The Uneducated PT Podcast - #50 Ciara O Connor - Binge Eating & Body Image

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

In this episode of the Uneducated PT Podcast we speak to Ciara O Conner a coach from Dublin who helps women with disordered eating and body image issues.Ciara talks about her own struggles with food and exercise and how she overcame these issues overtime and now helps others to do the same.Expect to learn about emotional or psychological triggers that often lead to binge eating episodes, how to shift from a cycle of guilt and shame around binge eating to a more compassionate and healing approach.What some practical steps and tools that people with bad body image can use to start developing a more positive and compassionate relationship with their bodies and much more.

Hello and welcome to the uneducated PT podcast with me, your host, Carlo Rourke. The goal of this podcast is to bring on interest and knowledgeable people from all walks of life, learn a little something from each conversation and for you, the listener, just learn something from each episode. So don't forget to subscribe to the channel, press the box below, show some support and I'll see you on the next episode. Kara, can you share what inspired you to work with people facing challenges challenges around body image and disorderly eating?

and talk a little bit about your own story and your own experiences and how you ended up in the work that you're in today. Yes, of course. Thank you for having me, firstly. But yeah, so I think the whole purpose behind helping people with body image and like relationship of food was just purely because of sounds very selfish,

but purely because of my own story. And I knew what it was like to be so alone in that journey and to have or to feel as though you had absolutely no help. and it took me a good couple of years to ever even get my relationship with food and body image, quote, unquote, on the right track. Because I didn't feel like, there's only now that I'm looking and I'm like, oh my God, there's so much information out there. But I honestly think that that's because I'm in the industry now that I see the information everywhere. But when I was going through it, I didn't have one person to tell me, I didn't even know I had body dysmorphia, didn't even know I had disorder eaten. I didn't know any of these things until it was literally displayed in my body.

image and I was on probably the spectrum of like just on the verge of anorexia and it was only then because people around me were worried about me I was just like oh actually maybe I do have an issue so I do think that that's mainly just bringing awareness to that and I feel like I've always been even on my social media I'm very much I would come across I hope like an open book I'm very vulnerable I talk about a lot of stuff and it's a lot of the taboo topics that we I'm sure we'll get into now, but like the likes of disorder eating, being on the verge of like such severe restriction and being so warped in my own mind that I was literally on the verge of anorexia, but then also swinging the opposite end where I feel like a lot of people don't speak

about enough is like the binge eating. And I feel like that's something that so many people are experiencing, but they won't talk about it and they just brush it under the rug as if it's like, oh, it won't happen again or it's nothing, you know, and it's a continuous cycle. And whether people are, you know, bingeing and then purging afterwards. Like, there's just, there's so many disorder things happening right now, which I'm sure you've seen in the, in the industry and working firsthand with clients. So yeah, I think that's just mainly what inspires me every single day to keep sharing a message. Even though some days I actually forget it and I forget that it's ever even helping anybody. But that definitely inspires me to kind of keep going and just keep sharing a positive

of message. Yeah, I definitely resonate with what you're saying in terms of, right, like, now that this is such a part of your life because you've gone through that journey, you see it everywhere. And that's almost your echo chamber of, like, you see what, what you're thinking about. But I suppose you back then, you're not seeing any of that kind of information because you're not even searching for that information. Like the people who need help in terms of like good messages, is like the message that you share, they're probably on the other spectrum of the internet that's a lot of kind of diet culture

and the fat loss and transformation, photo shoots and stuff like that. Yeah, and I think, again, we were just literally talking about like content and everything else, but I've got so, because I'm doing it so long, I'm probably doing it, well,

24 years now, that creating content at the start came so naturally to me and maybe that was because the journey was so fresh. But now I feel like I'm in an industry where I'm seeing it everywhere. So I feel as though it's not that it's not making a difference, but it's just like sometimes you can get in your own head.

I'm not going to act like I don't think like, what's the point? Like is anybody actually even seeing anything? Is anybody resonating? And I think, yeah, I just think because it becomes your everyday thing to do, you forget that there is people who haven't seen your content at all ever before, or haven't heard your message before.

And yeah, that's why I'm just buzzing to be probably back speaking on something like this because you do forget that there is people who literally have never heard your story before. Yeah. And you're writing and talking about content for old care or not for new care, but it could be hard to remember that. So hard.

Yeah. And there was something that you said there as well. And I think I see it a lot as well. It's like coaches end up becoming the person that coaches, that the person that they actually needed. And that probably relates to you. Yeah. I actually, I think I see a quote of something got to do with that as well.

like I think it was actually last night so it's funny that you've actually said that but yeah I just feel like I've slowly but surely morphed into exactly who I needed you know like when I first started out I'm not going to lie I was warped with diet culture like

you know 24 7 you know we all have the same 24 hours in today and all of that like you know kind of hustle culture I was definitely warped into that and self development and everything else and it's all great to a certain extent, but then it just gets a point where it's just like you're actually just

promoting disordered, eating, you're promoting disordered habits. And yeah, I slowly but surely had the confidence then to finally step into what I wanted to do. But I do think for a long time before that, because I was struggling with my own and I do think a lot of PTs or, you know, online coaches or just coaches in general hold themselves back because for me, for a long time, I felt like a fraud because I was still struggling with my relationship with food and body image as I became a coach. But I actually think that that's why most coaches become a coach is because they are struggling with those things. But I think at the time, I just didn't have any of that knowledge. I didn't know any coach struggled with that. So I was like, you were the biggest fraud ever.

Like how can you tell someone one thing, but you're over here also struggling with your body image and your relationship with food? And I think that was the hardest battle for so long that I didn't allow myself to kind of really step into body image and relationship with food until I felt like mine was really in a good place or at least quote unquote I hate the word but under control

because the fraud stuff just got to me so much so I don't know if you can relate to that in any way but it's funny that I just think now that's been so normalised that it's actually okay for a coach to struggle with X, Y and Z and also

still be helping. Do you know I remember one of my coaches said to me like, you go like just because a therapist is a therapist doesn't mean that she doesn't struggle with her own head, you know, and I think that's the same for us. And I just think we, we just don't think like that sometimes when we're in it. Well, that's, yeah, that's us being, being up in our heads, isn't it? But I completely agree. I think, I think, like, I've always said this time and time again that personal traders and online coaches are the most insecure people in the world.

And I'm not saying that from like a place of judgment. I'm the most insecure person. the world, do you know what I know, and I'll go on about X, Y and Z. And like, people would say to me, oh, are you so confident, like, you know, talking in front of a camera or doing this and I'm like, if only you knew. I know. This is the bizarre thing. I think people do see on a camera and it's like, they might have the ball to speak on a camera, but I'm like, honestly put me in person, put me in a group set and put me in anything. And I'm like, I can also shrivel up into this insecure, shy person.

So I do think we all just have our own struggles, but I don't know where this idea of being perfect or acting like we had no struggles came from, because I definitely fell into that for a long time and hid my binge in, I hid my relationship of food, I hid the fact that I struggle with my body image for so long that

it actually just ended up eating me up. And then I was also sharing on social media at the time, and it was just constant conflict in my head. So yeah, it was wild. wild one. So for people who might not understand about body image, like how did

poor body image typically manifest itself in your daily life at the time? Yeah, good question. So yeah, per body image, I think for me I started when I was obviously very young. I think it was maybe like 14, 15. And for me, I always just felt like the fat friend.

And I couldn't explain to anybody. Like if you asked me what I was feeling, probably now I'd understand. But back then I didn't understand what I was I was actually feeling but I do think the root of that was I'm not good enough but it manifested in I was looking at all my girls and I was like using getting attention off the boys I don't feel like I'm getting attention I feel like I look different to you's and yeah it just kind of manifested in so many different ways and in the sense of like afraid to be in bikinis afraid to be in photos and just constantly feeling so different and just not good enough

compared to my friends and none of them ever made me feel like that but that was just something that I kind of grew up believing and then for me it just kind of turned into okay well I'm going to change that about myself if that's if I'm not feeling good enough because of how I look um which wasn't actually the case but that's kind of how I understood it in my head I was just looking at my body and being like okay well I'm not good enough because I don't look like these girls so I was like I'm going to go and change all of that and I slowly but surely going into the gym and doing cardio and like looking after my food and for the first while I didn't really see any results until like I swear to God I literally woke up one day and I was like oh well you look very different but I won't lie

and say that I didn't like I absolutely loved that because I'd been so warped in my head convincing myself that I was going to be I was going to feel different once I got to this leaner body and once I got to this thinner body and I was finally going to be good enough and slowly but surely as I see myself getting into a leaner body I was like this is absolutely great this is fantastic and it just kept getting worse and worse and the more that people hyped me up

being like you're so motivating you're this or you're that it almost spiraled me even more to keep going and keep going and keep going until there was literally like nothing left of me and even at that point I'm not going to sit here and act like

that was even the scariest point for me either because I was so like I can tell you how obsessed and like disordered your brain becomes in the sense of like I knew I was so tin but because I was maybe finally getting attention even if it was in the wrong way I was feeling like oh I must be doing something right here because I'm finally getting attention and now obviously looking at that you can see there's a lot of childhood stuff there but it's the attention and it's the not feeling good enough that I really kind of want to emphasize because we are.

assume that we don't feel good enough just because of how we look rather than seeing I didn't feel good enough because of so many different things that had probably gone on in my life. Obviously at a young age, I never understood that. So I think my body image, even then, even though it was like I was still, I was loving it and whatever, it was still so warped that I never taught. I was tin enough. And I just kept going and kept going until I eventually, obviously had to get help because I was on the verge of anorexia and my

mom and dad and everybody else was so worried about me. Did you come to the realization that you needed to get help or was it other people kind of? Other people. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't me. I definitely didn't volunteer for that one. You were grand on your head.

I was like, I'm fine. Like, don't worry about me. But I do remember like not really, I didn't want to help and I was in denial, but I was also I remember just breaking down one day. that I came home and I could see my man was like just furious with me like because I she couldn't get true to me and but I remember just coming in and I just broke down one day and I was like

mom I just can't do anymore I was like everything I eat I have to outrun I was like I can't coach. The day understands what was going on because like obviously um you know I would I would say that this generation our generation are probably a lot more aware of these kind of conditions than they would have been back then. Yeah, I can say no. They honestly, to be honest, they just didn't have a clue what was going on. I don't even think they knew the words for it.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, and I do think that that's just an Irish mentality. If we're kind of getting into that, I just think it's like brush things under the rug type of thing. It's like try and get them help, but like just brush it under the rug and we'll never talk about it again. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I just remember.

She's just a bit odd back here. one. She's just going through something at the moment. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I remember just coming home and breaking down and I think that was the moment for me that I was like, okay, I'm ready for some change, but it has to be

small, it has to be minuscule. And yeah, slowly, but surely, I obviously went to kind of went to therapy true, I think it was, I don't know, it was true doctors and stuff, but Were these therapists specialized in disorderly

and a body image and... They were from, you know, Jigsaw. So they... I think they were specialised, but I think even back then, like now I'm thinking like what, I don't know what year that would have been, but like,

they just weren't equipped, I don't think, because they came in from my perspective, they came in so hot and heavy. It was like, okay, we're going to get rid of my fitness pal. You're going to stop doing this. You're going to stop doing that.

And to be honest, from my experience, anybody who's in that, they need leeway. They need some control because you can't take it all away from... You can't take all my control away from me right now. It's like it's enough for me to even want to be here and get help.

Yeah, yeah. And you need to have trust in that therapist as well probably. Exactly. So coming in on the first session being like, we're going to do X, Y, and Z. It's like, oh, slow it down. I'm going to run the other way if you keep it up. So, yeah, she did kind of come in a bit hot and heavy, so I didn't really like that. And I was in a bit of denial.

And then I think I wanted everyone off my back about it, but I wanted the, to stay disordered. Does that make sense? So I didn't actually really want the health. I wanted to just get everyone off my case. I was like, I'm going to eat a little bit more, but I was doing it in a controlled manner. So everything was tracked, everything was weighed. Even if I was eating more, it was weighing my bleeding iceberg lettuce at like, do you know what I mean? Like just such disordered stuff that you're like, you don't need to weigh that, but that kind of kept for everyone else's sake, that kept them happy, you know? And I was like, well, I, still get to control my food. I still get to control my body image. So I don't ever go back to that

place that makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Yeah. You know, so I slowly but surely started eating more and started eating more. But then what happened was I, because of this, I suppose, eating more. I was like saving all of my calories for the evening time. And I remember, like, every evening I'd be just like a bloody, like my stomach would be so rock solid because I was at there shoving about like 1,500 calories into my mouth because I was like, this is great. I've so much food for the evening, you know, probably eat so little during the day, but then I was like, I've loads to have in the evening. But then I think what started to happen in was that that started to just become like a binge, but a control binge. One that I felt like, okay,

well, I'm burning three thousand calories on my watch. So as long as I eat below that, I'm absolutely fine. And that's kind of slowly what surely started to happen. And then I think my routine, life was changing. I think I was going into college and stuff. And everybody knows if you're stuck in a very rigid routine, the minute that that starts to change,

you troll an absolute hissy fit. So things started to change for me. I think I was doing a PT course at the same time. Like, I was constantly running away for myself. My day was like jam-packed from morning to night. And this is kind of when I started experienced more frequent binging.

and it became like I went from every night or not every night sorry once a week probably down to every single night and and I literally had went from like probably coming home like I was like in a lean body let's just say and or a smaller body and then I went to being in a much bigger body and for me I couldn't I couldn't comprehend because I was such a motivated I was known as such a motivated girl who went to the gym yeah I was still going to the gym all the time. yeah, I was getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And for somebody, I couldn't explain that to anybody who ever looked at me. So I used to just go up to people, anybody who hadn't seen me in a long time, I'd be like, oh, yeah, hello. I know I've put on weight.

And I would address that about myself because I was so afraid of people's judgment that I wanted to get there first. Yeah, you wanted to, so they couldn't hurt you. You say it first. I say a first, yeah. And I knew everybody was even, like, I remember working,

or when I work at the time, I remember working in pennies and, I had like an extra large top on me at the time and I was still experienced like I was binging in pennies in the toilet like bringing food in with me and I remember one of the managers just turning around to me and she was like oh like now obviously we know you never obviously say this to someone but she just pulled me aside and she was like I just want to ask like are you like pregnant or something and like I mean that like broke my entire world because I was like couldn't also understand at the time why I kept eating and why I just couldn't

stop. But it was just happening every single day. It was like a genuinely like a like a what's the word like a compulsive behavior maybe. Yeah. Yeah. So I just couldn't I couldn't stop it and I remember hearing that and I was just like

that was like probably one of the worst moments for me but I remember the months after that they just kept getting worse and worse and worse and and I just got to a point where I was just like, I was so down on myself and so down in my body image and how I had got to this place that I was just like, I actually don't know if I want to be here anymore. And that's for me, that's, it sounds so extreme because it's like, here you're just battling with food. But I honestly don't feel like I was. I was battling with something that I couldn't explain to anybody else. I couldn't explain. I always said to people like it's, it's never about the field. It's never about to field. And I was, it was like, even there's. been people like that I've come across and that I've worked with in the last while that like binging is a form of self-harm in in its own way you know I'm just using food but because it's

food and it's something that we all enjoy on a day to day basis people didn't see it as such a big thing but I may as well have been self-harming because it was making it was spiraling me into this absolute cycle of like self-hatred of disgust of shame of anger at myself and that was only propelling the cycle forward and forward that every single day I was getting up. It wasn't even happening in the night time. I was getting up and I was binging in the morning. And it just followed me and followed me and followed me until I got to a point, like I said, that I was just like, I don't think I want to be here. And because I was so afraid of those thoughts and where they were going, I was like, I have to go get myself some help. I was like,

I have to call someone. So I remember taking myself. Were you finished with therapy at this point? I was finished with Jixot. Yeah. I had left. Yeah, I had left. Yeah, I had left jigs off. But then this was in and around before, just right before I had become, I was actually before I even became a qualified PT. But I remember just thinking when I went to get to get myself help, she was like, oh yeah, we're going to get you, I'll put you onto psychiatrists and everything else and get you a whole team.

And I remember having the first call, we had just gone into lockdown on the first call with a psychiatrist. And he was like, yeah, yeah, can you like obviously describe you haven't any of these taught X, Y and Z, and I was like, yeah. And he was like, okay, so what we're going to do is we're actually going to put you on an antidepressant. And I was just like, I am absolutely not depressed. I was like, and for someone who genuinely didn't know what was going on with regards to the binging and just like I felt like I couldn't control myself, I knew one thing for sure and that wasn't that I was depressed.

I was like, I need someone to talk to. So I remember I'm saying that, but because the lockdown had just hit, everything was at a standstill. So I finally had a minute to, grade. My day wasn't jam-packed. I wasn't running from thing to ting to ting and of course, anybody who is probably a bit disordered like myself and with food and body image, you always think like I taught myself, I just want to get back to my lean burden because I know that that will fix everything. So of course, when lockdown hit, I was like, let's just get a coach. Let's get a coach who's going to give you a meal plan. He's going to help you with your body image. and yeah I had myself convinced that that was that was the answer that I needed I just needed to get back to my restrictive self and I needed to get back to the leaner version because I was like once I get back there everything will be under control and that's the thing that we convince ourselves of I know if anybody is struggling with vinging out there you convince yourself that once you get things back under control it's all going to be fine again but it only takes another weekend away or anything to mess up something.

that control a little bit again and that control is down spiraled into the lack of control and then you're just you know you're binging on everything so yeah sorry I just kind of stopped there and what and so you so what happened then with this coach

this meal I presume it was like a transformation type of coach yeah transformation for anyone that's not listening if these are kind of issues that you resonate with you would probably agree it's probably not the best route to go down absolutely. I'm 100% I'm going to say I'm going to put my hand on my heart

and say it's 100% the wrong route for you to go down. As much as you will convince yourself that like I just said that once you get back to that leaner version everything will be okay but I can promise you that yeah it's not it's not like these abs your body image nothing is going to change

because this is all within you and yeah I was put on a meal plan and every week I was like I'm not going to say he was judging me harshly but it was just real like, why are you not losing weight? But that was also upon me to be like, well, I'm not losing weight because I keep bloody binging. That's their metric of success as a coach,

and that's the metric that then that will push for you to achieve because that means that they're successful and it means that you're successful, even though that's not what... Even though we're all going to be probably a bit disordered, but we'll push it on you in anyway. So, yeah, and I just think that that's... I suppose if I can urge anything, it's just not to go down that route because if anything that's just I feel it only pushes the message further and further into you that you need to be leaner that you need to be leaner you need to control your food you need to control your food and if anything if you're stuck in a cycle whether it's restriction or binging you need to do the opposite of those rules and it does go against everything that this industry does probably like any sort of diet culture says but for you to really come out of this cycle you honestly need to do the opposite of everything that I'm after to describe and get you.

getting on a meal plan, getting a coach that is just solely fat loss based or results driven based. I'm really going for someone who's going to honour your relationship with food and understand you a little bit more. But yeah, it didn't, like it took me a long time to realise that

because I think I masked that for about a year again that I was like, I'm going to just stay on a meal plan, I'm going to keep trying and trying and trying. And it wasn't until the binge and just kept happening that I was just like, I remember coming across one person online and she was great

and she was only obviously starting her online and whatever else and I was just like she is getting me she is understanding me she is talking about relationship with food I was like why does she she feel so relatable and I remember just being like I actually just can't do this anymore so I was like I'm gonna have to either take this serious

or this is gonna consume my entire life did you reach out to that person then? I reached out to yeah her name was I think you might know or it was a Syracorec I always call her Saz but Syracolopee Oh yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I reached out to her and, yeah, it was the best thing I ever done.

Isn't it funny the way that at the very start of this conversation, we spoke about how sometimes you feel that your message isn't coming across or no one's listening to it. But then there's you who just needed one person to understand where you're coming from to actually get you out of that cycle. I know, it's what, and sometimes you do, you really do doubt yourself in the sense of like, I don't think I'm making a difference.

But like you said, it's just one message that someone can come across and it's like a light bulb moment for them. Yeah. And you need to hear that message at the, at the right time because you could have probably, that, like, that person could have came across maybe two or three years ago and like maybe the message was always there, but you just didn't see it because you weren't ready to see it. Yeah, I think people will only accept the help when they're either in a place or, yeah, I think they, like you said, they're ready to. Yeah, yeah. So what, so what happened then? So let's say, so you worked with this coach and what were the kind of steps that were taken in order to put you on a path where,

you know, you're improving your mental health, your well-being and your relationship with your body image. I think there was a lot of just reducing, because I was masking a lot in, I got into running at the time, I just remember now and I was masking a lot of, yeah, shock running away from something.

but I was masking a lot through running and I didn't realize that at the time because I just remember being so delighted that it was running loads my body image was slowly but surely changing but I've still experiencing those binging so when I signed up with her she was like we're going to 100% have to reduce

how much you are walking because I was doing like 20,000 steps a day like ridiculous stuff and she was like we're going to have to reduce that so I still had some control I'm still tracking my food and just reduced kind of the walk and took the steps down a notch

took training down a little bit of a notch not anything drastic just one or two days Was that even difficult Like would you say were you Were you a difficult client to comply with that Or were you? I was a difficult client at the start yeah

But because I do think it helps When she was just so harsh In a sense Not in a mean way But it was real like She didn't entertain my bullshit Yeah And for so long

I got away with people entertaining my liars and my cover-ups, whereas she was just like, no, you're going to do this. If you don't want to do it, then leave, essentially. And that was kind of the best kind of tough love that I needed, because like I said, totally depends on, it's totally dependent on the person, but I was just full of bullshit at the time that I was like, I'm just going for a walk,

but I was really doing it for an alternative's emotive, essentially. So I was difficult at the start, and then I remember I actually saying this on shame, main podcast as well. I remember her telling me then we had worked a good couple of weeks on this, but she was like, we're going to have to take off the watch. And I was like, absolutely. I was tracking the steps. Oh, take off the watch and not know how much you're burning on a day. Absolutely not. So I do remember a couple of times she was like, take it off, put it in a drawer, blah, blah, blah. I put it in a drawer and I took it back out then. And I'd put it back on me.

And there was a couple of times that. But then it was just like, I was only fooling myself. Do you know what I mean? So I'm checking in with her and she's like X, Y and Z or she's asked me certain questions and I'm just like, it just got to the point where I was like, who are you lying to? Because you're honestly just you're only lying to yourself.

And yeah, so I eventually did like a lot of work, but I did take the watch off. I put it away. Was reducing my walk and was reducing my steps. I did experience and binging as I was working with her, which is totally normal. by must I just say

when you do work with a coach and something like this it is normal that you're going to experience probably more binging but if anything that's the best thing ever because the coaches

she helped me understand what was going on previous to the binge why I then binged and just a lot of like changing up my food allowing a lot of balance in things like I remember

writing lists of food that I wouldn't have and slowly but surely each day even though it's not about the food but you can really use the food to encourage someone to see that

that it's okay and it's safe to have balance. And it's safe. Getting back to trusting yourself almost. Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't trust myself. So the minute I started incorporating these things in, I started to trust myself around them.

And that just got better and better. But I suppose one of the things I'll always say as well that I completely stand by is also just feeling safe in that with that coach. Like that's such a big thing because if you don't feel safe, I don't feel like you'll be able to progress as much as you possibly can. And I think she fit. she made me feel safe in so many different ways from whether it was my ability to be vulnerable,

whether it was the non-judgment or how she even approached the whole like check-ins and not having to take photos and all these different things. It was just so, it was so orientated around repair in my relationship of food. Yeah.

And that was honestly, that was something I had never experienced before. So I did feel really safe for her. And I think that was just that then almost kind of, it was like I jumped my cycle from what should have taken probably a long time

it really didn't take me that long to start grasping things because I trusted her she didn't take my shit you know she was on point with everything she was saying or check in responses everything was just like it was moving so fast

but not so fast that I couldn't grasp it and so yeah it was a really not that it was a really quick process and I think it was working for her nearly nine to ten months but I really kind of I think I was just at a point where I was like I really want to fix this and I really want to

you know be in a better place and it also helped as well that I did in I didn't have the pressure but I really wanted this for myself and I also wanted it for my future and my career that I was like I'm going this way I was like I really want to help people because I know what it's like to struggle with this so not the quicker but the more effort that I put into my own relationship

with food and body image, the more that I can help someone else. And I was like at this point, I was helping people already when I was working with Sarah, I was already helping people online with coaching. So it was even more of a time. Which also helps you because it's like, you're learning something and

then you're giving it away to someone else who actually reinforces the message that you want to do. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, that was, that's kind of my journey in a nutshell. I don't know if I went too fast. That was perfect.

To be honest, most of the questions that I was going to ask you, you've kind of really touched on all of it in your story, which is actually really great, because obviously the best way for people to learn is to hear from people's stories. Like there's a few things that I wrote down there, like even when you said about like safety, like having emotional safety with a coach and not feeling judged. And obviously a big thing that doesn't help in terms of repairing your relationship with food

is obviously having guilt and shame, feeling judged, or judging yourself around your food decisions and being able to remove that as much as possible, obviously is going to help to repair that relationship. One thing that I wanted to ask you, and you did touch on it a lot, but maybe just to re-emphasise for anyone listen,

that might be kind of in that situation, but not actually realizing that they're in that situation, so needs that awareness to understand what's going on. So what are some of the early signs or red flags of disorderly and that people might look over or might be doing now that they don't realise they're doing and I know you touched on them

but great question yeah I think the obsessiveness with the watch that that's one thing sorry that's just like that propels us I think into a cycle of disorderly and because

people are just masking it now as like oh I just need to get my steps but like when you can't go to bed sitting on nine tells and steps that's an issue you like if you have to get up out of your bed to go and finish those steps is a bit of an issue and you can call it what you want of like I'm hitting my goal and stuff but it's like I think there's there's planning and there's hitting a goal and everything else and having that kind of structured in your day but then there's like things like getting up out bed like I've heard so many stories where people do that because of a watch and I think fasten is if it's done depending on people will call it intimate fasten so many different fasten but I think if you're really just because of you're really just because of a watch and I think if you're really just because of you're you don't want to eat that many calories during the day. I think if that's your top process behind fasting, then I would look at that as a bit of an issue. I think you're overtraining

if you're doing that based on like, oh, I had a bad weekend or I done this or I ate too much food and then you're going and like do more cardio or anything along those lines. I think that's a bit of a red flag already. Let me think I think I do have a good few. Numbers in general, isn't it? Like whether it's, whether it's fracking your steps, obsessing about calories and tracking your calories, obsessing about the scales, all these numbers are just ways of you to kind of control. Yeah, I think control is a big thing, but I don't think a lot of people even know the word, let's just say, control that they, if we can just be, yeah, if it's just be numbers like you're obsessiveness with the scales or constantly having to check your weight to make sure it hasn't gone up. There's another good one there that I had in my head.

body checking is actually an interesting one that I do think we mask. I do still catch myself. It's not to say I also want to just emphasize as well. Like when I'm talking about these things, it's not to say that I don't struggle with bad body image. It's not to say that I don't do these things. But it's just if you've the awareness and you don't act on those thoughts, completely different thing.

But the body checking, something that I would still do. But it's not to the extent of like I'm not pulling at myself. I'm not picking myself apart. I'm not being like, oh, do I? still have this. It's a spectrum, isn't it? It's like, yeah. It's not like, all right, I'm healed from my relationship now. I know. It's on off switch. It's like, okay,

now I'm not absolutely destroying my day-to-day quality of life. What's going on? Yeah, I think that's the thing is that I suppose when you're in the black and white, people want to hear black and white. But the only thing I can encourage is that there's so much grey area and so much balance to be found in this is that, like, you know, I can go and train five days a week or I can train on holidays now and that's not disordered for me. So I always think if I can give any red flag,

it's probably just your mindset behind these things. That is a bit of an, like I could stand on the scales tomorrow and then not affect me. I could body check. Like there's such a, there is a spectrum of where you may fall on, but I think it's your mindset behind the things that you do on a day to day basis that makes it a red flag. You know, because there's a lot of things that I would do or even have a bad body image days or whatever. But, I don't then act in the behaviours that I would have previously then because of that. So what are some positive steps or practical steps or tools that people who have bad body image issues can start using or developing to create a more positive or compassionate relationship with their body?

Like what even was like some of the mind shift changes for you? I think really, and I know people are probably sick of this, but it's like really appreciating all that your body does for you every single day. Like I think people actually, we take it for granted and I do, I used to hate, you know, when you're like someone, your mate comes in with such a positive perspective and you just want to rant, I get it. I understand it can be very annoying. But what I'm trying to say is sometimes we just need to zoom out that we're so fixated on how we look,

but we forget that we're literally walking around every single day. We can eat food, we can train, we can do all of these amazing things that every like up and down, heartbreak, everything that you have gone through, your body has been with you through. And I think really appreciating it that it is your home and it is something that's with you for the rest of your life. And sometimes we treat it as if it's not. And that's where I think that this whole like bad body image because we're so hateful towards it and we're so, um, critical of it. But I think number one, just being aware of what it does for you on a day to day basis. But really coming in with this best friend and people probably hate that as well,

but I never shut up about it. But it's like if you woke up, you know, one of the mornings and your best friend was beside you and she was screaming and shouting and being super critical of you from the moment you woke up to the minute you went to sleep, you tell her to fuck off. You wouldn't accept that. But because it's inside of us and it's our own voice, we mask it and we just allow it to happen. And it's just like you wouldn't accept that with your friends. So it's like you can't accept that from yourself. And I'm, I also think mindfulness is great. Mindfulness just allowed me to become more aware

that I was just like the observer of my thoughts. I wasn't actually them. So any thoughts that came in about my body image or when I'd want to jump to hate and like all of those hateful thoughts that came in about myself, I realized that I actually, like they were just tossed

and I was just observing those thoughts happening within myself. And I know that that can seem a little bit deep. But when you actually sit down, you might realize, okay, my head's a bit chaotic, but the more that you train yourself to sit down in silence or a bit of music playing or a guided meditation, whatever it is, you'll realize that you have all of the power.

You know, and I just don't think when you're in, so deep in that cycle, you don't think you've any power. You're so helpless, you're so hopeless, and you think that probably your body image is never going to change or it's never going to get better or once it does, once you do change your body image that the tots will change, but they don't. They just shift to something else or something,

little bit more negative where they pick you apart even more. So it's really training that that inner critic within yourself to be quiet, you know. That's that's that's the complete opposite of how you suggested you lived your life when you had disorderly and a bad body image. It was that you were constantly on the go all day. Yeah. Trying to distract yourself or to yeah. And I do, I am very aware as well like, you know, I don't want to sit up here and be like, you know, have a slow lifestyle because I understand that people are, you know, people do have busy lifestyles, but there is so much mindfulness that you can create in your day, whether it's driving to work, being a bit more aware, whether it's when you're eating your lunch, you're

being a little bit more mindful eating. But there's so much, you don't have to be sitting down seven hours a day to have a slow lifestyle. It's actually creating that slowness within yourself that I think is really important. But yeah, they'd be some of my, some of my main tips, but just like challenge your tasks because they're not really real. So you used to train an exercise and do cardio to get as thin as you can essentially. So why do you train now? I think because of... I've seen you doing your cleaning jerks earlier.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's the funny thing as well. And I don't want to overcomplicate things for people as well. But I just find that humans are bizarre and we're just so funny. but we kind of, I wasn't getting my work from X, Y and Z anymore. And I literally just spoke about that my story, but you find your worth in other places. And the gym was definitely a place that I found it in.

But I think the reason I train now is genuinely for that feeling afterwards and to see what my body can honestly do. Like if it doesn't want to push some days, I'm totally fine with that now. But on the days that it does want to push, I'm so intrigued to see how much stronger. you can get not only physically but mentally. And I think that's why I do even like the likes of CrossFit or a hybrid training now because it's just so interesting.

I think that's one thing that really can enforce this whole idea. It doesn't have to be super intense workout. It can even be the likes of yoga and stuff. Yoga. It's great for a positive body image. But it really just reinforces this idea of like, wow, look at what my body can do every single day for me. You know, and I'm so focused on picking it apart because it doesn't look.

a certain way. Isn't it funny that it can be the same action or behaviour whether that's going for a run, go and train and eat in a certain field but it's the intent and your perception around that that matters really. Yeah. Yeah. That's a big thing.

I've three more questions for you and I always ask these questions at the end of a podcast. These are the wisdom questions. So if you go to give your younger self one piece of advice knowing what you know now, what would it be? Oh, um, first one that came to mind is just

don't be so consumed by how you look because how you look honestly doesn't affect anybody around you and nobody remembers you for being a size six or size eight or having the best abs at the table they remember you for the energy you brought. Did you listen to someone? Did you make someone feel at home

or welcome or safe? These are all qualities of people that I remember about people. You know and even looking back and now any of my friends, I've never once remembered them for how they looked.

I have, I always, I used always put this post up as like, no one's going to your funeral and talking about what you ate. Or what you ate or how motivated you were talking about. I always started with John was such a lovely man. He weighed 62 kilos. So it is true now, isn't it? Oh, absolutely no one.

Yeah, but if losing weight or getting in shape or whatever it is, means that like you're more whole person so then you can do that for other people then yeah it can be a net benefit. Yeah I do think and that's also sorry to just cut across you on these three questions but I do think that's like something that people again this people just want black and white so they'll take my message and be like oh she means like you can never change your body image but it's like I can have goals now about my body image if I want to change my body image I can do that but what I'm saying is it's always it like you just said the intent behind it it's not self-hatred it's like

there is a lot of people out there who are going to be happier healthier people if they change their habits and behaviors but i do think again it's it's yeah it's just it's totally dependent on the person and i think most people are most women who come to me now they are fat loss clients but they know that they probably have a disordered relationship with food so they're like okay i want to work on this and then we can work on that do you think that you found self-acceptance and inner peace or is it a work in progress still? I definitely think, don't think I have inner peace, but I definitely have self-acceptance for my body and that has been a long road to get to but the, I can't explain like not caring about a role

on my stomach over my shorts. Like what, maybe that actually is my inner piece with regards to my body image because now my inner piece is not revolve. like my head isn't revolved around how I look and what food I eat and that probably from the background I come from is actually inner peace. But the acceptance that I have and just known that my body is so intelligent and it will tell me exactly what I need to do for it and when I need to do it. And I think that's what most people do and they honestly think I'm probably making that up but I can promise you that people are so worried about putting on weight and everything.

But I'm like, if you tune into your hunger cues and your fullness cues, I promise you. you will find a happy medium for yourself and your body will always tell you when it needs more fuel or it needs more, yeah, it needs more food and I think that that's just something over the last year that I've really started to tune in. Two is that even when I put on weight

like we were speaking about before we came on in Bali, I didn't jump straight to a diet. I didn't jump straight. I was like, I need to sit in this and I need to learn how to be okay with this because I know when I come home or I get to start moving again because that's what I enjoy to do.

my body is going to regulate itself again. And that, it had done exactly what I thought was going to do. So if I can encourage anything, it's really just to tune into your body because I promise you it's way more intelligent than what we think we are. Love that. Last question on for you is, what do you believe is the biggest obstacle that you face in the pursuit of happiness, fulfillment and success?

Wow. Is that just in any area of my life? Yeah. Whatever you feel, whatever you feel, it brings you happiness, fulfillment and success. So what do you think is the biggest obstacle that you face?

Let's just even put it in terms of happiness. So what do you believe is the biggest obstacle that you face in the pursuit of your own happiness? First, when they came to mind, self-dow. Where does self-doubt show up for you now? Business. I think just even in my personal life, self-doubt is coming through a lot.

But again, I obviously, as cliche as it is, I know it's obviously supposed to be what's happening right now. But yeah, I feel like at the moment, without being dramatic, self-doubt, is crippling me a little bit. But nothing that,

it's not crippling me to the point that I'm not still doing business, or I'm not still posting or I'm not still doing the thing. Yeah. I'm still trying to feel the fear, even though doubt is right there. this is brilliant listen if someone wanted to reach out and ask you a couple of questions

maybe wanted to work with you they've resonated with a lot of what you're saying today where can they go and find you Kira? My Instagram, the main place that you will find me so it's Kira O'Connor coaching but yeah just message me send me a DM whatever and yeah I'd love to hear from you

thanks for watching if you like that episode and you want to see more content like this make sure you're subscribed and I'll see you on the next one