The Wellness Scoop - Friendship, Sisterhood and Jealousy

Episode Date: November 12, 2019

Exploring the topic of friendship: how to support one another, how to let go of toxic relationships and why we need to strengthen our relationship with ourselves in order to further our relationships with others. We’re answering all your questions from why can we be so catty to why do we judge so much. Are women really supporting women, how can we be happy for others when we feel intense jealousy, how to handle the shift to motherhood and how can we change the paradigm of constant comparison? One of my favourite episodes yet, a warm and open talk with Xochi Balfour. Holly Lynch's letter expressing support for Megan Markle can be read here Chameli Ardagh, Awakening Women: https://awakeningwomen.com/ See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com. Hi everyone and welcome to the Delicious Yellow podcast. It's just me, Ella Mills today. And today we're going to be talking about friendship, sisterhood, jealousy, insecurities, and the importance of friendship in our lives. So friendship is such an important topic and one that I'm actually really, really excited to delve into today. You know, we read so much about the importance of supporting one another, of allowing each other to succeed and rise up, of the concept around women supporting women, and how valuable true friendship really can be in our lives but on the other hand we don't always see this playing out in our day to day and it was really interesting reading all the questions that have come in from our listeners

and our readers and so many of those are around toxic relationships how to kind of cut the cord and move away and deal with the heartbreak of that how to deal with competitiveness a feeling of jealousy how to be happy with for someone else when you're struggling yourself. And we've talked a few weeks ago about the fact that there can be a real sense of divisiveness in the way that we speak to one another, both to each other's faces and behind one another's backs. You know, the world of constant comparison, which is so much enhanced by social media and the online space can really make this feel so much worse and fuel that insecurity and jealousy. And it creates quite a vicious cycle. And I this feel so much worse and fuel that insecurity and jealousy and it creates quite a vicious cycle and I think definitely so much more of us struggle with this topic than we

like to admit and it was really interesting seeing everyone's questions that actually I think this is something that speaks to so many of us so I really hope this episode is really helpful and our guest today is the wonderful Xochitl Balfour who holds women's circles so that women can come together to share to support one another to embrace the ups and downs of life. And today we're basically going to do a virtual version of that. I guess it's like group therapy, really. I'm so welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. It's such a pleasure. And I guess let's just start with like the big picture. You know, I think, you know, we are slightly trained in the world today, and this is not just with women, with

everyone to be a little bit competitive of each other. You know, there's slightly trained in the world today, and this is not just with women, with everyone, to be a little bit competitive of each other. You know, there's quite a lot of pressure. And then we see so much in the media, you know, really critical of each other, whether that's someone's weight, what they're wearing. And it feels like we're quite quick to leap to that way of talking about one another. And obviously that then rubs off, I guess, on just becoming a normal part of today's culture so as you say it's kind of essential that we find new ways of relating to one another and kind of smash that paradigm which which does feel quite negative and how do we start that yeah well just to reflect on what you were saying I think that it's never been so difficult to escape a sense of comparison, competition, just pitching ourselves against

each other. And I was reflecting on it earlier. And I think we all know the media gives very skewed views of the female, of women, of our bodies, our skin, you know, there's still so much falsity that's endemic to how we consume what should be our role models. But also on social media, yes, there's a lot of freedom of expression and we can find some really inspiring and very real people there but it's also attaching a number and a figure to our creative expression and to our sharing of ourselves so even if we're trying to be very real and very vulnerable and very true there's still a number and a quantity attached to that so I think it's becoming increasingly hard to simply just share our truth and be and for me what I've found on the healing

path is that it's through not really being together in person enough we can feel very connected online and we can do wonderful work online together to grow and heal and hold space but we become very isolated if we're just receiving our wisdom and our love and our connection through our screens and so I think it's that disconnection from one another and also from nature leaves us deeply out of touch with the sides of ourselves that trust, that know we're enough, that feel loved, seen and accepted for exactly who we are. And is that your feeling? I mean, it's definitely how I see it, that it is that feeling of feeling not enough in ourselves, of feeling a bit insecure in ourselves and not connected necessarily to ourselves, that then potentially fuels that need, or even if it's quite subconscious, some sense of desire

to compare ourselves to others. And I know I've, I've had that, like, it will be a day where you're not feeling great about yourself, you know, for whatever reason. And then you then spend, you know, two hours looking at supermodels on Instagram, or, you know, looking at someone else's achievements. And, and it's almost like a kind of self-inflicted sort of I don't know like whipping of yourself you know you make it so much worse and and then to make yourself feel better you think well you know they haven't done this or they haven't done that and I do you think that is where it comes from it's that place of feeling slightly disconnected from ourselves that means that we feel a kind of innate need to judge someone else to make us feel

better yeah definitely I think that when we're in that space of feeling not enough or less than it's very easy to go and yeah as you say jump to that polarity of looking at these sort of impossible role models that we've been receiving our whole lives and I think we'll only be getting worse for the younger generations and then sort of at the same time dote on them and then also smash them to pieces to make ourselves feel better but all of this is really coming from from the mind probably from some old wounds or trauma we all have an inner child who went through stuff it's doesn't matter how perfect your upbringing was it's a the world is imperfect

and it hurts us and we all know rejection abandonment humiliation shame we all know it on one level or another and if we're not tending to that little child or girl within us then she's gonna pop up and she's gonna act out in a way that's probably in accordance with her age and I think that's where a lot of it comes from and there's a lot that we can do to well awareness is the first step so just being aware oh I'm in this cycle okay actually just put the phone down and take a breath but also we can talk about those kinds of tools yeah so what what are your kind of key tools when you find yourself getting into that headspace where you are maybe getting down on yourself and as a result getting maybe jealous of other people because looking at our listeners questions that's literally the number one question is I really want

to be happy for my friend, my sibling, my colleague but I'm struggling to find the happiness without a little bit of envy and obviously of course that's not the case all the time, it's not like all we do is feel envious of each other. But I think sometimes, you know, if someone's got that promotion or they're really flying at work and we're struggling or, you know, they're getting engaged and, you know, we've just had a breakup or something like that, it can be challenging to be really, really happy for someone else. It can be impossible in moments.

And I think, you know, the first thing is we're all human. We all get jealous. We all have schadenfreude. We all have a mind that's incredibly clever. And as I say, these wounds from the past, and it's really complex. So the first thing that I feel is most important is just compassion, compassion on yourself. And then of course, compassion on the other. But to say, okay, I'm feeling this. Oh, it's in my solar plexus it's in my body it's taking me over it's bigger than me what to do allow it first of all create that distance breathe into it feel it in the body and let it out because what we resist persists so as

soon as we think oh I shouldn't be feeling like this there's something wrong with me I'm not this perfect enlightened saviorviour, then that becomes more of a salient emotion because we're trying to escape it. So I really think accepting and allowing and then having compassion on yourself. So I know in previous episodes you've explored a lot the theme of self-love and there's been a few, what is self-love and is it a massage, is it total acceptance of all of you? And I think whatever self-love looks like to you, find ways to nurture it.

So for me, sometimes self-love is really finding ways to say yes to all of me. So even sitting in that sticky, tricky, gloopy, gross emotion of jealousy, for example, and just allowing myself to be there and watching it and saying, right, this is real right now. I still am an okay person. That is self-love. There's also other things we can do to resource ourselves. So you can take a breath, put your phone down, find your belly or your heart and just be for a moment in that space and create distance between the reaction that you're having and your reality. Go and have a bath, go be in nature where we know that we belong and our nervous system resets, do something to break that trigger. And if you can't, because these emotions can be quite addictive in our brain,

and as you said, you just kind of go off onto the binge. Love yourself through that. That's the first step. It's okay, we're human. This is coming from a place that isn't your true centered wise self, but it's also feeling very real right now. So yeah, acceptance, I think,

is a really big one to begin with. Yoga has, and I bang on about it the whole time, but it has been the most amazing tool for me to do that because I definitely have massively suffered with loads of different insecurities and not you know feeling good enough and feeling a bit different from other people and all the rest of it and it has been the most amazing tool as just like a moment where you can connect with yourself and it's so interesting like I definitely did not have a brilliant relationship with myself in the past like I didn't feel that positively about myself.

I definitely felt a long way from enough and felt really insecure and felt a lot of, you know, we've talked about it before on the podcast, imposter syndrome. And, you know, like, how am I doing what I'm doing? And it's been the most really subtle. But over the last few years, it has been the most transformational practice because it is that time with yourself. And I said it to Matt this week, I was feeling really struggling with that balance between kind of being a good mom and being good at my job. And, you know, where should I be? And, you know, how do I kind of do everything right? And I was feeling exhausted. And I went, I didn't really want to go. And I came back and I felt so accepting of the fact that I felt exhausted and that I was not quite doing both, you know, in the way that I

would have done before, but that's okay. And it's, it is really interesting about trying to give yourself a bit of space to then just kind of digest those feelings rather than just letting them build up and build up and build up. And then they start to kind of eat you to some extent. So I think a really key piece is coming into the body. Often when we're feeling these emotions, it's our nervous system and it's really activated you know we all know that kind of icky solar plexus energy spread and if we can bring us our attention or our awareness into our physical selves and kind of find the earth find the ground if that's through yoga or movement or whacking on your favorite song and just going for it and maybe even screaming if you can because why not get it out somehow the body will

regulate us much quicker if we can bring our awareness to movement or to that kind of activity it feels to me like that's a really big piece and there's something I think also about the practicality of it you know I know for me like when I feel rubbish I feel down on myself it's like just get out just you know that's going to walk go to yoga whatever it is but just like stop and go and switch it up it's just switching you know you have a choice when you're in that space mostly sometimes it overcomes you and that's fine but you have a choice to switch it up do anything and let the system find a new pathway completely and so on that in terms of kind of trying to create that positive view of of each

other and of other women like how do we start to change the conversation so we start to kind of really celebrate each other and you know people have such incredible female friendships that are like the backbone of their life and their support and I think it's so important to acknowledge that as well as the kind of challenges that we sometimes find and it's funny when someone's question was like why are women so bitchy you know you think it's just going to be when you're like 13 and going through puberty and struggling but like you know in my 50s and I feel like it's still the same but you know that there are those incredible friendships as well but how how do we change the conversation so that we celebrate women I mean I it was um I think it

was yesterday that 72 female politicians signed an open letter criticising the media for the way that they've treated Meghan Markle, for example, which I thought was really interesting. You know, like whether you like Meghan Markle or not, question for another day. The treatment of her is pretty horrendous, and it's really horrible to read each other kind of tear one another down in that way. So it was really lovely to see people really openly standing up for one another and how do we change that dialogue so that we start to just celebrate each other yeah so it's funny that what you said the reader sent in about oh women

are so good at being bitchy or you know and you often hear men say oh women you women are so catty and we're good at it because on the flip side, we're incredibly intuitive. We're incredibly nurturing. We're playful. We're sensitive. And so we're able to detect a lot of feelings in one another. Women are very good at going for the jugular, so to speak. We know when we feel threatened how to really bring someone down but if you flip around

what you know these if you look at these qualities that we embody naturally and build them up the intuition the playfulness the receptivity and especially for me what's been a huge piece is the sensitivity I used to feel that it was such a handicap to be so sensitive. All my life I've felt just wide open. And in fact, if you can get into a safe space where you can be sensitive, it's an amazing gift and we all have those qualities. So for me, one of the main ways to turn this around and one of the great bombs that we can bring is to be together in what I call a sacred space it's a term that's thrown around a lot at the moment but in fact it's because it's really needed is that we we used to as women gather and honor each other through life's transitions

through our first period through menopause through births there was much more awareness and attention paid to circles and to being together or bleeding together in the red tent or however it might have been and now obviously we're living in these incredibly separate societies and lives so for me one of the really huge pieces of of the healing journey has been coming together in a sacred space and by that I mean a space where you feel safe, where it's not about small talk and tittle-tattle. It's about being accepted and held and loved exactly as you are, all of you. Your rage, your grief, your joy, your playfulness, your jealousy, everything is welcome. And we are all reflections of each other.

So in these spaces,'ve found the deepest healing and I don't think there's ever been a better time to go onto your phone and look for a women's circle a cacao ceremony a weekend retreat a one-day workshop a sound bath a yoga class anything that it is there's this real resonance that we pick up when we're together in physical space and it's actually really exciting in that way what can happen when we come together so that's one piece and then another piece that is you know unavoidable for many of us is to find ways to heal that wounded inner child that small self if you like who is the one who isn't trusting doesn't feel safe feels threatened feels angry feels sad and is playing out, acting out when

we see other people that we love or don't love receiving things that we feel envious of. And so that might be therapy for some people. It's very stigmatized, but it's a phenomenal tool and can be very efficient when you start to show up for it. Might be continually going to circles where you can share and also do embodiment practices so you're not just in the mind talking about your stories whatever that might be we need to look after that little girl and love her really hard and give her what she needs so that she can walk with us but be a bit quieter yeah no completely and it's funny the more I've kind of tried to I guess get in touch

with that the more I can completely see myself why I react in certain ways or why I feel kind of triggered by certain people or just certain events and it's so interesting as everyone has their certain insecurities we said their kind of small self that rears up every now and again and as soon as you start to see that there's just this kind of really interesting pattern that emerges and I've found that it's so much easier to deal with any kind of conflict whether that's with myself with Matt with with my family with anyone because I can completely see why I'm bothered by someone saying something or some some kind of event and it's not to say that I never react to

it anymore but it has been really really helpful in making me understand why something bothers me and for me it always comes back my like biggest insecurity and I've said this before is that people think I'm boring and I've like completely and it's from when I was sick and I felt different from everyone else and I felt quite isolated and it you know and now anytime that happens it's really interesting because I can just you know I can completely see that I'm just like putting my insecurity into some what someone else is saying and and that's not what they're saying at all and it's that kind of ability to be rational about it in a way it's been really really helpful yeah I think it's edge stretching to be in our mature selves and say with total vulnerability oh I'm

really sorry that I flared up I was super triggered in fact I'm worried that you think I'm boring or that you're going to abandon me or that essentially I'm gonna die you know it's the nervous system flaring up and I'm really sorry let's start again it's it's edgy and it's really it's incredibly vulnerable but somehow that space and that awareness is the absolute key and I think it comes with experience and it comes with maturity and it comes with also reaching a point where you're like enough why am I not in right relationship with my sisters with my female friends so I'm really pleased you shared that and one of the questions that came up a lot is it's brilliant to celebrate each other it's brilliant to find

ways as you said to be much more open and vulnerable with each other to create those much deeper connections whereas you said you're also coming together as friends and you're really talking and really sharing you know things that really matter you know all those different emotions but you know I think we've probably all had it. And it seems to be a really common question with our readers is I think sometimes we do have relationships in our lives, whether that's with friends or actually also with family that aren't necessarily positive for us and can feel quite kind of toxic or negative or really draw us down or be just kind of overly triggering, always bringing out the worst of us. And, you know, we find ourselves being really and you know we find

ourselves being really you know positive happy people and then around that one person we feel like we become our 12 year old self again and not really a person we particularly like and you walk away from it every time feeling quite kind of heavy and grotty how do you I guess it's like how do you know when when to walk away for something but then also how do you do that because it's so difficult and it's few readers said which I think is so interesting and so true because obviously our friendships are such valuable important threads of our lives but so breaking up with a friend can kind of feel worse than any heartbreak you know you really miss that person even though

you know that they were potentially quite a kind of negative impact on your life? Yeah, it's a really, really difficult one. And I think, you know, many of us, especially if we have an abandonment wound or we feel frightened of rejection, which most of us do on one level, it can feel really scary to walk away from something that feels solid and nourishing on one level because we think, oh my God, what am I going to do without it?

But really, we're talking about self-love and self-care and I think one of the most important pieces with many journeys and all the women I've worked with and have come across is to be able to find a no and finding our no from a really strong wise informed and grounded place is a huge piece for many of us. Most of us fall into the sort of yes, easy, people pleasing category. And in terms of cutting the cords with unhealthy or not even unhealthy, but just slightly subpar friendships that don't bring out the best version of you right now, finding that no is really important. And it doesn't have to be a huge explosive conflict,

but if we're really taking responsibility for our happiness and for the sisterhood at large and for the reality that we want to create, then there's a way to use conscious communication and simply speak your truth. If we simply show up and speak our truth, then we can't go far wrong. If that's coming from the wise, mature, trusting women, then it takes care of itself. But for many people, even that is edgy to take your friend's hand and say, this is how I'm feeling and it's not perfect can be really really difficult

but all I know is that from the truth the right thing comes through and it takes courage and it takes a deep breath and then to honor the grief the immense grief that's something that we thought was working or nourishing or beautiful or perhaps as old as we are might not be the right thing right now and just grieving it and loving every part of it that gave us joy and honoring that people change and life changes and if we really want to heal and evolve and move past all these limiting icky patterns and behaviors things are going to have to be let go and it's in letting go of the old that we create the space for the new to come in sometimes the new boots out the old and there's no there's no space and not too much grief but usually we let something old go or die we rest in the abyss and think well what on earth

is coming next this hurts like hell and then we trust and that's when the space is open that we receive something wonderful and not better but just different and more aligned with where we are right now I really believe that that's that's the way yeah completely I mean I've had it with two friendships so far in my life and they're both at different times of both people that were kind of you know the closest people almost to me at that time. And it's a really, it's a really, really, really difficult, in a way, much more complicated than a classic sort of boyfriend type breakup. But both times, I have to say, there was a kind of tipping point where I just thought, no, this is just not, every time I walk away, I feel like I've just, I don't like

the person that I am. And it's not, it's just not bringing out any good part of me, but there's a sense of kind of dependency. And then there's this, there is a massive kind of hole in your life. And it's, it's so interesting, but definitely from my experience, both times it's, it's, it's so hard. And in a way it sounds quite selfish, but it was definitely by a million miles the right thing. But it is really, really hard. But I think both times you can let it, just like any relationship, go on longer than it maybe should. And I think it's okay to take a step back from that.

It's funny, Matt's dad always says to him, you know, you've always got a veto right in any relationship. And he's always kind of said that to his kids. And in a way, again, you can kind of just take it on surface value where it sounds a bit kind of selfish in some capacity but I actually I think it's so true in any relationship like it's it's got to be something where you're both putting in time and energy and support for one another and and if that's not there then then it is okay you're not a bad person if you want to say do you know what I can't really do this anymore and just because you've been friends for decades doesn't mean you have to take that

any further. Yeah, and it's also about trusting yourself and your inner knowing more than who you should be friends with or what's come before because we're always transforming and evolving. And especially for me, my 30s have been crazily transformational. You know, I thought I was meant to know who I was in my teens or early 20s, but that just wasn't the case. It's been constantly shifting and moving, and it's really trusting that I know what I need, but also that if you do it in a graceful way with basically truthful communication, then it's the best we can do. And also to say that often we walk away from something

and we have to walk so far away from it that it looks like it's completely disappeared. And then sometimes it comes back around in a much better way. I know for myself this has happened with many things so it's not always forever but it's in taking that distance and creating that space I think space is a big one because it just gives time for reflection and calibration and yeah taking whatever space we need means that if it is the right friendship to fight for and to invest in, then it will come back. But if we don't speak our truth around how we're feeling in the moment, then it doesn't stand a chance of authenticity. And how have you found it becoming a mother? Because I found that really,

really fascinating insight into, yeah, female relationships. And on one hand, I've never, ever, ever felt more supported you know I remember you know first of all like our midwife and our doula women who you know were who just was so brilliant and incredible and powerful and supportive and who I feel like completely you know guided the most life-changing day of my life and in just the best possible way and and I've never felt more supported by women and you know I remember the first time I had like a complete breakdown we were we'd gone up to Hampstead Heath to meet my sister-in-law and I was just really overwhelmed

and this guy was screaming her head off and it was all a bit of a disaster and I was just I'd just taken a step away and I just burst into tears and this lovely woman came up to me and said you know how old is she it will pass you know I've been there and it was just, I'd just taken a step away and I just burst into tears. And this lovely woman came up to me and said, you know, how old is she? It will pass. You know, I've been there and it was just some complete stranger and, you know, same, just incredible messages online from people. Friends have been amazing. My mum and my sister cooked for me literally every single day for two weeks. You know, just this like, I've never ever felt more supported. It's brought me really close. I mean, I've always been so close to my mum mum but I feel like it's brought another dimension into it and it has been amazing but then on the flip side I've never ever ever felt more judgment and you know you're doing it wrong you shouldn't

do it like this I can't believe you're doing that and you know I have been really struck and some people have said you know why don't you talk about parenting? Why don't you talk about this? And I'm like, I'm honest and I'm hand on heart. I've never said this about anything I've ever done until I'm too scared. You know, I'm too scared to open up that can of worms because I've never ever seen more judgment about something in my whole life than about motherhood. And it has been quite interesting. And I'd love to hear your experience with that because you've got a little two and a half year old. Yeah so as you say motherhood is one of the initiations in which you receive so much support and you really realize where the community is and who's going to show up for you and it's so life-affirming or at least it was for me to be so vulnerable you

can't be more vulnerable and you just have to receive and that can be so nourishing for many people for whom that's not so easy in the first place but on the flip side there's never been more judgment more opportunities to comment on things I'm sure you've received so many comments on all sorts of anything you've done around so many comments it's actually extraordinary and I think the the reason is because we're living very isolated lives we're not in tribe we're not in a village we're not being shown by our elders how things are done necessarily we're much more hodgepodge and we're gathering threads of wisdom and experience from all over from the internet from our friends from our elders from all over, from the internet, from our friends, from our elders, from all sorts. And so it can be very overwhelming. As a result, everyone feels

that they can comment on this or that because the floor is open in a way. And for me, it's been a really good lesson in finding that know, that deep know that can be one of the key parts of what I see as self-love and self-care and to walk away from a conversation. I do not need right now to talk about vaccinations or whether I'm giving my child gluten and dairy or screen time or schooling or the million and one things that can become a bone of contention

very quickly and very easily. And I would also say with motherhood that, you know, it's a fast track to intuition. We become incredibly intuitive because it's a primal evolutionary survival mechanism. And so we know what's best for ourselves and our children. And it's not for someone else to tell us. We might also find ourselves giving the odd little lecture here and there of course we're all human and it comes out and you're so passionate about something that you've experienced or known you want to share it but again it's taking space

taking a breath and just allowing and accepting the woman in front of you exactly as she is and that can be really hard but it only really happens when we can accept ourselves exactly as we are and as a mother too. And, but I think it comes definitely from my experience back around to what you were saying earlier about just like, if you're honest with people, you know, if you share like what you truly feel, you know, your truth with people, that's great.

But it's the way in which you communicate it. And I found that really, really insightful as well, as some people have written really lovely messages saying, you know, I saw you were doing this, or I saw you were doing that, or you said this, you know, I tried this and actually it was really interesting because I found X, Y, and Z. And that's really, I've genuinely, I found that really helpful, you know, different ways of doing things and opinions are not bad things. You know, it's great to share different ideas it really is it's helpful but the way in which we communicate it seems to be everything and I think that is for me what's the most interesting thing about the way I have to say especially women talk to women it's like

it's women that love you know and I know it's generalization, but if I look at all the girls and guys that I know, it's the girls that read Daily Mail online and follow supermodels. And, you know, if I look at my, you know, actually I did an ultimate Instagram call, but if I look at my Instagram feed or friends' Instagram feeds, and then I look at like Matt's Instagram feed, Matt follows like Tiger Woods and Tiger Woods fan club and like Golf 101 because he's obsessed with golf. There's nothing negative about his Instagram feed. There really isn't like, whether he spends too much time online because he just loves watching golf swings is a different question. But like, he's literally just watching golf swings. And I see that with so many guys is that that's the way they're communicating with each other. It's like, whoa, cool swing. Or, you know, they're watching football or it's like, you know, there's nothing about it that feels negative you know apart from whether yeah maybe it's too much blue light that's a completely different question but in terms of like your emotional

health whereas we as women seem to follow things that start making us communicate negatively with each other and kind of yeah immediately trigger us and I guess as we kind of draw to a close how do we change the way that we communicate so that we can start to support each other with a difference of opinion, you know, or if you're struggling and they're succeeding and say, you know, I am struggling, but I am happy for you. You know, how do we crack open that communication to make it honest, but supportive? So I think communication is a really interesting theme and tool that not many of us are taught. You know, we just model what's around us and that's how we communicate. And something that I've worked with a lot in groups and the work that I do is nonviolent communication.

It's a really lovely tool for how to communicate without placing blame, without reacting. It's really you taking responsibility for what you feel and sharing it in a very neutral way. And there's a website, Nonviolent Communication. It's all around Google. And it can be a really, really helpful tool. So it's about us taking responsibility for how we create these better friendships and this new way of communicating. And I think a lot of it comes down to vulnerability. It's very hard for many people to be vulnerable. So they don't know how to gracefully share their feelings with you. And instead, you just get smashed with like a hate bomb. But it's really about practicing the art of speaking your truth and sharing. And that's one big piece that I find really helpful. In fact,

on my website, there's a free ebook about how to hold a sister circle. And that's one big piece that I find really helpful. In fact, on my website, there's a free e-book about how to hold a sister circle. And that's just a very basic women's sharing circle. And even if you've never sat in a sacred space before and shared your truth, you know, this is great medicine for us as women to receive and to witness each other without trying to fix each other, without giving our opinion, without spewing judgment. It's just acceptance and holding space which are absolute gifts and then I also think coming back to being together

and being together in these ways where we can nurture those qualities we named in the beginning the sensitivity the vulnerability the wisdom the, because we're such intuitive beings. We can pick up and sense so much. And the more we can show up in that kind of space, maybe it has to be online. There's some online women's temple or circle that you can join. But if it can be in the physical, it will inform dramatically how our female relationships start to unfold. Because when we experience that true holding and loving as women as sisters together our systems receive something that we're longing for so much that we remember that this reality is possible so then we come back to our instagram or our social media and we think

i'm looking at that feed but it's just not making me, it's not bringing home the honey, you know, it's not making me feel good in my body and in myself. And you call, you unfollow. You might have someone who you think you're really close with, but if you're hating on their feed or it's bringing up triggering emotions, you don't need to follow them. And you find, again, you make that space and what then comes in is new and beautiful and serves you in a much better way I loved how you talked about listening there and we did an episode a couple of weeks ago about more community focus and actually touching on kind of the divisive nature of politics the moment but but building bridges basically and it was so funny because our guest one of his three takeaways at the end was the importance of listening to each other

and it's actually it's so funny Matt's mum who's the most amazing woman always said like and he was really holds true from from that from her the importance of listening to someone else and actually that that's one of the best ways of communicating and I think it's such a nice food for thought really is that actually it's so much about how can we just listen to one another or observe one another or just be with one another without feeling something needs to be fixed or dealt with that's so beautiful you know as a mother's advice that's like the best you can give but also to add that when we listen consciously and presently we realize that we're all the same that's the the big piece for me is that when you actually engage in receiving what people are saying we're all just mirrors of each other we all have the same feelings the same ickiness the same hopes and dreams and fears

and grief and all the rest and so I think that's a really yes you're serving the other person by listening and you're actually giving them a gift by holding space for them but you're serving the other person by listening and you're actually giving them a gift by holding space for them but you're also receiving constant reflections of your own truth and that can that commonality and that shared experience is so important and I think especially for women in this age yeah because I think when you have that vulnerability and you realize someone else is struggling with insecurity with self-doubt with am I enough you start to think okay these feelings are so normal it's so okay that I feel like that and then they shrink they just diminish so quickly and something so much more beautiful comes in their place totally and I think then we look at each other with such a nicer lens because we're

like you know what she probably feels that way too you's okay. Yeah, and we might even go and give her a really big belly hug afterwards or a little kiss on the forehead or bring that softness and that loving playfulness that we all possess where it's needed because we're longing for it. One of the amazing women whose teachings I've been following and receiving, she's called Sharmilee Ardagh and she runs Awakening Women. And she always says give what you're most longing for and that for me is the nectar that's where it is we know

what we're longing for and as soon as we give it it comes back a thousandfold i think when you find that vulnerability and that openness with each other i think it creates a bit more space to then walk away from other things where you're like you do you know what, we don't have that sense of kind of complete openness, of complete acceptance of one another. And if we can't have that, is it right? Yeah, definitely. Because when you're experiencing it somewhere and you're receiving it in your body and your heart, then you know it and you can then assess your other friendships and realize where they're lacking.

And also in cutting the cords with the ones that aren't serving you one or both of you you will probably also be let go by someone there's there's you know a chain of events that happens and that's okay it's not a rejection of all of you it's that someone just like you is at a point in their journey where something that you represent and it might just be a random trigger that triggers their inner child from 20 years ago it's just not serving them and so it's this kind of really compassionate letting go and accepting and trusting and as I said before grieving it and having gratitude at the same time because in the end we're all each other's teachers and we're so wise and we're so deeply knowing and sensitive that all we can do is learn

from each other and see those reflections with equanimity yeah and you know what one last thought before we go on to your kind of closing thoughts for the episode is it's so funny like when I got into this kind of wellness space for once for a better expression you know a few years ago I think because I was in a bad place with myself I was quite kind of judgmental and skeptical of all kinds of different expressions and it's so funny some first time someone said inner child to me I thought what are you talking about like this is so weird and it's all these things that you see such judgment in it and the more I started to understand it the more I was like yeah 100% this is reflecting to you know so

if anyone is out there thinking what are they talking talking about? I think it's for me, at least it was like, it was recognizing that things when I was younger and things in my life, you know, that aren't happening right now are things that had kind of built up, learn insecurities or patterns or worries, or just kind of, yeah, things that trigger and you can kind of call it what you want, but all of us have those patterns built into our emotional self, basically. And what we're talking about, if I'm correct in saying, is about, you know, recognising where they've come from and how they've built into the person that you are today.

Exactly. And, you know, in those formative years, it can be zero to 14 or beyond. We're in obviously rapid growth, but we're also really impressionable. And we're in environments, you know, I would say school is a huge environment where we've picked up many of these behaviors. It's not all from parenting and social imprints. School can be a massive one. There's a pack mentality. There's a lot going on. And that can make some really strong imprints. And if we don't have time to process them, which you know, often we don't, we're just in survival mode, if we're having some kind of confrontation at school,

then they just stay trapped in us. So when we talk about the inner child, we're talking about, you can also call it the small self. It's though that part of us that has experienced trauma or danger or not feeling safe and not had time to really process it and let it out and that's what can be done in the therapeutic world or in I do lots of work with clients around working with nature to kind of bring that sense of belonging and safety where we know that we're actually at home and accepted and we can trust so yeah the inner child is I know what you mean getting really triggered by that phrase but also we tend to fear a little bit what we don't know so of course you hear a new phrase and sounds a bit healing and you think but you know we sit with it and if we have an inner child to sort out it

will probably come back into our consciousness and we'll show up for whatever comes next and that's what I thought was quite funny about it was the time that I definitely needed it because those insecurities were becoming quite a problem I would say for my happiness and my kind of sense of feeling enough was when I needed to address them and it is you feel triggered by something because almost you don't want to know because it's a bit difficult and I have to say dealing with it was hard like there's no there's no two ways around that like recognizing feeling rejected abandoned not enough not good enough that people don't like you whatever it is is is difficult it is so hard and you know I get goosebumps just hearing your experience because for me this is where the beauty is this is where

the healing is and it's so difficult to go through and wait. Sometimes it's like walking through treacle, why we're feeling like this, what happened here and we're unraveling. But if we really want to forge a better reality and we really want to step into our power and mature as women, this is the work. And sometimes I feel that it's a huge blessing when it gets to that point where the discomfort or the insecurities or the absolute terror, however it is for you, is just too much because you're pushed into a new way. And it's worrier-esque work. We have to do the work. But, you know, listening to all your podcasts, everyone's got their stuff.

And I see now what a gift that is because it brings so much sweetness and so much balm when we can find a different way of being in the world and ultimately in this conversation of being in sisterhood it's the sweetest space I know and by the way just to say that took me 34 years to come by it's only from a very difficult relationship with girls in my youth and lots of complex stories and imprints that I have come to this work so out of the struggle comes the purpose and and the beauty totally and when when friendships and especially female friendships are are in the sweet spot they are like the most magical things in the world and that's what gets you through and it is you know I've definitely seen that you know motherhood a blessing the last three months have been so intense.

And it's the women who have just completely been magic for me. And I've never felt that more strongly. So if we're going to take away food for thoughts, I guess, from this episode, what would they be for you? So I feel all gooey and melty about just how wonderful it can be I would say the first one is just be together and not in a drunken dinner party because that doesn't always raise the vibration but as I said find a sacred space take a breath be bold take a leap for me now it's like a magnet you know someone's holding a circle I'm there so find a

way to be together physically and if you can't be there physically for whatever reason find an online sister circle find lots of people are doing webinars and this kind of thing go find my ebook but just yeah togetherness is key don't sit on your own and scroll change it I would say to get into nature for me and my work with women coming back to nature which is our great mother is absolutely fundamental and it's really there when we're in the hardest parts of our process or when life is throwing us those curveballs and even relating seems messy it's really there that we know that we belong and that we're okay. I find nature to be, one of my teachers calls it the healing green, so get into the healing green.

I would say, you know, this inner child, this small self, if they're not being quiet and getting the message, find someone who can help you through that and do some work because it it changes everything cut those cords if they're not serving with courage and trust and graceful communication and that might mean a big unfollow as well and lastly I would say we talked about space I would say to just be aware of trying to become your own witness when you're in those behavioral patterns with women that you feel are toxic or you know in your body a kind of poisonous somehow just take a breath and and and just watch yourself and see who is it who's acting out like that and then find a way to switch it up and also then to just love them really hard and accept yourself and all your perfect imperfection in this moment perfect well

thank you so so much that was that was I'm feeling yeah feeling really kind of warm and fuzzy so I hope you are all too and we will be back again next week have a lovely week everyone thanks so much bye you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad heard only in canada reach great canadian listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from libsyn ads choose from hundreds Thank you.