We Might Be Drunk - Dan Soder

Starting point is 00:00:00 Alright, let's go. Wow. That's a rare Norman mess. Are we rolling? Yeah. Fastball. Joined by Dan Soder here. Talking tour bussing. Hey, hey. What are you going to be doing? I'm going to be doing it pretty hard. But yeah, you can't sleep. I couldn't sleep when I was with you and Jay and Bert because Bert would just talk till like 4 a.m.

Starting point is 00:00:25 and I'd be like wired. Yeah. Yeah. Are you up? Yeah. But comics need a little recharge down time. That bus you wake up and they're like, how you feeling today, big guy?

Starting point is 00:00:36 Like, please, please. The best is I was. I think I finally, I would like sleep in patches on the bus. I was telling Sam, I'm not a good sleeper on tour buses. And then one time the whole curtain just opened and Peter blue rules Burt's assistant was like, hey They're doing morning radio and they want you to come up and I was like no

Starting point is 00:00:56 Then just five minutes later Pete comes back and he goes They're really asking for you. Yeah But then it ended up being fun because you get up. Here's the thing about it. Here's the thing about going on the road with Burt is when you get up, it is partying. So it feels a little like college where you're like, yeah, I'll get fucked up. Like he was like, bring a joint with you.

Starting point is 00:01:14 You could smoke in the studio. And I was like, I never get this opportunity by myself. And it's shit you would never do on your own. If you were in a hotel in Poughkeepsie, you'd be like, fuck that. But with Burt, you're like, I'll get on a fishing boat and catch a fucking squid. Yeah, we went to the Ozarks when we were in Missouri and I was like, this actually is very fun. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:32 What do you do in the Ozarks? We just swam. We just went to the water and swam and it was great. We got that great shot of us with the little shark we caught. And I'm fucking squeezing the shit out of it because the guy was like, squeeze it. And then everyone was like, Soda, you're squeezing it too hard. I was like, hey, you're not gonna go anywhere. Yeah, I don't have the manliness of me to know how to squeeze something.

Starting point is 00:01:52 No. I didn't grow up with a dad, so I just go like, it's either too much or too little. Right, and then Big J's out there in jean shorts and like a Phillies jersey. Well, I told him, I was like, you shouldn't wear your shoes. He was gonna wear his good shoes,

Starting point is 00:02:04 and I was like, we're getting on a boat, and then the second the water started good shoes and I was like we're getting on a boat and then the second the water started Coming over. He's like, thank god. I did you like yeah that happened Yeah, me Chrissy and Emesh did a gig in Chicago and this guy from only fans was like come on my boat I want to like alright, so we just go on a boat and we all stupidly were like We'll just take the stick the boat to the casino. Oh That's in like great. It's in like Hammond, Indiana Like we could take he's like I get that you there in the boat and we're like, we'll just take the boat to the casino. Oh, that sounds great. It's in like Hammond, Indiana. Like we could take, he's like, I get to get you there on the boat.

Starting point is 00:02:27 And we're like, that's a great idea. He starts going, we're in our show outfit and it's just, just getting soaked. Wait, you went on the, you went in your show outfit? We, he's like, I'll take you to the venue. So we figured. Wow. We had to edit. By boat? Yeah, by boat.

Starting point is 00:02:40 We thought like, this is gonna be bad ass. And then we were soaked and we're just. Yeah. And I'm like, this is the one night, I'm gonna wear a suede jacket. Just stretch, god damn it. And we like pull over, pull over. So we had to dock us and we had to take a cab, just soaked.

Starting point is 00:02:54 Oh, squishy shoes? Yeah, they were squishy. It sounds like a joke, a Jew, an Indian, and an Italian. Yeah. Got a tugboat. Sounded like he was trying to get rid of them. He goes, I can get rid of three of them right now. There won't be a problem. Remember the kid who lived in a tugboat. Sounded like he was trying to get rid of them. He goes, I can get rid of three of them right now. There won't be a problem.

Starting point is 00:03:07 Remember the kid who lived in a houseboat? There was always a guy who lived in a houseboat when I was a kid. Not in New York City. And I grew up landlocked in Colorado, unless he lived on the Cherry Creek Reservoir. This is a real buy you up. Because you guys remember how everyone got a fan boat when they were 15?

Starting point is 00:03:22 And you're like, nope. Remember chasing gators on Florida? You remember when a gator would crawl in in the early morning and you'd have gator and eggs? And you're like, never had. Woo, go out and get the P-Rog, get some crawdad. He lived on a... There was always a guy who lived in a boat as a kid.

Starting point is 00:03:37 Now I'll tell you the High Plains white trash version of that, which is a 16 year old that gets his own apartment because he's like not living with his parents. That feels like the version. That is also awesome. Dude, it is awesome. That's the best. You could go over there and just like smoke cigarettes. That's what I always want.

Starting point is 00:03:55 I was like. If he gets 22, it's pretty sad, but at 16, you're like, this kid's a fucking kid. Oh yeah. 16 though it is, it means something really bad happened. If you're living by yourself at 16 or 17, nothing great happened. That's a good point. They weren't like, you know what?

Starting point is 00:04:10 You want a house? Yeah, you got all A's. You're gonna live by yourself. No, it's dads in jail. We feel bad. Mom's boyfriend gets a little handsy. Yeah. I gotta go live in whatever apartment complex

Starting point is 00:04:23 was close by, like the Cherry Knoll or something. Right. It was always, that's the Colorado names were always named after creek beds or something. And it was a bunch of old people and your friends. Oh, it was great. It was great. But the houseboat is wild.

Starting point is 00:04:36 Houseboat was big. I mean, it was free. You could just get up and fish and go out and you would go to school in the houseboat. It was great. What do you use, docket? Yeah. At school? Docket, put the book bag on. The houseboat. It was great. What, do you just dock it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:45 At school? Dock it, put the book bag on. The houseboat is cool if you're Tony Soprano and it's like your second thing. It's not great if it's your primary resident. Unless you're a disgraced detective that's really good at fucking. There we go. Oh, Rick, John McDonald books, dude. Like in Florida noir.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Oh, there you go. You love your noirs. I love my dude. But the detective who solves the cases on the boat is kind of badass Yeah, cuz you're just you know you're down in the dumps a little bit It's the romantic thing of a physical manifestation of you being down is like living on a boat you want the Lethal weapon guitar lick playing yeah Yes! Yes!

Starting point is 00:05:21 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Starting point is 00:05:41 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I don't know, but that's how Hollywood like, this is my problem with celebrities doing commercials,

Starting point is 00:05:45 is you're robbing a whole group of people that used to make their living. Oh. Yeah, this is it. Oh, this is the kid waking up. Why'd you have to blow up my wife? But for our gay asses, it's like this, it's like, that new one didn't work last night. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:06:02 I thought that crowd work riff was gonna be a lot funnier that fat chick in the condo That waitress said she didn't have a husband, but she did I think Joe DeRosa jacked off in this condo How does Piff the magic dragon sell so much Is fluffy fat actually fluff is he actually fluffy? He's not fluffy anymore if he's skinny. How do I get a riverbone? Where did Matt Rife buy that head peak? You see his promo with Billy Idol?

Starting point is 00:06:36 It's pretty fun. No, Billy Idol. It's kind of cool. Pull it up. Yeah dude, I mean when you get that famous, I think calling in favors, like us getting someone that famous for a promo is a huge deal. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:46 I think this is better for Billy Idol's career. That's true. Whoa. White mocha. Cheers. Yeah. It's a nice day for a white mocha. Oh shit.

Starting point is 00:07:00 Kind of fun. It's fun. Shot beautifully. Yeah. All right, we got it though. That's the gist of it. It's fun. Shot beautifully. Yeah. We got it though, that's the gist of it. Nice cheese stash. We'll have to watch the whole.

Starting point is 00:07:13 All right. Good. We were on a good momentum thing with that. I really derailed with them. Well, you made a whole movie. Geez, I know. Yeah, this uncut, there's like three hours. It's like a 824 commercial.

Starting point is 00:07:23 Yeah. Like the brutalutalist. We made fun of it on the bonfire years ago, but there used to be a thing called, Billy Idol wanted you to stop idling in New York City. Do you remember this? No. It was like, I'm Billy Idol, stop idling your car.

Starting point is 00:07:38 And you're like, what the fuck? So this is way better. I'm happy to see he's working his way up. I miss those New York taxi cab things. And this might be before you guys came to New York but they used to do a thing where they'd be like, this is Paul O'Neill from the New York Yankees. Buckle up for safety. Great.

Starting point is 00:07:52 This is Dr. Ruth. It would just be an celebrity. You know what my favorite one was? At DIA when you get on the train and it goes like do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. It'd be like, this is Peyton Manning. Oh yeah. Welcome to Denver.

Starting point is 00:08:06 The one that always made me laugh was Andrew Luck in Indianapolis, the former Colts quarterback, because he has my voice. So he'd be like, hey, this is Andrew Luck. Thanks for coming to Indianapolis. And I'd be like, that's me. That's fun. Is it a win or a lose when it's like,

Starting point is 00:08:22 like Billy Idol, Don't Idol? Yeah. Is that a win, like, hey, my song got picked, it all song got picked it all worked out are you like I'm that guy now I cause sting had a deodorant commercial and said don't stand don't stand so and I'm sure he made a shit ton of money but I'm like now you're the deodorant guy yeah but then he shows you his houseboat right that was the Billy that was the Billy Idol don't idle right right oh the, so I don't know him. It was like really quick, but yeah dude,

Starting point is 00:08:48 that's when you get asked to do a commercial like that, the money better be. Oh yeah. He got paid every day from Diddy from doing I'll Be Missing You. Oh, Sting did? So he hurts from Diddy going to prison, I guess. Good point.

Starting point is 00:09:01 Diddy going bankrupt is bad for him. That's, he's a character witness. Ha ha ha, please, he's a. Yeah, yeah, yeah is bad for him. He's a character witness. Please. He always seemed nice to me. He's like, I taught him tantric sex. So he didn't bust in any of those kids. So is it sex? It's gotta be crazy surreal as an aging musician. When you call up customer service and you hear your phone, your song on the whole, you know, and you're like, oh man, White Wedding.

Starting point is 00:09:25 You know what made me feel old as fuck? Flying into Seattle, they played Soundgarden as the baggage claim. Oh! And you're like, we're cooked. Bummer. If you're an elder millennial or Gen X, we're old. Right.

Starting point is 00:09:40 Spoon man! Yeah, it was like, I forget what's, I think it was. That band kicks ass. I mean, they're the best. It was really funny to be like waiting for my bag and it was like, my wave, my wave, my wave. And you're like, oh no. Yeah, cause party's like, here we, ah, shit, I'm old. Damn.

Starting point is 00:10:01 Once elevator music is the shit you grew up with. Yeah, that's what we're at. This is like a really swanky hotel maybe and they're just trying to be hip, but then even then. Yeah, but it does hurt. You know at a houseboat, pull this up, Kelsey Grammer. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:16 Yo, I thought, this is just a theory. Well, it's not a theory. His ex-wife was on The Real Housewives or whatever. She's like crazy hot. Back in the day, she was like an MTV Spring Break girl, which makes me think Frazier was getting some crazy pussy. Oh yeah, it's Kelsey Grammer. He's like, hey baby, I hear the blues are calling,

Starting point is 00:10:34 why don't you come suck me off? Like I'll toss your salad. And have some scrambled eggs. He'd eat my ass and then he would make me watch him eat eggs. Niles would come in and double team. He goes, Niles, friend, what if we have a little menage a trois? Apparently he's a raging alcoholic. Really? Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:54 Really tragic childhood. Mm-hmm. Isn't that weird when you were like, oh, I never expected Frazier Crane to have? Look at this resume of Poon. Yeah. He was on drugs those whole first few seasons, so if you rewatch them, it's insane how good he is. Because he's literally sticking the landing

Starting point is 00:11:11 on these crazy act-outs, and he's high out of his fucking mind. That's like when you find out Stephen King wrote a whole book and he doesn't remember it. Because he was all fucked up. Babe Ruth just eating sausages and, you know... Right. That breakfast? What up. Babe Ruth just eating sausages and you know. Right. That breakfast. Smoking, yeah. What was that Babe Ruth breakfast?

Starting point is 00:11:28 Like steak and eggs and sausage. Whiskey. Yeah, everything. And then he's just he's just taking them deep. They say it was half black. Yeah. Well, maybe he knew maybe half black. Maybe he knew that he's like, you know, he's like white guys ain't going to pitch to me this Right, we get drunk and get the meat sweats. Yeah Was he before he was before Jackie? Oh, yeah. No, he was playing just against white guys

Starting point is 00:11:53 Yeah, oh, well, there you go. Why a lot of the you know, a lot of the baseball people be like, yeah Is he right? No real competition. That was a great line that Colin had in train, right? Yeah in Schumer's room He's like a 12 year old Dominican would have fucking Taken Babe Ruth yard, right? And you're like, yeah, you're right baseball was everything back then dude That was that team was fucking Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig back-to-back Also, what sucks is Lou Gehrig got a horrible disease in the time when science was like, oh, yeah It was like bad science was just bad and they're like well Lou we're gonna name it after you and he's like it's horrible yeah yeah it's not a sandwich

Starting point is 00:12:30 in a deli yeah you know he was like dropping so there was a really sad part of his book where he's just like drop he can't like rip he's dropping stuff and young Joe DiMaggio is just next to him and he's just like that's his hero and he did and they both just like cried. Jesus. Fucking dark moment. It's like when you meet Jackie Mason, you're like, oh, you're a dick. You're like bumming me out. Oh, daughter.

Starting point is 00:12:50 Do you do a Jackie Mason? I assume you do. No, I do a Rodney Dangerfield. Hey. You make your choices in life. Are you a Dangerfield or are you a Mason? Yeah, good question. Can you do Buddy Hackett? No, good question. You do buddy hack it. No

Starting point is 00:13:06 Danger field I just grew up watching so I learned how to do it It was the best I was like obsessed with him like everything from like The movie where he's the dog. Oh, yeah Rover Dangerfield to ladybugs, but then when my dad let me watch the like actual like, you know The caddy shack school back to school is huge when my dad let me watch the actual, the Caddy Shack. Back to school. Back to school was huge. When I got to watch Back to School with my dad,

Starting point is 00:13:29 and I popped, because the bad guys, Billy Zabka, the bad guy from Karate Kid. So when I was so young that I was like, that's Johnny from Karate Kid! And I just loved it. Yeah. Dean Martin. That always made me laugh.

Starting point is 00:13:44 Great actor, Ned Beatty. Great actor, Ned Beatty. Great actor, Ned Beatty. Literally, I had to play the dude in Deliverance, thank God. Yeah, Ain't Lee Ray. I want to know what the- You just didn't play that role. Yeah, I want to know what the story is with Kinnison

Starting point is 00:13:56 getting the role as the professor back in school. Because that was back in the day when a comic was getting famous. Another, like what Eddie Murphy did with Chris Rock in Beverly Hills Cop 2, Rodney kind of did with Kinnison in Back to School. Definitely. I'm sure he because he was right after the young comedian special. So he probably was like, get up here. And I love it because they do that thing about Vietnam. He's like, that's right. Tell them

Starting point is 00:14:19 what you're saying again. Yeah, this scene is like. You know a lot of people think history is just facts. It's just information about the past, but not me. I mean, I hold history very sacred. Sacred. The way the farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred. The way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred. The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. Ronnie's listening face is funny.

Starting point is 00:14:43 Why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last 20 years of American history. I'll say one of the easiest. Tell me why in 1975 we pulled our troops out of Vietnam. The failure of Vietnamese nation to impart their support cause an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American but illegal saigon regimes Is she right It's so funny. You could like see him getting mad. Yeah Good on there. I know a lot of people like to believe that I wish I could but I was there I wasn't here in a classroom hoping I was right, thinking about it.

Starting point is 00:15:25 I was up to my knees in rice paddies with guns and then we're going up against each other, slugging it out with him while pussies like me are getting the party in, putting headbands on too, and then we're going to have the goddamn Beatle albums. Oh, oh! Hey, Professor, take it easy, will you?

Starting point is 00:15:44 I mean, these kids, they were in grade school at the time and me I'm not a fighter Tim Dillon yeah 100% would have gotten the kids enroll great call cuz Tim Tim is so funny He could have been it into like a fucked up ran a rant where you go.'s funny yeah yeah like no matter what he's saying it's funny that's a great call that being said please don't remake this movie no don't stop no do it with Matt Rife stop he's like we're all gonna get laid and I mean it cuz all I've been doing is getting laid poor Ned oh Ned Beatty just getting fucked every bar he went into after that some guy got behind and went

Starting point is 00:16:25 Hey, what's up Ned Beatty? That's a rough audition too just one dude after another. Squeal like a pig. And that I bet I wonder how many fist fights Ned Beatty got into. Yes. Because some drunk idiot told him squeal like a pig Right. He's like hey, I'm with my family. We're at a nice dinner. It was a movie. Yeah People don't know how to separate. No, it's it's I'm with my family. We're at a nice dinner. It was a movie. Yeah. People don't know how to separate. No, it's I'm Rick James, bitch, at Disneyland. Man, that was the biggest bummer.

Starting point is 00:16:52 I got to see Chappelle when he came back from Africa in 2004 at the Ava Amphitheater in Tucson. And I spent like, I had no money. And I spent like $90. That's a little full of money. That's a lot of dough in 2004. I spent $90 to my friend Tank, shout out Tank. He ran the people for the Ava Amphitheater

Starting point is 00:17:13 and he's like, I can get you a really good seat. Chappelle's my guy, so I was like, he's back from Africa. I fucking can't wait. I was so excited for the new bits. I fucking smoked a joint. I walked in, I sat down, and he started great bit about white guys on meth fighting a group of black guys. A bit he's never done on a special.

Starting point is 00:17:33 It was very, very funny. He's like, you should never fight a white guy that's shirtless and jean shorts with grease all over his chest. Something's happening with him. And he like does a whole thing about how they beat him up and it doesn't work. And I was like, on cloud nine. And then it just started. People going like, crack. Oh, James, bitch. I'm Rick James. And then people

Starting point is 00:17:55 were going, this was the worst. He'd be setting up a bit and they just go, yeah. And he'd be like, all right, all right. And you saw him go like, okay, all right be like, all right. All right, and you saw him go like Okay. All right, like all right. It just sucked. I was so mad I was doing the white guy thing where you look behind you like at a movie when black people are talking I'm not gonna say anything, but I'll look but I'm mad just know I'm getting huffy Even though it's not the theater It's not we know that it's not the theater's fault. We know that it's not the theater's fault. And he had a great line though at one point, he was like doing a joke and this lady was like, day for president!

Starting point is 00:18:31 He goes, president? I can't even do three seasons on cable. He goes, you will get to the second year of my administration and they'd be like, the president has left simply with a note on his desk that said fuck it. Great. And I saw him riff that. The president has left simply with a note on his desk that said, fuck it. You're like, great. And I saw him riff that.

Starting point is 00:18:46 So for me, it was like, I had my first joke book on me. He signed my first joke book. How'd you meet him? You just waited? People were yelling for him after the show. And then I just like went and was like, will you sign this? Will you sign this?

Starting point is 00:19:00 And then he signed it and he kept my pen. And I was like, can I get my pen back? But yeah, I have that joke book somewhere. It's funny. Like I saw Carlin, I saw a sign from really young and I remember everything, you remember everything. She's like, they're in front of me, holy shit. I remember David Tell Playbill from Carolin. There you go. I still have it.

Starting point is 00:19:17 It's crazy and then you like, you just know him now and you're like, I don't know Chappelle, but like knowing Colin Quinn. Who do you know? All right. No. Oh, I bet he does. No, I've been introduced Quinn. What do you write? All right. No. Oh, I bet he does. No, I've been introduced to him at least four times. And you're like. I do remember one night at the cellar,

Starting point is 00:19:30 there's like years and years ago. I was blacked out drunk. Yeah, it was probably like eight or 10 years ago or something and dancing, talking to him at the cellar. And then you went on stage and I sat down right after you and he just looked up at me and goes, it was great talking to you. Oh.

Starting point is 00:19:44 He thought I was you. Oh really? Yeah, that's crazy. You know what I'll talk to him like since then and he's been really cool. Oh yeah, he does it every time. Michelle Wolf's introduced me, other people, I just am like, I don't wanna push it.

Starting point is 00:19:55 I feel that way about like a lot of celebrities that I like. If I really enjoy somebody's stuff, I'm not pushing to meet him. You don't push it. No, never push. Like Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age is my favorite musician of all time. He's kind of been around,

Starting point is 00:20:07 like Bill Burr opens for him sometimes. I'll never push that. No, and it'll happen eventually. If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I think there's nothing wrong with this idea that you have to be friends with every person you like. You can just be a fan.

Starting point is 00:20:20 That's true. And being a fan sometimes is very valuable. It's better. Yeah, because you're just like, you know I'm glad I never met Ned Beatty cuz I Suck say I would have gone I hate to say this but Could you screw like a big he goes god damn it I ruined it with Eddie Vedder I What yeah, I went to um, I'm you know, I'm not a huge Pearl Jam fan, but

Starting point is 00:20:44 we did we did Bonnaroo in 2015. Mm-hmm. And oh, yeah It didn't go well for me because I brought a girlfriend and didn't really go the best I remember that didn't have the greatest time. Yeah, so Ari Shafir was like that bad Or was it just the girlfriend? Its sets were bad. It was just it was clingy. Don't go with your friends. Come with me It was we could was clingy. Don't go with your friends. Come with me It was really good. Yeah, it was one of those things were and Ari being the the secret mensch that he is Because he'll never be loud about it. Yeah, and then she was never heard of again Only some teeth were found in a lake, but he was like dude. Let's go back 2016 he was like, you know let's go back 2016.

Starting point is 00:21:25 He was like, you know, obviously you can't get booked, but he worked a deal out with Rocky, who had book comedy. And he's like, we're gonna do a secret show, two in the morning, and it'll be me, you, Sean Patton and Jack Knight. That was like the show. Nice.

Starting point is 00:21:39 And I was like, great. And he's like, I got an RV, we can stay there. And we've got wristbands and food tickets. Well, didn't get paid. Well, it was awesome. So I went that year. It was like Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson, Nate Barghetti, a couple of other people with the comedy tent. So people we knew. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:56 Specifically, Pete and Nate. And like I'm hanging out with Nate and then Eddie Vedder. Pearl Jam is headlining Eddie Vedder's friends with Judd Apatow. So he came to the comedy tent. Whoa! And we were just sitting outside talking, and I was having a great conversation with him. We were talking about weather and humidity and Hawaii versus Chicago.

Starting point is 00:22:14 All that, like... Wow. That's a great conversation. We were talking about the weather. It was. But I'm gonna tell you right now, we were locked in. We were having a good convo. And I know he knows that.

Starting point is 00:22:23 But... He's sick of talking about Pearl Jam. That's exactly it. And watching everyone suck his dick around him, you're like, you're so amazing. You changed my life. And I was like, fuck this Tennessee heat. And he's like, brother, you're telling me.

Starting point is 00:22:35 And then we went into it. And he was smoking a cigarette. And I was smoking a joint. We're just having a fucking hang. And then they were like, Eddie, they're going to take you. And I went, hey, man, do you mind if I get a picture? And it ruined it? It's just like you could just see his face be like damn. Yeah, you went from like a pier to

Starting point is 00:22:52 Yeah, and that's why I was like, I don't think if I would have done that again, I wouldn't have taken a picture Is that it? Yeah One worth it really but you have that forever look how fucking high I am Oh, man, you look I am ripped like the sham Wow guy Yeah, and I just lost a bunch of weight so I was wearing these tight t-shirts I was like oh I could finally wear tight t-shirts. It's disgusting though. That's nine years ago. I know that's wild Yeah, and then when I did it here's why I also felt bad get it out. Sorry. Yeah, dude. I felt it rumble in my hand What sucks is why I also felt bad, get it out. Sorry. Yeah, dude, I felt it rumble in my hand. Um. That was weaker.

Starting point is 00:23:26 What sucks is everyone else started asking for pictures after I did it. Ah. So it even, it ruined it even more. There was like five other people that wanted a picture and you're like. You were the Katrina Floodgate. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:37 Right, you were the Levy. Oh, the Levy's broke. What was that Louis story? You had that funny Louis, uh. Back in the day? Yeah. Woo. I am just now on good ground with Louis What was that Louis story? You had that funny Louis... Back in the day? Yeah. Woo! I am just now on good ground with Louis,

Starting point is 00:23:48 and I have not told him the story, but it was an infamous one in our group of friends. Oh yeah. I remember it. So remember Comedy Village? The old Boston? Boston, on Third Street? A little bit.

Starting point is 00:23:59 It was on Third Street. Wasn't CB's? No, no, CB's was McDougal. So it was like that way, like straight? It was on West Third, it was next to Il Milino. Yeah. The firehouse. Yeah, and then became like Zinc Bar.

Starting point is 00:24:12 Yes. I know. Yeah, and so it was the comedy village in the West Village, the old Boston, it was the old Boston comedy club. And I used to bark Monday nights. There was like a show there that this lady, Daniella, put on.

Starting point is 00:24:28 And I would bark and List would host. Hey, all right. And this was like when we first started hanging out. It was 2007, 2008. And we'd drink a lot. Oh yeah. Christie, the waitress, would feed us shots that we couldn't afford.

Starting point is 00:24:45 So you'd do a double shot of Jameson, and then my barking got real good. You're out there like, what are you doing? You wanna talk? I'm like, all right. You're the legend of the drunken barkers. But I found out, when I was barking, I found out it was like a cheat code.

Starting point is 00:24:58 I could sit in the front of the place and smoke cigarettes and just hang out with all the comics. Like when it was warm out, everyone would just hang out front and I could just like chill and hang out. Was it Voss and Keith and Norton? But it was Monday nights, so it was like Norton would come around

Starting point is 00:25:13 and be like shh, but it was like me, List, Ira Proctor, Dan Bolger. Wow. Like you would come around sometimes. A little bit, yeah. But once in a while, and then it was like Matt Ruby and a bunch of people would be there just kinda hanging out. And List was opening for DePaulo,

Starting point is 00:25:29 and List was like, I gotta go around to this cellar, DePaulo's there, I gotta get my check from last weekend. And I was like, great. And he comes back, he was hosting, so he ran back out of breath, and he's like, Louie's there, he's like, Louie's there. And Louie was working on Chewed Up. Oh! So it was like, he was building Chewed Up. And he's like, Louis there. And Louis was working on Chew'd Up. Oh!

Starting point is 00:25:45 So it was like, he was building Chew'd Up. And he's like, Louis doing sets. Go tell him we got a show working. There was like maybe eight people. Yeah. And he's like, go tell him we got a show working. And I was like, oh, okay. Way out of my- I see. He's like, I'm gonna tell him about the well.

Starting point is 00:25:58 I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And he's like, you better go, boy. Go get him. And I went over there and Shaq, RIP Shaq, the bouncer from the cellar, Big Jay introduced me to him, so he was the only person I knew really on the staff at that point. Gentle giant.

Starting point is 00:26:15 Yeah dude, the best. Shaq was the best. And I was like, Shaq, can I go watch Louis's set? Is he on right now? And Shaq was like, yeah, he's on stage, I'll let you in. So he walked me downstairs, I watched the back half of Louis set from the hallway.

Starting point is 00:26:30 Yeah. He got off, and I was drunk. I was like, I was pretty drunk. Oh yeah. We'd been drinking shots. It's just a bad combo of drunk and... Excited, nervous. And your idol is like, one of the comedy gods gets offstage.

Starting point is 00:26:46 And I was like, he got offstage and I was like, great set, Louie. And he's like, thanks man. And I was like, the village is working. And he goes, what? And I go, the village is working. And he goes, I don't know. And I go, the village is working?

Starting point is 00:27:03 I go like three times I think. He like looks at me in like a very Louie way of like, and I go, I don't know what I'm talking about. And he goes, either do I. And then he just turned around and walked up the steps and that was it. And dude, I came back. This is something that's burning my brain.

Starting point is 00:27:21 This is something, because Joe is so animated like stuff. And I'm walking down West third and I'm coming to the thing and he's going my brain. This is something, because Joe is so animated like stuff. And I'm walking down West Third, and I'm coming to the thing, and he's going like this. He's going. He's going. You know that list? He goes, what'd he say? Woo!

Starting point is 00:27:35 He goes, is Louie coming? Is Louie coming? And I go, I told him the village is working. And he goes, what? And I go, I told him the village is working. And let's think about it. And he goes, we're in the village and I go I know I just tried to sound cool

Starting point is 00:27:50 Doesn't make any sense And then anytime Lou would come around, I mean I quit drinking but anytime Lou would come around I'd be like, yeah fuck Yeah, well, we've all had the I you know, my famous one with Louie where I'm opening for him We're having a good time hanging out his hotel room. I'm sitting on his bed, he's at the desk, Liss is in a chair, I think Wolf was there, somebody else, and I thought it'd be funny to rip a huge fart. And he flipped, he's like, what the fuck was that? I was like, you're Louie, you're like the fart Dirkhoff guy.

Starting point is 00:28:18 Like, what do you care? And he's like, you're on my bed. We've been through this too, where like, on the Daily Show, there's a clip of him being like, you're gonna find farts funny, you're an my bed. We've been through this to were like on the daily show. There's a clip of him being like Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Mark literally got this. I'm sorry what No, what did I do? Oh, I did a show with Louie. Yeah, I've like done it cuz a list I've done a couple shows with Louie have not brought up the village is working No, I'm surprised list hasn't brought up the village. I think he would find it funny at this point.

Starting point is 00:28:45 Yeah. I think he would go like, oh, well, you're retarded. Yeah. Yeah, I was being stupid. I was being like, I was just so excited. Yeah, of course. I was like, and you don't know what to say.

Starting point is 00:28:56 Yeah. It's almost like you're hitting on a beautiful woman. That's what it is. Where you're like, I want to make you feel good. Right, it's like the Eddie Vedder. You talked about the weather. You didn't go, you're so pretty, let me take you out. You were like, hey, it's cold out, you know,

Starting point is 00:29:08 but then you got the number at the end with the photo. I did, where I was like, thank you. You almost just jerk off before you talk to Louie. Yeah. Rub one half. Empty the tank. I don't care anymore. You go, oh, you're here?

Starting point is 00:29:18 Yeah. Sorry, I want to talk to Dan Natterman. Get out of my way. Do nothing to me now. Jerk off before you meet Louie is ironic. Yeah, that was like one of those things where we were coming up where I was like, fuck, fuck. We've all had them.

Starting point is 00:29:33 Yeah. Yeah. Have you had one? Yeah, I've had a few. Well, yeah, I had one with Louie. I'd rather not mention. Okay. Okay. But I have, I remember I was in Conan once and Luke Wilson, I was just hammered afterwards. I was like- Because you get excited.

Starting point is 00:29:47 Yeah, you know, I had a few, I had a couple whiskies before I went on and I'm in the green room and Luke Wilson, you know, came back, super nice guy. He's like, I'm gonna keep my eye on you. Never saw him again, of course, but in the moment you're like, oh cool. Yeah. And I was drunk so I was like, fucking Royal Tenenbaums and Rushmore Hall of Fame And I think I said Royal Tenenbaums in old school. You're in the Hall of Fame for those two and he was like, okay Okay is never good Meeting someone and them going okay But they do forget I when I first met Seinfeld at the Creek

Starting point is 00:30:24 I went to go see Colin Quinn's one man when he was running it back in the day. Yeah, unconstitutional. Yes, and Seinfeld's front row, because he was directing it or producing it, something, and I went up to him and I went, I was such a retard, drunk, you know, 22 year old, and I was like, you know, I'm the master of my domain.

Starting point is 00:30:40 And he just went. Oh! Yeah. He gave you his back. he gave me the back I'm sure he's heard that nine million times that baby bass rape yeah quality all the master of my domain yeah you're right you are hitting that one way too late I might as well go on up and go yeah what is that what are you doing what's that? What are you doing? What's the deal? Why are you quoting an old episode?

Starting point is 00:31:07 Stop! What did I think was going to happen? He'd go, oh shit! You know it, baby! No one does that! We should hang out. We should hang. It's funny to watch our friends start to get that now.

Starting point is 00:31:20 Like, Shane gets people being like, he's making a midnight. Oh, yeah. And Shane's people being like, he's making them at night. But every time I see that, I don't ever judge those people because I just think of me going, the village is working. So like anytime I see someone Shane go like, I'm a dog Shane, I'm making them at night. And he's like, all right. I'm like, I get it buddy, 20 years you're going to regret that. Yeah. What can you say? Cause you want to show you know them, but you don't want to, I don't know,

Starting point is 00:31:46 you got one opportunity. What do you say? Yeah, that's got to suck. It's tough. You want to kill it. Because you got to be like okay about it. Right. Yeah, no, that's a fan. You have to be nice to someone who is supporting your stuff. Yeah, the coolest one I ever got was a Billions fan. It was after the end of like season three

Starting point is 00:32:07 where I turn on Bobby Axelrod. I like leave the company or whatever. And I was walking to Sirius XM and this old black dude goes, can't believe you did that, man. And I had my earbuds in and I went, what's up? And he goes, why'd you do that? And I went, why did I do what?

Starting point is 00:32:24 He goes, you turned your back on my man Axe. And I was like, oh yeah, no, I don't know, sorry. An old black guy giving you props, he's like, thanks mister. Right, this is why I'll never play a slave owner in a movie. People still think you're that guy. That's why Brad Pitt wisely cast himself as a guy who freed the slave.

Starting point is 00:32:41 By the way, he didn't wisely cast that. He was the producer and he gave himself He was like hey, could you put me in the movie as the guy that only makes women come? Don't want to be anything by the way that's all of his movies anyway But no I love that he's just like he's got one scene, and he's like I'm gonna free you. I'm Canadian Yeah, so I've got none of this blood on my hands He does he comes in in 12 years of slave, and he's right. I've got blood on dude I mean DiCaprio's got a couple of big end bombs out there and Django. Well this I was actually just reading about how

Starting point is 00:33:13 He was uncomfortable with the script of Django and Samuel L. Jackson was like no say The people yeah, he wants you to say it say it make you uncomfortable I was just what you ever see this movie deep cover with Laurence Fishburne. Yeah, he wants you to say it. Say it! To make you uncomfortable. I was just watching. You ever see this movie Deep Cover with Laurence Fishburne? Yeah, absolutely. There's an opening scene where, you know, it's all these, like, black guys auditioning to be this undercover agent,

Starting point is 00:33:33 and there's this white guy interviewing them, and he goes, uh, what's the difference between an N-word and a black person? And he keeps asking them, and one guy punches him, another guy, like, freaks out, and here it is. Whoa. Damn. Whoa, anyone else hard?

Starting point is 00:34:01 Who wrote this, Salacuse? What's the difference between a black man and a nigger? Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Alright, thanks for coming in. That's the whole interview process? Damn! This is the easiest interview of all time. Tell me, do you know the difference between a black man and a nigger? Damn, this is the easiest interview of all time Well, you just answered it technically I Was like I was watching Mike hopefully there's more to this guy's role. Yeah, that's crazy. He went in and had to read that

Starting point is 00:34:45 Yeah, yes, can we not do that scene? Can we do the other scene? And they go, do the scene. There was some background noise. We're gonna need you to say it again. He's like, fuck. Oh, God. And these cameras are recording?

Starting point is 00:34:54 Yeah. Oh, plane went by. Do it again. Yeah. Room tone. Yeah. There's a callback in the end to it where Fishburne gets him, basically.

Starting point is 00:35:03 Oh, OK. He gets him in the end, but it's like. He goes, that's the difference. Yeah. Well, who would rather play this or Ned Beatty's role? Oh, great question. Damn, that is tough. That role, because you're not getting raped.

Starting point is 00:35:14 Yeah, that's a fake rape. That's a real end one. I don't care though, but like we were saying, people believe it's real. Yeah, true. Guys would just walk up to you and be like, do they have to sew your asshole back together? And I feel like black people give Leo props.

Starting point is 00:35:27 Like, Roy Wood even has that bit about him being like, we need guys like you to tell the story, basically. Well, that's why Louis' bit of goodbye Jews. That is like, I never even thought about the audition process till that bit. Yeah. Goodbye Jews. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:42 Truly hard. Yeah. It is so funny, because actors are very liberal and very like, you know, I don't want to hurt. Is this a safe space? And then they have to say wild ass things like that. I know, that's true. OK, here we go.

Starting point is 00:35:57 Get down there, you damn. I know, that's why I'm so glad. I think we're all safe here. We've never done a photo of us in blackface I know cuz like every time a Kimmel thing or a Sarah Silverman thing or a Jimmy Fallon thing It always bubbles right back up and you're like god damn it. It's gonna live forever. Well, you know Yeah, and it really is a picture says a thousand words. Yeah, and it's all the n-word That's the difference. That's the picture.

Starting point is 00:36:25 Yeah, and that's kinda suck. And I don't think Jimmy Kimmel's a racist. I don't think Sarah Silverman's a racist or a phallan, but he's like, that photo just lives. Yeah, at what point do you go like, cause you can't really get mad at it, cause you did it. Right. Kimmel's, it was the Carl Malone.

Starting point is 00:36:40 Yeah. Who's, why do they call it diabetes? Carl Malone thinks they need to call it little bt's look at world I got a little bt's but then some people get more mad at Kimmel for this than they are at Carl Malone for fucking a twelve-year-old that's true a twelve-year-old produced an NFL caliber tackle wait who's this twelve-year-? His kid ended up going. Whoa. This kid played in the NFL.

Starting point is 00:37:06 Karl Malone's illegitimate son played in the NFL. And then once he made it the NFL, Karl Malone was like, yeah, he's mine. Whoa. Yeah. Damn, that's the best case scenario, I guess. That's actually his real son. I'm talking about look up his the one from his from the from the grape. A 12?

Starting point is 00:37:26 From the Stat story grape. I'm talking TikTok now. Yeah. I'm gonna unalive myself. I had segs last night. Typing Carmelone Rape Baby. I don't know, that's probably the way. Sorry, Grape Baby.

Starting point is 00:37:36 That sounds racist. CarmeloneRapeBaby.com, there's a website for that. RapeBaby.com. It's a.net now. Oh, that's him. All right. Karl Malone Jr. OK. His name is Karl Malone Jr.

Starting point is 00:37:51 Yeah, they don't usually take the name. Yeah, they don't. It's not his name. It was rape baby Malone. It was he at there it is at age 20. Karl Malone had a child with a 13 year old. 13, which means he fucked when she was 12. And look it up.

Starting point is 00:38:05 The guy's name, I'm mad, I'm such a pothead, I usually know the guy's name, but he played, it's what? Bell? Yes. Damn, good name. Yeah. Demetrius Bell, that's exactly who it was.

Starting point is 00:38:17 Played in the NFL, and played in the NFL a while, like had a career. Wow. And once he was finally in the NFL, Karl Malone was like, is he in the NFL? Yeah, like had a career. Wow. And once he was finally in the NFL, Carl Malone was like, is he in the NFL? Yeah, that was my baby. Nah. But it's wild.

Starting point is 00:38:29 So the mom's like what, 28 now? Yeah, she's still out there. Yeah. She's younger than him. Demetrius Bell. Yeah, dude, isn't that wild? Yeah. Damn.

Starting point is 00:38:43 Man, sports are cool, man. But you're also like, if you're a rape baby, how mad are you that the rapist isn't a professional athlete caliber DNA? That's true. You're like, oh, my mom got raped by a fat little slug at the bar and now I'm, you know. Is that how they do it at the clinic? Well, he's an athlete. I think you should keep it.

Starting point is 00:39:01 Yeah, keep it. Yeah. What's the rapist's 40? You go four, four and you go, ah. Right, right. Might want should keep it. Keep it. Yeah. What's the rapist's 40? You go four four and you go, ah. Right, right. Might wanna keep it. A boyhood episode of Law and Order SVU.

Starting point is 00:39:12 Over time, huh. It's like, don don. It sounds like a perfect Republican argument. Like, hey, hey, you might be in the NFL one day. Don't abort him. One out of 500,000. Yeah, it's always, you might cure cancer. That's always the go-to.

Starting point is 00:39:24 Yeah, but that was, when you find that might cure cancer. That's always the go to. Yeah. But that was when you find that out, you're like, that sucks. Yeah. You ever paid for an abortion? Paid no. Oh, you got them for free. Yeah, I do it myself. There's wire hangers for a reason. Yeah, dude. Tell us. You got to get it's hard to get them off the thing.

Starting point is 00:39:40 But you know, it is crazy. I used a wire hanger recently to something fell down our sink, and it was like right, you know where the pipe. Curves. Curves. Yeah. It was there, it was like a long, and I was like, oh I can get it, and we had, from the dry cleaners we had it,

Starting point is 00:39:56 and as I was undoing it, I was like, crazy that people used to do abortions with these things. Insane, I think about that all the time. It's just like. Wow, I'm just saying. When you hold your son. Yeah. I think about that all the time. It's just like, when you hold your son, I can't believe a coat hanger could have got rid of you. I saved 350 bucks. Yeah. Have you paid for one? Yeah, twice. The first one didn't take. That's a morning after pill. Oh, there you go. Morning after pill or plan. Yeah, the plan B is like,

Starting point is 00:40:21 if you haven't paid for those, what are you doing? Yeah, that's a must. It's crazy that you can just get that like that, but R Ridley and you need a prescription. Oh, yeah What you just get a thing that'll destroy a baby. Yeah, it's crazy Yeah, it's just like they you have to go to the pharmacist, but they just give it to you. It is a mulligan Yeah, can I get a mulligan? I think I came in a lady. It's a wash Like as a precautionary thing you, you take one, I'll take one. Yeah. I won't do anything to me, but hey.

Starting point is 00:40:46 She tried to split it with me. I was like, nah, it's probably my fault. I'll pay for it. Yeah, yeah. I have bought. You got to pay for it. I have bought. They're body.

Starting point is 00:40:53 Plant B pills. Yeah. I remember that was like when I had no money and she was like, I think, and you're like, yeah, we'll take a walk to CVS. And then you're like, 50 bucks? You know what I mean? And they're like, I think, and you're like, yeah, we'll take a walk to CBS. And then you're like, 50 bucks? You know what I mean? And they're like, holy shit!

Starting point is 00:41:09 She tries to throw an orbit to you, you're like, no, just the pill. Don't get greedy. No, I want a Sobe. You don't get the white Sobe with the abortion pill. What do you think would happen if you gave a morning after pill to an infant? I don't know. Just let him eat it. He gets twice as strong. Oh no, he's growing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:28 Wow. They should also make them in like a dispenser. If you buy like 10 of them, you should get like a cool. Pez? Yeah, like Pez. Like a baby's head? Or like a punch card? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:37 They go 10 pay in Bs, you get a free abortion. Well, remember how in Wayne's world, he had the licorice thing on the roof? Oh yeah. Come on with morning after pill. God, that was awesome. You could technically stock up on those. Yeah, why not? I wonder what the expiration date is on that

Starting point is 00:41:49 I also think those things are probably gonna be off the shelf soon really with Trump not in York Not I mean dude, you don't know. Yeah, you have no idea they could restrict. I feel like I could make my own Rubber gloves on yeah goggles. Yeah, just hand her a bottle of whiskey Yeah, you go drink that you gotta drink it all at once. Oh take a cat you're gonna go down. Get in there. You just have rubber gloves on and goggles. Yeah. You just hand her a bottle of whiskey. Yeah. You go drink that but you gotta drink it all at once. Go take a cat. Plan B.

Starting point is 00:42:15 Liquid Plan B. By the way, Plan B is the name of Brad Pitt's production company. That which is wild. Yeah. It's Plan B. Which is wild. Why would you do that? If it dies and he has no one to blame. Good point. That's the name of the drug. Is RU486. I bet it took 486 turns.

Starting point is 00:42:28 RU486 in a baby. Whoa! It should be called RU187. Yeah. It is funny thinking about calling an abortion 86ing a baby. Yeah. Hey, guys, we're 86th on infant, like a restaurant.

Starting point is 00:42:44 Yeah. We're slammed, we're 86th on infant. Like a restaurant. Yeah. We're slammed. We're 86th on baby. Whoa. Are you 486? That's brilliant. You see Brad Pitt? Plan B. It's called Plan B and they're like, oh, Brad, you've never had to use that.

Starting point is 00:43:00 Yeah. Any, any girl he's spunked in, she's been like, I'm holding it. Right. Yeah. They just plug her pussy. Right plugger pussy right weird that he adopted to well they had actual They adopt well they wanted some ethnics. You know look at that. You got a score point look at that cast Oh, yeah, like a college catalog look at that apparently they all hate them now really I don't know now you think I feel like they do that with celebrities kids all the time where they go like, you know All of his kids are trans right? All right a couple of Elans. I think are trans one Yeah, it's a numbers game at a certain point. You're gonna hit you can't be like pro population and anti-trans. You're gonna hit trans

Starting point is 00:43:38 Oh, yeah, Shiloh, Jolie Pitt has said she would like to be called John. There you go Cuz I think he roughed her up a bit. But what happened? Where was that when we were kids? I knew a ton of kids that got beat. They didn't switch it. He beat the mom, I mean. Oh, so Shiloh wants to switch to a man to defend her mom.

Starting point is 00:43:58 Right. I guess so. I always say she went to the press about getting beat up by him in the first rule of fight club Can't talk about it. That's why he was mad. Yeah. Why did you do that? Why did you do that? I'm Bob. I have bitched it. Oh, yeah, the Grammys thing and kind of Kanye West's Relationship with his wife is just abuse. What's going on here with the news abuse? It's like I don't give a fuck fuck who you are You can't pitch it to me that it's anything other than Wild abuse you don't think she'd like showing her body

Starting point is 00:44:32 I'm just playing devil's egg. I know and I know there are people are gonna like I love that kink, but it's like There was one picture. I saw a hard kink to pull off. We're gonna walk the red carpet. Look at these knobs You gotta be her famous tits mean her tits are giant. Those are, that's an unbelievable fact. Isn't it weird she looks exactly like Kim Kardashian? A little. Yeah. If you had an ex and she started dating a guy that was like,

Starting point is 00:44:53 Hey, this is Ted. Yeah. He just looks like you. And you're like, what are you doing? I'd be flattered. You would? Yeah, a little bit. Maybe not.

Starting point is 00:45:03 Maybe it would mean that my personality was that bad that you have to go. Well, I think Kim broke up with him, right? Oh, yeah. Well, he went cuckoo. He's not medicated. This is a better option because she's not as famous. She's not as high maintenance probably. She does whatever he wants and her tits are bigger.

Starting point is 00:45:17 So funny though that she's just like in comfy sweats. Yeah. He's like, we're going to go get dinner. And she's like, do you want me to put on the plastic six pack we got? And rain boots? He's like, yeah, squeeze your titties in them plastic six pack. That is unreal.

Starting point is 00:45:33 He started tweeting again and it was like literally when they dropped the Luca trade news, which is so funny that like he thought he was gonna make a bigger splash, but everyone's like, oh my God, Luca. The biggest trade in NBA history., then you go like crazy what Kanye goes. I'm crazy I am a god and you're like, yeah Lucas on the Lakers. Shut the fuck up Well, he tweeted a I was gonna fuck Kamala, but I don't fuck losers That was like his first tweet back and he misspelled it. Nah

Starting point is 00:46:00 You want that one back? Yeah. Yeah, what is this a relief for? I love that there's like a charity behind her. That's so funny. Really, just get her clothes. Throw an army blanket on that woman. I know. It's to get people clothed after. There was one time. There we go.

Starting point is 00:46:14 The Los Angeles. She was just naked one time holding like a stuffed cat. She just had to walk around like that. You're like, that's your outfit? Yeah. Just holding, you're just like a scared kid after a nightmare but you're naked right it's gonna be a tough existence to be in a relationship with Kanye has to suck to hang out with yeah of course yeah which is Katie finds that the funniest thing she goes a lady named

Starting point is 00:46:38 sensory which sounds Italian for sensor yeah is all I've never seen her not naked all right that one right there where you're like, what is that? Yeah, it's two on the notes like Anthony wiener. Yeah Yeah, Bernie Madoff, yeah, it's like yeah, you're paid off I didn't even think of that damn that's it's just gotta be I like Obviously Kanye's a musical genius. Sure musical genius. Yeah, but then at one point It's like this is like when a hot lady starts ruining someone's life. Yeah, and you go like well, what's it worth? He's like well, she's so hot and you go but outside of that. Yeah, I mean it looks like a Mortal Kombat villain What the fuck's he wearing? He does although Yoko wasn't hot and fuck shit up

Starting point is 00:47:22 So yeah better to go hot and fuck up, I guess. Yeah, but like that hat. What was she wearing? The chainmail? Yeah. This is strange. Look at this guy, he's like a hefty bag. He really does just always dress like a five-year-old

Starting point is 00:47:34 that got into his parents' closet. Yeah. He's like, I'm wearing oversized boots in my dad's suit jacket. Yeah. I'm going to work like daddy. And you're like, sure. I mean, you wonder if he ever got medicated if he would have been like I made her do what?

Starting point is 00:47:49 Yeah, you want him snap back to reality and be like oh that was like kind of mean It's a lot to look back on yeah, I mean it would take a few days days yeah years yeah If his head evened out right he would be like what was I doing? It's like a blackout where you're like what did I do? Oh my god? I said what about the juice he wakes up he wakes up He's like oh What are these teeth? Where's my wife right?

Starting point is 00:48:16 Are all how old and she's like do you want me to grab the floss and wear it as a jacket right? It's like yeah, why am? It was all a bad dream. She's like, no, I really fucked Pete Davidson. He's like, fuck, I was really hoping that wasn't true. But like with his new wife, there was like, when he got in trouble, like his old assistant sued him and she said that he would tell, Kanye would tell his wife that he wants to fuck her mom.

Starting point is 00:48:42 Whoa. I don't know if that's true. That's just something I read online. But he was like he wants to fuck her mom. Well, I don't know if that's true That's just something I read online But he was like I want to fuck your mom and you're like, that's so funny Just to do that to someone you're dating being like I want to fuck your mom and she's like, alright Yeah, like at one point you go like you can't be like, yeah, it's hot baby The dude who watches too much porn Born that's cool. But in real life that's fucking disgusting.

Starting point is 00:49:06 That's incest. It also feels like a Seinfeld premise, like of an episode where they're like, how do I get out of this relationship, Jerry? Say you want to fuck his mom. Yeah! She's into it! Yeah, she's into it. Someone said a long time ago, one of my buddies, who's black, so this counts more, he was like,

Starting point is 00:49:24 yeah, Kanye's a nerd. He's like, Kanye's just a nerd and he just got access to everything, so he's acting like a nerd would, where he'd be like, I make hot girls dress crazy. Right. It's not cool though. And he's like, it is cool to me.

Starting point is 00:49:37 Right. I got silver teeth. Fairness, that's Sensori's mom. The mom's cute. She is hot. All right, Kanye, we're back in on you. She's wearing a The mom's cute. She is hot. All right, Kanye. We're back in on you. She's wearing a red rocket pop dress.

Starting point is 00:49:48 Oh, yeah. Like to break her over the counter. What does she think of the daughter is the question. We got to get the daughter to go on Call Her Daddy. And I love it. I'm telling you right now, there will be a documentary in like 15 years where she's like, this is what happened. I hope so.

Starting point is 00:50:03 This is the abuse. This is why I did it, the money or whatever. A lot of drugs probably. Probably like, yeah. Well they said that rumor that he's addicted to nitrous. Whoa. What does that do to you?

Starting point is 00:50:15 I don't know. It's like a whip it. I genuinely don't know but when people say that, whenever someone's addicted to a drug, I don't know what they do, I don't judge them because I got like, I don't know what that would do to you. I want ketamine. Ketamine. You know what that does? know what they do. I don't judge them because I got like, I don't know what that would do to you. I want ketamine. Ketamine. You know what that does?

Starting point is 00:50:27 What? OK. I can't judge me. Oh, well, how much ketamine? I'm just kidding. I had friends that used to do lines of ketamine in high school. Me too. Isn't that would kill Matthew Perry? It's like horse tranquilizer. Yeah, they would do it off a key. Is that what killed him? I think it was a mix.

Starting point is 00:50:41 I think old Chandler Bing had a cocktail in him. Could I be any more fucked up? He, but they, like ketamine, I remember back in the day was the drug that when the friends I knew that did it, I was like, oh, that's way too hard. Same, same. But it seems like it's more normal.

Starting point is 00:50:57 He was high concentration of drug ketamine in his blood. Okay. Damn. Oh, wow. He fell asleep in the hot tub? Yeah. No now he fell asleep in that fountain in the opening of great parody just seeing sure like okay Joe's like how you doing I'm dying here. I'm fucking dying. So no one told you ketamine was gonna kill you. That's what they're doing above.

Starting point is 00:51:30 Wake up. So no one told you ketamine was gonna stop your heart. That's fucked up. Have you done ketamine? No, I've never done it. Have you done it? I've never snorted anything. I can't snort stuff.

Starting point is 00:51:44 Snorting freaks me out. Uppers make me obnoxious I'm already obnoxious and I smoke a lot of weed. So like an upper would just be a nightmare for people Caffeine is great too. I'm good with just caffeine. Caffeine and booze. Yeah, that's a big boy Caffeine and weed are exactly what I love the perfect balance. Together? Love it. Really? Love to get high then have a coffee That's nice. It's real nice. So you're like a productive pothead. Kind of, kind of. You get juiced up, I noticed.

Starting point is 00:52:10 When you smoke, you're like up and at them. I have fun with it. I like, it's, when you quit booze, you gotta have something. Can you write high? I prefer to. Whoa! I prefer, what I do is like,

Starting point is 00:52:21 I think like a lot of my premises and stuff that like I know I wanna talk about is, I write sober, but like I do is like, I think like a lot of my premises and stuff that like I know I want to talk about is I write sober, but like punch lines are like When you, when a joke goes a different way, weed kind of helps me be like, oh I never thought about it from that angle Right, right. Carlin used to do that. That's right. Carlin used to write and then he would smoke a joint and go back over his writing and be like, oh I could like,

Starting point is 00:52:41 I could like put this in, because I think it just makes you sillier and weirder. So you like come up with a joke where you're like, oh, I could put this in. Because I think it just makes you sillier and weirder. So you come up with a joke where you're like, oh, yeah. Takes the filters off a little bit. Sometimes you're writing like, this sucks, I suck, with the weed just kind of in it. Big Jay told me one time he likes to get high before he goes on stage because when he riffs, he's more likely to say something that'll make him laugh.

Starting point is 00:53:00 And then when it connects to the audience, he's like, oh, well, that's genuine. It depends who you are, though, because I've tried it once, and I was like, yeah the same the same my drug Oh, I've had bad experiences. Yeah, like doing stand-up and writing Hi It's like sometimes you're like, oh, this is all so stupid I'm so stupid and then it's down the down the tube. Yeah, I did shrooms before set once

Starting point is 00:53:22 That was bad. Were you peeking when you went on or were you like getting high as you went on? I was getting high and then kind of peeking and got off. Yeah, I did, this is like 2012 maybe, 2000, it might've been a little later than that. Ari did his, this is not happening. And he was like, we're all gonna do mushrooms. Oh. And do a story, we're all gonna do mushrooms

Starting point is 00:53:45 and do a story about doing mushrooms. So Ari showed up with the mushrooms. I was there first out of everybody. He was like, hey, will you go first? And I was like, sure. We ate the mushrooms. I went on stage and I was telling a story about when I got pulled over in high school

Starting point is 00:53:58 on mushrooms by a cop and they let us go. And it was like crazy. But I was like on stage and felt so good. I was like comparing things and I was like, oh and then this light on the stairway turned on because it was at that strip club, the cheetah one. The one upstairs and a light on the stair turned on and it for some reason got my attention

Starting point is 00:54:21 and then I spiraled. It was viral. It was a cop flashlight you were driving I just looked over and I was like huh and then everything I was like are you guys? Hey, then I felt like my wow was this said did was it on TV? I think you just shit your pants that was bad Were you on TV for this one? It was just a live show. This was like way before he did it as a TV show. I mean, thank you. I would hate to be doing a TV tape.

Starting point is 00:54:48 Of course. No. Hey, hey folks, we might be drugged as money by Chubbies. Spring is coming up and it's time to show up those thighs. Chubbies has got you covered with shorts you're gonna love. The original stretch shorts have the stretchiest fabric for ultimate movability and flexibility while still looking perfectly tailored.

Starting point is 00:55:05 I love these pants, they're killer pants. Great stuff, I'm wearing their jacket today. With a bunch of different inch seams to choose from, an elastic waistband and a button fly, they're classic and comfortable. I love Chubbies, it's all I wear. I got their shorts, their long pants, their jackets, their shirts, sweaters, you name it. But their shorts are really their specialty. Pair those shorts with Chubby's Performance Polo, and you've got the perfect outfit.

Starting point is 00:55:29 Soft, stretchy, breathable, you're gonna feel good from head to toe. And if you thought the deal couldn't get any sweeter for a limited time only during the Chubby's Spring Break Sale, all shorts and swimwear is 35% off! Wow. With Slecht Styles, up to 65% off. Now that's how you do spring breaks.

Starting point is 00:55:47 So head over to chubbyshorts.com and take advantage while you can. Don't blend in with the crowd, stand out with Chubbys! Your online store rocks, so shouldn't you be using the number one checkout on the planet? Shopify has what you need to make those big sales. Shopify makes life simpler for your customers with an easy-to-use

Starting point is 00:56:06 checkout experience and way easier for you with all of their amazing features like the Shopify app that you can use to run your business from anywhere. They even use ShopPay which boosts conversions up to 50% allowing customers to pay in installments and saving you from those dreaded abandoned carts. Yeah, Shopify is great. Get on it now guys. It's no secret. Businesses that want to grow grow with Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Gymshark uses.

Starting point is 00:56:35 Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk and upgrade you're selling today Shopify.com slash drunk Sheath I'm wearing them right now if all your underwear is holes in them It's time for a refresh get yourself some sheath underwear and get ready to change your life Here's the deal. It's two pouches but your dong and one and your balls in the other your dick and balls are now separated and Everything can stay warm dry and in the other. Your dick and balls are now separated and everything can stay warm, dry, and in the right place. I don't get too queefy on you guys, but I get jock itch all the time because my junk is always flipping and flopping and

Starting point is 00:57:14 sweating and moist and weird. But now that I got sheath, I'm separated, segregated. There's a nice Gaza strip in the middle and we're all copacetic. You can get them in tons of different colors and patterns, so no matter what you're into, Sheath has got something for you. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order plus Sheath's 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear, support the show and support your balls.

Starting point is 00:57:45 Hey, hey, hey folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Factor. Eating well doesn't have to take up your whole day. Factor makes it easy with meals you can heat and eat in just two minutes. Whoa. I'm already finished orgasming. Everything arrives fresh and fully prepared. It's perfect for any busy lifestyle. With 40 options to choose from each week, it's as easy as selecting your favorites and waiting for them to show up on your doorstep. Damn, comes right to ya. Whether you're on a keto diet, want to up your protein,

Starting point is 00:58:17 or you're watching your calories, there's something for you. I'm a big cooking queef. I don't know what I'm doing in the kitchen. I'm trying not to say a bad word. I'm a special needs kid when it comes to an oven. I don't know what I'm doing. I want to put my head in it most of the time. I stink, but now that factor's around,

Starting point is 00:58:38 it comes right to my house. It's good for you. It's easy to make. Anybody can do it. It's a great call call and you don't have to go to the grocery every 10 seconds. So might as well give it a shot. The meals are top tier and the convenience is incredible. Eat smart with Factor. Get started at factormeals.com slash factorpodcast and use code factorpodcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. Geez, that's half off.

Starting point is 00:59:05 That's code F-A-C-T-O-R-P-O-D-CAS. So Factor Podcast, one word at factormeals.com slash factorpodcast and get 50% off plus free shipping on your first order. That is a steal. You gotta do it. Thank you. Yeah, TV taping.

Starting point is 00:59:27 Did you ever do one drunk or like buzzed? A special or like a TV set? Like a late set? A couple of Conan's, I've had a couple of whiskies in me because they would just have whiskey there. Right. I have a few glasses. They had a full bar.

Starting point is 00:59:38 I think my best set on there, I was buzzed. Really? I was just so loose. I knew the jokes like the back of my hand because they were just, I'd been doing them for a while and I didn't really think about it and I was like, that was a really good one. I was like Burr and Bill Hader were on that show too.

Starting point is 00:59:54 It was a cool one to be on. I got to follow Bill Burr. Great whites. It was fun. Yeah. But yeah, I don't think high would freak me the fuck out. Yeah, of course. Well, that Conan shit, they leave you in that back room for like three hours.

Starting point is 01:00:08 That jug of, remember that jug of popcorn? Yes, yes. The cheese and the caramel? Oh dude, I would eat half of it while I was there and I'd go on like... But you're just ruminating back there. You're like, oh, hopeless girl, what if I forget my jokes? What if I'm gay? The first time I did it, Nate was with me. So it was easy, because we were just sitting around talking. And Nate knew everybody, because Nate had done Conan so much.

Starting point is 01:00:28 Oh, yeah, that's true. It was like Nate worked there. He just knew everybody. And then it went so well, the second time I did it, I was like, I don't need anybody with me. And that was the biggest mistake I made. Huge. Because then I was just sitting by myself,

Starting point is 01:00:39 like you said, forever. Right. And then you're like, ah, ah. Speaking of. Oh, sorry. I don't know what you're saying. Well speaking of Nate, we just went to his hotel room in Tribeca. How crazy, it was like a layer in the side of a mountain. It was unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:00:53 It was the coolest hotel room I've ever been in my life. What hotel? Greenwich. The Greenwich Hotel. I think it's owned by De Niro. It's next to the Tribeca offices. It's fucking crazy. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:01:04 The room, the penthouse he was in was crazy. He just kept going for kicks or was he filming something? He was filming that Billy Geist thing, whatever that was. Oh, Billy Geist. Billy Geist. He did the Willie Geist show. But that I mean, he got us all food and we had a big screen TV. We watched. It was like it was like a foreign dignitary. Yes. Yes.

Starting point is 01:01:24 Like the president of like a foreign country was there and he was like, we're going to bring in sandwiches that he likes. Yeah. Great. Yeah. He had like a sauna on the roof. He had his own greenhouse. I took a picture of the hotel, like I was of the hot tub on the roof when I was out there smoking weed. I was like, this is insane. I know.

Starting point is 01:01:41 So he does. Oh, he does own it. Oh, wow. OK. I mean so he does oh He does own it. Oh wow Okay, I mean that place was beautiful. So him type in the type in the Okay, they're typing the Greenwich Hotel Right there you pulled it up. Yeah, see if you can see the penthouse because it was Crazy, I mean that pool looks kind of cool images Because it was crazy. I mean that pool looks kind of cool. Let's go to images.

Starting point is 01:02:05 Man, that's a cool front desk. Yeah, right when Dan walked in they were like, Yeah, there it is. You're here for Nate. Yeah, we sat right there. We sat on that couch eating sandwiches. That was one of the rooms. That was just one of the living rooms.

Starting point is 01:02:17 Look at that window. Oh yeah. That's where we watched the TV was against the window. Oh yeah, Louis Katz sat there. Or you did maybe. I almost farted and by farted I mean shit my pants. It was crazy. It was one of those places, that's exactly where we were. Nate was on that chair on the right. Ari was on the chair on the

Starting point is 01:02:34 left. It was one of those hotels where I was like, I'll never be back in here. No. There'll never be another situation where I'm back in this fucking penthouse. Yeah, it was one of those ones where the elevator opens to the room. I like that. Dude, halfway up in the elevator, Nate's assistant was like, you're here for Nate, right? I was like, what if I'm not?

Starting point is 01:02:53 If I'm not, you're in big trouble. Yeah, right. We looked so shitty, they're all dressed up, boat ties, and wearing like car hearts. Dude, it was so nice. What was the hang like though? It was fun, it was all us.

Starting point is 01:03:04 It was all people we knew. It was like me, Norman, us. It was all people we knew it was like me Norman Sal Louis cats Nate Ari Ari just a good chopper this Chopping the shit chopping the shit. Does that a thing the shoot the shit chopping it up and doing a lot of shit talking and comedy business It was great. It was great. It's always fun cuz it's fun to like talk to Nate where you go like yeah You still got that in you Oh, yeah, well you see him doing well. Yeah, yeah, then you talk and you go like you ain't ever gonna lose that no comics Never lose that you seen this motherfucker shit, and you go tell me about it. He's in the most expensive hotel

Starting point is 01:03:36 He's doing a Christmas special. He's doing arenas, and he's like this guy never supported me He never helped me on the way up. I do it all my own Yeah, but it was it was it was a fun hang and that hotel was wild. I mean, that never goes away, but this shit helps. Oh, hell yeah. I mean, that's nuts. I'm doing a couple of dates with, you're doing some dates with Shane, right? Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:56 Yeah, I'm doing a couple. You doing Minneapolis? No. I'm doing Colorado, Utah, DC, and Cleveland. That's going to be fun. Woo, that's gonna be fun. Yeah, it's fun. He was just like, he wants to bring all his friends on the road.

Starting point is 01:04:10 That's cool, man. He was like, hey, you wanna do some dates? I was like, fuck yeah, dude. I'm doing one of those dates I know is with James McCann and Big J. Oh, that's killer. So that's gonna be a fun fucking night. Love McCann.

Starting point is 01:04:20 See, that's the beauty of shit. He never really changed either because he's having celebrities hit him up. We're like bombing in front of Eddie Vedder and he's Bradley Cooper's like you want to hang out Giddy around him. Yeah, Shane. Hi. Hey, how are you Shane? He's like, yeah, I guess yeah All right Drake. It was funny watching him. He took me to a barbecue two years ago On Long Island with some 49ers Wow, it was Kyle use check It was Kyle use checks house and George Kittle was there. Yeah, I met him through Shane once too.

Starting point is 01:04:49 And they're like so funny cause they're like, love Shane and you're like, I love you guys so much. I'm such a big 49ers fan, you guys are the best. But it was, then you have to like lose it after a while. When you're at a barbecue with them, you're kind of like, ah, you're a regular guy. Also I've met him before. So the good thing about being a Giants fan

Starting point is 01:05:03 is not a lot of football players star strike me at this point well They were at the cellar the other night who really the New York Giants which one they were being a problem really yeah They were a field or not yeah well I wish I would have known it was the village underground They're at the VU and there are when you're on stage They're in the right and that like back corner Yeah And they're when you're on stage they were in the right and that like back corner Yeah, where that that back is usually where people get noisy because they feel so removed from yes And the bars right there so they were like talking this my set was fine

Starting point is 01:05:33 But I could hear him talking and I didn't go after it and then I got off stage I was like yo, what's up with that group in the right corner? They go all that's New York Giants And I was like I wish I would have known that because I would have talked so much shit I would have immediately been like hey You got to win more than seven games if you're gonna interrupt the show Seven that's what I mean Three yeah, it would have been fun. They can't even tank properly. Yeah, it's brutal

Starting point is 01:05:57 That is the weird part about the sellers sometimes there's celebrities there that you don't have any interest in Yeah bump into and they'll just be like good good set. And you're like, oh, fuck, all right. I'm trying to think of what are the weirdest ones. One time I was bombing in Bill Maher. What? Esty walked Bill Maher into the room. Holy shit. It was like 10 years ago and I was like,

Starting point is 01:06:15 oh, I don't even like this guy, but this sucks. This guy's bombing, okay. Okay. Oh really, that's your set? Oh, you're doing subway material? Ha ha ha ha. I had a, one time I met Spike Jonze there. That's cool.

Starting point is 01:06:30 That was pretty cool. Matt Damon, he was there a lot. I met him because of Papa and Brian Koppelman. Yep, yep. Trying to think of a new rule. No more soda going on first. Why does Dan soda when I talk about it smell like weed? Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:06:43 It was actually Big Jay and I smoked a joint and I was like, I don't like to smoke right before I go up because I usually freak out. Jay was like, don't be a pussy. And then I was doing, this was like 2013, I was doing a new bit that was like killing. Like it was like, I'd had it for a couple weeks so I was opening with it just to like, you know,

Starting point is 01:07:03 and I'm doing it and this lady gets up and I go, where are you going? She goes, I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette. I heard you do this joke last week. And I was like, oh. Whoa, damn. And I was like, and I was pretty new at the cellar. So I was like, um.

Starting point is 01:07:19 And I just like went back to old material. Yeah, of course. And so it wasn't going the way I wanted it to because it was old material that I didn't even like anymore yeah and then I saw Estee walk first off Estee walked in the room which scares the shit out of you sure and then Bill Moore I was like is that Bill Moore with Estee? Holy, holy. What's your worst heckle? Worst thing that just crushed you? Got you? You couldn't come up with anything? I had one that was bad in a club called Rooster Teafed. I know it. Shout out Sunnyvale, California.

Starting point is 01:07:45 Hell yeah. I don't even think it was Sunnyvale. Oh yeah, it was Sunnyvale. It was. It was rather like Cupertino or whatever. Yeah, it's like south of San Francisco. And it's like a small crowd. I was not selling shit.

Starting point is 01:07:55 And I was doing that, which people some now know as the alligator story. Oh yeah. And it was a work in progress, that story. It took a while to get it where it was. And I guess it wasn't there yet, because in the middle of it, a woman walks out, opens the door and goes, you fucking suck.

Starting point is 01:08:11 And the door just slows, it's like slowly closing in slow mo. And I'm just like, uh, I just kind of stopped. And some other woman goes, I think you're doing great. And I was like, that was even worse. Oh. The pity's worse than the outrage. Pity's worse. And I was like, oh god. It's just hard cuz I didn't have I think you're a sweet boy I did I didn't have an opening to hit her back as the door shut right?

Starting point is 01:08:33 So I'm like, oh you just won. Yeah smart way to heckle is say it and leave. Yeah, you can't rebuttal Worse the pity that was a bad one. That's one first one. I also got spat on once it That was a bad one spat on I was doing the door there and they know they throw you up sometimes and I was Went on and I just like was going back with this guy and I was dressed like shit You know I had like you know yeah the same pants I wore every day Yeah, shitty young comic and he was, look at those cheap fucking pants. I was like, yeah, they're fucking, this doesn't pay much.

Starting point is 01:09:08 And then we went back and forth a few times and he just was like, I forgot what I said that really fired him up, but he just got up and I just heard, and I was like, oh boy. And then he just fucking, terrible people, great aim, hits me right here. And the staff was so cool, the staff liked me there, and it was all these tough Latina waitresses.

Starting point is 01:09:26 And they're like barricading. They wouldn't let him on the stage. I'm like, this is humiliating for so many reasons. Yeah. Hits me, walks out, and shout out Chris Murphy, who like, I was a young comic. I was a little rattled. The dude was kind of scary. He was like, I'll walk you out.

Starting point is 01:09:39 And I was like, I love you, Chris. I don't think you're making a difference. This guy. Was he there? He walked me out. No, he wasn't there, he was gone. Holy shit. When you're a young comic, you're like fuck,

Starting point is 01:09:48 that was a little weird. Man, you got a hock to it. I got a hock to it, not the good kind. Yeah. Definitely finished you though. Finished on the tits. I think you guys. That's pretty bad, spit is bad.

Starting point is 01:09:58 Those are the two that jumped out immediately. I mean I have a couple, one was not long ago where I was doing a joke that I put on my YouTube special about, I'm always afraid I'm gonna let the mass shooter into the building. There was an early show at the cellar and I was like, I'm a people pleaser, you know? And I like did the act out of opening the door and it got nothing. And this guy right to the side of the stage goes you're not funny oh and I was like that's harsh and then I just I didn't address it I just fucking like you know how do you not address that I

Starting point is 01:10:35 went like because the joke bombed so hard he technically was right oh and I was just like and you were new at the cellar. No, this is fucking 18 months ago. And I fucking ate it, dude I ate it so hard, but I stuck to my guns. Like I was like, fuck this, I'm gonna do these jokes. I know these jokes work, but I bombed. And I got off stage and I was in the back hallway and one of the waiters came out and he was like,

Starting point is 01:10:58 that was impressive. It's like I watched you stay to your guns, but you fucking took a beating on that one. It was so bad, I had a set at New York Comedy Club on West Fork, on East Fork, you know, across town. I called and talked to Shane the entire walk over, because I was like, no, the joke works, joke works. Joke works.

Starting point is 01:11:15 And he was like, yeah, dude, you're fine. This is just like, that was just like a bad set. And I was like, I don't know, I'm not gonna fucking stop doing the joke. And it was just like, fucked me up. Wow, you're so funny. Because it got nothing. And it's a shooter joke or what? Yeah, it was a mass shooter joke. And they were like, oh, and the guy goes,

Starting point is 01:11:31 you're not funny. Damn. That guy should be thrown out for that. I mean, that's crazy. I got a pity. I was bombing. I was somewhere on the road, some funny bone and it was a papered room. And do you remember which one? I think it was Dayton, which is already said. A Dayton funny bone papered room, half full, whatever. Sweating, dry mouth, bombing. Two older ladies in the front row, probably 65, one leans over and goes, this is bad.

Starting point is 01:11:58 I heard everything. It's pure silence so I can hear everything. And now you have to pretend you didn't hear it and keep delivering the jokes with A smile on your face and tap dancing and jazz hands and I wanted to kill myself You just knocked loose a memory. All right when I was at helium in st. Louis, you know, you know the helium the room They're like right in front of you. Where's helium? But they're like right in front of you and like a little semicircle

Starting point is 01:12:22 I was doing a joke that was on my HBO special about killing my grandmother because she asked me what gluten was. And it's like a big act out or whatever. And this old woman was with her daughter in the very front. I did the whole joke. It didn't do bad, but the laughs came down

Starting point is 01:12:41 and I heard her lean over to her daughter and she goes, I don't like this. Oh. And I was like, and you can't go back at that. No one else heard that. Exactly. Just you have it. And then the rest of the time, it's

Starting point is 01:12:52 like you're performing with this spot where you're like, hey, I know this dark woman who hates me. It's like when a sibling would do something you're like under the table. Yeah. And it's like, well, I can't throw the first hit. They're going to think it's me. Exactly. They don't realize it's defense.

Starting point is 01:13:06 But yeah, dude, I had an experience at that club once where everything was just going wrong that week. Oh, Helium St. Louis? Yeah, I was in the bathroom the first night, Veeders on stage, and the bathroom door just locked. It's a sliding door with one of those turn locks. Yeah, so I couldn't get out, and Veeders about to call my name.

Starting point is 01:13:23 I'm like, fuck, what do I do? I had to kick the door in so I broke the door That look like that would have been by the way. I think that has to be your next special intro Fucking kick the door out. You're like are these motherfuckers ready for this you cool? I didn't do it in a cool way It wasn't like a cop movie thing it like kind of and then like the little lock thing in the middle was just gone It was there was like a hole this big So so I got out and Gary's like what the fuck happened. I'm like it wouldn't open I was texting the manager no one answered and then and then the next night

Starting point is 01:13:53 I thought it was a good idea to get a rainbow trout at a restaurant St. Louis, Missouri I deserve I deserve this and and in the uber to the club. I was like man my stomach's killing me I don't know if I'm gonna make it to the club Yeah, and the uber driver like he's funny just going I had some diarrhea last week during that bull pink And I was like why you do that little tugboat captain Goddamn it. I had to like hobble into the club. I ran into the bathroom Vito had to stretch You do like 35 I had diarrhea. I'm to hobble into the club. I ran into the bathroom. Vito had to stretch. He'd do like 35. I had diarrhea.

Starting point is 01:14:26 I'm sure I've told this on the pod before. Wow. Yeah. So they put Pepto through that little hole in the door and put it on the toilet. Did you get through your whole set? Yeah, I made it. The Pepto numbs you. But by the end of the set, were you feeling like, oh, I got to shit again?

Starting point is 01:14:40 Yeah, I was bad. I was in a bad way. That shit is, it's not good. You were in the same stall that you ruined the night before. Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah. Wow. What a weekend. Yeah, I was bad. I am way that shit is Yeah, yeah, what a week I've told this on the pie I'm sure I told that what time I was pooping at Bricktown comedy Great club and I shut the door, but I got I was like pooping and I thought I had more time And then they were like as I was finishing I heard them calling me No, no, no, no, no, no. And then you're like, I gotta clean, I gotta clean,

Starting point is 01:15:07 I gotta wipe my hands. And it was like three dance odors. It was like, dance odor. Dance odor. And then what you have to do at that point is you walk out slowly. You have to make it seem like it's on purpose. Right, right.

Starting point is 01:15:17 You're like, no, I like to wait. No, I went up there and I was like, I was just pooping. Like, I like pure honesty. You just go up there and you go, guys, poop was falling out of my butt when he said my name the first time. It was, I was being relieved. Yeah, that is a good club.

Starting point is 01:15:33 I like OKC. Yeah, I went and it was like 104 every day there. It was like smoke. I want to go back when it's not, when you're, I wasn't sweating on stage like a tent preacher. Oh. It was wild. Yeah, that's a tough tough one you always think you can shit in time I hate a

Starting point is 01:15:50 rush yet you are shit is the worst the worst you want a free calendar turn the phone off light a candle and really enjoy it when's last time you're constipated I'd never get constipated you ever had major constipation never first time I ever prayed to God was constipation. Wow! It was in first grade and I... Didn't we talk about this last time I was on? I feel like we've talked about... Really? I don't know. Damn, I feel like I don't want to repeat another...

Starting point is 01:16:15 I've never heard of this constipation. No, I just... I... yeah. You get it all the time? No, but I had a horrific one at Comedy at the Carlson in Rochester, New York. Another club I like a lot. Love that club. Yeah. And it was similar on, I was constipated for like a week and then I was at that club and I was like begging God to make me poop.

Starting point is 01:16:34 What causes this? Arbituates? Bad, yeah, bad diet? What are you eating? Well, my, I think it was, I truly think it was because because the 49ers lost the NFC Championship game. There we go. And I was so mad about it. It was when they lost to the Rams,

Starting point is 01:16:49 which we beat twice that season. It was the year the Rams won the Super Bowl over the Bengals. The Niners lost the NFC Championship game, and then I had a blowout Facebook thing with a family member. Like an end contact. Like a very real-

Starting point is 01:17:02 Over the game? No, over our, just the history with me and this family member. Wow. It was like a fucking, like I was shaking when I wrote it. I was so angry. So I wrote it, I read it to Alan and Alan was like, that was fucking great. Wow.

Starting point is 01:17:17 Right to my mom and my mom was like, fuck him. It was like a guy that is related to me that I don't have a relationship with anymore. So you think it was stress? That's exactly what my doctor said. Because I went to the doctor. I was like, I've been constipated for like eight days and my diet has stayed the same

Starting point is 01:17:33 and I'm usually very regular. Yeah, yeah. I shit every morning and I was like, and I can't shit. And I was like, I'm trying to force it. And he was like, no, you gotta drink Miralax and just let it happen. Stress will do it though. And it was stress. And then I did suppositories. It just let it happen. Stress will do it though. It was stress.

Starting point is 01:17:46 And then I did suppositories. It can't be the game. I think it's all the family. I think the game is a little stretch. I was stressed out during the game and I tried forcing a shit. Oh, interesting. Honestly, this is the,

Starting point is 01:17:59 I'm telling you the 100% real truth. Lay it on me, Faddy. Halftime of the NFC championship game, I tried to force the shit out. Didn't happen. Was mad I held onto it. The family thing happened the next day. And I was locked up for like nine days.

Starting point is 01:18:13 It's a combo. And then my doctor was like. And the Niners were stuck too. What's that? I said the Niners were stuck too. No, dude. Couldn't get past Aaron Donald. No.

Starting point is 01:18:21 It was our blockage. Couldn't get out the Browns. Have you ever done a suppository? No, never. That was a low point as a young ever done a suppository? No, never. That was a low point as a young road comic in an Amtrak bathroom, having to put a suppository up my ass. Well, it made me think,

Starting point is 01:18:32 all I could think about was the Louis joke. What's that? Where he was like, he had to do, they gave him a painkiller that was a suppository, and he put it in, and then he started getting warm, and he's like, why don't I shove more stuff up my ass? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:46 It's such a good bit. He's like, why don't I shove everything up my ass? But I did it. I did it and it made some of the poop come out, but not enough that I was like, oh, I'm doing it. And then I did a suppository. I remember in the hotel in Rochester, nothing. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:19:02 And I just remember being like, come on, God. And then I talked to my doctor. My doctor was like- God ignores the wildfires in LA. He's like, let me help Soda. Let me knock this shit loose. But my doctor was like, drink as much Miralax as you want, it won't hurt you.

Starting point is 01:19:15 He was like, put every time you're just sitting around- The stomach acid, what is it? It loosens your stools. It's for constipation. So I was just like sitting around in my hotel room and I'd be like Just do a dump of Miralax Did the two shows that night still couldn't poop got home to my apartment and had

Starting point is 01:19:36 The most enjoyable shit of my life like a dumb and dumber Yeah It was one of those things where I think after the weekend of the stress of the shows Yes, and everything was done and I sat down the noise I made when I pooped was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, it was dumb and dumber. Cause I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, cleaning my teeth. I had to do three flushes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:55 Cause I was like, oh fuck. And then I flushed and I was like, oh fuck. And it fucked me up so bad that like, I was like high. Like I got done pooping and I just like laid down on my couch, I was like, that felt wonderful. Wow. It was pretty flusher. It is kind of like in the end of the movie

Starting point is 01:20:10 where you have to like the extra gunshot to the bad guy. Yeah. Let me make sure this is gone. Stay fucking dead. Well stress hits everybody differently. When I'm super stressed, my beard falls out. Really? Yeah, so it hits everyone differently.

Starting point is 01:20:22 Shitting, beard. Your beard's looking pretty full. It's looking good. Full now, yeah now yeah my razor broke so I gotta buy a new one but uh yeah but it'll come out in clumps yeah just circles like a really like a nickel is it was breaking as a peeve of course they really do I use a buzzer now that's why you have my buzzer fucking they break all the yeah you know what yeah you just got to find one that doesn't break. Yeah, unless Manscaped is sponsoring this episode, in which case their stuff is really good. That's the thing.

Starting point is 01:20:49 It is good. It is great. Manscaped does some good work. They do good stuff. I give them as gifts. Yeah? Those boxes, yeah. I got 9,000 razors, but I still use them.

Starting point is 01:20:57 That's the way to go, because you're sponsored by them? Yeah. That was like me giving digital picture frames, which if anyone that gave is watching this, I apologize, but it's a good gift. Great gift. Those are pretty cool, actually.

Starting point is 01:21:06 We had like six of them and Katie's like, what do you want to give them for Christmas? And I just grabbed one and she was like, okay. You wrap it and you're like, fuck it, why not? I'm just going to send it. You get a gift, I'm like, I got you some bodega cat whiskey. I just give impressions as gifts. I'll do your voicemail as Macho Man. What about the singing telegram?

Starting point is 01:21:26 That went away. Remember that guy? Yeah, he'd be like, happy birthday. Right, it's now cameo. You guys have any themes or bits you're working on? Oh, I gotta peeve. What do you got? I gotta buy you guys some time.

Starting point is 01:21:37 Yeah. You ever have this guy? This happens to me all the time and I fucking hate it. When the guy, you go, I go, hey, some guy's like, so yeah, my friend was a heroin addict. He eventually died and I fucking hate it when the guy you go I go hey some guys like so yeah my friend was a heroin addict he eventually died and I go oh did he die of a heroin overdose and another guy was with goes of course he did what the fuck kind of question is that and then the guy goes no actually I hit by a car yeah I'm like how about you not call me out before you know yeah you know he

Starting point is 01:22:01 made me seem like an asshole because I asked that question Who else is gonna die from yeah, that was it. It was cancer right there you go exactly So don't give the guy shit for asking a dumb question. He said eventually too, so I think you're your instincts were right Yeah, thank you. That is weird to be like Why are you asking him that right? I get that all the time like of course you idiot Why else how else would you think he died? I'm like well? We don't know and then it was a different thing Fuck that does make me mad cuz that's someone trying to make you look stupid when you're when you're smart Exactly like no I actually had a good question like why would you ask that you're like and then

Starting point is 01:22:35 There never is the apology is never as loud as the accusation of course they never go like I'm sorry I jumped in on that right fucking wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so always ask questions My peeve is very generic, but it's very true Text back Stop Like what if I text you and you don't respond I'm taking that very personally you hear that Michael Che. I'm dude, dude I'll tell you right now because he's terrible. I'll tell you right now with Michael

Starting point is 01:23:07 Che. I stopped texting him. Me too. I just don't care anymore. Yeah. And I love Che. I love Che. I went to the Super Bowl with him last year but I'll say this. We're not in high school. You're not too cool to text me back. Right. I'm your friend.

Starting point is 01:23:18 At least give me a thumbs up. Yes. I I won't name names but there's two people that I I I I've been trying to hang out with and it's just three unanswered texts and I go, well then I think we're done. Then I think we're done. And I don't accept the, you know,

Starting point is 01:23:33 I know people that are like, well I'm overwhelmed, I got a lot of texts or whatever, that's like, that's fine. But the next text I get from you better be an apology for the text you didn't answer. Like, hey dude, I just saw the thing above, I'm sorry, I must have fucking missed it. Because I understand you're getting on the train,

Starting point is 01:23:48 someone texts you, you read it, you put it back. You get overwhelmed sometimes. I completely agree with that. You do a bunch of these. There are people that are consistent that I don't put up with it anymore. It was one of them. It was a guy that you would text

Starting point is 01:24:00 and just not hear from him, and you're like, I think we're good then. I just don't care that much. Cause I'm not looking for a, how are you? Like, I'm not trying to start a conversation. Some stuff I, he was like, you want to come to SNL and we'll hang out? Some band was on, I liked.

Starting point is 01:24:12 So I was like, I'd love to. And I texted, what time should I be there? Nothing. So you're like, I know you're busy, but I'm not trying to chit chat. I need this information. I don't want to show up at the wrong time. I ended up going, but I just showed up.

Starting point is 01:24:24 Dude, there's one of our friends that I text that it's it's just all blue Can we blank the name? What we say? Yeah, I mean they're gonna read lips Big J Wow I would not think that does not answer any of my texts. Why is it? I don't know and But it's not just me. So. That does help when.

Starting point is 01:24:47 I've talked to friends and they go like, he doesn't respond. And you go like, clearly he must be going through something, but I can only give so many texts before I'm kinda like, I don't care dude, if I see you around, I see you around. But you guys are close. I don't wanna give too much away here. Yeah, I mean, it just.

Starting point is 01:25:04 He's an Hispanic man. Yeah, he is a black lesbian. Trans, a trans comedian. No, but I think it is like in the age of texting, it's like the least you can do is just go like, either if you forget, go, oh, sorry dude, I didn't see that text, my bad. Yeah, easy.

Starting point is 01:25:20 Cause he did that on a Christmas text. They sent a very nice Christmas text. And then a couple of days days later he's like, holy shit, I thought I answered this, Merry Christmas, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, okay. Damn. I have some friends like that too.

Starting point is 01:25:30 I have a couple close friends, and I know that they do this to everybody. When you find out they do it to everybody, it does help. That's not so bad. Some people don't look at their phones, they really don't. That's true.

Starting point is 01:25:43 I'm not one of them. But when you know your friend does, because you're around them. Yeah, see how much they're on their fucking phone, right? There's no fucking excuse Yeah, well there is also and this is not you but there are people out there who are like It's like eight favors in a row. Oh Yeah, I'm not responding. I will only be upset if I send you a positive I will only be upset if I send you a positive benign message and you don't respond. Right. A sincere reach out of like, what's up?

Starting point is 01:26:10 Would love to grab, you texted me back. I was like, hey, let's go get diner. I was on the road, but I wanna hang. But you're on the road and then you wrote, hey dude, sorry, just saw this. I know it's a little late. But we do wanna hang. Yeah, but that's not something I would hold against you

Starting point is 01:26:23 because I knew you were on the road. But you know. I'm talking about when it's also the the bait and switch textures This is that's true. The the textures who are like, how you been and then they wrote that into a favor Gomez I mean, I don't think I've ever gotten a text from Gomez isn't a question I've never got a question of how are you? It's a statement. Yeah, you're doing story wars this Wednesday I'm like I told you I couldn't do that. He goes I'm confirming you. I'm like there was no confirmation I will I will I love you Lewis, but I didn't fucking confirm. I will add to your point There's nothing worse than someone going high. Oh

Starting point is 01:26:57 I fucking hate high. Hey Hey, what yeah, that's never good. Hey what? Never good. Put it in the fucking text. Am I in trouble? You sackless asshole. Yes. Go like, hey can you do this or hey? Don't, hi. No, I hate hi.

Starting point is 01:27:11 Just guess what you're gonna get back. Hi. Yes. That's all you're gonna get back. And then I'm not gonna answer the next question. Girls would do that when you're dating. They'd be like, hey. And you're like, dude, you gotta set something up here.

Starting point is 01:27:21 I got an Instagram message from a girl a long time ago, a long time ago, but she wrote hi and I wrote hi back. And then she's, there was no other. Ah, she wants you to do the dirty work. Hey, this is a little volley. I don't know. You do it. I know this isn't really related, but it's just something that I just thought of that really annoyed me.

Starting point is 01:27:37 Back in the day when I was single, before I met the love of my life, Katie Nolan, I was on Match.com. I signed up for it. Old school. Wow. This is like 2016 or whatever, and I was like, I wanna meet someone.

Starting point is 01:27:51 I wanna actually meet someone that isn't a comedian, that isn't in the entertainment industry. I just wanna meet someone in it's New York. So I signed up for this match. Match.com, you have to like put in effort to like do a profile. Oh really? I did like a whole profile

Starting point is 01:28:05 I spent time on it And then when I first started getting matches or whatever it was women being like I bet I'm funnier than you Elite profile luck cuz I don't want to fucking do this I bet my pussy gets wetter than yours Are you gonna say are we gonna say crazy shit at each other? How good of a dick does your brother suck? And then they're like why are you saying this? I thought you were funnier than me.

Starting point is 01:28:28 Yeah! And you fucking riff it you stupid bitch. God it made me so mad. I got like four of those. I got that too. Make me laugh right now. Oh fuck you! Show me your tits. Yeah! There you go. Let's just be honest why we're both here.

Starting point is 01:28:42 Right. What's your suck game at, lady? Yeah, I would just send him a clip. It would be on Conan. There you go. Yeah, fuck. Dude, you know what's funny is I got, you guys definitely have to get these messages where a fan will send you a tag for a bit that's already recorded.

Starting point is 01:28:59 Like it's on a special and it's out and he goes, you know what you should say right here? You go, I got it. Yeah. We used to do a lot of bits on here. So I would sometimes get them for bits that we were working on. And I was like flattered that our people would take the time. They were like witty lines sometimes.

Starting point is 01:29:14 I didn't end up using them ever, but I was like, that's a good line, you know? Yeah, man. It was kind of fun. Yeah, but for the finished bit, sometimes a comic will do that. And I'm like, you know the fucking bits. Right, right. There's a comic that tried giving me a note recently.

Starting point is 01:29:26 One note I got that was great. Like Mary Santoro saw me do a joke and she was like, hey, at the end of the joke, you should say this. She goes, do you want a note? And I went, no, I don't. And then she was like, can I just tell you what I think? And I was like, yeah. She goes, at the end of this joke, you should do this.

Starting point is 01:29:39 And it was correct. I was like, didn't think of that. And she was laughing. She goes, I know, we hate getting notes. We hate getting notes. But then another fucking comic, and I'll tell you who it is at the end who none of us respect Yeah, and he was like, you know what you should do cuz I have I just have like a throwaway line about how I'm getting older But I'm doing old man stuff.

Starting point is 01:30:06 And I talk about leaving the flashlight on my cell phone on and he's like, you know what you should do, at the end, your flashlight should be on your phone. Oh, now your props. I went, we were at one of those underground shows or whatever and I went, what? And he was like, yeah, you should do that. And I went.

Starting point is 01:30:26 Just start beating the shit out of him. I think we're on the same show. Yeah. And I was like, no, I don't think I'm gonna do that. And he was like, oh, well it's just like a thing. And you're like, that disgusts me. Yeah, yeah. No.

Starting point is 01:30:36 Ooh. But Mary, I was like apologizing. I was like, I'm sorry, that actually is a good idea. Right, right, damn. We're such catty little. Well, it's all insecurity. You know, one of my favorite things that ever, when I first started on Billions and I met David Costable, who plays Wag.

Starting point is 01:30:52 He's a great actor. He's a generational talent. Yeah, he's great on a lot. He was on Damages. He was on, he was Gil in Breaking Bad. He was in, he was on The Wire, Suits. I mean. Yeah, he's had a nice.

Starting point is 01:31:08 He is, I'm gonna tell you this right now, possibly one of my favorite humans, easily one of the favorite people I've ever worked with, but one of my favorite human beings I've ever worked with. I got to go to a fucking boxing match at Barclays with him, and rappers love wags. When Billy was on, there was like, yo, that's my man, cause he was like the shit talking,

Starting point is 01:31:27 get pussy, make money guy. And he's funny, he's very funny. But he told me when I first met him, we were in the makeup trailer, we were like, in hair and makeup, we were like getting ready to go to set. And he was like, this is like season one. And he's like, oh, I was like, I'm not really an actor, I'm a comic.

Starting point is 01:31:44 So that's why they kind of brought me on here to be like this shithead in the office or whatever. He goes, you're a stand-up comic? And I was like, yeah. He's like, you are the second worst group to each other only behind Broadway dancers. Interesting. And he's like, Broadway dancers will push each other

Starting point is 01:32:02 downstairs to get roles, comics do it verbally. And I was like, he said that, I was like, you know a lot of comedians. He was like, yeah, I was like, that is, we are the bitches. Hacks one. That's brilliant. Hacks one is a great. I did, I took an improv class when I first started comedy

Starting point is 01:32:20 because I heard you're supposed to do that. And I was blown away by how supportive, nice. How gay that shit is. So gay. I think it's just like. because I heard you're supposed to do that. And I was blown away by how supportive, nice, sweet they all are. We're good to each other. I think it's just like... Well, you form bonds and you form like little groups and it is clickish, but if you ever want to get a comic comfortable around you, just start talking shit.

Starting point is 01:32:38 Works every time. It will work every fucking time. I think once you find your group, it's like... Yeah, we had a very lucky experience. Our group naturally came together like this wonderful planet we lived on where it was just an explosion. We all moved, we were all doing it at the same time.

Starting point is 01:32:54 We all started hanging at the same time. Shout out to Rebecca Trent and the Creek for giving us a place that we could go and kind of like hang out. And black out. And get completely black out and throw up to cotes. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:33:07 But it's like, that is important. Well, also we had a shared love, like actual love of comedy. Like a lot of people are hobbyists or they do this to get to some stepping stone. We all gave a shit. And I think that really brought us together. Yeah, we also would like sit around and talk jokes.

Starting point is 01:33:22 Yes. And talk old jokes. Like, dude, List and I, I remember and it was like when you and List started hanging out, I was already hanging out with List. And I remember he would be like, Norman's one of us. He just wants to talk about jokes. Wants to talk about old specials. And you're like, great, great, great. And you're really is like a full tracing system.

Starting point is 01:33:39 Or you're like, yes, yes, exactly. Because List and I were quoting comedian at each other, like within a week of hanging out. Right. Like what are you doing this weekend? You're like, this weekend? Working here. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:33:49 Or he would get off and he'd be like work, work, work, work. Yes. Man, I can't talk to Colin about that movie because it bugs him how much I love it. He's so funny in it though. I love it. I'm like dude, it framed how I look at stand-up comedy. Oh yeah. And if you watch it at different points in your career, it means something else.

Starting point is 01:34:03 I watched it two weeks ago. Hey! How great is it at the points in your career, it means something else. I watched it two weeks ago. Hey! How great is it at the beginning you see young Sherrod? Yes. And he goes, there's a certain compulsion among comedians to get on stage. He goes, you wanna go on? He goes, you're up next?

Starting point is 01:34:13 Oh my God. Young Russell Neve. And my favorite is when Colin's sitting right by the server hutch, you know, at that table, and he points to the other table and he goes, T'Palo's got a friend in a think tank. Nick, where's your friend in that think tank? And he goes, Tonya, that think tank bit's gonna be big.

Starting point is 01:34:30 And the story, you know what, I just quoted comedian. Madonna went to the cellar. Schumer brought her and Madonna bombed for a half hour. You don't say. Like she bombed so bad that like, I was- That she was like, bring John Mayer back. Yeah. Oh, she would kill for a mayor set but It was funny I think the British press was like she did so well and the American audience couldn't handle it Oh, we could we got it

Starting point is 01:34:57 But it's like that Quinn bit. That's what I mean. It was a minute of grace Yeah, because Jack Nicholson is the most beloved person on the planet, after five minutes they'd be like, all right, Jack, what do you got? Exactly. Oh dude, there's even a clip of Jack and I don't know if it's the Oscars or what, but he brings out Robin Williams to like, Oh yeah, I remember that.

Starting point is 01:35:13 I think like, he's leaning on a comic. Yeah. Whoa. But Madonna kept doing the thing where she was like, do you guys hate me? And then they would clap. What a week. Did she step for a role or something?

Starting point is 01:35:23 No, she just wants to do it. She's tried stand up before. She did Fallon. She opened for me at the not open for me, but I was opening for Schumer at the garden and she went on before me. And it was the easiest softball follow of all time. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:35:36 Did you talk to her? I tried to get her number. She wasn't into it. But no, I was too scared to approach her. I didn't want her to mace me. Before the pandemic, when Jon Stewart was hanging back out at the floor, it was me, Stewart, and Michelle Wolf at the table,

Starting point is 01:35:50 and Schumer, you know, brought her in and took her downstairs to do a set, and, like, everybody followed. You know, it pulled, like, the side tables, and everybody, like, went down the thing. And to Jon Stewart, I was like, you don't want to go watch Madonna do stand-up? And he, like, looked at the TV, and he goes, not at all. And then looked back at the thing, and to Jon Stewart, I was like, you don't wanna go watch Madonna do stand up? And he looked at the TV and he goes, not at all.

Starting point is 01:36:07 And then looked back at the TV and I was like, this is why you're the best. I said that to Jon Stewart. I said, you are the, the whole theory of never meet your heroes. He's cool. That is not true of Jon Stewart. Great guy.

Starting point is 01:36:21 He's the fucking man. He just sat down at the table. He just did stand up when he was doing like, that first hour was so good too. But when he'd come to the cellar, you literally felt, there's celebrities that make you feel like shit. I've never felt good around Rock.

Starting point is 01:36:35 I've never felt like, oh this is going well, I'm excited, I was like, he comes in, I leave. I just go like. He's way warmer, we had a couple really good. He's warmer, but. He's gotten really cool. Not with me, so I just go the other way. He just like comes in and I go, you know what?

Starting point is 01:36:47 I'll go smoke weed down the stairwell and I'll wait for my set. I'm just, I'm good. Yeah. Stewart, I was like, hey. He like remembered the club I worked at last. Wow. He's like, weren't you down in Florida?

Starting point is 01:36:57 And I was like, yeah, I did that. And he's like, it was awesome. We had a funny week in St. Louis where Gary and I were, we were just, it happened to be the same hotel as Rock and we were trying to film this dumb promo idea we had as really stupid, but the premise of the joke was like every couple days, every day on the road

Starting point is 01:37:12 we'd be like, we should go right, and they're like, let's right, and we'll just cut this jacking off. And then it would just keep getting worse, it'd be like Gary looking through a fucking peephole. It's funny. It's like housekeeping and he'd be jacking through it. And he'd be like, one second, and it would just keep getting more and more disgusting.

Starting point is 01:37:26 And then Rock was really, we had breakfast with him and he was really cool. And then he walked in and I was kind of ending this dumb sketch. Oh. You're like, no, no, no, we're playing pretend time. Yeah. And um.

Starting point is 01:37:37 This is pretend time, Mr. Rock. And I was like, we're just doing a promo. He was like, no, no, I get it, man. He was like, he was really cool about it, but we were like, this is not how we want it. I'll tell you right now, I will absolutely flip-flop if Rock is ever nice to me. He will, he will.

Starting point is 01:37:49 If he was ever, I've talked so much shit, and I guarantee if he came up to me, he'd be like, good set, I'd be like, Bigger and Blacker changed my life. I remember exactly where it was when I watched it. It changed my life. It made me, Bigger and Blacker, For what it's worth. Or no, I mean, killing him softly. Killing him softly, Bigger and blacker More with a new for what it's for what it's worth. No, I mean killing them softly

Starting point is 01:38:06 Yeah, kill them softly bigger and blacker and Dana car V's critics. Oh, that was a great one, which I'm ugly Broccoli, it's adopting a nine-year-old man's like having a baby. How do you babies like having a nine-year-old man? It's got a I mean do changing the cord you make a face? Yeah, he has the OJ chunk. Oh yeah. But I'm doing the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco on March 2nd where they recorded that. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:38:33 The whole reason I was excited, it's a great theater and stuff, but the whole reason I was excited was because that was where Dana Carvey recorded Critics' Choice. That's amazing. Plug some dates, where else are you gonna be? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:43 Pull up his dates. I'm gonna be at the Levity Live in Alabama, in Huntsville, February 20th through the 22nd, and then I'll be at the Balboa Theater, February 28th in San Diego. I'll be at the United Theater, March 1st in Los Angeles. We're trying to hold onto that date, we might have to move it, but March 2nd,

Starting point is 01:39:04 I will be at Palace Fine Arts in San Francisco. Nice. And then March 7th, I will be, or March 8th, I will be, as part of Gilda's Laugh Fest, I'm doing a theater in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Cool. DanceOder.com for all my dates.

Starting point is 01:39:20 Hell yeah, and check out the YouTube special. It's climbing. Yeah, it's, we're at like, yeah, just go watch me do stand-up. I love doing it. Go see Dan the Road. Dan's got a great podcast as well right now. Oh yeah. Who's this?

Starting point is 01:39:33 You. Oh, jeez. I'm picking up some casinos so I don't have to leave the baby for too long. He's in the car right now. Atlantis Casino in Reno. Then I'm doing Nashville at the Ryman. Then Napa. Santa Barbara, Asheville, Bristol Tennessee, New Brunswick, Ithaca, Rochester, Portchester, Albany, Burlington,

Starting point is 01:39:54 Wassaw, Wassow? Wax on, wax off. Yeah, some thing we took from the Indians. Green Bay, Eugene, San Jose, and Mashantucket at the great cedar showroom at Foxwood Hey, I'm doing the Flynn and Burlington to hey Never done that one Burlington rules I do like Burlington Burlington is great and also they have the greatest sandwich shop in the world called four corners of the earth Oh, really? It's one guy. Oh, it's all the sandwiches and he it's his it's his thing. It's the greatest

Starting point is 01:40:23 I'm in I'll see you there. right what do you got Sammy? Sammy the Bull. When does this come out? Eight weeks. Let's start the bull down a little bit let's just say yeah we got February 11th Tulsa Austin Dallas Houston Nola Memphis Knoxville Nashville Birmingham Atlanta Durham you, Mark. Then in March, we got New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth added a second there. Look at this. Porton, Maine.

Starting point is 01:40:51 We're going hard. Burlington, Vermont, Montreal, Toronto. Hey, we're all doing the Flynn. Yeah, baby. Buffalo, New York, Albany, Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids. It goes on and on. Samorow.com.

Starting point is 01:41:01 I'm coming everywhere, baby. This is crazy. This is March 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th. Yo, you know what's crazy? On a tour bus, baby. Whoa! God damn. Hell yeah. Go back to the March 8th thing.

Starting point is 01:41:14 March 8th? Are you in Portland, Maine? Portland, Maine. No, I think I'm right by you though on... Down by the bayou. Down by the bayou. March 9th, you're in Burlington. Let's hang oh I'm not there till

Starting point is 01:41:28 Damn it. I'm not there. I'm not there Damn it. I thought I was there like that weekend State theater watch out those guys get hammered those great time. We talked with his last time. I had a great one last time, but okay Oh, that's hilarious. I'm not at the flint till May I thought May was March I'm stupid all good then we got the West Coast all through the West Coast I'm hidden so samorail.com slash shows or just follow us all on punch up punch up dot live slash Dan Soder punch up dot live yeah shout out punch up yeah punch up dot live slash Samorail get tickets there and see Dan on tour, man.

Starting point is 01:42:05 Hell yeah. Great to see you. Love you guys, thanks for having me on. Thanks for coming in. Yep. Hope you can shit soon. Poop time. Meow. A little too much burping And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope

Starting point is 01:42:25 And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true

We Might Be Drunk - Dan Soder

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.