The Uneducated PT Podcast - Ep.75 Social Health, The loneliness epidemic, Community & Connection. (Solo Ep)

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Yes people welcome to Ep 75 I dive into my experience with loneliness, the different types, indivualistic society, hustle culture, karoshi a term for death by over work, the friendship recession, the sexless generation, the digital area, how to define success and much more. Support the pod by sharing it :) 

Okay, welcome to the first solo episode of the uneducated PT podcast with me, your host, Carlo Rourke. What are we now? Is this the 75th episode? 75th episode and maybe the 76, I'm not really sure. And this is going to be the first solo episode. And you know what? I don't really like doing solo episodes, but like I don't really like, what's the point having a one side of the conversation.

I much rather have a guest on, but I want to talk about social health and I want people to understand why I'm such a big advocate of this concept and for people to kind of get an understanding of where I'm coming from when I talk to the guests that I talk to and, you know, why I engage in the conversations that I engage in

or why I talk about things like relationships and family unit and, you know, hustle culture and individualism and community and friendship. And, you know, a lot of people would be like, why the fuck is a personal trainer talking about these things? Like stick to lifting, stick to counting reps and stick to telling people to track their calories. So I wanted to talk a little bit about it because I wanted you to get a better understanding into where I'm coming from. So this podcast episode is all going to be about social health

and the importance of social health, the importance of community, the importance of friendship, the importance of feeling connected to the world in order for you to be healthy. And I've made some notes here so I don't start rambling into different rabbit holes and stuff like that and kind of stay on track a little bit.

but yeah like I've been in the fitness industry for nearly nine years now and you know I've done multiple courses on behaviour change and nutrition and deep dived into these you know topics and you know I thought that I had it all figured out I thought I knew you know what health was and how to help people and what people actually needed and I used to think that like you know if you did push-ups you were healthy if you went to the gym you were healthy if you went running and looked at after yourself. That way, that was health, that was fitness. That was looking after yourself. Like if you were tracking your calories, that was health. If you were eating vegetables, you know, and eating fruit and making sure you hit your protein target, that's health. And, you know,

as long as you looked after your nutrition and your training, you would be fine. And I realized quickly over the last year that that's not the case because I was doing all them things. And yet, my well-being was not where it needed to be. And I'll talk a little bit about that later. But, you know, this is basically the Dunning Kruger effect. The Dunn-Krooger effect is essentially, you know, when you start off on a topic. And like I would say, being eight years into the fitness industry,

nine years into the fitness industry, I'm still a novice. You know, I'm still a beginner. I'm still learning my craft. But when we do start off anything, we think we know more than we do. And then when we do, start to learn a little bit about that topic we realize how much depth and how vast this topic is

and how many different kind of avenues you can go like health is such a wide um topic like there's so many different avenues that you can go down to so many different rabbit holes that you can venture down to and that's why there's so many different types of coaches in in the world but this is the dunn kruger effect you know when you start out you think you know what you're talking about and then you find out a little bit more about a topic you you actually gather a little bit more knowledge and then you realise you know nothing and I realize and this is why it's called the uneducated PT podcast this is why I call myself the uneducated PT because I do not know anything and the the realization of not knowing what I'm talking about has given me the humility to start to try and learn, try to bring interest and guests on and learn something, to take something from each conversation that I get into. And I still have an ego and I still fall into complacency of thinking, I know what I'm talking about,

or, you know, writing about a topic like I'm an expert and, you know, maybe I'm not an expert on certain things. Well, I'm not an expert on a lot of things, but particularly in terms of health and fitness and nutrition. And I think this is the, if, you always consider yourself a student or kind of ignorant, it helps you to be open to learning new things or to having a different perspective. And I think that's really important. You know, so like, as much as I thought I knew what I was talking about when it comes to training, that, you know,

progressive overload and, you know, three-day splits and four-day splits and, you know, consistency is key and, you know, doing exercises that have stability and, you know, finding out that, you know, most rep ranges will help you to build muscle and, you know, all these things that I was like, yes, all right, there we go. Now I'm, now I'm a trainer, now I'm a personal trainer that knows what he's talking about. And then, you know, getting my certificate in nutrition and being like, yeah, you need protein and you need some carbs and you need fats and these are going to do these things for you and make sure you get your vitamins and minerals and, you know, don't be listening to Charlottons on the internet who, you know, are you creating

fair-based messages that don't really impact you as long as your calories are controlled and you're eating 80% of your meals through whole foods and stuff like that. Like you do all them things. Then you're, you've the bulk of nutrition that you need. Everything else is just noise. And, you know, most of these people follow fair-based messaging and not nutrition science. And, you know, as long as you follow an evidence-based approach, you know, you'll realize that the simple advice is usually the right advice.

And, you know, then I figured that, you know, I know a little bit about nutrition now. Like I know enough to be able to coach people. I know enough to see the red flags to be able to know when people are talking shit and when people are, you know, being legit. And then I was like, okay, so, you know, I figured it out. I know what it is to be a trainer. I know what it is to help people with health seeking behaviors.

I know how to help people because I can get them physically fit and I know how to fix their diet so that they have the right. approach to, you know, lose body fat or lose weight or put on way or maintain their body way. And once they do all these things, they're going to be healthy. And then I realized that, you know, you can lift weights, you can eat the right nutrition, and you can journal and you can do self-development shit and you can go running. But there's a fundamental piece of that puzzle that you're missing. that we're all missing, that I was actually missing, and that's connection.

And I'll talk about it later, but, you know, the World Health Organization, who, they define health as a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being. But again, we forget about the social part. We forget about being, feeling connected. We forget about relationships. We forget about, you know, being part of a community. And like, this isn't just like woo-woo stuff. Like, like they have done hundreds of, you know, research studies on this showing that without that you will get sick. You will, you will start to deteriorate.

And this realization only came to me. So I'll go into, you know, how this came to, to basically make me realize what I've been missing was because basically last year I went through a very kind of intense spell of loneliness in my life, which most people would be very surprised to hear because I think there's a perception if you look from the outside of Carl's always around people and Carl's really social and, you know, but it's not really true. It's not really true at all. And I was as confused as anyone would be because You know, my whole life, you know, I had good quality relationships around me. I had friends.

I had big family. I was engaged in the community. You know, I was in relationship with someone. And, you know, I played sports, all these things that, you know, keep you connected to people. But life kind of just changes over time without you kind of realize them. And before I realized it, I was all on my own and not just on my own, not just, alone but feeling lonely because, you know, we have to, um, we have to make sure that we understand that the two things are not the same. Sometimes you can feel alone, but not lonely.

Um, where and sometimes you can be lonely, but not alone. It all depends on the quality of the connections that you have around you. Um, and, you know, this is a normal transition in life, I think, because I'll speak about it later, but loneliness is a very normal human experience that we all go through. And, you know, for me, what happened was, you know, I hit, my 30s. All right. And everyone knows when you hit your 30s, like the relationships,

the friendships, the friendships that you, you know, held on to so dearly start to become less and less frequent. Because, and it's no one's fault, you know, people start to get into relationships. They start to have kids.

They start to, they buy houses and then that house might be in a different area that you don't live anymore. People have jobs. People move different countries. And we just, it just gets harder and harder as you get older. to hold on to the friendships that you held onto so dearly.

And on top of that, so, you know, I wasn't seeing friends as much without really, this was all subconscious, by the way. So I wasn't seeing friends as much as I would. I didn't feel as connected in them friendships because of that. I also retired from football last year, which I think had a bigger impact than I realized. Because, you know, when you're playing sports, you're, you have people that are dependent on you to be there, which is really, really important. So, like, every week, you know, I, even when I was tired, even when I didn't want to go because it was raining out or whatever it is, I had

people who were dependent on me to be there. I had teammates and I had a coach. And so therefore, every Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday or whatever it is, like, I had to get out of my house and I had to go and interact with people. And no matter how crappy you feel at the time, you always feel better after, because you're engaging with other people, you're having a laugh. Like, and these were lads that I played football with for years as well. So, like, you start to build. really strong connections with them and friendships with them. You go on nights out together and so on and so forth. You're in a WhatsApp group together.

You're always chatting and stuff like that. And then, you know, that kind of just goes like that. And, you know, you've nothing really to replace that. And it's very hard to hold, it's very hard to hold on to them kind of connections when you don't have something that you're all kind of engaged in together. It's really difficult. And on top of that, obviously, I had a big family. I think there was like 10 of us in the house at one stage

between my two sisters, my brother, partners had my mum and my dad there. Obviously my mum passed away from cancer. I had dick, my nephew and niece were living in the house with my sister and her husband. You know, but everyone started to move out over time which is completely normal obviously and I moved out now and living in a one bed flat.

But, you know, I went from a house that was filled with, you know, conversations and laughters and arguments to almost the deafening sound of silence. And, you know, that's another thing. It's just another thing that gets taken away without you consciously knowing it. So it's like more like, you know, interactions on a regular basis where you might be, you know, having wholesome conversations with someone, it's just gone. And then on top of that as well, I also went through a breakup about two years ago as someone

that I was kind of on and off with for like eight years. and, you know, even though it might have been a little bit toxic at times because we didn't know how to communicate our frustrations. You know, it was still an integral relationship, an integral connection that just seemed to get pulled out from under me. And again, I'm not noticing all these things coming up. I'm not noticing all these life change and events. And I was also working online. I was an online fitness wanker for almost five years. Well, it was five years, almost six years.

and so, you know, I was working at a desk all day, which means, again, I'm not going out and I'm not, you know, interacting with people on a daily basis. I'm not, it's not like I have co-workers that I'm speaking to, you know, I'm sitting at the laptop all day doing bits and then, you know, jumping on Zoom calls and so on and so forth. And, you know, while that's fine, especially if you have other areas of your life where you're finding connection, like a lot of the connection that I get at the moment now comes from work, from interacting with people. people on a daily basis from getting out and being able to have conversations with people, being able to get out and just see people face to face and, you know, actually look forward to going home because I've been out at work all day where, you know, it was the opposite way where I was sitting at home on the desk all day for like, you know, eight, nine, ten hours a day and then needing to get out of the house because, you know, I've been sitting at home by myself all day. And I think that's a struggle that a lot of people with remote work are struggling at the moment is, you know, being at home all day and not realizing that that's actually having an impact on their mental health and their well-being. So like, you know, when you add up all these things, I see my friends less, I see my family less, I don't play football anymore, I'm working remotely, you know, I'm single now.

like all these things are building up for then me to basically have a fucking meltdown. And there's a great quote in the office, you know, the TV program. And I spoke about this in a talk that I did over in that loan. And it was like, I wish there was a way to know that you're in the good old days before you leave them. And I think that's correct. I think a lot of us don't realize how good we have it until everything gets taken away from us. You know, the friends we have, the family we have, the relationships that were. we're in, the co-workers that we get to spend time with, you know, the football team, the,

whatever, the GAA team, the, you know, the people that we hang around with in college, the people that we hang around with in school, the community that we're in right now, like a lot of the times we take for granted how much that's actually benefiting us. And this is basically called transitional loneliness. Now, transitional loneliness is a very normal human experience, like I said, that everyone goes through at some point. All right, like, you know, whether you, you know, move to a new city or you get a new job or you travel solo, there's so many, like, different ways in which, you know, we can be thrown off track and, you know, not feel connected.

You might retire from work and you don't know what to do with the rest of your life. You know, the kids might grow up and leave the nest and now, like, you're like, what am I going to do with all the spare time that I have? So transitional loneliness is a very normal human experience that we all go. true at some point. And the most important thing is that you need to correct that. And I corrected that by basically, you know, closing my online business and saying, I've had enough of this life that I'm living. I need to make a change. And the change for me was to integrate myself back in the gym. So it was integrating myself back where, back in public life, basically. And on top of that, obviously, I needed to

make other changes like, you know, not work so much and try to make time for my friends and don't say that oh yeah I'm too busy to do X, Y and Z, actually like, like set aside time for, for connection and for relationships and to, you know, be present and to put my phone down and to also try new things as well, like to try new things, try new activities where you can go out and you can actively meet people. So yeah, like what transitional loneliness basically is like transitions of your life and that's what was happening to me and it was making me, like my body was telling me that my body was telling me that there's something wrong. My body was telling me that something needed to change and it was up to me to be able to listen to my body and to make the changes.

So loneliness is you're just your body telling you that you have these unmet needs that you need to address. Now the problem occurs when this transitional loneliness doesn't, like you don't meet them unmet needs. Like chronic loneliness is basically, you know, just loneliness that goes on for a long, long period of time and it's extremely dangerous for our health and this is you know where I talk about like you can you know lift the weights you can eat the vegetables you can go running but if you don't deal with chronic loneliness if you don't deal with the disconnect that you have in your life that

you know you don't have enough fulfilling relationships you're not going to be healthy and there's this great study from a woman called Julianne Halt-Lunster and she this this study went viral you've probably heard it before but it's they compared loneliness to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day and worse than obesity and inactivity like think about that right we think about smoking as so unhealthy we think about obesity as so unhealthy but you know loneliness is a killer it's the silent killer and it's so so bad for our health and i'm going to give you a few statistics in terms of what's actually going on with chronic loneliness and and how this can affect us right so one research study showed that you can have a 26% higher risk of premature debt from chronic loneliness.

Another one said increases the risk of heart disease by 29% and a stroke by 32%. It raises the likelihood of developing dementia by 50%. It weakens your body's ability to fight off infections. You're 25% more likely to experience disrupted sleep, which actually that was happening to me well as I wasn't sleeping at night. Significantly raises cortisol levels, the body's stress hormone, two to three times more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, which I was suffering with,

a major contributing factor to suicidal ideation, thinking about, you know, suicidal law. And just contributes also to unhealthy eating patterns and weight gain. So it actually can tie into, like, you know the way I talk a lot about how you use food as a as a you know emotional a crutch for things that are going on in your life like it's a coping mechanism well if you're lonely you know and you need to feel something because you have these unmet needs like even going and having a pizza because it makes you feel better or having some chocolate or having some ice cream because you feel lonely and that can make you feel better for a moment

and you know while i don't think there's anything wrong with having pizza or chocolate or ice cream if that becomes your coping mechanism all the time, well then that's probably going to contribute to you feeling even worse about yourself because you're getting all this weight gain. Now you're feeling sluggish. You're feeling unenergetic. You're also crying out for connection. And I'll talk about a couple of studies that intertwine with this as well.

And loneliness has been shown to activate regions of the brain that are also associated with physical pain. So when you're lonely, you can physically feel it. Okay. And when we talk about loneliness, like I'm talking about this like it's a, you know, a taboo topic, which it is a taboo topic. But it's crazy that it is because one and four adults experience loneliness on a regular basis now. So if one and four adults are experienced this on a regular basis, not just now and again, like regular basis, why aren't we talking about it more? and I think people don't talk about it because it almost feels like oh you know it's a you know if you're a lonely that means there must be something wrong with you but it's such a normal thing especially in this kind of hyper individualistic society that we have created and when I talk about like a hyper individualistic society what I'm basically saying is like we we get so many messages these days like you know you are defined by your success and your success isn't um

how many friends you have. Your success isn't that you're in a loving relationship. Your success isn't that you have beautiful kids that, you know, you get to enjoy every single day with. No, like success now is, you know,

how much money you make, you know, how high you've climbed up the corporate ladder, you know, how much fame do you have? How many followers do you have? Like, this is how we define success,

which is absolutely insane. And you'll hear other things online like, I don't have kids yet because kids will hold you back. and you need to travel more and spend your money on travel and experiences and all these things that are like it's about me, me, me, me, me, not we. And I think that is making a lot of people very sick, a lot of people very depressed, a lot of people very anxious. And we have this huge kind of industry for well-being now.

And, you know, we need this big huge multi-million dollar euro pound industry because there's so many people who feel sick now because they've no connection in their life, they've no community, they've no purpose, they've no meaning. And it's because they're focusing on me, me, me and not we. And you'll hear like even messages like leave your friends, drop all your friends if they don't support your career or they don't like every single post that you put up about your business and all this crap basically, feeding into this kind of hustle culture, individualistic kind of

you know get to the top of the ladder and you know leave everyone behind if they're slowing you down and there's a lot more statistics that you know contribute to this feeling of loneliness that we all are going through

in the society that we're living in and one of them is time spent alone so latest reports found that people are spending more time alone than ever before and the average daily time spent alone has gone from five hours up to seven and a half hours a day. So people are, on average, people are spending seven and a half hours alone by themselves, which is a lot of time to be spending on your own.

Like we did not spend that type of time alone. We, like back in the day, everyone just was around each other all the time. Everyone was in like tight-knit communities. And, you know, I know when I was younger, like I couldn't fucking go for a piss without someone being around because there was just people in and out of the house all the time. But that's human nature. we're bonded by community, we're bonded by connection. Also, the average time spent on a smartphone has now gone from, well, it's reports found

we spend two and a half months a year checking our phone. That's insane and that's the average. Now, I'm actually higher than that, which, so I can't really say anything about that, but we're spending two and a half months a year checking our phone. So two and a half months a year, not looking up at people, not being present with people, not being present in conversation. Instead, what we're doing is we're just looking at a screen, looking at a screen, looking at a screen, not interacting with each other, interacting with the digital world. And this also ties into the friendship recession.

So basically, the friendship recession, there's research showing that 15% of men say that they have zero close friends. 15% of men, this is an American study now. So that's approximately 18 million men in America alone reporting zero close. friends not being able to account not being able to ring anyone in an emergency like that's absolutely wild and then we we ask why we have such a high number of men dying by suicide and yet they don't even have someone to call when they're feeling the way that they're feeling um i think that's really scary i think that's really scary it also ties into the marriage rate decreasing as well so the marriage rate has become the lowest record in history.

So 50% decrease in marriage, which I think also ties into like, say what you want about marriage. Like I understand that there's lots of horror stories of people being in toxic relationships and I'm not saying to stay in toxic relationships or anything like that. But I do think that, you know,

we've been brought up in a society that says the minute that you get into an argument with your partner, just leave them because, you know, they're not supporting you. They're gaslighting you. Using all this fucking. therapy, words that you've learned off TikTok.

Whereas before it was like, okay, marriage is difficult, marriage is hard, try and work things out as best as you can because it's really important for not just you and your partner, but also, you know, having kids and, you know, families being together and that, you know, contributes to the overall community and people feeling bonded and feeling. connected, you know, so, and I remember, um, I, I've recorded the podcast, uh, with Sean, who used to be a divorce, divorce, divorce attorney. And, uh, he said something that stuck with me was like most people that he met that, uh, got divorced, bar maybe kind of like physical abuse could have worked things out, could have worked things out. Um, and that's not to kind of shame

anyone who has gone through divorces or anything like that. But I just think that because the marriage rate is declining, because people think that they'll just get divorced if they get married, people are not getting married as often. And I think that's also contributing to this loneliness epidemic that we have. And it's not just marriage either. Like people are having less sex than ever before. Young people, I think, what is it?

No sexual activity. has continued to rise for males. So young male virginity on the rise. So share of men under the age of 30 who report zero female sex partners since they turned 18. So from 18 to 30, there's a huge rise from 8% to 20% of men

who haven't had any sex. And I think that's absolutely wild. So like we're not having sex. And that's because people aren't going out anymore. People aren't going out. People aren't interacting with people. People are just looking at their phones. And then obviously you have all these dating apps that actually just don't even work because everyone just thinks they're everyone's disposable.

It's like, oh, you're, I don't like you. I'm just going to move on to the next person. And again, this all comes from the digital age, I think. And I'm not saying that, you know, like I use social media. I use, you know, the digital world to help me in so many ways. But there's a great, there's a great quote from a man called Thomas Sowell. and he says there are no solutions only trade-offs. And I think we have gained convenience in this world through the digital era, but we've lost connection as a byproduct of that. And if you think about that, like, you no longer need to, like let's say you're single, you no longer need to go up and ask someone for their number.

You no longer lead to have that kind of approach anxiety. You don't even need to go on an awkward date anymore because, you know, people can just, like especially kids, they can just stay at home and watch porn or go on only fans and, you know, basically sedate themselves, like stay in their room and get this kind of fake connection that they get from talking to someone on the screen. And I think that's quite dangerous as well. So yeah, we don't need to go on dates anymore. We don't need to talk to people anymore.

We don't need to make the effort anymore because we have this kind of access to so many things online, whether it's only fans, whether it's porn, whatever it is. and even like day to day things like you no longer need to go to the shop and talk to the checkout lady anymore you know you can go straight to a self-service machine so we're i know these aren't like meaningful connections these are just interactions but these interactions are actually really important as well because you can't create connection without interaction you need to interact with people first and then you form a connection through conversation you know over over a long period of time or maybe a short period of time but again like we can go to the self-sum service machine. We don't need to talk to the checkout lady. You know, they even have this thing where you can get a silent Uber's now. So, oh, you don't want to talk to your taxi driver anymore. You just use the silent Uber. And again, they're going to have like self-serve or self-driving cars in the future as well. So you're just eliminating that human connection again and again and again. And I think it's important to talk to your taxi driver. You know, talk shite to your taxi driver. Ask them, are they busy tonight?

Like the things that people say all the time. And then you end up getting into a wholesome conversation about, you know, how they came from India to Ireland and now they're driving this car and, you know, they've set up their family and, you know, life is good and stuff like that. Like, these wholesome conversations are important for society. But again, we're trading these things off. We're like we don't want to have conversations with people anymore. And the less we do it, the worst we get at having conversations, the more socially anxious we get.

Even like sales assistance and stuff like that. Like, you don't need to go into a shop now and, you know, pick out your clothes or get someone to help you pick out your clothes like you just go to Amazon delivery and they drop your clothes straight to the door so again you're eliminating human connection and even in terms of like going to Nando's or something instead of going up to the till or getting the waiter or the waitress and having a conversation with them and order in your field now you're just scanning the barcode so again like another human connection or human interaction being replaced for your phone basically like we're all having

relationships with our phone now instead of actual human beings, which I think is insane. And like, I know some of you are listening to this and you're probably thinking that, oh, well, you know, I don't like awkward conversations and therefore this is easier for me that I, you can avoid these awkward conversations. I can go for these, you know, convenient things in my life that I can use through the digital era. But if we don't learn to have to be, you know, convenient things in my life, that I can use through the digital era. But if we don't learn to have interactions with people, how are we going to form any sort of connection? And, you know, yeah, you might not be best friends with your taxi driver, but, you know, learning the skill of conversation is really important to create connection down the line, as I said.

And we can see on like online communities and stuff like that that people are crying out for connection. Like people are lonely. Like there's, there's so many things that I see in when I was preparing for this talk in at loan. and I was like deep diving into the loneliness epidemic. And like I was reading some of the comments that yet, like young people were saying online and like they were saying on things like Reddit and stuff like that. And they were saying things like, you know, I just want one person who loves me for who I am. And like reach out to a friend.

It's funny how they think I have friends. Like what kids don't have friends? What 19, 20, 21 year old doesn't have a friend? Like that's devastating. You know, like have you ever felt forgotten in your WhatsApp group or, you know, I've been considering suicide. I've been feeling extremely lonely and I've known to talk to and, you know, has anyone felt so lonely that they can physically feel it? Like all these things and like there was one that really stuck to me.

It was like you will never understand what real loneliness means until you've been so lonely that you will go to the supermarket just to see people. And like how devastating is that that like people are so crying out for human interaction for someone to look at them in the eye that they'll literally go. and do a food shops just so they can get one piece of interaction. And it also goes to show you that, you know, you saying hello to a stranger or being nice to a stranger could literally be the difference between that person killing themselves or not.

Like that's how serious it is. Like, you know, you know, when you see people like you see a, I see an old, after doing this talk, if I see an old person in the, sitting on a bench, reading a book or something like that, like the first thing that comes into my mind is like when was the last time someone spoke to that person because like people are spending months at home by themselves with no one to interact with and it's killing them and it's but it's not even just old people like the loneliness the loneliest demographic right now is actually 18 to 24 year olds which is insane which is actually insane

and it just goes to show the society that we've created now is you know setting these kids up for devastation. And the problem with loneliness is, and it's something that I had to kind of deal with as well, is they call it the chronic loneliness trap. So you feel lonely and therefore you have these negative thoughts. Like, you know, no one wants to be my friend. I'm worthless.

Like, and because you have these negative thoughts in your head, then you create these negative expectations. Like, you know, there's no point in me going to that party because no one's going to talk to me because no one ever talks to me. Or there's no point in me asking that girl for her number because, you know, every time I ask someone for the number, I get rejected. So therefore I'm just going to like shell into myself. And because these

negative thoughts have created negative expectations, you no longer take action. And if you no longer take action, then it just continues to become this vicious cycle of you getting lonelier and lonelier. And it's and then it's just too difficult for people to get out of that trap. and I used that this as an example and it was about the Grinch because there's this misconception that you ever knows obviously the Christmas film The Grinch

and there's this misconception that the Grinch hated Christmas and he hated people which isn't true at all in reality his feelings were rooted in pain and rejection not hatred like the Grinch felt like an outsider

from society so he opted out of society do you see how this kind of feeds into itself if you feel like a loser or if you feel like nobody loves you, if nobody wants to interact with you, no one's going to give you attention. You're not going to seek it out

because you're reinforcing this idea that you will always be lonely and therefore you stick to yourself. And that was the same idea with the Grinch. It was only when a little girl called Cindy Liu actually reached out with love and kindness to the Grinch that that changed his perception. And, you know, like that started to heal him.

And so therefore he decided that he was, you know, going to, I don't know, just integrate himself into society. And I think that's what a lot of people need right now. A lot of people need like a real life Cindy Lou, a real life person who is going to reach out with love and kindness and, you know, offer that connection that we need on a human level. But it's really hard to do. Like, like so many people are lonely and yet nobody's reaching out and helping each other. And I think it's sad.

I think it's sad. And, you know, again, society obviously really. reinforces this. There was a, there's a, there's a Japanese term called Kodokashi, all right, and it basically means lonely, lonely deaths. And like, uh, the statistics from Japan, it reports that there are under 40,000 people who died alone in 2024. So 40,000 people died alone in 2024. And nearly 4,000 bodies were discovered, more than a month after death. So like, we have all these people who are lonely. We've all these people who aren't in the Rack. them with each other and we have these people who are dying alone and not being discovered for months at a time and like if you look at the pictures of of these uh kodokashi uh am i pronouncing that right code kodakushy sorry kota kushy deaths um if you look at these pictures like the people are basically like the old people who died alone in their apartments like they're basically you know cemented into the into the floor and the dirt

of the apartments and, you know, they have, in Japan, like, they have just like a government scheme where it's just like people just go around finding these old people who died in their apartments alone and cleaning out the apartment and, you know, putting them away. And I, and I think with people having less and less kids and people not getting married and people, you know, living by themselves more and more, you're going to have more and more older people who don't have any connections, don't have a partner and kids and friends. So therefore you're going to have more people living on their own

and more people dying on their own and then you're going to need to have more government schemes where there's people just going around cleaning up after these people who are dying by themselves and they're going to have to have these kind of charities where we try and look after the elderly as much as we can because, you know, there's a great charity called Alone in Ireland that does good work on this, but like there will be, there will be a need for more and more because more and more older people

are dying alone. And I think that's really sad. And, you know, I spoke about how, you know, this thought made me think about my mum because, you know, she, she had cancer and the doctors gave her a couple of days to live. And, you know, one thing about my mum is she, she had a good connection around her, like, her friends loved her, her family loved her. She made time for her friends. She went on walks every day with them. She always went out of her way to talk to people. Like, I remember one Christmas, there was a man called Sean who lived across the road.

And he was living by himself. He was in his 80s. He was from Cork, I think. And I was only young at the time. And my mum invited him over for Christmas dinner. And at the time, I was like, what are you doing inviting strangers over to have Christmas dinner with us? And she was like, you know, he's on his own.

you know, we have an extra seat at the table. Why wouldn't we invite our neighbour over for Christmas Day? And at the time, you know, I was just a selfish young kid, you know, who didn't know anything about the world. But the more I think about that act of kindness, of reaching out to your neighbour and offering them a seat at your table, like, that is something that we all should live up to. Like, that is something that I need to live up to. And I don't, not to that degree, not yet anyway, but I'm trying.

And I think if the world did that, the world would be a better place, especially in this loneliness epidemic that we have. And, you know, that's why when she was, you know, on her debt bed, she had countless visitors, people coming in and crying and saying goodbye to her because she made time for people. And I think when we offer ourselves, offer our presence to people, you know, that's what, true success is. You know, it's not how much money you had in the bank. It's not climbing up the corporate ladder. It's not, you know, how many medals you achieved or any of this. Like, it's not fame. It's not followers. It's, you know, the people that you impacted. I think that is the real measure of wealth, of success, you know, the people that you impacted. And she did that really, really well. And, you know, I would, I would want that for a lot of people. I don't want

anyone to die by themselves alone with no one to say goodbye to and no one to be at their side in their last moments. I think that's quite sad. And, you know, this is prevalent in Japan. It's prevalent in Germany. It's prevalent in Italy. It's, and to a degree, the UK and Ireland. And I think it's only going to get bigger in this individualistic society that, you know, it's, and it's only going to get bigger in this individualistic society that we have created. And, you know, when I see a society like Japan that glorifies, like being a lone wolf and hustle culture and make your money before getting into a relationship and be independent and don't rely on others, like, that is a society that has lost the forest for the trees.

Like, Korochi is a Japanese term that means death from overwork. And, you know, there's been countless suicides and, you know, people having heart attacks and strokes from, you know, just working constant hours. Like it's like if you leave your desk, it's like shamed in Japan or it used to be anyway. And there was this girl, like I'm gonna butcher her name, but Matusori Takashi, basically.

And she was a 24 year old employee of this company in Japan. And they basically had her work on 100 hour weeks. Like she was overworked like, like ridiculous. And in that company, they had the culture of if you complained about working hard or overworking or doing extra time,

they would shame you basically. And on December 25th Christmas Day, she jumped off the top building because she couldn't take it anymore. And then Japan went through this big huge thing where they were like, okay, we need to change this culture because it is not healthy for our society and for our people that we're prioritising work over everything else. over relationships, over people, over, you know, family, over friends. And there's a huge study on this.

Like people want to figure out what the definition of success is or how can I be successful or what's going to make me happy. But like they've already done the research on this. So the Harvard study of adult development is one of the longest running studies on happiness and on health. And it follows hundreds of men from different socioeconomic backgrounds. So you had Harvard students to underprivileged. Boston boys, people who lived in rough neighborhoods. And what they did was they tracked these people

from all different walks of life throughout their life from when they were a kid all the way up until they died. And they would get them to fill out these surveys, like what do you think success? What does success mean to you and stuff like that? And at the start, many participants believe that success, fame and wealth would lead to happiness, which a lot of us do think that or fall into the trap of that anyway.

But however, what they found over time that the study revealed that the happiest and the healthiest individuals were the ones who were able to maintain strong, meaningful relationships with both their friends, their family, and their communities. Okay?

And those who were isolated or lonely because they couldn't maintain strong relationships for whatever reason reported worse physical and mental health outcomes, including depression, cognitive decline, the client and obviously, you know, earlier death. So like the quality of our lives is going to be determined by the quality of our relationships. And if you have strong meaningful connections in your life, but with your friends, with your family, with your community, you will be healthier.

Like the research is clear for everyone to see. So like, as I said, you know, like human connection, friendships, relationships, like they're not just nice to have. Like, they're imperative for both our, you know, social well-being or physical well-being. So, like, we can convince ourselves that we don't need other people to be happy, but biologically, we do. And, you know, again, you can eat the vegetables, you can drink the water, you can lift the weights, you can go running, you can journal. But without human connection in your life, you're going to be missing a big piece of the puzzle. and another research

that was I thought really, really good in terms of social connection and this was on it was on that it was a TED talk

with Johann Harry Johan Harry has talked about multiple different things from GLP ones to connection to addiction and this was basically

called the Rat Park study now he didn't conduct this study someone else did but he actually he made a he made a go viral essentially.

So the rat park study basically investigated the relationship between environment and addiction. So what they did was they put these rats in these isolated cages and they offered them water or water laced with morphine. And over time the rats consumed more and more and more morphine, which is obvious. But what they did and then every time when they put these rats in these isolated cages, every single rat odied. They all overdosed on morphed. morphine in the end. And again, it was because they had no social connection. But what they did is they

created another house where they called it like rat park. And you know, this was a place where they had rats. They put rats in there and they gave them places, you know, a lot of space to play. And they gave them swings and toys and other rat friends so they could run around and chase each other and, you know, play and have sex and, you know, do what social creatures do. And what was interesting about the study was even though the rats at rat park had access. to the morphine, they continue to just drink the water. Even when they were given the morphine

to see if they would continue to take it, they didn't continue to take it. They continued to just drink the water. And what this basically shows is that like, you know, when we feel lonely, when we don't feel connected, we look for ways in order to replace that feeling. And we've replaced that feeling.

Like we compensate it with drugs, with drink, with food, with gambling, with porn. like something to make us feel something. But when we feel, like I know it myself. Like when I, when I feel lonely, I end up ordering more takeaway. Because it's helping me to feel something that's missing in my life. And again, some people might have a drink. Some people might do a line.

Some people might watch porn, whatever it is. So like it's some people might have casual sex looking for that connection. And, you know, conflating the two. So it's, once you start to realize this, it's hard to judge people. And, you know, I think it's important to. remember that connection and environment and being around people who love us and being around feeling like we belong to something. I think that has the power to heal a lot of people. And that's why AA works really well. It's because, you know, it's a group of people coming together and being

vulnerable and talking about, you know, their struggles without judgment. I'm feeling like they're in a safe place. And so that's essentially it. So, you know, the rap act study and, you know, even The Grinch, the movie, like it both shows us that while isolation can deepen wounds and, you know, make us more bitter about life, like The Grinch or, you know, make us OD, like the rats do. If we have relationships in our life, it has the ability to heal us. Like, it's the ability to improve our health. And that's why I think it's so important to make sure that while, you know, pursuing our success, our goals, whether that goal is weight loss or to get fitter

or to be the best of the best, whatever it is, to do it on your own without people and to neglect the relationships in your life and pursue of your goals is the biggest failure of all time. The biggest failure of all time. You are missing the forest for the trees. So, you know, I think it's important that, you know, while it's important to work hard

and to chase after goals and to pursue weight loss or to pursue health or whatever it is to go, for that company that you want to build or, you know, complete that race that you want to complete or whatever it is. Don't forget your friendships. Don't forget your community. Don't forget your family. Whoever it is. And I know there's probably a lot of people that are listening to this and like, well, Carl, I don't have any of that, you know? You might have been in a situation where I was where you felt alone. You felt like nobody had you and you didn't have anyone. And what I would say to that is like you it's really, really difficult, but you have to

put yourself out there and you have to be vulnerable and you have to have the courage to be vulnerable. And you have to have the courage to say that right now I feel lonely and I feel disconnected. And I want people in my life who make me feel seen and make me feel safe. And that is a difficult, difficult thing because that takes time and effort and the courage to be vulnerable. But you also have to remember that you might have had people in your life like that before. And whatever happened throughout life, you started to kind of get pulled apart, whether people had kids or people moved to a different area or whatever it is. So you might have friendships in your life even that, you know, you could re-engage with, that you could text

someone and say, listen, you know, I miss hanging around with you. Is there any way that we could meet up because, you know, I want, I want that relationship in my life. But you have to have, you have to have the awareness to understand that that's something that's missing in your life and then pursue it. And there's a really good, there's a really good quote from Simon Seneca and he goes, ask him for help is an act of service. Don't deny the people who love you, the honor of being there to support you. Don't deny the people who love you the... Don't deny the people who love you the honor of being there to support you.

Like, think about that, right? Like, when we're struggling, the last thing we want to do was tell people that we're struggling because it makes us feel weak, it makes us feel vulnerable. But if you have people in your life that you now want to be there to support you, like, that's what a good friend is, right? You can't be a friend to someone if you don't want to be there to support them in their hour of need. And, you know, if someone's, and what, like, what do people say all the time when their friend dies by suicide?

They're almost angry. They say things like, I wish he would have said something. I wish he would have reached out. I'm pissed off that he didn't reach out because I could have been there to support him. I could have been there to help him. So don't deny the people who love you, the honor of being there to support you. Like, if I have a friend who is struggling at the moment who feels lonely, like, I know what that feels like and I want to be there to support them. And I've had friends like that who have supported me.

you know, in my hour of need when when I've got bad news or when I feel like a loser, if I feel like, you know, nobody has me, you know, to have someone who doesn't want to sit, doesn't want to solve your problems because I think that's a big thing that friends make a mistake of trying to fix the problem. But just to sit there and to hold space for someone

and just to sit in the mud with them, to be present with them, not having to say anything, but just knowing that, someone's there to support you that you know you're not alone that you are loved um but again we just want to kind of do things all ourselves so yeah i think that's that's really powerful like ask asking for help is an act of service don't deny the people who love you the honor of being their support to support you and you know in today's society we do treat friendship as a as a second-class relationship that's why we tend to cancel on our friends quicker than we would a romantic partner or a meeting or

or something like that. And that's why I love the play on slogan of like make friendship great again. Because it's integral for about our health and our happiness. So, you know, that's what I would say. I would say let's try to reconnect with old friends. Let's try to prioritize friendship and prioritize our partners and prioritize our family and being like, yeah, I know I have this project to do. or, you know, I know that I'm on a diet,

but, you know, having ice cream with my daughter is a lot more important than me losing a pound this week. So, yeah, I think they're all kind of important things. So, you know, in a world where people are spending more time alone than ever before, where we're forming fewer friendships, we're not getting married, we're not having children, we're not having sex, we're interacting less and less with each other, we're spending hours online.

You know, we report higher levels of anxiety and the, depression, you know, most people think that their phone is their best friend at this stage. You know, in a society where people are, you know, being buried without anyone at their funeral, where people are being found in their home months later, unnoticed and alone, you know, where suicide rates are rising, where social isolation has become the norm. Like, this is a fractured society that we live in. So, you know, never underestimate the power of a meaningful conversation to be able to tell a friend that you're, that you love them and that you're here for them,

to be able to talk to a stranger and ask them how their day is. Like, all these things make society a better place. Be like my, my mum and, you know, ask your neighbor to Christmas dinner or to Easter Sunday or whatever it is because, you know, it has the profound ability to restore connection in this disconnected world.

So, you know, my favorite meme of all time is in a world of algorithms and hashtags and followers, know the importance of human connection. So, you know, that's why I am a personal trainer who will advocate for human connection for a social health. And I think, you know, fitness can be a great place to find that, to find community, to interact with other people, to go on social hikes and to make a friend and, you know, to have a structure for your week. And, you know, just to have a smile with someone or have a conversation with someone. Like, it could be the only time they have that throughout their day. So, um, that is what I want to advocate for. I want to advocate for people needing people, relationships being important, and using fitness and connection to give people whole health,

not just physical health, not just mental health, but social health. So that's it. That's a wrap, folks. That is my first ever solo podcast. I hope you enjoyed it. If you enjoyed it,

what I would ask you to do is maybe share it on social media, on Instagram, on Facebook, whatever you use, because I don't ask much from this podcast, but for it to continue to grow and to reach more people and have these kind of nuanced conversations,

it's the listeners who listen that are the ones and them showing their support and sharing it to other people. It's the best way to grow the platform. So if you enjoyed this episode and you want to share and give me a tag, that would be, I would love that. So thank you and enjoy the rest of your Monday.

Thank you.