neurologist office. And you walk into a holiday and it looks like. like someone's going to tell you you have a tumor because there's nothing in anyone's home. Everything is about finishes. Slate gray, black, satanic stone, reminds you of Mordor, okay? It reminds you of the ring. It reminds you of power. Okay. You look at the way these homes are designed and the way these kitchens are designed. And the theme of a lot of these homes is the only God is death. And that is not what we're trying to do here. We want to have an e-commerce

business with little knick-knacks, little things, you could ship them out, little fun things, little, you know, misery, all the penguins face don't want, you know, having these little ceramic things in a house makes a family mean something, okay? And my friend has this little business where they'll make something fun, and they ship it. And they use ship station, because it allows them to centralize label printing, order management, tracking, returns, and inventory in one easy-to-use platform. So you don't have to manage your back office. Your back office is being managed for you. It's being automated. It's kind of amazing. And then you can also sell the little things that you do. It's so important to have these

things in your home. People call them clutter. That's what people are. We had a lot of these anti-clutter shows like that Japanese woman Marie Kondo and hoarders where they found the most extreme examples of clutter. Basically people had mental problems. And they said, Oh, we should clean them out. And the result of this has been the destruction of culture in America. Little by little, trinket by trinket. Fun little ashtray from Key West. Gone.

Okay? Little snow globe from Vegas. Gone. We call them clutter, but they're kitsy little knickknacks that used to fill our lives with pride and joy. Okay. And used to be able to say we went on a trip and we got this little ashtray. We got a fun little whatever. we got a mug, okay?

Now you go to Anguilla with your friends, and the only thing you can say is, oh, we got away with that girl we murdered. Hey, we murdered a girl, and we got away with it. Your body went out to sea. Think of the tides went that way. She didn't wash back up, okay? But there was one time in this country

when you would go and you would drive somewhere in a Winnebago and get fun knick-knacks, okay? You didn't go with your boss to Anguilla and your friend and break a woman's neck and then put her in the ocean and then the tides brought her out to sea because it was some type of riptide event and then her body was eaten by sharks and it didn't wash up on the beach

because if it did, there would have been DNA tests and they would have called you back there and it would have been a whole big thing. But it wasn't. Okay, but that's not the way it used to be. He used to walk in on Thanksgiving and there'd be a little table in the living room with Nick Naxon. and trinkets from fun little places.

And a lot of them were religious. A lot of them were religious. And these little knickknacks and trinkets and fun little baskets with little robins eggs and little birds and little animals, a cute little ceramic foxes and maybe a little guy playing a fiddle. That was better, okay,

than going to Anguilla and committing a murder. You murdered someone on a beach. Okay? Whether it was an accident or not, and I don't buy that it was an accident, you did it. You did it and it'll haunt you and you see her face every time you close your eyes. You can also automate repetitive or tedious tasks to save time and reduce errors because there are so many errors that you make when you are just focusing on the most important part of your business, which is the origination of leads and the sales. sales is the engine of any business sales and marketing content is king marketing is queen

gary vanierchuk gary v actually um what i'm saying is that there's a revolution happening a return to clutter a return to stuff a return to things a return to uh mementos or return to memorabilia and i think a lot of this is very good and very positive and i think that if people don't start embracing things like this okay it's going to be a very we're going to live in a very empty clinical hellscape where people are just literally going to islands and murdering people and getting away with it. Okay? Upgrade to shipping software that does more than keep up with your business. Shipstation propels it forward. Start your 60 day free trial at shipstation.com and use code Tim Dillon.

That shipstation.com code Tim Dillon. But my point is this. If we had TikTok during the Iraq war, kids would have been going nuts you you know people were flipped out during the iraq war and they were only watching that heavily edited cable news we had the internet but it was you weren't you know there were documentaries made but you weren't getting that live up to the minute live feed of what was going on in the world right now you were confronted with every horror so there is no more news here's my point this is the point there's always a point actually there is there's no more news. The news doesn't exist.

The news doesn't really exist anymore. Everything is pretty accessible now. You can watch the speeches being given by a lot of the people that are making news. You can watch a war zone on your phone. Does it look like they're avoiding civilian casualties? You know what I mean? all of this is very accessible to you and you can see it and go

huh there is no news doesn't really matter what Barry Weiss does with the CBS doesn't really matter these institutions are done we are getting it direct from the source now we're getting it directly from the regions of the world that it is happening that doesn't mean we're not subject to

misinformation and AI and eventually deep fakes and all of that. Obviously we are. But you have more information now, raw information in your hand than you've ever had before. Children that are growing up right now are never going to go back to watching the CBS evening news. They're never going to go back to watching the CBS evening news. God bless the Ellisons and Paramount and whoever it's just a dying brand. It's a dinosaur. The medium is crumbling. They have lost the public.

And more importantly, they've lost young people completely. Because young people are realizing they're being propagandized at a level that older people gladly accepted. It was normal. It was fine. Older people were okay with being propagandized as long as they got a few things out of The young people are getting nothing out of it. Wait, you're lying to us and I can't own a house.

I can barely have a job. I have to be forced into the gig economy. I get to deliver burritos. And I have to listen to this bullshit. And I have to pretend that this is all real. And I can't afford frozen yogurt with my girlfriend. And I have to go along with this horse shit. And I have nothing and no money for it.

If you're doing something, you want to get something out of it. If you were going to delude yourself and believe the bullshit on the news, you have to get a little bit out of it. And what Americans got for many years was a patch of dirt, a little driveway, and a chance. They don't have any of that anymore. We've taken that all away from them. We've pushed them into a gig economy. We've pushed them into the hellscape of rent that goes up every single year. And the propaganda is actually getting worse. It's getting more. It's getting more disconnected from reality, more Orwellian, we're asking them to believe crazier and crazier things

and taking away the little bit that most people had. People don't want to be billionaires. People want a house, a family, a little retirement plan, some money in the bank. If there's an emergency, they want health care. They want some kind of steady job. They want a community with people that share their values. They're getting none of that right now.

They're getting none of that. They're getting Chris Jenner's third head. Chris Jenner has a third head, and everybody's excited by it. People will tell you, the people that don't have any of those things will tell you that they like Chris Jenner's new head. Or they're excited that Taylor Swift, a billionaire, is going to marry Travis Kelsey, the man who was birthed by Pfizer. And people have to live vicariously now through that.

Why are the kids turning on the engines of propaganda? Number one, they're too smart. The technology is there. They know they're being lied to. Here's number two. You're taking all of the things away from them that this entire system was supposedly purportedly set up to help them achieve. So if I'm a member of the ruling class,

I'm going, what are we doing here? What exactly is happening? We're asking these people to believe this bullshit that Jeffrey Epstein is just like a weirdo rich guy. No one else did anything wrong. We don't have any of the files. And the videos aren't real. It's actually nothing.

Nothing happened. Everything's fine. He never had any relationship with our intelligence agency or another intelligence agency. He had no relationships with anybody. Nobody did anything. He was just a weird, rich guy. Don't worry about it.

We're asking people to believe all of this stuff and telling them. And the reward for that, the reward for that, okay, is to deliver a Caesar salad to someone. That's the reward. Your job now is to deliver a Caesar salad. Not that it would have been right to buy the bullshit anyway, even if you had the things. but I'm just telling you how the country ran for a hundred years. That's what I'm telling you. I'm not saying it was morally correct to go,

I'll take the house in the car and you fucking kill everybody. I'm telling you that's how it worked. That's how the country ran forever. You shut your mouth and you go, I don't want to get into that. I don't know yet. It's a government lab. Kids will disappear. Shut up, eat your lasagna.

Your mother made lasagna. That's the way it worked. now everybody's you know in a broken home trying to get some job as a personal assistant you know

for some woman who's on her third head so you're scrounging around your car to find change to get Del Taco and you're getting a call from a woman who's bandaged up because she has her third head

and she's asking you to go to the pharmacy for her and get the individual she needs to inject into her face so that it doesn't fall off. And then you're going on your phone and all you hear is, help me. I'm being burned. My family is being burned. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you burning me? Do you see how it's an unsustainable model? Do you see that? Do you understand that? Am I, am I completely?

You know what's interesting about these Trader Joe's bagels? They look better than you think they would. They actually aren't. 9-11. Not good. I'm an alcoholic unless. I would try the wine. Prize picks, run your game.

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change average first year credit score impacted plus 84 points vantage score three between January 2023 and January 2024 for kickoff credit account users who started with a score below 600 who paid on time and who had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during the period late payments may negatively impact your credit score individual results may vary but my point is this and again nothing about to suggest cultural and sensitivity I hope it doesn't it's a costume sold it's I was trying to get a Shrymal, actually. I was trying to get a Shrymal, and I called very connected people, very high up. And unfortunately, because it's Saturday, and it's, what do they call it, Shabbat? I couldn't get a Sharmal. So, I'm in my car, and we pulled over, I was with a friend

of mine, and then we're going through this very orthodox area of Los Angeles. And, yes, go, go, go, make it big. That's how I was going to show up here. that's exactly what I was going to do but we couldn't so we had to go to fucking Spirit Halloween you'd think I'd be past this in my career but I'm not and I'm making an important point about the global nature of whatever here's the point we're in my car

we're driving through a Los Angeles a very orthodox area when there was what were they 15 or 16 yeah there was a bunch of kids running around in the garb so we pull over the roly and I said and it's Jewish kids so you know Obviously, it's weird to just talk to random children, right?

It's odd, obviously. Not for everyone in our country. Okay? But I say, come here. I call them over. And I call them over and I said, hey, what's up? Can I ask you a question? They go, yeah, go the hat, the Shrymel.

Could I get one? And they go, hey, man, they go, we're not that sect. They go, are you Jewish? I go, no, but my car is. And they laughed. It got a laugh. And then I said, I'm a comedian, and I want a Shrymol for something I'm doing. And they go, what's your name?

And I go, Tim Dillon. He goes, my mom listens to you. And I said, thank you. Thank you for the support from all the communities. And then we joked around a little bit with them. But then, and they were explaining to us that the Shrymol's a whole different thing. And it's a lot of money. One of the kids goes, it's expensive.

And I was like, we got it. But beautiful interaction there. And I believe that. I actually believe in all of the cultures getting together. I really do But what I'm What I'm saying here is that Can't get this out of here now please

I'm just staring at this picture The Shrymo but I do love the hat But we tried to do better than this But at the end of the day We had to go to Spirit Halloween and Bevmo And get this little set But what my point here If there is a point

And there always is a point Is that I'm excited to see what Barry does with CBS. I really am. I'm excited. I, I, I, I'm excited to see what it, what it is. I'm happy about it.

Uh, I, I, hopefully I will be considered to be a, uh, correspondent. I think I have the look for it. Uh, and I, I'm very bullish on the future of the, at least the next six months to a year of whatever train wreck that will be. be because down the road it's all the kids are off you're turning it off all of these people think they can wrestle uh younger people back to these platforms and back to the bullshit it's not going to happen it's certainly not going to happen when none of them uh you know could afford a bottled water uh it's certainly not going to happen you can't impoverish in immiserate and sink a bunch

of people into debt and then say and hey, and we got a bunch of fairy tales for you all to believe now. And now it's story time. Hey, you're all broke? You're all broke and have nothing? Now it's story time. Now we're going to tell you how it all works. Jeffrey Epstein was a magical magician that lived in a castle.

Like, you can't have people running around, chomping out of all, staying up until three in the morning, writing a dissertation on God knows what to get a meaningless degree that they have shoved all of their hopes and dreams into that's going to result in nothing they're in mountains of debt they're living in a little complex and they're spending way too much of their money on rent car insurance they have no health care they hope to god nothing happens to them they're going to urgent care they're buying z packs off the street and then they're trying to date each other trying to

find someone to love and to commit to and have a family with it's all very difficult it's all incredibly difficult all the while being told they're special and unique geniuses and this entire period of their life is going to be very valuable to them when they're incredibly successful they can turn around and talk about how the hard times built character um it's the mother load as sam harris our friend would say the mother load of bad ideas uh to tell a bunch of people that they should spend most of their life being delusional psychopaths hoping uh that things uh work out and i think people are waking up a little bit and going that doesn't really make sense anymore and i think some of the stories you're telling me are also responsible

for why i'm in the position i'm in people are kind of waking up to that they're going i think the epstein thing's a lie but i also think the like that i'm going to be okay as a lie and if i work hard and I'm honest as a lie. And if I obey the rules is a lie. And if I'm respectful of other people, it's a lie. And if I don't call things out that are blatantly obvious to everyone, it's a lie. I think all of the lies are actually enforcing all of the other lies. And I don't want to believe any of them. And it's radicalizing quite a few people. Not me. Look at me. I'm fine. But most people out there having real problems with radicalization. I'm seeing this. Younger people to the far left, to the far right, you know,

and even worse, to Taylor Swift. That's even more disturbing. I mean, I've spoken to anarcho-communists and Nazis, and there is nothing more disturbing than talking to someone who's really, really, really into Taylor Swift. There's something very disturbing about that. At least there's a historical precedent for being a Stalinist or a Nazi.

This fucking Taylor Swift fucking shit is absurd. It's extreme. and there's no way to contextualize it in a way that makes me hopeful at all for the future. Nazis eventually lose. So to communist, historically. But these swifties, I don't know.

I don't know that they will lose. The breed of Normie that they represent, I feel, is going to do a tremendous amount of damage and already is to our society. This breed of white converse shoe-wearing awesome. city limits going an idiot that runs around

eating caviar and following influencers and believing that life is about going on vacations these people are going to destroy civilization at a faster pace than any of the political radicals in my estimation in my estimation you know everybody loves helix mattresses when people come and stay with me they go

why these mattresses is so good? And I go, Helix, you go, really? I go, yeah, they ship them right to your door. They're the best mattresses in the world. There's nothing worse than mattress shopping. All those people that work in those stores are creeps. They're watching you lay down. Something wrong with them.

Helix is amazing. You can take a short quiz to find out what kind of sleeper you are. Are you a side sleeper, a back sleeper? Do you sleep on your stomach? Are you a hot sleeper? What ails you? Sleep is so important. All the new studies coming out are saying,

people that don't sleep are going cuckoo. And you don't want to be that. You don't want to be a cuckoo. You want to be a person who sleeps, a nice deep sleep, mountain air, salt air for the sea. And you sleep into nice slumber and you dream and you have dreams about walking in the meadow. And it's nice.

And if you don't have a nice mattress, that's not what happens. You wake up constantly. You're tossing, you're turning. You're kind of insane. If you don't really sleep, you're technically kind of drunk. You're not getting. getting enough oxygen to your brain, you're wandering around, you're angry, you lash out at people,

sometimes violently, you are danger to yourself and others, you're putting yourself at a bad position with friends and family. Some people may get in car accidents, they may be performing tasks with heavy machinery and injure themselves. They could be driving a boat and not realize they're not in enough water and actually end up on kind of a sandbar. All of this can happen. if you're not properly rested. Helix is here for your sleep. You can sleep easy no matter what you did on helix. You may have killed someone in a car accident and gotten away with it.

But with a helix mattress, you sleep soundly all night, no problems. Waking up maybe once to use the restroom. Look at yourself in the mirror and go, I can do this. I can do it. I'll just get up tomorrow like nothing happened. If you've killed someone in a car accident but got away with it and a hit and run, you need a mattress that is a good sleeper. Helix.com slash Tim D.

Helix.com slash Tim D. If you've done a horrible thing and you need to sleep it off. Helix. Timdalencomedy.com for any of your live needs. We're on the road this fall and then this winter will be in other places, but we're getting the hour together

in some of the best clubs in America. and then moving on in theaters. But you can see me in Columbus, Ohio. You could see me in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, or Abu Dhabi. You could see me in Oklahoma City, in Phoenix, Arizona, in Fort Lauderdale, in Chicago, in San Jose, in Salt Lake City. You could see me in Chicago, I think I said. You can see me as well in Orange County, California, in Brea.

You can see me in Colorado. Tim Dylan Comedy, and Houston, timdillencom. That'll take us through January. that is the rub, much success to Barry Weiss, much success, Mazel, Mosul, and we are very excited and hopefully we'll be chosen as a correspondent for the reinvention of CBS News. And you know what this means with Barry taking over CBS, the last two words that octogenarians are going to say before they collapse into cardiac arrest,

on their couch is human shields. They're going to go, they use them as human shields. What are they supposed to do?