The Uneducated PT Podcast - Ep 80 Male Gay Over 40 And Thriving / Steven Whyte Fitness & Life Coach

Episode Date: May 9, 2025

he Uneducated PT Podcast – Episode 80: Redefining Fitness with Coach Steven Whyte In this episode, we sit down with Coach Steven Whyte, a fitness and life coach specializing in helping gay men over 40 become fitter, stronger, and more confident in body, mind, and life .Instagram+1coachstevenwhyte.co.uk+1Steven shares his personal journey from self-doubt to self-belief, offering insights into how he empowers his clients to break free from limiting narratives and embrace their full potential. He discusses the importance of building healthy habits, fostering resilience, and cultivating a positive mindset to achieve lasting transformation.Join us as we explore Steven's coaching philosophy, his approach to personalized fitness and nutrition plans, and the strategies he employs to support his clients every step of the way. Whether you're a fitness professional or someone seeking inspiration for personal growth, this episode offers valuable takeaways to help you redefine your own fitness journey.Connect with Coach Steven Whyte:Instagram: @coachstevenwhyteWebsite: coachstevenwhyte.co.ukListen to Episode 80 now and discover how to transform your life through fitness and self-empowerment.

Hello and welcome to the uneducated PT podcast with me, your host, Carlo Rourke. The goal of this podcast is to bring on interest and knowledgeable people from all walks of life, learn a little something from each conversation and for you, the listener, just learn something from each episode. So don't forget to subscribe to the channel, press the box below, show some support and I'll see you on the next episode. Stephen, welcome to the uneducated PT podcast. You are a gay men's fitness and life coach,

and I read before this that you had a legal career as an in-house lawyer. So I'm sure there's a big story and identity shift around there somewhere. So can you tell me a little bit more about that kind of transformation into what what you do today? Well, is it a transformation? I do both. Okay. Oh, right. Yeah.

So I'm also, I'm a lawyer. So that is kind of my day job. Okay. So I'm an in-house lawyer. I have been a lawyer for the past. When did I call it? I qualified just over a, 20 years ago. So I've been a lawyer for like 22 years. And I am also a fitness and life coach.

So it is my side hustle, but it's becoming more of a really decent side business that is, that really gives me a lot of passion. So I really love being a lawyer because there's a lot of things in there about helping people, especially when you work in house for a big company, like problem solving, that kind of thing. And there are definitely elements that transfer over to the fitness and life coaching. But the thing with the lawyer thing is a lot of things come from a real place of negativity. You know, tried to fix things where, can I swear on this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Where are you want.

Okay, good. The shit is hitting the fan and you need to fix it. And there's something about the adrenaline of actually going in there and sorting that. Whereas with the fitness and life coaching, yeah, people are maybe coming to you with pain points. But there's so, much more positivity in it and it's more human and there's more connection so I feel really fortunate that I get to juggle both careers is that is enough very full on because I would imagine being an in-house lawyer is a very demanding job time-wise and stuff like that it is it can be full-on I so let me turn off my notifications that's really annoying yes it is uh full on at times um I but I love it I love the coaching. It gives me energy. I spend my evenings doing it. I spend the best part of my

weekends doing it. And yeah, as I say, it gives me energy in that kind of human connection. And we live in Sweden, me and my husband and my dog, Monty. And we, I guess we don't have much of a social life. So we've been here five years, but it's quite hard to make friends. And that makes me sound really lonely. I'm not, I promise. But it means I've got a lot more free time than when I did when I was in London. So I just did the fitness coaching when I lived in London. And we moved to Sweden about five years ago, but I lived in London for 20 years. And as a lawyer, it was really full on and I really couldn't really focus on the coaching. When we moved here, and particularly during the pandemic, that's when things started to ramp up a bit. And I kind of found the space for that. And it was

also part of my own personal journey within that during the pandemic that led me more into the life coaching stuff. Tell me a little bit more about that. So what kind of led you into going from, you know, working in the fitness industry to kind of transition more into the life coaching and helping gay men in their 40s plus? Yeah. Well, in 2020 when I moved here, I was absolutely ripped. I was in amazing shape. I got in the best shape of my life. And, um, Like late 2019 and like I look at the photos. I'm like, wow, that's insane. But within about six months of living in Sweden, I had put on, I would say the best part of 20, 25 kilos. So it massively changed and I think a lot of it was down to changing lifestyle. Like when you're

in London, I walk everywhere. I was in London at the weekend there and I was doing easily 25,000, 30,000 steps a day because I do walk everywhere. But when we moved to London in January 2020, obviously a pandemic happened. Things were so up in the air. And I reverted back to my old identity of the person who would rely on food for emotional comfort. So previously, back in like before I got into fitness, sorry, this is me jumping around a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll jump around. So in 2009, I lost...

about 60 kilograms. Wow. I used to weigh about 130, 134 kilos. And so I lost all that way back then by becoming a PT, by running the marathon. I wouldn't recommend that's the way people lose weight.

But I did lose 60 kilograms training for the London Marathon. Got a really good time. I was really happy with it. Yeah. But then it kind of introduced me to fitness, like properly. And when I, in 2000,

2009 when I'd lost all the all the facts I've done it by running I looked as my coach often says or my old coach would say a bit like a melted candle you know I had no muscle whatsoever well I did have muscle but it just wasn't enough of it yeah and so then I went on a bit of a journey to build a muscle but what I hadn't worked on was the mindset and so lipping too when I had that big lifestyle change in 2020 and putting all that weight back on I reached actually, no, it took me until summer 21 to actually reach out to a coaching, go, do you know what, I need to help? I'm coaching people with fitness, but I do not look the part. You know, I was, instead of using photos of me or speaking on social media, I was using cartoon versions of me from, you know, emojis or whatever, those kind of things. Because I was so ashamed of how I looked. I thought, I cannot be coaching people with fitness. But I'd reverted so much to my old ways of relying on food to comfort myself.

And my coach in 21 really, I can't believe it took me so long to get the idea of it's more about the mindset than it is about the macros and the calories and everything. And he introduced me to that. And it just flipped a switch. I was like, oh my God, that's what I've been missing the whole time. It's what I've been missing. And so I dug deeper into.

that myself and then just by pure chance in my legal job, I was offered the opportunity to do a personal development life coaching course. So it all just kind of came together. And so I lost 25 kilograms. I did this course where I was just like lit up within, like found out so much about me who I am, who I wanted to become. And it gave me that clarity, that purpose, that drive to make it happen and to actually take action. And it's funny because I think with life coaching, I still really don't know what to call it because it's got such a kind of, I don't know,

woo-woo, guru vibes. And so is it personal development? That just takes up loads of space on Instagram bio. But it's really about giving people clarity and gay men in particular to become who they are. And I guess going back to your question, which was about why gay men in midlife, is because I'm, well, I'm probably way past midlife now. I turned 47 a few weeks ago.

I'm a gay man. I get the gay experience. And particularly of gay men my age or maybe older, maybe a few years younger and older, there is something about that experience where coming out wasn't always a massive celebration. I think for younger generation, I'm not speaking for everyone, I'm sure it's not, it is still hard for a lot of people, but it, you know, we had to hide ourselves for years, decades, hide, and even today we still edit ourselves and we bury so much of who we are under other people's expectations and what we think other people will find us palatable. or will tolerate us. I remember growing up in the 80s and there was all these things about

because I knew I was gay from the age of five. Like I wanted Heman as my best friend or my cousin or I didn't know it existed as a relationship but I knew it was something that I wanted. But I would always hear this word about tolerating gays. I was just like, you know, that's so weird just to be tolerated. I mean, there's nothing positive within that.

It is like, I despise you, but I will let you exist. And I hate that phrase. And still today, I think there is this element of being tolerated and being palatable in certain situations. And so having that experience and understanding that without having to explain it, like explain to you. And just knowing that that's what we've got. through I think makes me more relatable and I think it makes more of a safe space for gay men who are maybe struggling to work out who they are because a lot of us get to midlife and we might have the partner, the career, the nice house, the job because actually a lot of gay men

are overachievers because we work so hard to find approval and to prove that we are normal or capable of, you know, existing in the same world as straight people that we have all that. But within that, we might lose ourselves along the way and not really understand who we are. And we've lied to ourselves. We've lied to other people. I'm not sure if this is making sense.

I feel like it makes perfect sense. And there's loads of stuff that I wanted to even go into there on that. One thing that I wanted to even ask is, you know, even when, you know, you spoke about how, you know, you were doing all the things in terms of the macros and the calories and the exercise and, but then you went through two different cycles of, you know, gaining weight, losing it, gaining weight, losing it. And one thing that was missing for you was the actual, the mindset shift, the mindset change and stuff like that. What kind of a mindset change needed to happen for you in order to.

to not only, you know, lose the weight again, but understand why you were losing the weight, if that makes sense. Yeah, I think it was a big shift. And I mean, it's always full of contradictions. I think we are, as human beings, we are very contradictory. Yeah. I wanted to look good.

Yeah. Because for the first 30 years of my life, I didn't. Mm-hmm. In the way I think of what looking good feels like. and I think it's absolutely valid to have an aesthetic goal, and both times I had an aesthetic goal. However, the first time that I did it was very much about how I looked to other people

and why I was doing it. It was for other people rather than, obviously it was partly for myself because I wanted people to fancy me and to, you know, want to have sex with me and I wanted to feel hot because I'd never experienced that. Like, it just never had to.

experienced it. I'd had sex, but I'd never experienced it just to clarify. But the second time, it was me realizing that I've been burying my head in the sand around, I guess, who I was and not asking myself the hard questions about who I really was and accepting flaws and my limiting beliefs and facing those and trying to overcome them. Think about the self-sabotage patterns that happened and breaking those. But all of that came from clarity about who I wanted to become. And I wanted to become somebody who was strong, purpose-driven, had clarity about who they were and what they wanted that looked hot. Absolutely. I wanted to look hot. I mean, I would be lying if that wasn't the case.

But for myself, rather than somebody else, but also in a way that I knew if I did that, then I could impact more people because they would trust me because I've been on that journey and I've been through it. I understand what it is to dig into your values

and your principles, where you stand. And rather, I think a lot of us go through life just bearing your head in the sands and being on a bit of a conveyor belt of life and just accepting what's thrown at you. And oh, I guess the big bit was also about victim modes. And I really struggle working with clients sometimes and it's something trying to work through

because I think a lot of us do fall into victim mode a lot and think the world is happening to us. And it's really easy to feel, especially like in the world that we live in just now, that, you know, things are so much out of our control. And it's about trying to find those elements where we can be in control and can be in the driver's seat of our lives. And I guess to use a, is it Gen Z wording, I guess, like,

main character energy. Like, bring it. In what way in your life did you see that victimhood was showing up maybe when when you were struggling or when you were kind of struggling with your way or your relationship with food? Yeah, I think I go to some dark places. And I think, especially because I'd lost 60 kilograms and I thought, oh my God, it's happened again. I'm worthless.

I'm a piece of shit. I can't believe I've let this happen to me again, you know. And. There's definitely a victim element or thinking the world has done this to me. And then actually finding the strength, the inner strength to actually take responsibility for those things and find a different way. Because I yo-yote, like even within those 10 years, I'd yo-yo dieted. Yeah. Not to the extremes.

No, but it's never a linear line of progress. Yeah, yeah. But it was about taking control. And all of that came from doing a lot of inner work, not in a really negative way. I mean, the inner work was fun. It was like, oh my God, this is the person I never knew I was. This is why I'm behaving like this or this is why I'm, you know,

going for comfort field because, you know, of this feeling of, you know, not good enough or shame or whatever it is. Yeah, absolutely. And seeing those patterns of, you know, we live right in the center of the city here. And, you know, we have a supermarket right across the road. And like going over there and buying those big bars of chocolate, giant bar of crisps like cinnamon and buns, and, you know, just demolishing it in one go.

You know? You touched on there even about how, you know, back in the 80s and the 90s, it was probably a little bit less accepted for gay men to come out. What was your own experience? Like, was it difficult? Was it easy? was it he said obviously it wasn't celebrated like yeah would be today yeah it's it's i mean

coming out we are we can continue to come out but the big coming out is when you come out to family and friends and um i came out in 98 and i have to preface this um i have to preface this um i have an amazing relationship with my parents now because there's so much more honesty there yeah um but when i came out it it was horrible it was horrible it was horrible the build up to it was I going to be thrown out because I was at university in Edinburgh at the time I was just about to turn hold on I was just about to turn 20

and yeah I I told my mum first and then we waited for my dad to come home and it was not a great experience there were a lot of tears There was a lot of things said. They also told me they loved me, which is amazing because I had my bag packed.

I was ready to go, you know, just in case something happened. But, and then I also told my flatmates in Edinburgh the next day when I went home back to over to Edinburgh, they were great about it. It was all made a little bit awkward because I was dating one of our lecturers at university. So there was just an extra element of drama

which was totally unnecessary when I think about it and also made it really awkward because my ex-girlfriend

was also on my course so it was just it was messy yeah it was messy but I so I was actually

quite slim at that point when I went to university it was about 12 kilos 12 stone and well that happened and the reaction of family and some friends, I mean some of my friends were

amazing, like my best friends. I ended up living on my own in my third year of uni. And that was a mistake because I felt lonely. And I did that because I didn't think anybody would want to live with me because I was gay. And that was when I started eating to comfort myself and I basically put myself back in the closet I got I kind of

when I processed this it was an element of get so fat nobody will fancy you you don't have to think about being an out gay man wow yeah because nobody's going to fancy you

and that's just easier that way is so funny how deep that's psychology can go towards the behaviours yeah yeah and you know

I remember my flat was on South Clark Street in Edinburgh and there was a domino's pizza. I could see it from the window of my apartment. Now, this was way be up before delivery or anything. But they did do delivery. And nice getting to deliver the 100 meters down the road. You know, that's how, you know, I guess lazy I was because I didn't want to go out. But there's probably a bit of shame because I didn't really like eating around people because I would just there's that fat guy who's just like ordered a mass of pizza for himself. You know, it's messy.

interesting. And then the, yeah, that's where the cycle continues. It's such an important thing to kind of reduce shame around, around food to help you to get out of that cycle. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And, you know, don't get me wrong, there were certain elements of my life where, you know, we talked about, you know, overachieving or being, doing really well. And, you know, I did, you know, I got a good, decent degree, I got a good job and moved to London. and but it probably wasn't until about 2005 when I met a boyfriend of mine.

We lived together for a few years. But I never told my parents that we lived together. They just thought I had a flatmate. You know, it was very much still in the closet. And it was only when I started losing weight. And I, because a few things happened. Enough was enough. And I kind of decided, I need to make changes.

and when I started getting attention, that really lit a fire within me and I was just like, wow, okay, I can be an outgay man. I can be confident and proud and live that way. Speaking of high achievers, is there something that you find a lot in the clientele that you work with? Like you said, that a lot of gay men,

you know, compensate by being high achievers to create that probably acceptance that they might have felt that they, they never had. And, you know, it's such a difficult balance then to get of like, okay, you know, I'm going to achieve all these things and I want to have this ambition, but also when does the acceptance come that, you know, I'm enough as I am? Yeah, I absolutely. And I think what I do see is that there's a realization when you get to midlife that you have all these things, but they're so material a lot of the time. And you've been living somebody else's dream and somebody else's expectation. So I'm a lawyer. I enjoy it. I feel like I probably got into it because I did well at school, again, because I mean,

I guess there's no element of being intelligent, but also an element of, wanting approval from parents and not, you know, I mean, I still get it. I was on a flight back from London at the weekend. And I'm the passenger that listens intently to the safety message. I'm like, I'm the best person here. Like even in the security at the airport, the way I'd laid out everything in my tray, because I went through a scanner that wasn't just shove your bag in, it was like, my. And I got like the approval of the security staff going, wow, that's amazing.

was just like, yes, I'm a good boy. Yeah. So that kind of good boy element kind of sticks with you. And I'm not sure I would have chosen a legal career. That makes me sound so privileged, I get it, because I'm very privileged. But I maybe would have done something else. Yeah, well, I think a lot of people that are listening

can resonate with people who ended up in kind of high-performing jobs. and kind of just, you know, living their everyday kind of on automatic pilot mode. And they're like, how did I end up here? Yeah. Yeah, totally. There's that realization where it's like, how did I end up here? Yeah. Is this what I want?

Yeah. Especially when you come into midlife. I don't know how old you are, Carl, but at 47, this is kind of like, well, I'm definitely in the second half of my life. How do I want that to look? Yeah. How do I want to feel? and I think a lot of it comes from seeing your parents aging and seeing, you know, your parents' friends start dying and getting ill. And it gives you a very clear sense of your mortality and that we only have one life.

And we need to make it count. And if you, you know, I'm so grateful for a lot of things that happen in the first part of my life. not always about looking back, but what I love about coaching and life coaching is about not dwelling on the past. Yes, some of that's important, but it's about the future, who you can be, who do you want to become, and what do you want to do with your life? Do you think that that's a mistake or an issue that a lot of people fall into is that they kind of stay submerged in, not their mistakes, but maybe their past, maybe they stay submerged in, you know, oh, I should have done this instead of this, or I shouldn't have been with that partner, I should have done this,

and they can't actually move on from whatever that life experience is to then enhance the rest of their life. Yeah, I do. I do. I think it's a really good way of putting it, Carl. And I think it kind of goes hand in hand a little bit with the victimhood element of just feeling, and I get it, because you feel so submerged by everything that has happened.

And but as so many coaches say, it's a bit twee, but you know, it may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something. I was, when you were speaking there, I was tinking in my head,

like, you know, ownership is, is essentially what you need at that point. Yeah, absolutely. There's that kind of radical acceptability. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I've noticed it even in my own life. It's like the things that, the areas of my life that are not going the way I want them to go or are not as successful as I want them to go. And a lot of time, if I'm honest with myself and I look back, it's like, oh, I've actually been playing the victim in that area of my life. Totally. I mean, do not get me wrong.

My life is not perfect. I do not have it together. You know, I am rubbish with money. I'm absolutely. And it's the one area that is just, I need to be better with money. And it's been like that as far as I can remember. And it brings me shame. I'm just like, my God, you're atrocious with this.

And it's like you've got everything else in a really good place, pretty much. Why can't you sort this? So that is what my focus at the moment for me. Well, I would be the exact same. I'm terrible money. I'm terrible with finances. And I always say that to someone who I'm working with who might be struggling with their weight is like, this is an area that you're struggling with.

And look at all these areas that you're like a real high achieve or high performer in. This is just that. area that we need to help you with. And like I have that myself in in these own aspects. And I think, you know, everyone does no, there's, I don't, there's no one, no one's perfect. And if they, if it looks like they are, that's how they want you to, they want to be perceived. Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah. Tell me a little bit about the decision to go from London to Sweden and what, what, what, what is the difference in, you know, culture, lifestyle, your day to day from there to hear.

I guess the decision was, as lawyers, I don't think we often get the opportunity to live abroad or work abroad because I'm an English qualified lawyer. And there are jobs where you can do it. But I had an amazing job working for, I can say it. I worked for ASOS. I was a lawyer for ASOS. It was amazing, brilliant. But a job came up in Sweden. and it's probably going to divide some people on your podcast

but I was also just really disappointed in Brexit I hated it and I was just like okay I got headhunted for this job in Sweden and I thought well that's flattering for a start but also this is an opportunity for me to live and work in Europe which I may not have because I moved in January 2020, Brexit happened on the 31st of January 2020. So I moved three days before Brexit happened. Yes, there was a transition year.

But there was that element of it's now or never. Time for a new adventure. Let's do something different. And thankfully, my husband thought it was a great idea too. I mean, he was my husband because of us moving to Sweden because we thought it would be easier to be married. So thank you, Brexit. Thank you.

job offer in Sweden for us getting married. It was so unromantic. We arranged a wedding in six weeks. And how has that transition to Swedish life being? You even touched on you work a lot. I would imagine, I know myself and personal experience, any time that I've moved abroad to other places, you know, you can find it hard to build new connections with people.

It's a new culture. It takes time. It does. It does. Absolutely. And also because I moved in January 2020 and lockdown happened in March 2020, in some ways being in Sweden was a good place to be because it wasn't so. There were definitely rules, which people respected. But there was a little bit more freedom than other countries. It wasn't quite portrayed how the UK press portrayed being in Sweden. But it did give that. a little bit more freedom, so in some ways that was good. But it did make it really hard to meet people. I'm not going to lie. And I think that social isolation probably affected me and my identity. Like before I moved here, I was part of London Gay Men's Chorus,

which is a group of 200 gay men, and we'd meet every Monday night. And we do shows. And on Wednesday I sang with a small group, which was 16 of us. So I had a really big social community. And going from that to nothing. No, don't get me wrong. Everyone during lockdown was limited from a social perspective. But being in a new country just added that level of pressure, having a new job,

trying to get my coaching career off the ground. It was tricky. But do you know what? Joining the gym helped me make connections here. You know, I know people can be terrified of the gym, but it's a way to meet people and like-minded people who are on a similar journey to you.

Well, this was actually one of the questions that I was going to ask you because I was going to take one of a quote that I wrote down from you. And obviously, connection is obviously a big part of the work that I'm doing now and talking about, you know,

the dangers of social isolation and the importance of, you know, social health and people being together. But you said one thing. So one thing that I've learned that you can't build true confidence sitting behind a screen. back in 2009 after a breakup

I spent hours on sites searching for a connection I thought if I talked to enough guys online I'd feel less alone so can you share a little bit about your own experience from going behind the screen to kind of getting out into the world like you said that you did join in groups

and finding connection and experience because I think there's probably a lot of people now in the world who are trying to get that connection or live their life experiences is true a screen and it's not giving them the fulfillment or the joy that they probably want or need. Oh, Carl, it's, it's so relevant to people who are dropping to my DMs, but let me go back to 2009. So I did do a breakup. I probably could have handled the breakup in a much better way,

but let's not go into that. But, yeah, basically my, we, when I got into the relationship, we kind of migrated into his friendship group. And so when we broke up, I kind of find myself without any friends. And I'd also bought myself a flat in London. So I was living on my own. And I find myself, you know, going on gay dating app. Oh, it was before apps. It was dating websites.

Like Gaydar. And there was this one in London called Thingbox that I would just spend so much time trying to make connection, but just it's wild how people can talk to you on even those websites back in those days. Dehumanized. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. And yeah, it wasn't great. I mean, yeah, I made some connections. I, you know, had some hookups and, you know, dated a few guys. But it was, it was very surface level. And I ended up, actually, it was through a friend who had met on a dating app. I discovered London gay men's chorus.

And there were auditions the next week. And I thought, I love singing. So I, random story, I went to drama school as well. So I wanted to be an actor at one point. So I've always loved performing. I've always loved being on stage. I find it's a place where I can be my whole self because you have to give yourself in that moment to everybody.

And everybody can see you, they can see the whole you. And it's an incredibly powerful experience being in that moment. So I know that about myself. So when this opportunity came up, I was like, yes, this sounds good. and I just jumped straight into it and made this huge family. I was in this wider chorus, so I was part of the 10-01 section, so you've got that as a group, and then you've got the whole 200 other gay men or 199 game-in,

and then I was also in the small group, and we would do commercial charity gigs, we would take shows up to Edinburgh Festival, and I just found my best friends, like-minded people. Yes, it wasn't about fitness or anything, but it was about having a shared passion and a shared connection, just a real connection with these people. And today, they're still my best friends. Like, I had lunch with one of them in London on Sunday. We're going to Sitches and Spain together in, so we do that every couple of years now. We're going there in the summer.

And yeah, it's, that real human connection is so much more important. Yeah. We're coming back to your point, I guess, like even today, I talk to people in the DMs, but obviously my Instagram is my shopfront to some extent, but people also, you know, chat to me and they say, oh, you know, I really, can we be friends? Like people asking me that and I'm like, I, it, maybe I'm from a generation where that doesn't fit, because friends to me is more about knowing people in real life and having that deep connection. And it's hard not to be rude to somebody and just say, and so I'm trying to point them in direction of go and find a social group.

It doesn't need to be a gay bar. It doesn't need to be clubbing. It can be a singing group. It can be, you know, there can be so many other social groups you could go to. It could be a book club. It could be a crochet club. It could be, you know, anything, just real human connection. And you know what? I think that like really represents what most people are, you know, desperate for right now.

The fact that, you know, people would be messaging online asking, can we be friends? Because, you know, people are actually crying out for that. And but like you said, I think it's, it's, I think it's, I think it feels more and more difficult for people to go and put themselves out there and go to a new club or go to a group or something that they haven't done before. and, you know, experience different things. I think, you know, that terrifies people. It does. It does, absolutely. And I think that's why, I'm not plugged coaching, but I think that's why coaching can really help people

to give them that confidence and build that self-trust and realize that, you know, at the heart of what I do is fitness coaching. Because I think fitness and the physical foundation just gives you great energy to be able to have positivity and see things in a better light. But even getting somebody into the gym can be a struggle because they think the gym is not for me.

I'm not one of those people that goes to the gym. And it's about identity change and realizing that, identity-led change, I guess. It doesn't need to be, you can do it, but it's about building that self-trust because I think a lot of us have broken so many promises to ourselves

over the time that we don't have that confidence and trust. And I think that's why a lot of us have this anxiety about joining new groups or trying something new. That's such an interesting point that you said there that we break promises to ourselves because, you know, I could feel that even myself if I say that I'm going to do something and then I don't do it. And then for the rest of the next day or that day, I feel almost just frustrated with myself. and, you know, I think that definitely, that definitely ties into, you know, struggling with just day-to-day life. If you're constantly breaking promises to yourself, you know, that's going to impact your self-esteem. Yeah, massively, massively. And your self-worth and then it's just a vicious

cycle. So my question for you, then, let's say for clients who work with you or people listening to the podcast here, who are constantly breaking promises to themselves, like, Like, you know, I was going to get up at 6am to go for that gym session or, you know, I said I was going to go join that group, but I never went because I got scared. What would your advice be for the people out there listening who are breaking promises to themselves? Yeah, I think it starts with you, but it's also about really understanding getting honest with yourself and understanding where your starting point is because it's not just about setting the alarm and skipping it. It's like what is the deeper reason behind why you're maybe scared to go to the gym? Or because it's probably not laziness. There's probably something deeper within that.

And coaching isn't therapy, but it's about really looking at yourself and maybe being getting honest with yourself. Thinking about why you're stuck. And what I try and do with my clients is look at things from much more positive point of view. So really getting deep into your. values, like who are you as a person and getting really deep into your why? Because so many people come to fat loss or fitness from a place of panic and desperation. And it is so, so hard to see anything clearly at that point. And I've done it myself so many times that you just kind of go

for the quick fix. You just go, I need to do this. And then, oh, shit, I didn't do it. I'm terrible. I'll just eat and be in that vicious cycle. Whereas what you need is to just go a little bit slower. And you need to work with a coach, I would say, have that accountability, but also have that support, somebody who can be a mirror to you to help you see yourself properly. My God, that sounds so guru and woo-woo. I don't mean it to be,

but it is about helping you understand yourself a little bit more because you're probably not being completely honest with yourself. Well, I think that's right because we all have our blind spots. And whether it's, you know, the person who continues to yo-yo diet because they don't understand that they're doing this out of absolutely, out of desperation. Or if we related even back to the high, high achiever who is constantly looking to achieve the next thing to fill that void, it's like if, you know, having someone to kind of pop them questions and ask them questions and make you reflect. of oh actually why am I doing this or why do I feel like this you know that's that's like you said the the reason you started this is because you realized that you know above macros and calorie

tracking and step targets and gym sessions you know it all it all starts at the mind and you know you know you know transformation a lot of times can happen from the neck up not the neck down yeah I love that it really does yeah yeah and another quote of yours that I really liked as well and it ties into what we've actually spoke about in terms of kind of body image and, you know, getting in shape to solve all of your issues and all of your problems. But you said the real shift wasn't in my body. It was in how I saw myself in the mirror. So can you explain a little bit about the mistakes we make in trying to change how we look to solve who we are?

Yeah, I guess it comes down to a little bit about thinking that having a six, pack is going to solve all your problems and that's just so surface level. There is an element of pride you can take from reaching a certain goal or a certain target or getting a six pack. But when you've done it, you realize it's not the be all and end all. You still probably feel a little bit empty, like literally because you've got no food in you. But even from an emotional point of view. But I think I realized when I was looking in the mirror, I,

still wasn't happy. There was still something missing. And I think it's about that sense of purpose and understanding who I am because maybe I was doing it for other people rather than for myself. And gosh, there's so many things that go on, isn't there? But when I did it from a mindset perspective

and a values-led and an identity-led change and transformation process. When I looked in the mirror, I think I saw, no, I didn't. It's not I think. I could see the man I wanted to become and see the person that had an inner strength who didn't take everything so personally, who didn't need everybody else's approval, who had clarity about,

what he wanted to do. And it's so weird to think that that can come from going to the gym, but doing it from a good place and proving to yourself that you can do something and you can achieve. But at the same time, it's not just about the body, it's also about the mind. I'm not sure I'm phrasing that very well. No, that makes perfect sense. And I think, like, you could put the same person with the same physique in front of the mirror

and it could be wildly different on the inside based upon their mindset and their approach to do something because of the work that they've done. And today, do you know, maybe this is a really valid or relevant time that I got this message in my D.N. So I did a post a couple of weeks ago and weirdly it's performed really well on Instagram. But it's like my best performing post ever. And it's me topless, like, with a six-week difference and just show, like, how I lost five kilos and whatever. And I kind of joked, it just says, 47-year-old gay man does X, Y, Z. And the comments have been wild, like, wild. And because my body, yes, it's a 47-year-old body, but people have been saying, you don't look 47, 7, you look 57, or you look 57.

62 or do you not use moisturiser and today the message was so let me just find it well go to virality where you get the worst of the worst on the day

oh totally but it's but it's but it's because when I look in my body because I used to be 130 kilos and lost all that weight I've got loads of loose skinner on my stomach and so somebody asked me today why can't I find this post that's really annoying I did take a screenshot of it so

maybe I can find that. What happened? Oh, what I see? What happened with your stomach? Why is it such crumpled up? And, you know, it's a valid question. I said, great question.

I used to weigh over 130 kilos and it was obese. It's loose skin. And then he went on to ask about, you know, well, can you not just train that away? Or I'm like, no, it's skin. You can't train or fix that. But I'm, because I'm in a better place about who I am, didn't react

to the motion. I didn't react. I kind of reacted in a kind of in a very, oh, let me, let me,

let me teach you. Yeah, totally. Yeah. But, you know, I'm not happy with my stomach.

I don't love it, but I accept it. Yes. Yeah. And I think that's the difference between like this toxic positivity where I'm going to pretend

that I love every single thing about myself versus I'm going to accept who I am and I'm responsible for who I am and I'm going to look after who I am. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So, and it's, it just is what it is, which is such a rubbish phrase, but I'm just that I accept it. And I know that other parts of my body function in a much better way and are much stronger. And, you know, I'm really proud of the body I've built. This is a bit of a side tangent, but like it's such a good example of why I think it's really important that people who want to have like some sort of a career on social media. that they've really done the work on themselves because it can be such a, like if you are someone who suffers with insecurities and does not know yourself and then you get comments like that or get comments, you know, judging you in any sort of a way,

like that can break a person who isn't, who hasn't done the work. Totally. And, you know, I've already got a Instagram follow-up post based on this, you know, it's about loose skin, but also having a thick skin. Yeah, that's very good.

I really love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple more questions and then I'll let you go So I read that So you're about now 16 years In the fitness industry In coaching industry

Yeah yeah So I started coaching in 2009 When I wanted to learn more about it So for coaches who were only kind of starting On day one now What kind of advice would you have What advice would you have for someone What advice would you have for Steve

And starting now on day one? Oh my goodness Be prepared to change how you approach things and don't think things are just one way. I think be open and be willing to all the information that's out there, but also, because when I mean,

I did an interview with Attitude magazine back in 2012 and I cringe when I read it, because it was all about, yeah, shock your body, change things up. I was just like, no. But, you know, I'd say cringe at it, but it's like, that's what I thought at the time. You know, and you've got to be open to realizing

that you cannot be set in one way and be prepared to understand the evidence. I forgot the word there, which is weird because it's a legal word as well. But to understand the evidence and back yourself and don't get dragged into fads. Do you know what I like about that as well? I think I've read something.

Someone wrote this, a while ago which I read and I really loved that I was like if you don't look back at some of the things you said maybe a year ago, two years ago three years ago and cringe then you probably haven't grown in the last two or three years. Yeah, love that. I think that's very true. And like one thing I like about you as well,

even though you have like such experience in the industry, like you're still continuing to educate yourself as well and jump into kind of programs because I know you're doing one now at the moment. and now we met in one in 2019. And I think that's probably a good piece of advice for, like my biggest mistake, I think, when I started out, was I didn't ask for help early enough

or I didn't try to learn off people quick enough. Yeah, I think that's so, so important. It's a really good point, actually. And I think it comes down to, I think it's one of my values is curiosity, and that maybe ties into my first point. But it is about be curious. You know, otherwise you just can stand still.

It's about growing, learning, take the ego out of it as well. You know, be prepared to learn from other people and soak up what you can. If you can be part of a mentorship or a coaching program, I think do it, keep learning. However, I caveat that with don't think you can just keep doing courses, courses, courses, you need to do things too. Yeah, that's very... I've fallen into that trap so many times I've got... I'm doing all these courses.

Yeah, I'm doing well, but I'm not actually making any money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're pursuing self-development all the time, but not actually doing the work that was supposed to be done. Yeah, I think that's that we can fall into that. I think that also ties into kind of the high performer as well. It does. It does.

Yeah. And, you know, it's like reading all the self-help books. Yeah. Or at least buying them. I heard this great phrase. I can't remember who said it. but they were like, oh, we're talking about shelf help books because they just live on your shelf. Yeah, I can be guilty of that at times.

Yeah. Certainly. Last question that I wanted to ask you. So what advice would you have for gay men in their 40s who aren't happy in their bodies, you know, aren't happy with their lifestyles, aren't happy with their lives in general and want to make a radical change, but maybe don't know where to start? Yeah. I think, I mean, without it being a shameless plug, I think reach out for help. Don't be too shy to do that.

or too afraid to do it. I think I waited probably a year too long in 2020 to do it because I was rock bottom in summer 2020 and it took me a whole year and I do regret that. I try not to have many regrets but I thought I could have done something sooner. And you know, you're not going to get that time back. So reach out for help. Don't be afraid to do it.

It doesn't need to be me, but find a coach who you do trust, who feels safe with, who you can feel open with. And there's a lot of gay coaches out, gay coaches out there who will be able to help. Obviously, I'd love to be able to help, but, you know, it's all about connection and making sure it's the right fit for you as well.

Yeah. But I think don't be afraid to ask for help. I think so many of us are scared to do that. And there's a pride element there, but actually it's probably deeper than just, looking at your calories or burning off the pizza you had the night before, we need to break those patterns. We need to understand why the self-sabotage.

We need to look at your habits. We need to understand what your values are and get clarity on who you are and who you want to become, not who you've been. Yeah, I think asking for help, it is a superpower. I think it's the one that I, even now as well as you kind of, once you do it, you realize the power of doing it and you do it more and more. but even then sometimes you can get stuck in an ego of, oh, I know enough now so I don't need to ask anyone for help. And I think that's also a trap that people can fall into even further along and their development. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So I think it's about being, I mean, it comes back to

my values, which are courage, curiosity and connection, and all of those things can help you as well. Speaking of plugs, if people wanted to reach out and ask you for help or they just wanted to follow up on the work you're doing or ask any questions about today that they're curious about, where can they find you on the social media world? Yeah, the simplest place is just to follow me on Instagram, coach Stephen White, all one word, Stephen with a V and White with the Y, just to be difficult. But I do joke that my name is White because I like asking questions. That's what a coach does.

But yeah, Coach Stephen White. I am building a new website for my new program. which is the proud life revolution, which is specifically for getting men in midlife, who want to, yeah, get fit, get strong, get healthy and live their best life and understand who they are and who they want to be and become unstuck. All right. Brilliant. Stephen, thank you very much for today. I really enjoyed this conversation. We'll have everything in the show notes and really appreciate you. Awesome. Thanks so much, Carl. Appreciate it. Thanks for watching. If you like that episode and you want to see more content like this, make sure you're subscribed and I'll see you on the next one.