We Might Be Drunk - 226: Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

We finish a bottle of Por Osos on this episode with Bert Kreischer and even get a fun pop in from everybodys favorite Ari Shaffir. He joins us after we're already toasted, hope he can catch up. Check out Bert's special "Lucky" on Netflix now. Give Ari's special on Netflix a spin too "American Sweetheart" Support the show and get your $1-per-month trial period of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD  WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Bert Kreischer: https://www.bertbertbert.com Ari Shaffir: https://arishaffir.com Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcastomedy 

I'm gonna go ahead and do it. You can roll on this. Okay, roll it up. Here's my problem. I said something super funny on Chris DeSefino and Yannis Popis podcast uh about therapy and as soon as I said it, I went, I should have saved that for my

act. Uh. That's the only problem I have is like I I should like I can't just use it in your head. Do it Oh, no, buddy. I had a joke about I repeat. I had I Know why no cuz you're special special I should be stuff you can add to it you can hone you can make it But you can maybe you can build to it, but like I had a joke. I told Tom a joke one time That it made him laugh so hard that I went, I'm gonna use that in my act. It was, I took a shit in Japan,

so a big one time the guy installed next to me threw up. And it's true story, and he threw up, and it was in Japan, so I thought he was talking to me. So he was like, ugh. And so Tom laughed hysterically. I wanted to open my special, I wanted a hey big boy or a razzle dazzle. Hey big boy, I wanted to open it with it.

I wanted to open with that joke. I wanted to open with that joke. And I was opening with that and this is what was happening in the audience. Cause I heard it on the pod. You heard it, a joke special because you hear it that one time. And so I changed it to a joke that happened with Ari the week before he drugged me

was I took a shit in a gender neutral bathroom that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. She was like, fuck, you guys need separate rooms. And so, but like, it's funny, but it's not as good as the channel. I like a good shit joke. I love shit jokes.

Wow, see, we're lucky because no one listens to this. So we can just repeat ours. It was good seeing you guys. Hey, check out my special Lucky streaming right now on Netflix. It's Cookie, you're in the top 10, baby. I watched it, you come out swinging. I mean, it's blow job right out of the gate. It's the opposite in the top ten, baby. I watched it the you come out swinging Yeah, I mean it's blowjob right out of the gate. Yeah, it's it's the opposite of the net. You know how I

Well same body most specials She still has one of my favorite jokes, yeah, oh yeah, I got right That one Why you guys are our great podcasters is that you're so quick It's why you also can do crowd work because your crowd works just topical shit you throw away anyway Yeah, that's why you guys are so good is you're just quick and funny and you're always writing something like me And this is why I'm I have a hard time on on some podcasts and on like roasts is I'm a storyteller. So I have to tell you the thing that happened to me. So it's like-

You're personal. I'm personal. And yeah, so, but God that was funny. Your people want, they want your life. I don't know if they want mine. I do. I don't even know if I want mine. I don't know.

Brand new kid, are you kidding me? Yeah, I got some kid stuff. Do you like, I don't even know if I want mine. Brand new kid, are you kidding me? Yeah, I got some kid stuff. Do you, like, I think, the best compliment I ever got was, I posted a video of Leann pulling, what are we, bladder infections? Uh oh. We heard you wanted cranberry, we wanted grapefruit.

Oh yeah, I can't do grapefruit because I'm on blood pressure medicine. Might be a sign that you should slow down the drinking. No, no, no, no, no, blood pressure medicine. You're gonna have poison, do grapefruit because I'm on blood pressure medicine. Might be a sign that you should slow down the drinking. No, no, no, no, no, blood pressure medicine. You're gonna have poison, not grapefruit. Grapefruit counteracts with medications. Is that right? Yeah, so you can't take medications and grapefruit.

That's gonna kill my blue chew. Definitely don't do that. Wait, are you on a blue chew for real? Wait, is it bad for your heart? Yeah, we're good. Ah, all right, shit. Oh, God. No, what was I just saying?

Oh, I posted a video. Leann and I, right after the cruise, we went to, what did you say? What is this shit? It's a horrible vodka. Grapefruit. Shut the fuck up. Oh, let's drink some bodega, cat. Yeah, sorry.

Sorry, you were saying. Hey Hey listen, can I tell you? We got approached by Whiskey first, and my initial thing was they already got bodega cat. You and Tom both told me that. It's very nice of you guys. It's like why would you compete with a friend when you can do something that no one's doing? You hear that, Gaffigan? Has Gaffigan got a whiskey? What's it called, Seven Children?

It's called Father Time, it's a good name. Yeah, solid, but you're a vodka guy anyway. Buddy, let me tell you a story. I sat on a plane next to a fucking beautiful man one time, I'm leaving Philly, and early flight, hungover, and the lady comes up, she goes can I get you a drink and I said Heineken in the can, no glass, just a can please. She goes okay, I'm very specific about my cocktails. She says sir can I get you a drink

and he goes ooh I wouldn't mind something. He goes double Tito's and soda please. And I went ooh vodka this early and he went it's in my contract. I went what? And he goes I'm a male model, so the only thing I'm contracted able to drink is vodka because it doesn't bloat you, keeps you skinny.

And I went, hmm. I said ma'am, can I change mine to a double T-Dos and soda? And that day forward, I drank only T-Dos. Well how do you explain the bloat? I don't know. I guess it doesn't work for everybody Why why why he's not being shot there? He was going to a shoot or something? Oh, yeah And I heard that covers. I had that conversation and I went I went alright

I'm a vodka guy and then that line first is doing pretty well, too Yeah, dude. He was gorgeous his name was tad tad holyad, I mean you know the kind of face where you go, do you need to shave? That's the perfect color skin. Right. Like it's just perfectly tan with a great jawline. Oh yeah. Man, must be nice.

Yeah. Tad. You wanna hear another good story? Sure, I hope it's better than that one. That one was a Ted Gay. Never mind, you guys go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a great album, Ted Gay.

Well, gay guys are the only ones looking at male models. I don't think women are even looking at male models. You never see a woman with a model poster on their wall, do you? I don't know. It's the same thing with big dicks. Women don't care you I don't know same thing with big dicks Women don't care about big dicks. We care about big dicks. Thank God. I only want a big dick to show other men. Yeah Good point or like Chris Evans you want it to leak there was all these big dick guys just happen to have their dicks leaked Brad Pitt do you remember Brad Pitt's dick back in heat Brad Pitt's kind of thog. Really? Uh... A thog? Yeah. That's a...

What does that mean? A thog. A thicc hog? Yeah, a thicc hog. Oh. Wait, I didn't know this. Yeah, look at Brad. That's not... I mean...

That's good! But you gotta remember he's 6'3". 6'1". Is he 6'1"? 6'2". Look, he's always... Wait a minute, I don't know if that's a thog. It's better than mine!

No, I've seen your dick! Let me zoom in. pull up my dick. This is getting pretty gay that I'm coming Pull up my dick, I don't know if that's that on the right. He looks pretty good. That's not the right home But it's not hard. It's not hard. Yeah, it's not hard All right, go to um, who's married to Katy Perry. I love that We're not even drunk yet. We're like, let's look at pictures of dudes wait. Who's Katy Perry? Katy Perry? Nope Orlando Bloomsdick's pretty nice really paddleboarding naked in the ocean pull it up. I've seen this a lot Oh boy see men no dicks look at this Yeah All right, it's a good dick

But why uncut yeah, that's pretty good. Uncut. Soft. All right, now type in Bert Kreisler. It's an uncut gem. It's an uncut gem. Interesting. Uncut is wild to put out in the sun, but it's got a little hood. Just go to images.

It's not gonna get sunburned. Okay, far left. Far left, yeah. Oh, I remember this photo. Oh yeah. Hey, now see that? Now that looks way better. So here's the deal. So I got really photo. Oh, yeah. Hey, let's see that now that looks way better. So here's the deal

So I got really turned on to uh, they call meat prints. Mmm This is like a Hollywood walk of fame star before your dick. No, this is look my brain is not like your brains Okay, so the way I see marketing sometimes a little different So I was following dudes who had big dicks and were doing posts about nothing, but you saw their dick in their pants, and then I would be like, every fucking video you'd see his dick in his pants. And I was like, and it's called Meat Prince.

So I was like, dude, I'm gonna start putting in Meat Prince. So I posted a picture, yeah. Oh, Ham. Meat Prince. John Ham has a fucking hog. That's a hog. You can see the head of his dick in that. And it's wide. Yeah. picture yeah oh Ham meat Prince John Ham has a fucking hog that's a hog that you can see the head of his dick in that and it's wide yeah so so like if I ever took

a gym picture right I'd always make sure that my dick was a little hard and it was in the pants so that people go you look great and then a couple guy goes look at his dick yeah and you get the comments run in there like dude look at his fucking hog yeah and then this one I was like I was like let's just do straight-up dick. Did you chub at all or is that? It's almost rock hard It's almost rock hard smart smart move and people are like dude we get it you lost weight I go you're missing the pic If you were near a playground, you'd be banned for that. Yeah, 100% the sad thing is my daughters are on my Instagram be banned for that right there. Yeah, 100%.

The sad thing is my daughters are on my Instagram. Oh. Dude, we posted a video the other day of Leanne explaining how her sex toy works. Mm. Oh. And Isla was like, Dad, never post that again. Seriously, Dad, I'm on your Instagram.

What kind of sex toy? It's from this place called Woo More Play. Woo More Play, sounds like my Asian ex. Woo More Play, yeah, go to that website. Oh boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the one with the heart, that one. And so Leanne never used a toy in her whole fucking life. Never used a toy.

I mean, I'm speaking a little out of school, but she was very meat and potatoes. You had sex and that was it. Nothing came into the room, nothing wild. And then she got on testosterone, I talk about it on the special, and man she turned into a whore. And she started listening to other women

talk about shit they liked, and she said, let's try that. And there's a woman named Bostic, Michael, and I'm sorry, I can't remember her name right now. Bostic is her last name. And she sent Leanne this and said, try this, and then try their lube, it's like crazy good, because it's coconut oil based, so it smells great, it doesn't, it's not like a lube.

Lube feels like whore gel, you know? Like you're like, you ever have to put too much lube on your hand and you can't jerk off, you can't feel it? Yeah, it looks too slippery. Yeah, and you're like, I feel like a dolphin swimming. Yeah. And this- Well, Macaulay Culkin could have used this in Home Alone

to trip him up, you know? Dude, lube is gross. Yeah. And you feel like you just fucked a whore and you're like yeah right but this woo shit that they have is like is it smells great and then it's like I it's amazing it's also edible and now what does that do does that so put on the clip I assume no no god damn it so this is what the video is about our friends We and got all our friends one and her friend trying to put her husband's dick through that. Oh, she didn't know how to worked What yeah, you must have a weird-shaped cock. What the hell he's Asian

I'm learning a lot here. This is I'll get the wife one. I'll tell you man Leanne got into this like Very adventurous sexual phase of her life. I saw that the Superdome She would not leave you alone you guys went in the bathroom like three times. She is she is I don't know man It's like I don't know what happened to her. It's like it's like being married to a different person Yeah, I'm very happy now like I was always happy But I didn't know that you couldn't order anything other like being married to a different person. I'm very happy now. I was always happy, but I didn't know you couldn't order anything other than a cheeseburger. And I was like, cool, I like cheeseburgers.

Everyone likes cheeseburgers. Sure, I look at fucking Torduckian and I'm like, that would be fucking all amazing. But I was like, I got cheeseburger. I always order cheeseburger. And then one day she was like, yo, you ever put peanut butter on a cheeseburger? And I was like, okay, try it.

I was like, that's fucking good. And she was like, yo, fuck the cheeseburger, let's get pizza? And I was like, okay. Right. Try it. I was like, that's fucking good. And she was like, yo, fuck the cheeseburger. Let's get pizza. And I was like, okay, I'm in. And so we're in this wild phase right now. It's been really fun. Yeah.

Well, weird God set it up so strange because we're horny as shit at 19 to 28. And then women aren't that horny. And then they're horny as shit from like 39 to 52. Yeah, and then so that's why I always like Cougars That's why they want to fuck the 19 year olds. Exactly. They're fucking all the students in Florida Yeah, but yeah, I was went after Cougars cuz they were like a guy. Yeah, they're getting fucked on the banned books in Florida. Yeah People go if Leanne died, would you marry like a young girl? And I went no I go right back to where I was

Would you marry like a young girl and I went no I go right back to where I was Perimenopausal is the fucking best the bad you can shoot all in there I'm like I'm attracted to like all our peers all our female comics are perimenopausal I go like I bet like give me a name Sarah. I bet Sarah Sarah fucking Chelsea yeah, come on Leanne Morgan. Oh Miss Pat fucking Chelsea yeah come on Leanne Morgan oh shut the fuck up miss Pat oh I tried Sarah's hot as fuck like a very attractive lady yeah Sarah's gorgeous she doesn't age no it's so funny is she came and did the podcast or maybe my cooking show and her and Leanne just started went immediately into menopause

talk uh-huh going through menopause. Now what is that? No period, no kids. No period, but you kind of turn into a dude a little bit. I like that. You're like, your testosterone ups up and you're like, it's like real, not, I should rephrase that. But women start really achieving when they hit menopause. That's when they get like their, that's when they get their like second wind to become like fucking gangsters, right? Martha Stewart fucking menopause fucking boom good point. She's still rocking too. She's like

She looks amazing. He looks great, dude. You know she fucks and she'll make a hell of a sandwich after yes They should be sure won't leave it in bed. Yeah We get up and we put on a shirt if we're gonna eat a sandwich. Jeffrey, Jeffrey. Also, she's been to jail, so she's kind of dirty. Got an edge. She's got an edge.

Exactly, she was scissoring in there. What do you think the hottest, oldest ethnicity is? Betty White. Oh, well J.Lo is cooking at 52 or whatever. She looks great. Yeah, a little color definitely helps you not crack Oh, yeah, Irish Fucking dry foot

Old potato there's a S and X on their face son daughter over there. Yeah, but That's gotta be tough. I think Ben Affleck's kid is trans as well. Oh, yeah, what's going on in LA Bert? Tell us your kids are Not trans right? Affleck's kid though, it's her kid. I think his is trans as well. Oh, yeah Yeah, this is why I say shut the fuck up about that, right? You know I say this to use my friend don't you want to meet Ben Affleck and him to go like hey, dude I fucking you're awesome. I didn't say anything bad

Fact yeah, I know his kids it was an observation. Yeah, I mean Jersey girl was bad, you know But I think the town the town was good. That was great. I was fucking the animals great bro I watched that on repeat where he goes. I'm gonna ask you to do something. I can have no questions But it's gonna involve some crimes. We're gonna maybe kill someone you in he goes whose car we taking yeah Jeremy right you hyped up God Shut the fuck up Jeremy Renner. You got too hyped up. God.

Jeremy Renner crushes that. Can I tell you, okay, I know there's people that clip out everything from every podcast in the world. And I know you probably hate me. Can you just do me a favor and clip out all the best scenes from every movie like this and let me watch them so I get pumped the fuck up? Oh yeah. Like when they used to, remember at sporting events they used to do that.

They'd be like, it would be like Peter Finch from network and he'd be like I want you to stand up I want you to yell and to be like let's go But it would get you they get you the fucking Hoosier scene where they're just like Yeah What that great scene where team do you play for? How about that great scene where Jeremy Renner gets hit by the snow plow? All right.

Don't you wanna meet him one day and have a say to you? Shut up, SallyQ, you copycat! It's crazy because I've definitely done that where I've talked shit about people and I've done it wildly and then they've approached me about it and been like, who? Give us a name. I'm surprised you don't wanna meet anybody

after that Sandler meet. That was legendary. So bad. What happened? Sandler? You didn't see that? No. Oh, this is a classic.

Who have you met though, that before we get to this, who have you met where it's been bad? Dax Shepard. Oh, why? I was doing podcasts, and you're fucking around around and you're like and like

Tom Tom and are doing a podcast and he's like your Dax Shepard got a new podcast number one podcast in the country I was like I fucked Dax Shepard Trashing Dax Shepard Your lecture in the fence. Well, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't say fuck that guy I just say I got a trans kid. But you know when you talk wild and you're just drunk? Sure, shit. And I just trash him and I'm like, I'm like dude, I don't know what I said, I went off, you know?

Yeah. You know when your boy's like egging you on and you're like, and he's laughing, so you're like, I'll make him laugh harder. Right, right. And then two things happen. Number one, I got a Dax Shepard shirt in the mail. Whoa, he sent a message, passive aggressive.

And I was like, oh fuck. It's like a horse head in the mail. Whoa, he sent a message. Passive aggressive. And I was like, oh fuck. It's like a horse head in the bed. Yeah. Then I don't talk to him for like, by the way I have big stuff coming out where I would love to have done this podcast. You know, like the movie came out, I would love to have done this podcast,

but like, yo, I talked shit. It's like, you dig, you slay it in the hole, you dig. Right. You talk shit on the number one podcast. Dude. Is it number one? That's what he just said. It was the number one podcast at the time.

Oh, jeez. It was like so fucking hot. And it still is a huge podcast. Burr's like, you know who else sucks? Caller Daddy, Rogan. Yeah, good way to get on. But hold on, you see. Gavin Newsome.

We know dudes that have trashed Rogan publicly that have even been on his podcast That's true, and they're doing it because they fucking they're bummed that he's not returning their call ah They have no idea he has seven numbers ago It's like it's like a chick good point like a chick who you're mad about and you're outside the window with a fucking stereo Yeah, houses yeah House anymore that's why isn't she opening her window? Yeah. Yeah, so so then Dax says to me So then I get a call and they're like yo

It's happened with a couple people I've trashed damn. Well, I want to hear the other names. I know I'm I can't wait Kevin Hart Oh what? Real trashing but like it's it's the whole name of the special is lucky and it's because I Got at the end. Do you say thanks? I'm Kevin Hart. No, that would be a horrible idea I had a period of time where I was tired of hearing about people's hard work Ah, I was like yo, you can work your ass off. We all know guys who bust their ass. Every day.

Every day they show up to the club, they have new jokes, they're working their ass off, but they just haven't had the lucky break. The one thing, you know, and everyone can identify that lucky break, is like something really great happens to you, and then all of a sudden, it opens up the fucking world to you.

And so, and Kevin Hart used to say, and by the way, Kevin, I'm already sorry for what I'm about to you. And so, and Kevin Hart used to say, by the way Kevin, I'm already sorry for what I'm about to say. Oh boy. But Kevin Hart used to say, I'm the hardest working man in comedy. I'm the hardest working man in comedy. And at a time it was like,

it was kind of like grating on my ears, so I was like, no we all work hard, but you have had lucky breaks. I wanna hear about, I just wanted to hear about the lucky break. Ah. I wanted to hear, just tell me a lucky break so that that gives me hope.

That I can believe in luck. Like hard work, dude, there's a dude digging a hole, listening to this right now going, yeah, I bust my ass every day, I can't catch a break. And I was like, and so an agent came up to me. And he goes, I heard what you said about Kevin Hart, you wanted to know his lucky break. I said, I would love to.

He said- He did Dax Shepard his lucky break. I said I would love to. He said. He did Dax Shepard's podcast. And I put him over the top. No, no, this is wild. Yeah. He goes, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart did Soul Plane. Oh yeah.

It didn't do well. So you got put on time out. Right? Yeah, right. You can't, you're not, you're not, you gotta hop off the carousel and you gotta wait till it goes around a couple times to get back on. Yeah And then they have a movie called fool's gold with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson yes

Cat Williams is supposed to play the gangster in that cat Williams packs a gun in his luggage He gets arrested at the airport Was that his regular gun or the movie gun? His regular gun. Okay. Did he not know you're not supposed to do that? I don't know. Get Williams. Principal photography's starting in a week.

They already have a wardrobe for a small black man. Oh. I wanna hear that story. Tell me that story. That's a great story. That's the story I can hang my hat on. We need like James Belushi to like fucking... Yeah.

...get arrested for weed and they're like, Bert's stepping in, dude. According to Bert. But every comic's got a viral lucky moment. A lucky moment. That's a good point. And it makes you go viral. And I'll do it for everyone.

I'll do it for everyone if you want. But I can tell you, Burs, you know Burs. Yeah. The heckle thing? The Philly. For you it's the machine. Yeah. The heckle thing? The Philly. Yeah. For you it's the machine. 100%.

The gaffer in the top pocket. Yeah. It's that lucky moment. Mine was December 27th, a woman named Kristin Hodgson opened up an iPad she got for Christmas, opened up two days late, she uploads Facebook, the first video she sees is My Machine story, and she writes, I was in birch watching class,

I was on this trip, the story's 100% true He fucking robbed us Wow Like it's like you want to this is how much I believe in luck like okay I'm on my sixth special my fourth Netflix special. Yeah Maybe I don't do maybe I only do two, you know secret time comes out does okay next one comes out I'm like, I hope it does well My special dropped March 17th 2020 ah the pen Demi at home orders were March 14th if that's not fucking luck

I don't know what is good if you identify your luck, then you're being disingenuous to the people I had a similar thing happen February 2020 my YouTube thing came out not a lot of YouTube specials existed at the time So that gave me a nice little bump yeah thank you on the phone with me yeah we're talking on the phone about yeah thank God for the pandemic yeah thank God for luck nothing bad happened from that now no but yeah you're right there's always something there's always a thing like thank God with birds there was a camera rolling can you imagine camera and it still worked and it still

worked yeah Jeffries you ready oh the punch pull worked. And it still worked. Yeah. Jim Jefferies, you ready? Oh, the punch! Pull up the punch! It was like CCTV. Pull up the punch! But Jim had like three. Jim also had the gun bit. No, no, no, no.

But that's a bit. No, no, that's a bit. That's a great bit. Jim Jefferies, here's what's crazy. Brett Pinter, no, Andres, Andres, Andres. Three thousand. No, no, Brett is his, Andres' brother, and Brett's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company.

And he's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company. And he's a manager in the company. And he, Andres, Andres. No, no, Brett is his, Andres' brother, and Brett's a manager in there. Okay.

And so Brett was, didn't, he knew how to edit. He knew how, he was Jim's manager. Oh wow. Jim could have never posted that on MySpace. Jim's never used a fucking computer in his life. Right. So like, there's crazy luck that applies to life. And I feel if you identify your luck,

you're that much smarter of a man. And don't sit there and go, I deserve this. No, no, no. I got lucky as fuck. I met a guy one time who was like, hey man, I'd love for you to do my podcast. I was like, yeah, I don't really know what podcasts are, but that would be cool.

Fucking Joe Rogan. Damn. Come on, man, come on. What the fuck are we talking about? Who's another guy that you talk shit about know what podcasts are but that would be cool fucking Joe Rogan damn who's another guy that you that you talk shit about that had to run into cuz I isn't Jack Shepard was the one that one Jack Shepard I'm doing a podcast with a guy I trashed on Rogan who Gene Simmons Oh That shepherd came and so like I would get texts or a thing Kevin Hart wants you to be on his podcast and I'll be like cool I know I kind of like I kind of made fun like I would trash him for the hard work shit

But I was like, I know we're cool and I hung out with him at the Brady roast Yeah, we're fine. We're totally fine. And it's cool that they have you on. It's what if you want to they're like fuck him I never want to see him again, but they're like no let's talk about it And so I get a text a couple times Dak Shepard for two bears, and I'm like yeah in my head I go like I hope so I'd love to you know clear the air Yeah, yeah, he didn't earlier it so Dak Shepard comes on two bears. I was like hey, man such fan He's like no. They're so similar man like so cool. He's like you know I have a tour bus at my house I was like no way. He's like yeah, he's like I see your tour bus. I was like, yeah, and we're clicking we're clicking and I was like nice

Bring him into the fucking podcast house and he's like dude. This is great that you do this here, man This is crazy. We get up and I was like dude. It's so good to have you and he was like, why did you trash? But yeah, but he's he and I was like, and I told him, I was like, dude, when you do podcasts as much as we do, you talk recklessly, you say wild shit. He's like, yeah, I know how podcasts work. I have the number one podcast in the world. And I've never trashed anybody.

Oh. And he was like, and I was like, hey man, if it's any consolation, I was trashing fucking Will Arnett and Jason Bateman too, and he was like, throw my network. And I was like. Well dude, the thing is, you realize we talk so much.

Of course, and we record it all. And we're drunk. Yes. And we're drunk and we go, and I remember one time going on Rogan and I was like, yo, I'm not gonna trash anybody. I'm gonna celebrate everybody. Anytime a name comes up, I'm gonna say how much I love them.

And I did it. The next day, I never happened on Rogan before. I got like 10 texts from everyone like, dude, that was so cool of you. You're the best, man. Thank you so much, I love you to death. And I was like, I should stop trashing people. But it's so fun.

I know, and it's funnier. But both are fun. It's fun to put people over too. Yeah, Cosby, I love your later work. I love him. I think Epstein was really cool. Gene Simmons was the wildest one. What did he say about him?

So I met Gene Simmons like 22 years ago. He was a cunt. He was an absolute fucking cunt. I mean, like top to bottom, I was the biggest Kiss fan, dressed as Gene Simmons for Halloween, did my talent show dressed as Gene Simmons, and I've never been more let down a celebrity in my entire life. So I go on Rogan, I tell the whole story.

What a fucking dick. And I start saying, hashtag fuck Gene Simmons. I tell the whole story. Oh And I start saying hashtag fuck Dean Simmons Jesus fucking Simmons and so But I go but I go burn it to the ground I don't care right yeah, so I'm at the forum I'm at well you never think you can see Tommy show at the forum so we were all doing the forum that week like Netflix a joke we did Tom Brady Tommy So we were all doing the forum that week like Netflix the joke we did Tom Brady Tommy Schultz did one or Gillis. No, no, no, they did they did the Staples Center. Oh Jesus Christ fucking 42,000 or some shit Jesus. We were all doing the forum. Hey, by the way still a big lift, okay That's a great great Greek. I would fucking agree. We did it with you. Yeah. Oh, that's right

Yeah, that was a hell of a show. We open that that was fun. Did I bees um and I'm at Tommy show. I'm doing it Friday. Tommy's like Wednesday. Maybe I'm Saturday Tommy's Thursday, and I'm at the bar and at the club and Gene Simmons son comes up to me. Oh, he's like dude. I'm such a fan immediately. I'm like fuck Oh boy, I go I go. Oh, that's so cool, man I'm I'm a fan of his to because I've seen him on stuff and I watched their fan show Family Jewels And I found him and his sister very fucking funny and relatable, and I love their mom I love their mom and so I go cool And he goes I'd love to introduce you to my dad and I was like I'm gonna pass and he goes why I said

I you know man. I just I'm good. I'm good. And he goes, hold on, he treated you like shit? And I went, yeah. And he goes, what's the story? And I go, I'd rather not share. And he goes, hold on. And he goes, mom, come here. Brings his mom over. The hot blonde.

Yes, she's gorgeous. Shannon Tweed? That's it. Gorgeous. Yeah. She goes, my husband treated you like shit, I wanna hear the story. And so I tell them the story.

I tell them the full fucking story. And they're like, cool, we'll fix this. And they're like, dad, get over here. And he comes over and he goes, so nice to meet you, I'm Gene Simmons. And I go, yeah. And his son goes, dad, you treated him like an asshole like fucking 20 years ago, you need to apologize.

And he goes, damn. He goes, I'd like to hear the story. So I tell the story of Gene treating me like an asshole 22 years ago, you need to apologize. And he goes, I'd like to hear the story. So I tell the story of Gene treating me like an asshole 22 years ago, and he looks at me and he goes, I sincerely apologize. Hey! I'm not that person today, I have had missteps. Was he an alcoholic or something?

No, no, he just, it's like, he was famous when you couldn't be famous. Right. Like we're all famous now, and we're not, we shouldn't be famous. You we're all famous now and we're not we shouldn't be you are you are recognize walking on the street in New York's different no you get recognized walking down a street in Toledo yeah but no but you walk you get like I had a crazy one the bus driver pulled the bus over to say hi to me damn that was a

fucking wild one but the special just dropped it's always when New York's a weird place because they always, the first time I ever got recognized for anything was Secret Time and it was in New York. They all fucking check out Netflix. Yeah, they love, you know what? The working man. Like I'll get the garbage man going, comedy. That's a great feeling. Dude, I got the one guy smoking a joint in a in a nook like like one of those door nooks on the street Yeah, and he goes hey, and I was like yeah, he goes fuck you I said what he goes you have me crying in my van today, and I was like oh, and he's like fucking dogs Five foot six Puerto Rican 180 pounds only a New Yorker opens with fuck you yeah, and it's a good thing But it's a compliment. Yeah, yeah about this city damn. yeah, I get the cops every now and then to hey comedy comedy

They love they love Rogan. Can I tell you what's crazy? So I went to Paris I Understand is gonna sound a tad bit disconnected, but I don't care I went to Paris and I didn't get recognized. I got recognized like three times in Paris. Well, they're sophisticated over there I got recognized like three times in Paris. Well, they're sophisticated over there By the way, the shitting on people has worked it's gotten you to meet these people so maybe it's a move You get you got Dax in there. You got Gene Simmons shouldn't be the move Kevin Hart. I trashed Reese Witherspoon one time What do you say? All right, all right.

You haven't met her yet, though. No. No. Come on, Enriis. No. But the- Why'd I look? I was in-

I was- No, I just looked. Oh, no, we know, yeah. I was in Paris and I- It's crazy. I don't know if you guys- If this is- If you can do this yet,

but like, I can tell you someone's gonna recognize me before they recognize Yeah, you can see it. I can see like you're you're my guy. Yeah, you're my guy You don't know like if I saw him walking on the street. I was like, what's up, dude? Hey, you're like, oh shit. I can figure out my guys. Yeah fellow Chubster. Yeah weird. Yeah My guy right here flannel shirt. Oh, yeah fucking comfortable shoes plantar fasciitis Right here flannel shirt. Oh, yeah fucking comfortable shoes planner fasciitis So I was with a DJ I don't know if you know he is DJ Zed is his name and he's a very big DJ And I said we were at some tennis tournament last week

Hey cute kid you know all the songs every song he's ever done. Okay every song you've ever heard in your entire life. Yeah He said to me I'm Norman today. I, I can tell you who's gonna recognize me and he went, really? And I said, yeah, so watch this. And we were standing at the tennis court and this guy walks by, I go, right here, here we go. What's up? And he goes, oh shit, the machine!

And he goes, yeah, and I go, he goes, well I guess I can do the same thing. I go, really? And he goes, yeah, watch this. And I go, what? And he goes, Asian. Hey, and they go, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! So I'm in Paris and I'm seeing dudes who should be fans of mine.

Ohhhh. I'm seeing guys that I go, this table is gonna fucking lose their job. Yeah. I walk in. La machine! And they're not recognizing me. I wanted to go over and be like, you guys, I need to introduce you to something. Based on your clothing and your facial hair, you should be a big fan of this.

They want Gad Amelie or some shit over there. Gad Amelie? That's his name, right? He's like the big French guy. He's a big French comedian. Oh yeah. They call him the French Seinfeld. He comes by the cellar all the time.

Oh, he was the Seinfeld's boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's huge over there. He does like arenas and whatnot. But I don't know if they like American comedy. We're like, American, that's so over there. He does like arenas and whatnot, but I don't know if they like American comedy We were like American. I saw you know, that's so lowbrow They think we're then you see what the shit they laugh at and you're like, we're lowbrow. That's true You like fucking mimes. Yeah, good point

Like it's not like comedy I want to watch now I. I followed Boy with the tape on his face. Oh dude, he beat me on America's Got Talent. Oh tape face, he's good. He fucking rules. But that's like Chaplin-esque type shit. Yeah, he's good. That's incredible. And he's American.

British? No, he's definitely British. Okay. I was at the comedy store in London. He is incredibly talented. Yeah. I was like, I fucking smoked, I'm gonna fucking smoke this shit. No, I talked to him afterwards. He was like, great set, mate. Oh, really? Yeah, no, he was really

nice. I could get my wife to do that bit. Tape. It's called hostage tape. People are using that. It's going viral. What's that? I've never heard of this. Are you using that stuff? No, Rogan tried to turn me onto it. I'm like, I'm not gonna tape my mouth shut. Ever. What the hell's hostage tape? My thing is talking. Maybe if I tape, maybe if I use hostage tape on two bears, people would watch it more.

Ah, that's the original Ozepic. You can't eat. What is this? I guess it's supposed to help you sleep, right? So you breathe through your nose instead of your mouth. You tape your mouth shut, and then you breathe through your nose, you don't snore, and you sleep better.

So apparently, mouth breathing, you ever heard someone be called a mouth breather? Sure, sure. And they're like dumb? Yes. Well it's because you don't give enough oxygen to your brain so you actually are dumb. Interesting.

I am a hardcore mouth breather. I'm such a mouth breather, and this is why Joe and I started talking about this, was I had, I would swell my uvula because I breathed through my mouth so hard while I slept. So you know that little thing that dangles, your little goozle? Yeah, yeah.

In the back? In the back. Yeah, the hangy ball. The hangy ball, mine would swell up. Whoa. Because I breathed through my mouth so hard. So if I drank too much and passed out, I only through my mouth not through my nose and it would get so dry It would get swollen and then it would give me a panic attack

Sure, oh cuz you wake up Do you get like hangovers where you wake up and you're like fuck cuz you yeah, you seem like you weather the storm I drink so I drink Every night I drink minimum four Liquid deaths right before bed. Right before bed I drink liquid. Smart. That's the hangover, Steve.

Pete, how many did I have on the floor yesterday? Seven. Seven, I drink seven. Wow. I murder fucking water. That doesn't make you wake up to piss all night? No, I piss, I piss, yeah. Have you heard?

I piss and I go, I'm going back to bed because I'm hydrated and I'm healthy and I wake up, no fucking shaky hands. Come on. I've tried everything, nothing works for me. I woke up this fucking shaky come on. I do I've tried everything nothing works for me I woke I got I got so drunk last night. I had a Costa Rican chick take me to my room Mmm, and I had to tell her yo, I'm married. It's not happen She was just a good Samaritan

Room I was in I didn't know my room number. I didn't have a key She just carried me in my room wow and then I shot her down after all her good work. Yeah, sure. Let's do another round there Yeah, I'll do another round Wow, then but then I murdered water I woke up at 6 a.m. Went to the gym ran three miles did the Today Show liquid liquid liquid death has us talking like I murdered water It's so violent we drank. I OJ'd some water. Liquid death, the delivery system's brilliant. Yeah, and no one believed in it. They were like, can, a water, what is this?

And then it just took off. I did early. Have you tried the Topo Chico seltzer though? It's fucking unbelievable. Very good in the glass bottle. I don't know why it's so good. It's better in a cocktail. It's very nice in a cocktail.

No shit on liquid death, I love you guys. It's better in a cocktail. It's very nice in a cocktail. No shit on Liquid Death. I love you guys. Yeah. Are they a sponsor, Matt? Well then you're fine. We're not big enough. They like Theo, they got you. Yeah, hey, we'll take you to...

We had him for a minute, I think, didn't we? Collin, we'd love to have you. We had him. Reach out to Mike. Reach out to Dan. No, we like it, it's good. You know Dan is Collin's son. Oh, that's right.

Holy shit, from Omaha. Yeah, I love Colleen I would argue I would argue that I would argue that's maybe the best workout room in the country I just talked about Omaha funny bone. Well, I talked about this on the podcast today I would I bet I bet ten thousand dollars That Andrew Schultz and Shane Gillis have never done the Omaha funny bone. Oh, I've done it ten times. I've done it We know what they say about Omaha is when a fast food I've never done the Omaha funny bone. Really? I've done it 10 times. I've done it a lot. You know what they say about Omaha is when a fast food spot wants to try out a new item,

they go to Omaha first because it's such a good representation of America. It's America. Well then, why wouldn't the club be the best club for knowing what's gonna work in this country? Right. I mean, it's perfect. That room is, I've had some of my best sets.

It's magic in there. Because they're so open-minded. Yes. You can kind of go anywhere. I love Omaha. I did Razzle Dazzle in Omaha. And people were like, why'd you pick Omaha? I go, it's a great comedy town.

It is. I did My Specials, Philadelphia, Cleveland, Omaha, Tampa. I'm gonna do my next one in Tampa, I think. Tampa's killer. I love Tampa. You know, here's something no one in Tampa, I think. Tampa's killer. I love Tampa. You know, you can hear something no one in Tampa's ever said, you can't joke about that.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I offended one person there in my entire life, and I remember her face, because that's how rarely it happens. Would you make fun of Trump? No, what I did was I did that, remember that alligator joke about the baby getting eaten by the gator? A woman walked out of the fucking club,

took a picture of herself crying, and posted it on their Facebook page? It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. What was the joke, because I think I heard this. Now we have a very specific response to that gator attack. Everyone in Tampa does. Everyone in Florida does. Like, there's, and I think we'd be on your team. Yeah, is that

Yeah, you know one ever jumped into a lake and felt safe like there's fucking Reptiles in there that eat you yeah, take you to their lair wait your body decays and then finishes you yeah like and so like when It's so far. What was your joke? I said it was a baby getting eaten by the gator at Disney and I said, you know, I said I wanna come off like a gun nut but I think if that baby were armed he'd still be with us.

And then I said, watching the, this was like what set up the whole long bit. I said the mom came on, I said a woman got offended in the crowd so she was like, you can't joke about that. And it literally just happened so I was just rolling with her and I said, well did you even in the crowd, so she was like, you can't joke about that. And it literally just happened, so I was just rolling with her, and I said, well, did you even see the baby's funeral on TV, which obviously it wasn't, they don't tell us baby funerals, but she bit.

And she goes, I didn't, I said, well, if you did, you would have seen the mom through tears say, see you later, alligator. So I thought it was beautiful. And that fucking crush, and I was like, okay, that's the start of a bit, and it turned into an eight minute bit, because then she wrote an email being like fuck you

and I'm like okay I can read the email now. Oh. She helped you. She helped me, she gave me an eight minute bit. That's amazing. That's how it started but it went to like fucking a long bit but it was you know. That's a lesson.

It's a lesson like we were like oh shit like. Her crying. You getting mad just gave me material. Alligator tears. Leann got upset about something the other day. I can say it. What, a sex toy die? No, no.

I guess Ari's been going around saying that the- Oh, geez, fucking Ari. Dude. He never stops this guy. You get the good side of him. Yeah. Is that what we've been getting? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha been getting? What did he do?

I guess he's telling everyone that the drugging was a scripted bit we did. What? I don't know why he's doing it. It's like I don't really understand why he's doing it, but I don't really care. But I guess it got to Leanne and it really upset her. It really upset her. But it's not to Leanne and it really upset her. It really upset her. But it's not true, so why does it upset her?

That's what I said, I go, baby, it's not true. She goes, I know, but why would he, he apologized and we were good. Why would he just leave that be? Yeah. I go, baby, he's a comedian, everything's funny. He's looking for something to say on a podcast. I go, I don't know.

And it's so funny because it was like a weird learning moment for her. Right. And she goes, I'm gonna make a post podcast. I go, I don't know. And it's so funny because it was like a weird learning moment for her. Right. She goes, I'm going to make a post. And I went, stop right there. No, don't post. I go, baby, if you post, that'll make Ari laugh hard as fuck.

He wins. And he wins. And I go, your silence is golden. Like, your silence is so precious. To never say a word about something is so precious. Do you know how many times I wanted to send, I'll say this right now, I had a friend one time who I've always supported say something shitty about me.

And it hurt my feelings, really hurt my feelings. Because this guy sucks, he really sucks in life. And I've always been a fan of his. And I've never said a shitty word, when everyone trashes him, I've never said a shitty word. Is this about Ari too? No, I will. I've never said a shitty word about is this about re2. No And I texted Texted Tom and I said I was drunk. I was like, I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna text him

Yeah, I'm gonna put a post out Tom goes man Your silence is so precious. Yeah, don't say anything and then never said anything and now I just don't like the guy and I perfect I'd much rather not like someone and know you're a shitty person and I'll tell you exactly what it is in two seconds Oh, but yeah, and I go Dax Shepard Edit that out no kidding. Who was it? Yeah, yeah, what are we in a fucking wide shot this whole time? No well? Yeah, I'll tell you after this You know it's interesting because in that situation, but you're like do I if I care about the person?

I'll confront them I say that about the person so much well that wasn't a friend of this person It bothered me so much that they would take a shot at me, and I go I know who this is you do I know now I text you no. I just I put it together, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't don't respond to that. It's so bothered me I was like and then you go you know what your silence is perfect. Don't say anything Just let it go have you run into this person since now he's not doing stuff That's one of the beauties of this guy being oh wait. No, it's not who you think okay. I by the way Never mind that I not who you think. Oh, okay. By the way. Nevermind. That I know who you're thinking.

And that is so funny that I know who you're thinking because you said, no, he's not doing stuff. Well, you said he was a piece of shit or he's going nowhere. Well, now I know who you're thinking of. What are you talking about? This is quite a game of telephone here, of telepathic telephone.

This should be a game show. This should be a game.. This should be a game. I know what you're thinking, but not that guy. Yeah, no, I told Leanne, I said, your silence is the fucking only thing you have. Women love that, silence is golden. That's what every wife wants to hear. Please, quiet.

With the hostage tape over her mouth and then, yeah. But yeah, smart move, why keep it going? That's what Ari wants. I told her, I go, baby, he's a comedian. and then yeah. Yeah. But yeah, smart move. Why keep it going? That's what Ari wants. And uh. I told her, I go, he's, baby, he's a comedian. Yeah. I go, like most of us are like,

are like 60, 70% comedian, then like 30% human. I go, Ari's 95% comedian, 5% human. You said it once, he might be the most purest comedian just in life. Well, there's definitely anarchists in there, too Yeah, that's part of it because I love Ari, but the Kobe shit was not really a joke That was him just like being like hey fuck everybody like he likes to just he likes to just have like find like a house doused In gasoline just throw a match on it right. He's a troll. He's a troll before trolls

By the way, I've never buddy's an actual funny dude. Yeah, I would love to be a troll. He's a troll. Before trolls, by the way I've never been. But he's an actual funny dude. I would love to be a troll. No you wouldn't. For a week, just to see how it feels. Can you imagine? It wouldn't feel good. Can you imagine? I mean, look.

You gotta deal with a lot of hate, and that's not easy. But Bert, the reason you're not a troll is because you're having fun and you're positive. I mean, like, you don't get to do. There you go. He came to my wedding and I was nervous the whole time. He was gonna, like like lights up on fire I got fucking lit up with him the night before

I still remember the night me, Stav and Ari just ended up at a gas station eating fried chicken Yeah, and and I've told this story before but you know Ari and I just fucking Hammered and just being like can't imagine eating this shit sober and Stav goes I'm sober But he's also hilarious and he does good stuff. He's like Robin Hood. You know how he got kids paid at a Montreal. He's a complicated man. He's nuanced. It's like, I told Leann when Leann and my girls

did not want me to be friends with him again. The girls still don't want me to be friends with him. And I said, he's like chemotherapy. Oh, that's good. I do need him. I spent all last night with him. We had a great time. He's a good, fun, good time.

We had a great talk. We just talked about comedy. We just talked about life and comedy and podcasting. And it was a very important conversation in my life. But the tax I pay is that he may drug me. That's not so bad. Last night he tried to defend me, he goes, do you know why I drugged you?

And I was like, yeah, I do know why. I don't think you know why. What did he say? He was like, cause you said you'd done cocaine, so I know you'd be cool with it. And I was like, that's not why you drugged me, Ari. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. Also.

He's a lunatic. Oh, it has the opposite effect. It was Molly. I was there that night, you were having a great time. I was. Yeah. Listen, I can't own that now, cause it's like, it's crazy to like,

it's crazy to, cause it, it, green lights up for kids. That's the only thing like, look, I'm a dad first, right? I'm a dad, I really am a dad. And so like, I don't ever want some kid that is a fan of this to go, dude, Molly, my boys, it's the funniest fucking thing ever. And you're like, no, they may also die

and you may also rot in a fucking jail cell. Like, don't do it. Like, it was a dumb thing you should have done. Say to your friend, would you like Molly? And then your friend may say yes, and then have a great time. Right. It's so easy to do. But if we were in a jail cell and this was like a jail movie Ari would definitely like help lead the escape. That's true. He would definitely

be one of the people who started like digging the hole. Right, right. You know? You don't think so? He'd be the first guy shot by the tower. So you said you know you think you know why he did that? Why do you think he did that? I know why you know why you're not gonna share you want to fuck with you All right Hang on it's we're forgetting this that we sometimes I think people think this happened in a fishbowl But it didn't it happened in my life, and and I have very important people in that We're doing sub October. I mean the thing that, you know, it's so funny. You know, I love Ari, I love Ari to death.

We all do. But he sat on two bears, he goes, the reason we don't do Sober October anymore is that you make everything about yourself. And I went, I didn't say anything then, but the truth is that he mollied me, and we didn't talk in our chat thread the whole month. No one talked Sober October.

No one talked. No one talked. Ari drugged all of them, it was it was because it was such a real event that the the chat thread went silent for the whole month and the funnest part of So bricked over was the chat thread is that was totally it is the texting of like what calories you got bitch And then I go I just taunt Rogan I go I fucking own your shit. And we go back and forth and it was so fucking fun,

but that month we didn't do it. And then we never did Sober October again. And that's why Sober October died, is that because of that. But in that moment I definitely talked every day to fucking Joe and Tom about what I was going through. And Whitney, I talked to Whitney, I was in therapy at the time.

It was so confusing Because it was such a fucked up moment But I also wanted to forgive him I had to forgive him because I couldn't I was in Connecticut going to we have such a weird profession Understand it yeah, you know do you know people like And this bums me out like it I'll tell you right now if you're watching this If you talk shit about Tommy if you talk shit this, if you talk shit about Tommy, if you talk shit about Joe,

if you talk shit about Sam or Mark, talk shit about Shane, talk shit about Stobby, you talk shit about Ari, I'm not your boy, okay? Don't tag me in that post. I don't wanna know about your shit. I'm a ride or die for my guys, like the guys I love. Nikki Glaser, Wendy Cummings, like I'm, don't talk shit. I'm not a fan of that shit.

Me neither. And so people were trashing Ari, and I was like, I know him and I love him. He's my brother. I gotta figure out a way to forgive him. If you look at his career, it makes you feel better. No. Just fuck with Ari.

But it's like, dude, I can't just be some guy that just never forgives him and then. No, you don't want to be the bitter guy. Yeah, and so I was in Connecticut, I was pulling into a plan of fitness and he called me every day. He called me every day like two or three times. Because he feels bad. He does have feelings. He's a regular, He is a human. Yeah, and I I answered it and he was like, hey, did I fuck things up forever? Oh

I was like no, that's the funny thing about and he'll do something terrible and then and then he's like you're like, oh Ari I know there's something kind of adorable at the way like he did it I remember he did it to Ricky Velez one night at the cellar where I remember he did it to Ricky Velez one night at the cellar where Ricky's counting money and Ari just smacks it out of his hands. Money went everywhere. Money went everywhere and Ricky was so fucking mad. He was like, what the fuck?

And Ari immediately was like, I'm sorry. And he helps him pick the money up. It was like, it's funny to see from A to B. What you forget is Ari would come to my house and all the time, all the time, and bring his bag and do laundry and hang out with my kids. My kids loved him. Yeah.

Like there was so much. But they haven't forgiven him yet. I will never, I will never. I will say to me, he tried to kill my dad. Ah, geez. And you're like, don't say it like that. And then I was like, yo, someone drugs me in college and you see me text them.

Are you cool with that? And I go, yeah, I guess you're right. Interesting. Yeah. Yikes. Well, some people like Molly. Like some people out there would be like, you gave me Molly, this is great.

Yeah, but not against their will. Yeah. You don't wanna be drugged. I don't know if it was against their will, I think it was more of a surprise. Right? No, it's drugging someone someone. I guess you're right Okay, hey we're not done are we yeah, no no Cosby didn't roofie someone who was a surprise

After the rape gotcha I'm glad people like rupees and to be fingered. After the rape, gotcha. Hey, hey, hey. Surprise party. No, I love Ari, I love Ari to death. And I'm a ride or die for that motherfucker. And so even when the Kobe shit happened, I was like, I was like, yo,

I didn't stand up from the way I should've, I think. You did. I did, yeah, cause you know, it's words. We're doing jokes, we're comments, same with Gillis. I stood up for Gillis too, it's a joke. I don't like how political every standup has become. I agree. I think it's, once you become predictable with your views,

you become predictable with your punch lines as well. And I would argue the exact same for the exact opposite. There was a guy, I don't know his name, and I'm not trying to trash him at all, but he did a Choose Your Own Adventure stand-up special. And where you could- Oh, I know this guy. Danny Jollis, he's excellent.

He's a great cop. Funny guy. But what's crazy about that special is it's brilliant joke writing. Yes. However, when you feel like he doesn't mean it, it took the teeth out of it and it was like, oh, just a joke. Okay.

It's almost weird when you like... But I like that he tried something different. I liked, oh yeah, I love that. I love that. That's why I watch it special. He's innovative. I think he's very funny. I think so too.

He's a great actor too. He's on the last season of the TV show Ted, which if you haven't seen is a great fucking show. It's on peacock. It's fun. Oh Larry. Look a minute It's it's just like bam bam. I like sure that goes oh Talk shit thing with a Ted lasso fuck that guy. I'm talking about A bit he's gonna you're gonna do it today. Just come on out here. Come on. Yeah, I do I do actually you know what fuck Jason's today kiss there you go it today. Yes. Come on out here. Come on. Yeah, I do. I do actually you know what fuck Jason Sudeikis Yeah, you know hang on hang on. I'm your wife. You know what? Do one thing and

Be done. I'm done with you being a great singer a great fucking musician. This is a great actor Yeah, the truth though. Yeah, like go suck a dick like I only can do comedy. I can't act How do you know you little go up? You pull up a fucking video of Jason Sudeikis. Have you ever seen him sing? No. No, are you being fucking serious? No Internets down fuck it's down. Oh cool Dekes is talented for sure that cash was fucking field. You know what fuck all those guys Can I tell you? It's like Jason Sudeikis.

He can hoop too. He's like a- Really? Yeah, it's so annoying. He's got like a pretty sweet jump shot. Wow, he's good looking. He's got it all. And he's from Kansas City. Middle of America.

It's like, oh, you and Paul Rudd, you fucking assholes. And Jon Hamm. Dude, they're all from Kansas City. So they get this like regular guy appeal. Right. Like, I grew up a regular guy. I got a huge dick. I'm gonna get slammed for being a nepo baby.

Right. And then I'm talented in everything I do. If I fucking wanna act, I'm amazing. Bon Bon, I bet they can do stand up. And then they do that fucking big Kansas City festival. I heard he can do stand up. Yeah. Come on. Yeah.

Ah. I think he used to do some warmup stuff for SNL and they were like killing time and I've heard he's good it's like Donald Glover Donald Glover can do everything you're like what are you doing? God damn it cool guys too good at everything shut the fuck up stop he can rap he can do stand-up I'll say like Atlanta was fucking awesome Atlanta's great I think the country of Atlanta on YouTube and I go, I missed out. This fucked Donald Glover. His fucking rap video was so goddamn good. I know.

I can't do anything. These fucking guys suck dick. I'm so angry. You can take his shirt off with the best of them. Shut up, Mark. With the hat coming off, it's very impressive. Don't remember, Mark. I used to be more famous than you.

You're doing very well. Mark, I mean, don't you like look at Donald Glover. He was an open micer with you guys. Yeah, I hung out with him. He's a great guy too. He's nice as hell. He's a hell of a drinker. Yeah, I watched a 30 Rock episode randomly on a plane.

I was like, this is a funny episode. At the end it said written by Donald Glover. I said, God damn it, what can't this black do? I heard he roofies girls with ayahuasca But it's like it's like okay, I get it. It's like Malini. He's talented as hell done with Malini Like it's like I go he's such a nice guy to great Looking sweet guy. Yeah, else is your last name right? I mean fuck John Malik. He's got it all. He had a failed sitcom. Okay, all right. That humbled him a little bit. I think it did. Not like you know, I mean like it made him almost, it made him human is what I mean. Yeah, well so did the cocaine. As we are, I would say the three of us who just are

just comic podcasters, right? Yeah, I would like to write, well, we wrote a fucking movie too. That's true. We wrote a movie. I mean, I think, I think. That's true, good point. But I'm definitely not a podcaster. I do a pile with Mark, but I'm not, I'm a, yeah, I think we're just comics, dude. Yeah, I'm a comic all day, a road comic.

I'm a comic. We've been to fucking Omaha a hundred times between the three of us. We are road comics. I would never, if someone was like, what do you do? I would never say I'm a pod, I would say I'm a comic. Of course. Okay, can I say this casually?

And by the way, I'm being too honest. I'm way too honest. I love it. I'm a little buzzed. I love that. Did you drink at Keen's too? I did. I love that you went to Keen's for lunch.

I love that, it means a lot when someone's like, where do I go to lunch? And I tell them where to go and they go there. It was great. Because not everyone takes a rec. Special place. It means a lot when someone takes like where do I go to lunch and I tell them where to go and they go there It was great cuz not everyone takes a wreck special it means a lot when someone takes a wreck, dude I it was how many keys there Keynes is oh, they got all the pipes there dude everybody Yeah, that's one of the iconic steakhouse. Yeah, is there a part of you as a comic? that Resents the darlings

Hello, there's a couple plants out there. Yeah. I don't know what that means, plants. Like you call them industry plants. Yeah. Like they were made by the industry. Is that a real thing? I mean to a degree it is.

Well, Cat Williams listed 18 of them on his Shae Shae party. We all kind of made our own careers on the internet and stuff like that, so yeah, when you see people that like the industry just kind of is like, there's a party that's like, huh, but if they're really good, we don't resent them. If they're really good. Yeah. Yeah. Plan's like the old school like Maxim 10 comics to watch.

All that shit. All that. They keep getting everything. How'd they get that? And that? And then you see them again you're like They bombed another thing. Yes Yes, but then you got a guy like Nate who just worked it worked it worked it funny wrote another hour or another hour and now

He's doing arenas. Well, you know what? I'll put it this way There's people who rise like maybe they were chosen but then they rose to the occasion and they are undeniable and How could you have a problem with that? They're funny. Yeah. Like as you said, luck is involved. Luck's involved. Luck's solely involved. However-

We had luck. We all had a tremendous amount of luck. My luck with you- But we backed it up. Is we met- At Hartford. At Hartford. I had a great weekend with you.

I remember that weekend. I remember watching a Knicks game with you at Hooters. And it meant a lot that you were like in the game with me I we were it was right when the Knicks got JR Smith and I was really excited and and Bert and I were getting getting beers at lunch and Have that photo in your phone somewhere. I have a somewhere yeah, we're shirtless and we're both bombed and Yeah, man, no, I had so much fun.

I had heard you were awesome from Nicky because Nicky dropped out of that weekend, that's how I got it. Oh! The luck is involved is like Portland, Oregon, Amy Schumer stops by my show and. I was opening. We go to a strip club, me and Amy, I'm just with Amy,

I don't realize who's around me. We go back to my room and I meet Mark Norman. Mark Norman was with Open for Amy and I go to a strip club, me and Amy, I'm just with Amy. I don't realize who's around me. We go back to my room and I meet Mark Norman. Mark Norman was with Open for Amy and I go, I mean think about luck, you wanna talk about luck. It's like, how crazy is it? I met you guys when you guys were like. Features. Feature acts.

Yeah, but the key is just keep doing shit and do everything. Go everywhere, meet everybody, do every gig. That was the key, because some people are so selective and weird. If you just get yourself out there, the luck is you have a better chance of something happening. Well, Menala went a headliner was like complimentary to you

because I remember I was middling a lot and Bert was like, you're going to be a really young headliner. He was like really encouraging to me. And that goes a long way. But when your mom is telling you like, what are you doing with your life? When your mom is like, you're making a wrong decision with your life.

Both of you guys kind of blew me away. But both of you guys also, let's be really candid. Start here. Okay. As Hasan Minhaj introduced me. No, no, no, no, I'll say the name, I'll say the name. Remembering his name is what I feel bad about. Oh. Hey, keep it in, I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. You remember, you know who you're talking about. Hasan Minhaj told me, we were at the Brady roast and he goes, you look uncomfortable in a tuxedo. And I said I am very uncomfortable. I perform shirtless and he goes, and he looks at me and he kind of does one of these like, he goes, this is my fastball. And I've said that so many times.

It's such a fucking cheesy statement that I can't stop using, but you guys are my fastball. Like guys that party, guys that like to have a good time, and great comics, great comics. And so I met you guys both and you guys are my fastballs. Like I fucking love this shit. My favorite memories of touring for real out of anything, and I just did this on some podcasts,

I don't remember what, but when I took Mark to Europe. Oh, we barely knew each other. I can't believe you took me to Europe. You didn't know me, I could have been a weirdo. You just said, fuck it, let's go. And I mean. I was very excited about that. You came back at shell.

I was ruined. I mean, we did every night drinking hard. He saw my weakness. Well, you saw. Oh, the flights. We almost did that joke show, me and Norman. That was when you saw me and Mark would like just bounce bits all day.

And we almost did that joke show. That's right. That part was gonna produce, but that fell apart for me. We don't need to go into, but. You yacking in the airport. Or almost yacking, dry heaving. Hang on, there's a moment. Like only friends share.

Right? Where you say like, so I'll tell you the one I have with Tommy is we got stem cells with Joe and I just had surgery on my elbow. Can you explain what that means to like the layman? Cause I don't know what that means. Okay. I know sickle cell.

I don't know, what's STEM? I know what they are and he mentioned it to me once when I was down there he was like, we gotta get you some STEM cells for your neck. And I was like, right on. I was like, I don't know what I just agreed to. It's something good. It helps you I think, but I don't know what it is exactly.

It's Mollie. STEM cells. Adrenochrome? I don't know. Anyway is exactly Molly Cells a dream chrome. I don't know. Okay, wait Joe and Tommy organized stem cells and they're like, you know, you're in and I was like, yeah, I don't want to do it I tell Tom I don't do it. I'm out and he goes hey stop It's already paid for I go. It's not money. I don't give a fuck. I don't I'm like, I don't know what it is I don't know the fuck we're doing. He's like, you're gonna be fine. So we go get stem cells and

Tom and I are driving back to To do a podcast and we're in Tom's car, which is a porous We're very close to each other and I reach back and I feel my elbow and I feel a lump where the stem cells went in It's like a swelling and I feel it and I kind of start having a panic attack And Tommy very gently puts his hand behind my arm and he rubs the stem cells. He goes you're okay That's kind of knows me right that's a friend Mark Norman What and I were in a bar in London at the airport was it London? I might have been Copenhagen I'm in Copenhagen right at the airport

He know he's now learned. I don't like flying I'm in Copenhagen, we're at the airport. He's now learned I don't like flying. Yeah. And we're with a fan who won't stop talking and I'm ordering us beers at an aggressive pace and Mark's got like three backed up and I'm on mine and then Mark goes, we're boarding and I kill my beer. I remember this so vividly, I kill my beer

and I start to throw up in my mouth. I started to like, I've had too much I'm like and he's a public figure. This is not a good look Like in his eyes he's like don't do it don't do it don't do it and I fucking Swallowed I didn't kept it in I didn't throw up. I didn't throw up I wasn't throwing up in my mouth, but I didn't throw up and I went Do you have a toothpick? I'll get you one.

Yeah, yeah. He got me a toothpick and he goes, we're good. I was like, let's go. And we walked away. But those little moments that you have with a friend where you show your vulnerability 100%, I remember that so vividly. Mark and I, obviously we go back a ways,

but I remember Orlando Airport. Oh yeah. We opened for Schumer at some big university. We got fucking wasted, Mark and I. We were just bombed. We were like the liabilities on that tour. But we were just getting fucking bombed, and the next morning.

It's like a 7 a.m. flight. The next morning, I'm just puking my guts out in the Orlando Airport, which is one of the worst airports already. And Mark just... Bunch of kids around with Mickey Mouse hats. I'm puking. And Mark, I look up and Mark reaches over the stall and it's a ginger ale and I was like, that's my guy. Oh!

Well, I understand drunks. You know, I grew up in New Orleans, I started drinking at 13. I get it. So there's no judgement. And we've seen each other bomb so many times Oh, yeah, but it was just like I was like, ah, it's a good friend right there He just saw me puking my guts and it was fine Like, you know, we flown like that before like when you're young comic and you're puking It's better than puking in a Greyhound like which I've done many times I puked in those bathrooms to move and shake and you're holding on the side throwing up is crazy I was a grand marshal for Gasparilla.

Oh really? I thought you were gonna say the Ku Klux Klan. That's Grand Wizard. Oh, great. I did that one. That's much more respectable. The uh. Three sheets to the wind, you know what I mean.

And I, and I, I got, I know I'm gonna be made fun of for this, but I got what they call gunpow gonna be made fun of for this, I got what they call gum powder poisoning. What, what's that? I don't, your internet's down, don't Google it. I was on a boat where they were shooting a lot of guns. And then I got covered in gum powder. There's a thing called gum powder poisoning where you are allergic to gum powder

and if you get covered in it, like I was, you get sick. And I started throwing up on the parade route. Oh. Over the side of the, no one, thank God, got a video. Thank, how did that happen? Dude, it was, I was like overheated, it was so hot, I was in a pirate costume, covered in gunpowder, I was drinking, it was such a fucking nightmare.

If, I'll tell you what, at this point, there's two things I'd like to see. One was me throwing up in Spokane, Washington. I threw up outside of my tour bus, like aggressively, in underwear. Anyone's got that? Oh man. Yeah, but you blend in in that city,

everyone's a fucking mess. They're walking around on drugs. Spokane is rough. Fucking. Everyone's walking around like a zombie in that city. Yeah a fucking mess walking around on drugs. Spokane is rough. Fucking. Everyone's walking around like a zombie in that city. Yeah. Oh my god. Dude, we.

Great crowds though. Yeah. The stage fell. The stage fell. Oh shit. And so they canceled the show. So I was like, yo, day drinking, let's go. There it is.

And Manzie was with us back in the day. Oh yeah. And we just went hard as fuck all day. Ended the night, I ended the night at a steakhouse Martinis two bottles of wine and the last two drinks I had were Irish car bombs damn Fucking bitch. That's gross anything more fun than just like martinis at a steakhouse It's it's just like the best like it's the embodiment of fun. Yes, like we're gonna get fucked up You feel like an American on yeah, you feel like you're in Mad Men

Yeah, Roger sterling would be drinking. Oh, yeah, I'm going to a podcast. I'm going I'm going to dinner with Tom tonight at 7 where you guys going Are we going? Oh, dude, that's a great. You can drink bodega cat there, dude. They got our picture on the wall there You're going to East Village or Times Square Go to the village one. I was way better. I better dude our boy Brennan. That's that carry you dude, okay? So you're double staking gotta get the tomahawk. Yeah, Tomahawks phenomenal there the lobster mac fucking osempic tommy Only orders like seltzer water. Yeah, I was like buddy. We got to get fucking lit. He's like I'm doing Madison Square Garden

No, is it shit? I even know that well, dude, uh, I will say strip house is like One of my favorite spots. It's a great spot. We went there for his birthday. We fucking I love that place is like It's legendary. They got the bodega cat behind the bar. I've got a danger field head shot up. It's fucking iconic It's been there. It's been there forever He just shoots us in the head Put Tommy on your oh Career dead is that the problem is the dead wall?

Say anything to him Yeah, put him on the dead wall. Oh, I don't say anything to him Comes in this week. Don't say is he coming on a pod that was Zembeck's gonna kill him. Yeah, he's gonna OD on that shit This is a fatter Tommy than the one I than I when I know now I I liked I liked That Tom with the black shirt with the bad hair. Oh, man. That was good time You just he looked like a wing eating contest winner. You know he was, I'm not even fucking around. He traveled with hot sauce. Get out of here.

I swear to God. He's like Hillary Clinton. Yeah. He had hot sauce always in his car at all times. What hot sauce? Wow. I did his Cholula and he walked in and he walked with it. That is a good one.

And he put it on whatever he had. That's a fat guy move. I watched himolula and he walked in and he went in with it. That is a good one. And he put it on whatever he had. That's a fat guy move. I watched him get rich. It was a weird feeling. You watched each other. He really, he really like. You watched each other, right? I mean, shit.

No, no, no, he got rich before I did. Way before I did. Way before I did. The poor's feel like he left them. No, god damn it. Like that's the most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life is like, yo, he was poor. Yeah.

But he busted his ass and he's doing crazy great stuff. And he's a great dude. And he's a great dude. And he's doing great content. Great comic. His specials are fucking awesome. Listen, he has changed, yes. But by the way, by the way, by the way,

I'm gonna tell you something secret. He didn't like who he was. Sure. He didn't like, he didn't love being fat as fucking shit. Dude, if you pull up me shaving his tits, he is so fat, it is aggressive. No one wants to be that guy. Yeah, I think Margaret's making a joke.

We love, I love Tom. It's so funny, but yeah, he got rich I Remember, I remember the statement. He said to me when I knew Money had changed and he was like He's like yo Do I had the wildest fucking conversation with Christina last night? I said what's that and he goes, you know, we we have like only have a couple chargers So we plug them into the wall, but they're across the room

So we have to plug the charger in and then plug our phone and then put our phone on top of the charger To charge it at night and then Christina said yo, we have money. We can have a chargers by our bed Damn Oh, he's changed That is a status move though to have like, to not have to pull the charger out and move it over. You just have it in another outlet. That is a power.

And I went, whoa, and I thought to myself, I'm not there yet. It wasn't like, it wasn't watches, it wasn't cars. It was that moment. And we went to that house. For me it was sandwich punch cards. I stopped paying as much attention to those. I still got mine.

Yeah. You ready for me? I have a bagel punch card, but I don't have the sandwich punch card anymore. You gotta stay with the tribe. I have the bagel one. Yeah, for me it was the hotel breakfast. Cause I would get up every day on the road

to get the breakfast. It was free breakfast. Yeah, yeah, same. You go out all night, but you're like, I still gotta get the breakfast. I like the best western. Yes. They had a good breakfast waffle maker get out of here a lobby waffle I love with a lobby waffle I still do the breakfast every

now and then but I have like openers like what are you doing let's just go to a diner you know the best thing is you book hotels with that AMX travel shoot you get the free breakfast at those places oh yeah of that shit and the lounge mine was airline miles. You, dude, Bert was. Just stop caring. You know what's fun, no, no. I love airline miles.

No, but Bert, like. And that's when you know you're rich. But Bert was telling us when we started to really headline, Bert would be the one who'd be like, you're gonna start to really care, you're gonna be obsessed with your ticket count. Yeah. You're gonna be obsessed. That's true.

With airline points. That's true. And everything Bert said to us was a reality. We were like, oh shit, I need airline points, I need this, you know? I was obsessed with American Airlines. Like I was. That's the one you picked?

Because it's the worst fucking airline. Out of LA, it's good out of LA. Is that right? Dallas is a big hub, I was doing a lot of Texas dates, and Dallas was a quick jump. So like, and I wasn't united, it wasn't continental disappeared, wasn't Delta, you had to fly to Atlanta. So like, and I wasn't United, it wasn't Continental disappeared, wasn't Delta, you had to fly to Atlanta.

So it was American. I was obsessed with American. I was obsessed with American. You have no idea. The lounge isn't great. What? The lounge isn't even that great. The lounge is amazing.

They got weird food. I would say America, and American at best is third or fourth. Maybe third or fourth. Oh wow, wow, wow. Delta United American. I don't want American. I want you to hear I was about to trash you, and now I'm maybe third or fourth. Delta United American. I don't want American. I want you to hear I was about to trash you and now I'm your ride or die. All right, break it on because

Delta United and JetBlue are undeniably better airlines. JetBlue, they have no lounge. All right, fine. Take JetBlue out. No lounge. You fly Mint, you either get the choice of flying next to a man in first class or by yourself and you don't get to pick. Fuck that, that's bullshit. Okay, fine, so Delta and United undeniably. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna shit on Delta. Okay. Oh, Blaze.

Delta is like the Ikea of flying. They've made every chair ergonomic and not comfortable. By the way, ergonomic's a good thing to talk about. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh yeah. Like, goddamn couch here. Like, it's like, this is Delta First Class.

Yeah, but you know what? But this couch here keeps you engaged. For a pod, it's pretty good. It's a church pew. But for a fucking six hour flight to Atlanta. No, I'll give you that. So, American is number one. Now, it also has a thing called,

and I know that I'm in trouble for saying this, American, a thing called Concierge Key. You familiar with that? No. No. So, Cosy Air's key. What was the 9-11 flight? United, United, keep going. Oh, fuck, I didn't know that.

Don't bring that up. Well, I just see what it was. Yeah, but the seats were nice, that's not their fault. That's true, all right. I'm just curious. There's not a lot you can do in that situation. I'm trying to take American down. All right, keep going. Keep your plea.

You know the terrorists are like, which one should we pick? Exactly. Hang on, Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. I'm trying to win the argument. I'm having a real moment. What was the 9-11 flight? And he goes, yeah, but the seats were nice. That was the funniest thing I've ever fucked.

It went out in style. Yeah. Yeah, the seats were nice. You know what sucks about that? The seats were nice. You know what sucks about it? You booked the first last ticket on that flight and then you're just like, oh, the chicken.

And you're expecting a good flight. Right, right. You got a couple of drinks in you. Then it's like, oh, fuck me. I should have the pork pork fuck you to them So American has a thing called cause here's the terrorist come on make it a double yeah, right Is an invitation only? Hammered there's too many fucking fucking jokes This is too fucking joke heavy

Well the Pentagon's that's the rule of threes Five drinks is our limit. All right two more American Airlines Pitch your case here. No American Airlines has concierge key What's your case here? No, American Airlines has a concierge key. Invitation only. What is that?

Invitation only, and you get a separate entrance into the airport. Wow. How do you get invited? Do you have to be a big dog? You gotta fly a lot. Pippin' on a podcast. No, no, no, actually this will.

Mark, yeah, please. Yeah, let's do it. Oh yeah, I'll take one too. You gotta be invited, and this will get me uninvited So I'm gonna cause here to keep currently and they will now rescind my invitation because I'm talking about it But I don't really give a fuck settle. Is it like Raya but for the sky? Sky, uh, sky, uh, but you do private now. I thought I've done private but I don't do private Oh really have a fear of flying so like how bad do you drug yourself on every flight Ari jumps in?

I thought you were doing private for LA to Austin LA to Austin cuz you're like the last guy in LA you and Santino And Bobby and Tim no, I'm never gonna lie and and and manipulate my fans and tell them I'm something I'm not so like I'll tell you if I fly private I feel in private a lot but I don't I don't enjoy it because it's their smaller planes those true Ford people tell you right now and you know Pete very well I I Pete should be drinking as well this isn't fair I I the smaller planes give me a horrific anxiety and I'm a mess yeah how many times have you seen me cry on a plane you cry buddy that's fucking horrible every private I cry on private it's insane to get to the

level you fly private and you don't even enjoy it I hate it yeah well they're shaking my private I don't buy private because I want to yeah if I broke so I have to like it's like you know we got a thing and we have to do we have to get you there and I'm like okay but I don't want to fly private and they're like and then I'm also kind of cheap so like if they go well we have one for fifteen thousand dollars or one for $35,000, I go, do 15 and I'll just cry and drink. It sucks, man, it sucks.

This one's flown by Hezbollah Air. We're having, tomorrow is American Airlines, right? 760, is it Delta? Oh, you've been shitting on them, ergonomic. Dude, can you do a splash cranberry mine? I Did like a bigger plane and a more steady flight? Yeah, and so yeah, but I Know I'm with you. I like a big plane too It doesn't make total sense cuz like but like bigger you just feel way safer the shaking is fucking brutal Dude, have you ever flown private out of Las Vegas? I have no I haven't I've flown private very rarely

It's been on other people's dime, obviously, but uh. I did it with Louis once and he flipped. It's weird to see Louis, like your hero, was like, oh god, ah, cause it was like, dipping like this. It sucks, it sucks. I mean, I know that everyone thinks it's deflects if you post your flying private.

Right. First of all, if I post my flying private, I'm just doing it cause I'm a regular person, and that's what regular people do if they fly private. Sure, sure. This right, but also it sucks so bad. I fucking hate it. I hate it I would much rather fly a 767 787 or 777 and be comfortable as fuck Yeah, big sleeper bed with tons of people tons of souls on the plane souls. They call them. I like that Yeah, yeah, no, I'm with you. It is something nice about just being taken care of you get in that first class

They throw a fucking a blanket on you. You switched up on me. Look at you I've had too much grapefruit my liver's hurting, but yeah No, okay, try to make you feel better Oh, no, your liver's fucked up. I'm kidding your liver's feel better. Oh no. Your liver's fucked up? No, I'm kidding. Your liver's like, we're right at home. I got blood work.

I got blood work. Your liver must be ripped. Your liver's like... We have the same liver. I love when people are like... I'll tell you right now. Go to Ways to Well. Who?

Ways to Well. What's that now? Ways to Well. Ways to Well. Bring him back. Bring him back. Bring him back. Bring him back. Bring him back. Bring him back. Bring him back. Bring him back. I'll tell you right now go to go to waste well who waste well what's that now

waste well waste to well do I get my blood was that me every six months you good my fucking shits clean come on Pete yeah last one Denise said my liver has never been healthier is it the exercising the water the pills? So the way the Bron looks at his body. I look at my boss, right? I've always said you guys Look right LeBron has five drinks on a podcast drinks on a podcast. That's my favorite Sam laugh.

I do all the shit he does, but I do it for my liver. So I get, I get two IVs a week. I don't know if this is the best podcast ever recorded or I'm hammered. This is amazing. We've gone past drunk. You're like, Bert comparing his health to LeBron James is the best moment we've had. The way LeBron looks at his body, the greatest athletes ever live. Your liver's the color of LeBron. I'll give you that. But I don't know about we're doing the same health Liver, please

Can we do a patreon call we might be hammered Boy I wish I wish I wasn't a joke like me When I was a kid I realized the funniest I was when I was I wasn't trying to be funny and that's that's the purest Comic you get is like when you're not trying to be funny and people laugh and you're like, I don't know why they're laughing Right and I swear to god because you can't turn it off because you go I go I dated a chick one time Erica Youngblood who was oh, wow funny and she never was trying to be funny And I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like,

I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like,

I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like,

I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God, I'm like, I swear to God and I was like, I literally, I wish I didn't say that. I was like, that's me. I'm gonna start doing all this shit. You work out like crazy though.

Yeah, your arms are huge. I have a personal trainer, shows up. You have a personal trainer. Is that right? Yeah, we can say that now, right? I've had two of his personal trainers. Two? Two of them, yeah, two of them.

Oh boy. The one I have now is fucking gangster. And I know those were awesome personal trainers. The black guy on the tour? No. You had him. Yeah. I had him too, I met him.

I had another one too. From Boston, right? I met a bunch, a Navy SEAL guy. He was awesome. Yeah, and I. Dude, we're doing like, we're like working out by day. It was incredible. But I saw. Dude, we're like working out by day. It was incredible. But I saw an eye, cold plunge, I get IVs twice a week.

I'm doing the whole regiment. I'm at Ways to Well, and shout out to Brigham and Denise over at Ways to Well, this Rogan's people. Oh, Denise! She's hot. And she's amazing, but Denise and I had a meeting, you know a couple months ago She was like you've had the best numbers you've ever had and I honestly I gotta be honest with you. There's You can get in front of the shit that's gonna be bad like you just I'm on testosterone

I'm on metformin. I got blood pressure medicine. I got cholesterol medicine. I got Freaking and not hazelnut, but like some shit. Like I take so much shit. You're throwing out words now? Did you tell him? I take so much shit, but I take it every morning, I take it every night. Yeah.

And my bachelor party. That was a lot of pills on your nightstand. Yes, yes, I'm a hog. So you're on it, you're ahead of it. Dude, I love, but dude, Ari and I were talking about your bachelor party last night. Oh, that was a wild time. I'm fucking bummed that I missed that shit.

That was a great house, well, except for the big fight. But other than that, that was a hell of a time. You guys are good. Yeah, yeah. I hate that it goes out there that people think I don't like Joe. Nah. It bothers me because I go.

No, you love him, you love him. I just hung out with him. Yeah. Like, it bums me out that fans You love them. I just hung out with them. Yeah. It bums me out that fans would polarize. I don't polarize. That's what they do.

That's what they do. They like it. They like the shit. They like the drama. It makes their lives feel important or interesting. I don't know. That's crazy. It's crazy.

Are you being serious? Is that a real thing? Well, that's what the internet is. It's just like, oh, let's get something going. They see us... Gossip and outrage. Yeah. I mean, look at Twitter. It's all just fucking guys serious? Is that a real thing? Well that's what the internet is. It's just like, oh, let's get something going. You know, gossip and outrage. Yeah. I mean, look at Twitter. It's all just fucking like, what the fuck?

It's not like, funny doesn't work anymore. Funny is. It's not enough. Remember when Twitter was like all like puns and like dick jokes? And then it just became like, look at this. You're right. You know what the two biggest specials were

last year on Netflix? Chris Rock was one, because they wanna hear about the slap. Two is Mulaney because they wanna hear about the rehab. So you gotta stand. But they're also two of the biggest comedies in the world. Well sure, sure. There are two. They're two great comedies.

They're two great comedies. But now you gotta have that extra thing now. It's not just about the funniest. It's about like, oh, what's the scandal? That's part of comedy now, which is kind of a bummer. So wait, so wait, so wait. about like, oh, what's the scandal? That's part of comedy now, which is kind of a bummer. Sweet, sweet, sweet. I'm curious to think, as two legit best joke writers in New York, do you see that and you go like,

what am I gonna do, different? Nah, I don't wanna feed into it. I'd rather just keep being funny. I don't put any thought into it other than, is this a joke that's working or not same Because it's kind of short money because the slap will go away the rehab will go away It's just about it happens it falls in your lap and it just happened sure thing But like I think with jokes you just

What do I know but like I think it's just like you just got to write jokes and hope they fucking land I don't know. Yeah, How do you guys structure an hour? Like I'm curious, I know how I do it but I'm such a story guy that like I have to do it a certain way. And this special I thought to myself, I wanna be super joke heavy for the first four minutes. That was dense, I watched it.

It is dense, you're getting a laugh every 12 seconds. But that's cause of you guys, cause I go like, it's not my strong suit. It's not what I do it. It is dead. You're getting a laugh every 12 seconds That's cuz of you guys cuz I go like it's not my strong suit It's not not what I do well at least and so I was like so let's go I want to be like four minutes in and be like don't turn it off, right? That's that's the move I'm getting into the weeds here But like I looked at Netflix specials is very different as stand-up is like and when I started doing stand-up After Netflix specials, I was like, oh, it's always about a Netflix special So like I always go very front-loaded closers at 22 minutes

Ah, I always do closure at 22 minutes. So how do you hang them on for the last 30? Doesn't matter Interesting the 32 minutes at 22 minutes if they've heard your closer They're gonna stick around and I'm telling you right now the last story and I'm not I'm just saying the last story I have My rate of retention is through the roof through Netflix. It's it's through the roof But it's I think it's because you think you could you you Pull them in early. I close whatever closer I have which I think is like oven mitts Maybe is is I throw it at 22 minutes, because I go, yo, if you're about to turn me off, don't.

Damn, no one's thinking like that. That's very interesting. I've been thinking like that since you came. Yeah, I mean, shit, I don't know, man. That's interesting, because the retention rate, I guess, is shit. But right now, I just kind of do it the way I do it on the road, which is not that way.

My closures my closer. But I would argue, I tell you I know that one of my best, my two favorite specials I've ever seen. What are they? One of them is I guess, it's a side compliment. A little bit. Favorite, I'd probably go Corky and Forrest Gump. Sorry, I'm drunk.

I wanna hear your favorite specials. No, I like the... Tarded people. Anthony Jocelynk has my best favorite opening joke I've ever seen in my entire life. Which one? Which special, I mean? Not the last one?

No, not the last one. Um... The one before that. Oh, shit. Fire ward in the children's unit or something? My friend said to me my wife won't let us hang out anymore.

Oh, that's a great joke. One of the best jokes I've ever written. How does it go again? The internet's back, thank God. Wow, that was 38 minutes ago. Hold on. Give me a Juzlinick a list of specials. Give me the Juzlinick joke.

It's such a good joke. It's such a good joke. He's got great jokes. As far as the right turn goes, I don't know if there's anyone better. I mean, he's like really just. He's the misdirected king. Is that joke?

I mean, hang on. I gotta. He's excellent. My best friend's wife is a born-again Christian, and we do not get along at all. The other day, she called me up to yell at me, saying I'm a terrible influence on her husband because he called her a bad name.

I said, what? Did he call you a bitch? She said no Anthony. He did not use Oh, that's funny. Did he call you a cunt? She said no, I said well, then he didn't hear it from me. You know what's great about it? That's great. It's almost like a street joke that he wrote. Yeah. Good point. It's like an old school like joke book joke

that he modernized and made his own. His own and dark. It's one of my favorite jokes. And by the way, and so. I still laughed, I've heard it. What's the name of that special? Sorry, just to give it a shout out. Fire in the Maternity Ward.

That's it, thank you. Yeah, he is a great joke writer like he is I did I did the I did secret time and and I put my clothes right 22 minutes and then they were like Yo, can we do they brought me in they were like, you know, you're ready to retention Oh, man, and I was like and they're like, what did you do different? I told him I put my clothes Oh Oh, I saw them a mile away. God fucking damn it. Oh. Hey! Hey!

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your selling today shopify.com slash drunk wait a second wait a sec get this guy a cocktail alright we're five six drinks in here I gotta piss anyway I gotta piss too get this guy a drink because this isn't fair. We're hammered here. You're already hammered? He's been here since three. You got to catch up.

When did Burke start drinking? 1988. I'm in it life. Yeah. Oh, jeez. Well, we did like a half hour on you, by the way. Oh, really? It wasn't good.

Oh, well. You know, you have to realize at this point that people just speak with you about honesty. People speak with me about honesty? I gotta catch up to understand this. What happened last night, by the way? You guys hung out? Got some hookers, it was pretty sweet,

shared one, spit roasts, we all took turns. Oh, dude, dude, I thought I was getting fucked last night. Oh, by the Costa Rican. I had to shut her down and be like, yo, this isn't happening. Yeah. Good show. She was not happening.

She was trying to help a drunk guy get to his room. She's like, you're out of it. She was like, hey, you don't know what room you're in, you don't have a key, you don't know where you are, I'm gonna get you to bed. And I was like, I called Leanne and was like, looks like someone's still getting jocked. She was like, huh?

And then I realized, oh, she's got a... I walked Bert home yesterday, he got to the hotel, and he's like, damn, this looks exactly like my hotel. And then he's like, oh, it's my hotel. Where were you guys? We were just bonding, went to get cigars. Oh, hell yeah. Bert's superpower and biggest problem is that he does not slur so you can't tell how he is

I'll tell you right now people go I always go Leanne will tell me if I have a drinking problem, but no one can tell No one can tell you never know when you're tuned up. I've seen you legless. No. Oh yeah. You remember, can you explain to Ari the time we went into that strip club? Oh Waterloo, that was the hardest I've ever let, we were on the floor. It was so great. You can never repeat it, it doesn't read with people. It doesn't make as much sense.

I hear that song by ABBA, great song. I hear that song, I think of that night every fucking time. We were in like Sweden or Stockholm, whatever it was. We went to some strip club and the lady was trying to be coy and she was like, yes, we cannot have you in here unless we know you. What? Was that it?

Something like that. She goes, gentlemen. We were bombed. Our girl for a little bit more commitment. What? Was that it something like that? She goes gentlemen we were bombed What and mark and mark is reading like her real English and he goes Hang on we have to date them We take you downstairs for a little bit more of a commitment and marks like so we, so we gotta catch up on Game of Thrones? We were having so hard, and then we left, and we left for the whole walk.

Kept tagging the bit. Yeah, just kept tagging the bit back and forth. Yeah, yeah. Basically she was saying we're hookers, this isn't a strip club, like it's a brothel. Nice. You gotta like fuck us and hang out a while. I don't know where the fuck we were, somewhere in Europe.

I took it out of a special one time I never put in a special but like the best part is then mark and I went to a strip club and we roll in And the antics was walking in Leanne goes. What are you doing? One is trip club with Mark. Oh, and she goes Cool, and then we sit down and mark goes hey you tell her tell her? And I go, yeah, of course, my wife. We sit down and Leanne goes. She just raised her back cool, that's it? Yeah, she goes, are you getting a lap dance?

And we weren't at the time. Mark sees it and he goes, hey, what do you say to that? Because Mark, I think you just started dating May. Yeah. And he was like, what do you say to that? And I was like, well, it's my wife, I'm honest with her. I said, no, I'm not getting a lap dance right now. Right now?

I'm not getting a updates right now. Right now? I put the phone on the thing, and then it bubbles come up, and Mark grabs the phone, and I go, what does it say? Mark goes, hey, she called you a faggot. I remember that strip club, that was a fun time. That was a fun time. Yeah, I don't know, where were we? Reykjavik, or Sweden, or Copenhagen?

We were somewhere. Those Scandinavians somewhere those skins all a blur the mark Norman God mark more mark That guy was so far I remember you eating that velvet cupcake and you go hey, I think there's we Yeah Oh. And I was like, there's a lot of weed in it. Yeah. Hi. Ah, geez, you remember more than I do. That was a blur. You made me laugh. I think we really started hanging out.

Yeah, yeah. I barely knew you and we really bonded. I mean, the flight. I remember that you were worried about it, like what do I do with Bert? I'm like, throw every other drink into a plant. Yes, that's good advice and I wish I did that. But you always give good advice.

I did my first Rogan and back when I was on YouTube when it was like a career maker And I was like I got this I got that what should I say and you go you're already overthinking it Just go in and have fun. Yeah, and that was a great advice you rolled in drunk with a tie on yes I did you texted me, too I did the tonight show the night before got hammered all night with, I don't know, you, somebody, did an hour of sleep, got on a flight, flew to LA and did Rogue and hung over with the tie on. I had a couple of pops at the airport.

I'm just the way to do anything. You get off a flight, you kill a hangover with some booze and you're like, I'm not thinking. Yes. I'm the most me I'll ever be. I'm the most genuine human being. Yeah. That's why I never understand why people don't love a drunk guy accosting them.

Ah! I go, yo, I'm being mean. Go on. Ha ha ha ha ha. By the way, I've had my two favorite Sam laughs I've never had in my entire life. He's a good laugh. You are the most genuine laugh in the world. When you drink, you're a fun guy.

When you're sober, it can be tough. When he's drunk, it's a hell of a time. It's just a great sentence. It's like you don't like a drunk guy accosting you right now? What's wrong with you? I'm a talker on an airplane. Like hardcore. I remember one time I was like... That's why they locked the pilot door a talker on an airplane. Yeah. Like hardcore. Yeah.

I remember one time I was like. That's why they locked the pilot door. He won't shut the fuck up. Bro. Bird just rolls up, where you flying? You don't think I haven't done that? Let me tell you something. You remember when we were talking about

knowing who your fans are? Yeah. Pilots of airlines love me. Love. How many times? That worries me actually Playing my favorite thing in the world flight attendant goes double judge on the rocks. Oh, oh nice. Have you seen Sully? Yeah, that guy knows Bert

Are you gonna slide in here? This is your 30 drinks behind. I was walking home yesterday I was with Lev I saw Lev that were in the corner of six and like fourth and some Homeless guys like oh you guys and then some drunk white guys like I just want to hear what your joke is And I mean I had to stop myself from slapping the swarm out of his hand I was so close to just like no oh, but that's you that's me Love when a pilot recognize something out of someone's hand. It's always gonna be funny. It's so funny. They don't like it, but it's funny. But it's the right thing to do. It's got to be a friend.

It's got to be a friend. No, no, no. Black guy on the street smoking a joint. You don't want that. Oh, god. Yeah, that's a bad move. But Bob Kelly. Bird in Harlem alone.

Hey, buddy. You don't want that. Well, do you ever think people are watching? like I sometimes I think I'm in a movie So you slap the guy slap the shit out of a guy's hand and the guy gets mad at you And you're like, but I did it for the people at home. You guys ever have that. Yeah You have the studio audience in your head. Studio audience in my head. I get that all the time. No, we're all deeply mentally ill. Oh, yeah

Narcissist thing to say I'm important. I saw George Carlin, he had that special, he said, he's like, me and my friend would get drunk and sit on a couch and pretend we were on Carson. And that's what they would do at night. They were like in a, you know, pour in a shit box studio apartment in LA. And they would do that with Carson. Then one day I got on Carson or whatever, but I totally related to that. Oh, same.

Oh dear, you ever like fantasize about shit I would say? Like I wasn't fantas fans mother chicks as much as I would like shit. I would say like Letterman. Yes Like I was thinking about women. I was like I think about like I want to I want to hang out with Dave Letterman Yeah, do one better. Yeah, oh wait. I don't see black people slapping It's about to be a shrewd alakus you are ready though. The internet's back and so is Matt. No, no, no, no. I do not need to see this. What the fuck you gonna do? You ever do this? You just had to walk away.

Call someone and then as it rains you go, hey, what's up? Hello? Hello? You practice your... I've done that! I've done that! First thing in the morning, hello! What's up? Like I called Joey today. And I was like in bed, and I was ringing, I was like, what's up big guy? Hey, hey, what's up, how you doing?

Hey Joey, hey Joey. And I was like, practicing my hello. Yeah, yeah. I do that all the time. I do that too, and it's sad. If anyone saw it, you'd kill yourself. But I do it. You're basically Travis Bickle in Texas.

Yes, yes, exactly. Which is why this movie hits home. You're talking to me? Which is why this movie hits home. You're gonna be? Yeah. I mean, I've run my set, like a Tonight Show set or whatever, I'm Conan. I used to run that in my apartment over and over and I'd picture Conan and be like,

get over, that was the best we've ever seen. I go, thanks. Because I would listen to Seinfeld in interviews on Fresh Air and he would be like, you gotta go jogging every day. And I'm like, yeah, I'll go running. And I'm like, what does that have to do with comedy? Are you like, it's Jerry saying this?

I'll run and I'll fucking, I'll. There's not a single video in existence of Jerry Seinfeld running. Except for that episode. Oh yeah, maybe about a run away from Gaza. When he's running away from Dice. Yeah, oh yeah, pull that up. Sprinting away from Dice trying to like.

He didn't like Dice? No, Dice was doing the thing, but he didn't know it was him. He know his him and goes Jerry Jerry and just Jerry's like some fan. I'm tensing up I'm not gonna turn around and I just stays after You don't want a pot well and a friend in a park it ended nicely Hang on if you come up to me you're an outlier No, I'm not okay. I'm a liar. I'm not Well you mean you're cool if someone walks up to you with a phone Are you kidding? That's his dream? Yeah, that's

And don't shame that dream The answer you're a man of the people broke that down this down to Kings yeah There are two types of people their comics that pretend they don't want be famous, right? They're liars and they're manipulators. Why get on stage? Why get on stage? Don't. What do you think you're a gift to the gods that we needed your fucking words to share with us? No one's disputing that. I'm just saying the walk up without the consent of the video, just ask for consent. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. It's not you. You're a whore. You're a regular people. You're a fucking whore. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're regular people.

You're forgetting who your mom is, who your sister is. My mom would go up to someone with a phone. I'm telling you right now, you are overestimating the world based on your experiences. And we would never do that. We would never do that. But the regular person sees our— Just say just say hey can I take a look and goes Al Roker you get weak needed our own bird is fucking hammered hero oh shit that's Al Roker that's Al Roker he's at a table he's having dinner

can you believe that's can you believe I sat next to Al Roker and they do a video now listen that I'll tell you the person it happens to the most Adam Richmond man vs. food man vs. food happened to him all the time really I was friend I like that guy I was right with him and I'd watch it happen to him and I'm watching get upset and I should call him right now to let him defend. Call him, call him. Is he still around? Of course, he's great, he's great.

No, I'm fine with the video. I'll do your fucking video, just say, hey, can I take a video? That's all I'm asking. Don't swarm me. I'm in the middle of picking my nose and eating it. Privilege. What?

What you don't realize is the average person never thinks you're gonna allow them to do that never thinks they would I'm not actually No, the average person asked the average person asked I've never had some magic doing that to a regular person Just a normal guy in the street. They're like You're a liar except for in that steamer. I'm a Jew Into regular people's lives. You're a fucking Orlando That's where comics go to die Picture yourself guys everyone you're in Orlando, Florida

Yeah, and you got a fucking mega fan right next to you. Yeah sees you yeah You gotta you gotta remember what it's like to be a regular person sure forgotten what it's like. No, I have I know what you mean By the way, by the way Al Roker I grew up in the city and I knew a girl who was fucking hammered in high school and she's puking on the sidewalk and Al Roker walked up to her and he goes that's a disgrace More than anyone I've ever really we literally just got that bottom I argue me that was really yeah, we need in the studio. We need a lot of oh, yeah That's what regular yeah, yeah, you can't you can't deny you can't deny it. I agree. I agree with you I'm sorry. I'm half fucking around guy Fieri must get it all day long and here's the deal just go like hey, what's up, man?

That's it. Let's diffuse it and then we take the video and we take the video. Well. I'm a group. We're saying the same thing This is why Seinfeld the man just fucking put me to voicemail wow Look he's getting berated by what he thinks is a crazy guy in New York big shot over here big shot over here This is why dice is so funny And Then Seinfeld goes. Oh, it's a comedian. Yeah, let's hang that's what's cool about Seinfeld goes, oh it's a comedian? Let's hang. That's what's cool about Seinfeld.

He's this clean comic, he's a big mainstream celebrity. He's getting trolled by this guy and he's like, oh shit, you're a comic? Let's get a photo. And he's huge into the rave scene. Yeah. Rave scene? Rave.

Oh rave. Oh rave. Rave. Oh oh I did I definitely raved a girl Statutory rave you know I got to lagavulin I Would have barbecues at my house and and norma bring over half drunk bottles of lagavulin Oh, it's like his leftovers from the shimmer from the Schumer green room. What's this? Oh, it's like a leftover from the slugger from the sugar green room. What's this? I would say I would say lag of olin is like you can't beat that shit so Peter you can chew it yeah Like drinking bacon dude. It's very good lit right now. Yeah, we all are pretty lit. I like this. This is nice It's 530. I don't do it. We should do you guys have patreon nah. We're too lazy. We got rid of it. Look at it. It's so great

It's hard punch it that's hard 325 pounds Jesus You're fucking big dude. Yeah I Live bro this is turn. This is turn so gay. I'm touching his muscles. He's like I fucking live Well the old Rogan's would like her and all these guys they say horrible shit, it's so fun because they assume no one's listening The second we get Wi-Fi back he couldn't wait to look up Orlando What a hanger. It's a good cock right? What a hanger. Yeah.

Go to mine, go to mine. Ari you're doing good. You're doing alright. You're better than that. I'm not soft on that. That's a soft king. Soft king. Soft sir. Ari Ari solid. Give it a rate of one to ten. That's an eight and a half eight and a half There's a picture of me naked eating a lollipop in front of Bert

That is so stuffed There's like nine angles. What do you have a squid for a cock? It's chubbed up. Yeah, I'm chubbed up It's going in eight different directions. Yeah, nothing in there. It's good. Those are balls Those are balls and that's a dick and a head of a dick. That is the thinnest speedo ever How did you find that speedo mark? That's a great question Come with a liner and I cut the line. Oh, I knew something was up Yeah, the better to jizz in there with wait. Do you see the panties I wear what oh My lian got me some panties and they're fucking hot. What are we looking for Ari's cock?

Oh, the ball bag is really where Ari shines the ball. I don't even know what that means How do you shine a ball? Is that good shut this down Yeah I'm right behind a naked. Aw, that's pre-drugging. I just, I can't, there's certain things I can't Google. Like I just know that they're not my Google thing.

And like. All right. I've seen enough of your screwing up for one day. We got it, we got it. I've seen. What are you doing tonight, Ari? Might do spots, I might blow them off Going to the Knicks game yeah

barf Huh in a bar from the court probably we're gonna pull a race in yeah How about that that'll sell tickets for the next year and a half? Yeah, you got a scrape you like your tour dates You have a Permission to party world tour starts September 19th. You got a new set? I mean, you just put a special on it. You have a new hour.

Six months from now. Yeah, I got six months from now, and I just did nine months off, so all I've been doing is writing jokes. So you feel like your life, it's interesting, because Louis, Louis called me the other day, and he was like, you working too much,

you calling in the cellar too much just fucking Live and I was like, yeah So I've been working way less and as I've never done list just like was like you're doing stuff Like this was giving me shit you never go to Nick's game tonight You go to Nick's game tomorrow and you go to Yankees the next day. Yeah, that's a lot of sports opening day Oh nice. You should go our first week. I'll be gone.. Yeah, you know, but I think there's truth to it. You know, I think there's, Todd Berry the other day was like,

tell me, he's like, there's a Chris Rock thing he said where he goes, your audience is living, you gotta live. You gotta know what they're dealing with. It's true though. Go wait in the line. What was the face, Bert? I don't know. I like the look.

I can't imagine Todd Berry riding a roller coaster. Yeah, look. What are we talking about, living? Look. I mean't know. I like the road. I can't imagine Todd Berry riding a roller coaster. What are we talking about living? I mean Todd, I love you Todd. What are you doing? You've been on a lot of water slides, roller coasters, horseback rides. That is fair. That's a good point. Todd Berry, I want you to call me with a set list of things you want me to do next week.

That's actually a TV show. That's a great point. I'll do them on Tuesday morning. That's a great point. Todd was not the messenger for this one. I love Todd Berry. That's a TV show. Google Todd Berry.

Bert Christy presents Todd Berry does things. Google Todd Berry doing anything. Hey guys. Todd Berry's like a black man. He just hangs out by the basketball court, goes to the club. Basketball court's generous. He's going to a diner alone. I do nothing Black dudes they just do they're only allowed to do our Jackson a great bit about it barber shop They're only allowed to do a couple things holler. What go to the court and go to the club holler our white women on South Beach

That's it And and and and but what's so funny is like Todd Berry is a black guy technically he doesn't do a ton of shit Yeah, he's not doing any of those sorry I've ever been paddle boarding You've definitely you've been a China On the surfboard when you paddle when you stand up yeah, I've done that have you ever done kayaking yeah white water rafting Yeah surfing yeah, okay Barry's done none of those that's a good point top berries stand at the beach go look at these people yeah Yeah, look at this. This is Ari and I wake surfing. Oh hell. Yeah. Yeah, yeah like white guys do a lot of shit

Yeah, we do shit. We have free time. This is lots of money. We're dancing a dangerous line here though We pay our taxes We do a school shooting we hang out with our father Oklahoma City bombing that was all us I wish I could tell a bill burr joke we register our guns the even burr cool again are you yeah women here we go they're cool no no we're cool we're cool we we hung out at spells place we're cool. Yeah. What do you mean, here we go? They're cool again. No, no, we're cool, we're cool. We hung out at Chappelle's place, we're cool. I saw that was a good moment.

What are white people and black people connect to do something? Drinking. Drinking, yeah. Smoking. Ooh, yeah. Drinking's a big one. Drinking's a big one.

Come together. Ooh, you know what's a big moment with a black guy? When a hot lady walks by and you go, and you see the black guy look and you go. Connection. Well that's a connection. Nothing connects black and white more than women. More than asses.

Like a fat ass. That's a beautiful moment. We all like a fat ass. My first day of working at the Boston Comedy Club, Patrice O'Neal, Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton, and Rich Vos were standing on West 3rd Street. A black, a Jew, a trans lover, and a fuck into a bar. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Other than the end of the book. Ah. Patrice was cat calling ladies. Oh, I remember that. I'd never seen that. Fat cat calling. I'd never seen that. I grew up in Florida.

We don't cat call. I live in a cul-de-sac. I'd never seen someone cat call someone. It's tough to do it to your neighbor. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Missripopolis. Yeah.

And I was like, I was blown away. I'd never seen it. And they were all having fun with it, you know? Did it work at all? I'm sure it does. Oh, it doesn't fucking work. I mean, it has to work sometimes. I don't think it just gets some attention.

No, no, no, no. It's a numbers game. Hang on, hang on. I didn't put this joke in my special. Yeah, I'll argue this okay. I like that cat called I was doing what what I look at cat call. I was doing Schultz. I brought Ila with me Schultz cat called Ila What's up dime I was doing I was doing Schultz and I had Ila with me and a sperm doesn't work and she and She was like why would they do that and I go because it works cuz you're a piece

She goes no, it doesn't work. I go to you self-esteem Like there's clearly like I go when you go fishing do you put do you whistle at the water she goes no I said why not? She goes well, that's not your catfish catch fish I went yeah, you put a hook in the water and I goes no. I said why not she goes well the sign you can't fit catch fish I went yeah, you put a hook in the water, and I'm certain there's some fish that feel threatened One fish going No, but but uh there's no success stories about like a like a happy marriage and met through like look at that fat ass I can't I think I just want attention and that's it That's that's what they're going for a little bit like shut up you and then move on

Yeah, cuz every once in a while it's like they probably laughed like right? It's nice to be noticed but like we don't like it, but it's nice to be noticed. Yes Because here I put in like cat calling I think there's probably Latino women love it type a type of person who likes it But I am swimming love it chance women love it. That's true. Did you holler at a trans woman? She's into it Yeah, they're like hey fuck go to Santa Monica and fucking La Brea. Yeah, there's like let's book a ticket Let's fucking do it right now Travel Channel bring it back. I'm a j-los kid. I'll let trans women all over the world. We call birch mother like dude

You were right They fuck they're loving it. They're loving this shit. What were we talking about before this? Doing stuff best hero I ever saw in the black community going into outside lands and some as the crowd was going in some black I was just looking at every woman's that can't get your number. I get your number No fear, I used to do that when I was single and I was like a teenager, I'd just go up to random girls. Sam, gotta get your number. Numbers game, batting average.

It worked, cause there's always a woman out there like I just got divorced, I got dumped, I need some male attention. Boom, got the numbers. You got Rob Deerstedt's. Outside Lands was the shit, man. What's Outside Lands? It was so good for a while, it went kids,

but it was fun, it was right there. Music Fest. In New York? No, it's in SF. Oh, I never did that dude. Oh, no I'm thinking of the governor's ball, but outside lands ruled dude. I remember doing a fucking gig there Fucking the who was playing it was oh what what year was this I saw I saw Paul McCartney there What yeah, they used to fly us out was great What yeah, they used to fly us out was great industry plan Paul McCartney all back

Empire weekends fucking badass that's a great vampire weekend. Don't you I fucking love Would not love you, but she would Yeah, we used to hook up dude used to fuck. Oh gee years ago. Who's doji? Oh yeah back? Which she was doji kitten up doji is the lady by the way? I know this one. Oh, that's dojo Doji kitten doji is the lady by the way I know this So far we got Leanne Morgan Sarah Silverman doji Todd Barry Jenny Garofalo can get it yeah Jeanine you see her sometimes you get off stage. She's waiting. It's not dark like who the fuck is that? Reality bites she holy hell look at this lady. We're an underwear. Dochi's letting you know light-skinned chicks aren't in anymore

Blood diamond and this is fucking big Freeders plan by the way I'm happy that we fucking free to the I was like Burke Chrysler podcast over under two hours. We all took the over it Yeah, Matt Matt wrote me. It was like come down here. They hold me going like 45 minutes We probably got like three more hours She's cool as shit to use the coolest fucking baddest bitch in town Louie by the way also She was dude. She was a really great comic actress like Romy Michelle's high school reunion. Uh-huh. She's amazing. Reality bites, she's by cats and dogs. She's in the consciousness of stand-up comedy. Fucking brilliant.

The tats are great. You have to be in her vibe to get it. If you're a fucking pedestrian, you won't get it. I fucking love Janine Broder. Get in there, Bert. Janine's awesome. She's a good actress. She still does sets.

Dochi, though? Dochi is like fucking. That'd be a good Lesbo couple. Dochi and Janine? Oh, I'm trying to invite her family to do my two bears Do it cut a promo famous I'm so out of the loop I'm old We don't know who is famous We're not good at this I'm out of that will send us guests and we're like we don't know who any I like Bill Murray Do I like Bill Murray Doe I like I wanted Kristen Ritter on the podcast, but I guess she bailed bad. I don't know what John Ritter on

Yeah, the Rizler has stood us up twice Good what the hell is this tiny desk good or tiny? I don't know if we can play any of this. She old-school hip-hop spring it about oh good good for her Look at her on this tiny desk. I like a tiny desk. Yeah, go to the go to the Go to where the spike is right where the spike is right here. Oh spike bird knows all about the spikes You know, you know how to spike a drink. That's what I'm saying. Sorry. Arrrrr.

Tell me you go, Arrrrr. Great tea. What a fucking being a fucking room with her finishing a glass of wine. Tell a bitch who I, step up in this bitch on the two-five. Come to tea your shit on the two-five. Took a midnight swim in my two-five. This is what's great about this pod. I never thought we'd get here.

Yeah. No one saw this coming Look at those nails You never know where we're gonna end up She probably, she probably, probably George's age Oh geez How old? Now I'm into her She got to be 22, yeah

Okay If you were single, what's the youngest you would go? Oh, good question I'd start off at 34 34? I think that's respectable Yeah Actually, if we're being real 12 Oh, good question. 34. 34? I think that's respectable. Yeah.

Actually, if we're being real, I just fucking clean up. I clean up fucking geriatric. Oh, I agree. I clean up fucking peri-menopausal. I'd fucking slay a bunch of bitches that sweat at night. Who's peri-menopausal? I don't know her.

It's a different rapper. Oh, okay. But wait a minute. Peri-menapazl is a great rapper name. Cher is banging like a nine year old. Who's Cher? That's what we always go, oh men are creeps. These women, they get power. Madonna?

I don't want to date a chick who doesn't know Fletch. 34 does not know Fletch. I need you to know what I'm talking about. That's true. Like I can't play a song fled you to know who I'm what I'm talking. That's true Like I can't play a song you go. Who's this and I go? 34 might not know Billy Madison you like you might Watch I was a kid kid you might be in a truck and I do it Peter. I test date Peter Peter How do you?

Peters 28 and Peter like will be that guy. I don't know who that is. You're 28. You don't know fletch Who is in it? He only knows it because of me. Ah Here we go. He only knows it because of me. All right. All right. I want to have Peter about love And I'm Don't know where this came from but I'm fucking loving it. I'm loving about love Yeah, I'm being so real right now and I hope this gets clipped out and shared with everyone. Clip it. Get ready.

Clip it, send it, post it. Is a shared moment that you both get. For me and Leann, you know what it is? Googly googly, everyone gonna get it, let's move on. Right? You get that? No, I don't know what's happening. Googly googly. Adam Sandler. You know it? Adam Sand that? No, I don't know what's happening. Googly googly.

Adam Sandler. You know it? Adam Sandler. No, no, no, no, no. Damn, there's a real shot in the dark, guys. I'm gonna give you another one. I'm gonna give you another one. Ignore that, edit that out.

Pfft. Keep it in. Triple it up. Me and Leanne, ready? Yeah. The thing about love is you want a shared moment that you both have, that you both get. Leanne says to me,

I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud. Only wetter. Yep. David Tell. Phantom Menace. Thanks for the memories. I want to marry a bitch that I gotta teach that to. Oh, as most women.

I don't wanna do the work, I don't do the work that, I gotta teach you how to be a grownup where you get David Tell. Yeah. And so, I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter. You finished my statement, Mark. How to be a grown-up where you get David tell yeah, and and so I? Wanted to sound like a boot stuck in mud only wetter you finished my statement mark I know it will that is what love is love is is getting your same thing Together where you guys just get it and yeah, yeah cultural references

That's why being this similar age does help it's shared experience experience to you talk about something all the thing you just look like huh Well, they are to cap real fucked Georgia and how about Al Pacino? Oh? He's like he's like these are my movie. She's like I wasn't born. Yeah, I don't even know who you are He's having kids older than the mom. I'm gonna tell you a secret. Yeah story the girls The and this one. I love my kids, the girls, I have a bunch of friends over and they put on Matt Reif, his new special's coming out. And they like it, it's okay, but then,

Georgia and I go, you wanna see something really funny? And they put on Shane Gillis. Whoa, really? That's love, right? When Georgia goes, huh, you know, like where the little Shane is, yeah, like, huh. Like, that's what fucking love is, is when you all get the same joke, and I can't do that with a fucking 20 No only fucker from behind

I will do that. Oh when you put name yeah pull up fucking Fuck young kids. I want to see Burke Chrysler's dirtbag era though He's just back there some behind with air pods in In his sliding glass doors where Liam's gone Skates for the memories? I want to sound like a boo, suck him out only wetter At least put an iPad in front of her face and just show her like Chris Rock bring the pain Yeah, I'd only slam old chicks Old chicks are fun

Old chicks no I like old chicks And if they're old enough you can blast in them Old school boobs are fucking sexy as fuck Disgusting, way wrong You're wrong And if they're old enough you can blast in them old school boobs are fucking sexy as fuck Disgusting way wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong old school boobs are knee boobs. Nope ready ready Yeah, our fucking 70s boobs That's a great utter

Next presidential debate. We'll see Which tits you guys want like what what what what what genre of porn? Yeah, why do you think is the best? I mean, I think it's 80s where you get the triangle cuz they can't sunbathed outside so you get the It's a sun Fucking burnt it. Yeah is so fucking hot. And this is all real by the way. There's no plastic surgery, there's no implants, there's no lip injections, no Botox. This is the real deal.

Look at this fucking- Those are Lantits. You ever see Holtzman's bit about Charlie's Angels when the movie came out? He goes, I don't like this movie Charlie's Angels because it gives women the frost impression that they can defend themselves. I am a 240 pound former crack addict.

I will murder you. These boobs were the best boobs. Just type in 70s boobs. Damn. 70s boobs were the best boobs. You guys weren't born yet? But like I was in the 80s, I was like 12. Maybe not.

No, you guys were 82. I was breastfeeding some 70s boobs. They were pretty good. 83. 80s boobs, 70s boobs were the best. Damn, look at that lady I mean, what's her face? What's her name? Machete landing chick from true lies. Oh, Jamie Lee. Jamie Lee. Kurt

Fuck up those are the best booze you've ever seen your that's a wide those are weird those look AI Look, that looks like one hit. Yeah, but damn those are huge. Who is this broad? I'm not loving these. Who is it? Are you serious? Oh. Some of the blackers. What are you doing? All right, all right, all right.

I'm taking orders here. Pivot, pivot. All right, pivot. What's that one? You're on. No. Type in small 70s. Oh.

Ooh, now I know the white. Oh, there we go. Black, black, black. Pete's not. All right, Jesus. Mark, edit that out. I can't let her hear him say that. Alright, she's a good egg.

Small 70's boo. By the way, Macron might be the king of the milk fucker. He's banging a lady. His teacher. His teacher, who's 35 years older than him, and he married her. Emmanuel Macron, the French prime minister Minister or whatever you call it. He's banging his teacher. He was friends with his, friends with her daughter. He went to class with her.

He literally lived the graduate. Yes! She's holding it together. Which by the way, fucking great movie. Great movie, great ending. What's the guy's name? Mike Phillips? No. If they're holding it together? Nichols.

Like Demi Moore? She's still got it. She can still get it Nichols like to me more she still got it Jenny Garofalo and still get you would fuck her choke. You know get it hottest women ever I'm already saying it like it's charity Sam hold on you know what I'll change my opinion. I won't drink right now. Do you know we're hanging? I'm gonna piss hold on You drunk is the best thing in the world. Oh, I'm a good time you Drunk I'm a fun drunk Let me explain when I got to New York what turned me on alcohol and it's specifically bullet bourbon or bullet

Ryan the rocks was you Mackie Norman list not doing shit And it was just such a fucking rule well you show up like oh my god I'm just gonna do a spot and leave you see everybody with that fucking small small ice and you're like I'll be here for four hours. Let's do it. Yeah, we'll get lit up booze. Yeah What I only talk her about running? Oh You're wasted now She's a spritz queen Michelle with I mean we've wanted Michelle in here forever She's never here, but she's she is she said she'd come on. Yeah, she'll come on always wanted her on so Madrid

Yeah, that is part of the problem. Yeah, it's a long flight. I went and hung out with her in Madrid She's got her own club there. She wants to come on though. She said yeah, that'd be fun Just I haven't seen her for a lit up Michelle It's gonna have to be so heavily edited the time You know what's so great about me. Yeah, what? Yeah, oh yeah, she keeps it real. I'll tell you okay ready best Gossip in comedy who is interesting Yeah, these guys? We're fine.

No. Yeah? No, I have my answer. Please. You're up there. I'm... Listen, we're talking about in the discussion first. No, I'm talking about...

Are we making this another episode? Number one, number one, number one. Thank you, Matt. Tim Dillon. Yeah, Tim's a good talker. Tim can talk. Well, he can talk about anything. He's the best gossip.

And Tim's just, he just makes you feel like you're a part of something He's Tim Kelly's not a bad gossip He's out of picture. I feel like we don't see him enough at all Tim comes in every now and then I go hey Tim You want to do the party goes? I? Got things Tim's the king of like I'll do it it, and then you get the worry, you're like, oh shit, missed my flight, not coming. Exactly. I think you're, it's hard, he wants you.

Book him for a cruise. Yeah. That's a lot of work. But that's how we are with everything. We wanna do everything, and then you ask us, and we're like, I'm hungover. But you get Tim in a green room, and it just elevates, you don't even wanna go on stage.

You're like, oh, this is good, this is better. Yeah. Schumer in her prime was a great as trash talker. Yeah, yeah I'm venting with her to come back to trash talk We're gonna pull you away when taking upstate New York, I'm gonna turn you back into a what is she a dog with an illness? No, we gotta stop talking about politics. Yeah, I'm talking about fucking every comic and be like and we love you to death No more prayer sessions. Hey, she was this is what sucks about Schumer Is that like sure everyone forgets she was a fucking great hang great?

Hey, we did we did that whatever that big festival thing was Adam Richmond. Oh what Adam Richmond? Adam oh man now I'm sitting here with Mark Norman, Sam Rallin, Ari Shafir. He doesn't know who we are. He doesn't know who we are, but it's nice to see you, Adam. Listen. Great hat. I'm going to turn you around.

And I know your position on this. I'm defending the opposite, but I know your position on this. Pull up some celebrity dicks. How do you feel about when people videotape you and you and and they do it on the sly on a podcast randomly Yeah, yeah consent Adam Adam can I ask you a question because you're like a food guy Just come ask me. Just come ask me. Just come ask me. That's what I said. I said ask. Yeah. Yeah. Consent.

Adam, Adam, can I ask you a question? Because you're like a food guy. What best pizza in America? What do you think? America. Oh man. I mean I'm going to say, I'll just say New York, like just flat because there's certainly different styles. I mean like a spot I meant.

What is your favorite place in New York? A specific spot? Yeah Hey All right best pussy in America. He's gonna say Asian. Don't fuck yourself. Let me tell you something, man, I always say this. You are underrepresented with how smart you are.

Can we do a game real quick? Oh, geez. This is my favorite thing in the world, ready? Say hi to my friend Chris, by the way. Hey Chris. What's up? Watch this. We've been drinking. Crazy smart. Yeah. Hey Adam, can you give me an intro to Man vs. Food for Columbus, Ohio? We did Columbus last time with Tommy. You want to pick another city? Ohhhh. I love being in Columbus. That is fun. You remember. Oh Was it do you give me a city I don't know city Spokane Dallas

Seattle Seattle Can you I went to Broken Yolk, Red Mill, what was the other burger? I did Red Mill, Broken Yolk. Damn! I can't remember the others. You go to Chaz? The food I had in Seattle. Oh yeah, got it, got it. Watch this.

Okay. I'm here in Seattle, Washington, the jewel of Pacific Southwest right here on Puget Sound, famed for its unbelievable music scene, its architecture, vibrant sports culture, and of course, it's seafood. That's the first thing I'm going to dig into, but while I'm here, I can't miss some of the best burgers, voted second in the country at Red Mill Burgers, and it all leads up to the

Broken Yolk Challenge. 12 Egg Challenge, full with hashbrowns, sauce and peppers. You're gonna be fun with the man, too. I get a picture on the... What? You are blowing their fucking mind out of it. That was incredible. Wow. Broken yolk challenge, 12 eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage, all served on a massive platter within the time limit. Then I get to Seattle food immortality,

a picture on the wall of fame. And yes indeed, the kitchen may be grunge today It's all about rock and roll whoa Wow calls and texts. Oh! Oh! Wow. He's one of us.

He's one of us. He only calls me when he's drunk. He's one of us. I love you, I love you, I'll call you tomorrow. Don't kill yourself. We gotta wrap this up, we're going to a game. Oh yeah, broken, yo, good abortion title. That's crazy.

Wow. He can do that, we got drunk one night in Arizona. Story trucks. And I kept going, I was just naming cities. And he'd do the read. He'd do the read. I could kinda do them, but I fucked it up. Cause I can remember the challenge and you know the read.

But he's fucking, the read. Crazy, he knows all that. I'm here in Las Vegas, Nevada, and I'm ready to take on the final foursome challenge. Like it's kinda crazy. Wow. He's intense. He's a pro.

I can feel like we could do that with the city, but to do it like that. We can go, hey Seattle, go to this bar. And the way he says it too. I know. Full promo. Sounds like a TV show. He's like a pro wrestler.

Yeah. Yeah, he's good. What time you gotta go to the game? Lives in the Bronx. We're leaving in a few. We gotta plug some dates. Burt, where you gonna be, man? Are you back on the road?

Permission to party World Tour. Check out Lucky on Netflix. Check out Lucky on Netflix. Lucky on Netflix right now. Two Bears, 5K is May 4th. Burt cast. Me, Jelly Roll, and Tom. Whoa.

Oh, jeez. He's gonna die out there. It's a lot of jiggle. It's a lot of jiggle. A ton of jiggle. Jiggling for 4.9 days. Mostly jiggle. Yeah. Why don't you guys suck it up and come down? Jiggle. It's a lot of jiggle. A lot of jiggle. A ton of jiggle.

Jiggling for 4.9 days. Mostly jiggle. Yeah. Why don't you guys suck it up and come down? To what? Tampa? No, when is it though, I mean, when is it? I know, I heard you, I'm sorry.

May 4th. You would've got me in March. I have not. I hate to miss spring in New York. I have not partied with enough and I miss you, man. I miss you, dude. When you laugh. Fucking call me. When you laugh. Like, you dude when you fucking call me when you laugh

Like cuz mark mark normans a little bit of a cunt like where he goes like he does these he does these if you notice He goes like oh Yeah, yeah, yeah like mark never gets fucking lit. I'm pretty I'm pretty sloppy right now right now Hang on let's all take it what are you doing are we chugging it let's chug them. Oh, that's a lot of cranberry pigs Special on Netflix is on Netflix. It's called you America's Sweetheart America's Sweetheart Yeah, you see them all there that we were chugging this I'm over on lucky Check out as a new tour schedule

Mission a party I will not be going to Dubai Why not say I can't take my shirt off and I can't party so it's like you can't take your shirt Oh cuz they think of tits. Oh You also can't drive boys I'm just going over to the hit a chick like that's it That's illegal. That's legal. You can hit a chick there Mark you got to catch up man. Definitely not my watch. You got to chug it dude Mark Mark Mark stop being a bitch. This one kills me about you Do it Mark do it. Stop Mark you're not drinking Chug chug chug yes

Yes Just do it. Do it. Mark, do it. Stop, Mark. You're not drinking. Chug, chug, chug, chug. Yes. Yes. Normo. Sneaky. You gotta keep eyes on him. He's Norman-lizing his behavior.

He's sneaky because he's not enough of an alcoholic. First of all, you're the same as me, he's the same as me, and he can't admit it, but Mark's better than normal. I'm the same as you. You're the same as me. You drink as much as I do. You're the same as me. You're the same as me.

You're the same as me. You're the same as me. You're the same as me. You're the same as me. You're the same as me. You're the same as me. You're the same as me. You're the same as me, he's the same as me, and he can't admit it, but Mark's better than all of us. I'm the same as you. You're the same as me.

You drink as much as I do. Of course. No. No. I get as drunk as you do, but I don't drink the same. No one drinks at your level. But we have, I'll get a little. We got sloppy that one night with Sal.

Holy shit did we get sloppy. Yeah, we took photos on the street. We got our new Rogan suits and suits and go let's break them in yeah Rogan suit he sent the suits for free with like top-notch tailoring it was unbelievable Oh, it's like you want a suit and we're like, okay, I'll send you the photo plug it every comment He goes here's four of them like shit, dude. I live in a New York apartment off room for four suits I know you four suits cut to me and him at a bar like suits Let's go out drinking wear our suits. So we put the suits on his is like he looks like Matthew Lesko, you know like hey

All I got is this watch. Yeah, Rogan But we got four suits we put them on we got shit So showed up And there's a shot of me on a fuckin' mailbox. On a mailbox, sitting on the street. And it's like four in the morning. New York at night is the best photography you can do unless you're...

Oh yeah. Good times. Wait, why are we ending this? Cause we gotta go to a game. Well what's the, seven o'clock? Yeah, we gotta meet him. We got a minute. We got another 10 minutes.

Let's do one more. Jerry? Let's do one more drink. Jerry? Let's do one more. One more, one more bottle. Jerry Seinfeld? No, he won't be the nearest. Jerry Seinfeld and Tracy Morgan.

Who are you going with? Who are you going with? Who are you going with? Bill Cosby and Chris Bolivia. It's a 730 game. Hamilton? Yeah. I love that guy.

Great guy. I love him. Best hair in comedy. What is it, Ali Sadiq? You look dark there, Mark. Ha ha ha ha ha. Let's do another drink. I think we all do one more drink I'll ever get over your beef

What beef never mind drop it drop it drop it over you text? No no no no no no no I just drop it no No, I'm just creating internet Oh just go actually I can't talk about that We're out of poor good let's get the good stuff Let's Those rules don't apply Whatever Be before queer Before never mark those rules don't apply here before clear your whatever Be before queer

Clear you're a beer have the best laugh because your laugh you show you're all your molars you go This is a bodega cat porous's collab drunk episode Let's do a little mixy fucking bottle. We could a whole bottle. Oh, I'll do a mix There I'll do a mixture. Are you do we kill a whole fucking bottle? Holy shit? I have to go to dinner with fucking square mark. That's fucking great. Oh, I gotta hit my kid. I left them on the counter Shit, we gotta wrap this up. Oh, that's a big pour Wow Taking off my leg in the Civil War Mac got the henna tattoo he's changed

This is a mess Now were you at the fucking bachelor party? You look different. Big mustache. The best was Sal was like, we were all like, there was one uninvited guest and we're like, I don't know how to tell him to go. And Sal was like, you want me to tell him to go? I'm like, yeah, man.

He'll butt in. And he'll be like, was it John Manz? He just went over there. No, no, it was way worse. You gotta go. I told Laurie last night, I can't play Brick Breaker anymore because of that bachelor party. Huh?

What is it? Brick Breaker is my favorite game to play. I would get me rid of anxiety on planes. And I was so sick the next day that I played Brick Breaker the whole day. So every time I play Brick Breaker, I feel sick. Oh, shit. It's like, you know, like the thing. Oh, shit. It's like the thing.

I get that. I get that with food. When you're hungover and you eat a food, you can't eat it again. Oh, yeah, right. It's just too related to the sickness. Set in, yeah. Tequila, couldn't drink for 10 years.

Certain foods will fucking help with a hangover, man. That's true. Best food to have on a hangover. I like everything bagel with bacon, egg, and cheese. Nice, that's a great one. Egg runny, egg runny? I love a runny egg, man I won't mind a runny egg, but that whole thing is great. Chant little Eastern Europeans do Great hangover food leftover Chinese food

Who's gonna say over his fuck inress something wild fucking kids and I hangover That's my hangover cure. I like fucking kids Do it anymore with these new rules New rules by Bill Maher No more fucking kids, okay, I don't have any kids, but I'll eat about hey guys We're gonna be jokes all time Usually Kyle Dunigan funny guy new rule people okay?

Like bill won't do Rogan if he talks about Kyle Dunigan is so funny the rogue is like I'm definitely gonna So yes, and Bill's like I'm a comedian you're like are you are you though can't be made fun of can be talked about Jerry credit He laughs at people making fun of I said to you I don't know I'm being real right now, and I'm drunk so Like I don't like I don't like when you do an impression of a comedian what do you mean I personally? I don't like it. What do you mean Sam specifically or anyone any? No, like I don't know. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say I texted you one time like Jeremiah's at the impression of mark

Oh, I didn't like oh, I thought I like it. Oh, I thought it was really good. Oh, yeah, I remember that. It bothered me, it bothered me. No, I thought it was really funny. Yeah, Mark Norma. It's funny, but I go, yo, I don't like, cause they did it to Dane and it minimized the person. And it's like, yo, there's a nuance and dude,

they're gonna be- Oh, I thought Jeremiah did it with love to Norman. Yeah. I know, I know, but I know, then edited it out, but I just didn't like it. I don't like an impression. No one does impressions of it out, but I just didn't like it. I don't like an impression No one does it to me. Oh, here's why I didn't like it Cuz I was on the show with him and dr. Phil and I was like can one of you not be a character that I can

Riff with yeah, do I have to compete with only characters here? Bother me it bothered me mark the next morning. I said I don't like that, I don't like it. I'm just weird about it. So like, I understand Bill Maher's point of view. Do you remember when they did it about Dane on SNL? Yeah. No. It was on Matt TV. Matt TV? No. It was like Barinholt.

So you whittle down the thing they do and you go like, I'm this, I'm that, I'm that. And then none of the nuance is there. It's like, you can do it to every comic. And I'll tell you I'll tell you They did it to Sebastian a couple times on skanks And and I understood it I get it, but it's like Sebastian's a little more than what's up with these people? You know they know that though. They're just like doing it for funny the funny part

I know, but I just I think when it's done with love like that I may not like putting that in there because I'm just, I don't wanna shit on Jeremiah. I'm not shitting on Jeremiah. He fucks kids, you can shit on him. I'm cool with Jeremiah and we talked about it, so I find it somewhat flattering, but I see what you're saying. It bothered me, I texted you privately.

I don't think what Epstein did with the kids was cool, but I think his Martin Norman impression was pretty good. I stand by it. By the way, I agree more with Epstein did with the kids was cool, but I think is more normal impression Stand by Agree more that scene Dude hey Whatever happened that island. I don't know. It's up for sale. We got it. Let's all go in together big comedy I love it I love it how many festival headliner crystal lea let's do it only the Epstein Island comedy festival only young comics

That could be something Just lay no book is that really for sale? Yes You can buy 25 million that's a much for you Bert 125 million Oh, you got that. Does it come with the dock and all the buildings, or did they destroy it? Look at all the nice huts and the bungalows.

Plenty of huts. You could do Airbnb that. You could make it out of the back of a five-year-old. Burt, you got the massages, man. Let's do this. I went to St. Martin with the wife. We went on a drunk booze cruise, and we passed by it. It's a beautiful island.

It's right there. Right there. Ever see Adrian's bit about it? Imagine you're washed up on a, like, you have a shipwreck and you watch about FC now Like thank God. I'm saved Even better. Yeah, I think Adrian would have been cool What who Adrian Appaloochee? Yeah, she's gonna kept the secret. She's cool Like I don't think I wanted to touch

Fucking kids there the fuck she was yeah she washes up, they're like, hey, let's get you some help. Yeah, she'd be fine. I just want a room. She's too old. I think Adrian would have been like, hey guys. We're like, oh, you gotta enter this back in. We're like, you old man.

You're the poppies. Oh, we don't allow nannies here. You are your age older than everyone here. Yeah. Go watch Adrian's special on Netflix as well. She's awesome. She's produced by R.H.E. Executive producer.

And we love her. She's an old friend of ours and she's awesome. She was on here and it was pulling teeth, but she's a good egg. Worst episode ever of You Be Trippin'. I was in Portugal, I was like, who's that? Ah! Did you meet anybody?

Yeah, some people. Are you serious? Oh my God, it's like, how would the, would the men there go, yeah, they were fine. I read the comments too. On that one? Her again, she's on everything, I'm dying here. Oh, shut up.

That's fucked comments. You gotta get her in the microphone. Mark Norman, Mark Norman. I wrote half. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on one second, Bert, go! Mark Norman used to suck on podcasts. Do you remember that? No, teach me. Oh, buddy. You were awful. Do you know teach me? Oh?

Buddy you were something you did bird cast in the back in the day. You're like. I don't do it. What do I do? I was a comic. I don't know what the hell is going on. You got so good on podcasts Well, you got to learn these things you got to work your way up But you but you I remember you coming on my podcast you're like I don't tell stories I don't I don't know how to do this thing Oh, yeah, and we sat in my man cave with no air conditioning and you told the story about fucking your drama teacher Yes, it's a classic. It's such a good story. I was on this and I'm crying laughing. I was crying I learned I learned over time, but it I just you know, it was a new thing

It was like we did stand up we wrote jokes and then he went deep in where he's like Overdose me on Xanax so I have something yeah I got a million stories, so I learned quick, but podcast It was like a new thing that we had to just know it was starting out like that much in New York to New York It's like at the beginning like what is totally we should wrap up guys Bert plug the new specials on Netflix lucky lucky It's awesome. Get some... This is best work yet. Top 10. We got Winnipeg. We got Tampa, Florida.

We got Halifax, Canada. Spoke Halifax. Nice. Dang. Calgary, Vancouver, Rockford, Illinois. That's where Natasha's from. Saint Paul, Minnesota. Duluth. Duluth. Great dreading song.

Eugene, I once heard David tell us that Eugene, Oregon or the town that makeup forgot. Ah. Ah. Ah. More Red Rocks, October 1st with Joey Diaz. Oh, that's neat. Ooh.

It's kind of a community. Good luck getting him on a plane. He'll do it. He'll do it for Red Rocks. When he comes out, people are going to go. I'll go with Joey Diaz. I rode a plane with him toward the last Burt tour. The only reason I'm open for Rogan is because Joey Diaz canceled 60% of the time.

And Joe's like, I'm not gonna not bring him, but I need a backup. Joey Diaz, I saw him today and we were talking about like... I weaseled him into a corner and he said, oh come on, we might be drunk. Yeah, he didn't like it. But he's coming on. He got off from Crayloods. We'll get him on there He's a great man. I love Joey he wants to see his kid. He wants he's talking nicks with me though He's a big Knicks fan. Oh, yeah, he's but he's the best. I love I love Joey. He's coming out He wants mercy to see Colorado. We'll get him on so he where I said we're bringing you guys out

We do it. You know how, we do Red Rocks. That was, I did two of them, it was unbelievable. It was like a special night. We saw Jimmy Buffett the next night. Wow. What a weekend. We saw Wilco one night, right? Yes, not Jimmy Buffett. Not Jimmy Shrooms. Jimmy Buffett or somebody else?

We saw Buffett. Jimmy Buffett. I have photos of him, I'll plug them in. Can I tell you the thing that bums me out the most is I met Jimmy Buffett, I gave him my number, and then because the internet got my number, I had to change my number. And Jimmy Buffett, I gave him my number, and then because the internet got my number, I had to change my number. And Jimmy Buffett, the week before he died, was trying to text me,

so he was watching my stand-up specials. He told me that, and I went, motherfucker. It breaks my heart, because I'm such a Jimmy Buffett fan. I hung out with him in Key West. Yeah, we went to a show, fucking what's his name, from Comedy Key West got us in, and we were like hanging out. Jimmy Buffett's on his deathbed, he's like, tell Bert, tell Bert. Hang on, hang on. Yeah, yeah, we went to a show fucking what's name from comedy qs got us in The beauty hold on I know you're doing

You say whatever you want let me do it yeah, cuz Whitney Houston our close friends He was wearing shorts he was like my heart's really not in this anymore, and I was like, do you like stand-up? He goes, yeah. This one guy, Burt's been annoying me, and I like, oh my collar, god damn it, it sucks. Hang on, for real, who's your most famous fan? Whitney Houston was in a bathtub, and she was like, we might be drunk.

I just liked your stand-up. My favorite. Like, what's one person that reached out and was like, yo, Ari, it it's RJ or KJ Ray J Ray J Ray J didn't like famous people don't like me. We had a buddy Eddie Brown. Maybe he's the biggest we're Oversharing if you edit out you want but we were at the comedy store and the hip-hop guy was there and I was like I was like, hey, we said came up. Hi

He was like, hey, what's up? I was a you know man. I was there so to see you He's my buddy Ari and he went like this to our unit Oh my god, I was like who's this guy? Yeah, I know it was great. I was like oh nice shirt He goes, thanks, and I was like all right guys being standoffish I'm not gonna say but I'll tell you afterwards, but it was like oh The Kanye he doesn't like your kind I think he likes it. What I don't know I don't know but but yeah I was like it was so crazy cuz I realized cuz then people came up to it was like oh is that guy famous?

And they're like yeah, he's been on your storytelling show. I'm like oh dear. I was gone. Oh the Roy Wood years Yeah, just say it. The dark years. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Literally. Yeah. Wait, who was it?

Jay-Z? It was Talib Kweli. Talib Kweli. Uh, oh. He doesn't like you. I don't know. I was like, nice shirt. He goes, oh, thanks.

He loves comedy. If you're black and you meet Ari, you got to have it. You got to have it. You got to rep. You got to rep. You got to rep. If you love a one love I snoops a close friend of mine. Yeah, but if I see Ari with Snoop, I gotta go Ari walk away

Yeah, walk away. Thanks. These guys I'm not snooping. I'm like Just own me. I'm like look. Don't me. I'm not even Michael. Yeah, I gotta pretend we're not The black is always English at the cellar. I'm like Ari. Who is that? They love a one-time MVP. Oh It's so funny too cuz he was like I saw him and I was like nice shirt He goes, oh, thanks. I got on the road cuz I was out of shirts. I'm like, bro I've been there. You know how many times I didn't know he was I was like, you know How many times I've asked for for like a venue shirt so I could make it through the whole week and he was like what?

Was like no, it's you get a free shirt so you can make it through the whole week and he was like what I was like no it's you get a free shirt so you can make it through the whole week is like oh you have more money than I do it goes yeah well check out Ari's special I'll be an anchorage I hope people enjoyed this dreadful human good friend of ours friend of friend off? We love come see me when you go to the UK. I'd may we'd love to have you Wait are you gonna be there? No I go with you Wow Bert are you fucking kidding drunk? I'm not doing anything Our 15 front of him I'm don't think you start off. Oh, that would be amazing Birmingham I hope he buries you rules region UTA that's his

Dude, let's it's all set up. Let's hang let's step these up a little bit Do double nice in every show I love it hold on this legally every show. I love it. Hold on. This is legally binding here But this is a verbal contract. This is legally I'm done after the two bears 5k in May 4th. I'm done This is in May mid May great pull the dates up. What are you? What are you doing? Well the dates up, but I could use some help in. Pull the dates up. What are you doing? Pull the dates up. I could do some help in Columbus, Ohio coming up if you wanna.

Keep it going, keep going. What do we got? There we go. Pete, what does it look like? We got, okay, Reykjavik, I'm opening. That's already sold out, by the way. It won't be there for Reykjavik. Salford, which I've never heard of,

and I'm excited to go. Cardiff, Bristol, Birmingham, London, and Glasgow. Harry and Glasgow Harry Harry Harry fucking go fast Belfast Dude then back to Rochester. They really Let's do it. I mean we'd love to have you that'd be great. I can all just open and work out Yeah, I don't have any material so that'd be great. That'll be a fucking blast. You know we're gonna party of course Yeah, you got a pan back. What think we're gonna party? Of course. Oh yeah, you gotta pay him back. What else am I doing in UK?

Is he coming to the kids? No. Oh good. Wow, this could be hard though. Old school birdie boy? Old school birdie boy? This could be old school. Let's go to Waterloo.

What else we got, Mag? Pull up some other dates. I got Sam's dates here. Yeah, what else we got? 13th, Milwaukee. No, no, start in fucking Columbus, man. When's this coming out? No, it just comes out on the 13th.

I thought this was coming out this weekend, I this weekend at that Peter stole me April 13th Well, so it's already missed April May May the Stefanos this weekend. Oh, I got you okay, Milwaukee Madison Des Moines st. Louis, Kansas Minneapolis Phoenix San Diego Sacramento SF Portland we had a late show on a Monday please don't make me regret that oh yeah Vancouver Boise Salt Lake sold out and then we got a Denver so yeah I hope I see you guys out Sam Rowe dot com slash shows follow all of us on punch up punch up is this shit yeah

all I got is my story telling shows, just two left in April, just the late show, Monday, late show Tuesday, and then Anchorage, Alaska. Wait, are these before? Those would be before your show, correct? What will be before? His dates. Huh?

Before. I could run a story. His dates will be after my show. My show's in April. Yeah. Secret lineup. Secret lineup. Secret lineup. I'm definitely not on that.

Secret lineup. Will not be on our show. Secret. All lineups are secret. Secretly. Lineup is good. And lastly, Mark and I have a really funny documentary going up on Punch Up Live right now.

Am I in it? Can I get it? Stage two, you might be in it. You're in it. You're in it. You're both in it. I'm in it too. funny documentary going up on punch up live right now You're in it you're in it you're both in it I think so. Yes, you're definitely in it. We'll put a picture of you page to stage Check it out episode 2 Mark tries to write one clean joke. Yes, we do six weeks Seinfeld. Are you Tom Dreeson? What are you a fucking queer? Oh!

You want a clean joke, you ready? Oh, wait. Clean joke, clean joke. I can't wait. Ladies and gentlemen, clean joke from Burk Reiser. I've never heard of it. And I wanna see how quick you guys are, because you're better than I am.

So. Better than everybody. These two are quicker than I am. Milk it more! Don't, quicker than. Milk it more. Don't, don't build it up. What did Mr. T say? Timely reference. After he pushed 50 cent in the pool.

What? I pity the, I pity the cent, I pity the pool. I pity the pool. I pity the poolity this a pity to pull There we go, you're better than I am all right, all right ready Joke ready. All right Let's make this the game So I made I wrote this in a hot tub high and it made me laugh so hard

All right, but I didn't no one got it got it. And then I wrote it in my joke book. And then I didn't get it until I got it. I got you. Okay. I wanna do a Prince cover band called Prince Harry. I do not. We'll cut that. Just like that folks, We had a great week

Because he's not the real prince. He's the second Like That wasn't bad We love you guys waterloo drink poor Osos. We love Burt go see his new special go see Ari's new special I'll just go see them both on tour two of our favorites Yes a privilege. I mean we see Ari all the time. We never see birds This is a treat and we love you and and we'll see you next week. We love you guys. Yeah, we might be hammered A bit of Piva Rec you know the future's close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope

And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true