We Might Be Drunk - Alex English & Jared Freid w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

Alex English and Jared Freid join Mark and Sam to talk about Alex’s time at SNL, Jared’s new Netflix special, disastrous drunken comedy sets, hair transplants, GLP-1s, WikiFeet, moving to Florida, and witnessing the Malice at the Palace. Plus, Alex opens up about growing up gay in Detroit, moving to New York, coming out, and finding his voice in comedy. Sponsored by: Get 20% off your first Willie’s orderhttps://www.drinkwillies.com — code WMBD Get 60% off your first Smalls order, plus free shipping and free treats for lifehttps://www.smalls.com/drunk Get personalized treatment options from Himshttps://www.hims.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #AlexEnglish #JaredFreid #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, we might be drunk. We got Big Al English here. Big. What's nice? What's up? White pants. Bad for spotting. No.

Come on. I've been coming to the cellar in all white outfits lately. And Liz has been like... Leftover from the ditty parties? Yeah, I'm just exactly what you did. What the fuck is this? Or Kanye. Yeah.

What's up? Hey, you look good. Thank you. Yeah. We've been wanting to have you on you. The last guy who drinks in this town. Am I really? Well, it feels like it.

Sometimes a little too much. You get sloppy sometimes. I will say Sam has seen me at my worst. But you're a funny sloppy drunk. What was the next morning like? He paid for breakfast. Hey, all right, all right. Not bad.

Well, I have Sam as long as I remember we did this outdoor show. I felt like I told you before. I don't know. It was during the pandemic. We were doing some outdoor show on like Greenpoint. And at the time I had been hooking up with this dude. And he had mentioned. We were talking about you.

I think he was like a fan of like senior, had seen your stuff. And so we hooked up maybe like twice. So the guy that I was hooking up with ended up at the show and the audience outdoors with me that being Sam were both on. And when I left, he, the guy I was hooking up with, DM'd me and it was like my friend that came with me, another guy guy, he was like, Sam were real would totally suck his dick.

Oh, yeah. Damn. All right. That's nice. You got slurred down with the lady. Hey. You got one. I got one.

You got one. Yeah. I get some gay DMs. You do? I get a lot of dicks throwing them in. Do you get pictures, think? I do. I hate when straight dudes get on, because I don't really be ever getting this.

Really? I'll forward them to you. Because I don't need them. But they're always better than my dick, which is always a bummer. Well, you know. It's like coming home with, like, French money or something. Yeah. I could get, I don't know what I do with this.

with this. It's pesos. I don't know. I mean, I have recently been trying to put myself in like the Mateo Lane. Oh, well. Because what a sex symbol, you know. Pull up some picks. I just, you know. He's too hot. It's throwing me off. And I can only imagine what Mattio's DMs look like. Oh, I went in there once. And I, yeah, yeah, it's just like it's, it's, I want that type of. That here's your future, Mark. That's you, buddy. I can't believe, I can't help but look at you and just be like, What is underneath there? I'll show you off camera. It's bad.

It looks like your ass after a long night. It's all mangled and wet and shiny. Look at this, son of it. That's what I'm talking about. Like, I need to take more pictures like that because I'm in the gym. I'm not like, I'm not on my tail's level whatsoever. But every now and again, I'll hop on the stories and, you know, put the picture out with the shirt list and, like, you know, the link to the show. And do you get a lot of DMs from that?

No, I still don't really have a lot of, like, I don't even have, like, a lot of, like, gay dudes. that come to my shows like what what's your audience y'all I'm a big fan I love your stuff I get a lot of white guys and I love it or I'll get I've gotten this recently I'll get like a straight table with straight dudes and then one gay guy oh that's always he brought them all well I that's that's I asked they'll be like yeah he saw you on a podcast he's like you got to come see this guy right right but that's I like I appreciate that too because that kind of mirrors my life anyway I'm sitting with As a straight guy, I watch your act, and it doesn't feel like, oh, he's a gay comic. It's just good jokes.

Thank you. And that's why I like it. Thank you. So we never talk. Shots fired at other gay comics listening. You gay comics. Every comic, like the fat guy is like, I'm a fat guy. Like, if it's your whole thing, then I get bored.

Totally. You know, well, see, this is the thing. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here to share this with you guys. I think we always just joke around when we see each other. Wait a man, let me take my prep. This episode is going on OnlyFan. You know, because I came around in 2012, right?

So I, like, I showed up in New York when, like, y'all were like, I kind of called y'all, like, the white boys. Y'all were, like, the white boys running around New York. They used to call us the seller whites. Y'all were y'all. It was, like, YouTube list. There was a human list, yeah. YouTube list. Cellar.

Yep, Mike Warrant. All y'all were kind of like popping off and like, you know, showing up on YouTube everywhere when I'm still like looking for stage time somewhere. Sure. So y'all would walk into like even like, you know, like Che is another white boy. You know what I mean? I get it. Y'all existed and kind of came up in that same time when I was just getting started.

So I would do or just go to a hangout at bar shows and then here y'all come, y'all walking in, not even booked. And then you'd be like, oh, Norman wants to do like five real quick. or even the open mics, you would sometimes pop up at mics. And we'd be like, oh, okay, I guess I'm getting bumped at the fucking open mic. Now I can't win with this motherfucker in town. Sure, sure. But it was cool to see y'all, you know, kind of, even like Kevin Barnett and Germain, like, all of you know.

We're like running around. And I was just like, if I can at least get to the level where at that time, I was like, if I can at least get to a level where I can walk into a random show and they'd be like, Alex is here. Then I feel like it's getting. You'll get there someday, though. But hey, you got to SNL, baby. Yeah. That was a big accomplishment.

It was cool. You know what? It happened really at the craziest time because I also got passed at the seller like a month or two before that. So I was like geeked about that. Yeah. And I was cool with letting that be like, all right, this is my year. I'm at the cellar every night, whatever. And then SNL showed up and I was just like, I guess I'm guess I'm just going to have to. What was the process for getting hired for that? So it took me. I had

back like the year 2019 I had submitted my very first packet and I got like no response. Then the second year it wasn't through it was like my I had gotten agents by like 2020 so then I got like a direct link to get them to get them

to get them to look at a packet. So I just kept doing it I just kept doing the package I was like whatever if they keep asking me obviously that just means that I'm still sort of somewhere in their mind. Yeah. So during the pandemic season I had gotten to like the Zoom audition I just pinned me so Zoom audition

with like the producers and it was cool but they only hired like one person out of that so the third time I did it and I also like auditioned so I auditioned and submitted the packet

and they were like we want to bring me on as a writer so it was cool but then three years later did you audition stand up or were you auditioning what? I tried to do some sort of characters

and it just I was like you should have just done stand-up What do you remember a character with? you get your kill on you. You don't have the right build. Yeah, yeah. We got to hear it.

They make suits. They get Jackie weapon and they can do anything there. What did he sound like? It's good to be on. It's truly the same as just like my straight guy voice. It's good to be here on you or we might be drunk. Every last word has to sort of stop before it ends. It doesn't really fully pronounce the very last word.

It's what I noticed. But they were like, Kenan already does this. Just go right. We don't need that. So I spent three years doing that when it kind of pulled me out of the seller in a way that I'm looking now. Everybody at S&L is actually going up. I'm like, damn, I didn't do that right. I could have still like committed myself to doing stand up a little more than I did.

I just felt a little pressure to like be present in that. building and just like learn it so much that it kind of took me away from stand-up and develop in my act so by the time we would be on hiatuses i'd be like damn what are my jokes i'll be forgetting my sets and shit i'm like damn i'm fucking up totally so you know fast forward three years later i get you know i get the you know nice nice knowing you and i get about it there and literally the day how do they fire you well they don't really say anything directly to you like they call your reps and your reps call you and they're like and i tell you exactly where i was i was walking down 7th Avenue South for some reason I was like near I was like in the west village area

and my manager calls me he's like they didn't renew your contract I was like all right yeah so I just kind of just walked all the way back to my apartment to lower east out where I was living and then was just like all right what are we going to do and the first thing I did then that the night of was just going to the cellar and I saw it it was a Friday too much you worked out that shack impression I'm working into the act I did it for SD yeah but I came I came I came I sat next to her, I was just like, got the boot, no longer, no longer, no longer, and she was just like, well, you're back home.

I'm like, yes, exactly. There we go. I was like, this is what I should have just been. So it was the first place I went back to me. Ever since then, it's just been like, oh, it's been so nice to just go and be at the club, do y'all think, go home. It's kind of like being married to a supermodel.

You know it's not gonna last, but you gotta do it just to do it, and then when she divorces you're like, well, this is about right. And it really is a time, it sucks up, time. I was in a relationship throughout like the

last like the last like season that I was there. I was in a relationship and I remember my ex being like you were getting ready to get dumped a few times while you were working there. So he was sort of like relieved that I had even got fired because he was like it was tough dating you

while you were there. I was going through it. It is tough doing this when whoever you're dating is kind of rooting against career stuff. I know. I know. Because I'm seeing a woman now and I was like this movie might be. could push back and she's like turned in smiles like don't fucking do that don't root against me i got i got them back she knew i'd have more time in the city after this tour days and i was like you can't

you can't root against me yeah yeah she's like you're right you're right relationship in like any like stand-up or just like even that job is like it really is a challenge because the job really so because especially if you like live with someone and like my ex like had a job that was like you know eight to six nine to five you know so it you know we were living together and at one point it was like you know I'm coming in at whatever time for him or whatever waking him up the dog's barking I'm like I can't my sleepbook I'm like this this this might not work right what I do and it's always like I really don't love being text this is what I learned about myself in my last relationship I don't love being told or being asked what time are you

coming back like I hate I'm with you excuse me I'm a lone wolf baby Get off my ass. And I get it. That's like communicating with your partner. Sure, sure. But I'm like, I'm drunk at a bar. Yeah.

I get it though. I don't know when I'm coming out. Love the other part is there is such a selfishness to doing what we do. Sometimes I want to wander. Sometimes I want to take a stroll and just zap out, you know. But I think if you're a gay comic, you kind of got it better because, you know, it should be better at least. Not every gay guy is the same.

But like most of gay guys, especially ones that aren't couples that I know, are like, Yeah, I just let him do whatever and he'll probably be back. That's heaven. But that's usually like open relationships. Yeah. Which I think that might be my next pathway. I don't know, dude. You don't see it for me?

I just don't know if it's sustainable. Sustainable. I mean, my fair gay guy, I think it's a little easier. Maybe. Yeah, man, I just don't think there's ever a world or a moment in my life where I don't want to fuck some new dude. I don't know. It's just I just love, like I was at a club. I hear you.

I mean, what? It's a new medication I'm on. I was at a club. Although Mark does look like a gay guy in the 80s right now. Right now, yeah. Prusin. Prusin.

Which are already frucois shirt. I was at a club a couple weeks. Walmart paid for this. Sorry, sorry. No, I was at the, I was at the, at a left this gay club a couple weeks ago. And literally, I think, that someone interested. introduced the two of us, there was just some guy, oh my God, you do look exactly like that. In fact, it was so wide around the side of your head that I was like, what, is this like a toy?

I can't touch besides. I look like Lord Helmut and space. So you got to sleep like this, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm like a vampire. Cork style. Corpse, full on. But no, I went to a club a couple of weeks ago and I said hello, truly said hello to this dude. He said hello back, and after that we just married up.

Oh, this is what I'm talking about. I haven't had that happen in such a long time where that's the, you haven't said, it's a handshake. It's a gay handshake. That's heaven. Gay dudes as adults live like high schoolers at house parties. Yeah, but even easier than that. You can just cook. Well, they also call that the arrested development.

Peter Pan syndrome, which I think, you know, gay men do suffer from that, especially if you're, like, older, like, all these elder, like, gay guys who didn't really get to, like, be gay for real. Then that's where, you know, a lot of them like to hook up with 20-year-olds and when they're like in their 60s and shit. And it's just like, well, yeah, man, y'all didn't let them be 20 gay guys when they were like. But then there's some gay guys, you know, who's like, yeah, I've been doing this. I've been second dick since 1970, whatever. And we love Rick Crone. Have you all seen his documentary? No.

He has a documentary that I came across on YouTube a few months ago. And it basically is also telling like the beginning of the seller. in a way that I didn't even know. Wow. I've heard it's a good dog. And there's a lot of, like, cameos and a lot of like cool people show up in it. And I'm like, oh shit, Rick really like started this shit in a way that I had. We got a shit, Rick's a comic at the cell.

It's called Old Rick. Okay. I mentioned to him when I saw him not too long ago, I was like, this documentary rocks. Somebody like should like buy this. Oh, I'll watch that. It's really good. Yeah, Burr shows up in it and everything. I was very taken by it.

Wow. Okay. Yeah. How the hell did you find this? I was, you know, I mean, I don't know, but y'all's algorithm on YouTube book like, but there's a lot of comedy and like real housewives shit on mine, basically. Holy shit, that's young Rick? No, that might be a host.

That might be somebody, but there he is. He used to basically, just like, when the seller first started, he was out here just like on the keys, doing big bits and warming the audience up and everybody up. It's a really good documentary. I truly recommend it to everybody who's curious about the origins of New York stand. Alex, going backwards. Are you a Gold Star gay? Gold, remind me, Gold Star is that I've never been with a woman before. No, I'm not actually.

I can tell you on hand, I've eaten five vaginas in my life. Wow. Five. Only inserted my penis inside of two. Okay. So two out of the five. You know you're out of whack, but sure. And that wasn't for you?

That wasn't for you? What wasn't for me? Any of that stuff? No. I mean, you kept going back. I kept going back. See, and this is my theory. Five.

This is my theory. Judy Gold. My theory is that, uh, I question. maybe am I gay or had I have I just not had the right pussy or not or all of it just bad. Speaking of right. Speaking of right. Yeah.

Yeah. What's shaking? Yeah. The people watching the listener are like, thank God it was getting real gay. Oh. That was hard. Look at the pants. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Oh, look at that before Labor Day. Yeah. Let me just give you a heads up. I got the hair surgery. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

That was, you were never a not hair guy to me. Huh? You weren't like, I wouldn't think of you as being. I'm getting ahead of it. I'm getting ahead of it. Is this like a Hollywood thing? Is this like a camera thing? I guess a career thing.

I didn't want to be bald. I'd look dumb bald. The curly hair bald can be tough. Curly hair is bad as bald. Yeah, that's, well, then you've got to go full Larry David. Exactly. Exactly. See, you got a great head of lettuce.

Hair is, you know, that's something that I got lucky with. That is. What's the body hair situation like? I have the shape of a Phoenix rising on my chest. I go for a backwax. Whoa. Monthly backwax. All right, so the podcast is still pretty good.

No, I, it's funny you say that. Yeah? I was on, I have like a burner account on Twitter because. Why would you do that? Well, because my old Twitter account got hacked by like some Japanese company. So it was around when, it was right around when Elon bought it. So I just like. tried to email the people to get it back

and nobody got back to me. None of these companies have customer service. I was just like, I want my account back. But then I was just like, fuck it. It's partly best that I don't have it anymore. But I still was like kind of itching. Like I kind of made my Twitter a little bit. So I opened up, you know, a new account.

And today I scrolled on to a Twitter account that this guy does back waxing and also ass like a billion on men. Pull it up. So he's waxing men's butts. But after he's, after he's done, he eats the butt. He has sex with the guy. Full service.

I couldn't tell you what the name of it is. I don't know. The ending. But it just showed up on my morning. Stop it before the end. It showed up on my morning, you know, porn squirrel. I was imagining someone coming in there

and just being like, okay, I got to get moving real quick. Forget about the wax. How about the guy was like, I found a hair in my food? That means he didn't do his job. Yeah, exactly. So does that count as, like,

not being a hooker? Like, is that not sex work if you're like, I'm doing something else? No, it's sex work, for sure. I think it's like his only fans thing. Would Jed York be able to do that? Yeah, man, I don't know. Wow, it won't even let us open it up. Alexia, your site is too fucked up.

Enter your phone number. Oh, it's over. So you guys didn't catch what Jared just mentioned is the 49ers owner, right? Yeah. 49ers owner went to a trailer. It was, well, he got caught in a sting. He literally went online to go get a blow job from someone. And they were like, come to this trailer park, $160.

That's a steal. But that should be your first sign. Pussy should not cost $160. But it's a trailer. But it wasn't pussy. What was it? Mouth. Oh, guy blowjohn.

I wonder what's the going rate? What's the going rate for like, you know, an entry-level sex worker these day? $68. Because $69. Free-full-offal with the seller. The Jed York thing is like it's pretty wild. Like it's just like, why do you? You need this? Is this the kink?

Is this being able to do this? Well, he's super rich, so maybe he likes trailer part checks. I don't know. It's like Cosby. He could get laid. It's the kink is the passing out. I don't know if he could get laid. I don't know if we can call it a kink. I'm like, huh? Feet is a kink.

Drugging women can't be a kink. You said he could get laid. It's a crime that is something you're after something. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. There's a twist. I'm just like, I get what you're saying. market he could causeby could fuck because he's on TV but look at him even back then

I'm like he needs to drug women again no come on I would have blown Cosby young Cosby oh yeah Huxible Cosby even blind Cosby you fucking blind Cosby too you're not pretend it's Delores

you're not looking his butt after a after a waxing after oh that butt imagine what that whole look like oh that's a lot of Jello pudding He's a full sweater back in. I still can't believe you got the hair transplant. I just got it over with.

Did you American one or go to Turkey? I did it here. I did Mateo. You fuck Mateo. Yeah. Waxed his ass and it. So you get it. See you getting the list, dude.

Wow, that's a new one. Soder, Mateo, Hamel. Same guy. Same guy. Two-year waiting list. Yeah, he's good. Mark is nine months away from having an Eliza Manelli impersonation. I'm the only pussy who still work.

All these guys took a month off. They took a month off. So you're going on the road with, let me see. I'll see you later. It's going to horrible. Because even the way you're wearing the hat, I know it's like a... Obvious. Yeah.

The hat has to be out on the sides and up. Well, it would be obvious. If you didn't say anything, I wouldn't have said, I wouldn't have. You never really wear hats. That's true. You walked in? I was like, what you're doing with a hat on? I thought you were someone else when I first walked up.

Oh, weird. I will be soon. Yeah, you said... Well, it's weird to see the shaved like that around the head. And I got a bad man. mold out there. A good friend of my went to Turkey and did it and he was like they only knock you out like a

numb your head. Yeah. And he said these two nurses were just like smoking cigarettes above him while doing this and he said the funniest part was that when you get to Turkey it's all these like cocky dudes. Like it's a full flight of men who are like, I'm about to get my groove

back. And he said on the way out they have all lost all confidence. They just have their hair wrapped. And they all sitting. They can't They came rest up here, so they got to sit a certain way here, all bandaged up. I love those pictures of those guys on the flight from back home. Yeah. With the bandages, collective bandages, all just like in economy.

Different mood on that flight. Oh, my God. Give it a few days, fellas. Yeah. Well, good for you. That's great. Hey, thanks, thanks. That's just surprised.

I never thought. That's the thing you think of certain people as hair people. That's the ultimate compliment. I didn't even know you need it. I actually use some of your back hair. Right. To put it. And they say the best.

time to get plastic surgery is before you need it. That's what they told me. That's like the, you know, that's like the Reese Witherspoon of it all. Like, how do you look good as you age, how do you age well? You do little by little. You don't want to be caught at the end. You know, it's like, you don't

want to go do your act. You know, oh, we're going to take the special. I got a week to work. Right. Get ahead of it. Bad special. Like Salacuse is fucked. Would you guys, would you guys ever do any cosmetic stuff? I need to. I need, I need to, I need to take a little trip my damn self.

You're okay. You're okay. That's because I buzz it. So that they kind of just like, but all up here. I need a little, you know, I need a little touch up in the front.

You know, a little bit of a lot of James. Yeah, I need, it's getting there. It's getting there. People, that's why, like,

I'll do like a taping for something. And I'll be like, do not turn your back at any moment to the audience trying to do. It's just so like, ugh. But I also don't. I tried to go bald

during the pandemic once. And I didn't hate it, but I was just like, it changes a lot. Yeah. So I'm just not ready to be like a gay black dude that's bald with a beard. Then you really just like gay unk. Like you're just a real true unc in a shoes.

That's the old gay look? I truly looked like I looked bald. I looked like every older gay guy I used to hit on me when I was like 20. Whoa. I was like, I don't want to be him yet. It comes to you fast. It does. I'm on a GLP1, which is like that's the same.

To me that comes from the same place. Yeah. A little bit. But then when I got on the GLP one, I was like it's changed. what I think of it. Like, it's not a... I don't think of it as a weight loss drug as much as, like, an ADD medication.

Really? Yeah. Like, because I'm realizing that my issues with food was, like, brain stuff. Uh-huh. And when you take the GLP1, like, the idea that I'm, like,

injecting and then all the fat is melting off my... Sure. That's not what's happening. No. No. I'm eating in a way that feels human now. Got it. Interesting.

Oh, your drunk order might be the craziest. Like, it was like three bagel sandwiches or something. Wait, what? We read it here. Last time I came on, I brought like 30 recommendations. Yes. And then I got, you know, I kept reading the comments. People were like, we get it.

You eat a lot. So you've gone with it back big time. I haven't drank in more than a year. What? You were like these. You're right. I'm the last person that drinks in this city. Are you guys drinking?

I still drink. I took a month off and then just kept it going. And like I feel good. Here's the thing. it's like the sleep is better it's all the old guys shit sleep is better I feel better

I don't have anxiety as much and then like I was like do I need this in my life and then you know food tastes better I'm going out to dinner how did you do it how did you kick it ultimately

I wanted to see if I could do a month I think once you get to the end of the month and then I was at a wedding and I'm with all my buddies from college wedding is tough wedding I was like I'll do it the goal was get to the wedding just to make sure I could do it And then when I was like, okay, this feels like I might, I feel good about this, I could do it?

And then I was like, do I want to keep it going? Like, is this, is this necessary for me? Do I feel good enough without it? And I got to say non-alcs, one non-out gets me there, the feeling of like having the beer. And I just haven't. And I remember my dad, it started because my dad and I played golf and he goes, what would make you feel better if you did it for a month? And I was like, okay, Danny Tanner. this big speech.

I was like, I could probably go off a month off of drinking. And I was like, but I'm going to Rochester, and I got to drink in Rochester. You got to. And then I was like, I'm going to Nashville at the end of the month. I was like, that's a fun place. I can't not drink in Nashville. That's the thing is like... There's a fucking walking fish tank. There's a reason to drink everywhere.

Right. Like, you're like Ann Arbor. I got to drink in Ann Arbor. It's either good or bad wants to drink. Totally. Quite literally a college town. Like, yeah, I'm going to drink. And that's the point where you go, well, if I can't not do it there.

And if every scenario needs drinking, then I have to be able to not drinking everything. Yeah. So then I just took the, and then I'll never forget my dad, like a month after I got, a month after that whole thing, he's like, are you still not drinking? I go, yeah, he goes, I thought I was going to kill two birds with one stone. I thought, you know, I got you to stop drinking, but

you haven't lost any weight. Oh, yeah. What replaced the alcohol? Oh, food. Food is, you go out for great. Even with the GLP one? I'm still enjoying food. The GLP one, you don't enjoy food thing? overrated. But the portions are smaller. Portions are smaller. The

extracurricular eating has taken out. I think like the, you could have the breakfast burrito and not have the chips that come with it. All the stuff I didn't care to eat, but would eat, it felt like it took care of that for me, which I'm like, listen, I am like

they should be paying me. Like I am Mr. Giel. I am so in favor of it. Really? I think it's the best drug ever. Whoa. You and Serena Williams. That's a dinner. Two athletes. A couple of athletes just getting on the drugs. And my parents are on it.

Both have beat women. That was right there. He never beat a woman. Just a joke. No, I had to slow down. Sam, Sam, you mentioned it earlier. You were like, yeah, Alex, you'd be getting wild. Yeah, I heard a story at Zaney.

I was going to talk about it. I was going to talk about it. I was going to talk about it. Chicago? This is the moment. Oh, I heard that one. You've heard about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because everybody, oh, God. We talked about it on here. So, all right, so. He was a loose. I was real. It was too much. Okay, so. He ate a man's ass.

That would have been the last. He wishes, yeah. Versus what happened. So, so like, okay, so it happened this January. It was this year, or this year. So. Hard time to be in Chicago in the defense. Very cold.

I was taking the gig. So this was the second time in a row, second year in a row where they asked me to come pull up, like, at the start of the new year in January. All right. The first, the last year. had great weekend, great weekend because I did Nashville Zanis and then they

were like, oh, go do Chicago A-SAP. So I was like, okay, let's do it. Another town where you're like, I got a drink. You got a drink. That winter and the winter. Like a fun drink. Mallort.

What? Malort. All right. All right. Everyone's pushing it on. I know. And January is a dry month for a lot of people. So you coming in guns blazing like that.

So Jay, this is what happened. So the whole weekend, Thursday, Friday, and even like the first Saturday, shows, great. Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect show. This last show, okay, so my Saturday last show, last show, last year I wrote on a new barbershop show that's coming out on Amazon. The series that's got like Germain following them. So they filmed the show in Chicago. They were rapping the same, they had the rap party the same night as my last show. So the cast, Germain, Ponky, all of them were like, all right, we come into your last show. We come

into your final shows after we lead a party. So I'm like, okay, cool. We do a, The first, I do the first show, great. So like the whole weekend, my green room was basically just me and my host in the feature because I was just chilling. I was working. It's funny when comics talk about the last show, we sound like those cops that are going to retire. Like one more, I got one more. Meanwhile, it's been three days.

I deserve to get blackout drunk. It's been three nights. I've worked hard enough. Yeah. So usually when I'm going to retire, I'm going to get my girl. A gold watch. Right. I needed parental supervision at this point.

Oh, boy. But usually when I'm on the road, when I'm doing a club, like, all these bartenders there, and they know me, I'm like, I keep it professional. I'll have, like, a drink or two that bring the drink up with me on stage, and I'm kicking it with them the whole hour. In this case, the first show went well, but then the cast is showing up for the second show. And they've all been partying, celebrating barbershop. So they all upstairs with me while, like, the second show is coming through it, and they are, like,

Ponkey's ordering shots, another cast was ordering shots, and I've already had, like, my first too. And I was gonna kick it. But the cast was like, there you go, there you go, there you go. And they just got off a set. So they're like, we had nothing to wake up for tomorrow. Yeah. So I, I let the hosting feature, they go up. And I also let Punky, you know, do a little time to get, you know, she's going to do her thing. And from what I was told, Jermaine told me this, he said, Punky was like dropping like mad effort. bombs and like kind of doing her wild lesbian shit and there were like some gay black dudes in the back who were pissed what so the vibe so even punky told me at some point like she could feel like she might have like

she might have like kind of messed them up a little bit before it was time for me to go on mf bombs is in the slur the slur okay oh you can say it on here well yeah she was just staying fagg faggagg fagg and left the right which is what she says you can say it once she said it's my word okay notice i said three for each one you know what I mean Mark is so jealous that you can say both those words. You got them all. Wait, what's the other one? Come on, don't make me.

No, I, so, so mind you, I've now had, I'm like, when I tell y'all, it was time for me to get on stage, and I don't even truly remember the first. Oh, my God. The way you're telling this is like you don't remember. I truly don't. And all I remember is at some point kind of looking to my left down at my left, saying something that I know like a joke that I have in the crowd just being disgusted. I think what I was told was that I had repeated. I was repeating.

I've done that. That's a bitch. And I just was like busy and sort of black half blacked out. And like I literally had to get like the host in the future. What I was told after a show, never a good way to start the sentence. I was informed. I remember walking off stage and like just them, the audience is like being upset with you.

And so I like left, went straight to the hotel, like passed out. My flight was the next day. So I literally got like booed out of Chicago. Oh my God. Well, it's funny that the repeating the joke thing is like such a, you think you would never see it. Such a nightmare. But it's a drunk on stage thing.

And when you see it, you kind of have that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, I open for. You ever see the Don Gavin? Yeah. He had like a save for it. Really?

He would go... He's such a drunk. He would get drunk. But Don, but hilarious. The godfather of comedy would go on stage. He goes, did I repeat a joke? The record's 11. So he has a save.

At least he was of sound mind to be able to even get there. Well, that's how professional of a drinker he was. It's no professional and unprofessional. You start writing for the bomb. You start writing for the problem. You already know it's going to. happen. That's why he's one of the greatest. So I had to get on the phone

with Buff because even like, you know, Robbie who's the manager there, like, he's cool as shit. And so he even called me and was like this net, I mean, because I don't have like a reputation for, you know, mistreating that's why we're giving you shit. That's why it's funny. I know, I fucked up. You know, so and I just like hate that. So I did, I called them, I called Robbie

I talked about it with him. I had to call like the general man, the head dude of Zanis to be like Hey, dog, like, and I can see. So such a stupid career. I had to talk to the board Zane I like With a red nose I also

Mr. Zanis please I had to like You know Hat and hand Just like I Apologize But I could sense At the end of the phone call

That like he still was somewhat Not thrilled about And I just But they were But what I really respected And was like really happy about Were that like Everybody was just like

Are you okay? Because I also was getting DMs From people being like hey dude as a gay fan of yours I used to also suffer from substance abuse I'm like well hold on it ain't dang I'm not drinking myself to sleep every night but it says dot and even then I never

fucked up my job like you just did let's see you did get some DMs after all yeah so outreach yeah I was getting outreach but no I just you know I got to have a good time but that was just one moment where I was like oh I had a super lapse in judgment even when just like my like I wasn't blaming on anybody

because I knew I fucked up and I've all been there. That's no. I did that three, I repeated a joke three times at a place called Star Bar in Atlanta. They had a drink. Oh, yeah.

It was $5 for a shot of Yeager and a glass of like whiskey and Coke or something crazy. And I had like five, six of them. Repeated a joke, the punchline was, it was a shopping cart. On the third time, I did the pause and some guy yells out,

it was a shopping cart. So he did my bit to me. And that's what I was like, I might have a problem. The thing is we work at these places and you become friendly with the bartending. And they become friendlier. Then they think it's like a fun game to like, oh, you like double vodka's in a pine glass. So I'll fill, you know, let me get you going.

And you're like, I don't need this at all. The pint glass is a problem. I was a big pint glass. Liz at the comedy cellar, the manager, Liz, always sipping martinis out of a pint glass. I'm like, you're a savage. I love it, though. I love it. I indulge you ain't leaving well.

You're stumbling out of dollars. I love a good martime. You watered down pretty quick like that big glass. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It will work against you. You lose your pace. You are straight up drinking,

but they think they're hooking you up, but you're ruining my night. I get them for free either way. Exactly. So we could go slow on this. I've gotten stellar sets of mine or I like watched them and I'm like, who bitch,

you did a little too much. I thought this was a one-time thing, Alex. What the hell? I'm not blacked out repeating jokes, but you're literally like, I notice like, like, when you get the McDougal sets, I love watching, because I'm like, you are such a bane bitch, me talking to myself, because that mirror is so distracting. It's very distracting.

I don't like it. People don't know that like the seller McDougal room, they, there's a mirror right there that you're, you're basically looking at yourself every time you look ahead if you're not looking. I have to always be kind of. I don't think I've ever looked at. I don't ever seen it. I'm always like kind of adjusting myself.

Oh, I'm the same way. Fixing myself. I'm like, I should be looking at these people. I'm like, I can't. I can't believe I'm doing, showing, stretching my traps. While the set is going on, I'm like, let me just make sure. I got a comment the other day, Mark, put your shoulders down. Because I'm always like, comedy.

Yeah, you're right, I do do that. So I always try to lower them. I've definitely told people, like, you go through phases where you have a few too many drinks early on and comedy. And I'm like, no, I'm like, I'm better drunk. And some guy was like, you think so? No, no. Like you're not. You're chasing a dragon.

You're trying to get this mix of like, food and booze and being tired that you can't replicate. No. It's lose. If you can't listen to the set because you know, you're skipping. You're like, ugh. I truly, I was like, y'all don't have to send me those takes. From Zanese, I was like, I don't need you.

I'm going to see the one file that I'm like, is too short. If someone does ever have an intervention for you, they'll like, bring out the tank. You know what they say? Show him. Like, show him himself in a meltdown. A meltdown, not meltdown. Saturday late show, Zanis, now. But I do, I do owe Zanis in some, a show, in some way.

I do, and I do want to put that out there. They'll have you back. Yeah, but they go take a little break. Hearing about it a week later. Oh, yeah. They were hearing about it. I heard about it. I had other comics who were like, I went to Chicago, I heard you was out there.

Crazy. I'm like, oh, no. Did I tell you guys the story? Like, I went to the comedy works, and I had the whole weekend sold out. So I was like, give me the. give me the buyout for the hotel and they're like we have this the condo and I'm like and it was my first time there and I'm adding a six shows I was like what am I going to say the condo everyone loves the condo and I didn't want to sound like I was like above it so I was like I'll take the condo and I got there and I was like fuck this place I was like there's no more moisturizer they don't have ESPN like I don't turn the TV have ESPN have ESPN playing at all times so there's no garbage can I was like And I did, I got done with the weekend and I, and the only reason I was mad because I was like, I wanted to get a nicer hotel.

Like I wanted to do my own thing. The end of the weekend, I taped a podcast, my Patreon and I did like a half hour. Oh, no. About the condo. It's like going on about there should be snacks. Like if you're going to make me stay here or not a hotel, the fridge should be full, which I still believe in. And then I get down with the podcast. It's the 30 minute podcast.

30 minutes later, I get a DM from the Comedy Works. being like, hey man, I'm a Patreon subscriber. I'm so sorry about the place. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I go, I hope you, I was just making fun of the scenario. I'm not really mad. I wasn't mad. Weeks go by.

I'm getting, like, Saifa, Saifa sounds is like, dude, they're talking about it. There's a woman, there's a manager there who's like, who the hell is Jared free? What kind of a man needs moisturizer? And like the word, like they all listen

do it and then they're like, and I saw Yamanika. Yamanica's like, who, they don't like you there. Everyone you want to hear that from is Yamanika. She's like, oh my God. And she gave me the same speech of Saiva. They keep wondering what kind of a man needs moisturized. I'll second that. I don't like that condo.

Yeah. What? Really? As far as condos go. It's a good condo. I don't want to stay in the condo. I want to stay in the hotel. I'd rather have a tiny-ass hotel room with clean sheets.

Yeah. They shame you into it. Yeah. It's close. It was close, but I was in there with Veter, and the walls don't go up. So I'm hearing his dumb little footsteps every morning. I had to hear Sean Patton fucking a fat chick in there. It was brutal.

It was Yomenica. No. Well, they also have that porch that has no hot tub. It's just a porch that people are throwing trash on it. Who do you? Hugh Heffner? It's supposed to take, if you're going to do the condo and tell someone who's selling tickets for you, hey, this is a better option, you need to make it a better shot.

That's a good point. Do what hotels can't. Yeah. Fill up the fridge. I love the club. I'm a hotel guy. I shouldn't have to go to CVS to fill up my amenities for the room I'm standing. Right.

But there's a pinball machine, boys. Whoa. It's all things that in like the 90s when like there was no internet. Yeah. Couldn't like find a play. It meant it was for a time, I'm sure. Yeah. People were like, whoa, the pinball machine, I'll have something to do.

It's great if you're Tom Hanks in the movie big. That's what it is. an adult who's got work to do this weekend. I got to make sure I'm sleeping. I got to make sure I'm yeah so I'm hotel all the way even if it's the shitty hotel. I also do the buy I do buyouts everywhere. I don't care if I'm getting the same thing. I want the points.

Oh, the points. Like that's a bonus. Good point. I want the points. I want my bonvoy. Let's just and they're like we'll give you 75 bucks a night. Fine. That's what it is. I'll go and if it's a hundred bucks a night and I'm happier. Good point. Well, I fucked up with that condo because my first time there, I was a young, broke comedian,

and I got to stay in this condo where I'm used to living in Bushwick with bedbugs and eight roommates. So I'm in this condo, like, this is heaven on earth. Oh, my God. So I'm trying to look cool to Colin Quinn on Monday at the cellar. And I'm like, condo's amazing. He's like, really condo? I'm like, I'm telling you, get the condo.

So he got the condo. He calls me that day, and he goes, fuck you. What am I doing here? This is a place. There's an arcade game in here. Well, Colin's 60. I know, but I was so broken. delusional.

Oh, dude. This is heaven on her. Dude, I did the same thing to Marina Frank. When you're a young comic, just being in a hotel is cool. I was like, oh my God, a hotel. I was in this fucking,

it was in like, what was that club? Laughs in Kirkland. It wasn't even in Seattle. I was in Kirkland, like a suburb, and they put you up in this fucking used to be a pizza hut.

Crackhead motel. Yeah. Which literally, it's a motel with like, you know, at one point a fucking, some guy I meth or something literally passed out against my window. Like I opened the thing.

I was like, that's fucking scary. So, but other than that, I was like, well, there's a waffle place across the street. This is great. I'm in a hotel. And I remember Marina Franklin, a woman hits me up and is like, is this hotel good? And at the time, I was like, yeah, it's cool. There's a waffle place across the thing.

And she called me and she's like, you stayed here? She was horrified. But at the time, I was like, I must have been 23 or 24. I was like, this is incredible. Yeah, exactly. That's what I was going through. Luckily for me, like any position, any sort of situation where they were like trying to offer me a condo, I'm just like, I'll just find some gay dude to sleep over with places like near the. I did the same thing. I'm not even gay. I just, I want it to feel safe.

Grindr was very beneficial to me early on my stand-up career because I would get, you know, I would do a bringer show at Gotham and need like six people. Oh, wow. So I'm on Grindr like, you want to come to my show? Just show up with your jokes and a boner. And it did work I did it twice Where I like met my quota through Grindr And then would just leave a bunch of gay dudes At different tables Like no no intention I'll ever really

Hooked up I'm just like yeah yeah It was like a villain in a Disney movie Like god damn The guy was like the jokes are good But he kept repeating him Drucking shit By the way Jared has a new special out here On Netflix right now

Jared freed the family plan Now on Netflix right No watch please Yes One hour's story about going to the beach with my parents. Come on. That's it?

I love your stories about your family. My dad asked me how much I waited at the beach in 2018 and the whole special is about that. Yeah. Wow. Does it have the Starbucks bit or the one thing where you're and you like don't get the sandwich? Does it have that in it? Don't get the sandwich.

Like don't get the, fuck. You're doing a bit the other night at the cellar. It was a while ago at the cellar, but it was really funny about like just try not to get the sandwich. Oh, it was the, no, that's the new GLP1 shit about like how. Yeah, I was talking. Well, now it's like a continuation. I'm trying to do this story thing.

Like I want to do one little piece. And for this, it made sense because it's the one story. It was a minute long. And I kept telling it. And it was like, I got to explain my dad. I got to explain my mom. So it goes into these little, I make fun of Rob Lowe, you know, body issues, all that shit. But it all is one thing.

And then now I was like, I like, I like doing this so much. I was like, the next one will be a, my dad offered me his OZempic. Whoa. And I was like so mad about that. Yeah. So now I'm talking, and then I went on Ozempic, so now I'm like, you know, I try to like answer, you know, how when I get coffee, like I was like the whole time I'm there. Like the idea that people on Ozenbuk aren't working hard is like crazy to me. Right, right.

Like we were working hard. Your dad got you hooked. My dad got me hooked. My dad is Reggie Watts. I would have done it two years early if he didn't offer it to me. Wow, that's hilarious. My favorite one about your dad is he's looking around. everybody's interracial

Yeah That's one Yeah I love that one I always That's one of them jokes I always love waiting Waiting to see you launch it Yeah,

Well, we're doing freed bits The ick Oh, that put you on the map Well, I think it did I don't know That bitch huge It became such a thing But I was like

I was in front of it I was doing it when it was like I put it together It was like A girl that I was talking To a friend of mine She wouldn't fuck a guy Because he wore khakis

and then I heard about the ick through Love Island It's like a dating show in the UK And they're like I got the ick And then I gave I was like well the ick to me is a woman You know A guy does one thing A girl doesn't want to fuck him

I was like that's never happened to me In the history of women That was like the whole thing And then I went around the country Asking women their icks And then it became a thing And then someone told me There's a guy and another guy

Who has a Netflix special Did it another bit It's like a version Like it's like the same bit Oh no Some British guy Oh no I was like I don't know

I was like I don't want to go watch it. Right. But you did it first? Yeah. Okay. It was in 20203. Yeah.

Moe something. Moe. Ammer. Hilligan. Do you know this guy? I don't know. I don't know. I don't follow British humor.

Yeah. He's like, and like I already did the ick bit and I was like, he just had to be black. No, yeah, yeah. They steal everything. Right. I mean, I did the bit and then it became like a thing. And then I got sent this so many times. I've never watched it, but I'm like,

well, his is pretty good. It's got to be pretty good. Well, it kind of shows you this whole Netflix thing. I'm about to say it's kind of hot. I think everyone in the world has seen, and then, like, he's got a whole audience. He's like, I love your ick bit. And I'm like.

Sorry, he's kind of hot. He's going to be over already without even hearing the big. And he's British. He's a good-looking guy. I know what the ick for men is, and women aren't going to like it. Hey, Willie. Sometimes you want to relax and catch your buds

without waking up, hungover and bloated. Willis, THC-infused, social tonic, gives you an alcohol alternative that you can actually feel with a relaxing, uplifting buzz that kicks in in about 15 minutes. I love this stuff. Hangovers are a bitch,

and this saves me when you want to unwind. Willis is Willie Nelson's own premium THC-infused social tonic, and if there's anyone you can trust who knows good cannabis, it's Willie Nelson. Each bottle combines THC, CBD, CBG, and L-Theonine

to deliver calm, clarity, euphoria, and relaxation. It comes in 5 milligram and 10 milligram doses with a blend of patch fruit, lemon, and lime. Enjoy it as a shot, poured over ice, or mix it in your favorite macktail. It is only 15 calories with 3 grams of sugar in every bottle and is third-party lab tested for accurate dosage so you can customize your experience.

Willies is the number one, THC-infused beverage in the U.S. with more than 350,000 happy customers and over one million bottles sold. Order now at drinkwillies.com and use code WMBD for 20% off of your first order, plus free shipping on orders over $95. Or use the store located to find Willys on the shelf near you,

including total wine, specs, ABC, and your local liquor store. Willys! Cats deserve better than a bowl full of processed fillers. Smalls mix fresh cat food using preservative-free human-grade ingredients that you would recognize from your own fridge. That's good stuff, dude. Small's recipes are packed with animal protein and gently cooked to retain their nutrients and flavor, because more of the food is digestible.

It can lead to healthier digestion and less stinky shit. Balance diets can also, it's much less shedding, fewer hair balls, more energy, and softer and shinier coats. In fact, after switching to Smalls, 88% of cat owners reported overall health improvements. Forbes ranked Smalls the best overall cat food, and if your cat, Cat doesn't eat it. Smalls will refund your order. So stop serving your little carnivore, a bowl of process shortcuts. For a limited time, because you are, we might be drunk listeners. Get 60% off your first order plus free shipping and free treats for life when you head to smalls.com slash drunk.

That's 60% off your first order plus free shipping and free treats for life when you hit to smalls.com slash drunk. And I got a cat and he loves this stuff. Hems. When something feels off in the bedroom, it can be difficult to stop thinking about it. Most guys wait longer than they should to address it. But ED is more common and more treatable than people realize. Hems makes it simple to explore real treatment options completely online. This stuff's great, works quick, never fails. Gotta love it.

Hymns connects you with licensed healthcare providers, giving you access to legitimate ED treatment options without an awkward in-person appointment or a trip to the pharmacy. You complete a simple online intake and a licensed provider reviews your info to determine whether treatment is right for you. Available options include Sildenafil, the generic version of Viagra,

for up to 95% less than the brand name version. Additional treatment options are also available, helping you find what works best for your body. To get simple, online access to personalize affordable care for ED, hair loss, and more, visit Hems.com slash drunk. That's HIMS.com slash drunk. Hems.com slash drunk. Not available in all 50s-states prescription required.

See website for details, restriction, and support safety information Suddenafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra's a registered trademark of Viatras, especially LLC, Hymns is not affiliated or endorsed by a Viatris. I get the ick after you fuck a woman. Yeah, I do that in the bit.

Oh, shit, really? That's the bit. Oh, wait. Is that your bit? You should put that on your Netflix. Mo, call me. Men get the oof. The oof.

Oh, the oof. I shouldn't have fucked her. That was the end of the bit. Oh, that was all women. I didn't get it. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk.

Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. Yeah. Sorry. That's okay. But the best part of the bit, not the best part, a great part of that bit is the comments because every woman starts writing their ick and they're hilarious. Well, that was the thing I went around the country and I was like, I would do it during the check spot. Like, during the checks, I'd be like, I took the bit.

I had like one end of it was the beginning and I had the closer. And then in the middle I could fuck around. Right. So I was like, oh, what a great opportunity to like get through checks. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, does anyone have an ick? And all the icks that I do are from women that were in the crowd that I, like love. The best one being

that a woman got the ick because she imagined the guy missing a bus and chasing it. So he never even... Oh my God. I had a woman do that to me once. It was very early on and she goes up, you just don't seem like the type of guy who would take care of my father if he got sick. And I was like, whoa,

wait, first off, we just met. Second off, your dad's in perfect health. Whoa, you see what we're dealing with with these ladies? And I brought you all the way to my comedy comedy. Ungrateful bitch. Right. What about the way I ordered the vodka soda for you?

Yeah, right. I told you that I wasn't going to be a caretaker to be elderly. One of the comments, because I read like 55 of them. One of them was a guy went to the ATM and he would say, boop, you'd go, boop, boop. And I was like half of these I do. That's how he fingered her too, though. Boop, boop, boop. And that was the thing about the bit.

Like, I under every ick, like, you could tell the confidence of a man by how angry an ick made them. Right. If you're affected by a woman's ick, you're fucking loose. her? Like, you just, you hear an icky, because one woman, you can't control what she's disturbed by. One woman's dick is another woman's husband. Like, that was like always what made the bit fun. Oh, that's good.

Yeah. I recently did something icky to a guy. What do you do? Like, well, I didn't do anything. But I like, okay, so there's this dude on Instagram, and I'm very attracted. And the ass is fat. All right. Mogillion?

Huh? Mugginleon. And we have, we have been flirting. back and forth in DMs and it's been very mutual. And so at some point, I responded to one of his Instagram stories, one of his very sexy Instagram stories, with a gif of Winnie the Pooh at the table going yummy in my tummy. Oh, man.

It just got too gay. This is the moment. We went over the gay mountain. We were on the other side. The other side, cringe mountains. Totally. It's right there. I sent him the third one to the right.

Yeah. Moving like this. He's like, I think mutually at the same time we started typing to each other because I instantly rewrip. Oh, my God. Tigger, please.

Say it ain't so. I. What are, it was, it was. It makes me upstate when I see it. What's the yummy in reference to? Is it the ass?

Absolutely. Absolutely. I would like to take a bite. I would like to take a bite. You know, he was dressed like that in the thirst trap. I want to wax it and lick it. You know what it is? I just didn't have, I was at a dinner while the exchange was happening.

So I didn't want to be just like, you know, looking for the appropriate response. Listen, you can't say that you didn't try. I tried. But we both called me out at the same time about it. Because almost as soon as I sent it. I should have, I wasn't, it wasn't, it was one of them things where like he saw it immediately. I didn't even have enough time to unspending it. And was he like, this is too much for me?

Fortunately, fortunately for me, I got ahead of it before he, my text completed before his did. And I was like, I want to tell you right now, recognize how cringy that. And then he said, you are lucky, you're lucky, you're cute. And I was like, oh, he's flirting. He liked it. He was, he was about to say something. You were lucky it was a man. That is true.

You're lucky because there aren't too many things that would like make me. Although I will say Mark and I've talked about this. Unlike when you're in apps like Bumble and the woman has to make the first move. Horrible. Yeah. You're like, oh, you're not that fucking good at this either. Horrible. Patrice O'Neill said it best, women don't have game.

They have no game. They don't have to have games. They're hot. They're the ones to be courted in most of the ways. We cultivate it. We cultivate over years. Yeah. You start with you're 14.

We used to have some fun pickup lines, Mark, in the back in the day. We were hitting the bars. It was good times. You don't mind. Well, this is awkward, but I would... Honk, honk. I would go up to a girl at a bar and I'd go, man, I got to tell you, ma'am, if I wasn't gay,

and they always go, oh, it's too bad you're gay, and I go, I'm not! Right, right, right, right. Too believable. We were doing side by side. I do one like, I'd just be on the phone and be, I'd be like, that's not enough money for the children's hospital. No, we can do more.

Always got at least a smile. At least a smile. A little, like, swoop of the hair. Yeah, they're like, I see what he's doing. Especially now, that would just be like any form of talking. to a woman in a bar, all you hear about is like no one's talking to each other. No, dudes are- It's the number one complaint right now is like, I go out and I want, I'm out to be talked to.

And you ever, just like, because the crutch is there. Like you always have your friend the phone. Yep, yep, yeah. To go to if you feel a little bit uncomfortable and no one wants to feel any failure. My single day is one time I called a girl and she was like, oh my God, you called me? Right. Every guy's too scared to call and I'm like, oh, I just called you. And then that set me up like 50%.

Yeah. Make a reservation. That's big. Make a plan. Make a, if you, there are two things, go say, I like your shoes and make a reservation. Those are two things that never lose. If you just say, if you're in a bar and you go out to someone, hey, I really like your shoes. They're crooks.

Yeah. Everyone's got a story for their shoes. Everyone chose their shoes for a reason. Interesting. Interesting. Your shoes, I can see it. Look at it. You got some pink on there.

Yeah. That's a fun shoe. There you go. You know? So you. would go, oh, I got them here. I got a deal here. Oh, I found them there. I think shoes are an art project. Yeah, but a woman's

shoe is like, that's like a pump or a heel. Whatever. Just say it. Now you're telling her I'm into feet. Oh. No, well, yeah. Do I have WikiFeed pages? I just learned that, I just learned that I have a WikiFeed page. It's on, the crazy

part is it's 4.0 is my rating? Is that good? Out of what? It's four, out of five, but only one person has voted. So I'm pretty sure Let's pump those numbers up, man. So I'm pretty sure it's the person who made the pay. Because I think WikiFeed is like Wikipedia. No, no.

He has to do the page. By the way, it came up. There's no Wiccafeet for NBA Hall of Fame or Alex English. Not for the basketball player. Who I've been accused of being his son in the past. When I got hired at- Underrated player. Oh, no, no, absolutely. I had already known who he was.

But, like, someone on Reddit at one point was like calling me a Nepo baby. Oh, God. I was like, I have no connection to this man. That's the wrong N-word. Did someone like... You're getting closer and closer. Sorry. Can you imagine making your millions off of Wiki feet?

People do it. There's like, remember one like the Mr. Skin? I think, I think you go, Wiki was like me. He was like on Howard Stern. Like I created Mr. Skin. Oh, yeah. How about the girls gone wild guy? All these guys.

Oh, Lord. I just remember the picture that they are using for this. Go ahead. Oh, God. Go ahead. Because this will be my Matao Lane sex symbol moment. Oh, I can't wait. I'll tell you the context for this photo also.

Where did you send? Yeah, how did they get your feet pictures? I posted a very revealing photo on Instagram, Maine, that even my mama was like, now, why are you posting it? And that's the picture. Oh, that's a great pick. I'll tell you. How many Winnie the Pooh gifts did he get from that one? I was in a hotel.

It looks like the first. time you've ever held a beer. I was in a hotel in Austin because I was staying in Austin last year for like a month working on bad thoughts. Times to Girl Show on Netflix. So he put us up in this hotel. So that was Halloween actually.

So I was on my way like out to some party. But I was like this is my costume, which I don't even know. What's the costume? Well, just, you know. Just gay dude. I was trying to blow you. I was trying to be chung and cheek about it. Yeah.

But so I have since archived with that photo, but, you know, the internet is forever. And so somebody obviously, so that must mean that this page has existed at least since November of last year. Okay. And like, like, a couple weeks ago, I was randomly like, I think I was like trying to write a bit about WikiFeed. And I was looking and suddenly the bit stopped because I was like, hold up. Oh, shit. This is out there. Yeah, you got the good sidelines there.

What do you call those? You're on it, too? The V. The V. I've heard I'm on it. I wouldn't be surprised. I think we've done this before. I'm saying I'm sure you've got, I think all I'm pretty sure all of you all I got

I don't think so. Pages. Oh, there it is. You've never seen it. Let's see what Mark. I'm sure you got more votes than me. The funny part is that these pictures seem to be put up by podcast fans. Yeah.

There we go. Oh, God. There we go. Sniff, sniff, sniff. That's a good thing. You were asking for it in that program. It looks like you were campaigning for it. What's Mark's score?

Oh, God. Let's see. Let's see what the numbers are. 4.8. 4.8. You're getting crazy. 60. 60 votes.

I don't think I am. 60 votes. Yes, you do. Five photos. Sam's got Harry Knuckles. On this pie. On this pie, you're showing your feet. Look at that.

Giving up the goods. Mark, come on, Mark, with him in his mouth. That's right. That's a clean foot. That's a clean foot. What's Sam's score? 4.78. All right.

All right. I'm in the lead. Y'all are being me. I got a size 13, baby. I'm going to be so insulted if I'm the only one in here. Uh-oh, Jared. You can't see your feet. Oh.

Did you spell it right? Did you spell it right? We got to get Jared. Come on, Jerry. Get the shoe out. Get those dogs out. Look up Mo Gilligan's feet. There we go.

There we go. Bam. Oh, get that. Peter's going to close up. I just got a pedicure. Did you really? Freshly pedicures. You live in Florida,

don't you? Yeah, yeah. Backwaxes and pedicures. That's the name of the next special. So, Jared, you don't see your numbers. You're going to see your page show up soon. You're complimenting women's shoes.

You're getting pedicures. He's the gay guy here. What's happening? Yeah, because I've never compliment a woman on anything. How are you like in Florida, Jared? I love it. It's like a work in progress type of thing. I love Delray Beach.

It's awesome. Is that where you live? That's beautiful. My parents are 25 minutes away. I got them. I can hang. It's a nice separation from comedy that sometimes I need. And then sometimes I'm like, I wish I didn't have it.

Where do you go? Palm Beach to do a sit? I don't even do it. Like, to me, there, it's not for sets. Wow. It's kind of like, I'll go on the road, I'll work on stuff. I'll come here. I'll work on stuff.

Which airport is it? Well, that's the new thing. Sorry. It's DJT. Oh, is that right? It was PBI, Palm Beach International, one of the best airports in the country. Now it's Donald J. Trump Airport. Oh, my God.

Putting his name on everything. Everything. Let me tell you, literally the day had changed. That night, I was there the next day. Sign on the highway. Sign on the highway. Like, they can never tell you they can't fix a pothole. This happened in like half a minute.

Wow, look at that. It is. That's not it. That's AI. That's not it. to say. Whoa, that's, no, go to the highway sign. You can see, like, that blue one, that one up.

Of course, it's a techie. That's it. That's the sign. And it's like, it's, it's my, it's my peeve. It's bringing up Florida in any way. The worst part is that it brings out the worst, most exhausting conversation. Right. Because, and it's from all.

There's all they want to talk about. Whoa, because if you're liberal, all Florida. Yeah. And if you're conservative. Oh, DJT Airport, you pumped? And I'm like, I don't give a fuck about any of this. Damn. It's like the worst conversation you've ever had.

Totally. And Florida, that's like the worst part of Florida. It's like I somewhere and like you have to have like lines ready to go. You have to. And we don't talk about Trump enough. Right. Like I read. So that's, uh, so Florida's great.

I mean like otherwise. Is there like the Stormy Daniels lounge? That'd be fun if they kind of leaned into it, you know? All your favorites are here. The creamers, her tits? Yeah. When you're doing the road now, I mean, wait, actually, before I go to that, so you've been sober a year, are you, is it the relationship that's saving that too or no? Because being single and sober would be tough of shit.

I was single and sober. In Florida. In Florida is hard. On the beach. And people were nice there, but, like, everyone who goes to Florida, like, they have, like, some sort of weird origin story. That's true. Everyone's there because something happened. Yes.

So that's like the difference is like when you start meeting people going on dates and then like you're like when's the story coming? Like when's the oh here? Because everyone who moved there and myself included is very self-conscious about moving there. Like you have to like explain what made you do this? Even if you're older and you retire, you don't want to admit you're old. You're like I'm not like those old people who are. So like everyone there is like super like in their head about what brought them there. They go into their story right away.

way well and then there's also like oh you move Mondani and you're like oh the worst I can't believe that like you think I'm that big a fucking loser that I was like I'm packing up the new mayor I gotta get out of here like you gotta be a fucking loser to do that but you gotta admit Florida there's a freedom

there like no one's offended by anything everyone just live it I guess you're offended by some shit well the Florida thing the free the relaxation part about Florida is it isn't the first thing that comes up here the ills of the world come up very quickly.

Florida, like, when I talk to my parents, the things they have issues with are, like, local. It is the problems of the problemless. Like, they are yelling at me about nothing. Like, and it's almost freeing to know no one there is in touch with what's going on in the world. Right. Well, we've got to scale this on a Jewish scale too, right? Well, they're in a Jewish country club.

Okay. Inside a boca, inside of Florida. They're in a triple bubble. Yeah. So like there's like the like there they're they almost a hollow formed bubble. It's a bagel. Totally braided. So it is definitely it's just like the relief of not you talk about nothing there. You talk about the weather.

Right. When are you going to the beach? Del Boca Vista. It's truly that. I mean I went to a steak place New York Prime and I'm sitting with my mom and dad and they're two friends. I'm in the middle of two old couples and just me and the. the middle looking like a 10 year old right right and it's just like

I'm like what am I doing here like three women who are like from Boca they're like around our age they're like Jared we're big fans my mom's like who's that who's that from high school? Like there's no like ma'am I have a business going on there I have multiple podcasts

multiple stander specials people do recognize me especially in Boca I found out you moved I was at a bar and some woman just started talking to me and she mentioned you and I was like oh yeah yeah Jared and I used to go out in this area all the time. And she goes,

well, he moved to Florida. And I was like, that's how you found out? I was like, what? And she's like, yeah, he moved to Delray Beach. I was like, no, he didn't. And then I texted her.

Like, did you fucking move? And you're like, yeah, I found out from like a fan of yours at a bar. Everybody's quietly sort of doing it. Kind of going back home at Sam J's in Atlanta now. Is she? Yeah, yeah. I did it under the,

a little bit under the cover night, but I was like, it was more because I planned on coming back here to do stuff. I, you know, I wanted to give it a shot. I also don't want to be like, again, that's why I'm not like I'm sober. I feel like that puts pressure on it that I don't really want to have to deal with.

Yeah, you might want to have a drink. I might want to have a drink. I'm going to have a drink. Brad Pitt's Beckwithside. I'm drinking PR tour. Like, that guy's doing a PR tour. You better make a stop here. Let's make that happen.

How great would happen. But yeah, I didn't want to like, I, you know, there's like, I was like, let me see if I can do this. And then I really love it. But I'm like, again, now I'm dating. I have a girlfriend. and like she's from the northeast and there's a piece of me. I'm still not, jury's still out. It's not because I don't like it.

I like elements of it, but there's still a little bit of a search. It's so comfortable. It is so. But do you lose the comedy with the comfort? Is that a myth? Well, that's like kind of the thing I'm figuring out. Like, because I went there with like an hour of material. And I was like, okay, at least I got that in my back pocket.

Yeah. Where I can go on the road and I'm not going on the road with nothing. If I was here with nothing, it's different. But then I then took that hour and split it into two. So I was like, okay, that gives me more time. Right. I can work on this one and then do the next one. And then so I'm like, I feel like I bought myself time with material.

But like I'm still, I went to an open mic at a, the arts garage in Delray Beach. And I forgot how horrific those. Oh, it's the worst. Like literally having to hear like seven minutes. It was a seven minutes. Whoa. And like we all know that. Like,

and I got... Showcase Mike. Yeah, right? That's sometimes too long from like a pro. So sometimes to see a comic who's like a pro doing seven minutes. I'm like, I don't need to hear it.

Totally. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to see you like this. I got heckled by a college kid doing it for the first time. And like you want to be like, I got a Netflix special. Yeah. But you can't say anything.

I'm at the open mic with them. I'm the same loser. You're surrounded by like clumsy comedy is what I call. Yeah. It's like every little mistake. Like even down to like grabbing the control, like the mic chord Yeah, tying it up

playing around with it I'm like, oh yeah, you've been doing this for two days I got to come to me afterwards She was like, you're good, you could do this No, I was like, thank you I appreciate your That thing with the Ix, that's good Yeah, yeah

He's just doing his A material He's doing his A set for the mic That's a great Just to prove like for my own ego Yeah Where are you from? Detroit This kid was at the malice in the palace

I was at the famous basketball game as a child. What the fuck? I mean, pull up those clips. Those were insane. I was in high school. Where were you sitting? And I was hard as shit.

Look at all these guys fighting! I was trying to picture they were all fighting over me. Fucking MetaWorld piece. I was sitting midsection across from where everything happened. So I saw everything. I basically saw it from the POV on television, but in person. So I was on the other side. This was the craziest basketball moment of our lifetime.

Right. It was on a weeknight. So the day of this, when it happened, my high school, we were going on some field trip to some science center. And so my uncle, y'all, my uncle had tickets to go to this game. And he was like, you can either do two things, go to the, you know, field trip during the day and, like, miss out. Or you skip the day, don't go to the field trip,

and I'll pick you up later that night and we'll go to Arbor Hills. You're attacking fans. This shit was crazy. And I remember when, like, after they figured out how to, like, maintain all of this. We were like in the arena for like another hour because they shut the arena down because they wanted to make sure they were grabbing anybody who had potentially been involved. So I didn't get home until like one in the morning. Wow. Yeah. They shut the arena down. The guy that came on the court. Yes. That guy, the biggest, the biggest victim. The

balls of steel. Look at that guy. Back. Back. Back. He like squares up to him. Where's the internet? Like, there's so many people doing like their own version of journalism. Where's the interview with this guy? Like this is, I know. They became friends. They became friends. They became friends. There's a documentary about Ron Ortiz. Really? And this guy is in it. They became cool.

It's on Netflix. It's on Netflix. I thought the biggest victim out of this was Turtle from Entourage. Because so many people compared that guy. That guy is Turtle. And it's like, what's the worst part of your day? So I'm going to be like, look who you look like. And he had to hear that forever.

Yeah. And he's like, dude, I got Finn. Fuck off. Right. He's like, I don't, you know. Dude, I got to tell you, there was nothing better than going to school the next day. And being the motherfucker that was like, Oh my god.

Street credit for lying. Everybody was talking to me out there. Ron Ortest tried to go at Ben Wallace here, and then he took one look at Ben Wallace. He was like, I'm not fucking with that, dude. So then he just started going at the fans. But like you look at Ben Wallace, like no one's fun. He's like a, he's massive. Absolutely.

And that team was so tough. Yeah, they were a wild bunch. They were scrappy, you know, Tejian Prince, all of them. They were tough. Wow. It is interesting that like in this day and age, like, there is a fear of Big Brother now. Like, everyone is throwing their cups at this guy.

Yeah. Like, everyone is just like, who cares? No one's going to see this. No one had any thought. Oh, big brother. I thought he meant Mike Wallace. But yeah, this guy deserves a fucking purple heart. He didn't back down either.

That's what I'm saying. That's like a Detroit dude. He didn't drop. He really didn't drop. But his friend kind of like pushed him down to the ground. Oh, look at that chunky. Oh, he got nailed. Look at the ritzler.

This destroyed the whole season. Oh yeah, because Stephen Jackson was like, slid into the punch. Yeah. Damn. That'd be funny if these are the stats of how many hits they got. Our Tesla lost $5 million for this shit.

That's right. Damn, worth it. I'd never seen anything like that in my life. Hell yeah. To this day, I still have been seeing anything as wild. Do you regret not jumping in? Not jumping in? My wild fucking scrappy gay ass would have loved to be a part of some drama like that.

I was fighting in high school. Did you ever have a homophobia? fight? Okay. I did have an encounter with a guy who was like a grade order to me trying to like, you know, approach me and he made the mistake. He slipped and I like took advantage of that and I grabbed him and like what started like bang his head into the locker. And I got and I got pulled away. Fortunately, you know what's great. Visit teachers, gym teachers are the least likely in my experience to ever send you to the principals. I think the gym teacher at the physical training.

He was like, just go over here, you go over there. Since no blood was drawn, I'm gonna let this lie. And I remember him talking to me being like, basically being like. The kid's got a broken neck. He's like, no blood, we're totally cool. He was like, basically, as knowing me, like, seeing me in class and stuff, is like, look, basically saying you're gonna deal with people trying to mess with you. Oh, that's nice.

Basically without saying like, you're gay. Right, right. So they're going to have to do it. And it's like my freshman year. But it was like him giving you some respect, though. Yeah. I had two separate occasions both like my freshman year and in my senior year where teachers were trying to basically like assert my sexuality and incorporate it into some sort of bad behavior.

Whoa. Like my career, I had a creative writing teacher who was my senior year who I think, oh, I had skipped school one day and was like because my parents were out of town. And I had led out of the age where like, I could be left at home overnight. They went to Chicago or something for something and then came back. So I could be left overnight trusted to drive myself to school. But of course, I was like, fuck that.

I'm inviting some dude over. Like, I'm not, why would I do that? So it had gotten, obviously, I got caught up in the lie and all that shit. And my creative writing teacher was starting to tell my mom stuff like, well, you know, Alex has been exhibiting some odd behavior, you know. And I think it's time that really, like, you know, maybe we just talk about something that he might be going through. And I'm just like, what's your mom saying that? Nothing really, because my attitude was like, bitch, shut up. Like, I'm going my way out of here anyway.

My second, who I'm fucking ain't under your business. Were your parents supportive though or no? Of me coming out. They got there. My mom got there, I'll say. Because my dad, my stepdad is like a little, he's always been a little quiet. He's never really like, he never really off in the beginning told me how he felt about it. Like, so which made me kind of believe he was more supportive of me than he might have been letting

on. But my mom, it took a little minute. She was like, you know. I got to imagine as a stepdad, you're like, I'm not going to say it. But this is also why I love my stepdad, too, because like, I'm not his. This nigga could have bounced at any moment in the government when they had anything to do with it. You know what I mean? Like, he could have just left. He really walked into a burning house. A flaming house. So he's like, that's how much he loves my mom, apparently. Wow. Because I really was giving him head. hell like I was gonna say head for a second. I was giving him hell when they were first because he used to be my,

he used to be a teacher in my, my, my first middle school that I went to. And so my stepdad used to see me coming out of class, saw me getting picked up by my mom and would like kind of just like, at one point he used to offer to walk me downstairs out to her car to like, you know, be like, here's your son. Hi, my name is by Nogne. Right, right. And that turned into like a friend. And then the friendship was like, all right, and now Mr. Scott is at our house.

And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? And so they eventually like started dating and then like, all right, now I'm just like, yeah, I guess this is my stepdad. But I was doing all types of shit. I was being, I was being a faggot. A young fag to my stepdad. Were you out in school? No, I wasn't saying it. But I think by the time, by the time, like, junior and senior year of high school showed up,

I was starting to be like, I'm gonna just, like, exist and let people call me whatever they want, but I won't be saying this shit. That's how much I was like, absolutely not. I won't. I will never say that. And then by, like, college, junior year, I stopped. My grandmother was the first person I said it to. And then she was just like, okay, well, what do you want to eat?

She didn't give a fuck. All right. Okay, this is cool. That's good. You know, but I think that, uh... The high school coming out thing, the part that gets underrated, I think, is like, you know these people since you were seven years old.

Yeah. Like, you know, you have to, like, kind of go back on a lie. You know, it's not a lie, but I would imagine it feeling like a lie that's 15 years in the making, you know, like, or 13 years in the making that you go, well, I've lived this way the whole, you know, you get to this point. It's like, I can understand why college you're like, okay. Well, when I was in high school, especially like around sophomore year, the gay shit really started amping up.

Because then we also, because now you're meeting like other gay guys in school who aren't, we're kind of all kind of like stuck in each other's dicks in the bathroom, but kind of like almost getting caught. That happened to me. Like in 10th grade, there was, and I feel so bad for this guy. That must have been fucking stressful. It was, but, you know, it was nice to get your dick sucked for the first time. But what a risk?

Between periods, like. Yeah, it's really. thrilling at the same time. But I felt bad for the guy that I would be doing that with because he was sort of like the first of like the gay guys that I went to high school with to like be confident and he was hanging out with all the girls. He was like he was out and I was not.

Were you jealous of him? No. Because like when the, but that would also, the lack of jealousy or even empathy for him led to me sort of mistreating him, participating in the mistreatment by other dudes who probably had thoughts about me too but I wasn't doing it.

Spotlights on him. Let's keep it over there. So I was being that. And I know like I can only imagine that like because the thing about like especially my particular class in my high school like as we got older I just started seeing more guys out who I'm like oh you're out now too. Like we later. And so I just know this dude was like oh these fucking stupid gays. Oh they were giving me hell and now they want to be out. I was already out.

Interesting. You know because for me my life. It's like the Jackie Robinson. Yeah. That's the front lines, man. Jackie. Jackie. Jackie Roberts.

But, you know, I, that's my, my story is just like, oh. I've never not had straight guy support, which, like, goes back to, like, when we were talking about early when it comes, like, all the straight men that show up to my shows. Right. I, for whatever reason, like, even when I was in high, even I was in college, like, I was, doing a thing where I wasn't putting myself out there as gay, yeah, but I'm going to be, I'm going to just be Alex. I ain't going to be anything.

I'm going to be fun. I'm going to be social and I'm going to just leave it at that. When I got to New York and started doing stand-up and started like, you know, talking about being gay, doing jokes about it,

kind of like getting there and posting it online, my homeboys from college, you know, I'd go home to visit early years of being in New York and they would see me at like Thanksgiving and be like, bro, thank God you started saying it

because we got so fucking tired of talking about you behind your back. You going missing for like some hours off campus to do whatever you was doing. Oh, okay, you're going to go study, motherfucker. You were stuck in some dude's dick at the dorm. Like, just because they also felt like they were like... It's called studying in the gate community. It's called research.

You also had five clams in the mix. You had five vaginas. I was also eating pussy. I still was figuring it out. You were eating pussy. There was, there was legit. The last woman I ever truly... No, she wasn't the last.

There was one woman in New York very early that I, like, but it was like a sex. That's why Sam J left. That was her first day wearing boxing. She was like, oh, like this. No, I, so my, I took five years to graduate. So I was like a fifth year undergraduate. So I was hanging with my homeboy, who was another fifth year graduate.

And so we were walking, we were just, I was basically being wingman. But I was in my like, not gay, but gay era. And so this woman, this woman, this girl had a friend. And I don't know, you know, when you're in college, you know, I think gaitars, everybody got their own, everybody has their own journey with their gaitar. Whether you can tell, it's not, I don't think it's one way. Like, you can either tell or you don't, or maybe. I think this girl's gai dar was just missing. Oh, really?

She's like, he did this awesome move or he sucked on my clip. I've never felt anything like that. I got to have that. I truly. That rabbit vibrator forever. My homeboy, he got what he needed. You know, he was still. up, you know, we're going back to his apartment off campus and, you know, she was joining.

She was like, well, her night isn't up for me either and kind of was giving me that. And it was truly the last time I ever, like, it was really when I like, when I woke up that next day next to her, because we did all the stuff. I don't know how erect I was for it. But I don't know that she was, I couldn't tell you if she received any pleasure whatsoever from that night. It truly was just like friction between two strangers. Wow.

I don't know what that was for her. Some people, that's all they need. Just a hug. And maybe that's what it was. But that was the very last time that I ever truly like performed straight in a way. Oh, you were performing. I was performing. I was really acting.

I was my acting method. I was in my method bag. And I think I left my homeboy's apartment from that like one night being like, just be gay, dog. Go to New York. First of all, take your ass to New York and go be gay because I could not be gay. Was that a big reason for the move to New York? I had to be gay. I didn't move to New York with the idea that I was going to be gay.

stand up. Wow. I need to be gay, that's hilarious. That's like moving to like a buffet while being hungry. Yeah. To like, like, I always think that like being gay in New York must be like, might be heaven. It is. Sure. Especially in your 20s.

Like, could you imagine you die and then you come back gay in New York? Well, he's not going to heaven. That's the last one. But like, maybe hell's like gay in, you know, Ohio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Because the life is so drastically different.

Like a child born on the Upper West Side to two hippie-dippy parents. Maybe Jewish too. Jewish. Going to New York and gay? You don't want to be Jewish at Mississippi? No, I, you know. It's a different life. Florida, yeah.

It depends where you are. Yeah, and it's cool. It's all right. I think it's gotten progressively better to be gay in Detroit now. But around when I was there, 2012, like when I got back from college, When I got back, I went to Central Michigan. So just that two-hour drive back to Detroit, I, like, what was happening when I got, like,

I had an ex-boyfriend in Detroit when I got back home from college who had been, like, murdered. Like, he had been, like, plotted on by, like, a date of his. What was happening was that a lot of guys, and this is not just in Detroit, but a lot of dudes get on Grindr, get on these apps, and they meet up with these strangers, and the guys, like, in the closet, and he'll, like, straight up fucking murder him,

just because he doesn't want anybody to know. What's happening to two guys that I know from the other? That's awful. So I was like, oh, I gotta go be gay somewhere else. I might die because I'm on these apps and you never really know who you're talking to. And I mean, I was 23 at the time. So I was being reckless.

You know, I was like, yeah, let's go look up, whatever. So I had to get the fuck out of Detroit. And then, like, yeah, I spent like a few months just being gay, being a waiter, walking around, running around New York. And then I got just like, did my first open mic. And I was like, well, I guess I'm this now. Yes. Those are two big steps in the mind.

Yeah. That is, there's a movie when a Salachie. who left one of his favorite movies, you know, Paris is Burning. Oh, yeah, great movie. I mean, that's a crazy movie. I love it when white men find that film. Oh, it's crazy.

You know, we're curious, you know, the struggle of people and what they went through and find out that a lot of these people got murdered. It's crazy. Yeah, they did. Sal Acoust, if you love Paris is Burning, I think you would love the logo series. Queerest, not queer as folk,

not queer as folk, Noah's Arc. what I call the black queerest folk. Because I grew up watching the original queerest folk that showed up, I was on Showtime or something like that. And it made me think that being white was only for gay guys. Right. Because there were no black people really on, or no black men in particular on queer as folk.

So I was like, oh, gay guys, gay guys are white. Not us. Which was some of how I looked at it. I'm like, well, I don't know that this is a thing that I can do. And then Noah's Ark shows up and they had every little bit of flavor. Ian Patrick Polk. Was this a movie? They just did a movie

because this show came out in the early 2000s. It was a TV show. So they did a movie recently, like a couple years ago they did a movie. And it's the closest to like sex in the city that I think we're like gay black guys. What a surprise for someone who's like religious

and it's like, I just want the Noah's Ark story. And they come across that picture. A picture of a bunch of black news. And all black news. Loading on each other's ear. And don't watch. Isaac and Abraham. There we go.

Cain and anal. Now, can I ask you, you had sex with two women? You got to admit, though, the vagina feels pretty good. Even if you're not attracted to the package. I didn't have a problem. See, I didn't have an aversion to it. I would even still eat a woman out today. Oh, really?

But I wouldn't call myself by. But I'm like, yeah, I'm not a conservative gay guy. Do you see a woman sometimes though where you're just like, I would? You said what? Are there any women where you see them and you're like, oh, I would. I go out in New York City all the time and I'm like, that is the baddest bitch I've ever seen in my life. Put you tight. And I hate right now, I'm into tities right now.

Hey, welcome. Titties are back. Titties are back, baby. Because there's a moment where ass was really like a thing. I don't really care so much about ass on a woman. I need that on a guy. I look, I look, if I got on shades and it's a sunny day out in New York and I'm going to I'm walking around downtown.

Guys working out running? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm like, mm. And I'm an old creep about it too. I caught myself the other day being like, God damn. I was like, you know, I'm doing that shit now where I'm like hanging outside the bodega just like colling at dudes. Like I think I'm one step closer to gay.

Here's how I know Alex is gay because we were like, oh, what are you into for women? And like four sentences turned into a guy. It's right away. Oh, when I see a guy with a fat ass. Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. Well, those great sweatpants. Yeah, yeah.

But I love like a, like a curvy woman. Yeah, same. A curvy one, like a little, but also, there's room in my heart also for like, you know, cocaine, slim. No, not for you. You need to eat on the bone. I like curves. I like, I like both. I mean, yeah, different vibes.

I've been told that I don't give off the vibe that I would date a bigger dude, like a plus size, like fat dude. And I'm like, no, I have before. Oh, really? Yeah. My problem comes in where they want to bottom for me. And I'm like, I don't know if that looks good. I don't know if that will get, because also I feel the same way about guys who are super tall.

This is going, people are going to get on my case about this, but it's okay. I am against tall tops. I mean, tall bottoms. I'm five, I'm five, ten. If you are above six feet, I'm not bending your long ass over, dogs. So I would be a top? You would be?

Well, would you? but you're but you could stand up you gotta whip that dick out but here's the beauty of being gay is that you guys have gotten very organized about fucking so you could be like

there's a there's like a community I'm sure of tall Bobham there is a community and they're gonna be upset with me for saying this publicly and being a gay I'm not like violently I don't know her audience is gonna be

be down your throat too hard in this one you fucking After that WikiPhee review, I'm hoping I'm going to get some pleasant deems from this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody's looking to experiment. No, I just, you know what it is. It's also very, it's low-key rooted in like a heteronormative.

I feel so gay saying this shit. Heterol-normative, you know what I mean? But like, it is sort of that where I'm like, well, the tall guy's the man and the little guys in the bottom. That's how I used to live. So I say to Vita when we're on the road. I just feel like that's where I started. I was just like, well, when I was just being a bottom, I'm just like, well, yep, the guy's got to be like up here. Right.

I got to be snuggled underneath him. But the older I've gotten, I've been like, man, get up off of me. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I need me a bitch, though. Right. That was my, that was my bottom phase. And now I'm kind of like, I'm like leaning more into being like, yeah, yeah.

But that shit comes with responsibility to. That's true. You got to pay for shit. Yeah, now I'm the fucking, now I'm the dude. I'm like, well, hold on. I've been on some dates. and you know the bottom You're gonna pay

But the cool thing is I'm like hey hey You got a dick too dog Like yeah If you get mugged You can both beat up the guy My wife cowers I gotta step up

You guys can both tag team him Wait a minute Yeah I mean yeah It can turn out that you can't break out of those Those gender roles It exists It's like anyone who goes online And like yells at you

About whatever version of that they found you're like what a high horse like what a you ever when you're not in it yeah it's so true this is a steak I smell a steak I like personality types too it's like they just kind of find each other but it's also aesthetically too gay is gay people are very like aesthetic driven where like also like you know um Sam j and punky and like you know like Shantay Wayans like they all present the way that they present and you talk to any stuff and they're like yeah sometimes especially those three and they're like yeah sometimes um A stud will approach me.

And I'm like, bitch, if you don't get your bitch ass out of my face. Like, that's gay. I ain't fucking no. There's like two dudes fucking. I want a bitch. I want a bitch. Long store. Yeah, yeah.

But there's also like stud on stud. Do you ever see yourself settling down? He just was saying open relationship. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know right now. There's a lot that I need. that I, there's a lot that I need to do for myself

before I let any, here's the thing, like, when I, I was in my relationship when I got fired right from S&L. And so the thing about that is that before I got at S&L and like just before I got passed at the seller, I was still sort of, it was like coming out of the pandemic. So I was like still in like my, you know, my grind and like, you know, just focus don't stand up and like trying to get the next thing or whatever.

And so when I was done with S&L, my ex had like this front row seat to like a mental breakdown where I wasn't like throwing shit but I was like depressed. I was like fucked up and kind of like waking up with like stress dreams about 30 Rock and like just like kind of like going through that like after that little bit of after like brain fall coming back up for air and also it just like leaving there like I said I went straight to the cellar right after when I found out that I wasn't coming back and I was just trying to get as much stage time as possible, like start him doing, okay, I'm gonna do an hour at Union Hall.

I'm gonna go do the seller a bunch. I'm gonna put him in their veils at all these different clubs. So I was really back out in New York City in the way that I used to. And I think that like my ex, when we got together, I was like riding high in like a job, like a cool job. You know what I'm doing shit. And that probably masked a lot of the insecurity.

The first time he ever came to see, to see the show live at SNL, I was in the fucking monologue. I was like doing like, and I'm like, this is not every day. I'm not on the cast or whatever, but it was like that type of shit. So it was like when, yeah,

coming out of it and then he's singing me like, oh shit, I got to get back into like stand up, you know, everyday theme or six spots a night. That's what I kind of went back to. Because you want to feel like the worth, you know, you know.

And you need someone to put it, you know, you got fired. You need someone to put that energy. I mean, my calendar during that period of time, I just as a seller spots to stand New York I was back I was back doing that and he'd never seen that side sure and it really exposed but that's something that's something we all deal with I think like that was like the move to Florida you

I'm like stand-up I'm like you know I had to I the thing you got I'm like trying to learn is like how do I differentiate between a spot that I'm like using to work or a spot that I'm doing because I want to check a box and feel like I did something right I didn't do nothing It's hard when you... Sometimes you just use it to get out of the house. Right. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. You don't even need to be doing it right now.

You want to go out and do the thing that I've been doing. And socialize a little and get a dopamine hit. Right. Now, what about you with this? Because you almost got married. You were at the buzzer. What do you talk about? A couple years ago?

No, I was moved in with someone and then we broke up. Oh, I thought you were engaged. No, no, no engagement. I ended it. What did you eat early today? I had a burrito. It was yummy in my tummy. It's not, it's not there's a day.

I can already see my DMs being filled with that meme. I can't wait. Trolling me. At least you know they're India. They're India. This is the worst talk to you're ever, Marks. So you get married recently. This is why I don't wear white pants.

You know Carson was farting up a storm. That's not playing. Iron Allen, this is his movie. My ass is unleashed. All right. So I thought you were engaged, my bad. No, no, no, no. I was, we broke up 2021 and then I was single until, you know, January.

Oh, because I was living in the village and then you showed up all of a sudden and I bumped it on the street. You're like, have you been to this bar or this bar? I'm like, buddy, I've been here. You're very organized in life. You really can make a list. I like Schindler. That's my move. No, I had a lot of places I would go that like, but I, you know, I like go on the road.

I'm like looking up places. Yeah, yeah. You know, I... You're a Yelp. Jared's a fun guy to drink with. He's the type of guy whenever he turns around, it's another drink. He just keeps handing you drink.

It's the best until you wake up the next drink. That was my problem with drinking. It's like I, the social aspect of it is fun. But I can, I, when I go, I go. Yeah, same. But then I would be at like, Wilfia Nels in the West Village. I'd be sitting at the corner of the bar,

just like, get done with the martini, and you're like, I'll do another. Like, I think that, you know, comedy like this lifestyle if you're on your own you have no one to answer to you know you go what am I going to do I'll do one more why not I got no one you know I did my

thing I ended the day you know I yeah I think a lot of that there was one night this when I first met my wife you were going out it was you Michelle Wolf Che and Nemesh and you guys invited me murderers rowed drinkers yeah it's like

2018 2017 and we went to Marie's Crisis. Oh, yeah. And my wife was like, this is the coolest life. We're hanging out with Che and Wolf and you and Nemesh and just, we had our own table as a fucking live band going. You're bringing drinks in every 10 minutes.

People are singing. I had a video pop on my phone memories, which, and it was you, me, Michelle, and Chee at Arthur's drunkenly singing Purple Rain. Yes. That sounds right. And I remember that because it was in the winter. It was in the winter, right? Those are like the most

Those memories pop up on your phone I don't know if you guys have a dock on your phone But can you guys pop up memories Some of these are just like It pops up on the dock And I'm like it's just like me and an X I'm like ah fuck Let me cover that shit

You gotta get them ex You gotta get them experts out of there Because the phone will remind you Remember this? Yeah But I like those The memories of friends Because you can be like

You can take it And then be like you can send it to them You can send it to your friend Be like look at this You're like holy shit It's an excuse to get back in touch We've all gotten fatter. No, those nights in the village,

those are like the most fun nights. And like, you know, you want to figure out how you can do those without alcohol. Like, that's like kind of like, how do you even replicate? How you end up singing Prince without alcohol? I don't know, you have a mental breakdown. But it's also like being a regular at like a place that helps, that does aid in like the just like binge drinking of it all.

Because like you'll go. Like I have a couple of spots that I have like downtown where like they know me. I know them. And so they know that I'm good for it. They know I'll give them the money. So they'll just like, here you go. We'll close you out later. And all you got to do is give them like 40 bucks.

And they're like, yeah, I'll take that. That's just a tip. You're out of here. That is back to the vein of like, oh, the pint glass with three shots is not what I needed right now. But see, how do you skip? This is why I can't stop drinking. Yeah. I remember going on the road with Michelle when I was opening for her.

And we would play this fun game of like we would get done with a drink. and I'd be like, one more. And we'd always go, one more. And it became the joke. That was the genesis of our podcast. This was originally called One More Drink. Oh, really? And we found another pot with that.

But yeah, we did the same thing. It's a lot of alcoholics do that move, Jared. I guess we're all the same boat. Either with friends or internally to me. I have one more. You said that to a bartender or enough. You'd be like, I'll have one more. Like, motherfuckeruck, you've been here for three hours.

You slept to, dude. Albuquerque, New Mexico, we're at this, like, casino. And I remember like one more, one more. And I just wake up in this hotel and I'm like, where the fuck am I? Yeah. And it's like not an airport with a lot of flights. And I'm like, I have to leave here. Yes, you have to.

To go. And, you know, but we still joke one more. Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, like Jared's new special, Netflix. Yeah. Give it a look. A family plan. Always hilarious.

Same with Alex English. Always hilarious. Thanks, Doc. Killer stuff. Great hang with you guys. Yeah. Plug some dates coming up, guys. Oh, where are you going to be?

Is that me? Yeah. Oh, okay. That was Athens, I believe. Yeah, I'm all over you. Oh, yeah, go someone else first. When are you going to Athens? Oh, I have like one date on my calendar.

I literally have nothing right now. By the time this comes out, I'm hoping someone will have done something to make this difference. I'm going to be in Huntington, New York at the Paramount. But the special, 30, or not 37. The family plan, it's a one-hour story about going on the beach with my parents. My dad asked me how much I weigh, and I make fun of, Boomer, Millennial Relasia, make fun of Rob Lo. You went with Swade.

I went with a Swade. That looks great. Yeah. No, Sal Acuse took the pictures. No, I'm really proud of it. I'm excited to see people. And watch it with, like, your family. I told people to bring their parents.

All right. All right. All right. Well, watch Jared Special. Go see Alex. We love you guys. Right, right. We'll see you next week.

Part two. All right. Have a good one, guys. Bye, bye. Bye-bye. and shit about the fucking post and I'm out to lunch here in New Two and five Canadians will hear the words

You have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research.

Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca.