The Uneducated PT Podcast - Episode 91 – “Crabs in a Bucket: When Loved Ones Pull You Down”

Episode Date: June 17, 2025

In this week’s episode of The Uneducated PT Podcast, we dive into the notorious “crabs in a bucket” mentality and how it sabotages even the most determined weight-loss journeys. We explore:Why partners and friends sometimes resent your progress more than they celebrate itHow backhanded compliments and “harmless” jibes chip away at your confidenceReal-life examples of unsupportive loved ones and the cost to your motivationPractical strategies for setting boundaries without burning bridgesTips on enlisting true allies and building a positive support networkWhether you’ve faced guilt-trips at dinner or snide remarks at the gym, this episode equips you with the tools to recognise toxic dynamics, reclaim your momentum, and turn bystanders into cheerleaders. Tune in and learn how to climb out of the bucket—without leaving your loved ones behind.

Okay, welcome back to another solo episode of the uneducated PT podcast. If you are enjoying these podcasts, make sure that you share them on your socials, recommend them to a friend. That's the way that the podcast grows the best. You can subscribe on Spotify and you can subscribe on YouTube as well. But I think the best way is to pretty much just share them on your socials. if you can. That would be lovely.

That would really help the podcast grow, which it is growing. And today we are on episode 91. We're very close to the 100 mark, which I'm very excited to get to that milestone of 100 episodes recorded. Now, today we're going to be talking about partners and friends and, you know,

the dynamic between the relationships in your life and the goals that you want to achieve. and the people in your life not being too supported of them goals. And, you know, I've seen this a lot over the last few years, you know, especially when I was working as an online coach and, you know, having conversations with clients and them saying how, you know, their partner isn't really supporting their efforts or their friends aren't supporting their efforts or so on and so far.

And look, you know me at this stage. I'm a big advocate of connection. I'm a big advocate of, you know, people doing their best to maintain. relationships in their lives. And I think just saying like, oh, just sack off your friends because they're not supporting your goals. I think that's lazy advice to say like, oh, just suck off your partner, just, you know, dump your partner or whatever it is because they're not supporting your goals. Again, that's just lazy advice. You know, you're trying to make the relationships in your life as prosperous as possible, while also you have a, you know, great quality.

of life because you're pursuing things that you know fill your cup and make you feel good and make you feel healthy and make you feel happy and all these things all right so I don't think it like your first protocol needs to be get rid of these people I think your first protocol needs to be better communication with the people like being able to talk to these people so let's say that you're like trying to lose weight or you are losing weight and like you know you're hooked on the process you decided to join a program you decided to join a a group training facility, you got yourself a PT, you're on some sort of a health buzz, right? And you know, you're losing weight, you're feeling good, you're tracking your calories and

your macros and because you know that the process is working and you're getting out for your steps and you're just feeling great and you want to talk about that and you want to, you know, dive into that as much as possible. And you're excited. Like getting, making progress and, you know, really kind of immersing yourself in the process and you know that it's working that can be really exciting it can be really exciting to you know be bought into the process

and then it kind of puts a dampener on it when you know friends and family not only aren't excited for you but almost tried to kind of diminish your efforts so you might get something like your partner might say something like oh you already look you know good the way you are I don't want you to lose any more weight or anything like that

and this is essentially just kind of undermining your goal by making you feel that you're fixing something that isn't broken or why are you counting your calories just live a little like you might get that from your partner or you know go for a drink or whatever it is and just you know basically just diminishing your effort and your discipline to to stay invested in the process that you know you are invested in or they might say something like oh come on have some dessert i made it for you you'll hurt my feelings or whatever it is so you know they're putting emotion guilt on you for sticking to your plan and I've seen this happen before I remember talking to a client before and you know they were losing weight and they were doing really well and they were staying off the

drink because you know it wasn't making them feel good and then their partner kept on guilt tripping them saying oh you're not spending time with me at the weekend you're not having fun with me and and she was like well I will have fun with you but I don't want to drink and you know he would you know obviously continue to to to guilt tripper into doing that so you might hear things like that so I actually need the sneeze. Sorry, it was one of them that was kind of like on the verge, but never came out. You can tell that I'm free ball in this podcast. But another thing they might say is that, you know, you're spending too much time in the gym.

You're not spending enough time with me or you're spending too much time in class with them other people, you know, and or what will they say? Like, oh, is that really healthy? It looks bland, you know, pointing out your food because, you know, you might be decided and have, your overnight oats instead of an Irish fry or whatever it is. Or they might say things like, I miss theology or I miss, you know, the way we used to eat and stuff like that. So basically framing like your new habits as a personal loss for them and guilt tripping you. And it can be difficult when people say things like that and you don't know how to react like that. And it doesn't just come from partners as well.

It comes from friends. Like your friend might say, you know, one meal out isn't going to kill. come on stop being uh you know stop being so born or whatever it is or or you're having a salad again or you know oh you've been to the gym twice this week already yet do you not think you're overdone it let's head out or whatever it is um or i don't know then i'm trying to think of other examples you know stop being so strict on yourself uh oh you're being disordered or whatever it is basically they're just trying to kind of shift shift you away from the progress that you you you're making and they're shifting onto, you know, their feelings and they're introducing guilt

and shame into your life that will essentially derail your motivation for doing what you're doing. And, you know, I don't think it's ever intentional. I think a lot of it is subconscious, but we have to understand these behaviors if we're going to address them so that you can kind of maintain the relationships that you're in while also pursuing your first. You're fat loss goals or your weight loss goals. So we need to understand the behavior. And a lot of the time it will come from like jealousy or insecurity. And they don't understand that they're being jealous or they don't understand that they're being

insecure. But you know, you know, seeing a friend succeed can can highlight our own struggles. You know, rather than us feeling inspired by them, we might be like, oh, you know, I wasn't able to do that and they're doing that. And, you know, this is making me, you know, question my own lifestyle decisions that I'm going out every weekend and that, you know, I'm having take away five times a week or that, you know, I'm not doing any of my meal prep or that, you know, I'm not prioritizing going for a walk or whatever it is. So like, you know, it can highlight our own insecurities. And in terms of the

jealousy thing, it might be a case where it's like, okay, I tried to lose weight and I couldn't. And now I see that, you know, fucking so-and-so is doing so. And that highlights my own inability to to solve this problem that I was having. And it can be the exact same for a partner, a partner might, you know, get jealous thinking that, oh, she's losing weight and if, you know, she's looking really good. And now, you know, if she continues down this path

and I continue to stay the way that I am, she's going to leave me for someone better looking. So a lot of that can come into play when it comes to kind of the relationship dynamics. Just a fear of change, you know, a fear of that this person is going to leave me or that, you know, they're no longer going to enjoy the things that I enjoy with them. Like, they're not going for Pete's every night with me or they're not going to have a drink

with me and all these things. So then they start to kind of downplay your achievements because of that fear of, fear of a change in the relationship dynamic, fear of being left behind, fear of, you know, not being enough, like, pointing the, point in the mirror at themselves and being like, oh, so they're kind of just projecting, their own personal failures. I don't even know if it's, I'd call it personal failures, but, you know, if someone's excelling in a certain area, you know, that can make you look at yourself and being like,

oh, I'm not excel in that area or I have a lack of progress and, you know, that can be uncomfortable for people. It can be uncomfortable for people who aren't comfortable in their skin or comfortable in, you know, who they are or maybe, you know, not quite content. with their own life because usually all right usually people who are are content and motivated and working hard in a certain area it doesn't make them feel a certain way that other people are excel in other areas because we know you can't excel in everything anyway um but if you feel like you're not excelling in anything and then you see someone especially someone close to you someone who was on

your level now achieving something whether that is a weight loss goal a body composition goal running their own business going out there and doing something for themselves and making a success out of their life that can be very uncomfortable for people and then there's just things like misinformation and group thinking people thinking that

like you know oh you can't lose weight because I've never been able to lose weight even though I only just tried different fad diets and then you might be like counting your calories or doing it in a sustainable way and it's working for you and then that kind of um again shines the light on them that okay they weren't they weren't doing it the right way or with the right approach and that can make them also feel

uncomfortable that you're now excelling in this this area because um you took the right you achieved the true the right process and some people will take that and be like oh how did you do that and you know take inspiration from that and follow your way of your approach to weight loss or they won't they'll they'll just be like, okay, let me try and derail this person subconsciously by, you know, making them feel bad about themselves. So what do we do when we're in a situation where it's a partner who's not supporting us or a friendship group that every time we go back to hang around with them, we end up in a worse situation or we derail our progress or whether that's even co-workers or whether that's family.

There's all these different dynamics that we have to look at. first and foremost what I would say is again instead of just saying right I'm gonna you know get rid of all my friendship groups and get rid of all my relationships and all these dynamics because you know that if you're doing this by yourself it also makes it a lot more difficult and so it's about kind of if there's someone who's really bothering you on this you know pick the right moment you know find a calm and private time ideally not when you're about to go work out or when you're having a meal that you've just picked like let's say you've just decided to have a salad and they're having a takeaway and now they're judging your salad and

they're saying oh that looks boring or something like that that's probably not the right time to have that conversation but maybe another time when your things have died down and you can just be like listen I just want to share something with you this has been on my mind and you know what I a really good piece of advice I got from a relationship coach was to use I statements rather than you statements so a you statement would be like you are not supporting me You know, you keep saying this when I go to have, you know, this type of field. Or you keep saying this when I'm on my way out to the gym. Like, now you're pointing the finger and you're pointing blame.

And that means that your partner is going to be on the defensive. Okay. Whereas if you use eye statements, like, listen, this is how I feel when I'm trying to go to the gym and we get into this argument. Or I feel like I'm not being supported when I'm trying to have this solid. and you know this is a really important goal for me and I would I would really appreciate if you could there I use the you statement again but I would really appreciate support in regards to this goal that's really important to me I think that kind of puts people's defense down and then you can have this

kind of open dialect that that's going to be really important for talking about your goals and getting that support that you need from your partner so it's really important how you communicate not just that you communicate and you know that can be really difficult if you and your partner or you and your friend or you and your co-worker or you and your family member aren't very good at communicate in your frustrations and also just remember to listen to their concerns as well because you know sometimes criticism hides worry you know they fear that you're going to change in ways that leaves them behind and so you need to you need to validate their emotions as well as your own emotion which again is a really difficult thing to do but I think it's really important

that you remind yourself that as well that sometimes people's toxic behavior is rooted in fear and fear of being left behind so it's really important that you kind of educate and share your wife for doing this and it's not because you want to leave them for someone better than them but you know you know you just want to you know improve the quality of your life you want to feel more energetic so do you have more time to spend with them so you can feel better about yourself so you're not self-conscious around them? All these things and kind of having that vulnerable conversation with them could be really, really

important. And then, you know, if it's things like, that's obviously talking in the context of a partner, but let's say it's like a co-worker or something like that who keeps making comments on when you're eating, trying your best to debunk myths together with them. So they might say things like, oh, you're on a weight loss journey, but you're having bread or something like that because they might have heard that carbs make you fat

and then you could try and educate oh well actually my coach has explained to me that you know as long as my calories equate I'm able to include all these different foods into my diet and it's actually been really working well for me so kind of coming with that calm approach

to rather than just being on the defensive because they have said something that you know not to be true and then most importantly like set clear boundaries around these interactions like you know if someone is saying unhelpful comments like a calm response you know that neutralizes their negativity like you know I appreciate your input but I'm just going to stick to this plan because it's been working really well for me and this is what my coach has designed for me so listen I understand your concern and I appreciate it but I'm just going to stick to this plan right now

while it's working and then like you know just garden your your safe space like if if you know that you're going to be around people who are constantly trying to sabotage you, you know, constantly, uh, you know, making comments about you, uh, you know, could be at a family gathering or something like that where you're all eating together. Sometimes it's unavoidable. Um, and sometimes it is avoidable. Uh, and, you know, maybe if you have to meet up with, you know, someone in your family, uh, maybe it doesn't have to be centered around food. I know there are sometimes it does because obviously we celebrate, um, moments to get a true nutrition and true food.

But sometimes you could just go for a hike with them or go for a walk. So actually I don't really want to go for dinner. I've had a late lunch, but would you mind going for a walk with me or something like that? Because I still need to get my steps in. And like simple things like that. Like to be honest, I'll be honest, when I meet up with my friends, you know, most of the time it's like I'm asking them to go do a training session with me or something like that. Because you know, I would rather get my training in while also getting to you know have interactions with my friends and if they don't want to do that I'm not

gonna meet them in the pub like I'm not gonna meet them in the pub on a Wednesday for a point and like and as much as I'm an advocate of go for a point with your friends and socialize say yes to the drink like I'm not gonna do it on a Wednesday when that's my value is that I need to get up the next morning and I need to be fresh so you know if you want to hang around with me you know let's go for a walk let's go to the gym like I'm still going to prioritize my values and what's important to me, as well as the dynamics of the relationships that I'm in. And, you know, most of my friends are on board with that.

When my friends want to hang around with me, they know we're probably going to go for a hike or we're going to train or, you know, realistically, they might not see me during the week. Otherwise, so I think it's really important that, like, set your boundaries that, you know what, this is not the space that I want to be in. These are the goals that I have in mind for myself and this is the environment that I'm going to surround myself in. and you know you can come with me in this and engage them as allies not adversaries you know that you don't have to think of your partner as someone who's there to disrupt your goal or a close friend

who's there to disrupt your goal or you know your co-worker who's there to to disrupt your goal it's just that they might not understand the process that you're on at the moment and that's why it's up to you to like invite them to participate in these things invite them for to a workout invite them to go for a walk invite them to make a healthy recipe at home rather than eating out. All these things and then you can celebrate together. You can buy in together. You know, you can bring them along for the journey as well. And I think that's really important as well is that like there's that there's that saying

where it's like you're the average of the five people that you spend the most time with and something like that. Well, like I always think that, you know, you could also have a little bit of self responsibility as well. Instead of being like, oh, these people are like this and they're. for if I hang around with them, I will be like this. What about, all right, this is how I'm going to behave, and these are the people around me, and I'm going to bring them up with me, rather than use them as blame for everything

that I'm not happy with in my life. I think that's really important as well. Like, be the leader, be the example of, for other people, rather than you always using blame, blaming other people for your actions and your behaviours. I think, now there is, I think there's an element of true, both of that right so like if you have people who are really really toxic in your life you know you can be

the example all you want but then people are probably still going to bring you down to their level or they're definitely not going to come up to your level and you can't be responsible for other people's actions and behaviors you can only be responsible for your actions and behaviors be the example some people will come with you some people won't and it is not your job to pull them people up And, you know, so not everyone has your best intentions at heart and you will quickly find that out once you start to go on a self-development journey. Once you start to find your own voice, once you start to find confidence and self-worth because of the journey that you're on, whether that's true fitness to start off with, you will realize quickly that not everyone is going to stay with you and that's okay as well. And that's the kind of crabs in a bucket mentality that like refers to this social dynamic where individuals often unintentionally undermine or try to discourage your efforts. So you might be trying to improve your health outcomes.

You might be trying to improve your body composition. You might be training hard. And like just as crabs in a bucket, they pull back any crabs that try to climb out. People get caught in this mindset of, oh, you know, this person's trying to make progress. this person's trying to leave the the tribe, the circle, whatever it is, they're trying to leave this environment that we're all in, let's make sure we pull them back in.

And there's also, I think in Australia, they call it Tall Poppy Syndrome where basically people who achieve notable success, they're resented, they're criticised, they're cut down by others because they feel threatened or jealous by their success. And in Japan, they say, the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.

And I think that's a quite accurate reference. representation. So like when you're on this journey of self-development, it can feel quite lonely. All right. It can feel quite lonely if you've for a long time surrounded yourself with people who don't have your best interest that are where, you know, they're just out drinking all the time and they're engaging in these unhealthy behaviours. They're drinking. They're taking drugs. They're, you know, getting up to no good. And that has been you for a long time. And then you decide to say know and you want to change change your behaviours, that can be a lonely place, especially if it's people that have been quite close to you over the last couple of years. But you have to do what's

right for you. And, you know, it happens in all domains. Like it happened to me when I decided that, you know, I was going to start producing content online and I was going to start talking in front of camera, you know, and I had like pass in commons and people making jokes about me and making jokes behind my back thinking that I didn't know that they were making them jokes but obviously a lot of things come back to you and I just let it go because you know the thing is that these people don't even remember what they said like everyone holds you know this fixed image of who you are and the moment you kind of step outside of that box you know you become fair game for ridicule for them people and you know it they don't remember because it's it's a lot of it is subconscious they just

have these throw away comments about you and obviously you remember because it hurts you the most because you're the one trying to, you know, push through these barriers and become something better than the current version of yourself. And then you're letting people down. You're letting down their expectations of you. And you have to ignore that. And it's difficult. It is very difficult. But it is worth it.

And if you can get past that, you start to kind of find your people as well. Or find new people. Or then people come up with you. So I think the best thing that I could say in terms of advice is, you know, You need to kind of map out your landscape. You need to identify the people who are draining your life and the people who, you know, are gaining from having them in your life.

And one thing, a journal prompt that I like to use a lot is like, does this person or write the name of three people who, you know, I feel drained after I spend time with and write the name of three people who I feel energized after spending time with. Because it will really start. to help you kind of understand recurrent patterns that oh I'm actually hanging around with this person and it's not doing me any favors and again it's difficult

but when you start to write that out rather than kind of living on pilot mode and it starts to become very transparent the people that you should be spending it doesn't mean that you have to get rid of these people from your life but start to decide that I'm gonna spend less and less time in these relationships and you know and start to set set them boundaries you'll find after a while you know, you'll either just stop associating with them all together or they will start to come up with you and you'll realize that, okay, you can still maintain this relationship while still pursuing your goals because they can either decide to get on board with what you're doing

or, you know, otherwise we're not going to spend time together. So there's some things that I would say in terms of, you know, make the effort to try and get people to understand that this is a goal that you're looking to pursue, you know, communicate that in a way that is not on the aggression that, you know, neutralizes them and help them to understand as much as possible. If they continue to not understand or continue to try and sabotage your efforts to become a better person and whatever that domain looks like for you, then you have to just set them boundaries and say listen this is the you you have to have you have to be strong in your pursuits and be like this is what I am pursuing regardless of whether they come with me or not

that's such a difficult thing it's such a difficult thing to do and it's even harder to do by yourself that's why I think it's really really important to if we're talking about at the pursuit of health join a class join an online community you know meet up with like-minded people who are going to chair your progress you know if you need some of the chair your progress I I will share your progress. I'm always up for people, you know, pursuing health and pursuing fitness and wanting to improve the quality of their lives because I know the importance of doing it. And again, nobody, nobody above you in any domain is going to look down on you for trying. It's always the people underneath you who continue to try and pull you back the crabs in the bucket,

the crab and the bucket mentality. So there will always be people who will want to support you. have to kind of seek them out and I think being in kind of like-minded communities like that where you know you might not know these people at the start but they become really valuable and people in your life I think I think that's wonderful I've I've done that myself now for the last couple of years where I've made some incredible friends through kind of just you know seeking out adversary or seeking out people who are just going to be allies in terms of you know are are growth-minded and not fixed-minded. And remember, the Harvard study of adult development, which is my favorite study, you know, the longest running study on human well-being, has made one thing abundantly clear. And like,

the quality of our relationships is the strongest predictor of both our mental and our physical health. And participants who reported, you know, warm, supportive connections were far more happier, far more healthier, lower rates of chronic disease, better cardiovascular health, you know, sharper cognitive function, people who, you know, had strong relationships with both their friends, their family, their community, massive health outcomes, okay? And I always compare that to people who are lonely and isolated, but conversely, toxic or high conflict relationships, you know, can be more damaging than just social isolation or just being on your own. So, like, if you have an unsupportive partner, and you can't navigate that you know that's going to produce chronic stress uh you know it's

going to disrupt your hormone imbalance um you know dramatically increases morbidity and mortality so like what it's terrible to be on your own but it is even worse to be in a toxic relationship uh because the health outcomes are not very good not very promising so you know as much as i'm like you know loneliness kills so does um so does toxic relationships or unhelpful or harmful relationships um so that that is something that you really do need to focus on in terms of okay how can i get the most out of these relationships um is this a me issue a you issue or a we issue can we work this out and you know can we communicate our frustrations and if we can't then i am going to have to go and do this on my

own and I'm gonna have to go and find my own tribe because right now you are not helping me so I hope that helps I hope that gives you a little bit of understanding in terms of whether people are supporting you or not and why they might not be supporting you but again it is a I'm by no means an expert in this it's the relationships are hard they're hard to navigate but it's very important that you do because it's probably the most important thing in your life more important then your training plan. More important than your nutrition plan

is navigating them relationships and having people who support you rather than try to, you know, disrupt your goals. So I hope you enjoyed this. I hope you enjoyed another solo episode of the Uneducated PT podcast. That is episode 91 with myself, Carla Rourke. If you did enjoy it, make sure you share it.

And I will see you on the next one.