We Might Be Drunk - Derrick Stroup & Gary Vider

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Derrick Stroup and Gary Vider join Mark and Sam, covering Netflix specials, bombing after a hot hour, DUI horror stories, and why airport restaurants are all a scam. They get into comedy road life, border patrol close calls, and the struggle of building new material after a special drops. Plus, peeves on guacamole with no chips, fake “Best By” dates, and the insanity of uncrustables. Gary Vider: https://punchup.live/garyvider/tickets Derrick Stroup: https://www.derrickstroup.com/ Sponsored by: Lucy Nicotine #sponsored Get a discount on your order: https://www.lucy.co — use promo code DRUNK Tempo Meals #sponsored 60% off your first box: https://www.tempomeals.com/drunk Harry’s #sponsored Get the Harry’s Plus trial set for $10: https://www.harrys.com/WMBD Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #DerrickStroup #GaryVider #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey00:00 Intro & Derek’s Special 02:00 Birmingham Stories & Paperclip Nazis 05:00 Derek’s Comedy Origins 08:00 Drunk Driving Tales 13:00 Border Trouble & Drug Stories 16:30 Building New Material 20:00 The Struggles of Working Out Jokes 26:00 Pet Peeves Segment 33:00 Airport Chains & Restaurant Rants 41:00 Parenthood & Clean Comedy 48:00 NBA Talk & Being a Nuggets Fan 56:00 Writing New Bits & Comedy Homework 01:03:00 Childhood Snacks & Food Nostalgia 01:10:00 Southern Upbringing & Local Comedy Scenes 01:14:00 Plugs & Closing Banter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

back we got uh gary veter and derrick's what's going on Derek's got a new special on netflix right now called nostalgic thank you thank you yeah give it a watch that's awesome man thank you man it's been a lot it's been a lot of fun first one I've put out we hung on for the first week and then

your boy mark over here uh bumped me out well WWE fucked all of us in the ass yeah you got knocked out by Bridgeton let's be honest yeah let's be honest my wife told me that was coming she goes Bridgeton's coming for your ass My wife was watching it and coming. But yeah, it looked great. Would you shoot it here? Birmingham, Alabama, the lyric theater.

That was way off. Yeah, yeah, you were way off. I think we did that. Yeah, we did that one. Birmingham's good. Yeah, Birmingham's a great comedy city. And you say that about cities that you don't stay in for a long time. And that's very much a Birmingham situation.

That was a bus city. Yeah. Now, Birmingham was fun. But are you from? I'm from right outside of Huntsville, Alabama. Oh, okay. Yeah, like Von Braun. Yeah, the Brawn Center.

The Jews always latch on to the Nazi Museum. Yeah. Operation paper clip. Yeah. But they used him. He was a smart Nazi. They used him for good. For sure.

That's what you need to do that more. You can always tell a museum is interesting when they have a pop a shot there. They have a basketball. And you're like, this doesn't have anything to do with the museum. This will loosen him up. That's the Atlanta part. We'll round the edges with a pop a shot. We should use bad guys for good.

Like Frank Abagnale, the guy from Catch Me if he can, the FBI took him and said, Help Us. That's what they think. Maybe. He's playing them, dude. We'll get Derek Chauvin, put him in UFC. I'm just saying. Yeah, maybe anti-Semitism.

You could ask him first, but are you smart? And then you bring them over. Oh, there you go. You get on the SATs. There you go. That would start. Turns out they're all really smart. This is a bummer.

They nailed it. This is bad. We have a whole department. now. Yeah, we should get suicide bombers on our side. Just, you know, throw them at back and I ran. Have them on Air Canada.

That'll shorten the trip on. That airline sucks. I don't think it was their fault. Yeah, it wasn't Air Force. It was an air traffic control thing. Oh, I'm just saying in general. Oh, it does suck. It's not great.

It's not great. It's up there with West Jet. West Jet. Blow me. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, they hit the fire truck. Yeah. Yeah, the guy confessed.

He said it was his fault. I'll tell you know the airlines are bad right now Mark there's a plane crash yesterday Mark's like oh yeah yeah yeah pretty casual yeah yeah yeah hit a fire truck and the guy did I mean he like immediately he goes that's my fault like yeah no no Rick you're good buddy we've all done this right 40 in the hospital it's insane death any death two deaths two pilots but and there was a uh the stewardess two is not horrible right two is that it was just yeah just the two pilots I mean, it's just all the pilots. That's it.

100% of the pilots died. All right, well, RIP, sorry. I was to say the fire truck was on its way, I think, to another plane. No. And then that's when it collided with this. So they're probably like, I guess we've got to put out this one. The irony. It's like a pre-stopping a kid rape or something.

That's a perfect example. It wasn't making sense. And I go, wow. That's what I'm here for. I explained things. But there was a flight attendant that was in a jump seat in the cockpit, and then she got tossed out of it and still survived. In the seat.

She got thrown in the seat 300 feet down. And she managed to still yell at someone, make sure you're playing an airplane mode. Yeah, yeah. Your phone. Goddammit. You got the fucking point. Yes.

So, yeah, what have you been doing comedy? Eight minutes? Eight minutes. I've been doing it probably, I've got a weird history with comedy. 10 or 11 years of like actual like open mics in a scene. Yeah. Before that it was like three years of me just running a bar getting black out and doing 45 minutes just for fun.

Wow. I would do it like. In Alabama. In Alabama. Yeah. There was a bar that I ran in Jacksonville, Alabama. And there was like, it was crazy. All these country singers that are big now kind of were coming through Riley Green,

Sam Hunt, Drake White. And I was like, if I hear wagon wheel one more time, I'm going to kill myself. So I just, as running the bar, I just made pictures a dollar. and I got up and just rambled for an hour. Never met another comedian, never been to a mic. I wasn't doing it like chasing a dream. Where are my gloves? Come on, heat.

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I was like, maybe this will be, you know. It sounds like the worst bar ever. It was the best. Maybe the bartenders ranting again. It is the best. Well, in the middle of Alabama, nobody has seen anything like this because nobody talks publicly without a song. Nobody's on stage, you know, with a microphone giving thoughts or takes.

So I was up there just, you know, ripping on our buddy sitting in the front row, you know, talking about the cops that were waiting on us outside of the door. You know, just real local stuff. But it was a wild way to get into it. Yeah. Did you go, hey, buddy, come watch me? Like, how did you get a crowd going? Well, I mean, you know, I was always holding court telling stories, being a jokester.

And so a bunch of times my friends would be like, man, you should do comedy. You should do comedy. And it's like, that doesn't exist in our world. Yeah. So eventually I just watched Robin Williams live on Broadway, and I go, okay, I think I got a decent read on this. And so I just went up there. And I was just doing it for fun, like for three, three, four years. Whoa.

About five, probably five to seven times a year. truly like just a fun little little hobby and then I got a couple DUIs and I made it my job hell yeah let that be a lesson to you kids don't get started to at least you drink and drive twice that's exactly right two times just in the same you're about to start comedy yeah he's one away from having an hour yeah but I heard why would you not just Uber at this point he's just in Timberlake well he runs the world he can do whatever he wants so he's like I'm not gonna get busted I guess yeah it probably gets out of it he'd probably got it out of it before I Yeah, but it's not worth this.

Yeah. Well, he told the police officer when he got pulled over that he was on a world tour. Yeah. Which is a wild scene. Yeah. Like, I understand wanting to tell him you're Justin Timberlake. Maybe that works. Sure.

I'm on a world tour. The cop goes, what is a world tour? He was shit face, but he's probably like there. He's like, sees a cop behind him. He's like, got to see the world tour. Plug. There is a body cam. Plug it.

Yeah. Plug it. I'm in Edinburgh. Just telling you. Got sense. Got it. No, but he also, at one point they were like, what do you do? And he goes, I don't know how to explain this.

I'm Justin Timberlake. I'm like, just say musician. I know. He had the most normal conversation he's had with a regular person. That's true. And there's one point where he goes, how long am I going to be here? The guy goes, you're going to stay the night? He goes, the whole night?

And I remember he's like, oh, he's never done anything unpleasant for a while. That's how jail works. Yeah, one night is another. He should be like, oh, great, one night. Also, it's a Hampton's jail, too. It was in the Hamptons. Yeah. Everyone drinks and drives in the Hamptons, I guess.

And that's why I was by himself, too. You know, usually these guys will be with it. That's true. Can you imagine how bad he was driving to get pulled up? I bet the cop was like, my, I don't even want to do. He's in the yard again. Right. I mean, because in the Hamptons, I bet they're not just knocking people down.

Too much money in that community. Right. Be a headache. Good point. Yeah, Billy Joel. That was his whole doc. He was just drinking it. That was the whole song, You may be right.

I may be crazy. But that just might be the lunatic you're looking for. Because he was, I think he wrote a motorcycle home drunk. That's it. And she was like, you're a lunatic and he was like, all right, the wheels are going. Even when he's in a blackout, it's like, I think I got something.

Yeah. Yeah, he hit a house. You gotta be drunk to hit a house. Oh man, that is tough. Yeah. So you got two DUIs. Yeah, I got two DUIs. After the first one, how do you get a second one? Six months? Yeah, I say six months because it sounds better than four, but

yeah. I just got on a heater man, back to back. The first one was like a classic. I got in a vehicle that had a light out. It wasn't my car. but they were real cool about it. I got it in Alabama. It was like Mayberry. They like gave me a slice of pie.

They were like, you can't drive drunk. You're going to kill somebody. Right. And like, you know, we're like playing dominoes hanging out. The second one was outside of Atlanta and they were pissed. Oh, that's a real city. Yeah, yeah. It was in Cartersville.

And the judge just really, really went after me. He found out that I ran a college bar. Oh, he found out it was my second DUI. So even though I got it in a parking lot, parked car wedding. Oh, wedding. Oh, come on. I know. It keeps getting worse. I had a decent case when the plea, but I mean, I blew it from the get-go. You ought to see the camera. She walks up and I lead with this. I wasn't going to drive, but I lead with, oh, I'm not driving. I just got a DUI. I don't even have a license. And she was like, you got to come out because the key was in the ignition and I was truly just heating it up. That's how they get you, the key in the ignition. That's it. But I was cooked immediately. And then we were going to take it to a jury. My lawyer, he liked the case that we had. There was a lot of loose.

poll. She would, she admitted on tape. I go, I'm at my buddy's wedding. And she goes, we know you're at a wedding. We've been out here all night. And so, you know, there was some things. But when it came down to it, when we told them that we would take it to a jury, they put our feet to the fire. You know, the DA was like, well, we want max consequences. So five years prison, you know, all these other things. Or you can just take the two DUIs and we'll call it even. Fight it. I'll do the time. No, no, no. I was outside of the court. My lawyer was like, No, I mean, he was fired up. And I was like, hey, hey.

You get the worst possible lawyer. He's like, I can do this. He was young. He was like 25. All I could afford. Yeah. And he was like, no, we are prepared for this case. I go, you're not doing the time.

Yes. I go, I just watched locked up for three days in a row. The last thing I'm doing is going to jail. So I just took the DUIs and. You could have been white Ali Sadieke. Oh, my God. Yeah, I grew. Close call.

So what is? It's on your record now. Like, I mean, you're not going to have a seat. I mean, the crazy thing is, is I'm really an outlaw because I never finished my probation. I just never went back. I did it like three or four times. It's good to say this publicly. I am a fusion.

Well, I had to eventually, you know, you got to pay money to fix this thing. But I quit going for a little bit, and then I had to tie my loose ends and fix it. But, yeah, I was on the run. I thought you moved here to get better at comedy. It's just because he's not any car. I went to Denver first for 10 years without a car. Yeah, because I haven't drove in 15 years. Damn.

But if I see you drunk on a city bike, we're going to have a talk. That could screw you going to Canada. You know, people get stopped at a little of the time. Yeah, can you do Canada? Yeah, I've been to Canada, I mean, countless times. I mean, there's one... He's like, I got two Canadian DUIs. Well, there was one time they took me back to the office.

They have like a long conversation, hour long. And they eventually come out and they, you know, let me go. And in a comedian's head, I go, I bet they watch some of my material. And they go, you know what? I like it. Let him through. Let him through. Because it was an hour of me sitting in that office.

So that's the close call that I've had. And what did they say when they came out? No, nothing. There was no like real conversation about anything. I mean, now when I'm doing like big gigs, like when I'm doing like that, the festival that they have every summer, you know, you've got a piece of paper that kind of, there's no questions asked. I'm kind of shooting through.

Oh, the outdoor thing. Yeah. Great outdoors. Great outdoors. Yeah. When you're doing the comedy clubs, it becomes a little bit, you know, I don't really have the paperwork that just shoes me in. Right, right. It's a little bit more of a conversation.

Damn. Yeah. Let's see. Everybody gives us shit for the board. Every border. Canada's border is wild. Yeah. They found a marijuana seed in my friend's car and he couldn't get in.

Yeah. A seed. A seed. A seed is his life. It doesn't your friend's a liar. Oh, he is a pot dealer. He's a drug addict. But, uh.

It was just one seed. They're like, dude, it was four pounds of marijuana. And a seed, yeah. He's a bad seed. Look at that. Hey, see. He's a pro. That's great.

That's a good Photoshop, Peters. That is. We had to scrap the Paul Walker one. Turns out it wasn't moving products. Well, Gary used to sell Coke if we're really getting into vices. I did, and I actually brought Coke over the border before. Oh, really? I was an idiot.

Been his way on the drug boat? No. sophomore in college, my buddy and I were going over to, because they had the casino over there. You could gamble at 19. So you get Niagara Falls Casino. So a few of our friends were there. They called us up.

They're like, hey, we didn't bring any Coke. Do you want to come here? We have this big hotel room. You could come here. I'm like, sure, I'll bring the Coke. And then I didn't think twice of it. And then we go through the border. And then as soon as you get to the board, that's when you start sweating

bullets. Yeah, of course. You're right there. You're like, oh, shit. Like, if we get stopped or they start, like, you know, patting us down. Yeah. They're going to get to find the Coke. But they just let us straight through.

Where was the Coke? In my pocket. Whoa. What? That is insane. That's crazy. It wasn't like a huge amount. It was like maybe five bags of like five grams.

Yeah. So that was it. Well, you're unassuming. No one would expect you to be smugging drugs. Yeah, exactly. That's what I went with a lot. I was just like nobody would expect this. Yeah.

Could have fuck me though. Well, I got a funny about a Canadian border story. I did Buffalo helium. And the next day I had a gig in Canada. And it's like, I don't. an hour drive. So the opener was like, I'll drive you, but do you have any drugs in your bag just so we don't get stopped? And I was like, oh, let me check.

I opened the bag. It's full of drugs I'd accumulated over the years. It's shrooms and pills and weed and all this shit, gummies. So I go, ah, I don't want to get rid of all. This is a lot of money worth it. This is good stuff. So he goes, why don't you plant it somewhere? We'll hide it.

What is it's Fargo? He's like, well, hide it in the right at the border of New York somewhere. Well, nobody will see it. And then when you're done with the gig, we'll drive back and get it. And I was like, hey, that's pretty good. So we hide it next to this guy's house. And we put, like, some leaves over it and shit and, you know, a branch. And we go do the gig.

And I came back the next day with a different opener to go fly out of Buffalo. The guy went and stole it. My other opener. He took all the drugs. He went back before me. Wow. Should have had Andy Dick open for you that time. He blew me, though.

Yeah, yeah. The guy stole all my drugs. So you know who you are. We hear this. Remember when we were going through customs, I think we were coming back through Vancouver to Seattle. And the guy was a fan. And my tour manager, Brian, didn't know that. So the guy was like, oh, shit, Sam, what's up?

How was it? And I go, just as Brian, the tour manager who always worries walks in. I go, I were just like human trafficking and some chicks back there. And it got a good laugh from the border people. But Brian was like, what the fuck is happening? But there was nothing. Oh, all right. I thought you were going to jail for a year.

So I know what happens just because my friend was an idiot. This is the same friend that I drove the drugs with. We went through to the border another time because I went to school at University of Buffalo. So we would go through the border and then like go up to Toronto every so often. But we're going through one time and he didn't hear the guy say pull over because they wanted to inspect our car. And he just kept driving. And what happens when you do that and you go through the border, a siren goes off. And we had four guys pointing rifles at the car.

And then they inspected the car for like the next two. hours. And you had coke there? No, I didn't have any Coke. Thank God. No, Coke. We were just going up to Toronto. But that was, and that was the same friend who was driving, and that was maybe a few months after the time to brought up Coke. So that's what goes on when after you... I didn't hear the cops.

He starts firing back in the car. I mean, we got lucky. Yeah, it was us and actually there was like two other guys in the car too. Jesus. But yeah, that was it. Yeah, wow. Gary's Cartel. Gary's Cartel. Sounds like a cartel you could like rent.

In Harry's cartel. We got hit, man. They're hourly. Very unassuming. So wait. You put an hour out a month ago. Yeah. How are you doing with new stuff?

Oh, man, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare, right? He bought back the bar just to rant. It truly is, it's tough. I mean, it's fun. Sometimes, when you start to figure it out, I enjoy the sting, the process. But sometimes when you're up on stage, you feel like an unarmed man. Totally.

And also, you ride those those. few, those last few months where you've got this hot hour you're running. Every night, you're just like, I'm about to put my whole foot in their ass. Yes. And you have no doubt in any of your jokes, and it's as tight as it could be. And then now you're from the top and you're up there and you're like, and it's just hard for me sometimes in the middle of the show to not be like, yeah, this is all pretty new. Oh, yeah.

It's pretty new. I know. You know, because sometimes, you know, you can feel the crowd and it's like. But it's a call you out. It's ego, too, though. But I think sometimes, like, I see you do a couple old ones. And it's like, you do that to give the new one a running start. It's cushion.

You need to. And it's like, I think sometimes we get in her head like, the special's done. I'm never telling that joke ever again. I know. It's insane. You're right. You got to give the new one a fighting, a fighting chance. Yeah.

Get momentum, a little runway. Yeah. But we do that. It's ego. It's like, I'm done. But you're giving them a better show, and you're giving the jokes a better chance. Here's something I've been doing at the beginning of the show. I don't know if this is something that you all would do, but I'll ask the crowd right now.

I'll go, how many of y'all have seen this special? I do the same thing. Okay. And let me tell you, I love it. And, you know, the further you get away from it, now mine's been out for a couple weeks. The first 10 days, a lot of smart people out there were holding off and waiting to watch. And when you feel that in the room, either way, I'm probably going to do the same set, work the same new stuff. But the confidence you get.

Right. When the room acts like they haven't seen your special. You're like, my God. Even though you're still going to go out on the ledge and try that, you just don't feel as vulnerable. Yeah. Because you just don't feel as naked. But I've been asking people. And, yeah, and, you know, room to room, it's a little different.

Yeah, but when they all cheer, I'm like, gosh. Oh, yeah, Phoenix, I was like, oh, way to go. You watch the whole thing. You think I've got a whole new hour. They're like we watched it twice. Yeah. So just know out there, folks, we're not less funny because they go, geez, they wasn't that good, you know. Instead that we're less funny, we're just working on something.

Give us a chance here. You're a cripple for a couple months. No, you really are. You really are. If you want to keep turning it over. But they also get to see the organic experience of developing the material until, like, when it gets to this, Everybody says that, but in the real, that sounds cool. We get to watch it work out and try new stuff and see where his brain goes, but then it's really going,

cushions are weird, you know? They're soft, but they're kind of hard. This ticket was $50. Exactly. The organic experience. Exactly. I was trying to help it out. I know, I know.

Everybody says that, but that's cool for eight minutes, but at our minute 51. We're saying, you know, I mean, Seinfeld talked about this. I mean, we always referenced comedian, but, like, you get the big pop, like, right off the that but then it's like all right time to make me laugh exactly you can feel that because i mean my first i've got like uh right now the first maybe 15 minutes are like really new and really fresh and the drop off i feel after yes yes and it's just in me too because my confidence in this stuff i'm like this is great this is new not a person in the room has heard and then i get to this you know 15 20 minute mark and i'm like godlly i know it's daunting because we're not actors and yeah like we're

not fit we we know that it's not funny yet so we're delivering like is this no you're so right you're so right compared to when you know you've got a bit down and tight and we deliver it like i mean it's not even like i'm gonna gift this to you yeah how about right yeah signfo goes at boleros when you go out there with like all that ammo yeah that's when you have an hour you know and now we're out there with a fucking slingshot with no rocks it's always so dramatic with comedians i know i have a whole of all these guns Just a mic. Just a mic.

Yeah, but I mean, unlike musicians, though, we don't get to play the hits when we come back. We don't get to go out there. You know, I'm sure y'all have the conversation. People don't get mad if you do one. Yeah. And you can't do other people's hits either, though, which is, you know, in music every once in a while, you can be like, they're getting kind of weird. How about a little Fleetwood Mac to get back on our feet again?

Woo! I love that song! Yeah, exactly. I can't go. Well, here's it. Or have them sing along with it. Yeah. When you forget it all of it.

Exactly because I ever you guys do. Let's all do hot pockets together. I can't lose the crowd at the cellar and go, okay, I'm going to follow it up with a George Carlin bit. And then I'll go back to my stuff. I do a little Carlos Monsea because, you know, he did it from someone else. Yeah, who's fine. Yeah, whose bit is it really anyway?

Who knows? But also it's like all of us have jokes. It's like when we stop, like when you have to stop to think about something new, it completely kills your momentum also. That's true. You don't take a breath sometimes. You get by going. So when you're trying to think of like, all right,

How does this one go, this new one? It's got to, you know, it's tough, I mean, it's tough for everybody, but it's hard. It is. And I get jealous of guys like you, because you're an Alabama guy. Like, I'm from Louisiana, but I don't really sound different. Yeah. And you sound different. So you kind of have a thing.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the further I go along, the more I learn how to use that accent. In the beginning, when I was in Colorado, it wasn't cool. I didn't get on stage when you're not funny and you sound like this. Right. It just sounds, I mean, people don't love it. But when you get, yeah. Yeah, when you get a little edge and you find some punchlines and some jokes, people are like, man, that pairs well with some good comedy.

But it took a while for me to get to the point to where. And I talk about on stage, New York City is the toughest city in the country for this accent. Oh, yeah. And I love it because it creates leverage on stage because there's always tension for me. Right. There's always something for me to, I can be a little smarter or a little faster. That's my favorite thing about doing comedy in this city is people are so assuming. Yes.

And I can kind of put them on their head And that's my favorite Sometimes in the South I feel like they don't even know that it's a joke They're like, where's the punchline? And I'm like, well, in other places That's really funny That we do that, you know?

Yeah, that's a good point. Shit, do we got, we got any peeves? I got some peeves. I got a peeve. Oh, you got a peeve. That's not a peeve. I had something I want to talk about. So he's pointing at me, which is a good start.

I got a peeve, a guy who doesn't have a peeve? Yeah, hey guy with the Blue Bomber check. So I don't know if this popped up on your radar at all, but we had a guest a couple weeks back who did a whole episode and then asked for it to be pulled because they're sort of a clean-ish type of comic. I got a million texts about this.

Yeah, everyone wants to know who it is. And they'll never guess it. They'll never guess it. They thought it was you. No, no, no. They were positive. It was me. And I don't know how much y'all pay attention to the threads.

By the way, thanks for doing this episode again. I was going to say that as a joke at first, and then I go, no, I realize that there's people so dumb on the internet that if I joked about it, they would turn this episode off and go, I knew it was Derek before I could ever. But no, no, I was in the thread swinging on people. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't, I'm not like, people assume wrong with me. They think because I'm a clean Southern comedian that I'm like this like super buttoned up guy. Like I'll whip your ass. Like I'm a little bit of a, I got a little bit of a difference. I'll kill you in my car. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll find you and whoop your ass. But no, everybody thought it was me.

Yeah. The whole internet, and I tried to defend myself, but it just kept snowballing, which, you know, it led to me being on here, which worked out. Yeah. My first rumor, I felt like it was traction. Yeah, yeah. They were like, who is this guy? And they were like, dude he yells and they think it's him.

Hey, press is press, baby. It was you a dusty sleigh, everybody thought. Oh, shit. Both innocent. And I love the internet. They go, it's dusty. I know it. Yeah.

All right, you don't know shit. Get out of here. I don't think they're going to get it because it's not a traditional stand-up. Not in a million years, but I've been telling everybody. But someone's... Yeah, yeah. I was about to say, I know who it is now, and it's crazy because it's not on anybody's radar. No. Dude, Judd Apatow

texts me. I need to know. It's safe with me. I was like, this is really making the rounds. Yeah, Rogan has to be on the pod. I was like, you've got to cut that. Seriously. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's out there, baby. And every... The internet loves a mystery. They want to crack it, you know? Like Epstein.

Can we lower Gary's face for this whole episode? They don't know who he is already. A guy who's really hurt. After the part, Hey, Mark, can I talk to you, sir? Hey, can we cut that? Yeah, yeah. I want to cut the entire episode.

What was that? Oh, I was drinking at the time. Oh, yeah. Oh, the peeve, that's where we were going. But then he had to jump in with the sensitive friend. Yeah, yeah. I got a peeve. The friend who asks what you're doing before telling you what the thing is, you're free Thursday and you're like, what's going on?

Yeah. Because it's never good when they lead with the date. 100%. If it's good, you're like, dude, Nick's tickets Thursday, you win? Yeah. If it's, you're leading with the trap. So true. Great point.

They do that. A lot of people do it. Clubs will be like, can I, can you call me? I got something to ask you. Oh, can you call me? Can you call me as bad? That means they have a big question that you don't. don't want to do, but it's easier to get you to say yes over the phone.

Because if they just go, will you do this? I go, no. But if they call you, it's a trip. Hey, can you call me? What's your bank password? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

So, anybody who has something good would lead with the good information. Exactly. Anything else is going to put you out. And I should rephrase it. If it's a really close friend, usually this is not an issue, but it's the non-close friends. Absolutely. A random. Yeah.

If you text me, what are you doing Thursday? I'm assuming it's going to be good. Yeah, we'll go to dinner or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. If Gary texts me, I'm buying dinner. Same thing, you know, it's fine. Yeah, by the way, you're free.

I knew he's coming, of course. Yeah, yeah, okay, I got one. How about this guy? This is the friend thing, too. The friend, when you do something stupid, this actually happened to me, you do something stupid, you tell the guy what you did, and he goes, oh, yeah, you can't do that. And I'm like, I know, asshole. I'm getting in trouble for it. Making it feel worse about your thing.

Yeah, like, I'd be like, oh, I called my wife fat. And they're like, ooh, yeah, you never want to do that. I'm like, I know. I'm in hot water already. I know to not do that. I'm in trouble about it. That's a great peep because now you bring it to this person. Clearly that you just want a little security that it's not the end of the world.

Just tell me you've done it. Tell me that you understand. We've all been there. Not, oh, well, yeah, you're in trouble now. Yeah. Well, yeah, no shit, Sherlock. I thought that we were going to get through this together. I like that peeve.

Thank you. Yeah, just agree with me that my wife is fast. That was just an example, honey. You know, you go, oh, I should have gotten a DUI. I shouldn't have drove drunk. They're like, yeah, you never want to drive drunk. I'm like, I know, I'm in jail. I'm aware that I should have.

You're my one phone call. It's done. The deed is done. Damn it. Stop double shaming me. The double shame. I'm already shamed. The double shame is a name.

That's good. I like that. Okay. Yeah, you don't pile on when something's bad. No, no. I got another one. You guys want to, you guys got something? I'll go.

So I got Mexican the other night. Ordered a tort. Ordered a chicken cassidia for the kids. And then we also had a steak cassidia. And then we wanted some guacamole and chips. So I ordered it said, you know, on the menu said guacamole. I ordered that. Comes no chips.

Just eight ounces of guacamole. That's crazy. So I call up the place. They go, hey, there are no chips here. And they go, yeah, because we have a thing of guacamole on the menu. And we also have a thing of guacamole and chips. I didn't see the chips thing. Okay.

But who wants just guacamole? Yeah. You can't do anything. Am I wrong with this? You can't just... They should be sending chips even without... I like a Mexican place to send chips with salsa. Yeah.

Regardless. Regardless. They should always put chips. Default. Yeah, I agree. But only guas... So, my piece... How do you do that?

How do you... I'm gonna set fucking ice in there. They should feel their best behavior of these restaurants. I'm fucking taking them all that. Guy, we come to complete psycho on Facebook. These fucking pieces of you. shit. We've got to close the border. But we're talking to half

a pound of fucking guac. Half a pound is crazy. Half a pound of guacamole with nothing to dip in except my casadia, which I don't need it. I don't have to dip my cassidia. Did you use your old Coke scales to measure it? I've never even heard guack and weight metric. I've never either. I have a quarter pound of guack. I have a quarter pound of guack. It's like pretty good.

It's pure. Jeez. He's doing this shit with a quack. It's a kilo of guack on my table. The problem is Yeah, it's like you got nothing to do with it. Exactly. It's insane. So I went back. I was furious.

Okay. You went there. I went back to get the chips. And then they charged me for the chips. But it's also, I calm down a little bit on the drive back. And then I didn't say anything. I just bought the chips and I left. But I was pretty furious.

I guess you could put guac. You could scoop it out and put it on a taco as like a garnish. I don't have a taco. I had a cassidia and a tortilla. You can put it on a cassidia. Yeah. But how much? I get your point on.

What side are you on? I get it. You're piling on. This is what we're talking about. The double shave. Quag without chips is tough. Yeah, that's crazy. You got to put chips in it.

Eight ounces. Eight ounces. It's one thing with the size. It's a lot of ounces. Like a maramican. Yeah. I have my, my, my, my, I got a bunch of peeves, but I'll start off. I'll start off with.

I think at airports, most of the, 90% of the restaurants should be chains. I hate the, I hate the local. Damn, you are on Nate's tour. Jesus. The sizzling acorn that's over there where you charge me $64 because you act like this is real salmon. This is insane. And it's the most overpriced the food is never good, rarely, not unless you're at an Lways in Denver, which is also a chain because there's a couple. But when you're inside of an airport, you can do a sweet greens.

We can do a pop belly chipotle. We can get these type of foods that are decent, but they're on the move. I do not want your unique take on anything inside of an airport because I'm already getting my head busted on the regular. Chains. Now you act like this is some artesian joint. It's not. I can hear them. They're boarding group three for JetBlue right behind me. This is not a unique situation. Right. And I hate pretending like it is. Airport Chili's some of the best chilies that you're going to get. Chilies too. Chilies too. Because now they're too busy to be bad. There's nothing that's sitting back there that's not being there. All the seats are full. You're getting fresh food. So anyways, airports should just be a little bit because those are money grabbers. Those little unique places they try to sell you. But yeah. That's my... Familiarity, too, is nice. This isn't something I've thought about. It's kind of like...

Worst service you'll ever get, too, in one of those places. It's a nightmare. And I look down and 20% tip on this thing because it's $84. It's just... Right. Here's a follow-up question. What if it's a bar? Oh, yeah, totally different.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a totally different ballgame. I love some... There's some great bars out there at different airports that you should belly up to get some decent bar food. It's these places that really try to, you know, act like that they're a unique, you know, restaurant.

And they got, you know, the soup food on the minute. And it's $90. That's crazy. Yeah, there's a pulsaric reduction. And to tag onto that peeve, just give me, once I've ordered all my food, you know I have, and I say no thanks to dessert, just put the check on my table. And let me be in charge of when I get out of this joint because I hate being held hostage at the end of my meal.

I start to, like, become like, I mean, it looks like there's, like, ants on. Yeah. Just give me the check, and I'll tip you and I'll pay you. but please don't make me watch you walk around after 20 minutes. That's universal, man. That's any restaurant, I agree with that. Yeah, but especially in an airport because, like, you're clearly on the move. Yes, clearly.

Yeah, just give me the check. Ask me. I love when they have the check and they go, you're good on, we're good. And I go, you know what, Susan, I think I'm perfect. And they lay it down. Now, I'm in charge of when I exit. Yes. That's a beautiful feeling.

Yeah. I actually like when they have the iPad thing. Oh, at the table. Yeah, I love that. I kind of like it. I do too. I do too. Yeah, I used to open for some headliner.

I'm not going to say who, but they would order the meal and then just go, bring the check. So you get the check with the meal. Yeah. Which I think restaurants think that's like uncouth or some shit, but I'm like, hey, we want to just leave. We just want to leave. Yeah.

You're right. This shit. Hey. Yeah, yeah. I hate that. It is a nightmare because they've moved on in their heads. It's not like malicious, but this table is closed and done. They don't need.

So they've kind of subconsciously going to a different section. And now it looks like I'm drowning. Also, out of all the restaurants, they work at an airport. So it's like they got their own problems. True. You know? Sure. Sure. Okay.

Sorry about that. I want to see if I have more pee. I got an airport one. Now, this one's a little outside the box and it might ruffle some feathers. Okay. I saw it at the airport where you see it around. You see this in, you know, hotels or whatever. The guy walking around in sweatpants with his hands in his pants.

Not in his pockets. Yeah, it's wild. Okay, I'll do it. Sweatpants is a big one. You see a guy walking around like this. Yeah. The old Ted Bundy. Right?

No, no, no. Just like... Oh, in there? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's disgusting. Yeah. It's unsanitary.

Yeah, like, put your hands in your pockets. You got a pocket right here. He was the pilot, too, which made it even worse. It was at the airport because everybody's wearing pajama pants at the airport now. I sound like a boomer. But, uh... I was going to say, I mean, I agree with you, but that's definitely showing our age there. Yeah.

That's like on our radar where we go, I remember when we used our pockets. Right. You know? Yeah. But who the hell wears pants without pockets? Yeah. Yeah, I clock everybody. I'm like, why's his hand in his pants?

Oh, it's sweatpants, I guess. But it's like a cool guy thing. I've noticed they'll put their hands in the pants. You see the V going down to his dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the hand out. I mean, I do, but I want to admit it. Yeah, it's rare, but I've seen it multiple times.

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Make sure you let him know we send you. You ever get deli meat from the store, and it says best buy? I hate that. Just say expired. Yeah. It's not Best Buy 316. Yeah. Is it pretty good on 317?

I think it is. I don't think it is. Well, with milk, I saw a thing about this. Milk is still good. but it's best by this time. So it's different, you're saying? It's different, but it's still drinkable. It started to turn just a little bit.

That's not what I'm talking about. Oh, Jesus. What are you? He's happened to the podcast. He was going for a gag there. Oh, I thought you were like trying to help. You just. Yeah, they said it's actually, it's edible.

Edible. But then when does it expire? There's an expiration date. There wasn't. There wasn't. There was no expiration. It was just the best. Okay.

Okay, so fine. But they're different things. All right. If they are, in fact, different things, if it comes with an expiration, that's okay. That's better anyway, because just tell me when it's done.

Don't give me like a rating of, now it's a B, now it's a C. How about wet ham? That's pretty gross. Wet ham. Well, you can't buy ham like that in a package. Why not?

That's disgusting. Oh, I buy that all that all. How do you buy you? How do you buy you? I'm Jewish. Oh, yeah. You eat fucking. I mean, everyone's wrong.

Not two you old, though. But you didn't eat it to you old. right? Really? Cowsure, yeah. He does blow all day. Thanks for helping me, Sam. It's like, no, no, you're not going to do that shit to Derek.

You eat ham. Now I buy eight ounces of ham and ham. My life's fine. Eight ounces of hands. You want it from the deli. You want it from the actual fresh deli. Yeah, Gary kills the cow. Or no, it's a pig.

It's a pig. Sorry. I'm an idiot. But I tell you, the best, you didn't even do anything with the Best Buy. I'm telling you, best buy date and expiration date are different. Okay. But I hear you. I hear you.

Just tell me when it's done. Don't tell me when it's getting worse. Well, if you do it right, you don't never have to worry about the dates at all. Okay. But it's kind of scary when you see the Best Buy date and your past. Use by is good, too. Use by. Yeah, yeah, used by.

Okay. I just had some Permanto cheese last night that said Best Buy. And it was the day before. and it still was It's tasty delicious Yeah I'd Swiss cheese Like four days after it

And it smelled good Yeah yeah yeah The smell test is Is really just like with milk Sometimes you can use it three days after x-ray Sometimes it's a day And you're like Yo hey hey now

You know we got a little action in there Or vagina You know This is expired It was best by And with pedophiles It's the opposite Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. This is a turn. This is 17, 18. Don't open until. Yeah. Best buy is 11. It goes the other way. Now, don't you miss doing a joke like that?

Because you're clean. Yeah, I am clean. That would eat me alive. I would have that joke in my head. And I go, ah, that's when you rape. He's clean unless he's behind a wheel. In which case, he's... When you had ran in Alabama, would you have to you would say dirty stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. When did you make the choice? I became a clean comedian, like, probably. three, about three years ago. What? Whoa. You went in clean. Nate money.

Yeah. I mean, it was some of Nate. I mean, my management that I got under three years ago, which I loved the guys, they helped turn me. They were like, you don't write dark or dirty. You just are kind of vulgar and how you say, you know. Because what I write is always pretty observational, pretty clean. I would just add on my own swear words. So we just, we kind of took them out.

You got a fisting shunct to this grocery store. And it just plays better. My energy and how I am on stage is plenty. Like, I really don't need the extra words. It feels like I'm cussing. I mean, I'm downhill. Right. You know, I'm working pretty hard up there.

So I don't, you know, I don't think it's something that's super noticeable. I don't like, you know, when you get the clean comedian tag, it kind of puts you in a box. Sure, sure. That I hate to be in sometimes because other comics look at, you know, you get kicked out of the cool kids club. No. No, that's not true. We love Reagan and Gabbigan and Seinfeld and Nate and all that. Yeah, yeah, the most famous ones to ever live.

But I, but yeah. Ryan Hamilton's great. Hamilton's great. Ryan, Ryan's great. But yeah, it was a business decision for sure. Smart move. And it looks bad to just be going, fuck this, fuck that. The fucking, give me an airport chain, you fucking bitch.

You know, you don't need that. No, and as, I mean, as a southerner, I don't, I mean, I cuss some offstage, but like, I'm not going to refer to a woman as, I'm not going to refer to a woman as, like a bitch on stage and I don't it's not like I hate when somebody else it's just I'm not gonna that's just not how I talk yeah and so it's a little bit you know some of it's natural but I mean I'll cuss off stage

some I'm just not ripping and roaring I feel like if you say cuss instead of curse you you cuss less yeah but maybe that yeah maybe that's right my three-year-old's cursing now really whoa I don't know where you fucking got it from me hey oh

no no but he is cursing yeah we don't weird well they're picking up on the bullet He's like, no, seriously, it's a problem. He called my wife the C word. It was very unpleasant. The black neighbor's fury. Damn, three-year-old, Karat's young for cursing.

Yeah, he just puts it up. I don't know. What, TV, maybe, movies? No, we showed him Pulpiction the other night. You say it a couple times and we have an old, like, the older one's almost six. Oh, there you go. So he'll be like, oh, yeah, say fuck. Right, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, then he gets him on. Yeah, then he gets him. There's always that bad kid growing up. Yeah. You pass by even like the swing set. You see the kid like, you know, those like tall bars. There's always kids like, let's go as high as possible.

Later on, it's like drugs. Sure. Yeah, I'm working on material. Anyway, no, but there's that kid that's always like, say the bad word. Yep, yep, yeah, get your dad's gun, you know, whatever. It's always that kid. Get revenge on the people who have wronged you. Go to school.

Right, right. Bring Coke to Canada. Whatever it is. You got kids? I do. I have a six-month-old. Wow. I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah. Holy moly. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, you too, though, right? One year. Yeah, that's exciting. Yeah, that's crazy. Six months a year on no sleep.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm hanging in there. He's got a pretty good sleep schedule. All right. But, yeah, O.S. Strupp is in the world. It's exciting, man. Hey, the SS.

I mean, he has a Jewish first name and you still found a way. I mean, that's unbelievable. That's one of my only gifts. It's unbelievable. But, yeah, it's the best, man. I'm sure you know it. It's great. And it gets better.

I know everybody says that, but now he's walking, he's saying a couple words, and he's like, doing a dad-da. I come off the road and I get a dad-da-and-and-it. That's the better. The best. The best. I get that from the girls I date, but, you know, it's a... Oh, yeah.

Good, good times, good times. But six months, boy, that's crazy. That's brand-old. Yeah. Born, he was born right here in Manhattan, you know, so I'm going to ride kind of his coat-tale as a Knicks fan. Yeah. I never got to have a, in Alabama, we're in a free agent state.

Right. So I never got to claim, but I tell everybody, no matter where Seth lives, I'm going to let him know, I go, you have a special pass. You can be a Knicks fan. Yeah. You were born on the island, my man. He's on your birth certificate. And so, like, I'm just going to kind of ride that with him and just be like, no, I wear the stuff because he's into it. I love it.

I like it. But, yeah, yeah, I'm a big NBA fan, big Nuggets fan. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I lived in Denver for a long time. Tom. Right.

Yokic. I mean, Oh, yeah. Yeah. I saw him in the gym at this hotel. It's like unreal. It's really. It was just him and like three dudes and he's stretching.

He's 7-1. He's thick. Whoa. It's rare that you're in the sauna. Oh, my God. He's so thick. No, he, no, but he just has a presence about him. You're like, holy shit, he's the best.

Yeah. He's the same. Wow, Serbia. They got him and Djokovic. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Got the best in two sports. There's a crazy monster.

them pushing black guys around on the court and it's like, eh, it gets a little pride. It's a different algorithm than I've got. I watch a lot of NBA. I haven't seen that one. I'll send it to you.

Serbian dudes pushing black guys. Could you imagine if I would have said that? The internet would have shit and fell back in it. It was one play. It was one play where one of the most... There was a couple of videos. I made the video. I did a lot of editing on that.

But, no, he's just, he's unreal, dude. He's unreal. Yeah, they're so cool. It's crazy, though, because he's just, he's insanely skilled, not athletic. I mean, when he jumps, you couldn't slide paper under his feet. I mean, he's, but I mean, he's just, the skill and the vision, it's really, and that's what's great about. The touch is insane. That's what's great about basketball.

There's a few different ways to go about it. And he's like, he's like the biggest, goofiest ballerina I've ever seen. He's like top ten in points, and then, essentially. assists and rebounds, he leads the league. He's not in real. Yeah, he's always up there. But it's fun to watch him be emotional this season. He's usually a pretty, you know, just a nod on the log.

But this year he's losing his mind a little bit. Oh, is that right? Angry or sad or? Mad. They've had a lot of injury. So I think a lot's on him. And yeah, he's, you know. Really, Serbian guys are known for being pretty cool tippered.

A lot of great hoopers, though, out of that part of the world. It's like wild. It is wild. What was certain what there's a thing where like Luca and him would be on the same team if like it was it Yugoslavia. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. They had the war.

Yeah. That's right. Great wreck for you. The 30 for 30 once brothers about the, uh, the Yugoslavian civil wars, Croatia and Serbia. It's, it's crazy. No, because he's, I think he's Slovenian. Yeah. Yeah.

There's something. But there's some, uh, connection with, uh, yeah. Because when the, when the dream team played, Crowie, I think they played Croatia in like 92. or something. It was like me and Sam on a twilight. Yeah. That's perfect. We're like, one more bar, man.

I'm going to five guys. There was something when I think Croatia played the 92 Dream Team, and then this was like if they would have combined whatever countries together. Yeah. That's what it would have been. Damn. It would have been very competitive. That's crazy.

As opposed to what the outcome was. Have you seen this meme going around of the 7 foot 8? guy. Yeah, Florida. Yeah, that shit's great. We're just looking like, what the fuck? Yeah, he's like, holy shit, it's like a movie. Yeah, that's like tall enough to where I'm sure that's not great. No, that's, yeah, that's not great.

Nightmare. Nightmare. Every flight, every bus ride. Every restaurant. He's like first class on a plane from sucks. Still sucks. He doesn't play that much either. I mean, his knees are probably ruined already. Look at that. That's a little bit. He's six eight. That's in.

insane. He's like talking to him. The guy's like, yeah, what? Shut up. I don't care. Yeah, I mean, that cannot feel good on your body. No, no, no way. And you just can't help but wonder about the hog. Yeah, I mean, where do you go for? You really can't help. But even if it's small, it's huge by normal standards. Of course, of course. It's like a dinosaur dick. Yeah. How is he an outside defender? How come he's not right under the basket? What the fuck is going on here? Why's he out of the day? Why's he out here? Yeah, because it's, I don't know. So, Wemby's, he's not that far away. Wemby 7-4. And he's athletic, though. He's got, like, he's got, like, the KD type of game. Yeah, like this guy, you know.

Do women even like, because this is like, you know, we all like big tits, but this is like size Z, you know, on a tit. Like, how tall is too tall? Like, you're, I think, ideal for a lady. And Veter's the exact opposite. Let's cut that one, too. Blur my face on that one.

Gary just has a PR team with him. Like, here, you go. He's a horrible financial decision to be paying these people, Gary. This calls me. You got to stop making a buddy, Gary. Oh, my gosh. You were on a tear today. We had a diner early.

I had meatloaf. Meatloaf for breakfast? Yeah, I got a problem. You're a savage. Meatloat for breakfast is wild. That sounds like a memoir. Of a man who did not live long. Yeah, yeah.

I like hearty food. Yeah, how do you go for breakfast? Well, I mean, it technically was 11.30. It was late. Nothing like meatloaf for brunch, you're right. That was Derek's early days. Meatloaf. Derek Stroop's early days.

Looks like Sam Kinnisenison joined a band. Oh, Megan Faris King and Kinnison fucked. He died. He died. He died pretty young, too. Kenison? No. Oh, meatloaf.

He was in a fight club. Yeah, he was. Bitch-tits Bob? Yeah, yeah. Wow. I mean, 74. I mean, I really, I hold my knees praying for that. Yeah, that's good for a guy named Meatloaf.

Yeah. And look at him. I mean, he's young and fan. Yeah. He didn't run into it with age. Right. 74. Okay, yeah. So I was wrong. But that's still pretty young. Now, are you doing the thing where you're back on the road, just trying to build?

And it made for like kind of a celebration feeling and that, but it was also like, what am I doing here? Yeah. Like I should be just enjoying this and pushing it with press. Right. I got to let it come, man. I remember Chris Rock once I saw him on the street and he was like, he was like, I'm going away. I was like, oh, cool. I don't really do that.

He goes, hey, man, even LeBron has an off season. Yeah. I know. And I was like, damn. Yeah, you got to reset. You do. I regret that a little bit. But, I mean, you know, I've heard, I mean, how you live on stage.

And I'm pretty similar. I mean, if I'm off for more than two days, I feel like I've probably lost it. Same. I'm twitchy. Yeah, and I don't like post about it or talk about it a lot, but that just feels like, you know, eventually it felt like my secret sauce is like, I was like, the more I'm on stage,

clearly the better that I'm getting. Well, you fall ass backwards into jokes. Yeah. You just, even if you're not trying to, like, oh, I riffed something. Yeah. Yes. But you're so right, Sam, you've got to learn when to take a break, though.

Well, yeah, I mean, I took a couple weeks, and then I started to be like, I took a couple weeks, and then I drank every night very hard. And I was like, I think my body's fucked up. I have to go see a doctor. Turns out I need to be working.

Yeah, that's a good point. Because I'm not working. I will drink until I can't speak. Same. Same. Yeah. And yeah, no, it fucked my body up. And now I have to, and I'm like back in the clubs.

And I'm like taking some, you know, you throw some shit at the wall. You pat it a little bit, but it was like, feels good, man. Yeah. I always enjoy seeing you at the cellar because I don't think there's anybody better at being topical. Like you can take, you can take a news article and turn it into a bit that day, which is really fun. Everybody wants to do that. Right.

And so it's always fun to see because it's like a true, quick, hot take. Like after a week, we all have a thought on it. But that afternoon is always interesting to see what somebody is manufactured. I feel like I've cooled off. When they used to do that this week at the Comedy Cellar Show,

I was, yeah, it forced you. We all had that comedy center. It was like such a great exercise. We were like, we have to have jokes. Yeah. And then, yeah, you've got to force it a little now. Yeah. But, man, I kind of miss.

Yeah, I like a little homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes you like, I need a deadline sometimes. For sure. It's just like, if you don't get it out that day, it's fucking over. It is. It is because, I mean, it's going to get ran through the algorithm and everybody's seen it ten times. Right.

Speak for yourself. My Lorena Bobbichunk is crushing right now. It's time to cut that off. Yeah, it's fun getting it back out there, but it is scary. But this one's good about your wife, or my wife, is we went on a vacation for New Year's because she pushes vacations. I'm like, all right, back off.

I like to work. But it's good. I go on vacation. And you love it. And I love it. And I'm thinking of jokes again. Like new ideas pop in. I mean, she's miserable because I'm like,

oh, chairs are funny, right? Back off is the funniest thing to say to a vacation. I know. Like she's got a knife at your throat. Yeah. I just want to be with you in another place. You like, you fucking bitch. Leave me alone.

Yeah. We ever out around normal people and they're like, you're so quiet. It's like, well, because I'm thinking. I know. I'm just trying to observe. And I'm bored. Yeah, and I am bored too. Yeah.

But yeah, no, but I did. You take time off your brain because when you're doing stand-up, it's just like, you just think about that. That tag's not working where I wanted. Okay, I got to fix that joke. But when you're out, you're like letting new shit in. Yeah, you're right. And you need to do that. It is.

And sometimes you have a fresh approach to the same jokes when you leave them. You know, come back after taking some time off. Yeah. No, I agree. But it's funny, Mark, because of you, I'll be on the road. I can't tell you how many cities. Some open mic will hit me up that's under a reptile center. And they'll go, we have a mic here at midnight.

And they'll go, Mark Norman did it one time. And I want to be like, hey, let me tell you what. Mark did all of the shittiest mics in America. And I don't care if he's your, I'm not doing the mic under the reptile center. I remember that show. I mean, every city, they're like, just to let you know, Mark Norman came to this mic that's. Oh, you think you get it bad. Yeah.

Oh, you think you're too good? Mark did it? I'm like, I'm tired. Yeah, yeah. I'm the same thing. I'm like, I'm not coming. And it's like they try to guilt you with Mark. I'm like, yeah, of course he did.

You wouldn't believe the rooms he's done. Yeah. And it's always like a 1 a.m. show like after the years. It's crazy. It's like, how does he have the, how do you have the energy? I try his fat chicks having come up to you. Hey, Mark fucked me. Some lady in a wheelchair.

Come on. He did it. Missing a foot. Yeah. But I would say this. As you guys are all. building up a new material, you're going back to, like, I'm sure, old bits that didn't work. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, and now maybe this fits in this new act. And also the fact that you haven't said it in a while, maybe you'll have like something that. Yes, a new spin. The inventory, you go through those old word docs or whatever, and you're just like, oh, shit, this should have worked. I should have said this instead. And then still doesn't work. But you're like, but you tweak it. Sometimes you get lucky, yeah.

Some of them you're like, why did I give up on this premise? This is a good premise. Or sometimes the premise was too ambitious. and you're like, ah, I can't figure this out right now. And then you come back and you're like, let me try to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And sometimes you focused on the bits so much

that it lost its meaning. So then when you take a break and you come back, you see the meaning again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're working on any bits? I knew you were to see. You got to tell us early. I got one I'll try,

because this got something the other than. I think there's something here. I was watching a Mad Men episode, and it was on Amazon, so they do a disclaimer before the episode where they say, We do blackface in this episode. The character is blackface, and we do not condone that.

And then they just show the episode, which is, like, kind of weird. And then there's another episode where a woman gets raped and there's no disclaimer. So it's like, once you speak once, you kind of got to speak for all of them, you know? It's like, also these guys cheating their wives every 30 minutes. Maybe that's not the best thing to do either. I don't know. So it's like that part, the rape part got a pretty good pop the other night. Yeah.

I think there's some meat on that bone. Definitely. Absolutely. Smoking, too, is a disclaimer now. smoking. I know. So like, yeah, you think rape would pop up. Yeah, but it's also like, you just don't really have to say anything. No. We can figure out, yeah, yeah, yeah. Humans can figure out what's bad. Is there a guy applying blackface? He's like, oh, this is bad. All right, all right. Okay, if you say so. Yeah. Before Malcolm actually, like, you shouldn't, you shouldn't kill people. Also, it is crazy that they could show an old episode of something, but they wouldn't make something new with some guy. Obviously, you don't want somebody in blackface,

but they wouldn't make something new with somebody in blackface. But now old stuff, it's okay. It just gets grandfathered in. All this old stuff, like all kinds. Things on Seinfeld might not be appropriate. Robert Downey Jr. Yeah. Tropic Thunder.

Right, exactly. It's okay now. But now things are, yeah, it's okay. But there might be a disclaimer with that. It might be. No, there is a disclaimer. Is there? Wow.

It's interesting where the line, you know. No, no, that's very interesting, for sure. I don't know. You've got a disclaimer or everything if you've got to do something. Yeah. And they should just be able to make everything. I mean, you can make everything. I think that's what it's going to come to.

It's just strange because people did blackface. So we're doing a show about this time. You know, that's what people did. Yeah, I don't think that. It's just weird that that's the one thing you zone in on. Yeah, yeah. Because obviously it's bad. Yeah, yeah.

It looks like when somebody plays a retarded person. Right. Yeah. They get rewarded. someone says you get a horse yeah yeah exactly Leonardo DiCaprio Gilbert grapes yeah a lot for him killed it killed it there help his career yeah is this ad of a disclaimer hmm uh I doubt what's the best buy well you can't be like don't be retarded yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah late um I thought of this on the way here so maybe it's stupid so it's not

worked out but you know you got these these method actors annoy the shit out of me like they're all great Daniel day Lewis is amazing but they annoy the shit like like hanging out with them, you know, where they're like, I'm going to be a mailman for a year before I get ready to get ready with this role. Porn stars don't do that. They're not like, hey, I want to be a delivery guy. Pizza, delivery guy for a while just so I can get the, just so I can, you know, nail it. No pun intended. Is that stupid? I thought of it the way here.

Well, the problem with the bit is that porn is bad acting. It's already bad acting. Yeah. So no would do that. But maybe there's a way in still where you're just like. Is there one method actor in porn? Either one guy who's just like, I got to nail this. Yeah, I'm going to be a pool boy for six months. Yeah, but then you start doing porn jokes and you can't do them in places like Texas anymore because I don't even know what it looks like. That was a great joke in your special. Yeah, I love that.

By a gun, right? By a gun, right, so I can kill myself. Blow my brain out. Yeah, yeah. Oh, thanks. All right, well, that's nothing. That's what I'm glad to run it. You have been a disclaimer before that joke, though.

You should not commit suicide. You should not. Or unalive yourself. Unalive yourself. It's so stupid. Yeah, and you guys got anything? I don't know. I don't know.

I got some new stuff. I mean, not like, my stuff's just so long form. You guys are actual joke tellers. You got jokes. I go on a journey. I did try to get back into, now I feel like we're on Comics Unleashed. Yeah, let me naturally go into a bit. I've got.

Sorry, here are alcohol. No, I did, I tried to get back into running. I haven't ran in like a decade. And I'm a big guy. and it was like, it's a lot tougher than I ever imagine. I'm 285 pounds. Damn. Okay.

Wow. We don't look at you. Yeah, yeah. You weigh it well. 6-2? 6-2. That's what, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm built like, you know, I'm built like a football player.

You know, that's how they breed them where I'm from. Sure. But anyways, I tried to get back in the running. And the problem is when you, do you have it ran in so long and you're as big as I am as your breathing? It's not like a regular, like, labored breathing. It's like a panicked type breathing situation. doesn't look like I'm on a jog. It looks like I'm coming to tell you that it's bad back then. They're like the British are coming. Yeah. And so, you know, even in a place like New York

City where nobody pays attention to anybody, if come to find out if you breathe hard enough here, people will ask you if you're all right. But yeah, that's just like a little premise that I've... That's funny. That's really funny. Maybe an angle could be like you hate running so much. have to get yourself in fucked up situations to run away. Yeah, yeah. No, that's... To force it. I've been lighting a lot of fires.

But anyways, boy, have I gotten quick. Right, right, exactly, exactly. I'm on quite the run. Yeah. Why just steal that? You know, I need to jog. Yeah. Something there.

You're trying to get down to just, can we talk, shape? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not that bad. A hundred percent. Yeah. I would just say, like, you know, if you want, I mean, I don't know, Mine would be like if you were everywhere, like if you wanted a line, say you just worked out, you just breathe heavy. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So they'd be like, I just came from a workout. I think the sing has some legs. There's some legs, definitely, yeah, for sure, thighs. All right. Comedy. Yeah, there we go. No one's ever farted on Mark.

Do what? I'm waiting. No one's ever farted on Mark. Yeah, I mean, I'm not nearly as gassy as he is today. I'm doing a little better. Yeah. Yeah. I just started off my day with an Uncrustible and some bodega juice.

I just got into Uncrustables because of the kids I never had until this year. It's my first year. I just get the jelly and the peanut butter one. I mean, this is more of a dream. This is the thing. Here you go. This is more of a dream come true for our generations than these kids coming up because they don't know the life of crust. They don't know.

We grew up eating peanut butter and jellies. That's still one of my favorite. At my brokest after my two DUIs, I can remember thinking, I never got to tell. hired a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was poor. I was like, damn, these are still fired. I ate one today. I put it on a tortilla now.

That's my move. That is. Okay, I like that. I'm going to stick with potato bread. You can throw some banana in there, too. Oh, man. Whoa. But these kids, they didn't earn this.

To us, it blows our mind. I'm 41, and I'm like, my God, baby Derek would be like, I dreamed of an uncrustable world. Yeah. And now look what we've got. They act like it's normal. I saw a video. It's so funny that this is the thing that you hung up on that they...

Not the internet, they're like, you motherfucker. No. You don't know what it was like. It's the uncrustable. We had to spread our own jelly. We did. It was a nightmare. Yeah, you're right.

We had to cut our own shit off. Yeah. But it was, I mean, are you guys... Demoyled at mine, but... I'm a smooth man. I know that's controversial. I'm crunchy all the way. I'm pretty, too.

Interesting. I like crunch. Yeah, yeah. I want some texture. Yeah. Like the abortion debate. Pro-life? Pro-custom.

Grunch. Oh, look at that. No, that's what I was going to bring up. He's pulling it all. He's pulling off the uncrusted crust. Wow. Look at these kids. That's crazy. They don't want to work. What a pussy. Look at them. He can't even have the uncrust of crust.

Isn't that wild? See, that's what I mean. They don't even live in the same. Oh, my God. That's crazy. That's a bad upbringing. His father should hit him. Easy, Mark. What are you saying?

That's crazy. We're in dangerous waters here, Mark. This is a hot. bit, don't make him cut it. He should be killed. No, no, don't kill the man. He just needs to grow up a little. Yeah.

It is tough to see him. Get a serpian on his ass. Oh, my goodness. Don't pull it up. But I love the across the most. What were your snacks growing up as a kid? I mean, I had, I mean, Oreos, I loved. I still love Oreos.

My parents wouldn't buy any of that shit. Yeah, very, very healthy. I also drank so much apple juice as a kid. Really? We were told that. That's all sugar. We were told that, yeah. We were told that it was good, though.

I thought orange juice was healthy. Yeah. How about orange? I used to drink a glass of milk. Same thing. Yeah, true. I mean, orange juice, same thing, though. I mean, it's still one of my favorite drinks, but it is so bad.

I mean, there's so much sugar. But orange juice is one of my favorite. Are there any things you guys aren't going to feed your kids? Because, I mean, now you're like, I mean, your kids, is your kids eating? Yeah, I try to keep them off sugar, no phones, obviously. But like, food-wise, do you have me goldfin? Do you have me goldfish or anything? I don't know.

No fast food, you know? Like, I have a friend. He gives a lot of fast food to his kid. It's like, eh. It's hard to avoid that, though. You can just not buy McDonald's. I don't know. Yeah, no, I know.

Sometimes, though, it gets to that hour. You're like, what could I? Not like fast food, but like other things. You're like, what could I get? What are I have in the house that's, I mean, Accrucible is this process. That's true. That's true.

Would you give your kid an encrustable down the road? I guess I would, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would. I would, too. I would too. I don't want to be a horrible dad. I mean, I grew up in the household that was kind of weird in the fact that we had a lot of

Cokes, like sodas. But the food that we ate, I wasn't allowed to just eat a bunch of bad snacks. Like, I remember to me a cookie was a Fig Newton, which, you know, now, I mean, I don't love Fig Newton's, but we had Fig Newton's growing up a lot. Like, we had Oval Tene for our chocolate milk. Like, we were going to do, like, ants on a log as a snack. Right. It would be something common.

Peanut butter on celery with the raisins. Right. But it wasn't like a lot of, like, uh, potato. chips and fat and stuff like none of that a lot of homemade food too i mean i grew up out in the country so i mean in new orleans i mean i bet i bet the i bet the eating was great cook but uh she was very health conscious so i'd be like i'm hungry i want a snack and your friends house are eating doritos but in my house she's like let me slice up some tomatoes with oil and vinegar my mom was the same way yeah very health conscious yeah my grandma my grandmother

was like that and i i would i was just telling my wife about this my grandmother would always kind of trick you because she would ask you what she wanted as if we were going to ever go get it. And whatever you said, she would make it home. Right. You could say, I would go, I would love some Chinese food. Well, she would make orange chicken or sweet and sour chicken, just like, you know, nothing like crazy gourmet, like with the packet and the skillet, cutting up her own chicken and her own vegetables, you know, that sort of thing. If you said you wanted cheeseburgers, my grandmother, she would make you a cheeseburger, you know, it was, we would never go get that thing. Right, right. She would go, well, we can have that, you know.

That's a healthier version of it. of it though yeah but a healthier version yeah uh of it it was always you know which was great i mean my mother wasn't quite you know quite like my grandmother she was like how she loved on you what do you want to eat right no matter what it was pizza she's making a homemade not like a crazy yeah my mom too like making a pizza for you but it was never the same you know like my mom i would go give me some ranch dressing and she go we don't have any i'll make some she would make ranch dress yeah yeah and it was like a kind of ranchy you know it wasn't the same you want that process horseshit i want something that rfk is going to hate you

The poison's good. It's good. It is. Definitely everything good is poison. I mean, people use it. People used to like, you know, drugs. It's all poison. It's like a little bit of poison going into your body.

And you're like, that's the meat getting fucked up. Of course, of course. But everything, you have to do everything in moderation. I mean, if you have too much chicken, your cholesterol is going to go through the roof. Right, right, right. It's all we eat. I know. We eat a lot of chicken.

Jerk chicken is like on the road. Jerk chicken. That's like, I'm like, Jamaican food. Jamaican is probably. I might go up there as my number one. It's so good. I do love jerk chicken. If I'm on the road, though, I mean, I'm inherently a sandwich guy through and through.

I love like a pot belly, a pot belly firehouse subs, like a local deli. I love, I'm going to. Local deli all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a great one in Birmingham, actually. I just went to a great, like, they had a Jewish deli there. Oh, yeah. Got to love that.

What? Yeah. I mean, there's a small population of Jewish people, and it's in Burminton. It's like in the Mountain Brook area. Oh, wow. What is Roy Woods from there, huh? He's from Birmingham. He's not from Mountain Brook.

Not a Jew. There you go. Is that Von Braun? Damn, you got to use these bad guys for good. Everything's got his name on it, like the library, the synagogue, everything. You know, it's crazy. We didn't learn a ton about him in school. I learned about him in college afterwards, and I was like, oh, wow.

I mean, it's not like something like in the local curriculum. that they talked about a lot. Like, we talked a lot about, you know, NASA, the program, because it's in Huntsville. Yeah. We talked a lot about missile defense, Redstone Arsenal, the Patriot missiles that are protecting this country. All that technology is from Huntsville, Alabama. It's a very smart, educated Southern City.

Yeah. A lot of engineers. A lot of engineers, like the most per capita in the United States, Huntsville, Alabama. So it's like this unique area where like some of my friends' parents were rocket scientists. Whoa. They would go to Houston, Wendy Williams, Jeremy Williams. my best friend, his mother, she would go to Houston once a week. She would fly there and back.

It was, it's like, this is how I describe it. It's one of the very few places where there's lifted trucks and engineers. Right, right, yes. This guy's got a dip in, but he's going to get us back to Mars come hell or high water. Yeah. That is hilarious. The car is, yeah, yeah. He's like, his numbers ain't adding up right now.

Damn. Yeah, hars school is cool. And those rocket scientists, they have that Alabama accent? Yeah, a lot of them. But, I mean, also, you know, it's not like we got a homegrown program for this. They're from all over the country. Yeah. Because these are going to be a collection of the brightest minds.

It's also ranked high as, like, a great cost of living city. Yeah. It's always like Huntsville, Charlotte. There's always cities like that in the north. Raleigh. And Huntsville's not like a crazy. I grew up in a place. It's like kind of boring.

But it's a great place to grow up, like, you know, family. There wasn't a lot of crime. It's a pretty straight-laced joint. A bunch of nerds lived there. Like if I created like a robot out of Legos, I'd be on the local news, but nobody in Huntsville even knows I'm doing comedy. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting. Same in New Orleans.

Comedy is not our thing. Yeah. No, you're right. It's all jazz and food and partying and drinking. If you were on Netflix with a tuba, they'd have a parade for you. Oh, hell yeah. It has so much going on, it's real tough for comedy. I mean, except for, you know, New York, but like New Orleans, it's like other stuff going on.

Yeah, it's like Miami. I feel like Nashville has so much going on now, too. So it's like Nashville is good for comedy. but it's like not as great. It's so much stuff going on. New Orleans. Miami's a great. Those are like two that are great examples of people have too much shit going on to care about your story.

Exactly. They want to laugh and have a good time, but they don't want to hear about us being in therapy. Vegas is good at the theaters but not in the clubs. They spend their therapy money on a butt lift in Miami. Yeah, exactly. I don't give a shit about your anxiety. It's probably one of the worst comedy cities. It's a tough one.

It's a tough one. It's a tough. It's tough. Way late. Way late. Way late. 30 minutes late. Yeah, you want to go to Buffalo.

Buffalo is great. That's Cleveland. Yeah, Cleveland. Yes, exactly. Pittsburgh. Yeah, Cleveland's great. Phoenix, yeah. Yeah.

It's tough places also that have like pretty good weather year round. I know they have like a bad hurricane season, but for the most part, Miami's got pretty good weather too. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's kind of hot. 100%. Everybody's doing pretty well for themselves. Yeah, and comedy thrives in a dark, depressing. basement.

Yeah. You know, they don't want to do that. I've rode some lightning in Toledo in my life. Yeah. The city of glass. I think that's what they bring.

We make a lot of glass here. I'm like, oh, you guys need these. All right, hold, let me break out some jokes. Yeah, Hartford is the insurance capital. You know,

it's a bummer. You start punchline some guy takes a shotgun out of his mouth. He's like, all right, let me give this a shot. Real quick. Takes it out of his mouth.

It's great. That's a tough, funny boat. I've eaten some real shit. Ooh. Same here, dude. Toledo and Hartford. A lot of Bernie Mac and cheese in there.

One of my favorites, I love Milwaukee. Milwaukee's great. Milwaukee's a real town. Awesome. Yeah. All right. Where are you guys going to be? Plug some dates.

Yeah. April 2nd to the 4th. I will be in Cleveland. Hilarities? Yeah, hilarities. Just the best. Top five in the game. Yeah, top five for sure.

Love hilarities. That's one of my favorite clubs. Nick and Sam. Those are the guys out there. Nick and Sam, man. They're the best. They are the absolute best. They are.

Very good food, too. Very good. Yeah, you can save money. At that club, yeah. With Gary. Oh, you think he's letting me off that easy? We're eating two meals. When we go to Cleveland and we're at hilarious, I'm like, come on, buddy.

So we have something. Derek's date's here. Oh, awesome. Thank you. And make sure you watch his new Netflix special, nostalgic. Thank you, Sam. That's out now. And then April 16 through the 18, I'm Grand Rapids.

Nice. Dr. Grins, Comedy Club. At the Bob. Yeah, May 1st at 2nd. I'm in Springfield, Missouri, Blue Room. So, yeah, y'all come check me out. Thanks for letting me plug those. And Comedy Off Broadway.

And, man, these are good rooms, man. Yeah, yeah, they're all... I love Comedy Off Broadway and Lexington. Oh, and the Omaha Funny Bung. Say what's up to Colleen? She's the best. I love it. She's the best.

Man, did you feel a bump with the Netflix? Did you feel like I'm here and then here? Yeah, I mean, I definitely... I was starting to get a little bit of momentum right before, which helped. But there's definitely a bump in season. sales and traction, which is what you want. Yeah, good, good for you.

What do you got, Vita? I'm opening up for, well, I guess by the time it's the airs. I'm doing Zini's, when is this air? 12. Oh, okay. Oh, hell, yeah. Riemann. That's what's the great rooms in the country.

Yes. So I'll be there with Salvatano. Killer. Love him. National Tennessee. Sal's the man. Great, great. Where are you at there?

Oh, is this me? This is Sammy. Okay. No. You tell me. L.A. Verona, New York. Oh, L.A. May 7th for the Netflix Fest with Jordan Jensen.

Joe List and Rachel United Theater that'll be really fun Verona New York Gary if you're available June 6th at the Turning Stone Casino that should be fun then I'm in Lisbon Portugal and then I'm adding some shit I don't think it's announced yet

but it might be on the site right now Athens Greece Budapest Croatia Vienna Warsaw Helsinki Stockholm Copenhagen If it's on the site if not it's coming

So I'll see you soon. Doing the straight-of-hor Moose next. Holy-you. Not a lot of money in these cities, but it's going to be fun. Oh, you go for the time, baby. Hell yeah. Chattanooga. Choo-choo!

We're coming back at the Walker Theater. Then it's Raleigh. And Salke's got its hands off the computer. Oh, sorry. And then we got Ontario, L.A. for the Netflix Festival, Nouveauville, Spokane, Philly, Milwaukee, Irvine. Here we go.

And Tempe. Royal Oak. We got it. Cleveland as well, Seattle. Also, Mark has a new documentary about the run-up to a special in Boulder, Colorado. You can get it at Pushing Boulder.com. That's the name of the dock. It's a one-hour dock. One hour. All green room, funny, bombing, working it out, traveling. It's a cell who's put it together. It's very well done. Thank you, sir. All right, and watch our specials on Netflix, folks.

Love it. And get some bodega cat whiskey as well. Thanks for having me, fellas. You got it, sir. Me too. Comedy. And watch Gary's special on YouTube. It's a great special. Watch that right now.

Buy Gary some chips. For my sake. He needs some chips. He's got a gallon of guac at the house. Sunday's a day from a peaver wreck. You know the beer juice close. Urban and Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I'll lunch here in New York.