The Uneducated PT Podcast - Ep. 158 - Aisha Ford Dealing With Grief

Episode Date: May 18, 2026

In this episode we speak to Aisha on dealing with the grief of losing her brother. Please subscribe to the channel so you don't miss an episode. 

You're just going to tell me a little bit about Brendan. Okay. Who he is, what his personality was like, what he means to you, all that stuff. Okay, so he was my brother. Yeah. Very loud, like the most, the loudest person I've ever met. The craziest, the wildest. Just very energetic.

And we all fit in really well together, if that makes sense. Tell me about your family dynamic. So it's me, I'm the oldest. Brendan was the middle child and Dylan the youngest. What's the age gap between? Two between all of us. Okay, so yeah, so yeah. Very close.

So really, all he's grew up together. Yeah, yeah. And it's weird without him in it. I think it's because we're three siblings. And we're always together, so when it's just me and Dylan now, it's... And because he was so loud. Yeah. Do you know, me and Dylan never wrote as awkward as each other and Dylan doesn't speak, so it's just very...

You feel the emptiness, if that makes sense. He's left a huge hole. Oh yeah. Like, you know, and... What was he like growing up? Bold. Yeah. Wild.

Like, he definitely had ADHD or something, I think. Just wasn't diagnosed. But he just was crazy. And he loved outdoors. He loved being out. Never listened to anyone. Loved his Xbox. Love traveling.

Because as a kid, my family, half my family. year from Bosnia. Okay. So we'd spend all the summer there every year. What was that like? Amazing. Yeah. I can't wait to do it with my son.

It's just, it's the way Ireland used to be, if that makes sense. Yeah. Like, everyone's just close and all the neighbours know everyone and the sun and the fields and all land,

like you're away from everything else. Yeah. So I appreciate them memories a lot because I know not everyone gets to have them. Yeah. But he was just this... It's very hard to describe them unless you knew him

because he was just, I'm trying to think of the right words. Like if you met him, for example, the first thing he's going to talk about was cars and then engines and then bikes and you can tell him shut up and he's going and going and going and going and going. He was passionate about them,

oh my God, yeah. I miss that too actually because if I have any car trouble, he's the person I go to and don't have a clue. That's always handy. My dad's useless and my other brother's useless out of too now. What was your relationship like with him? Good, is in sibling love.

Yeah. We definitely got closer as we grew up more. I was living away from home. He was living away from home. And he used to visit me out in swords all the time. And he'd pick me up from the airport. And even like the last few weeks, he'd always drop me up to the bus stop

in Cherrywood to go out to work and stuff. And he was just very kind. And I miss their little fights. Yeah. because we clashed a bit, but in a good way. He was just very loud, I'm very loud, and two of us together. I don't know. Is there any memories, when you think about him, any memories that instantly come back to you?

Okay. I asked my brother this just before I came in and he was like, there's too many to choose from. Do you and your brother talk about him? Because sometimes with grief, some people, they find the hard to have the conversations even with their siblings about their other siblings. Yeah. Well, the first time me and Dillan went out together was after Brennan passed.

Yeah. And we do these things now. Yeah. So not like it's... It's sad that I took my brother past him, but me and my brother are like inseparable now. Yeah. And we say, I love you all the time. We always hug each other.

Yeah. If one of us are driving home, we're making sure we got home and show... We both know exactly what it feels like because it was always true of us. Yeah. You know, so he knows what I'm feeling and vice versa. And I don't know. My favourite memory, I think I would say, Carol, is

there's so many, like, from childhood when we were kids to, before he passed. But I think when I told him I was pregnant, and I told him on the Sunday, and he passed on Thursday. Wow. So, but I mean, the excitement, like,

he ran around, and straight away, he was like, we need to call Dylan up, we need to tell Dylan, and I can't keep this from him, and then he started talking about car seats and safety, and he was like, I don't care if it's a boy or girl, they're going to get on a bike,

and he loved children he would have wanted loads he always spoke that he'd want like eight or nine kids not that he'd be able to handle them but that's one of my favourite memories or just I said there

when he used to drop me to work we'd get in the car and we'd always fight about music we never agreed on music either but we liked red hot chili pepper together so we'd always have to come to agreement he'd blast that you wouldn't be able to hear your own mind

And then he's... So red hot chili peppers Rogers together Yes, always And then he just start rambling Every time I'd be like Before we end the car I don't want to hear about engines

I don't want to know about cars I don't want to know about bikes Just sit in silence for five minutes And drop me to the bus stop And then he start Straight away after like a minute I'd start talking again and stuff Well

I miss that too I miss all of it It's weird You don't think You miss all the annoying things Yeah Of a person Isn't that funny

Is it's the things That anno you about a person And then when they pass it's the things that you hold on to most dearly. It's weird but like... But it makes sense. Yeah. I don't miss now

because he moved back maybe two months before he passed back home so it was all of us together and I was actually fuming at him moving back because I loved being at home which was me, my partner my parents, we had it all

it was perfect and then when he came in I was like no chaos. This is going to be a disaster like he was walking dogs at 3am and he'd done night shifts so he was just very it was a lot But now looking back, I'm like,

they were my last, like, few weeks with him and how lucky was I that I got to share them moments and I treasure all of it. Don't miss him clogging in the toilet because he doesn't know. Everyone knows him for doing that. Or he'd, it's going to say I'm so bad because it's on video too,

but anyone who knows him closely would know he'd take a Ben and Jerry's and go to a toilet for two hours. Stay on toilet and go for a shower so you can go into the bathroom or anything. We all say that like on his anal We will do that one day. We might do it this year.

We'll see how we get on with it. I don't know. There's so many things I miss. Like every little thing that you see is like if I see the aside bear straight away I'm thinking of them. If I see a biker straight away or if it's like a Kawasaki, a green Kawasaki that he had. Not like, because when a biker's in their gear, they all look the same, really. So sometimes when I see them, I see him.

Obviously it's not him. but I'm just like I don't know I have a closeness to bikers now even though I'll never speak to them they're just driving past me for two seconds but like straight away I do a little prayer hope they're going to be okay getting home

and I know it's a weird bond that you have with them and they like most bikers will have a loved one who's passed on a bike or you know like when he passed there were so many bikers that came out that I've never met

he didn't even know but they all came out for like on the day the funeral. Afterwards, they check in on us. Like, the community of bikers, like I feel like I'm a biker even though I'll never get on a biker anything. But it's just, it's a community that I never knew, and I understand now why he loved us so much.

So they all showed up for me. Oh, yeah. It was amazing. And I remember slagging him. So on the Sunday, because it was a family dinner, we have family dinners every Sunday. He was telling us, like, the best day of his life, he went to Kells.

there's a race every year for charity there. And he said literally, he was like, that was the best day of my life. And I was like, how sad is that the best day your life? Like, there's so many things. You've been on holidays, you've done things. That was the best day your life. He's like, no, honestly, it really was.

And now I take that conversation. I'm like, at least I know he can say that he had. Even though it was going to be cut short or wherever else, I know he was content and happy. And to him, he had the best day of his life. You know? So, yeah. Can you tell me a little bit about his passing the couple of days and did the couple of days after even what you remember?

So it was about 4pm. It was a really sunny day. It was three years ago, the 20th of April. What age was you had to time? 24. And he was on a day off, so he went down on his bike. He'd go first thing in the morning and one come back to usually like two or three. And my parents were like, he's been gone like ages.

So my dad was like, I'll give him a call. He didn't answer. I mean, my partner were working from home upstairs, and I saw the guards outside the house. And it's the way, it was like a movie. Like, you know, you see, like, programs and stuff, how they knock to the door and everything. And instantly I knew.

Didn't know which brother, but I knew, because I could see the guard, she was trying to prepare herself. Like, she was taking a breath, and straight away, I didn't even think. I just ran downstairs, and they were like, asked my parents confirmed their names. I knew exactly what was about to happen. They didn't.

And then they just said that, like, unfortunately Brian had passed away. How do you think he knew? What was that in the intuition? I don't know. It's just the way... I don't know. It was just the way...

He hadn't been home yet. My other brother was meant to meet him on the ride. So I knew it was one of them. Now, I didn't think he died. I thought it might have been a big injury, or he was in the hospital. hospital or something like that. And then

automatically, it's like fire or flight, you don't know how you're going to react to these things. I didn't even shed it here. I just went straight into how the hell am I going to help my parents right now. Because my dad looked like he was about to have a heart attack. My mom, that roared at you hear,

you see in movies, you see in programs, you can read about it in books. I still have nightmares of that roar. My neighbors heard it. and they knew straight away from how my man reacted, like what had happened. And then straight away, I just went into, took the guard's phone, started ringing all the family, trying to get everyone up.

You don't know how you're going to react. Isn't it interesting how some people react to you go straight and fix it mode? And straight away, within like 20 minutes, I say, all our family was there, neighbours, everyone, I had to ring all the family abroad. That was hard because they couldn't believe and they kept asking me to repeat it and I was like,

I won't be making this up. And yeah, and then I went into a neighbor. I cried on her shoulder for like 10 seconds. And then she was like, hey, what do we need to do? And then it went on a, I don't know. When did that grief change from, okay, you're in, or I need to make sure everyone else is okay and fix it and organize and,

do the next step to, oh my brother has just passed. Honestly, like, it was after two years. It's only, like, the last year. I don't recommend people. Do you think you've been suppressing it? Oh, yeah, like, it got so bad to the stage that, like, I couldn't cry about it. I only talked about him very factually,

like how he died and what the paramedics done and there was no emotion when I spoke. So I did go to, like, a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and a psychologist and a counsellor. She was amazing. What did you learn? It's okay for me to grieve and I need to like stop. I was just trying to protect my parents so much.

You're not meant to see your parents in that position. And unfortunately there's nothing I can do on this planet or anyone else that's going to stop the pain that they feel every day. So I think that was like the hard pill to swallow. and so first I had to accept what happened and then I had to go through all the emotions anger was a big one, still is sometimes in what way would just say you were angry?

He was robbed and it didn't need to happen because like I've seen all the footage I've seen every step of it and it's four seconds and if I'm not going to speak too much on it but the other person if they just stopped for half a second maybe he wouldn't have died he would have been badly injured

and stuff so I don't know and I think another thing is you become less empathetic I know that sounds harsh but it's more so if you have a really big problem or you are down in the dumps

you can come to me. But if it's like daily little... You don't? No, I don't tolerate it. I don't deal with it. Because life's too short. Like, you just have to go on with it. And that's the unfortunate part about grief is

you can stay in your house. You can drink, you can do drugs, you can stay miserable, you can hate everyone, hate the world, but I'm... What's the point? You're feeling this because a loved one didn't get to live.

So I think for me is... What helped is trying to get out and trying to do things for him. Because I had a very hard time because obviously I was pregnant. After the birth, had a traumatic birth, had to have two operations after. But... How was that experience of, you know... Very hard. Yeah. Because you're trying to like be happy pregnant.

Yeah, you're having two different... Yeah, trying to accept life and deal with the loss. And grieve life at the same time. Yeah. I think for me, my son, he's been like the crutch, not just for me, for everyone. He's given my parents a New Lease life. And he's very similar to my brother. And I mean, in every annoying way, he loves cars, he loves engines, he'll talk about hydraulics, he's too.

Like, you know, he knows everything. And I obviously named him after my brother. And he was due on my brother's birthday. So to me I'm not very wholly Renting but just The way it all planned out and stuff I just

I feel that they're connected And he knows who his uncle Brendan is He goes to Uncle Brendan's garden He gets gifts from Uncle Brendan I think trying to teach him about his uncle Has helped me Because I talk about him in such a nice way And we don't talk about like

The horribleness of all of it And stuff I suppose I was going to ask you a question I was going to ask you in what way do you still feel close to your brother but I suppose true through your soul yeah and

there's so many little things like I don't know if I'm going to sound so hippieish but Robbins I swear ever since he passed we'll see Robbins maybe 10 times a day they're everywhere or if red hot chili peppers are playing or

if like we're thinking of getting a Chinese because he'd get this huge mountain of food and it was sickening him. So whenever we get Chinese, we think of them, or the bikes, or any K-pop music. He loved all of that. Or Dragon Ball Z. So if I see a T-shirt, like if I'm in Pennies

and it has Dragon Ball Z, straight away I'm thinking of them. They're all nice little things. Or, I don't know, it's mainly like if music, I'd say. Yeah. Because whenever I play a song, I think of a moment with him. Or it just makes me feel, close, you know. I got him, like, I done one last little prank on him before he passed,

so he hated Westlife. Oh no, when he passed, actually, sorry. So I picked a Westlife song for the funeral. And my brother, Dylan, he was like, you can't do it. I was like, no, I absolutely can. Because I knew he hated it, like, so it was fun. Everyone else was crying, but, like, I thought it was a little joke. Dark humour is the way to go forward with grief, I think. But only people that have experienced who will get it and joke and laugh, whereas others will be like, You need help, you know, so... Do you look a family different since it's bad? Yes, I mean...

In one way. I appreciate every second. Like, we're always a close family. But the way we are now, like, as I said, Sunday dinners. That's always been a thing. Now none of us miss it. We have dinners every night together. You'll see me all the time out with my parents.

They're like my best friends now. And we can't dwell... I can't, how do I say it? Like, yes, he's passed, but, like, he won't want to look down and see us all being miserable and so we try to do things. And one thing we'd like to do one day, he always wanted to go to Japan.

So I'm going to wait until my son's a little bit older, and hopefully, if we all go to Japan, that will be, like, a holiday for my brother, you know, so... Can I ask me another question? Yeah. If, let's say, someone is going through a similar situation, do you know, they've just lost their brother,

they've just lost a similar, Do you have any advice for them in regards to their grief? Feel it? Don't ignore it. Because it's just going to make everything a lot harder down the road. And people say like a day at a time. I'll say an hour at a time. And you need to put yourself first.

I understand there might be other siblings or parents and stuff. But you're allowed to feel the grief. You also lost someone. so you're allowed to feel that. Isn't that a kind of funny dynamic with grief, especially you being the sibling, is that you go straight into, you know, a mum or dad has just lost their son.

And I had this conversation with someone else who lost their brothers, like sometimes the sibling gets forgotten almost. Yes, and it's not like... Right in a malicious way, but just in a, you know... But even family members, you know, they'd be like, how are your parents, too, and... this and it's like we also lost one so I think that was it was nice in counselling I'd recommend counselling and I know loads of people like my dad still hasn't done it people are

afraid like people think if you go counts you're gonna forget the person but no it actually made like a safe space for me to be able to grieve yeah and there was no judgment and I didn't have to worry about anyone else or how they were feeling or what they were feeling it was just about me and how I was feeling with losing my brother so I'd actually say be a bit selfish you know

because I learned the hard way of leaving it too long I got PTSD I had to go on antidepressants and I lost myself for good well you know whereas

had I dealt with it sooner I'd probably be where I am now but I would have not had to have gone through the hardship of all if you could still let's say if you could speak to your brother

for her 30 seconds. Yeah. Is there anything you would want to say to her that you never said to him? I hope that he's proud of me

and he knew how much I loved him so I just tell him I love him, I miss him I hope he thinks I'm a good man, I hope he loves his nephew because his nephew

adores him and I've just given one last big hug because I didn't give him a hug that morning before he left And my partner did and he waved him off But I didn't I just wanted to feel one last hug So it's not even word to be just to give him a little cud, you know