The Uneducated PT Podcast - 🎙 Episode 118 — Dating, Tinder & the Paradox of Choice

Episode Date: September 18, 2025

🎙 Episode 118 — Dating, Loneliness & the Paradox of Choice In this week’s episode, Ger and Rob dive headfirst into modern dating culture from endless swipes on Tinder to why more people are single now than ever before. We unpack:Why dating apps create more options but less satisfactionThe psychology behind match disparity and self-esteemHow swiping connects to the rising loneliness epidemicWhether “too many choices” is actually making us unhappier in relationships

Today we're going to discuss a little bit of dating dynamics, a little bit on travel, a little bit on fitness, a little bit about all the stuff that we talk about anyway. Does that sound fair? Yeah. All right. So, this is the first question that I pulled up on Reddit. So this is 30 year old male single, travel the world or settle down question mark. So I'm 30 years old now single, recently. quit my job volunteering in exchange for money. I was planning to solo travel for six months and use that money but I also have the feeling that I should settle down, find a new job and a partner. I want to have a partner for sure. I feel I've been wasting my time. I feel like I could be wasting my time with this trip. It doesn't help that most of my friends are getting married or in serious relationships. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? What was your

decision and how did it end up any opinions on this place not to be pedantic but instantaneously I just thought volunteering for money how does that work sell your stuff my job oh sorry quit my job voluntarily in exchange of money okay oh got you yeah there is lots of volunteer jobs that you can get paid for though as well yeah I'm I'd say man I'd go off and do the traveling. Like, because when you, like, I was only talking to someone earlier, and they were saying,

you don't have that choice to just go, I'm going to go away for a month and just decide it's happening. If you're settled with a house, a partner, even a kid or anything like that, you can't just fuck off for a month when you have all that stuff. No. No, so it's easier to do it now and then come back and look for it. and everyone's

sure everyone we know is getting married getting engaged or getting a house or doing that then there's plenty of people not doing it but to play devil's advocate do you want to be let's say you decide to go travelling and you know do you ever see them people

who are like in their 40s and like they still haven't settled down and they're like going from hostel to hostel and they kind of come home for a little bit and they don't really know they don't really have any purpose when they get home because they haven't because they decided to you know

wait a little bit longer well if I'm travelling around the world solo in my 40s I'd like to think I won't be doing it in hostels I'd like to think I have something else going on than allow me to do that kind of fucking life going you know online business you know working away as you move around, not just fucking, um, not washing myself and growing out dreadlocks. No offense to anyone with dreadlocks.

Yeah, fair enough. I just wanted to play devil's advocate. What do you think, Rob, as someone who is, uh, about to go? Is this your, is this your first big solo trip? Yeah, I'd say so. I've been to like summer camp in America before and traveled around with people after that, obviously that's the opposite of solo. Um, yeah. Yeah, I'd say this probably is. First three or four months stint of being away. Where are you going? What are you doing?

Tell the listeners. So I'm off to New Zealand at the end of the year. I've got a couple of, I mean, said solo trip. I've got a couple of mates who have just moved out there. South Island of New Zealand, Dunedin. And, yeah, basically just heading out there, have a bit of an explore, thought, had it on my mind for a little while for various reasons. Single, no commitments.

Work is online unless so they're little. smirk ledger. Workers online and I thought just why not, I've not got the commitments like the house, family, whatever. Do you, would you say that you would have similar apprehensive thoughts like this man? So what did he say? So I also have this feeling that I should settle down, find a new job and a partner. I want to have a partner for sure.

I feel like I might be wasting my time with this trip. What do you think? A little bit. I don't think wasting my time with the trip is something that I'm worried about too much. But there's definitely the apprehensions around what I want next in life. And I obviously messaged you guys the other day about this and just said, I maybe I didn't. Yeah, I've just been starting to think about what's next and got those anxieties around. Now I actually have to be a human.

Now I have to, well, no, I've been a human. That's a bit unfair. But like, I have to. Demonic. Yeah. Your whole life. I need to be an adult now. Yeah.

And it's the committing to stuff. And I was thinking yesterday, it's there putting yourself in a position where you could be abandoned rather than the position where you are the person abandoning what you're doing or who you're with or whatever. What do you mean by that? So I think the last decade or so,

I've probably been like, I'm in the headspace where I'm here for a couple of years. I'm going to then do this. I'm planning on doing this after. And I don't have anywhere that I'm going to kind of commit to. I've committed to relationships, but I think I've still been a little bit flighty in that regard. Work's always been remote so that I can relocate if need be. Yeah, we don't need to get into the abandonment issues thing just yet, but we can if you want.

Well, we already had that last week when Carol ditched us for the pod. Yeah, yeah. Cheers, Carl. So what do you want to get out on this trip, do you think? do you think you'll do you think you would settle down somewhere other than the UK? Up until a couple of months ago, I think I'd say yes. Like I'd consider it. What changed?

What's her name? God. No, it's not that. It's the typical thing of family. I think I'd need to be closer to family. I know it's accessible. You can fly back. within 24 hours but I can drive and be in control of a five-hour journey

in the UK. It's a huge difference, 24 hours on a plane, five hours down the road. Yeah, and like a two grand flight ticket as well. Yeah. It's mad. In which case I'd have to commit to a job that pays well, which probably wouldn't let me do that willy-nilly. Yeah, so family, I'd say. That's probably the short answer. And if I did end up getting into a relationship and kids, etc, etc. Down the line,

it would be nice to have family around for that as well. What if you meet someone in New Zealand and they don't fancy living in the UK? Next question. I don't know. I'd be open to it. I'm open to different opportunities and different experiences,

but I'd probably be quite hesitant to get involved with that properly. Jer, have you done any kind of long-term travelling? I went to the States after college. I got one of those graduate visas and used a lot of loopholes to avoid getting an unpaid internship travel around New England for a vote. I'd say about six six in a bit months I was doing loops of New England,

New York, Boston, down to Philly, New Hampshire. I ended up then in like Vermont because I went into this Irish bar, that had a whiskey bar next door and they were like, would you like a job in the whiskey bar? And I was like, yeah, why not? And then they found out that they sponsored the local rugby team and it got me back into rugby over there. So that was the first, that was the first big one I did on my own. Then I think I did a couple of over and backs, like three, four months stints over there, over those couple of years leading up to 2016.

seen. I always kind of had it in my head that if I was going to if I was going to work for someone else I'd probably do it abroad and if I was going to set up a business or something like I do it here at home. Why is that?

I think when you're we'll say for America context everyone wants to help you out because you have a fucking accent that's the big thing there but like people will actually help you out here at home.

It's the whole local thing, promote local word of mouth. It travels a lot better over there. Like I was looking at rugby coaching jobs when I was over there. And like, I think I joke to one of the lads. It was like getting paid 60 odd grand to wear shorts and a t-shirt, you know, teaching people how to do sports and gym stuff. And I was like, I've kind of done that now at home just in a different way. And it's a lot easier to market a business here.

like I said it to a client this morning to word them out okay but here's a question here let's say you were able to get your like online business like thriving and you didn't have to work in person anymore would you prefer to then do that at home or would you prefer to kind of travel the world doing that travel the world probably moved to a beach

that's interesting yeah because I kind of see it like this right so the thing with the online remote work right the digi nomads is like sometimes it's like paralysis by analysis and the fact that you have the freedom

to go anywhere in the world and then you've so many options that it's kind of hard sometimes to make a decision then and to just pick somewhere and settle. I probably, to be honest, I'd probably settle somewhere

because it would be cheaper living than it is here at the moment but I'd be able to travel around then when I want. Yeah. Like I talk about moving to somewhere with a beach and stuff and I was like,

then, there's the dream of setting up a lovely gym that's looking over the water and you have all that so it's not like it's not like I just constantly hop everywhere it's you'd set up a base somewhere else that's easier to live financially and then

have the option of having like a stop-off in between home home there and going everywhere else that's probably the way I'd look at it that makes sense what about you Rob I think it's a part of the reason why I set up my tutor in and want

to move into coaching online a bit more is purely to get around, meet new people, see new places, experience loads of different things in different cultures. But what I've learned from a bit of shorter term travelling by myself is it's not as good unless you're doing it with someone that you've got a connection with. Are you a good community? So, like, I joked about hostels before. I went around Europe for a few weeks last summer in hostels. and I met some decent people, but most of the travelling around was by myself

and it was having to find nice places in nice weather. Otherwise, it wasn't actually that great an experience. It was great overall. I'm going to be super pessimistic, but... Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean by that because I've gone to places by myself and stuff like that, and it's great, but it's also like, well, like, this could be better if I had, like, good quality relationship.

with me as well because it's like it's just not the same if you're I don't experiences aren't the same if you're experiencing them by yourself I don't think because you're just experiencing them in your head like yes you can go back home and talk to people about them but they haven't experienced it with you it's nice when yeah you can kind of have a back and forth with mates like hopefully we'll have as long as we don't fall out in Bali um yeah hopefully we'll have that with Bali and we can it will be my fault I I've I've I'm very good now now recognizing because obviously I've traveled with people before I've traveled with friends before as well and I I've I can recognize my limitations for people so it's like it's

like okay uh all right here we've had our two hours I got to go over here and now and just have some me time because if I spend any more time with you I'm gonna turn into a terrible person and like I had that like with friends who was like I would always get on with them but then when you spend 24 hours a day with them and you're traveling with them and you're traveling with them constantly. It's like, why do you chew so loud? Stop chewing so loud. Do you know, it's all them like little things that start to kind of, uh, to,

to, I don't know, start to creep in and stuff like that. We'll be staying, we'll be staying in a big enough place that we won't have to see each other for a couple of hours a day and I'm all for leading a mutiny and leaving you behind somewhere. Yeah, well, I think because, like, when I was traveling, when I was traveling when I was younger it was like because you're traveling cheap you're like you're constantly in like small spaces with each other you're like in a fucking eight bed dorm and then you're getting buses together and like there's just whereas like when you're traveling when you're a little bit older and you have a little bit more money it's like okay let's instead of going for this 13 euro hostel let's go

and get my own rooms let's go let's let's have our own room where we can you know chill out and stuff like that um okay all right So now I wanted to go into this. So obviously I put these, I was putting up these, I made a post earlier, right? And it was basically all on like, because obviously I'm doing like a project on there, on loneliness and the links between that, right? So obviously today I wrote about Tinder and how swiping can breed loneliness. And then I looked up the data on that, right?

So I'll give you a bit of data around this. So women had an average match of 30 points. 7% men had an average match of only 2.63%. That's like, yeah. They're happy swiping. That means women are more than 10 times more likely to receive matches than men, all right? And that's from a 20, 23 study, so relatively new. And the psychological toll of disparity.

So a small group of men, the most conventionally attractive top percentile, get the bulk of female attention. women even highly attractive ones end up competing for a small pool of high status men because the apps are designed to amplify inequality. This creates a distorted perception of dating, supply and demand, making women feel that men have endless options while the majority of men feel invisible. So Rob, as a good looking man, do you have endless options? Well, I'm not on dating apps at the moment. Yeah, but you do have you have experience on dating apps, right? You've gone on a couple of dates using Tinder or what else have you used? Hinge, Bumble.

Yeah. So what, because I also have some Reddit questions here that I want to go into, but what has your experiences been on them? Like, it's varied. Um, I think when you're, so admittedly, I have paid for it previously and when you're on it unpaid. you struggle to get them because either people have liked you that you just don't get shown or you just have such

limited exposure to other people but yeah sometimes it's all right like you can I think you can get dates from it but it's whether or not because like you say the women get such a high percentage

of, is that they get high percentage of matches back? Yeah, 30.30% 30.7% versus 2% for men. That's wild. That's a huge... It's because most men are just fucking swiping right for anything that's there.

If that's what it is, they're not stopping and looking. Like, you see those videos online where someone's just set up like a drill that's just constantly flapping over the fucking screen to make sure they get it. That's the problem with us. I think you can kind of tell when...

That percentage is so high. Like, obviously you're not just going to ask someone or how many matches have you got. I mean, you could if you wanted to. So you can't really compare the percentages. So you're probably unconscious of that while you're on the app. But you can kind of tell that a lot of the time they have quite a few matches because... Here's a question for you. Do you think you've got more matches when you were younger versus when you're...

What I do you know? 33. Yeah, do you think you've got more matches when you were in your 20s versus when you were in your 30s? Probably. more attractive matches anyway. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that publicly as a... Clipping that. Yeah, there's a fucking edit, isn't you?

All right, here we go. So, struggling to even get a date anymore, is it age or just how it is now? 34 years of age, feeling very discouraged. After my long-term relationship ended when I was 29, I remember still getting multiple dates a week and having many people to talk to on apps. I haven't had the best of luck since

with only two situation ships to show for it but I was still able to get a date every now and then however this time around however this time around the past few months I've noticed I'm barely able to even get a conversation going on Bumble a hinge let alone a date or if they do ask me out they ghost me as soon as I say yes I can't even get a I don't know what an FWB is

does anyone know what that is? Friends of benefits. Oh right I can't even get a friends with benefits if it's set up organized on is failed F-E-E-L-D in the meantime because men on there

can't be bothered to even talk for a few messages. Oh, this is a woman, is it, I think. Oh, right. Okay, that's interesting. Oh, that's very interesting.

I have noticed that my app success drastically improves when I'm visiting other countries, though, so it is very well, so it very well may be down to a Sydney thing. I've tried Ireland,

but Sydney is very, or I've tried IRL, but Sydney is very, clicky city in real life yes right I've tried in real life but Sydney is a very clicky city so it's very hard to meet people at bar as such

very interesting I think if you're using apps and you're moving to like moving around to different places the algorithm changes that because people have swiped through so many people that are like sitting in that town city for like every day of the week

that you come in I'd say you get pushed to the top and I also think then with like I've had two long-term relationships out of Tinder and like I think it depends on what you're on them for like I I was on Tinder, hinge

plenty of fish bumble and it went between like I can't just keep adding on more like it's like but you you went from like no you didn't want a relationship to it might be nice to I'm just using this

for a whole phase. And like it was, I think like there was a point, I think it was a point when I was maybe 20, 25, 26. They're on like three, four dates a week. And I don't, I don't, yes.

I don't think I'd have the energy for that. I, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, it was not healthy. Yeah, I've had them day in maps for, for years. And like, I think I've got on two dates from it. Yeah, well, like, I think I was living with a bunch, I was living with a bunch of lads in the house. And, like,

We jokingly did like a Tinder 101 night where I just told them where they were going wrong and I was like, looking at the statistics from the end of the game. Talking to people for fucking two weeks, just get a date. Like, you should be, if you can meet someone for a quick coffee

and have a chat with them, there's no taking time to perfect this perfect response. You'll actually get to know someone. So like, I was organising lots of dates, but like, I was, it was a fucking game, man. Like, it wasn't like I was delighted with, I wasn't delighted with life. And like, I'm not,

I'm not going back onto them again. Yeah. So here's a part of that study that I referenced. So the emotional fallout. So even when people do get matches, the outcome isn't always better. Ghosting in low effort conversations leaves users feeling more rejected.

Constant comparison drives anxiety and depressive symptoms. And the dopamine rush of a new match fades quickly leaving emptiness. I find that, like, if I use them apps, like, even if I get a match, I'm just like, oh, match. And then go again, go again, go again. like I don't end up engaging in conversations it's purely just a dopamine thing because I might be bored or I might be lonely

or whatever it is yeah yeah I know a few of the lads that when they go to like a new city for a night out or stuff before we're getting ready to leave they'll pull it up and they'll just go happy fucking swiping before they go on the night out and then you're on the move and you might get matches

as you're going as you're going around the one of the thing that's the goal then is like just to get the ride versus Just to get it. The one that I find funny is Bumble. Because the idea of Bumble is the girl messages first. Okay. And like obviously with like Tinder and the other ones,

your first message that you send will determine whether they're going to respond to you or just fucking unmatch you and leave you there. And it's funny like lads have to put so much of an effort into what will I say? How can I, you know, get a bit of vintry going here? then bumble it's put on name and you literally get a fucking hay. I was going to say it's usually like a high or a fucking emoji and it's just like

well this is bullshit it's like tell me a joke you can fucking draw me in a little bit you know that kind of man yeah a few people were writing under his or under her sorry under her message

and they were like wait until you're 40 I don't actually wish that upon you but I feel like it's astronomically more difficult now someone else said I'm 35 and the apps are pretty dead for me too honestly someone said I think there's something societal going on with dating apps or algorithm I don't know

42 M here and 42 male and I have been having a similar problem getting anyone to engage it did use to work better for me I think there is for both or for all genders whatever you feel with that I think there is a bit of a decline when you do get a bit older but I also think there's you develop a bit of a pickiness as well

surely very good insight yes that's true so like yes your numbers have depleted but the numbers of people that you like if it's a guy and what was it 5% or 2% or something 2% of matches for males 37% for women so it's 2% of 100% 30.7 so if you swipe in for a week it's 2% of 100 swipes rather than 2% of 10 when you decide

actually I'm not that intro. Not that any guy just swipes on 10 people throughout a week but yeah if you're reducing your numbers it's going to drop isn't it? It's also the amount of options like I think you'd like said there like you'll be swiping away and like you'd get a match and then you'll just keep moving on and it's I think I saw somewhere online a while back where it was

look back at like our parents generation or before where like you were right letters or so you weren't just like oh I can see this guy from 90 kilometers away and oh I matched him and then you swipe next like oh well fuck that one because I like this one a lot more yeah yeah you know it's like the grass is greener you don't set up any conversations it's like it is of course it's going to be nicer to meet someone in real life doesn't always happen like oh I've had two relationships out of out of tinder and I was surprised they happened from that to be honest and but i don't think i'd ever go back on a dating app again well like is you've obviously

had success though if you've had two two relationships well i'm single now so i don't know if i've had fucking success well they were they were they were both long-term relationships weren't they yeah yeah they were yeah so i mean but yeah i think you're absolutely right in terms of like it's it's the difference between uh today's society modern society and focusing on dating apps versus you know back in the olden days when you only had the really you're you're your options were limited to people in your town. It was like the paradox of choice now means that we have more choices than ever before, but people can't make a decision.

It's the same as the, you know, the travel thing. It's like, oh, yeah, I can work anywhere in the world now and like, oh, my God, too many choices. Where do I settle down? And, you know, people can't make a decision anymore. And that obviously is impacting them in place that they don't realize. As a result, as a result, actually, you've got loads of choices, but then people don't make decisions so therefore actually you've got less choices

because no one can actually match up. Yeah. It's also then it's like you've too much decision fee, decision fatigue. You have this like fear of missing out. It's like oh, well I have this choice but that means that I'm missing out on this choice. It's like too many options I don't think is a good thing.

It goes both ways. You can't make a decision or you decide fuck that I'll find something else. It goes either it goes either way. There's no working, working through something or building something.

It's like, what's the one that pisses me off of late is, I hate the word, ik. Because like you see all these lists online of like, oh,

this is an ick, that's an ick. And I'm like, I find the word ick is a fucking ick. You know, that's an ick. You don't like them enough.

You just don't like, you don't like them, like, you know? It's like you said people chewing, like, you know, if, I've been around, I've been around,

I've been around, like, I've around girls before, and like there's certain things that would obviously wreck your head. And then there's other girls you're with long term and stuff and you're like, no, you miss that. Regardless of how it might drive someone else fucking nuts

and like it's an it to someone else, but it's just easy then to go out, find someone else on my catalogue on my phone. It's basically just trying to find a simple excuse to not like that person anymore, rather than just accepting you don't want to be with them and taking the risk of leaving. That's what I personally think anyway.

That makes sense. Here, do you just want me to tell you as a little bit of a study on decision fatigue? Yeah, well. Okay, so the jam study choice overload and action, right? So they got these two different choices, right?

So there was a boot with six flavors of jam and then a boot with 30 or 24 flavors a jam, right? I studied this before, yeah. Yeah, and basically the takeaway was that with the attraction was to go to the 24 jams, right? So there was 60% of shoppers stopped for the 24 jams and only 40% stopped for the six jams. Okay, so there was more people attracted to the higher options. But in terms of purchasing, only 3% bought jams from the 24 jam boot and 30% bought jam from the 6x jam boot.

So less options of jams means you're more likely to buy it. jam but more option yeah go ahead i think i so i did a psychology masters a few years ago and i looked at this study as part of that um and i don't know if it was actually a follow-up study or part of that study but i believe as well with that it leads to if there's less options and you're you're more likely to buy but also you're potentially more likely to be satisfied with your choice yes 100% well that will that would make perfect that would make perfect that would make more sense wouldn't it because like if and let's put this into like uh dating dynamics right if you're in a relationship with someone and you know they're they're a nice girl and you know they they're courteous

and their kind and they're intelligent and stuff like that but then you see behind you have these flood of like illusion of options of all these other different women who you know might do this might do that whatever it is it's like it's going to make you maybe less satisfied with your choice yeah like that's unfortunately a reality of too many choices agreed yeah like i i won't go into too much detail with it but be in on dating apps in the in my recent history you just you don't if you've got a few people that you're talking to you don't really develop like deeper connections with them either especially if you're constantly just thinking oh i can just have another look to see who

else is out there just in caves we're a little fuck boy rob no no no no no no no no But then once, like I was, so I met someone in person recently and basically pretty quickly got rid of the dating apps because I was like, do you know what? This person is awesome. Like everything seems to be going all right from the get go. Doesn't seem like they're looking too far afield either. Let's just actually put all all eggs in one basket, so it speak, and just see how it goes. And that's probably up to this point at least

being the most wholesome dating experience that I've had for a long time when you're just like yes there are probably other options you could just open your phone up and there's probably someone there but if you actually just focus

on what's in front of you and trying to make the most of it you're so much more from it. Yeah you're ruining the experience on yourself aren't you by by being what's the word yeah like you said just being trying to be

trying to hold onto everything at once yeah it's it's and I think it's kind of what I was saying right at the start about the abandonment stuff like I think if you just go into that regardless of what the outcome might end up being if you go into it try and experience it

get from it as much from you from it as you want that risk is sometimes worth it in terms of what you get back from it whereas if on dating apps you go do you know what I'll have them in the back just in case I get abandoned by this person. But then you're abandoning those people and then you're giving them a complex

and they're going to abandon someone up and it just kind of spirals. I had that at the start of something. I kept Tinder on my phone. I wasn't using it. I wasn't trying to match with people. I wasn't swiping. It was more of a, for me,

it was the abandonment side that I was like, as soon as this person leaves me, I don't have to fucking download it again. I can just jump onto it and revisit it. like I was I was fully off it but yeah that's like that definitely led to like a bit of sour grapes and different stuff but like it is it was that trap of like you are because there's so many options and if you have any other trauma and other previous relationships you can be ready to jump jump ship and like I I wasn't intending on getting in a relationship in the first place when that happened. so it's kind of like the options even though we say like other options it's not it's an illusion of options

oh yeah they're not real options so you just you just think it is options because they're you pull up your phone and you see these people who are single well my my mate said it we went out for points there a month or so ago and like they're both

married kids and they're like oh well like you know we're happily married love our kids and stuff but like must be great to be single you know you can go on all the apps you go out and stuff and I was like no I was like do you ever think that what you have is what people want hence why they're on fucking apps or trying to get to hits with people they want what you have it's not that fucking fun being out there not that I want to be out there anyway I think I think there is whether it's an illusion or there is an aspect of it is kind of fun like if you

can go on a night out and if you're actually able to chat to people and pull or whatever or go out on a day and just like meet someone in person, get chatting to them, and you get that kind of casual experience in, because it is that one person that you're having this fun interaction with, it's natural from the get-go rather than just words on a screen. I think it can be quite fun, but because we're so stuck to technology and the experience of data now is a few words on a screen, because no one, people don't necessarily want to have a phone call or a video call or meet up in person because it's too much of a commitment. And doing that is too much of a risk.

Then you don't really get to know that person. So no, date in isn't fun because of dating apps, which is supposed to make dating easier. That's a very good point. And it's just mad. There's no better trail than actually like going up and talking to someone or. It's very, what, the trit, the thrill of the chase, do you know, that kind of way? Well, also the trail of like, you know, you could be.

rejected you might not be rejected and you go for it and it goes well and then you're like oh you're you're it's like you're it's like you it's like you it's like it's like it's that it's that actually yeah you feel like yeah yeah even take definitely have you definitely have like if you're on a night out with people and like you see someone you like and you try to engage with them you've a lot easier chance of it going somewhere than you do of a couple of photos and a shitty bio on a thing where they have hundreds of people to be swiping through. Yeah, because you can't, you're not going to get your personality across true text versus speaking to someone in person.

No, not at all. And it's often like, it's when you approach someone in person, usually it's just you that's approaching. But imagine you've got like 30, 40 guys around you also trying to do the same thing. You're going to be invisible. One of you is being stung out. Yeah, just distractions everywhere. Yeah, that's pretend that's what you said. so and that's what it doesn't have is.

And I think that's also, so it's obviously one of a multifacet issue, but I think that's one of the dynamics that is contributing to kind of the loneliness statistics that I see. Fewer people are choosing marriage or marrying later among prime working age. I think the marriage is at an all-time low over the last 30 years. It's a 50% decrease in the last 50 years. or the last 30 years, more people are reaching the age range without ever being married.

Almost half of adults were not married, a huge jump compared to earlier decades. Living alone has more than doubled over the last 60 years. That's frightening. See, that one to me means, I mean, from a personal standpoint, it means more than the marriage aspect. I think with the marriage, there's a lot of people that aren't kind of committing to religion

or they're kind of going against the traditional norms. Yeah, but I do think, yeah, It's also a downstream of that. Like, it's like, you know what I mean? Getting married means you're committing to one person for the rest of your life. Where it's like I've, like, that would be an influence. Yeah. And like if we live now in a subculture where it's like everybody's replaceable.

And I think that that ties into like dating naps as well. It's like, oh, I can swipe on the next, swipe on the next, swipe on the next. And there's no commitment there. Whereas if we look at the fucking six jars of jam, it's like here's six jars of jam, pick one, have it for the rest of your life. you know, accept your choice and move on with your life. I think it also links to being part of a community as well, which obviously then influences your ability to actually properly interact with other human beings and develop those relationships.

So as much as I don't necessarily see marriage as be all an end or personally of a successful relationship, if you're less committed to those faiths and communities, you are less likely to commit to other human beings. realistically. Yeah, I think I think on an individual circumstance, it doesn't matter. But if you look at it on scale, true. There's a trend there of, okay, people are lonely than ever. People aren't getting into relationships. People are struggling with dating. And also the trend is people are getting married. And I'm not saying that the solution is for people to get married earlier, but I do think that would be a downstream effect of fixing all the other kind of problems that we have.

No, I agree. Okay, I have another one here for you. So this is more about being out of shape and talking to girls, which is a good one. So I have some giving advice. So I have some extra way from COVID. Whenever I met someone new, I'd laugh and say, I have extra way, ha ha, and never got me anywhere. And I'd always blame being a chunk. Started going for women way out of my league, pretend that I wasn't the least bit overweight and had confidence.

false confidence but they didn't need to know that um women don't well men women don't care if you're a few pounds over literally be funny and confident and you're in stop sweating the small shit because of social media you're more than a go as long as you're being yourself and not just putting on an act i agree with that completely i think it also depends on the women yeah and how funny you are it's well how funny you are how good your chat is but like it's also the the the depths behind them as well. Yeah. Because like it's,

you know, you walk up to someone if you do look a certain way, they'll make that judgment there. Like, you mightn't, I think I joked with a group of girls before. Like,

do you know how difficult it can be for a guy to go up to a group of women when you're waiting for like, there's one you want to talk to out of six. You're waiting for at least two of them until you go fuck off. Do you know? Like, so it's not,

it's not that easy. Like, whereas if you look a certain way, it will be easier to approach that table because the two that might tell you to fuck off, also want to look at you while you're there talking to their friend. But still, also think that sometimes, like, women will probably let their guard down a little bit more

to someone who is, like, mildly attractive versus, like, over-the-top attractive. Depends on the people. It depends on the people. Like, if you're so, so attractive and you're charming when you come over, they might be, but, like, it depends on their character.

It depends what they're. they believe in. If it's on a night out and it's a group of, so this is me generalising, of course, but if it's on a night out, you're in revolution or whatever, and there's a group of girls

having like a rowdy time and a good looking guy goes over, yes, they're probably going to put their guards up a little bit, but it's not because they don't want them to talk to them usually, I don't think. I think it's they want them to make them feel even better

and keep trying, rather than actually trying to push him off a lot of the time it's yeah well i suppose i suppose why he's more alluding to anyway is that the fact that he was so up in his head about how he looked that it was actually preventing him from uh getting a day yeah because of his mindset you give off like yeah yeah so if you're if you're looking down at looking down at your feet and fidgeting

and you can't get out a sentence without stuttering a little bit and you're pulling at your clothes it's going to be hard to charm someone, especially if you're going to try to charm someone with a group of people around them. Yeah, yeah. I think like... No, go ahead, Rob. Linking back to what you said before about that person,

I think it was a woman with the dating apps at a certain age. Yeah. If they're posting something on Reddit about it, they're probably in a negative mindset about dating already. Yes. And they might be projecting that into their actual profile and the way that they swipe and the way they communicate with other people. It's a

self-fulfilling prophecy. Agreed. A lot of the time. I love you as a lad, that phrase. Someone wrote under a knee, thank you. I'll start being funny first thing in the morning.

And then someone else said, I work out, make fat checks, own a home, still can't get a girlfriend. Yeah, why do your personality thing? I think so. Or just not actually getting out there and doing anything, just sitting around and go and going and.

I have all these things and I'm still single and it's just like, yeah, you've just been focusing on those things. You've not tried to see. You don't. You don't talk to anyone. I can't get a girlfriend, but I won't go near anyone when I want to know those. Yeah, that's very true. Yeah. It's like me. Currently, my current position is I'm 33, working from home in my bedroom, living with my parents, not really developing a community around me at the moment other than in the gym. and even that's quite sporadic because I'm traveling around. And I'm like, why can't I meet? Why have I not met my dream woman around here? I've not been putting myself out there.

I've not been trying to find that. I've been on dating apps with people that are like, and at least an hour away, of course I'm not going to meet someone. So here's a question, right? Do you think, like, let's say someone's listening and they are in a similar situation. It's like they can understand why they can't get a girlfriend.

And yet they're, let's say, just like, probably a little bit isolated because they're living at home and they maybe work from home and you know like it's an exposure game kind as well it's like how many people are you exposed to throughout the day to like increase your chances and like like we said that exposure won't be probably as beneficial on on a dating app as it might be in person so like would it not make more sense then to be like all right instead of going on a dating app i'm going to look for five different kind of um you know hobbies that i can do that intertwined with meeting people.

If you actually enjoy them, yeah, because then you're going to be meeting people that are of a similar mindset. Even if you meet another guys who you then hang out with and meet them through those people, I think that is a much better way of doing it. You could be on dating apps while you're doing it as well.

Yeah, it's not this or that. Yeah, like you could be on a dating app and it gives you a better mindset about what the other person over the other side of the screen might be like, rather than just going there. are this picture.

Yeah. I think it depends on the frequency as well because on this, on this day, this was 20, 25, it goes a, dating app users had significantly higher loneliness scores than non-users, which is obviously apparent, like,

but more frequent app users correlated with higher loneliness and lower self-esteem. In short, the more you swipe, the lonelier you feel. Yeah, because you're just, you're just sitting at home on your own fucking swipe. open on a screen.

Might as well just watch porn, like, like, here's another one. So I'm a 25 year old male, six foot four,

currently a graduate program at a major state university. I have a series of hobbies, cooking, baking, hiking, working out, concerts,

shopping, singing, and traveling. I'm a former college athlete, so I'm in good shape, not bodybuilder shape, but I've an athletic build. I've been told by men and women in my age range

that I'm fun to be around with. I'm a good looking guy. I don't nor have I ever struggled to make friends In fact, I've been told I'm empathetic, emotionally vulnerable I pay for everything on the first date, I roll out the red carpet But either get used, ghosted or cheated on Most notably I've been cheated on in all three of my serious relationships that I've been in In saying all this, I want to preface that this is obviously not the

End all be all when comes to being viewed as an ideal partner but I have struggled to find anyone who's willing to commit to me. I use Tinder and Hinge on top of in-person interactions, but even with multiple dates, eight different women with numerous dates since August, 2024, I've always had horrible results. Any advice on what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do going forward

or what I should focus on to improve my chances would be much appreciated? I think he's trying to impress people that he doesn't need to impress. If he's doing all those things for himself, fucking fantastic. You're picking the, picking the wrong people.

Yeah. Well, yeah. I know, like, I know it's, it's the obvious, like,

but my, the point is, like, there has to be something wrong with the people you're picking that, like, they always cheat, like,

do a guy sounds like a fucking catch. If there's any girls are going to listen to this, like, Joe, look him up. Like, you know, tall fucking cooks,

he's athletic, his Instagram is, uh, uneducated PT. I identify a six foot four But like the thing is like It's there It's not that he's not a good catch

It's that there's something in the people that he Maybe maybe he's too good looking And too much of a catch so then he's Getting women who Just want to shagging fuck off Yeah pretty much So? Yeah

It sounds like he's focusing too much on wanting to impress rather than focusing on what he wants people to impress him with. Yeah, I also think the more you look for it, the less you'll find us. Yeah.

Someone said, I don't know, man, if I had your stats, I'd be freaking unstoppable. That's what I was thinking when you were reading off. I was like,

that's a great dating profile. I don't know. I can do it very fucking well. Yeah, it's... Maybe he's just lying about it all. Maybe it's just a fake profile No, he seems, he seems legit. You've researched it.

Yeah. Yeah. His name is Kevin. He's got hands like shovels. Yeah. Well, it just goes to show like, you know, when the people will be like, oh, if only I was six foot something, then I'd be able to, you know, find a relationship. Or if only, you know, I was like bigger or I had muscles or, you know, I was in better shape or, you know, I was like I had more money or like all these kind of things. like and then you look and then there's obviously people who tick all them you know boxes and yeah are still

struggling yeah yeah like and then go back to the guy who said that he was slightly overweight and as soon as he changed his mindset he was able to date yeah you don't need that list of um criteria to tick i think there was a chris william sorry it's just the energy you put off yeah you know you can like it's yeah like everyone likes you know what they like you know a certain look, a certain height, a certain aesthetic, whatever, but like, that's just,

that's just the packaging on a present. Until you open it, you don't really know what you're getting. So, like, that's only the start of it. Like, it might be easy for him to get loads of dates. Maybe he's not that great. Maybe he's not that sound. Maybe he's not that empathetic.

Jer, he is. He is. He's a great guy. He's empathetic. He's fucking convo with him when you cut us off last. He's emotionally vulnerable. he's empathetic he's smart he's athletic he's an absolute catch he's a cat yeah i'm all those things outside of six foot four but if he's fucking single if he's on dating apps and he's promoting all of that stuff there might just be a massive pool of women like this guy's too good for me therefore i'm going to focus on these other ten guys that have given me attention that i think are attainable

and because of that he's only getting those girls that know that they are good enough for multiple men and they're happy with twying with that field. Okay, so last question then I'll ask is, right, does dating apps promote poor body image? Yeah. A 20, at 2024 review of 19 studies found that 85% linked dating apps to poor body image, higher rates of disorderly and behaviours, greater self-objectification, especially among women. I think it just leads to poor. self-image in general, like

that list that you just reeled off. Yeah. It's why we have filters on photos. You have, you have the, you remember like when you're swiping through different ones and there's like eight people in a photo and you're trying to play a general,

where's Wally and guess who the fuck you're actually going to be talking to? Yeah. See, this is why like if I, like, this is why I would rather like people think I'm like, I would rather, I would rather, like,

like be shit how I put this I rather look worse in my in my profile photos and like better in person than the other way around because I would hate to go on a date with someone and then be like oh you look you look nothing like these lovely photos how disappointed I like you know what I would rather be like oh yeah I actually they're actually even better in person then in their pictures I'd rather be I'd rather be that what person that like grow on people rather than like high expectations straight from the start. Roe not sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah. Well, like, Joe, you're, you're lying like, you know, if you put up photos, if you put up photos that make you look better and they land on and you don't look like that. Yeah, but it's got not such a normal thing for humans to do. Like to be like, oh, I look really good.

Of all these three pictures that I took, I look great in this one. so like I'm gonna discard the other two. Not fucking arguing against that. Like John, like we'll take, you take your fucking mirror selfie in the morning when you're telling everyone you're better than them

because you're up at 5 a end. And it's like, so you take a certain photo and it's like, all right, I like that photo. And like, I'll always joke like, a photo's only a moment in time so it doesn't get Joe,

the perfect angle. It's like, for me, it's always like, sometimes someone takes a photo of me and I have a fucking big, huge double shin. I take a photo of myself. and I was like, all right, well, there's nothing there. So you're obviously going to put one forward and not the other one. Yeah.

But it's, yeah, it's, you're still, like, if, it's, it's only if they arrive to a date and you do not look like your photos. Yeah, yeah. So, like, add on that different. Like, you know, you fucking, you put it in through the fucking AI in major sense. You're fucking, you, you show up and you're Mexican. No offense to any Mexicans. Obviously, being Mexicans fine, of course.

Yeah. Yeah, Carl, you're going to get his fucking cancel. Okay, right. So then, a final analysis question. So dating apps, yay or nay? Does it have to be one or the other, yeah? No.

Okay. Spectrum, closer to nay. I think if you're able to, if you're using it, for your social life, which I personally have in the past, sack it off. It's not worth it. Go and risk sitting in a cafe by yourself for a bit, see some human beings, work out what kind of person you're attracted to out in the open, speak to people.

In the wild. In the wild, yeah, just because otherwise you're going to be sat at home thinking, oh, that person's attractive. I can text them behind a screen. I feel confident. And when you see them in person, if you've forgotten how to interact with another human, and being in a person anyway, you've developed this idea of this person based on texts.

Yeah, I don't know. I think there's a new app called Breeze that's come out. I don't think it's accessible everywhere. But basically it sets up a date. If you match with someone, it sets up a date in a particular place that's registered to the app. And that is your first interaction.

You don't have any chatting beforehand. It just says, right, you're going to go on a date. So it's just a blind date app. You see the person. and you match with them. So it's not completely blind, but it is your... It'll be even better if it was blind. They'll be such a high percentage of fucking ghosting when that comes on.

Yeah. I've never talked to the person. I'm just going to go randomly meet them inside in the coffee shop based off their photo. Yeah. And then you will be thinking, oh, what if they seen me and then turned around because, you know, they thought I was not their type. I'd say no, though. If it was one or the other, I'd say no.

Yeah. I think there's this other, there was this other thing. I don't really watch telly anymore but I think there was this thing on on TV and it was like people going on like people going on dates with like dinner dates with like seven people or something like that.

Oh yeah, yeah. I've seen that thing. Dinner with strangers or something like that. Yeah. You're watching some freaky movies. It's basically, it's come down with me on Tinder. Anyway, chair.

Yay or nay? Um, nay for me because like obviously the same reasons like don't get into know people's up, but I... What about for society? You can't say for you because you've had two relationships

off the back of it, can you? Um, well I, like, based off that, I wouldn't do it again because I just, I don't want it anymore. I don't, like, we joke about, fuck your favourite colour.

I couldn't be arced doing any of it. I don't want to do any of it. For society, if we didn't have it, people would have to go out into the world. Yeah. Which I think they are like that's where

that's out of kind of the room club thing exploded wasn't it? People were sick of apps and they wanted to get outside and they wanted to meet other people in person. So like I think there is a there is a craving for that. But I don't, I don't think people are good at approaching people anymore

on both sides. Because like, you know, you talk about like the run clubs and stuff with that, it's up. You also got to be quite fucking brave. to go up to someone at some like group event where they're just, you know, I'm just here to fucking run. You don't know what's going to happen

and then you might have lost a club that you want to go to for two days a week. I don't even know how like successful that was in terms of people dating but I think it was just like a trend of like a running joke kind of thing. You see like the speed dating

events and stuff back now. So like even like you look back at what was it, the matchmaking festival and Listeren-Virna, all that stuff is coming back. You have to be a very outgoing person for all that stuff done, don't you? I don't know, man, I went to Listern-Varner once that place is fucking loose.

What is it? Because I had a member telling me that she went down to that a couple of weeks ago. We had a friend that lived in Clare, so we all went on a night out, and now... You went through the story before it starts. I'm going to have to disappear because I've got to be elsewhere. All right, we'll wrap it up here

and we'll leave it for the next one. Sorry, you have to continue that conversation after. We'll wrap it up next week. Before we go, Jair, what's the plan? What's the story with this event next week? Next Saturday. Saturday 27th. Lift lad, eat, Lafee, level up.

Carl is going to be there. A load of other coaches from UK around Ireland. It's going to be, what, 10.30 to 4.30 in the tree house over at the Woodlands Hotel in Limerick. And there's a free barbecue and after social for anyone that goes. you might find the love of your life there. Yeah, you might find love of your life

there. And how are we doing in terms of like you have everything set up is everything ready to go? Any issues? Yeah, everything. No,

there's no issues. There'll be issues on the day. Well, like, we'll get over that. Like, I went over to check technology and I didn't have to panic too much just went off

and got like fucking couple of adapters and a different thing. But like, I'll freak out anyway. Yeah, of course. Of course. It's going to freak out.

It wouldn't be a good event if you weren't. yeah okay all right we'll we'll leave it there excellent conversation and i will see us next week