The Tim Dillon Show - 472 - Wicked?, A Terrible Life, & The Golden Age Of Travel

Episode Date: November 29, 2025

Tim discusses Ariana Grande & Cynthia Erivo’s disturbing physical appearance for the Wicked movies, what Thanksgiving in a divorced family is like, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy telling ai...r travelers to 'dress nice', Kash Patel potentially losing his job, and why young people need to stop trying to live the lives they see on social media.  American Royalty Tour 🎟  https://punchup.live/TimDillon SPONSORS:  Dupe For a limited time, the first 10,000 people who go to https://Dupe.com/TIM will get 500 Dupe Points instantly!  Incogni Go to https://incogni.com/timdillon & Use Code “timdillon” For 60% OFF An Annual Plan!  DraftKings Download The Draftkings Sportsbook App & Use Code “TIMDILLON” To Bet $5 And Get $200 In Bonus Bets If Your Bet Wins!  Aura Frames Exclusive $45-off Carver Mat at https://on.auraframes.com/TIM. Promo Code TIM Kars4Kids Go To https://kars4kids.org/tim Right Now To Donate!  Kalshi “Who will leave their role in the Trump Admin this year?” Market: https://kalshi.com/markets/kxleaveadmin/leaving-admin?utm_source=timdillon ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/@TimDillonShow?sub_confirmation=1 Instagram: https://instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds?si=e8000ed157e441c8 Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

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Starting point is 00:00:00 NBC News can now project that Donald Trump has won the state of Wisconsin, which means he is the winner of this race and will return to the White House as this country's 47th president. Name me one country that's ever done communism the right way. Nobody can afford to live because of the billionaires. Oh, you're so fucking ridiculous. You really sound like a fascist. You're a fascist. Oh, everyone's a fascist. Everyone's a fascist. Everyone's Hitler. You sound like a fascist.
Starting point is 00:00:30 Everyone's Hitler! Everyone's Hitler! Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. Happy Thanksgiving. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. What if you got to heaven and God was just doing a podcast? What if that was what it was? What if that was it? You get to heaven and God hands you a mind. and you sit on a couch, and you're like, it never ends?
Starting point is 00:01:35 And God's like, no, I'm in an ad deal. What if that's it? And God's like, isn't this wild? You're like, yeah, it's crazy. I'm happy I'm here. Then God starts laughing. You're like, all right, I'm going to laugh. God's like, yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:52 And God's reading an ad for calshu.com. Just seems, you know, seems to be where it's all trending. where the afterlife is just going to be a very long podcast where you get to ask God any and he'll explain the whole thing to you he'll literally go through the whole thing like you're like can you tell me about creating the world he's like yeah sure and it's just you know that's just it there's nothing after that
Starting point is 00:02:21 we've reached the end this is the end of things it's just on a loop forever it's just podcasting Just takes. Just takes. You and God just have takes. God's like, Ariana Grande is very thin now.
Starting point is 00:02:38 You go, yeah, it's disturbing. Is someone going to get her? I mean, that poor girl, I see her on that thing wicked, which is, they have the second wicked now that's come out. And her and that other chick, Cynthia Irivo,
Starting point is 00:02:58 they're very, odd, but that Ariana Grande, that's who I'm speaking of, right? It is Ariana Grande. She looks very thin, like where I'm worried a little bit about her. And hopefully, at Thanksgiving, someone just kind of has a sit down with her and go, honey, you're going to have to eat some of this food.
Starting point is 00:03:22 You know, because it's making people a little like, today you've got to prove it. No, I am eating. Yeah, yeah. but you got to, hey, you got to eat a little bit of this food. I know, but my stomach feels, hey, hey, eat a little bit of the food. Not just a teaspoon of mashed potatoes. You got to eat a meal in front of everyone.
Starting point is 00:03:46 Because if not, we're calling an ambulance. That's the way that Ariana Grande is out where you go, if you don't eat a meal in front of your family right now, we're going to call an ambulance. And we're going to force a pipe down your throat. and we're going to force feed you. And if you'd rather that, we'll do it right at the table. If you want to put a feeding tube in,
Starting point is 00:04:07 because she's at feeding tube. Ariana Grande right now is at feeding tube, where if a feeding tube, and I'm not making light of this, if a feeding tube doesn't go in soon, it's game over. So Ariana Grande needs a feeding tube immediately. And hopefully they do at Thanksgiving,
Starting point is 00:04:30 and it might be nice. Everyone's Thanksgiving and go, Ariana is having a little issue. So we're going to put a tube in her and she can drink her dinner at Thanksgiving. Mash it all up. Here's the thing. It doesn't have to be pretty,
Starting point is 00:04:44 but it's got to get in. That's what I tell, Ariana. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's got to go in. So if you want us to take some mashed potatoes, some gravy, or even like baby formula, if you want to start there with like baby formula and we'll put a feeding tube in you,
Starting point is 00:05:00 And we can start again like your one, we'll do that. But you're so thin, you look like you're going to break. And people are nervous. So put a feeding tube in and we'll start with like baby formula and nutrients. And then we'll work up to like a smoothie made of gravy and mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving. I want her to thrive. God bless her She needs to eat
Starting point is 00:05:31 Not as much as me I know the comment Not as much as me But somewhere between Where she is right now And where I am Is the happy medium Because you're going to have to put a feeding tube in her
Starting point is 00:05:43 There's no other way around it Can you get a photo of a Get a photo of Ariana Grande up And write the word thin Don't make a liar out of me Find a photo Or a beautiful woman talented woman want her to get help. Wicked, whatever.
Starting point is 00:06:01 You know, great on Broadway. Is it great? In the movies, I haven't seen it. I'm sure it's fine. That's not the point of this. The point of this is a warning, a word to the wise, a warning here. Let's get some nutrients in this woman. Isn't it bad? Can I see it on the thing? I can't really see it on the monitor. Is there a way from me to see it? I guess I could look at it on my phone. But she's very, very thin. And it's disturbing a lot of people. And I just want it known that the Tim Dillon show is offering to take Ariana Grande
Starting point is 00:06:44 to Smith and Wollinsky's restaurant, Steakhouse, and feed her cream spinach through a feeding tube. And I don't care who looks at us weird. I don't care Who looks at us weird If Ariana Grande wants to come with me At my expense to Smith Wollinskis
Starting point is 00:07:06 I will put a prime rib In a high Velocity food processor And we will blend it And we'll put it in the tube Along with a cream spinach and a coconut cake We'll get it in All we got to do here is get it in
Starting point is 00:07:21 Let's get the nutrients In the lady go down to some of these. Some of these are terrifying. They're just, they're too thin. They're too thin. We want the best for her. She's a really talented woman and everyone has a problem.
Starting point is 00:07:43 And everyone, everyone does. This is, but to me, now I haven't had this particular problem, but this can easily be fixed. with a feeding tube. Put the tube in. It's like sleep apnea, which I don't have, but a lot of people have it.
Starting point is 00:08:04 And you put that CPAP on and you go to bed, put the tube in, set it and forget it. Get a tube in and get one in now. And fuck them. I eat through a tube. Tell them that. Tell them the eating food revolt. I feel revulsionate solid food.
Starting point is 00:08:24 so I eat like a baby. And there's nothing wrong with it because I want the best for her. Now, this is interesting because this is being recorded on Wednesday. Now, happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Thanksgiving is passed. I hope it was good. Now, it hasn't passed yet. But in the magic of the internet, this episode is being recorded on Wednesday night.
Starting point is 00:08:48 You are going to get this on Saturday after you have Thanksgiving. I am having Thanksgiving with my cousin. A lovely aunt My cousin's wife Fiancee wife I think they got married Whatever And they're lovely people
Starting point is 00:09:04 We're going to a restaurant Because that's the move When you're older The move when you are older It will take a lot of stress Off a family When you just stop pretending This is a family
Starting point is 00:09:19 Stop pretending You have a family. you have a family and it will just it takes the pressure off these situations if you have lots of fun kids and everyone's running around
Starting point is 00:09:35 or even if you just have one kid and there's if there's a point but a lot of families myself included are older childless ex-addicts who meet very much like an AA meeting and love each other care about each other
Starting point is 00:09:51 sure but it's not a holiday that's filled with and I haven't had it yet. So by the way, I'm probably wrong and it's lovely. But have a reasonable expectation of what these things are. They're for children. Holidays are for children. And if you don't have a big happy family, just grab a few people in your family.
Starting point is 00:10:22 and don't try to cook or do anything at someone's home. Go to a restaurant. You have an in and an out. It starts at four. You're out at six. Hug kiss. Bye, bye in the car. Don't do anything in somebody's house unless you have an actual family.
Starting point is 00:10:48 If you don't, do not pretend to. release yourself from the idea that you have to pretend to have a family. Just go to a nice restaurant with people that you enjoy, whether they're blood relatives or not, and, you know, that's all you have to do. That's all you have to do. Nobody has to be like putting a meat thermometer in the turkey. Hey, cut it out.
Starting point is 00:11:20 Especially all you divorce heads. out there like me, once a family has been blended and it's like a divorced family, unless you get a really, really good one, you know, there's a ceiling to the love that you feel because most people will be strangers. You'll just, you'll be sitting at a table with people you don't know. Who are you? Someone will say that. When you have a divorced family, somebody at the Thanksgiving will go, who are you?
Starting point is 00:11:52 and you'll be introducing yourselves to each other at the Thanksgiving table. Because that's a stranger. That's someone you don't know and you just met them because your mommy or daddy married somebody's mommy or daddy and now you're meeting their cousin, whoever, just have a reasonable expectation of it, meet people, and sometimes the move is to hit a few Thanksgivings. sometimes the move is to hit a few
Starting point is 00:12:23 we're doing dessert with other people you know whether that's true or not you don't want to get in too deep again if you're in a position like I am where you're a child of divorce and you go to a house and you don't know who any of the people are and you're sitting there there's a lot of kids some young people listen to the show they'll be sitting at Thanksgiving
Starting point is 00:12:47 and someone will be talking to them and it'll be a stranger. They don't know who this person is. Your dad is plowing some woman and she may not even have married her. Your dad's banging some woman and her kid is talking to you or her sister's husband, whatever, is talking to you and you're sitting there and you're 16 or 17 years old and you're going, I don't know who the hell these people are. I don't know who they are.
Starting point is 00:13:18 They're not my family. It's something. There's something. You know, you shouldn't be rude to them. You shouldn't, you know, be ungrateful for whatever they do for you. They might make you a nice dinner. But know that your family has failed and you are living in the ruins of that. Know that.
Starting point is 00:13:41 You're living in the ruins of what was an attempt at a life. You are now in the ruins of two people. people's lives, your fathers and whoever's. You're in that now. You're in the pieces that they're trying to pick up off the floor of their life. Doesn't mean the mashed potatoes aren't good, but just know that you are in an experiment. You are now a part of an experiment of people who are trying to, and I don't begrudge them this, they're trying to figure out their life.
Starting point is 00:14:19 It's, you know, it's nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with you. And do the best that you can in that environment, if you're a child of divorce. Or you're in a blended family. And maybe it's a super cool blended family, like the ones on TV, where everybody loves each other and everybody.
Starting point is 00:14:35 And it's not. It's not going to be. So you just have to do the best that you can, living in the ruins of these people's lives. They're trying to create a meaningful life and you are just around. And there's nothing wrong with it, by the way. It's actually good.
Starting point is 00:15:01 It's actually good because you then can, you know, you can enjoy it. And then maybe next year you go to moms or Christmas you go with mom and whatever. I don't know. I don't know how you're going to. going to live your life. But, you know, I was talking to somebody the other day about Thanksgiving Eve.
Starting point is 00:15:24 People used to go out in that analog dial-up, weird, millennial world. People used to go out and they used to go to a bar with their friends when they came home from college. And I went to community college. I didn't go anywhere. And Thanksgiving Eve, people would come out. They'd get really drunk and really fucked up. and they'd see all the people that they knew.
Starting point is 00:15:46 And then they would realize they couldn't really be friends with those people anymore because something had changed. And what changed was time. Time, even that little bit of it, from graduating from prom and graduation, to November, which is, you know, basically six months. Even that has just, now you're at a distance from people
Starting point is 00:16:12 that you were close to and that experience was an important experience going back and seeing someone and going, oh, we're kind of tight. Oh, I was going to visit you. Yeah, I was going to visit you. And then nobody visits anybody. People do.
Starting point is 00:16:26 People will occasionally. But it's the beginning of this, you know, it's a beginning of you growing up. And that's an important thing. People don't do now. People don't do. They don't really go out. Like, I mean, some people do.
Starting point is 00:16:36 But people don't go out like that and have that experience where they would, they would see people on Thanksgiving Eve and like there'd be a cool family that would let you go to their house and you'd pregame at their house and the mom and the dad would be trying to keep it going and you'd feel it for a little bit you'd feel that old good old fashion feeling of being drunk in the suburbs in America that would be it's a great feeling truly it's one of the best feelings in life is being drunk in the suburbs in
Starting point is 00:17:19 America at a friend's home in their backyard smoking a weed yes it'll make some people schizophrenic the weed but that is one of the greatest feelings you can have but that that feeling is less and less fun as you get older and it gets sad or and sadder and sadder as you get older and you get angrier and angrier as you get older and then the people who get drunk at the suburbs at my age are scary they're very scary
Starting point is 00:17:52 when they're really drunk at the suburbs at my age they're usually not doing great but when you come back from college the first time and you get to go back to your buddy's house and then maybe some of the high school kids are there and they're like yo
Starting point is 00:18:07 what's that like and I remember that and I remember I was in community college but I was still fun and people liked having me around but I always felt like because a good friend of mine ended up going to Cornell this kid that I was friends with he ended up going to Cornell and I went nowhere and I felt very insecure about that as I should have you know well the joke's on him now because I'm the most important person in the world actually but but I remember that and I feel bad
Starting point is 00:18:45 part of the reason people are losing their minds right now is the internet sucks it's not good your wins are barely wins and your L's are barely L's meaning like the lives that everybody has created
Starting point is 00:19:01 on the internet are deeply unfulfilling lives and even remembering like simple things that you would do, you know, with friends or whatever, these things that are so important to do in life, people don't even do them anymore. People don't do them.
Starting point is 00:19:19 Everybody's being manipulated by algorithms and they're all going insane, but life's actually kind of simple and it's not that complicated. And truly, one of the best things you can do when you're, you know, I know everyone's like, nobody wants to drink anymore or do whatever. And I'm, again, I'm sober 15 years. I know that drinking can be fucked up.
Starting point is 00:19:43 But one of the best things you can do as a young person is be drunk in the suburbs of this country. With your friends, there's only a finite amount of time that you will get to live a silly life without responsibilities. And you shouldn't immediately, you should not totally get rid of that to become some political psycho or somebody who needs to make a billion dollars in crypto tomorrow or looks max where you're smashing the bones and you draw with a hammer. And it's what people are doing. They're smashing. And these are, they're already hot. These people are already hot. And they're smashing bones with a hammer to make their face.
Starting point is 00:20:32 a shape and this is a bad life if you're smashing your bones with a hammer to make your face and you're already hot some of these guys I go you're already hot what are you doing if that's what you're doing or if you if it's all politics or if you are trying to be so rich And that's consuming your life. And you're not laughing with your friends and you're not trying to meet someone. Like it just, these lives that people create, they suck. Truly, they're not good lives. You know, like you read about these people that are radicalized to one direction or the other.
Starting point is 00:21:27 They're angry all the time and they're, they're, They have all this purpose and they're, but, but none of it's like, none of it's to like have any fun. So everybody's trying to get rich and change the world, but no one's having any fun. I have a lot of fun. I do. I try, even though sometimes it's hard because my phone is tapped and there's people trying to kill me. And by the way, and I was texting Candace this morning, you know, insulting. It's going to be when I find out how much they paid for me to get killed.
Starting point is 00:22:07 Nothing. They're transferring. She thinks, and I believe her, she found something that they transferred $1.5 million somebody. I don't know what's going on, but you know they're going to Venmo somebody $60 to hit me in the head. You know, insane that's going to be. They're going to vend most $60 for somebody to just come up and hit me in the head. But I still try to have fun. Small, you do small things that are, are fun.
Starting point is 00:22:40 You don't need to solve the world's problems. I love dupe. I love dupe. I'm telling you right now. Are you insane to not use dupe? I'm like, it's like big. Big, big, dupe. Doop.
Starting point is 00:23:04 Doop, doop. Have you ever found the perfect couch or lamp online? Then the sticker shock reminds you it's out of reach of your budget. That's why I go to Doop. It's simple. Just type dupe forward slash before any product URL. And Doop instantly shows you similar and more affordable alternatives. It's perfect for finding the best deals for holiday shopping.
Starting point is 00:23:27 And these aren't sketchy knockoffs. The truth is, most products you see online from furniture to fashion and gadgets. Our mass produced the same factories. Honey, go to dupe. Oh, we can't afford it? What about dupe? Brands slapped different labels on this crap. Dupe surfaces, those same prices, pieces for way less.
Starting point is 00:23:47 You're not overpaying. Honey, go to dupe. So what, your sister is the other thing. We'll get one on dupe. Your sister's a fool. She wants to spend all her husband's money. She's sick, your sister, honey. You know that.
Starting point is 00:24:01 she's a bad person and I'm sick of it just go to dupe and here's the kicker for limited time the first 10,000 people go to dupe.com slash tim will get 500 dupe points instantly redeemable for give cards no catch but spots are limited so don't wait that's dupe.com slash jim for 500 free dupe points today use your dupe points and give cards to make the most of your holiday shopping. Go to dupe.com, folks, slash Tim, dupe.com.
Starting point is 00:24:38 D-U-P-E. Don't be a dope. Go to dupe. The thing with having friends and going out in real life, one of the reasons you want to do it is so that you can meet people you don't want to be like. Your friends have uncles.
Starting point is 00:24:52 My friend had this uncle, we called him drunkle. He was a great guy. He had a chubby wife. They would drink and beat each other up. And he hung out with us all the time when he was drunk and he was angry. and he smoked, and there's a lot of great things about him. But we said we don't want to be him.
Starting point is 00:25:05 He lived in this basement apartment, him, his wife, he can hammer and fall down. And as fun as it was, we said to ourselves, this is a problem. But they were very fun people. They were good people, and they took us in and let us, you know, drink and use drugs in their home. But we, we, they just, you know,
Starting point is 00:25:28 there was a really, really fat guy once in a limo and we went to a strip club and this really, really fat guy I was like, when I get in that club, I'm going to fucking tear it up. And then he just slept. He fell asleep
Starting point is 00:25:40 because when you're that big, his body's working so hard to just stay alive. He fell asleep in the strip club. I'm sorry, in the limo before we got to the strip club. And then we all went outside to the limo and he woke up
Starting point is 00:25:54 on the way back to my friend's house where they were dropping everyone off. He had just slept the whole time in the limo and he had never made it into the strip club. And we said to ourselves, that, that's tough. He was a good guy, but he was so big that his body was working so hard to just stay alive that he couldn't get into the strip club. He fell asleep in the limo.
Starting point is 00:26:27 And we were in there a couple hours. He just slept in the, in the, he slept in the limo. It's just this really, really, really big guy sleeping in the limo. And it's important for you to see things like that as a kid to go, I don't know if I want that. I don't want that as a life. Doesn't mean you're going to be perfect. But you go, I don't want that as a life.
Starting point is 00:26:48 You know, like the drunk uncle would break up with the chick all the time. They'd have these screaming fight. She'd be banging on his door. They'd fight on the lawn. The neighbors would call the cops on them. and there was a they were fun but you would say I can't live like that too much chaos and that's why you need to go out but I feel like that I got to be honest not to sound too dark I just feel like that's not coming back like those real world experiences that are so
Starting point is 00:27:21 important aren't coming back where you know everybody's formative experiences now are all digital. They're all online. So people are just, again, smashing the face with the hammer, the looks maxing, the Bitcoin. I need to have all the money in Bitcoin. It's what young people do. I need all the money now. I want to drop ship. I want to have a Lamborghini. I want to live in Dubai. It's like, dude, relax. Be 19. Calm down. I mean, there's plenty of time. in life for you to get involved in some scam. It's like, you'll be around. Statistically, you'll be around to get in a scam
Starting point is 00:28:07 at some point in your life that won't work out. You don't need to do it when you're 12. You don't need to be in a scam at 14 years old trying to drop ship and playing these games. Like, people are just chasing. And online puts it all out there. it's like, you know, like all these coaches are always coaching people as to how to like just make millions of dollars.
Starting point is 00:28:35 And all these coaches do is drive around and have other people film them driving around in a Lamborghini. So, I mean, I don't even understand what the money is for at this point. And then all these young people are like, well, I got to make all this money so that someone can film me driving around in a Lamborghini. and then I don't understand. So what? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:29:01 I mean, then you have a Lamborghini. Okay. I don't. Is that all anyone wants is to just live in Miami and have a Lamborghini? It's like a horrible life. This is people that don't know any.
Starting point is 00:29:17 This is what you want when you're a 15-year-old. You want to have a Lamborghini and live in Miami? You think it's a good life. It's a terrible life. I know a lot of people that have it's like a terrible life. They live in like some white apartment that looks like they're living in a club. They upload photos to themselves on the terrace of that apartment, which is, are they paying for it? Who knows? There's a film crew that's always filming them go from room to room
Starting point is 00:29:42 to room. And then they get in the Lamborghini and they go out to clubs every night. I mean, it sounds funny if you're 14. When I was 14, that's an amazing life. Why would that ever get old? Hot chicks or hot dudes or whatever And there's a beach and you're in Miami It's not great I don't know one happy person that lives in Miami It has a Lamborghini
Starting point is 00:30:06 Not one Not one person in Miami that's genuinely happy That has a $300,000 car In Miami that's really happy It's I mean And again it's not It's not shitting on
Starting point is 00:30:22 people that want to make money but go do something you like you go one life you just want to make a bunch of money for what to get some whore some only fans whore in Miami
Starting point is 00:30:40 to ride around in a Lamborghini with you and do Coke like I understand that it seems great to be you know doing lines of Adderall at two o'clock in the morning wondering if some whore is stealing from your Miami apartment. I understand that that seems amazing.
Starting point is 00:31:01 Is this whore stealing my watch in a Miami high ride? I know that's what people want. But there's more to life. There's more to life than that, like a lot more. Truly, you'll be happier doing other things. You'll be happier doing other things with your. time than that. I know that's the goal. That seems to be the goal of like every person that exists on the internet under 25 years old. They all want to live in Miami. They all want to have a
Starting point is 00:31:34 Lamborghini and they all want to wonder if an only fan's whore is stealing their watch at 2 o'clock in the morning. Is she going through the drawers? What is she looking for? If that's the life and you want to go to the DJs, all these DJs. You go to DJs. You go to D.Js. And I like these guys. I like John Summit. I like these people. Enough with the DJs and the crap. Enough. Enough with this Coachella and all this garbage. Enough with this shit. Enough. It's not a life. It's not a life. It is not a life to go to Coachella and dress up like an Indian and stand there in 98 degree weather, you know, on like angel dust or whatever. I mean, they're not even doing angel. dust. They'd be more interesting. I don't know what they're doing. I mean, I guess they're on shrooms. What a bit, Molly, if they're on Molly, but it's not a life. It's not a life to stand at a con, stop with the concerts. It's another thing. Stop with the concerts. Enough with this crap. Stop with the concerts. Enough. It's not a life to go see live music. It's not a life with that, with these
Starting point is 00:32:47 concerts. These drug addicts, they get out of jail, they put them right on stage, and you pay $120 see some junkie with 15 children. Enough with the concerts. Stop. Stop with this. Every minute of the day, it's someone at a concert. No one has a dollar to their name.
Starting point is 00:33:09 No one owns anything. Not to sound like Ben Shapiro, but he might be right about that. Nobody has a dollar, and everybody's watching Billy Eilish. pretend to sing for three hours stop get a life, get a job truly stop with this crap
Starting point is 00:33:28 you're going to see a DJ enough with this shit the bottle service the Vegas and the fights stop with the fights stop with this UFC you don't have the money for that go get your own ass kicked
Starting point is 00:33:41 in the streets where you live where the government doesn't enforce the crime You go get jumped somewhere If you got a passion for that Stop going to UFC Cut it out It's not a life
Starting point is 00:33:59 It's not a life going to UFC It's not a life Sitting in the thing It's a UFC fight It's not a life It is not a life Not a life Stop this shit
Starting point is 00:34:14 I see all this crap online and these people just go from a Miami apartment to the UFC to a concert to see some junkie criminal and you know what I mean? It's what is this? What is this? It's a collection of meaningless shit. It's a collection of meaningless horseshit experiences.
Starting point is 00:34:35 It mean nothing. Yeah, you know, I saw John Summit at the dead. There we went. What the UFC? Then we went here. Then we went there. It's nothing. There's no through line.
Starting point is 00:34:47 There's no, there is nothing. What are your photos going to be when you're old? A photo of you at a day party and fucking at the win? What is this? It's not a life. It isn't. It's a collection of things that look like a life from the outside. I'm telling you, it's the, and this is what the internet does.
Starting point is 00:35:14 It gives you the idea that these things are alive. Well, I have a way. life. I went to Coachella. And we, no, no, it's wrong. It's wrong. You think it's a life because it's a photo dump. You went to brunch. You had a pancake that's, you know, some Asian talked about. And that's great. I like Asians. And I like what they're doing in the breakfast realm. But it's not the point. That's not the point. Oh, well, Tim, you have a pancake on your, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm in a game that I didn't create. What I'm saying is this.
Starting point is 00:35:56 The things you're doing are not a life. These random things you're doing that you're only doing because other people you know are doing them. Other people you know are doing the things that you are doing. Look, let me tell you something. And you need to hear this. we live in a world that's designed to steal from you. It's designed to leave the exposed and the greatest scam of all the data brokers.
Starting point is 00:36:19 These people are selling your life, your credit score and pictures of your grotesque family to the highest bidder. We all talk about her every move we make leaves a trail, a text, a pathetic post every time you buy a coffee. Nothing disappears, and that's a problem. After seeing what these scammers
Starting point is 00:36:30 and identity thieves are doing with stolen data, it genuinely hit me. We are all walking targets. I had a situation recently, and this is a true story where somebody was trying to open a bunch of credit accounts in my name. This is not true.
Starting point is 00:36:42 they had my old address, my phone number, even the name of my dog, which is confidential. Never had a dog. This information was out there sold by some loser data broker for $5. Criminals can open credit accounts, file tax returns, or even commit crimes in your name. These are all true things, which is not just apply to me. Just by buying up these pathetic little spreadsheets of your life, it's disgusting.
Starting point is 00:37:03 That's why you need to realize that incogny isn't just about deleting your data from a few lists. It's about removing yourself from the internet. It's about vanishing from the digital grid before it collapses and takes your identity with it. that's why I use incogny, and you should, too, and Cogny reaches out to these companies and tell them to delete your information. You give them permission once, and they relentlessly handle the rest.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Now they've launched this feature. It's brilliant. It's a total game changer. It's what you need if you have a stalker or an X. Or somebody who hates your guts. I'm talking about Incogny's new custom removal feature available in the unlimited and family unlimited plans. This is huge.
Starting point is 00:37:32 If you see your private information, maybe your actual homogessent phone number floating around on a specific scummy site, you can flag it, and incogny will go after it directly. This is the kind of protection you need when the world is full of psychopaths. and losers you want to ruin your life. Criminals use exposed personal information for scams,
Starting point is 00:37:46 talking harassment, other illegal activities. If you want to protect your privacy and take your information off the market before they use it to bankrupt you and ruin your reputation, go to incogny.com slash Tim Dillon. That's I-N-C-O-G-N-I.com slash Tim Dillon. Use the code Tim Dillon for 60% off an annual plan. This is actually a great thing because this is a huge problem, and I hear it from everybody.
Starting point is 00:38:07 You've got to get out there and protect yourself incogny.com slash Tim Dillan. Do you know the three T's of Thanksgiving, turkey for eating, table for gathering, and touchdowns for winning. With Draft King Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, every touchdown could bring you closer to cashing in before dessert. With Draft King's Sportsbook, all the actions in your hands,
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Starting point is 00:39:11 C.DKNG.com slash audio limited time offer. Like are this Sean Duffy, this guy who's running the travel thing, goes how Americans turn flying into assessable transportation. Secretary Sean Duffy urges travelers to dress up and be in a good mood. Hey, Sean, fuck you. Hey, fuck you, by the way.
Starting point is 00:39:31 Shut the fuck up. How about you get the planes in the fucking sky, you scumbag, and shut the fuck up. I'm sick of being lectured by this fucking government that knows nothing about what's actually happening out there, okay? First of all, first of all, the whole entire experience of travel has become an unending hell, okay? everybody is understaffed, there are delays at all the major airports, the airports are old, they've fallen into disrepair, the planes are old, the pilots are underpaid, the staff is underpaid. It's a horrible experience, Sean.
Starting point is 00:40:14 It's a bad fucking experience. Let's watch him. Let's watch this guy and fuck him. Something I didn't know in 2019, 400% increase of in flight outbursts by passengers. Because they've had it. Because they've had it. There should be more. Hold that.
Starting point is 00:40:31 There should be more outbursts on flights. You should get on a flight and start throwing haymakers. There should be a flight should be nonstop fighting from the minute you get on a plane until it lands. The way that you were treated when you travel in this country, there should be nothing but violence. from the traveling public who've had enough. Let's see a little bit of this year. ...incidence.
Starting point is 00:41:01 You want to change that. Yeah, so Donald Trump talks about the golden age of transportation, the golden age of America, but the golden age in transportation truly begins with you, the traveler. And so if you think... No, it does.
Starting point is 00:41:14 Stop that. How would it begin with me, you fucking moron? How would the golden age of transportation start with me when I get there? And I'm literally... The whole thing has nothing to do with me. I have no input on how anything's run.
Starting point is 00:41:29 I just show up. You buy a neck pillow and you get on the plane. I'm there 40 minutes before the flight, thanks to clear. How would the golden age of transportation start with me, you retard? Doesn't even make sense. The golden age of transportation starts with me. Do you have no... You're the Secretary of Transportation.
Starting point is 00:41:50 It should start with you. How about not passing the buck to me? Well, then what the fuck are you getting paid for, you scumbag? The golden age of transportation starts with the people. How about you whose job, you're the secretary of transportation, you fucking scumbag? At the baggage claim, you have passengers, berating gate agents. Because they're retards. Because they're fucking stupid.
Starting point is 00:42:21 Stop hiring stupid retards to work. and they wouldn't need to be berated. But since you keep putting these fucking Down syndrome people and no disrespect to them, by the way. I don't even like that I use that word. But you know what I mean. I have a cousin with Down syndrome. I have no problem with the Down syndrome community.
Starting point is 00:42:41 I like them. They're sweet people. It's not their fault. But even that you are putting people behind the desk at these things that shouldn't be there. And then I shouldn't berate them. Why should I not berate them? They're berating me.
Starting point is 00:42:59 They're berating me. Passengers on airplanes. People dress up like they're going to bed when they fly. You don't even have a tie on, you scumbag. They're having a hard time taking their luggage and getting in the oversized or the above bin. Help people out. Be nice. Be courteous.
Starting point is 00:43:18 And so we want to push people as we come into a really busy travel season. Help people out. Be in a good mood. dress up, bring civility back to travel, and I think everyone's experience is going to be that much better. Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't take off? Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't leave the runway?
Starting point is 00:43:38 Sean, you scumbag, you dirtbag, telling people to dress up. Get the plane in the air, you dirtbag. Why would I dress up to, I don't take these airlines, but why would people dress up to go to Frontier Airlines? Hey, Sean, their lives suck. That's why they can't dress up. They're going to identify the body of their daughter.
Starting point is 00:44:02 That's why they're taking that flight, Sean. Maybe they don't want to put on a nice holiday sweater. They're going to identify to see if the body in the lake is their daughter. And they don't have a lot of money so they're on frontier airlines. And the body's been in the lake for a few days. So it's starting to, the stomach's distended. But the facial features are still pretty intact, except where the wounds are. Maybe they don't want to put on a nice pantsuit so they can go down to Austin, Texas and identify the body in the lake.
Starting point is 00:44:39 Why do you think people are traveling, Sean? They're traveling because their lives are terrible. A lot of them. Some of them are going to the holiday, sure. A lot of them are just leaving under the cover of night Because they owe money and they're trying to settle somewhere else So maybe they don't feel like dressing up to get on a budget flight to Phoenix To work at another tattoo shop
Starting point is 00:45:03 And hope this one works I'm sick at people in government going Well the golden age of travel starts with you Dress up be courtee Hey Sean no one has any money No one has any goddamn money you fool Why isn't everyone dressed up on the Southwest flight? Because everyone's fucked.
Starting point is 00:45:26 That's why. Why wouldn't they help someone? Everyone helps people with the luggage. Nobody doesn't help people with the luggage. That's such bullshit. Get up, get up, spirit brawl and hit image. Spirit Airlines brawl. play something good
Starting point is 00:45:53 this is what it is this is what life is what year is this from it doesn't even matter yeah play this all you gotta be careful with Keith I want to I want to feel it no word on if any of the passengers involved are facing charges spirit is looking into it
Starting point is 00:46:13 well at the very same airport tense moments for passengers this is a delta flight where Hayes filled the cabin of a plane. Yeah, dress up. How about dressing up for that? Don't you want to dress up for the plane to go on fire? Columbia, South Carolina. But then came the haze.
Starting point is 00:46:30 Yeah. The crew declared an emergency. That's right. They immediately returned to the airport. Put on a nice shirt. The good news for the engine. Delta now looking into the cause of all that in here. Everything's a joke in this country.
Starting point is 00:46:42 Dress up nice. The planes are exploding in the sky. Dress up nice. Have a holiday spirit and dress up night. Every minute of every day, I don't know why I get every plane issue. Every minute I'm awake, I'm getting some type of communication that a plane has been forced to turn around, okay, over the Atlantic because a pilot is trying to kill themselves. Okay? Every minute of every day, there's some engine failure, a fuel leak, a hydraulics issue, smoke in the cabin.
Starting point is 00:47:19 an unruly passenger, a medical emergency. People just go, people go on planes right now and just die. And then they've got to land the plane. So this guy is basically like, why aren't you dressing up for what's going to be one of the worst experiences of your life? Now, here's one point he does have. You should dress nice when you fly
Starting point is 00:47:39 because it might be the last time you ever put on clothes. It might be the end. Might be dead. There's too many people flying. There's too much travel in this country. It is motivated by this lie that there is meaning to be found elsewhere. There is not. There is not.
Starting point is 00:48:01 Find a little corner of the world. Find a little store. Find a lesbian who makes a little donut. That's all, you know, you see her, you go there. And she'll be in early making a little donut, that little lesbian. And you go in there and sure she's feisty and not fun to talk to. You get a little donut, you get a cup of coffee, you walk your dog. Stop making this complicated.
Starting point is 00:48:25 Find a little coffee shop where a lesbian makes a little donut, a little fritter. But make it. I want to see them make it. I don't want it shipped in from somewhere. And I don't even like when they buy it. I want to see it being made by a lesbian. And then find an Italian restaurant called like, Mama Georgia, do you sell, blah, and go to that once a week and get a bowl of spaghetti
Starting point is 00:48:55 and talk to Mama Giorgio about all the migrants. And then you find the Chinese restaurant, you find a bar where you can go and talk to the bartender, you find a nice little gym, you find a little job, you find someone to share it with. and that's it that's it you're not this where are you going
Starting point is 00:49:22 stop are you going can you imagine we're landing in Vegas in 20 minutes for what for what for what
Starting point is 00:49:32 for what to see a DJ and have your friend fall and die because he falls off a balcony or something just stay in your look
Starting point is 00:49:45 just find a nice little town. You can still find them, by the way. There's not a lot of them. There's very few of them. You find a nice little town where you can get involved with a few nice restaurants in a pub and that's what you do.
Starting point is 00:49:58 Do not overcomplicate your life. You do not need a billion dollars in crypto. You don't need to be in Dubai because you're trying to not get kidnapped for your crypto. I was at a lunch yesterday and somebody's like, that guy's got a lot of crypto, but he always thinks it's going to be kidnapped.
Starting point is 00:50:14 I'm like, what is this? What is this? What lives is everyone created, by the way? Oh, he did real well in crypto, but he thinks he's going to be kidnapped like every night. He can't even sleep. Folks, just get his shepherd's pie to local pub.
Starting point is 00:50:29 It's ground lamb with carrots, some potato, some mashed potato, nice crust on top. You know, I mean, I don't know what to tell you here. I don't know what to tell you. You want to be in Dubai with a billion dollars of crypto worrying about being kidnapped. Can we stop this shit?
Starting point is 00:50:47 Stop this crap. Stop this garbage. Get out of L.A. No one cares about your script. Oh, you wrote a script. Cut this shit out. You think it's 2004. Stop.
Starting point is 00:50:59 Go be a teacher in Vermont. Just go be a teacher in Vermont. Teachers are lazy people. They are lazy people. They do almost nothing. Truly. Here's my impression of a teacher. Hello, everyone.
Starting point is 00:51:16 Welcome to the class. Today we're learning about photosynthesis. The light comes in and it does, you know, chlorophyll. It's all green. Fuck off. That's it. That's all they do. 100 grand.
Starting point is 00:51:35 And then every summer, they get to go out and, you know, stomp around, do whatever the hell they want, get a side gig just do that stop with this crap you're collecting all these experiences but they don't lead to they don't lead to anything
Starting point is 00:51:53 there are all these isolated events that are there to telegraph to other people how well you're doing or how much you're raging or turning up or whatever the fucking it just doesn't matter just have local fun and just be around
Starting point is 00:52:11 people that you have some level of comfort with everybody is over complicated life to a degree that's unimaginable. I have a weird life. I have weird friends and a lot of them have high profile things
Starting point is 00:52:23 and they're not happier than anyone else. Truly, it's a public service announcement. Now, I'm not going to be friends. I'm not going to like not be friends with them and be friends with you. What? Some of these psychos on Instagram are like,
Starting point is 00:52:37 why don't you get dinner with me? I'm a regular person. What? What? it's relax nuts but the point is this get a fucking so many people I know
Starting point is 00:52:50 they think life is such a complicated thing they stress themselves out these kids stress themselves out find a good scam find a nice little townhouse enough with the garbage get a dog get a dog not the shiba-enio I don't like that
Starting point is 00:53:08 it's too perfect looking I don't dig it Everyone else likes it I don't like that Australian Trepity than that Merle I don't like its eyes But get a dog Go on a date
Starting point is 00:53:20 Go on date night with the wife You take her on a little date night You go to the French restaurant in town You want to be in Dubai Going is that Is that a creek in the door Or is someone kidnapping me For the, am I going to get tied to the chair
Starting point is 00:53:36 And tortured for my crypto? That's happening to people all over the place. They're getting tied to the chair and beaten for their crypto. And that's what everyone wants. They go, I want to live in Miami and I want to get kidnapped
Starting point is 00:53:57 in the middle of the night and taken to a warehouse and tied to a chair and beaten for my crypto wallet password and wonder all the way there if the only fans' hoarer, I'm fucking gave them my address. The answer is yes.
Starting point is 00:54:16 Don't overcomplicate your life. I love aura frames. It's one of my favorite gifts. For a limited time, visitoraframes.com. I get $45 off or his best selling carver mat frames. Name number one by wire cutter. This is a digital frame. Unlimited free photos and video,
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Starting point is 00:54:46 promo code T-I-M. This exclusive Black Friday-Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year. So order now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Let's talk about something smart you can do before the year ends. Donate your car to cars for kids.
Starting point is 00:54:58 You've heard the name. You heard the song, 1-8-77 cars for kids. You can probably hum it. 1-8-77 cars for kids. You've got a car you don't need. Guess what you do with it. Cars for kids. two cars you only drive one cars for kids you got a car you swear you're going to sell but
Starting point is 00:55:15 haven't listed in six months donated to cars for kids yes that works you go to cars for kids slash tim you fill out a simple quick form they pick up your car for free you get a tax deduction vacation voucher and kids real kids get the benefit that's the cycle cars for kids help kids cars for kids help kids it's a season of giving so clear out the driveway do some good and start the new year with nice little tax deduction go to cars for kids dot org slash jim right now to donate Cars for Kids.org slash Jim, that's Cars with a K. K. I hear Cash Patel may be out.
Starting point is 00:55:46 I hear Pete Hegseth might be out. We don't know. Could be. Is this Russia-Ukraine deal going to go through? I don't even care right now. I don't even care about this Russia, Ukraine. I'm uninterested. Kalshu.com will tell you.
Starting point is 00:56:03 Who will leave the role in the Trump administration? 12% in Cash Patel. Here's what I'm saying. Okay? Be thankful for simplicity. This is really, really listen up here. Really listen up. Be thankful for the simple things in your life
Starting point is 00:56:22 reconnecting with people or, you know, having a good productive first date or something. Or working at Panera when you got out of rehab. Yeah, it's not the best job, but you just got out of rehab. You're lucky you're not dead. Be thankful for these things.
Starting point is 00:56:42 Truly. Be thankful for this. Local is the answer. Global is not the answer. Well, what's the Ukraine to shut up? Tell me about your deli. Tell me about the school you're going to send your kids to. Local is the answer.
Starting point is 00:57:01 Be thankful for local. I'm telling you. You know, I talk to so many people and so many, of them are insane and and their lives are so complicated and some of that's their fault and some of that's not their fault some of that's just the way it is and the way it goes but some of the happiest people I know there's such a simplicity to their life they've learned that they don't they don't need like everyone young people today everything's got to be dialed up to everything's got to be the craziest thing.
Starting point is 00:57:41 The richest. I'm the richest person. Like, everyone wants it, and you're chasing nothing. You're going nowhere. It's meaningless. The things you want are meaningless. Develop some faith. Engage in a healthy way with religion.
Starting point is 00:58:00 Engage in a healthy way with a passion. Truly, get a hobby. Get a partner. These are all important things. You don't need to be the richest person. You do not need to make all this money in crypto. You don't need to have, you know, you don't need to have a crazy social media presence
Starting point is 00:58:25 that makes people feel guilty or something. You don't need to, you can go have fun and not put it on Instagram. And I'm not saying don't go have fun or don't go have experiences, but cut it out with half of the shit you people are doing. Enough with this crap. Enough. All right, you know, Chaparone. Enough with this.
Starting point is 00:58:45 Who cares? Who cares? I know some guys are posting photos with Chaparro. Oh, I know, Chaparone. So what? Who cares? There's nothing cool about that. There's nothing cool about that.
Starting point is 00:59:02 I know Marjorie Taylor Green. How about that? You scumbag? well it's true I hope she's well she's left her she's left the Congress I'm just saying
Starting point is 00:59:20 that people need to people need to dial it down turn it down I would go to these people that they have all these dreams with the looks maxing they're all smashing their jaws with a with a hammer and go, this is, what kind of woman you get in here?
Starting point is 00:59:40 What kind of woman is requiring this of you to smash your jaw with a hammer like this? All you need to do is be a person. Learn how to be a person. I mean, I don't know. I'm just saying it's definitely, I did a J-Crew commercial the other day. It was a lot of fun.
Starting point is 01:00:00 There was a lot of kids on set because I was playing a coach and they were in the, it's like a short film for J-Crew. I play like a ski coach who was yelling at the kids. One of the children, a nine-year-old, started a rumor that I had a wig on. Okay? The other kids, he started a rumor that I had a wig on.
Starting point is 01:00:20 I started going back and forth with this person who was nine years old, who was actually very cruel. Another one of the kids, they were calling me Tim Cheese. They were doing the 6-7. They were trying to shit on me. I called,
Starting point is 01:00:33 one of them I was like oh yeah young Sheldon so I got him bad and I did hurt him I saw it in his face but they were pieces of shit to me they were vicious they were disrespectful they were not professional at all who weren't set they were actually not professional at all
Starting point is 01:00:51 and it was hurtful because I thought that there would be a level of respect and that their parents would have talked to them about who I was and things that I had accomplished but that's not what happened, okay? This show is like huge.
Starting point is 01:01:07 And not one kid cared it all about me. It was insults and insults and this one and that one and Big Back, that's the one I called Young Sheldon. He called me fat. Then it became about Israel. Here's the point.
Starting point is 01:01:22 Who are these little bums? I don't feel bad for them. I hope AI takes everything from them. I said that to them. I said, none of you will have jobs. AI will take it all. all. AI will take it all. Okay. So I'm just saying the experience I've had with that generation has been really negative. Really negative. They're just all sociopaths. Okay. Some of them
Starting point is 01:01:50 were okay, but like I'm, they were trying, like some of them were okay with the lines. I think I did a good time. I think I did well. It was an all day shoot. Everyone was getting tired and everybody was fighting you know but they held it together for the most part you know
Starting point is 01:02:12 but I'm just like I have a really limited interaction like I don't know what's going on with younger people I just know from what I saw I don't like it I don't like it I don't like it there's no respect for authority um
Starting point is 01:02:28 one of them through like a sloth thing me. None of it was cool. None of it was cool. So I'm just saying that I want to give advice to people and tell them that like all the things I see online
Starting point is 01:02:48 these trends are all ultimately very destructive and you know I'm really sick of you know we need to make things easier for younger people and we need to change the value system because the value system is like rotted. It's completely rotted and the lives
Starting point is 01:03:05 I don't know who these people are looking up to I don't know what they're not even watching movies like you used to want to live in like a nice tutor style house in an area with like changing you know changing seasons and you have a little family and everything like that that's like the dream the home alone kind of dream
Starting point is 01:03:21 you want a community you want a lot of people around you and now like everyone's like how wouldn't it be cool if I lived in Miami with an only fan's whore and we snorted Adderall and then someone kidnapped me because I have crypto And you're like, I just don't know what happened. I don't know how that became the goal of young people in this country.
Starting point is 01:03:40 It's like not good. Everyone wants to be some type of quasi-criminal who's like on a private jet landing at Opelock Airport in Miami, ready to go rage. You're supposed to be in the suburbs of America. Save the suburbs. That's what it should be. You need, it's a very, very simple thing. It doesn't need to be the craziest thing. You don't need to, you can go to Coachella once.
Starting point is 01:04:11 You don't have to go every year. You don't have to go every year. You don't have to go every year. All right? It's crazy. Oh, you're at the Caliucci. What's this at the concert? The Caliucci concert?
Starting point is 01:04:27 Hey, hey, hey, enough with this. Go to the dentist. Be a dentist. dentist. Go be a dentist. When someone goes, oh, I'm going to the Caliuchi concert, what are you doing? You go, I'm a dentist. I'm a dentist. You know? You know, it's a...
Starting point is 01:04:46 Play a little bit of that of the Caliucci concert, if we can. It's K-A-L-I, right? Caliucci. I have a friend who's on tour with him. I'm sure it's great. Can we play this? We're going to get... Played a little bit of it. It's good. Folks, you don't need to do this.
Starting point is 01:05:26 You don't need to do this all the time. You don't need to do this all the time. You know, this is all I see people doing. All I see people doing now is you just go to a concert. They just get, they just take drugs and go to a concert. Who cares? Go somewhere else. Stop this crap.
Starting point is 01:05:48 Don't get mad at me. I'm the messenger. I'm the messenger here. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. Thanksgiving dinner tough in a tough economy. Guess what? So what? Do half what you do?
Starting point is 01:06:02 Do half of the dinner this year. Do half of the dinner. Do half of what you usually do. And if people don't like it, have everybody bring one thing. And it's already over anyway. This comes to a Saturday. Who cares? I'm just saying that's what I would do.
Starting point is 01:06:18 If I was hosting Thanksgiving this year, you know what I would do? I would tell everybody, if you want to eat it, bring it. Bring it. If you want to eat it. Because I don't have anything this year. That's what I'd say. I know, I don't have anything. And when you're not coming in my house,
Starting point is 01:06:37 you're not coming in my house, we're going to sit in the driveway and we're going to solve the Charlie Kirk murder with Candace Owens. That's Thanksgiving this year. That's Thanksgiving this year. That's what it is. Come solve the murder. Solve the case.
Starting point is 01:06:53 I come in, I have a big whiteboard. You come over my house for Thanksgiving, a big whiteboard. and I have names and planes and that's what we're doing. We're going through the whole thing from the jump. That's what we're doing.
Starting point is 01:07:09 Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for all of you and obviously the people who watch this show. I'm thankful for you. I'm thankful for our brand sponsorships and partners that align with our core values and mission. I'm thankful for
Starting point is 01:07:27 friends and family I'm kidding I am I'm thankful for I'm thankful for the Mid-East peace agreement I am and I hope everybody there can just kind of take a moment because it's been a rough
Starting point is 01:07:45 couple of years for a lot of people over there and I hope they realize that life is so precious and it's time now for rebuilding and healing and not being a knucklehead because the last couple of years
Starting point is 01:08:04 people over there have been knuckleheads and dodo birds and if you're a knucklehead or a dodo bird it's not the way so what I'd like you to do if you're in the Middle East I'm not even specifying where but if you're in the Middle East Israel, Palestine, Libya, Lebanon, whatever
Starting point is 01:08:27 don't turkey Saudi Arabia even though you fired me I've moved past it don't be a knucklehead that's what I'm saying hey in Chicago everyone's shooting each other
Starting point is 01:08:42 stop doing that I'm thankful I didn't get shot in Chicago they shot seven people a few blocks away from my hotel I'm thankful for that stop shooting each other I'm asking you nicely now it's not
Starting point is 01:08:56 I need to think, oh, it's cool if I go shoot this guy. And maybe it is cool. I'm not, you know, I can tell you it's not cool. It's probably cool. It's probably cool if you shoot a guy. People will look at you differently. You'll be treated like a serious person. You might get a woman out of it.
Starting point is 01:09:20 It is probably a cool thing to do if you shoot someone in Chicago. and kill that person, because now you're a legit person. It kind of legitimizes you in the eyes of many people if you shoot someone in a callous way. Like if you shoot them in the face, if you get out of a car and then shoot someone in the face in the middle of Chicago,
Starting point is 01:09:43 it's probably a really badass thing to do. But still, there's other ways, you know? There's other ways to get those. things get to respect and the woman that is immediate probably if you shoot someone your cred goes up really high really quickly and people are like overnight people like wow that guy's fucking don't fuck with him but there's there's other ways to do that that might take a little longer you just have to kind of settle in and screw in for the long haul and they shot six seven people in Chicago right outside of the Chicago Theater.
Starting point is 01:10:30 And I'm grateful I was not shot. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for that. And I'm thankful for... Because I've played that theater a few times. I wasn't playing that theater. This time I was in some dump. And now we're outside getting some new material.
Starting point is 01:10:46 And thanks to everyone who came. But I've played that theater a few times. And so I'm thankful I wasn't shot. Walking around downtown Chicago, every day in this country that you're not randomly shot is something you should be thankful for. Every day you want to kill at a car accident, in a road rage incident,
Starting point is 01:11:07 every day that you do not contract some type of tick-borne illness. You should be thankful every minute that you are not victimized by some type of roving, frothing at the mouth, psychopath, who, you know, like we MK Ultrad somewhere and like pulled out of the military to put into some special crazy program and like put him in a room with loud music and then just release them as like some type of kind of assassin psychopath and they just wander the highways trying to kill people. Every minute that guy's not in your face is a good
Starting point is 01:11:46 minute. Be thankful for that. Every time you're not killed in a national park by whatever, because no one even explains what happens there. People just disappear. But any time you're not killed by some mysterious thing in a national park that nobody really wants to talk about, although there's area of these parks, you're like not allowed to go in and people don't really know what's going on.
Starting point is 01:12:06 Anytime that's not happening, be thankful. Be thankful. Be thankful. You know what I mean? Anytime your child doesn't call you and go, there was a school shooting, and my friend got popped, be thankful because you're living in America
Starting point is 01:12:25 these things are all tragic possibilities be thankful be thankful truly you don't have to jump up and down or whatever but like you don't need to be a millionaire
Starting point is 01:12:37 you just not you just be thankful for the simple pleasures if not having a home invasion wake you up in the middle of the night be thankful my friend woke up with a gun in her mouth
Starting point is 01:12:49 give us to Birken bags. Give us the bags. We'll get out of here. Be thankful. Be thankful that no one has woken you up with a gun in your mouth for your pocket buck. Yet. Be thankful.
Starting point is 01:13:04 Be thankful. Be thankful for all these things. Be thankful that you are not you know, in some type of crazy be thankful Israel's not blackmailing you. be thankful
Starting point is 01:13:24 be thankful be thankful be thankful you don't live in whatever in that disputed territory that Ukraine Russia thing up there in the north be thankful be thankful
Starting point is 01:13:40 that you are an American citizen with rights not a lot and they will go away but you have them now be thankful for that be thankful you don't need to be a crypto billionaire who's kidnapped and tied to a chair and beaten for their password so they can take the fake money out of your account and the only fans for you don't need all that you don't need all you don't need a camera crew that lives in your house
Starting point is 01:14:07 it takes photos of you driving Lamborghinis around a parking lot you don't need it you don't need it get a small little place and hang out there and live a life like a human human human being. You're not going to be able to do that soon. Everything I'm describing is the ultimate luxury. Soon robots are going to drag you out of your house and rape you on the lawn. And there's nothing you're going to be able to do about it. So be thankful that you can have a shitty little life. You're right at the end of humanity. You're right at the end of humanity. Be thankful you can have a shitty little life. Because it's not all going to be sunshine and song. It's not all going to be Coachella and cocaine.
Starting point is 01:14:54 We're heading to a real, real interesting situation. Be thankful that you can have a shitty little life in a corner of the world that is still pretty free for now. Be thankful. And I am very grateful and I am thankful for all of you. I was kidding about Israel. Love you. Bye!

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